Messages

1. SO cooked dinner and it was lovely.

2. I stood my ground after making a decision even tho someone else was saying the opposite.

3. I did some housework without feeling as if I was slipping into an EF.

4. I was able to drive someone home when they needed it.

5. I realise I am relaxing a little. I am counting that a good thing although as I realised I then panicked a little.

Thank you for your messages of support.

At the end of my last session I took the plunge and asked one of my questions and I was able to say I have others. It was a difficult question to ask, but not to answer so no chance of upsetting the balance between us.

Next time we are going to be meeting face to face for the first time since everything was shutdown by Covid. I am hoping the fact that my T knows I want to say something in advance along with being back together again will make it easier.

1 Happy sounds in my house

2 Soft toys

3 A day with no plans

1. A kind gentle friend who does care.

2. I managed to clear two rooms before I slept.

3. A few beautiful memories.

4. Mini Rolos.

Today is the anniversary of my Fathers death.

Feeling nothing. Like someone has taken everything, all feelings. Not in a numbing way, in a completely empty way. Hollow.

Well that's it really, I just wanted to tell someone. To get it out, to see if it would make any difference.
I don't think it has tho.

Ah well, time to clear up the days mess.

Something I want others to know about CPTSD...

...sometimes talking is not helpful a problem shared is not a problem halved. I do not talk to you because I don't like you it's because it will not help, it will cause my symptoms to become worse.

...you can never know what's it's like, accept that I may begin to be able to trust you.

Things that trigger me in no particular order:

A certain colour in a particular context

Sounds

Doorsways, the position of them in relation to things and often the sound of them opening and closing. Finding a seat in a restaurant in an ok place in relation to the door is sometime almost impossible.
Entering my church via the main door has become almost impossible. Online services have been great for me.

People in my personal space and some physical contact.

The smell of fuel.

Contact with family members.

So, does anyone else ever feel they somehow need their flashbacks?
That somehow they give them a link to the past and truth about what really happened and that it was real after continually being told otherwise.

Struggling with the fact that I might need the flashbacks. They have some how become part of my identity. I need the memories contained within them to become whole again. That they are necessary for some sort of healing to begin.

1 I played a game and enjoyed it.

2 Sausages, yum

3 My SO.

Thank you all, writing things, emailing has been helpful, it has been a new avenue that has opened up because of the pandemic. I still haven't been able to ask my questions tho.

So, it's now August and I think I have finally found way in to ask my questions. I am going to risk it, I can't keep putting it off. Yes, they are difficult but that's why I'm there, in therapy. I need to ask, hear, and have the time and space to rebuild.

Problems
1. I can't do it on zoom. I need to wait until we are meeting face to face. This seems so important but I can't put my finger on why.

2. It's August and my T is away. September seems a LONG way away. 

For once I want to talk and I can't. I have to wait. Oh, the irony. My T is going to have a field day making connections and highlighting things
I can almost hear her now.

I am finding it so hard without therapy atm. I can see that it has given me the time to make a decision and that's a good thing. I am missing having the space to feel and be honest so much. How can 50 minutes in my week have become so huge. That frightens me a little. Time to stop. That's something to think through another day.

Thank you both for your replies. They helped a lot

Little Me's are a range of ages from about 8 up.

I'm feeling a bit scrambled now just writing this, but I wanted to say thank you.

Does anyone else wonder what it would be like if there 'Little Ones' met themselves as adults?

I am terrified Little Me would hate and not trust me as an adult, be ashamed of me, that I'd be a disgrace.

Little me and the adult me need to be kept apart so I don't shatter forever.

Anyone else feel like that?

Three Rose's I'm so glad you laughed.

1. Clear blood and scan result.

2. Sitting in a lovely garden.

3. Evening treats to look forward too.

Hello and welcome. Hope you find being here useful.

OS is taking me to see M today. I don't want to go, but OS says we are going. I thought we'd escaped that, her, but today we are going back. M told me to run away once, I wish I had and I wish I could run away now.
OS say I'm big now, a grown up and nothing bad will happen, other people will be there and that she behaves when other people are there. I still don't want to go. I want to hide and not come out till it's over.