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Messages - OceanStar

#76
1. I have a warm thing to snuggle around my neck.

2. The washing is on the line drying.

3. I found the TV remote, it wasnt thrown out in the rubbish by mistake.

3 things, it took a while but I've got there.
#77
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Brand New Here
April 12, 2020, 09:46:58 PM
Hello Dare  :wave:
#78
General Discussion / Pretending it's ok.
April 12, 2020, 09:35:42 PM
I wanted to ask a question.

Did anyone else pretend everything was ok, normal?

I've wanted things to be normal, ok, like everyone else, or my perception of that. I created an illusion of normal. I went to extreme lengths to portray myself and those around me as ok. To hide everything.

The shame, the guilt I feel now. I should have stopped it. It's my fault it happened. I let people think everything was ok. People believe my created word. Now I want to escape it but how?

What happens if people find out what really happened, what life was really like. Everyone is going to hate me for lying to them, or just think I'm lying now.
I feel trapped.
#79
SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: When you're frightened
April 10, 2020, 11:37:14 AM
Thank you snookiebookie2 and marta1234. Your replies ment a lot.

The immediate feelings have passed and I'm left with that persistant ache and fear that take so much longer if ever to pass.
My body feels like it has been bulldozed. I have a lot to ponder on. Reconnecting the dots but with a more balanced perspective. Still, I'm going to take my time doing that.
#80
SOT - Sense of Threat / When you're frightened
April 09, 2020, 07:08:40 PM
I just need to get this out. I hope that's OK.

Nobody gets it.
I feel so alone. Always alone. I was so scared.
Little me was so scared. It's like someone continually pressing repeat.

Nothing can make it better.

I have connected more pieces of the puzzle and it hurts so much.
I don't want any of this. I know it wasn't my fault back then and I was little but my world spiralling now is my fault. I just can't stop myself feeling everything again and again. My continual fear upsets other people. I don't mean to. Whenever I feel like I have the confidence to say something it all goes wrong. I wish I was invisible.
#81
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: A hello
April 04, 2020, 06:58:01 PM
Hello  :wave:

I'm glad you've found this site. I hope you find it helpful.

Thank you for having the courage to admit you've had a bad day. It gives me hope in my aloneness and i find myself able to say I've had a bad day too. My day has been spent traversing between  various flashbacks and the reality of the here and now.
I'm exhausted.

I hope your day improves.



#82
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi
April 01, 2020, 09:04:02 PM
Just wanted to say I read your post and I'm glad you're here.

I hope you find a little comfort through being here too.

:wave:
#83
Hello New_Life

Welcome!
I hope you find some comfort here.

:wave:
#84
Thank you for starting this thread.

I too am feeling a huge weight lifted off me, and a some what guilty for feeling that relief.
Not having to see people and have that "How are you, I'm fine" conversation.
Not encountering as many triggers.
I have noticed my sleep is improving.
I'm less tense which is slowly improving my pain.
I'm able to be present and engaged in what's going on around me so much more.
I have both laughed and cried this past week. I actually can not remember the last time that happened.

I am awear that things might change; but, so far, overall the experience has been a predominantly positive one.
#85
Therapy / Re: Asking questions
March 20, 2020, 07:58:57 PM
So...
I'm thinking about that question again.
It just won't go away.

Recently I've connected a few dots. A deep wound, trauma, 'mess' from long ago had been covered and hidden but then a more recent thing ripped that wide open and my poor brain and body has been trying to understand it all. This time the same covering can't be replaced and made safe. I now have a huge gaping hole within me that often feels all consuming. There is no ending where I can be ok.
I want to talk about this in therapy but every time I just shut down and can't move.

I hope you don't mind me writing this. I just needed to get it out somehow. 
#86
General Discussion / Re: Where do I belong?
March 13, 2020, 03:35:11 AM
Thank you for sharing your experience with us here.
I feel for you and the hurt kid inside you.
I hope you can find some comfort here.
#87
Therapy / Re: Asking questions
March 09, 2020, 11:04:43 PM
Thank you all for your replies.

So, an update.

I eventually realised that I had many many questions all relating in some way and found somewhere to begin. Begining to talk, finding a way in is a big challenge for me.

My T had told me something about herself, she volunteered the info a few weeks previously so I began there. Tho not what was really bothering me but it was a begining. I was able to explain what and why i wanted to know. She answered me and we talked about it. As things moved along we arrived at the 'tricky' part. I was able to talk about it little but i couldnt ask my questions before I predictably began to freeze. It's hard explaining and answering questions without knowing how much knowledge someone on a topic or where the common ground is, if any. I wish I could ask before I shutdown.  Perhaps another time I'll be able to pick things up nearer to the mess and ask before I'm overwhelmed. It's just such slow work and so frustrating.

Too much going on in my head now. I need to stop writing.
#88
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
March 08, 2020, 11:52:21 AM
Hello Wren.
I'm new here as well.
Your comment about explaining to others why you disappeared really resonated with me.
I'm glad you have found a T and have some support.
#89
Therapy / Asking questions
March 06, 2020, 08:56:11 PM
I wanted to ask, has anyone asked their therapist a personal question about there past?

We have been working together for a while, I know she has suffered trauma herself so she really understands a lot of what I say.  She has always answered my questions but I have never asked details. There is one thing I'd like to know. I think she'd answer a closed question but I'd like more detail so I'd know if she'd really understand me.

I'm worried tho. I  know things I've said have got to her because of her own experiences, we pick up each others stuff now and then, we work it through, it's been helpful to see someone else battle and survive. I'd hate to trigger her and break the trust we have.
#90
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi
March 06, 2020, 08:40:02 PM
Thank you marta1234, dreamriver and wannalearnlife for replying. I really appreciated it.

Marta1234, I too am begining to talk to a few close friends but I can only go so far before freezing. I've noticed that people find this very hard. They just want to know what's going on. They find me suddenly stopping talking really hard, they don't understand that every part of me is screaming NO and then I feel like I have to explain even more. Does that make any sense.

Wannalearnlife, you asked how I cope. I am really not the best person to ask but fwiw I observe my surroundings and tell myself my age now and that I'm not there  (where my trauma happened). I find that helps to ground me after, after whatever it is that has got to me.