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   sometimes i just dont know where to begin. i have been looking for identification for quite sometime now and find myself going in circles. i have been through the pyschiatric system here in my local community and it hasnt helped with my sensitivity issues at all. the last 6 months has been incredibly tough but it has forced me into a position where i have reached and begun talking about how things affect me. i have been using a crisis support line here in australia and its been brilliant. i had a break through yesterday after a series of incidents. i love nicotine and caffiene along with the sugar in coke a cola. i decided yesterday that i was going to pawn my laptop to fund my nicotine and coke addiction. i rang up and spoke to someone about it and this obstinate stubborness came over me and whilst the person i was talking to didnt think it was a good idea i went along and did it anyway. the joy and relief after my cravings abated were great , i even had thoughts along the lines of "yeah im going to party " , i thought it was sensational to expierence the freedom and joy that comes along with something pleasurable. i did become a little sad and dejected though because fincially i took another backstep and rang again to talk about what it was that i was expierencing. after getting off that phone call i it came to me that the freedom i was expiencing was about defiance and what it was i was trying to defy. these are the three things that i was trying to process and found release from two of them.

   these three memories have surfaced continually over the years

   first one is that i was really sick , heavy with a virus of some kind. my brothers and sister and a couple of acquaitances children were outside playing. they were happy healthy and vibrant and were chasing one and another around playing. i couldnt keep up. i was miserable , whingeing and whiny but i woiuldnt to replicate their energy. i must have complained to the adults there and was informed to go and lay down on my bed and to go to sleep. i defied that ordinace and then was informed that if i wanted to play there was a game to played. the other kids were asked if they knew how to plat "i'll tell you a secret "i think the acquaintances kids knew and said yes we do and became really excited. i volunteered to play as well. i was the first cab off the rank and couldnt wait to be told a secret. the first child began to called me over and called me in close to whisper in my ear and i was only to eager, they whispered some nonsense and then screamed as loudly as they could. it was incredibly painful and it felt to me that as if someone had struck me in the side of the head , i think i cried ( more clarity is coming to me as i type ) but i went back the second and even perhaps a third time ( yeah such was my defiance ) and i was lead away and taken to my bed and informed "see ! thats what happens when you play games "
   the second is of being on a boat ramp and playing in the water , we with some cousins this time. everyone was splashing each other with water so i moved away from the congestion to the outside of the cluster that had formed. my older brother spied me and said "hey lets get dave" everyone proceeded to gang up on me. i wsa getting so overwhelmed that i couldnt splash back as i couldnt draw a breathe unless i looked away from them, an adult told everyone to stop. i had an ephany that i hadnt been splashing when they were told to stop so i began to splash them back, an older cousin said "we got told to stop splashing"i said "hey you guys was splashing i wasnt " he just went bright red in the face and launched himself at me grabbing me around the throat and began dunking me underwater. i remember that everytime he let me up it felt like i was only able to get a teaspoon of air. i recall thrashing about and i also heard his father calling his name. he had me face down in the water and i recall seeing his father come into the water and threaten to back hand him before he let me go. he dove backwards into the water to escape his fathers attention. it wasnt until my thirties that i relayed this story to someone and they informed me that i had had an out of body expierence.i am forty two now.
   the third is with the same cousins . they were going to play tiggy on the back of a log truck, i know recall that they didnt really want to play with me as i was a hinderance as i wasnt as agile as them. the only rule was that being you couldnt jump down off the back of the truck if you were being pursued. i was eventually pursued and being five i didnt want to be caught so as my pursuer was getting closer i decided to jump. he was a little to close though and i believe he gave me a shove for good measure. i still have the indentation in my rib cage where i hit the gutter (curbing).
     
     i was between four and a half to 5 and a half years old when all this transpired and they say that you absorb 85 percent of what you need to learn in life by 5 years of age and the rest of your years is about branching out and expierencing what life has to offer. i get a little bit cynical at times but i dont blame myself for that any longer. i have had some good times but primarily i find that pleasure comes from sugar and nicotine helps to ease the distress when i start to disociate because i have these reall high unrealistic expectations of myself which i concoct in my imagination. i still have a really vivid imagination but im letting go of what i thought was recovery, a fine specimen of manhood of which everyone would be proud of. it has been quite the dump i know but it may help someone else out as i have found it beneficial to allay to others that i still get confused , distressed and go into avoidance because most people when their happy healthy and vibrant like my siblings were play games, it is difficult to cop sometimes when healthy people can trigger you inadvertantly, so take care all i hope to share some of the things i have found in life to help me to reconnect with the innocence of all those years ago and it is still on going

Thank you for the welcome and supporting words!
I have found 12step fellowships helpful over the years and still attend. One that may be useful to others is a fellowship called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Their literature is worth a read.

hello everyone
well starting out with the first trauma as I recall it after many years floundering within society.

  I was approximately 3 years old. I was meant to be having asleep in the afternoon with my older brother. i stood up on the bed after being told by my mother to lay down and go to sleep. it didn't register with me that their was agitation in her voice and the sensation of defying gravity even just for a moment was just way to tempting to ignore. as i stood up this mischevious grin enveloped across my face and i was awash with what i recall was a blishful joy. i can recall it vividly as it began to flood through me. i looked at my older brother and proceeded to begin to jump up and down on the bed. he did likewise. the next thing i recall is hearing " right " the next thing i saw was the door burst open and this person with spittle coming out of her mouth burst through the door. she went straight towards my older brother and latched hold of him and wailed into him striking perhaps two or three times. i went into shock and stood their agaped at the ferousity of her thrashing. my turn was next and i was picked up by one arm and struck at least twice. i recall laying on my bed and turning into the wall and hating the pain of the thrashing away. i think i blacked out as i was that full of pain.
   i was on holiday overseas getting a deep tissue massage and when the masseus went over this particular area i flinched as if it was only a recent injury and still bruised. when i allaye this to someone else they informed me that it was muscle recall and another thing i had written about that incident from a childs perspective and had referred to my mother as this big red dragon, that was liberating but i blamed myself for years for having gotten my brother into trouble. over a period of time this memory began to enlarge asked myself some probong questions as to who really it was it was that originally may have instigated that game. i suspect it was him originally and i just became enthralled in the euphoria of it.
   there is a load more of these abuses that i will post over the next few weeks ( not to sound like a champion ) and i hoping to connect in some way with others as i know it only has to happen once or twicw to become afflicted.
   just going to place possible trigger in brackets in my heading as I'm slowly becoming familiar with how this site functions, any tips and guidance will be appreciated.