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I think CPTSD is an ok description except for this idea of 'affect regulation' issues. It's nonsense. Survivors have been subjected to extraordinarily painful experiences, causing distressing emotions that no-one could regulate. It happened to us as children, meaning that there is no way we could possibly have developed any way to cope with them. Adults with good childhoods and excellent 'affect regulation' skills are horribly affected if they are raped. They can't control the intense feelings that the trauma causes. They then suffer from 'affect regulation' and self-hating feelings too.

It has always felt like a terrible judgement to me to say that survivors lack the ability to regulate emotions. No. Just like any human, the feelings from rape or other child abuse are so strong and painful that like any human we couldn't 'regulate' them and we can't now, same as if we were assaulted now as adults we wouldn't be able to.

I don't think the abuse or the C-PTSD caused any of my creativity, but I think creativity helps with the trauma.

I think that the more 'interesting' your life is then perhaps the more you have to express. But this doesn't mean you can or will express it creatively. I do think that being creative is very helpful to us with C-PTSD in particular, I think it can be all sorts of things: It can help us express feelings safely and without 'thinking' getting in the way. Craft can be soothing and calming. Art Therapy can be really helpful for trauma survivors. Truth-telling with writing can be really important.

I had bad experiences of study but I really want to participate in life, to fulfill more of my potential. I want to study writing but I just can't stand the thought of subjecting myself to what happens in higher education, people saying hateful or just ignorant things about child sexual abuse. Because whenever it happens I feel so unsafe and worthless.

I usually try to get language that excuses abuse addressed by those with power, to make it stop, but my past experiences trying to study writing is that head tutors tend to defend the actions of the person who was hurtful or offensive. Last time I was told it was "free speech" but what this other student said was absolutely disgusting. No-one else was upset by it so I felt so alone and invalid and worthless. I cancelled my enrollment.

I feel like if we survivors don't express ourselves then all we hear, in film or in literature, is from the abusers or enablers perspective. But in order to express myself I have to subject myself to hurt and abuse from others, and if I try to complain I have my feelings denied yet again by those in power.

It's like a reenactment or reinforcement of the original abuse. I'm abused, silenced and my reality denied. I had an ok experience studying a short course last year but I want to do a proper degree and it's there that I've found so many objectionable attitudes in the past. It almost feels like it's a badge of honour to some people to be insensitive to the impact of abuse and violence.

On top of this my partner never lets me talk about the abuse. So I'm scared that if I study then some days I'm only going to be around people who deny my reality, at home and at uni. That feels dangerous to my health. But I'm furious that I feel so afraid and so limited.

Thanks to those who responded, it is good to know I'm not alone.

Wow tired, you are so determined. It's so hard to keep on trying but you do.

I stopped seeing my mum some years ago. Every time I saw her I felt so awful, I had suicidal thoughts, I just felt worthless. It was so hard but it was worth it. I don't think I'd be here if 'd kept seeing her.

When you have lived with being unsafe for a long time i think it can make it very difficult to recognise when bad feelings are being caused by others. Instead of shrugging off a slightly bullying boss at work I felt worthless, angry and helpless. I saw colleagues do what she said but then laugh at her- it didn't hurt them in their core. Instead of laughing I felt worthless. But it wasn't me who should have felt bad- it was her!

The same with friends and partners, it's a constant battle to try to listen to how I feel and recognise it as a valid reaction to another person's actions, instead of thinking a worthless feeling means I am worthless. I like what steamy said about comparing my inside with the outside of others who seem to get on. I do this all the time, worthless me Vs confident Other, it's always a rotten exercise.

I believe that with imaging technology that scientists can now see the changes CPTSD causes in the brain: it is a form of brain damage. I operate in the world with a major, invisible, disability, that affects everything I feel and do.

Thanks for your reply Trace, thanks for the validation and the welcome

Glad you wrote that, I have difficulties at work, mostly because most workplaces have dysfunctional, hierarchical systems and  this triggers my trauma. My trauma took place mainly in the family, a dysfunctional, hierarchical system, and in children's homes, which are also dysfunctional hierarchical systems. So it makes sense.

People who come from safe families don't experience the same terror when these same dynamics happen at work. They don't feel as angry, as powerless. they don't feel the need to react strongly and attempt to reestablish safety, or to run away from the situation to establish safety.

I am trying to deal with this problem two ways: tackle these particular elements of the abuse in counselling and try and choose work which exposes me as little as possible to organizational systems.

Working as a sole trader/independent contractor is my ideal, but it's hard because one thing I like about work is the social contact.

Hi,
I'm new here too and wanted to say that there is still so little acceptance and understanding of CPTSD, it's a disabling illness like any other. And I also wanted to say you are not responsible for the abuse, no matter what this society makes you feel. If a child jumps up and down yelling "abuse me!" they are still not responsible for the abuse. Adults who choose to abuse children are wholly and completely responsible for the abuse, no matter what.

But the society we live in does not hold the abuser responsible. If it did we would have counselling and housing for survivors, because the damaging effects of the crime of child sexual abuse would be recognized. Society would take responsibility for failing to protect its children, and care for those who survived the crime. But it doesn't, and as a result you are living in a tent, which is awful. you deserve proper housing.

The disabled community fought to put in ramps so that those in wheelchairs could get to school or work: I think what we need is for enough of us to get strong enough to demand that workplaces are accessible ( meaning workplaces that are sensitive, understanding, and stomp on bullying) to those of us with CPTSD.

And that governments stop abrogating their responsibilities to care for those they failed to protect from sexual assault as children. Ignoring the damage and leaving people homeless is a symptom of governmental victim blaming.

Trigger Warning: child sexual abuse, institutional child abuse

Hello fellow survivors,

My CPTSD was caused by a childhood of abuse by multiple abusers and in multiple settings. I was abused by my parents, by strangers and in state care I was abused in institutions and in foster care placements.

My greatest difficulty is in feeling safe in the world, because I found no-one and nowhere safe when I was a child. So many adults who were meant to be safe, who I was told to trust, sexually assaulted me. I was moved to 'safety' again and again, only to find it was not safe. I was moved from abusive adult to abusive adult. Art 15 I ran away from my foster care placement to avoid being abused again by the dad and was kidnapped on the street by a man who abused me until I was 18.

At 18 I ran away again, knowing this time I was safe at least from the state as I was 18, and finally found safety in a young persons housing program, where I was taken to a rape counseller and diagnosed with Complex PTSD.

At 38 I have been trying to heal from the abuse for 20 years now. I wish that the authorities would spend a minute being me and know how much confusion and pain it causes when you allow a child to be repeatedly abused. How I have spent so much time and money and so many tears trying to get some sort of life back.

I have never had a career, because I get bullied at work and I am so badly affected I can't go back. I spend a lot of time alone at home, because I have flashbacks and become very frightened. I was also assaulted by police as a child, so I experience feelings of terror when I see a uniform. I was abused by government workers as a child, so getting help from any kind of funded organisation is triggering and upsetting.

I have a private counseller, paid for by an organisation that is meant to support survivors of abuse in children's homes, but really just pays for my counselling, because, being a government funded organisation, so many things they do remind me of an abusive institution. They are able to pay for about half the sessions I really need.

I have a partner who supports me and I have some friends, so I am very lucky. I don't see anyone from my family of origin. I tried to see my mother but I felt suicidal every time.

I recently testified to a royal commission on child abuse in institutions, it was an awful experience, the commission staff were patronizing, insensitive and really pushy. It felt like being abused by another institution, this time by a commission that was meant to finally hear my abuse experience. The commission staff made me feel like a worthless piece of dirt. They said that us who survived child abuse in state care are now all violent, bad people who use drugs.

It's not true, it hurts like * that they think that. Some survivors used drugs, and maybe some turned bad, but we weren't bad kids, we were abused kids, and most of us are still not bad now at all. But we are suffering. I don't know why the commission was held when they seem to hate us so much still. The government hated us as children, they hate us as adults. They protected our abusers, who are really the bad ones, and they just shifted us around. None of the abusers who worked for the state have gone to prison.

I know this is too long, I wanted to say what I feel and what's happened. I feel so much grief and hurt over how cruel people are.  It hurts that everyone continues to support a system that continues to harm me: whether its enabling bullying at work or the ongoing hatred from government towards those it abused. It seems like it's okay with most people that I'm treated like *.

I feel like I am still being abused.