Growing up in a narc family system, I never learned to set personal boundaries. I also never learned which boundaries were normal, accepted and expected. Any (feeble) attempts I made at setting boundaries in my FOO were shot down on the spot, I was being called, 'selfish', 'unreasonable', 'egotistic' and many more words that were meant to be hurtful and degrading. If words weren't enough, I got the ST until I caved and abandoned all ideas I had of setting personal boundaries. There were no locks on our doors - even the bathroom door keys were confiscated; so no privacy ever, anywhere in the house.
This week, I had a lightbulb moment:
I have to learn to set boundaries because toxic people don't have any.
For so long, I have taken my cues from other people and adapted myself so I could please them instead of listening to my own needs first. But the problem with toxic people is that they will never set boundaries and are thriving on the people who were primed (by themselves or other toxic folk) not to set boundaries, either.
So in order to make any kind of ongoing recovery possible for myself, I need to set boundaries. They don't have to be reasonable, I don't have to justify them to myself or others - they just have to make dealings with other people pleasant for myself. They don't have to be set in stone, either: different boundaries for different occasions/persons. It's about respecting myself and listening to my needs - and it's normal that they vary from occasion to occasion and between different persons. Recently, I have started to find some healthy friends and guess what - none of them ever asked for an explanation let alone a justification if I set a boundary! They have theirs, I have mine and we get along just fine. Plenty of things we have in common and are willing to share that do not involve making one another feel guilty about setting boundaries. What a relief!
For now, these are my affirmations on the issue of 'boundaries':
- You're worth the effort of negotiating new boundaries.
- Set your own boundaries because toxic people won't.
- Boundaries may vary according to your needs. Be mindful of the moment/situation you're in and the people you're with and set them as needed.
- Don't be discouraged if it takes practise before you can set effective boundaries. Observe, learn, adapt.
- Boundaries are not set in stone. Set them as you need them in order to feel safe in the situation.
- If a person rages at you for setting a personal boundary, they have exposed themselves as a toxic person. Healthy people are used to setting boundaries for themselves and have no trouble accepting yours.
This week, I had a lightbulb moment:
I have to learn to set boundaries because toxic people don't have any.
For so long, I have taken my cues from other people and adapted myself so I could please them instead of listening to my own needs first. But the problem with toxic people is that they will never set boundaries and are thriving on the people who were primed (by themselves or other toxic folk) not to set boundaries, either.
So in order to make any kind of ongoing recovery possible for myself, I need to set boundaries. They don't have to be reasonable, I don't have to justify them to myself or others - they just have to make dealings with other people pleasant for myself. They don't have to be set in stone, either: different boundaries for different occasions/persons. It's about respecting myself and listening to my needs - and it's normal that they vary from occasion to occasion and between different persons. Recently, I have started to find some healthy friends and guess what - none of them ever asked for an explanation let alone a justification if I set a boundary! They have theirs, I have mine and we get along just fine. Plenty of things we have in common and are willing to share that do not involve making one another feel guilty about setting boundaries. What a relief!
For now, these are my affirmations on the issue of 'boundaries':
- You're worth the effort of negotiating new boundaries.
- Set your own boundaries because toxic people won't.
- Boundaries may vary according to your needs. Be mindful of the moment/situation you're in and the people you're with and set them as needed.
- Don't be discouraged if it takes practise before you can set effective boundaries. Observe, learn, adapt.
- Boundaries are not set in stone. Set them as you need them in order to feel safe in the situation.
- If a person rages at you for setting a personal boundary, they have exposed themselves as a toxic person. Healthy people are used to setting boundaries for themselves and have no trouble accepting yours.