Messages

So glad you came back, mourningdove! 

And thank you for sharing what PAWS is all about. It sounds dreadful and I admire the way you stay positive about your future. The uncertainty that surrounds it must be disturbing. 

Kind greetings!

Sorry to hear about your friend. It is so sad and unfair.

In Dutch, people wish one another 'strength' in all things concerning illness and death. I'd rather wish you 'courage': Courage to be there for your friend as long as she's still around and courage to face your own sadness as well as that of the people closest to her after she's gone. 

I'm glad that you all made it this far. This loss that my friend's family is about to experience made me think of all of you - that so many of you could have been quietly lost. I'm so, so, so glad that you weren't.   

Right back at you, Cat! Happy 'second birthday' to you, too! 

That's great!

Hello, Katarina,

nice to meet you on this forum! 

I hope that this place - together with your t - can help make the journey into the (past) trauma and pain a little less terrifying. 

Best wishes! kf

http://www.ted.com/talks/ruby_wax_what_s_so_funny_about_mental_illness

Using humour and honesty to talk about mental illness (in her case severe depression) - this woman deserves a standing ovation! 

Here's a good link that exokains overt and covert narcissistic behaviour:

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/category/revealing-the-two-faces-of-narcissism-overt-and-covert/

They need scapegoats as well: Someone strong enough to bear the shame and blame so they are never at fault...

Cat, your mother sounds like the covert PD type to me. Invisible toxic behaviour, same devastating effect on their victims as visible/audible violence...

In many ways, overt PDs are easier to handle for the adult children of PD parents (my f is an overt NPD, m is a covert NPD) because you get more validation for setting strict boundaries to protect yourself, even if you go NC - after all, stopping contact with a parent who's beaten you up makes sense to most people whereas the covert PDs often seem so nice and even like the 'true victim' of the story to most people surrounding them. They only show their true colours to a few - their victims. It's hard to get validation for that unless you find a group of people who believe you because they've been in a similar position like you themselves - like here on OOTS.

Getting this all out in the open was cathartic. I'm feeling wrung out now and grieving, but in that good, healing kind of way, if that makes sense.

Makes total sense to me. Take all the time you need to process this new realizations and to grieve. It's a good sign, a sign that you are taking care of yourself and your needs. 

Be kind to yourself. You deserve it! 

There is a very common trigger that I have – milder nowadays but still a trigger.  When someone does not get back to me fairly quickly about something that might be an issue, I read the silence as dangerous. For example, I had to cancel a therapy appointment the day before I was to go.  I left two messages and sent a text to my T but did not hear back from him for about 10 days or so.  I thought he was being punitive for cancelling the day before, playing head games or whatever.

Same trigger...

It speaks volumes of the kind of 'love' your parents gave you and the methods they used to control you.

Glad it turned out there was a perfectly innocent explanation - but even more glad that you wouldn't take that kind of cr@p from a t (or anyone else) any more. What a long way you've come already! 

Wow - major lightbulb moment! This is something you can really put to work!

Given the nature of a PDm-d relationship (my own m is uNPD), I am not surprised that it took you longest to find your voice towards her - but now that you did, let it be heard loud and clear!

I love it how our dreams - even if they come in the unpleasant shape of a nightmare - can sometimes help us in our healing.

Oh, fairyslipper, this is so sad! My heart goes out to all of you. 

I can understand so well what you're saying, how you wish you could make this right for your d and take away the hurt (both my ds were involved in accidents within the last 15 months, both sustained head injuries and though both will fully recover, they are not there yet). The physical distance between you and your d must be hard to bear for you. I can relate so much to you saying that you wish there would be more than the four of you to fall back onto in a case like this, to share the pain with and make it a bit easier to bear.

I admire the strength that your family displays in how you're dealing with this loss. It might be a small unit, but it's certainly a strong one. The way you are working with and through the pain of the loss instead of trying to downplay it or dismiss it, is so life affirming.

Hope the doctor's visit goes well.

Is there anything you might want to do to make you feel a little better? Like maybe send her a bunch of flowers through an online flower service or make a surprise package with some nice little things for your d and sil in it?

Kudos to you! 

kf

Thanks for the link - very good information on her website. 

The subtle verbal abuses are indeed very hard to spot - I often do not realize what's been happening until after I leave a conversation and feel drained.

Thanks, Kizzie and Cat! 

I know how increasingly difficult things are when I'm tired and find it really useful to remind myself that a lot of the feeling of difficulty is down to tiredness, not my actual capabilities when I'm not tired. It's a small thing but I hope you find the suggestion useful.

I don't like the person I become when I'm tired.

Thank you for reminding me that that's not all I am capable of.

There is a lot of wisdom and strength on this forum. 

Talking to teenagers about feelings is often something that makes them uncomfortable and retract into their own shell. In large parts, it's part of the normal development.

As for the case of your niece and her suicide attempt:  So sorry for her! I hope she is in good hands now and gets as much (professional) help and non judgmental support as she needs to stabilize and feel better again. 

Your son's reaction to your request sounds a bit cold on the surface but it could also be that he finds the whole situation just too much and too disconcerting and that's why he doesn't want to deal with it. It actually is a lot to handle - even for us grown ups.

Maybe you could ask your son to treat his cousin like he normally would, like any other person her age so she gets a chance to feel 'normal' again? She has professional help and some grown ups (like you) she can trust for support, so maybe it would be nice for her, too, to have someone she can just hang out with and be treated normally and can leave her problems behind for a bit? Might be easier for your son to handle and relaxing for your niece as well.

I get that you are concerned that your son might be a narc like his father. I am sorry I cannot help you with that. It's a possibility but from the few bits you have told about him so far, he seems to be able to listen to you and change his behaviour if you call him on something - albeit in a very teenagy way but he is a teenager, after all. It's part of the job description  .

Kudos to you! 

Hi, Mary,

hope you're feeling a bit better today. 

I had a bit of a sh*tty weekend myself and had a good cry yesterday. Sometimes crying is the best thing you can do for yourself. It's a sign of self compassion.

I am sorry you've suffered so many losses in your life. I admire how you are honest and authentic and the main reason behind your life decisions seems to be the drive to keep yourself sane and healthy. It shows you have compassion for yourself and others. I am just sorry that the necessity to keep yourself healthy has forced you to break up with your boyfriend now.

Please be good to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve and heal. Sending good thoughts and hugs your way! 

kf

No nightmares last night - progress!

I slept better for reminding myself that there are good and kind people in the world, capable of caring and love (plus I took the 'emergency cuddler' that my d gave me when I was in a major depression 2 years ago out of its hiding place for extra comfort. Sounds pathetic but I needed it last night  ).

We can tell that h's friend is in trouble and getting deeper into it by the year. His wife has now alienated him from his entire FOO as well as from all his friends except two (one of which is h).  His coping strategies seem to be mainly long hours at work (no extra pay) and booze. His alcohol consumption rises in direct relation to the time he has to spend at home. It feels wrong to go NC with the entire family now and leave him even more isolated than he already is, but now that his wife has also started attacking me, h and I have decided that our own wellbeing has to take precedence and that we'll try very low LC first (birthdays only) and go NC if we're out of options. We have also discussed two different exit strategies should a situation like this emerge again.

Today, lots of other incidents involving h's friend's wife have been resurfacing in my mind and I realized that I've been attacked by her more often than I realized. All small, insignificant and tiny little daggers. I can't believe I never noticed - still the old patterns of behaviour on my part, I guess. Thinking of these remarks as slaps in the face - and how many would I be willing to take without walking away immediately? (NONE!!!) - is a good analogy to keep in mind.

Thank you all for being here. It helped a lot, really.