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My condolences, JDog, and I'm sorry that because of this late communication the chance of saying goodbye at the funeral will be denied to you.

Last year, I had to say goodbye to my grandma by myself. It was sad and not fair - but I did it my own way and I feel at peace - I feel  that things between me and my grandma are ok. No FOO games can take away from us what we did have. That knowledge helped me a lot in my grief (both the grief over her death as the grief about being denied the opportunity to attend her funeral).

I hope you'll find a way to say goodbye to your cousin and to grieve his death in a way that will bring you peace. 

That's the downside of being LC/NC with your FOO.

Hope you'll get your answers soon. 

We share the same trigger. I'm especially triggered by loud and/or aggressive people 'in packs'. Soothing/calming exercises do nothing for me in a situation like this, either. My t explained to me that soothing/calming exercises are meant for different triggers, not when there is a degree of real and present danger.

Where do you meet these people that trigger you? - At a place where you can leave/avoid them or at a place/situation where you're stuck?

For me, a flight response works best for this particular trigger - avoid if possible; get away if necessary/possible; hide behind an (emotionally) stronger person if nothing else helps.

Hi, Trace,

sending you a huge hug  .

Why exactly have you broken up with her? I didn't catch that...

Do you think it would be a good idea to start a thread in which we can discuss how to find a good (read: capable of warmth and empathy) t? - Maybe a thread where we can all share red flags/green flags of good/bad Ts, something like that? (Since my t moved to another city I also have to look for a new one and am very interested...)

Hope you're doing ok and not getting too isolated. We're all here for you and we care. 

Hi, 3of5,

welcome to the forum! 

I'm very glad you've found us and had the courage to write that first post. 

Hope you'll find support and validation here - and people who 'get' you. You deserve to have many more moments of feeling glad you were born. 

I know nothing about living with a person with Aspergers - no can help, alas.

Have you heard of Simon Baron-Cohen? He has done lots of research in the field of autism and his book "Zero degrees of empathy" is truly eye opening even for us as layman in understanding the possibilities and limits of different conditions in human interactions.

It explains about the different aspects of empathy, cognitive and affective empathy, and what the consequences to a person's behaviour are if you lack the one or the other (or both).

(Oversimplifying here): He states that empathy in humans can be measured and it is a bell curve, with "zero positive" empathy on the one end and "zero negative" empathy on the other end (and most humans are somewhere in between). "Zero positive" conditions are mainly autism and Aspergers - both are conditions where people suffering from it have little to no empathy but they would never willingly hurt a  fly let alone another person. The "Zero negative" conditions are the 'cluster B' conditions: Psychopaths, narcs and BPDs. Their empathy quotient is also (close to) zero, but they do use and abuse people for their own purposes and without remorse.

It's a really good book and also helped me to understand more about the PDs that have hurt me in my life (mainly narcs, I think).

Here's also a 30 minute interview with him about the subject: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aq_nCTGSfWE

I don't know if growing up with a parent who has Aspergers could cause/be at the root of CPTSD. Intent makes a huge difference in how we perceive a person's actions towards us, but helplessness and (emotional) neglect can also be unintentional and still be hurtful if you are on the receiving end of it  .

Hi, smg,

sorry that you've gotten into an EF after mother's day. 

I don't know if there's a connection between the severity of your EF, mother's day and your financial situation but I find that for me (due to the legacy of my childhood home, so it might be totally different for you) financial insecurity increases the severity of all other triggers for EFs. Not so much being financially tight in itself, I can live on a small budget, but insecurities like you mentioned: Do I need to sell my house and rent? Do I need to find another job that pays more, even though I won't like it as much? What are my options and what are the guarantees that if I choose this or that, it will turn out ok?

Once I've weighed all my options and actually come to a decision, the EF disappears quickly, and so do other symptoms like eczema and insomnia.

Your dream - unpleasant though it was - was also a bit empowering: Your subconscious opened a dialogue with your mother and called her to halt. Maybe that strange young woman was a person who stuck up for you, fought your battles for you, when the persons who were actually in your life at the time the abuse happened were frozen in helpless anger? - Not meant as an interpretation of your dream. Only you can interpret it correctly. I just remember at a certain stage in my recovery I had many of those kind of dreams: At first, it was the grown up me entering the dream stage and protecting the child/teenage me; later it was the child/teenage me who stood up for herself. For me, though they were nightmare scenarios, they also felt empowering, since they gave me a chance to confront my parents - a chance I never had face to face.

I do hope you'll feel better soon and your rash will go away. Sending you good thoughts! 

Last night, someone said something so absurd that I spontaneously laughed - loud and free.

It was a nice sensation, I felt light and carefree and sunny inside.

As I savoured the feeling, I also noticed that it's something I hardly ever do: Spontaneous, carefree laughing out loud. Usually, I'm too tense to do that and though I can appreciate jokes or comical situation and have a good laugh, the 'carefree' part of the feeling is often missing - and that's the best part! Having experienced it yesterday, I want more of it - it's a great feeling! (Getting greedy here... )

My default thinking still seems to be: "Careful if something feels good - you never know what danger lurks behind it" and I seldom let my guard down enough to just enjoy the moment to the full. Can anybody relate? How often do you feel carefree enough to just laugh out loud?

Hi, Ladybug,

getting started in an online community is always a bit tricky.

This is a very supportive community and people are willing to offer support, but you have to understand that all of us are suffering from CPTSD and in order to integrate into the community you have to offer some as well as receive some. So joining into other people's threads and showing an interest in others is probably a good idea - let people get to know you and you get to know them.

There is an active thread about the very point you'd like to discuss right here: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1634.0 . Maybe you'd like to join in that discussion?

Sometimes getting a response might take hours or even days, so if you are in need of immediate support please try and use one of the following resources: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=82.0.

Sending good thoughts and a  your way.

So glad that you had a nice and relaxed mother's day! You deserve it!

I can't believe I ever thought of her behaviour as covert 

My reaction - "argh" and then "meh" - so I would have to say I am getting there in terms of recoveringl.

Couldn't help but laugh at your description - you're certainly getting there in recovery if you're able to see the rediculous side of her behaviour! 

I used to think that 'covert' was somehow better than 'overt' -  . Ah well.... live and learn...

So sorry you're dealing with this. 

FWIW, this is 'normal' for the early stages of learning to deal with CPTSD. It gets better as you develop more 'coping muscles'. At this stage, the most important thing is that you try to be kind and patient with yourself and trust that once you've gotten through the first really tough patches, you'll not only find your old mojo back, but have improved your coping skills and self care skills which will also help in your professional capacity. All your talents, your knowledge, your professional skills and your tenacity are still within you - nothing's gone even if it might feel like it now.

What might help in an emergency is having a 'grounding exercise' at hand that works for you and one which you can use at work, as well. For me, it's taking a gulp of cold water and concentrating on the sensations when it slides down my throat - cool, refreshing, pure and real. Try some different grounding exercises and see which one works best for you.

In the long run, you'll need more than just a quick fix. For a friend of mine, a combination of CBT and anxiety meds worked best. For me, CBT helped stabilize most of my symptoms and better skills at boundary setting and a better self care routine combined work fairly well. (Not saying that CBT is always the answer, it only ever gets you so far and for some people it does nothing at all, but if it's not CBT than there are plenty of other methods that are effective in helping people with CPTSD cope better. It's a question of finding the right thing for you).

Do you have a t that can help you?

Sorry that I can't be of any more practical help. Just trying to reassure you that you'll get through this first stage of disorientation and insecurity. You're not alone in this and we do understand and care. Sending you a  .

Hi, Indigo,

another one who hates her own birthday. For many of the same reasons you have given (though I'n not triggered by other people's birthdays, only my own).

I usually feel myself wishing it was anybody's birthday but my own - I like other people's birthday parties, big or small. Just nothing where the spotlights are on me - it makes me extremely uneasy. (In the past, I used to wish I could just crawl under a stone for the day till it's over so I guess it's an improvement of sorts already  ).

Do you have a birthday coming up or just had one?

But you know, there  are many people I know who don't celebrate their birthdays with huge parties of family and friends. My t made me start celebrating my birthdays, but in a way that feels nice and safe to me. I had three since then: One a short break with my FOC, next a small party of friends and we met at a nice place where we shared some activities and a picnic; this year a girl's day out with two other 'girls'. Nothing major, nothing like in the movies, something that suits my needs. I still feel uneasy about it, but I'm trying...

I know my mum is very ashamed that she brought me into this world with a visual impairment, and perhaps this is partly why.

This is so sad and so wrong. How does this make it less of a reason to celebrate your being here? 

Most of the time, I feel like I'm more existing than living a full life.

The thing is, that I was raised by Narents who made so many demands on me that I never had time to for myself, to find out what my interests or even my needs are. I became a co dependant; always relying on someone else to provide me with a purpose in life.

Now I'm trying to discover what my interests are, what moves me, where I want to volunteer/join in; where my particular set of characteristics is wanted and needed.

I get glimpses of the good stuff more these days and find myself saying "Oh so that's what thriving (joy, playfulness, contentment, relaxation ....) feels like, hunh. Well OK I see the point if you can actually have more of this in life.  Now, how do I get to more of that?"

I've not had many of those glimpses yet - still too afraid to trust the peace and simple joy - but the few I've had make me want to go on looking for them. I hope we can all get there... 

Hello, coralreef,

welcome to OOTS! 

I am very glad you've found us. 

I think the dawning realisation that I had C-PTSD was when I told my counsellor that I can't remember large patches of my childhood.
Then we talked about how some situations in my life seem to trigger off strong emotional reactions - terror, anger, sadness, feelings of intense rejection and abandoment, a desire to run away and hide. I now realise these are EF's.
I also 'zone out' easily - disassociation. I can lose hours in a day just staring into space, or lost in a dreamworld.

Quite a lightbulb moment. It's a tough realization.  How do you feel about it?

I was first diagnosed with PTSD in 2001 and in 2012 with CPTSD. What a difference the "C" makes - suddenly a lot about myself and my behaviour made sense to me. Since then, I have taken some (baby)steps towards developping better 'dealing with CPTSD muscles'. Pete Walker's book "CPTSD - From Surviving to Thriving" has been very helpful to me, as has his website http://www.pete-walker.com/. Have you checked these out yet?

I'm currently going through a really rough patch, trying to process the reality of my neglectful, abusive childhood. I feel like it's taking all of my energy to fight through this every day.

Be very very kind to yourself. You've managed to survive the trauma, now it's time to concentrate on learning how to thrive in the present and the future. You deserve it. 

Hi, Spot,

welcome to OOTS! 

I am very glad you've found us. 

Sorry to read what you've been through with your FOO and previous partners. It's appalling and you deserved none of that. 

This is a great place to concentrate on yourself, on your journey towards healing and better dealing with CPTSD. It's a bumpy ride at times, but you're not alone in it and I do hope that you'll soon be able to visualize a future for yourself. You deserve to find some peace and stability in your life and I think it's great that despite everything, you are willing to learn how to trust again.