Messages

Hi, JS,

nice to meet you. 

I hope you'll have a great time joining in the discussions on this forum. It's nice to meet others wh are dealing with many of the same issues - lowers the feeling of isolation a bit that people with CPTSD often have.

See you around! kf

I love a good coffee - cappucino, latte, anything with milk in it, really.

My DH gave me a cappucino class by an Italian barrista for a present once and last year I had saved up enough money to buy a nice machine with freshly ground beans (learned how to get the best taste out of a bean melange as well in that class!) and a milk steamer. Pure joy!

I also love a good white or rosé wine - but I'm a social drinker so how much I enjoy it really depends more on the company than on the wine  .

Oh, BM, I am so happy for you!

One step a time - and this is a BIG one! 

I am another one of those who has difficulties in asking for anything for myself. Love your story! 

Love this thread!

Hi, Survivor,

what a great idea to keep a journal of some kind on your recovery! I like it a lot! It makes every step you've taken so much more real.

Kudos to you!

kf

[yourself]

Hi, PPC,

and welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us. 

Your English is fine and easy to understand - no need to apologize for it. 

I can recognize a lot of what you describe. The beginning of my relationship with my DH was also quite a bumpy ride - most of it down to my CPTSD and not yet having had T to stabilize my symptoms. To this day, I don't know why he stuck it out with me but I am glad he did - he and our kids are the best thing that ever happened to me and my reason for still fighting to get better. Your man sounds like a good egg and I can understand why you want to work on your CPTSD so it does no longer have such a big affect on your relationship. Kudos to you!

May I ask if you have had counseling or therapy of any kind yet?

When my oldest child was 2 years old, I finally started t. I didn't want to pass on the legacy to my innocent little child and I wanted to get better. Before that, I was merely surviving, pretending everything was fine to the outside world like I was used to in my childhood home. I had Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and that stabilized most of my symptoms quite effectively. It was a relief for our small family and the relationship between DH and me that I was feeling better - and though CPTSD is a 'life sentence' in the sense that it's never really 'over', I can honestly say that it does get easier to live with once the major symptoms are stabilized to a certain extend. It's not all sunshine and roses but it's a better and healthier relationship now than it was when we first lived together.

Have you checked out the toolbox from Out of the FOG yet? http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Toolbox.html

Just one more thought: I really admire that you want to work on your CPTSD in order to improve your relationship with your partner. It is great. Just remember that when you start/continue working on yourself that you want to do it for yourself as well. You're worth it! 

Looking forward to reading more from you and really glad you're here! 

kf

One of my favorite pick-me-up songs is "A piece of sky" by Barbara Streisand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT7R-QCrhtg

When she (the film persona) talks to her late father who had always encouraged her to be herself despite conventions I always imagine that my father were like that - encouraging me to expore my possibilities.

No wonder I have such a little bit of will power, to actually leave and move on with MY life. I guess to get over this I really am going to need a therapist!! I don't know how this leaves me. the bite model does not say anything about therapy for the victim of a pimp...

I've read Hassan's book 'Freedom of Mind' (http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Mind-Helping-Controlling-Beliefs/dp/0967068819). His approach is centered on getting everyone involved in trying to free the mind of a cult victim and bring back his/her authentic self. It's very loving and a very powerful approach.

In our case, the 'loved ones' more often than not are the (emotional) abusers, so we have to be creative about whose help it is wise to enlist and whose 'help' would only get us deeper into the FOG. But anyone fighting our corner - professionals, friends, people you meet in a forum ... -  is just as fine.

It is a very good roadmap back to our 'authentic selves' and the skills you learn are the same ones you need in order to pick up your life after a toxic childhood/relationship. (I was raised in a cult and escaped together with DH about a decade ago)

I once asked my T if she thought there was anything 'me', anything truly 'authentic' left to be found at all - what with being raised in a NPD-ed family and in a cult. She said: "Yes, there is. It's like a little gem that was so precious to you that you protected it with all the strength that was in you and you let no one touch it or destroy it."

I believe we all have some part of ourselves that was so precious to us that we protected it no matter what - and that's what we're fighting to (re)gain now: A sense of authenticity, a sense of self and of self worth.

Caron Zlotnick has done research on helping women that were (forced) into prostitution, I think???

Kudos to you, BM!

 

BM, it's nothing short of a miracle that you are up and functioning and being a loving and devoted grandma to your lovely GD.

Be very very nice to yourself and enlist all the help you can get (t but also practical help in getting an eviction order for your sponging sis!).

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way... 

[- Before you start, think of a recent situation in which you've felt happy, comfortable and confident about yourself so you can recall it during the exercise.- Sit comfortably, eyes open, concentrate on your non-dominant hand (left if you're righthanded; right if you're lefthanded)- Make your non-dominant hand into a fist so you can feel tension but no pain. 'Send' all the tension and stress/anxiety from your body into this one fist (2 minutes maximum). Watch your knuckles go white and feel the pressure in your fingers and the palm of your hand. Imagine your fist being like a magnet that attracts all the negative tension in your body, through your shoulders and your arm into your fist. Can you feel it happening?- If it helps, imagine a liquid of any color you want flowing towards your fist- Every time you breathe out, the tension flows a little faster towards your fist- Feel the difference between the tension that is in your fist and the increasing relaxation of the rest of your body. Concentrate on that.- If the tension in your fist is too much, open your fist and shake it off - Resume the exercise of concentrating all your unwanted tension into your fist- Keep doing it until even the most tense parts of your body feel sufficiently relaxed- Shake your fist whenever necessary- Do not stop until you've reached a comfortable amount of relaxation- Shake your hand one last time and relax it- Once all tension is gone, form your dominant hand into a fist. Imagine this as the place where all your strength, your positive emotions - happiness, confidence, determination... - and all your positive experiences are stored. Maybe concentrate on the recent situation in which you've felt good about yourself (first step of this exercise)- Now send all your positive energy from the fist of your dominant hand into your body, through your arm and via your shoulder. Feel the strength, the warmth and the energy and all the positive emotions of power and confidence surge through your body. By making your strong dominant hand into a fist you can neutralize the tension and the anxiety and replace it with pleasant and positive emotions. As soon as this exercise is over, you can relax your dominant hand. You can repeat this exercise as often as you want and need it.]

There were 3 exercises to combat dissociation:

1) The grounding exercise

3) A worksheet to determine the triggers of your dissociation


2) The fist exercise.

I'll try and translate it for you/us:


- Before you start, think of a recent situation in which you've felt happy, comfortable and confident about yourself so you can recall it during the exercise.

- Sit comfortably, eyes open, concentrate on your non-dominant hand (left if you're righthanded; right if you're lefthanded)

- Make your non-dominant hand into a fist so you can feel tension but no pain. 'Send' all the tension and stress/anxiety from your body into this one fist (2 minutes maximum). Watch your knuckles go white and feel the pressure in your fingers and the palm of your hand. Imagine your fist being like a magnet that attracts all the negative tension in your body, through your shoulders and your arm into your fist. Can you feel it happening?

- If it helps, imagine a liquid of any color you want flowing towards your fist

- Every time you breathe out, the tension flows a little faster towards your fist

- Feel the difference between the tension that is in your fist and the increasing relaxation of the rest of your body. Concentrate on that.

- If the tension in your fist is too much, open your fist and shake it off

- Resume the exercise of concentrating all your unwanted tension into your fist

- Keep doing it until even the most tense parts of your body feel sufficiently relaxed

- Shake your fist whenever necessary

- Do not stop until you've reached a comfortable amount of relaxation

- Shake your hand one last time and relax it

- Once all tension is gone, form your dominant hand into a fist. Imagine this as the place where all your strength, your positive emotions - happiness, confidence, determination... - and all your positive experiences are stored. Maybe concentrate on the recent situation in which you've felt good about yourself (first step of this exercise)

- Now send all your positive energy from the fist of your dominant hand into your body, through your arm and via your shoulder. Feel the strength, the warmth and the energy and all the positive emotions of power and confidence surge through your body. By making your strong dominant hand into a fist you can neutralize the tension and the anxiety and replace it with pleasant and positive emotions. As soon as this exercise is over, you can relax your dominant hand. You can repeat this exercise as often as you want and need it.



Hope this makes any sense...

I tried visualizations once, mainly out of principle because I didn't want to dismiss it as hippie woolly-mindedness without having proof that it wouldn't work. It worked. Apparently, my subconscious rather enjoys getting to picture itself fighting introjects with rayguns. I had no idea.

Priceless! 

Hi annegirl,

I am so sorry for what your mother did to you. 

In my FOO, my little brother was the one who was on the receiving end of physical abuse more than any of us girls. He's got neurological damage as a result (his brain was damaged and he lost some motoric functions in one hand and arm). I've seen him resort into the state you describe and I think that 'collapse response' is the correct term (though it never occured to me to name it that until I read your post and memories of my brother's response during an attack from one or both of my parents came flooding back.... ). I used 'freeze' as a response but my brother needed to dissociate more than me in order to endure and the way I understand Pete Walker, 'collapse' is the extreme 'freeze' response.

When reading Walker's book, I couldn't imagine what 'collapse response' looks like and now I realize I've witnessed it several times... This kind of silent reponse seemed to anger my parents even more and cause them to inflict even more damage... 

(My little brother really has been broken by my parents. He's doing relatively fine now - as good as it'll ever get, probably - has a dog who loves him unconditionally and a group of other struggling grownups where he can turn to for support)

I've got a book with exercises to get you out of extreme dissociation but I haven't tried them myself since I've never experienced this kind of response so I don't know whether or not they are helpful. Need to look them up for you (but not today - too little time, alas).

The people who emotionally abused me tried to control me down to the tiniest detail. They rejected or abused my opinions, my looks, the way I walked, the food I liked, the way I worked, simply just everything. My mindset, my habits, even the furniture and the kind of tea I prefer, everything got attacked. The battle ground was everywhere. It's only logical, then, that even tiny things remind me of trauma. After all, even tiny things were pretexts for abuse.

 

This sounds soooo familiar -----

My childhood felt very similar - there was just no winning with these people ever. I was never good enough and I had the wrong gender too (I should have been a boy........).

'Battleground' is a very accurate word to describe my childhood home - only no one ever thought to provide weapons or shelter for me.

On a brighter note: We survived, 'they' didn't break us and our scars are slowly healing. It's good to get rid of physical reminders of the past. I just wish there was a bin to get rid of the diminishing thoughts and emotions that were instilled in us, too.

 

I am so sorry that your siblings don't support you in your struggle with CPTSD. Do you have anyone else on your side IRL? CPTSD is tough to deal with, even with lots of support.

It is such a beautiful thing that you did for your FOO, organizing all those family events and making people feel welcome and connected. Be proud of what you did and tried to achieve. It's a shame that  your FOO don't repay you with more kindness.

Basically, you broke the code of silence and secrecy and your FOO is 'punishing' you with the Silent Treatment right now in order to try and bring you back in line. They may cool down and rekindle contact eventually, they may wait for you to resume the role you've always played in the family system, things may even out by themselves if they see you're progressing - it pretty much depends on the dynamics in your FOO.

Has it always been you who initiated contact, even with your DM and your siblings?

Hang in there and take good care of yourself. 

Thank you both for your replies! I hope you don't think that I didn't value them because it took me so long to reply - I am a slow processor if it comes to things that touch me to my core - and this certainly does.

I've been mulling your suggestions over in my mind, testing some of your tips to see what works for me (...still kind of hoping that there'd be a way to just 'snap' out of freeze but alas....).

I've been working on my flight responses - going to the gym one extra time a week, working in the garden (autumn is just starting here), spoiling myself a bit by going to the hairdresser's and getting a pedicure. I've also been consciously reminding myself that there are other responses available to me than 'freeze' and that they might be a healthier way of coping in this situation. So that was a good tip, thank you SC!

I've also started writing - though I've made the exercises simpler for me. I've been writing in my journal - not daily but still - just to let myself know that I'm here, that I'm actually living and not just coping with past trauma and fear.

I've bought a new notepad - small but big enough to write a few thoughts on it. I've started writing down what hurts me/frightens me and (if possible) details as to the triggers. After I've written them, I put them in a box. I'll decide what to do with the content later, once I've written 'away' what troubles me now.

I like the idea of a good cry. It's a good way of releasing stress and I can't believe I never even thought of it! Only problem is that I can only do that if nobody's around - especially the kids - so there has been no good oportunity for it yet. Will do, though.

As you can see, I've really taken all you've said to heart - so thanks again to schödinger's cat and pam!