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Hi, narlexia,

nice to meet you on this forum! 

It's crazy making, growing up in a home that's ruled by Ns, isn't it? How they make you think that you are the problem, the 'oversensitive' one, when all the time they are dysfunctional and your reactions are normal in the situation.... I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I am merely showing the symptoms of someone else's disease (overt Nf, covert Nm, PD sis). 

I am very sorry you've had such horrible experiences with Ts before but it is great that you are brave enough to try working with another one. I hope that this one will work out for you! CPTSD was the first thing that made sense to me, too, and there are many possibilities to work with that diagnosis, so that's the 'good news'.

Best wishes, kf

Hello, Encontrada,

and welcome to OOTS! 

I am very sorry for all you've been through and that you feel like you're no longer the person you used to be. Small wonder that you find it difficult to connect to other people if you feel like you've somehow lost the connection to your own true self. Many people with CPTSD encounter problems like this during their recovery so you're not alone in your perceptions and feelings any more. 

I am very glad you've found us and hope that this community will help you on your way to getting your trust in yourself and in others back.

Best wishes, kf

Phoebes, I am so sorry the impending M's Day is so tough on you. It is so hard to lift the FOG and chose what's best for you and since you've 'only' been NC for 4 weeks, the rage, the hoovering and smear campainging will still be intense and fierce - plus you will probably still feel very raw. It's a horrible time and I admire the courage and resolve that makes you stick to your decision to be good to yourself and do what your gut tells you to do.

I've been NC with my covert Nm for 14 years now.

Mother's day is no longer an emotional problem for me. I no longer feel the guilt of not visiting her and not making it a special day for her. She never thanked me for it any way - quite the opposite. Now that I think about it, M's Day has not been a bad day of the year for me since the feelings of guilt and obligation are gone. Can't remember exactly when that happened - the first two or three years after going NC saw me being helplessly guilt ridden and repeating to myself over and over why NC had been the only option - but at some point those feelings receded. In the beginning, my b and sisters were also still trying to get me to come over and to forgive her 'because it's M's Day and she's our m and blablablah' but those efforts have receded, as well, over the years.

My mother - even after 14 years of NC - still plays her PD games. She still has an unquenchable thirst for information about my life (...squeezes her flying monkeys about any and all information she can get) and has been smear campaigning me so badly that I'm also NC with practically all my FOO. So she still sometimes has the ability to hurt me by messing up the relationships between me and people I love (...and who would be willing to love me back). But the M's Day connection is gone there, too.

For me, M's Day for the past decade or so has been solely about my kids and my h making it a special day for me. I'll never forget when my little d cooked breakfast in bed for me for the first time. She was 6 or 7 years old and had cooked for me a toast with mayonnaise, ham, cheese, salami, an egg and beautifully sliced strawberries on it. She had finished off her masterpiece by dressing the plate with my favorite chocolates for which she had used Worcester Sauce to make them stick to the edge of the plate. --- It tasted exactly as you'd imagine it did - quite disgusting to be honest    - but it was done with much love and pride glowing in her eyes and it's one of my favorite memories of M's Day now.

Wishing you all the best - and hope that even though it's a tough time for you this year, it'll be worth it for you. If you'd had a Hallmark kind of m, you'd send her the perfect card no problem. It's not your fault that Hallmark doesn't print the kind of cards your m deserves.   

Hello, littlepalm,

nice to meet you on this forum!

to the 11 yo  lp and  to the adult lp. So much sadness, so much loneliness.

I am glad that you have found a good t to help you in your recovery.

Are you familiar with Pete Walker's work on CPTSD yet? http://www.pete-walker.com/ His book "CPTSD - From Surviving to Thriving" is also a great resource.

Hopefully this place will help you feel less alone in your experiences. I do like your dream of taking care of orphaned animals. Is it at all possible to make it come true?

Hello, ZM,

welcome to OOTS! 

FWIW: I'm very glad you made it out of Egypt! That comment of your f's certainly revealed a lot about his true nature - there is just no excuse for it! 

I am also glad to read that you are in a safe situation now and have found a wonderful and supportive wife so you can heal and enjoy the good things that life has to offer.

A part of having CPTSD is also not recognizing how hurtful the different kinds of abuse we were subjected to as children or by untrustworthy partners really are. Many of us CPTSD survivors have no trouble recognizing it when others describe their experiences but downplay the severity of our own. Like you, it took a while for me to recognize and acknowledge that my childhood home really was an unsafe and abusive place and that I had to survive and grow up with no stable and loving adult in my life. 

Have you checked out Pete Walker's site on CPTSD yet? http://www.pete-walker.com/

But OOTF has been immensely helpful, and while I'm sorry to see so many familiar faces stuck on this hard road with me, I couldn't be in better company.

Very, very true.

I hope you'll find this a great place to work on your recovery.

Wow, BeHea1thy, that website is a bomb full of information! Thanks for posting the link!

[...] the phrase "payoffs of being a martyr". And whammo! It caused an epiphany for me.

Ugh, that phrase hit home  - my m is a covert N and the 'ultimate martyr'. I never understood what the payoff is for her but she seems to enjoy the self assigned role and gets very angry if you don't go along with it.  (I am NC with her - only way to get away from the craziness)

So sorry you have to deal with this, Trace. It just doesn't feel right. Like C. said, every person should be able to benefit from a good therapy. This makes no sense and somehow I get the idea that it's the t who's incompetent here....

This is an article about Narcissistic Doctors, not Ts, but I just thought you'd maybe like to read it (after all, a t is also a form of medical specialism):

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/narcissistic-doctors/

This episode got my attention:

"Furthermore, narcissistic doctors don't listen to their patients. They may go for a "quick fix" and not even try to find the cause. Every day problems bore them.."

Is that maybe what's going on with your t? Did she go for a quick fix and when that didn't work she got bored with your problems and is now trying to find a reason to stop treating you by blaming you for the 'failure' of a quick fix? Just a thought...

Real problems require attention in order to come up with solutions, not quick fixes.

I do hope you'll figure out a solution to your work problems, as well. I've had to stay in crappy jobs just for the insurance and I don't wish it on anyone. But you said somewhere that you normally like your job but that the triggers are too high in the department in which you were working. Is your employer open to talking about switching to a department with less triggers/more predictable triggers? (For me, the predictability of triggers makes a huge difference in my ability to handle them)

Wishing you all the best in trying to find solutions for your work problems, your (possible) insurance problems and your t/GP problems. 

Later, laying in bed, I felt the butterflies in my stomach which I have come to learn is a message from my  inner child.  I asked what was wrong, and really got no answer.  But, for the first time ever, I could actually picture me as a toddler (pretty cute!) and sent her support.  I remembered that the critic did serve to protect the child from harm at one point - attempting, at least, to change behavior so that she didn't get into trouble just for being a child.  Given what I know today, it absolutely makes sense that I hated being a child.  I have surprised myself as an adult in that I actually enjoy being with children.....didn't think that would happen.  In any case, I tried thanking both the child and the critic for communicating with adult me.  I will keep at this tedious process (sigh).

This is such a lovely way to communicate with both. Full of self acceptance and self compassion. 

Yes, sometimes I am a bit afraid to grieve. I think it's mostly fear of loss of control and the vulnerability that comes as a result of loss of control...

And how do you allow your body to continue crying, when your mind shuts off the emotion and makes you numb?
This may be dissociation?  The tears just suddenly stop and i feel nothing, as thought my body is trying to protect me from pain.

I think you're right: It is a form of protection that was apt when we were still in an unstable and maybe even dangerous environment, but is unhelpful now in our recovery. Or maybe it's even still helpful in our recovery because sometimes you just can't deal with full amount the pain so it's okay that you go numb after a while. It's a mixed blessing ....   

Alas, no tips on how to let the pain be felt and released into tears. I am not very good at it myself. I have noticed that it's easier for me to cry about someone else's pain than my own (recollections of how my LC bro was treated, or a sad movie or something...) and sometimes - though very seldom indeed - it continues into a feeling where I can feel sorry for my younger self and cry tears for her, as well.

Self compassion is something that is still a mostly foreign concept to me so I'll be really interested in any tips and suggestions, too. Thank you for bringing up this subject, Indy! 

Hi, apples,

welcome to the forum!  I am very glad you've found us.

It is so sad that you had to endure so much as a child/adolescent from the people who should have cherished and protected you. Double betrayal. 

This is a place with a lot of supportive and non judgmental people. I hope you'll find a safe haven that helps and validates you during your recovery.

Thank you for your kind words, JDog.

We're bound to get triggered by posts sometimes, but we're also bound to help one another deal with it. That's what makes this place so special. 

I'm sorry to hear your partner is facing so many difficulties. Must be a lot to cope with for the both of you.

Hope you'll be able to recharge your batteries after the week you've had. 

Yes, I definitely have some physical symptoms due to my CPTSD. My t explained to me that they are psychosomatic which apparently means that the symptoms are real but they don't originate in a physical disorder (when in doubt about any new symptoms, I'm advised to always check with my GP first to exclude any physical illnesses). It often manifests itself in the 'weakest link' of my body at the time (headaches, tummy/bowel problems....).

What works for me (tested, failed, tried again....) is a mixture of routine, eating habits that agree with me and exercising to help losen up my muscles. Exercising has an added bonus of serving as a flight response when needed (yay for that!) and keeping my weight under control.

Apart from that, I've mainly tried to change my attititude towards these kind of symptoms: "They might feel dangerous but they are not."; "I've done everything I can to help change the severity of the symptoms, I accept that I cannot avoid them altogether and that they will go away again."

(For me, the nausea for example is usually a sign that it's been too long since I've last eaten and a quick snack like a banana can prevent it from turning into something nastier. It took some time to figure that one out, as you can imagine...  )

But everyone is different so you'll probably have to learn to be more accurate in understanding how your body and mind interact and what triggers what in your case... It's really quite a journey CPTSD is making us take, isn't it? 

Sorry it took so long to respond to your post but I got triggered by the scene at the dinner table - too close for comfort. Your f should never have treated you like that - there is no excuse for it. 

Anyway, I identified that I was having fear of being hit or struck last night and it really threw me for a loop.  Nobody hits me now - my partner is not like that.  Maybe this came up because I am doing more work on my triggers and am more aware of stuff I once ignored or let go.  I was truly terrified while trying to sleep. 

Whatever triggered this fear was probably something that triggered the child JDog, not the resilient adult version of you who lives in a safe environment - so it was maybe something very basic like a smell or a certain shade of light - something intuitive that is not obvious to adults. At least that's what I noticed in my own recovery: my IC reacts to different triggers than adult me and needs to be comforted differently, as well (right now, I'm trying to sing lullabies to IC since she often gets triggered just before falling asleep).

I feel guilty because others sound as if they had much more to contend with, but what I have and what I feel are my own and if I am just more sensitive than someone else I guess that is ok.

I am very glad that you are not invalidating your own fear and hurt. Acknowledging and validating that our feelings and (re)actions were justified under the circumstances is so very important on our way to self acceptance and self love.

I hope you're feeling better now and the fear and terror hasn't returned. Kudos to you!

Hello, Suzane,

nice to meet you on this forum! 

Your story resonates with me on many levels - especially the part where you say you minimized the level of abuse you've grown up with. That was my coping strategy, too, and I've bumped into it several times in my recovery process. It is very painful to admit, even to oneself.

I am glad you are in a safe place in your life now and have people who support you IRL.

I hope you will find additional support and validation here. Again, welcome. 

Hi, farfromthetree,

nice to meet you on this forum! 

I'm glad you've found us and you're very welcome here. 

Have you had the time yet to check out Pete Walkers website about CPTSD yet? http://www.pete-walker.com/

His book "CPTSD - From Surviving to Thriving" is a great resource, as well.

On this forum, you might want to start in the "CPTSD and Us" section, since that's where we discuss the various symptoms (like anxiety, desaster thinking etc) and ways/strategies that help us deal with them.