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Messages - keepfighting

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46
General Discussion / Re: Obstacles in therapy
« on: April 22, 2015, 07:44:13 AM »
Recovery is a process, not a straight upward line. Ups and downs are part of the process and it's up to the t to explain this to us and make sure our expectations of ourselves and our therapy are realistic. It's also up to the t to help us understand and regain our self confidence after a setback in our recovery process. Recovery is sometimes referred to as a spiral: You revisit the same points several times but since you're not the exact same person any more you were last time, you're often able to take on the more painful aspects of that trauma the second or third time around... Like you said: Directly after the trauma is often not the best time to deal with the more painful aspects of it.

About EMDR: I think it's possible that you started it too soon after the trauma. But again, I think the most important thing is for your t to manage your expectations. You can't 'fail' a form of therapy and it's certainly not your 'fault' for not trying hard enough or putting obstacles in your own recovery or something like that. EMDR works very well for some people, for others it does nothing. It's possible that you are one of the people for which it doesn't work and then it's a question of looking for some form of therapy that works better for you.


47
Friends / Re: Caring without enmeshment
« on: April 20, 2015, 05:16:54 PM »
The friends who help me the very most are the ones who love me, but don't get enmeshed in me. They show concern without taking it upon themselves, in other words.

Still grateful for folks who can care just the right amount but not too much.

They sound like wonderful friends. Those are the kind of people around which you can be yourself without having to be constantly worried about guarding your personal boundaries or worried about your words getting twisted around and used against you.... Those kind of friendships are the best.  :thumbup:

About Inner Child work: There's a sub-forum devoted to IC work in the CPTSD and Us section of OOTS. Lots of tips and information there.  :yes:

48
General Discussion / Re: How to renew strength
« on: April 20, 2015, 04:44:26 PM »
Or is it more about accepting what we have to deal with and learning how to deal with it?

That's my strategy most of the time: Learning better ways and strategies to deal with it. That's 'fighting' enough for me.  :bigwink:

One thing I've noticed as I continue in recovery is that though I cannot completely dodge the next EF or the next night of insomnia, the tools I have to deal with them are more effective now than they were two years ago. It takes practise before they become effective, I guess.

49
Introductory Post / Re: New, Lonely, struggling, need some support.
« on: April 20, 2015, 04:24:28 PM »
Hello and welcome to OOTS!  :wave:

It takes a lot of courage to post that first message and I am glad you did.  :hug:

This is a good place to find support and information and feel less alone.  :hug:

50
Introductory Post / Re: I froze and didn't want to feel the hurt
« on: April 20, 2015, 10:47:02 AM »
Hi, nmg,

no need to apologize - it's inevitable that we get triggered sometimes and have to deal with it in our own way.

Glad to have you back!  :hug:


51
The Cafe / Re: Today I feel...
« on: April 19, 2015, 02:54:22 PM »
bheart,  :hug:

I am so sorry you were so ill used and your trust betrayed. But please do not blame yourself - you deserve to find friends who are as good and true as you are yourself.

It is very hard to break the cycle of attracting the wrong kind of friends - the people who pretend to care, pretend to be your friend, but all the time use you for their own purposes. Truly: It's not you, it's them. All you can do is try and set better boundaries so you repulse those kind of people before they can use you. At least, that's the way I am trying to handle it (I seem to be some kind of a narc magnet and was terribly betrayed by my two female 'bffs').

Be nice to yourself - you are a good person and you deserve to have good and decent friends.  :hug:

52
Welcome, Vincent85, to OOTS. I'm glad you've found us.  :wave:

This is a very supportive and validating community and I hope you'll find there is a place in it for you. Life has been tough towards you in so many ways and I admire your courage in not only taking on your own struggles every day but also thinking of helping others.  :yourock:

When you have a moment, please read through our Guidelines for Members: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=12.0

I hope you'll soon feel less alone.  :hug:

53
I love how you are helping to shape the minds of a new generation.  :applause:

It sounds very moving how they show their respect and support. It's time to be done with all the prejudice and hate and exclusion.

So, I'm swallowing my pain and feel glad to make a small difference in some lives. 

 :yourock:

54
General Discussion / Re: how to get closer?
« on: April 15, 2015, 02:50:50 PM »
I think I share almost everything with my partner and I'm not interested in dragging my friends into my childhood traumas or therapy. I know I am guarded but I'm at a loss here.   

My two cents: Share whatever you feel comfortable with.

I've shared my childhood traumas with my T and my h and on OOTF/OOTS (even my kids know only rudimentary facts - I don't feel it fair on them to burden them with my problems; they know only in very general terms why I and therefore they are NC with my Narents). I've had female friends who coaxed me into sharing more than I felt comfortable with at the beginning of my recovery, when  felt very raw and uncertain of myself and looked for validation, and in both cases I've regretted giving into their coaxing (both turned out to be Ns). So please don't feel obligated to share what you're not comfortable with, even if that friend shares more than you do in return: Everyone has a different comfort zone and you have every right to stay within yours.

Another thought that comes to my mind: There are different ways to build a strong and lasting relationship. Sharing thoughts and feelings is one way, but another one is sharing experiences, hobbies, excursions, sports - whatever. There are good and strong relationships between people who spend a lot of quality time together but hardly ever discuss feelings. So if you have your partner/friend sharing in many of those, that's still 'sharing' and still works towards building a good relationship.

Now I work hard to keep my life on a steady keel without a lot of drama. My T says I do this on purpose due to my past. I don't gossip or have any big emotions to share. So basically I want to know: what do these people want from me?? I feel I am missing the intimacy boat here somewhere.

I cannot possibly comment on whether you have intimacy issues or not but I definitely understand why you try keep your life on a steady keel and avoid drama whereever possible. Same here. I thrive on a steady routine and little to no drama. It's something I never had as a child and I feel I need and deserve it now. It's not only because of my past - it's because it's best for me in my present time.

55
Kudos to you for having so many selfcare practises in place already - eating well, a routine in life and meditation are very powerful tools in recovery.

How do people cope with tiredness in the mind and body -

For me, what helped was the realization (through Pete Walker's book CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving) that that's the shape and form most of my EFs come in and that it's basically a freeze reaction.

What helps me is using a flight action to try and counter the freeze: I exercise, normally 2-3 times a week and maybe an extra time when I am in a bad EF. Maybe there's a flight action you can think of that might help you? - I know it often feels like the last thing I want to do - leave the house and exercise - but I also feel better able to handle myself (body and mind) after having exercised.

I do hope you'll feel a bit better soon.  :hug:


56
Checking Out / Re: short break
« on: April 12, 2015, 11:33:30 AM »
 :bighug:

Take good care of yourself - you deserve to feel safe and cared for and good about yourself (alas no icon for flowers, I'm sending you a cyber bunch of tulips, though, with my best wishes).

57
General Discussion / Re: Everything is a trigger (possible triggers)
« on: April 08, 2015, 01:21:15 PM »
I'm starting to really panic about work though. I'm ill- a neurological condition- and I can feel things getting better, like my leg, which is fantastic. But all I keep thinking is how I'm terrified of working. Then it goes on to how I'll end up with no money and on the streets! :sadno:

It'll all work out OK won't it? I'll want to work again, once I'm better? Won't I?

Don't worry about that now - on day at a time. Now is the time to be good to yourself, learn to identify and take care of your emotional and physical needs and to learn that you deserve to be as compassionate with yourself as you are with others. You're doing great!  :yes:

I'll be rooting for your t appointment tomorrow! A real lifeline!

58
There is a Dutch expression for it which translates into: "Staring the cat out of the tree". I'm sure it wasn't coined just for the three of us  :bigwink:.

It happens to me, too, and more often than I care to remember.

Sometimes, watching, listening, observing is all you're capable of because there is simply no energy to participate more. That doesn't mean that you didn't have a good time at the dinner party and judging by the way your lovely hostess reacted towards you, she didn't think anything of it. You don't have to be the heart and soul of a party to be considered a nice guest.

That was just your ICr trying to talk you down and make you feel small and insignificant and I'm glad you didn't believe it!  :hug:

59
Introductory Post / Re: New here
« on: April 08, 2015, 09:52:40 AM »
Hi, Bruised Reed,

nice to meet you on this forum!  :wave:

I'm always in two minds about meeting another SG because on the one hand I feel very sorry for you for all you had to go through and on the other hand I know that us SGs are the most likely to go looking for help and brake the cycle of abuse. So, in a twisted way, that makes us as SGs the 'lucky' ones, the strong ones and the most likely to get emotionally healthier.

Pete Walker's book is a gem but it's also quite disconcerting at times. I have to read it little by little otherwise it's just too overwhelming for me. Hopefully you'll find empathy and validation here and know that you're not alone.  :hug:

kf

60
Introductory Post / Re: Newbie - medical issues
« on: April 08, 2015, 09:38:21 AM »
Hi, outercalm,

nice to meet you on this forum!  :wave:

So sorry about your medical issues - must be horrible to have to have all those tests and live with the uncertainty for anyone and even more so for someone with your personal history. I hope they find whatever is wrong with you soon and that it'll give you some peace.  :hug:

I understand some of your issues around medical checkups and stuff though my background is a little different from yours: My Nm had a kind of 'Münchhausen by proxy' thing going so three of the four of us (not sure about GC PD sis  ???) were regularly dragged to different doctors for different tests that all turned out to be nothing but my Nm got a lot of attention for herself and being the 'caring' m out if it. As a result, even now as a grownup far away and NC from Nm, if I go to the doctors at all, I go for the 'wrong' symptoms, or anyway fail to describe the 'correct' ones (whenever I was actually sick as a child/teenager, my Nm told me that it was all between my ears, to 'just get over it and stop being such a wuss and complainer' etc so I learned to dismiss real symptoms as meaningless and made up ones as significant. I still struggle with identifying the 'correct' symptoms that need professional attention - if this makes any sense to you...).

It sounds very strong and positive, the way you're trying to deal with having to undergo all these nasty tests and I am glad you have a t to also help you get through it.

Best wishes to you!  :hug:

kf

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