Hi, Redd,
these sudden anger outburst are a 'normal' part of PTSD (I was treated for PTSD first and later diagnosed with CPTSD).
I used to have them quite regularly. The worst part for me was how ashamed of myself I felt afterwards - just wanted to sink myself in hole after each one. Like you describe, I also used to direct them at 'innocent' persons - people who really did nothing to deserve or provoke such a violent reaction from me (my anger outbursts manifested themselves in shouting or mean remarks and I HATED the person I became when I felt this sudden surge of anger).
What helped me control these was a combination of CBT and exercises that were specifically directed at reducing the suddenness (is that even a word?) and the intensity of the anger attacks. My t told me that I needed to direct that anger at the person(s) who caused it. As a child it was simply too dangerous for me to show any forms of anger and even as an adult no longer living a home there was no possibility to tell my Narents (chief people to cause my hurt and my anger) how I felt and why. So my t made me write letters to them - half an hour a day, no restraints in my choice of words, but I had to set a timer for exactly 30 minutes and stop midword if it went off. Next day, I could do the exercise again. I had to collect all these letters in an envelope and put them in a safe place in my home. For weeks, I wrote many of these letters - to my Narents, my PD sis and some of their enablers. After a while, the need to write them receded - I had said more or less everything I needed to get off my chest - and in the last letters I wrote I couldn't even get to the full 30 minutes any more.
I kept that envelope in my house for a while and at some point decided not to send them. No point and it didn't matter for my recovery process whether they read them or not. Some years later, while moving house, I threw the envelope away. I didn't need it any more.
My t explained to me that it was necessary to find a way to express my anger towards the right people - the ones that actually hurt me and caused this anger in the first place.
More than a decade later I can positively say that I have not had as many anger outbursts in 14 years than I used to have in a single year - and at the few occasions when I had a relapse into old behaviour, I looked for the real cause of the ourburst and wrote just one more letter....
The best part about it is that I no longer feel the shame about my own behaviour after an outburst. That shame was like acid on my soul.
Maybe something like that is going on in your life as well, Redd? Your anger must come from somewhere and is probably justified - maybe the solution might be to find a way to express your anger towards the people who caused you all the pain and the hurt behind your anger in the first place?
Please be very kind and very good and forgiving towards yourself and I hope you'll find a way that works for you that will make your anger attacks more manageable.
these sudden anger outburst are a 'normal' part of PTSD (I was treated for PTSD first and later diagnosed with CPTSD).
I used to have them quite regularly. The worst part for me was how ashamed of myself I felt afterwards - just wanted to sink myself in hole after each one. Like you describe, I also used to direct them at 'innocent' persons - people who really did nothing to deserve or provoke such a violent reaction from me (my anger outbursts manifested themselves in shouting or mean remarks and I HATED the person I became when I felt this sudden surge of anger).
What helped me control these was a combination of CBT and exercises that were specifically directed at reducing the suddenness (is that even a word?) and the intensity of the anger attacks. My t told me that I needed to direct that anger at the person(s) who caused it. As a child it was simply too dangerous for me to show any forms of anger and even as an adult no longer living a home there was no possibility to tell my Narents (chief people to cause my hurt and my anger) how I felt and why. So my t made me write letters to them - half an hour a day, no restraints in my choice of words, but I had to set a timer for exactly 30 minutes and stop midword if it went off. Next day, I could do the exercise again. I had to collect all these letters in an envelope and put them in a safe place in my home. For weeks, I wrote many of these letters - to my Narents, my PD sis and some of their enablers. After a while, the need to write them receded - I had said more or less everything I needed to get off my chest - and in the last letters I wrote I couldn't even get to the full 30 minutes any more.
I kept that envelope in my house for a while and at some point decided not to send them. No point and it didn't matter for my recovery process whether they read them or not. Some years later, while moving house, I threw the envelope away. I didn't need it any more.
My t explained to me that it was necessary to find a way to express my anger towards the right people - the ones that actually hurt me and caused this anger in the first place.
More than a decade later I can positively say that I have not had as many anger outbursts in 14 years than I used to have in a single year - and at the few occasions when I had a relapse into old behaviour, I looked for the real cause of the ourburst and wrote just one more letter....
The best part about it is that I no longer feel the shame about my own behaviour after an outburst. That shame was like acid on my soul.
Maybe something like that is going on in your life as well, Redd? Your anger must come from somewhere and is probably justified - maybe the solution might be to find a way to express your anger towards the people who caused you all the pain and the hurt behind your anger in the first place?
Please be very kind and very good and forgiving towards yourself and I hope you'll find a way that works for you that will make your anger attacks more manageable.
.
)