Messages

Well, I emailed the woman running the training and asked for where I send the registration cheque.  I ordered the books from Amazon.  I was at yoga at 6 this morning, and then went back for a meditation thing this after noon.  The instructor I talked to yesterday was running the meditation thing.  It's a big studio, and I didn't really think anyone even really recognized me, but I walked in and she said she checked out the training place and had clearly gone through the whole site.  She said it looked really good, and they looked to cover everything one would want for basic training stuff.  She said it looked better than most initial instructor training programs.

Gulp.  Well, I'm doing it.  I'm going to have to change my Kayaktrip somewhat this summer.  I was going to start in Yellowknife in Canada, and travel about 1100 miles.  I'm changing where I go somewhat and only going to have a 600 mile trip, far less in the actual tundra than I intended.  I'll save $700 bucks or so on the difference in transportation, plus what I save in therapy, it will basically be the equivalent of doing what I was doing anyhow, and getting the yoga training for a little over half price.

Gulp.  I'm doing it. 

I got invited to go to a poetry reading tomorrow where I can read my poetry.  The woman who runs it is a friend who manages some low grade community theatre group.  It sounds a lot more accepting and egalitarian than that poetry slam, but I'm uncertain if I can even hack that rejection if it goes poorly.

I've spent the last two weeks or so just assuming all my friends have abandoned me, but I guess I'm wrong.  My friend A. (whom I would totally love to date, but who is exactly the kind of woman who would eat me alive) stopped by yesterday.   She had her lunch here, as she is a postal carrier, and I'm on her route.  Had a good hour with her.  I really like her, but she is very domineering and could steamroll over me effortlessly.  She has been texting today which has me feeling pretty good. 

Meursault

I had kind of wanted to do this for a lot of years.  Fifteen years ago when I was living with a girlfriend, she and I did yoga every day, and she was planning on becoming a yoga instructor.  I kind of imagined doing that too.  And since my Dad died, and I couldn't farm any more, I have not really known what to do job wise, but I figured it would be good to just completely try something else.

Anyhow, just to keep at all level, I've been doing yoga everyday for the last week or so.  I have told myself that I'm going to have to do it every day, at least for a while, to take care of myself.   So, on FB a couple of days ago, what pops up?  A yoga teacher training program thing.  This trainer is coming to my city and is offering the basic certification for being a trainer.  It's 5 days a week for ten hours a day for a month.  It's not cheap, but really, I'm thinking this is a good thing to do.  At the very least, I will immerse myself in yoga for a solid month with no break from it, which can't hurt, and at the end, even if it's never used, I will have something out of it:  the accreditation.

I emailed and asked a few questions and they got back to me.  Previous students seem to have good reviews.  I asked the instructor at today's yoga class, and she said it sounded like a good program.  And then I messaged an old acquaintance who is a yoga instructor.  (I tried to date her about ten years ago, and am only FB friends).  She thinks it's a good idea, too.

So, I am almost positive I'm going to just say "here's hoping!" and jump in.  Feeling a bit uncertain about it, though.  The money.....  It's not terrible in cost, but it's enough.  I will also have to miss therapy for a month, which MAY be bad mentally.  It MAY be good, though, too, taking a break from her for a little, and what I'd save in not paying for therapy basically lowers the cost of the yoga training by 20%.

Who knows if I'd ever be able to get a job in it, but it occurred to me, I could do something like volunteer to have a free weekly yoga class at places like that mood disorders place I went to last week for that group.  Or maybe old folks homes or whatever.  Even if I couldn't get a job in it, maybe I could volunteer teaching instead.  And maybe that would eventually mutate into something more solid....

I don't know.  I think I'm going to do it, but I'm kind of afraid of failing.... Not failing the class, but basically wasting money and trying something that won't help at all, and will just illustrate I am no good.  I don't know.

Anyhow, I think I kind of need to say this out loud somewhere, so I'm doing it here!

Meursault

Thanks sanmagic...  amd like that, it all crashes down. I hate this  all.  So, my mom suddenly comes in to go get lunch, and then my therapist calls and cancels our session for tomorrow.  I am now in a tizzy again.  The mom thing is always destructive, but after my therapist old me about wanting to enlist another therapist and how most people with my level of trauma are heavily medicated, then cancelling ...she's only ever cancelled once before...  I just feel like this is the death knell of my most important relationship and the only person I really trust enough to "show me" to.

I'll calm down, but I went from reasonably relaxed to shaking like a leaf.  My thinking is incoherent.  It's a terrible time to cancel right after what was essentially a relationship rupture with her.  Damned.  I can logically see it doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I've gone through my life willing to suspend that worry almost every time and it always turns out badly.

Anyhow, ill calm down.  I feel so oooooo defeated though.
Meursault

This post trial insanity has abated for a bit, I think.  It really kicked off after stopping that attack, I think.  Just occurred to me this morning, I wonder if the fact iI was having to deal with cops sort of sent my mind a bit out of control.  Then I've been kind of worried about how crazy did I appear, when the guy very hastily and in fear threw his knife down at my feet when I stepped toward him?  Then I had that date, which was probably the happiest night I've had since I was up north in the wilderness last year.  I never remember dreams.  I can literally go a decade without remembering any.  Yet after that date with that woman, I remembered my dreams every night until she then rejected me.  Then I mentally fractured and lashed out on the forum here, and I still feel pretty bad about that.   And I crossed a boundary with my therapist by emailing her outside of our agreed upon time, and although I let her know I realize it was a mistake, I'm worried she secretly hates me now.

But then things keep plugging along, I guess.  I feel really good about that drop-in group I went to on Monday.  And I've been going to yoga every day. 

Then yesterday, I went to the acupuncture thing I do.  There were about ten people there, when normally there are six at most.  I had an INTENSE time.  I was watching myself experiencing all the sort of core terror and pain whipping around wildly in me.  It was like a waking dream, and I came back to normal awareness a few times to discover I was shaking badly, and at one point both legs were completely cramped up from my feet all the way to the tops of my thighs.  because I was flexing the muscles so much.  Then, in the floating rolling dream where I was skimming along all that fear and stuff, I had this vivid image of an attractive woman pop in my head, and I spent the rest of the acupuncture session exploring the trauma based self-annihilation and terror and the attractive/arousal sensations, and how they are so similar, and how quickly the attraction flips into the fear.  I felt like I was understanding how my body and mind react with this stuff.  I think what I was doing was "titration", but I'm not sure.

At the end the woman came up to me and asked if I was okay.  She looked pretty concerned.  I said "That was intense."  She said "Good intense or bad intense?"  I said "Hard intense."  Then I noticed that a woman there was crying.  And then this young guy was holding his head and rocking.  And then the woman running it came to this 50 year old native guy to take out the needles, and he was crying, too.  The woman said "Wow, there's a lot of chi in the room today." 

I got home and did a bunch of work on my house for the rest of the day.  Finished all the tiling, did some flooring, got my kitchen sink in and working.

I'm not sure what happened there.  It was brutal, but it seemed important.  I don't know, I feel like my system has finally been "soothed" from this terrible flashback state.  Still not feeling great, but like I have been de-activated enough to experience things like it isn't a war zone.  I'm pretty weirded out by that.

I hope this slow return, yo-yoing back and forth until I find some new normal, just passed the most extreme part, because I'm bound to cause a lot of damage in my life if it gets more extreme than the last few of weeks.  I knew the post-trial times would be unstable, but I really didn't predict this at all.

Meursault

Yeah,  I had lots of years like that.  When I found my current therapist, I said "I'm either going to deal with this or die trying."  It's been close to two years since I first saw her, and I haven't had any remission since.  It's been hard, but she reassures me that as long as I can remain stable (I haven't done very well on that front), this is the hard work that needs to be done.  As she said:  "Real therapy like this is brutally hard work, which is why most people avoid doing it." 

Meursault

My therapist updated me via email today that she has set up a time to consult with a colleague about me.  Some guy she used to work with.  I guess his approach is narrative therapy, which has always seemed positive to me.  Anyhow, I am not really comfortable with a male therapist.  I'm not really sure why.  I find it impossible to believe them, and feel like they are just laughing at me because women would love them but not me.  I'm half a mind to tell her don't bother, but I will buckle down and give it an honest try if that's the way it goes.  The guy will have to have a very gentle, non-judgemental, and validating manner to him for it to have a chance.

I went to a "mood disorders" drop in group thing they have in my city today.  I went once last summer, and it was terrible then.  The people were all completely sold on BEING their diagnosis, and had all given up on anything in life.  I don't want that and didn't think it would be good, so I didn't go back.   Felt the need to connect today, so I went, and it was pretty good.  The woman running it was just a volunteer with some minimal training and a history of depression and anxiety.  There were two other women, and a guy.  We had a great time talking for two hours.  It was minimally structured.  Everyone was supportive and helpful, but no one really "Gave advice", either.  Some observations, and suggestions of what we did etc.

One woman, in her mid thirties, was talking about a death that happened when she was 12, and she was crying and saying it was her fault (it totally wasn't) and how she has been bothered by that daily since.  The woman running it sort of said how she should look for what may help her "let go", and the woman was resistant.  I mentioned how I really get a lot from inner child stuff, and what might work for me in that would be not so much to forgive myself, or give myself permission to get over it, but to at least allow the little boy (or little girl, in her case) to let go of it, because she was a little girl, and couldn't possibly be expected to carry that.  The woman started crying and I felt terrible for a second, until she said she had never thought of that, and it resonated with her, and that's finally something that makes some sense about it all for her. 

I liked all the people, and felt comfortable there.  I'm so used to talking about this stuff with professionals, so I feel like I'm just broken and not a man in comparison, or places like here, where I sort of assume everyone has their things together better than I do, and understands what's going on better than me.  I felt EQUAL to people today.  And I think they all got something out of what I was saying, especially that woman.

I also realized that I have been a lot less passive in my treatment than a lot of people are.  Most of them, except the woman running it, only had a psychiatrist who saw them a couple of times a year, and didn't really even understand that there were any other options.   I was pretty glad to be able to pass on some information that seemed promising.  I mentioned the free acupuncture I go to, and I sort of knew what she wanted to know when one woman was asking.  I knew she wanted to know HOW to access it.  just being told where and when and that it's drop in and you can just show up doesn't really tell people with bad anxiety how to do it, I think.  I know it wouldn't for me.  So I sort of explained my first time...  walked into building, asked where acupuncture was at desk, went there, sign said to wait outside, when door opened, just followed others in, said I've never been before etc, and what sorts of reactions I was getting from staff along the way.  The woman seemed pretty eager to try it. 

I also used to "Foster parent" cats with new born kittens from the humane society.  I'd get a cat with a couple of day old litter of kittens.  Keep them two months or whatever until they were large enough to be adopted, and then get a new litter.  I did that for quite a while.  I was able to explain the process of going about tthat, and what other volunteer things they had to work with animals.  The guy seemed especially interested, and asked a lot of questions.

Anyhow.  I feel pretty good about today.  I felt like I was equal, and was pretty helpful, too.  That felt awesome.  I think I need to volunteer some place.  I haven't done anything like that since my Dad died.

Anyhow, we all talked about the different artistic things we did, and the younger woman asked me to bring in my poetry and read some and said if I had the guts to, she would read hers too.

Meursault

I felt pretty cheated by the mental health system for those things.  I gave up trying to get help for 15 years since all they offered was CBT and medication.  Had to track down private therapy to find anything good.

I can relate to staying due to the influence of your Dad.  In my case, I tried to look after my Dad since he didn't seem to understand my Mom, and I worried what would happen if I left. 

A little late to see this thread, but welcome!

Meursault

Aromatherapy oils work somewhat for me for grounding.  So does putting one hand on my forehead, and one on the back of my head and pressing.

A friend of mine, who is the wife of a guy who was my roommate 22 years ago, messaged me a few weeks ago that she knew I'd be going through some hard times, and there are people who cared.  And that I should rely on them if I need.  I just texted her asking her if she wanted to get a coffee today.  She said absolutely, so I'm off to meet her. 

I kinda feel like crying.  My therapist told me this week that she has never had a client work as hard as I do to deal with all this stuff, but I'm feeling like a bit of a failure, like I've maybe had all these people who care, and I haven't been trying hard enough to deserve it.  Same with all the people here.

Anyways, just wanted to say that it hit me how much I appreciate all the support I've gotten from all of you here.

What song popped into my head?
Joey by Concrete Blonde

I'm going to go listen to it before I go meet her....

Meursault

I have psoriasis.  It gets worse in the winter or with stress.  Light therapy works absolute wonders for it in my case.  You stand in essentially a tanning booth, for about a minute, once or twice a week.  Mine clears up after about three weeks.  It surprised me how well it worked, after trying creams and whatnot unsuccessfully for twenty years. 

I don't bother going in there any more, and now keep it under control.  I bought an aquarium lamp, and a bulb of the correct wavelength as they use in the booth (Narrowband UV-B).  It isn't as effective as the booth, but it keeps it cleared up fairly well. 

It all depends on the type of psoriasis, though.  I have guttate and some plaque.

Meursault

It's slow going, but that's the perspective my therapist works from, and it is the only thing I've ever found helpful.  We jump around with the details, though.  IFS, normal talk, inner child, mindfulness, art, bits of CBT, whatever.  She moves around as I work through things, but it's always attachment therapy.  I occasionally feel guilty thinking I'm sabotaging our work when we set one tool down, but she says that it's COMPLEX trauma, so the solution will be complex as well.

She doesn't do EMDR herself, but hooked me up with an EMDR therapist as a supplemental tool.  That didn't work out, but right now, she is looking for other things as well.

Good it's working with a male therapist for you.  I asked to change therapists after two sessions with my current (really good) therapist, because she is stunningly good looking, but decided to give it  more of a chance.  When I finally trusted her enough to tell her about how women affect me, she was very good about delving into and letting me explore my feelings for her.   I'm still regularly terrified of her, and sometimes sexually attracted, but she uses them to further things.  Being able to explore a lot of this stuff with her is what is necessary for me, I think.   And I think being honest with her is the only thing that made it even possible.   Her one "rule" when I told her about being attracted to her was that I needed to tell her when I felt that, or it would be damaging to the work we do.   I really think that honesty is key (for me, at least).

If you can make it work (and flex your trust muscles enough!), maybe it will be just what you need.  Not for everything maybe, but for the issues related to that dynamic.  I've told my therapist eventually I will move on from her because I think I'll need something I can only get from a male therapist.

Maybe you'll find a male therapist is the best possible thing at the moment.  I know I am still happy, and surprised at myself, that I took the chance with my very good looking therapist.

I wonder if he closes his eyes because he needs to do that to put himself in your shoes more fully?

Meursault

Note to self:  do yoga every day.

Right now is the first time I'm not shaking in a week.  And I don't feel like there is this hundred pound core of lava stretching from my groin to my throat turning rapidly in on itself.  Yoga was packed.  It's hot yoga too, so it was extra hot.  There were 50 people, and I'd say 4 guys.  I think it actually does me a lot of good beyond the normal value of yoga.  I get to practice breathing and connecting with my body around a bunch of ridiculously good looking women in tight clothes.  Plus, sort of exposure and proof of being "safe" around attractive women.

Anyhow...

Meursault

I was just reading through some of this thread and I just noticed something....  Wife #2, in Reply #35, you mentioned how you revealed early why you are stand-offish.   

I don't know, it seems like people are pretty uncharitable if they can't accept that.  I have met plenty of women who are stand-offish, and I assume they have a good reason.  Maybe some terrible experiences with men, or related trauma, or the like.  I don't take it personally, unless it is also hostile.  Mixed messages are another thing entirely, though.  I kind of assumed that everybody did that.  Maybe that's not true.  And maybe it's even less true that women are forgiving of that in men, since culturally, there is a lot more awareness of the realities of mistreatment of women.  Maybe those of us who have really faced a bunch of trauma that tend to accept that possibility in others more.  Hmm..  I don't know, just thinking.  Don't even know what I mean there, actually....

My yoga studio was closed for a week to re-do the floors, and opened a couple of days ago.  I am going to try to go in a while.  It was day three without yoga that I fell to pieces over that woman, I think.  Maybe that has exacerbated things with me.

Meursault

Anyhow, I wrote a bunch last night and that kept me in all right shape.  Some swearing, some sexuality, and some suicide/self-harm talk in it, but if anyone is interested:

http://wps999.blogspot.ca/2017/03/and-we-got-to-get-ourselves-back-to.html

It's about when I lost my virginity, but isn't overly graphic, I don't think, nor is it negative, for the most part.  I'm actually super happy with the QUALITY of the last couple of things I've written.

Meursault