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Okay, looked around on the site a little more, giving this journal thing a try.

There are good days and bad days.  Today is a more challenging day.  I was tasked with something that in retrospect I handled like I normally do in an EF, so that wasn't helpful.  I felt pretty resistant to the task (did it anyway), probably dissociating a bit through the whole thing.  I was angry and frustrated, feeling inadequate at this task that I didn't have experience with.  I did ask some people who I knew knew more than me for help, but (it felt like) they brushed me off, like they were just like explaining this to someone who had more knowledge than me, so that fed into some... thought processes.  So, I guess I felt pretty abandoned when I was reaching out for help on something I didn't know.  Then I didn't get the help I wanted, which kinda made me push towards the more independent, "let's figure this out myself" sort of response.  Others did say to ask them for help if I needed it, but I felt resistant to that.  I'm confused about the whole thing and I'm not sure what to do.  Like, I really want to believe that I can have help and ask for it, but on the other hand I'm stuck in the not asking and just "toughing it out" phase.  I don't know what to do about that.

I saw a few therapists, but none of them really helped/understood what I'm going through.  In fact, their treatment approaches actually made my symptoms worse.  So, I'm kind of just going at it alone for right now.  I feel pretty..... insecure? about finding another one right now.  I had an intense flashback during the last session with my last therapist and instead of helping me through the process of processing my emotions and helping with that particular arrested development, she immediately hopped on the antidepressants and intensive care train.  That made me feel even more isolated and scared and distrusting going forward.  It was reminiscent of the 0-60 reactions from my M.  I'm good.

One day at a time.

The more I peer into the trauma I suffered, the more I wonder if I had a combo situation.  It's difficult for me to delineate what was neglect and what was abuse, so maybe someone could help define that with me.

I remember times, usually during events or celebrations, where I would (and am now realizing) get caught in EFs.  Something minor would happen, and then I would retreat to my room to be alone.  My M would then "check in" on me, see I was crying, and verbally berate me for being sad.  It would always be similar messages, like how dare I be sad when people were around and this should be a fun occasion and I wasn't allowed to be sad.

When there was no one around, no "public" face to put on and I would be upset, M would pretty much ignore me.  I remember I was very, very emotionally pained (about what I don't remember), crying deeply in my room, and screamed.  I knew she could hear me, but she didn't come.  I had a similar situation later with my F around and was instantly next to me, trying to understand what was happening and calming me down.

I learned very quickly to never show my negative emotions, especially to my M, but I also have this weird thing where I make it very plain how I'm feeling with my body language and the way I interact with people I'm more comfortable with.  It's like I'm sending out very subtle cries for help to anyone perceptive enough to understand.  I am also becoming more aware that these kinds of signallings aren't the healthiest when it comes to relationships, but I'm working on it.

Hello everyone, been kinda lurking and looking at what this community is about.  I feel comfortable enough to say hello and hoping to connect and share experiences with others.