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Messages - gravity

#31
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: A long journey
September 21, 2020, 07:08:57 PM
Hello and welcome, Pioneer.
#32
Hello Kinfisher, and welcome to the community. :heythere:

I completely understand what you mean about Pete Walker's book.  It was the same for me, to finally have concrete words to everything I was feeling but couldn't express.  Everything I read so far is me and my experience.  It's incredible.  I'm glad you found that book and this community.
#33
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi there
September 13, 2020, 10:06:08 PM
Hello, and welcome. :heythere:
#34
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Neglect and Abuse?
September 13, 2020, 09:55:51 PM
Thank you both.  It certainly helps to see others had similar experiences and I'm not alone.

Quote from: Eidolon on September 12, 2020, 08:37:35 PM
The thing to remember is that neglect is a form of abuse. It might feel different, but the result is often the same.

This is a good point I didn't understand before.  Thanks for pointing it out.  I guess I can view the neglect as a "passive" abuse and the shaming as "active" abuse, as woodsgnome also pointed out.

Quote from: woodsgnome on September 12, 2020, 09:10:32 PM
All I can say, but in addition to words there's this  :hug: -- I hope it's okay, just so you know you're supported and not alone in this.

Thank you.  I appreciate the support so far and I hope to reach a point where I can do the same.  Small steps  :)
#35
Neglect/Abandonment / Neglect and Abuse?
September 11, 2020, 09:41:10 PM
The more I peer into the trauma I suffered, the more I wonder if I had a combo situation.  It's difficult for me to delineate what was neglect and what was abuse, so maybe someone could help define that with me.

I remember times, usually during events or celebrations, where I would (and am now realizing) get caught in EFs.  Something minor would happen, and then I would retreat to my room to be alone.  My M would then "check in" on me, see I was crying, and verbally berate me for being sad.  It would always be similar messages, like how dare I be sad when people were around and this should be a fun occasion and I wasn't allowed to be sad.

When there was no one around, no "public" face to put on and I would be upset, M would pretty much ignore me.  I remember I was very, very emotionally pained (about what I don't remember), crying deeply in my room, and screamed.  I knew she could hear me, but she didn't come.  I had a similar situation later with my F around and was instantly next to me, trying to understand what was happening and calming me down.

I learned very quickly to never show my negative emotions, especially to my M, but I also have this weird thing where I make it very plain how I'm feeling with my body language and the way I interact with people I'm more comfortable with.  It's like I'm sending out very subtle cries for help to anyone perceptive enough to understand.  I am also becoming more aware that these kinds of signallings aren't the healthiest when it comes to relationships, but I'm working on it.
#36
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: On Purpose? *Trigger Warning*
September 11, 2020, 09:18:38 PM
I'm so sorry you went through that.  That is horrible.  You did nothing wrong.
#37
I'm sorry you felt and feel forced to take extreme action to get the attention you deserve and are deprived of.  That's a very tough situation to be in and very desolate.  I understand.  Thank you for telling your story and how impacted you are from your experiences.  That really, really sucks.
#38
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi
September 06, 2020, 04:42:29 PM
Thank you everyone.  I appreciate the welcome.
#39
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi
September 05, 2020, 01:06:53 AM
Thank you both.  I appreciate it.
#40
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hi
September 04, 2020, 09:19:24 PM
Hello everyone, been kinda lurking and looking at what this community is about.  I feel comfortable enough to say hello and hoping to connect and share experiences with others.