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Messages - Eidolon

#106
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Neglect and Abuse?
September 12, 2020, 08:37:35 PM
The thing to remember is that neglect is a form of abuse. It might feel different, but the result is often the same. I'm very sorry you had to experience that as a child, Gravity.

Gesturing was a problem for me, too. Something that helped me was labeling the feelings. Being able to say, "today I am feeling sad" or "today I feel anxious" gradually led to less movement. It isn't an instant fix but it might help you. I'm also very glad you're working on it! :)
#107
Music / "Oak Tree" Songs/Empowering Music
September 10, 2020, 05:06:56 PM
Some music makes me feel strong like a big oak tree. Do you have any songs that make you feel the same?

Mine at the moment is probably 100 Years by Florence and the Machine! I really like these lyrics:

"My heart bends and breaks so many, many times
And is born again with each sunrise."

https://youtu.be/E6GX0Zf4FMI

#108
Inner Child Work / Apologies and Promises to Tiny Me
September 10, 2020, 04:47:19 PM
This is the first letter I've written to my Child part. Sometimes I leave notes or I'll think things throughout the day, but I never really wrote her a letter. I'd like to change that today.
**Trigger Warning?**

Hi, Tiny.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry you had to see me yell when I was triggered, and that it scared you. I'm sorry I was so angry and it felt like I was rejecting you. I'm sorry I reinforced what M taught us. I promise I will never do it again.

You're never going to have to be afraid like that ever again. I will listen when you are feeling scared instead of denying it, and I will let you be soft instead of forcing you to be strong. You are loved, Tiny. You are allowed to take up space and enjoy things. I promise I will never let anyone hurt you for enjoying things; I promise I will always be here.

You can say you don't like baked beans. Nobody is going to make you eat them anymore. There are no more dog beds. There are no more dog treats. No more lice, no more hurt. HB can't hurt you anymore. Nobody will do it again. Starting today, I will be my own mother. I will nourish the gentleness I was denied, and I will do it for you, Tiny. There is a world full of wonder for you. There always has been, and I am sorry I didn't see it until now. Let's explore it together.
#109
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: On Purpose? *Trigger Warning*
September 10, 2020, 02:47:55 PM
That's what happened. I think my problem is coming to terms with it. If it was planned, why? What did I do? I know I was the scapegoat and that's oddly comforting. A scapegoat doesn't need to do anything wrong for them to be punished. Which means I didn't do anything wrong, and that she was simply abusing me. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. There is still a part of me that wants to believe she intended to do good things for me, and just "got lost along the way." But that isn't true. There really was no excusing it. And there still isn't. She would tell me the government was "coming to kill our family" and that I had to practice with a bow and arrow so we wouldn't starve to death when the end of the world came.

I appreciate you caring! :) It feels good to get it off my chest.
#110
Successes, Progress? / Re: Progress in healing from CSA
September 10, 2020, 02:26:04 PM
Awesome, Blueberry! I'm proud of you! :D Posting a lot isn't a bad thing. I think it means you take your health seriously, and that's good. I'm really excited to hear you've made progress!
#111
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Eager to Heal
September 09, 2020, 09:28:01 PM
Thank you for the welcome <3 I'm really excited!
#112
Neglect/Abandonment / On Purpose? *Trigger Warning*
September 09, 2020, 05:12:38 PM
I'm curious if anyone else feels like their abuse was planned ahead of time.

For example, my mother started out verbally abusing me and let other people do most of the dirty work. She would insult me a LOT. Slowly, there was less food in the house for me to eat- I ate dog treats instead. Then it was sleeping in a dog bed. She would say I had fleas, even though I could see the lice dropping onto my school assignments. It felt linear, like there was a goal in mind with the neglect. I hope I'm making sense.
#113
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Eager to Heal
September 09, 2020, 04:52:25 PM
Hi! I'm Eidolon!

I'm 20 and I'm a little new to recovery. I was in EMDR therapy for 8 months and stopped going right before Covid shut everything down. I'm a reclusive person but it isn't by choice. Mostly, I'm scared that I'll hurt other people or chase them away. I dissociate often and I don't know what I like or dislike. I am angry or ashamed when I'm not feeling empty. Other times I am depressed. It's overwhelming. There is more to life than this. I know there is. I want to experience it for myself. It feels selfish of me to say that, but it's true.

Also, you have a very nice forum!   :)