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Thank you to Armadillo and Blueberry for being supportive- I had no idea how to deal with them for the longest time and wondered if I was going crazy. When I was in the hospital I felt *tw?*someone (or something) hitting my back extremely hard, like it was enough to break. I don't think it actually did but it felt like it would've, and there was soreness for days after. I do remember on one occasion  being thrown into a bed-frame and hitting my spine but that was when I was really young. *tw end*. Psychological trauma causes aches and pains for days and I don't understand why. It can't always be that way, but some days it really makes me wonder.

Managed to stay positive today with almost no flashbacks! Going to try meditating more. I'll be meeting with my therapist on Friday, so I'm hoping for good progress- although when I go in to talk, it feels like my mind goes blank. Maybe I don't feel entirely safe here yet? Unsure, I have difficulty telling people things when I have to make eye contact.

Hi Eidolon,

Flashbacks and hallucinations are really difficult, I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

I don't want to compare or anything, but I want to let you know you're certainly not alone. I experienced hallucinations too, which really scared me. For a while I thought I was dealing with some sort of schizophrenia or similar type of disorder... maybe I was, I don't really know. They did lessen and eventually go away though, as I continued along my healing journey. I hope they go away for you too when you get everything worked out.

Sending you strength while you continue to work those things out for now. You're doing great, keep up the good work!

I agree....I had visual, auditory, and smell hallucinations as i processed some stuff too fast.

Thank you both for helping me through this- I'm unused to dealing with hallucinations and I think it was because I was processing too much stuff too fast. I think doctors took it as me being abused at home when it was more, opening up old trauma wounds. I'm hoping I can explain it to doctors. I've been picking off fleas by myself through music and meditation, with not much help from my therapist at the facility. I didn't have any therapy last week and I'm supposed to have it twice a week so something feels off. I found some music I liked a lot and might process some parts to it later- I wrote a poem earlier but don't really want to share it. Feeling a little bit burnt out is all, I think. I dealt with some smell hallucinations a few days ago and managed to make it through alright.

I also figured out some of my dissociation is anxiety and depression based, so I'm feeling a bit more than I used to. Bless.

Appreciation:
Today I realized the importance of being gentle with myself. (Not rushing through trauma.)

Emotion:
Was dissociated for a lot of today because of flashbacks, but I'm taking it one step at a time.

Accomplishment:
I drew today! Hoping to save up money for a laptop so I can do digital art again.

I'm not hallucinating orbs or anything like that, I'm more hearing *TW* my dead mother's voice telling me she wished I was dead/didn't want me/that I'm going to * when a lot of stuff just.. wasn't my fault. I described it as a ghost when I was in a psychiatric hospital because I didn't know what else to do. They labeled it as schizophrenia but it comes and goes, so I'm thinking it's more likely physical flashbacks. What do you think?

That definitely sounds much more like the nature of PTSD. It sounds like auditory flashbacks. Flashbacks can be on any of the senses (visual, auditory, and tactile being the most common ones) and also emotional and physical. Trauma can put our bodies and minds under so much stress that they jumble the past into the present so convincingly we are almost fooled.

They probably labeled it schizophrenia thinking you believed it was a ghost talking to you, and that you believed said ghost was real. Telling them that was not the case might help them understand better..? I haven't read the entire thread so I'm not completely up to date, but do let me know if you want me to collect a couple sources on the differential diagnostics.

That's what I think happened, I've had other flashbacks recently so I know it's not ghosts- just physical flashbacks, and sometimes auditory. Some of it seems to be like the inner critic and other times, not so much. I appreciate you helping me with this; I thought I was going bonkers. I'm hoping to talk to my therapist soon about it, because there were other things going on around the same time and I don't want to be misunderstood while I'm here. Dealt with emotional flashbacks recently of an abusive relationship and it feels like memory flooding. Everything feels like it all happened so fast and I didn't have any time to process it. Therapist is reading the book I lent her on C-PTSD, so I'm hoping that may give her an idea of what I'm dealing with.

Please be gentle with yourself Tyr- the anger you're feeling may be misdirected. You were a child and didn't deserve any of the things they did to you, and you certainly didn't have any "duty" to do those things. I relate a bit more than I'd like to admit, wishing you softer days ahead.

I'm so sorry you dissociated Monday- but am very proud you managed to get out of it! I hope the beach is fun for you! Dissociation is the worst.

I've got comorbid schizophrenia and C-PTSD, and have spent a lot of time in acute wards. Ask me anything.

The similarities between schizophrenia and C-PTSD are enough that they spent 5 years (!!!) arguing whether my symptoms were due to trauma or due to psychosis. They concluded both in the end.

Personally, I feel like the psychosis is less tangible than the trauma symptoms. While my schizophrenia might tell me the trees have killed me, my C-PTSD will instead tell me that man walking towards me at the store will assault me. I've understood from clinicians that the line is often put there, right at the point of where something becomes bizarre (in this context "bizarre" means "would not at all be possible", like trees killing a human).

If your trauma was a car accident and you hallucinate the noise of a car horns, that's probably PTSD. But if you hallucinate floating orbs in the sky that's more likely a psychotic disorder such as schizophrenia.

Keep in mind I am simply a layman with personal experience who likes to read up on stuff. You can google "dissociation and psychosis differential diagnosis" for a lot of interesting articles. Modern psychology usually places dissociation and psychosis on the same spectrum rather than as two wildly separate things.

Best of luck, and hang in there

I'm not hallucinating orbs or anything like that, I'm more hearing *TW* my dead mother's voice telling me she wished I was dead/didn't want me/that I'm going to * when a lot of stuff just.. wasn't my fault. I described it as a ghost when I was in a psychiatric hospital because I didn't know what else to do. They labeled it as schizophrenia but it comes and goes, so I'm thinking it's more likely physical flashbacks. What do you think?

I wish you had nothing to cry about, but since you do have stuff to cry about...good job getting it out. I agree. Go wherever you can go to be able to make rose tea. 

I've been able to successfully cry a lot more about my current situation and past situations- like accepting that I was abused to begin with instead of dissociating away from reminders all the time. There's this sense of relief after grieving for my past selves, and sometimes different internal voices. All depends on flashbacks. Thank you both for being so kind.

Appreciation:
I'm more empathetic than I was before.

Emotion:
Tentative grieving.

Accomplishment:
I had a moment with my inner child today.

I hope you are able to find the best place for yourself to focus on your recovery, E. I guess in your therapist's shoes I might be a little bit worried, too. But I trust you. Just keep in mind what you need, not what anyone else needs.

Disability is a good plan for now and once you're more healed you'll be able to handle stress safely. You've got this. You are definitely worth getting healed.

I'm hoping to move some place where I can make rose tea- something I've been craving recently after chewing on rose petals. Maybe with a bit of milk. They don't let us do that here, everything is made by staff. I don't really want to complain about that (I'm fortunate to be in a place where people are making food and coffee), but I'd certainly like to make things for myself.

Hoping for good dreams for everyone. Thank you for always being supportive, Armadillo. Lots of crying today and I feel like there will be more tonight after meditation. That's when I cry the most.

https://youtu.be/8rIjsa85UVk <- a song recommendation. Recovery is slow and unsteady at first, then there are big leaps and jumps. Working towards forgiving myself and others right now.

Do you trust yourself Eidolon?

Has your dad caused harm to you or is he a place of safety? Or is it a mix?

I trust you to listen to the body, listen the mind, listen to the therapist and make the best decision for you.  No one should take away that power or make you feel like a helpless pawn again.

I trust myself and I trust my dad. There was one incident between myself and my dad because we were both going through suicidal ideation; I don't think it would happen again. I also managed to cry today over neglect from when I was a child (on my mother's side), so there's compassion building for the inner child. C-PTSD memes have been helping some. I'm hoping to get on disability at some point soon because I know I'm sensitive to other people's reactions and would probably break down from stress. Mixture of a place of safety; he's learning at about the same rate I am what kind of therapies would be helpful, how to grieve, and things like that. We're not talking at the moment (I can email him but he can't email back.)

Grieved today over neglect- a lack of food- when I was around 10 or so. There's tension in my knees and temples today. Writing things out helps some, too. Hoping to speak to my therapist about my co-lead soon (a presentation on symptoms. I think I can do that.) Haven't had trauma-focused therapy and I'm in a bit of an emotional flashback at the moment, but I'm making it through fairly well.

Depression melange today around the EAC. It feels a little bit like the custody battle when I was a kid, so I'm struggling to figure out how to deal with it. I've never been away from my dad for so long and with my therapist trying to push me away from him/be more independent, I'm struggling some. The thing I'd like most in the world is to go home right now, but that's not what they're recommending. Supposed to go to a group home instead- don't want to do that. Some light dissociation and somatic symptoms. Here's to hoping things go quickly.

Appreciation
I. I managed to make my way out of an emotional flashback by watching a movie.
2. Emotion
Pride/lingering sadness
3. Accomplishment
I cried in front of people for the first time in a long time. Usually I never can.

Thank you, Oz, you helped me realize I was feeling fear today instead of complete numbness. Baby steps!

Bermuda, that's awful of them to do. Your goal isn't silly- if it builds confidence, I think you should do it. :hugs: Cheers to you! You can do it!

Appreciation: Resiliency (reusing this one)
Emotion: I felt some anger today which moved to a type of sadness, then pride that I felt anything at all.
Accomplishment: I managed to drink water today.