Messages

Hi marta,
Thank you for reacting ánd the, very welcome!, hugs of support.
In a way I can welcome this pain and let it be there, without frantically wanting to get rid of it. I can observe it, I can sense the profound grief that lies ríght beneath the surface of it.
As I wrote, the defenses against it have dropped away. Defenses like: acting out (or acting 'in', for that matter...), blaming 'the world', blaming others inappropriately, blaming myself (most of all...), endless worrying, rationalizing, minimizing, taking refuge in  knowledge per se, in intellectualization etc.
That is all quite recent, new and literally unknown to me and yet, there is some strangely deeply felt trust in it.
Sending you hugs of support in return, if that's okay,

Kingfisher

As I wrote on this thread earlier: 'there is the full acknowledgement of the horrendous 'upbringing' I was subjected to, for decades on end'.
And I just feel this deep PAIN constantly; it's hard to find any other word for it.
Pain. Raw, nameless.
And I notice my lifelong defenses against it won't do anymore, somehow they can't be put back to work. Even worrying has departed, it seems 🙂

Which leaves me with this pain, it feels like BEING pain. I feel completely vulnerable, yet paralyzed under it. A paralysis which comes in facing this mountain of consequences, outcomes, results following multiple and crushing trauma so early in life, and onward.

Can anyone relate to this? Relate to this state of finding 'all avenues of escape closed off' and being at a loss as to what to do next?

Thank you for welcoming me, Three Roses!
So sorry to hear about your father's condition and the effects of it on the child you were.
Did your father/parents ever change, in the course of their lives?
I am asking that because mine did NOT. Not one little bit and I still find that completely incredible; just the same abusive behaviour (contempt, disgust, smearcampaigns, harshness, divide-and-rule, complete lack of empathy, self-obsessedness etc. etc.) they kept up all their long lives.
The father died three years ago. And it was a shock for me to actually feel nothing over it! No anger, no sadness, no glee. (I had already gone NC quite some time before his death.)
Imagine radio, TV, newspapers, the internet immediately overflowing  with articles, obituaries, re-runs of programs... this adored, revered TV-presenter was dead.
Talk about 'mind boggling'...

Hi (High 🙂) Hope,
Thank you so much for your warm reply! And yes, that supportive hug is very welcome, thank you.
A journey of recovery..., it ís and it proves to be long and arduous, as for all of us here. From what I have gathered from your (recent) posts,  it is clear that you've come a long way, Hope, in dealing with and healing from the terrible damage that was done to you, from such a young age onward. (And I feel só sorry for that.)
This forum is a wonderful place to express, to hear and be heard; it feels safe
(at last!) , truly empathic and supportive. I am sure I'll post a lot more in the time to come.
Thank you again, wishing you well on your journey,
Kingfisher

Hey, to all of you and thank you for reading this!

First of all I want to express my profound gratitude for the sheer existence of this forum (which I have only recently found and joined); it is immense and I have just read a fraction of its content, but it is already immensely important to me for áll the warmth, understanding, recognition, validation and comfort it provides! Thank you ALL for that, for your courage, honesty and GOODness.

Posting this in 'Recovery Journals', I think it would be best to start with signs of recovery, despite the tenacious, lifelong storyline of telling myself 'things will never get better; you're damaged goods; it's far too late (being 62) to really change and recover', etc.

Signs of recovery, for me, are:
- somehow, somewhere, sometime I just lost the intense social anxiety I have felt most of my life; that crushing feeling of shame, feeling ugly, feeling unacceptable, feeling watched, feeling judged, feeling disapproved of, feeling awkward etc.

- this goes hand in hand with a growing, if not full, acknowledgement of the horrendous 'upbringing' (DOWNbringing would be THE real word, wouldn't it?!) which I was subjected to for decades on end.
Acknowledgement. WITHOUT rationalizing, without minimizing, without intellectualisation,
without laughing it off, without 'explaining' or bringing up 'extenuating circumstances' or whatever (all of which I have been doing until quite recently); just stating fully: it was horrible, it was more or less criminal in extent, it was soul-destroying, it has affected my life and being in só many, deep-rooted ways. Period.

- being a late-in-life father (of my, by now, 7 year old son) I was, and ám, deeply grateful, grateful ánd astonished, for the most open, defenseless, tender, interested, fascinated, deeply caring LOVE I have ever experienced in my life, and that has been so from day one of his life.
My son, his existence, has been and goes on to be a 'catalyst in my recovery'; being with him, as a baby, a toddler, an open, fearless, eager and keen, sensitive and bright 7 year old boy-child has made me inescapably aware of the heinous ways I was crushed, gaslighted, beaten, laughed at, humiliated, neglected, tormented by a severely deluded, mean, malignant narc-father ánd an enabling, terrified, cold, childlike mother. (And, as said above, I don't f* care anymore for the 'reasons' which made them behave like they did; especially since they kept up their ways of 'behaving' all through their looooooong lives.)

- strange as it might sound, the fact that I have started to FEEL all this (during the past half year or so) instead of THINKING (endlessly) about it, I regard as a sign of recovery; hard as it is to feel só much raw, bare, nameless, core-pain, I am somehow able to stay with it, to contain it, to not want to escape it (which is futile anyway and often leads to damaging others or myself!) I am able to, somehow, welcome it, without having to put a name (sadness, anger, fear, despair etc.) to it.

- apt as I am, decreasingly though, to abreact my pain/fear/anger on others, I find myself to be aware of that real soon and have DISCOVERED to be able to make real, heartfelt apologies for it; understanding my reactions and behaviour, but WITHOUT condoning them!

Before this will turn into an endless post, I want to thank you for heaving read all of it.
Can anyone relate to the fact of having (had) a malignant narcissist for a 'father', who was an admired, adored, revered, famous, nation-wide celebrity and an absolute monster at 'home'?

More to come 😊
Any reactions would be most welcome.
Blessings to all of you.

Thank you so much for the warm and validating replies!
Yes, owl (you must be wise 😊), it is so true that being a father, of a son!, brings my own deep past to the surface. Like I wrote: I have always KNOWN the facts about the horrible abuse (in so many ways) that went on and on, for decades;
I KNEW it and have KNOWN it; the shift that has taken place in me is, that I have started to FEEL it! And feeling we 'do' with our bodies, right?
I regard it as an unavoidable process and, hard as it is, even welcome it.
The coping! mechanisms of avoidance, minimizing, rationalizing, intellectualizing have more or less dropped away, not by some 'conscious decision', it has HAPPENED.
Hope this makes sense?
Wishing you all well (and yes, Eidolon, we are incredibly resilient!), thanks again.

Thank you, Blueberry!
I feel welcomed here and really free to express myself and deep, far too long held pain.
Posted part of my story in the Emotional Abuse sub-board, this evening; hard ánd cathartic to do so!

Hi to all of you brave, incredibly strong and indestructable people.
I posted in the introduction-board yesterday and feel free to dive 'into the deep' now. Well aware that I am writing this in the 'sub-board' of emotional abuse, still I might as well have posted this under the heading of physical abuse, or psychological abuse, or heinous verbal abuse, or emotional neglect etc.
At 62, father of the most wonderful boy-child one can imagine (7 years old), I am inescapably confronted with the depth of damage that was inflicted on me (ánd my lovely brother) by the two people whom I can only call 'parents'.
For a loooong time I have been able to sort of 'postpone' this confrontation by 'understanding' the dynamics, by 'explaining' the behaviour of 'those people' (the term my brother and I use by now, referring to our 'parents'), by 'excusing' them because of their own troubled childhoods and trauma, by minimizing, by laughing it off in cynicism, by swallowing the myth of 'inherited depression and anxiety' which can be taken care of by the right medicines.
And it is all not true. It just isn't.

The truth is, I was subjected to a severely deranged 'father' and a terrified, codependent, cold, childlike 'mother' from Day-One of my life.
Another, hard to take in, truth is that these two people have NOT changed one bit during their long lives, despite the fact of having three sons, all well into middle-age by now.

Imagine: a 'father' beating his baby son (my brother) in the crib. For 'crying too much'.
Imagine: a 'father' spitting his adolescent sons fully in the face (I can't think of a more repulsive act by anyone) for coming home 'too late'.
Imagine: a father calling his son(s) 'worthless piece of dirt', 'worthless piece of sh*t', 'horrible human being', 'the whole world laughs at you and sees what a dreadful failure you are'.
Ad infinitum. For decades.
Imagine: this 'father' to be (in the 60's, 70's, 80's) a national TV-celebrity and -icon, adored by millions, revered for his 'kindness', 'humouredness' etc.
Imagine: his son(s) being dismissed in complete disbelief whenever he tried to, hesitatingly, tell something of his horrific experiences with the same 'man', to anyone.

I won't go into all physical abuse now, nor into all deep emotional neglect.
It would be too much. For you reading this, for me writing this.
I just hope to have been read and understood, but after having read so many of your posts here, I am quite sure that'll be the case.
Thank you so much, be well, all of you.

Hi sailor and gravity,
Thank you for welcoming me, it feels so good to be seen and heard!
I know Van der Kolk's book, saylor, it ís good and what an apt title 'The Body
Keeps the Score' is...!

"following a terror-filled childhood raised by abusive and neglectful parents"
I am so sorry you had to endure all that! I went through the same but to feel really sorry for ME is still difficult.
It is a journey, yes, and a process, but we have found the courage and honesty to go that long and bumpy road. We should honour ourselves for that!

Wishing you well and thanks again.

A thankful 'Hi!' to all of you!

I found this website and forum about two weeks ago and have been reading só much on it, finding confirmation, validation, comfort and recognition in what all you members of this community share - DARE to share - so courageously!
I am 62, male, from The Netherlands, trying to deal with the lasting damage that growing up under a truly malignant narc-father and a terrified, codependent, cold mother has done to me.
Physical abuse. Emotional abuse. Verbal abuse. Lasting for decades on end, unchanged.
Coming upon Pete Walker's book on CPTSD was a revelation to me, almost shocking in the way it clarified and made sense of what I have been suffering for so long; I could (and can) relate to virtually every word of it - as I can fully relate to so many of the posts I read on this forum.

I have KNOWN for a long time that I was severely traumatized (reading Alice Miller's work was a first, important step in acknowledging that) but somehow it remained mainly 'knowledge', on an intellectual, more or less rationalized level.
Since several months I have been experiencing a profound shift in this:
I have started to FEEL it all and, to my own astonishment, I am able to welcome it, to hold it, difficult as it is to feel só much raw, wordless pain in the core of my being, my soul. I call it 'pain', can't put another word to it, not 'grief' or 'fear' or 'despair', not even 'anxiety. It feels most like a huge bundle or ball of intense (but blocked) energy, deep down in my belly.
Does any of you recognize this? All feedback would be most welcome!

I am very glad to have joined this forum and look forward to sharing, reading and learning much, much more.