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Messages - Rani

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Recovery Journals / Re: The big Dudette
« on: November 03, 2020, 09:54:40 AM »
Thanks Sanmagic7

thanks * the welcome.

* how to survive todayI which was yesterday, I landed this morning more smoothly, itís okay to carry a loneliness that doesnít hurt as much.. because there is a buffer inbetween. I have a loving husband, a mother that has gotten a bad Diagnosis (Not the worst but it does have a bad prognosis). Today I was trying to keep the dialog with the inner voice/narrative that constantly says ĄOther people (In-laws, * in my native country and elsewhere) Donít really seem to care, I should just cut them off * a while, so that I donít * hurt when nobody is asking me how I *ď. The next voice thinks that it really doesnít matter, it shouldnít, you shouldnít need the need * that kind of connection. Itís not them, itís your inner void that seeks * attention, investigate that rather than waiting * someone to ask you, how you * ect...

Itís hard to give both voices acknowledgement, it is hard no to ignore the voice that says :Look, you are a person of colour, you live in a white mans land, you donít belong here, and even if many people arenít aware of it, there is a very very subtle devaluation, itís so concealed, so deeply conditioned that even Ątheyď  arenít aware of it?! Why Do I have to Do the ĄWORKď? The work??????? Which work? What do you mean with work? The work of >>>>trying to belong>>>>  why do I have to run behind other people? Do you run behind them? Well yes it does * as if I have to try harder, and it puts me in a place of being the outsider, the one that always will have to be good/say the right thing/ be kind be this and that?! One wrong step and I will be thrown out. Who will throw you out? They, the others!!!!! Itís as if I must be perfect to be liked. And * all of them, I wonít do so, either they like me or they shall * off. So when they * off, things will be easier?  Give me an example?

Well you know E that she hardly ever, ever asks me how I am doing! How often does that happen? What about the moments when she did? She did ask, when my mom got the diagnosis, but then after a * Days, it was all over.. Do you ask? Yes, I did before!

I will still say, that I am not being seen, they tend to ignore me. What about the moments they did invite you, multiple times?

Today it still * as if I am abandoned, I will stay on this narrative, itís the magnifying glas that brings certain situations on to the macro level. Itís the survival mode that looks out * those who arenít there Be aware child, donít * into that trap.

Bring me home.
I donít want to live here she says, and I cannot live on the island either...

Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: November 02, 2020, 01:52:42 PM »
Hello sceal,

if itís okay to say (Iím almost new-old to this site) To say that I do understand. The awfulness of the Day is shared here with you hope you feel better soon

Take care

Recovery Journals / Re: The big Dudette
« on: November 02, 2020, 08:51:01 AM »
Not sure if itís okay to come back to my old Diary, I wasnít able to remember my previous access details, so Iím back as Rani..
I think I want to come back to ĄThe Big Dudetteď...

General Discussion / Re: Recovery notes #5000
« on: November 01, 2020, 09:14:55 AM »
The thing is, that it doesnt matter, none of it matters, people don't matter. Unless they do, and there is the thing. Who matters is, for us, a choice.

Find these words resonating with me.

Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Internal tape = Apocalypse now
« on: November 01, 2020, 08:29:29 AM »
i can.  i've always been the one to ask others how they are, but have rarely been asked that first.  still, i wanted the contact, so i went out of my way to get it by asking about someone else's welfare.  i think i always made sure that i looked 'together' enough that people believed i was fine.  i didn't let them see my pain, nor did i routinely ask for help/support.  the times i did ended up with the conversation turned onto the other person somehow, and i found my issues lost in the midst of supporting them once more.

in later years i've had several people ask after my well-being, but i think it was mostly after i got very sick and it was pretty obvious.  now, the only people i keep in my life are the ones who have made it very clear that they care about what's going on with me.  that adds up to 2.  the rest are friends, are ok with hearing if i'm having a problem, but don't really get into the details with me. 

i've even had t's who haven't asked.  i don't think a lot of people want to get into the grim realities of the lives of others.  not all, but a lot.  so be it.  it's why i spend a lot of time here.  this is a place where people do care.  and i'll take it.  i don't know what the answer is, just that i can relate.  love and a big hug, shankara.

@sanmagic7 thank you for your words here... itís been a long time and I just couldnít remember my old profile Name shankara plus password and Iím back as Rani. This has been a very very long and painful journey and Iím still failing and adjusting/adapting, failing again and crawling back up again like many other people. When it comes to relationships my felt sense of self has tweaked a bit, but then again I fall back into old cobwebs struggling to move out of distorted thinking. I still have this strong tendency to leave everything behind, and start new. Cut people off, get a new identity and press Ąre-startď, itís another trauma response, itís nothing new and today I woke wanting to change my phone number... maybe something triggered me a bit.. still working and it never really ends.

Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: October 31, 2020, 02:14:01 PM »
Dear Bach,

Im sorry if Iím invading your Diary from nowhere.. sorry you are feeling that way, I Do relate to those, if I may say : Apocalyptic mind states. IĎm listening and sending support


Recovery Journals / Re: Sense of snow
« on: October 11, 2020, 09:14:43 PM »
Itís hard to live, today.. tomorrow and all the tomorrows following.. Iím standing in the bus, and I shouldnít cry because, because itís embarrassing. I havenít got the inner architecture to make it in this life, itís of no use, just quit... she says. She says because she is in fear because my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in August, because thereís so much enmeshment between me and my mother that needs distinction, where is me and where is my mother? Her prognosis is luckily a good one, yet there is an enormous amount of Grief unloading, I feel I need to save her once again, she decides, she makes her own decisions, I donít have to, I donít have to carry that burden.

Recovery Journals / Re: Sense of snow
« on: October 11, 2020, 08:25:49 PM »
Thank you @Marta... much appreciated! Wishing you a good Day

Recovery Journals / Sense of snow
« on: October 11, 2020, 06:12:01 PM »
Almost new to this site, and shouting out a hello.. if anyone is reading. I’ve been here, but I can’t remember my previous profile name, so I’m starting again as a newbie. The title „sense of snow“ I’ve used before on another trauma website, but when dealing with relational/developmental trauma, I felt the need to be in a more specific domain. Sense of snow is one of my favorite novels, as I used to identify with smilla  the main character of the Story.
I‘m a woman in her late 30‘s from South Asia. Growing up on an island, in a very strong patriarchal and conservative society, people being marginalized depending on their caste. My mother married a violent, alcoholic man which meant that he kept beating her regularly, also through her pregnancy, the first one ending in a miscarriage. So while she was pregnant with me, she was exposed to violence almost everyday, it took her a few years to get out of that marriage, and we kept leaving places in order to find a safe home. Divorced woman were seen as sinners in the early/mid 80s so our reality was about surviving Day after Day. My mother then met a man who was mentally ill, and came up with ideas like leaving me with random people so that they can travel the world. my mother fearing this man was unable to stand up to him, I was also sexually abused by one or two men I was staying with.
I grew up in different schools and catholic boarding schools. We used to travel a lot later on, and I landed in Germany in the mid 90s.. I lived a very isolated life in my teens due to my mentally ill step father and depressed mother. Somewhere around 2002 I began with therapy, and like many others, I’m still walking that road..

Introductory Post / Re: 👋
« on: October 11, 2020, 04:47:09 PM »
Thank you Marta for the Welcome. Just searching my way through the forum. Not much seems to be going on these days here... but I hope to have good and nourishing talks with others here.

Introductory Post / 👋
« on: October 11, 2020, 03:07:22 PM »
Hello Humans,

Iíve been here a few years ago, but Iíve completely forgotten the access details to my old email account ect. Words donít always come easy to me so I will keep it short.
Dealing with aftereffects,  growing up with a violent alcoholic father, mentally ill caregiver, sexual abuse and living in different boarding schools.

Looking forward to share and learn.
Thank you

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