Thanks Sanmagic7
thanks * the welcome.
* how to survive todayI which was yesterday, I landed this morning more smoothly, it's okay to carry a loneliness that doesn't hurt as much.. because there is a buffer inbetween. I have a loving husband, a mother that has gotten a bad Diagnosis (Not the worst but it does have a bad prognosis). Today I was trying to keep the dialog with the inner voice/narrative that constantly says ,,Other people (In-laws, * in my native country and elsewhere) Don't really seem to care, I should just cut them off * a while, so that I don't * hurt when nobody is asking me how I *". The next voice thinks that it really doesn't matter, it shouldn't, you shouldn't need the need * that kind of connection. It's not them, it's your inner void that seeks * attention, investigate that rather than waiting * someone to ask you, how you * ect...
It's hard to give both voices acknowledgement, it is hard no to ignore the voice that says :Look, you are a person of colour, you live in a white mans land, you don't belong here, and even if many people aren't aware of it, there is a very very subtle devaluation, it's so concealed, so deeply conditioned that even ,,they" aren't aware of it?! Why Do I have to Do the ,,WORK"? The work? Which work? What do you mean with work? The work of >>>>trying to belong>>>> why do I have to run behind other people? Do you run behind them? Well yes it does * as if I have to try harder, and it puts me in a place of being the outsider, the one that always will have to be good/say the right thing/ be kind be this and that?! One wrong step and I will be thrown out. Who will throw you out? They, the others!!!!! It's as if I must be perfect to be liked. And * all of them, I won't do so, either they like me or they shall * off. So when they * off, things will be easier? Give me an example?
Well you know E that she hardly ever, ever asks me how I am doing! How often does that happen? What about the moments when she did? She did ask, when my mom got the diagnosis, but then after a * Days, it was all over.. Do you ask? Yes, I did before!
I will still say, that I am not being seen, they tend to ignore me. What about the moments they did invite you, multiple times?
Today it still * as if I am abandoned, I will stay on this narrative, it's the magnifying glas that brings certain situations on to the macro level. It's the survival mode that looks out * those who aren't there Be aware child, don't * into that trap.
Bring me home.
I don't want to live here she says, and I cannot live on the island either...
thanks * the welcome.
* how to survive todayI which was yesterday, I landed this morning more smoothly, it's okay to carry a loneliness that doesn't hurt as much.. because there is a buffer inbetween. I have a loving husband, a mother that has gotten a bad Diagnosis (Not the worst but it does have a bad prognosis). Today I was trying to keep the dialog with the inner voice/narrative that constantly says ,,Other people (In-laws, * in my native country and elsewhere) Don't really seem to care, I should just cut them off * a while, so that I don't * hurt when nobody is asking me how I *". The next voice thinks that it really doesn't matter, it shouldn't, you shouldn't need the need * that kind of connection. It's not them, it's your inner void that seeks * attention, investigate that rather than waiting * someone to ask you, how you * ect...
It's hard to give both voices acknowledgement, it is hard no to ignore the voice that says :Look, you are a person of colour, you live in a white mans land, you don't belong here, and even if many people aren't aware of it, there is a very very subtle devaluation, it's so concealed, so deeply conditioned that even ,,they" aren't aware of it?! Why Do I have to Do the ,,WORK"? The work? Which work? What do you mean with work? The work of >>>>trying to belong>>>> why do I have to run behind other people? Do you run behind them? Well yes it does * as if I have to try harder, and it puts me in a place of being the outsider, the one that always will have to be good/say the right thing/ be kind be this and that?! One wrong step and I will be thrown out. Who will throw you out? They, the others!!!!! It's as if I must be perfect to be liked. And * all of them, I won't do so, either they like me or they shall * off. So when they * off, things will be easier? Give me an example?
Well you know E that she hardly ever, ever asks me how I am doing! How often does that happen? What about the moments when she did? She did ask, when my mom got the diagnosis, but then after a * Days, it was all over.. Do you ask? Yes, I did before!
I will still say, that I am not being seen, they tend to ignore me. What about the moments they did invite you, multiple times?
Today it still * as if I am abandoned, I will stay on this narrative, it's the magnifying glas that brings certain situations on to the macro level. It's the survival mode that looks out * those who aren't there Be aware child, don't * into that trap.
Bring me home.
I don't want to live here she says, and I cannot live on the island either...