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I relate to this so much Sage! I've always avoided activities that I thought might draw attention as self-harm. But I aggressively pick at my skin, pluck hairs, and will scratch my skin or bite my fingers until they hurt when I am particularly stressed. If I have anything else in my hands, like paper, string, of leaves as you mention, I will rip them to pieces instead. I try to do this intentionally sometimes to spare my skin.

I expect there might be something to the adult acne part of that as well. I've noticed that mine gets worse when I am stressed. And then I end up touching my face more...what a vicious cycle!

Wow, it's been ages since I posted! As always, looking back to read my previous entry feel so distant. My emotions seem to fluctuate mush more quickly than I post. I think a big reason for this most recent gap was dealing with the holidays. I ended up staying with my M for about two weeks and basically shut down emotionally for the whole time as well as a week preceding and following the visit. I'm not yet in a place where I can handle being angry with her, especially not when I see her in-person.

The last couple weeks have also been sub-par for me, I've been somewhat depressed and avoiding doing much of anything at all, including posting on here (although I did pop on a few times to read what others had written). My T hypothesizes that in reality I am angry, but because I can't feel or express that, it turns inward and is expressed as depression. I have managed to feel a little anger at other people, though. Over Christmas I also saw my aunt for a couple days which was a fairly unpleasant experience. She is such a rude and critical person and has to make some nasty comment about every little thing. I felt like I couldn't relax the whole time she was there. In particular, she criticized my behavior as a child, that I didn't clean up after my mother enough, that I was too energetic (despite the fact that this was the only sort of emotion I was allowed to show in front of my parents), that my appearance was poor, etc. My mother stood there and listened to her say these things and said nothing, and in one case actually piled on, saying I was too child-like now! It hurt terribly because I've been working hard to reclaim the parts of being a child that were denied to me when I was young. To be told that I shouldn't have been a child at all...And later I turned that on myself for not standing up to her. I know feeling some anger at my mother for this would be reasonable as well, but it just makes me sad. That being said, I've been talking to her less than usual, so maybe some is leaking out.

I've also been rather frustrated with my roommate and I think finally put my finger on the reason yesterday. She adopted a pair of kittens in the fall. And they are very cute, I like playing with them and seeing them. But, I'm just not up for taking care of anything other than myself right now, which is one of the big reasons that I didn't get a pet myself. So, she got them with the understanding that she alone was responsible for them. And within the first couple weeks she was occasionally asking me to feed them. Which, like, fine...it only takes a couple minutes, although I do find the food pretty disgusting (I've been a vegetarian for quite a few years and find the smell of meat revolting). But recently, she's been going out usually one night a week and staying with a new boyfriend (which not even to get into the pandemic issues of that), and she leaves the cats by themselves for the night, which really means that she leaves them with me. Because she got them in lock down, they are super clingy and don't like to be alone. And I don't let them into my bedroom so they don't get into crafting supplies or damage any of my rather large rock/mineral collection (some of which are also mildly toxic). And while I could let them in with supervision, I find it extremely stressful. So they meow at my door constantly and I can't really do anything with my evening. And I think it's bringing up memories of my M making me responsible for my brother's emotional stability/well-being. Despite the fact that we are twins, I was always called on to be the mature one, to take care of him, protect him, and when he was abusing us, to calm him down. I know that the way my roommate is behaving is different, but it feels like a repetition to me, of her shirking her responsibilities to those dependent on her and making me responsible for them. A responsibility that I don't want and have knowingly avoided. Also the way she explains that she got them because she was feeling lonely in lock down... it feels a lot like my M who had kids more because she likes babies than I think really being invested in us as people, using us to help her get through her depression, and then not wanting to be responsible for actually giving us the nurturing we needed. So maybe I am angry with my mother, but I can really only feel it towards other people (and it's not like I'm expressing that towards my roommate either).

So maybe a good goal this week is to try some more angering exercises, even though they make me very uncomfortable. I need to find a new one though, because I've been trying to hit pillows, but I have a chronic pain/disability in my arms that means I'm really hurting myself with that exercise more than I would like. Taking suggestions if anyone has any they like.

Thank you dollyvee and notalone for the validation. Your point dollyvee about it being hard to name your own abuse, even if you could recognize it in someone else is very true for me as well. I know this is common issue, and I find mine exacerbated by my family who all believed that I had been spared the worst abuses, like the physical abuse that my brother received (even though he later did physically abuse me). I had always thought I had a good relationship with my M, but I don't know how much of that was because I depended on her and had to maintain a positive-seeming relationship to survive.

I'm still so ashamed and embarrassed about the state of my life at that time, it's very difficult to talk about it, even with my T. I'm thinking maybe there was a good reason that I had repressed those memories. But I supposed the fact that it's coming up now must mean I'm on the road to recovery? That I can better handle it now than before? But buying new clothes has been excellent and I even managed to throw out some worn-out shoes and junk as well.

I skipped family Thanksgiving with the (very-legitimate) excuse of the pandemic, but I'm facing down whether or not to visit my M for Christmas. My brother recently went LC with her and is not planning to attend, and without my grandmother this year, I'm not sure I want to go and stay with my M alone. I'm so hurt and angry with her right now, I don't want to go just to be her emotional support, but I'm not sure now is the right time to take a stand. I might be able to get out of it citing the pandemic (which very well could be a problem if I did try to go since  I'd have to take a train or a bus), but I would feel guilty letting her down for my own wants.

I this post has gotten away from me, so I'll just end it here with the highlight that as I was upset this evening and wanting to go out, I checked the website for the closest ice skating rink, and they've finally opened for the season, so I can get in some exercise this week to work off this anger.

Hi all,

Not sure if this is the right place for this question/if if has come up before. My T has been pointing out to me recently that when I'm talking about painful subjects that make me sad/angry/anything negative, my facial expressions rarely match. I smile and laugh as I recount horrible stories, often complete with comedic timing. I mentioned it to a friend I trust and she confirmed noticing the same thing. I'm sure that it is because in my FOO, I always had to be happy and unaffected and other emotions were met with rejection or punishment.

However, I share the concern that it limits my ability to seriously communicate in my relationships. Does anyone share this behavior or have tips on breaking this habit?

Thanks dollyvee, I always find comfort in hearing that I am not the only one who feels this way. Honestly looking back and reading that post, even just from a couple weeks ago, it's like seeing a different person. I was so upset the evening I wrote that, and ultimately had an incredibly supportive text exchange with my best friend who never fails to tell me that she loves me. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. I often try not to bother her with my worries since I know she has a lot going on, but leaning on each other is part of the balance.

I've been having such an odd week. After really enjoying Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving earlier this summer, I had really been dragging my feet on reading the Tao of Fully Feeling (I have the audiobook and the narrator is pretty bland but also maybe I wasn't quite ready since I'm enjoying it now). And much like the first book, although abuse from my F and brother have always been more present in my mind, his books always leave me thinking about my M. I'm really starting to appreciate the degree to which she really was neglectful. I uncovered a memory this weekend trying an angering exercise, and unlike some of my missing memories, after noticing this one, I was sure it had always been there just below my consciousness, like if someone had mentioned it I would have known but it didn't seem important.
Anyway (TW for those who need it):
I remembered how I never had clean or untorn clothes or regular access to hygiene products. I didn't even own an underwire bra until I was a high school senior and HAD to buy one to go under the white dress I was required to wear for graduation. And for a period of time, that I can't seem to place, I only owned two pairs of underwear, both with holes, and I used to have to hand-wash them in the shower and would often wear them wet. I still own a variety of old, torn, and stained clothing, some of which I've probably had for 10 years, that I can't stand to wear but also can't throw away. I often smelled and was ridiculed for it, including by both parents. I felt so ugly and disgusting, I had terrible posture and always had to wear two shirts and a sweatshirt to try to cover my body.
I'm trying to remember and embrace the idea that I no longer have to hold onto things that don't make me feel good. I have the financial resources now to buy what I need (or WANT!). So I bought myself some new clothes. I seem to have to re-learn this lesson for every section of my wardrobe. I think I've gotten most of them now. Except for shoes probably...maybe a task for another day.

Hi Bumblebee,

It sounds like you are a really dedicated partner and are working hard to support your loved-one.

I don't know that I can be super-helpful if only because I'm much better at pushing people away than keeping them close. But, I do want to suggest digging further into the specific triggers your partner is experiencing. I find, as Saylor mentioned, that I have a desire for closeness, so it's usually some other trigger rather than "closeness". For example, it could be that he's feeling vulnerable and afraid of being hurt or rejected, it could be certain forms of communication (I find texting and face-to-face to be more stressful when I am triggered but can still write longer-form letters), and to try to address your relationship, you might need to figure out what specific behaviors you can modify to help.

I'll also say that many of us use caring for others as a way to keep ourselves safe, but when we get overwhelmed taking care of others can take away our ability to care for ourselves, so sometimes space and the assurance that you'll stick around can be what's needed.

I briefly tried EMDR (I didn't get along with the therapist though) and found that at least initially it actually exacerbated my symptoms. A bit like cleaning a room, it's going to get messier before it actually gets clean. And this is true with any type of therapy or recovery work, but if he usually has a lower background of symptoms, I wouldn't necessarily suggest starting EMDR while in crisis. Especially if he's wary of therapists. Just my two cents.

I hope you are able to make progress.

Haven't been on in a couple weeks. I've been feeling a little too overwhelmed to do anything but stay afloat with nothing left over to try and get better. I'm feeling like every small thing sets me off right now. Had what is in perspective a tiny and gentle rejection, but I'm spinning out. I feel like everywhere I turn, nobody can ever accept me or love me for who I am. Like some part of me is so broken and wrong, that I never could be loved because who would ever even bother. I pour so much of myself into my relationships, hoping that one day I can find family or friends or a partner who wants to be with me as much as I want to be near them. And they never do. When it's all around, it's hard not to feel like I'm the common denominator. I know that must just be an ICr, but it feels so true.

Thanks rainy and gravity for the kind words and validation. I've found myself avoiding posting as it has been very emotional for me the last few days.

A big challenge this week has been trying to get to sleep. I've been up past 3 or 4 AM for the last several nights and am feeling very drained by that, not to mention that it makes it difficult to get my work done! I've had disturbed sleep patterns most of my life, but I've noticed it is always worse during EFs. Not to mention that lying down to go to sleep is itself a trigger for me. Sleeping has never felt safe- I deal a lot with hyper-vigilance and I couldn't monitor what was going on at night if I was asleep. Also, one of my abusers occasionally used sleep deprivation as a tactic to control us.

It's very frustrating because it's the one thing I can't will myself to do. My T has tried to be helpful on this topic, but she mostly recommends the same advise I've found online like making my bed comfortable or practicing better sleep hygiene, but none of these do anything to treat the underlying issue!

And then even once I do manage to sleep, I'm having nightmares about my F. I've been NC for years and it doesn't seem to get better. did have an interesting realization though which is that in these dreams (and in my waking worries too), it's always someone else that let's him back into a space where I am and I can't get away. I'm wondering if that's because, as a child, I was always forced to see him/talk to him, even after my parents' divorce. I would occasionally try to refuse, but was always coerced into spending time with him anyway.

It's already late here and I know I need to sleep, but am dreading having to lay down and have nothing to distract me.

Feeling my grief over losing my grandmother so much today. I dreamt about her last night, where she was alive again and was just hanging out with me, eating breakfast. I miss her so terribly. It feels like she was the only person looking out for me as a child, although I know that's not true. I feel like I haven't quite had the time to mourn for her yet; I spent the first week after death taking care of my M, and had to dive back into work full time since then. So maybe today I'll just share some memories of feeling close to her:

I was reminded today of when I was a teenager and she and I volunteered together teaching adult English for Speakers of Other Languages class. She used to light up interacting with students, listening to their stories and talking about their families. She had a huge heart and loved without judgement.

A road trip we took with also my two aunts, on her "Tony Hillerman" tour of the southwest. Everywhere we went she had to stop and read every informational sign. When we got a flat tire, she carefully photographed all of our backsides as we changed it, to document the experience.

Whenever I would bake desserts, she would hover around the kitchen waiting for me to be done so she could like the bowl, especially if there was chocolate involved. Being in the mall or shopping center as an ice cream place was a good enough reason to get some.

Perhaps an odd choice, because it wasn't particularly happy, but I remember coming home from school when my B was arrested to her lying on the sofa. She was upset and we both cried as soon as she started telling me what had happened, she was as much a victim of his abuse as I was and needed him to be away, but we both loved him at the same time.

Tucking her in to sleep last spring when I was helping with her medical care. She looked like a child being tucked in by a parent, it was so tender.

Maybe that's enough for today. I know it's not necessarily a CPTSD thing, but my relationship with her was definitely shaped, and probably brought closer, by everything. A last bit on some early IFS work, I was talking to a part that was sad about being NC with my F, which I was a little confused about, and she told me she was sad that we had hurt him by going NC because she caring about him despite his abuse was what my grandmother would have done. She had this bumper sticker on her car that said "Remember who you wanted to be", and I always wanted to be like her. But she understood and forgave me for what I had to do. And I think I can feel sorry for causing him pain at the same time as knowing it was the right thing to do for me.

Thanks marta and gravity for the welcome. Virtual hugs are always appreciated 

Thanks also for the validation, because it's not fair! and sometimes I have trouble feeling that even when I know intellectually it's true.

As usual for me, the anger has quickly faded to depression. I wish I could have a better relationship with her. I know she doesn't want to hurt me and genuinely does her best, but it's not good enough? And I feel selfish for feeling that way, which sends me back in the endless loop of prioritizing her feelings over mine.

And completely unrelated but I've been seeing everyone's posts about IFS and I had never heard of it. I was a little skeptical but I tried it following some youtube videos and it was really interesting, even brought up some memories I didn't know about. So, I'll have to talk to my T about it tomorrow and try to find out more.

I don't really quite know how to do this, but I guess I'll just dive in. Mostly because I'm angry today, and I'm almost never in touch with my anger and the only way I know how to express it is to write.

I found this site through a facebook friend's post about supportive resources for DV awareness month and thought I would check it out. Honestly, it's always a little hard for me to see people posting about these topics because I felt so shamed and silenced growing up, I've never been comfortable talking about abuse and it's hard sometimes to see other people do it.

Anyway, it's been very emotional for me to go through this site and read about other people's experiences. I'm seeing you all put into words feelings I've been wrestling with, and there's a comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way, but also reading them makes me feel all of those things full force, and I usually like to keep everything shoved down in a tiny box so I can get through the day.

And yesterday I was feeling down and desperately wanted some comfort from my M. I've always thought we had a pretty good relationship, but I've been realizing lately how her emotional unavailability and failure to protect me were neglectful and damaging. I was never allowed to be vulnerable or sad or angry in front of her; I had to be unshakeable. She likes to joke that I'm really the parent in our relationship, I'm always taking care of her needs and supporting her. I made (make?) excuses for her, that she was having a hard time or overwhelmed and that I was strong enough to handle things so I could wait my turn and support her now and then when things got under control she could support me. Except, that time still hasn't come. And when I try to go to her for support or comfort, she's distant and in a rush to get back to whatever it is she wants to be doing that isn't talking to me.

But I really wanted her to see ME and validate my feelings. So against my better judgement I called her and said I was feeling down and wanted to chat. And she promptly made it all about herself and how she was feeling, and would I be terribly offended if she left to go play her videogame with her friend. And she said that she was glad I felt I could turn to her when I wanted someone to talk to! I'm pissed at her for not listening, not putting me first. And I'm ashamed and angry with myself for thinking that things would be any different this time.

Hello! I've been dealing with CPTSD symptoms for a long time and am currently trying to work on vulnerability and my connections with people. Talking to my friends about trauma/symptoms has been a little too daunting, so I'm hoping this can be a lower-stakes place to start.

I grew up witnessing physical and emotional abuse by my father, primarily directed at my mother and twin brother. They divorced when I was ~9, but the abuse towards my brother continued for a time afterwards and I was often in the middle as a protector/GC. We are all NC with him for several years now.

As a teenager, my brother's mental health deteriorated and he was dealing with a video game addiction and ultimately became physically and emotionally abusive, again mostly directed to my mother, but some towards me and my grandmother who lived with us part of the time. He was arrested when we were 15 and spent a long time in a full-time therapy program before returning home.

I recently read Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and unexpectedly experienced a lot of EFs about my mother. I'm beginning to realize the ways in which she was neglectful, and despite our surficially positive relationship, she's still not able to support me in the ways I need.

On top of that, my grandmother who was the only person I felt like really prioritized my well-being as a child recently passed away which has left me feeling more alone than ever.

Anyway thanks in advance for listening, even just writing this public-ish post is triggering.