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That sounds really tough to deal with. I'm glad you're seeing a T and getting help, that's good that you're on the right track.
I identify with the memory blockage but not to such a large extent. Whenever my dad was horrible to me / lost his temper, I would forget the order of events and I couldn't relay them clearly afterwards. I didn't understand this as I was pretty young, and I just figured that when I got overloaded with stress and upset emotions my brain would just be like "nope" and blur it out. I think I thought it was abnormal too, just something my mind done for some reason. I never realised it was a response to trauma. Jeez, I just realised this is technically dissociation, something I never really identified with when reading about CPTSD.
My life is kind of a blur, too. I identify with remembering a lot of bad stuff, and not so much good stuff, but that's probably cause I have depression so such memories were given more focus. And maybe my life was just pretty bad. I mean, it was. My mind is quite foggy now, I'm a "ditzy" person and have poor concentration. Maybe this is something to do with that, too. I am waiting to see a therapist myself so still to work a lot of this stuff out.
Anyway, I wish you all the best in healing. It does sound like you are on a good track as you have a good therapist. All the best!

Thanks DutchUncle. You're right, neglect is still a form of abuse.
I think I will be able to change my lateness, and it's good to hear other people have done too. I'm just going to try harder with making the effort, because I know it's doable, albeit harder because I've never consistently been an early person so need to form a new habit. I am really going to try, though.
And thanks Yvette. I am trying to be more compassionate with myself too, so I will take this on board. I identify with what you said about your inner state being reflected in your outer state, too. So I will keep working on my mental health and that should help things fall into place :-)

Okay this is a weird one, and it's not a result of the abuse, more a result of neglect, technically.
I lack a few basic life skills. I find organisation impossible, my room is virtually always messy, if I'm early for something it's a major accomplishment and my social skills aren't well developed.
It never really dawned on me that social skills should, to an extent, be taught to you by your parents. But someone on this group said something about that and it really clicked with me.
I feel kind of missing a lot of teachings that are probably common in parenting. For example, I am late  to everything. Like, I majorly struggle with being on time or early to ANYTHING to the point where it is an issue, and it is affecting my life. I try and try to fix it but I just can't seem to, this has been going on for years. Now when I was still in primary school (About 10 and then onwards) I was late to school virtually every day because my dad dropped me off late (which did distress me as I was embarrassed to be late everyday). So, I never grew up with the habit of being on time and now I can't seem to undo this habit of being late for everything, all of the time. It's really hard! Which is so annoying because I hate being late. But I just can't stop doing it!
It's like, I acknowledge that I didn't get the best start in life, but I don't know how to fix it for my life now. It's dawning on me that my parents didn't really teach me vital skills, they just shouted at me or got annoyed with me for not doing things right, but they never like taught me HOW to do things right. So my self-esteem would take the hit, but I never learnt anything or progressed.

I'm just wondering, does anyone else have these kind of problems, and what can I do about it now? How do I learn to be an adult?
My main struggles are time management and organisation (with social anxiety and social problems being a whole other issue).

I've replied to the personal message but thank you  This forum does help me feel more understood and less alone, so I will continue to use it.

Today is a lot better. I have these bad bursts of mental illness sometimes, and I definitely feel that happened yesterday. It was awful, but I feel a lot better today. My perception is very different depending on my mental state, I'm aware of that. Yesterday it felt like I had no hope, no connection to anyone, no happy moments, etc.
Not true.
I have had a lot of happy moments this year. I took a bath last night when I was getting panicky and I calmed down. Taking my nightly medication probably helped too, but yeah. Things aren't so bad. Yes, I struggle with social anxiety and life is really scary a lot of the time BUT I also have friends, I have hobbies, I have family who I love. I just can't feel all of the good stuff when my mental state is really, really low.
I just wanted to update.
Also, for consistency, some of my previous post has been removed due to guidelines that I wasn't aware of, my bad! So it might read a little weird.
I can be happy, though. That's the take away message. And I'm happy quite a lot for someone who is technically depressed. Good moments and bad moments, that's just my life right now. And sure, the bad moments really are BAD. But I'm all set up to get help with that. Right now, I'm just relaxing and enjoying feeling okay. My life is not going to miraculously become easy but I can enjoy it sometimes. I can learn how to manage my anxiety and take further care of myself.
Bye for now 

Trigger Warnings: self harm,  depression, anxiety, anger(mine), abuse, etc.
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I'm currently at rock bottom.  I feel insane.
I also got angry today. I smashed a candle. I don't really do things like that, my anger tends to be turned inwards. I lied to my mum that I accidentally knocked it over, but I threw it.
I started crying on Christmas night because I feel alone. I have friends and family but I don't really feel connected. I'm most sad because I watched a Christmas movie where a boy and a girl fall in love. I have attractions for people and sometimes they do back, and it's going good, but I ruin it. I stop talking to them, I don't make the effort and that really hurts me. It's self sabotage because of my social anxiety, and perhaps other reasons, I don't know. But it really hurts because I'm making myself alone, because I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. I want to fall in love and have genuine connections with people. It's destroying me, feeling so alone.
I feel very depressed and hopeless right now.  I want to get better, I want to stop feeling alone, I want to be happy in life, I want to feel good enough etc. But that feels impossible.
I really am at rock bottom.
I'm not always this bad. But I'm rarely really good. I always have mental illness problems, which only seem to go away completely when I'm drunk or on drugs, so that's another problem. At least I'm not an addict, though I might as well be. I'm miserable enough.

What really scares me is the idea that I'll never get better. The general belief about C-PTSD and Social Anxiety seems to be that there is no complete cure. It scares me that I can always end up back in this scary, dark place. It terrifies me.
I have this yearning to be normal in a sense, but I'm glad for some of my differences too. I'm sensitive as *, I care about animal rights and human rights way more than the average person, and maybe that's because I know what it's like to be a victim, but I still see it as a good thing. At least I'm not racist, or sexist or contributing to the hurting of animals where I can avoid it, etc.
I most worry that I am a bad person myself. My little brother is really annoying and not so well behaved but I get really annoyed with him sometimes and I feel responsible like a parent, when really I shouldn't, for his well-being. I guess that's because I fear my parents are inadequate in their raising of him, but there's nothing I can do.
They don't seem to be as bad as it was with me though. Strangely, the levels of violence seem to have passed.
I've thought about going to A&E but the last time I went the waiting time was so long (5 hours, they said) I just went home. Great suicide safety plan that, huh?!
I've been referred to an organisation that will give me counselling, they help women who have experienced violence, but I'm obviously still waiting as it's a very recent referral.
I just feel like I'm falling apart now. It's not easy to hold it all together. I'm scheduled to go back to work in a week, and I can't quit because I will have to pay 10,000 pounds over the course of 4 years apparently, which I do not have. This was part of my contract because I am an apprentice. Bit of a disastrous thing to sign when I have mental illness, but I thought I could handle it. I wanted to handle it. Maybe I still will. Time shall tell. But I'm not really handling it, or life in general. I'm falling apart.
I need help, that's how I feel, but I'm not getting it quickly enough. I'm not getting enough help or the right help, that's how it feels.
I hope I get better soon. Even if it can't be cured I want to still get a little better, because how I feel now really is not good at all.

I'm sorry if you've read this and it's depressed you. It would depress me, too.
Hopefully, I'll feel better the next time I write. It shouldn't be hard.

Over and out

Thank you everyone. I did need to hear that validated in a sense. It's like a relief that other people can see it too. I know it was an abusive situation but when many people downplay it or make you feel like it's not it can lead to you feeling pretty insane.

I understand what you mean Tired. I definitely didn't get enough good experiences. My brother is severely disabled and my parents have depression too so this, coupled with other things like their own marital problems and the abusive behaviours of my dad, didn't lead to a very good upbringing. I don't think they ever really gave me enough attention or care. Maybe I just don't remember but I feel like there wasn't the time. It's not that my mum didn't love or care for me, she did and she showed that, but with my brother being disabled she probably had no time really to teach me things like social skills or whatever. And there was all the bad experiences too. So overall, really not good.

That's true. It makes me feel better to be able to understand and therefore forgive a little. I'm not sure about my dad because he has never apologised and never seemed capable of giving an apology but he's like came a long way. He does treat me alright now, we actually never even argue or anything. We get along quite well on the surface, but there's still a major distance because of everything that happened. My parents still argue and he like goes out of his way to be nice to me. I think he tries to make up for being * in the past but he can't just say sorry or talk about it so it's like he tries to be nice in other ways. It's a weird situation but I do think he feels really bad. It's like he had anger and control problems but he does seem to have become conscious of that. I get that impression. There's still such a distance but I feel like my mum definitely wants us all to get along, be happy and help with that. And my dad seems to be alright now too. But at the same time I can't trust him after it all. There's like a guard up, we will never be close.

Sometimes it's like I get triggered and I think my family are all just evil and it's the same as it felt back then. I guess that's PTSD. I feel like that girl again; angry and filled with injustice and upset and trapped. Desperate to run away / move out / get out. It kinds of blows things out of proportion as well, makes me feel how I felt as a child. I guess that lines up with the whole inner child thing I'm seeing dotted around.

I've been to see my GP and I've not asked about housing, but I am getting referred to a psychologist. I think it's the start of a road to understanding for me. This page and group has helped a lot even just in clarifying my symptoms so that I can begin to deal with them. That's very hopeful.

Thank you again, everyone. It really helps. This group feels like therapy 

wishing you all the best

Hi everyone,

thanks for your kind replies. It does help to know you're not alone.

I completely identify with that, Laynelove! I honestly think I'm an extrovert, something I've recently realised, as when I actually interact with people my depression seems to shift and I am really happy! But most of the time I'm, like, drowning in social anxiety so I come across as an introvert and I used to believe that I was one. If it wasn't for social anxiety though, I do think I'd be an extroverted person.

Yeah, I've been doing CBT as well and it's pretty good, it's just I also feel my problems might be more deeply rooted than that. It really is my core beliefs that are flawed as I think when I was developing my self esteem and self image were just under such attack that I took that in and it shaped my core beliefs. So yeah, I'll have a look into schema therapy, thank you

And I know exactly what you mean woodsgnome. It's so silly but it's hard to force yourself to see past it. I always think if people don't already hate me they're going to start to soon. It's like I'm waiting on it to happen. It's dreadful because I know on some level that people are generally nice and friendly and have no reason to dislike you so long as you are nice and friendly too. But still, the feeling persists on being there. It's a major pain in the *!

Also, the breathing in and out thing really helps me too. I do one that goes "In, out, present moment, wonderful moment." I got it from a bhuddist book and it actually really works for me. Things like that are brilliant for focusing on the present moment and calming down. I'll give the peace, love one a try too

Thanks again everyone <3 Good long in your own journeys! 

Hi,

I have a problem in that I'm questioning if the childhood abuse I received was really "bad enough".
I became homeless this time one year ago because my abusive boyfriend manipulated me into leaving with him when he was being chucked out because the way my dad treated me, he said, was out of order and he didn't want me living there.
It's so complicated because everyone seemed to take the stance it was just my boyfriend being manipulative and I was completely brainwashed but I always thought my dad was abusive to me in the past so I wasn't brainwashed, just perhaps manipulated into not making the best decisions considering the circumstances.
As well as this my memories don't seem to match up with what my mother and even one of my friends remember happening, so this has got me feeling strange.
I remember my dad throwing my friends laptop down the stairs and it smashing into pieces. That did happen, that's confirmed. But I also remember him kicking me as I lay on the floor and according to my mother and my friend that never actually happened. This conflict of memories led to me feeling very frustrated and possibly insane. I felt very invalidated the whole time too as none of my feelings or experiences were taken seriously, with everyone suggesting I was just manipulated. A friends mother even told me it's normal for parents to treat you like that, basically suggesting I was just being dramatic.
My dad is a lot better with me now, we don't argue or anything much at all, but that doesn't make what happened in the past less real.
I feel like because I didn't have bruises and scars there's no real proof and so many people have downplayed my own experiences and emotions. I am never taken seriously and that makes it worse because then I feel insane.
I remember wishing and hoping that when he hit me it would leave marks so I could show my mum when she came home, but it always hurt, just never enough to leave a lasting mark.
I remember him coming in and throwing my tall shelving unit to the ground and trashing my room because it was messy and I wasn't tidying it up at that moment. I remember this leaving a small cut on my foot. (Which makes me feel again that it's my fault, but I was a child, children do things like that.)
I remember him always just being mad angry, so easily.
I remember him treating my mum really badly, being so demeaning and insulting to her and her family and me having to listen to that.
I remember him just getting into foul moods and you'd know someone would end up getting the brunt of it.
I remember him not passing on calls deliberately when my best friend phoned. He'd tell her I couldn't come to the phone, hang up and then never inform me she called. He didn't want me being friends with her so he always tried to talk me out of our friendship. I also wasn't allowed to stay over at her house because he decided their family were alcoholics and not to be trusted. This is the friend who's laptop got thrown down the stairs in a fit of rage because we were 13, having a sleepover and were a little noisy heading out to go downstairs. But he thought it was my laptop because I was holding it. He didn't seem to have a legit reason for disliking my friend.
I don't remember a lot of what happened I just know that it did. Like how horrible he would be when arguing and the fact he always had to win.
My door was literally knocked off the hinges one time because I locked myself in my room after running away from him. My parents had to lie to the council to get the door fixed.
I've ran out the house taking panic attacks before when he chased me up the stairs. One time I walked halfway to my boyfriends house with no shoes on.
My parents never, ever got me help for my social anxiety, which was/is so severe that a teacher even made a point of telling them at parents night but my dad used it against me to win an argument once by saying "You can't even talk to people" which was incredibly hurtful because it was true but he was spitting it out like that made me useless, when I was already insecure enough and it was probably his fault that I had these issues.
Talking of parents night, when I got a good report he used to start on me for acting all good at school when I'm bad at home. Having a good report wasn't something to be praised for, it was an opportunity to attack me for living a lie, pretending I'm a nice girl at school all day.
The way he treated me it was like he absolutely * hated me.
There was no love in the relationship either. I used to notice how my friends dads were completely different. I knew from a young age that I didn't have the best dad. That sounds so hurtful but that's the way I thought of it in my head- I have the best mum but I know I've not got the best dad. Because he didn't care about me. He wasn't a father. I mean, it used to really gross me out when I saw people on TV being close to their dads. It was so foreign to me and I actually found it disgusting. Like I didn't want to see that I thought it was EW. I know that's messed up.
He would make violent threats too, I remember that. I don't remember the exact wording but it was basically murder threats, although they were used to express anger and not so much a promise that I would be murdered.
Yeah, so I've convinced myself that the abuse was "bad enough" already without asking. I wish I didn't still live here because I want to cut myself off and start afresh where I feel safe. Dredging up these memories doesn't lead to me feeling safe here and my parents still argue a lot which I find horribly triggering. It either makes me really uncontrollably angry or kind of zone out and have a breakdown.
I talk to my mum about my mental health but there's only so much I can tell her because of how to blame my parents are. I know that talking it out is absolutely futile. She already picked staying with him over me when I refused to come home and ended up homeless. I see where her feelings lie on the matter. She'd probably be, on some level, annoyed that I can't just move on and bury my head in the sand like she does. (I love my mum, she just puts up with a lot of things that she shouldn't have.)
I'm finding functioning and having a work life so hard. I'm basically just in survival mode and I'll have to stay like this for quite a bit longer. I need to save up money before I can move out. And I'm not sure I should even be dealing with my memories whilst I still live with my family. I'm not sure what to do.

I'm only recently coming to terms with the fact that I seem to have C-PTSD. I fit the criteria pretty much perfectly and I've had the life experience to back that up. I knew I had social anxiety but now I understand more what it's rooted in.
I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to recover because it's so, so lonely when you can't fit in with people and make new friends. I believe people hate me and think I'm a weirdo / freak when they don't. Like my social anxiety keeps getting proven wrong recently because these people don't hate me and they keep showing that, but I've had so many bad experiences what with bullying and abuse that it's like I have a default understanding of what people think of me.
Even when people prove they don't hate me it doesn't take long till my head is back to finding reasons why they must.
I want to get better. I want to stop feeling like I'm separated from other people by this thick veil. I want to make connections and not be sitting wanting to die every day I go to work because I can't handle the pressure that the need to socialise brings. I want to make new friends and be happy.
My life isn't really that bad, it's actually really pretty good now! But I'm struggling so much to enjoy it because of the way my past has affected me.
I haven't told my doctor that I think I have PTSD. I'm not sure they'll be much use because they're usually not too urgent (like I've told them I'm suicidal and all that's happened is I've been given pills and a charity counselling number?) So idk what to do.
I just don't want to be isolating myself from other people forever.
I have this strong desire to connect to other people. I feel truly happy when I begin to be able to but it tends not to last because of anxiety taking over. Will I be this way forever? What can I do to make it better? I just want to be able to talk to people without the terror of thinking they will hate me / I'll * up and my body shaking, heart racing etc. Social anxiety sucks.