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Messages - samantha19

#16
Looking back Sceal, I agree - it seems being less in denial about things breaks you out of it massively. I've recently had a bit of a breakthrough, like I've started fully believing myself and accepting my memories and allowing myself to be really angry at how I was treated and see it as wrong. I honestly feel real, centered, like me again for the first time in God knows how long. It's not necessarily so pleasant though, being fully aware of the situation brings up a lot of issues - I now wish I could be no contact or low contact (with 1 parent) with boundaries respected (unlikely). I'm also now no longer distanced from the reality of my little brother living in that house, with them as who they are / were (probably still are). I feel like I've started properly grieving for all those years I lost, and that's a lot. I feel like my life got stolen away from me when I was still a child and now I'm an adult, and it's like I'm grieving for that child. But I feel pushed forward in a lot of ways too. It feels liberating. It's like I was in denial of myself and my own experiences and now I'm finally back?
I really feel like I've got a part of / a lot of me back. And that's f-ing awesome, and it's helping and I feel (mostly) real again holy heck yay! But that part of me is also really quite angry, scared and so so so hurt and upset.
Tbh though, there's some things I need to process. If not now, when? It takes time and I feel like I need to go from A to B on this one, actually process it, so I can move forward in some sense at least (and honour my own right to feel things fgs).

As a note: I think getting distance from my FOO, feeling safer in my present life (job security, nice flat, good friends) and allowing myself to journal, believe myself and be angry is largely what helped.

And thank you, Ah. It means a lot.
Yeah, it sucks. It really does.

All the best in your recoveries, both.

#17
I am wondering if anyone is receiving help on the NHS for complex PTSD and would be able to help me understand something.

I was mistakenly referred to a domestic violence group for counsellings by the NHS a while back and it turned out they couldn't help me. I shared that I related to the diagnosis of Complex PTSD and the woman told me that I wouldn't have that, that the people diagnosed with that were the women who turned up to A&E after being severely physically assaulted by their husbands. She said sometimes people will look for places to fit on the Internet, implying this was what I had done.

TW

Thing is, the NHS website states that Complex PTSD can be caused by prolonged periods of abuse, neglect or violence. So that says to me that even neglect alone can be a cause so she was wrong to dismiss me like that. I was physically abused as a child repeatedly, but never bruised as far as I can remember. I did genuinely fear for my life at least one however, was chased upstairs and had my door battered down so it came off the hinges one time when I locked myself in my room out of fear. I also have a memory which involves a large shelving unit being thrown down as my dad trashed my room. There's a memory of me having a very small cut on my foot from this. My memories are hard to put together though so I'm not 100% sure, but I think that the cut happened. I'm just confused as to why I didn't show my mum if that happened, because my other memories involve me not telling anyone because of no physical evidence. My memories are really hard to piece together and put in a time line. I was pretty young and I'm now 21. They were always hard to relay though, I think I dissociated a bit during some of them.
I was also neglected, sometimes not eating breakfast or lunch and having to walk to the supermarket to feed myself because there was no food in the house, etc. My asking for food to be bought in was seen as me moaning and complaining, a bother. I was verbally and emotionally abused, called thick (meaning stupid) a lot in rages, told off for pretending to be a nice girl at school after parents evening, it was implied I was crazy and I was laughed at / scorned for taking a panic attack over being terrified of my dad, I was sneered at for my social anxiety, I was told I couldn't trust my own memory, I was threatened with being strangled and things, threatened with homelessness, etc, etc, etc.

I feel I am traumatized. I have a lot of the signs and symptoms. I have never felt more understood than when I read Pete Walkers book , From Surviving to Thriving.

I brought up this dismissal to a psychology worker in the NHS afterwards, anyway, and she agreed with the woman who dismissed me. I felt this was wrong because she hadn't even asked much about my life experience or my symptoms, she had only just met me that hour. I think she just automatically agreed the professional woman was probably right because you'd think she'd know better. Idk.

Anyway, I feel I am traumatized and I want the relevant treatment.

I am wondering if my abusive experience is bad enough to be considered a cause for C-PTSD on the NHS? Or is it not?

I haven't even shared everything that happened. There was also threats of abandonment, control that tried to stop my friendship with my best friend (lying I wasn't home when she phoned, not allowing me to stay at hers because "her parents are alcoholics", etc.), my dad also once smashed this friends laptop into pieces in front of us when we were 13, because he was angry and thought it was my laptop. Fun times. Probably loads more too.

When I've done tests online I score for PTSD. I don't get visual flashbacks but I do regularly experience the symptoms of emotional flashbacks. Also hear "get off of me" sometimes in my head, but I am wary I may have created that more recently. It's not so intrusive, just a thought that sometimes accompanies all the other things when triggered.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced help with the NHS for trauma based on this level of abuse, or if I need to have been physically abused more to qualify? Also, do I need to have visual flashbacks? I'm worried of asking for help and being dismissed in a similar way again, because it really did feel horrible and I don't want to feel that again.
#18
Recovery Journals / Re: Samantha's Journal
October 13, 2017, 10:38:40 PM
My mum really doesn't behave great either. I once criticised her treatment of my brother and Her response way to say maybe she should just kill herself, which was very manipulative I think. Like I make a criticism of her treatment of my brother and she acts so hurt by it that she makes out it makes her want to kill herself. I think that was designed to hurt me. It certainly did, but it also made me unable to criticise again. That's control, isn't it? I think so.

I find it really hard to believe my mum would do bad things. I don't feel like I don't love my mum.

It makes me very confused when I don't suppress the abusive things.

I am still struggling to trust these memories.

It's like there's two stories - happy families and not happy families. What's real? What's fake?

My mum also told me she was going to leave us all after Christmas once when I was younger. I guess the idea was that she was sick of us all.

These memories aren't clear to me. They're a part of my story, growing up, like the primary school I went to or whatever. Facts. Old facts from the past.

She used to tell me she was going to leave him, sometimes, this was it she had enough - but she never did.

And she's always been one for the gaslighting. One of the times was one of the most horrible experiences of my life - crying and begging to be believed, taken seriously. But no I had my mum and her friend ganging up on me as I howled, saying things like "my dad hit me too, it's normal" and "you remember being kicked at the bottom of the stairs after he threw [friends names] laptop down the stairs, but you werent kicked". That last one is my favourite because she's trying to deny the ahuse whilst admitting the memory of my dad destroying my friends laptop when we were both 13 is true. As if that isn't abusive?

Like God, that crap is horrible. I'd not long started high school. I was trying to have friends and be normal.

That's not the only friend he acted badly in front of. I remember another (quite nasty) friend told other girls in school about the way my dad was shouting at me / talking to me when she came to visit.

You become ashamed of having a bad parent. As if it's something to do with you, as if you had a choice in the matter.

My feelings are very raw.

I'm not sure how to deal with this.

I'll get by, I mean, I will. It's just sitting with it. It's not so fun.
#19
Recovery Journals / Re: Samantha's Journal
October 13, 2017, 10:22:26 PM
Things are coming up again.

I want to know what's true because I am full of doubt and - I feel - covering over (old wounds).

I don't get it.

I have memories and beliefs about my past, to do with how I was treated as a child. But I've been told it's normal for parents to hit their chuldren and my own mum told me I can't trust my own memory. Why would my mum say that to me? Why is she like, covertly nasty? Is she delusional? I do not understand why she would do this kind of thing.

I don't fecking get it.

I'm scared / concerned because if all my memories are true I wonder why did the abuse stop? I think maybe I became too verbal and grown up and in control, maybe? It stopped (mostly) after I ran away and tried to tell other people and defend myself about it at 18 years old. After then it was different.
I worry that my little brother is treated badly too. My dad goes on about how my little brother is too sensitive and things. They constantly are annoyed with him and treat him like he's just bad in a way. It bothers me to be around them because of this. It's painful to experience. Had to tell my mum to go away / give us a break because she's just ready to jump when he seems to have done something wrong and give him into trouble.
I'll admit, being a child he is at the wind up sometimes and a bit of a pest, but like that's children for you. I just feel like they more treat it like he's bad, over his behaviour. I think the same thing probably happened with me.

What can I do about it, though? My memory is that when my dad hit me he didn't leave bruises. There's never any evidence, is there? And I don't tend to be believed as a witness. Lol, understatement (although I think maybe they do believe me, that's the problem. Easier to shut me up).
I feel quite powerless and like id look crazy. See, my parents act nice to me now, play happy families.
I have worried many times that I am getting the fake face my dad would give to others. Like he could be hurling abuse at me then someone would turn up to visit and it would be like a light switch - all smiles and laughing and pleasant, we're all happy families here.

I've been told that it's normal for a parent to hit their child, but if it is I don't think it should be and I don't think what happened to me was normal. It wasn't one off's. It was a continued way of being treated I think.

My memories are things like having tall furniture thrown across the floor in my room, fearing for my life up against a wall, my friends laptop being smashed when we were 13 by my dad cause he was angry with me and he thought it was my laptop, my bedroom door being knocked off the hinges because I locked myself in to get away from him, being so terrified from being chased upstairs that I ran out the house in my socks and he made fun of me and mocked me for panicking - like I was just so crazy and overreacting.

These memories are kind of put to the side usually. Having them open, here, changes a lot of things in the present and that's very uncomfortable.

If I accept I was quite severely abused by my parents, how can I be friendly and fake nice with them, if I care about myself enough to live in truth?

If I accept the way they treated me how can I turn a blind eye to their treatment of my little brother? But like what the * can I really do about it anyway? There's so much gaslighting and shifting of blame. He's too sensitive and I was crazy, irrational, over reacting, shouldn't trust my own memory.

I'm trying to honour my memories and believes but having them here isn't comfortable at all. It's really not. It's the kind of thing you want to push down and down and never deal with again. Way too damn horrible. Had enough of dealing with that for a lifetime.
But that's not healthy, is it? It's like lying to yourself and things. It's the opposite of integration.

I feel horrible over all of this. It feels like problems without solutions. And I feel guilty and scared for my little brother.

Maybe it's not so bad for him. I don't know. How can I really know?

#20
Recovery Journals / Re: Samantha's Journal
October 12, 2017, 05:54:07 PM
Baaaad flashback feelings this afternoon and inner critic stuff. It's been telling me that certain people don't like me, but then those people are kind to me afterwards and I realise they still do like me. It's a really great feeling, that relief. I know I shouldn't feel relieved. Anyway, I'm just glad and grateful that people are kind and nice and friendly to me. It makes such a difference when my brain is full of crap.
Such a little thing to be grateful for, but it means a lot given my circumstance.
The inner critic is so wrong. I wish I could shut it up when triggered but I feel split. Sure, there's a logical part saying they probably don't hate me but there's also the part that feels so full of shame and utterly hated. I feel split tbh. A person who is fragmented. There's me - sensible, rational real me, now me. Then there's bullied me, abused me, terrified me, ashamed me.

I'm not sure how to fix this sort of thing. I wish the flashbacks and stuff would stop, or I at least had an effective plan of action to combat them.

I guess I should make or find one (through therapy or w/e).

I ought to get better. Life can be better than this. It always ️can be, right?

Still glad I never smoked or drank today. Not having my ID at work probably saved me lol. Almost caved due to flashback. Will be deliberately not taking my ID out with me until I'm through the physical withdrawl.

Still, proud I've quit smoking. Yay!
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Samantha's Journal
October 12, 2017, 11:37:45 AM
So I didn't last long quitting smoking last time but now I'm on day 11 of my current attempt. I am very determined this time.

I feel things a lot more - all emotions. I do feel better tbh but less of a "smoke screen" between me and my feelings / experience of life. This means the good and the bad.

I've been feeling bothered recently by the unfairness of my circumstance. I was abused and neglected, my childhood was quite horrible, so a part of me feels I deserve an adulthood even better than the normal to make up for it. Silly, right? But the feelings there.
It bothers me that my adulthood is negatively affected when I already went through the bad childhood.
This is the part of me that wants full recovery or not to try at all.
Silly. I know.
It's just still affecting me and that's annoying. Still socially anxious, still affecting my job.
I'm smart, I am, but my productivity is held back Sooo much by my worries, mental distractions and social anxiety over asking questions.
I know I could be a lot better, if it wasn't for this.

Still, dwelling on the unfairness of it all, what does it achieve? Absolutely nothing.

I crave escape. Smoking wasn't really about cigarettes, it was about the escape, the suppression. Now I've cut smoking out as an option I'm thinking of having wild nights out and craving that form of escape. Anything to escape, feel belonging, dull the grief of it all.

I want to work on getting better. It's the logical thing to do.

Some things are coming back to me more. I had two dreams recently. One I was being spoken down to with that mocking tone by a parent when you can tell they're enjoying it in a way, scorning you. I wasn't able to get a word in to defend myself, he raised his voice over mine. He mocked me. I don't believe this is one memory but a dream from a feeling / group of experiences. The way I was treated.

I also had a dream where I confronted my mum because in the dream I saw her treating my younger brother with negativity and distain constantly every day. I was trying to explain from his perspective , a child, hearing those kind of words at him constantly and being treated with distain constantly that would be his overall experience of life with them and it would go in somewhere deeper, it wouldn't feel good either. Then I dreamt some weird things that seemed to symbolise old programming leaving my body. Bit weird, but cool tbh. My dreams are really vivid recently. I think this dream was about me talking about my experiences really. I was a child who was treated like that. So in the dream I was trying to explain, as the adult I am now; why that hurts and isn't healthy, isn't good. So maybe it felt like letting something go, a slight resolution.

You know what? I'm really glad that I'm not continuing the cycle. That's good, right? I'm not an abuser and I'm not a victim anymore.

I'm very glad that, at least, this cycle ends here.

#22
This site really helps. I read another post on here and it described exactly what I was feeling. I read something about you needing to come back into yourself / reintegrate. I done the sensory things - touch something nearby, look at things, that sort of thing. Then I started crying and realised I'm very upset about something that happened recently and scared of losing someone who means a lot to me.
I'm dealing with some really big things right now, so it's almost funny how in denial / dissociated I was. Like knowing I'm stressed / anxious but not entirely sure why, when there's something big and obvious going on in my life right now that would upset anyone. Now I know why. I feel a bit more real, still a bit detached but I see why now. Something to work on.

Better to feel sad than to not feel at all anyway.
#23
AV - Avoidance / Re: Disassociation?
September 24, 2017, 08:24:11 PM
Wow I just made a post about this kind of thing and reading this is so similar to what I'm experiencing - derealization. Welp this sucks. I suppose at least I can say this is a symptom and understand why it's happening. It will pass.
#24
One of the scariest symtoms of my mental illness recently has been feeling detached from the world around me, just from life really. I don't even entirely know how to describe it, I just feel a bit outside of it.
Like, I know I can feel different from this and involved in life - thinking about my current life, friends, goals - just feeling involved. But a lot of the time, especially recently, I just don't feel connected.
I want to feel connected again. I'm not sure how to fix this. I probably just really need therapy. I'm planning to get it at some point.
I think this is maybe like dissociation. I am feeling very anxious and on edge recently - my sleep has been disrupted a lot and I'm jumpy over little things - like recently a tap dripping and also having intense panic over lights flickering. So I can see that maybe with all my stress / anxiety recently it might make sense for me to dissociate.
It's just quite intense, not really feeling like me - like I do things but I almost feel like I'm watching myself / outside of myself a little bit. Being around other people mostly works as a distraction but it doesn't necessarily connect me again.
Is this a thing people experience? It's really scary tbh. Any way to deal with it, or do I just need to properly start healing from trauma altogether to fix these things?
It feels like life isn't real to me sometimes and that's scary because that feels like losing control to me - like my perception of reality is obviously falling apart a little bit. It's like there's a part of me that's doubting the reality of life or something. It's scaring me and I'm aware that it's a shame to ruin my life like this, in a sense. I want to be more present and feel things and feel like an active participant in my life. Cause I think I've been like this for quite a while, I don't want to feel like I'm not really living much of my life - cause my consciousness isn't so present in it.
I do remember it stopping when I started anti depressants a while back, but I'm quite uncomfortable with medication personally :/ idk. Not sure what to do.
Something I'm trying to fix myself but not really sure how to.
Should really get proper psychiatric help if I can :/!!
Mindfulness / Bhuddist teachings helped for a bit recently, really helped!, but the other day I just got back like this again, and I don't really know how to fix it :/

Totally just rambling here.
#25
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three good things a day
September 12, 2017, 02:46:25 PM
I recieved so much support and kindess during some hours of terror I experienced early hours of this morning.
I have managed to go into work despite my lack of sleep and I have made some progress on my task - which is far better than nothing.
My sandwiches today were really good lol
#26
I used to feel this so badly. I wrote many posts on here about loneliness and feeling like I'd never be able to be with someone again - because I kept cutting off connections due to fears and anxieties.
I just wanted to say that it can get better, even after it feels impossible, because I finally got there and I'm with a guy who is so lovely and who I'm actually attracted to and in love with.
It took me years to get here. Just wanted to add a reminder that your past or your now is not your forever. It's something I wish I could tell my past self.
You're already working on the things that are holding you back so that's really good.
My only other advise would be to not settle for less than you deserve (you deserve true love and kindness). And if you need more time to work on your recovery you can take it; there's always more opportunities coming :-)
Wishing you all the best in your recovery <3

Also, maybe feeling unconventional or different is part of the inner critic. I get that too sometimes, but less now. Everyone is different. Everyone has gifts and I bet you have a whole lot of worth and are just struggling to see it.
#27
Sleep Issues / Sleep terror then terrified of boyfriend
September 12, 2017, 10:53:16 AM
I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience to what I have.
Last night I had a sleep terror for the second time (an autonomic nervous system reaction from extreme terror. Affected person sits upright, eyes open, screaming but still unconscious).
The first time I attributed it to circumstance - overworked, stressed, terrible sleeping pattern and loud music woke me up startling me.
But it happened again and this time all my boyfriend did was move in bed and maybe nudge me or something by accident. I was screaming again but this time I associated him with being what I was afraid of when I became consious and it genuinelly took over an hour before I could sit next to him again.
He was really amazingly kind and spoke to me all night to try and reassure me, but for about 3 hours straight I felt pretty terrified (of him). I felt dissociative at times and like I didn't truly recognise him or remember clearly who he was / our past. I had this feeling like he was going to shapeshift into something awful or he was an imposter.
I'm not sure if this is a flashback or not. It might just have been pure terror.
Reading up on sleep terrors I get the impression that people generally go back to sleep, so me being absolutely terrified of my boyfriend for hours after seems abnormal.
I'd to tell him to stop talking sometimes and not make eye contact with me and things when he was trying to calm me down for like 3 hours. It was pure terror. I've never felt so out of control before.
I'm now terrified of sleeping incase I feel that terror again. This means I'm at work today on 2 hours sleep (as is my ridiculously kind to me boyfriend).
I was also scared of leaving my room until it became daylight, despite being very thirsty.
I watched a horror show before bed so maybe part of it, but it didn't seem so scary to me and I've saw it before.
I'll be seeing a doctor next week, just thought I'd post here too.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Samantha's Journal
July 27, 2017, 11:36:09 PM
One of the hardest parts of quitting smoking is directly tied in with my abuse. I justify my addictive behaviors by saying "well, I've been through a lot and it all just gets a bit much. It's not my fault" or whatever.
I think I accepted that I'm a statistic. Maybe I cling to it a little bit as an excuse. Idk. Maybe it is an excuse. It is to an extent. It certainly makes life harder and thus addictions easier to fall into. But I don't need to smoke. I'd be better off without it. It's just defeatist to think and act otherwise. Self-destruction through self-abandonment, because "I'm already broken, so what's the point in trying?"
It's ridiculous. It's silly. Just another excuse, battling its way through.
Addiction is tough.

I also keep wondering how I'm going to cope, and if I'm someone who will always be addicted to something. I mean I'm like that, I've always been like that.

It started with self-harm but there were other outlets. Anything to escape. I numbed myself with television and excessive Internet / phone use at times too. I've been addicted to an abusive relationship. All sorts of addictive behaviors, because it's not really about the substance, is it? No, it's about the escape.

At least on some level. I can't deny a lot of this right now is physical withdrawal and about losing my daily habit - the routine, the motivation to do things, the breaking up every day into separate pieces, the outlet for anger and sadness and reflection and everything else.

But I don't want to choose to be broken, because it is my choice now.

My mum was an addict, to the same drug, the same brand of cigarettes even. She was abused and she lived unhappy and depressed and controlled in her adult life - by addiction, her own misery and her abusive relationship / marriage. When does it end? I want to be different. I don't want the suffering to continue through to me - the next generation.

I think we live in a sick and unhappy world and i don't want to be sick and unhappy too - at least as much as I can help it.

I'm doing well, end of day 6 - that's approx 60 cigarettes I have not smoked. What a relief really! My lungs will be recovering. I can be fitter and healthier again. The amount of money I'll be saving is stupendous, it really is.

The thing is, nicotine really has been my crutch. Anything that goes wrong, I'll smoke to deal with it. It doesn't go away? Oh, better chain smoke! Now, I feel like I'm exposed. My mental illness will strike and I don't have a buffer. It strikes all the time really, but I deal with it through my addiction. It feels like my mental illness, when triggered, is a tumbling pile of terror and smoking stops it in its tracks, but now nothing will be there to stop it, so how am I going to survive?

That's stupid though. It's ridiculous and I know it is. Smoking doesn't really help, it's an illusion of sorts. It gives me a break sure, something to focus on for 5 - 10 minutes, like if I'm freaking out at work. But there are other ways to take breaks, I could practice mindfulness, do a puzzle, go a walk ... any number of things. I Just need to find those other things.

But really, without a buffer, it forces me to deal with my issues. Because now I can't smoke every time my inner critic goes crazy, I'm going to need to work on turning that angry little man down.  :)
I'm going to need to work on all the things that recovery entails, without just relying on smoking or whatever else to blot out the pain, all the while perpetuating my own suffering by not or barely actively working on getting better.

I'm proud I've managed to do this, anyway. It's not been easy. I must stay strong!
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Samantha's Journal
July 27, 2017, 02:04:53 PM
Day 6 of quitting smoking today. Second longest I've went since I became, like, properly addicted.

God it's hard. It just seems to get harder. It's like so many cells in my body are actually screaming out for nicotine.

My anxiety has skyrocketed. I'm not really going out. I seem to even be scared of that.

I feel a bit numb, depressed. Mental illness is worse.

I also feel so much less dissociated sometimes, more connected, happy.
I also have my sense of smell back and food tastes better.
I've also saved approx £25.50 so far which is a ridiculous amount, especially when I am so skint.

I think I use(d) cigarettes as a mask for all the suffering I feel inside.

I'm not sure how to deal with that alone. It was always just avoid, push down, go on. But not anymore!

Really tough this. But the rewards are set to be amazing. I just need to get through. I am feeling very determined.

I don't care how much it hurts just now, addiction hurts worse.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Samantha's Journal
July 18, 2017, 12:22:19 PM
So I got out of the flashback eventually, it took a while but I got there. I feel the flashback done me some good - it was an indication of things I need to acknowledge and needs I need to have met.
I've realised some things recently. The main one is that my dad was my primary caregiver for much of my life growing up. That's when it was really bad, as I remember, for my mum was at work till later and he could physically abuse me or whatever without anyone being there to witness it.
It just never seemed to dawn on me before that the extremely abusive parent was my primary "care"-giver. I never really thought about it, but that's pretty bad isn't it? Growing up, from end of primary school to end of high school the adult in charge of me was my abusive, very neglectful dad. I'm only acknowledging this after thinking about the neglect recently, because I was massively neglected by him, but I never had expectations of anything different. My only wish was that my mum would divorce him. I'd even largely given up on the hope that his attacking me would stop.
I think I never realised it before because he was so absent when he wasn't abusing me, so I saw my mum as my primary caregiver, but physically she was there less as she worked full time.
It's weird but this is a revelation for me.
I'm starting to reflect on my childhood from an adults perspective. It's making me realise more how bad it was and why it damaged me so much. Because I know what children need, and not only were those needs not met but I recieved so much abuse and rejection too, I was treated with bare faced hate - from my dad. Someone who's supposed to love me. Family are supposed to protect you but mine were the enemy. I needed protecting from them.
I plan to write more about this later as I am pretty busy for now. Just noting this down cause it was on my mind.