Looking back Sceal, I agree - it seems being less in denial about things breaks you out of it massively. I've recently had a bit of a breakthrough, like I've started fully believing myself and accepting my memories and allowing myself to be really angry at how I was treated and see it as wrong. I honestly feel real, centered, like me again for the first time in God knows how long. It's not necessarily so pleasant though, being fully aware of the situation brings up a lot of issues - I now wish I could be no contact or low contact (with 1 parent) with boundaries respected (unlikely). I'm also now no longer distanced from the reality of my little brother living in that house, with them as who they are / were (probably still are). I feel like I've started properly grieving for all those years I lost, and that's a lot. I feel like my life got stolen away from me when I was still a child and now I'm an adult, and it's like I'm grieving for that child. But I feel pushed forward in a lot of ways too. It feels liberating. It's like I was in denial of myself and my own experiences and now I'm finally back?
I really feel like I've got a part of / a lot of me back. And that's f-ing awesome, and it's helping and I feel (mostly) real again holy heck yay! But that part of me is also really quite angry, scared and so so so hurt and upset.
Tbh though, there's some things I need to process. If not now, when? It takes time and I feel like I need to go from A to B on this one, actually process it, so I can move forward in some sense at least (and honour my own right to feel things fgs).
As a note: I think getting distance from my FOO, feeling safer in my present life (job security, nice flat, good friends) and allowing myself to journal, believe myself and be angry is largely what helped.
And thank you, Ah. It means a lot.
Yeah, it sucks. It really does.
All the best in your recoveries, both.
I really feel like I've got a part of / a lot of me back. And that's f-ing awesome, and it's helping and I feel (mostly) real again holy heck yay! But that part of me is also really quite angry, scared and so so so hurt and upset.
Tbh though, there's some things I need to process. If not now, when? It takes time and I feel like I need to go from A to B on this one, actually process it, so I can move forward in some sense at least (and honour my own right to feel things fgs).
As a note: I think getting distance from my FOO, feeling safer in my present life (job security, nice flat, good friends) and allowing myself to journal, believe myself and be angry is largely what helped.
And thank you, Ah. It means a lot.
Yeah, it sucks. It really does.
All the best in your recoveries, both.