Messages

NotAlone, reaching to the hotlines can always be so scary. Especially the hold times! Last time I reached out I was on hold for about 30 minutes D:> Fortunately this time I was able to get through in 5ish.

Several years ago I slowly took myself off the generic version of Lexapro. The side affects were horrible and lasted for months. It would probably be hard to distinguish, but I'm wondering if some of what you are going through is because of that.

I think the Lexapro (I am also on the generic version, I can just never spell it right haha) is responsible for the intensity of what I'm feeling. It feels distinctly different to me than when I experience these things without medication in the mix. In 2020 I tried 3 SSRIs and each has given me the same awful emotional side effects peaking in intensity at around 4 weeks of the maintenance dose - they have never subsided like my psychiatrist said they would 
Fortunately, I had only been on the generic Lexapro for around 6 weeks so I am hopeful that the withdrawal phase will not last too long.

I am glad I'm not alone with the side effects, but I feel bad that you've had to go through this too, sending warm hugs if that's okay 

Marta, the warm drink is just what I needed! That was the first thing I wanted this morning and made me smile when I read your comment as I was drinking the tea
Last night was really tough, I spent a lot of time on aromatherapy and meditation to try to sleep. I think the meditation was helpful to calm my thoughts. The aromatherapy is always grounding, I have been using the same scent for 3 years now which I think helps my brain know that it's time for emotional calm. Calling the hotline also helped, it felt good to be heard. I even got 3ish hours of sleep!

Thank you so much for responding and checking in on me, it means a lot to me 

[1/18/2021]

Sanmagic, I really like the idea of squeezing your hand, thank you so so much. No one has ever given me a tool like that before. It helps me to feel less alone 
Dollyvee, thank you so much for the warm hug and understanding about challenges at home 


1/18/2021
Called the suicide hotline tonight. It's been about 1.5 years since I last called. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I'm glad I called. I really needed to talk to someone. Really anxious that police will show up at my door (this is what happened in the past). Have therapy in a few hours, hopefully will be able to sleep. I'm ravenous now. I know it's the cortisol. Maybe eating will help me feel sleepy. Feeling pretty bleak and hopeless. I don't want to hurt myself, but I am having intrusive thoughts and passive thoughts about suicide/how hard life is/if my life will ever be good. Not sure I am actually recovering or if I am just tricking myself. Gonna go eat though and try to sleep. No sleep-hallucinations last night so I am cautiously hopeful for tonight.

I am having a really hard time tonight. I have been coming off an SSRI. I wish someone in my life understood how I feel. Or saw how deep my pain actually is. I feel like it's a bottomless pit.

I don't want to have to see my abusers every day. I don't want to be here with my FOO. That thought of "I don't want to be here" is a trigger for my CPTSD symptoms and I feel so trapped in destructive thought patterns that I have worked so hard to break free from.

I feel like I am trapped here with FOO and I feel like there is no hope of me getting better if I stay here but I do not know how to leave. I have nowhere else to go right now. I've been so scared of this ever since I had to leave my job and move in with my S. I just knew, somehow, that I would end up living with my FOO again, and here I am. No options but living with FOO again. I guess I don't feel safe here because they never kept me safe when I was little. I just wish I knew how to get better. It really, really hurts.

I have therapy tomorrow morning so that will be good, too. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I'm so grateful for OOTS.

I feel so much worse when I am feeling trapped in a situation. I feel like it reminds me that I am trapped in unbearable pain that I did not choose for myself and that I was powerless to stop. I desperately want to get better, I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish that my brain would help me out and give me better solutions. I want to feel better. Even dissociation would be preferable to the overwhelming feeling that my life is not right. At least then I feel like it's not my life and that's somehow better. *sighs* I don't know. I am going to try to do something calming (again).

Lostgirl, I apologize that my response is months late. I also self harm (SH). I used to do it quite frequently. This was my coping mechanism for when I was spiraling out into dangerous territory involving suicidal ideation. I would use SH to deal with the overwhelming frustration of being alive and in so much pain. I believe I did this to keep myself from committing suicide. I do believe SH is a part of CPTSD. I have greatly reduced my SH after a year of trauma-focused therapy, this is why I believe SH is a part of CPTSD.

I also feel like completely different people when I am in these states of mind, especially after I SH and I must clean myself up. My head feels so much more clear and I can barely remember the raging storm that had been clouding my mind and leading me down a dangerous path.
OOTS has helped me learn about Internal Family Systems (IFS), which gave me a lightbulb moment as to why I feel like completely different people when I SH. IFS also helped me understand that perhaps SH was a way to keep myself "safer" than permanently ending my life. That the part of me who SH is trying to help me release the unbearable pain in a way that will keep me alive.

It sounds like you are putting in a lot of hard work with your trauma therapist. I can tell you are in distress, especially over hurting your loved ones and I really feel for you. You are not a bad person for struggling, and you deserve to heal and lead the life that you want to live. How are things going for you now?

I got TWO responses from a group of 19 people, they were hearts on my comment. Maybe I'm being unfair, selfish, and self-pitying, but that hurt.  I would have liked for at least someone to say, "Thank you for being concerned." ... I wonder if we're just more comfortable offering our thoughts to the sick than we are to those who are emotionally hurting.

I wonder, too, if people are just uncomfortable when I talk about dealing with depression. Is it me? Are people just tired of my "what about me?" attitude that I fear I'm projecting? 

Alliematt, I don't think it is unfair, selfish or self-pitying to feel hurt by the group's response. I think you were very brave and compassionate to reach out to them and offer a safe place for them to talk. I'm so sorry that they have let you down, I can see how that would be hurtful :c
I agree with your thought that people are more comfortable offering concern to those with physical illness rather than discussing emotional hurt - especially when it comes to depression. I do not think it is "you" at all. More of a cultural thing in my humble opinion.

And why do I feel like I have to do all of this alone?

We're here with you on OOTS!! I hope it's not too intrusive to say: please think of us if you ever feel terribly alone. I know it's not a replacement for your other relationships, but we see you and hear you. Sending you a hug if that's okay with you 

Blueberry, what an ordeal with that "breeder"!!! So glad that you won and are providing a nurturing and loving home for the furry dears. The pawbath made me smile

I agree with Sanmagic that you've done a great job with everything over the past few days, especially since you wrote that you felt less triggered today. In my humble opinion, taking a break when things are piling up is very important - I think you are very wise to keep that NTS. I think taking breaks also reflects patience with self, so great job

Cheering you on with your household tasks 

It's been like I've got quite a critical impatient part who is annoyed by things, and I'm trying to accommodate and allow that part to stay with me, and not dismiss them or fight them, because I know they mean well.  I'm trying to get to know that part a bit - just in terms of sitting alongside that part, whilst it's blended with me. 

I wonder if that part came and blended with me because I was sitting with my emotions more yesterday and therefore the critical part is needing to be here today, because she thinks that I've come too close to my emotions.

Hope, thank you so much for sharing this with us. A lot of what you've written really resonated with me, especially the part that I quoted above. I am trying to understand myself as parts according to the IFS theory and have been noticing a critical part of me as well. I like what you have written about sitting alongside that part and that they mean well. It feels very important to me to remind myself that the parts mean well. You write with such wisdom about the parts of yourself 

Really great job of sitting with your emotions and feeling curious, I agree with you that it is a healing step!!

Whereas I seemed 'blind' or 'unaware' of so many things that I was living with, that weren't right.  But I didn't know any different, I was a very young child and and even when older, I just felt like I had to cope with and handle everything.

"Just be kind to yourself" comes to my mind.  I have a right to live on this earth and be happy in my life.  Just because I grew up in a toxic environment, doesn't mean I have to re-live that legacy.  I can consider and process my feelings and thoughts about it, as and when they surface and I can choose how to live in the present.  I am safe now."

I really like these affirmations! I agree with you and Sanmagic that we deserve to be here and deserve to have good lives. Feeling very safe/seen and more positive after reading your journal, thank you for writing 

Sanmagic, it sounds like you are making great strides to feel safer between the visualization of steel support rods and using your comfy chair.
Very very happy to hear you felt more comfortable taking the day to yourself
Cheering you on for the use of the tools you've developed and because you wrote that you will be working on the narc box so I am sending you much support for that endeavor 

[1/15/2021]

Dollyvee, thank you for the article! It was very insightful. I did not see your response in time for my appointment but I think I will bring this up next visit.


1/15/2021
The appointment went pretty well. She listened to me and did not pressure me into taking a new medicine. We did agree to check back in 2 weeks to evaluate if I want to take the new medicine. A little confused because I am doing well on the Mirtazapine, rTMS and therapy so I feel like I don't really need another medicine, but I guess psychiatrists are gonna want to prescribe meds.

More turmoil at home. F is finally sober and wants to be friendly towards me but I have no interest. B is going to lose his job and cause even more stress on M. I think I will be sleeping early tonight to try and escape some of this.

Having a lot of trouble accessing my emotions. Still feeling the effects of Lexapro, I think. Really felt useless in therapy sessions this week since I could hardly access anything worthwhile. I know I'm not wasting my therapist's time but I still worry she will grow tired of me if this continues. Tears coming to my eyes at this thought, maybe I am frustrated over wasted time? I have been criticizing myself a lot lately because I have wasted so much time thanks to the CPTSD. I wish I could've just been normal and I could just be normal. Oh now I'm crying again.

Not knowing how I feel has left me slipping into depersonalization. Hands and arms still feel like different sized plastic objects... salt and pepper shakers or vintage plastic dolls always come to mind. Maybe this is also causing the feeling like I will swallow my tongue or that my tongue is a plastic object. Actually, after writing that, I think that is definitely the reason.

I think that maybe my psychiatrist does not understand how to treat CPTSD. Have our 2 week appt tomorrow morning and will try to stand up for myself. She will not be pleased that I stopped the Lexapro. But maybe she should expect it at this point because under her care I have tried 3 different medicines all with the same debilitating side effects.

I have been able to stay sober despite intense cravings for escape.

Still having trouble relaxing for sleep. I don't want to hallucinate during lighter sleep. Been hearing and feeling something sinister talk to me and press on/sit on my legs. Not sure how to get rid of it. Maybe I will sleep with a stuffed animal cat that my dearest friends gifted me. It reminds me of my old family cat that I would let into my room when I was having a hard time as a kid. Maybe the cat can help keep the sinister dream-hallucination away?? Worth a try.

Uhhhh what do I want to write?!!? I don't know. Maybe this is a good place to end the journal. Thank you if you read this, I know it's a mess 

omg it's me :c

Crying really hard reading this. I never really understood why I was this way, especially when it comes to therapy. I was never able to keep a therapist and I hated myself for it. It took 10 years of "hanging up" on therapy after one or two sessions. Now I am a year into therapy with the same therapist. Really proud of myself for that.

It has been so hard to work through the urge to cancel my therapy sessions. It has been so hard to hold onto my friends, my reality and my sobriety. I have always pushed people away because I feared their human imperfections would lead them to abandon me, so I abandoned them first. I had been diagnosed with DPDR before receiving my CPTSD diagnosis. I have struggled for years with substances. It is all making sense. So thankful for this post and this forum.

Asche, your response was very moving. I think that is a very profound description of how you define your hope.

I can't say that I'm aware of suffering at the moment....  I think if I were suffering it would be at least a sign of progress.
The times I have tried to remember how it felt, I start to feel bad, like I'm suffocating or something...

This stuck out to me in particular. While I do not want to tell you that you are suffering, I think that your strong negative emotions tied to remembering could indicate the progress you referenced in suffering. If you feel that emoting is key to progress, then perhaps your inner oracle can help lead you in that task.
Is your inner oracle someone you could specifically ask for help in guiding you through the memories? Or perhaps guiding you back to your emotions and true self when you begin to cope by not feeling?

Dollyvee, it sounds like you have made some really strong self-discoveries 

I think what you described about the vulnerability of people getting close coupled with "self-blame to stay attached to the person" would be very anxiety-inducing indeed! Almost like letting someone in could restart the pattern of self-blame. I really feel for you and wish I had something to chip in.
I can see you are working hard at IFS and being vulnerable even though it's difficult. Hoping your session with T is fruitful and wishing you lots of strength in the meantime!!

Blueberry, so many great successes!! Well done 
I love the mental image of a vibrant green jacket as a spring plant in the snow! So refreshing I was inspired to read your re-frame, it's really a lovely thing to hear the steps you took to realize the hurt, grieve, comfort yourself and create new meaning.

I can see how giving Little Furry her medicine would be difficult, it sounds like you are a very good keeper for them and truly care for their wellbeing, even when it can be exhausting. Sending you peaceful and healing vibes to recoup your energy~