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It took me over a week to get up the courage, but I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on January 27th.

That's awesome!! Sincerest hopes that it goes well~

SanMagic, that is very sad about the house,  it sounds like a really difficult situation to be in :c I am glad the realtor was on-board with safety precautions such as masks and sanitizing. You are very wise to open the windows!

I am also anxious for the USA's future. It feels strange to live through so many historic events. You are not alone in your feelings of anxiety, fright and despair. Please know there are many of us standing with you and standing against the hate. I don't know if it will help you to feel less powerless, but it has helped me to make calls to the capitol switchboard (202-224-3121). I have left messages of encouragement to senators willing to stand against hate and to implore less-willing senators to stand against hate.

toward the end of my session, my t told me to start talking to the parts of my body where my tension has shown itself consistently, especially the physical raising of my shoulders nearly to my ears. ... when she told me to talk to my body, my first thought was 'it's ok, you're ok'. what came out of her mouth was 'say something like "you're safer".

I really like this idea, I think I will try to do this. My shoulders always end up at my ears, too!!

I just wanted to drop a note that I empathize with your struggles, I hope you are able to find some relief from the tensions and emotions.

[01/11/2021]

01/11/2021
rTMS was finally approved by the new insurance!! Returned to rTMS today but have a wicked headache from it. Unfortunately the clinic is shutting down in 5 weeks so that will be another hurdle - trying not to worry about it too much right now. And a dentist appointment tomorrow...yikes!!

I worked some more on my painting

Hallucinated voices before falling sleep again, I hate when this happens. At least this time the voices were nice and not creepy. I can't remember what they were talking about but I kept coming out of the shallow sleep because I thought it was my mom talking to me or the TV was turned on.
I had stressful dreams but no nightmares and no nightmares about my trauma.

My head is really hurting from looking at the computer, hoping to be more active on here later this week when I get used to the rTMS again.

Remember at the time that you were doing the best that you could for yourself and you had (and have) good intent.

Dollyvee, thank you for this reminder! I think you're right, I really was trying the best that I could. Will be writing this on my whiteboard for when I start to be too critical of myself, thank you so much   

Little by little I came to realize that she wasn't the mom I needed her to be. I don't want to put too much of my experience on yours just that I hear you and I'm sorry that it's so painful 

I don't think you put too much of your experience onto me, I actually really appreciate that you shared because it has helped me to examine my situation. I think that my mom also wasn't who I needed her to be when I was young, but she has started to become that person now. I think she has made a lot of realizations through her own therapy journey... one of my treatment goals was to talk with my mom about what happened to me and how it has effected me and we are able to do that. She even gave me a very good apology for not being there for me and (so far) has kept her word to not be that person again. Sometimes I forgot the progress we have made, so typing it out here was really helpful 

thank you for posting, Slim. Really like this video. I really identified when he was talking about becoming shame and becoming the poison. I have felt like poison for so long and never really connected it to my shame. Looking forward to browsing more of his videos

I'm sorry you're going through that. It's really hard, even devastating seeing the pattern continue. Standing with you.

Thank you Blueberry, I agree it is devastating to see it continue. Thank you for standing with me 

[1/9/2021]

1/9/2021
Possible TW - Feeling pretty negative

Nightmares about trauma all night. Woke up disoriented and afraid. Spent too much time today ruminating over F's behavior and did myself a disservice by looking at his twitter. Talked with M about him leaving - we are aiming for spring. I think I can make it another few months here but I'm still holding out hope for returning to my dream job (and moving out of state) before spring. Returning to work will probably be another bad decision in just another string of bad decisions that have made up my life. I wish I could feel better about myself. I wish I didn't hate myself so much 
I feel like I was robbed of so much and I have to remember it and deal with it every. single. day. in this house. Why couldn't I have been stronger?? Why did I wait so long and deny myself so much?? Why couldn't anyone see how much help I needed?? Why did I let these terrible people break me down?? Why did no one help me when I was little?? Why couldn't I help myself as an adult?? Why was I failed so many times?? How do I escape this?? I just want to feel better 

Having a good cry as I write this. Feeling grateful that I am able to cry today. Feeling grateful that my therapist and I noticed the SSRI making me feel worse and I am tapering off it. Feeling grateful for having OOTS as a place to write these things and to feel less alone.

FreedomLover, thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate dealing with your FOO, it must have been cathartic to say "this is not okay!" I think that for our own sanity, we try to stand up for ourselves and I think that can be a really self-validating thing to do.

It's my feeling that narcissists will continue with their bad behavior regardless of how well you have explained the situation.

That being said, I think that in the future you can absolutely still grey rock and respond to invite as "I'm busy" or "I'll think about it" etc. There's no reason that your answers have to change just because recently you've called them out - it might even save you grief and manipulation to just say "I'm busy" and then create plans for yourself like studying for school **or whatever other activity is helpful to you** during whatever you were invited to. (**editing: changed my response a little bit, I think i was projecting too much of my own situation onto yours.)

Not sure if this is a possibility, but I've begun roleplaying situations with my therapist that I find myself in with my narc. parent. It has helped given me a script that becomes muscle memory when I'm triggered by how he behaves toward me. Doesn't always work smoothly, but it has certainly helped.

Sending you support 

[good thing]

I decided to peruse my F's twitter this morning. Discovered that he has posted about his belief that Covid-19 is a hoax/blown out of proportion, that the mortality rate is incredibly low and get this... that is is a good thing for people to be exposed to the virus so that they can build antibodies. Mind you, this was not about a vector vaccine or a vaccine at all. He was talking about exposing people to someone actively infected with the virus.
The "exposure is a good thing" tweet was 2 days after he first showed symptoms. Then he started to refuse to wear a mask around us or get tested. He particularly said that it was good for "low-risk" people to be exposed and I connected the dots between another re-tweet of his about who low-risk people are...the re-tweet said that low-risk people are anyone under 60. Full stop. Said nothing about pre-existing conditions like asthma (which we all have). Just under 60 which is everyone else in the household. I was so enraged I was shaking for about 15 minutes. Took screenshots and immediately told my M what I had seen.

She told me all of his irresponsible behaviors surround Covid-19 that I wasn't privvy to, and there are a lot.

M is doing a lot better and is feeling back to normal, has had no symptoms for about 4 days. So she came with me to run errands (groceries & covid testing) and we had a long talk about F. She will be asking him to leave come spring and have papers drawn up that separate their assets. She is hoping she does not have to divorce him and he will be amenable to separating the assets without divorce. I find it ironic that my M and myself are going to get tested once again so we can return to our lives while he sleeps off a hangover.

I will be counting down the days until I no longer have to live with him & B.

Hi Bluegem & NotAlone,
Thank you for the kind words and validation 

NotAlone, you do a wonderful job to help me feel less alone!!! The perfect username Truly. I think the SSRIs really do cause a lot of problems for me. Nightmares and SI being the biggest two. Fortunately it gets so much less intense when I'm off of them, so I'm just holding on until then.


Bluegem, you're absolutely right, my therapist is a really good part of my life right now!! I feel like I can really trust her and that she genuinely cares about me. It's been a very healing relationship, thank you for bringing this to the forefront of my focus. I feel like it's help redirect some of the negative energy I've had swirling around in my head. Thank you 

Hi Bluegem, it must be something in the water... I feel exhausted this week too!!
I've also been struggling with my anger this week and I'm right there with you in that it's an exhausting emotion.

I think that your anger isn't out of proportion. Being invalidated is an awful experience... even if the issue was over something small, being invalidated is (in my humble opinion) a betrayal of sorts. Maybe even more so if the original issue was something you'd consider small

Sending you an e-hug and hoping you recoup your energy with the weekend 

Hi Dollyvee, thank you for sharing your experiences. I found myself relating to a lot of what you are saying.
This is the first time I've heard of IFS. I'd like to learn more about it but felt very scared at step one. Had to laugh at myself for not even making it past step one without feeling afraid Will definitely be researching more!

I just wanted to take a moment to really thank you for sharing and for bringing this new approach to my attention. I appreciate your honesty and bravery.

Sceal, thank you for sharing! I really resonated with a lot of what you've said. On another note, glad to hear that everything was okay at the cabin!
I know the feeling of being anxious over something like that.
Wishing you all the luck during your call tonight 

Hi Sanmagic, thank you for sharing with us. I really like what you said, "i'm also going to work on getting it into my mind that my own value is equal to the value of others." I want to start telling myself this, I really like that it is an easy-to-remember phrase that holds so much power.

I can tell from your writing that you are putting in a lot of hard work and making great progress in ways that are important to you 

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Hello all. I am feeling distraught by my F lately and my S. F is a covert narcissist. I have been learning how the pattern of abuse can continue through generations. My S has married a man just like my F.
Originally, I moved in with my S while getting treatment. Her H was never onboard with me living there but they both lied to me about it, so I had no idea until it was too late. Eventually he kicked me out because he "feared for my life" (he thought I would act on SI despite me saying numerous times I would not and that he was not following the safety plan we all agreed on with my therapist), forcing me to move back in with my abusers who he knew were my abusers. How does that make sense???
I am so heartbroken that this is her life now. She loves him, but I can see the struggle that it is for her to love him. She does not want to have children so maybe the cycle will not continue in her case? I fear that if they did have children, my BIL would never allow me close enough to make a difference and to be a safe adult for them. I am just so fearful and sad. So sad. I don't know what to do with these emotions over the situation, so thank you for letting me write on here.