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Messages - Blue Rose

#16
I just posted this link in my journal but thought it might be helpful to share here as well. From reading this forum I have come to realise I may have a narcissistic mother. Anyway I found this article helpful:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/eating-mindfully/201804/how-survive-narcissistic-mother
#17
Recovery Journals / Re: Blue Rose's Journal
April 02, 2021, 04:56:53 PM
I found this article just now and I think it's really helpful. I have only realised recently, and with the help of reading other's experiences on this forum so thank you, that I have a narcissistic mother.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/eating-mindfully/201804/how-survive-narcissistic-mother
#18
Recovery Journals / Re: Blue Rose's Journal
April 01, 2021, 09:42:28 PM
So I've gone a little further in the chapter and I've been looking at the types of experiences that can result in CPTSD. I relate to five of them. I find it helpful to acknowledge them so that I don't minimise what happened.

Childhood relationships with parents that are frightening, unpredictable and/or overwhelming.
Ongoing or repeated experiences of neglect, or physical, verbal, or sexual abuse.
Growing up with exposure to domestic violence.
Being raised by a caregiver who has an active addiction or untreated mental illness.
Experiencing abuse at especially vulnerable times of development, such as early childhood or adolescence.

These things happened to me. This was my experience.

I like what Arielle Schwartz writes after this: However painful it might seem at first, unpacking the burdens of your traumatic history can be thought of as profound self-care.

When I was a child I had terrible tummy aches. Then as a teenager I had globus sensation - it got so I felt like I couldn't eat at all, and I got really skinny and weak. The doctor prescribed diazepam and referred me to mental health services at the hospital. I can remember going to an appointment and being terrified by the sign in the corridor, 'Mental Health'. I don't remember anything about the doctor, or whether I went more than once. I recall feeling despair/depression as well. I guess these were ways my mind and/or body was communicating my distress then.
#19
Recovery Journals / Re: Panda's Journal
April 01, 2021, 03:28:56 PM
Hello Panda, sorry it was so stressful getting to your appointment, but it sounds like it was really positive for you. I hope you find the medication helpful for your anxiety. Sending all best wishes.
#20
Recovery Journals / Re: Blue Rose's Journal
April 01, 2021, 08:15:52 AM
And also, like Diane, I don't think my parents should have had kids, the fact they had four makes me angry. My M never signs cards or text messages to me with Mum, she just puts her name. She has two grandkids (not mine, I didn't have kids, I wonder why?) and they have to call her by her name, she refused to be grandma.

Last year I mentioned the little house where I was born and M said she hated it there. I asked her about it and she said it was dark and she was really unhappy there. She also had serious dental problems at that time and was in a lot of pain. This was when I was a baby. I acknowledge it must have been difficult for her. And I acknowledge that as a baby right up till today, I didn't have a nurturing, maternal mother. There, I said it.
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Blue Rose's Journal
April 01, 2021, 07:44:43 AM
Thank you CactusFlower  :)

So I got to the first 'In Practice' exercise which is about the ways you relate to Diane's story and any associations you have. I decided to think back to 2017 which is when my symptoms overwhelmed me. Thinking about that year has brought a lot back and I have had a really bad night lying awake thinking about it all. So I really hope this is going to help and not make things worse...

Anyway, in 2017 my anxiety was getting worse and worse and I had a constant lump in my throat, was waking suddenly in the night with a choking/not being able to breathe sensation, which would then cause a panic attack. I became incredibly jumpy and would startle very easily. I also felt irritable at home with my SO. I think I might have been dissociating when I fell down last few stairs at home. I thought I might have broken my ankle but it was just really badly bruised. I felt relieved as it meant I didn't have to go to work for a couple of weeks, but it also made me realise I needed to go for counselling. Luckily I found a great T who I ended up seeing for a year. I also saw an occupational health doctor at work who was first person to mention the trauma word. So although this was a terrible time it was also perhaps start of my healing journey.

Lately I have had periods of overwhelm again. It is partly to do with my job which I think can retraumatise me. I have decided to finish my current contract (runs until and July) and then take a break. Having made that decision I feel better. But I also recognise that I need to do some more recovery work. Feeling daunted, but my anxiety, hypervigilance and dissociation or withdrawal are signs that I do need to rebalance.

One other thing I have noticed is that drinking alcohol, even very moderately, is not good for my symptoms at all. I had 90 days sober at end of last year and am considering doing that again.
#22
Recovery Journals / Blue Rose's Journal
March 31, 2021, 07:53:41 AM
I am starting Spring 2021 by working through Arielle Schwartz's 'The Complex PTSD Workbook'.

I read it through from start to finish last week, and I feel like there's a lot of useful stuff there.

I've now re-read the Introduction and there are two parts that I want to hold in my mind as I go forward.

First, "Healing childhood trauma involves a balance: attending to the wounds of the past while living in the present."

Second: "You are not broken, in need of fixing. Rather, you are deeply hurt, in need of care."
#23
1. The weather was amazing
2. My SO took day off work to spend day with me, even put their phone on silent
3. We went out on our e-mountain bikes and explored new bridleways and paths and had a picnic by a river and best bit was I saw a Kingfisher sitting on a branch across the river and he flew off and came back and flew off again, beautiful
#24
Thank you Kizzie, finally got my clinic appointment today, it's not until 9th April (which will be three weeks out from urgent referral) but that's ok (well being a Fawn type I definitely didn't say 'But you said you have to see me within two weeks', ha ha). Have been feeling some pain where lump is. I've got one more day at work then two weeks off so hoping to get a chance to enjoy some Spring sunshine. Hope everyone here is doing okay. I know this doesn't strictly belong here but I got triggered (EF) badly yesterday when my partner told me he had lost his key to the garage. I immediately apologised even though he said it wasn't my fault as he was the last one to have it. I spent an hour looking for it and worrying about it. I just react as if I were a small child again, my mother rampaging through the house, yelling and thumping us, whenever she was frustrated about something. Whenever someone is frustrated my reaction is that it is my fault, I have caused it. I feel so anxious and scared. I am learning to say that it's okay and it's not my problem to immediately drop everything to fix.
#25
Thank you CactusFlower and Kizzie. The blog article really resonates with me, I had no idea before starting therapy that what happened from my earliest childhood onwards impacts so much how I have been reacting to things ever since. This includes every aspect of my life, medical stuff, my job, my relationship, my childfree choice (?). It seems crazy, but then it makes sense.
#26
Thank you CactusFlower and Bermuda, so glad to hear you both have found this forum supportive, I am full of hope as I start to do some more healing.
#27
I've been working from home since mid-March last year, I had three and a half months on furlough in the middle which was a blessing as I was so stressed out. Feeling so anxious while working from home has made me realise that I just feel this anxious and hypervigilant all the time and have done since I was a child which is a long old time now I am past 45 years old! When I get really bad I sometimes start to feel really spaced out and might have an accident (usually tripping or falling) and hurting myself. Anyway, I am feeling really stressed out right now as trying to concentrate on work, but found a lump 5-6 weeks ago, and saw doctor on Friday who made urgent referral to hospital to check it out so I am expecting them to call in next 24 hours. I'm pretty sure it's nothing serious but I feel anxious about it. I had surgery twice when I was in my mid to late twenties and six weeks of radiotherapy. I had terrible panic attacks after surgery but I'm pretty well in control of panic attacks now. But going to GP and hospitals I find traumatic.  ???
#28
Quote from: Jazzy on March 22, 2021, 11:19:28 PM
In the long run I found it better to heal than to ignore, so I keep writing notes.

Quote from: woodsgnome on March 23, 2021, 01:40:28 AM
hoping you find this place a haven for picking up the pieces and crafting a better life for yourself.

Thank you Blueberry, Jazzy, woodsgnome for lovely, hopeful messages.
#29
Hello OOTS people, I have CPTSD. I found that out just over 2 years ago, but I don't always remember it's the reason why I struggle with life sometimes. I read Pete Walker's book and it was my 'ah' moment. Along with my doctor, occupational health doctor & therapist. But I still forget that my symptoms are because of CPTSD which goes back to my childhood. It's really important for me to remember the cause of my symptoms  because it brings me relief - there's a reason why I think, feel and behave the way I do, it does all make sense, and maybe, just maybe, I can change it a little bit for some of the time, and just relax and be me (not sure I really know who that is but...). So thank you for being here and letting me learn/share with you all.