Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:51:48 PMthanks, blueberry. it was a trial, but i got thru it. hopefully, i'll be able to stand up for what i need/want a little better going forward. 
got test results back yesterday. some stuff is a little high, but it sounds like, in general, i'm doing ok. nothing that scares me, altho i have the feeling that the doc is gonna try to push some meds for 'pre-diabetes', which is very popular nowadays here. my D has done a lot of research on that cuz she was having problems w/ it for a while, so she learned a lot, but when she read my results, she started laughing cuz my levels are really not problematic at this point. i've had high blood sugar forever and never a diabetes diagnosis, so i won't sweat it, but i'll stand firm. i really don't want to get on the pill bandwagon if it's not absolutely necessary for my life.
i'm such a gritch when it comes to this stuff, like a donkey hunkering down, front legs straight in front of me, i'm not moving kind of thing. i hate it so very much. she kept talking about different meds than what i have, to keep an open mind. i kept telling her it's not that my mind is closed, but that i've already tried so many different meds and they don't go along w/ my system, make me sicker and more miserable. i hate frickin' arguing w/ doctors, and then they talk down to you, over-explain things like you're 7 or something. ugh!
anyway, will be picking up my new meds today, so gonna try them all out. i've had some i've been hoarding, and used them last nite, and my sleep was much better quality, much deeper and more restful, altho it still wasn't long enough, but that may have to come w/ practice. still, i felt good enough to get out and walk, took a leaf stroll - one of my favorite things is crunching fallen leaves in the fall - and there are various trees w/in our apt. complex, so i walked in between them. thought of forest bathing, something someone here talked about a couple years ago. it was very refreshing for my soul.
it was chilly, tho, so i'll need thicker pants next time. my legs are still chilled. but worth it. being able to sleep well makes all the difference.
got test results back yesterday. some stuff is a little high, but it sounds like, in general, i'm doing ok. nothing that scares me, altho i have the feeling that the doc is gonna try to push some meds for 'pre-diabetes', which is very popular nowadays here. my D has done a lot of research on that cuz she was having problems w/ it for a while, so she learned a lot, but when she read my results, she started laughing cuz my levels are really not problematic at this point. i've had high blood sugar forever and never a diabetes diagnosis, so i won't sweat it, but i'll stand firm. i really don't want to get on the pill bandwagon if it's not absolutely necessary for my life.
i'm such a gritch when it comes to this stuff, like a donkey hunkering down, front legs straight in front of me, i'm not moving kind of thing. i hate it so very much. she kept talking about different meds than what i have, to keep an open mind. i kept telling her it's not that my mind is closed, but that i've already tried so many different meds and they don't go along w/ my system, make me sicker and more miserable. i hate frickin' arguing w/ doctors, and then they talk down to you, over-explain things like you're 7 or something. ugh!
anyway, will be picking up my new meds today, so gonna try them all out. i've had some i've been hoarding, and used them last nite, and my sleep was much better quality, much deeper and more restful, altho it still wasn't long enough, but that may have to come w/ practice. still, i felt good enough to get out and walk, took a leaf stroll - one of my favorite things is crunching fallen leaves in the fall - and there are various trees w/in our apt. complex, so i walked in between them. thought of forest bathing, something someone here talked about a couple years ago. it was very refreshing for my soul.
it was chilly, tho, so i'll need thicker pants next time. my legs are still chilled. but worth it. being able to sleep well makes all the difference.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:34:32 PMhey, SH, i think it sucks that you have to watch out for what you say and do for fear of being taken out of context. from a female perspective, i'm sorry men have been painted with a broad brush. i've had this conversation w/ men, and they've learned that one big difference between us is the idea that when they walk out the door, they're not worried about being violated. most women do, at least all the ones i've spoken w/. my gal pal just got herself some pepper spray at 76. i think it's horrible that we've come to this.
i hope your tribal gathering goes well for you. i've been to several powwows in my life, and they've always been one place i did feel safe and welcomed, even if ignored. but it always felt warm and natural for me. i wish i could do more of it. so, i hope you can enjoy and feel a part of something wonderful. love and hugs
i hope your tribal gathering goes well for you. i've been to several powwows in my life, and they've always been one place i did feel safe and welcomed, even if ignored. but it always felt warm and natural for me. i wish i could do more of it. so, i hope you can enjoy and feel a part of something wonderful. love and hugs
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:08:53 PMD.A.G., no, i wasn't offended. we don't often hear of a child being the NPD and making life miserable for the parent. i know she's spread stories about me to many friends, some of whom i've actually met and we got along well, some who wanted to do me bodily harm cuz of what they believed i'd done to her. so, the belief is already out there that i'm the bad guy, and there's nothing i can do about it except try not to think about it. ugh!
so very glad you and your F were able to have some time to be 'together'. i didn't think the writing thing was childish, especially - i thought it was a creative way to keep yourself safe. i often feel safer by writing cuz i can't always think clearly in the moment, so i get it.
actually, i have felt that way, a big release, then an accumulation again. if i recall correctly, for me it was often because there was some deeper issue going on that i hadn't touched/looked at yet. it was like i was able to recognize some surface stuff, deal w/ it, but then the core stuff would rear its head again, maybe w/ the same person/incident/situation or another. i think it's the onion peeling dynamic - we get one layer off, then eventually discover there's another layer to be dealt with. i can go for a while before another layer makes itself known. i believe i'm between layers right now.
i hope you can discover your pattern and that it makes sense for you. love and hugs (and thanks for the love back)
so very glad you and your F were able to have some time to be 'together'. i didn't think the writing thing was childish, especially - i thought it was a creative way to keep yourself safe. i often feel safer by writing cuz i can't always think clearly in the moment, so i get it.
actually, i have felt that way, a big release, then an accumulation again. if i recall correctly, for me it was often because there was some deeper issue going on that i hadn't touched/looked at yet. it was like i was able to recognize some surface stuff, deal w/ it, but then the core stuff would rear its head again, maybe w/ the same person/incident/situation or another. i think it's the onion peeling dynamic - we get one layer off, then eventually discover there's another layer to be dealt with. i can go for a while before another layer makes itself known. i believe i'm between layers right now.
i hope you can discover your pattern and that it makes sense for you. love and hugs (and thanks for the love back)
#4
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: The line between self care...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 12:52:39 PMi'm glad it's helping, Lina. i also like what EB said. i think it's like we have to re-train ourselves to look at ourselves differently than the way we were shown to look at ourselves by others. staying silent, check. don't ask questions, check. quit crying or i'll give you something to cry about, check. to my mind, it all goes into the basket labelled 'you don't deserve to be you, you're not worth it, you don't matter, you're not as good as others' and whatever else may have become jumbled up in there. like many icky colored balls of yarn that have gotten tangled together in our psyche. and we have to do the untangling before we can see them for what they are and finally toss them.
i've read many posts here over the years that have talked about this issue - you are definitely not alone! love and hugs
i've read many posts here over the years that have talked about this issue - you are definitely not alone! love and hugs
#5
Physical Issues / Re: Scarlet fever/Tonsillitis ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 12:41:32 PMblueberry, my wording was off. anxiety is often listed as a cause, but c-ptsd isn't, cuz it's not often recognized on its own yet. sorry for the confusion. hope this clears that up.
and thanks for the care. i'm better now - this crapola comes and goes for me, sometimes in a very short time.
and thanks for the care. i'm better now - this crapola comes and goes for me, sometimes in a very short time.
#6
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: The line between self care...
Last post by Lina24 - Today at 04:43:28 AMThank you all
I'm finding this one of the most difficult aspects of recovery, I was taught at a young age not to complain or make a fuss and was often hit if I did. Hearing others say they have the same thoughts is extremely validating and makes me feel less alone.
Lina
I'm finding this one of the most difficult aspects of recovery, I was taught at a young age not to complain or make a fuss and was often hit if I did. Hearing others say they have the same thoughts is extremely validating and makes me feel less alone.
Lina
#7
Symptoms - Other / Re: we found a persecutor and ...
Last post by asdis - November 12, 2025, 11:33:40 PM
#8
Eating Issues / Re: too many issues with food
Last post by asdis - November 12, 2025, 11:22:20 PMQuote from: dollyvee on November 11, 2025, 09:59:04 AMI had a "cheat" meal the other day probably because I was tired of the limited eating... The next day, I felt absolutely awful, like I was hung over all day,
We feel you on this one. We made some bad food choices over the past week because it was just easier to and we've been feeling sick since. We hope you're feeling better by now.
We forgot to mention on our post above, but we applied for xolair with our allergist last week and we're hopeful that we can get on it. It'll be kinda difficult to manage the appointments every two weeks but we think it'll be worth it if it helps even a little bit.
#9
Eating Issues / Re: too many issues with food
Last post by asdis - November 12, 2025, 11:16:46 PMThe ED therapist has been pretty good, for the most part she's just helped us not slip back into intentionally restricting. She's been working with all of us that have fronted during session too. We're starting to touch on some of the deeper issues related to our ED with her and it seems promising. She's been pretty good about moving at our pace. Both her and our regular therapist recommended a nutritionist to help find food replacements and help navigate the medical side.
The nutritionist we found is nice enough, we've only had three sessions though. We had one with her today and she had that look of "I might be in over my head" for about half of the appointment. We made sure to find one that had experience and focused on working with patients with food allergies and eating disorders. We wrote a pretty detailed (but not novel length) description of our issues surrounding food and where the non-allergy complications arose from. Her initial response and the first two sessions were fine. We didn't necessarily learn anything new or anything, but she at least never let on that anything was off/she wasn't comfortable. We found a few substitutes to look for but they're pricey and will be luxuries if we can get them. Today we had to explain the "whys" of a lot of things to her and had to give a little bit more detail about our childhood. We were up front in our intro message to her about pervasive ED tendencies, trauma being a major contributing factor, and that we were medically neglected until we moved out/moved cities. We were also up front about our physical health being quite bad. But still, we just barely scratched the surface of what we had to explain, and she just seemed super uncomfortable and like she had no idea what to do. It would be different if she was fully focused on numbers and blood work and stuff, but there hasn't really been much medical talk outside of going over my allergy test results. And she was asking us questions, we were just answering. She was shocked that it takes us so long (usually a month or so if we're lucky, 3-5+ if not) to get in with specialists even with referrals. She didn't seem to understand the emotional/mental difficulty of never knowing whether or not a new doctor will believe us. It just kinda left us feeling like she didn't think about the possibility that multiple compounding factors would mean more difficulty even if we're as intent as we are to heal and get better.
We're not giving up on working with her yet. We want to try asking her for bloodwork orders to check for deficiencies and stuff and see how that route goes first. We're just feeling some kinda way about another doctor having the "
" reaction when having to truly look at the complexities.
The nutritionist we found is nice enough, we've only had three sessions though. We had one with her today and she had that look of "I might be in over my head" for about half of the appointment. We made sure to find one that had experience and focused on working with patients with food allergies and eating disorders. We wrote a pretty detailed (but not novel length) description of our issues surrounding food and where the non-allergy complications arose from. Her initial response and the first two sessions were fine. We didn't necessarily learn anything new or anything, but she at least never let on that anything was off/she wasn't comfortable. We found a few substitutes to look for but they're pricey and will be luxuries if we can get them. Today we had to explain the "whys" of a lot of things to her and had to give a little bit more detail about our childhood. We were up front in our intro message to her about pervasive ED tendencies, trauma being a major contributing factor, and that we were medically neglected until we moved out/moved cities. We were also up front about our physical health being quite bad. But still, we just barely scratched the surface of what we had to explain, and she just seemed super uncomfortable and like she had no idea what to do. It would be different if she was fully focused on numbers and blood work and stuff, but there hasn't really been much medical talk outside of going over my allergy test results. And she was asking us questions, we were just answering. She was shocked that it takes us so long (usually a month or so if we're lucky, 3-5+ if not) to get in with specialists even with referrals. She didn't seem to understand the emotional/mental difficulty of never knowing whether or not a new doctor will believe us. It just kinda left us feeling like she didn't think about the possibility that multiple compounding factors would mean more difficulty even if we're as intent as we are to heal and get better.
We're not giving up on working with her yet. We want to try asking her for bloodwork orders to check for deficiencies and stuff and see how that route goes first. We're just feeling some kinda way about another doctor having the "
" reaction when having to truly look at the complexities. #10
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - November 12, 2025, 10:11:50 PMSan,
I hope I didn't offend you when I said that. I'm so sorry about your circumstances with D1, I'm sure that's been very painful. Thank you for your thoughts and love, I'm sending some your way, too. Yes, it does touches every aspect of our life.
Last night I got into a tiff with my father than escalated because I got triggered by something he said. He mentioned something about me moving in anger which put me in an EF for sure. There were many times in my life that I had no control over where I lived or where I felt safe. That instability left me freaking out in this instance. Anyway, I ended up coming up with a solution to share my feelings with him--it's usually very difficult. I'm pretty proud of this!
I'm more of a writer and feel safe in writing to him than speaking (seems juvenile to me but it is what it is). So, I wrote it all out and read it to him. I sobbed through the whole thing but I felt a lot of relief after and I got to apologize for my frigidness. We had a good conversation and shared some hugs that I felt comfortable with because it broke the wall down. At least for now. I admitted how I beat myself up mentally for shutting myself off to him and how badly I wish I could be authentic with him the way I am with others. But he sees why I struggle with these things and sees past them, which I also expressed gratitude for. I am really grateful. I don't want to push him or my boyfriend away when they're all I have.
Does anyone else feel like once they release their big feelings this way things seem normal, but after awhile, feelings accumulate and build up under the surface again? I'm starting to recognize a pattern here and I remember this being a problem when I was younger, too. I wish I could explain why I'm doing it but I can't think that deeply right now. lol
I hope I didn't offend you when I said that. I'm so sorry about your circumstances with D1, I'm sure that's been very painful. Thank you for your thoughts and love, I'm sending some your way, too. Yes, it does touches every aspect of our life.
Last night I got into a tiff with my father than escalated because I got triggered by something he said. He mentioned something about me moving in anger which put me in an EF for sure. There were many times in my life that I had no control over where I lived or where I felt safe. That instability left me freaking out in this instance. Anyway, I ended up coming up with a solution to share my feelings with him--it's usually very difficult. I'm pretty proud of this!
I'm more of a writer and feel safe in writing to him than speaking (seems juvenile to me but it is what it is). So, I wrote it all out and read it to him. I sobbed through the whole thing but I felt a lot of relief after and I got to apologize for my frigidness. We had a good conversation and shared some hugs that I felt comfortable with because it broke the wall down. At least for now. I admitted how I beat myself up mentally for shutting myself off to him and how badly I wish I could be authentic with him the way I am with others. But he sees why I struggle with these things and sees past them, which I also expressed gratitude for. I am really grateful. I don't want to push him or my boyfriend away when they're all I have.
Does anyone else feel like once they release their big feelings this way things seem normal, but after awhile, feelings accumulate and build up under the surface again? I'm starting to recognize a pattern here and I remember this being a problem when I was younger, too. I wish I could explain why I'm doing it but I can't think that deeply right now. lol