Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 10:10:58 PMHi DF, I've been reading your recent posts. They are giving me food for thought e.g. on missing / not missing FOO members. It sounds like you're processing lots. 
#2
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 09:16:34 PMI'm slipping back onto the porch after a heavy couple of days. Feeling a bit tender and quiet, so I'll just sit near the fire with a hot chocolate and a blanket, letting the warmth do some of the work. Grateful this place is here, and for anyone nearby.
☕🔥💛
☕🔥💛
#3
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 08:46:57 PMjust resting near a fire, enjoying that people are around.
#4
Going Low/No Contact with Familial Abusers / Re: complex feelings on estran...
Last post by lowbudgetTV - Today at 07:23:00 PMThank you for your kind words Marcine. I do know and like the idea of taking care of yourself before others. Knowing it is true and living it is another thing. Nothing is so easy but I continue every day trying to know the best option.
Thank you Kizzie for your advice. I always try to remember the worst moments from my family in times like this. They do haunt me, and when I falter, I have a written down list that remind me how bad it was.
As for my father, I don't know if that would work, but I will look into a safe and anonymous way to do that, maybe. I don't have much hope for the availability and quality of Social services in the area I grew up/they live though. But I could try to say I did. I'll think about it.
Thank you Kizzie for your advice. I always try to remember the worst moments from my family in times like this. They do haunt me, and when I falter, I have a written down list that remind me how bad it was.
As for my father, I don't know if that would work, but I will look into a safe and anonymous way to do that, maybe. I don't have much hope for the availability and quality of Social services in the area I grew up/they live though. But I could try to say I did. I'll think about it.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 07:13:33 PMI was cleaning up my photo files just now and I came across a picture of me and my M; me holding my arm around her shoulder and smiling, she smiling and looking insecure. And I remember how I felt back then. It felt like I was performing. Like I was looking at myself making this arm gesture and having the picture taken. Looking at a daughter putting an arm around her mother. Performing to be a good daughter. It did not feel like it was really 'me' (as in Richard Schwarz's 'Self') making the gesture, not like 'I' was really there. Dissociating is what I was doing. Very strange to realise now. I didn't realise at the time. Looks like 'me' in the picture.
So much is going on in my mind. It's unbelievable.
So much is going on in my mind. It's unbelievable.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 06:20:32 PMAbout this 'not missing M'- business. 'Missing' to me, entails an emotional response. Involving pain, sadness, etc. And I'm not feeling those. Not relating to my mother's passing that is. (I am feeling those regarding my life so far and everything I missed so much along the way.)
But other than the missing-response, there are patterns that my brain is still repeating that I notice. Like when the kids do something fun, smart, sweet etc. and I take a picture of it, my brain tells me: "Send it to M", and I noticed a tiny whisper adding: "Maybe she will like us then". No chance of that ever again. Never happened in the past either, so it's a mystery why I was still hoping for this. But I am sad to know 100 % certain now that she will never tell me I am okay. Tell me she likes me. She never did.
And this morning, I woke up within the angry part of me. And the angry part turned out to be sad deep within. About not being seen, it had been trying so hard to be nice, be kind, be acknowledged. And that part feels cheated. Treated very unfairly (is that English?).
And it took me a while to feel better today. It turns out I started feeling better when I thought of all the chores I had been doing yesterday evening. Made me feel like a good person. Although I 'should' be able to feel good about myself without having done any chores at all. Just good the way I am. I know I am though. I did find that feeling again somewhere today.
It's strange having all this awareness. I'm once again thinking back about soooo many times I felt like s*** without having a clue why. I've come a very long way already. This is an awareness I think not many 'normal' (or traumatised for that matter) people have.
And I think 'crazy' is not an yes/no concept. It has many many gradients. And what is called 'crazy' in this world, may be a whole other sort of sanity after all.
But other than the missing-response, there are patterns that my brain is still repeating that I notice. Like when the kids do something fun, smart, sweet etc. and I take a picture of it, my brain tells me: "Send it to M", and I noticed a tiny whisper adding: "Maybe she will like us then". No chance of that ever again. Never happened in the past either, so it's a mystery why I was still hoping for this. But I am sad to know 100 % certain now that she will never tell me I am okay. Tell me she likes me. She never did.
And this morning, I woke up within the angry part of me. And the angry part turned out to be sad deep within. About not being seen, it had been trying so hard to be nice, be kind, be acknowledged. And that part feels cheated. Treated very unfairly (is that English?).
And it took me a while to feel better today. It turns out I started feeling better when I thought of all the chores I had been doing yesterday evening. Made me feel like a good person. Although I 'should' be able to feel good about myself without having done any chores at all. Just good the way I am. I know I am though. I did find that feeling again somewhere today.
It's strange having all this awareness. I'm once again thinking back about soooo many times I felt like s*** without having a clue why. I've come a very long way already. This is an awareness I think not many 'normal' (or traumatised for that matter) people have.
And I think 'crazy' is not an yes/no concept. It has many many gradients. And what is called 'crazy' in this world, may be a whole other sort of sanity after all.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 05:54:17 PMQuote from: Chart on December 27, 2025, 02:52:40 PMI am to a certain extent "giving up" responding to posts on my journal. I ask your understandingOf course Chart, never mind responding to my responses. Seems like an infinite loop anyway.
Just write whatever you feel like writing. But you seem to be doing that well enough already.
#8
Parenting / Re: Explaining your history to...
Last post by Kizzie - December 28, 2025, 06:14:20 PMHi Hannah, there is an article at our sister site Out of the FOG you might be able to draw on although it's more in the vein of talking about a parent with PD. There are some suggestions for age appropriate discussions too. See https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/5/talking-to-kids. There are also other resources if you Google this topic.
Personally I talked to my son about my trauma over the years in an age appropriate way. I would then invite him to ask any questions he wanted. It may be hard for them to hear what you've been through, but at the same time it may help explain certain things that they know either consciously or sub-consciously.
As for them feeling the need to caretake, my son did not feel the need because I was open with him about what I was doing to get help myself - therapy, Out of the Storm, etc. TBH, I think he is a better physician and person because he does understand how people may be struggling and why.
Finally, and again just my opinion here but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for children/youth to hear there are people in the world they need to step away from and that they can use boundaries to protect themselves. That's the reality of life albeit not how we as parents would like things to be.
Personally I talked to my son about my trauma over the years in an age appropriate way. I would then invite him to ask any questions he wanted. It may be hard for them to hear what you've been through, but at the same time it may help explain certain things that they know either consciously or sub-consciously.
As for them feeling the need to caretake, my son did not feel the need because I was open with him about what I was doing to get help myself - therapy, Out of the Storm, etc. TBH, I think he is a better physician and person because he does understand how people may be struggling and why.
Finally, and again just my opinion here but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for children/youth to hear there are people in the world they need to step away from and that they can use boundaries to protect themselves. That's the reality of life albeit not how we as parents would like things to be.
#9
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New-ish
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 28, 2025, 04:16:59 PMWelcome, HannahOne. 
I'm really glad you decided to step out of reading and into posting. What you shared about trying to live while disowning the past, and then no longer being able to, resonates deeply. This really is a place where the whole story is allowed. I'm glad you're here.
(If that's ok)
I'm really glad you decided to step out of reading and into posting. What you shared about trying to live while disowning the past, and then no longer being able to, resonates deeply. This really is a place where the whole story is allowed. I'm glad you're here.
(If that's ok)
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 28, 2025, 03:56:43 PMWhat you wrote about prediction error really landed for me. The idea that the brain is doing exactly what it was evolutionarily designed to do - building models from past danger - but that those models can become outdated, feels both precise and compassionate because it avoids self-blame.
It reminded me of a neuroscience paper I read that helped me explain my own distorted sense of reality: trauma doesn't just create emotional pain; it reshapes how the brain handles threat detection, context-processing, and even self-reference - not just fear responses (Putica & Agathos, 2024, Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews; https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2024.105836). So when the alarm goes off, it isn't "wrong" - it's faithful to old data.
I really appreciate how you're using this framing not to dismiss emotional flashbacks, but to create just enough distance to stay present with them. That balance - understanding why without overriding what - feels important.
Reading your post also made me realize we're circling the same core theme (i.e. "My nervous system is not broken. It is loyal to lessions learned from a past that nearly killed me. And now I have to live while it learns something new") from different angles. You're naming and working with the error signal itself, at the model level. I'm currently more in the identity-level work - feeling the existential cost of updating those models while the old ones fall away. Both perspectives feel complementary to me.
Thank you for putting words to this process. It helps me make sense of something I'm still very much in the middle of.
It reminded me of a neuroscience paper I read that helped me explain my own distorted sense of reality: trauma doesn't just create emotional pain; it reshapes how the brain handles threat detection, context-processing, and even self-reference - not just fear responses (Putica & Agathos, 2024, Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews; https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2024.105836). So when the alarm goes off, it isn't "wrong" - it's faithful to old data.
I really appreciate how you're using this framing not to dismiss emotional flashbacks, but to create just enough distance to stay present with them. That balance - understanding why without overriding what - feels important.
Reading your post also made me realize we're circling the same core theme (i.e. "My nervous system is not broken. It is loyal to lessions learned from a past that nearly killed me. And now I have to live while it learns something new") from different angles. You're naming and working with the error signal itself, at the model level. I'm currently more in the identity-level work - feeling the existential cost of updating those models while the old ones fall away. Both perspectives feel complementary to me.
Thank you for putting words to this process. It helps me make sense of something I'm still very much in the middle of.