Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Steve M...Here We Go
Last post by SteveM - Today at 02:21:37 AMThanks NK and Chart for your kind words and I hope to be here a bit more as the upheaval of the move and the new build settle down.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 12:54:27 AMThank you SO 
and Chart
and Chart Quote from: Chart on January 09, 2026, 04:37:49 PM...are worth so much more than that. We all are.
#3
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: stuck in a loop
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 12:41:12 AMQuote from: asdis on January 09, 2026, 11:35:51 PMWe're doing everything we can to keep going and to keep getting better. We just don't know what to do or say at this point. Everyone goes down the same list of ideas/solutions for us. Everyone gets stumped by the way our issues interact with each other. No one seems to have anything new to say or suggest. "I'm trying" is always met with "try harder" but we can't. Whether it's allergies or pain everything that we love is being slowly stripped away. We've been watching it happen for the last 16 years. We've been stuck in this loop for so long. We're still trying. It's just getting harder.
That sounds so hard! I'm sorry. I kind of get it too, because I've been working on my own stuff for ages and some things are getting worse, but otoh I do see and feel progress. If you don't really, then that's got to be really difficult
I think it's kinda normal in cptsd for issues to all interact with each other. So I'm sorry if none of your medical / therapeutic people understand that.
I don't think I've been told for a long, long time to "try harder", except by my own Inner Critic. But not by professionals, so I'm sorry you've been told that. Usually with cptsd we're trying really hard anyway, so what's the use of suggesting we do even more?
I'm wondering if you would be helped by any of these https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=272.0 ? They're free and you can watch as much or as little as you like. Often when I feel stuck, this kind of thing is useful. They give me a tiny bit of hope and maybe some impetus to do a tiny bit of something helpful/constructive for myself. Sometimes a listening includes a 5 minute exercise which I find can settle down my anxiety a little bit. I learned in inpatient trauma-informed therapy that focussing your mind on 'something else' other than rumination or anxiety or stress for just 5 minutes can help.
If none of the above sounds useful, please just ignore it.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 12:23:31 AM to you #5
Conferences/Courses / FREE, 26 Jan. - 1st Feb. 2026,...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 12:20:16 AMhttps://www.consciouslife.com/conferences/tsc-6/agenda
If you join up before the conference, there are 6 pre-talks you can listen to free-of-charge, by Peter Levine, Alex Howard, Arielle Schwartz and a few other people.
As always: These types of conferences and summits are free during the conference. Once you sign up, you'll get a fair number of emails suggesting you pay for permanent access. That's really not necessary. The material gets recycled - it'll come up in another conference/summit in a few months!
+ see my post here for additional general info: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16458.0
#6
Books & Articles / Re: Fawning
Last post by Marcine - Today at 12:02:47 AMI finished reading the book and recommend it. Very relatable with lots of her experience as a therapist and as a trauma survivor.
She refers to Pete Walker's work as well as connecting many dots that have relevance to all of us in this world that demands and rewards fawning.
She refers to Pete Walker's work as well as connecting many dots that have relevance to all of us in this world that demands and rewards fawning.
#7
Conferences/Courses / Re: FREE, Decode your trauma, ...
Last post by Blueberry - January 09, 2026, 11:58:50 PMQuote from: Chart on January 06, 2026, 06:39:23 AMThe second were the core needs of children: Love, Safety and Boundaries. It was very good for me to hear this explicitly.
Yes, I've heard this before from Alex Howard, and it's huge for me. In fact, I've taken notes on it before, here they are: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?msg=139726
This time it struck me too how A.H. says that our emotional needs are just as important as physical needs, like oxygen I think was his example.
A.H. emphasises how not receiving these needs as children doesn't mean we have to be without them for life since as adults we can learn to give ourselves these things, but he does say one of the consequences of not being taught boundaries is we don't learn boundaries towards ourselves (or other people of course.) In therapy I've mostly worked on boundaries towards other people, at least consciously. When we don't learn boundaries towards ourselves, it's a lot harder to say "Yes" to ourselves in the sense of nudging ourselves to do what is good and healthy for ourselves. This speaks a lot to me because I have trouble following through, especially doing things regularly.
Quote from: Chart on January 06, 2026, 06:39:23 AMI listened to tye replay last night. Kinda unenthusiastic at the beginning, but I did get two ideas out of the whole thing that I find very valuable.Well yes, now that these types of things are run as a live Zoom the first minutes are usually spent listing all the countries or cities people are from, a bit of a waste of time to my mind. Plus he might just not be your type of speaker.
His main point is I think that you can heal and in his opinion the best way to do that is by settling your nervous system down, by meditating or similar daily. I think you are doing that anyway, Chart. Me, not so much. Going back to: it's hard for me to follow through and do things regularly. I tend to jump all over the place, which in A.H.'s scheme of things is being in a tired or wired state, which is Fight or Flight a stage between Shutdown and Safe-and-Social. Safe and Social is the state we should be trying to get our nervous system into more regularly because this is where we can heal from. From his descriptions, I would say that at least during part of my zoom group, I'm in Safe and Social. I suppose I need to look for more of that in my day-to-day. It's kind of complicated though. Somebody with (presumably) cptsd asked about what happens when things are a bit more complex, like you start trying to process some old emotion and that kicks up anxiety and then something else rears its ugly head and then how do you know what to work on... A.H. said - practise more meditation and thru that become more able to connect to your body etc etc
Many roads lead to Rome. Last summer when I was at a healing retreat with trauma-trained therapists, I realised that the exercises they put us through in a group were achieving what people with cptsd attribute to taking whatever drug it is you can now be prescribed (Ketamine?) and then all of us were able to process some of our trauma or anxiety or whatever everybody had. I think that what we were achieving was what A.H. wants us to achieve through regular meditation.
Decode your trauma: Trauma seems to mean something different to A.H. than it might to us. He seemed to imply that there's trauma and then there's ptsd, and then presumably cptsd. I don't know
I assumed that if you 'have trauma' to the degree that your nervous system is consistently dysregulated, then you're likely to have ptsd or cptsd. Two years ago, I actually signed up for A.H.'s 12 week course on Regulating your dysregulated nervous system and pulled through daily meditation plus the listenings plus homework exercises and then I suddenly stopped. I managed to re-start months later, then stopped again. Yesterday I re-started, but haven't done anything today. Fortunately you get life-time access! I have noticed this before - I have trouble following through, some of which may be because I do have trouble sitting 'in' my body, with myself. It's easier to distract myself, part of which I do by intellectualising, which is something A.H. mentions too.
Anyway, enough on that. Might help somebody else, might not.
#8
Frustrated? Set Backs? / stuck in a loop
Last post by asdis - January 09, 2026, 11:35:51 PMWe're trying. Really, really trying. We're doing our best to care for our physical health and basic needs. We're doing our best to keep a recovery mindset and not be discouraged by things. Every new/old symptom that pops up we just keep moving. Try to cope, or at least try not to dissociate endlessly. But there are never any real breaks. No one knows how to help us.
We're stuck in a loop where taking care of anything results in a flare up of some kind. Doing good with our basic needs? Pain flare. Got our pain to a tolerable level? Anxiety flare. Try to focus on the big issues? All the little issues become a thousand times louder. Find something to eat that we actually want? Eat it so much we stop enjoying it. Doing okay with not thinking too much about foods we want but can't eat? Bombarded by ads for them. Finally starting to understand what hunger feels like? Anything with nutritional value that we can eat makes us not want to eat. Managed to clean organize the house to a reasonable place? It only lasts as long as our body can keep up with doing it daily.
We stopped seeing our dietician and one of our therapists in early december because every session became "I know you're trying. I know it sucks. But you have to be patient. You have to keep trying. Maybe if you buy a million gadgets and overpriced 'allergy-friendly' foods you'll pavlov yourself into doing better. Maybe if you eat this thing you hate enough you'll start to like it. Maybe if you stop worrying about money you'll eat better. I know you're worried about not being able to afford the safe stuff, but have you tried buying it anyway? Maybe, maybe, maybe. You should track your meals, or your macros, or take pictures of what you eat. I know those things are triggering but have you considered doing them? Maybe if you move even when your back/leg gives out you'll get used to it."
We've been in this cycle for so long. No one stops to consider how it feels for us to not only be in it but to be asking for help with it. No one seems to consider the fact that simply being allergic to something doesn't stop us from still enjoying it, and no one seems to consider how much harder trying to recover from disordered eating is while being allergic to over half the food we enjoy. How much harder recovery is when our allergens cut out food groups and entire cuisines. Our main therapist does to an extent, but we don't talk about it much with her because she doesn't treat disordered eating.
We're trying a new dietician. We booked another session with our other therapist. We start pain management soon. We're doing everything we can to keep going and to keep getting better. We just don't know what to do or say at this point. Everyone goes down the same list of ideas/solutions for us. Everyone gets stumped by the way our issues interact with each other. No one seems to have anything new to say or suggest. "I'm trying" is always met with "try harder" but we can't. Whether it's allergies or pain everything that we love is being slowly stripped away. We've been watching it happen for the last 16 years. We've been stuck in this loop for so long. We're still trying. It's just getting harder.
We're stuck in a loop where taking care of anything results in a flare up of some kind. Doing good with our basic needs? Pain flare. Got our pain to a tolerable level? Anxiety flare. Try to focus on the big issues? All the little issues become a thousand times louder. Find something to eat that we actually want? Eat it so much we stop enjoying it. Doing okay with not thinking too much about foods we want but can't eat? Bombarded by ads for them. Finally starting to understand what hunger feels like? Anything with nutritional value that we can eat makes us not want to eat. Managed to clean organize the house to a reasonable place? It only lasts as long as our body can keep up with doing it daily.
We stopped seeing our dietician and one of our therapists in early december because every session became "I know you're trying. I know it sucks. But you have to be patient. You have to keep trying. Maybe if you buy a million gadgets and overpriced 'allergy-friendly' foods you'll pavlov yourself into doing better. Maybe if you eat this thing you hate enough you'll start to like it. Maybe if you stop worrying about money you'll eat better. I know you're worried about not being able to afford the safe stuff, but have you tried buying it anyway? Maybe, maybe, maybe. You should track your meals, or your macros, or take pictures of what you eat. I know those things are triggering but have you considered doing them? Maybe if you move even when your back/leg gives out you'll get used to it."
We've been in this cycle for so long. No one stops to consider how it feels for us to not only be in it but to be asking for help with it. No one seems to consider the fact that simply being allergic to something doesn't stop us from still enjoying it, and no one seems to consider how much harder trying to recover from disordered eating is while being allergic to over half the food we enjoy. How much harder recovery is when our allergens cut out food groups and entire cuisines. Our main therapist does to an extent, but we don't talk about it much with her because she doesn't treat disordered eating.
We're trying a new dietician. We booked another session with our other therapist. We start pain management soon. We're doing everything we can to keep going and to keep getting better. We just don't know what to do or say at this point. Everyone goes down the same list of ideas/solutions for us. Everyone gets stumped by the way our issues interact with each other. No one seems to have anything new to say or suggest. "I'm trying" is always met with "try harder" but we can't. Whether it's allergies or pain everything that we love is being slowly stripped away. We've been watching it happen for the last 16 years. We've been stuck in this loop for so long. We're still trying. It's just getting harder.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - January 09, 2026, 07:36:23 PMJust want to get a quick note in. I've been reading some of your journals, but I seem to be unable or unwilling to respond somehow, I apologise.
I was supposed to have started work again this week, after the holidays. But the problem is I don't know 'where I am' so to speak, how much I should be doing or not, and I don't trust my own judgement anymore to keep taking care of myself in the process. I'm afraid that as I go along, I will again 'forget' that I cannot keep on going relentlessly and that at some point I will start ignoring the signs that I'm not well and 'forget' taking care of all of me. That the keep-on-going part of me -that just want to be 'normal' and forget there's something 'wrong' with me - will take over again.
I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much probably. And I'm not very active. Although I do do my yoga, that's helpful. And took a long walk through the snow (I'm afraid to drive through snow). And internal triggers are still happening. I'm not very stable.
I've been thinking and reading about parts and dissociation. It feels like a relief all my parts are now allowed to be here. That makes me calmer. But it makes me hesitant which part to listen to when deciding to undertake any activity or not. I am inclined to listen to the scared part at the moment, because it was ignored so much towards the end of last year. But this results in me not undertaking much.
I'm waiting for the proper mental health care to start. Today, I got a call from the mental health care facility saying my insurance only covers a short trajectory. And I think I will be needing therapy for a longer period of time. And they said that I should call the insurance company and ask permission for a longer duration of therapy. So I did. And then this woman unexpectedly asked me to explain in five minutes why I thought I needed it. This was very stressful. Luckily, I had already made the resolution to not downplay any of my symptoms, like the keep-on-going part can do so well. So I hope I did alright. They will let me know next week hopefully. In the meantime, I signed up for the short term therapy, just to be sure I'll have that at least and I should be having an intake for that in about two weeks.
In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do with myself really. Part of me is ashamed I'm not doing much and another part of my thinks it's okay, I may take my time and not take any risks. My English is rusty too, apologies.
I was supposed to have started work again this week, after the holidays. But the problem is I don't know 'where I am' so to speak, how much I should be doing or not, and I don't trust my own judgement anymore to keep taking care of myself in the process. I'm afraid that as I go along, I will again 'forget' that I cannot keep on going relentlessly and that at some point I will start ignoring the signs that I'm not well and 'forget' taking care of all of me. That the keep-on-going part of me -that just want to be 'normal' and forget there's something 'wrong' with me - will take over again.
I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much probably. And I'm not very active. Although I do do my yoga, that's helpful. And took a long walk through the snow (I'm afraid to drive through snow). And internal triggers are still happening. I'm not very stable.
I've been thinking and reading about parts and dissociation. It feels like a relief all my parts are now allowed to be here. That makes me calmer. But it makes me hesitant which part to listen to when deciding to undertake any activity or not. I am inclined to listen to the scared part at the moment, because it was ignored so much towards the end of last year. But this results in me not undertaking much.
I'm waiting for the proper mental health care to start. Today, I got a call from the mental health care facility saying my insurance only covers a short trajectory. And I think I will be needing therapy for a longer period of time. And they said that I should call the insurance company and ask permission for a longer duration of therapy. So I did. And then this woman unexpectedly asked me to explain in five minutes why I thought I needed it. This was very stressful. Luckily, I had already made the resolution to not downplay any of my symptoms, like the keep-on-going part can do so well. So I hope I did alright. They will let me know next week hopefully. In the meantime, I signed up for the short term therapy, just to be sure I'll have that at least and I should be having an intake for that in about two weeks.
In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do with myself really. Part of me is ashamed I'm not doing much and another part of my thinks it's okay, I may take my time and not take any risks. My English is rusty too, apologies.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 09, 2026, 07:17:01 PMGosh. Thank you so much everyone. I very much appreciate your support! 
I'm struck by what didn't even exist as an option in my mind. Namely to stop seeing that friend. I wasn't wrestling with the thought, nor was I hoping for her to change. It didn't even occur to me that I didn't have to see her. Even though I often was angry with her after she'd said something to sneakily undermine my self esteem, I didn't question the friendship itself. It was as it was and I dealt with that. Needs, preferences, boundaries, or the validity of those, were far from clear to me. I just got overwhelmed, ashamed, frustrated. And that's how it was. I didn't know that life could be different. Let alone that I deserve to be treated with respect always and by everyone. Where self esteem lives in others, toxic shame lived in me. She exploited that. That's disgusting.
It was a lot easier for me to stop seeing my dad at seventeen. I went through a lot of cycles of hope and disappointment with him. When I finally understood he'd never care about me, it became obvious an unavoidable to cut ties. Not so with this friend. It was a lot more ambivalent. This is where I struggle more. It's as though I need a pile of evidence right in front of me to feel like I have the right to be assertive. So when it's way too late to hold up healthy boundaries. I give people way too much space to be a-holes. I kinda noticed, but kinda didn't at the same time. I didn't notice it to the degree I had low self esteem. That itself is a lens through which we perceive the behavior of others, and underpin what we are and aren't allowed to do or say. It all happens in a fraction of a second. The distorted filter is pretty robust and hidden in plain sight.
I survived these nasty behaviors by fawning, basically. It's interesting that I generally did well standing my ground in discussions with her. Despite the anxiety this came with. I had less trouble taking a certain position about a topic, than standing up for myself. She couldn't handle me disagreeing with her, so at a certain point she'd often start to shame or subtly humiliate me in some way or another. It worked well. Again, the fact that it never crossed my mind that I didn't have to put myself in that position over and over is striking to me now. It's not that I didn't notice her behavior. I just didn't notice it through an adult lens. Age-regressed me has a lot less options to deal with challenging situations.
I have another "friend" whom I actually got into an argument with on the phone. About a year ago. He's more straight up narc, and I just had had it with him when he started saying some really hurtful things. If he ever calls me again, I'm going to pick up the phone, tell him I don't want him to contact me again and that I'm sick and tired of his narcissism, and hang up. Part of me is really looking forward to that moment. Resentment sucks. I'm not proud of letting things come to this point. I'm happy though, that I'm not putting up with these people anymore. They don't deserve my time, attention, and care, and I don't want to hang out with people who disrespect me.
TheBigBlue
A warm welcome to you. I very much appreciate your presence here on the forum!
I'm struck by what didn't even exist as an option in my mind. Namely to stop seeing that friend. I wasn't wrestling with the thought, nor was I hoping for her to change. It didn't even occur to me that I didn't have to see her. Even though I often was angry with her after she'd said something to sneakily undermine my self esteem, I didn't question the friendship itself. It was as it was and I dealt with that. Needs, preferences, boundaries, or the validity of those, were far from clear to me. I just got overwhelmed, ashamed, frustrated. And that's how it was. I didn't know that life could be different. Let alone that I deserve to be treated with respect always and by everyone. Where self esteem lives in others, toxic shame lived in me. She exploited that. That's disgusting.
It was a lot easier for me to stop seeing my dad at seventeen. I went through a lot of cycles of hope and disappointment with him. When I finally understood he'd never care about me, it became obvious an unavoidable to cut ties. Not so with this friend. It was a lot more ambivalent. This is where I struggle more. It's as though I need a pile of evidence right in front of me to feel like I have the right to be assertive. So when it's way too late to hold up healthy boundaries. I give people way too much space to be a-holes. I kinda noticed, but kinda didn't at the same time. I didn't notice it to the degree I had low self esteem. That itself is a lens through which we perceive the behavior of others, and underpin what we are and aren't allowed to do or say. It all happens in a fraction of a second. The distorted filter is pretty robust and hidden in plain sight.
I survived these nasty behaviors by fawning, basically. It's interesting that I generally did well standing my ground in discussions with her. Despite the anxiety this came with. I had less trouble taking a certain position about a topic, than standing up for myself. She couldn't handle me disagreeing with her, so at a certain point she'd often start to shame or subtly humiliate me in some way or another. It worked well. Again, the fact that it never crossed my mind that I didn't have to put myself in that position over and over is striking to me now. It's not that I didn't notice her behavior. I just didn't notice it through an adult lens. Age-regressed me has a lot less options to deal with challenging situations.
I have another "friend" whom I actually got into an argument with on the phone. About a year ago. He's more straight up narc, and I just had had it with him when he started saying some really hurtful things. If he ever calls me again, I'm going to pick up the phone, tell him I don't want him to contact me again and that I'm sick and tired of his narcissism, and hang up. Part of me is really looking forward to that moment. Resentment sucks. I'm not proud of letting things come to this point. I'm happy though, that I'm not putting up with these people anymore. They don't deserve my time, attention, and care, and I don't want to hang out with people who disrespect me.
TheBigBlue
A warm welcome to you. I very much appreciate your presence here on the forum!