Recent posts
#1
General Discussion / Re: (A lot) Truer than "I" tho...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 12:05:16 AMHi Desert Flower,
From one devoted mother to another, I understand how keeping-on-no-matter-what becomes a way of life.
I remind myself of the well-worn advice to put my own oxygen mask on first. And I marvel at how difficult, foreign, and important it is to do so.
Easy does it, super momma
From one devoted mother to another, I understand how keeping-on-no-matter-what becomes a way of life.
I remind myself of the well-worn advice to put my own oxygen mask on first. And I marvel at how difficult, foreign, and important it is to do so.
Easy does it, super momma
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - December 16, 2025, 11:52:56 PMWell, my therapist is going to have a fun day when I next see them next year.
My mother sent me a package (and a letter) for the holidays. The letter, of course, was in response to me abandoning them--leaving them as I must. I've been so happy and healing. The letter isn't bad at all, thank goodness, but I must remember the truth and reread the therapy file I have of all the things that ARE true. I cannot go on being a member of my family.
I sit here writing this out because my next therapy appointment isn't until after the new year and this is worthy of writing out my thoughts and asking for advice as I think about it. Obviously, I know in my soul that my option is to continue on with being an orphan. I fear them.
My first thought is while I think the letter from my mother is all well and fine, I know in my soul it is still not. There are stories online of vitriolic hatred toward an ungrateful lost child--this is not this. However, the reverse, I feel, is also bad. I think part of my... "final straw" was an overwhelming sense of how she always wanted some piece of me. I was hers. Of course--of course the letter would be begging and loving and say things like "I will do anything and everything you want." That's the problem. We live in a world where what I truly want and what she wants is incompatible. Not to mention--please dear, get a therapist. Get friends. This is the problem! You should never say that you'll do anything and everything you want to a person, especially your child. I am not a spoiled, wanting brat (despite previous claims otherwise, from you know who).
Without going into details, but my empathic heart hurts for her. But for every way I am sorry, I remember the hateful look in her eyes. I cannot be there for her anymore. She used me up and all I have left is to survive for myself. I don't think anyone intends it ever, but she is using my strong sensitive nature against me, and for that I am pushed farther away from her. This, I think she will never understand.
I do miss my father. I do. I am sorry.
In a sort of cosmic blessing, I took tomorrow off, and it was entirely unrelated to the timing of this package (of course) so I will be happy to rest, as I'll certainly need to take some of my as-needed calming meds and rest. But, even then, I am proud. I am not even that worried about this. I feel strong enough to know already that it's over and I don't ever have to go back. I am a free adult. I am also a scared child with myself as my own parent, sad that it is, but that's the best for me. I am so sad and scared once again.
I will surely have more thoughts on this but I should like, make my dinner, or something, haha!
My mother sent me a package (and a letter) for the holidays. The letter, of course, was in response to me abandoning them--leaving them as I must. I've been so happy and healing. The letter isn't bad at all, thank goodness, but I must remember the truth and reread the therapy file I have of all the things that ARE true. I cannot go on being a member of my family.
I sit here writing this out because my next therapy appointment isn't until after the new year and this is worthy of writing out my thoughts and asking for advice as I think about it. Obviously, I know in my soul that my option is to continue on with being an orphan. I fear them.
My first thought is while I think the letter from my mother is all well and fine, I know in my soul it is still not. There are stories online of vitriolic hatred toward an ungrateful lost child--this is not this. However, the reverse, I feel, is also bad. I think part of my... "final straw" was an overwhelming sense of how she always wanted some piece of me. I was hers. Of course--of course the letter would be begging and loving and say things like "I will do anything and everything you want." That's the problem. We live in a world where what I truly want and what she wants is incompatible. Not to mention--please dear, get a therapist. Get friends. This is the problem! You should never say that you'll do anything and everything you want to a person, especially your child. I am not a spoiled, wanting brat (despite previous claims otherwise, from you know who).
Without going into details, but my empathic heart hurts for her. But for every way I am sorry, I remember the hateful look in her eyes. I cannot be there for her anymore. She used me up and all I have left is to survive for myself. I don't think anyone intends it ever, but she is using my strong sensitive nature against me, and for that I am pushed farther away from her. This, I think she will never understand.
I do miss my father. I do. I am sorry.
In a sort of cosmic blessing, I took tomorrow off, and it was entirely unrelated to the timing of this package (of course) so I will be happy to rest, as I'll certainly need to take some of my as-needed calming meds and rest. But, even then, I am proud. I am not even that worried about this. I feel strong enough to know already that it's over and I don't ever have to go back. I am a free adult. I am also a scared child with myself as my own parent, sad that it is, but that's the best for me. I am so sad and scared once again.
I will surely have more thoughts on this but I should like, make my dinner, or something, haha!
#3
Sexual Abuse / Re: Self-abandonment since CSA
Last post by Chart - December 16, 2025, 07:32:52 PMQuote from: DD on December 15, 2025, 09:40:53 PMNow I sit here having cried for some hours and just see the damage done. I don't have a question. What I am asking is to be kindly witnessed. That I exist. That I matter. That I'm allowed to be human.DD, I hear you, I feel deeply what you have written. You are seen. I'm so sorry you were thrown to the wolves by those that were responsible for your safety. The child betrayed makes absolutely no sense to any true human.
Sending support and acknowledgement.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Chart - December 16, 2025, 07:16:08 PMGood luck with the phone consultation, San.
#5
Announcements / Re: Thank You
Last post by SenseOrgan - December 16, 2025, 07:09:40 PMThank YOU Kizzie, for your dedication to this safe haven!
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Chart - December 16, 2025, 06:52:16 PMQuote from: Little2Nothing on December 15, 2025, 04:52:46 PMThinking more about the holiday blues. I think that the extreme contrast between the idealized Christmas and the reality in my home as a child made the longing for soundness even more intense. I lived in a bubble of unkindness, violence, and sheer terror. Christmas was never a happy time. That was my reality. Everything else around me told me that I was abnormal. My holidays never resembled the Currier and Ives ideal. A hallmark moment in our home was when someone didn't wind up in the hospital.Little2, I believe you are mourning. This sadness is the child that was never allowed to be a child, that had to grow up fast, stay awake and aware, always be on guard to survive another day. That loss is what comes back every holiday season. Your post broke me up. I literally wept for fifteen minutes. I know now that my first four years of life were like this, constant terror, periods of peace and calm lasting not more than three or four days. I still have no memories, real, solid, of that period. But when I read someone else's history, when it resonates like that, I know that I had something like that. My pre-verbal trauma has been manifesting my entire life. But as of two years ago, I have entered into mourning. I have taken that inner child and I now hold him in my arms. Sometimes we cry together. I have to say, he doesn't want another childhood. He remembers only confusion. But what he does want, and what I've started giving him is Love. I feel what he feels. I know what he knows. But I also know more. I know we are deeply deeply wounded. And my way out, my savior, my happy ending... is tears. I cry now. I cry and cry and cry again. I hold nothing back. I find tears coming at least once per day. I cry while driving. I cry in public. I cry when I see, hear, feel something that resonates... and there is so much that resonates... A women carrying her child in her arms... A smile from a stranger... A memory that cuts into my thoughts like betrayed hope.
Every song spoke of happiness, joy and peace. The music was sentimental and left a lingering sense of longing. Now, I don't know how many people felt the same as me. I'm sure there are plenty. TV shows always had some astoundingly touching Christmas story. Some miracle occurred, some need was always met. The message was that Christmas produced miracles. Everything bad became good.
As a kid I was on the outside looking in. I never had a Christmas miracle, no happy music, no sentimental reunions, everything I experienced was the exact opposite of that. The happenings at Christmas were no different than the rest of the year, but during the rest of the year I was not bombarded with promises of miracles and happy endings. As a child I believed the stories, or at least intensely longed for them.
Those feelings of loss precipitated by the season were profound. At no other time of the year did I experience that compounded loneliness. That sense of loss stays with me along with the memories, fear, and sadness. I may never rise above this, but I believe it can get better. I'm not living there anymore, though someone forgot to tell that to the part of me that suffers this time of year.
Little2, I do not believe our inner children want to change the past. I do not believe my inner child wants another childhood. My inner child wants MY love, MY recognition... Now, he wants and needs it now. The past is the past. Nothing can change those events, circumstances, memories. But NOW is something else, and the healing I'm finding is in tears. I mourn daily, and with each salty tear I feel a little lightness, a shift, a child that takes a deep breath after holding his anxiety for too long. I find release in the love I know is with "us" now.
I believe there is a happy ending. The happy ending is now, this moment, this family that I have. The sadness of the past needs it time to be seen, to be felt, to be acknowledged. But the miracle is there, it is coming. But I will not let the child I was cry alone any more. I look at him and tell him, I say to him, I speak to him... I know. I know what you went through... You are one tough little dude... But you don't have to be brave anymore. I'm here, I'm strong, I'm good. And we are one.
Hugs to your inner child, just like hugs to all your loved ones. The happy ending is coming. But it's not an ending, it is a beginning.
#7
Sexual Abuse / Re: Self-abandonment since CSA
Last post by Kizzie - December 16, 2025, 06:13:53 PMI hear you DD. Betrayal runs deep but I hope now that you know you will allow yourself not to care so much about others and start caring for yourself.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - December 16, 2025, 05:34:54 PMsanmagic7
Yes that sense of freedom, I know that too. Even during this visit it was mixed in. For the real thing, you need to be on the road huh? Toured in a camper van with a friend for six months or so in the past. Even though I don't drive, I got a good taste of that freedom. Thank you for your support. I have a few plans lined up to connect in real life.
Canto Ostinato 'ligconcert® ' by Sandra & Jeroen van Veen, @Ligconcert
Yes that sense of freedom, I know that too. Even during this visit it was mixed in. For the real thing, you need to be on the road huh? Toured in a camper van with a friend for six months or so in the past. Even though I don't drive, I got a good taste of that freedom. Thank you for your support. I have a few plans lined up to connect in real life.
Canto Ostinato 'ligconcert® ' by Sandra & Jeroen van Veen, @Ligconcert
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by SenseOrgan - December 16, 2025, 04:40:20 PMYES!!! 
Just in case... I had a mild version of tingling/pins and needles in my fingers and toes. It took me a very long time to link it to the multi vitamins I was taking. Even though I knew about it and specifically choose ones with a relatively low dose of B6 in it, it's highly likely to have been the culprit. No vitamin pills, no issues. When I take them again for a while, it starts again. Good luck with the consultation today!
Just in case... I had a mild version of tingling/pins and needles in my fingers and toes. It took me a very long time to link it to the multi vitamins I was taking. Even though I knew about it and specifically choose ones with a relatively low dose of B6 in it, it's highly likely to have been the culprit. No vitamin pills, no issues. When I take them again for a while, it starts again. Good luck with the consultation today!
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 16, 2025, 02:48:08 PMthank you so much, DF, SO, chart, and TBB for your well wishes and your hugs. they meant so much to me when i came here and saw them. honestly, what a wonderful bunch of people.
i think it went as well as possible for my D yesterday. the woman who did the assessment seemed to get all the right notes out of my D's story and tears. in the car afterwards, my D told me what went on, what each of them said, then asked me if i thought she could've said anything else - she had time to make additions by phone cuz the assessor wasn't going to turn her report in till today - and i was crying by that time, told her she couldn't have done better. previously, i'd always had some little extra thing i thought should be included, but dang, i think she nailed it.
next she gets x-rays of her hands cuz her fingers still tingle and no one's ever been able to find the cause, but they are partially numb so even a cleaning job is out of the question cuz she can't exactly 'feel' things, hold things properly w/o extra exertion, etc. that's later this week. and she has one more of these things, i can't remember, to go thru, but she should know by march. pins and noodles until then.
and i have a phone consultation w/ a T this morning, and i'm really nervous.
i think it went as well as possible for my D yesterday. the woman who did the assessment seemed to get all the right notes out of my D's story and tears. in the car afterwards, my D told me what went on, what each of them said, then asked me if i thought she could've said anything else - she had time to make additions by phone cuz the assessor wasn't going to turn her report in till today - and i was crying by that time, told her she couldn't have done better. previously, i'd always had some little extra thing i thought should be included, but dang, i think she nailed it.
next she gets x-rays of her hands cuz her fingers still tingle and no one's ever been able to find the cause, but they are partially numb so even a cleaning job is out of the question cuz she can't exactly 'feel' things, hold things properly w/o extra exertion, etc. that's later this week. and she has one more of these things, i can't remember, to go thru, but she should know by march. pins and noodles until then.
and i have a phone consultation w/ a T this morning, and i'm really nervous.