Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:58:18 PMmore on my galpal. she has been so accepting of me, of who i am, no matter how i look, what i wear, even tho she's quite trendy and fashion-conscious (i'm not, never have been - to me it's all a big scam, one type of fashion this year, something completely different next year, lots of money spent, lots of stuff for overflowing landfills, beaches, and oceans, etc.)
but i digress. (guess i just had to let that little rant out). so, this visit i decided i was sick of being and looking so depressed, and i curled my hair, put on makeup, dressed in a cute skirt i love w/ my alice in wonderland t-shirt, black leggings and my red clogs. i felt very cute, and i know it lifted my spirits when she saw me and just started gushing about how cut i looked, how much she liked what i was wearing - she was so excited to see me not looking bland.
we talked, like we do, about an enormous amount of different things, and got on the subject of how i've been not accepted, how i've been talked to as an adult by authority figures in jobs, and she was just aghast. she knows me as being very outspoken, and she couldn't understand not only why those things happened, but why i didn't say anything. i told her that when it was someone in authority in my job, i would just freeze, and she accepted that, too.
as i was talking, just letting stuff come to the surface and then out of my mouth, i began feeling quite agitated, excited (but not in a good way), and i finally stopped talking. later i realized that i felt very vulnerable at the time saying this stuff to another human being not my T or my D. still, she was very accepting, got mad at other people for doing that to me, was very appropriate and supportive in her response.
it nearly brought me to tears right then and there. but last nite, while watching 'sister act', i cried all the way thru, sometimes even sobbing. i know it was a lot of relief from that day, from having her as a friend, but also because even tho 2 judges ruled that our food stamp benefits were to be reinstated from an emergency fund, our pres. decided he didn't want to do that. we had gotten our hopes up for a day after the rulings, only to have them dashed again. my D is really worried about this, and got so very angry when i told her the turnaround of these events.
and this friend is helping us w/ this as well. she's been buying food for us about once a month, which has also been so sweet and generous of her. honestly, she and her goodness just overwhelmed me this week. she's also been paying for our rent increase cuz she wants us to stay here. she's gone out of her way to help us. it's been a godsend to have her back in my life. and she's also told me that she's glad i'm here, that i help make her life better, too. it's nice.
but i digress. (guess i just had to let that little rant out). so, this visit i decided i was sick of being and looking so depressed, and i curled my hair, put on makeup, dressed in a cute skirt i love w/ my alice in wonderland t-shirt, black leggings and my red clogs. i felt very cute, and i know it lifted my spirits when she saw me and just started gushing about how cut i looked, how much she liked what i was wearing - she was so excited to see me not looking bland.
we talked, like we do, about an enormous amount of different things, and got on the subject of how i've been not accepted, how i've been talked to as an adult by authority figures in jobs, and she was just aghast. she knows me as being very outspoken, and she couldn't understand not only why those things happened, but why i didn't say anything. i told her that when it was someone in authority in my job, i would just freeze, and she accepted that, too.
as i was talking, just letting stuff come to the surface and then out of my mouth, i began feeling quite agitated, excited (but not in a good way), and i finally stopped talking. later i realized that i felt very vulnerable at the time saying this stuff to another human being not my T or my D. still, she was very accepting, got mad at other people for doing that to me, was very appropriate and supportive in her response.
it nearly brought me to tears right then and there. but last nite, while watching 'sister act', i cried all the way thru, sometimes even sobbing. i know it was a lot of relief from that day, from having her as a friend, but also because even tho 2 judges ruled that our food stamp benefits were to be reinstated from an emergency fund, our pres. decided he didn't want to do that. we had gotten our hopes up for a day after the rulings, only to have them dashed again. my D is really worried about this, and got so very angry when i told her the turnaround of these events.
and this friend is helping us w/ this as well. she's been buying food for us about once a month, which has also been so sweet and generous of her. honestly, she and her goodness just overwhelmed me this week. she's also been paying for our rent increase cuz she wants us to stay here. she's gone out of her way to help us. it's been a godsend to have her back in my life. and she's also told me that she's glad i'm here, that i help make her life better, too. it's nice.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:39:47 PMi smiled as i read the last part of your post, bach. small steps lead to bigger ones. i was particularly excited for you that you felt a sense of pleasure and of hope. it's a pushback, i think, on all the things you're tired about. sending you love and a hug filled w/ more strength and energy to keep pushing back on the old, let the new shine thru. 
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:34:00 PMd.a.g., i think it's a big first step to realize or recognize something. w/o that you can't take the next step, so i'm glad you got that first step under your belt, so to speak. i had a friend who recognized how dishonest she was, and one day she had had it with herself being this way, and began a regiment of being honest. every time a lie came out of her mouth, she was finally able to consciously recognize it, stop herself, and start over in the way she wanted to be. maybe it's something that could be helpful to you. just a thought.
every day is a new day to start something different, right? love and hugs
every day is a new day to start something different, right? love and hugs
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:23:37 PMand wishing you the best with this endeavor, SH. funny, in a way, how something not related can trigger those old memories. do you think any truck you might get would do the same going forward? if so, that's too bad. i hate that that past stuff can reach out and grab us and ruin our present stuff. love and hugs
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - Today at 01:14:17 AM11/5/2025
Had one of those epiphanies that slap ya around thoroughly on the drive back from work today. Had to do with the truck that I've been dinking around and not getting around to selling the thing and then get something else that is new to me. Mind you, this is when former spouse was still a spouse.
Back story. Had an 02 S10. Nice little truck. 4 cyl, manual transmission. Red, fire engine red. hard to miss. In 2010 got t-boned by a gal in a borrowed car and the light was green for me. Truck totaled. Took about 5 years for me to heal the semi-soft tissue damage.
Took settlement and finally found current truck. 87 Dodge D150. Been overall a good truck. Thing is .. that truck is a reminder of that period of time. Even though the former spouse never drove the thing.
I don't know why I've held onto it. I really don't. It lumbers around corners, not that great on gas, doesn't really have decent get up and go.. And for some {cuss words} I've kept it. I bought it with cash so there isn't any notes / liens / loans.
So.... I'm going to clean out all the "stuff" that has ended up in the cab, and I think I'll move forward with trying to sell it.
Wishing all here all the best
Had one of those epiphanies that slap ya around thoroughly on the drive back from work today. Had to do with the truck that I've been dinking around and not getting around to selling the thing and then get something else that is new to me. Mind you, this is when former spouse was still a spouse.
Back story. Had an 02 S10. Nice little truck. 4 cyl, manual transmission. Red, fire engine red. hard to miss. In 2010 got t-boned by a gal in a borrowed car and the light was green for me. Truck totaled. Took about 5 years for me to heal the semi-soft tissue damage.
Took settlement and finally found current truck. 87 Dodge D150. Been overall a good truck. Thing is .. that truck is a reminder of that period of time. Even though the former spouse never drove the thing.
I don't know why I've held onto it. I really don't. It lumbers around corners, not that great on gas, doesn't really have decent get up and go.. And for some {cuss words} I've kept it. I bought it with cash so there isn't any notes / liens / loans.
So.... I'm going to clean out all the "stuff" that has ended up in the cab, and I think I'll move forward with trying to sell it.
Wishing all here all the best
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - November 05, 2025, 10:50:05 PMPart of healing is recognizing the amount of anger I carry with me every day--today it was a lot.
I hold anger and frustration towards so many big things that tend to manifest as anger towards little things. I'm angry that I can't be affectionate towards my elderly father, which means I get snappy and cranky with him in situations where he used to be angry or violent (he's not that way anymore).
I'm angry about my health issues that came from abuse so as I'm receiving treatment and get tired or weak I'm miserable and pissed. I've come to realize how triggering any kind of set-back or flare-up is for me.
And then I get so sad knowing that the part of me, that miserable, insufferable, b*tchy, selfish, and angry part of me, is winning the battle against what I like to consider the real me. Those closest to me see what's underneath it all, but I'm tired of fighting all the time. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to take it out on anyone or anything.
Today, my thoughts also wandered to the possibility of infidelity in my relationship due to our abstinence right now. I know I can't control that, I know that would mean he was never the one for me anyway. But man, my brain goes to some dark places when I think about if he did.
The goal here is to never have to share this kind of intimacy with another human being ever again. Because I'm done after this one and I'd rather happily live the rest of my life alone at that point. The way I illustrate it mentally is like a rubber band--you can stretch it quite far until it starts to deteriorate and eventually break. I'm not saying I'd "snap", I just mean there's nothing left to give anyone else after that. Especially after sharing as much as I have. But I shouldn't let myself go there.
An additional observation I've made is how I'm always on the verge of tears. Not sensitive to things like I'm PMSing, but genuinely just could cry whenever. Kind of interesting.
Got ahold of someone who handled my case from 12 years ago, hopefully I get some further answers. Prayers.
I hope any readers have a lovely evening/morning/afternoon--wherever you are. xoxo
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - November 05, 2025, 10:40:24 PMI took a walk this afternoon. When I take a walk by myself, I have a tendency to walk very fast and get wrapped up in my thoughts. I noticed that yesterday when I went for a walk, and I made a conscious effort to slow down and feel my body instead of escaping into my head. I made an effort to take note of how the sun and the wind felt on my face and body, and how the ground felt under my feet. It wasn't very comfortable, and I really had to focus to do it. I had a moment when I was thinking about turning left to extend my walk instead of right to go home. I had a destination in mind, not an important one, just one to keep me moving for a while longer. My mind, fixated on the idea that more exercise is always better, very much wanted to do this, but I felt a faint protest from my body, a sort of "Yeah, you can drag me around some more if you want to, but I'd really rather go home." So I listened to my body and went home. Then today when I was out for a walk, I noticed myself walking fast and being wrapped up in my thoughts, and I realised that I do this because being in my body is difficult and uncomfortable for me, and I'm trying to escape from the difficulty and discomfort. That made me think back to my childhood, how my mother was very big on walking, and how I was always having to keep up, an enormous and seldom pleasurable task for an unaccommodated child whether in the huge, busy, noisy city where we lived, or on endless mountain trails when the family went hiking. So again, I slowed down, made an effort to feel my physical self instead of hurrying along, and to take in my surroundings with curiosity and openness instead of turning inward to my thoughts. The result was better today. There were no conflicts between my body and my mind regarding the route or duration of my walk, and I even felt some stirrings of pleasure. This makes me feel a little bit hopeful that maybe it really is possible to unprogram at least some of what was programmed into my body so very long ago.
#8
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: The line between self care...
Last post by Kizzie - November 05, 2025, 04:37:27 PMHey Lina - I must say I agree with San, self care can feel like selfishness but only because we've been trained to feel we must put others first. I particularly like what San wrote about the word "selfish" itself.
Spot on!
Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 05, 2025, 01:57:47 PMi've separated the word 'selfish' into 2 words - self and ish, or self-ish. being aware of our 'self' and what it needs, and taking care of that 'self' is crucial. without being self-ish, we hurt ourselves further by ignoring 'self' and what it needs to be able to perform at its peak ability.
Spot on!
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 05, 2025, 02:36:53 PMhonestly, you people are the best!
PC, the idea of 'eyes open' made so much sense for me, and i do believe that is true. the rest of what you wrote, about we each having different personalities, also hit home. i think parents can't help treating each kid differently - you helped open my eyes to that. thank you for all your wisdom and support.
thank you, SH, for sharing your sib experience. i think my eyes are opening a bit more about how parents treat kids differently - i guess they really can't help but do that. i know i did w/ my 2 girls, but some of that was circumstantial - the older had a lot of illness both physical and mental that demanded attention, so the younger was kinda left out of my time and energy in many ways. however, those differences can happen in a lot of perception, perspective, time of life kind of ways.
for example, my B was the only boy, born later in life, babied to death, so to speak, while my sister and i just weren't. at any rate, i so appreciate what you wrote, your take on this. it helped a lot.
chart, you brought a smile to my heart! i do hope you find your stuffed animal, the one who fits with you and for you. i swear, i never 'got it' before, cuz i'd never had one. being someone else each time we go thru a realization reminds me of something 'alice' said (i have this above my desk) - 'i can't go back to yesterday, because i was a different person then'. yep, so true. and i totally understand the 'absorbing' bit. have done a lot of that throughout life, on so many levels. we really do live and learn, don't we. thank you so much for your encouragement and support.
busy day today, so i'll just go. but some good stuff w/ my galpal yesterday, and just being accepted by someone. it was so very good, but quite unsettling the entire day!
PC, the idea of 'eyes open' made so much sense for me, and i do believe that is true. the rest of what you wrote, about we each having different personalities, also hit home. i think parents can't help treating each kid differently - you helped open my eyes to that. thank you for all your wisdom and support.
thank you, SH, for sharing your sib experience. i think my eyes are opening a bit more about how parents treat kids differently - i guess they really can't help but do that. i know i did w/ my 2 girls, but some of that was circumstantial - the older had a lot of illness both physical and mental that demanded attention, so the younger was kinda left out of my time and energy in many ways. however, those differences can happen in a lot of perception, perspective, time of life kind of ways.
for example, my B was the only boy, born later in life, babied to death, so to speak, while my sister and i just weren't. at any rate, i so appreciate what you wrote, your take on this. it helped a lot.
chart, you brought a smile to my heart! i do hope you find your stuffed animal, the one who fits with you and for you. i swear, i never 'got it' before, cuz i'd never had one. being someone else each time we go thru a realization reminds me of something 'alice' said (i have this above my desk) - 'i can't go back to yesterday, because i was a different person then'. yep, so true. and i totally understand the 'absorbing' bit. have done a lot of that throughout life, on so many levels. we really do live and learn, don't we. thank you so much for your encouragement and support.
busy day today, so i'll just go. but some good stuff w/ my galpal yesterday, and just being accepted by someone. it was so very good, but quite unsettling the entire day!
#10
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: The line between self care...
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 05, 2025, 01:57:47 PMhi lina24,
i have put myself on the back burner for many, many years, also feeling insignificant and that everyone else's needs were more important than mine. thru the years of working at recovering from such beliefs, and with the support of others here, i've come to realize that the idea of being selfish was a manipulation used by others on us to get what they wanted from us.
having no regard for others, their wants and needs, is, to my mind, a selfish way to look at the world. however, that is very clearly not your state of mind, or you wouldn't be thinking about the others where you work. the other side of this is self-care, which is very important. without it, we end up not being able to do anything, not for ourselves and not for others, either.
so, in my mind, for these types of situations, where self-care is what leads to eventually healing, being able to be out there again for others, i've separated the word 'selfish' into 2 words - self and ish, or self-ish. being aware of our 'self' and what it needs, and taking care of that 'self' is crucial. without being self-ish, we hurt ourselves further by ignoring 'self' and what it needs to be able to perform at its peak ability.
in your situation, you're running the risk of hurting yourself to the point where you wouldn't be able to be there for your office mates at all if your injury gets worse. if you take the time and care for it properly, it will get better, sooner, and you can go back to your job cleanly and with enthusiasm. besides, pain wreaks havoc w/in our brain, and we can't function as well as usual.
so, those are my thoughts on it, what i've learned over the years of dealing w/ similar issues. i hope you can realize how very important you are in this world, and even to your colleagues at work. i do believe they'd want you to take care of yourself, be self-ish in this matter. i know i do.
i have put myself on the back burner for many, many years, also feeling insignificant and that everyone else's needs were more important than mine. thru the years of working at recovering from such beliefs, and with the support of others here, i've come to realize that the idea of being selfish was a manipulation used by others on us to get what they wanted from us.
having no regard for others, their wants and needs, is, to my mind, a selfish way to look at the world. however, that is very clearly not your state of mind, or you wouldn't be thinking about the others where you work. the other side of this is self-care, which is very important. without it, we end up not being able to do anything, not for ourselves and not for others, either.
so, in my mind, for these types of situations, where self-care is what leads to eventually healing, being able to be out there again for others, i've separated the word 'selfish' into 2 words - self and ish, or self-ish. being aware of our 'self' and what it needs, and taking care of that 'self' is crucial. without being self-ish, we hurt ourselves further by ignoring 'self' and what it needs to be able to perform at its peak ability.
in your situation, you're running the risk of hurting yourself to the point where you wouldn't be able to be there for your office mates at all if your injury gets worse. if you take the time and care for it properly, it will get better, sooner, and you can go back to your job cleanly and with enthusiasm. besides, pain wreaks havoc w/in our brain, and we can't function as well as usual.
so, those are my thoughts on it, what i've learned over the years of dealing w/ similar issues. i hope you can realize how very important you are in this world, and even to your colleagues at work. i do believe they'd want you to take care of yourself, be self-ish in this matter. i know i do.