Recent posts
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 05:14:48 AMHappy New Year, Papa Coco.
I've been thinking of you and hoping the holidays haven't been too heavy.
Sending a hug if it feels okay.
I've been thinking of you and hoping the holidays haven't been too heavy.
Sending a hug if it feels okay.
#3
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by Marcine - Today at 01:35:21 AMYes, please count me in for a game of scrabble. 
I used to play often with my grandmother until she died at age 94. One day recently, I was playing with my son and I sensed Grammy's presence. Just then, I looked at my tiles and the available C on the board— all of them spelled "semantic"— logic/meaning in language. I could almost hear Grammy's laughter and it remains the only time I used all 7 tiles in one turn.
I used to play often with my grandmother until she died at age 94. One day recently, I was playing with my son and I sensed Grammy's presence. Just then, I looked at my tiles and the available C on the board— all of them spelled "semantic"— logic/meaning in language. I could almost hear Grammy's laughter and it remains the only time I used all 7 tiles in one turn.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Marcine - Today at 01:14:52 AMThis is amazing stuff, HannahOne! Your different clothes express different aspects of your personality and you are making it a creative practice to get dressed and engage with the world... As well as a defiant triumph over your father's controlling, extreme frugality.
Inspiring!
And great news from the doctor, yay!
Inspiring!
And great news from the doctor, yay!
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - December 31, 2025, 11:25:18 PMThe doctor's appointment was ok, it was the surgeon today. I meant to have my sibling on the phone to listen but when the doctor came in I panicked and was afraid to dial. But I did write everything down that was said and I got my bandages OFF which feels so much better. And I got very good news overall, everything was removed that needed to be, I don't have to hurry to do anything more immediately, I have time to see a specialist and consider next steps. I am so relieved. It couldn't have been a better outcome.
Today is New Years Eve. As for many holidays NYE was often tough. I remember one year, I think the year I was nine, frantically cleaning the house before midnight as if that would somehow make a clean slate or fresh start, and then crying when midnight struck and I hadn't finished cleaning the dog's foodbowls. I noticed that today I did quite a bit of cleaning, and I still feel I have more to do. Cleaning is one way I cope with stress. My extended family had some serious hoarders, my mother much milder and she did try to keep house but I"m more of a minimalist and need things to feel a certain way. My kids can be as messy as they want. I just need to mop the floors when I'm stressed!
In the new year I am hoping to continue pursuing making art, making friends, and expressing myself.
I have been studying painting for about seven years, but I still struggle to paint by myself. I get paralyzed and very self conscious and I forget how to do the steps, I get disoriented and freeze. I have my painting table set up.... So I'd like to keep working with myself about that. I will continue meeting with one friend weekly to paint.
I lost most of my friends during the pandemic. The pandemic was overall hellish as my partner works in healthcare and had a breakdown, my child had a breakdown, and then we lost our jobs and were unemployed for almost a year, prepared to move. I also ended up very isolated. I feel like I'm still trying to get back to where we were in 2019. So I am practicing going out every day even if only to the store, and chatting with the workers there. I hope to join a hiking or book club and meet more people. I am also hoping to get back into work part time. I've had a small business for since the pandemic but I'm tired of it and I want to have more structure and leave home to work. I don't know what work I can do as I want to change fields but I'm curious. I hope to meet people and find friends again.
And I want to keep practicing and playing with expressing myself. I do that through writing, but especially lately through clothes. I always thought fashion was silly, frivolous. My father was extremely misogynist and my parents very strict religious. And my father was very frugal to the point of not heating the house, not letting us use hot water.... He could be generous at times he chose, but in general was extremely controlling. So we didn't have new clothes, or didn't have clothes that were in style, and had to dress very plain and modest because he thought it was a waste of money and time to do otherwise. I agreed with those values for a very long time and never bothered much about what I wore. But this year I realized that I often don't leave the house because I'm wearing clothes that make me embarrassed. Or make me feel invisible. Everything was black or grey. Saggy. Five-ten years old and often was already secondhand when I got it. And out of date. It made me feel sad.
Getting out of the depression of the last five years meant getting out of bed, getting out of the house and that meant getting dressed. I would take care of the house chores and kids and then when they left, go back to bed in my sweats.... Instead I took all my clothes out of my closet, got rid of a good bit, and starting going to thrift stores. I also went to very expensive stores and tried things on. Twice a week I would go out and spend a few hours trying on all kinds of things I would never wear. If I liked something at the thrift store, I bought it, if I liked something at the expensive stores, I went home and bought it for half or less on eBay
I now have a nice small wardrobe of clothes that fit and that I can mix and match.
I'm kind of obsessed and like to just touch each thing and count what I have. I have 7 pants, from wide leg dark jeans to barrel jeans to black palazzo pants and white barrel cotton pants, and a pair of black and white track pants. I also have a pair of green pants, and camo pants! I love pants that are structured and have a strong shape. I have 4 button downs: white, black, blue and blue stripe. I love button downs because they are masculine and have a collar. My dad was a narcissist, so it's complicated. I worshipped him for many years even though he hurt me, I'm told it was like Stockhom syndrome. I'm over it now... except part of me still wants to dress like he did, Respectable and Competent in button down shirts. So, I wear them! I have 2 sweaters: fluffy brown, and white boat neck. I have 4 t shirts: 3 white, 1 black. I have 3 long sleeve t shirts, black, red, blue. I have 1 skirt, long blue satin. I have 8 jackets. Jackets are my thing. Also it's cold where I live. I feel safe in a jacket, without it I feel exposed. This is something I'm working on... but I Also love to layer, and I like that jackets are structured and masculine and say "competent." I have a black leather jacket, a light brown cropped suede jacket and a dark brown suede cropped. A black blazer. An orange jacket! A khaki blazer. A white lady jacket in the Chanel style. And a grey tweed jacket. I love to wear the white lady jacket with just the top button buttoned and the bottom open, making a triangle with the color of my t shirt showing under.
I also love my shoes. For five years I wore black felt clogs. The soles are worn flat. That's all I had! So depressing, I would just slide my sad foot into the clog and shuffle around....I now have pink sneakers, pine green sneakers, leopard print flats, brown loafers, black Chelsea boots, burgundy heeled ankle boots, and sandals. I LOVE putting a pink sneaker with. my blue satin skirt (dressy, and casual! Ready for a formal dinner, and to dance!) Or black track pants with leopard print flats and a blue button down (I'm sporty casual and also business like, with a wild side!)
I LOVE trying on and figuring out what colors I like. How to put opposite colors together for contrast, or analogous colors together for more harmony. How to wear green with orange, or green with blue. And shape, silhouette, how to wear tight with loose, or make a shape with clothes. And texture--velvet, silk, demin, wool, leather.... it's like painting in a way. Contrast, cohesion, harmony, message.
Except it involves me, my body, how I appear in the world, how others see and relate to me and most important, what I WANT TO SAY. Do I want to say "I am feminine and masculine, low contrast and practical?" I could wear a lace black top with a pink blazer, and practical flat shoes. Do I want to say "I'm defended and edgy with a soft feminine side?" I could wear leather jacket with camo pants and pink ballet flats. Do I want to say "I'm competent and have authority, listen up!" I can wear a red top with a blazer and skirt, and boots. Do I want to say "I'm complicated?" LOL. I can wear a barn jacket with wide leg jeans and a pearl necklace, with red sneakers and an oversized scarf. There are so many things I can say with clothes, and I don't have to be loud, dramatic, flashy or weird to dress myself in a way that's interesting and expressive. A simple pair of jeans, a top, and shoes can say a lot. One thing I always try to say is, "I've come a long way to get here." I always try to have something in my outfit that says "rural, practical, poor, simple." That's my background. And something that says "professional, cultured, educated" as that's how I got out of my background. And then something that says "artistic, creative, fun," as that's who I am at heart. Whatever it says, as long as my outfit is intentional, I'm saying "I care about myself. I'm not afraid to be here and engage. I'm here on purpose."
And the clothes are for me only. No one else can wear them, they benefit no one else, they go on my body, to protect it and express it.
The more I consciously ask myself what I want to say, and then go out of the house in my clothes, the more I am able to look people in the eye. Be present. Show up. Start conversations. Smile at people. And feel more part of the human race.
The situation with my health is making my relationship with my body a little more complicated and I Can feel part of me wanting to go back to sweatpants (not that there's anything wrong with sweatpants!It's just not really what I want to say about myself).... part of me wants to stop exploring and forget about my body and just stay in the house daydreaming. But I want to continue forward. I feel keenly aware I have this one life and I made a commitment to myself at a very young age that I would find a way to happiness, I would escape and make a life worth living. I want to continue to keep that promise to myself. Doesn't mean life will be easy or straightforward, but I can make it worth what I went through, I can enjoy happiness where I find it, I can keep showing up and saying what it is I want to say.
Today is New Years Eve. As for many holidays NYE was often tough. I remember one year, I think the year I was nine, frantically cleaning the house before midnight as if that would somehow make a clean slate or fresh start, and then crying when midnight struck and I hadn't finished cleaning the dog's foodbowls. I noticed that today I did quite a bit of cleaning, and I still feel I have more to do. Cleaning is one way I cope with stress. My extended family had some serious hoarders, my mother much milder and she did try to keep house but I"m more of a minimalist and need things to feel a certain way. My kids can be as messy as they want. I just need to mop the floors when I'm stressed!
In the new year I am hoping to continue pursuing making art, making friends, and expressing myself.
I have been studying painting for about seven years, but I still struggle to paint by myself. I get paralyzed and very self conscious and I forget how to do the steps, I get disoriented and freeze. I have my painting table set up.... So I'd like to keep working with myself about that. I will continue meeting with one friend weekly to paint.
I lost most of my friends during the pandemic. The pandemic was overall hellish as my partner works in healthcare and had a breakdown, my child had a breakdown, and then we lost our jobs and were unemployed for almost a year, prepared to move. I also ended up very isolated. I feel like I'm still trying to get back to where we were in 2019. So I am practicing going out every day even if only to the store, and chatting with the workers there. I hope to join a hiking or book club and meet more people. I am also hoping to get back into work part time. I've had a small business for since the pandemic but I'm tired of it and I want to have more structure and leave home to work. I don't know what work I can do as I want to change fields but I'm curious. I hope to meet people and find friends again.
And I want to keep practicing and playing with expressing myself. I do that through writing, but especially lately through clothes. I always thought fashion was silly, frivolous. My father was extremely misogynist and my parents very strict religious. And my father was very frugal to the point of not heating the house, not letting us use hot water.... He could be generous at times he chose, but in general was extremely controlling. So we didn't have new clothes, or didn't have clothes that were in style, and had to dress very plain and modest because he thought it was a waste of money and time to do otherwise. I agreed with those values for a very long time and never bothered much about what I wore. But this year I realized that I often don't leave the house because I'm wearing clothes that make me embarrassed. Or make me feel invisible. Everything was black or grey. Saggy. Five-ten years old and often was already secondhand when I got it. And out of date. It made me feel sad.
Getting out of the depression of the last five years meant getting out of bed, getting out of the house and that meant getting dressed. I would take care of the house chores and kids and then when they left, go back to bed in my sweats.... Instead I took all my clothes out of my closet, got rid of a good bit, and starting going to thrift stores. I also went to very expensive stores and tried things on. Twice a week I would go out and spend a few hours trying on all kinds of things I would never wear. If I liked something at the thrift store, I bought it, if I liked something at the expensive stores, I went home and bought it for half or less on eBay
I now have a nice small wardrobe of clothes that fit and that I can mix and match. I'm kind of obsessed and like to just touch each thing and count what I have. I have 7 pants, from wide leg dark jeans to barrel jeans to black palazzo pants and white barrel cotton pants, and a pair of black and white track pants. I also have a pair of green pants, and camo pants! I love pants that are structured and have a strong shape. I have 4 button downs: white, black, blue and blue stripe. I love button downs because they are masculine and have a collar. My dad was a narcissist, so it's complicated. I worshipped him for many years even though he hurt me, I'm told it was like Stockhom syndrome. I'm over it now... except part of me still wants to dress like he did, Respectable and Competent in button down shirts. So, I wear them! I have 2 sweaters: fluffy brown, and white boat neck. I have 4 t shirts: 3 white, 1 black. I have 3 long sleeve t shirts, black, red, blue. I have 1 skirt, long blue satin. I have 8 jackets. Jackets are my thing. Also it's cold where I live. I feel safe in a jacket, without it I feel exposed. This is something I'm working on... but I Also love to layer, and I like that jackets are structured and masculine and say "competent." I have a black leather jacket, a light brown cropped suede jacket and a dark brown suede cropped. A black blazer. An orange jacket! A khaki blazer. A white lady jacket in the Chanel style. And a grey tweed jacket. I love to wear the white lady jacket with just the top button buttoned and the bottom open, making a triangle with the color of my t shirt showing under.
I also love my shoes. For five years I wore black felt clogs. The soles are worn flat. That's all I had! So depressing, I would just slide my sad foot into the clog and shuffle around....I now have pink sneakers, pine green sneakers, leopard print flats, brown loafers, black Chelsea boots, burgundy heeled ankle boots, and sandals. I LOVE putting a pink sneaker with. my blue satin skirt (dressy, and casual! Ready for a formal dinner, and to dance!) Or black track pants with leopard print flats and a blue button down (I'm sporty casual and also business like, with a wild side!)
I LOVE trying on and figuring out what colors I like. How to put opposite colors together for contrast, or analogous colors together for more harmony. How to wear green with orange, or green with blue. And shape, silhouette, how to wear tight with loose, or make a shape with clothes. And texture--velvet, silk, demin, wool, leather.... it's like painting in a way. Contrast, cohesion, harmony, message.
Except it involves me, my body, how I appear in the world, how others see and relate to me and most important, what I WANT TO SAY. Do I want to say "I am feminine and masculine, low contrast and practical?" I could wear a lace black top with a pink blazer, and practical flat shoes. Do I want to say "I'm defended and edgy with a soft feminine side?" I could wear leather jacket with camo pants and pink ballet flats. Do I want to say "I'm competent and have authority, listen up!" I can wear a red top with a blazer and skirt, and boots. Do I want to say "I'm complicated?" LOL. I can wear a barn jacket with wide leg jeans and a pearl necklace, with red sneakers and an oversized scarf. There are so many things I can say with clothes, and I don't have to be loud, dramatic, flashy or weird to dress myself in a way that's interesting and expressive. A simple pair of jeans, a top, and shoes can say a lot. One thing I always try to say is, "I've come a long way to get here." I always try to have something in my outfit that says "rural, practical, poor, simple." That's my background. And something that says "professional, cultured, educated" as that's how I got out of my background. And then something that says "artistic, creative, fun," as that's who I am at heart. Whatever it says, as long as my outfit is intentional, I'm saying "I care about myself. I'm not afraid to be here and engage. I'm here on purpose."
And the clothes are for me only. No one else can wear them, they benefit no one else, they go on my body, to protect it and express it.
The more I consciously ask myself what I want to say, and then go out of the house in my clothes, the more I am able to look people in the eye. Be present. Show up. Start conversations. Smile at people. And feel more part of the human race.
The situation with my health is making my relationship with my body a little more complicated and I Can feel part of me wanting to go back to sweatpants (not that there's anything wrong with sweatpants!It's just not really what I want to say about myself).... part of me wants to stop exploring and forget about my body and just stay in the house daydreaming. But I want to continue forward. I feel keenly aware I have this one life and I made a commitment to myself at a very young age that I would find a way to happiness, I would escape and make a life worth living. I want to continue to keep that promise to myself. Doesn't mean life will be easy or straightforward, but I can make it worth what I went through, I can enjoy happiness where I find it, I can keep showing up and saying what it is I want to say.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Chart - December 31, 2025, 09:42:11 PMQuote from: Desert Flower on December 31, 2025, 09:18:11 PMTaking care of myself starts here.
It's NEVER too late!
(I'm still dressed but am in bed... and no plans on going anywhere :-)
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - December 31, 2025, 09:18:11 PMI'm really really tired right now. Spent the whole day at an amusement park with h and kids, which was a lot of fun but waaaayyy too much input for my system I'm afraid. I did do some good interventions with my 'floating through space'- music on my headphones, taking a little rest in between attractions.
And tonight is New Year's Eve of course. Not my favourite evening to put it mildly. I always HAD TO enjoy this evening, it HAD TO BE great, it was an absolute MUST. So I used to be out partying hard and I used to drink etc. waaayyy too much and then have some nervous breakdown that I did not understand, or something. Not proud of it but I do understand better now. This evening is so loaded with social expectations, it's just too much to live up to. Especially with CPTSD.
So I've been downscaling the whole thing these past years. I'm not going out, not drinking, not dressing up, sitting here in my pyjamas. We had dinner at an all-you-can-eat Chinese/Japanese buffet restaurant, the opposite of fancy and everybody liked it very much.
And I won't be leaving the house because I am afraid of the fireworks (explosions more like). They scare and startle me so. I hate them thoroughly. And it is only this year that I decided that the proper thing for me to do then, is to stay indoors. What a realisation! HA. Even though everybody expects you to step outside and be nice to the neighbours and congratulate each other on the new year in the street, I'm not going to. Taking care of myself starts here.
And tonight is New Year's Eve of course. Not my favourite evening to put it mildly. I always HAD TO enjoy this evening, it HAD TO BE great, it was an absolute MUST. So I used to be out partying hard and I used to drink etc. waaayyy too much and then have some nervous breakdown that I did not understand, or something. Not proud of it but I do understand better now. This evening is so loaded with social expectations, it's just too much to live up to. Especially with CPTSD.
So I've been downscaling the whole thing these past years. I'm not going out, not drinking, not dressing up, sitting here in my pyjamas. We had dinner at an all-you-can-eat Chinese/Japanese buffet restaurant, the opposite of fancy and everybody liked it very much.
And I won't be leaving the house because I am afraid of the fireworks (explosions more like). They scare and startle me so. I hate them thoroughly. And it is only this year that I decided that the proper thing for me to do then, is to stay indoors. What a realisation! HA. Even though everybody expects you to step outside and be nice to the neighbours and congratulate each other on the new year in the street, I'm not going to. Taking care of myself starts here.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - December 31, 2025, 09:02:26 PMThank you DF. You too, Happy New Year 2026.
I look forward to continuing the healing work we've all begun. This road is so much less steep with you and all the other beautiful people here.
I look forward to continuing the healing work we've all begun. This road is so much less steep with you and all the other beautiful people here.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Desert Flower - December 31, 2025, 08:57:18 PMThere's so much in your post nr. 21 that I relate to. Finding out about CPTSD a couple of years ago (one and a half for me). Looking back at how we've been trying to cope all these years before. Working so hard at healing...
I'm tired myself at the moment so I just want to wish you all the best for 2026, everything you need to heal and get your energy up. And especially lots of love to your inner children, it has been very good hearing from them and sad too. They are safe here too.
I'm tired myself at the moment so I just want to wish you all the best for 2026, everything you need to heal and get your energy up. And especially lots of love to your inner children, it has been very good hearing from them and sad too. They are safe here too.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 31, 2025, 08:40:54 PMCount me in for the ice cream party! 🍦 
Happy New Year to y'all !
Happy New Year to y'all !