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Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Finding my centre

« Last post by notalone on Today at 02:41:12 AM »

Wow! Powerful and beautiful.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

« Last post by notalone on Today at 02:39:33 AM »

Then I thought about my own abuse.  I have never really spoke about who my abusers were on the forum.  I suppose I’ve always been a bit embarrassed.  I worried that people would look down on me and think that I could have left... that I brought the abuse on myself. (Ugh... “you brought this on yourself” is still a triggering phrase for me)

Deep breath... ok here goes...
I was abused by my former best friend and her family. You really couldn’t write this stuff    It took over a year for them to groom me but eventually I became their punching bag, their * object and their scapegoat.

But this whole thing with the teacher made me realize something... It wasn’t cuz of my own stupidity that this happened.  It’s because they chose me.  They saw someone desperate for love and attention.  Someone that was ignored in her own family because she would never measure up... devalued for being a female. So they chose me... they chose me and groomed me accordingly.

I didn’t bring it on myself after all

Deep Blue,
I think it was brave for you to share that with us. No, you did not bring it on yourself. It was not your fault. They took advantage of someone vulnerable. Sending you a tender, compassionate hug. 

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Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 5 -- looking forward

« Last post by notalone on Today at 02:26:21 AM »

Please continue to get rest and have good self-care. Hope you feel better soon. 

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Recovery Journals / Re: SharpAndBlunt's journal. A way to remember my commitment

« Last post by notalone on Today at 02:24:24 AM »

After feeling angry, critical, ashamed, lonely, abandoned, unlovable, dirty and weak-----really big, difficult feelings----showering, getting dressed and shopping is not a little thing, but a big accomplishment. I did not hear self pity in your works; I heard a lot of pain.

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Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: I was born into captivity

« Last post by bluepalm on June 15, 2019, 10:46:41 PM »

Thank you BeHea1thy. I'm finding writing poetry, with its need for concise wording, to be an invaluable outlet for emotion and understanding at the moment. Once I've clarified something in words for myself, it lessens the distress somehow and gives me relief. I'm grateful to those who read my words and those who respond with their thoughts - it feels like a validation of my existence. I'm alive and I'm speaking and I'm being heard.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's Adventure pt. 4

« Last post by Elphanigh on June 15, 2019, 09:59:19 PM »

Thanks dear  You're very right, and I appreciate knowing you're glad I am doing well.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's Adventure pt. 4

« Last post by Deep Blue on June 15, 2019, 09:46:51 PM »

We all move at our own pace sweetie.  We are of all ages, all genders, and have had many different types of trauma.  Comparing any of us is like comparing apples to oranges ya know?

Much love and I’m glad you are doing well. 

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Anxiety (eg General, Social, Panic Attacks) / Shortness of breath

« Last post by Gromit on June 15, 2019, 09:24:43 PM »

I think my shortness of breath and all that that brings is due to my son's exams. I was fine with them until he experienced a migraine in an exam. Now I am struggling to catch my breath almost all the time. I can do yoga exercises to balance my breathing but, as soon as I stop I am back, with incomplete yawning, struggling to catch my breath. I think the only time I am breathing ok is when I am asleep or totally engrossed in something good on the TV. 'Killing Eve' anyone?

I am hoping things will get back to normal when the exams end but the shortness of breath has persisted through weekends.

Is this because of C-PTSD or just general anxiety? I have only experienced it like this once before, I am not sure what changed and when it went before. I am not on any medication at the moment, but I was last time.
G

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Mother's/Father's Day / Father's Day

« Last post by Gromit on June 15, 2019, 09:08:10 PM »

 My father never bothered about Fathers Day, my mother probably would not want him too, too jealous of the fact I got on better with him than with her.

But I have just seen one of those Facebook posts, showing a bride with her father. A kick as I recall my father chose not to come to my wedding, although he is still alive and, at the time, he did seem to want to even though my mother did her best not to agree to come.

Father's Day does not normally bother me as we never marked it but now....ah. Probably because some other post on Facebook reminded me of how much I miss out on, how isolated I am, I only have my little family, no one else wants me.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's Adventure pt. 4

« Last post by Elphanigh on June 15, 2019, 08:00:01 PM »

Thank you Deep Blue

It is really good to hear from you. I keep trying to remind myself of all the hard work I have done to deserve to move on in the ways I am. It helps some, more so to hear it from someone else too honestly.

I guess I just feel guilt over getting to do so early on in life, when I know people that deserve to be getting to move on more than I do. Maybe paid more dues etc? Idk, comparing is never healthy, so I need to kick this thought process