Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - Today at 05:10:57 AMSan, I think we're all in between layers in a way. 
Thanks for your response again, your insight is always appreciated.
I just realized today how hard I've disassociated this past month. A lot of big assignments were due for one of my classes today. It dawned on me last night how badly I had lost touch with reality when I realized how I didn't put my full effort into these tasks the way I usually do--enthusiastically, too. I spaced on two of them and the rest were incomplete or just minimum effort.. I hold myself to a high standard so I had to fix a lot of it today. I did manage to prepare myself for a few of them very well, considering. But still--wow.
A visit with my partner really snapped me out of it this last weekend though in some ways. The glumness is subsiding for now! He made me smile and laugh quite a lot which I needed. That's a win.
I still find myself, however, constantly looking for ways to escape my mind. Like I daydream about playing video games for comfort and distraction very often. I'm starting to notice an uptick in that behavior when things get tough. Funny thing is, I never actually end up playing them. I watch YouTube during my daily tasks, occupying my thoughts with the lives and problems of other individuals or the conflicts of the world. Just an observation. I wish I'd stop doing that.
I hope everyone is doing ok. Christmas is around the corner and a lot of people are dreading it--more importantly, I hope everyone is staying safe. Love, always. x
Thanks for your response again, your insight is always appreciated.I just realized today how hard I've disassociated this past month. A lot of big assignments were due for one of my classes today. It dawned on me last night how badly I had lost touch with reality when I realized how I didn't put my full effort into these tasks the way I usually do--enthusiastically, too. I spaced on two of them and the rest were incomplete or just minimum effort.. I hold myself to a high standard so I had to fix a lot of it today. I did manage to prepare myself for a few of them very well, considering. But still--wow.
A visit with my partner really snapped me out of it this last weekend though in some ways. The glumness is subsiding for now! He made me smile and laugh quite a lot which I needed. That's a win.
I still find myself, however, constantly looking for ways to escape my mind. Like I daydream about playing video games for comfort and distraction very often. I'm starting to notice an uptick in that behavior when things get tough. Funny thing is, I never actually end up playing them. I watch YouTube during my daily tasks, occupying my thoughts with the lives and problems of other individuals or the conflicts of the world. Just an observation. I wish I'd stop doing that.
I hope everyone is doing ok. Christmas is around the corner and a lot of people are dreading it--more importantly, I hope everyone is staying safe. Love, always. x
#2
Physical Issues / Re: Emotional Regulation and (...
Last post by Erec - November 18, 2025, 09:17:17 PMThanks, the article seems very interesting.
#3
Physical Issues / Re: Skin problems in stressful...
Last post by Erec - November 18, 2025, 09:09:33 PMThank you for sharing your stories.
It seems that, although not in the same way for everyone, the skin often reacts to stress in general, and to the reactivation of traumatic memories in particular.
Over the past few years, I've read several articles on the role of inflammation in mental health issues (starting with Professor Bullmore's book "The Inflamed Mind"). Many of these articles identify "early life adversities" as factors that predispose to an excessive inflammatory response. In my particular case, also considering the pathologies of other members of my family, I believe there is a correlation between the mental and dermatological aspects, and intestinal inflammation. I'm trying to understand more so that I can seek help from my new psychiatrist based on solid data.
It seems that, although not in the same way for everyone, the skin often reacts to stress in general, and to the reactivation of traumatic memories in particular.
Over the past few years, I've read several articles on the role of inflammation in mental health issues (starting with Professor Bullmore's book "The Inflamed Mind"). Many of these articles identify "early life adversities" as factors that predispose to an excessive inflammatory response. In my particular case, also considering the pathologies of other members of my family, I believe there is a correlation between the mental and dermatological aspects, and intestinal inflammation. I'm trying to understand more so that I can seek help from my new psychiatrist based on solid data.
#4
Physical Issues / Re: Skin problems in stressful...
Last post by EB - November 18, 2025, 08:04:56 PMHi Erec
I definitely get skin responses to past trauma and anxiety.
On me it manifests as hives or skin yeast infection. The yeast infection is treatable with steroid + anti-fungal cream.
The hives I don't itch and wait out.
Usually the skin reaction will occur when I do not expect it but so far I'm always able to imagine a link it to a traumatic event. Often because of the placement of the inflammation on my body I have a "you've got to be kidding me" response.
So different in some ways to your experience but also similar.
Thanks for sharing
I definitely get skin responses to past trauma and anxiety.
On me it manifests as hives or skin yeast infection. The yeast infection is treatable with steroid + anti-fungal cream.
The hives I don't itch and wait out.
Usually the skin reaction will occur when I do not expect it but so far I'm always able to imagine a link it to a traumatic event. Often because of the placement of the inflammation on my body I have a "you've got to be kidding me" response.
So different in some ways to your experience but also similar.
Thanks for sharing
#5
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Sudden waves of sadness
Last post by Silveris - November 18, 2025, 06:56:56 PMSorry for replying late - time and me are not on the best of terms as of late... Thank you all for replying and I'm glad that others can relate or feel seen.
What I'm saying is that I've noticed some triggers that make be break down and I can see some of them, but others are less noticeable and their effects can show later and unprompted. It doesn't fully explain the sudden waves of sadness but at least I see some connections now.
Anyway, thank you for your feedback and insights. I hope your emotions become easier to manage and I wish you best of luck with your EMDR therapy.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 25, 2025, 01:10:13 PMi was utilizing EMDR therapy, which brought up the emotions i hadn't been aware of at the timeI've started seeing a therapist and we've touched on EMDR a little but not much yet. Still, with their guidance I've had a few breakthroughs with unraveling some emotions I haven't felt before. Namely sympathy and anger. Sympathy/pity for myself back then as a child, and indignant anger for the child having to endure dangerous situations. I have never felt sympathy for myself or harbored any grudges but I'm glad I've unlocked new emotions in my disposal. These achievements paired with getting more in touch with my emotions via somatic exercises helps to navigate the mental landscape and gives me a bit of insight into why I have these rare outbursts.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 25, 2025, 01:10:13 PMextremely strong emotions, such as anger, have often built up over time, have settled within me without me knowing about it, and then the straw breaks that camel's back, and i kind of explode. over timeBy now I can better understand that I'm in a volatile state but it's not a total control or understanding. I'm still not sure what exact emotions are simmering and marinating inside, but I can guess better. But I have noticed a thing in the past few months. During hard times when my mental state is undermined, there can be triggers that tip the scales. Usually it's something small, like a sentence I read or an image I see. For example a song I was listening to had a lyric "You're hailing from a broken home" and it made me immediately tear up and lose composure. Something in me related and resonated with it so much it was a breaking point then and there. Or earlier, I was watching a documentary about Chris McCandless, the guy who traveled the country and retreated to the nature to escape the world to live in peace and solitude. He died alone but died happy and has lived more than most of people ever will. His life and story made me break down multiple times as I resonated with the primal desire to just go away and be free.
What I'm saying is that I've noticed some triggers that make be break down and I can see some of them, but others are less noticeable and their effects can show later and unprompted. It doesn't fully explain the sudden waves of sadness but at least I see some connections now.
Anyway, thank you for your feedback and insights. I hope your emotions become easier to manage and I wish you best of luck with your EMDR therapy.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 18, 2025, 03:48:09 PMPC, that was great advice, to trust my heart. thank you for that. she's going thru a rough time w/ someone right now, so i know this is not a good time to say anything about my concerns. i appreciate you gilligan example, and i agree w/ it. one screw-up, one action that is not the 'norm' can label you forever, no matter the true circumstances or how we've evolved. or, too often in my case, because i followed my own path, which others deemed 'irresponsible', so my entire experience was written off, no matter the reality of what it entailed. yep, got it! and thank you very much for your kind words. today, especially, they were truly appreciated. 
still editing - gettin' it done, but it's, as always, a back-breaker.
still editing - gettin' it done, but it's, as always, a back-breaker.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 18, 2025, 03:40:34 PMbach, i'm hoping the next time your good feelings will last longer. however, i'm really glad you got to have some, even if only for a little while. that hope thing is so important, too. love and hugs
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 18, 2025, 03:37:25 PMPC, you've reiterated my belief about the body keeping our unexpressed energy. i've been sure that most of my physical ailments come from storing the energy of emotions i wasn't able to express. and emotions carry energy. i can easily jump onto the train of heart attacks may be due to unexpressed heart pain. all very fascinating, and i'm so glad you're getting closer to healing these pains. that is wonderful! love and hugs
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Papa Coco - November 18, 2025, 03:19:30 PMSO,
I too am terrified at the doorbell and the phone when it rings. My heart goes into my throat. I see some growth in you though in that you didn't fawn over the partier who wanted you to give him booze. Good for you!!!!! That's something to put in your pocket as a win. I'll always take a win, even a small one.
I have a noisy neighborhood too. For years I've been angry and hurt and frustrated over the music and barking dogs, but more and more I'm giving in and just wearing earmuffs and turning on loud fans at bedtime. If I thought I could find a better place to live, I'd move, but so far, I can't, so I'm doing plan B instead. It's starting to be easier for me to deal with a little. Still...maybe someday I can find a quieter home.
I'm deeply fascinated by your upcoming trip alone off the grid. The battle going on inside you is what's got me so enthralled. You want to do something that you find has value. You're doing it for you. Even though these trips make you feel alone and stressed, you still do them because you see a true value in them. BUT then you feel like you shouldn't do them. Like a little part of you is telling you that you shouldn't, while a bigger part of you is encouraging you to do it.
Some of the members of the forum have taught me a saying, "You're shoulding all over yourself." HA HA! I love that saying and I use it all the time now.
If going off grid for extended time periods helps you find any healing at all in your soul then I'm impressed you are working up the courage to do them, and not letting your little should-head guilt you into stopping.
What I've learned in my incessant reading of any books written by successful trauma therapists, is that courage is the fence that we stand on. With each event of our lives we choose which side of the fence to step off into: the "retreating" side where we continue to hide in fear or the "go for it" side where we risk actually living in success. I know it's a good thing to pick our battles, and retreat when it's appropriate, but I'm starting to see that it can be a good thing to step off into the "go for it" side once in a while too. The doorbell rings and we feel fear. If we choose to cower to the fear, we hide and remain afraid. If we choose to gather enough courage to open the door even while we're afraid, we find resolution. Sometimes hiding saves us from harm. Sometimes opening the door does. I guess that's what's called Discernment: Knowing when to advance and when to retreat. It's a good skill to cultivate.
Courage to face our emotions transforms fear into accomplishments.
The emotion I deal with more than all others is the emotion of Apathy. Apathy is when I give up and roll over and decide life isn't worth living and my values mean nothing and it just doesn't matter anymore. What I've learned through my studies is that if I can add a little courage to my appathy and decide that I AM worth something, the emotion of Apathy transforms into the emotion of Surrender.
Surrender is to say, "I am willing to let go of my own desires in favor of getting with the program". It tends to lead to acceptance of the things I can't change, which then diverts my energies into the things I'd forgotten I CAN change.
Apathy is to say, "I'm letting go and I don't care anymore." It tends to lead to an inability to accept the things I can't change, and takes all the energy away from the things I CAN change.
When going for it is the right choice, courage is alchemy. It turns lead into gold within our hearts. Courage is being willing to open the door even though we're scared to do so. Courage is being willing to take a long trip off the grid even when parts of us are screaming in our heads to not do it.
I'm impressed by your courage. I have never had the courage to go off grid alone like what you're doing.
Good luck and I hope it's the best off-grid trip of all so far.
PC
I too am terrified at the doorbell and the phone when it rings. My heart goes into my throat. I see some growth in you though in that you didn't fawn over the partier who wanted you to give him booze. Good for you!!!!! That's something to put in your pocket as a win. I'll always take a win, even a small one.
I have a noisy neighborhood too. For years I've been angry and hurt and frustrated over the music and barking dogs, but more and more I'm giving in and just wearing earmuffs and turning on loud fans at bedtime. If I thought I could find a better place to live, I'd move, but so far, I can't, so I'm doing plan B instead. It's starting to be easier for me to deal with a little. Still...maybe someday I can find a quieter home.
I'm deeply fascinated by your upcoming trip alone off the grid. The battle going on inside you is what's got me so enthralled. You want to do something that you find has value. You're doing it for you. Even though these trips make you feel alone and stressed, you still do them because you see a true value in them. BUT then you feel like you shouldn't do them. Like a little part of you is telling you that you shouldn't, while a bigger part of you is encouraging you to do it.
Some of the members of the forum have taught me a saying, "You're shoulding all over yourself." HA HA! I love that saying and I use it all the time now.
If going off grid for extended time periods helps you find any healing at all in your soul then I'm impressed you are working up the courage to do them, and not letting your little should-head guilt you into stopping.
What I've learned in my incessant reading of any books written by successful trauma therapists, is that courage is the fence that we stand on. With each event of our lives we choose which side of the fence to step off into: the "retreating" side where we continue to hide in fear or the "go for it" side where we risk actually living in success. I know it's a good thing to pick our battles, and retreat when it's appropriate, but I'm starting to see that it can be a good thing to step off into the "go for it" side once in a while too. The doorbell rings and we feel fear. If we choose to cower to the fear, we hide and remain afraid. If we choose to gather enough courage to open the door even while we're afraid, we find resolution. Sometimes hiding saves us from harm. Sometimes opening the door does. I guess that's what's called Discernment: Knowing when to advance and when to retreat. It's a good skill to cultivate.
Courage to face our emotions transforms fear into accomplishments.
The emotion I deal with more than all others is the emotion of Apathy. Apathy is when I give up and roll over and decide life isn't worth living and my values mean nothing and it just doesn't matter anymore. What I've learned through my studies is that if I can add a little courage to my appathy and decide that I AM worth something, the emotion of Apathy transforms into the emotion of Surrender.
Surrender is to say, "I am willing to let go of my own desires in favor of getting with the program". It tends to lead to acceptance of the things I can't change, which then diverts my energies into the things I'd forgotten I CAN change.
Apathy is to say, "I'm letting go and I don't care anymore." It tends to lead to an inability to accept the things I can't change, and takes all the energy away from the things I CAN change.
When going for it is the right choice, courage is alchemy. It turns lead into gold within our hearts. Courage is being willing to open the door even though we're scared to do so. Courage is being willing to take a long trip off the grid even when parts of us are screaming in our heads to not do it.
I'm impressed by your courage. I have never had the courage to go off grid alone like what you're doing.
Good luck and I hope it's the best off-grid trip of all so far.
PC
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Bach - November 18, 2025, 03:15:40 PM