Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 02:04:29 AM I had a difficult talk with my brother's widow today. I apologized for bringing up my brother's memory, but I needed any information she could give me about his memories of our collective child abuse. She's the only person left alive who might know.
It was a heartbreaking experience to hear in her voice how defeated she is. She's world- weary, bedridden, still haunted by painful memories, the familial trauma that bled into her relationship, her children, her grandchildren.
She was astonished that I would actively seek out details that would reveal my repressed memories. She thought it was better to leave the past buried and move on. But that's what she tried to do and it's killing her. You can't put it away or run from it. It follows you wherever you go.
She had no useful information for me and I let it drop.
It's amazing how far I've come in these last 3 years. Undergoing DBR and directly confronting my trauma has been liberating.
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Rolled disco was a blast! I'm improving noticeably with each outing. I've moved into balance and footwork and didn't fall once! My right leg is stronger and more stable than my left, so I deliberately worked on it. Still can't skate backwards yet.
It was a heartbreaking experience to hear in her voice how defeated she is. She's world- weary, bedridden, still haunted by painful memories, the familial trauma that bled into her relationship, her children, her grandchildren.
She was astonished that I would actively seek out details that would reveal my repressed memories. She thought it was better to leave the past buried and move on. But that's what she tried to do and it's killing her. You can't put it away or run from it. It follows you wherever you go.
She had no useful information for me and I let it drop.
It's amazing how far I've come in these last 3 years. Undergoing DBR and directly confronting my trauma has been liberating.
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Rolled disco was a blast! I'm improving noticeably with each outing. I've moved into balance and footwork and didn't fall once! My right leg is stronger and more stable than my left, so I deliberately worked on it. Still can't skate backwards yet.
#2
Letters of Recovery / Re: to the ones that raised me...
Last post by asdis - March 12, 2026, 10:28:24 PMYou know about half of the surgery. You tried to say it wasn't necessary. I shut it down. You're trying to get me to go to a subscription based medical practice (it could actually be helpful) but their website reads like an MLM. You sent me a song I don't recognize that you think used to be "one of ours"; I had a panic attack reading the title before I even comprehended what I read. I cannot reconcile who you were in my childhood with who you portray yourself to be now.
I have been stuck reliving every time you told me you didn't want me. Every time you told me I was "too sick", every time I was "too soft", every time I was "not trying", every time I was "making things up". The one that's been bothering me the most is remembering that article you shared on facebook, M. The one from that "mom blog" where the lady wrote a novel about how unfair and awful it is for a parent to have a child with mental health issues. The link that you captioned "THIS! I feel so seen, it describes my life perfectly! So Good!". The one where I read "I'd rather have no child at all". I tried to talk to you about it, I tried to tell you that I read it and it had no regard for the feelings of anyone's children that might come across it. I tried to tell you that it hurt me. You just shut it down. You tried to tell me you "didn't mean that part" and "didn't see it" and "meant the good things she wrote". You told me that I wasn't "bad enough, often enough" for you to feel that way, but sometimes. That it was "hard for the family" when I was in the hospital and after I got out. That it was "unfair" to spend so much time and energy on one kid, that it "wasn't kind" of me to have had a crisis when my younger sibling wasn't even in middle school yet. That it "only seemed" like my younger sibling got more time and energy because most of what was spent on me was court ordered.
It's getting harder and harder to interact with you at all. My brain's been trying to tell me that you've been replaced again, that the real you is coming back as soon as I give an opening. Like it happened in high school. And college. And after. I cannot reconcile who you were in my childhood with anything you portray now. It is incredibly painful and destabilizing. I need you to continue receiving any kind of care at all and yet you're often the reason I end up in crisis. You left me to die but without you I'd be dead.
Maybe this is exactly where you want me. If the last time I saw your true selves is any indication, I'm inclined to believe that it is.
I have been stuck reliving every time you told me you didn't want me. Every time you told me I was "too sick", every time I was "too soft", every time I was "not trying", every time I was "making things up". The one that's been bothering me the most is remembering that article you shared on facebook, M. The one from that "mom blog" where the lady wrote a novel about how unfair and awful it is for a parent to have a child with mental health issues. The link that you captioned "THIS! I feel so seen, it describes my life perfectly! So Good!". The one where I read "I'd rather have no child at all". I tried to talk to you about it, I tried to tell you that I read it and it had no regard for the feelings of anyone's children that might come across it. I tried to tell you that it hurt me. You just shut it down. You tried to tell me you "didn't mean that part" and "didn't see it" and "meant the good things she wrote". You told me that I wasn't "bad enough, often enough" for you to feel that way, but sometimes. That it was "hard for the family" when I was in the hospital and after I got out. That it was "unfair" to spend so much time and energy on one kid, that it "wasn't kind" of me to have had a crisis when my younger sibling wasn't even in middle school yet. That it "only seemed" like my younger sibling got more time and energy because most of what was spent on me was court ordered.
It's getting harder and harder to interact with you at all. My brain's been trying to tell me that you've been replaced again, that the real you is coming back as soon as I give an opening. Like it happened in high school. And college. And after. I cannot reconcile who you were in my childhood with anything you portray now. It is incredibly painful and destabilizing. I need you to continue receiving any kind of care at all and yet you're often the reason I end up in crisis. You left me to die but without you I'd be dead.
Maybe this is exactly where you want me. If the last time I saw your true selves is any indication, I'm inclined to believe that it is.
#3
Art / Re: Happy International Women'...
Last post by Teddy bear - March 12, 2026, 07:54:51 PMQuote from: Blueberry on March 12, 2026, 06:28:55 PMYes, we seem to. I have nothing like your drawing talent though! I do put colour to paper sometimes but it's a way for me to either release emotions or gently explore what's going on in me when I can't otherwise feel.
Thank you so much
I just studied at an art school as a kid. And I think, I am definitely a visual perception person.
Your way of expression sounds very artistic 💯
#4
Art / Re: Happy International Women'...
Last post by Blueberry - March 12, 2026, 06:28:55 PMYes, we seem to. I have nothing like your drawing talent though! I do put colour to paper sometimes but it's a way for me to either release emotions or gently explore what's going on in me when I can't otherwise feel.
#5
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by MiaBailey - March 12, 2026, 06:28:17 PMInteresting that you all experienced similar mental life rafts in noticing the decency and kind acts of others. Yes, it was something simple -- that man probably never gave it a second thought and had no idea that that act of kindness would be an example of goodness for a neglected little girl. It was a gift.
#6
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today - ...
Last post by Blueberry - March 12, 2026, 06:25:12 PM1) The sun was shining today
2) Despite feeling a cold on the way I spent some time outside well wrapped up doing some communal work like sweeping at least part of the drive.
3) I got my spring to autumn bike out of its winter wrappings and feel happy to be riding it again
2) Despite feeling a cold on the way I spent some time outside well wrapped up doing some communal work like sweeping at least part of the drive.
3) I got my spring to autumn bike out of its winter wrappings and feel happy to be riding it again
#7
Art / Re: Happy International Women'...
Last post by Teddy bear - March 12, 2026, 06:15:47 PMQuote from: Blueberry on March 12, 2026, 06:10:00 PMThese are very pretty. I like the colours and the clear, bold shapes.
Thank you 😊
Seems we have similar tastes 🤝
#8
Art / Re: Happy International Women'...
Last post by Blueberry - March 12, 2026, 06:10:00 PMThese are very pretty. I like the colours and the clear, bold shapes.
#9
Art / Re: Just some of my drawings
Last post by Teddy bear - March 12, 2026, 06:09:41 PM #10
Art / Re: Just some of my drawings
Last post by Blueberry - March 12, 2026, 06:07:51 PMI think your drawings are lovely too.