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Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's adventure pt. 3
« Last post by Three Roses on Today at 05:13:16 AM »

You're so inspiring! Thanks for posting.
You're not useless. Take your time, there is no pressure to post. You're dealing with such heavy issues right now, you are right to focus on yourself. We will support you to the best of our ability!
Introductory Post / Re: Hi from a newbie
« Last post by notalone on Today at 04:01:17 AM »
Welcome. Glad you found OOTS.
Sexual Abuse / Re: Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« Last post by caroline on Today at 12:37:00 AM »
Thank you all so much.  l have phoned and left a message for my old therapist. I have a appointment with the mental health nurse based at my gp surgery for tomorrow. I don't know how to say the words for how I feel/am though. Maybe i will write it down and just hand it to her and run. I have gotten in touch with a friend who is free tomorrow afternoon and she is going to meet me after my appointment tomorrow.

I don't think my sister will talk if someone else is there. I can ask but I don't think she wants anyone else to hear anything.

I i just wrote the word tomorrow about 50 times..again, thank you for the support. I'm a bit usless at this forum stuff (forgetting to reply etc) but you are all so amazing with each other it made me feel i could say this here. Thamk you
Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's adventure pt. 3
« Last post by Elphanigh on February 21, 2019, 11:00:18 PM »
I have been here a lot this week. I will likely be here more tonight but for now I wanted to write out things I could be excited about. I wrote down my fears and feel like I need to write why I am excited to balance it out.

1. Moving in May means time to settle into a new town and space before having to settle into the stress of school. It also gives me the opportunity to work into a therapeutic relationship without the stress of school already being present.

2. It means I get to leave my very stressful job sooner which really is such a great thing.

3. I will have time to take an entire week to move and unpack. I have never had that freedom before.

4. I get to start my new chapter. I do truly believe this is what I am meant to be doing with my life. I am meant to help others and specifically to help survivors of trauma take back their lives and their voices. Everyone deserves to be heard and I have the ability to hear many people in my career. I intend to listen and hold space for as many people as I can, and guide as many as I can to where they want to be. That all starts with getting my degree, with learning the skills my Master's program has to teach me. I am a healer and an advocate now, but goodness the things I will be able to do when trained and empowered.

That last one alone is enough to move my life. It is enough to risk leaving the life I have built here and having to rebuild a new one again. It is worth leaving the first place I made home for myself, the first place where I was truly myself. I can be a fuller more true version of myself in Iowa, one that is on a beautiful path. Being able to help others more fully is enough for me to face all the fears I am going through right now... and to kick all the doubts aside and remember why I am being brave and taking a giant leap of faith. The people I can help, people I don't even know yet, are enough for me to do this. So I will be brave, strong, and resilient. I will tap into my excitement and help ease my own fears or at least learn to live with them better. I will do this with such passion and heart that nothing could possibly deter me from it.

I am strong and brave. I am not fearless but I can conquer and work with the fears rather than against them. They mean I have something to gain and learn. I meant to be walking this path and have known that for a logn time. Even when I was super little all I wanted to was to help others. Every plan I ever had for my own life revolved around how that could make the world more full of kindness, and even just a little brighter for other people. It was and is some innate part of my being and I am finally allowing myself the chance to really let that flourish. To use that heart as a strength and not view it as my weakness. It was never a weakness even though it felt like it for so long.

My past also helps here. I will never say I am grateful for my abuse or for my CPSTD and I don't think I need to be. That does not mean that I can't use that experience to help and to grow. It doesn't mean that I can't use it to be a better healer. I think I can utilize it without being grateful it happened.

Tomorrow's interviews are huge and nerve wrecking however they are a chance towards experience in my field. They are a chance to share my passions and ideas and to get to have a strong place on this campus come August. They are a way for me to start to stretch my wings a little, and have even more chance to learn and grow. So I will not be fearless, but I will be confident and brave.

That took a turn I did not expect it to but I am glad it did.  ;D
Friends / Re: Alone
« Last post by AncientSoul on February 21, 2019, 10:39:50 PM »
Hi Hope:

Thanks for saying hello, and my thoughts are positive for you and thinking that you're okay.

As for me, within the last year there have been many of my old friends die far too early. Ages forty, fifty and a few sixties. So I've been quiet. One sat down in her chair and didn't wake up. She and I were going to look into a class reunion, as she was to take over what I have been doing in facilitating those.

And I discovered Vitamin K-2. It has helped with my past broken arm and leg. It was part of a dementia study that an adjunct professor friend of mine was informing me about.  His wife has Alzheimer's, so I'm called time to time for my input.

As for being here, I rarely post anything anymore. But when I do, I suppose its to feel expression.  And I have truly forgotten what being wanted feels like. But I'm strong and getting stronger, and life is my own and in my own control.  Things will get far better!

I hope that you are happy! You've been a bright light in my days.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Overload
« Last post by Kizzie on February 21, 2019, 07:39:56 PM »
Employment / Re: Decision
« Last post by Kizzie on February 21, 2019, 07:38:00 PM »
 :cheer:  Glad it went well.   :thumbup:    You're absolutely correct about it mattering how others help you to learn, you're each half of the equation  :yes:
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Overload
« Last post by Snookiebookie on February 21, 2019, 07:32:27 PM »
Thank you Kizzie.

Your words mean so much.

I've struggled to label my mum as NPD.  When I read the symptoms/characteristics I never see anything that matches my mum. But your comments have helped.  It may help me reframe my thoughts about "why" this has happened.

I think my therapy is pretty much at an end. But I will discuss this week with her.  Being triggered like this is the only thing that I would need her for.   I have been doing well as I'm only seeing her once a month and was looking to see her once every two months as I tail off.

Thank you once again.

SB x
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Overload
« Last post by Kizzie on February 21, 2019, 06:57:48 PM »
So sorry to hear you're having a tough time right now Snookie. Glad you are posting about it as it can help to give your feelings some 'sunshine therapy' and let others support you.   :grouphug:

Such a betrayal by your M, it is something I understand all too well as my M had NPD albeit more covert than yours from the sounds of it.  One thing that has helped me enormously is to think of her betrayal as a symptom of her NPD.  Lack of empathy, smear campaigns, gas lighting are all part of the behaviour that results from having NPD, not because you or I or any child who has a parent with NPD deserved to be treated as we were.

Perhaps those old feelings of "it must be me, something I did/did not do" are coming to the surface because you have had some threats from co-workers and your T. That's when mine seems to bubble up.  At least now I know that's the case, before I would have anxiety or an EF and not understand why.

Perhaps it would be an idea to also talk with your T about all this, including how you feel about ending therapy?  It may be that a comfort blanket IS what you need  :Idunno:
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