Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - March 11, 2026, 10:52:34 PMNK,
I'm going again tomorrow. My new skates won't be here in time, so I'll have to use rentals. Boo!
Roller disco is a blast! It's a good "happy place". I'm active and completely disconnected from anything that would otherwise trouble me. I'm slowly building up my skills. I'm still far from fancy footwork, but I'm really enjoying it.
-Slashy
I'm going again tomorrow. My new skates won't be here in time, so I'll have to use rentals. Boo!
Roller disco is a blast! It's a good "happy place". I'm active and completely disconnected from anything that would otherwise trouble me. I'm slowly building up my skills. I'm still far from fancy footwork, but I'm really enjoying it.
-Slashy
#2
Letters of Recovery / Dear "Mom"...
Last post by GoSlash27 - March 11, 2026, 10:32:31 PM I remember the day you showed up at D's funeral, angrily informing everyone that you "wanted to see your son". Looking back on that day, it's bitterly ironic that you wanted to see him then, because your not wanting to see him when he was a child was exactly what put him in that casket. His lifelong anger issues culminating in his assault on your granddaughter, the destruction of his marriage, and his suicide were a DIRECT RESULT of the actions you took to ensure that you wouldn't see or hear him.
Locking him in his room, beating him if he made enough sound for you to notice his existence. Unlike V and me, he didn't repress the memories. He remembered all of it. That's why he was the way he was. His suicide was your fault.
That's the kind of mother you were. You coveted "having" children. You would rather have killed us than let someone else take us from you. But at the same time you resented the responsibility that came with us. You hated interacting with us, looking at us, hearing us. Not just when you were crazy, but it was your MO throughout your whole life. You wanted to party all night and sleep all day, and you would do anything to make sure you had that. Even if it meant neglecting and torturing your own children.
You ruined every child you ever had for life.
Did you know that they had to rehabilitate me to get me to speak again? To interact with the world again? I know you were busy partying it up in Jamaica or wherever while I was in the shelter at 3 years old and all, but did you even *know* about that? Or that they had to teach V to eat because you were too lazy to feed her properly?
If you had even a bare minimum of love for any of us, you would have never tried to regain custody of us. You knew what you were.
You never loved anyone in your life. Neither of your husbands or any of the men you were screwing on the side. Just people to be used and manipulate.
You were the victim of domestic violence multiple times. When your daughter got home with your ashes, she threw them in the trash and banished you to go haunt a landfill. And you know what? I don't think that's adequate punishment for what you did to us.
Even if I overcome the lifelong PTSD, I will never ever form a memory properly like others do. I'm crippled for life because of what you did to me.
You died so brain addled that you didn't even remember ever having had children. I feel cheated. You should have remembered it and despised yourself at least half as much as I do.
So goodbye and good riddance.
Locking him in his room, beating him if he made enough sound for you to notice his existence. Unlike V and me, he didn't repress the memories. He remembered all of it. That's why he was the way he was. His suicide was your fault.
That's the kind of mother you were. You coveted "having" children. You would rather have killed us than let someone else take us from you. But at the same time you resented the responsibility that came with us. You hated interacting with us, looking at us, hearing us. Not just when you were crazy, but it was your MO throughout your whole life. You wanted to party all night and sleep all day, and you would do anything to make sure you had that. Even if it meant neglecting and torturing your own children.
You ruined every child you ever had for life.
Did you know that they had to rehabilitate me to get me to speak again? To interact with the world again? I know you were busy partying it up in Jamaica or wherever while I was in the shelter at 3 years old and all, but did you even *know* about that? Or that they had to teach V to eat because you were too lazy to feed her properly?
If you had even a bare minimum of love for any of us, you would have never tried to regain custody of us. You knew what you were.
You never loved anyone in your life. Neither of your husbands or any of the men you were screwing on the side. Just people to be used and manipulate.
You were the victim of domestic violence multiple times. When your daughter got home with your ashes, she threw them in the trash and banished you to go haunt a landfill. And you know what? I don't think that's adequate punishment for what you did to us.
Even if I overcome the lifelong PTSD, I will never ever form a memory properly like others do. I'm crippled for life because of what you did to me.
You died so brain addled that you didn't even remember ever having had children. I feel cheated. You should have remembered it and despised yourself at least half as much as I do.
So goodbye and good riddance.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Blueberry - March 11, 2026, 10:06:29 PMsan, I'm so sorry that your parents treated you so terribly! The mocking, the humiliation! Ugh. Ugh. No wonder you want to puke. I think maybe this is the first time I've read a post of yours about your parents and you as a child where I can feel viscerally the horribleness of it. I'm shaking my head and shuddering the way I was recently about my own stuff. I was mocked a lot in FOO too, humiliated as well, and it's just awful. 
I'm sitting with you at the load of visceral reactions you've been getting today. I used to get a lot more of those too, tons and tons before I learnt to feel my emotions (again? had I ever felt them?)
If it helps in anyway, OT said to me yesterday that one can't do a deep dive the way I had done in my processing w/o any kind of effect/affect(??) on your physical and emotional body. And although you may not feel that you're processing yet, you're beginning to dip your toe in or maybe your whole foot idk and the same applies - you can't do that w/o noticing some effect. There being an effect means you're making progress and something will change in you - I believe this, it's connected to the Window of Tolerance. I wish it were pain-free and caused no exhaustion.
I'm sending you comfort blankets for you to rest and feel safe in, in between the roilings.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 11, 2026, 03:19:56 PMmy gut is roiling right now, tho, so there's something in this, i think. it's ready to go.Sounds to me as if, yeah, that could well be the case. I can well imagine approaching with trepidation - who wants to go thru all that crapola again?? Altho you will go thru it differently now than back then, feeling more possibly - yikes. But that's probably no surprise to you, you know enough about these processes, I believe.
I'm sitting with you at the load of visceral reactions you've been getting today. I used to get a lot more of those too, tons and tons before I learnt to feel my emotions (again? had I ever felt them?)
If it helps in anyway, OT said to me yesterday that one can't do a deep dive the way I had done in my processing w/o any kind of effect/affect(??) on your physical and emotional body. And although you may not feel that you're processing yet, you're beginning to dip your toe in or maybe your whole foot idk and the same applies - you can't do that w/o noticing some effect. There being an effect means you're making progress and something will change in you - I believe this, it's connected to the Window of Tolerance. I wish it were pain-free and caused no exhaustion.
I'm sending you comfort blankets for you to rest and feel safe in, in between the roilings.
#4
Announcements / Re: Technical Issues
Last post by Blueberry - March 11, 2026, 08:46:26 PMThanks again! Good that OOTF is on it now too.
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by Erec - March 11, 2026, 07:49:38 PMThank you for your words; I am truly sorry for what you've been through.
At the moment, I don't think I'm able to process what has happened to me. I write here sometimes, but I probably should start a new thread.
The truth is, I don't have many people to talk to. Ever since I realized that a simple, inexpensive blood test—if done when my problems first began—would likely have allowed me to have a normal life, people have distanced themselves. 'It is what it is now! Don't think about it,' they tell me. It seems it was easier for them to be kind to me when they thought I had an indecipherable mental problem.
I still have a long fight ahead of me to ensure that what happened is recognized. And I dread to think what they will find if this time, finally, they examine my brain.
It's likely that the effects of a difficult childhood and the genetic issue acted on the same mechanisms, amplifying each other.
It is a difficult time.
At the moment, I don't think I'm able to process what has happened to me. I write here sometimes, but I probably should start a new thread.
The truth is, I don't have many people to talk to. Ever since I realized that a simple, inexpensive blood test—if done when my problems first began—would likely have allowed me to have a normal life, people have distanced themselves. 'It is what it is now! Don't think about it,' they tell me. It seems it was easier for them to be kind to me when they thought I had an indecipherable mental problem.
I still have a long fight ahead of me to ensure that what happened is recognized. And I dread to think what they will find if this time, finally, they examine my brain.
It's likely that the effects of a difficult childhood and the genetic issue acted on the same mechanisms, amplifying each other.
It is a difficult time.
#6
Announcements / Re: Technical Issues
Last post by Kizzie - March 11, 2026, 06:57:11 PMSo I heard back from our volunteer IT person and he told me OOTF is having the same problem and he is working on figuring out what is going on. Hallelujah say I as I am not the most IT savvy person 
It may take some time so please be patient.
Cheers,
Kizzie
It may take some time so please be patient.
Cheers,
Kizzie
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi everyone
Last post by Hope67 - March 11, 2026, 06:16:14 PMWelcome Bluejayway 
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by NarcKiddo - March 11, 2026, 04:35:40 PMIt's horrible to wake in a panic. I'm sorry that happened.
I've been meaning to ask how your roller disco outing went. I am guessing you will be going again, given those wonderful-sounding skates you have purchased.
I've been meaning to ask how your roller disco outing went. I am guessing you will be going again, given those wonderful-sounding skates you have purchased.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 11, 2026, 03:19:56 PMthanks, marcine, you made me smile! 
well, therapy, i don't know. i want to blame this on the T but thinking more about it, i believe my mind is simply ready to puke up feelings from the past when triggered. i told her about an incident w/ my folks, she remarked something about how much pain and hurt i must've felt, and i denied that. i felt the pain and hurt of the problem i went to my folks for help with, comfort or something (which didn't happen while i was crying an ocean in front of them - rather my F mocked me, humiliated me, my M stood like a cold stone) my T still isn't getting it that i haven't felt feelings/emotions like most people have.
at any rate, after i ate lunch, my gut got very sore - gut-punched came to mind right there, and maybe that's what it was - and i ended up feeling very sick the entire rest of the day, that night, couldn't sleep well, aches, chills, stress flu kind of stuff, but also this gut thing, which seemed new. been thinking about that ever since. a few weeks ago when i had an overwhelm, it was like a brick in my head. maybe this was a brick in my gut. maybe that's how these pent up feelings are now showing themselves. bricks of dried emotions.
so, i'm feeling better today, but i think i want to do some FLash on myself, focus on that brick - i can still kinda feel it - see what happens. maybe i need to cry. but i do believe i didn't feel it back when it happened cuz i was already overflowing w/ feelings about being lonely, and i think having to feel pain and hurt because of how my parents acted toward me would've been too much. i can already, right now as i'm writing about it, see myself falling to the ground, laying down cuz i can't stay upright under the weight of too much feelings. yeah, a protective device there, working to keep me safe. can't imagine what my F might've said if i'd collapsed under the weight of pain and hurt at that moment.
ok, so i've got my work cut out for me. i'm seeing a pattern, tho - mention feelings that 'should' have been there but that i didn't feel, and my mind is ready to vomit them up, or the aftermath of them, a few hours later. this is not a fun way to live. my gut is roiling right now, tho, so there's something in this, i think. it's ready to go.
well, therapy, i don't know. i want to blame this on the T but thinking more about it, i believe my mind is simply ready to puke up feelings from the past when triggered. i told her about an incident w/ my folks, she remarked something about how much pain and hurt i must've felt, and i denied that. i felt the pain and hurt of the problem i went to my folks for help with, comfort or something (which didn't happen while i was crying an ocean in front of them - rather my F mocked me, humiliated me, my M stood like a cold stone) my T still isn't getting it that i haven't felt feelings/emotions like most people have.
at any rate, after i ate lunch, my gut got very sore - gut-punched came to mind right there, and maybe that's what it was - and i ended up feeling very sick the entire rest of the day, that night, couldn't sleep well, aches, chills, stress flu kind of stuff, but also this gut thing, which seemed new. been thinking about that ever since. a few weeks ago when i had an overwhelm, it was like a brick in my head. maybe this was a brick in my gut. maybe that's how these pent up feelings are now showing themselves. bricks of dried emotions.
so, i'm feeling better today, but i think i want to do some FLash on myself, focus on that brick - i can still kinda feel it - see what happens. maybe i need to cry. but i do believe i didn't feel it back when it happened cuz i was already overflowing w/ feelings about being lonely, and i think having to feel pain and hurt because of how my parents acted toward me would've been too much. i can already, right now as i'm writing about it, see myself falling to the ground, laying down cuz i can't stay upright under the weight of too much feelings. yeah, a protective device there, working to keep me safe. can't imagine what my F might've said if i'd collapsed under the weight of pain and hurt at that moment.
ok, so i've got my work cut out for me. i'm seeing a pattern, tho - mention feelings that 'should' have been there but that i didn't feel, and my mind is ready to vomit them up, or the aftermath of them, a few hours later. this is not a fun way to live. my gut is roiling right now, tho, so there's something in this, i think. it's ready to go.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 11, 2026, 02:56:54 PMhey, hannah1, truthfully, i was exhausted reading your posts. just a thought - are you racing to 'do' things? it felt frantic. maybe it's just me, cuz i tend to be slow-ish about doing things. if that doesn't fit, please ignore. i do like the idea of drawing animals, tho. that sounds both productive and somehow restful at the same time.
reading is what helps me go to sleep at night. i do my screen stuff, sure, but when it's time to sleep the screen goes black and i find a nice, not gory nor too intense, book to read. a fun, light book. something by wodehouse or maeve binchy maybe. just a thought.
i hope you find a balance that fits for you like frank has his own balance. he is a good role model. love and hugs
reading is what helps me go to sleep at night. i do my screen stuff, sure, but when it's time to sleep the screen goes black and i find a nice, not gory nor too intense, book to read. a fun, light book. something by wodehouse or maeve binchy maybe. just a thought.
i hope you find a balance that fits for you like frank has his own balance. he is a good role model. love and hugs