Recent posts
#1
Please Introduce Yourself Here / New-ish
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 10:05:15 PMHello!
I've been on the forum for a few months reading. Just made a few comments today so decided I should introduce myself. Not sure I'm doing it correctly, we'll see how it posts.
I'm so grateful to find this place. I have become very isolated in the last five years, partly due to the pandemic and life circumstances but also because many of my relationships couldn't sustain the "real me," the me I became through twenty years of therapy. Many of my relationships were built on old patterns of caretaking, people-pleasing, or hiding myself/pretending to be someone to whom my past did not happen: neglect and emotional, physical, sexual abuse. So I've been very much alone with just my nuclear family, of whom I am the caretaker.
I haven't ever really been "out" about my difficult childhood. I built my escape myself, first in my family to go to college, went 500 miles away and never looked back, tried to invent myself from scratch and fit in with "normal" people who didn't have my experiences. It worked for what it worked for, I got out, I have a stable life, many successes and adventures, and did not for the most part recreate my childhood with my current family. I grew, healed, became pretty functional. It also didn't work, because...I was not entirely present in my own life, because I was disowning my past. Just functioning wasn't very satisfying, and then my functioning decreased as I began to have more emotional flashbacks. I hit a wall around age 40 where I could no longer pretend to be someone to whom my childhood had not happened. And no longer wanted to.
So here is the place I'm trying out being myself, all of me, the one to whom all of it happened and the one who got out and lived as if it didn't.
So far I'm finding it liberating and deeply satisfying to just say how it is for me without editing out the context of having been an abused child---a context which makes all the difference for me. More wonderfully, I'm finding it essential to hear how it is for others. I find so much in common with each post, things I never said outside a therapy office, or never dared to take delivery of in my own experience.
Thanks everyone for being here.
I've been on the forum for a few months reading. Just made a few comments today so decided I should introduce myself. Not sure I'm doing it correctly, we'll see how it posts.
I'm so grateful to find this place. I have become very isolated in the last five years, partly due to the pandemic and life circumstances but also because many of my relationships couldn't sustain the "real me," the me I became through twenty years of therapy. Many of my relationships were built on old patterns of caretaking, people-pleasing, or hiding myself/pretending to be someone to whom my past did not happen: neglect and emotional, physical, sexual abuse. So I've been very much alone with just my nuclear family, of whom I am the caretaker.
I haven't ever really been "out" about my difficult childhood. I built my escape myself, first in my family to go to college, went 500 miles away and never looked back, tried to invent myself from scratch and fit in with "normal" people who didn't have my experiences. It worked for what it worked for, I got out, I have a stable life, many successes and adventures, and did not for the most part recreate my childhood with my current family. I grew, healed, became pretty functional. It also didn't work, because...I was not entirely present in my own life, because I was disowning my past. Just functioning wasn't very satisfying, and then my functioning decreased as I began to have more emotional flashbacks. I hit a wall around age 40 where I could no longer pretend to be someone to whom my childhood had not happened. And no longer wanted to.
So here is the place I'm trying out being myself, all of me, the one to whom all of it happened and the one who got out and lived as if it didn't.
So far I'm finding it liberating and deeply satisfying to just say how it is for me without editing out the context of having been an abused child---a context which makes all the difference for me. More wonderfully, I'm finding it essential to hear how it is for others. I find so much in common with each post, things I never said outside a therapy office, or never dared to take delivery of in my own experience.
Thanks everyone for being here.
#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 09:36:32 PMWelcome samereflection1001!
I did have experience with DBT. What I found most helpful was the idea of "defusing," that is, having space between me and my emotions. I struggled with emotional flashbacks and DBT gave me tools to interrupt the emotion and shift my state.
There are other skills for emotional regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and communication that were useful and helped me function better socially, at work, etc. The focus on DBT is on learning, practicing and applying the skills both in a group and individually, that's the "behavioral" part of DBT.
DBT strives to balance acceptance and change, validation and challenge, that's the "dialectical" part of DBT. When that balance is there, it's useful. One critique I have is that when the balance isn't there, it can feel like "talking yourself out of your feelings," rather than allowing yourself to feel what you feel.
Overall it was very helpful because coping tools are kind of a prerequisite for the other therapies that I wanted to do, EMDR, IFS, insight-oriented. Without coping tools these therapies can be destabilizing. So I'm glad I did it, in preparation for the healing work that came next.
I did have experience with DBT. What I found most helpful was the idea of "defusing," that is, having space between me and my emotions. I struggled with emotional flashbacks and DBT gave me tools to interrupt the emotion and shift my state.
There are other skills for emotional regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and communication that were useful and helped me function better socially, at work, etc. The focus on DBT is on learning, practicing and applying the skills both in a group and individually, that's the "behavioral" part of DBT.
DBT strives to balance acceptance and change, validation and challenge, that's the "dialectical" part of DBT. When that balance is there, it's useful. One critique I have is that when the balance isn't there, it can feel like "talking yourself out of your feelings," rather than allowing yourself to feel what you feel.
Overall it was very helpful because coping tools are kind of a prerequisite for the other therapies that I wanted to do, EMDR, IFS, insight-oriented. Without coping tools these therapies can be destabilizing. So I'm glad I did it, in preparation for the healing work that came next.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 08:47:25 PMI haven't posted or replied before so not sure how this will show up. But I related to your post number 8. I appreciate you sharing it here.
Nightmares are the worst.
I was thinking how I have been trying to "update" myself. Not so much to change myself, but to update, to become fully present in the present as I presently really am. To realize my actual age, and also to show up as that age in the world in a way that's recognizable. I have a youthful spirit or energy, people often remark. I was often passed over at work as seeming "too young," and not taken seriously. Sometimes I feel younger than I am, I feel immature compared to others. Other times I feel very old, like my life is already set and done and I'm exhausted. I guess it's not the years, it's the mileage.
I'm 50.
I too have become very isolated, for me it's been in the last five years, and going out and about to make connections feels scary, hopeless, and also interesting. So I keep going. Each day I've been going into a shop and chatting with the owner or worker. I find the more I do this, the more present I feel, and the more "updating" is happening. Sometimes through nightmares where it's like I have to check back and update myself about the past and take delivery of it again with more perspective of my age, sometimes through noticing small progress where I feel I'm taking delivery of the tools and opportunities I now have to connect in ways that feel safe enough.
Nightmares are the worst.
I was thinking how I have been trying to "update" myself. Not so much to change myself, but to update, to become fully present in the present as I presently really am. To realize my actual age, and also to show up as that age in the world in a way that's recognizable. I have a youthful spirit or energy, people often remark. I was often passed over at work as seeming "too young," and not taken seriously. Sometimes I feel younger than I am, I feel immature compared to others. Other times I feel very old, like my life is already set and done and I'm exhausted. I guess it's not the years, it's the mileage.
I'm 50. I too have become very isolated, for me it's been in the last five years, and going out and about to make connections feels scary, hopeless, and also interesting. So I keep going. Each day I've been going into a shop and chatting with the owner or worker. I find the more I do this, the more present I feel, and the more "updating" is happening. Sometimes through nightmares where it's like I have to check back and update myself about the past and take delivery of it again with more perspective of my age, sometimes through noticing small progress where I feel I'm taking delivery of the tools and opportunities I now have to connect in ways that feel safe enough.
#4
Going Low/No Contact with Familial Abusers / Re: complex feelings on estran...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 05:14:24 PMHey LBTV, I really feel for you. My own experience with my NM was quite similar but I did get over the guilt for the most part as I acknowledged what she had done to me and why it would be retraumatizing for me to go be with her even when she was in hospice. It's a truly difficult thing for humans to do, to not attend to someone in our family when they are ill and yet it leaves us resentful and feeling used so hard to know what to do. In the end I chose me and I'm glad I did. Had I re-engaged I would have been set way back in my recovery. I did not even go to her funeral because the thought of people saying how good she was made me feel sick inside. So I didn't go and I'm good with that.
When it comes to your Dad, I suspect there are ways you might be able to get him some help by contacting social services in their area and explaining what is going on. It's likely a form of elder abuse that your NM knows he is having difficulty but won't help him. I think/hope SS would take some action on his behalf. It may even be that your NM would also get some help if she's willing to accept it that is. It's just a tough thing when parents age and will not look out for themselves but that's why SS has some ability to act. Just a suggestion of course.
Hope there's something helpful in this. It is a hard place to be so
When it comes to your Dad, I suspect there are ways you might be able to get him some help by contacting social services in their area and explaining what is going on. It's likely a form of elder abuse that your NM knows he is having difficulty but won't help him. I think/hope SS would take some action on his behalf. It may even be that your NM would also get some help if she's willing to accept it that is. It's just a tough thing when parents age and will not look out for themselves but that's why SS has some ability to act. Just a suggestion of course.
Hope there's something helpful in this. It is a hard place to be so
#5
Going Low/No Contact with Familial Abusers / Re: complex feelings on estran...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 04:52:38 PMHi lbTV,
I sense the power behind your written words of the churning feelings you are experiencing.
The complexity of the questions is real. You are strong and human to face them as directly as you are. This is bravery and orienting to truth. Your compassion is evident. Your deep desire to find a way through is clear.
I believe holding and contemplating and grappling with a complex question, such as the one you ask at the end of your post, ("To help yourself, it feels as if you must hurt the ones you love?")
is powerful and difficult.
Sitting with the not-knowing-the-answer is incredibly difficult. Helplessness is natural in the face of such overwhelming forces and feelings.
I strongly believe you are not "evil for being powerless".
Your power and goodness are present as evidenced by the care you have for yourself and the other humans you know as your parents.
The only puzzle piece I can offer, and I do humbly, and you decide if it fits, or if it doesn't...
If I don't take care of/ support/ cherish myself, then I will cease to exist emotionally and physically. And anyone I love will then be not-helped by that.
So logically, if I do love others, I must take care of my needs first.
Thus, the well-known directive to "secure your own oxygen mask first before helping others with theirs."
Easier said than done in some circumstances. There are consequences to our choice to take care of our needs first. Real love is wanting what is best for the other, as they want what is best for us.
LbTV, I respect your courage and willingness to confront these complexities in your life. I wish patience and self-compassion to flow freely for you.
And for you to know you are not alone. There are other good humans grappling with these layered, challenging questions of loyalty to parents, care for self, how to live fully.
Best to you.
I sense the power behind your written words of the churning feelings you are experiencing.
The complexity of the questions is real. You are strong and human to face them as directly as you are. This is bravery and orienting to truth. Your compassion is evident. Your deep desire to find a way through is clear.
I believe holding and contemplating and grappling with a complex question, such as the one you ask at the end of your post, ("To help yourself, it feels as if you must hurt the ones you love?")
is powerful and difficult.
Sitting with the not-knowing-the-answer is incredibly difficult. Helplessness is natural in the face of such overwhelming forces and feelings.
I strongly believe you are not "evil for being powerless".
Your power and goodness are present as evidenced by the care you have for yourself and the other humans you know as your parents.
The only puzzle piece I can offer, and I do humbly, and you decide if it fits, or if it doesn't...
If I don't take care of/ support/ cherish myself, then I will cease to exist emotionally and physically. And anyone I love will then be not-helped by that.
So logically, if I do love others, I must take care of my needs first.
Thus, the well-known directive to "secure your own oxygen mask first before helping others with theirs."
Easier said than done in some circumstances. There are consequences to our choice to take care of our needs first. Real love is wanting what is best for the other, as they want what is best for us.
LbTV, I respect your courage and willingness to confront these complexities in your life. I wish patience and self-compassion to flow freely for you.
And for you to know you are not alone. There are other good humans grappling with these layered, challenging questions of loyalty to parents, care for self, how to live fully.
Best to you.
#6
Family / Re: Left out
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 02:24:08 PMI think you wrote an excellent reply.
You make a good point that you do not know what they have been told about the situation. And you yourself are experiencing someone being unexpectedly nice, based on an impression you had formed through your parents. My family has all sorts of views about other people that simply do not align in any way with my personal experience of those people. So if you do feel you might be happy to have some contact with the wider family going forward then it may be best to try to leave all baggage out of it and just see what these people are like now.
You make a good point that you do not know what they have been told about the situation. And you yourself are experiencing someone being unexpectedly nice, based on an impression you had formed through your parents. My family has all sorts of views about other people that simply do not align in any way with my personal experience of those people. So if you do feel you might be happy to have some contact with the wider family going forward then it may be best to try to leave all baggage out of it and just see what these people are like now.
#8
Going Low/No Contact with Familial Abusers / complex feelings on estrangeme...
Last post by lowbudgetTV - December 25, 2025, 09:08:05 PMWith recent events in regard to my family, I have felt triggered by the presence of the Holidays.
In the shortest explanation possible, I've been thinking of my very complex situation (though, most situations with relationships are going to be complex and not "textbook"...)
CW: illness, dementia, usual parental CPTSD stuff mentions...?
My mother haunts my waking moments, and on occasion my sleeping moments too. I hold no capacity for love for her anymore. I don't really want anything to do with her. Of course, that being said, I feel immense pity and understanding for someone to be so stuck in misery. It makes me sad. I would not want to become like her. I don't believe in her capacity to change. She is also ill, and will be until she dies, and she is in her 60s. Before I cut off modes of communication, her cancer was often used as guilt. I never felt pity for her plight in turn, because the guilt filled me with rage and resentment, for I was neglected throughout my entire life.
However, what I have been feeling recently is for my father. I do love my dad. He feels like a flawed human being while my mother in my mind is a monster I have detached from. I feel guilt for having to abandon him because they still are married/live together. However, I keep trying to disassociate from this guilt by thinking of his clearly existant dementia.
The dementia is a layered thing. My mother refuses to get him treatment or diagnosed because if he does have a condition, she's afraid she'll have no one to take care of her. My father is also a retired first responder career (probably has PTSD; we all agree) and is a super bad alcoholic. In regards to that, I will never sleep in the same building with him due to a bad experience. I am so angry at my mother for telling me her "inability" to help him because of her predicament, because the alcohol+mental issues is going to get someone killed! She used to... I don't know, trauma-dump talk-at-me about this fact? "Your father is going to kill someone one day! Oh well! I need to get to chemo."
Not to be political (and I won't go into details nor proselytize) but with family issues in this sad age there oft tends to be a political element, so I also feel a pit within me knowing she angrily argued with me and votes against her own needs due to hatred of others. Never her fault, always someone else's--such is the inability to reflect in these abusive people.
Yet here we are, my father, flawed as he is and still complicit in my upbringing, and I feel so evil for being powerless. I cannot bare the torment of my mother any longer. I have nothing I can do to help my father. They are stuck within their own monsoon of misery. I can't be there with them because I have tens and tens of more years left in me and I need to live. But I can still feel bad for my poor, beloved dad, because I also care for the ill people all over who have no resources or respect... I only hope I am not lost one day.
How do you cope with this complex problem? To help yourself, it feels as if you must hurt the ones you love?
In the shortest explanation possible, I've been thinking of my very complex situation (though, most situations with relationships are going to be complex and not "textbook"...)
CW: illness, dementia, usual parental CPTSD stuff mentions...?
My mother haunts my waking moments, and on occasion my sleeping moments too. I hold no capacity for love for her anymore. I don't really want anything to do with her. Of course, that being said, I feel immense pity and understanding for someone to be so stuck in misery. It makes me sad. I would not want to become like her. I don't believe in her capacity to change. She is also ill, and will be until she dies, and she is in her 60s. Before I cut off modes of communication, her cancer was often used as guilt. I never felt pity for her plight in turn, because the guilt filled me with rage and resentment, for I was neglected throughout my entire life.
However, what I have been feeling recently is for my father. I do love my dad. He feels like a flawed human being while my mother in my mind is a monster I have detached from. I feel guilt for having to abandon him because they still are married/live together. However, I keep trying to disassociate from this guilt by thinking of his clearly existant dementia.
The dementia is a layered thing. My mother refuses to get him treatment or diagnosed because if he does have a condition, she's afraid she'll have no one to take care of her. My father is also a retired first responder career (probably has PTSD; we all agree) and is a super bad alcoholic. In regards to that, I will never sleep in the same building with him due to a bad experience. I am so angry at my mother for telling me her "inability" to help him because of her predicament, because the alcohol+mental issues is going to get someone killed! She used to... I don't know, trauma-dump talk-at-me about this fact? "Your father is going to kill someone one day! Oh well! I need to get to chemo."
Not to be political (and I won't go into details nor proselytize) but with family issues in this sad age there oft tends to be a political element, so I also feel a pit within me knowing she angrily argued with me and votes against her own needs due to hatred of others. Never her fault, always someone else's--such is the inability to reflect in these abusive people.
Yet here we are, my father, flawed as he is and still complicit in my upbringing, and I feel so evil for being powerless. I cannot bare the torment of my mother any longer. I have nothing I can do to help my father. They are stuck within their own monsoon of misery. I can't be there with them because I have tens and tens of more years left in me and I need to live. But I can still feel bad for my poor, beloved dad, because I also care for the ill people all over who have no resources or respect... I only hope I am not lost one day.
How do you cope with this complex problem? To help yourself, it feels as if you must hurt the ones you love?
#9
Announcements / Re: This Time of Year
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 25, 2025, 06:25:17 PMThank you, Kizzie. That reminder really matters, especially at this time of year. Having found this community and knowing it's okay to reach out makes a real difference. 💛
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 25, 2025, 06:21:17 PMWhat you wrote feels very honest about the cost of getting free, not just the triumph. I appreciate that a lot.
I especially resonated with how survival required so much self-erasure, and how exhausting that fight was. Seeing you name the scars and the ground gained helps me hold both as real.
I'm not as far along yet, but reading this still mattered. I'm glad you shared it, and I'm glad you're here - scars and all.
I especially resonated with how survival required so much self-erasure, and how exhausting that fight was. Seeing you name the scars and the ground gained helps me hold both as real.
I'm not as far along yet, but reading this still mattered. I'm glad you shared it, and I'm glad you're here - scars and all.