Recent posts
#1
Sleep Issues / Re: Night terrors and lucid dr...
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 01:45:08 PMHi Slashy,
Thank you so much for writing about your experiences with night terrors, and the link with lucid dreaming. I think it is really relevant to what I've been experiencing myself, and also very thought-provoking (in a helpful way). I appreciate you taking the time to write about it, and I hope that others will find it helpful as well.
I looked online for some more information, and there is mention of using Lucid Dreaming Therapy to help with night terrors.
But what I particularly found helpful - was you sharing your experience and knowing that it's similar to my own - it's validating to experience that.
I do remember previously how scared I had been by the hallucinations part of it - but I read that it's along a continuum with dissociative experiences, and I get those in the daytime (dissociation) - so having it at night, with hallucinations does make sense. Interestingly, one of my more recent experiences, was seeing a green heart-shaped balloon in the bedroom, which was actually a pleasant thing. So it's not all been bad.
Anyway, thank you! I hope you'll share more of your experiences, if you want to. I love the idea of a Gateway to Lucid Dreaming - it's such a positive reframing of something previously scary!
Hope
Thank you so much for writing about your experiences with night terrors, and the link with lucid dreaming. I think it is really relevant to what I've been experiencing myself, and also very thought-provoking (in a helpful way). I appreciate you taking the time to write about it, and I hope that others will find it helpful as well.
I looked online for some more information, and there is mention of using Lucid Dreaming Therapy to help with night terrors.
But what I particularly found helpful - was you sharing your experience and knowing that it's similar to my own - it's validating to experience that.
I do remember previously how scared I had been by the hallucinations part of it - but I read that it's along a continuum with dissociative experiences, and I get those in the daytime (dissociation) - so having it at night, with hallucinations does make sense. Interestingly, one of my more recent experiences, was seeing a green heart-shaped balloon in the bedroom, which was actually a pleasant thing. So it's not all been bad.
Anyway, thank you! I hope you'll share more of your experiences, if you want to. I love the idea of a Gateway to Lucid Dreaming - it's such a positive reframing of something previously scary!
Hope
#2
Checking Out / Signing off
Last post by Cascade - Today at 01:40:19 PMThanks to everyone who expressed warm support. I wish you all well.
-Cascade
-Cascade
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 11:43:42 AM"The worst part of CPTSD, for me, is the sense of isolation and loneliness. At the moment I am by myself and that loneliness is magnified. Later my family will be here (wife and kids) and I will not be physically alone. However, that doesn't mean the sense of loneliness will abate. Connection is hard for me.
Probably none of that makes any sense."
It makes perfect sense, actually.
If I wasn't so very much the same way, I'd probably still be married.
Stay strong,
-Slashy
Probably none of that makes any sense."
It makes perfect sense, actually.
If I wasn't so very much the same way, I'd probably still be married.
Stay strong,
-Slashy
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Little2Nothing - Today at 11:19:42 AMI have been in therapy for nearly two years with the same T. I can see some of the progress I have made, though at times I think it has been too slow. Personally I would like to deal with things more quickly. My T, however, thinks moving slower is safer and will be more effective. I suppose it would be hard to just rip the bandage off of 16 years of abuse and not expect issues.
The study I'm involved in (TopDD) has a lot of good information. The process so far has been to learn how to stay grounded, deal with memories, etc. I will say that all these processes are simple in theory, but very difficult to implement. One element is knowing your triggers, or at least recognizing when you are being triggered. This is very difficult for me. Sometimes I am already caught up in the emotion and trying to bring it under control is no easy task.
Today is one of those days when I feel nothing. I'm neither happy nor sad, I am just empty. Though I guess "empty" is a feeling. I'm writing this knowing that someone may read it. That gives me connection and assures me that I am not alone. The worst part of CPTSD, for me, is the sense of isolation and loneliness. At the moment I am by myself and that loneliness is magnified. Later my family will be here (wife and kids) and I will not be physically alone. However, that doesn't mean the sense of loneliness will abate. Connection is hard for me.
Probably none of that makes any sense. The one thing about OOTS is it gives me an outlet and a sense of belonging. Though this is all anonymous and none of you really know me, I take comfort in associating with folks who have been where I've been and consequently can relate to my story.
The study I'm involved in (TopDD) has a lot of good information. The process so far has been to learn how to stay grounded, deal with memories, etc. I will say that all these processes are simple in theory, but very difficult to implement. One element is knowing your triggers, or at least recognizing when you are being triggered. This is very difficult for me. Sometimes I am already caught up in the emotion and trying to bring it under control is no easy task.
Today is one of those days when I feel nothing. I'm neither happy nor sad, I am just empty. Though I guess "empty" is a feeling. I'm writing this knowing that someone may read it. That gives me connection and assures me that I am not alone. The worst part of CPTSD, for me, is the sense of isolation and loneliness. At the moment I am by myself and that loneliness is magnified. Later my family will be here (wife and kids) and I will not be physically alone. However, that doesn't mean the sense of loneliness will abate. Connection is hard for me.
Probably none of that makes any sense. The one thing about OOTS is it gives me an outlet and a sense of belonging. Though this is all anonymous and none of you really know me, I take comfort in associating with folks who have been where I've been and consequently can relate to my story.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Little2Nothing - Today at 11:00:47 AMHope, music is powerful. There are some songs the really speak to me and move me to tears. There is a kind of comfort in their sadness.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Forging New Paths
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 09:12:14 AMI'm referring to this post of mine from a Conversion disorder thread:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15572.msg141952#msg141952
As I request at the bottom of that linked post, please put any conversation, comments, validation etc on that final post of mine over HERE on my Recovery Journal so as not to derail the very important topic of Conversion Disorder. Or if not really directed to me and my experience but rather your own experience, please consider using your own Journal or similar so as not to derail my Journal - you'll want responses/validation to your experience among your own writings. Thank you kindly.
So my reaction this morning to my post
on the imagery that turned up. That's all I want to write for the moment.
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15572.msg141952#msg141952
As I request at the bottom of that linked post, please put any conversation, comments, validation etc on that final post of mine over HERE on my Recovery Journal so as not to derail the very important topic of Conversion Disorder. Or if not really directed to me and my experience but rather your own experience, please consider using your own Journal or similar so as not to derail my Journal - you'll want responses/validation to your experience among your own writings. Thank you kindly.
So my reaction this morning to my post
on the imagery that turned up. That's all I want to write for the moment. #7
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Hard free-fall
Last post by Armee - April 25, 2024, 11:54:09 PMI'm sorry it's a difficult patch right now. The coping tools we build don't help much when we are in these flashbacks. May they pass soon.
#8
Physical Issues / Re: Conversion disorder
Last post by Blueberry - April 25, 2024, 10:17:12 PMQuote from: Blueberry on October 23, 2023, 11:12:02 PMI was reading Ghost's post about PNES and started googling it. One thing led to another and I saw "conversion disorder" which was mentioned in my latest inpatient report in combination with what they're labeling as OSDD atm because they're still not 100% sure where I am on the dissociative spectrum. ...
"Conversion disorder involves the loss of one or more bodily functions. Examples include:
Weakness or paralysis
Difficulty speaking or inability to speak
Difficulty swallowing"
Difficulty speaking - yes in the sense that when things are really hard and/or I'm trying to talk about something very triggering in therapy, it can be that I can only speak in a whisper.
Difficulty swallowing - it feels that way sometimes when the lump in my throat is particularly large but I'm not sure if that would be included here. I actually had a lump in my throat for years, it was called 'post-nasal drip' then; maybe it still is. It was annoying, I was always swallowing trying to make it disappear. At the same time I also assumed that everybody had one and it was there for keeps, bad luck sort of thing.
Now I'm wondering if Difficulty breathing might belong on this list too? I am having difficulty breathing atm (past day or two at least) due to the size of the lump in the back of my throat, even though it is probably not a real physical lump. I swallow from time to time but it doesn't go away, just like I wrote above. I notice difficulty breathing particularly in singing lessons and in choir practice but the lump itself almost all the time.
I know from my previous trauma T that my shallow breathing is a result of trauma. He explained that I obviously cut off the connection between my head (cognitive stuff) and my emotions by stuffing uncomfortable and non-allowed feelings down into my body, throat on downwards, cutting off at the neck basically. Since breathing more deeply can bring emotions up, I automatically breathed in a shallow way for years at least a majority of the time, enough to have shallow breathing my go-to method. He worked long enough and often enough with me on these stuffed away emotions - for this purpose not actually directly on the emotions themselves but on allowing them to be and helping me allow me to stay in my body and not numb out - for me to eventually be able to feel something like an open pipe going from my throat all the way down to the base of my spine rather than everything from the neck on down feeling like concrete. It did take a few years, though of course we didn't always work solely on that, but it hasn't stayed. Could come again though. Anyway, today I have an internal image of
*** TW violence *** (whited-out)
something tied around my neck, though more as a symbol of there being an emotional cut-off point at that place than somebody having committed physical violence to my neck since I've never been choked physically that I know of, but emotionally yes I say as images of F and B1 turn up
. Not meant to exist, not meant to have feelings 
Not meant to thrive. How can you thrive and be your best person if you can't fill your lungs?Well, now I have more idea what's behind the difficulty breathing. Maybe it doesn't belong under Conversion disorder after all, but I'll leave it here at least until tomorrow when I'll re-read it and maybe have some more clarity and can then decide to move it to my Recovery Journal or somewhere.
***Edited next day: I've decided to leave this post here because my realisations came as a result of writing about my own quoted post on this thread. I will however write any further realisations/further movement sparked by this post on my Recovery Journal or Private/Mbr Journal.
I ask kindly that other mbrs (1)write about Difficulty breathing elsewhere too unless theirs might actually be on account of conversion disorder and (2) make any responses to this post of mine on my Recovery Journal so that the conversion disorder thread is not derailed and muddied. Conversion disorder is too important of a separate topic/symptom/co-morbidity to get all mixed up and 'muddied' imho. Thank you.***
Link to my current Recovery Journal:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15145.msg129386#msg129386 See p.20 and following
#9
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Infancy trauma - any other...
Last post by Blueberry - April 25, 2024, 09:39:58 PMWell actually here is some professional information on the differing affect on traumatisation on very young children versus older children and obviously teens/adults. I came across the info quoted below in another post of my own
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13694.msg104359#msg104359 (or if my link doesn't work for you, then see: Physical and Psychological Comorbidities / Co-morbidities / Physical issues / Itchy lower legs (1st post Aug. 17, 2020)
"In one of the multiple recent free trauma seminars, they mentioned how in early-childhood trauma the whole physical body slows down so it doesn't digest properly, the blood doesn't flow properly, and things like that. I know that's what happens physiologically in a dangerous situation so that you can fight the wolf or flee from the sabre-tooth tiger. It seemed that with infants or toddlers the effect is immediate and turns chronic quite early on, whereas with an older child or adult the chronic stage doesn't happen so early. Or something like that. Don't quote me on it. It would make sense though for some of my not very serious but nonetheless bothersome physical symptoms I've had since early childhood."
Although you are more interested in the long-term emotional results of infancy trauma (most of us probably are), you can't separate them completely for reasons which my tired brain can't explain rn. Maybe tomorrow.
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13694.msg104359#msg104359 (or if my link doesn't work for you, then see: Physical and Psychological Comorbidities / Co-morbidities / Physical issues / Itchy lower legs (1st post Aug. 17, 2020)
"In one of the multiple recent free trauma seminars, they mentioned how in early-childhood trauma the whole physical body slows down so it doesn't digest properly, the blood doesn't flow properly, and things like that. I know that's what happens physiologically in a dangerous situation so that you can fight the wolf or flee from the sabre-tooth tiger. It seemed that with infants or toddlers the effect is immediate and turns chronic quite early on, whereas with an older child or adult the chronic stage doesn't happen so early. Or something like that. Don't quote me on it. It would make sense though for some of my not very serious but nonetheless bothersome physical symptoms I've had since early childhood."
Although you are more interested in the long-term emotional results of infancy trauma (most of us probably are), you can't separate them completely for reasons which my tired brain can't explain rn. Maybe tomorrow.
#10
Physical Issues / Re: New here, does anyone pass...
Last post by Blueberry - April 25, 2024, 09:19:42 PMQuote from: Blueberry on October 23, 2023, 10:34:03 PMThis is all interesting to me today due to progress I've been making regarding my problem feet, lots of realisations made today. It feels like a really big thing. There are so many, um, trauma problems connected to my feet. It feels like the first time that I'm finally realising that, yes, my feet problems developed mostly through emotional trauma including callous indifference to me and my pain. It's also a problem that has followed me most of my life, starting from 8-10 yo. Like cptsd, whose symptoms really got going when I was about 7yo. ...
My inpatient trauma T mentioned that your foot suddenly giving way when you walk can be caused by dissociation, I remember that now. But since the state of my legs and feet improved with physio while I was inpatient I figured that my foot problems were all down to weak muscles, bad shoes (nearly all shoes are bad for me in some way or other, even those that are mostly good and specially for people with problem feet) and my general neglect of my feet plus being physically inactive especially in EF weeks. In other words as FOO would say "it's all your own fault". Today I say "No"to that, which is big progress.
It's interesting for me to re-read this today because when my singing instructor asked me about my lower back and foot pain that is constantly recurring, I explained about general physical weakness, neglected torso muscles, not quite ideal shoes (I can't at present find any better than I have due to foot problems, tho these present shoes are better than many). I had totally forgotten as usual that there is this conversion disorder. It seems constantly forgetting may be part of the trauma?? I mean, I seem to lose my knowledge of it and any realisations I've made unless I re-read them here and manage to keep them in mind for a hour or two but then they're gone again. I particularly notice because of repeating what I've basically always heard in FOO (weak, do too little exercise, own fault
) w/o them knowing if that's even true. Even though this time I'm NOT lambasting myself, which is real progress (!), it's still taking on FOO's assumptions and in a way, FOO's bad opinion of me.