Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 07:49:55 PM"I was alone and powerless. Thousands of times. Highly likely starting preverbally."
I can very much relate with this, SO. The inherent dependence, the danger, the vulnerability, the power discrepancy, the invasiveness, the existential threat... It's at the heart of every emotional flashback I experience.
I also relate with your experiences with the "chatty, just-being-friendly", opinionated, judgy community garden member... why does it seem so hard for people to live-and-let-live? (Rhetorical question).
I enjoy peacefully working alongside others, and chatting if it feels reciprocal and welcomed.
But it all changes for me when it becomes: "Who curled the hose up wrong?!"
Or a political diatribe.
Sigh.
Even though I know it's more about them than me, it still sucks to experience.
I hope you are continuing towards a relaxed state.
Best,
Marcine
I can very much relate with this, SO. The inherent dependence, the danger, the vulnerability, the power discrepancy, the invasiveness, the existential threat... It's at the heart of every emotional flashback I experience.
I also relate with your experiences with the "chatty, just-being-friendly", opinionated, judgy community garden member... why does it seem so hard for people to live-and-let-live? (Rhetorical question).
I enjoy peacefully working alongside others, and chatting if it feels reciprocal and welcomed.
But it all changes for me when it becomes: "Who curled the hose up wrong?!"
Or a political diatribe.
Sigh.
Even though I know it's more about them than me, it still sucks to experience.
I hope you are continuing towards a relaxed state.
Best,
Marcine
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 07:01:42 PMHey journal,
been away, because dealing with alot. My emotions have been going like a storm inside and even had a mini panic attack and some new feelings today all due to a man who's picture I haven't even seen yet. I'm really careful with this all as I know how easilly trauma can blur the feelings. I'm trying to differentiate what are actual signals of being in love vs CPTSD attachment. So that's my update. I feel like he deserves to mingle with people his own age and not with someone like me. My tears just drizzled down today. These emotions that this guy has made me feel have been more intense than any other guys.
been away, because dealing with alot. My emotions have been going like a storm inside and even had a mini panic attack and some new feelings today all due to a man who's picture I haven't even seen yet. I'm really careful with this all as I know how easilly trauma can blur the feelings. I'm trying to differentiate what are actual signals of being in love vs CPTSD attachment. So that's my update. I feel like he deserves to mingle with people his own age and not with someone like me. My tears just drizzled down today. These emotions that this guy has made me feel have been more intense than any other guys.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - Today at 06:44:12 PMI have a cannabis habit. Have for years. It's not particularly helpful nor particularly harmful at this point after years during which I was in an endless cycle of it being one and then the other, but wow am I sick of it, sick to death of it being a more-or-less daily preoccupation. Always thinking about whether I'm going to use it, how much, what form (vape or edible), whether it's going to be good or if I'm going to end up wishing that I hadn't. A lifetime of this crap.
My relationship with cannabis changed two years ago after the floods when I abstained from it completely for seven months. Since that long break, I have been less dependent on it, more moderate in my use, more able to take days off, less stressed about the whole thing in general. Sometimes it seems almost like a non-issue, something I don't need to waste my self-discipline and self-care resources worrying about. It's such a huge improvement over how I was with it years ago when I needed it just to get out of bed. I'm truly thankful for that, but still every time I reach for it I long for a mythical time when I will be able to not even think about it for days at a time, and if I indulge I will properly enjoy it. Hey, I managed that with ice cream, why not this?
My relationship with cannabis changed two years ago after the floods when I abstained from it completely for seven months. Since that long break, I have been less dependent on it, more moderate in my use, more able to take days off, less stressed about the whole thing in general. Sometimes it seems almost like a non-issue, something I don't need to waste my self-discipline and self-care resources worrying about. It's such a huge improvement over how I was with it years ago when I needed it just to get out of bed. I'm truly thankful for that, but still every time I reach for it I long for a mythical time when I will be able to not even think about it for days at a time, and if I indulge I will properly enjoy it. Hey, I managed that with ice cream, why not this?
#4
General Discussion / Re: Writing about the trauma: ...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 05:26:09 PMSadly Saluki, I think they are always going to be those who don't have the emotional wherewithal to understand the pain of others. That said, I am all for getting our stories, needs and wants out there so those who can understand come to know about complex relational trauma and how it impacts us. The caveat for me is that we only do so if we are emotionally prepared for the possibility that we will receive negative feedback from some.
I just did an interview with 80+ professionals about the healthcare project we did and one of them was quite dismissive of the research study part of the project and signed off the Zoom in a huff. I was shocked TBH but I realized fairly quickly they did not know much about the research approach we had used. Not to get into that, but it was their lack of knowledge that caused their reaction. The other attendees were appalled by what the person said because they understood the approach and the reason for it. This cemented the fact for me that while people are all different in how they will react to our stories of trauma, most will take away the central fact that we were terribly hurt by what happened to us and that we are deserving of validation and effective treatment, services and support.
So, I imagine there are those who read our stories as "trauma porn" and also there are those who are trolls and get off on writing negative comments. I suspect though there are many more who genuinely want to know about us, what we went through, and for some of us, are still going through. Not all will understand, but many more will and we will have helped bring this plague of abuse/neglect out into the light and dispelled the stereotype some have of it all being our fault or of us being weak, etc. We need to be prepared for that as much as possible, and know that it comes from ignorance and a lack of empathy (which says more about them than us IMO).
I'm sorry for what happened to you on the other forum, again sadly not all moderators are adept at knowing how to moderate well.
I just did an interview with 80+ professionals about the healthcare project we did and one of them was quite dismissive of the research study part of the project and signed off the Zoom in a huff. I was shocked TBH but I realized fairly quickly they did not know much about the research approach we had used. Not to get into that, but it was their lack of knowledge that caused their reaction. The other attendees were appalled by what the person said because they understood the approach and the reason for it. This cemented the fact for me that while people are all different in how they will react to our stories of trauma, most will take away the central fact that we were terribly hurt by what happened to us and that we are deserving of validation and effective treatment, services and support.
So, I imagine there are those who read our stories as "trauma porn" and also there are those who are trolls and get off on writing negative comments. I suspect though there are many more who genuinely want to know about us, what we went through, and for some of us, are still going through. Not all will understand, but many more will and we will have helped bring this plague of abuse/neglect out into the light and dispelled the stereotype some have of it all being our fault or of us being weak, etc. We need to be prepared for that as much as possible, and know that it comes from ignorance and a lack of empathy (which says more about them than us IMO).
I'm sorry for what happened to you on the other forum, again sadly not all moderators are adept at knowing how to moderate well.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 04:16:32 PMNarcKiddo
Thank you. It's a pretty nasty bug. Symptoms still linger, even though every day is better. I'm not going to force anything. Thanks for stressing that. My body will know when I'm ready to take on a short hike, a longer hike, a run... easy does it. I hope you'll get well soon
sanmagic7
Thank you San. love and hugs to you
Marcine
Than you Marcine!
*************************************************
It was such a relief to see my shrink. The fact that we go way back, and always had a good connection, is itself a haven of stability and safety. Even while on my way there, which went well, I felt my loneliness ebbing away. In the waiting room, I realized this wasn't necessarily completely helpful. This makes it more difficult for me to get across the intensity of it. When my feelings don't "legitimize" my words in the moment, I do have a tendency to [slightly] downplay how bad it really gets. It's a stealthy part of the ICR, somewhere deep down convincing me I have no right to complain.
After the part about the uniforms and the paranoia, my shrink brought up EMDR himself. I think it would be a good idea to give it a try. That last sentence also sums up my expectations around it. I have some thoughts around how to approach the interpersonal aspect of the modality a bit differently this time, since I think it interfered before. This time, that aspect ties in perfectly with the targeted issue, so that may even be helpful if we're on the same page about it.
It's the same source as where my social anxiety stems from. Being scrutinized is a big trigger for me. This is exactly what happens at the airport. Apparently, just the potential of being scrutinized has become a lot more triggering than it was after the incident with the police. There's a deep fear that people with a lot of power to do something negative to me, are going to draw terrible conclusions about me by how I act or come across, which will set the doom in motion. In places I can't escape. That is a crucial ingredient, just like it was when it started.
It goes to the core of my attachment trauma, of being completely dependent on someone who is so judgmental, unreasonable, angry, and so powerful. My sense of powerlesness and [implicit] doom comes from not having any means to change that situation. I wasn't being heared by my mother, because she was the center of truth. Nothing pierced that mantle of conviction. I was alone and powerless. Thousands of times. Highly likely starting preverbally. I grew up with her constantly measuring me against a yardstick. Just when I walk into a store and I see a guard, I feel like I'm on trial, almost like I'am already convicted and things can end badly for me if they decide so. Regardless of me not doing anything wrong. What I believe about it cognitively, has little to do with this.
My shrink and I both expect it'll be very difficult to address the deeper part of this with EMDR, and we agree that it would be really great if the new manifestation [the uniforms and such] would become less triggering. I'm open to positive surprises
Today I felt fit enough to go to the garden just to check. I had to overcome quite a bit of fear, but I went. It didn't go well. My neighbor was there. We have hardly seen eachother thus far. He was working. We started chatting. Long story short, he was going on about a couple of topics nature and politics related I wasn't expecting from somebody in this place and right now. Grudgey, judgmental, strong emotions around it. It hit me hard and completely by surprise. He also made a few remarks about my garden, which indicate he most likely thinks badly of the cover crops. I have a trigger next door. I think the whole thing took about fifteen minutes, and I lightly fawned my way through it. It was very triggering for me. I barely knew what hit me. I catastrophised right after. With this sensitivity of mine, life just wasn't possible anywhere. It took me a few hours to become aware that I was catastrophising and putting the brakes on it. I'm slowly getting into a more relaxed state. Typing this entry helped. It took me a few hours to get rid of the negative charge my neighbor was offloading. This is the type that's really difficult for me to deal with, even though there are way worse versions. Thinking of it, I think it's quite inconsiderate to start spewing highly charged opinions onto someone you hardly know. He has just become a lot less sympathetic than I thought he was in the beginning. I'm going to have to think about boundaries with this guy. Sigh.
Thank you. It's a pretty nasty bug. Symptoms still linger, even though every day is better. I'm not going to force anything. Thanks for stressing that. My body will know when I'm ready to take on a short hike, a longer hike, a run... easy does it. I hope you'll get well soon
sanmagic7
Thank you San. love and hugs to you
Marcine
Than you Marcine!
*************************************************
It was such a relief to see my shrink. The fact that we go way back, and always had a good connection, is itself a haven of stability and safety. Even while on my way there, which went well, I felt my loneliness ebbing away. In the waiting room, I realized this wasn't necessarily completely helpful. This makes it more difficult for me to get across the intensity of it. When my feelings don't "legitimize" my words in the moment, I do have a tendency to [slightly] downplay how bad it really gets. It's a stealthy part of the ICR, somewhere deep down convincing me I have no right to complain.
After the part about the uniforms and the paranoia, my shrink brought up EMDR himself. I think it would be a good idea to give it a try. That last sentence also sums up my expectations around it. I have some thoughts around how to approach the interpersonal aspect of the modality a bit differently this time, since I think it interfered before. This time, that aspect ties in perfectly with the targeted issue, so that may even be helpful if we're on the same page about it.
It's the same source as where my social anxiety stems from. Being scrutinized is a big trigger for me. This is exactly what happens at the airport. Apparently, just the potential of being scrutinized has become a lot more triggering than it was after the incident with the police. There's a deep fear that people with a lot of power to do something negative to me, are going to draw terrible conclusions about me by how I act or come across, which will set the doom in motion. In places I can't escape. That is a crucial ingredient, just like it was when it started.
It goes to the core of my attachment trauma, of being completely dependent on someone who is so judgmental, unreasonable, angry, and so powerful. My sense of powerlesness and [implicit] doom comes from not having any means to change that situation. I wasn't being heared by my mother, because she was the center of truth. Nothing pierced that mantle of conviction. I was alone and powerless. Thousands of times. Highly likely starting preverbally. I grew up with her constantly measuring me against a yardstick. Just when I walk into a store and I see a guard, I feel like I'm on trial, almost like I'am already convicted and things can end badly for me if they decide so. Regardless of me not doing anything wrong. What I believe about it cognitively, has little to do with this.
My shrink and I both expect it'll be very difficult to address the deeper part of this with EMDR, and we agree that it would be really great if the new manifestation [the uniforms and such] would become less triggering. I'm open to positive surprises
Today I felt fit enough to go to the garden just to check. I had to overcome quite a bit of fear, but I went. It didn't go well. My neighbor was there. We have hardly seen eachother thus far. He was working. We started chatting. Long story short, he was going on about a couple of topics nature and politics related I wasn't expecting from somebody in this place and right now. Grudgey, judgmental, strong emotions around it. It hit me hard and completely by surprise. He also made a few remarks about my garden, which indicate he most likely thinks badly of the cover crops. I have a trigger next door. I think the whole thing took about fifteen minutes, and I lightly fawned my way through it. It was very triggering for me. I barely knew what hit me. I catastrophised right after. With this sensitivity of mine, life just wasn't possible anywhere. It took me a few hours to become aware that I was catastrophising and putting the brakes on it. I'm slowly getting into a more relaxed state. Typing this entry helped. It took me a few hours to get rid of the negative charge my neighbor was offloading. This is the type that's really difficult for me to deal with, even though there are way worse versions. Thinking of it, I think it's quite inconsiderate to start spewing highly charged opinions onto someone you hardly know. He has just become a lot less sympathetic than I thought he was in the beginning. I'm going to have to think about boundaries with this guy. Sigh.
#6
Friends / Re: I can make friends but I c...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 05:02:28 AMHi Blaithe,
Your post and the responses got me thinking.
Society's messages are that every human should have human friends, that more friends is better, that friendship is easy and natural...
I question these norms.
Certainly humans are wired for connection in general. But feeling connected is personal— I've known people who feel deeply connected to trees, to machines, pets, books, ancestors, the ocean, and solitude. Others to their families, colleagues, neighbors, fleeting tender moments of kindness from a stranger.
Small social circles, large networks... more superficial connections, deep emotional intimacy... transient interactions, enduring relationships... investing a lot of effort, easy flow.
I have been tuning into what connection and friendship means to me.
And choosing to learn how to be a good friend to myself. I figure that's a solid foundation for being a good friend to others and attracting healthy relationship.
I've found, after many decades of beating myself up for not having proper friends, that relieving the pressure on myself and connecting with what and who is meaningful to me seems to work best.
I wish you peace and connection in the ways you choose.
Your post and the responses got me thinking.
Society's messages are that every human should have human friends, that more friends is better, that friendship is easy and natural...
I question these norms.
Certainly humans are wired for connection in general. But feeling connected is personal— I've known people who feel deeply connected to trees, to machines, pets, books, ancestors, the ocean, and solitude. Others to their families, colleagues, neighbors, fleeting tender moments of kindness from a stranger.
Small social circles, large networks... more superficial connections, deep emotional intimacy... transient interactions, enduring relationships... investing a lot of effort, easy flow.
I have been tuning into what connection and friendship means to me.
And choosing to learn how to be a good friend to myself. I figure that's a solid foundation for being a good friend to others and attracting healthy relationship.
I've found, after many decades of beating myself up for not having proper friends, that relieving the pressure on myself and connecting with what and who is meaningful to me seems to work best.
I wish you peace and connection in the ways you choose.
#7
General Discussion / Writing about the trauma: is i...
Last post by Saluki - Today at 02:19:04 AMI've been thinking about this a lot. I've started and stopped multiple times writing my life story focusing on the abuse and I never manage to get far with it because?
I don't know if writing it down is helpful or self harm.
My initial idea was that if I write it all down in one place, I'll be able to "file it away" and forget about it, but obviously that's not happened. I'm haunted by the horrible memories and flashbacks in the same way whether I write about it or not.
Another idea I had was that writing it down could help others, for example, survivors of domestic violence who ended up in a relationship with an abuser because they were abused in their childhoods. I thought, somehow knowing that happens to a lot of people, could help them understand that it's not their fault they ended up with an abusive partner.
I didn't even understand I was being abused as a child - I just knew I wasn't okay and I thought there was something wrong with me.
I read a lot of autobiographies of survivors when I was stuck in my marriage to a psychopath and I remember always comparing the experiences of the writers with my life, sometimes putting myself down and thinking "I don't have it that bad, at least he didn't set fire to me" for example, which was bad for me. Other times I would think oh my goodness that's abusive, how could I not have seen it coming?" Or "If she escaped, so can I". So overall it was a helpful thing to read other people's accounts, but sometimes I worry that wanting to write about it means I'm fixated on the abuse that happened to me and obsessed with it. But that's ridiculous - I'm actually desperate to forget it ever happened. Then I realise how much I learned about avoiding certain behaviours and people, because if I forgot it happened, I could be in a very dangerous situation again and welcome people who abused me into my life and get abused again, or not understand when someone is grooming me to abuse me. So my CPTSD does serve a purpose (to protect me) but it's overprotecting me and I'm so confused...
I wrote a few chapters of my life story on multiple occasions. So many bits and bobs, nothing properly organised.
I'm also feeling like "why would anyone want to read that? It's so depressing".
I wrote some memories from my young adulthood on a forum for survivors of sexual abuse/rape and one of the moderators heavily edited it without telling me beforehand and then wrote to me basically telling me it was "glorifying drug addiction" and I was absolutely devastated. She didn't even keep a copy to send me privately. I felt violated. It was so painful writing that. It was so painful experiencing that to be able to write about it.
The attitude that survivor memoirs are some kind of "trauma porn" is really creepy. That scares me from writing my memoirs publicly/publishing them too. Because there probably are disgusting people who get off on reading about survivors traumatic experiences so that puts me off. I've already been humiliated once by an insensitive moderator. Imagine if I published my memoirs and got a horrible load of abuse from nasty critics. I remember reading a memoir of a woman who survived horrendous domestic violence and in the reviews on Amazon loads of people wrote nasty things about "I didn't like the way she stayed when it was obvious he was going to keep abusing her, frustrating to read her being beaten up for years and not leaving". I hate how ignorant people can be. Why read a memoir by a survivor of horrific dv if they're just going to blame her for the abuse because she didn't leave sooner?
Anyway I should talk about this with my therapist. I don't know whether I should write it or not. Maybe I should just write the novel I have in my head to try to focus on something else.
I don't know if writing it down is helpful or self harm.
My initial idea was that if I write it all down in one place, I'll be able to "file it away" and forget about it, but obviously that's not happened. I'm haunted by the horrible memories and flashbacks in the same way whether I write about it or not.
Another idea I had was that writing it down could help others, for example, survivors of domestic violence who ended up in a relationship with an abuser because they were abused in their childhoods. I thought, somehow knowing that happens to a lot of people, could help them understand that it's not their fault they ended up with an abusive partner.
I didn't even understand I was being abused as a child - I just knew I wasn't okay and I thought there was something wrong with me.
I read a lot of autobiographies of survivors when I was stuck in my marriage to a psychopath and I remember always comparing the experiences of the writers with my life, sometimes putting myself down and thinking "I don't have it that bad, at least he didn't set fire to me" for example, which was bad for me. Other times I would think oh my goodness that's abusive, how could I not have seen it coming?" Or "If she escaped, so can I". So overall it was a helpful thing to read other people's accounts, but sometimes I worry that wanting to write about it means I'm fixated on the abuse that happened to me and obsessed with it. But that's ridiculous - I'm actually desperate to forget it ever happened. Then I realise how much I learned about avoiding certain behaviours and people, because if I forgot it happened, I could be in a very dangerous situation again and welcome people who abused me into my life and get abused again, or not understand when someone is grooming me to abuse me. So my CPTSD does serve a purpose (to protect me) but it's overprotecting me and I'm so confused...
I wrote a few chapters of my life story on multiple occasions. So many bits and bobs, nothing properly organised.
I'm also feeling like "why would anyone want to read that? It's so depressing".
I wrote some memories from my young adulthood on a forum for survivors of sexual abuse/rape and one of the moderators heavily edited it without telling me beforehand and then wrote to me basically telling me it was "glorifying drug addiction" and I was absolutely devastated. She didn't even keep a copy to send me privately. I felt violated. It was so painful writing that. It was so painful experiencing that to be able to write about it.
The attitude that survivor memoirs are some kind of "trauma porn" is really creepy. That scares me from writing my memoirs publicly/publishing them too. Because there probably are disgusting people who get off on reading about survivors traumatic experiences so that puts me off. I've already been humiliated once by an insensitive moderator. Imagine if I published my memoirs and got a horrible load of abuse from nasty critics. I remember reading a memoir of a woman who survived horrendous domestic violence and in the reviews on Amazon loads of people wrote nasty things about "I didn't like the way she stayed when it was obvious he was going to keep abusing her, frustrating to read her being beaten up for years and not leaving". I hate how ignorant people can be. Why read a memoir by a survivor of horrific dv if they're just going to blame her for the abuse because she didn't leave sooner?
Anyway I should talk about this with my therapist. I don't know whether I should write it or not. Maybe I should just write the novel I have in my head to try to focus on something else.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Marcine - December 19, 2025, 07:40:35 PMYour heartfelt honesty, authenticity, and awareness reach me loud and clear, Chart.
Onward on the journey.
Onward on the journey.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Marcine - December 19, 2025, 07:23:24 PMI send good, healing wishes, SO.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 19, 2025, 03:47:43 PMChart, I'm very aware I'm not an expert here, so please take this only as thinking out loud, not conclusions or advice. But reading what you wrote made me wonder about the quality of that sleep rather than the quantity.
What you describe doesn't sound like restorative rest so much as a very deep shutdown - almost a dorsal-vagal refuge. Given the repeated danger tied to mornings in your childhood, it would make sense if sleep became the safest possible state when threat felt unavoidable. In that light, sleeping "through anything" feels less like ease and more like a remarkably effective survival adaptation.
The part about anxiety being strongest while horizontal really stood out to me. Lying down is such a vulnerable, childlike position: no agency, no readiness. Standing up changes orientation, control, and capacity to act. It makes sense to me that your nervous system would settle once you're upright again.
And the coffee piece is fascinating. Research is mixed on coffein and trauma, but subjectively it sounds like coffee may interrupt that collapse state, pulling you out of shutdown, restoring activation, clarity, agency and control. If so, that "coffee junkie" habit reads less like a casual quirk, and more like a smart, high-functioning way your system found to regulate emotional flashbacks when nothing else was available.
If any of that resonates, it really highlights how adaptive you were in an unsafe environment, but also how sad it is that you had to be. Many of us here learned similar workarounds just to get through the day.
Thank you for sharing this. It gave me a lot to think about. 💛
What you describe doesn't sound like restorative rest so much as a very deep shutdown - almost a dorsal-vagal refuge. Given the repeated danger tied to mornings in your childhood, it would make sense if sleep became the safest possible state when threat felt unavoidable. In that light, sleeping "through anything" feels less like ease and more like a remarkably effective survival adaptation.
The part about anxiety being strongest while horizontal really stood out to me. Lying down is such a vulnerable, childlike position: no agency, no readiness. Standing up changes orientation, control, and capacity to act. It makes sense to me that your nervous system would settle once you're upright again.
And the coffee piece is fascinating. Research is mixed on coffein and trauma, but subjectively it sounds like coffee may interrupt that collapse state, pulling you out of shutdown, restoring activation, clarity, agency and control. If so, that "coffee junkie" habit reads less like a casual quirk, and more like a smart, high-functioning way your system found to regulate emotional flashbacks when nothing else was available.
If any of that resonates, it really highlights how adaptive you were in an unsafe environment, but also how sad it is that you had to be. Many of us here learned similar workarounds just to get through the day.
Thank you for sharing this. It gave me a lot to think about. 💛