Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - Today at 10:50:05 PMPart of healing is recognizing the amount of anger I carry with me every day--today it was a lot.
I hold anger and frustration towards so many big things that tend to manifest as anger towards little things. I'm angry that I can't be affectionate towards my elderly father, which means I get snappy and cranky with him in situations where he used to be angry or violent (he's not that way anymore).
I'm angry about my health issues that came from abuse so as I'm receiving treatment and get tired or weak I'm miserable and pissed. I've come to realize how triggering any kind of set-back or flare-up is for me.
And then I get so sad knowing that the part of me, that miserable, insufferable, b*tchy, selfish, and angry part of me, is winning the battle against what I like to consider the real me. Those closest to me see what's underneath it all, but I'm tired of fighting all the time. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to take it out on anyone or anything.
Today, my thoughts also wandered to the possibility of infidelity in my relationship due to our abstinence right now. I know I can't control that, I know that would mean he was never the one for me anyway. But man, my brain goes to some dark places when I think about if he did.
The goal here is to never have to share this kind of intimacy with another human being ever again. Because I'm done after this one and I'd rather happily live the rest of my life alone at that point. The way I illustrate it mentally is like a rubber band--you can stretch it quite far until it starts to deteriorate and eventually break. I'm not saying I'd "snap", I just mean there's nothing left to give anyone else after that. Especially after sharing as much as I have. But I shouldn't let myself go there.
An additional observation I've made is how I'm always on the verge of tears. Not sensitive to things like I'm PMSing, but genuinely just could cry whenever. Kind of interesting.
Got ahold of someone who handled my case from 12 years ago, hopefully I get some further answers. Prayers.
I hope any readers have a lovely evening/morning/afternoon--wherever you are. xoxo
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - Today at 10:40:24 PMI took a walk this afternoon. When I take a walk by myself, I have a tendency to walk very fast and get wrapped up in my thoughts. I noticed that yesterday when I went for a walk, and I made a conscious effort to slow down and feel my body instead of escaping into my head. I made an effort to take note of how the sun and the wind felt on my face and body, and how the ground felt under my feet. It wasn't very comfortable, and I really had to focus to do it. I had a moment when I was thinking about turning left to extend my walk instead of right to go home. I had a destination in mind, not an important one, just one to keep me moving for a while longer. My mind, fixated on the idea that more exercise is always better, very much wanted to do this, but I felt a faint protest from my body, a sort of "Yeah, you can drag me around some more if you want to, but I'd really rather go home." So I listened to my body and went home. Then today when I was out for a walk, I noticed myself walking fast and being wrapped up in my thoughts, and I realised that I do this because being in my body is difficult and uncomfortable for me, and I'm trying to escape from the difficulty and discomfort. That made me think back to my childhood, how my mother was very big on walking, and how I was always having to keep up, an enormous and seldom pleasurable task for an unaccommodated child whether in the huge, busy, noisy city where we lived, or on endless mountain trails when the family went hiking. So again, I slowed down, made an effort to feel my physical self instead of hurrying along, and to take in my surroundings with curiosity and openness instead of turning inward to my thoughts. The result was better today. There were no conflicts between my body and my mind regarding the route or duration of my walk, and I even felt some stirrings of pleasure. This makes me feel a little bit hopeful that maybe it really is possible to unprogram at least some of what was programmed into my body so very long ago.
#3
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: The line between self care...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 04:37:27 PMHey Lina - I must say I agree with San, self care can feel like selfishness but only because we've been trained to feel we must put others first. I particularly like what San wrote about the word "selfish" itself.
Spot on!
Quote from: sanmagic7 on Today at 01:57:47 PMi've separated the word 'selfish' into 2 words - self and ish, or self-ish. being aware of our 'self' and what it needs, and taking care of that 'self' is crucial. without being self-ish, we hurt ourselves further by ignoring 'self' and what it needs to be able to perform at its peak ability.
Spot on!
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:36:53 PMhonestly, you people are the best!
PC, the idea of 'eyes open' made so much sense for me, and i do believe that is true. the rest of what you wrote, about we each having different personalities, also hit home. i think parents can't help treating each kid differently - you helped open my eyes to that. thank you for all your wisdom and support.
thank you, SH, for sharing your sib experience. i think my eyes are opening a bit more about how parents treat kids differently - i guess they really can't help but do that. i know i did w/ my 2 girls, but some of that was circumstantial - the older had a lot of illness both physical and mental that demanded attention, so the younger was kinda left out of my time and energy in many ways. however, those differences can happen in a lot of perception, perspective, time of life kind of ways.
for example, my B was the only boy, born later in life, babied to death, so to speak, while my sister and i just weren't. at any rate, i so appreciate what you wrote, your take on this. it helped a lot.
chart, you brought a smile to my heart! i do hope you find your stuffed animal, the one who fits with you and for you. i swear, i never 'got it' before, cuz i'd never had one. being someone else each time we go thru a realization reminds me of something 'alice' said (i have this above my desk) - 'i can't go back to yesterday, because i was a different person then'. yep, so true. and i totally understand the 'absorbing' bit. have done a lot of that throughout life, on so many levels. we really do live and learn, don't we. thank you so much for your encouragement and support.
busy day today, so i'll just go. but some good stuff w/ my galpal yesterday, and just being accepted by someone. it was so very good, but quite unsettling the entire day!
PC, the idea of 'eyes open' made so much sense for me, and i do believe that is true. the rest of what you wrote, about we each having different personalities, also hit home. i think parents can't help treating each kid differently - you helped open my eyes to that. thank you for all your wisdom and support.
thank you, SH, for sharing your sib experience. i think my eyes are opening a bit more about how parents treat kids differently - i guess they really can't help but do that. i know i did w/ my 2 girls, but some of that was circumstantial - the older had a lot of illness both physical and mental that demanded attention, so the younger was kinda left out of my time and energy in many ways. however, those differences can happen in a lot of perception, perspective, time of life kind of ways.
for example, my B was the only boy, born later in life, babied to death, so to speak, while my sister and i just weren't. at any rate, i so appreciate what you wrote, your take on this. it helped a lot.
chart, you brought a smile to my heart! i do hope you find your stuffed animal, the one who fits with you and for you. i swear, i never 'got it' before, cuz i'd never had one. being someone else each time we go thru a realization reminds me of something 'alice' said (i have this above my desk) - 'i can't go back to yesterday, because i was a different person then'. yep, so true. and i totally understand the 'absorbing' bit. have done a lot of that throughout life, on so many levels. we really do live and learn, don't we. thank you so much for your encouragement and support.
busy day today, so i'll just go. but some good stuff w/ my galpal yesterday, and just being accepted by someone. it was so very good, but quite unsettling the entire day!
#5
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: The line between self care...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:57:47 PMhi lina24,
i have put myself on the back burner for many, many years, also feeling insignificant and that everyone else's needs were more important than mine. thru the years of working at recovering from such beliefs, and with the support of others here, i've come to realize that the idea of being selfish was a manipulation used by others on us to get what they wanted from us.
having no regard for others, their wants and needs, is, to my mind, a selfish way to look at the world. however, that is very clearly not your state of mind, or you wouldn't be thinking about the others where you work. the other side of this is self-care, which is very important. without it, we end up not being able to do anything, not for ourselves and not for others, either.
so, in my mind, for these types of situations, where self-care is what leads to eventually healing, being able to be out there again for others, i've separated the word 'selfish' into 2 words - self and ish, or self-ish. being aware of our 'self' and what it needs, and taking care of that 'self' is crucial. without being self-ish, we hurt ourselves further by ignoring 'self' and what it needs to be able to perform at its peak ability.
in your situation, you're running the risk of hurting yourself to the point where you wouldn't be able to be there for your office mates at all if your injury gets worse. if you take the time and care for it properly, it will get better, sooner, and you can go back to your job cleanly and with enthusiasm. besides, pain wreaks havoc w/in our brain, and we can't function as well as usual.
so, those are my thoughts on it, what i've learned over the years of dealing w/ similar issues. i hope you can realize how very important you are in this world, and even to your colleagues at work. i do believe they'd want you to take care of yourself, be self-ish in this matter. i know i do.
i have put myself on the back burner for many, many years, also feeling insignificant and that everyone else's needs were more important than mine. thru the years of working at recovering from such beliefs, and with the support of others here, i've come to realize that the idea of being selfish was a manipulation used by others on us to get what they wanted from us.
having no regard for others, their wants and needs, is, to my mind, a selfish way to look at the world. however, that is very clearly not your state of mind, or you wouldn't be thinking about the others where you work. the other side of this is self-care, which is very important. without it, we end up not being able to do anything, not for ourselves and not for others, either.
so, in my mind, for these types of situations, where self-care is what leads to eventually healing, being able to be out there again for others, i've separated the word 'selfish' into 2 words - self and ish, or self-ish. being aware of our 'self' and what it needs, and taking care of that 'self' is crucial. without being self-ish, we hurt ourselves further by ignoring 'self' and what it needs to be able to perform at its peak ability.
in your situation, you're running the risk of hurting yourself to the point where you wouldn't be able to be there for your office mates at all if your injury gets worse. if you take the time and care for it properly, it will get better, sooner, and you can go back to your job cleanly and with enthusiasm. besides, pain wreaks havoc w/in our brain, and we can't function as well as usual.
so, those are my thoughts on it, what i've learned over the years of dealing w/ similar issues. i hope you can realize how very important you are in this world, and even to your colleagues at work. i do believe they'd want you to take care of yourself, be self-ish in this matter. i know i do.
#6
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / The line between self care and...
Last post by Lina24 - Today at 10:07:25 AMHi
I am struggling at the moment with working out what is reasonable and what is selfish. I have never put my own needs above others as I have always believed I am irrelevant and unworthy of care. I just push through in silence and don't let on that I am in pain.
I have an active job, but am dealing with a leg injury. I feel that to take time to heal or take it slowly for a bit would be extremely selfish as I would be letting everyone down and causing a nuisance. I feel weak and useless about being in pain. Anyone else in my position, I would tell them to go easy or let someone know they are struggling.
Does anyone else feel confused about this or worked out how to tell the difference between reasonable need and selfishness?
Lina
I am struggling at the moment with working out what is reasonable and what is selfish. I have never put my own needs above others as I have always believed I am irrelevant and unworthy of care. I just push through in silence and don't let on that I am in pain.
I have an active job, but am dealing with a leg injury. I feel that to take time to heal or take it slowly for a bit would be extremely selfish as I would be letting everyone down and causing a nuisance. I feel weak and useless about being in pain. Anyone else in my position, I would tell them to go easy or let someone know they are struggling.
Does anyone else feel confused about this or worked out how to tell the difference between reasonable need and selfishness?
Lina
#7
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: negative self-talk
Last post by Lina24 - Today at 06:39:19 AMHi Dalloway,
I struggle with this too. I have found that by thinking about myself I always believe I am not worthy and that I don't deserve to feel bad because I am not important. However, if I was hearing someone else talk about my experiences happening to them, my heart would break and I would just want to gather them in a hug and hold them and tell them they were safe. I have found that by imagining I am someone else, it allows me to show that compassion without all the negative thoughts. It doesn't always work, but it's the only thing I've found so far that helps.
You are worthy of compassion and care and I hope you find a way to accept it and let yourself feel it.
I struggle with this too. I have found that by thinking about myself I always believe I am not worthy and that I don't deserve to feel bad because I am not important. However, if I was hearing someone else talk about my experiences happening to them, my heart would break and I would just want to gather them in a hug and hold them and tell them they were safe. I have found that by imagining I am someone else, it allows me to show that compassion without all the negative thoughts. It doesn't always work, but it's the only thing I've found so far that helps.
You are worthy of compassion and care and I hope you find a way to accept it and let yourself feel it.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - Today at 05:31:33 AMQuote from: Chart on November 03, 2025, 09:50:54 PMHave you read Pete Walker's book? CPTSD, From Surviving to Thriving? It sounds to me as though the police report hurled you into a very large EF (emotional flashback). Anyway you probably know all that.Chart,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts and share your response here. It definitely made me feel a lot more confident about tackling this with my partner. He's been nothing but kind and loving about all of it but I'm sure it isn't easy. You're right, it is an intimate thing.
Also, I've seen multiple people on here reference Pete Walker's book. I just ordered it because until now I've never heard of an emotional flashback and it kind of explains a lot--I'd like to know more. In fact, I'll accept any resources anyone has to help me work through this lol I haven't fully addressed a lot of these things until now.
I'll also accept all the hugs!! Thank you, SH.
You are all so wonderful and it makes me very grateful I reached out here again. It's easy to feel alone in something like this.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Chart - November 04, 2025, 08:45:44 PMI'm sorry you're struggling so much Bach. You didn't deserve that treatment as a child. Please find the strength to treat yourself differently. You deserve love. Sadly you never got that from the ones responsible. Please try and comfort and love the one you were who so deserved it. You can do it. You have good reason to feel what you're feeling right now. Allow it to be. Know it will change. And with each cycle encourage the little girl to show her sadness... and meet her sadness with love. As much as you can.
Sending love and support.
Sending love and support.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: strawberrycat's journal
Last post by Chart - November 04, 2025, 08:05:41 PM