Recent posts
#1
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by Chart - Today at 03:47:24 PMWhat's the expression... "the road to Hades is paved and the with the best intentions..."
For me intentions matter, but if there's not recognition that behavior is hurtful and toxic then whatever the "intention", what ultimately counts is the result.
Another observation: a lot of people suffer from trauma, and DON'T hurt other people. Trauma can be an explanation, but as an excuse for damaging behavior it doesn't go very far.
Ultimately, we are all responsible for our behavior, regardless the "feelings" that drove us there.
(That was all VERY hard for me to sort out in my head... I hope I didn't mess that up...)
For me intentions matter, but if there's not recognition that behavior is hurtful and toxic then whatever the "intention", what ultimately counts is the result.
Another observation: a lot of people suffer from trauma, and DON'T hurt other people. Trauma can be an explanation, but as an excuse for damaging behavior it doesn't go very far.
Ultimately, we are all responsible for our behavior, regardless the "feelings" that drove us there.
(That was all VERY hard for me to sort out in my head... I hope I didn't mess that up...)
#2
Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Re: Attachment Focused EMDR - ...
Last post by Chart - Today at 03:22:32 PMListened to just the beginning but it sounds excellent. Gonna continue tonight.
Thanks Hope!
Thanks Hope!
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 02:22:33 PMSo sorry San. The pre-verbal/implicit memory part is really challenging. 
#4
General Discussion / Re: (A lot) Truer than "I" tho...
Last post by Saluki - Today at 01:56:05 PMHey Desert Flower,
I identify a lot with your experience.
The way you describe it as though it's "not happening to me" is how I feel too.
I have a lot of shame around not being able to work currently. I've realised it's mostly the voices of my mother, her family members - causing that shame. Their shame is that they didn't help me. They didn't save me when I was a vulnerable child being abused. All of them blamed me for being abused and my mother played victim that she couldn't cope with her daughter who "had gone off the rails" and she "didn't understand why" which was a lie to cover up her culpability.
It's okay to take a break. You need a break. We wouldn't expect someone with a noticeable illness to force themselves to work when they were ill or be forced to do so. I'm still full of shame though, feel like a complete failure but actually asking for help is a massive step. It's terrifying and you did it.
It's so difficult when our children are the same ages as we were when we were abused. I actually think it's a beautiful thing that you went out to rescue little you from being abused, and that in doing so you asked for help for her too.
It'll be okay. I wish there was a magical quick process though.
I identify a lot with your experience.
The way you describe it as though it's "not happening to me" is how I feel too.
I have a lot of shame around not being able to work currently. I've realised it's mostly the voices of my mother, her family members - causing that shame. Their shame is that they didn't help me. They didn't save me when I was a vulnerable child being abused. All of them blamed me for being abused and my mother played victim that she couldn't cope with her daughter who "had gone off the rails" and she "didn't understand why" which was a lie to cover up her culpability.
It's okay to take a break. You need a break. We wouldn't expect someone with a noticeable illness to force themselves to work when they were ill or be forced to do so. I'm still full of shame though, feel like a complete failure but actually asking for help is a massive step. It's terrifying and you did it.
It's so difficult when our children are the same ages as we were when we were abused. I actually think it's a beautiful thing that you went out to rescue little you from being abused, and that in doing so you asked for help for her too.
It'll be okay. I wish there was a magical quick process though.
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 01:51:16 PMWelcome here samereflection1001! 
I have no experience with DBT, sorry. I don't think it's such a strange modality to suggest, so I'm surprised not much comes up when I do a search here. There must be people here who have experience with it. I hope they chime in. In the upper right corner of the page you can enter search terms. If you enter "dialectical" there, you'll get 30 hits. I hope there's something there that can be of help yo you.
I have no experience with DBT, sorry. I don't think it's such a strange modality to suggest, so I'm surprised not much comes up when I do a search here. There must be people here who have experience with it. I hope they chime in. In the upper right corner of the page you can enter search terms. If you enter "dialectical" there, you'll get 30 hits. I hope there's something there that can be of help yo you.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:47:27 PMthanks for the hug, chart. back atcha!
bad episode last nite about lack of comfort and the pain surrounding that, way back to when i was very young, which lends credence to the idea that chart mentioned, which is that some of this stuff is pre-verbal. if i wasn't able to ask my M a question, get some comfort from her when i was 4 or 5, that idea must have come from somewhere way before that age. ugh, some of this is really feeling ugly.
bad episode last nite about lack of comfort and the pain surrounding that, way back to when i was very young, which lends credence to the idea that chart mentioned, which is that some of this stuff is pre-verbal. if i wasn't able to ask my M a question, get some comfort from her when i was 4 or 5, that idea must have come from somewhere way before that age. ugh, some of this is really feeling ugly.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:42:51 PMvery sorry you're so sick, SO. hope you feel much better soon.
yeah, the energy thing. pretty cool that you can feel such a calming when you listen to such things. for me, it somehow agitates rather than soothes me. so it is. why we're all different, right?
enjoy the garden, and hope your session goes well, too. love and hugs
yeah, the energy thing. pretty cool that you can feel such a calming when you listen to such things. for me, it somehow agitates rather than soothes me. so it is. why we're all different, right?
enjoy the garden, and hope your session goes well, too. love and hugs
#8
Inner Child Work / Re: Learning to write
Last post by Saluki - Today at 01:41:28 PMI'm going mad! I did reply 🙄
#9
Inner Child Work / Re: Learning to write
Last post by Saluki - Today at 01:40:58 PM
Hey Desert Flower, I'm sorry I'm late replying too. I don't understand mothers who treat us like school pupils. The complete lack of emotional availability is so frightening. I'm sorry sorry you experienced that too. I think because we weren't allowed to cry we're still scared to.
I'm also scared that if I allow myself to cry I won't ever be able to stop.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 01:07:18 PMHey San, this is just wonderful. I'm enjoying that you shared that the Canto "doesn't jive" with you. I believe this vital part of authentic connection can be difficult to practice here at OOTS, due to the sensitivities involved. Not sure if this is difficult for you, but I really appreciate it. Too bad you can't do tai chi and other stuff. Another layer of complexity, sigh. "Ligconcert" means "lying down concert" in Dutch. I imagine this facilitates immersion, even forgetting where you are. The repetitiveness/minimalism is something I'm sensitive to. I think it silences my mind, and perhaps even shifts me into a bit of a non-ordinary state of consciousness. The Canto is definitely heart opening for me. It goes very deep.
So cool road trips are your thing, and you have good memories of them. Certainly something I won't forget any time soon.
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It's been over a week since I got back home. I anticipated a bit of landing time, and then getting active in some way. That didn't happen. I've been stuck inside. It turns out I contracted COVID. I thought the tiredness I felt was due to working so hard, and/or transitioning into ketosis, and/or tapering off benzo's. But when I got a fever, the penny dropped. I'm probably lucky to be in ketosis right now, due to the cytokine storm, and the consequent emotional instability. It got challenging nonetheless. It landed me in a desolate, desperate place. Especially when I pretty much had to stay in bed. It was really bleak. Right into the non-connection and no way out of it of way back when. I'm still partially into it, but it's getting better quite quickly now. It's no longer absolute, which makes all the difference. Being so isolated isn't really helping at all with this. The loneliness is becoming harder to bear. I think it's literally going to kill me if I don't find a way to change that aspect of my daily life.
I've been wanting to go check on the community garden. I'm really curious to see what it looks like. I think it's been six weeks since I've been there. Right now I'm not up to it yet, and I notice a significant social anxiety around going there. Tomorrow I'll see my shrink, which is a 10 km bike ride away. So that'll be enough for the day with this bug. Maybe this weekend... I'm not going to do any work, just gonna check. Later, I'll transplant some berry shrubs that don't like my backyard very much.
So cool road trips are your thing, and you have good memories of them. Certainly something I won't forget any time soon.
********************************
It's been over a week since I got back home. I anticipated a bit of landing time, and then getting active in some way. That didn't happen. I've been stuck inside. It turns out I contracted COVID. I thought the tiredness I felt was due to working so hard, and/or transitioning into ketosis, and/or tapering off benzo's. But when I got a fever, the penny dropped. I'm probably lucky to be in ketosis right now, due to the cytokine storm, and the consequent emotional instability. It got challenging nonetheless. It landed me in a desolate, desperate place. Especially when I pretty much had to stay in bed. It was really bleak. Right into the non-connection and no way out of it of way back when. I'm still partially into it, but it's getting better quite quickly now. It's no longer absolute, which makes all the difference. Being so isolated isn't really helping at all with this. The loneliness is becoming harder to bear. I think it's literally going to kill me if I don't find a way to change that aspect of my daily life.
I've been wanting to go check on the community garden. I'm really curious to see what it looks like. I think it's been six weeks since I've been there. Right now I'm not up to it yet, and I notice a significant social anxiety around going there. Tomorrow I'll see my shrink, which is a 10 km bike ride away. So that'll be enough for the day with this bug. Maybe this weekend... I'm not going to do any work, just gonna check. Later, I'll transplant some berry shrubs that don't like my backyard very much.