Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 12:47:22 PMI don't deal with changes well. The job office person has a substitute and I got sick. They require a doctors note, if I miss a meeting time. I have gp scheduled before next meeting, but I hate being treated like I don't know a problem for society or like a kid who needs to be kept an eye on. They don't notify you of the substitute and it creates me
anxiety. My previous consultant at least knew about my limitations. Maybe I will let my gp write me a note of needed accomodations, like getting phone appointments. I will tell my gp about the depression, anxiety and cptsd stuff and about how I've been in contact with helpline too.
anxiety. My previous consultant at least knew about my limitations. Maybe I will let my gp write me a note of needed accomodations, like getting phone appointments. I will tell my gp about the depression, anxiety and cptsd stuff and about how I've been in contact with helpline too.
#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New & (a little) Nervous
Last post by Ran - Today at 12:38:44 PMWelcome. My dad don't believe in mental illness either. I actually started at first going to therapy in secret over identity troubles and was diagnosed with different things one of them being depression with anxiety, but I want to get official cptsd
diagnosis as I struggle with many things people here in the forum write about and seeing that helps me feel less alone and I hope it helps you too.
diagnosis as I struggle with many things people here in the forum write about and seeing that helps me feel less alone and I hope it helps you too.
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member
Last post by Ran - Today at 12:32:14 PMWelcome. I'm sorry you went through that and others are right it's not a small thing. It's huge trauma. Hugs your way if needed.
#4
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Definitely still out in th...
Last post by Ran - Today at 12:25:42 PMI wanted to respond before, but welcome. I'm new here too. I could relate to alot you wrote as well. I'm 34 myself and only recent years it all has shown effect. I hope to get the very much needed therapy myself.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 08:44:08 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on Today at 03:04:53 AMRan, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
Thank you TheBigBlue. Your words have been comforting to read. I want to participate more in the forum itself, but when down like this, then I don't think I can be very reliable with what I say, but I'll try. I'm still trying to grasp everything of how the forum is like, but I'll get it eventually.
My graphic design course offers me some distraction and fun, so that's good I think. He also asked about mental health stuff, because I've been in bad place for few years and about if it's related to sexuality and I said:it started with around the time I had my identity crisis. I was in huge distress. I was scared I'd be disowned and exiled. It was all very vague and I didn't know half back then about gender or sexuality. Those things are so hush hush, where I'm from as city I live in is very conservative. Not everyone within my family are accepting of everything, but I don't care about it anymore as I know they need me and I still need them. It's kinda being codependent on each other what isn't healthy, but for me at least right now as I'm not financially capable of getting my own place, then it's the only solution right now. My dad can be controlling and toxic and don't believe in mental health and is in denial about my sexuality, but needs me for caregiving. I don't think he himself acknowledges it all. I did burnout due to caregiving fatigue. I took academic leave from university too, because everything just got too much the load for me was tremmendous.
If you know that Disney movie Encanto, then I feel just like Luisa did, when she was singing the song called surface pressure, like all the bricks are on her/my shoulders. I feel that entire tension on me all the time, not to mention being on fight or flight 24/7 like someone in a war constantly. I have accepted myself now more or less. Previously I went around in circles. I guess trauma blurred my true feelings. I like to think of my sexuality that I just like everyone. There is no need to put myself into restriction like a label, even though for descriptive purpose I say that I am a bisexual, when at first that label gave me ton of uncomfortableness.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 08:08:47 AMThank you again Papa Coco. Your kind words brought tears to my eyes. For being seen.
Yes, this does ring true to me. Being the Gilligan, the odd one out.
I have been feeling like the odd one out for a very very long time, possibly always. Feeling I don't belong, feeling I don't fit in. I think it started with my M, I think actually she was a Gilligan herself in her family, she did not know how to connect to any of them or to us. And for a long time, I had been thinking I 'should' be able to do everything all the other moms did, but it was just so terribly hard for me and I had an idea that maybe I was different. And now I know, my wiring is indeed different. And now that I've spoken up about this, at work too, I feel like they are looking at me differently because of this. And really, it's good that I'm being more congruent but it's hard too. Knowing I'm different is one thing but than doing enough to protect myself, give myself time to recuperate, doing what's needed to take care of myself, is another.
It's not that I don't see any progress, I do actually, comparing myself to a year ago or the years before. I am so much more aware of what's going on. And there are times that I am actually okay, relaxed. Although it's been a while. But now I'm thinking, will this get any better? Or will this be it? Because I wouldn't exactly call it comfortable.
I am so tired. I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know how to keep this up at the moment. I'm hair triggered. I feel depleted. I really just wanna hybernate. I've been looking into why this is, because last summer, I was doing a lot better. But looking back at my schedule of the past months revealed that I have been working very very very hard indeed to get everything done 'the way it should' and doing it then instead of later because 'I had to'. Lots of extra training sessions at work, lots of unexpected stuff I 've had to take care of relating to my mothers estate, an extra guinea pig that needed night feeding and surgery, having a very scary hospital appointment myself, all of which caused EF's that I've had not enough time to recover from. And too little time to do all of my meditations or yoga or time alone to reset the nervous system like I need.
While trying to stay afloat. What I find hard is that 'regular' people don't understand (how could they?) that just trying to stay afloat is so hard already, even without all the extra activities. And I am doing both.
I'm ever so grateful OOTS is here and we can be Gilligans together.
Yes, this does ring true to me. Being the Gilligan, the odd one out.
I have been feeling like the odd one out for a very very long time, possibly always. Feeling I don't belong, feeling I don't fit in. I think it started with my M, I think actually she was a Gilligan herself in her family, she did not know how to connect to any of them or to us. And for a long time, I had been thinking I 'should' be able to do everything all the other moms did, but it was just so terribly hard for me and I had an idea that maybe I was different. And now I know, my wiring is indeed different. And now that I've spoken up about this, at work too, I feel like they are looking at me differently because of this. And really, it's good that I'm being more congruent but it's hard too. Knowing I'm different is one thing but than doing enough to protect myself, give myself time to recuperate, doing what's needed to take care of myself, is another.
It's not that I don't see any progress, I do actually, comparing myself to a year ago or the years before. I am so much more aware of what's going on. And there are times that I am actually okay, relaxed. Although it's been a while. But now I'm thinking, will this get any better? Or will this be it? Because I wouldn't exactly call it comfortable.
I am so tired. I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know how to keep this up at the moment. I'm hair triggered. I feel depleted. I really just wanna hybernate. I've been looking into why this is, because last summer, I was doing a lot better. But looking back at my schedule of the past months revealed that I have been working very very very hard indeed to get everything done 'the way it should' and doing it then instead of later because 'I had to'. Lots of extra training sessions at work, lots of unexpected stuff I 've had to take care of relating to my mothers estate, an extra guinea pig that needed night feeding and surgery, having a very scary hospital appointment myself, all of which caused EF's that I've had not enough time to recover from. And too little time to do all of my meditations or yoga or time alone to reset the nervous system like I need.
While trying to stay afloat. What I find hard is that 'regular' people don't understand (how could they?) that just trying to stay afloat is so hard already, even without all the extra activities. And I am doing both.
I'm ever so grateful OOTS is here and we can be Gilligans together.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 07:02:38 AMThank you Papa Coco, you are so kind. Wishing you all the best for the holidays as well and lots of relaxation too.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:04:53 AMRan, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
#9
Recovery Journals / Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 12:24:42 AMHello,
I felt like starting a journal and see where it all takes me. I'm still very much depressed and constantly crying from over loosing my online home as I feel unfairly treated. Not to mention people putting pressures and burden on me I don't ask for, but I want to try and get better if possible, because being like this feels miserable. Helpline people have been angels though and letting me just talk and showing care, where no one else does. The helpline person made me realize that helping others have been in ways of taking care of myself. I never looked at it that way or maybe trauma didn't let me see.
I felt like starting a journal and see where it all takes me. I'm still very much depressed and constantly crying from over loosing my online home as I feel unfairly treated. Not to mention people putting pressures and burden on me I don't ask for, but I want to try and get better if possible, because being like this feels miserable. Helpline people have been angels though and letting me just talk and showing care, where no one else does. The helpline person made me realize that helping others have been in ways of taking care of myself. I never looked at it that way or maybe trauma didn't let me see.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Papa Coco - November 26, 2025, 09:30:28 PMDF:
I agree about the lousy electricians. Bad wiring causes fires, misfires, smoke, system and appliance failures: I'm talking about both house wiring and brain wiring.
I have recently begun to understand the "Identified Patient" concept. I think of it as the Gilligan concept. In the 1960s, the TV Show Gilligan's Island was about 7 castaways who always blamed everything on Gilligan. Poor kid couldn't do anything right it seemed. In all too many families, or even work crews, or teams, one poor soul get's tagged as the Identified Patient, or, as I call it, The Gilligan. Once that reputation is bought into by all, it is nearly impossible to shake off. It's not only the targeted person who lives with the reputation, but everyone else becomes comfortable with it also. If we are the unlucky soul to be tagged as "the Gilligan", then pretty soon, we just can't do anything right anymore, even when we really DO everything right. We become "typecast" as they say in the Entertainment Industry. Once we are "the Gilligan" we just remain there because that's just what everyone has decided we are. The convenience of having a Gilligan to blame everything on is not an easy convenience for them to let go of. It might make them reassess who really was at fault for their flaws.
I'm very sorry to read how badly you fear, even for your life, that people will be unhappy with your doings, even those doings that you didn't know were assigned to you. I remember well, being hated by people who had heard things about me that weren't true, AND that to this day I still don't know what it was they had even heard. How unfair to be shunned and scoffed at for something that wasn't even true. But a rumor was generated, in case by an "unkind" sibling, and was robustly spread around behind my back, so that when I showed up with a big, stupid smile on my face, I'd be horrified to suddenly discover I was unwelcome and half the room hated me for something I didn't even know I had been accused of.
I do resonate with how terrifying that is. It really does feel like a fight for our life.
You're not alone, DF. Your friends on the forum respect and trust you, just like you do us. There are a lot of us Gilligans on this deserted island together, and we are good people. All of us. You included!
PC.
I agree about the lousy electricians. Bad wiring causes fires, misfires, smoke, system and appliance failures: I'm talking about both house wiring and brain wiring.
I have recently begun to understand the "Identified Patient" concept. I think of it as the Gilligan concept. In the 1960s, the TV Show Gilligan's Island was about 7 castaways who always blamed everything on Gilligan. Poor kid couldn't do anything right it seemed. In all too many families, or even work crews, or teams, one poor soul get's tagged as the Identified Patient, or, as I call it, The Gilligan. Once that reputation is bought into by all, it is nearly impossible to shake off. It's not only the targeted person who lives with the reputation, but everyone else becomes comfortable with it also. If we are the unlucky soul to be tagged as "the Gilligan", then pretty soon, we just can't do anything right anymore, even when we really DO everything right. We become "typecast" as they say in the Entertainment Industry. Once we are "the Gilligan" we just remain there because that's just what everyone has decided we are. The convenience of having a Gilligan to blame everything on is not an easy convenience for them to let go of. It might make them reassess who really was at fault for their flaws.
I'm very sorry to read how badly you fear, even for your life, that people will be unhappy with your doings, even those doings that you didn't know were assigned to you. I remember well, being hated by people who had heard things about me that weren't true, AND that to this day I still don't know what it was they had even heard. How unfair to be shunned and scoffed at for something that wasn't even true. But a rumor was generated, in case by an "unkind" sibling, and was robustly spread around behind my back, so that when I showed up with a big, stupid smile on my face, I'd be horrified to suddenly discover I was unwelcome and half the room hated me for something I didn't even know I had been accused of.
I do resonate with how terrifying that is. It really does feel like a fight for our life.
You're not alone, DF. Your friends on the forum respect and trust you, just like you do us. There are a lot of us Gilligans on this deserted island together, and we are good people. All of us. You included!
PC.