Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 02:09:08 AMHi SO,
Travel requires such courage, to venture outside one's comfort zone—
plus, to navigate CPTSD-related challenges adds entire new layers to the notion of adventure...
It sounds like you stayed connected with yourself through the recent journey, ups and downs, which is always a positive accomplishment.
A phrase you wrote captured my imagination: "this hatch in my subconscious"... somehow I thought of a hatch in a submarine that opens at the surface, then seals when the sub sinks into the depths and disappears.
I am tracking the elusive subconscious activity in myself, and I never quite know what's going to vent out when the vessel surfaces and the hatches open.
Best to you.
Travel requires such courage, to venture outside one's comfort zone—
plus, to navigate CPTSD-related challenges adds entire new layers to the notion of adventure...
It sounds like you stayed connected with yourself through the recent journey, ups and downs, which is always a positive accomplishment.
A phrase you wrote captured my imagination: "this hatch in my subconscious"... somehow I thought of a hatch in a submarine that opens at the surface, then seals when the sub sinks into the depths and disappears.
I am tracking the elusive subconscious activity in myself, and I never quite know what's going to vent out when the vessel surfaces and the hatches open.
Best to you.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Armee - Today at 12:00:21 AM
I had a hard time with it too and resisted. It sets better with me than other forms of imagining or "rescripting" because it doesn't paper over the past or try to imagine it not existing, it just helps update the brain circuits to the present. Like the parts that are stuck in the past not just the intellectual knowledge that things are better now. I think it helps rewire things over time.
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - December 13, 2025, 11:55:50 PMQuote from: Blueberry on December 13, 2025, 02:15:53 AMA warm welcome to the forum, abitbroken!
Thank you Blueberry
#4
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - December 13, 2025, 11:38:57 PMThank you both for your lengthy and considerate responses. It's overwhelmed me that you have both taken the time to offer support and insight.
To actually have people who understand / relate to what I am living inside, is incredibly helpful. I have been lost with trying to explain myself and not feeling totally and utterly alien to every other human, even my poor therapist - she hasn't once dismissed or made me feel bad for anything - but I do get the voice telling me "she's just being kind, it's her job, she secretly thinks X, Y, Z" I try to ignore it as much as possible as the evidence is that she is a safe person, but it get's me and adds to the list of "unhelpful" thoughts that I am continually batting away.
I am 46 and have I think I have always been this way, but recently after I ended an 18.5 year relationship (which my Therapist says was unhealthy for me and says "Coercive Control" - which as before.. I can see logically but nothing has landed emotionally yet) and have finally got my own place again, after selling the house etc. etc. It has all gotten worse, crippling in fact. I genuinely feel like every hour (sometimes minute is a fight with whatever this is and it is exhausting). It has impacted my ability to do my job, I have had to have a lot of time off sick and am now having to work from home as the drive and all the people really are just too much. It is hard to explain to most people how flipping hard existing is living like this.
BigBlue - a lot of what you wrote really resonated, and NarcKiddo - thank you - I am not sure I have ever actually even processed that loss, so maybe that is part of it. I will check out the books, each and every one of them. Maybe an audible for bedtime.
The Death by a Thousand Cuts is eye opening.. and sad...
I appreciate all of your insights, kindness and for making me feel suddenly a lot less alone with this, thank you, deeply.
I have had a nosey around the rest of this site, and it is shockingly sad how many people are suffering, and to have somewhere to discuss any of this is incredible.
Looks like there is a long road ahead..
I wish I could offer some support back that was meaningful - but I feel like this is so new and I am undereducated. I hope that you both know you made a difference to me with your responses so thank you.
Now to "attempt" sleep
xxx
To actually have people who understand / relate to what I am living inside, is incredibly helpful. I have been lost with trying to explain myself and not feeling totally and utterly alien to every other human, even my poor therapist - she hasn't once dismissed or made me feel bad for anything - but I do get the voice telling me "she's just being kind, it's her job, she secretly thinks X, Y, Z" I try to ignore it as much as possible as the evidence is that she is a safe person, but it get's me and adds to the list of "unhelpful" thoughts that I am continually batting away.
I am 46 and have I think I have always been this way, but recently after I ended an 18.5 year relationship (which my Therapist says was unhealthy for me and says "Coercive Control" - which as before.. I can see logically but nothing has landed emotionally yet) and have finally got my own place again, after selling the house etc. etc. It has all gotten worse, crippling in fact. I genuinely feel like every hour (sometimes minute is a fight with whatever this is and it is exhausting). It has impacted my ability to do my job, I have had to have a lot of time off sick and am now having to work from home as the drive and all the people really are just too much. It is hard to explain to most people how flipping hard existing is living like this.
BigBlue - a lot of what you wrote really resonated, and NarcKiddo - thank you - I am not sure I have ever actually even processed that loss, so maybe that is part of it. I will check out the books, each and every one of them. Maybe an audible for bedtime.
The Death by a Thousand Cuts is eye opening.. and sad...
I appreciate all of your insights, kindness and for making me feel suddenly a lot less alone with this, thank you, deeply.
I have had a nosey around the rest of this site, and it is shockingly sad how many people are suffering, and to have somewhere to discuss any of this is incredible.
Looks like there is a long road ahead..
I wish I could offer some support back that was meaningful - but I feel like this is so new and I am undereducated. I hope that you both know you made a difference to me with your responses so thank you.
Now to "attempt" sleep
xxx #5
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Little2Nothing - December 13, 2025, 11:38:37 PMThanks Armee, I'm just beginning to learn about creating safety for those emotions. I'm not very good at it but am making progress.
I do see the value of doing what you mention. I still have an internal resistance to the process. Like I said I'm working on it.
That was not too advice-y. On the contrary I appreciate it deeply.
I do see the value of doing what you mention. I still have an internal resistance to the process. Like I said I'm working on it.
That was not too advice-y. On the contrary I appreciate it deeply.
#6
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by Armee - December 13, 2025, 11:27:14 PM I think your title says it all. And that all sounds really bad and I am so sorry you went through and are going thru all that.
Yes retraumatisation of the type you experienced in this relationship causes major PTSD flare ups. Its pretty much the definition of retraumatization...something that reactivates past trauma and PTSD.
For the next time you have to interact something that has helped me when encountering things I know will be triggering is to remind myself that is will be triggering and to identify as many points of potential triggers as I can. And then afterwards to name my reactions as the result of triggering. It helps me stay slightly more in the present. Not completely but it does help more than not doing that. For me at least.
Wishing you safety and eventual peace.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Armee - December 13, 2025, 11:17:38 PM One thing my therapist works with me on...it isn't a quick or total fix...but sometimes it helps a little...is because same as you i now have a safe love filled life but the past still lives on in the present too. But he has me imagine rescuing those kids from what was happening whatever they are stuck in and then bringing them home to my current safe loving home and letting them live there. Some only want to live in the closet in an empty room for now and he'll ask me to literally go sit in the closet with them. Maybe for you and me imagining those harmed kids joining safely in with your present life over the holidays will help a tiny bit. Nothing truly cures the whole hurt, but a bunch of different approaches seem to help take the edge off for me. Maybe you too.
I hope that isn't too advice-y. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know nothing really cures those deep wounds and the holidays can be so hard and triggering.
#9
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re-traumatization activates PT...
Last post by DD - December 13, 2025, 09:13:16 PMI was doing so much better already. I saw a reduction in the PTSD symptoms of flashbacks and such. And then a relationship I was in turned bad. It had not been good for a while already at this point as it was filled with uncertainty. But it turned bad in the last year. While I don't want to go into unnecessary details, I do want to touch upon a few instances to describe the level of bad.
******
TW
We were participating in the same project and he had promised to do some parts of it. We were running out of time and I asked him for help and finally voiced my disappointment that it wasn't happening. He reacted by breaking his hand against a wall while yelling at me. And then repeatedly told me in the following month how I pushed him into it. I was so proud I just walked out on the evening when it happened.
On another point a friend of his was visiting and this friend was actively shunning me when my friend had actively arranged I f.ex. help drive them around. And at one point I told him direct that this behavior will trigger bad trauma in me, but he didn't change behavior and just enabled this to continue.
My final point was when yet another time he had not delivered what he promised and I was the only one in that project still talking to him. So he decided to yell at me during 2 phone calls each lasting 45min-1h. I repeatedly asked him to please stop yelling at me but he did not.
And as I pulled away, he kept poking and speaking unkindly, attacking etc.
End of description of bad behavior
******
I have systematically removed his existence in my life, but I think I let it go on for too long. I had work-related reasons but already in the summer I wrote this detailed plan on how to exit the relationship safely that I then executed. But finding myself again in the position to have to make this kind of a plan (my marriage ended badly), was not good.
Once I had executed my exit plan far enough I told him that his behavior caused damage. At that point he just took a lot of distance from me. Which I appreciate even if I am fairly sure it is joined with a large level of victim-hood and zero accountability but it still makes things easier for me.
But after that point it seems my PTSD is back in full force. For about 6-8 months I've kept this person stable around me, I exited calmly(ish). And now, example: I returned some hardware to his place yesterday knowing he would not be around so no danger of running into him. I've had a trauma spiral since then. It started with nightmares all night long about running from dangerous people and trying to hide,
He is not the worst I've known. And the strength of my reactions causes shame because he's not _that_ scary. But I seem to react as if I'm in acute danger. And we do run in the same circles, and I had this event we both attended a week ago and spending that evening in the same very large room, I was constantly aware where in the room he was and after I spent some hours just crying. Just being that state of hypervigilance and pretending everything is fine, when it really isn't, was not good.
If anyone has ideas why in my mind he is this terrifying suddenly, I'd love to hear with the hope it would alleviate the shame. Because the shame is bad. It makes me feel I will never be all right and I'll just keep hurting everyone around me as my family again pay the price for me being triggered.
He is also still in a family group in one app I use. I'm paying for it and I would rather he not be there, but I'm scared kicking him off would get another nasty reaction from him even as I believe I would never see it. I don't know if it's an unnecessary poke to a bear. or if I just handle the discomfort.
I will have to see him in a week again. So any ideas on how to make it easier on myself and how to tend to the after effects and aftercare are most welcome. Based on the previous two things in past weeks I'll react very badly even if nothing goes wrong.
I understand on a logical level how hard this is. I promised myself the first time I had to make a safety plan that never again and here I was yet again in a situation that needed a safety plan. Maybe it would not have needed but I felt it did and that's the thing. How do I support myself through this when all I want to do is lament the fact that I have to AGAIN? He knew exactly how bad it had been and he'd seen the struggle I'd gone through to walk the healing journey. The level of betrayal of him putting me back through it is still coursing in my veins.
The worst thing he ever told me was that seeing how de-stabilising the healing is, he'd decided not to go for it. He has traumas in his background. But to have my healing journey used as a reason not to handle his issues... It still stings.
******
TW
We were participating in the same project and he had promised to do some parts of it. We were running out of time and I asked him for help and finally voiced my disappointment that it wasn't happening. He reacted by breaking his hand against a wall while yelling at me. And then repeatedly told me in the following month how I pushed him into it. I was so proud I just walked out on the evening when it happened.
On another point a friend of his was visiting and this friend was actively shunning me when my friend had actively arranged I f.ex. help drive them around. And at one point I told him direct that this behavior will trigger bad trauma in me, but he didn't change behavior and just enabled this to continue.
My final point was when yet another time he had not delivered what he promised and I was the only one in that project still talking to him. So he decided to yell at me during 2 phone calls each lasting 45min-1h. I repeatedly asked him to please stop yelling at me but he did not.
And as I pulled away, he kept poking and speaking unkindly, attacking etc.
End of description of bad behavior
******
I have systematically removed his existence in my life, but I think I let it go on for too long. I had work-related reasons but already in the summer I wrote this detailed plan on how to exit the relationship safely that I then executed. But finding myself again in the position to have to make this kind of a plan (my marriage ended badly), was not good.
Once I had executed my exit plan far enough I told him that his behavior caused damage. At that point he just took a lot of distance from me. Which I appreciate even if I am fairly sure it is joined with a large level of victim-hood and zero accountability but it still makes things easier for me.
But after that point it seems my PTSD is back in full force. For about 6-8 months I've kept this person stable around me, I exited calmly(ish). And now, example: I returned some hardware to his place yesterday knowing he would not be around so no danger of running into him. I've had a trauma spiral since then. It started with nightmares all night long about running from dangerous people and trying to hide,
He is not the worst I've known. And the strength of my reactions causes shame because he's not _that_ scary. But I seem to react as if I'm in acute danger. And we do run in the same circles, and I had this event we both attended a week ago and spending that evening in the same very large room, I was constantly aware where in the room he was and after I spent some hours just crying. Just being that state of hypervigilance and pretending everything is fine, when it really isn't, was not good.
If anyone has ideas why in my mind he is this terrifying suddenly, I'd love to hear with the hope it would alleviate the shame. Because the shame is bad. It makes me feel I will never be all right and I'll just keep hurting everyone around me as my family again pay the price for me being triggered.
He is also still in a family group in one app I use. I'm paying for it and I would rather he not be there, but I'm scared kicking him off would get another nasty reaction from him even as I believe I would never see it. I don't know if it's an unnecessary poke to a bear. or if I just handle the discomfort.
I will have to see him in a week again. So any ideas on how to make it easier on myself and how to tend to the after effects and aftercare are most welcome. Based on the previous two things in past weeks I'll react very badly even if nothing goes wrong.
I understand on a logical level how hard this is. I promised myself the first time I had to make a safety plan that never again and here I was yet again in a situation that needed a safety plan. Maybe it would not have needed but I felt it did and that's the thing. How do I support myself through this when all I want to do is lament the fact that I have to AGAIN? He knew exactly how bad it had been and he'd seen the struggle I'd gone through to walk the healing journey. The level of betrayal of him putting me back through it is still coursing in my veins.
The worst thing he ever told me was that seeing how de-stabilising the healing is, he'd decided not to go for it. He has traumas in his background. But to have my healing journey used as a reason not to handle his issues... It still stings.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Little2Nothing - December 13, 2025, 08:34:48 PMThank you SenseOrgan. The closer it gets to Christmas the more sadness presses on me.
As a kid I saw the Andy Williams specials and others portraying happy loving homes. A place of smiles, figgy pudding, and warm embraces. I think those things gave me a nostalgia for things that didn't exist in my world. It was a seasonally perpetual unmet need. I still have those feelings and I think it contributes to the emotional pain.
Those things were constantly unmet longings. The songs, happy ending movies, the joy and wonder everyone spoke about was never my reality. Yet, every year the cycle would begin and end the same.
Every year that childish hope rises and that feeling of hope mocks my longing. It all relates to the past.
I will say I have a loving family. Wife, kids and grandkids. My Christmas with them is pleasant and rational. No false expectations, but that disillusioned kid surfaces and will not be comforted. He can't be because he's longing for a fictional past.
As a kid I saw the Andy Williams specials and others portraying happy loving homes. A place of smiles, figgy pudding, and warm embraces. I think those things gave me a nostalgia for things that didn't exist in my world. It was a seasonally perpetual unmet need. I still have those feelings and I think it contributes to the emotional pain.
Those things were constantly unmet longings. The songs, happy ending movies, the joy and wonder everyone spoke about was never my reality. Yet, every year the cycle would begin and end the same.
Every year that childish hope rises and that feeling of hope mocks my longing. It all relates to the past.
I will say I have a loving family. Wife, kids and grandkids. My Christmas with them is pleasant and rational. No false expectations, but that disillusioned kid surfaces and will not be comforted. He can't be because he's longing for a fictional past.