Recent posts

#1

Letters of Recovery / Re: to the ones that raised me...

Last post by asdis - Today at 02:43:45 AM

We just wish we had a family we could talk to.

Our physical health is scary. Our mental health has always been scary. We're alone when our fiance works. We don't have friends to ask over; we have one friend that we typically see once a week. We don't have fiance's family's houses that we can go to, they all have pets we're allergic to. We can't ask them over either because they have kids. We don't have the capacity for conversation. Between pain and nightmares we are at our limit.

We wish we could go back in time and find a way to record all the important moments and details. We wouldn't miss you as much then. We don't really miss you, though, we miss the dissociated shell that you kept us trapped in. We miss when we thought our horrid mental state was normal. We miss when we thought our body hurting all the time was normal. We miss thinking that all food hurting us was normal. We miss the pain from before we knew much of anything about it. We miss the effect that you used to have on us, where we'd get so scared of you that our brain would lock us into "happy" mode. We miss not being able to know what's wrong. But that very effect is the reason our memory is so fragmented now.

We don't know where we're going with this. We're scared for when you start asking about holiday plans. We're scared that our pain and fear will prevent us from seeing our dogs again before they die. We're scared that you're going to stop helping us financially when the economy gets worse.

We wish that any one part of our life was normal. That there was one aspect of life that wasn't so much work. Our relationship with our fiance isn't work but keeping our lives running is. Our mental health is always work. We never get a break from it. Just this past week we've had an increase in nightmare severity and in the frequency of our daytime nightmares. But you can't tell from the outside. Our physical health is always work. Whether it's trying to budget energy to do necessary tasks or just trying to calculate how to move without causing more pain, it's work. Eating is work. Easy food means at least a couple of bad days afterwards. Food that doesn't hurt takes extra time, extra effort, extra money. Trying to keep up with hobbies and interests is work. There is nothing that doesn't cause us pain. Maintaining relationships is work. We only really have one friend and we only have them because they're willing to work around our pain and allergies.

We wish we had a family we could talk to. We wish we had a family we could ask for help with making appointments. We wish we could talk to you about our symptoms. We wish we could rely on you for any amount of emotional support. We wish we could reach out to extended family. We wish we didn't have to be alone.

#2

Sexual Abuse / Re: Loss of Sexual Identity Af...

Last post by Dark.art.girl - Today at 01:04:16 AM

GT,

You have every right to mourn and grieve. I'm so sorry for what you've had to experience. Being so young when the abuse starts and hoping to have that escape only for that dream to be shattered by those we put all of our trust into as an adult is absolutely devastating. We've always wanted safety and losing that safety to the hands of our safe-person is a betrayal of heart and soul, not just the body.

Without hijacking, I'd like to share with you that you are not alone. I resonate heavily with that loss of trust and safety. Your fear is not unjustified, your brain wants you to survive.

I'd like to give you a lot of credit for acknowledging this fear and confronting it in writing as you have done here. It's very easy to turn inwards and spiral.

Sending you lots of love and hugs 

#3

Recovery Journals / Re: I Am

Last post by Blueberry - Today at 12:55:11 AM

   reading both your journals there's a whole lot going on internally for you atm. Also sounds like big, deep EF. I've been there recently too due to the depth of trauma processing I'm doing. Hang in there, it does get better, there will be little glimmers on the horizon.

I don't think I've managed to write on your journals much recently but I have been reading. I was proud of you for going on the walk and writing about that as I was totally incapable at the time myself.

As someone with Parts and also pains and sensations that communicate what's going on internally, I'm heartened to read about Left Hand.

#4

Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?

Last post by Dark.art.girl - Today at 12:50:18 AM

San, that would be helpful for me.    Thank you. I need to move past the shame and take accountability.

I purchased Pete Walker's book and I read almost all of it in two days. It explains a lot of my behaviors when I was younger and made me realize how much of it I was thankfully able to work through successfully over the years. However, it also reminded me of the work I have left to do which I felt was a positive thing. It gave me a positive push forward.

On the other hand, I've also been watching Intervention on Youtube for funsies. It brought a concept to my mind that I can't seem to shake: how, if only my mother's horrible behaviors ended with her addiction. I see (some of) these families healing together after their loved one receives the help they need and I think, "yeah, they've got a lot of recovery to do as a family but at least they can accept them back into their lives now". I know that isn't the case for all of them, but it'd be nice if my mother's horrific actions started and ended with her alcoholism. Like once she got sober it was the end of the abandonment, brainwashing, gaslighting, jealousy, and selfishness.

I can't help but think about her every day right now. Especially approaching the holidays. Or others on her side of the family that I don't talk to. I wish I could sever the attachment I have to her. I miss her somehow and I loathe it. I resent it. For awhile, I couldn't look in the mirror because of my resemblance to her. When grandparents mentioned how much I looked like her, I cringed. When I see how my fingers are shaped like hers, I feel nauseous. Or how my voice and my laugh is identical to hers. I congratulate myself whenever my cadence or tone differs or is unique to me and me only.

Yet, there is still some level of hurt that after all this time, she hasn't even tried to reach out. I don't expect an apology from her at all unless she's desperate and I wouldn't accept it either. But the lack of trying?

If it were my daughter, I'd be calling, texting, begging for an explanation--wondering how I can make it right or what I did wrong. But ego is a heck of a thing. She can do no wrong.
The most I got was a text from her boyfriend a year ago simply stating that she's "suffering". Ok, and? As if she couldn't fix that issue herself.

Although it would maybe mean something had she taken accountability for anything or even allowed me to explain why she's lost the privilege of my company, it wouldn't change my decision to keep her out of my life. Someone like her shouldn't be allowed near children and she will never be given the chance to access mine--if I'm not too scared to have any of my own some day.

But that's the fine line I walk on. A "mother" who, I guess in her own way groomed me, taught me what motherly love could be, and then fed me to the wolves. She never looked back, man. But I somehow have some love left there. Who wouldn't?

Time will mend this wound slowly. There's a lot of wounds I'm discovering lol

I also wonder at times, not that it counts for anything, what other people think of this when they see I'm not apart of her life. When I discover a child that's nc with their parent(s) I know it's most likely for a good reason--in other words, it doesn't look good on them. What's funny is knowing how she'll never be able to actually explain the real reason to anyone out of guilt, shame, and embarrassment. She will live the rest of her life in delusion and lies. And I am more than comfortable with keeping my partner, my father, myself and my future children clean from any and all of that.

I want to send the letter I wrote. I think about it every year. I'll keep thinking about it. 

#5

The Cafe / Re: Favourite Quotes - Part 3

Last post by SenseOrgan - November 11, 2025, 04:10:18 PM

"The meaning of an ordeal, is the qualities of strength and character that you are forced to develop to meet and move through that ordeal, which you would never acquire and develop otherwise."

Bruce Ecker

#6

Recovery Journals / Re: I Am

Last post by Bach - November 11, 2025, 04:06:53 PM

Life feels absolutely unbearable today. I feel worthless and miserable, an irredeemable screwup. I'm so tired of being me. Last night I went to sleep sincerely hoping that I would not wake up this morning. Though I knew I would, of course, and of course I did, too early and insufficiently rested.  It took me ages to get out of bed, but eventually I did.  Now I want to take mass quantities of klonopin and go back to bed, sleep for a week like I did after 9/11/01, but even if that was an option, it wouldn't be an answer, and even if it was an answer, it wouldn't be an option.  There's no escape from myself.

Have to stop whining and do some work. 

#7

Eating Issues / Re: too many issues with food

Last post by dollyvee - November 11, 2025, 09:59:04 AM

There's something incredibly demoralizing about finally getting answers after 16 years only to find out that we've been right all along, that our disordered eating, our asthma, our skin problems, our inability to lose weight, our severe environmental allergies, our personality shift between 3rd and 5th grade.. could have all been avoided? Or at least, softened? Not only our FOO, but our peers, teachers, extended family, friends and their families, the rare doctor.. they were all so mean!

I read your post a while back and was too busy to comment, but wanted to come back to it and say congrats that you have found some answers and relief. It is a hard thing to deal with when people tell you that it's all in your head because it's something they themselves have never had to deal with, or understand. I guess for myself, I think I was tested at such a young age that I don't have a lot of memories of being sick, or what it was like to go through that, but I'm sure they are definitely buried in there somewhere. Though I do remember that I was sick, I guess it just felt like it was my fault. I was told/blamed that I was a "picky eater" and know that some of the things I didn't want to eat are things that I am reacting to now. I have heard that people have had good results on xolair, and I hope you're able to find some relief with that.

I had a "cheat" meal the other day probably because I was tired of the limited eating, and probably partly because I have been feeling so good that I wanted to see if these things were all in my head. The next day, I felt absolutely awful, like I was hung over all day, didn't want to move, and always seemed like I was on the edge of a headache (thanks tomatoes). It's pretty incredible that up until June, I've been eating this once a week. No wonder my body was always inflamed and unable to lose weight. Trying to explain why you're tired (because you ate a food) is also difficult I think for most people to understand, and the onus comes on me to keep everything together, which is also really difficult. These are the genetics I was born with and I have to manage them the best I can, and once I do that, it does help me start feeling better and a step away from all the what ifs and past behaviour of other people (and into the new/same old gas lighting of other doctors).

Sending you support and hope you feel better soon,
dolly

#8

Physical Issues / Re: Scarlet fever/Tonsillitis ...

Last post by dollyvee - November 11, 2025, 09:35:47 AM

Whatever the cause of this, I really hope you feel better soon. Thanks also for mentioning it. I have certainly had occasions where I have gone to bed feeling utterly cold for no reason. Sometimes it turns into flu but quite frequently it vanishes as suddenly as it came on. I have always put that down to hormonal fluctuations, but of course my state of mind could well be driving the hormones. I'm going to start paying more attention.

NK, I'm learning that one can have "histamine dumps" at night and that histamine is a body temperature regulator. In addition to hormones, it might be beneficial to look at foods you've eaten before bed, or throughout the day and whether or not they're high in histamine. Right now, I have "tried out" decreasing my mast cell/anti-histamines to once a day, and like clockwork, I'm having itchiness/skin issues show up almost every night around 8/9pm. I'm also having it in the morning as well, which is somewhat new.

#9

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today - ...

Last post by Blueberry - November 10, 2025, 07:32:51 PM

1) Decided it's time I got back on (some sort of) track and followed through

2) I cooked a fairly healthy meal, using up various bits of veg while I was about it

3) I have done some tidying - all of the: a bit here and a bit there variety

4) Finally had a shower and hairwash - in fact first big thing I did after deciding it's time I got back on track

5) I've done a little spot-cleaning, also of the: a bit here and a bit there variety.

6) I feel better having done a little tidying and cleaning. I especially feel better when I'm in the kitchen

#10

Therapy / Re: Therapy directly on a core...

Last post by LadyBoar - November 10, 2025, 06:09:27 PM

Hey Blueberry! I'm new here and just checked your thread.
One thing I can say is that I relate to the hitting the same nail in therapy again and again And I also had quite a few dissociative episodes in my life.

To me it always seems I am looking at the same thing but from another angle, if that makes sense.
Like looking at a cube but from different angles seeing different sides of it. Now make the cube a shape that has hundreds of sides that can only be seen in different angles.
Once I think I figure it out, I'm back at it again trying to understand what I'm truly looking at, I believe it will take time to get the full picture.