t's still in that early phase where they haven't "noticed" yet (which is just more proof of the "narc cloud" hovering over all of them, I feel), it's only been a few months, but today I got all stuck in my head about what I'd tell a LC sibling when they finally decide to confront me on it, if ever. What I'd say, what I'd confront them about myself, how I could possibly pass the guilt and shame I feel in isolation back on to them so I don't feel like it's on my shoulders so much, because it's so unfair; but most of all, the itching feeling like I owed an explanation.
I always find it baffling how some people with personality disorders just straight up don't recognise that a family member isn't full contact with them any longer. In my experience, if you're still serving them from time to time and stoking their ego enough then they don't really acknowledge a problem. I was quite low contact with my father for years with him only contacting me when he wanted a favour doing, which was all fine until he took offence at the one occasion when I wasn't able to meet his demands. The idea that we ever had a loving, genuine relationship and that he misses
me is actually laughable. I think if family isn't even noticing low contact then the shame for the situation truly isn't yours to bear, as they're clearly not seeing you or taking any accountability for their role in the circumstances.
Where I always get to when I'm caught in these spirals also is that I know FOO well enough to know they don't spiral over these things in the same way - except my enabler sis maybe, but she has the toxic support of my other FOO members to keep her feeling validated that she's in the right if she has doubts (which, of course, is why she's enabling and fawning, to feel safe in the dynamic, like she always has). Meanwhile, I dont have that.
Then it makes me realize that there isn't a capacity for empathy on their side of things like there is on mine. If they truly cared, they'd be spinning their wheels in the same way figuring out how to get through that they care for me genuinely. Only, they don't, obviously! They would have done that by now if I was a priority.
Yeah definitely, the lack of empathy on NF's part is something I always forget when I'm triggered into shame. I often project my feelings of sadness and guilt on to him, all the while forgetting that he's coccooned in his usual dynamic and has expressed no wish to address reality. He's validated by enabling people around him who choose to maintain the status quo so there's no incentive for him to attempt change.
PD people (and their flying monkeys) are like flame, if you toss them any emotion at all it just feeds them like dry tinder. I think I'm learning this. I was just watching a show and there was an awesome line: "What do they say about arguing with i***ts? They pull you down to their level, and then they beat you with experience." (Sorry to quote an insulting term! I don't think PDs are i***ts, but I think the concept applies to dealing with PD folk too, sorry if it comes of too harsh.)
But you're on a different level. Medium chill is a concept I really like: the only way to deal with fire is to be like ice. Preserve yourself. Even showing that you care gives the opportunity for the fire, and thus more abuse, to spread. Every emotion is a tool against you. So why outwardly show that you do care by writing them? Why expose yourself?
The only reason: the pangs of guilt, shame, and sadness over being scapegoated are painful, and you want an outlet for them. But the thing is that they're a sign of your humanity; that you do care about them deeply. But that's an emotion you have the beautiful privilege and power to keep completely to yourself and know what it means. When they have access to it though, it gets warped and turned into something ugly (and turned against you, for that matter), so preserve it for yourself and don't give them anything.
We don't owe anyone (especially a fellow peer adult - great point, Jazzy!) an explanation about what we must do to feel deserving of self-confidence and peace of mind.
Oh absolutely, I think NF's personality disorder thrives on the chaos and he gets a high from feeling a sense of power. I first really recognised this after the first communication boundary I tried putting in place, after which he came to my home out of the blue and showed no emotion whatsoever. He seemed to have a really odd energy about him though, as if he was enjoying (and even excited by) my obvious discomfort over him being there. He was whispering about me to his now wife in full earshot with no respect for my feelings and went as far as to aggressively poke me in the ribs, which I'm just shocked by now when I recall it. It's something he always used to do when I was a little girl if I ever dared show any defiance and is actually very painful, more so than you might think. When living in relative peace it's so easy to forget what the reality of his demeanour actually is.
Medium chill is really valuable when contacting any person who has demonstrated time and time again that they have no respect for your feelings. I've been reading up on Myers Briggs personality types recently and although there's some controversy over how accurate it is, it is an interesting insight into how some personalities are dominated by feeling whereas others might be dominated by thinking, plus how that changes our perceptions of and reactions to events. I'm very much a feeler and I think because I'm naturally sensitive it is very easy for someone such as my father to exploit this for his own amusement.
The thing with NPD is that it's often referred to an illness and we possibly assign some leniency to the affected person as a result (against my better judgement, I've read many articles which show a lot of sympathy for them), because most people with illnesses more than anything want to get better. Narcissists rarely do this. My father has disordered, unhealthy patterns of thinking which no doubt stems from his own abusive childhood, however he can also think logically when it comes to choosing which social mask to wear on any given day and is very skilled at hiding any evidence of his abuse towards others. The latter demonstrates to me that he knows his behaviour is unacceptable but chooses to go ahead and treat people badly anyway because he knows he can so easily manipulate people's emotions and get away with it. Is failure to take accountability really a result of narcissistic illness, or is it just the sign of a very unpleasant person who doesn't care? We can't make this call and personally I find that my viewpoint varies depending on how I'm feeling in myself. Currently I'm feeling calm and well-rested and can clearly see that he
should be taking accountability rather than being let off the hook, so it's probably a good time to get these more reality-driven thoughts down on paper, if only for my own benefit to reflect back on when I start beating myself up again.
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