Recent posts
#1
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 02:15:17 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on Today at 01:07:23 PM... You don't have to power through everything just because logically an encounter with him is not *that* bad. You need to take care of you, whatever that looks like.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 02:08:48 PMAbitbroken, I really hear you. What you describe is so familiar to many of us here. It doesn't sound stupid at all. That swing from numbness to unbearable feeling is something a lot of nervous systems do once they finally aren't in constant survival mode anymore.
You're doing a lot already: therapy, reading, reaching out, caring for your cat. That matters, even when it doesn't feel like it's helping yet. I'm really glad you're here, and I'm glad you spoke up. You don't have to have answers to belong.
Sending steadiness your way.
You're doing a lot already: therapy, reading, reaching out, caring for your cat. That matters, even when it doesn't feel like it's helping yet. I'm really glad you're here, and I'm glad you spoke up. You don't have to have answers to belong.
Sending steadiness your way.
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - Today at 01:10:10 PMThank you - that was really kind, both of you - I guess I am at a place where I have a million questions and no answers, but I definitely feel a bit less alone, and hopefully as I figure this all out I will be able to share more and offer more.
Right now I am in what feels like a total doom loop, manage a bit of a small part of the day, think maybe this is all in my head momentarily, then bang, crushed to smithereens. I kept myself busy all day yesterday, went to bed thinking maybe it isn't that bad, then woke up soaked in sweat, with a pounding heart, from a random dream which I felt had zero context to my actual life and today back to feeling waves of pain, looping thoughts, fighting to ignore them and carry out tasks etc. It is like living in a war inside and the worst part is fighting yourself. Trying to explain this to almost anyone feels impossible, especially when you don't understand it yourself.
It sounds stupid but when I first got into my own place after the final sale etc all went through - I felt zero anything, zero emotion, total numbness - and just auto piloted.. I remember thinking - well this isn't normal, I hope i do start to feel something.. and now, what I wouldn't give for the numbness to come back!
I am hoping it will soon, it is a relief from the pain.
I downloaded Gabor Mate's "Myth of Normal", Pete Walker "Surviving to Thriving" and (not going to try and spell his name) "The Body Keeps the Score" so plenty of reading to do - which will hopefully help with the looping.
Does anyone else feel like they try so so hard to be good and kind and gentle and wonder why it is still not enough to make it better? That keeps spinning today, and maybe I am not trying hard enough.
Off to focus on my little cat now, she needs me to get myself together.
Thank you again, deeply and sincerely - I have found more help / support here than I thought possible and plenty to be getting on with.
Right now I am in what feels like a total doom loop, manage a bit of a small part of the day, think maybe this is all in my head momentarily, then bang, crushed to smithereens. I kept myself busy all day yesterday, went to bed thinking maybe it isn't that bad, then woke up soaked in sweat, with a pounding heart, from a random dream which I felt had zero context to my actual life and today back to feeling waves of pain, looping thoughts, fighting to ignore them and carry out tasks etc. It is like living in a war inside and the worst part is fighting yourself. Trying to explain this to almost anyone feels impossible, especially when you don't understand it yourself.
It sounds stupid but when I first got into my own place after the final sale etc all went through - I felt zero anything, zero emotion, total numbness - and just auto piloted.. I remember thinking - well this isn't normal, I hope i do start to feel something.. and now, what I wouldn't give for the numbness to come back!
I am hoping it will soon, it is a relief from the pain.
I downloaded Gabor Mate's "Myth of Normal", Pete Walker "Surviving to Thriving" and (not going to try and spell his name) "The Body Keeps the Score" so plenty of reading to do - which will hopefully help with the looping.
Does anyone else feel like they try so so hard to be good and kind and gentle and wonder why it is still not enough to make it better? That keeps spinning today, and maybe I am not trying hard enough.
Off to focus on my little cat now, she needs me to get myself together.
Thank you again, deeply and sincerely - I have found more help / support here than I thought possible and plenty to be getting on with.
#4
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 01:07:23 PMI am so sorry. Well done for getting out.
It seems to me that although logically you say he is not *that* bad, emotionally he is bringing up all of the terror that you have experienced from people who are *that* bad. Which is no surprise since, as Armee has said, past trauma is getting reactivated.
You did really well to realised you needed a safety plan and a plan to get out. You made the plans, you executed them and you are reducing all contact to the smallest necessary. I hope contact can soon be nil. Please try not to feel ashamed about your reaction to all of this. It is totally understandable and is a normal reaction given your past experiences. I get terribly worked up still about meeting with my FOO, even though I now know I am strong enough to stand up to them. They consistently behave more tolerably these days but my emotional self finds it hard to accept that I can handle the situation, even if they suddenly revert to how they used to be.
Since you have to see him again, soon, while emotions are still raw from the last trigger, I think one practical thing you might do is try to get rid of any other potentially stressful events in the days leading up to and after the event. Give yourself time to process things and remove any unnecessary stressors from your calendar. There's often tiresome "obligations" at this time of year but give yourself permission to cancel things you don't want to do. Claim illness if you need to. You don't have to power through everything just because logically an encounter with him is not *that* bad. You need to take care of you, whatever that looks like.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
It seems to me that although logically you say he is not *that* bad, emotionally he is bringing up all of the terror that you have experienced from people who are *that* bad. Which is no surprise since, as Armee has said, past trauma is getting reactivated.
You did really well to realised you needed a safety plan and a plan to get out. You made the plans, you executed them and you are reducing all contact to the smallest necessary. I hope contact can soon be nil. Please try not to feel ashamed about your reaction to all of this. It is totally understandable and is a normal reaction given your past experiences. I get terribly worked up still about meeting with my FOO, even though I now know I am strong enough to stand up to them. They consistently behave more tolerably these days but my emotional self finds it hard to accept that I can handle the situation, even if they suddenly revert to how they used to be.
Since you have to see him again, soon, while emotions are still raw from the last trigger, I think one practical thing you might do is try to get rid of any other potentially stressful events in the days leading up to and after the event. Give yourself time to process things and remove any unnecessary stressors from your calendar. There's often tiresome "obligations" at this time of year but give yourself permission to cancel things you don't want to do. Claim illness if you need to. You don't have to power through everything just because logically an encounter with him is not *that* bad. You need to take care of you, whatever that looks like.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:50:52 PMQuote from: Little2Nothing on December 13, 2025, 08:34:48 PMEvery year that childish hope rises and that feeling of hope mocks my longing. It all relates to the past.
I will say I have a loving family. Wife, kids and grandkids. My Christmas with them is pleasant and rational. No false expectations, but that disillusioned kid surfaces and will not be comforted. He can't be because he's longing for a fictional past.
Wow. That resonates so much with me. "Pleasant and rational." Why can't that be enough? It is for adult me - I craved it when engulfed in FOO madness on the day - but it's totally not good enough for little NK. She wants all the Hollywood trappings and can't accept that they belong in Hollywood. I'm not sure that unremitting joy and wonder is anyone's reality, but our realities were so far away that we've clung onto the hope the joy and wonder exists and we will one day experience it.
I have no answers, but I hope adult L2N can enjoy the pleasant and rational holidays, even if little L2N is disappointed. Maybe you can find something a bit silly or over the top or indulgent to see if that makes little L2N feel a bit more cheerful.
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:30:33 PMQuote from: Abitbroken on December 13, 2025, 11:38:57 PMI wish I could offer some support back that was meaningful
Just being here and sharing is actually supporting others. I did a fiction writing course many years ago. Part of the deal was that we all shared pieces of work and then everyone would offer feedback. At the start of the course we all thought we would learn most from what others had to say about the pieces we had written. By the end we all realised we learned most from critiquing the work of other people - from seeing both the good and the problematic and from finding kind and supportive ways to comment on both. Then we could take that experience and more easily apply it to our own work.
So, thank you for being here and for allowing us to share some of your concerns. I'm glad you don't feel so alone now you've found this place.
I hope you slept well.
#7
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 07:42:41 AMDo thank your daughter for baking enough for us too, Chart!
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 02:38:31 AMThank you for sharing all of this so honestly. I'm really glad our replies helped even a little; feeling understood can make such a difference when everything feels this hard. What you describe sounds incredibly exhausting, and it makes sense that things intensified after such a major loss and change. I'm really glad you're here, and I hope you get some rest tonight. 💛
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 02:09:08 AMHi SO,
Travel requires such courage, to venture outside one's comfort zone—
plus, to navigate CPTSD-related challenges adds entire new layers to the notion of adventure...
It sounds like you stayed connected with yourself through the recent journey, ups and downs, which is always a positive accomplishment.
A phrase you wrote captured my imagination: "this hatch in my subconscious"... somehow I thought of a hatch in a submarine that opens at the surface, then seals when the sub sinks into the depths and disappears.
I am tracking the elusive subconscious activity in myself, and I never quite know what's going to vent out when the vessel surfaces and the hatches open.
Best to you.
Travel requires such courage, to venture outside one's comfort zone—
plus, to navigate CPTSD-related challenges adds entire new layers to the notion of adventure...
It sounds like you stayed connected with yourself through the recent journey, ups and downs, which is always a positive accomplishment.
A phrase you wrote captured my imagination: "this hatch in my subconscious"... somehow I thought of a hatch in a submarine that opens at the surface, then seals when the sub sinks into the depths and disappears.
I am tracking the elusive subconscious activity in myself, and I never quite know what's going to vent out when the vessel surfaces and the hatches open.
Best to you.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Armee - Today at 12:00:21 AM I had a hard time with it too and resisted. It sets better with me than other forms of imagining or "rescripting" because it doesn't paper over the past or try to imagine it not existing, it just helps update the brain circuits to the present. Like the parts that are stuck in the past not just the intellectual knowledge that things are better now. I think it helps rewire things over time.