Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:48:58 PMthank you so much, hope. it is a big undertaking, and i'm still going thru final proofreading, but this cleaner version can be uploaded any time, so it's not quite as stressful for me. still, another book in print is always exciting! 
DF, thanks for your support. i did read what you went thru, and it sounded extremely stressful. maybe next time you can take Teddy and have that comfort for yourself.
i've been having terrible anxiety the past 2 nites, anxiety attacks as well, and i think it's pretty much due to this doctor stuff. my D came into my room last nite, i told her what was going on, asked if she could 'take' some of the gunk from out of my head, and she did. just a hands-on energy removal of sorts, but she said that whatever she removed felt like a big brick. then she got a jar for me so i could release more into that, which i did, and she put the cover on and took it outside. told me that the gunk she removed was one color, what i removed was totally different. i felt much better afterwards. amazing how this stuff works.
anyway, i think this is all about the doctor stuff. i have a questionnaire to fill out before my next appt., and i began looking it over - do i do this, eat veggies, fruit, exercise, how many times/day, to what level, and i had to stop. i believe it's because of the expectations involved, and now that i think of it, probably sent me into an EF. just like a kid, parental expectations, not living up to their idea of perfection. yeah, that's the key word - perfection.
that grabbed me by the throat.
DF, thanks for your support. i did read what you went thru, and it sounded extremely stressful. maybe next time you can take Teddy and have that comfort for yourself.
i've been having terrible anxiety the past 2 nites, anxiety attacks as well, and i think it's pretty much due to this doctor stuff. my D came into my room last nite, i told her what was going on, asked if she could 'take' some of the gunk from out of my head, and she did. just a hands-on energy removal of sorts, but she said that whatever she removed felt like a big brick. then she got a jar for me so i could release more into that, which i did, and she put the cover on and took it outside. told me that the gunk she removed was one color, what i removed was totally different. i felt much better afterwards. amazing how this stuff works.
anyway, i think this is all about the doctor stuff. i have a questionnaire to fill out before my next appt., and i began looking it over - do i do this, eat veggies, fruit, exercise, how many times/day, to what level, and i had to stop. i believe it's because of the expectations involved, and now that i think of it, probably sent me into an EF. just like a kid, parental expectations, not living up to their idea of perfection. yeah, that's the key word - perfection.
that grabbed me by the throat.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:36:05 PMDF, it is such a good feeling to get recognized! i can relate to all that nervousness and anxiety about the 'shoulds' - i was going to have my B and his wife come over yesterday for the game, and i 'should' be able to entertain 2 people very close to me and make a simple pasta salad for lunch, but i was freaking out about it in a terrible way. it's not like i haven't done this a million times in the past. so simple, it seems. when they canceled, i was very glad. what a way to live!
so, yeah. getting stressed out about things that seem ordinary or simple, but take on proportions of mountains. i'm glad you got time to yourself and were able to breathe again. that fear of death thing is very real. love and hugs
so, yeah. getting stressed out about things that seem ordinary or simple, but take on proportions of mountains. i'm glad you got time to yourself and were able to breathe again. that fear of death thing is very real. love and hugs
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:28:04 PMSO, you sound so into you, being w/ you, being you, taking care of you. i think it's wonderful. i'm glad you have this opportunity. love and hugs
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:24:36 PMbach, i can see how something pos. could feel unsafe. i don't know how many times, throughout my life, such pos. feelings were ripped away by one person or another. even when i thought i could feel safe w/ my own firstborn, nope. it's now taken years for me to feel safe w/ my D, who i live with, but that's been a process.
i've always been optimistic, for some reason, (probably cuz of my alexithymia) even when the good feelings were taken from me cuz of someone's behavior, until just recently. now, i am quick not to trust, be on my guard, wait and see, especially since some of my feelings, like fear, have returned. i think it's an awful way to live. i do hope you are able to eventually shed those 'unsafe' feelings and be able to just be you. love and hugs
i've always been optimistic, for some reason, (probably cuz of my alexithymia) even when the good feelings were taken from me cuz of someone's behavior, until just recently. now, i am quick not to trust, be on my guard, wait and see, especially since some of my feelings, like fear, have returned. i think it's an awful way to live. i do hope you are able to eventually shed those 'unsafe' feelings and be able to just be you. love and hugs
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 12:29:04 PMHi Bach,
It's interesting, I just listened to a Jay Reid video where he talks about leaving the "upside down world" of the scapegoated child. A lot of those times the world does feel unsafe because it was unsafe to have those feelings. It was the "normal" that you grew up with where there were very real repercussions (ie life and death for a child) if you didn't follow along. For a child to be no one to no one (to not be accepted by your parent if you didn't conform to their view of you as being the wrong/bad/etc etc one) meant that you wouldn't exist and that is an annhilation/life or death feeling. For me, I think this feeling was there since birth, or before birth, and it's so hard to seperate that out (how did my FOOs idea of the world overtake my own Self) when the only world that I have known has felt unsafe.
Sending you support
dolly
It's interesting, I just listened to a Jay Reid video where he talks about leaving the "upside down world" of the scapegoated child. A lot of those times the world does feel unsafe because it was unsafe to have those feelings. It was the "normal" that you grew up with where there were very real repercussions (ie life and death for a child) if you didn't follow along. For a child to be no one to no one (to not be accepted by your parent if you didn't conform to their view of you as being the wrong/bad/etc etc one) meant that you wouldn't exist and that is an annhilation/life or death feeling. For me, I think this feeling was there since birth, or before birth, and it's so hard to seperate that out (how did my FOOs idea of the world overtake my own Self) when the only world that I have known has felt unsafe.
Sending you support
dolly
#6
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: I had to save myself, caus...
Last post by LadyBoar - Today at 10:35:48 AMQuote from: Kizzie on November 23, 2025, 05:40:22 PMJust the fact that you revealed your experiences to us here shows you are moving forward.
Thank you, Kizzie!
I guess it's worse now cause of the holidays coming up and my family wanting to play pretend, as if all is and always was fine. And I just can't do it anymore. But my therapist said something similar to you, that this means I'm moving forward!
Some days are harder than others but I'm excited and hopeful to live a more authentic life.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - Today at 01:27:41 AMOptimism very much feels unsafe. Optimism triggers impatience, which gives me the exact same bodily sensation as fear does, a sort of jolting twanging clench in my lower gut. What a familiar feeling that is that clench, caused by all manner of things, but most problematically, caused by feelings of hope and positivity.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Desert Flower - November 23, 2025, 08:06:50 PMWow that sounds great SO! Enjoy!
"Before enlightenment, chop wood; After enlightenment, chop wood."
"Before enlightenment, chop wood; After enlightenment, chop wood."
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - November 23, 2025, 07:58:53 PMThanks guys! Just a sign of life... Will hopefully respond another moment. Thank youball so very much for being here.
I've been in the off grid situation for four days now. I started taking half a benzo daily because my sleep wouldn't behave and that's really rough over here.
Staying physically active is not a luxury here. Also mentally it's very important. So it's been working with the benzo's. Sleep is good enough to keep going.
The isolation and alienation I've experienced here so often and so intensely hasn't showed up thus far. I feel actually quite shockingly okay being here. Being part of OOTS plays a significant role in it. I feel some of the connection in the background, so to say. I'm not treading the emotional waters as I did all my life. The pills/sleep are a major factor here too. It's great to experience anyway. High alert isn't switched on. It's odd to feel so relatively relaxed here. It's not the cirumstances, I guarantee.
As long as there's daylight, I try to keep going. It's practical stuff all day. Mostly cutting trees. Basic tools only. Machete, bow saw, stick, pick axe, sledge hammer, that sort of stuff. It's a jungle here. I'm constantly climbing over and under fallen trees on slippery, rocky slopes. I've developed my own way of doing this over the years. The key is to be careful, precise, and not to hurry. And have some luck too. My chainsaw was stolen years ago. I'm actually glad. Scary machine. There's something incredibly rewarding in working with hand tools. The machete is often a lot quicker too. It's all very rough. Exercise all day. I ache all over. Full of scratches and bruises. It's all good.
I realised what it is that I'm doing here. In this mad place. I'm playing. It's hard to do something remotely like this at home. A part of me does feel at home here. A twelve year old kid, enjoyjng living in nature. Apart from the insanity side of doing this, this is trauma work too. To play. I've learned to not take things so seriously here. The hard way. I used to be very invested in the project. It's a lot better to have already accepted that it's not really up to me what happens. Makes the journey so much lighter.
I've noticed that my mind has been exceptionally quiet these days. Much more than before. I'm not even formally meditating here. I work when it's light and sleep when it's dark, basically. It's been a really good start. I do expect some emotional challenges at some point, but no need to worry about that now. Mainly just enjoying myself.
Much love.
I've been in the off grid situation for four days now. I started taking half a benzo daily because my sleep wouldn't behave and that's really rough over here.
Staying physically active is not a luxury here. Also mentally it's very important. So it's been working with the benzo's. Sleep is good enough to keep going.
The isolation and alienation I've experienced here so often and so intensely hasn't showed up thus far. I feel actually quite shockingly okay being here. Being part of OOTS plays a significant role in it. I feel some of the connection in the background, so to say. I'm not treading the emotional waters as I did all my life. The pills/sleep are a major factor here too. It's great to experience anyway. High alert isn't switched on. It's odd to feel so relatively relaxed here. It's not the cirumstances, I guarantee.
As long as there's daylight, I try to keep going. It's practical stuff all day. Mostly cutting trees. Basic tools only. Machete, bow saw, stick, pick axe, sledge hammer, that sort of stuff. It's a jungle here. I'm constantly climbing over and under fallen trees on slippery, rocky slopes. I've developed my own way of doing this over the years. The key is to be careful, precise, and not to hurry. And have some luck too. My chainsaw was stolen years ago. I'm actually glad. Scary machine. There's something incredibly rewarding in working with hand tools. The machete is often a lot quicker too. It's all very rough. Exercise all day. I ache all over. Full of scratches and bruises. It's all good.
I realised what it is that I'm doing here. In this mad place. I'm playing. It's hard to do something remotely like this at home. A part of me does feel at home here. A twelve year old kid, enjoyjng living in nature. Apart from the insanity side of doing this, this is trauma work too. To play. I've learned to not take things so seriously here. The hard way. I used to be very invested in the project. It's a lot better to have already accepted that it's not really up to me what happens. Makes the journey so much lighter.
I've noticed that my mind has been exceptionally quiet these days. Much more than before. I'm not even formally meditating here. I work when it's light and sleep when it's dark, basically. It's been a really good start. I do expect some emotional challenges at some point, but no need to worry about that now. Mainly just enjoying myself.
Much love.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - November 23, 2025, 06:07:32 PMAnd again, I had been doing pretty much all right for the past weeks, although things were too busy again.
And then, this weekend, it all came crashing down on me again. It really wasn't a pretty sight I'm afraid.
Last week had been too much already, I was being evaluated at work (nothing but compliments but that doesn't seem to matter or sink in) and then, without me being able to rest even a little bit, I went straight into a weekend with my old time friends in our holiday home. Okay, here comes the 'shoulding'. It should have been nice, shouldn't it. But the thing is, like last year, I'm so anxious of making any little 'mistake', doing/saying something stupid like burning the soup (I didn't). And a weekend like this consists of constant conversation between the five of us and it is just draining to me. And then I started feeling bad about being so drained, and needing to get back to work tomorrow after an exhausting weekend with everybody thinking I should have had a nice weekend.
And my dear h (without properly consulting me) had planned to celebrate his birthday with his sisters' (who annoy me for different reasons), also during this weekend. And his idea was, good for me, I was not gonna have to be there because I would be away. But me, on the contrary, felt I HAD to be there for his birthday and I just felt torn, well ripped apart is more like it. I just completely stressed me out I 'had to' be in two places at once and then this morning, my friends asked me how I was doing and it just all came pouring out of me, I just fell apart completely.
- Trigger warning -
I had been talking about my 'disorder' during this weekend, which is good, but part of me wasn't sure they really understood how debilitating this is (how could they?) and wanted to be seen. But then, as I started crying my heart out, of being soooo afraid of taking up any space for me, of just really needing to NOT go to my h's birthday thing (involving a bowling alley and a family dinner!), now I was afraid of showing myself to be such a mess. But they were most kind about it and understanding. And one of the friends said 'this is a fear of death' and it is. This was recognition. The old fear of being left alone and dying as a baby when your M will not come to comfort or feed you when you need it. Because that will make the baby stop crying (my M's words). Well, I'm still crying. The old fear of any slight dissaproval or being disliked because that will make matters even worse. Trying to get the abuser to like you, because you hope he will treat you better then (he did not). I hope I'm making sense here.
So finally, I did NOT go to the birthday thing, I just wasn't able to at all. I reassembled myself a little bit, drove home (scared because I've still got the summer tires, should have changed them by now but I forgot), got myself a snack lunch and then slept through the afternoon, no one home. Alone at last, silence, sigh. I'm now feeling calmer. I am safe.
And I am on a trauma patient panel and I filled out their questionaire on (dreading) the holidays, and somehow it just felt good to check seven boxes for the types of trauma and abuse that I suffered (that's half of the possible traumas they listed). Felt like recognition.
And then, this weekend, it all came crashing down on me again. It really wasn't a pretty sight I'm afraid.
Last week had been too much already, I was being evaluated at work (nothing but compliments but that doesn't seem to matter or sink in) and then, without me being able to rest even a little bit, I went straight into a weekend with my old time friends in our holiday home. Okay, here comes the 'shoulding'. It should have been nice, shouldn't it. But the thing is, like last year, I'm so anxious of making any little 'mistake', doing/saying something stupid like burning the soup (I didn't). And a weekend like this consists of constant conversation between the five of us and it is just draining to me. And then I started feeling bad about being so drained, and needing to get back to work tomorrow after an exhausting weekend with everybody thinking I should have had a nice weekend.
And my dear h (without properly consulting me) had planned to celebrate his birthday with his sisters' (who annoy me for different reasons), also during this weekend. And his idea was, good for me, I was not gonna have to be there because I would be away. But me, on the contrary, felt I HAD to be there for his birthday and I just felt torn, well ripped apart is more like it. I just completely stressed me out I 'had to' be in two places at once and then this morning, my friends asked me how I was doing and it just all came pouring out of me, I just fell apart completely.
- Trigger warning -
I had been talking about my 'disorder' during this weekend, which is good, but part of me wasn't sure they really understood how debilitating this is (how could they?) and wanted to be seen. But then, as I started crying my heart out, of being soooo afraid of taking up any space for me, of just really needing to NOT go to my h's birthday thing (involving a bowling alley and a family dinner!), now I was afraid of showing myself to be such a mess. But they were most kind about it and understanding. And one of the friends said 'this is a fear of death' and it is. This was recognition. The old fear of being left alone and dying as a baby when your M will not come to comfort or feed you when you need it. Because that will make the baby stop crying (my M's words). Well, I'm still crying. The old fear of any slight dissaproval or being disliked because that will make matters even worse. Trying to get the abuser to like you, because you hope he will treat you better then (he did not). I hope I'm making sense here.
So finally, I did NOT go to the birthday thing, I just wasn't able to at all. I reassembled myself a little bit, drove home (scared because I've still got the summer tires, should have changed them by now but I forgot), got myself a snack lunch and then slept through the afternoon, no one home. Alone at last, silence, sigh. I'm now feeling calmer. I am safe.
And I am on a trauma patient panel and I filled out their questionaire on (dreading) the holidays, and somehow it just felt good to check seven boxes for the types of trauma and abuse that I suffered (that's half of the possible traumas they listed). Felt like recognition.