Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 08:46:14 PMDalloway, I am saddened to hear you are struggling and I wish I could lift your burden, my friend...
I commiserate with the Sisyphean task of trying to make sense of nonsense and illogical pain.
I turn to nature for solace and lessons. You mention waterlillies floating on the surface. They do float, and they have very strong roots. And they bloom when it's time. "No mud, no lotus."
Are you familiar with the book "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rainier Maria Rilke? Written in the early 1900's, Rilke encourages the young poet to look inward, to trust his own guidance, and to love the questions. In the most beautiful and eloquent prose... you might enjoy it, Dalloway.
I send affection and the knowledge that you are not alone.
I commiserate with the Sisyphean task of trying to make sense of nonsense and illogical pain.
I turn to nature for solace and lessons. You mention waterlillies floating on the surface. They do float, and they have very strong roots. And they bloom when it's time. "No mud, no lotus."
Are you familiar with the book "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rainier Maria Rilke? Written in the early 1900's, Rilke encourages the young poet to look inward, to trust his own guidance, and to love the questions. In the most beautiful and eloquent prose... you might enjoy it, Dalloway.
I send affection and the knowledge that you are not alone.
#2
Symptoms - Other / Re: Schrodingers jealousy
Last post by Bach - Today at 08:20:20 PM"Schroedingers jealousy", what a perfect metaphor. I can't think of a specific instance right away, but thinking about it I am swamped with a sense of YES, THAT, it happened to me all the time! Like how as a child I believed that it was the ultimate birthday celebration to go to a fancy restaurant and a Broadway play.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Dalloway - Today at 08:06:09 PMI´m thinking about the heartbreakingly beautiful Beatles song, The long and winding road and I picture myself walking on that road, but then I remember that it´s not even my road that I paved with my decisions and acts. It was made for me by unfortunate forces that forced me to walk that road. I didn´t get to say if I wanted that. Nor did I get to grow up to be a person I could be. Instead, I grew up to be an entity, not even a person, because a person, in my opinion, has its own traits.
It´s a recovery journal, but I don´t think I am recovering. Maybe I shouldn´t write in this section, it feels hypocritical of me to think about this as a part of my healing journey. Which journey? That I´ve been doing so far from the perspective of someone who was constructed to be me? Because the person I had a potential to be is sure not the one that is suffering through her days, trying to make sense of things that simply don´t make any sense.
Building something in top of sand is very hard work. And not just that, it´s absolutely meaningless. You can try million times and return to the very same spot you started from. You walk the road that´s been paved for many decades. The long, winding road. Only it´s not YOUR road, it´s someone else´s. But changing the whole paradigm of your existence is not easy, especially if you don´t have any new paradigms that would do. You don´t want to start building a sandcastle again.
So I´m just waiting and waiting. Trying to find meaning in this chaos and trying to wish for the things to finally settle, because at this moment they are just floating on the surface of my consciousness like waterlilies. And I´m not able to do anything more than watching it hypnotized and numb. The world is deconstructed and I can´t decide whether it´s something new or if it was just like this before, only my eyes were closed. I will have to wait patiently to find out.
It´s a recovery journal, but I don´t think I am recovering. Maybe I shouldn´t write in this section, it feels hypocritical of me to think about this as a part of my healing journey. Which journey? That I´ve been doing so far from the perspective of someone who was constructed to be me? Because the person I had a potential to be is sure not the one that is suffering through her days, trying to make sense of things that simply don´t make any sense.
Building something in top of sand is very hard work. And not just that, it´s absolutely meaningless. You can try million times and return to the very same spot you started from. You walk the road that´s been paved for many decades. The long, winding road. Only it´s not YOUR road, it´s someone else´s. But changing the whole paradigm of your existence is not easy, especially if you don´t have any new paradigms that would do. You don´t want to start building a sandcastle again.
So I´m just waiting and waiting. Trying to find meaning in this chaos and trying to wish for the things to finally settle, because at this moment they are just floating on the surface of my consciousness like waterlilies. And I´m not able to do anything more than watching it hypnotized and numb. The world is deconstructed and I can´t decide whether it´s something new or if it was just like this before, only my eyes were closed. I will have to wait patiently to find out.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 07:41:50 PMThat sounds very encouraging, DF, and I hope the appointment goes well.
to NK, Donald Winnicott's "good-enough parent" and Peter Walker's "good-enough therapist" (paraphrasing latter: healing does not require a perfect therapist, what matters is basic reliability, emotional attunement, and non-abandonment).
Quote from: NarcKiddo on Today at 03:58:59 PM... perfect help might be hard to come by, but good enough help could be achievable.
to NK, Donald Winnicott's "good-enough parent" and Peter Walker's "good-enough therapist" (paraphrasing latter: healing does not require a perfect therapist, what matters is basic reliability, emotional attunement, and non-abandonment). #7
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 07:19:13 PM 💛 💛 💛 💛 💛
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 07:11:19 PMYes, what the rest said Chart! Beautiful indeed.
#9
Symptoms - Other / Re: Schrodingers jealousy
Last post by Marcine - Today at 06:49:20 PMHi NK,
I sense your courage in seeing and naming things clearly for yourself.
I particularly noticed your words: "I am getting better at fire fighting - noticing the spark of fear and putting it out before a full blown EF. What I am not so skilled at is knowing what I actually want to pursue."
Stopping a fire from engulfing everything is a critical skill. And it is different from designing and constructing beautiful, livable architecture.
Noticing fear and staying with oneself to avoid a full blown EF is incredible! And it is not the same thing as creating a path towards dreams and feeling free.
It used to be utterly foreign for me to know what I genuinely felt. I began to thaw by asking myself to write down three of my feelings at a given moment. I kept a notebook just for that. Usually there were conflicting feelings that showed up. And it was ok because I felt more connected to myself.
Doing that exercise regularly and patiently gave me insights. I have heard it called "building emotional literacy." I still practice it daily.
I feel certain NK that you are on the path to meeting all of yourself.
I sense your courage in seeing and naming things clearly for yourself.
I particularly noticed your words: "I am getting better at fire fighting - noticing the spark of fear and putting it out before a full blown EF. What I am not so skilled at is knowing what I actually want to pursue."
Stopping a fire from engulfing everything is a critical skill. And it is different from designing and constructing beautiful, livable architecture.
Noticing fear and staying with oneself to avoid a full blown EF is incredible! And it is not the same thing as creating a path towards dreams and feeling free.
It used to be utterly foreign for me to know what I genuinely felt. I began to thaw by asking myself to write down three of my feelings at a given moment. I kept a notebook just for that. Usually there were conflicting feelings that showed up. And it was ok because I felt more connected to myself.
Doing that exercise regularly and patiently gave me insights. I have heard it called "building emotional literacy." I still practice it daily.
I feel certain NK that you are on the path to meeting all of yourself.
#10
Symptoms - Other / Re: Schrodingers jealousy
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 05:41:24 PMThe incident in your childhood re your GM taking your S on holiday. Did you even feel you could say to your M that you did not feel jealous or was it a "done deal" so to speak? If sounds to me like she shut you down a lot and how hard, unfair and abusive is that? My M used to talk over top of me as though I wasn't there and it made me feel so angry, invisible and as though I did not count. I never said anything as I was scared of her reaction until one day as an adult I did and it certainly set her back on her heels. She mostly stopped talking over top of me and if/when she did I would always say something to the effect of "Excuse me, I'm not finished what I was saying" and eventually she stopped trying to making me invisible.
In my case it was all about finally and clearly being able to identify what she was doing in real time, why, and then having the agency to do something about it. Prior to that I would get confused and would shut down any anger, knowing something was happening that was not good but not quite knowing what it was or why I felt so emotional and that if I said anything life would get harder. Part of relieving this meant spending much less time around her and my FOO and the whirlwind of drama and chaos that makes it hard to think/feel. Ongoing exposure to her N drama meant I had to constantly be on guard so I didn't have the bandwidth to sort things out. Once I had more space I felt like I could breath and think and feel.
Maybe some of what you feel is based around exposure to her (and your FOO) which leaves little bandwidth to feel your feelings? Being around N's is as I've said exhausting and confusing and IMO they mean it to be this way. That's how they better control us or at least leave us so muddled we can't think/feel straight.
You have every right to be you no matter what she says or does but perhaps like I had to do you need to create a boundary/some space to be able to do that? Just my thoughts of course, you know you best and what is relevant.
In my case it was all about finally and clearly being able to identify what she was doing in real time, why, and then having the agency to do something about it. Prior to that I would get confused and would shut down any anger, knowing something was happening that was not good but not quite knowing what it was or why I felt so emotional and that if I said anything life would get harder. Part of relieving this meant spending much less time around her and my FOO and the whirlwind of drama and chaos that makes it hard to think/feel. Ongoing exposure to her N drama meant I had to constantly be on guard so I didn't have the bandwidth to sort things out. Once I had more space I felt like I could breath and think and feel.
Maybe some of what you feel is based around exposure to her (and your FOO) which leaves little bandwidth to feel your feelings? Being around N's is as I've said exhausting and confusing and IMO they mean it to be this way. That's how they better control us or at least leave us so muddled we can't think/feel straight.
You have every right to be you no matter what she says or does but perhaps like I had to do you need to create a boundary/some space to be able to do that? Just my thoughts of course, you know you best and what is relevant.