Recent posts
#1
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hello
Last post by Ran - November 16, 2025, 11:15:24 PMHello!
My name is Ran and I am 34 years old, from Estonia and I have a very long story of everything that has happened what has only now in the recent years started affecting me so much more. I'm a bit scared to post, because I fear that I missed something in rules or that people find my story not belonging in this forum as somehow it's unrelated to the cptsd and tell me to go find a therapist, what I will. I have psychiatrist appointment coming up as I want to get official diagnosis, because it very much disturbes my everyday life to the point where I am mean to people, when I don't want to. I'm impulsive and experience cptsd related symptoms. I'm mostly here to learn and maybe get support as I feel incredibly isolated and all alone. Last time someone told me to go journal my thoughts down, when I was just looking for someone that could understand. I was in a very bad crisis, but I'm currently a lot more calmer. I will tell my full story soon as I get the chance. Nice to meet you all.
My name is Ran and I am 34 years old, from Estonia and I have a very long story of everything that has happened what has only now in the recent years started affecting me so much more. I'm a bit scared to post, because I fear that I missed something in rules or that people find my story not belonging in this forum as somehow it's unrelated to the cptsd and tell me to go find a therapist, what I will. I have psychiatrist appointment coming up as I want to get official diagnosis, because it very much disturbes my everyday life to the point where I am mean to people, when I don't want to. I'm impulsive and experience cptsd related symptoms. I'm mostly here to learn and maybe get support as I feel incredibly isolated and all alone. Last time someone told me to go journal my thoughts down, when I was just looking for someone that could understand. I was in a very bad crisis, but I'm currently a lot more calmer. I will tell my full story soon as I get the chance. Nice to meet you all.
#2
General Discussion / It's so physical
Last post by EB - November 16, 2025, 10:44:34 PMHi All
I'm not entirely clear on the trigger warning protocol. There might be some triggers in this about fear of process.
Wondering if anyone can relate:
My physical body reacts to my trauma in a very way.
As an example, the other day I was going deeper into a memory (which i considered kinda minor in relation to other experiences I've had-some kind of lesson there) and I broke out in some hives-one spot where my arm had been held. And i got a pounding headache that thank-fully went away in an hour or so.
The stuff that goes on mentally and emotionally is a lot as well. But the body stuff sometimes borders on frightening. I'm lucky to be working with a therapist who is, imo, "body-centered" He has taught me the emdr flash technique, has me breath and stretch. So that's helpful. Plus I am a long time massage therapist so I'm aware of many helpful techniques.
But here's the concern. I had a previous therapist for a year or so who was almost only "talk-centered" and left me to deal with all fall-out on my own. He was my first therapist after working on my stuff solo for decades. I am 63yo woman.
When I started to get into more intense emoting, crying and wailing basically, the therapist dropped me because he said he was worried I'd have a heart attack or nervous break-down and should work with someone else. Ha! He was certainly correct that i needed to work with someone else.
But his worries stuck with me. I do have some managed heart issues (angina) and he knew I has an experience when I felt like i was losing my mind (terrifying).
So now when i have an anxiety attack (my panic attacks are mostly under control) or have strong feelings I'm frightened that I'll have a heart attack or lose my mind.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has strong physical reactions and how they might deal.
I'm not entirely clear on the trigger warning protocol. There might be some triggers in this about fear of process.
Wondering if anyone can relate:
My physical body reacts to my trauma in a very way.
As an example, the other day I was going deeper into a memory (which i considered kinda minor in relation to other experiences I've had-some kind of lesson there) and I broke out in some hives-one spot where my arm had been held. And i got a pounding headache that thank-fully went away in an hour or so.
The stuff that goes on mentally and emotionally is a lot as well. But the body stuff sometimes borders on frightening. I'm lucky to be working with a therapist who is, imo, "body-centered" He has taught me the emdr flash technique, has me breath and stretch. So that's helpful. Plus I am a long time massage therapist so I'm aware of many helpful techniques.
But here's the concern. I had a previous therapist for a year or so who was almost only "talk-centered" and left me to deal with all fall-out on my own. He was my first therapist after working on my stuff solo for decades. I am 63yo woman.
When I started to get into more intense emoting, crying and wailing basically, the therapist dropped me because he said he was worried I'd have a heart attack or nervous break-down and should work with someone else. Ha! He was certainly correct that i needed to work with someone else.
But his worries stuck with me. I do have some managed heart issues (angina) and he knew I has an experience when I felt like i was losing my mind (terrifying).
So now when i have an anxiety attack (my panic attacks are mostly under control) or have strong feelings I'm frightened that I'll have a heart attack or lose my mind.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has strong physical reactions and how they might deal.
#3
Physical Issues / Re: Skin problems in stressful...
Last post by Erec - November 16, 2025, 08:56:26 PMIn fact, I'm not even sure whether rapid-onset dermatitis and psoriasis are two aspects of the same problem, or whether they're two separate issues. The former happens to me more frequently, the latter is more related to lithium intake. I know there are UV treatments, but in my case, dermatologists have always prescribed corticosteroid creams. (By the way, I've been taking lithium again for a few weeks now; I hope it doesn't reactivate my psoriasis.) The correlation between inflammation and mental health problems has been the subject of much research for a few years now, but I don't recall any studies on dermatological issues.
#4
Physical Abuse / Re: Spanking is Abuse Part 2
Last post by Saluki - November 16, 2025, 06:31:15 PMI've not read everything in this thread by any means but I wanted to add to it.
I was very frightened of my mother as a child and still am.
My memories of spanking involved my mother commanding my dad to pull down my pants and smack me on the bum. Sometimes she commanded him to use the belt. He never did this independently of my mother commanding him to do it.
My mother took me into the attic and whipped me with a horse whip. My dad wasn't aware of this.
The paedophile who paedoed me from age 5 to 15 started his abuse by asking me "Does your dad pull your pants down and spank you?"
I nodded yes. I wish I hadn't.
Every single week he'd pull down my pants, put me over his disgusting old man knee and spank me and grope my private parts and more. I fing hate him.
He told me that if I didn't do what he said he'll tell my dad so my dad would spank me too because I'd been a naughty little girl.
If my dad hadn't spanked me, I would have said no wouldn't I? He'd probably have just found a different way to abuse me.
But I know abusers test kids to see if their families will go to the police. He groomed my dad and my mother too.
Disgusting paedo.
My mother later told me my dad was abusive because he smacked my bottom, with zero concept that I remembered that she was commanding my dad to do so. I was never scared of my dad and I have zero memory of him ever hurting me, but when she whipped me it hurt so badly.
I was absolutely terrified of her.
When I went to the police about the paedo my dad supported me and my mother was defensive and weird.
My mother blamed me for being paedoed and raped and called me a prostitute and a little slag same as the paedo did.
I think I actually hate my mother.
I was very frightened of my mother as a child and still am.
My memories of spanking involved my mother commanding my dad to pull down my pants and smack me on the bum. Sometimes she commanded him to use the belt. He never did this independently of my mother commanding him to do it.
My mother took me into the attic and whipped me with a horse whip. My dad wasn't aware of this.
The paedophile who paedoed me from age 5 to 15 started his abuse by asking me "Does your dad pull your pants down and spank you?"
I nodded yes. I wish I hadn't.
Every single week he'd pull down my pants, put me over his disgusting old man knee and spank me and grope my private parts and more. I fing hate him.
He told me that if I didn't do what he said he'll tell my dad so my dad would spank me too because I'd been a naughty little girl.
If my dad hadn't spanked me, I would have said no wouldn't I? He'd probably have just found a different way to abuse me.
But I know abusers test kids to see if their families will go to the police. He groomed my dad and my mother too.
Disgusting paedo.
My mother later told me my dad was abusive because he smacked my bottom, with zero concept that I remembered that she was commanding my dad to do so. I was never scared of my dad and I have zero memory of him ever hurting me, but when she whipped me it hurt so badly.
I was absolutely terrified of her.
When I went to the police about the paedo my dad supported me and my mother was defensive and weird.
My mother blamed me for being paedoed and raped and called me a prostitute and a little slag same as the paedo did.
I think I actually hate my mother.
#5
Physical Issues / Re: Skin problems in stressful...
Last post by Kizzie - November 16, 2025, 05:27:44 PMHey Erec, I suffer from psoriasis although mine doesn't seem to be as reactive as yours. My GP sent me to a dermatology clinic for UV treatments (light therapy). I was going 3 times/week and now I'm down to 1/week which tells you how effective it is. I also have a prescription spray for if I'm away and or sick and can't get to light therapy for a bit.
Here in Canada the treatments are covered except for a co-pay of $20/month which makes it very affordable. All you do is stand in a both for 1 few minutes and you're done. (NK, my clinic has a UV light machine that is just for hands so there may be something like that where you live)
Anyway, just a thought but perhaps if you try light therapy the inflammatory response will calm over time like mine did.
Here in Canada the treatments are covered except for a co-pay of $20/month which makes it very affordable. All you do is stand in a both for 1 few minutes and you're done. (NK, my clinic has a UV light machine that is just for hands so there may be something like that where you live)
Anyway, just a thought but perhaps if you try light therapy the inflammatory response will calm over time like mine did.
#6
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: (Warning: PA, SA , EA talk...
Last post by Kizzie - November 16, 2025, 05:16:18 PMHey trying, are there protocols in place in the group home for situations like you've described? Can you ask for a meeting with staff to explain the problem? I wonder too if there's a possibility of a staff facilitated meeting with the person that's scaring you to discuss how you feel they've been behaving in your eyes and why? It seems to me like it should be a must that staff help group members with appropriate behaviour.
Totally understandable why this has been so anxiety and fear provoking for you given your trauma history
Totally understandable why this has been so anxiety and fear provoking for you given your trauma history
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: new here - still in the st...
Last post by Kizzie - November 16, 2025, 05:06:59 PMHey Beauty, just had the thought as I re-read your post that it's possible your friend has a trauma background herself. If that's the case it may be the reason she did not respond appropriately to you reaching out. I know you emailed and said you were sorry and then crickets, but maybe an email to her explaining that you have CPTSD, relationships are really hard for you, and you've been struggling with all of that for a long while might be an olive branch she can understand? If still no reply then I think maybe she's not the healthiest person to be seeking a relationship with as you touched on in your post.
Another thought I had was good on you for trying at least.
While I know what happened has set you back maybe if you can mull over the thought that it was just a one off reaction rather than representative of everyone, you can look for and find a friend or friends who are healthy and stable?
Just my thoughts of course.
Another thought I had was good on you for trying at least.
While I know what happened has set you back maybe if you can mull over the thought that it was just a one off reaction rather than representative of everyone, you can look for and find a friend or friends who are healthy and stable?Just my thoughts of course.
#8
SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: Amazing Roommate but I am ...
Last post by Lina24 - November 16, 2025, 03:51:19 PMHi,
I think I know what you mean. I left home at 18 to escape, met someone and ended up living with him and his parents. His mother was one of the kindest, loveliest and caring people I have ever met. She I.mediately accepted me and treated me like a daughter. I panicked and felt trapped and suffocated. I had not known motherly love like this before and it was such an alien feeling. I didn't know anything about cptsd or know I was being triggered at the time.
In the end, I had to say something. She understood and agreed to tone it back a bit. She wasn't offended or upset at all. I was still triggered by her, but I came to know it wasn't an attack, it was just unfamiliarity with what care felt like.
I understand how you feel walking on eggshells in someone else's home, especially when you live with fear triggers. I never felt comfortable and always assumed I was in the way or a burden to other people. Looking back, I think what everyone has already said is right. There are kind people and, usually, they are happy to help you if they can. I don't like people to tip toe around me but if I know they understand my reactions, I often feel less frightened of a situation.
I think I know what you mean. I left home at 18 to escape, met someone and ended up living with him and his parents. His mother was one of the kindest, loveliest and caring people I have ever met. She I.mediately accepted me and treated me like a daughter. I panicked and felt trapped and suffocated. I had not known motherly love like this before and it was such an alien feeling. I didn't know anything about cptsd or know I was being triggered at the time.
In the end, I had to say something. She understood and agreed to tone it back a bit. She wasn't offended or upset at all. I was still triggered by her, but I came to know it wasn't an attack, it was just unfamiliarity with what care felt like.
I understand how you feel walking on eggshells in someone else's home, especially when you live with fear triggers. I never felt comfortable and always assumed I was in the way or a burden to other people. Looking back, I think what everyone has already said is right. There are kind people and, usually, they are happy to help you if they can. I don't like people to tip toe around me but if I know they understand my reactions, I often feel less frightened of a situation.
#9
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: (Warning: PA, SA , EA talk...
Last post by Chart - November 16, 2025, 12:40:36 PM
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Chart - November 16, 2025, 12:25:28 PMBach, I'm just re-watching the video I linked above. I just want to say that it's FULL of information, and often he doesn't go into details or general info about certain subjects he's discussing. I first saw this video about eight months ago (sortof guessing the time-frame) and I'm realizing that with this second viewing of the video, AND the direct experience I've gained over the past couple years doing vagus-nerve work and seeking to stimulate my parasympathetic nervous system, I'm only now truly understanding what is being discussed and talked about. I also have irritated bowel syndrome, an inguinal hernia, and right-arm tendon-muscle pain. I've had all these things for decades (excepting the hernia, which I got the same month I discovered Cptsd 
, and am only now fully understanding how all these things are inter-related and how the vagus nerve is effected and effecting... Hope that makes sense. I guess what I'm saying is that this is a big complex thing and it's taken me time to "figure" it all out... or some of it out... I'm still learning. But, for the past two years this has been the most impactful treatment of my Cptsd that I've found. For me at least, in terms of energy and time put in, I am getting the best results from just consistent daily stimulation of my para-sympathetic nervous system. I'm definitely better today than two years ago. It's long, but it works. I plan on sticking with it.
, and am only now fully understanding how all these things are inter-related and how the vagus nerve is effected and effecting... Hope that makes sense. I guess what I'm saying is that this is a big complex thing and it's taken me time to "figure" it all out... or some of it out... I'm still learning. But, for the past two years this has been the most impactful treatment of my Cptsd that I've found. For me at least, in terms of energy and time put in, I am getting the best results from just consistent daily stimulation of my para-sympathetic nervous system. I'm definitely better today than two years ago. It's long, but it works. I plan on sticking with it.