Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 03:24:35 PM
Here's hoping you get some good 
#2
SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: Amazing Roommate but I am ...
Last post by Kizzie - October 01, 2025, 07:25:38 PMI have to agree with NK, if she is a kind and loving person you might want to share a bit with her and why sometimes what she says/does might send your CPTSD surging to the surface (which we get here, it sometimes does not take much to really trigger, especially if we're afraid we're going to lose a good thing).
I think I would understand if I were her that you did not grow up in a safe home and react to even a hint of negativity. It might even be a good chance for you to experience trusting a healthy person with a bit of what you feel inside and see how they react.
I think I would understand if I were her that you did not grow up in a safe home and react to even a hint of negativity. It might even be a good chance for you to experience trusting a healthy person with a bit of what you feel inside and see how they react.
#3
General Discussion / Re: EMDR?
Last post by SenseOrgan - October 01, 2025, 04:55:08 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on October 01, 2025, 01:35:16 PMclient/therapist relationship is paramount for any psychological progress to be made
My limited experience with EMDR hasn't brought me much, to be honest. I didn't target C-PTSD in general, but misophonia (which I believe is a manifestation of that in my case). Even though my therapist was very kind and understanding, this modality in this context triggered a lot of performance anxiety. Constantly having to evaluate my inner state and rating it on a scale from 1 to 10 while having to follow the light going from left to right made me quite (socially) anxious. The fact that T was literally watching me was a massive trigger for me too. I'm not bashing EMDR though. I was quite surprised that, even in this context, it brought up tears a couple of times. I do believe there is a there there, and it's worth to explore if you have the opportunity and feel inclined to do so.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - October 01, 2025, 01:37:38 PMnot getting restful sleep sucks. not getting enough also sucks. i sure hope i'll be able to get more meds - my stash is running low, but my dr. appt. isn't till next month yet. ugh!!!
just wanted to complain.
just wanted to complain.
#5
General Discussion / Re: EMDR?
Last post by sanmagic7 - October 01, 2025, 01:35:16 PMhey, saluki,
i'm an EMDR therapist, and have utilized EMDR in my own therapy. honestly, it is/can be a wondrous technique when used correctly, and the client's diagnosis is known and understood. altho it was originally developed for ptsd, and has had some seemingly 'miraculous' results, some therapists have been slow, as in so many of the helping/medical professions, to understand the difference between the two diagnoses.
more and more, however, are getting onto the c-ptsd bandwagon, understanding the differences, the underlying causes, and how it can present itself in so many different ways - like dissociation, the 4 F's, the emotional components, the triggers, body/brain responses, etc., and how they are relationally connected. and that's a good thing to look for in a therapist. if they don't know/understand it all, at least they need to be willing to do some research in order to learn, talk it over w/ their client, and reassure the client that they, themselves, can not do therapy wrong, that EMDR doesn't work the same for everyone, and that w/ their client, they will look for the ways and means to best help, or will admit it's beyond them, and recommend them to someone else.
so, in my mind, client/therapist relationship is paramount for any psychological progress to be made. as far as the actual technique, EMDR can help a client in ways talk therapy just can't reach, because it helps stimulate our brain/mind to undo memories, actions, situations, etc. which have been stuck inside us in harmful ways. it can help us stop reliving our horrors. it can make those pictures we have stored inside dissolve down to a miniscule rendering so that it does not bother us, and sometimes can't even be pictured anymore. in that sense, it can seem miraculous.
there are also iterations of EMDR, such as the Flash Technique, which can be helpful. i've used this extensively in my own therapy as a way to keep from getting overwhelmed by emotional tsunamis, so to speak. it worked wonders for me - i was able to make more progress on trauma issues in 5 yrs. than i had with various other types of therapy in over 30 yrs. there are other forum members who have had varying degrees of success w/ EMDR, and i hope you hear from some of them. i am presently looking for a new therapist (i moved to another state), and i'm hoping to find someone who is trained in EMDR - it is my first choice.
best to you with this. i hope what i wrote is helpful. any questions, feel free. love and hugs
i'm an EMDR therapist, and have utilized EMDR in my own therapy. honestly, it is/can be a wondrous technique when used correctly, and the client's diagnosis is known and understood. altho it was originally developed for ptsd, and has had some seemingly 'miraculous' results, some therapists have been slow, as in so many of the helping/medical professions, to understand the difference between the two diagnoses.
more and more, however, are getting onto the c-ptsd bandwagon, understanding the differences, the underlying causes, and how it can present itself in so many different ways - like dissociation, the 4 F's, the emotional components, the triggers, body/brain responses, etc., and how they are relationally connected. and that's a good thing to look for in a therapist. if they don't know/understand it all, at least they need to be willing to do some research in order to learn, talk it over w/ their client, and reassure the client that they, themselves, can not do therapy wrong, that EMDR doesn't work the same for everyone, and that w/ their client, they will look for the ways and means to best help, or will admit it's beyond them, and recommend them to someone else.
so, in my mind, client/therapist relationship is paramount for any psychological progress to be made. as far as the actual technique, EMDR can help a client in ways talk therapy just can't reach, because it helps stimulate our brain/mind to undo memories, actions, situations, etc. which have been stuck inside us in harmful ways. it can help us stop reliving our horrors. it can make those pictures we have stored inside dissolve down to a miniscule rendering so that it does not bother us, and sometimes can't even be pictured anymore. in that sense, it can seem miraculous.
there are also iterations of EMDR, such as the Flash Technique, which can be helpful. i've used this extensively in my own therapy as a way to keep from getting overwhelmed by emotional tsunamis, so to speak. it worked wonders for me - i was able to make more progress on trauma issues in 5 yrs. than i had with various other types of therapy in over 30 yrs. there are other forum members who have had varying degrees of success w/ EMDR, and i hope you hear from some of them. i am presently looking for a new therapist (i moved to another state), and i'm hoping to find someone who is trained in EMDR - it is my first choice.
best to you with this. i hope what i wrote is helpful. any questions, feel free. love and hugs
#6
General Discussion / EMDR?
Last post by Saluki - October 01, 2025, 12:23:47 PMI just read the description for a book on EMDR and it sold EMDR like a miracle cure that can be achieved in 5 hours.
That sounds like maybe for PTSD not CPTSD.
Any thoughts or experiences?
That sounds like maybe for PTSD not CPTSD.
Any thoughts or experiences?
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: strawberrycat's journal
Last post by NarcKiddo - October 01, 2025, 11:42:45 AMHello, strawberrycat. Good to see you.
I'm going to straight out admit that I have not read the whole of your two posts. I am glad you were able to release some of the stuff you have had bottled up. I did not read the whole of what you wrote because I am rather short of time today and have an appointment coming up, so I skimmed for the gist of it. I did read part 1 in more detail.
I think your idea of volunteering is a good one. My main immediate reaction to what I read about career choices and suchlike, though, is that it's kind of impossible. I know we're all "supposed" to make a plan. But nobody knows what any of these fields are like until they have some experience of them. For sure some people know what subjects they liked and were good at during school or college and narrow down their interests that way. Well, that's all well and good, but even then the actual career may not be all they expected. I struggled with what I wanted to do but I have ended up in a career that my FOO approve of. I don't much enjoy it. It's OK but I have not progressed as far as I could because my heart is simply not in it. It's good enough. So whatever. But mainly I think people fall into jobs and then either they like them and progress, or they don't. I mean, kids might dream of driving a fire engine, but what kid dreams of being an insurance clerk? Yet I know lots of people in insurance though my husband, and by and large they love it!
I guess my thoughts on yours are that maybe the way forward is simply to take whatever job opportunities present themselves, whether or not they sound exciting or have much in the way of prospects, and see how it works out.
I am really happy to read that you are no longer in a headspace where you are thinking you might end it all. It's understandable that you may not have taken steps towards your future that others may have done, and there is no shame in not having taken those steps.
I'm going to straight out admit that I have not read the whole of your two posts. I am glad you were able to release some of the stuff you have had bottled up. I did not read the whole of what you wrote because I am rather short of time today and have an appointment coming up, so I skimmed for the gist of it. I did read part 1 in more detail.
I think your idea of volunteering is a good one. My main immediate reaction to what I read about career choices and suchlike, though, is that it's kind of impossible. I know we're all "supposed" to make a plan. But nobody knows what any of these fields are like until they have some experience of them. For sure some people know what subjects they liked and were good at during school or college and narrow down their interests that way. Well, that's all well and good, but even then the actual career may not be all they expected. I struggled with what I wanted to do but I have ended up in a career that my FOO approve of. I don't much enjoy it. It's OK but I have not progressed as far as I could because my heart is simply not in it. It's good enough. So whatever. But mainly I think people fall into jobs and then either they like them and progress, or they don't. I mean, kids might dream of driving a fire engine, but what kid dreams of being an insurance clerk? Yet I know lots of people in insurance though my husband, and by and large they love it!
I guess my thoughts on yours are that maybe the way forward is simply to take whatever job opportunities present themselves, whether or not they sound exciting or have much in the way of prospects, and see how it works out.
I am really happy to read that you are no longer in a headspace where you are thinking you might end it all. It's understandable that you may not have taken steps towards your future that others may have done, and there is no shame in not having taken those steps.
#8
SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: Amazing Roommate but I am ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - October 01, 2025, 11:26:57 AMDoes your friend know anything about your trauma history? Does her mom? It might be difficult for her mom to know how to react to you walking on eggshells around her if she has no idea at all why that might be happening. I do not say this to try to blame you in any way, but you have said how lucky and grateful you are to have this offer to live with your friend's mom. So it might be beneficial for both of you if you are able to explain some of what you are going through.
While it is not right or fair to trauma dump on people it is perfectly reasonable to let them know that you are working through some difficulties. It's a very vulnerable situation to open up to others about our troubles even a tiny bit, but if she is safe and loving then it might be good to see what it feels like? I can't remember if you have a therapist at the moment but if you do this could be a very good topic to talk through with them.
While it is not right or fair to trauma dump on people it is perfectly reasonable to let them know that you are working through some difficulties. It's a very vulnerable situation to open up to others about our troubles even a tiny bit, but if she is safe and loving then it might be good to see what it feels like? I can't remember if you have a therapist at the moment but if you do this could be a very good topic to talk through with them.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: strawberrycat's journal
Last post by strawberrycat - October 01, 2025, 07:07:37 AMPart 2 of 2
Despite all of that, it'll be two years in December since I've started my diy cptsd recovery journey. I had no idea what I was doing at first since all I had was resources from the internet and my own intuition - no professional guidance from a therapist or support system of any kind, but I still managed to make some progress on my own for a little while at least. I was sort of aware it was going to be a challenging and bumpy road with setbacks, but now I believe my healing has been stagnant for months; almost like my brain has put it on pause to focus most of my energy towards surviving again. I'm not clueless as to why - so far this year has been particularly difficult for me for all these different reasons that might take me a while to get through. Just thinking about how I'll type it all out on here is sort of overwhelming me already lol - but that's not very surprising considering that's just how I've been for the past handful of months, in this chronic state of overwhelm that I can't seem to completely pull myself out of. I've been struggling pretty badly with this persistent and rather unbearable feeling of uncertainty in pretty much every aspect of my life that I can think of. I know it might sound a little dramatic, but it feels like it has plagued my existence for so long and taken over my mind and keeps me in a perpetual survival mode state. Which in turn, puts my brain into problem-solving mode and has me trying to hunt down an answer or solution to every single thing because not knowing what exactly the future holds triggers unsafety in the nervous system, right? But obviously it will never be possible for me to predict or control the future or make everything perfectly safe for the rest of my life. It feels like I've given myself countless pep talks and tried desperately to "learn how to be okay with uncertainty" and to stop resisting the discomfort of it - but it's not actually that easy when there's so much of it and it feels like the outcome of your entire life depends on having answers to a thousand different unknowns and solutions to problems that feel unsolvable. I'd elaborate further on all the specific uncertainties and unknowns I'm referring to, but it's already taking me so long to write this post and I keep procrastinating and not being able to focus; I guess typing out all of the things that are wrong with your life isn't very fun. I'm already very prone to overthinking and ruminating about all my issues because it gives me the illusion of control, but in reality it only makes everything feel worse. I just hate this state that I've been stuck in for ages it seems like.
This year started off decently for me, actually - I had two good days during the first week of January which felt pretty great since feeling good for longer than a few seconds at a time is such a rarity for me. Long story short, those were pretty much the only decent days that I've had this whole year and it's already nearing the end of September so 2025 is looking a little cursed. My feelings of hopefulness, gratitude for life, and a general sense that I would be okay that I had at the beginning of this year were short lived I guess because after that my life just turned into a downward spiral that gradually got worse. I think it might've started with my social isolation worsening as a result of my friend being forced to leave the state and move halfway across the country. This friend was the only person that I could physically leave the house to go visit and hang out with at least once every month or two, so for that reason it was a bit devastating for me even though I don't feel like I ever truly got emotionally close to them. To make matters worse, we got into a bit of a conflict the day before they left that had sent me into an emotional flashback because it felt like my betrayal wound had been hashed open all over again and got salt thrown into it - so all that created this rift between us that's been hard to ignore and it makes me lowkey feel like I've been slowly growing out of the friendship. I do technically have one other friend, but we only message once in a while and haven't seen each other in person since graduation. I didn't connect that deeply with them either, but since I was a loner for most of high school and only started trying to be a little more social in the second semester of my senior year, I don't really know anyone else. I've come to the conclusion that these two people I had hastily befriended on a time crunch can't exactly support me or be there for me in the way that I need them to, so I don't rely on either of them or let myself be super vulnerable about more complicated things with them. The only source of support I kind of have (besides the forum I suppose) is this youtube livestream that I attend once a week on Mondays for people who are trying to heal their cptsd. I like it a lot, but it's only peer support and it's not like I can personally get to know anyone else there - besides pretty much everyone else who attends it is a lot older than me, sort of like on here lol. I know I need professional help, but I can't get a therapist at the moment because that would require me to tell my father or someone else here that I need one and it just doesn't feel like an emotionally safe action for me to take. I know that might sound like a bad excuse, but I've never exactly been open about my mental health with any of my relatives and I've gotten rather good at keeping everything contained inside of myself - so the thought of having to elaborate to any of them on why I "suddenly" need help feels out of the question for me. I would also rather just do all of it on my own terms - pick out the therapist on my own, pay for it myself, and go to the appointments without anyone knowing if possible. I just have no idea when I'll be able to do any of that since there's no saying when I'll have a job or just my own income of some kind. I have had a therapist before when I was 13 that my M made me go to, but it didn't exactly work out; and then when I was 14 I was also also briefly forced to start talking to a different one online that I had a bad experience with - so I already have some trust issues surrounding mental health professionals that will probably complicate things for me, unfortunately.
Yeah this post is getting impossibly long and I might split it into two parts so that it looks less like an essay - and I don't know if anyone will even read all of this, but believe it or not I still have more to write haha.. Anyways, I came to the realization a while ago that social isolation is definitely not good for me and exacerbates every other problem on my seemingly never ending list of them. At first I didn't mind spending so much time alone in my room after I was done with school for good and I liked all the free time I had for those first few months. However, a few months has now turned into over a year and my room has gone from being a sanctuary to feeling like a prison cell. It might sound like I'm exaggerating, but it's true - when you're in the same place for so long you begin to dread it. I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to on a regular basis (a lot of the time the only other person I see is my father in the evening), and nothing to do besides my usual routines. I go outside every day in the evening for a walk to get some exercise and during the cooler months (or just when it's not too hot outside) I like to try and get out in the first half of the day as well to take a short walk around my neighborhood and sit at the dog park - which is pretty nice and the only form of nature that I really have access to; and while all of that is good and gets me out of the house, it doesn't exactly solve my social isolation issue. I don't talk to anyone when I go out for my walk and I can't even stand to make eye contact with anyone I pass by on the sidewalk. Once in a while, usually if I go out to the dog park earlier in the day, one of the neighbors might try to interact with me a little - which never fails to be super awkward lol, and then they'll typically get the memo that I don't want to socialize. Which isn't 100% true, but I can't say I feel super incentivized to try and befriend any of these people with whom I have (probably) nothing in common with, can't really relate to, and just aren't in my age group. Another obstacle I have in the way is my inability to easily get around the city I live in on my own; It's very car dependent and not walkable whatsoever - and I just so happen to have a phobia of driving and refuse to learn how to do it. So this makes transportation a major challenge for me; and while there is public transportation here it's apparently unreliable and just not very good. Which leaves my only other options to be ridesharing (not financially realistic), trying to walk everywhere (wouldn't really be possible), or obtaining either a bicycle or e-scooter and learning how to ride it. I never learned how to ride a bike when I was younger because I have bad balance I guess, so the idea of trying to teach myself how to so I can use it to get around has been lingering in my mind for some time now - with an e-scooter being another option, although I don't know I'd get one. The only idea I've had for getting myself out of this isolation I'm in that might have a chance of working out is trying to volunteer somewhere. I'm just not sure where exactly or if I'd even be accepted anywhere or how I would get there or any of that - but I figure that it's hopefully easier than getting a job, will let me be around other people more often, and that I could use it as a form of "experience" or something to put on a resume since there's nothing else I could put on one. I don't know if any of that will even work out, but I know I still need to try if it seems like the only thing I might be able to do that will let me find a way out of this lonely state.
I don't mean to come off as being super self-pitying or like a helpless victim with all of this, but I can't help but feel this persistent sense of powerlessness over my circumstances. I've felt this lack of control over my own life for a long time and it drives me mad. I'm constantly getting thrown into negative thought loops, catastrophizing, eternity thinking, and other cognitive distortions that are getting harder to pull myself out of. The way I think makes it all worse as well - I'm pretty much always over intellectualizing everything, my inner monologue is very overwhelming and never shuts up, and it's just like my brain has been on overdrive for the longest time. I have been practicing meditation on a regular basis ever since I started trying to get better, and while I like doing it and have been consistent with it, it hasn't exactly been a magic fix for my anxiety or deeply ingrained thinking patterns. On and off I've been trying to make an effort to practice mindfulness more intentionally throughout the day to train myself to stop living in my head so much and be in my body and surroundings more, but it's apparent that none of that is going to be easy for me and that it will probably take years for me to become more present in that way. The way my life is right now also just seems to be a breeding ground for all this anxiety, worrying, uncertainty, and just a bunch of negative feelings and thoughts in general, so I don't want to put too much blame on myself for "not trying hard enough". Although I've also been stuck in this state of inaction and idleness where I'm not doing much of anything at all - not moving forward towards anything specific, not making momentum in anything, and just being unable to create any new goals for myself. I believe it's likely due to me being in a prolonged freeze state that I can only come out of for short periods of time; everything has just been way too overwhelming for awhile and I just can't seem to stay regulated for long enough.
I really need to wrap up this tangent and not let things drag on for a millenia with this post lol, but there's just all these things that have me feeling like I've got a bucket stuck on my head and I'm just wandering around aimlessly and alone. It's like my whole life has just turned into a series of dilemma's, catch-22's, and cycles of the same feelings and mental states. I don't know what to call any of this besides a "rough period of my life" because I don't think it'd be a prolonged emotional flashback if it's all about my present day circumstances and problems? I've been trying to practice accepting all these feelings instead of resisting them or trying to solve/change them, like I'm prone to doing automatically. I suppose it helps to not immediately shame or judge my emotions, but not to make them go away completely or fix the things that make them keep coming back. In reality, there is no easy fix for any of the nonsense that's been weighing on my mind, eating away at me, and just making it hard for me to keep going. I'm trying the best I can to keep my head above water and hold on to this fraying thread, but my capacity has definitely reached a low point. Maybe that's why I felt the need to dump my brain out and take almost two weeks to type all of this out, and this isn't even everything I wanted to say but a part of me is starting to regret writing all of this lol - but it's too late to back down now. I usually try not to compare myself to others but lately I can't help but wish I was someone else or that I just had a different life. Even though I know things could be a lot worse in pretty much every way and that they have been worse than they are right now. There's just this discontentment with the way my life is going that has started to gnaw at the center of my being; this knowing that things shouldn't be like this right now. I'm not entirely sure what exactly I want my life to look like instead (and so many things just don't feel achievable for me) but I just know that it can't stay like this for too much longer. I feel like the worst thing about all of this though, is that I don't know how long this will all last - my messy psychological state, the unideal circumstances I feel trapped in, ect. I know that technically everything changes eventually, everything is temporary, and that nothing lasts forever - but the more time that passes, the worse I feel and the more depressed and anxious I get.
I could keep going and talk more about other things or elaborate on certain points or add more details, but what I have so far already feels too excessive and it's hard for me to imagine someone sitting down and just casually reading it all the way through lol - so this will be the last paragraph. I think it's important to mention that I am not experiencing any suicidal thoughts right now and that no one is obligated to reply with any of the crisis hotlines. I believe that no matter how bad it gets I still have things to live for - if not for myself, at the very least. I try to seek out every micromoment of goodness that I can and hold on to every small joy that I have like my life depends on it, because maybe it kind of does in a way. I've still been trying to take care of myself in the ways that I feel able to, even if it all kind of just feels like autopilot at this point. I've been having a hard time coping though - just a lot of dissociating in various ways, but that's not very surprising to me. I haven't given up completely on my personal healing journey though and I still try the best I can to practice self compassion/self gentleness/self soothing/self validation because I know those things are important when I'm struggling so badly with so much and I want to make sure that I'm on my own side. I'm also always reminding myself to try and focus on what is in my control versus what isn't - but it can be a bit difficult to distinguish between the two, especially if my whole mind is persistently a whirlpool like how it has been. Anyways I applaud you if you actually read everything I wrote, I know it was like waayy too much haha. I'm not exactly seeking advice for anything I went over in this btw - I just felt like I had a lot bottled up and needed to release some of it.
Despite all of that, it'll be two years in December since I've started my diy cptsd recovery journey. I had no idea what I was doing at first since all I had was resources from the internet and my own intuition - no professional guidance from a therapist or support system of any kind, but I still managed to make some progress on my own for a little while at least. I was sort of aware it was going to be a challenging and bumpy road with setbacks, but now I believe my healing has been stagnant for months; almost like my brain has put it on pause to focus most of my energy towards surviving again. I'm not clueless as to why - so far this year has been particularly difficult for me for all these different reasons that might take me a while to get through. Just thinking about how I'll type it all out on here is sort of overwhelming me already lol - but that's not very surprising considering that's just how I've been for the past handful of months, in this chronic state of overwhelm that I can't seem to completely pull myself out of. I've been struggling pretty badly with this persistent and rather unbearable feeling of uncertainty in pretty much every aspect of my life that I can think of. I know it might sound a little dramatic, but it feels like it has plagued my existence for so long and taken over my mind and keeps me in a perpetual survival mode state. Which in turn, puts my brain into problem-solving mode and has me trying to hunt down an answer or solution to every single thing because not knowing what exactly the future holds triggers unsafety in the nervous system, right? But obviously it will never be possible for me to predict or control the future or make everything perfectly safe for the rest of my life. It feels like I've given myself countless pep talks and tried desperately to "learn how to be okay with uncertainty" and to stop resisting the discomfort of it - but it's not actually that easy when there's so much of it and it feels like the outcome of your entire life depends on having answers to a thousand different unknowns and solutions to problems that feel unsolvable. I'd elaborate further on all the specific uncertainties and unknowns I'm referring to, but it's already taking me so long to write this post and I keep procrastinating and not being able to focus; I guess typing out all of the things that are wrong with your life isn't very fun. I'm already very prone to overthinking and ruminating about all my issues because it gives me the illusion of control, but in reality it only makes everything feel worse. I just hate this state that I've been stuck in for ages it seems like.
This year started off decently for me, actually - I had two good days during the first week of January which felt pretty great since feeling good for longer than a few seconds at a time is such a rarity for me. Long story short, those were pretty much the only decent days that I've had this whole year and it's already nearing the end of September so 2025 is looking a little cursed. My feelings of hopefulness, gratitude for life, and a general sense that I would be okay that I had at the beginning of this year were short lived I guess because after that my life just turned into a downward spiral that gradually got worse. I think it might've started with my social isolation worsening as a result of my friend being forced to leave the state and move halfway across the country. This friend was the only person that I could physically leave the house to go visit and hang out with at least once every month or two, so for that reason it was a bit devastating for me even though I don't feel like I ever truly got emotionally close to them. To make matters worse, we got into a bit of a conflict the day before they left that had sent me into an emotional flashback because it felt like my betrayal wound had been hashed open all over again and got salt thrown into it - so all that created this rift between us that's been hard to ignore and it makes me lowkey feel like I've been slowly growing out of the friendship. I do technically have one other friend, but we only message once in a while and haven't seen each other in person since graduation. I didn't connect that deeply with them either, but since I was a loner for most of high school and only started trying to be a little more social in the second semester of my senior year, I don't really know anyone else. I've come to the conclusion that these two people I had hastily befriended on a time crunch can't exactly support me or be there for me in the way that I need them to, so I don't rely on either of them or let myself be super vulnerable about more complicated things with them. The only source of support I kind of have (besides the forum I suppose) is this youtube livestream that I attend once a week on Mondays for people who are trying to heal their cptsd. I like it a lot, but it's only peer support and it's not like I can personally get to know anyone else there - besides pretty much everyone else who attends it is a lot older than me, sort of like on here lol. I know I need professional help, but I can't get a therapist at the moment because that would require me to tell my father or someone else here that I need one and it just doesn't feel like an emotionally safe action for me to take. I know that might sound like a bad excuse, but I've never exactly been open about my mental health with any of my relatives and I've gotten rather good at keeping everything contained inside of myself - so the thought of having to elaborate to any of them on why I "suddenly" need help feels out of the question for me. I would also rather just do all of it on my own terms - pick out the therapist on my own, pay for it myself, and go to the appointments without anyone knowing if possible. I just have no idea when I'll be able to do any of that since there's no saying when I'll have a job or just my own income of some kind. I have had a therapist before when I was 13 that my M made me go to, but it didn't exactly work out; and then when I was 14 I was also also briefly forced to start talking to a different one online that I had a bad experience with - so I already have some trust issues surrounding mental health professionals that will probably complicate things for me, unfortunately.
Yeah this post is getting impossibly long and I might split it into two parts so that it looks less like an essay - and I don't know if anyone will even read all of this, but believe it or not I still have more to write haha.. Anyways, I came to the realization a while ago that social isolation is definitely not good for me and exacerbates every other problem on my seemingly never ending list of them. At first I didn't mind spending so much time alone in my room after I was done with school for good and I liked all the free time I had for those first few months. However, a few months has now turned into over a year and my room has gone from being a sanctuary to feeling like a prison cell. It might sound like I'm exaggerating, but it's true - when you're in the same place for so long you begin to dread it. I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to on a regular basis (a lot of the time the only other person I see is my father in the evening), and nothing to do besides my usual routines. I go outside every day in the evening for a walk to get some exercise and during the cooler months (or just when it's not too hot outside) I like to try and get out in the first half of the day as well to take a short walk around my neighborhood and sit at the dog park - which is pretty nice and the only form of nature that I really have access to; and while all of that is good and gets me out of the house, it doesn't exactly solve my social isolation issue. I don't talk to anyone when I go out for my walk and I can't even stand to make eye contact with anyone I pass by on the sidewalk. Once in a while, usually if I go out to the dog park earlier in the day, one of the neighbors might try to interact with me a little - which never fails to be super awkward lol, and then they'll typically get the memo that I don't want to socialize. Which isn't 100% true, but I can't say I feel super incentivized to try and befriend any of these people with whom I have (probably) nothing in common with, can't really relate to, and just aren't in my age group. Another obstacle I have in the way is my inability to easily get around the city I live in on my own; It's very car dependent and not walkable whatsoever - and I just so happen to have a phobia of driving and refuse to learn how to do it. So this makes transportation a major challenge for me; and while there is public transportation here it's apparently unreliable and just not very good. Which leaves my only other options to be ridesharing (not financially realistic), trying to walk everywhere (wouldn't really be possible), or obtaining either a bicycle or e-scooter and learning how to ride it. I never learned how to ride a bike when I was younger because I have bad balance I guess, so the idea of trying to teach myself how to so I can use it to get around has been lingering in my mind for some time now - with an e-scooter being another option, although I don't know I'd get one. The only idea I've had for getting myself out of this isolation I'm in that might have a chance of working out is trying to volunteer somewhere. I'm just not sure where exactly or if I'd even be accepted anywhere or how I would get there or any of that - but I figure that it's hopefully easier than getting a job, will let me be around other people more often, and that I could use it as a form of "experience" or something to put on a resume since there's nothing else I could put on one. I don't know if any of that will even work out, but I know I still need to try if it seems like the only thing I might be able to do that will let me find a way out of this lonely state.
I don't mean to come off as being super self-pitying or like a helpless victim with all of this, but I can't help but feel this persistent sense of powerlessness over my circumstances. I've felt this lack of control over my own life for a long time and it drives me mad. I'm constantly getting thrown into negative thought loops, catastrophizing, eternity thinking, and other cognitive distortions that are getting harder to pull myself out of. The way I think makes it all worse as well - I'm pretty much always over intellectualizing everything, my inner monologue is very overwhelming and never shuts up, and it's just like my brain has been on overdrive for the longest time. I have been practicing meditation on a regular basis ever since I started trying to get better, and while I like doing it and have been consistent with it, it hasn't exactly been a magic fix for my anxiety or deeply ingrained thinking patterns. On and off I've been trying to make an effort to practice mindfulness more intentionally throughout the day to train myself to stop living in my head so much and be in my body and surroundings more, but it's apparent that none of that is going to be easy for me and that it will probably take years for me to become more present in that way. The way my life is right now also just seems to be a breeding ground for all this anxiety, worrying, uncertainty, and just a bunch of negative feelings and thoughts in general, so I don't want to put too much blame on myself for "not trying hard enough". Although I've also been stuck in this state of inaction and idleness where I'm not doing much of anything at all - not moving forward towards anything specific, not making momentum in anything, and just being unable to create any new goals for myself. I believe it's likely due to me being in a prolonged freeze state that I can only come out of for short periods of time; everything has just been way too overwhelming for awhile and I just can't seem to stay regulated for long enough.
I really need to wrap up this tangent and not let things drag on for a millenia with this post lol, but there's just all these things that have me feeling like I've got a bucket stuck on my head and I'm just wandering around aimlessly and alone. It's like my whole life has just turned into a series of dilemma's, catch-22's, and cycles of the same feelings and mental states. I don't know what to call any of this besides a "rough period of my life" because I don't think it'd be a prolonged emotional flashback if it's all about my present day circumstances and problems? I've been trying to practice accepting all these feelings instead of resisting them or trying to solve/change them, like I'm prone to doing automatically. I suppose it helps to not immediately shame or judge my emotions, but not to make them go away completely or fix the things that make them keep coming back. In reality, there is no easy fix for any of the nonsense that's been weighing on my mind, eating away at me, and just making it hard for me to keep going. I'm trying the best I can to keep my head above water and hold on to this fraying thread, but my capacity has definitely reached a low point. Maybe that's why I felt the need to dump my brain out and take almost two weeks to type all of this out, and this isn't even everything I wanted to say but a part of me is starting to regret writing all of this lol - but it's too late to back down now. I usually try not to compare myself to others but lately I can't help but wish I was someone else or that I just had a different life. Even though I know things could be a lot worse in pretty much every way and that they have been worse than they are right now. There's just this discontentment with the way my life is going that has started to gnaw at the center of my being; this knowing that things shouldn't be like this right now. I'm not entirely sure what exactly I want my life to look like instead (and so many things just don't feel achievable for me) but I just know that it can't stay like this for too much longer. I feel like the worst thing about all of this though, is that I don't know how long this will all last - my messy psychological state, the unideal circumstances I feel trapped in, ect. I know that technically everything changes eventually, everything is temporary, and that nothing lasts forever - but the more time that passes, the worse I feel and the more depressed and anxious I get.
I could keep going and talk more about other things or elaborate on certain points or add more details, but what I have so far already feels too excessive and it's hard for me to imagine someone sitting down and just casually reading it all the way through lol - so this will be the last paragraph. I think it's important to mention that I am not experiencing any suicidal thoughts right now and that no one is obligated to reply with any of the crisis hotlines. I believe that no matter how bad it gets I still have things to live for - if not for myself, at the very least. I try to seek out every micromoment of goodness that I can and hold on to every small joy that I have like my life depends on it, because maybe it kind of does in a way. I've still been trying to take care of myself in the ways that I feel able to, even if it all kind of just feels like autopilot at this point. I've been having a hard time coping though - just a lot of dissociating in various ways, but that's not very surprising to me. I haven't given up completely on my personal healing journey though and I still try the best I can to practice self compassion/self gentleness/self soothing/self validation because I know those things are important when I'm struggling so badly with so much and I want to make sure that I'm on my own side. I'm also always reminding myself to try and focus on what is in my control versus what isn't - but it can be a bit difficult to distinguish between the two, especially if my whole mind is persistently a whirlpool like how it has been. Anyways I applaud you if you actually read everything I wrote, I know it was like waayy too much haha. I'm not exactly seeking advice for anything I went over in this btw - I just felt like I had a lot bottled up and needed to release some of it.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: strawberrycat's journal
Last post by strawberrycat - October 01, 2025, 06:38:26 AMPart 1 of 2
Hello, I know it's been a little while since I last posted here; I didn't exactly mean to take this long of a break from writing/posting - it's just that the last couple of weeks have been difficult for me and I didn't have the capacity for it. I haven't abandoned my journal on here and I do want to keep gradually sharing my personal history, but this post will be a bit different than the other ones and maybe a bit all over the place lol. I've been meaning to come in here and just type out a long rant about my life in the present without caring about any formalities, but I kept putting it off and wasting time instead I guess. But now I've decided to put in the conscious effort to be here and go on an angsty ramble about a bunch of stuff that's been bothering me and stressing me out.
I'm not sure where to begin, but let's just say I didn't start off September on a very good note and that the first two weeks of this month were challenging to say the least. I was trying my best not to lose my mind, but it kind of happened anyways and I'm still coming down from it and trying to get my routine back in order since it got all out of whack. Long story short, I've been severely worried about my future; particularly in the context of me being more independent from my family of origin and being financially secure/stable on my own. To elaborate, I've been a neet (an acronym that stands for someone who is not in education, employment, or training) ever since I graduated high school over a year ago. I was never interested in attending college while growing up for a couple reasons I guess; the main ones were because I just didn't like school and had no desire to pursue any education that wasn't required - and I was passively suicidal for years so I didn't see the point of going through it if I was already planning to end it all after my cat passed away. I'm not in that headspace anymore though, so now I've been stuck in this awkward and uncomfortable position in life as I didn't start making a plan for my future early on like I perhaps should have - I just didn't think I'd be living past a certain age for a lot of my adolescence.
So now, on and off for the past year, I've been trying to "figure it out" and get myself together like I'm supposed to if I want to ever have a chance at living a life I can feel good about, right? Well that endeavor hasn't really been working out the way I want it to. I feel like I've taken pretty much every (free) career assessment I could find, have looked up countless things about all sorts of jobs and considered a variety of different things, and have spent an embarrassing amount of time scouring a bunch of subreddits related to it - only to end up hearing the same kind of advice and suggestions over and over again, which just gets annoying after awhile. I arrive at a dead end every single time I do all of this and can't seem to reach a conclusion that I feel confident about. Not to mention it took forever for me to get an ID and now is like the worst time possible to try and get a job of any kind - especially considering my lack of work experience, skills, qualifications, connections, ect. For context, I live in the U.S. and the job market and economy are in shambles right now and who knows when or if things will get better and it all feels so ridiculous and overwhelming. I'm not trying to hunt down the "perfect job" or anything because I know it probably doesn't exist for me; I just need something that is accessible to me, that I will be able to tolerate in the long term, and that will pay me enough to live. But I guess that's asking for too much nowadays and won't really be feasible for me to get. I just don't know what I'm "supposed" to be doing - I've thought about going to like community college or maybe getting a certification in something, but I'm not sure what the "smartest" way to go about it would be when there's a million different things I have to consider: the most "in demand field" is constantly changing it seems and so many of them are oversaturated and have too much competition, I have to worry about AI when it comes to certain positions, I need to consider what kind of jobs are "recession proof", what jobs are the most available in the area I live in, and then I always have to think about what's going to be personally sustainable for me since I have cptsd and other issues that I need to take into account and yeah its just way too much and I don't know what I'm doing.
Yes, I know I'm young and I technically "still have time" - but that time is not infinite and it's only gonna dwindle down more and more the older I get. I'm pretty much just expected to "figure it out on my own sooner or later" and well, the only thing I've figured out is that there's never gonna be a magical day where I figure it all out. This is all even more frustrating given the fact that I don't really care about working as a whole. I'm aware I have no choice but to exist under capitalism and that it's not something I can avoid doing for the rest of my life, but I'm generally just apathetic towards it - I never had a specific "dream job" while I was growing up and don't consider myself to be "career-driven" either. I know that technically "no one wants to work" (unless their job is their passion or something, but that doesn't seem super common) but the more I try searching for something that might suit me, the less I see the point in any of it. A part of me could care less about "hustle culture" or the "grind" or constantly "upskilling/reskilling" or networking or any of that nonsense. Another part of me knows that all of this is just a matter of survival and self-sufficiency for most people in the modern world and that I don't really have a choice if I want to live a comfortable life - but I also know that this is all just one big toxic game that I would rather not play. I have a hard time coping with the society I live in I guess; I always tell myself to only focus on the things that I have control over, but it's a bit difficult not to notice the state of the world right now. I don't want to be so negative and pessimistic because I know it's not good for me, but it's getting hard not to feel hopeless and doomed in a way. I know that everything changes eventually, either for the better or worse, and that things aren't all bad all the time - but right now things just feel bleak to the point where I'm not sure if I even have a future. I've noticed many members on the forum are much older than me, so I don't know if anyone that reads this will really understand it when I say that being a young person right now just sucks, as much of a cliche that is. There's all these things that just feel too difficult to navigate on my own and no one is helping me. Neither of my parents really prepared me for adult life like they should have and now I almost feel stunted compared to my peers. It's also almost like I was set up to fail from the very beginning - I wasn't given the tools to succeed and I'm being left to my own devices and I'll eventually be forced to play catch-up sooner or later.
The reason I never stop worrying about the future is mainly due to what my life in the present is like. It's a bit of a long story, but when I was 16 I needed to leave my M's house because living there had gotten worse than it already had been for me and the only other place where I could be at was my grandma's house, so I've been here ever since. It's still not exactly ideal though; I'm not here because I want to be, I just had no other choice if I wanted to leave the situation I was in. I'm forced to rely on my father who also lives here for basic necessities and I can barely tolerate my grandma and aunt for various reasons that would take too long to get into right now. It's become more and more obvious to me that no one I live with is happy with how their life is going either, myself included. After I first moved here, I was just relieved to finally be away from my M and not be expected to go back to living with her. I'm still thankful to be away from my primary abuser, but over time I've realized that now I'll just be stuck with the parent who enabled her and his family for an undetermined amount of time. They all agree for the most part that my M is toxic and (somewhat) understand why I couldn't be in her house anymore, but they all also greatly lack self-awareness, to put it simply anyways. My father will probably never truly realize or acknowledge the consequences of his emotional neglect and unavailability and how he contributed to the development of my cptsd - which no one I'm related to even knows that I have. He is still capable of triggering an emotional flashback in me, so no matter how much he tries to act like he's the "good parent" he will never be an emotionally safe person for me. But it's either him or my M that I have to put up with since I'm still basically a kid that's never had a job and has no idea how to do any "adult things" yet, even if I'm technically legally considered an adult and it's all very frustrating.
Hello, I know it's been a little while since I last posted here; I didn't exactly mean to take this long of a break from writing/posting - it's just that the last couple of weeks have been difficult for me and I didn't have the capacity for it. I haven't abandoned my journal on here and I do want to keep gradually sharing my personal history, but this post will be a bit different than the other ones and maybe a bit all over the place lol. I've been meaning to come in here and just type out a long rant about my life in the present without caring about any formalities, but I kept putting it off and wasting time instead I guess. But now I've decided to put in the conscious effort to be here and go on an angsty ramble about a bunch of stuff that's been bothering me and stressing me out.
I'm not sure where to begin, but let's just say I didn't start off September on a very good note and that the first two weeks of this month were challenging to say the least. I was trying my best not to lose my mind, but it kind of happened anyways and I'm still coming down from it and trying to get my routine back in order since it got all out of whack. Long story short, I've been severely worried about my future; particularly in the context of me being more independent from my family of origin and being financially secure/stable on my own. To elaborate, I've been a neet (an acronym that stands for someone who is not in education, employment, or training) ever since I graduated high school over a year ago. I was never interested in attending college while growing up for a couple reasons I guess; the main ones were because I just didn't like school and had no desire to pursue any education that wasn't required - and I was passively suicidal for years so I didn't see the point of going through it if I was already planning to end it all after my cat passed away. I'm not in that headspace anymore though, so now I've been stuck in this awkward and uncomfortable position in life as I didn't start making a plan for my future early on like I perhaps should have - I just didn't think I'd be living past a certain age for a lot of my adolescence.
So now, on and off for the past year, I've been trying to "figure it out" and get myself together like I'm supposed to if I want to ever have a chance at living a life I can feel good about, right? Well that endeavor hasn't really been working out the way I want it to. I feel like I've taken pretty much every (free) career assessment I could find, have looked up countless things about all sorts of jobs and considered a variety of different things, and have spent an embarrassing amount of time scouring a bunch of subreddits related to it - only to end up hearing the same kind of advice and suggestions over and over again, which just gets annoying after awhile. I arrive at a dead end every single time I do all of this and can't seem to reach a conclusion that I feel confident about. Not to mention it took forever for me to get an ID and now is like the worst time possible to try and get a job of any kind - especially considering my lack of work experience, skills, qualifications, connections, ect. For context, I live in the U.S. and the job market and economy are in shambles right now and who knows when or if things will get better and it all feels so ridiculous and overwhelming. I'm not trying to hunt down the "perfect job" or anything because I know it probably doesn't exist for me; I just need something that is accessible to me, that I will be able to tolerate in the long term, and that will pay me enough to live. But I guess that's asking for too much nowadays and won't really be feasible for me to get. I just don't know what I'm "supposed" to be doing - I've thought about going to like community college or maybe getting a certification in something, but I'm not sure what the "smartest" way to go about it would be when there's a million different things I have to consider: the most "in demand field" is constantly changing it seems and so many of them are oversaturated and have too much competition, I have to worry about AI when it comes to certain positions, I need to consider what kind of jobs are "recession proof", what jobs are the most available in the area I live in, and then I always have to think about what's going to be personally sustainable for me since I have cptsd and other issues that I need to take into account and yeah its just way too much and I don't know what I'm doing.
Yes, I know I'm young and I technically "still have time" - but that time is not infinite and it's only gonna dwindle down more and more the older I get. I'm pretty much just expected to "figure it out on my own sooner or later" and well, the only thing I've figured out is that there's never gonna be a magical day where I figure it all out. This is all even more frustrating given the fact that I don't really care about working as a whole. I'm aware I have no choice but to exist under capitalism and that it's not something I can avoid doing for the rest of my life, but I'm generally just apathetic towards it - I never had a specific "dream job" while I was growing up and don't consider myself to be "career-driven" either. I know that technically "no one wants to work" (unless their job is their passion or something, but that doesn't seem super common) but the more I try searching for something that might suit me, the less I see the point in any of it. A part of me could care less about "hustle culture" or the "grind" or constantly "upskilling/reskilling" or networking or any of that nonsense. Another part of me knows that all of this is just a matter of survival and self-sufficiency for most people in the modern world and that I don't really have a choice if I want to live a comfortable life - but I also know that this is all just one big toxic game that I would rather not play. I have a hard time coping with the society I live in I guess; I always tell myself to only focus on the things that I have control over, but it's a bit difficult not to notice the state of the world right now. I don't want to be so negative and pessimistic because I know it's not good for me, but it's getting hard not to feel hopeless and doomed in a way. I know that everything changes eventually, either for the better or worse, and that things aren't all bad all the time - but right now things just feel bleak to the point where I'm not sure if I even have a future. I've noticed many members on the forum are much older than me, so I don't know if anyone that reads this will really understand it when I say that being a young person right now just sucks, as much of a cliche that is. There's all these things that just feel too difficult to navigate on my own and no one is helping me. Neither of my parents really prepared me for adult life like they should have and now I almost feel stunted compared to my peers. It's also almost like I was set up to fail from the very beginning - I wasn't given the tools to succeed and I'm being left to my own devices and I'll eventually be forced to play catch-up sooner or later.
The reason I never stop worrying about the future is mainly due to what my life in the present is like. It's a bit of a long story, but when I was 16 I needed to leave my M's house because living there had gotten worse than it already had been for me and the only other place where I could be at was my grandma's house, so I've been here ever since. It's still not exactly ideal though; I'm not here because I want to be, I just had no other choice if I wanted to leave the situation I was in. I'm forced to rely on my father who also lives here for basic necessities and I can barely tolerate my grandma and aunt for various reasons that would take too long to get into right now. It's become more and more obvious to me that no one I live with is happy with how their life is going either, myself included. After I first moved here, I was just relieved to finally be away from my M and not be expected to go back to living with her. I'm still thankful to be away from my primary abuser, but over time I've realized that now I'll just be stuck with the parent who enabled her and his family for an undetermined amount of time. They all agree for the most part that my M is toxic and (somewhat) understand why I couldn't be in her house anymore, but they all also greatly lack self-awareness, to put it simply anyways. My father will probably never truly realize or acknowledge the consequences of his emotional neglect and unavailability and how he contributed to the development of my cptsd - which no one I'm related to even knows that I have. He is still capable of triggering an emotional flashback in me, so no matter how much he tries to act like he's the "good parent" he will never be an emotionally safe person for me. But it's either him or my M that I have to put up with since I'm still basically a kid that's never had a job and has no idea how to do any "adult things" yet, even if I'm technically legally considered an adult and it's all very frustrating.