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#21

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by TheBigBlue - January 27, 2026, 06:10:15 PM

I'd have said "yes" to the tea, too. I'd probably have cracked at juice, to be honest.

    me too.     

[1. The infant brain is built from the outside in]

#22

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026

Last post by TheBigBlue - January 27, 2026, 06:05:17 PM

... they're correctly placed in time and place - which is interesting as before I wasn't able to pinpoint such things - it felt so much more fragmented - it's like it's beginning to link together and make some grounded sense.  I don't think I can convey this appropriately in words, but just writing this will remind me of what I'm thinking of.

I think this makes a lot of sense. I have been listening to, reading and thinking a lot about the "structured dissociation/fragmentation" topic lately (I initially saw it in Janina Fisher's book, but the theory is originally from Van der Hart around 2006). This theory makes so much sense to me, e.g. the profound disconnect of my "Apparently Normal Part" (ANP) that was high-functioning in the world, but was cut off from the "Emotional Part" (EP) that carries decades of unprocessed fear, shame, and grief. (using ANP/EP in structural dissociation terms - not DID or classic IFS)

In infancy, the brain is not yet an integrated, self-regulating system. It is experience-dependent and organized through repeated interactions with caregivers. In a neglectful, abusive and/or inconsistent caregiving environment, fragmentation is a developmentally appropriate survival adaptation to conditions the brain cannot escape.

This is how I'm currently making sense of it for myself:
1. The infant brain is built from the outside in
At birth and during the first years of life:
- The right hemisphere (emotion, bodily state, attachment) dominates
  (see also Prof. Schore's video that Chart posted about "attachment theory" turned "regulation theory").
- The limbic system is immature
- The prefrontal cortex (integration, inhibition, meaning) is undeveloped
- Regulation depends almost entirely on co-regulation by caregivers

An infant cannot:
- Self-soothe
- Mentally contextualize/reframe threat
- Escape danger
=> So the brain adapts structurally to what is repeatedly happening.

2. Neglect, abuse and inconsistent caregiving create incompatible states the brain cannot integrate
In a safe environment, the infant repeatedly experiences:
distress → caregiver response → relief → return to baseline
=> This builds integration.

In neglect, abuse or inconsistent caregiving, the infant instead experiences unsolvable contradictions, such as:
- Need for proximity and fear of the caregiver
- Intense distress without relief
- Pain or terror without explanation or containment
- A nervous system pushed beyond capacity with no repair.
=> These states are extremely difficult to integrate in an immature brain. Integration would overwhelm the system and risk overwhelming the system (in evolutionary terms that would mean low survival chances)

3. Fragmentation is the brain's solution to an unsolvable problem
Because the infant cannot leave, fight, or cognitively understand, the brain uses the only remaining option = State-based compartmentalization:
This means that different neural networks specialize for different survival demands and are kept separate to prevent overload.
=> This produces early forms of what later look like "parts."

4. EP and ANP emerge as functional adaptations
EP (Emotional Part) Encodes:
- Terror
- Pain
- Rage
- Panic
- Attachment distress

It is dominated by:
- Right hemisphere
- Brainstem
- Amygdala
- Oriented toward immediate survival
- Timeless, sensory, nonverbal

ANP (Apparently Normal Part) Develops to:
- Maintain attachment
- Preserve functioning
- Avoid triggering threat responses
- Suppresses or walls off overwhelming affect
- Becomes task-oriented, compliant, vigilant
- Oriented toward continuing life despite threat
=> This is not a conscious split. It is neurodevelopmental specialization under stress.

5. Why fragmentation increases survival odds?
If the brain remained integrated under adverse conditions it would result in:
- Continuous terror would dysregulate physiology
- Cortisol toxicity would impair development
- The infant could fail to thrive or die.

Instead fragmentation allows:
- Emotional pain to be contained
- Daily functioning to continue
- Attachment to be preserved (even if unsafe)
- Allow the organism to grow to the next stage.
=> In evolutionary terms: the infant brain chooses fragmented survival over integration, because Integration risks collapse or severe dysregulation (= low survival chances). The brain fragmented because it was brilliant. It learned how to survive when no one helped it regulate.

6. Fragmentation is adaptive early - and costly later
What saved the infant becomes costly in adulthood because:
- The brain matures but the compartments remain
- to me that explains why I didn't know, why I had "amnesia" about my childhood trauma
   for 56 years. Instead I blamed myself - asking "what's wrong with me",  instead of "what happened to me"    )
- EPs still fire as if danger is present
- ANP maintains control through suppression
- Integration feels unsafe because it once was!
=> The system is not broken. It is frozen at an earlier solution.

7. Healing is not "removing parts" but restoring integration safely
This is incomplete, as I am still trying to understand this part, but what seems to be helping me so far involves:
- Building external regulation first with my T, by opening up to two friends that can be trusted
- Creating safety before integration
- Allowing EP material to be experienced - ideally without overwhelming the system, but that has not worked all the time
- Updating the nervous system that survival no longer requires separation of ANP (left) and EP (right hemisphere - loosely speaking).

So to me, your feeling of "it's beginning to link together" make a ton of "grounded sense" 
Thanks for letting me think this through out loud ...
(As Chart says, I too understand if you prefer me to move this long post elsewhere)

#23

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by NarcKiddo - January 27, 2026, 06:00:17 PM

That sounds lovely! I'm happy for you.

#24

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Mostly out of the storm

Last post by NarcKiddo - January 27, 2026, 05:58:40 PM

Welcome! Yep, it sure is nice to be around people who get it. I'm glad you found us. Also glad to read you have plenty of therapy under your belt and are a good way along the path of healing. That's great.

#25

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Mostly out of the storm

Last post by Chart - January 27, 2026, 05:51:51 PM

Hello Pelicantown, welcome to the Forum. I hear you about relating to folks out there in the "real" world. It's sometimes very discouraging. I've made zero new friends in the past ten years (well, maybe one). But compared to the number of people I've just completely lost contact with and very little energy to renew those acquaintances... No, I'm definitely done with small-talk, I hear you about that one. I'm trying to rewire a neuronal catastrophe in my brain and the idea of 'drink til you drop' and 'when's the next dopamine rush' just makes me sigh.

None of that here! Sometimes we drink too much tea, and there're always cookies on the Healing Porch, but beyond that it's 100% real around here (at least that's my opinion :-)
Warm welcome. Sending hugs if that's okay (and it's okay to say it's not okay!)
 

#26

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by Armee - January 27, 2026, 05:46:42 PM

 

That sounds about perfect.

#27

General Discussion / Re: Trauma and Depression

Last post by Teddy bear - January 27, 2026, 05:42:40 PM

Fortunately, I seem to be feeling better already,

   

It's good to celebrate the good days or even good hours!

For me, it goes in cycles (a year or two ago things were generally manageable for about 3 weeks and then I'd have a down phase. It wasn't moon-related!) so I'm no longer really surprised when I go into a difficult or tiring phase, or am plain in an EF. It isn't fun though, so I'm happy for you that you were feeling better when you wrote.

Also good that you have support from 12 Step groups, or people in them. I used to, but it got to a point where I just got triggered the whole time and triggered other people in the groups too, but some of the sayings are still helpful for me. Whatever tools you have in your toolkit - it's good to use, with cptsd.

Thank you 🤝 Exactly 💯

And when similar feelings arise, I try to take it one day at a time. Though I prefer to see a perspective now, I still come back to this tool.

I felt in a more resourceful state today after some watercolour sketches and just experimenting/searching yesterday (testing a new colour box). I was also able to do the tests for my math course today. Even small achievements feel good and tangible.

Regarding the 12-Step program, yes, I feel triggered at times too, so I'm just avoiding certain people and groups that aren't a good fit for me right now.

Happy to share my improving state with others 🤗

#28

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...

Last post by Chart - January 27, 2026, 05:41:38 PM

Just saw the post, clicked the link, joined in... Wow, how's that for perfect timing. Had a very good cry fifteen minutes in, lots of release. Really nice. Thank you again, Armee!

#29

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by Chart - January 27, 2026, 05:39:50 PM

Safe and respectful, those are exactly what everyone needs. So very very happy that this T filled that security need. They're out there, hard to find and difficult sorting through the various themes and personalities, but they do exist. Looking forward to hearing how things progress.
Much love and support, San! Thinking about you very often.
 

#30

Successes, Progress? / Re: Post-Traumatic Joy

Last post by Chart - January 27, 2026, 05:32:15 PM

Very cool SO! It's such a gift when things start flowing.