Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 14, 2026, 02:59:20 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on January 14, 2026, 01:40:50 PMoooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment. very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session. my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known. didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me! but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.
Jetzt geht's los! [sorry, this works best in German]
Life is writing poetry. You've got your money's worth with that one session. Perfectly delivered. And received.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - January 14, 2026, 02:47:03 PMThese past couple of days have been quite the roller coaster. I'm almost gasping for air. I expect to be calming down again in the next couple of hours. Thank 'some benign force in the universe' for yoga this evening!
I had been desperately trying to enlist the proper mental health care for myself and I finally did. WOW.
In my country, waiting times for publicly funded psychotherapy are terrible, they range from a (theoretical) two weeks up to six months or beyond. That is, for the specialised mental health care that I need. It is an incomprehensible labyrinth too. And it made me quite desperate these last couple of days. I began to lose hope.
The health insurance company had come back with a so called answer to my question (I asked for their permission for a longer term trajectory) that wasn't an answer to that question at all! They said they now found the practitioner in my region that had the shortest waiting time, which amounted to 10 - 12 weeks. And I looked her up and I didn't like her photo (which is silly I know). But the institution I was referred to before by the GP had said they had a two weeks waiting time, for the short trajectory that is. Only they said my insurance didn't cover the longer. So then, I didn't know what to do anymore, and I made an appointment to talk this over with the GP (that's tomorrow - and then the company doctor on Friday, it's a LOT). But that's six weeks after I crashed and landed in her office already! Bloody H***!!! This was going nowhere.
So these past couple of days, I did a frantic search of any reasonable specialised mental health available in any reasonable time frame in my region. And finally I got myself enlisted with an actual psychiatrist today! This is monumental to me really. I needed this to happen. It's been so long in the making. I hope to finally get an official diagnosis now too. Well, 30 years ago, I got a diagnosis that said PTSD, Identity Problems and 'Life Phase Problems' (whatever that last bit was, I've been having problems in every phase of life, I can safely say now). And the psychologist I was with last year wrote down I have 'complex trauma', so that's fair enough too. But still. Oh Recognition, it is so important to me.
This seems to be an old fashioned psychiatrist. He doesn't have a fancy website and I find that comforting somehow. And he is an independent psychiatrist, not working from one of the big health care organisations that we have, and I like that too (although it could be a risk, another part of me says). And he has 30 plus years of experience. And although he says he does't treat PTSD (hmm), he does treat fear and anxiety and developmental disorders (which should include attachment disorders), and this means we will be addressing the fearful part of me (even if I'm the only one who knows that) and that's fair enough to me at this point. He asked me what my biggest problem was at the moment and I said Fear and that got me in. He sounded kind enough and his picture looks it too. And my intake will be in two weeks! I spoke to him (not some telephone person or secretary or what have you) and made the actual appointment. It is scheduled! I almost cannot believe it.
I will have to wait and see whether this will work out at all of course. But that goes for the big health care institutions just as well, you never know where you will end up (possibly group therapy AARGH) until you get there and talk to them for real. But at least this will be (reasonably) fast now and that's really important to me because waiting around does not improve my symptoms, quite the contrary!
Now that this actual help is on the way, I think I'll wait with the parts therapy that was gonna start in February or thereabouts. See what this does first and not do too many different things at a time. Also, parts therapy is not considered 'regular care' in my country and was gonna have to be funded by me privately. If this doesn't work out, I can always try parts therapy later.
The thing is, it doesn't even matter so much to me whether it will be care that fits perfectly (could it ever?), what matters most to me at this point, is that I don't want to be doing this all by myself anymore, I want to have some human support. (That's actually why this Forum is invaluable to me too!) I don't even need these complaints to go away completely maybe, and I did all the psycho education myself already anyway, as long as I can share the burden somehow. I know everybody is struggling, I know this is what life is, I might be able to accept this, when I know I'm not alone. (Even if that sounds strange having a h and kids, but they have their own lives too). To have some support for (the Assembly of) ME. And I want some help NOW please.
I am wiped though. Maybe take a little nap this afternoon.
(Long story, apologies. Needed to get this off my chest.)
I had been desperately trying to enlist the proper mental health care for myself and I finally did. WOW.
In my country, waiting times for publicly funded psychotherapy are terrible, they range from a (theoretical) two weeks up to six months or beyond. That is, for the specialised mental health care that I need. It is an incomprehensible labyrinth too. And it made me quite desperate these last couple of days. I began to lose hope.
The health insurance company had come back with a so called answer to my question (I asked for their permission for a longer term trajectory) that wasn't an answer to that question at all! They said they now found the practitioner in my region that had the shortest waiting time, which amounted to 10 - 12 weeks. And I looked her up and I didn't like her photo (which is silly I know). But the institution I was referred to before by the GP had said they had a two weeks waiting time, for the short trajectory that is. Only they said my insurance didn't cover the longer. So then, I didn't know what to do anymore, and I made an appointment to talk this over with the GP (that's tomorrow - and then the company doctor on Friday, it's a LOT). But that's six weeks after I crashed and landed in her office already! Bloody H***!!! This was going nowhere.
So these past couple of days, I did a frantic search of any reasonable specialised mental health available in any reasonable time frame in my region. And finally I got myself enlisted with an actual psychiatrist today! This is monumental to me really. I needed this to happen. It's been so long in the making. I hope to finally get an official diagnosis now too. Well, 30 years ago, I got a diagnosis that said PTSD, Identity Problems and 'Life Phase Problems' (whatever that last bit was, I've been having problems in every phase of life, I can safely say now). And the psychologist I was with last year wrote down I have 'complex trauma', so that's fair enough too. But still. Oh Recognition, it is so important to me.
This seems to be an old fashioned psychiatrist. He doesn't have a fancy website and I find that comforting somehow. And he is an independent psychiatrist, not working from one of the big health care organisations that we have, and I like that too (although it could be a risk, another part of me says). And he has 30 plus years of experience. And although he says he does't treat PTSD (hmm), he does treat fear and anxiety and developmental disorders (which should include attachment disorders), and this means we will be addressing the fearful part of me (even if I'm the only one who knows that) and that's fair enough to me at this point. He asked me what my biggest problem was at the moment and I said Fear and that got me in. He sounded kind enough and his picture looks it too. And my intake will be in two weeks! I spoke to him (not some telephone person or secretary or what have you) and made the actual appointment. It is scheduled! I almost cannot believe it.
I will have to wait and see whether this will work out at all of course. But that goes for the big health care institutions just as well, you never know where you will end up (possibly group therapy AARGH) until you get there and talk to them for real. But at least this will be (reasonably) fast now and that's really important to me because waiting around does not improve my symptoms, quite the contrary!
Now that this actual help is on the way, I think I'll wait with the parts therapy that was gonna start in February or thereabouts. See what this does first and not do too many different things at a time. Also, parts therapy is not considered 'regular care' in my country and was gonna have to be funded by me privately. If this doesn't work out, I can always try parts therapy later.
The thing is, it doesn't even matter so much to me whether it will be care that fits perfectly (could it ever?), what matters most to me at this point, is that I don't want to be doing this all by myself anymore, I want to have some human support. (That's actually why this Forum is invaluable to me too!) I don't even need these complaints to go away completely maybe, and I did all the psycho education myself already anyway, as long as I can share the burden somehow. I know everybody is struggling, I know this is what life is, I might be able to accept this, when I know I'm not alone. (Even if that sounds strange having a h and kids, but they have their own lives too). To have some support for (the Assembly of) ME. And I want some help NOW please.
I am wiped though. Maybe take a little nap this afternoon.
(Long story, apologies. Needed to get this off my chest.)
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 14, 2026, 01:40:50 PMTBB, thank you for all your insight and support. it means a lot. when i mentioned being sensitive, i think it came from a place of having neg. experiences w/ too many other T's, including the first one, an NPD T who damaged me badly, so i'm now quite sensitive to what i expect from a T towards me. it's actually trauma trigger stuff. i also appreciate your validation for my feelings. 
So, i've been thinking about what to write. my first draft was full of venom, wanting to point out everything i thought she did wrong. the next draft was toned down quite a bit, but it felt good to get that crapola out of me in the first one. a few more feelings have since been recognized, including feeling unsafe. that's not a good one to have starting out w/ a T.
i'm probably going to send the email this morning to her. it'll be quite short - oooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment. very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session. my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known. didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me! but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.
TBB, you mentioned something about 'this hurt'. this is the second time in just a couple of weeks, it seems, where someone brought up the idea of feeling hurt by something that happened or was said. honestly, both then, and when i read this the other day, the idea of being hurt never came into my picture. never felt it. thanks for pointing this out. it's helpful for me to recognize, even when i don't feel it.
So, i've been thinking about what to write. my first draft was full of venom, wanting to point out everything i thought she did wrong. the next draft was toned down quite a bit, but it felt good to get that crapola out of me in the first one. a few more feelings have since been recognized, including feeling unsafe. that's not a good one to have starting out w/ a T.
i'm probably going to send the email this morning to her. it'll be quite short - oooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment. very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session. my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known. didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me! but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.
TBB, you mentioned something about 'this hurt'. this is the second time in just a couple of weeks, it seems, where someone brought up the idea of feeling hurt by something that happened or was said. honestly, both then, and when i read this the other day, the idea of being hurt never came into my picture. never felt it. thanks for pointing this out. it's helpful for me to recognize, even when i don't feel it.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 14, 2026, 01:17:00 PMchart, what a breathtakingly beautiful attitude toward your children, your role as dad, your sense of family. despite your pain, what you're going thru, you bring out the best in you for your kids. you are remarkable, too, for braving the tsunami and making another go of it all. sending love and a hug filled w/ the strength and power you need.
#25
New Members / Re: What's in a Name - Part 3
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 14, 2026, 01:09:16 PMso very cool to see these origins come to life here. 
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Marcine - January 13, 2026, 09:43:43 PMHi Hope,
Continuing with what others wrote, I was particularly struck by your words:
"remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration..."
How beautiful and powerful to remain curious toward your self and your experiences. To try things and observe the effects on you.
I appreciate the inspiration to try EMDR for a brief time. I usually launch into a longer session which is more daunting.
I'm consciously working on acknowledging when I accomplish something. I see lots of reasons to celebrate on your list. I hope you can give that to yourself...
Continuing with what others wrote, I was particularly struck by your words:
"remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration..."
How beautiful and powerful to remain curious toward your self and your experiences. To try things and observe the effects on you.
I appreciate the inspiration to try EMDR for a brief time. I usually launch into a longer session which is more daunting.
I'm consciously working on acknowledging when I accomplish something. I see lots of reasons to celebrate on your list. I hope you can give that to yourself...
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Marcine - January 13, 2026, 08:52:44 PMOh good Lord, Chart...
".. I gave simple solid honest value to my daughter, both my kids... My dear good children: I see you, I recognize your difficulties. You are valid, you are worthy and though it needs no proof, the love I feel for you makes it all true."
Fatherhood incarnate.
You have my deep respect.
".. I gave simple solid honest value to my daughter, both my kids... My dear good children: I see you, I recognize your difficulties. You are valid, you are worthy and though it needs no proof, the love I feel for you makes it all true."
Fatherhood incarnate.
You have my deep respect.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 13, 2026, 08:28:36 PMThank you everyone, I don't know what to say. But your support helps so much. Now it's time to mount the walls of the wave. Perhaps they're not as high as I thought. Your words are like little ladders, magic stepping stones, one foot after the next. The little child sees only giants around them, everything oversized. Maybe that's where I am.
So many good things happened to me after writing those words this morning. I reached out all around, and in every way. I spoke with several friends, different subjects, but all of it good and rational and supportive. These conversations are lighting up little candles and filling the room with light. My son came home from school because he wasn't feeling well. I then had a task outside of my Suffering. He wasn't "that" ill, more sick of school then really sick :-) We talked about all sorts of stuff, connected, laughed a little, ate dinner together. My daughter called while I was out grocery shopping. She was struggling with her feelings and the challenges of adolescence and we talked about life and love, me in the middle of a French super market speaking loudly English on my phone to my daughter, people looking at me, me not caring. My daughter kept telling me that she felt horrible because she knew she kept annoying people. I kept responding, simply, "You don't annoy ME..." I felt a surge of Attachment Theory crash through the thoughts of love over the telephone. I FELT the theory and wanted to scream, "THIS SH*T ENDS HERE! THERE WILL BE NO MORE ABANDONMENT TRAUMA IN THIS %#!&-ing family... I gave simple solid honest value to my daughter, both my kids... My dear good children: I see you, I recognize your difficulties. You are valid, you are worthy and though it needs no proof, the love I feel for you makes it all true.
Just like you all have done for me here, seeing my pain and reaching out to support me.
I can face the tsunami, I can face the fire, knowing now what you have taught me. Thank you.
So many good things happened to me after writing those words this morning. I reached out all around, and in every way. I spoke with several friends, different subjects, but all of it good and rational and supportive. These conversations are lighting up little candles and filling the room with light. My son came home from school because he wasn't feeling well. I then had a task outside of my Suffering. He wasn't "that" ill, more sick of school then really sick :-) We talked about all sorts of stuff, connected, laughed a little, ate dinner together. My daughter called while I was out grocery shopping. She was struggling with her feelings and the challenges of adolescence and we talked about life and love, me in the middle of a French super market speaking loudly English on my phone to my daughter, people looking at me, me not caring. My daughter kept telling me that she felt horrible because she knew she kept annoying people. I kept responding, simply, "You don't annoy ME..." I felt a surge of Attachment Theory crash through the thoughts of love over the telephone. I FELT the theory and wanted to scream, "THIS SH*T ENDS HERE! THERE WILL BE NO MORE ABANDONMENT TRAUMA IN THIS %#!&-ing family... I gave simple solid honest value to my daughter, both my kids... My dear good children: I see you, I recognize your difficulties. You are valid, you are worthy and though it needs no proof, the love I feel for you makes it all true.
Just like you all have done for me here, seeing my pain and reaching out to support me.
I can face the tsunami, I can face the fire, knowing now what you have taught me. Thank you.
#29
General Discussion / Re: Psychosis from extreme dis...
Last post by Blueberry - January 13, 2026, 08:08:47 PMOh yeah, reviving old threads is a good idea. There's lots of really useful info and experience in old threads. I just didn't want you to be disappointed when OP doesn't respond.
#30
Successes, Progress? / Re: Post-Traumatic Joy
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 13, 2026, 08:00:46 PMI love you all to bits!