Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 06, 2026, 12:39:18 AMWorking on grief.
A year ago I unintentionally revealed a trauma to my therapist, somehow I thought she knew, and so I said something rather awful, with zero preparation. she was a little shocked although she tried not to show it. I was really upset. I was upset that I hadn't known what she knew, that I had been a bearer of bad news. I felt that I had hurt or betrayed her.
Of course, she is not my mother.
I brought her a few flowers in a little glass as an apology. She took it. The glass has remained in her office.
"Grief is only love that has no place to go."
Age 5, showing my dad a drawing. He doesn't look. A little glass in hand. A secret. "It would kill your mother." I won't tell.
"Grief is only love that has nowhere to go."
What to do when you can't use words? I spent the next day bicycling my tricycle a few doors down to a vacant lot. Picked flowers, dandelions, thistle, Queen Anne's lace, filled my basket, tricycled them back home. Piled them on the driveway. How many trips? The pile of flowers, erm, weeds, was as tall as my head as I recall. The flowers filled two trash bags. I know because when I called my mother out to see my "surprise," she stuffed them into trash bags immediately.
Grief is only love that has nowhere to go.
This week I realized that little glass is a shot glass.
This week I realized I didn't need to bring my therapist flowers. She's not betrayed that I know what I know, not hurt that I feel what I feel.
Still don't know what to do with the two trash bags of love. Or the empty glass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n952KsQg6M
A year ago I unintentionally revealed a trauma to my therapist, somehow I thought she knew, and so I said something rather awful, with zero preparation. she was a little shocked although she tried not to show it. I was really upset. I was upset that I hadn't known what she knew, that I had been a bearer of bad news. I felt that I had hurt or betrayed her.
Of course, she is not my mother.
I brought her a few flowers in a little glass as an apology. She took it. The glass has remained in her office.
"Grief is only love that has no place to go."
Age 5, showing my dad a drawing. He doesn't look. A little glass in hand. A secret. "It would kill your mother." I won't tell.
"Grief is only love that has nowhere to go."
What to do when you can't use words? I spent the next day bicycling my tricycle a few doors down to a vacant lot. Picked flowers, dandelions, thistle, Queen Anne's lace, filled my basket, tricycled them back home. Piled them on the driveway. How many trips? The pile of flowers, erm, weeds, was as tall as my head as I recall. The flowers filled two trash bags. I know because when I called my mother out to see my "surprise," she stuffed them into trash bags immediately.
Grief is only love that has nowhere to go.
This week I realized that little glass is a shot glass.
This week I realized I didn't need to bring my therapist flowers. She's not betrayed that I know what I know, not hurt that I feel what I feel.
Still don't know what to do with the two trash bags of love. Or the empty glass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n952KsQg6M
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 06, 2026, 12:29:34 AMThank you, SanMagic. I'm getting lots of practice LOL. Still sick.
When I get overwhelmed with caretaking I just go to my room and rest. No one seems to mind, they carry on their activities.
I feel so vulnerable when sick. I imagine Mr. Frank must feel that way too. He hides his illness. You can only tell because he doesn't flop stretched out when he's sick, he sits only in a "loaf" with his feet tucked under him and you can see a little tension in his cheeks. So maybe it's just a mammalian nervous system to feel scared that I'm not 100%.
When I get overwhelmed with caretaking I just go to my room and rest. No one seems to mind, they carry on their activities.
I feel so vulnerable when sick. I imagine Mr. Frank must feel that way too. He hides his illness. You can only tell because he doesn't flop stretched out when he's sick, he sits only in a "loaf" with his feet tucked under him and you can see a little tension in his cheeks. So maybe it's just a mammalian nervous system to feel scared that I'm not 100%.
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by HannahOne - February 06, 2026, 12:24:49 AMYou ARE a good human being, Marcine. Living in alignment, with courage. And breaking the cycle. 
Your children, students, and everyone here are so fortunate that you are bringing hard-earned wisdom, borne from pain and hard work of grieving, discernment, and many brave leaps.
Your children, students, and everyone here are so fortunate that you are bringing hard-earned wisdom, borne from pain and hard work of grieving, discernment, and many brave leaps.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by HannahOne - February 06, 2026, 12:12:14 AMLittletoNothing, I was so moved to read your post. Congratulations on turning 70! A foreshortened sense of the future is a symptom of PTSD. And, here you are!
I was so moved to read that you were able to talk about some difficult things with your T. That's awesome. Everything you've done till now, brought you to the point where that could happen.
You are not guilty of your abuser's actions. Coming to that awareness and taking delivery of the ramifications of that IS huge. With you in the storm.
I was so moved to read that you were able to talk about some difficult things with your T. That's awesome. Everything you've done till now, brought you to the point where that could happen.
You are not guilty of your abuser's actions. Coming to that awareness and taking delivery of the ramifications of that IS huge. With you in the storm.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by HannahOne - February 06, 2026, 12:07:41 AMSanMagic7, nice to meet another person who wears a mask. 
I'm cautious as well as partner and I are both vulnerable and we had a lot of pandemic trauma.
I'm sorry your gal pal wouldn't admit the obvious, she appears to be sick!
So glad you got some calm moments. I can relate, I feel calm comes and goes and I'd like to find the "calm button." One step is just to enjoy it, notice it when it happens and you were able to do that!
I'm cautious as well as partner and I are both vulnerable and we had a lot of pandemic trauma. I'm sorry your gal pal wouldn't admit the obvious, she appears to be sick!
So glad you got some calm moments. I can relate, I feel calm comes and goes and I'd like to find the "calm button." One step is just to enjoy it, notice it when it happens and you were able to do that!
#26
Friends / Re: Sensitivity to any ups and...
Last post by Teddy bear - February 05, 2026, 06:21:09 PMHi Pelicantown,
I've had similar situations with my older sister and some other people, including ones from a 12-step program.
My sister is fond of similar 'health hack' doctors and researchers. Since she lives in an English-speaking country, she used to send me a lot of podcasts and so on.
My reaction could vary, from no reaction and not listening to a podcast, to showing genuine interest. Sometimes we would have disagreements, which she took very personally.
We finally stopped discussing these topics, like diets. And actually, we're not in touch at all now, but there were other reasons for that.
At a 12-step program here in Russia, some people were interested in certain approaches and 'hacks' I've heard of. But sometimes they could get defensive or even passive-aggressive when I was just sharing my experience of what was helpful to me.
Generally speaking, I normally avoid similar topics: health, diet, lifestyle. I think everyone has the right to choose their own approach.
I've had similar situations with my older sister and some other people, including ones from a 12-step program.
My sister is fond of similar 'health hack' doctors and researchers. Since she lives in an English-speaking country, she used to send me a lot of podcasts and so on.
My reaction could vary, from no reaction and not listening to a podcast, to showing genuine interest. Sometimes we would have disagreements, which she took very personally.
We finally stopped discussing these topics, like diets. And actually, we're not in touch at all now, but there were other reasons for that.
At a 12-step program here in Russia, some people were interested in certain approaches and 'hacks' I've heard of. But sometimes they could get defensive or even passive-aggressive when I was just sharing my experience of what was helpful to me.
Generally speaking, I normally avoid similar topics: health, diet, lifestyle. I think everyone has the right to choose their own approach.
#27
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by Dalloway - February 05, 2026, 06:12:26 PMThank you for sharing this San, I really appreciate you writing so openly about the harsh truth of the effects of deprivation. It reminded me of my own emotional neglect, the touch deprivation from my M and her inability to validate my existence. It is unbelievably hideous because it´s invisible, because it´s not something that was done to you, it´s something you needed but didn´t get. I can feel it´s omnipotence and omnipresence in my life. Once you lose one or more pieces, you´ll probably feel their absence your whole life. It´s heartbreaking to even think about it and try to process everything the deprivation robbed you of. I´m sorry for your loss, but I hope you can find those missing pieces for yourself. 
#28
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by Kizzie - February 05, 2026, 05:43:06 PMAh San, I feel you. I wouldn't have said I was deprived before I realized in recovery that while I had a roof over my head, three meals a day, clothing, etc., the "necessities" of life as people common refer to these were not all there was. What I did NOT have was the kind of nurturing, care, warmth, safety, sense of worth, every human being needs to thrive. These things were neglected in my life and as a result like you I know now how deprived I was of the necessities of love, appreciation, worth, belonging...
I remember telling a T a long time ago I had a memory of standing outside the house where we lived and feeling like I was safer outside than inside. It always stuck with me that feeling and it was only years, decades really that I understood what it was all about. Alongside the anger and tension in my family, there was a coldness, a lack of something profound, deprivation.
There are a lot of lovely things you and I can give ourselves now and I'm down with that. I don't want to wait anymore for it to come to me, I can bring it for myself and I hope you do too.
I remember telling a T a long time ago I had a memory of standing outside the house where we lived and feeling like I was safer outside than inside. It always stuck with me that feeling and it was only years, decades really that I understood what it was all about. Alongside the anger and tension in my family, there was a coldness, a lack of something profound, deprivation.
There are a lot of lovely things you and I can give ourselves now and I'm down with that. I don't want to wait anymore for it to come to me, I can bring it for myself and I hope you do too.
#29
Friends / Sensitivity to any ups and dow...
Last post by pelicantown - February 05, 2026, 05:11:43 PMMy friend (basically only friend in my city that I see in person relatively frequently) and I recently had a conversation over a post she shared on social media. It was originally by this "health hack" type person who I'm not exactly a fan of, so I sort of initiated the conversation saying "oh hey, you follow this person?" and we went back and forth and I was sort of just saying oh I've heard he's not the best, I've heard XYZ, in a very plain tone of voice.
And for some reason she got extremely activated and acted like I was attacking her and her intelligence. I've noticed this friend often does take things very personally if I do disagree on anything or choose to do things differently than her, which I find really strange and difficult to deal with when it does happen.
Whenever these types of situations happen my mind tends to drift into - I don't want to bother having any deep conversations or bother starting any conversations that go beyond surface level because there's a chance I can end up in negative scenarios like this. And I feel like this is a huge stuck point for me.
Just wondering if anyone can relate or has "solved" this before.
And for some reason she got extremely activated and acted like I was attacking her and her intelligence. I've noticed this friend often does take things very personally if I do disagree on anything or choose to do things differently than her, which I find really strange and difficult to deal with when it does happen.
Whenever these types of situations happen my mind tends to drift into - I don't want to bother having any deep conversations or bother starting any conversations that go beyond surface level because there's a chance I can end up in negative scenarios like this. And I feel like this is a huge stuck point for me.
Just wondering if anyone can relate or has "solved" this before.
#30
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by Marcine - February 05, 2026, 03:49:06 PMSan, I feel this deeply— your precise choice of words, your courage in squaring up with the awareness of the far-reaching impact woven in to so many experiences and memories.
Deprivation.
Deprived of.
Needs unmet.
Longing.
Unnatural treatment.
(Reading what you wrote, it poked awake a slew of dormant memories of my own deprivation. Thank you, I want to meet those memories.)
I sense natural you, very much alive and buoyant. Irrepressible and present. Your courage shines.
As you go into the breach, know you are not alone.
Shoulder to shoulder, friend.
Deprivation.
Deprived of.
Needs unmet.
Longing.
Unnatural treatment.
(Reading what you wrote, it poked awake a slew of dormant memories of my own deprivation. Thank you, I want to meet those memories.)
I sense natural you, very much alive and buoyant. Irrepressible and present. Your courage shines.
As you go into the breach, know you are not alone.
Shoulder to shoulder, friend.