Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 13, 2026, 03:14:43 PMNK, thank you for allowing all the information on empathy to stand here. it was quite distressing to me on some level, but so informative on another, explaining so much i didn't understand about my self.
one piece that i related to was the idea of being the giver/fixer, hoping someone would give and fix for me. that came from the idea of leading by example. i remember many times thinking how i loved someone the way i wanted to be loved, but no one ever picked up on it, and that confused me. i think i simply became enmeshed in my own wants and needs w/o being able to understand that others could never see them. what a fruitless way to live, altho seeing it as trauma-based makes it bearable.
whew! i hope your own FOO circus calms down and you can eventually understand your own being in the midst of it. love and hugs
one piece that i related to was the idea of being the giver/fixer, hoping someone would give and fix for me. that came from the idea of leading by example. i remember many times thinking how i loved someone the way i wanted to be loved, but no one ever picked up on it, and that confused me. i think i simply became enmeshed in my own wants and needs w/o being able to understand that others could never see them. what a fruitless way to live, altho seeing it as trauma-based makes it bearable.
whew! i hope your own FOO circus calms down and you can eventually understand your own being in the midst of it. love and hugs
#22
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: opening up to support
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 13, 2026, 03:03:43 PMWelcome, Moshi 
You're not alone here. What you described makes sense, and I hope this space helps you feel seen, understood, and supported as you find your way through it.
(If that's ok)
You're not alone here. What you described makes sense, and I hope this space helps you feel seen, understood, and supported as you find your way through it.
(If that's ok)
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 13, 2026, 02:57:48 PMSending support
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 13, 2026, 02:46:15 PMQuote from: Dalloway on February 11, 2026, 07:15:35 PMSenseOrgan, I read your latest post with a smile on my face and a joy in my heart.
my smile for you and your experiences is still here, SO. so much fun in what you wrote. flirting? maybe? why not? it's one of the most fun things i've found in life. being present, stating boundaries, showing yourself as carefree w/ those shelves. the shelves story is one for the books. well done on all fronts! love and hugs
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 13, 2026, 02:37:00 PMMcEntyre Childrens' Shelter. Pittsburgh, 1974.
My sister and I simultaneously requested our records from our time in the foster care system. She asked me about my memories from that period and urged me to write it all down. Like me, she's trying to rebuild a coherent timeline.
I won't attempt all that in one sitting, but I'm just going to put everything I can recall here.
My sister and I simultaneously requested our records from our time in the foster care system. She asked me about my memories from that period and urged me to write it all down. Like me, she's trying to rebuild a coherent timeline.
I won't attempt all that in one sitting, but I'm just going to put everything I can recall here.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 13, 2026, 02:34:56 PMhannah1, i'm here w/ you as well. just went thru the whole breast cancer thing w/ my D starting last year. she's on meds for the next 5 yrs. now, but she's already told me that if it decides to come back, she's having the mastectomy. it was such a horrible experience for her, and just as you described, simply horrible to have to go thru all the things, all the decisions, all the pain, worry, thought processes, more worry - and you're raising kids, so you have that on top of everything else!
so glad you came here. we are your safety net when you have to walk higher than ever before on that thin line of decision. thank you for sharing. much love and a hug filled w/ clarity and strength.
so glad you came here. we are your safety net when you have to walk higher than ever before on that thin line of decision. thank you for sharing. much love and a hug filled w/ clarity and strength.
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 13, 2026, 02:19:17 PM
can't say it better than hannah1, bach. as we've said here many times, this, too, shall pass. it's one of the few platitudes i believe in and am comfortable with, and i hope you are, too. love and hugs #28
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 13, 2026, 02:19:00 PMThe frustration of amnesia:
An individual identifies "self" by the collection of his or her experiences and experiences are recorded as memories. It's the Star Trek transporter paradox; if I step into the transporter and another identical copy of me is generated with my memory, is that person still me? Or did I die and now some clone is wandering around?
My memories are jumbled, chaotic, and at least some are absent. That means I am not fully defined. Who am "I"? Am I even myself?
This started with my recounting of a severe weather event I had personally lived through: The "Cleveland Superbomb" blizzard of 1978. I then looked up other extreme weather events I had personally experienced. "The Storm of the Century", 1993. "Iowa's Katrina" flood, 2008. "Midwest Derecho", 2020. These served as useful timestamps for me, so I googled more severe weather events I experienced.
I found the May 31, 1985 Pennsylvania tornado outbreak. One of the deadliest in US history.
It occurred where I lived and I have absolutely no recollection of it ever having happened.
I dug deeper and discovered that I have no recollection of ANY major news events whatsoever roughly April through September 1985. And they were big events.
I sat there like a coma patient, reading news stories that happened but I was totally unaware of.
I remember most stuff prior and post, but that stretch is an inky void where I seemingly wasn't even on the planet or not conscious.
Is this proximal to a traumatic event? What happened to me in summer 1985? Now that I've seen the discrepancy, I cannot unsee it.
An individual identifies "self" by the collection of his or her experiences and experiences are recorded as memories. It's the Star Trek transporter paradox; if I step into the transporter and another identical copy of me is generated with my memory, is that person still me? Or did I die and now some clone is wandering around?
My memories are jumbled, chaotic, and at least some are absent. That means I am not fully defined. Who am "I"? Am I even myself?
This started with my recounting of a severe weather event I had personally lived through: The "Cleveland Superbomb" blizzard of 1978. I then looked up other extreme weather events I had personally experienced. "The Storm of the Century", 1993. "Iowa's Katrina" flood, 2008. "Midwest Derecho", 2020. These served as useful timestamps for me, so I googled more severe weather events I experienced.
I found the May 31, 1985 Pennsylvania tornado outbreak. One of the deadliest in US history.
It occurred where I lived and I have absolutely no recollection of it ever having happened.
I dug deeper and discovered that I have no recollection of ANY major news events whatsoever roughly April through September 1985. And they were big events.
I sat there like a coma patient, reading news stories that happened but I was totally unaware of.
I remember most stuff prior and post, but that stretch is an inky void where I seemingly wasn't even on the planet or not conscious.
Is this proximal to a traumatic event? What happened to me in summer 1985? Now that I've seen the discrepancy, I cannot unsee it.
#29
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 13, 2026, 02:16:35 PMthanks for the validation, TBB. it's so true, isn't it?
NK, the idea of touch being both therapeutic and dangerous - yeah, i totally agree. it can also be soothing, comforting, a means just to let someone know you're there with them, and letting someone know they're cared for, cared about, not alone in the struggle. there are certain people who i get a vibe from and i already know i don't want them touching me.
besides physical touch, there's also mental and emotional touch, at least how i perceive it. a stimulating conversation can brighten and sharpen our mental wits - we feel heard and we can hear, exchange ideas and opinions that boosts our brains in a pos. way, and we leave the conversation feeling better for having it. and emotional touch, well, that vulnerability we want and don't want, want more of and pull away from. but when it clicks, hardly anything feels better than to have such an intimate experience with another human being. we leave that interaction feeling fulfilled, satisfied, content, and wanting more at the same time.
being deprived of any of these touches, to my mind, makes for a lifetime struggle, one that is of the push me-pull you type. we struggle to find it, we struggle to be comfortable with it, we struggle to initiate it, we struggle to stay present with it. so much. deprivation, as i'm learning here, has so many layers to it on so many fronts. abuse of the most insidious form causing trauma with some of the most overreaching effects.
NK, the idea of touch being both therapeutic and dangerous - yeah, i totally agree. it can also be soothing, comforting, a means just to let someone know you're there with them, and letting someone know they're cared for, cared about, not alone in the struggle. there are certain people who i get a vibe from and i already know i don't want them touching me.
besides physical touch, there's also mental and emotional touch, at least how i perceive it. a stimulating conversation can brighten and sharpen our mental wits - we feel heard and we can hear, exchange ideas and opinions that boosts our brains in a pos. way, and we leave the conversation feeling better for having it. and emotional touch, well, that vulnerability we want and don't want, want more of and pull away from. but when it clicks, hardly anything feels better than to have such an intimate experience with another human being. we leave that interaction feeling fulfilled, satisfied, content, and wanting more at the same time.
being deprived of any of these touches, to my mind, makes for a lifetime struggle, one that is of the push me-pull you type. we struggle to find it, we struggle to be comfortable with it, we struggle to initiate it, we struggle to stay present with it. so much. deprivation, as i'm learning here, has so many layers to it on so many fronts. abuse of the most insidious form causing trauma with some of the most overreaching effects.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 13, 2026, 01:36:27 PMA few updates and personal notes.
The experience of cPTSD vs the popular misconceptions...
-You cannot describe the symptoms of dissociation to someone who's dissociated most or all of the time. What does "not in the moment" even mean to someone who's never in the moment in the first place? The big tell of dissociation is amnesia. That is relatable. "Proximal dissociative amnesia" means a gap in time that was very messily removed. For me that's the summer of '85 (more on that later). "Generalized dissociative amnesia" is spans of years or even decades where memories are like a collage that was ripped apart and then taped together at random. No coherent timeline or context.
-"Hypervigilance" isn't Uncle Ted hiding in the corner with a 12 gauge freaking out because "Gomer's in the wire". It's adopting the persona of the "Slavic girl" trope. I love you and want to trust you, but I can't. I can do a fair impression of trust for a while, but I can never be someone who even wants you in my house. "I'm sorry you have feelings. Must be exhausting".
-"Triggers" aren't people saying things that piss you off. They are much more subtle and random. The smell of pennies, the sound of a snippet of a specific song from 1974, a certain pattern of linoleum or shade of mauve, the toot of a switching locomotive in the night. The response is somatic, but not "you made me mad so now I'm going to act childish".
-"Flashback" isn't a terror sequence where Uncle Ted suddenly goes spastic. A flashback is where a previous memory suddenly resurfaces and you don't merely "remember" it, but fully experience it for the first time. It may be a happy memory, innocuous, or traumatic. It may be total-recall or emotional. But there is only ever one "flashback" per repressed memory. After that, it's just a memory like all the rest. The somatic response isn't violence, but rather stunned silence.
-"Hyperarousal" isn't sitting in the corner weeping, shaking and twitching. I mean... It kinda is, but it's not that over- the- top caricature of it. It's more like a slow adrenaline leak that continues for weeks. You're vibrating like a string, suffering from insomnia and non- restful sleep, jumpy. In my case, it comes with fibromyalgia. It's exhausting and impairs your ability to function. Unlike hypervigilance, it's not always there.
The experience of cPTSD vs the popular misconceptions...
-You cannot describe the symptoms of dissociation to someone who's dissociated most or all of the time. What does "not in the moment" even mean to someone who's never in the moment in the first place?
The big tell of dissociation is amnesia. That is relatable. "Proximal dissociative amnesia" means a gap in time that was very messily removed. For me that's the summer of '85 (more on that later). "Generalized dissociative amnesia" is spans of years or even decades where memories are like a collage that was ripped apart and then taped together at random. No coherent timeline or context.-"Hypervigilance" isn't Uncle Ted hiding in the corner with a 12 gauge freaking out because "Gomer's in the wire". It's adopting the persona of the "Slavic girl" trope. I love you and want to trust you, but I can't. I can do a fair impression of trust for a while, but I can never be someone who even wants you in my house. "I'm sorry you have feelings. Must be exhausting".
-"Triggers" aren't people saying things that piss you off. They are much more subtle and random. The smell of pennies, the sound of a snippet of a specific song from 1974, a certain pattern of linoleum or shade of mauve, the toot of a switching locomotive in the night. The response is somatic, but not "you made me mad so now I'm going to act childish".
-"Flashback" isn't a terror sequence where Uncle Ted suddenly goes spastic. A flashback is where a previous memory suddenly resurfaces and you don't merely "remember" it, but fully experience it for the first time. It may be a happy memory, innocuous, or traumatic. It may be total-recall or emotional. But there is only ever one "flashback" per repressed memory. After that, it's just a memory like all the rest. The somatic response isn't violence, but rather stunned silence.
-"Hyperarousal" isn't sitting in the corner weeping, shaking and twitching. I mean... It kinda is, but it's not that over- the- top caricature of it. It's more like a slow adrenaline leak that continues for weeks. You're vibrating like a string, suffering from insomnia and non- restful sleep, jumpy. In my case, it comes with fibromyalgia. It's exhausting and impairs your ability to function. Unlike hypervigilance, it's not always there.