Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 15, 2026, 12:28:54 PMSan, good for you. It makes complete sense that this stirs grief, fatigue, and a bit of "ugh, do I really have to do this again?" energy. And still, you're doing it with clarity, agency, and self-respect. That is huge. That's a nervous system learning it no longer has to settle.
I'm really glad you let us walk alongside you through this. Here is hoping the next step lands differently - third time's the charm. 🤍
I'm really glad you let us walk alongside you through this. Here is hoping the next step lands differently - third time's the charm. 🤍
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Desert Flower - January 15, 2026, 12:28:24 PMVery well done San, even if that results in not having found the right therapist yet. It's very important we let people know how we feel, that's therapeutic in itself imo.
So
and
some more.
So
and
some more.
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - January 15, 2026, 12:15:12 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on January 14, 2026, 03:58:59 PMI am so with you on thatAnd thank you for that too NK! Made me smile.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Blue Sky Blooming
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 15, 2026, 12:08:55 PMdang, blue sky, i hate those anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere, no triggers to just grab onto. i deal w/ those on a reg. basis before bed, so i know there's something there but i haven't quite pinpointed it yet. i also have those surprise types that knock me upside the head, so to speak.
i had that similar message from my F that 'average' was not good enough, not in my grades nor in how i lived my life. striving to live up to the expectation of perfection is not only impossible, but exhausting. i strive to be average now, but even that can be tricky. i think 'pass' is a good thing to strive for, and congrats on achieving that!
sending an extra hug to your self, if that's ok. and some love. glad you're here.
i had that similar message from my F that 'average' was not good enough, not in my grades nor in how i lived my life. striving to live up to the expectation of perfection is not only impossible, but exhausting. i strive to be average now, but even that can be tricky. i think 'pass' is a good thing to strive for, and congrats on achieving that!
sending an extra hug to your self, if that's ok. and some love. glad you're here.
#25
Symptoms - Other / Re: Schrodingers jealousy
Last post by Desert Flower - January 15, 2026, 11:57:46 AMQuote from: NarcKiddo on January 14, 2026, 03:30:44 PMI was now in a position of being told to be jealous and at the same time not jealous.I sounds to me like your M 'knew' you would be jealous (which might actually say more about her than about you, but I'll leave that aside) and what was actually implied was for you to not feel it. Maybe, as far as she was concerned, it would be okay for you to 'be' jealous (or any emotion), as long as you did't feel it, or if at least you didn't show you felt it. If that makes any sense. At least, that is how I relate to this. And I can certainly see how that would be very confusing. And that would also make it hard now to know what you feel at all.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 15, 2026, 11:55:46 AMthanks, SO. i looked it up, lots of different translations, but i get it. jetzt geht's los indeed! thank you so much for all your support!
TBB and DF - you both made me smile. thanks so much for your encouragement and support. 
well, i sent it - it was rather short, to the point, but i ended by saying that all the distress and the neg. feelings that came up didn't seem compatible with a healthy therapeutic relationship, so i'm terminating ours and cancelling the appt. next week.
she wrote back that she was sorry i had so much distress, and hoped i could find someone who will be helpful.
so, that's #2 now that i've spoken w/ and rejected. first was that labelling guy a few weeks ago. i think i got complacent cuz my former T i met and we got on right from the go and were together 5 yrs., 2x/week, and nary a problem. this feels kind of grueling, but i know i need it - even if i don't want to!
TBB and DF - you both made me smile. thanks so much for your encouragement and support.
well, i sent it - it was rather short, to the point, but i ended by saying that all the distress and the neg. feelings that came up didn't seem compatible with a healthy therapeutic relationship, so i'm terminating ours and cancelling the appt. next week.
she wrote back that she was sorry i had so much distress, and hoped i could find someone who will be helpful.
so, that's #2 now that i've spoken w/ and rejected. first was that labelling guy a few weeks ago. i think i got complacent cuz my former T i met and we got on right from the go and were together 5 yrs., 2x/week, and nary a problem. this feels kind of grueling, but i know i need it - even if i don't want to!
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Desert Flower - January 15, 2026, 11:25:08 AMHey Dalloway, just wanted to say I'm with you and I can feel your sadness too. No we did not choose or make this road did we. Just this week, I was feeling like it might be pointless myself. It's a part of me that thinks that. But I read something today in BlueSky's journal: It's okay if we don't believe right now it will get better. That's okay.
That brought me some acceptance and relief somehow. Maybe it will help you too. If not, please disregard.
Just wanted to wish you well.
That brought me some acceptance and relief somehow. Maybe it will help you too. If not, please disregard.
Just wanted to wish you well.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - January 15, 2026, 11:11:22 AMThanks again, everyone.
Papa Coco:
Authenticity and Connection. Those are key imo.
And SO, about what you said/suggested regarding the company doctor, thank you for your helpful comments. These are good suggestions. I generally do not even think of this possibility to take someone with me, it's a very strong pattern to think I have to do everything myself. In this case, it will be a telephone appointment. And I did talk to this particular company doctor before and my impression is he is okay and on my side. He already knows about the trauma and the psychological help I had before. He's seen a vulnerable side of me already. So it will not be that hard to explain I'm not yet where we would like to be. The most important thing now, in my mind, is to explain to him that I think this situation will more likely be permanant (or long term at least) than temporary. And that it may/will require some adjustments to make my situation sustainable, as you said.
Spoke to the GP this morning and got the referral to the Psychiatrist I found.
Still awfully tired. Didn't sleep all to well, because first my daughter snuggled into bed late last night to talk, which is precious actually and nice too, and after that I thought I heard a mouse in the room and that made it hard to relax and sleep. Hoping to catch some sleep later.
Other than that, I am a little more relaxed now that I found the Psychiatrist, I'm really happy about that.
Papa Coco:
Authenticity and Connection. Those are key imo.And SO, about what you said/suggested regarding the company doctor, thank you for your helpful comments. These are good suggestions. I generally do not even think of this possibility to take someone with me, it's a very strong pattern to think I have to do everything myself. In this case, it will be a telephone appointment. And I did talk to this particular company doctor before and my impression is he is okay and on my side. He already knows about the trauma and the psychological help I had before. He's seen a vulnerable side of me already. So it will not be that hard to explain I'm not yet where we would like to be. The most important thing now, in my mind, is to explain to him that I think this situation will more likely be permanant (or long term at least) than temporary. And that it may/will require some adjustments to make my situation sustainable, as you said.
Spoke to the GP this morning and got the referral to the Psychiatrist I found.
Still awfully tired. Didn't sleep all to well, because first my daughter snuggled into bed late last night to talk, which is precious actually and nice too, and after that I thought I heard a mouse in the room and that made it hard to relax and sleep. Hoping to catch some sleep later.
Other than that, I am a little more relaxed now that I found the Psychiatrist, I'm really happy about that.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Chart - January 15, 2026, 10:04:24 AM Very cool Agency, DF.
It's good to know that actions we take, however hard and complex, can achieve things.
Step by step, understanding, growth, movement on the path.
Love and hugs.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - January 15, 2026, 09:50:40 AMQuote from: Ran on January 13, 2026, 07:26:05 PMI'm not sure how I am standing. It's a complete miracle while also having born weak.Ran, I hear your struggle. It sounds very hard... and very familiar. I agree there is something "miraculous" in your story. That you are still fighting and living shows the power of your resilience. When one part of us is weak, another part compensates with strength.
From what you describe, I would agree that your symptoms are neurological. And it seems clear it comes from trauma.
This is the condition we are in and must try to understand and grow through. It's hard, but I believe it's not impossible (most days :-)
Finding health and balance after trauma is the hardest thing we can face.
Sending love and support.
Chart