Recent posts
#21
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 11, 2026, 04:13:40 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on February 11, 2026, 01:51:22 PMQuotethanks to frank for all his wisdom, too, in showing us the way.🐇 🐰
🤍
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 11, 2026, 04:06:39 PMChart - the Schore video you posted a few weeks ago, together with your question here, made me think deeply about empathy.
In the video, Prof. Schore mentioned that empathy is largely a right-hemisphere function, and that he was preparing to speak to a large group of lawyers about how trauma affects empathy.
My immediate reaction was almost offended:
"Wait - if anything, I have too much empathy."
If someone starts telling a story - especially one involving animals - I often stop them and say, "If anyone gets hurt or dies, I don't want to hear it."
For them, it's a two-minute anecdote.
For me, it can be a lifetime of pain that I feel in my body.
So I paused Schore's video and asked myself a question:
Do people with CPTSD have less empathy - or more?
Here's how I now understand it.
Complex Relational Trauma, Empathy, and Why CPTSD Survivers Can Feel "Too Much"
1. Trauma does not reduce the capacity for empathy.
In fact, many CPTSD survivors show heightened empathic sensitivity.
But what trauma does impair is something more subtle - but crucial:
The ability to feel others' emotions without losing oneself.
2. Empathy needs a stable self to rest on
In healthy development:
a child develops a cohesive sense of self through safe, consistent co-regulation. Empathy then emerges on top of that self. You can feel with others - and return to yourself.
In CPTSD, especially developmental trauma:
inner safety was never reliably established; the "self" remains fragile or underdeveloped. Empathy develops anyway - but it has nowhere stable to land. So instead of empathy sitting on top of the self ... empathy can end up replacing the self.
What that looks like in real life:
- you don't just observe another's pain, but you become flooded by it
- you lose track of your own needs
- your nervous system reacts as if the pain were your own
=> This isn't kindness gone wrong.
It's a trauma adaptation.
What looks like "too much empathy" is often a combination of:
threat detection ("I must feel what others feel - to anticipate danger, prevent harm, or preserve connection") AND
hyper-attunement without regulation.
3. Right-brain dominance without right-brain safety
Neuroscience helps explain this:
- empathy, emotional resonance, and nonverbal communication are largely right-hemisphere functions;
- trauma, especially early trauma, leads to right-brain dominance
- but without secure attachment, that right brain develops without safety
=> So you get:
- intense emotional resonance
- exquisite sensitivity
- fast detection of distress
- but without the ability to modulate, contain, or step back.
That's why stories hurt. That's why we get pulled into the runarounds of our FOO's. Not because we are weak - but because our nervous systems never learned boundaries for empathy.
4. For completeness: CPTSD does not look the same in everyone
Survivors can also oscillate between two poles:
A. Trauma-based hyper-empathy:
- intense
- involuntary
- exhausting
- boundary-less
=> It feels like: "I feel what you feel because I had to - not because I choose to."
B. Empathy shutdown / dissociation:
- emotional numbing
- withdrawal
- reduced resonance
5. Why this matters in daily life
This helps explain why:
- other people's obliviousness feels shocking or cruel
- we're exhausted by "small" stories others shrug off
- we struggle to know when to put ourselves first
- we feel deeply - but often feel unseen in return
6. Something I found online that made me cry (unknown source)
"When a person grows up feeling unseen, they learn to love by overgiving.
They pour into everyone else, hoping that one day, someone will finally pour back into them.
They become the caretaker, the fixer - the one who shows up even when no one shows up for them.
And the hardest part?
Deep down, they're not trying to be strong.
They're just waiting for someone to do for them what they've spent their whole life doing for everyone else."
So, Chart, maybe the 'obliviousness' comes from a collision:
The parents who traumatized us came from different maladaptive directions
— some narcissistic/extractive
— some boundary-collapsing (horizontal enmeshment) and need-driven
— some avoidant or dissociative
Those patterns then crash into a child's survival adaptations
— hyper-attunement and awareness
— fawning
— unregulated co-empathy
— self-erasure
And what emerges is exactly what hurts so deeply: the feeling that something fundamentally human - reciprocal empathy - is missing.
Maybe the work isn't to harden ourselves against people who seem oblivious, but to build enough inner safety that empathy no longer requires us to disappear.
Not less empathy - but regulated empathy.🙂
How? I don't have this fully figured out yet, but it likely involves:
- building a cohesive inner self
- learning that empathy can be chosen, not automatic
- discovering that you can feel with someone without losing yourself.
[NK, apologies for rambling so long in your journal; I can move this out if you prefer
]
In the video, Prof. Schore mentioned that empathy is largely a right-hemisphere function, and that he was preparing to speak to a large group of lawyers about how trauma affects empathy.
My immediate reaction was almost offended:
"Wait - if anything, I have too much empathy."
If someone starts telling a story - especially one involving animals - I often stop them and say, "If anyone gets hurt or dies, I don't want to hear it."
For them, it's a two-minute anecdote.
For me, it can be a lifetime of pain that I feel in my body.
So I paused Schore's video and asked myself a question:
Do people with CPTSD have less empathy - or more?
Here's how I now understand it.
Complex Relational Trauma, Empathy, and Why CPTSD Survivers Can Feel "Too Much"
1. Trauma does not reduce the capacity for empathy.
In fact, many CPTSD survivors show heightened empathic sensitivity.
But what trauma does impair is something more subtle - but crucial:
The ability to feel others' emotions without losing oneself.
2. Empathy needs a stable self to rest on
In healthy development:
a child develops a cohesive sense of self through safe, consistent co-regulation. Empathy then emerges on top of that self. You can feel with others - and return to yourself.
In CPTSD, especially developmental trauma:
inner safety was never reliably established; the "self" remains fragile or underdeveloped. Empathy develops anyway - but it has nowhere stable to land. So instead of empathy sitting on top of the self ... empathy can end up replacing the self.
What that looks like in real life:
- you don't just observe another's pain, but you become flooded by it
- you lose track of your own needs
- your nervous system reacts as if the pain were your own
=> This isn't kindness gone wrong.
It's a trauma adaptation.
What looks like "too much empathy" is often a combination of:
threat detection ("I must feel what others feel - to anticipate danger, prevent harm, or preserve connection") AND
hyper-attunement without regulation.
3. Right-brain dominance without right-brain safety
Neuroscience helps explain this:
- empathy, emotional resonance, and nonverbal communication are largely right-hemisphere functions;
- trauma, especially early trauma, leads to right-brain dominance
- but without secure attachment, that right brain develops without safety
=> So you get:
- intense emotional resonance
- exquisite sensitivity
- fast detection of distress
- but without the ability to modulate, contain, or step back.
That's why stories hurt. That's why we get pulled into the runarounds of our FOO's. Not because we are weak - but because our nervous systems never learned boundaries for empathy.
4. For completeness: CPTSD does not look the same in everyone
Survivors can also oscillate between two poles:
A. Trauma-based hyper-empathy:
- intense
- involuntary
- exhausting
- boundary-less
=> It feels like: "I feel what you feel because I had to - not because I choose to."
B. Empathy shutdown / dissociation:
- emotional numbing
- withdrawal
- reduced resonance
5. Why this matters in daily life
This helps explain why:
- other people's obliviousness feels shocking or cruel
- we're exhausted by "small" stories others shrug off
- we struggle to know when to put ourselves first
- we feel deeply - but often feel unseen in return
6. Something I found online that made me cry (unknown source)
"When a person grows up feeling unseen, they learn to love by overgiving.
They pour into everyone else, hoping that one day, someone will finally pour back into them.
They become the caretaker, the fixer - the one who shows up even when no one shows up for them.
And the hardest part?
Deep down, they're not trying to be strong.
They're just waiting for someone to do for them what they've spent their whole life doing for everyone else."
So, Chart, maybe the 'obliviousness' comes from a collision:
The parents who traumatized us came from different maladaptive directions
— some narcissistic/extractive
— some boundary-collapsing (horizontal enmeshment) and need-driven
— some avoidant or dissociative
Those patterns then crash into a child's survival adaptations
— hyper-attunement and awareness
— fawning
— unregulated co-empathy
— self-erasure
And what emerges is exactly what hurts so deeply: the feeling that something fundamentally human - reciprocal empathy - is missing.
Maybe the work isn't to harden ourselves against people who seem oblivious, but to build enough inner safety that empathy no longer requires us to disappear.
Not less empathy - but regulated empathy.🙂
How? I don't have this fully figured out yet, but it likely involves:
- building a cohesive inner self
- learning that empathy can be chosen, not automatic
- discovering that you can feel with someone without losing yourself.
[NK, apologies for rambling so long in your journal; I can move this out if you prefer
] #23
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 11, 2026, 02:06:02 PMchart, very sorry about your estrangement with your D - i know mine does it as a punishment to me cuz she's so very, very angry at me, has been most of her life. i've offered to go to therapy w/ her, but she's refused every time. i believe it's cuz she knows the truth will come out and she wouldn't be able to bully her way out of that w/ yet another T. and, so, yes, as you say, we never give up on those who love us back. there have been so few, but i know my life is better for letting the rest go. still, there's a hole in my heart where D1 belongs. i just live w/ it and focus on the other things/people who give to me as well as take what i can offer. thank you for your support and wisdom.
i'm doing ok today. grocery store and library, just waiting for my D to wake up so i know what to get for us. she's still too sick to do anything. we've decided this is more than stress flu - lots of coughing gunk. she thinks she got it from a friend she saw last week. i've just been grateful that i've felt good enough to take up the slack, make food, do extra chores and the like. just more stress. bring it on!!!
i'm doing ok today. grocery store and library, just waiting for my D to wake up so i know what to get for us. she's still too sick to do anything. we've decided this is more than stress flu - lots of coughing gunk. she thinks she got it from a friend she saw last week. i've just been grateful that i've felt good enough to take up the slack, make food, do extra chores and the like. just more stress. bring it on!!!
#24
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 11, 2026, 01:51:22 PMQuoteOur nervous system is like that of any mammal, it needs touch to regulate itself. Being deprived of that is part of the injury to our nervous system in CPTSD. It makes it harder for us to regulate emotionally.
Thanks, hannah1. injury to our nervous system feels right on the money. and the rest of what you wrote here sure speaks to my own difficulty w/ regulating my emotions. they're either non-existent or blasting away full force most of the time. amazing to me once again how far reaching this goes. thanks to frank for all his wisdom, too, in showing us the way.
#25
General Discussion / Re: Help understanding dissoci...
Last post by Teddy bear - February 11, 2026, 01:20:22 PMHi Noraw,
Thanks for sharing
It sounds a bit like me: I do often procrastinate in an absent state, when I can't get myself together. Sometimes I am even not aware, I think, of it's happening.
Just looking for a solution, so decided to drop a line here.
As Deepseek wrote:
"One thing that's can be helpful is not trying to 'force' myself out of it — just noticing it without judgment, and sometimes setting a 5-minute timer to just sit here and exist. It doesn't always work, but it takes the pressure off."
In a similar manner I manage to do some stuff sometimes. But I am still learning how to deal with dissociation and going to read about it again (haven't done lately).
I don't have DID diagnosis either.
Anyway, welcome here
Hopefully this place will be helpful for you,
Cheers
Thanks for sharing
It sounds a bit like me: I do often procrastinate in an absent state, when I can't get myself together. Sometimes I am even not aware, I think, of it's happening.
Just looking for a solution, so decided to drop a line here.
As Deepseek wrote:
"One thing that's can be helpful is not trying to 'force' myself out of it — just noticing it without judgment, and sometimes setting a 5-minute timer to just sit here and exist. It doesn't always work, but it takes the pressure off."
In a similar manner I manage to do some stuff sometimes. But I am still learning how to deal with dissociation and going to read about it again (haven't done lately).
I don't have DID diagnosis either.
Anyway, welcome here
Hopefully this place will be helpful for you,
Cheers
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Chart - February 11, 2026, 10:03:58 AMNK, this makes me wonder where Empathy comes from. There is the possibility to think of others, but knowing when to put yourself first. And, whatever path we take, we communicate and exchange, anticipating (if only a little) what the impact on others might be... Why do so many foo seem absolutely oblivious to something I believe is a fundamental aspect of being human? I'm very sorry for your runaround... seems like just one more thing to anticipate in the future. I think we hesitate less and less to stop playing the games so often organized in a disingenuous guise of innocence. (that was a weird sentence :-)
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by Chart - February 11, 2026, 07:05:39 AMQuote from: Marcine on February 09, 2026, 03:20:49 PMand a thousand mile gaze out to the vast, possible next steps ahead.Living in the moment but always moving forward.
#28
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by HannahOne - February 11, 2026, 03:32:18 AMSanMagic7, Just reading this today. I was thinking today as I hugged one of my teenagers about touch deprivation. My teen grabbed me and hugged me, I was a bit surprised, but melted into it, scratched her back while we hugged thinking consciously "she needs some touch." And then thinking, I never got this. And how essential it is.
Mr. Frank the rabbit needs his daily down-regulation of being touched. Without it he gets depressed, lackluster, stares hunched. He grooms himself religiously, but it's not enough. He needs to be groomed, I have to pull at his little forehead hairs as a bun wife would, and he needs to groom me in return, he licks my face frantically while I groom him, it's his instinct to give and receive. After being groomed, he relaxes into a giant flop nd you can feel the relaxed energy vibes flowing off him, his heart rate variability is chill, his breathing even, endorphins flowing. This is all his birthright as a rabbit. It's what he should have.
Our nervous system is like that of any mammal, it needs touch to regulate itself. Being deprived of that is part of the injury to our nervous system in CPTSD. It makes it harder for us to regulate emotionally. And leaves us feeling ill at east in our bodies as you describe so clearly. We had a birthright to appropriate touch. It's what you should have had.
Thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm so sorry it was your experience. It's so helpful to read how others put into words what CPTSD is.
Mr. Frank the rabbit needs his daily down-regulation of being touched. Without it he gets depressed, lackluster, stares hunched. He grooms himself religiously, but it's not enough. He needs to be groomed, I have to pull at his little forehead hairs as a bun wife would, and he needs to groom me in return, he licks my face frantically while I groom him, it's his instinct to give and receive. After being groomed, he relaxes into a giant flop nd you can feel the relaxed energy vibes flowing off him, his heart rate variability is chill, his breathing even, endorphins flowing. This is all his birthright as a rabbit. It's what he should have.
Our nervous system is like that of any mammal, it needs touch to regulate itself. Being deprived of that is part of the injury to our nervous system in CPTSD. It makes it harder for us to regulate emotionally. And leaves us feeling ill at east in our bodies as you describe so clearly. We had a birthright to appropriate touch. It's what you should have had.
Thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm so sorry it was your experience. It's so helpful to read how others put into words what CPTSD is.
#29
Symptoms - Other / Re: Freeze response after nigh...
Last post by Stussy7 - February 11, 2026, 02:08:42 AMThank you all so much for your replies! I know it was a really random question, but I appreciate your help.
Very helpful suggestions! Next time i will try and talk about it, but if that's too hard i will write about it in my journal.
Thanks again
Very helpful suggestions! Next time i will try and talk about it, but if that's too hard i will write about it in my journal.
Thanks again
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by HannahOne - February 11, 2026, 12:58:29 AMReading your post felt like riding the merrygoround that was my FOO. Gosh, they just take us in circles, and no direct communication can be had!! YOU are not a fool, NarcKiddo. That's just what it feels like to be around people who play these kinds of games. We feel resentful, we regret. That's the feelings of anyone in the presence of this kind of foolery that they do.
You did what you could do, and you can be proud of that, and, in the end, they are impossible to help. That's their failure, not yours. I hope you are able to get some rest, feel grounded in your own self, and return to your regularly scheduled programming, whatever is good, right and true in your world that you can focus on for your own benefit, for your own happiness.
You did what you could do, and you can be proud of that, and, in the end, they are impossible to help. That's their failure, not yours. I hope you are able to get some rest, feel grounded in your own self, and return to your regularly scheduled programming, whatever is good, right and true in your world that you can focus on for your own benefit, for your own happiness.