Recent posts
#21
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 12:35:34 AMHi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Ashley 
Glad you found us and I hope you'll settle in and feel comfortable soon.
Glad you found us and I hope you'll settle in and feel comfortable soon. #22
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 12, 2026, 10:20:20 PMSan, I've been thinking of you today and really hope the appointment with the new T went as gently as possible.
Given what you shared, it makes so much sense that safety, stability, and being truly heard are the most important things right now. Any trauma-informed therapist should understand that co-regulation, attunement, and careful listening come before doing anything else.
You deserve care that meets you where you are, without pushing or rushing any parts (named or unnamed). I hope today brought even a small sense of steadiness.
Given what you shared, it makes so much sense that safety, stability, and being truly heard are the most important things right now. Any trauma-informed therapist should understand that co-regulation, attunement, and careful listening come before doing anything else.
You deserve care that meets you where you are, without pushing or rushing any parts (named or unnamed). I hope today brought even a small sense of steadiness.
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - January 12, 2026, 07:24:37 PMChart, Narc, San: 
Hugs back to all of you.
San,
I agree. We are stronger together. I am in the middle of another episode where my credit card was skimmed somewhere and now I've got a ton of repair work to do to get a new card up and running so I can buy gas and groceries again. This is a Costco Visa, and I shop at Costco as my main source for groceries. So I've spent a couple of hours total this last week on the phone with Costco agents, trying to figure out who stole my card and how can I get up and running again before my auto-payments start failing one after another. (I pay all my utilities and insurances, medical bills, streaming services etc on auto pay, so this inconvenience is pretty annoying). Whenever I talk with someone about this incident, I do so in a cheerful mood. Nearly every person I've had to call or meet with at the stores has thanked me for being cheerful and kind. Whenever someone thanks me for being kind, it throws in my face the reality that most people are not kind. WHy would someone thank me for smiling if everyone was smiling, Right?
Today, I'm actually feeling a lot of warmth in my chest for all the fun conversations I've had with people who are used to being blamed, but who instead, thanked me for giving them a nice connection. The last person I talked with was in Costco store yesterday where I had to jump through all kinds of hoops just to get in the door. Her final words to me were, "Thank you for the smiles."
What this is enlightening for me is; this is a litmus test that is proving to me that I really, truly AM stronger when I connect with people rather than fight with them. To be brutally honest, I'm feeling kind of glad this mess happened to me. FOr me, the benefit of connecting through kindness with several strangers is stronger than the annoyance of the crime that was committed against me. I feel like saying that thing people sometimes say after catastrophic events bring them positive changes. "I wouldn't want to go through this again, but I'm a better person now for having gone through it."
For me, I'm always talking about how I value human connection over anything else in the world. This week has given me a chance to see that it's true. I am so pleased with the connections I made with those who could help me that I'm aaalmost glad it happened. I'm definitely glad that when it happened, I really did find the connection to be stronger than the pain.
San, we really are stronger together. I hold to my belief that the reason we hurt is because we feel alone with our abuse/neglect and we really do find strength in connecting with others who we can connect with. I hold now to my belief that a fear of being abandoned or left out causes most of our grief AND that connecting with others really is what most people really want. We struggle to connect when we can't get the abuse of the past out of our brains. But with today's modern therapies and helpful writers who address CPTSD, we are starting to find ways to deal with past abuse so that we can start to feel less afraid of connecting with others.
Here's something I've recently learned: One of the main reasons I've struggled to forgive the people who've hurt me is because I feel like if I forgive them, then I'm letting down my guard so they can hurt me again. Mom used to force me to be kind to my evil sister, and would make me forgive her so she could hurt me again. So when I think about forgiving bullies today, I fear that if I forgive them, then I'm making myself vulnerable again. What I do now, (and this is a brand new thing for me), is I meditate and think about all the people I love, then I think about all the people I hate, and I put them together and send them all the same amount of love from my heart. But when I send love to my sister and brother, who both abused me pretty badly and tried to get me to kill myself so they could take my share of an inheritance--which they eventually got anyway, I say to myself, "I love them, but I never want to see them ever again." I'm setting a boundary to protect myself, while allowing myself to forgive them.
I find that when I hate anyone, anywhere, I feel tethered to them. I can't let go of them if I still hate them. I feel darkness in my own body. Poison in my blood. I literally hate feeling hate. The truth, for me, is that they don't know that I'm forgiving them. They don't care. I forgive them so I can let them go and stop letting them exist in my heart and brain rent-free. I feel that poison drain from my body. I'm the only person who knows I've forgiven them. Life is so much brighter for me when I stop hating people who are gone and can't hurt me anymore.
Forgiveness is about myself. I don't judge myself as bad for having been unable to forgive for most of my life. They hurt me and I was using hatred as a way of protecting myself from them. I'm just very glad that right now, I'm feeling less poison in my blood than what nearly killed me in the past.
We really are stronger together, and I really am finding it to be true in practice that connection is a way for me to control my fears and my angers at others.
When I say I live for connection, I now know it's true. I did an inventory recently, looking for what it was that drove me to suicide 4 times from ages 19 to 50, and what I finally was able to discover was that each and every suicide attempt happened while I was feeling abandoned by the people I loved. All four attempts required outside rescue. I was stopped by someone all four times. So when I say "I live for connection" It's a literal statement. Anytime I feel abandoned, I literally lose all desire to live. So no matter what happens in my life, no matter how bad things get, I now know that I can use connection to rise above it.
I love it here on the Island of Misfit Toys. In my novels I wrote "I can endure almost anything in life as long as I have a friend at my side."
I know Love is a trigger word for a lot of us. To me, Love is a synonym for connection. I connect with the lovely souls on this forum, therefore I'm telling the truth when I say I love the people here. I feel connection. That connection is driving my desire to keep healing from CPTSD.
I know too, that CPTSD tends to make us feel different moods at different times. One person on the forum once said that every morning the first thing they do is find out who they're going to be today. So, I'm leaving myself an out if in a few weeks I don't feel as loved as I do today. But, I've noticed that as I improve from my trauma triggers, I have good days and bad, BUT the bad days are no where near as bad as they used to be. The good days last a little longer than they used to.
Today's a good day. I'm loving the feeling of a lack of poison in my blood from past abuse. Who knows how I'll feel the next time someone hurts me? I may have to start all over again on working toward forgiving them.
Forgiveness is NOT easy. It takes time and effort for me. I will steep myself in anger and resentment for a while until I can finally find myself able to put it behind me. No way am I trying to sell forgiveness as an easy thing. And, for me, the abuse is done. My abusers are all gone or passed away, so forgiveness is a bit easier than if they were still abusing me.
NOBODY needs to feel bad for struggling to forgive. It's part of our wiring. We protect ourselves in myriad ways, and forgiveness can feel like vulnerability. And I do NOT like feeling vulnerable.
Putting my focus on the people I feel safe to connect with helps me release my anger at the people who will hurt me if I connect with them. The trick is choosing who to connect with. I used to say, "I don't have to hate alligators to choose not to swim in their swamp. I can stay out of their swamp for safety without having to hate them."
We're stronger together.
Hugs back to all of you.San,
I agree. We are stronger together. I am in the middle of another episode where my credit card was skimmed somewhere and now I've got a ton of repair work to do to get a new card up and running so I can buy gas and groceries again. This is a Costco Visa, and I shop at Costco as my main source for groceries. So I've spent a couple of hours total this last week on the phone with Costco agents, trying to figure out who stole my card and how can I get up and running again before my auto-payments start failing one after another. (I pay all my utilities and insurances, medical bills, streaming services etc on auto pay, so this inconvenience is pretty annoying). Whenever I talk with someone about this incident, I do so in a cheerful mood. Nearly every person I've had to call or meet with at the stores has thanked me for being cheerful and kind. Whenever someone thanks me for being kind, it throws in my face the reality that most people are not kind. WHy would someone thank me for smiling if everyone was smiling, Right?
Today, I'm actually feeling a lot of warmth in my chest for all the fun conversations I've had with people who are used to being blamed, but who instead, thanked me for giving them a nice connection. The last person I talked with was in Costco store yesterday where I had to jump through all kinds of hoops just to get in the door. Her final words to me were, "Thank you for the smiles."
What this is enlightening for me is; this is a litmus test that is proving to me that I really, truly AM stronger when I connect with people rather than fight with them. To be brutally honest, I'm feeling kind of glad this mess happened to me. FOr me, the benefit of connecting through kindness with several strangers is stronger than the annoyance of the crime that was committed against me. I feel like saying that thing people sometimes say after catastrophic events bring them positive changes. "I wouldn't want to go through this again, but I'm a better person now for having gone through it."
For me, I'm always talking about how I value human connection over anything else in the world. This week has given me a chance to see that it's true. I am so pleased with the connections I made with those who could help me that I'm aaalmost glad it happened. I'm definitely glad that when it happened, I really did find the connection to be stronger than the pain.
San, we really are stronger together. I hold to my belief that the reason we hurt is because we feel alone with our abuse/neglect and we really do find strength in connecting with others who we can connect with. I hold now to my belief that a fear of being abandoned or left out causes most of our grief AND that connecting with others really is what most people really want. We struggle to connect when we can't get the abuse of the past out of our brains. But with today's modern therapies and helpful writers who address CPTSD, we are starting to find ways to deal with past abuse so that we can start to feel less afraid of connecting with others.
Here's something I've recently learned: One of the main reasons I've struggled to forgive the people who've hurt me is because I feel like if I forgive them, then I'm letting down my guard so they can hurt me again. Mom used to force me to be kind to my evil sister, and would make me forgive her so she could hurt me again. So when I think about forgiving bullies today, I fear that if I forgive them, then I'm making myself vulnerable again. What I do now, (and this is a brand new thing for me), is I meditate and think about all the people I love, then I think about all the people I hate, and I put them together and send them all the same amount of love from my heart. But when I send love to my sister and brother, who both abused me pretty badly and tried to get me to kill myself so they could take my share of an inheritance--which they eventually got anyway, I say to myself, "I love them, but I never want to see them ever again." I'm setting a boundary to protect myself, while allowing myself to forgive them.
I find that when I hate anyone, anywhere, I feel tethered to them. I can't let go of them if I still hate them. I feel darkness in my own body. Poison in my blood. I literally hate feeling hate. The truth, for me, is that they don't know that I'm forgiving them. They don't care. I forgive them so I can let them go and stop letting them exist in my heart and brain rent-free. I feel that poison drain from my body. I'm the only person who knows I've forgiven them. Life is so much brighter for me when I stop hating people who are gone and can't hurt me anymore.
Forgiveness is about myself. I don't judge myself as bad for having been unable to forgive for most of my life. They hurt me and I was using hatred as a way of protecting myself from them. I'm just very glad that right now, I'm feeling less poison in my blood than what nearly killed me in the past.
We really are stronger together, and I really am finding it to be true in practice that connection is a way for me to control my fears and my angers at others.
When I say I live for connection, I now know it's true. I did an inventory recently, looking for what it was that drove me to suicide 4 times from ages 19 to 50, and what I finally was able to discover was that each and every suicide attempt happened while I was feeling abandoned by the people I loved. All four attempts required outside rescue. I was stopped by someone all four times. So when I say "I live for connection" It's a literal statement. Anytime I feel abandoned, I literally lose all desire to live. So no matter what happens in my life, no matter how bad things get, I now know that I can use connection to rise above it.
I love it here on the Island of Misfit Toys. In my novels I wrote "I can endure almost anything in life as long as I have a friend at my side."
I know Love is a trigger word for a lot of us. To me, Love is a synonym for connection. I connect with the lovely souls on this forum, therefore I'm telling the truth when I say I love the people here. I feel connection. That connection is driving my desire to keep healing from CPTSD.
I know too, that CPTSD tends to make us feel different moods at different times. One person on the forum once said that every morning the first thing they do is find out who they're going to be today. So, I'm leaving myself an out if in a few weeks I don't feel as loved as I do today. But, I've noticed that as I improve from my trauma triggers, I have good days and bad, BUT the bad days are no where near as bad as they used to be. The good days last a little longer than they used to.
Today's a good day. I'm loving the feeling of a lack of poison in my blood from past abuse. Who knows how I'll feel the next time someone hurts me? I may have to start all over again on working toward forgiving them.
Forgiveness is NOT easy. It takes time and effort for me. I will steep myself in anger and resentment for a while until I can finally find myself able to put it behind me. No way am I trying to sell forgiveness as an easy thing. And, for me, the abuse is done. My abusers are all gone or passed away, so forgiveness is a bit easier than if they were still abusing me.
NOBODY needs to feel bad for struggling to forgive. It's part of our wiring. We protect ourselves in myriad ways, and forgiveness can feel like vulnerability. And I do NOT like feeling vulnerable.
Putting my focus on the people I feel safe to connect with helps me release my anger at the people who will hurt me if I connect with them. The trick is choosing who to connect with. I used to say, "I don't have to hate alligators to choose not to swim in their swamp. I can stay out of their swamp for safety without having to hate them."
We're stronger together.
#24
Symptoms - Other / Re: Why "Inner Strength" Does ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 12, 2026, 05:56:52 PMThank you for starting this thread.
I sometimes try to persuade myself that I am brave and strong. Objectively, from an outside perspective, I probably could be described as such. I remain in contact with FOO and regularly march back into the war zone to interact with them. (I mean, that could also be described as "utterly bonkers" but...). I've done a lot of "feel the fear and do it anyway". I've done a lot of "fake it till you make it". Blah blah.
I was really interested to read that your system reacts with anger when people praise your CPTSD adaptations. My experience is different, likely because I have been conditioned to seek praise (for without it I am nothing) and that I am not allowed to have anger. But I do very much notice when praise feels hollow. Someone the other day praised me for stopping alcohol altogether. I deserve no praise for that - I became unwell a couple of years back and one of the effects was that my body simply switched off any desire or tolerance for alcohol. End of. It's not an achievement, just a fact. It felt important that I made sure she understood the truth of the matter.
Your comment about harm being misnamed as virtue also resonates hugely. The more I think about it, the more I realise my FOO do little else but frame harm as virtue. Most things - possibly everything - that were ostensibly done for my benefit were at the very least nothing to do with my benefit and everything to do with theirs. And there was a shed load of stuff that was actively harmful.
It is hugely helpful to read your comments about internal safety. That it does not come from survival tactics. That it cannot simply be conjured up from within because we are strong (even if we are strong). A huge lightbulb moment came for me probably about a year ago now when I was discussing with my T my increasing dislike of going away on trips with my husband. I realised it is because I am slowly beginning to develop a sense of safety, at least in my own home. I never felt safe anywhere before, so whether I felt unsafe doing laundry at home or on a fancy cruise meant that I may as well be on the fancy cruise. I'm nowhere near having reliable internal safety such that I can feel safe with myself wherever I am. But I am learning how to self-soothe and notice triggers before they overwhelm me when I am home. That, of course, is massive progress for me personally but not yet in the overall scheme of life when my husband, quite reasonably, would like to do nice things for us both and I'm not entirely thrilled at his plans.
Thus far my T has been doing all the heavy lifting in terms of presence and co-regulation. She has been encouraging me to get my husband on board a little more than I currently allow. He is a safe person, and I know he is, but I am hugely avoidant and trust nobody, so this is a big ask and I have to go slowly. Your comments about needing a relationship to build internal safety are hugely helpful to me as I consider this. So, thank you.
And thank you to all the people on OOTS, too. Because there is so much care, empathy, understanding, co-regulation and love to be found here. Everyone who has stuck around has quite noticeably made progress, even if they don't always see it themselves. Given CPTSD progress is usually glacially slow that is not surprising.
I sometimes try to persuade myself that I am brave and strong. Objectively, from an outside perspective, I probably could be described as such. I remain in contact with FOO and regularly march back into the war zone to interact with them. (I mean, that could also be described as "utterly bonkers" but...). I've done a lot of "feel the fear and do it anyway". I've done a lot of "fake it till you make it". Blah blah.
I was really interested to read that your system reacts with anger when people praise your CPTSD adaptations. My experience is different, likely because I have been conditioned to seek praise (for without it I am nothing) and that I am not allowed to have anger. But I do very much notice when praise feels hollow. Someone the other day praised me for stopping alcohol altogether. I deserve no praise for that - I became unwell a couple of years back and one of the effects was that my body simply switched off any desire or tolerance for alcohol. End of. It's not an achievement, just a fact. It felt important that I made sure she understood the truth of the matter.
Your comment about harm being misnamed as virtue also resonates hugely. The more I think about it, the more I realise my FOO do little else but frame harm as virtue. Most things - possibly everything - that were ostensibly done for my benefit were at the very least nothing to do with my benefit and everything to do with theirs. And there was a shed load of stuff that was actively harmful.
It is hugely helpful to read your comments about internal safety. That it does not come from survival tactics. That it cannot simply be conjured up from within because we are strong (even if we are strong). A huge lightbulb moment came for me probably about a year ago now when I was discussing with my T my increasing dislike of going away on trips with my husband. I realised it is because I am slowly beginning to develop a sense of safety, at least in my own home. I never felt safe anywhere before, so whether I felt unsafe doing laundry at home or on a fancy cruise meant that I may as well be on the fancy cruise. I'm nowhere near having reliable internal safety such that I can feel safe with myself wherever I am. But I am learning how to self-soothe and notice triggers before they overwhelm me when I am home. That, of course, is massive progress for me personally but not yet in the overall scheme of life when my husband, quite reasonably, would like to do nice things for us both and I'm not entirely thrilled at his plans.
Thus far my T has been doing all the heavy lifting in terms of presence and co-regulation. She has been encouraging me to get my husband on board a little more than I currently allow. He is a safe person, and I know he is, but I am hugely avoidant and trust nobody, so this is a big ask and I have to go slowly. Your comments about needing a relationship to build internal safety are hugely helpful to me as I consider this. So, thank you.
And thank you to all the people on OOTS, too. Because there is so much care, empathy, understanding, co-regulation and love to be found here. Everyone who has stuck around has quite noticeably made progress, even if they don't always see it themselves. Given CPTSD progress is usually glacially slow that is not surprising.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 12, 2026, 05:54:58 PM
Yeah, always scary to meet a new therapist. I have a hunch you are very co-regulatable though, and the nerves can dissipate quickly. Good to see you have your priorities straight with regards to therapy. A therapist who does a lot of IFS is highly likely to be attuned. I don't expect them to push you into IFS stuff unless you feel you're up for that. It's you're call. If and when. I'm happy that you've found a new therapist. Good luck [you don't have to perform].
#26
Symptoms - Other / Re: Why "Inner Strength" Does ...
Last post by Desert Flower - January 12, 2026, 05:48:11 PM
#27
Symptoms - Other / Re: Why "Inner Strength" Does ...
Last post by Chart - January 12, 2026, 05:39:42 PMQuote from: lowbudgetTV on January 12, 2026, 04:27:36 PMI feel more a need to be affirmed that it's okay to fail, feel scared and tired, feel lost, and feel little. Anything else feels like impostor syndrome.Yeah, I can't fake it anymore either.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 12, 2026, 05:12:11 PMthanks so much, DF - it was very comforting to hear what you had to say. you are part of my strength.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 12, 2026, 05:04:49 PMI just want to say I think the direction you're taking this in is actual strength. As opposed to our survival self, which is so often perceived as strong by others who aren't in the know about CPTSD. Your awareness of your vulnerabilities and potential pitfalls, and your compassionate commitment to your long term health are very positive in my book. It honstely makes me want to cheer for you!
I'm wondering if you're allowed to take someone with you to the chat with the company doctor. That could perhaps help you to say what you actually want to say because it provides more safety. I agree with you that it would be problematic if the doc only talks to your keep-on-going part without knowing what's going on. There are a couple of angles you can work this from. It partially depends on your official diagnosis, I guess. If you have a PTSD diagnosis, that would help. If not, perhaps you could clarify what you deal with by drawing a parallel with the buildup to a burnout. This is language the doc should understand. You could explain that what happened recently has been building for decades, and that it's trauma related. And that you had to learn to hide it even if you're not doing well at all. That it culminated in a crisis, and that it's not sustainable to continue as you did after you have recovered again. That you have this vulnerability and it needs to be taken into account. Not only for a short period of time, but always. Sustainable is the key word. It's in nobody's interest to have you in a crisis again. The risk for that needs to land with the doc, if you ask me.
You're navigating difficult terrain. I think you're doing great Desert Flower!
I'm wondering if you're allowed to take someone with you to the chat with the company doctor. That could perhaps help you to say what you actually want to say because it provides more safety. I agree with you that it would be problematic if the doc only talks to your keep-on-going part without knowing what's going on. There are a couple of angles you can work this from. It partially depends on your official diagnosis, I guess. If you have a PTSD diagnosis, that would help. If not, perhaps you could clarify what you deal with by drawing a parallel with the buildup to a burnout. This is language the doc should understand. You could explain that what happened recently has been building for decades, and that it's trauma related. And that you had to learn to hide it even if you're not doing well at all. That it culminated in a crisis, and that it's not sustainable to continue as you did after you have recovered again. That you have this vulnerability and it needs to be taken into account. Not only for a short period of time, but always. Sustainable is the key word. It's in nobody's interest to have you in a crisis again. The risk for that needs to land with the doc, if you ask me.
You're navigating difficult terrain. I think you're doing great Desert Flower!
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Desert Flower - January 12, 2026, 05:00:15 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on January 12, 2026, 04:52:12 PMto find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard. i think those 2 things are uppermost on my listI think it's very good to just hold those two things in mind and just see how the rest evolves.
If there's any time to start thinking about 'parts' it would be whenever you are ready, no sooner than that, if ever.
I totally understand you would not be able to sleep before an apointment like this. Wishing you lots of good luck in a few hours, I'll be thinking of you.
Love and hugs