Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Papa Coco - January 26, 2026, 03:58:00 PMHannahOne
Today I'm trying to remember what it was that helped me to come out of self-loathing, and I think I'm finally able to see how I came to be a traumatized, easily triggered CPTSD'r who finally doesn't hate myself for it. So I'll just bear witness to what happened to me. I know we're all as different as we are similar, so, I'll share my story, and hope there can be something in it that can help you with your story. (To be honest, when I share my stories with others, it helps bring ME more clarity to my experiences too).
For me, it's only been a few months since I started feeling like I don't hate myself anymore. (I found self-loathing at the age of 7, so I felt it for 58 years). I think the thing that finally got me to feel in my heart that I'm not the problem is when I read a book or two that helped explain the biology of how the mammal brain works. It was Peter Levine's book, In an Unspoken Voice, where he detailed out how any mammal is designed to recover from trauma by using the built-in survival techniques we were born with. We knew how to feed, how to breath, and how to cry for help. That's it. If we were feeding and breathing and able to get our tribes to help us when we cried, we could overcome nearly any trauma--just like Frank does. But when we cried out for help and our caregivers either ignored us or hurt us, then the natural flow of energy to our survival mechanisms were pinched off, causing a predictable and natural inability to get past the traumas that happened to us. When I read that, in his scientifically detailed and believable explanation, it's like I heard my brain say to me, "this really WASN'T MY FAULT!" I think I immediately came to the forum and wrote "I finally feel the one thing I've always wanted. I feel FORGIVEN!" And immediately after I wrote that my brain said one more thing, "Now you know that you never needed to be forgiven in the first place!"
What happened inside me to make me suffer for 58 years believing I couldn't be forgiven for being who I am, was I realized how it was 100% predictable biological altering of my natural programming that was playing itself out exactly how it does in any mammal that has its core defenses muted during the formative years. To make this even more innocent, I learned from Levine, that in lab experiments with mammals, it's been proven that if a mammal is restrained while being violated or hurt in any way (And this can include a child being held down in a dentist chair or surgical procedure), the brain's rewiring is far more permanent, because being unable to flail the arms or legs rewires the brain even faster. When a mammal can "go down fighting" they can recover from trauma easier than when they go down unable to fight back at all. I feel like being unable to defend myself against my own "tribe's" lifetime of lies, smear campaigns, and forcing me to live as a servant to them, was an emotional version of being defenseless against my abusers. I've been restrained physically AND I've been restrained emotionally. The only two ways I could go were: I either hated the world and became a bad person, or I hated myself so I could become a good person. I chose to be a good person, so I hated myself instead of hating them. I suspect that's common with us here in the forum. We were the ones who turned on ourselves so we would not become what our abusers were.
In me, this has made me, not only a fawner and a freezer, but it's made me feel completely unable to defend myself in any situation. I sometimes imagine what it might be like if I ever have to get into a fist fight, or run from a gunfight or anything, and for the life of me, I cannot imagine myself having the arm strength to strike any predator. In my own mind, when trying to imagine how I'd fight off a shark or bear or human attack, my arms and legs suddenly feel like they are filled with concrete. I've never struck another human or animal. I don't believe I have the physical ability to. I can lift more than most men. I can work harder than most men, but I can't find any energy in me that believes I can defend myself if I ever need to. That inability to defend myself used to be proof that I'm worthless and unlovable, but now it's proof that I was restrained and abused and ignored. Somehow, by reading the details of how the biological responses in me were absolutely caused by the removal of my defenses when I was young, I had one of those epiphanous "Ah HA!" moments that sometimes happen in life when we suddenly realize things are not how I'd previously believed they were. Somehow, seeing under the hood to how my brain did what it did so I could be a good person, helped me overcome my self-loathing.
I don't know if this helps others as much as it helps me, but when I can finally get the chance to look under the hood to see how the engine really works, it helps me to know what I'm really driving.
I hope this helps in any small way.
Today I'm trying to remember what it was that helped me to come out of self-loathing, and I think I'm finally able to see how I came to be a traumatized, easily triggered CPTSD'r who finally doesn't hate myself for it. So I'll just bear witness to what happened to me. I know we're all as different as we are similar, so, I'll share my story, and hope there can be something in it that can help you with your story. (To be honest, when I share my stories with others, it helps bring ME more clarity to my experiences too).
For me, it's only been a few months since I started feeling like I don't hate myself anymore. (I found self-loathing at the age of 7, so I felt it for 58 years). I think the thing that finally got me to feel in my heart that I'm not the problem is when I read a book or two that helped explain the biology of how the mammal brain works. It was Peter Levine's book, In an Unspoken Voice, where he detailed out how any mammal is designed to recover from trauma by using the built-in survival techniques we were born with. We knew how to feed, how to breath, and how to cry for help. That's it. If we were feeding and breathing and able to get our tribes to help us when we cried, we could overcome nearly any trauma--just like Frank does. But when we cried out for help and our caregivers either ignored us or hurt us, then the natural flow of energy to our survival mechanisms were pinched off, causing a predictable and natural inability to get past the traumas that happened to us. When I read that, in his scientifically detailed and believable explanation, it's like I heard my brain say to me, "this really WASN'T MY FAULT!" I think I immediately came to the forum and wrote "I finally feel the one thing I've always wanted. I feel FORGIVEN!" And immediately after I wrote that my brain said one more thing, "Now you know that you never needed to be forgiven in the first place!"
What happened inside me to make me suffer for 58 years believing I couldn't be forgiven for being who I am, was I realized how it was 100% predictable biological altering of my natural programming that was playing itself out exactly how it does in any mammal that has its core defenses muted during the formative years. To make this even more innocent, I learned from Levine, that in lab experiments with mammals, it's been proven that if a mammal is restrained while being violated or hurt in any way (And this can include a child being held down in a dentist chair or surgical procedure), the brain's rewiring is far more permanent, because being unable to flail the arms or legs rewires the brain even faster. When a mammal can "go down fighting" they can recover from trauma easier than when they go down unable to fight back at all. I feel like being unable to defend myself against my own "tribe's" lifetime of lies, smear campaigns, and forcing me to live as a servant to them, was an emotional version of being defenseless against my abusers. I've been restrained physically AND I've been restrained emotionally. The only two ways I could go were: I either hated the world and became a bad person, or I hated myself so I could become a good person. I chose to be a good person, so I hated myself instead of hating them. I suspect that's common with us here in the forum. We were the ones who turned on ourselves so we would not become what our abusers were.
In me, this has made me, not only a fawner and a freezer, but it's made me feel completely unable to defend myself in any situation. I sometimes imagine what it might be like if I ever have to get into a fist fight, or run from a gunfight or anything, and for the life of me, I cannot imagine myself having the arm strength to strike any predator. In my own mind, when trying to imagine how I'd fight off a shark or bear or human attack, my arms and legs suddenly feel like they are filled with concrete. I've never struck another human or animal. I don't believe I have the physical ability to. I can lift more than most men. I can work harder than most men, but I can't find any energy in me that believes I can defend myself if I ever need to. That inability to defend myself used to be proof that I'm worthless and unlovable, but now it's proof that I was restrained and abused and ignored. Somehow, by reading the details of how the biological responses in me were absolutely caused by the removal of my defenses when I was young, I had one of those epiphanous "Ah HA!" moments that sometimes happen in life when we suddenly realize things are not how I'd previously believed they were. Somehow, seeing under the hood to how my brain did what it did so I could be a good person, helped me overcome my self-loathing.
I don't know if this helps others as much as it helps me, but when I can finally get the chance to look under the hood to see how the engine really works, it helps me to know what I'm really driving.
I hope this helps in any small way.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 26, 2026, 02:59:36 PMNK, i've had that yearning most all my life for my father to let me know he's proud of me. something unfulfilled, it feels like to me, something unsatisfied at a primal level. dang. we needed all these things, and got few if any. sucks. love and hugs 
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 26, 2026, 02:56:49 PMbeing a plant grower, i chuckled at yelling at the roots to see if they're growing yet, hannah1. that was great.
yep, we can only provide the conditions for our self-plant to grow, then nurture it w/ what it needs to keep growing and ultimately blooming. i like it. it's a good plant no matter what. love and hugs
yep, we can only provide the conditions for our self-plant to grow, then nurture it w/ what it needs to keep growing and ultimately blooming. i like it. it's a good plant no matter what. love and hugs
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by dollyvee - January 26, 2026, 12:52:45 PMChart, I have started reading "Scapegoating in Families: Intergenerational Patterns of Physical and Emotional Abuse," and came across this:
"In some families, children are brought into the world to "bind" the family unit, "to keep the family together." Many couples are in conflict before the child is born, and they hope that children will help the marriage. When the conflicts do not disappear, they stay together for the "sake" of the children. The resentment they have towards each other may be transferred to the children.
Most of the time, if the child has not been scapegoated, he or she is likely to feel a strong need to get away from the family conflict and pathology...The scapegoated child, especially if the scapegoating is a lifelong pattern, will probably feel responsible for all thee family pain and want to stay physically and emotionally in order to make amends."
I'm guessing that you are the former perhaps, but thought it was interesting and worthwhile perhaps if it was the latter. For me, this scapegoating stuff is another very difficult layer of entanglement as well as an obstacle to healing.
"In some families, children are brought into the world to "bind" the family unit, "to keep the family together." Many couples are in conflict before the child is born, and they hope that children will help the marriage. When the conflicts do not disappear, they stay together for the "sake" of the children. The resentment they have towards each other may be transferred to the children.
Most of the time, if the child has not been scapegoated, he or she is likely to feel a strong need to get away from the family conflict and pathology...The scapegoated child, especially if the scapegoating is a lifelong pattern, will probably feel responsible for all thee family pain and want to stay physically and emotionally in order to make amends."
I'm guessing that you are the former perhaps, but thought it was interesting and worthwhile perhaps if it was the latter. For me, this scapegoating stuff is another very difficult layer of entanglement as well as an obstacle to healing.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 26, 2026, 09:52:11 AMI'm sorry Chart. I hate to see you suffer. Actually feeling is a big part of healing, in my experience. But "dosing" that, if at all possible, is important too. Ideally, this shouldn't be a tooth gritting thing, I don't think. More like a gradual opening up, where compassion is leading. You're not alone with this. I hope a sense of connection reaches that desperate place. It takes a village to reparent an age regressed adult. Stay in touch. Much love.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by dollyvee - January 26, 2026, 09:16:31 AMHey Chart,
I hope Schore's work is able to help you find some space in what you're going through.
Sending you support,
dolly
I hope Schore's work is able to help you find some space in what you're going through.
Sending you support,
dolly
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 26, 2026, 06:50:05 AMThankyou TheBigBlue!
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 26, 2026, 04:49:41 AMThanks for sharing, Hope.
I'm starting to understand anger and sadness as two sides of the same coin. Sadness often comes from loss or hurt; anger comes from the same place, but it carries the signal that a boundary was crossed. For me, anger has been much harder to find, so it often goes underground and shows up as sadness, collapse, or exhaustion instead. But I am trying to allow anger to exist - even quietly - as it can actually be protective. 💛
I'm starting to understand anger and sadness as two sides of the same coin. Sadness often comes from loss or hurt; anger comes from the same place, but it carries the signal that a boundary was crossed. For me, anger has been much harder to find, so it often goes underground and shows up as sadness, collapse, or exhaustion instead. But I am trying to allow anger to exist - even quietly - as it can actually be protective. 💛
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 26, 2026, 04:32:24 AMI hope the meeting with the new T went okay, or at least felt workable. One step at a time really fits here. I'm thinking of you and hoping Monday brings a bit more clarity too.
#30
Successes, Progress? / Re: Post-Traumatic Joy
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 26, 2026, 04:27:40 AM
Here is 🥂 to "totally normal".