Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 29, 2026, 03:40:54 PMthanks for the cheers, TBB. i do believe she's just what i need right now. 
chart, i so appreciate the love and support. it's a struggle to find a good fit w/ a T, for sure, but all the validation i'm getting here is helping me know i made the right choice in tossing the others. thank you so for being with me.
armee, it does, doesn't it! thank you for checking in on me.
thank you, NK. i'm happy for me, too, and looking forward to how this is going to play out.
hannah1, thanks for sharing that happiness w/ me. i love it!
DF, i agree - it's worth it all, as far as i can see. thank you for being here with me.
Thank you for your support, SO. i'm glad i could, too, altho it was a very violent reaction. those expectations/walls die hard.
after reading everyone's responses here, so much kindness and love and support, i'm weepy from the enormity of it. i'm working at taking it in, but at the same time it's difficult cuz my first reaction is to reject it, hold it at bay, it's too much, too heavy, too weird, too unfamiliar. and that's where all this stems from, isn't it. familiar = family. didn't get it there, don't know how to take it in, don't know what to do with it, uncomfortable w/ how it feels, reject the strangeness of it. or explode thru it. am unable to regulate it.
and all the information i read this morning about baby brains and how they respond to neglect was profound. and it hit home, hard. again, it seems the more i get into recovery, the more painful it is. these realizations tear at me, shred my heart. and, o, here's a thought, my baby me, thinking about how i had to react - i just shied away from naming her a a 'part' - my baby me, thinking about how she had to react to being ignored (don't pick babies up every time they cry or you'll spoil them - i grew up in that kind of mentality, along w/ 'children should be seen and not heard', so ignored there, too) and my heart absolutely aches for her, and i'm crying right now to think of that poor baby lying in her crib or playpen, out of the way so mom could clean and re-clean her already spotless house.
i'm so heartbroken right now, i have to leave and just cry it out.
chart, i so appreciate the love and support. it's a struggle to find a good fit w/ a T, for sure, but all the validation i'm getting here is helping me know i made the right choice in tossing the others. thank you so for being with me.
armee, it does, doesn't it! thank you for checking in on me.
thank you, NK. i'm happy for me, too, and looking forward to how this is going to play out.
hannah1, thanks for sharing that happiness w/ me. i love it!
DF, i agree - it's worth it all, as far as i can see. thank you for being here with me.
Thank you for your support, SO. i'm glad i could, too, altho it was a very violent reaction. those expectations/walls die hard.
after reading everyone's responses here, so much kindness and love and support, i'm weepy from the enormity of it. i'm working at taking it in, but at the same time it's difficult cuz my first reaction is to reject it, hold it at bay, it's too much, too heavy, too weird, too unfamiliar. and that's where all this stems from, isn't it. familiar = family. didn't get it there, don't know how to take it in, don't know what to do with it, uncomfortable w/ how it feels, reject the strangeness of it. or explode thru it. am unable to regulate it.
and all the information i read this morning about baby brains and how they respond to neglect was profound. and it hit home, hard. again, it seems the more i get into recovery, the more painful it is. these realizations tear at me, shred my heart. and, o, here's a thought, my baby me, thinking about how i had to react - i just shied away from naming her a a 'part' - my baby me, thinking about how she had to react to being ignored (don't pick babies up every time they cry or you'll spoil them - i grew up in that kind of mentality, along w/ 'children should be seen and not heard', so ignored there, too) and my heart absolutely aches for her, and i'm crying right now to think of that poor baby lying in her crib or playpen, out of the way so mom could clean and re-clean her already spotless house.
i'm so heartbroken right now, i have to leave and just cry it out.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 29, 2026, 03:16:52 PMQuoteBut I'm not in a war zone. I can have preferences. I can have boundaries. I can have water, or tea, I can make a morning routine or not. If I focus on what I want for myself, I feel my self come more into presence,Quotei thought this was a profound realization, and i loved reading it, hannah1.
i have felt that 'nothingness' about myself as well, which is why, i think, when i thought about doing parts work, i was afraid there were no parts in there. just a big block of 'me' who does what needs to be done. there's always been something that needs to be done, and it was often some sort of survival. so, all of me was focused on just that, which was plenty. no room for anything else.
so glad for you that you found your 'self' in all this. well done! love and hugs
#23
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Mostly out of the storm
Last post by pelicantown - January 29, 2026, 03:09:02 PMThank you for all your replies 
#24
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by pelicantown - January 29, 2026, 03:07:55 PMQuote from: LucasLu on January 29, 2026, 09:33:53 AMI suggest you discuss this matter with a professional psychologist. It could be somatic numbness or impaired emotional empathy. Based on my personal experience, you should not only seek individual counseling but may also require couples counseling later on. The reduction in your emotional responsiveness might make it difficult for you to empathize with your partner at times, which could potentially affect the intimacy between you.
6+ years of individual therapy and 2+ years of couples (although we are no longer in couples)
This issue doesn't affect my relationships with others, more so the relationship I have with myself. It's also something that happened later in my therapy journey, and that's actually completely physiological rather than psychological. I find that to be the case with most of my issues. For the record, I've been on Wellbutrin, and while that did help with many of my PTSD symptoms, I couldn't keep taking it because it messed with my digestive system.Somatic numbness or impaired emotional empathy sounds much too extreme for my case! I guess I'm just talking about feeling happy emotions at 1-6 on a 10-point scale and not being able to feel the 6-10, if that makes sense?
@Chart I like that idea of treating mood like a scale. I think there are times where I can be quite black-and-white about mood, even though I'm not that way about other things.
@TeddyBear Oh man, I don't know what I'd do without my dog. He gets me out of bed in the morning!! It sounds like you've got many great ways to cope and are prioritizing the right things.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 29, 2026, 03:00:26 PMwow! just wow! thank you, hope, for allowing this to remain here - it was so much information that i needed and didn't even know i needed. so, thanks to TBB and to chart for sharing what you've learned. i so appreciate it. it made the whole 'parts' thing a bit more palatable for me.
hope, i agree w/ you about feeling hopeful - that same feeling washed over me, but kind of flew past pretty quickly. however, reading that you wrote about it brought it more strongly back to me and i'm able to grasp it and hang onto it now, so thank you very much for that. hope. a word/feeling i don't believe i've ever entertained before in any real sense. but i now have a glimmer of it and i can see it. thank you again for writing that, hope. it made all the difference. love and hugs
hope, i agree w/ you about feeling hopeful - that same feeling washed over me, but kind of flew past pretty quickly. however, reading that you wrote about it brought it more strongly back to me and i'm able to grasp it and hang onto it now, so thank you very much for that. hope. a word/feeling i don't believe i've ever entertained before in any real sense. but i now have a glimmer of it and i can see it. thank you again for writing that, hope. it made all the difference. love and hugs
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 29, 2026, 02:43:49 PMSO, i applaud your courage and fortitude in wielding your power for your own greater good. well done! 
i smiled at the thought of you allowing yourself to do what you needed to do, i.e., email, and let the outcome be on their shoulders. to me, that shows a lot of growth and forward movement.
as far as the new group is concerned, this is where the difference lies between your own greater good and the greater good of the group. i've often cringed when i've heard - we have to sacrifice someone for the greater good - type of sentiment. i don't believe that's the case here. this is not doing something for personal gain, but literally for mental and emotional protection. i'm glad that group is taking so many precautions - i think it's a sign for you as well that if you were to join, you can be assured they have your back as a group member.
so glad for you. and i agree - seeing someone face to face, or sharing space is a lot different than typing responses. scarier in some ways, but ultimately a degree of intimacy that cannot be found thru a keyboard. love and hugs
i smiled at the thought of you allowing yourself to do what you needed to do, i.e., email, and let the outcome be on their shoulders. to me, that shows a lot of growth and forward movement. as far as the new group is concerned, this is where the difference lies between your own greater good and the greater good of the group. i've often cringed when i've heard - we have to sacrifice someone for the greater good - type of sentiment. i don't believe that's the case here. this is not doing something for personal gain, but literally for mental and emotional protection. i'm glad that group is taking so many precautions - i think it's a sign for you as well that if you were to join, you can be assured they have your back as a group member.
so glad for you. and i agree - seeing someone face to face, or sharing space is a lot different than typing responses. scarier in some ways, but ultimately a degree of intimacy that cannot be found thru a keyboard. love and hugs
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 29, 2026, 01:45:33 PMWell done for recognising what you needed and rescheduling the meeting with the housing agency.
As to the support group - I hope you are able to attend the three test meetings. Although you are likely correct in thinking that you are a good fit, to me it bodes well that they are being very careful about letting you in. They have an existing group to protect, after all, and it is also good that they are concerning themselves with what support system you might have, even though you are not part of the group yet. I have not been to an in person group but I have experience of an OOTS zoom group. It was very hard and scary for all of us when we started the group. That much is obvious, of course. But we had quite a big hurdle when a group member left and there was a space for one more. Because the existing group felt a lot of conflict. On the one hand we of course wanted to be able to help other members and let someone into the group. On the other hand there was a very real fear that the group dynamic would be heavily disrupted. I think we all felt it would be temporarily disrupted - how could it not? But the fear was that there would be a permanent shift and maybe existing members would not feel safe any more. We did not want any new member to feel they had inadvertently made someone feel unsafe. Lots to think about. I think because we gave it so much thought, and took our time about admitting a new member, it worked out as well as it possibly could have done. Because it was an OOTS group we had the benefit of seeing the post history of the person who wanted to join, which helped. I am sure you are fully aware of all these considerations on the other side of the fence. But I wanted to type them here just in case there is a small part of you feeling rejected because you felt an instant "yes" and they didn't.
As to the support group - I hope you are able to attend the three test meetings. Although you are likely correct in thinking that you are a good fit, to me it bodes well that they are being very careful about letting you in. They have an existing group to protect, after all, and it is also good that they are concerning themselves with what support system you might have, even though you are not part of the group yet. I have not been to an in person group but I have experience of an OOTS zoom group. It was very hard and scary for all of us when we started the group. That much is obvious, of course. But we had quite a big hurdle when a group member left and there was a space for one more. Because the existing group felt a lot of conflict. On the one hand we of course wanted to be able to help other members and let someone into the group. On the other hand there was a very real fear that the group dynamic would be heavily disrupted. I think we all felt it would be temporarily disrupted - how could it not? But the fear was that there would be a permanent shift and maybe existing members would not feel safe any more. We did not want any new member to feel they had inadvertently made someone feel unsafe. Lots to think about. I think because we gave it so much thought, and took our time about admitting a new member, it worked out as well as it possibly could have done. Because it was an OOTS group we had the benefit of seeing the post history of the person who wanted to join, which helped. I am sure you are fully aware of all these considerations on the other side of the fence. But I wanted to type them here just in case there is a small part of you feeling rejected because you felt an instant "yes" and they didn't.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 29, 2026, 12:32:25 PMTheBigBlue, HannahOne, Chart, NarcKiddo, sanmagic7, Desert Flower
Thank you very much for your support and for reading! Right on Chart!
Important day yesterday. Woke up quite dysregulated. Couldn't really regulate. Two important appointments that day. The first with the housing agency with regards to the noise issue from other tenants. I was totally ready for that before it got rescheduled. Yesterday, I wasn't.
First I went for a run, in the hope of shedding some stress and sleep funk. The run went better than it did the past month or so. That was nice to notice. The stress and sleep funk didn't leave me alone though. The more I thought about the appointment, the less I felt up for it. The stress was increasing and I drifted into overwhelm waters. Not good. After some wrestling with it, it occurred to me that I had the option to propose to reschedule. I could definitively go to the appointment, but the other one was much more important to me, and I didn't want to mess it up with this one. So finally I made the decision to cancel. It felt like the right thing to do when I allowed myself to have that option. I called and was put on hold. I wasn't going to wait indefinitely and only gave it a minute or so. That's out of character for me. I switched to e-mailing, which isn't ideal a few hours before the appointment. But I stopped caring about how it would be received. Out of character, again. I briefly explained that I have a sleep disorder and aren't in a good space at the moment, asking to reschedule. Nothing overly dramatic or explanatory. Still honest. As soon as I had sent it, it was no longer my problem, no matter the reception.
The other appointment was a zoom call with two people from the local CPTSD support group I hope to join. I was pretty nervous for that. It felt like a lot was at stake there for me. A while ago I had sent them an e-mail in which I introduced myself. I had expected that they thought I would be a good match for the group, but I got a reply which surprised me a bit. They had leads that I was, and also a few that I may not be a match for the group. As per normal procedure, they proposed to have a zoom call to figure this out together. Their hesitation had immediately triggered despair, even though I understood that I either am or ain't a fit for the group, they didn't refuse me, and this is normal procedure for them. It should match both ways too. Fair enough. But it was a pretty significant trigger for me. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys to bits and this community is dear to my heart. But in person meetings are different from online communication. I'd have two a month with this group.
I was a lot more nervous than I thought I would be during the call. After a while, my whole body began to tremble. I had involuntary muscle contractions all over. This is something that began happening sometimes several years ago. Usually when I'm interacting with people and revealing things about myself. Mostly in situations where I feel safe enough, but not entirely safe either. I used to be able to keep all of that stress hidden inside. For decades. That isn't an option anymore. It's probably for the better, but it does make me feel exposed and vulnerable. And it makes it harder to concentrate and be present. That went well enough, considering my somatic response. The two people were very kind and open, and I think I did a relatively okay job giving them an impression of who I am. I was pretty chaotic, but I think I managed to communicate the most important things and take away some of the concerns they had. The latter seemed to be mainly about my support system, and having to do a bit of traveling to and from the meetings. I see no issues there myself, but it's a good sign they are taking this into account. The two people came across really professional, despite it being entirely a non-professional self-help group. We're going to let it rest for a couple of days and e-mail how we think about it. I already know this isn't going to change for me. It's a clear yes.
If we all agree, I'll be attending three group meetings to test the waters irl, after which we can all really know if I'm a match. So a lot of caution built in, which speaks for them. I have a lot of experience with support groups and group therapy. I'd be surprised if this wouldn't work out. But there aren't any guarantees, off course. I don't think I'll get rid of all my nerves around this until I know if I can or can't attend the first three meetings.
Thank you very much for your support and for reading! Right on Chart!
Important day yesterday. Woke up quite dysregulated. Couldn't really regulate. Two important appointments that day. The first with the housing agency with regards to the noise issue from other tenants. I was totally ready for that before it got rescheduled. Yesterday, I wasn't.
First I went for a run, in the hope of shedding some stress and sleep funk. The run went better than it did the past month or so. That was nice to notice. The stress and sleep funk didn't leave me alone though. The more I thought about the appointment, the less I felt up for it. The stress was increasing and I drifted into overwhelm waters. Not good. After some wrestling with it, it occurred to me that I had the option to propose to reschedule. I could definitively go to the appointment, but the other one was much more important to me, and I didn't want to mess it up with this one. So finally I made the decision to cancel. It felt like the right thing to do when I allowed myself to have that option. I called and was put on hold. I wasn't going to wait indefinitely and only gave it a minute or so. That's out of character for me. I switched to e-mailing, which isn't ideal a few hours before the appointment. But I stopped caring about how it would be received. Out of character, again. I briefly explained that I have a sleep disorder and aren't in a good space at the moment, asking to reschedule. Nothing overly dramatic or explanatory. Still honest. As soon as I had sent it, it was no longer my problem, no matter the reception.
The other appointment was a zoom call with two people from the local CPTSD support group I hope to join. I was pretty nervous for that. It felt like a lot was at stake there for me. A while ago I had sent them an e-mail in which I introduced myself. I had expected that they thought I would be a good match for the group, but I got a reply which surprised me a bit. They had leads that I was, and also a few that I may not be a match for the group. As per normal procedure, they proposed to have a zoom call to figure this out together. Their hesitation had immediately triggered despair, even though I understood that I either am or ain't a fit for the group, they didn't refuse me, and this is normal procedure for them. It should match both ways too. Fair enough. But it was a pretty significant trigger for me. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys to bits and this community is dear to my heart. But in person meetings are different from online communication. I'd have two a month with this group.
I was a lot more nervous than I thought I would be during the call. After a while, my whole body began to tremble. I had involuntary muscle contractions all over. This is something that began happening sometimes several years ago. Usually when I'm interacting with people and revealing things about myself. Mostly in situations where I feel safe enough, but not entirely safe either. I used to be able to keep all of that stress hidden inside. For decades. That isn't an option anymore. It's probably for the better, but it does make me feel exposed and vulnerable. And it makes it harder to concentrate and be present. That went well enough, considering my somatic response. The two people were very kind and open, and I think I did a relatively okay job giving them an impression of who I am. I was pretty chaotic, but I think I managed to communicate the most important things and take away some of the concerns they had. The latter seemed to be mainly about my support system, and having to do a bit of traveling to and from the meetings. I see no issues there myself, but it's a good sign they are taking this into account. The two people came across really professional, despite it being entirely a non-professional self-help group. We're going to let it rest for a couple of days and e-mail how we think about it. I already know this isn't going to change for me. It's a clear yes.
If we all agree, I'll be attending three group meetings to test the waters irl, after which we can all really know if I'm a match. So a lot of caution built in, which speaks for them. I have a lot of experience with support groups and group therapy. I'd be surprised if this wouldn't work out. But there aren't any guarantees, off course. I don't think I'll get rid of all my nerves around this until I know if I can or can't attend the first three meetings.
#29
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by Teddy bear - January 29, 2026, 12:23:48 PMHi Pelicantown,
I can relate to what you're saying, though my life isn't perfect now. But I do have a dog now — my first ever! 🦮 She's my main therapist ☺️.
I sometimes think back to when I was travelling the world: eating street food, swimming in the ocean, seeing volcanoes, crossing the Andes... those kinds of adventures.
It makes me a bit sad, knowing I probably won't have chances to travel like that again for a few years.
Another factor is that I'm still on a neuroleptic, so the numbness I feel might be coming from that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on pleasurable and healthy things — keeping up with my diet, staying active, enjoying my hobbies, and so on.
I can relate to what you're saying, though my life isn't perfect now. But I do have a dog now — my first ever! 🦮 She's my main therapist ☺️.
I sometimes think back to when I was travelling the world: eating street food, swimming in the ocean, seeing volcanoes, crossing the Andes... those kinds of adventures.
It makes me a bit sad, knowing I probably won't have chances to travel like that again for a few years.
Another factor is that I'm still on a neuroleptic, so the numbness I feel might be coming from that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on pleasurable and healthy things — keeping up with my diet, staying active, enjoying my hobbies, and so on.
#30
Depression / Re: Back to black
Last post by Chart - January 29, 2026, 11:42:34 AMQuote from: Rizzo on September 12, 2024, 01:35:00 PMI feel like sometimes getting out of bed is the hardest task there is.I know this thread goes quite aways back... right around the time I joined this Forum. That too triggers me a little. I'm wondering how much progress I've actually made, cause that quote from Rizzo really hit me. I feel like I'm lugging a palette of bricks every morning I try to get out of bed... still...
Hope you are doing well, Dina... and everyone, everywhere, trying to unload ourselves of the bricks of our trauma...