Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 22, 2026, 05:19:09 PMI think it is good to recognise how much grief there is. It's easy to overlook if one has not had a traditional bereavement to pin it on. I am realising right now that I have a lot of grief to process, too. I guess it goes with the territory.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by HannahOne - January 22, 2026, 04:34:14 PMSanMagic7, "just thinking about grief, and how many of us have so much of it inside that we haven't been able to feel, let go of, or continue to carry around in our bodies, on our shoulders, in our hearts - i wonder how many bodily illnesses might be connected to the amount of grief inside us."
I have been considering this a lot lately. I don't want to blame myself for my illnesses. At the same time, it is becoming obvious to me that I can't compartmentalize my pain in my mind. My mind is part of my body. There are nerve signals and hormones and cellular interactions going on constantly. The stress hormones affect the whole body in complex ways.
Your grief is very real, and taking it seriously is important, taking yourself seriously, giving yourself and grief the attention and care you need.
I have been considering this a lot lately. I don't want to blame myself for my illnesses. At the same time, it is becoming obvious to me that I can't compartmentalize my pain in my mind. My mind is part of my body. There are nerve signals and hormones and cellular interactions going on constantly. The stress hormones affect the whole body in complex ways.
Your grief is very real, and taking it seriously is important, taking yourself seriously, giving yourself and grief the attention and care you need.
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Armee - January 22, 2026, 03:49:19 PM
I think you are so right and I am sending all the good vibes from the left coast that you can find a good T soon to help you titrate these feelings so the pain can be released and you can feel all the emotions you need to without being disabled by them.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 22, 2026, 03:04:38 PMthank you for stopping by w/ a hug, armee. it felt good.
PC, thank you for sharing your empathy. grief is such a big deal, and yes, we'll get thru it together.
TBB, those big hugs are my favorites. thank you so. this is a lot.
hope, thank you for that big hug. i know what's behind it, and i can feel it.
PC, yes, yes we are. and it's wonderful. thanks.
hannah1, thanks for the validation. and all those lovely hugs.
just thinking about grief, and how many of us have so much of it inside that we haven't been able to feel, let go of, or continue to carry around in our bodies, on our shoulders, in our hearts - i wonder how many bodily illnesses might be connected to the amount of grief inside us, wreaking havoc on our innards, on our brains and minds. if i think of that, i get a sense of urgency about letting it out, getting rid of it.
i mean, grieving means feeling the pain of the loss. w/o grieving, we are carrying huge amounts of pain inside us. and pain carries with it it's own type of neg. energy, does it not? maybe i'm reaching here, but it makes sense to me, that our feelings/emotions are energy-charged. that can be the only explanation i can think of as to why anticipation of a happy event, like a visit or a gathering or something meaningful can cause me stress. for many years i've learned that i have to tamp down my feelings of excitement and anticipation or i get sick. i've even had to cancel a trip to the states when i lived in mexico because of being too sick to travel.
so, to me it doesn't matter what position a feeling takes, so-called pos. or neg., it still has its own energy. dang, i can't wait to find a T and be able to start working on this. i'm too scared now to do it on my own after my last experience.
PC, thank you for sharing your empathy. grief is such a big deal, and yes, we'll get thru it together.
TBB, those big hugs are my favorites. thank you so. this is a lot.
hope, thank you for that big hug. i know what's behind it, and i can feel it.
PC, yes, yes we are. and it's wonderful. thanks.
hannah1, thanks for the validation. and all those lovely hugs.
just thinking about grief, and how many of us have so much of it inside that we haven't been able to feel, let go of, or continue to carry around in our bodies, on our shoulders, in our hearts - i wonder how many bodily illnesses might be connected to the amount of grief inside us, wreaking havoc on our innards, on our brains and minds. if i think of that, i get a sense of urgency about letting it out, getting rid of it.
i mean, grieving means feeling the pain of the loss. w/o grieving, we are carrying huge amounts of pain inside us. and pain carries with it it's own type of neg. energy, does it not? maybe i'm reaching here, but it makes sense to me, that our feelings/emotions are energy-charged. that can be the only explanation i can think of as to why anticipation of a happy event, like a visit or a gathering or something meaningful can cause me stress. for many years i've learned that i have to tamp down my feelings of excitement and anticipation or i get sick. i've even had to cancel a trip to the states when i lived in mexico because of being too sick to travel.
so, to me it doesn't matter what position a feeling takes, so-called pos. or neg., it still has its own energy. dang, i can't wait to find a T and be able to start working on this. i'm too scared now to do it on my own after my last experience.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 22, 2026, 02:47:57 PMwhat an amazingly pos. response you have to the whole credit card thing, PC. i don't know that i would have come to that in a million years!
this whole thing of 'allowing' life to happen rather than rushing around trying to make it happen the way we want is very interesting to me. i've done it myself. i think it's a control thing - the more we feel in control of a situation, including 'life', the safer we feel. and, that's all we're looking for, is safety, that feeling that we can just be free to be w/o having to worry about getting killed. i think the more we become sure of our own confidence to use our tools and skills (such as reframing theft), the less fearful we can become.
not an easy or quick task, necessarily, but sometimes it just happens. like someone talking about feeling completely present as a person in the now, or finding that peace of mind for a few minutes. we are such marvelous creatures.
this whole thing of 'allowing' life to happen rather than rushing around trying to make it happen the way we want is very interesting to me. i've done it myself. i think it's a control thing - the more we feel in control of a situation, including 'life', the safer we feel. and, that's all we're looking for, is safety, that feeling that we can just be free to be w/o having to worry about getting killed. i think the more we become sure of our own confidence to use our tools and skills (such as reframing theft), the less fearful we can become.
not an easy or quick task, necessarily, but sometimes it just happens. like someone talking about feeling completely present as a person in the now, or finding that peace of mind for a few minutes. we are such marvelous creatures.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 22, 2026, 02:26:43 PMHannah1, that your children can grow and bloom was a breath of fresh air for me. i'm grateful to you that they have that opportunity, one you didn't get, yet, like frank, you don't run. you stay there, knowing where you're needed, needing what you're knowing. well done on ending that cycle of abuse for your kids. there are too many parents who don't.
and i'm guessing frank says the same to you - thanks for making it thru no matter how hard it was, cuz now you're here w/ me, my own lovely human. love and hugs
i wrote this before your next post came on. just wanted to let you know i agree about slowing down, stopping at times to let things catch up, and that so many of these masterpieces of our lives, like becoming fully present, or, for me, feeling an emotion, do happen on their own, in their own time. rushing seems to brick them up somehow, and often doesn't work.
and i'm guessing frank says the same to you - thanks for making it thru no matter how hard it was, cuz now you're here w/ me, my own lovely human. love and hugs
i wrote this before your next post came on. just wanted to let you know i agree about slowing down, stopping at times to let things catch up, and that so many of these masterpieces of our lives, like becoming fully present, or, for me, feeling an emotion, do happen on their own, in their own time. rushing seems to brick them up somehow, and often doesn't work.
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 22, 2026, 02:21:58 PMI'm having moments lately. Moments where I am fully present. All of me is there. The best way I can describe is as incredible clarity. I have space. Space expands. I have time. Time slows down. All the options are available to me. I am able to think. I am able to feel. I am able to be.
Being fully present seems to me to be the experience that was stolen from me. The pain---eh. The suffering, yeah. Betrayal, loss, etc etc etc. But what was lost that pains me, grieves me, puts me into a total rage, is the loss of my ability to be fully present. I missed out of forty years of life because I could rarely be fully present, because of the trauma that happened to me.
Intellectually I knew, and practiced for thirty years, "this is not the past," "That was then this is now," "It's over." "Be here now." I meditated, did yoga, all the therapies, all the body treatments, somatics, books, all the things.
But I couldn't force myself to be present. By definition, force will make me unable to be present. Quickest way to dissociate: scream at myself internally to show up right NOW!
The body keeps the score, and has its own inner clock, its own switches. I could influence them, all the work I did made a difference, made me intellectually aware of my states and where the switches were, gave me emotional practice in being in different states, gave me physical experience of my state. But somehow, for me, the "switch" or "button" or "ability" to become fully present came as a a gift, not something I could force, obtain, consume, or acquire. I don't want to spiritually bypass here, and it's not "spiritual" per se, it's that my experience was like that of an animal. It was instinctual.
It was also like training an animal. I can't make an animal trust me, even if I think I've earned it a thousand times. When the animal trusts me, it's a gift. I cannot control or force that, it's something that happens, that the animal instinctually knows when it knows. I couldn't MAKE myself trust myself. It was something that had to happen over time, when my instincts could come back online and I was able to not immediately shut them down. I had to allow myself to feel unsafe and stop demanding that I feel safe. The constant pressure to "be ok" made it harder, and the constant pressure of "running out of time" or "lost time" made it harder. I had to grieve the lost time, so I could step into the present.
Receiving a gift was terrifying to me, as it was not in my control. Becoming present is not something I could do, but something that had to happen. Terrifying. Something that "happens" was always bad. Only what I made happen was ever good. Allowing something to happen took thirty years of practice. Until I could allow something to happen, I could not become present, because becoming present is something I had to allow.
What I had to practice for thirty years was feeling safe. Before I could become present, I had to have developed a powerful sense of control. I had to develop my own personal power. I had to try it out many times. And many times, it failed. But I continued to learn, grow, practice. Practice saying "no." Practice saying "let me think about it." Practice saying "Yes, let's do that." From that practice of personal power, came safety.
From safety, came the ability to be present. Not intellectually think, "That was the past, be here now," but the physical, emotional, intellectual and instinctual or spiritual joining up of all parts of me in the present, which is the only place that can happen, because that's the only place there is.
And when that happens, there are always tears. Tears of sadness, rage, and joy all at once is how I experience it. For me those have been the healing tears.
the best thing I've been able to do is keep having faith and trusting that I WILL become present again. Hopefully soon, maybe in thirty seconds. Keep noticing that I'm intellectualizing, storytelling, spacing out, avoiding, acting out one limited mode or program without full awareness. The noticing is the beginning of presence.
And keep feeling the feeling of allowing, making space, for the animal I'm training, for myself. Slowing down is the first step to making space. If I'm running, even mentally running, the animal will run. I have to ssslloooowwww mmyy thoooouuuughttttsssss dowwwnnnnnnn. Slowwww dowwwwwn physically. Slow my emotions, let them take up looonnngggeeerrrr mmooommmenttssss of time.
The slower I go, the more present I am. Thomas Merton said, "Rushing is a form of violence."
Being fully present seems to me to be the experience that was stolen from me. The pain---eh. The suffering, yeah. Betrayal, loss, etc etc etc. But what was lost that pains me, grieves me, puts me into a total rage, is the loss of my ability to be fully present. I missed out of forty years of life because I could rarely be fully present, because of the trauma that happened to me.
Intellectually I knew, and practiced for thirty years, "this is not the past," "That was then this is now," "It's over." "Be here now." I meditated, did yoga, all the therapies, all the body treatments, somatics, books, all the things.
But I couldn't force myself to be present. By definition, force will make me unable to be present. Quickest way to dissociate: scream at myself internally to show up right NOW!
The body keeps the score, and has its own inner clock, its own switches. I could influence them, all the work I did made a difference, made me intellectually aware of my states and where the switches were, gave me emotional practice in being in different states, gave me physical experience of my state. But somehow, for me, the "switch" or "button" or "ability" to become fully present came as a a gift, not something I could force, obtain, consume, or acquire. I don't want to spiritually bypass here, and it's not "spiritual" per se, it's that my experience was like that of an animal. It was instinctual.
It was also like training an animal. I can't make an animal trust me, even if I think I've earned it a thousand times. When the animal trusts me, it's a gift. I cannot control or force that, it's something that happens, that the animal instinctually knows when it knows. I couldn't MAKE myself trust myself. It was something that had to happen over time, when my instincts could come back online and I was able to not immediately shut them down. I had to allow myself to feel unsafe and stop demanding that I feel safe. The constant pressure to "be ok" made it harder, and the constant pressure of "running out of time" or "lost time" made it harder. I had to grieve the lost time, so I could step into the present.
Receiving a gift was terrifying to me, as it was not in my control. Becoming present is not something I could do, but something that had to happen. Terrifying. Something that "happens" was always bad. Only what I made happen was ever good. Allowing something to happen took thirty years of practice. Until I could allow something to happen, I could not become present, because becoming present is something I had to allow.
What I had to practice for thirty years was feeling safe. Before I could become present, I had to have developed a powerful sense of control. I had to develop my own personal power. I had to try it out many times. And many times, it failed. But I continued to learn, grow, practice. Practice saying "no." Practice saying "let me think about it." Practice saying "Yes, let's do that." From that practice of personal power, came safety.
From safety, came the ability to be present. Not intellectually think, "That was the past, be here now," but the physical, emotional, intellectual and instinctual or spiritual joining up of all parts of me in the present, which is the only place that can happen, because that's the only place there is.
And when that happens, there are always tears. Tears of sadness, rage, and joy all at once is how I experience it. For me those have been the healing tears.
the best thing I've been able to do is keep having faith and trusting that I WILL become present again. Hopefully soon, maybe in thirty seconds. Keep noticing that I'm intellectualizing, storytelling, spacing out, avoiding, acting out one limited mode or program without full awareness. The noticing is the beginning of presence.
And keep feeling the feeling of allowing, making space, for the animal I'm training, for myself. Slowing down is the first step to making space. If I'm running, even mentally running, the animal will run. I have to ssslloooowwww mmyy thoooouuuughttttsssss dowwwnnnnnnn. Slowwww dowwwwwn physically. Slow my emotions, let them take up looonnngggeeerrrr mmooommmenttssss of time.
The slower I go, the more present I am. Thomas Merton said, "Rushing is a form of violence."
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 22, 2026, 02:14:41 PMit's ok, as you know, to take your time. we're still here for you no matter what. love andhugs
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by HannahOne - January 22, 2026, 02:10:42 PMPapa Coco, I just read your post about AI and grief, and the responses. I don't know that I have much useful to add to a very interesting and helpful conversation but wanted to let you know I'm reading. You'r description of AI was the most helpful I've seen, the metaphor of a flight simulator.
And, the understanding that the simulator works for what it works for, it can train the brain and give us information. And, how is the simulation not "real life"? Mainly in that we don't experience the physical consequences of our actions, right? We experience only the cognitive and emotional consequences in the simulator, which is how we learn, but we are protected from actually crashing the plane. We have safety.
I think that's really important and connects to what you said further about feeling your grief physically as what's needed to fully heal.
Therapy can be a simulator as well, in that it's a very bounded relationship where, in theory, we can make all kinds of "errors" and still continue the relationship as the therapist is supposed to contain our errors, interpret them, and retain unconditional positive regard. Of course therapy as simulator has limits, and involves another human, and we can crash that relationship too, or the therapist can.
And so what is the "real life" that AI and therapy is a simulator for?
A simulator is limited in the sense that it doesn't include all of us, all parts of us, emotional, intellectual, cognitive and physical, spiritual perhaps. Whereas "real life" engages all parts.
We understandably need simulators. We need training wheels, the support we never got as children, the graduated scaffolding of learning that we did not get when as young children we were just hit full force with the brutality of life, with problems way too complex for us to handle, full on with emotional and physical pain. We were not protected. We need safety!!
And, after a time of AI, therapy, books, and other "simulators," we need to gradually engage IRL? I don't love "in real life" because AI, therapy, and books are certainly real. Maybe we need to engage "fully"? "full on"? Engage without the training wheels?
To go with the bike metaphor, the first time the parent (in my case an uncle because I could NOT trust my parent and couldn't learn from them, which they blamed me for!) lets go of the bike without training wheels, I was fully present! Intensely present. Scared, exhilarated, focused, balancing, and all the consequences were going to come to me, it would be me that fell, my knee scraped, my body hitting the pavement. This was not a simulation. It was a very "real" moment, a moment where all of me was engaged physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. All of me was fully present.
But that full presence can only happen after enough practice, practicing safely and practicing safety. How can I feel safer right now? is a question that can bring me fully into the present. And a question that will often bring tears.
And, the understanding that the simulator works for what it works for, it can train the brain and give us information. And, how is the simulation not "real life"? Mainly in that we don't experience the physical consequences of our actions, right? We experience only the cognitive and emotional consequences in the simulator, which is how we learn, but we are protected from actually crashing the plane. We have safety.
I think that's really important and connects to what you said further about feeling your grief physically as what's needed to fully heal.
Therapy can be a simulator as well, in that it's a very bounded relationship where, in theory, we can make all kinds of "errors" and still continue the relationship as the therapist is supposed to contain our errors, interpret them, and retain unconditional positive regard. Of course therapy as simulator has limits, and involves another human, and we can crash that relationship too, or the therapist can.
And so what is the "real life" that AI and therapy is a simulator for?
A simulator is limited in the sense that it doesn't include all of us, all parts of us, emotional, intellectual, cognitive and physical, spiritual perhaps. Whereas "real life" engages all parts.
We understandably need simulators. We need training wheels, the support we never got as children, the graduated scaffolding of learning that we did not get when as young children we were just hit full force with the brutality of life, with problems way too complex for us to handle, full on with emotional and physical pain. We were not protected. We need safety!!
And, after a time of AI, therapy, books, and other "simulators," we need to gradually engage IRL? I don't love "in real life" because AI, therapy, and books are certainly real. Maybe we need to engage "fully"? "full on"? Engage without the training wheels?
To go with the bike metaphor, the first time the parent (in my case an uncle because I could NOT trust my parent and couldn't learn from them, which they blamed me for!) lets go of the bike without training wheels, I was fully present! Intensely present. Scared, exhilarated, focused, balancing, and all the consequences were going to come to me, it would be me that fell, my knee scraped, my body hitting the pavement. This was not a simulation. It was a very "real" moment, a moment where all of me was engaged physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. All of me was fully present.
But that full presence can only happen after enough practice, practicing safely and practicing safety. How can I feel safer right now? is a question that can bring me fully into the present. And a question that will often bring tears.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by dollyvee - January 22, 2026, 09:26:04 AMHi Hope,
Welcome to 2026 and your starting a new year
That's a really good list of things for you to focus on.
All the best for 2026
dolly
Welcome to 2026 and your starting a new year
That's a really good list of things for you to focus on.
All the best for 2026
dolly