Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 13, 2026, 05:23:16 PMIt sounds like you're doing exactly what you know how to do to get through this - and that matters.
You get to choose your own pace and limits, without pressure or expectations, and you also deserve moments that are more than just surviving when they're possible.
You get to choose your own pace and limits, without pressure or expectations, and you also deserve moments that are more than just surviving when they're possible.
#22
Books & Articles / Re: Gisèle Pelicot - A Hymn to...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 13, 2026, 05:19:53 PMI have been totally astonished by Mme Pelicot's courage and dignity in all of this. I believe the whole situation has caused a family rift between her and her daughter, which is very sad. Plus the upset for the families of the participants in this vile abuse. I feel I ought to try to read her book at some stage.
#23
Books & Articles / Re: Gisèle Pelicot - A Hymn to...
Last post by Kizzie - February 13, 2026, 04:48:51 PM"Shame must change sides". Absolutely!
Have you read the book yet SO? I remember when her story first came out I was amazed she had chosen to disclose publicly and say "No!" to shame. So courageous because although she did not own the shame (as we do not), I know there were those who questioned how she could not have known even having been drugged.
If you've read the book I'm curious to know if she talks about having CPTSD given she was drugged and unconscious when the abuse occurred. It must have been psychologically shattering to discover the years of abuse no matter what, but it's different in a way than being aware of our abuse even if we dissociate because the memories are there if deep down. Part of us knows whereas for her, there are no memories.
Have you read the book yet SO? I remember when her story first came out I was amazed she had chosen to disclose publicly and say "No!" to shame. So courageous because although she did not own the shame (as we do not), I know there were those who questioned how she could not have known even having been drugged.
If you've read the book I'm curious to know if she talks about having CPTSD given she was drugged and unconscious when the abuse occurred. It must have been psychologically shattering to discover the years of abuse no matter what, but it's different in a way than being aware of our abuse even if we dissociate because the memories are there if deep down. Part of us knows whereas for her, there are no memories.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 13, 2026, 04:40:16 PMsanmagic7, I am so sorry to hear your D is going through this! I have to admit at 2 am I feel so alone, and then.... so many people have had it. It's a good corrective but a terrible club I wish no one had to be in. She's lucky to have you for support as much as she will allow or can receive. Thank you for reading and commenting and thank you for the hug, clarity and strength. It does feel like a tightrope decision but I am lucky to have time to gather more information that will make it more obvious I think. Kind of takes over one's life! I've fallen back into old habits, I put the kids on the bus and went back to bed and it's noon. I don't sleep I just stare, turn over, stare, turn over. I have several clients I need to respond to and I just.... dont' care. Luckily it's Friday. I have the weekend to be puddle of jello as both kids have weekend events. Will reconstitute Monday, LOL.
#25
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: opening up to support
Last post by Kizzie - February 13, 2026, 04:27:58 PMHi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Moshi 
Just my thoughts here but it takes a while when building relationships to have the kind of connection and trust to begin to share anything about our trauma. I like your idea of starting here and getting that feeling of connection, understanding and support you want (and deserve). We get it and we're going to be here for you whilst those who are non-survivors may be intimidated, perhaps even a bit overwhelmed to hear about your past unless they have come to know you well first.
It's hard I know but not everyone who is a non-survivor is secure enough in themselves to treat any disclosures from us with the respect and compassion we need. That's why it is so good you found your way here because we are
Just my thoughts here but it takes a while when building relationships to have the kind of connection and trust to begin to share anything about our trauma. I like your idea of starting here and getting that feeling of connection, understanding and support you want (and deserve). We get it and we're going to be here for you whilst those who are non-survivors may be intimidated, perhaps even a bit overwhelmed to hear about your past unless they have come to know you well first.
It's hard I know but not everyone who is a non-survivor is secure enough in themselves to treat any disclosures from us with the respect and compassion we need. That's why it is so good you found your way here because we are
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 13, 2026, 03:45:26 PMThanks all. 
My T thinks this has been a very positive development for me. By the time she expressed this view I was already pointing out the helpful sides of it. I think I was upset because this was a large step in my emotional acceptance of the fact that to FOO I am just a cog in their dysfunctional machine. I've known it intellectually for a long time, and I think I have emotionally realised it for quite some time in the case of my M. Because my F is generally so distant I (or rather Little NK) may have harboured some hope that perhaps he has more regard for me than a mere cog, but just has not been able to express that.
I don't feel sad or angry any more. I mean, I do still feel righteous indignation about all sorts of aspects, but my basic feeling is that sort of sour, flat acceptance when you realise something is what it is and you cannot change it. So now I must concentrate on how I will navigate the situation ongoing.
M phoned me today with an update I was not really interested in. I think she realises she has been played by F, though. She said he is so grateful he was not shoved into a care home. (This from the man who suggested an ongoing care need in the first place!) I said to her "I don't think he ever had the slightest intention of going there." She was taken aback by this comment, giggled in a sort of embarrassed way, and promptly changed the subject. Whatever her view about having been played by him she will not like the fact that I have seen through the situation.
Annoyingly, I made a couple of other helpful suggestions during this saga. I hope that from now on I will be able to override this tendency and STFU. I have got better at that over recent years, but still. Even more annoyingly, M has decided that the other two suggestions are completely helpful and she is following both of them up. F needs to agree to both and I am not clear if he has agreed to either. One involves obtaining a device to enable F to access his emails if he has to go into hospital again. He is a complete Luddite where technology is concerned. She is obtaining one herself and plans to learn how to use it so she can then teach him. Unfortunately it is a brand she knows I use and I can foresee being asked to teach her. That could be an interesting conversation, given I don't plan to be involved in anything "to help F". Not because I am unwilling to help with anything ever again (though my willingness is a very thin thread by now) but because I am not going to get sucked into some pointless activity that F does not even want but does not have the guts to be truthful about. Been there, done that.
My T thinks this has been a very positive development for me. By the time she expressed this view I was already pointing out the helpful sides of it. I think I was upset because this was a large step in my emotional acceptance of the fact that to FOO I am just a cog in their dysfunctional machine. I've known it intellectually for a long time, and I think I have emotionally realised it for quite some time in the case of my M. Because my F is generally so distant I (or rather Little NK) may have harboured some hope that perhaps he has more regard for me than a mere cog, but just has not been able to express that.
I don't feel sad or angry any more. I mean, I do still feel righteous indignation about all sorts of aspects, but my basic feeling is that sort of sour, flat acceptance when you realise something is what it is and you cannot change it. So now I must concentrate on how I will navigate the situation ongoing.
M phoned me today with an update I was not really interested in. I think she realises she has been played by F, though. She said he is so grateful he was not shoved into a care home. (This from the man who suggested an ongoing care need in the first place!) I said to her "I don't think he ever had the slightest intention of going there." She was taken aback by this comment, giggled in a sort of embarrassed way, and promptly changed the subject. Whatever her view about having been played by him she will not like the fact that I have seen through the situation.
Annoyingly, I made a couple of other helpful suggestions during this saga. I hope that from now on I will be able to override this tendency and STFU. I have got better at that over recent years, but still. Even more annoyingly, M has decided that the other two suggestions are completely helpful and she is following both of them up. F needs to agree to both and I am not clear if he has agreed to either. One involves obtaining a device to enable F to access his emails if he has to go into hospital again. He is a complete Luddite where technology is concerned. She is obtaining one herself and plans to learn how to use it so she can then teach him. Unfortunately it is a brand she knows I use and I can foresee being asked to teach her. That could be an interesting conversation, given I don't plan to be involved in anything "to help F". Not because I am unwilling to help with anything ever again (though my willingness is a very thin thread by now) but because I am not going to get sucked into some pointless activity that F does not even want but does not have the guts to be truthful about. Been there, done that.
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 13, 2026, 03:29:28 PMthanks for the hug, TBB. back atcha!
my D got stronger medicine than what we could get OTC, and she's managing it pretty well. she has terrible anxiety about taking pills/meds cuz they're messing w/ her brain and she had a bad trip w/ pot many years ago, so anything that taps into the brain for her is triggering. but, she's doing pretty well w/ the stuff she has now.
so far, i'm just tired, but i don't believe i'm sick. thank all the stars for that.
last nite i realized i was feeling a lot of pressure from people telling me to make sure to take care of myself, put my 02 mask on first. i may live for my kids, but i don't die for them, unless there's some kind of extenuating circumstance, and i've already talked about that w/ my D. i ran away to mexico as a way to take care of myself when i was on the brink cuz of D1 and ex-hub. i don't know what else to do but be here for her when she's too sick to be here for herself.
the difference is the abuse. here, now, there is none. then, it was flying at me from several different directions at once. that was killing me, this isn't. it wears me out, but i can survive that - have been all my life, so i'm very practiced at it. don't know exactly why i felt i had to explain myself. i think i'm trying to shrug the pressure off that i feel. funny how something so kind and positive can feel like some pressurized expectation that i can't possibly live up to.
maybe it's just me. i'm doing the best i can. maybe it doesn't look that way to others, maybe i can't explain it correctly here. i just do what i do, as much as i can, as long as i can stay sane, i'm surviving.
did i just fly into an EF? is there anger, like i felt a boundary's been crossed? am i feeling defensive? defending my way of doing things? i don't know. all, none, some. maybe i'm more tired than i know, but i will survive.
my D got stronger medicine than what we could get OTC, and she's managing it pretty well. she has terrible anxiety about taking pills/meds cuz they're messing w/ her brain and she had a bad trip w/ pot many years ago, so anything that taps into the brain for her is triggering. but, she's doing pretty well w/ the stuff she has now.
so far, i'm just tired, but i don't believe i'm sick. thank all the stars for that.
last nite i realized i was feeling a lot of pressure from people telling me to make sure to take care of myself, put my 02 mask on first. i may live for my kids, but i don't die for them, unless there's some kind of extenuating circumstance, and i've already talked about that w/ my D. i ran away to mexico as a way to take care of myself when i was on the brink cuz of D1 and ex-hub. i don't know what else to do but be here for her when she's too sick to be here for herself.
the difference is the abuse. here, now, there is none. then, it was flying at me from several different directions at once. that was killing me, this isn't. it wears me out, but i can survive that - have been all my life, so i'm very practiced at it. don't know exactly why i felt i had to explain myself. i think i'm trying to shrug the pressure off that i feel. funny how something so kind and positive can feel like some pressurized expectation that i can't possibly live up to.
maybe it's just me. i'm doing the best i can. maybe it doesn't look that way to others, maybe i can't explain it correctly here. i just do what i do, as much as i can, as long as i can stay sane, i'm surviving.
did i just fly into an EF? is there anger, like i felt a boundary's been crossed? am i feeling defensive? defending my way of doing things? i don't know. all, none, some. maybe i'm more tired than i know, but i will survive.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 13, 2026, 03:18:49 PMQuote from: GoSlash27 on February 13, 2026, 02:37:00 PMShe asked me about my memories from that period and urged me to write it all down.
Be gentle with yourself as you do so, Slashy. What gentle looks like may depend on whether you unearth a load of challenging memories, or whether you have trouble unearthing any at all. I've tried to unearth memories from a time in my childhood when I feel I should remember more than I do. I have some weirdly accurate pointers. I remembered the name of a hotel where my parents liked to socialise when I was under 5. This meant I was able to Google it and I hoped pictures might jog some memories. There are some online photos from the 1970s but they didn't yield anything. I remember the name of a medical professor my sister was taken to in connection with walking problems. I never even met the man! Anyway, I research any clues that pop up in my brain whenever they do but so far have not made any headway.
I hope you can achieve what you hope to, but memory is a slippery fish. Especially if our brain is trying to keep it from us for some reason.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 13, 2026, 03:14:43 PMNK, thank you for allowing all the information on empathy to stand here. it was quite distressing to me on some level, but so informative on another, explaining so much i didn't understand about my self.
one piece that i related to was the idea of being the giver/fixer, hoping someone would give and fix for me. that came from the idea of leading by example. i remember many times thinking how i loved someone the way i wanted to be loved, but no one ever picked up on it, and that confused me. i think i simply became enmeshed in my own wants and needs w/o being able to understand that others could never see them. what a fruitless way to live, altho seeing it as trauma-based makes it bearable.
whew! i hope your own FOO circus calms down and you can eventually understand your own being in the midst of it. love and hugs
one piece that i related to was the idea of being the giver/fixer, hoping someone would give and fix for me. that came from the idea of leading by example. i remember many times thinking how i loved someone the way i wanted to be loved, but no one ever picked up on it, and that confused me. i think i simply became enmeshed in my own wants and needs w/o being able to understand that others could never see them. what a fruitless way to live, altho seeing it as trauma-based makes it bearable.
whew! i hope your own FOO circus calms down and you can eventually understand your own being in the midst of it. love and hugs
#30
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: opening up to support
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 13, 2026, 03:03:43 PMWelcome, Moshi
You're not alone here. What you described makes sense, and I hope this space helps you feel seen, understood, and supported as you find your way through it.
(If that's ok)
You're not alone here. What you described makes sense, and I hope this space helps you feel seen, understood, and supported as you find your way through it.
(If that's ok)