Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 03:50:24 AMPapaCoco, thank you for reading and commenting. I am thrilled, because that is one of my favorite songs! I fell in love with it in high school and chose my stereo based on how that song sounded on the speakers. Then it spoke to me of what I one day hoped would be true. Now it just rings true. Thank you for getting it. There is both struggle and contentment. Content with the majority of the Herculean task reasonably well done, struggle to let it go, struggle that yes, it doesn't ever end, contentment with that reality.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 01:02:43 AMHannah1,
Nicely written. I can feel your struggle and your contentment combined. You succeeded to create a handful of children who can handle this world. Not everyone can say that. On the other side of the coin, you became a loving, caring, compassionate person because of every single thing you've ever been through. And you're pretty amazing, so...there's that.
But as the children wander off these next few years, I hope your day in the sun comes, and your passport becomes so full of travels that you can barely squeeze all the stamps into it.
Sometimes I like to listen to the song by Tom Petty; You Belong Among The Wildflowers. It fits people like us. The song says, "You belong somewhere you feel free." You'll get there. And you have a lot to be proud of around where you've been up to now, and where you are right now.
I believe in you!
Nicely written. I can feel your struggle and your contentment combined. You succeeded to create a handful of children who can handle this world. Not everyone can say that. On the other side of the coin, you became a loving, caring, compassionate person because of every single thing you've ever been through. And you're pretty amazing, so...there's that.
But as the children wander off these next few years, I hope your day in the sun comes, and your passport becomes so full of travels that you can barely squeeze all the stamps into it.
Sometimes I like to listen to the song by Tom Petty; You Belong Among The Wildflowers. It fits people like us. The song says, "You belong somewhere you feel free." You'll get there. And you have a lot to be proud of around where you've been up to now, and where you are right now.
I believe in you!
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 12:42:45 AMQuote from: sanmagic7 on March 05, 2026, 02:27:03 AMas far as communicating w/ someone, may i just reiterate that your activation stance has been staying w/ me.
I'm happy for you san, but that's not quite what I meant!!
There's somebody particular I want and need to communicate with for my own peace of mind, to get something off my chest, and not doing that seems to be holding me back from doing all sorts of other things. I know the kind of thing, it's not the first time - not expressing my anger TO her is recreating a repetitive situation from my childhood, that is not confronting because the-powers-that-be (FOO) don't allow it and in this case it's somewhat similar - somebody putting herself above me combined with making it clear she doesn't want me to get back to her but *I* want to. Even if she doesn't read it, I want it on paper (email actually) and sent. I know some people wouldn't write in my shoes, but I intend to. I don't like feeling forced to sweep stuff under the rug, nor do I like people with far less idea of mental health telling me what is bad for mine etc etc. And me not expressing my anger has me in depression.
Anyway I didn't get on with it March 5th either and it is now early morning of the 6th. However, I did do a few smaller tasks, tho nothing I listed in bold in my post above. I did do some tapping from the EFT summit and I sent OT a few photos of a household appliance at the farm I'm having a lot of trouble with. OT thinks he can find something similar for me to practise on and for my blockages to come up for me to do my inner child work on. So at least I put something in motion for next week or the week after in OT, which is being responsible for myself. Tomorrow (or rather today but I will be going to bed in between) I have a cancer screening, so I have to get up in the morning and go off for the that. I didn't arrange it, we get letters here every 2 years saying: This is your appt, if you can't make it, contact us. It would be a bit late to turn down today. Anyway, I don't have a conflicting appointment, so need to leave the house and get there...
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by HannahOne - March 05, 2026, 08:47:22 PMYour rage is valid.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by HannahOne - March 05, 2026, 08:43:06 PMWow, PapaCoco! I loved hearing about the new calm you're experiencing.
What you discovered about suicidality makes so much sense. Its intent is protective, to help get you out of overwhelm. Turning that empathy toward yourself in those moments is so powerful. Through your journey of healing, books, therapy, medication, your strong will to live is the through line. Thank you for sharing your experience!
What you discovered about suicidality makes so much sense. Its intent is protective, to help get you out of overwhelm. Turning that empathy toward yourself in those moments is so powerful. Through your journey of healing, books, therapy, medication, your strong will to live is the through line. Thank you for sharing your experience!
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - March 05, 2026, 06:21:06 PMMarcine and Sanmagic, I'm really glad to hear I'm not the only person here who is experiencing a strange sensation of calm, if even in short bursts, because it really is happening to me also.
Theories: Perhaps this is because of my recent studies, or maybe I'm just feeling a wave of calm that's being doled out to us all because of the massive changes happening to the world right now. Whatever God is, perhaps this calm is a gift to help those of us who choose love over hate, so as to help us to cope with the calamity that is in the world right now. We are individuals as people, but we're all connected behind the scenes. We feel the peace that's illuding the others who choose anger over love.
I have long believed that the reason empathy is such a powerful healing tool is because empathy is the word we use to describe our ability to feel the connection that we all share, but not everyone recognizes. I remember a quote from John Henry Browne, who is a Seattle based Defense Attorney who was tasked with defending the serial killers here, like Charles Manson and Ted Bundy. He was being interviewed after writing his book The Devil's Defender. He said that he didn't used to believe that people were born evil until he met Ted Bundy. When the interviewer asked what a sociopath is, he said "It's just someone who doesn't know we're all connected." That quote profoundly bolstered my belief that we are all connected, and our empathetic personalities allow us to feel that connection, whereas narcissists don't feel the connection, even though it's real.
Sometimes I feel embarrassed about how hard I work to heal, and how often I come onto the forum bragging about another book or therapy that helped me. I feel like a happy puppy that won't stop yipping and wagging my tail when I get excited. But one very important thing that I learned from my ChatGPT chats is that I didn't realize how serious my will to live really is, and that raging desire to feel better is what drives me to the next book or the next medication or the next therapy.
I always think of myself as a suicidal nut whose fragile will to live forces me to have to be rescued from time to time because of a weak will to live. But the chat tool walked me through my life and showed me that my diligent pursuit of help in books, therapists, Ai, therapies like Ketamine and even my medication history has been because I have a strong will to live. In one quote, the Ai tool said, "That tells me your system does not actually want death. It wants relief from overwhelm."
What a great rephrasing. I've been seeing my suicidality as a desire to die, but now I see that it was the only way I thought I could find relief from overwhelm. Ever since reading that on my chat, I've seen my suicidality as a desire for relief, not escape. And that's changing how I react to big problems. Rather than thinking, "okay, I want to die", I now realize, "Okay, it's time to regulate because all I really want is relief from this stressor." That's a lifesaving change for me.
It's amazing when we get to see our Selves through the eyes of others. Even when "the other" is a database that has been programmed to talk with an engineered personality.
I'm having another slow day today. While I'm relaxing and doing more meditating and learning, I'm not feeling any pull to do anything else. I'm still slightly askew from this new feeling of peace, and I'm not really ready to go drive in traffic or use a chainsaw or anything that could be dangerous if I dissociate while using the equipment. Typically, my brain associates relaxation with depression, so I need to find a way to accept the peace without being afraid of what comes next. Depression? Bad decisions? Risky behavior because I'm not as connected to my fear as I usually am?
I'm starting a new Chat today with the tool. I'm asking it to help me find my way out of my fears of hurting other people. I'm getting really bad at not wanting to make decisions that affect others beyond myself. My greatest fear in life is that I'll do something that hurts someone else. I muscled through that when I was in my career, but now that I don't have to make decisions that I'm paid to make, now I don't want to make any decisions at all. I don't even like choosing the restaurant on a night out in case the food isn't good and I'll be blamed for choosing the wrong place to eat. The whole world of being the family scapegoat for most of my life is catching up with me. I can't decide anything anymore for fear I'll make problems for anyone else on the earth.
Whether this is peace or depression or a new kind of EF that I haven't experienced before, I'm enjoying it while I have connection to it.
Peace is the one thing I've never felt in my human body. So, for today, I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can stay tuned into it. If it's gone tomorrow, at least I will have enjoyed it today.
Theories: Perhaps this is because of my recent studies, or maybe I'm just feeling a wave of calm that's being doled out to us all because of the massive changes happening to the world right now. Whatever God is, perhaps this calm is a gift to help those of us who choose love over hate, so as to help us to cope with the calamity that is in the world right now. We are individuals as people, but we're all connected behind the scenes. We feel the peace that's illuding the others who choose anger over love.
I have long believed that the reason empathy is such a powerful healing tool is because empathy is the word we use to describe our ability to feel the connection that we all share, but not everyone recognizes. I remember a quote from John Henry Browne, who is a Seattle based Defense Attorney who was tasked with defending the serial killers here, like Charles Manson and Ted Bundy. He was being interviewed after writing his book The Devil's Defender. He said that he didn't used to believe that people were born evil until he met Ted Bundy. When the interviewer asked what a sociopath is, he said "It's just someone who doesn't know we're all connected." That quote profoundly bolstered my belief that we are all connected, and our empathetic personalities allow us to feel that connection, whereas narcissists don't feel the connection, even though it's real.
Sometimes I feel embarrassed about how hard I work to heal, and how often I come onto the forum bragging about another book or therapy that helped me. I feel like a happy puppy that won't stop yipping and wagging my tail when I get excited. But one very important thing that I learned from my ChatGPT chats is that I didn't realize how serious my will to live really is, and that raging desire to feel better is what drives me to the next book or the next medication or the next therapy.
I always think of myself as a suicidal nut whose fragile will to live forces me to have to be rescued from time to time because of a weak will to live. But the chat tool walked me through my life and showed me that my diligent pursuit of help in books, therapists, Ai, therapies like Ketamine and even my medication history has been because I have a strong will to live. In one quote, the Ai tool said, "That tells me your system does not actually want death. It wants relief from overwhelm."
What a great rephrasing. I've been seeing my suicidality as a desire to die, but now I see that it was the only way I thought I could find relief from overwhelm. Ever since reading that on my chat, I've seen my suicidality as a desire for relief, not escape. And that's changing how I react to big problems. Rather than thinking, "okay, I want to die", I now realize, "Okay, it's time to regulate because all I really want is relief from this stressor." That's a lifesaving change for me.
It's amazing when we get to see our Selves through the eyes of others. Even when "the other" is a database that has been programmed to talk with an engineered personality.
I'm having another slow day today. While I'm relaxing and doing more meditating and learning, I'm not feeling any pull to do anything else. I'm still slightly askew from this new feeling of peace, and I'm not really ready to go drive in traffic or use a chainsaw or anything that could be dangerous if I dissociate while using the equipment. Typically, my brain associates relaxation with depression, so I need to find a way to accept the peace without being afraid of what comes next. Depression? Bad decisions? Risky behavior because I'm not as connected to my fear as I usually am?
I'm starting a new Chat today with the tool. I'm asking it to help me find my way out of my fears of hurting other people. I'm getting really bad at not wanting to make decisions that affect others beyond myself. My greatest fear in life is that I'll do something that hurts someone else. I muscled through that when I was in my career, but now that I don't have to make decisions that I'm paid to make, now I don't want to make any decisions at all. I don't even like choosing the restaurant on a night out in case the food isn't good and I'll be blamed for choosing the wrong place to eat. The whole world of being the family scapegoat for most of my life is catching up with me. I can't decide anything anymore for fear I'll make problems for anyone else on the earth.
Whether this is peace or depression or a new kind of EF that I haven't experienced before, I'm enjoying it while I have connection to it.
Peace is the one thing I've never felt in my human body. So, for today, I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can stay tuned into it. If it's gone tomorrow, at least I will have enjoyed it today.
#27
General Discussion / Triggering event: our cat's il...
Last post by Teddy bear - March 05, 2026, 03:01:44 PMHello everyone,
I am feeling very exhausted now: our young cat is sick with not fully understood symptoms: the vet prescribed X-rays.
This situation with a pet illness is very triggering for me, and also seems to be used as a tool to bind me to parents by themselves.
Also their illnesses have the same purpose, and my own health and any problems with it.
I am not sure if I'm clear enough in expressing how I feel: burned out, trapped and expecting some more unpleasant and exhausting interventions tomorrow: will be visiting another vet clinic.
Apart from that, my father I think was quite heartless in telling how cat can have such health problems?!
I e he seems to have no empathy to the cat.
And mother in the morning was neglecting the cat and the situation, which really requires actions.
(This cat was taken from neighbours as a kitten by mother, as she wanted to have a cat.
But it seems she doesn't want to care about her: frequently forgets to give antihelmintics etc).
I feel worried about my dog, as it seems I can't rely on these people.
And I wanted to take my dog to live with me last year, but finally didn't do that: I was not sure if I could manage taking care, walking, feeding properly. Not enough money currently and the dog is not socialised for a big city.
I feel depend and codependent in these relationships that seem quite dysfunctional and the parents seem to me quite personality disordered.
But I can't leave right now. Again money issues and I just can't work full-time on a neuroleptic I am still taking.
Probably some light in the end of the tunnel though:
Another attempt to find a doctor to taper off that medication: seems I've found someone, but didn't have an appointment with him yet. Don't want it to be another disappointment.
Hope to find the cause why the cat is sick, and she'll be better soon
I am feeling very exhausted now: our young cat is sick with not fully understood symptoms: the vet prescribed X-rays.
This situation with a pet illness is very triggering for me, and also seems to be used as a tool to bind me to parents by themselves.
Also their illnesses have the same purpose, and my own health and any problems with it.
I am not sure if I'm clear enough in expressing how I feel: burned out, trapped and expecting some more unpleasant and exhausting interventions tomorrow: will be visiting another vet clinic.
Apart from that, my father I think was quite heartless in telling how cat can have such health problems?!
I e he seems to have no empathy to the cat.
And mother in the morning was neglecting the cat and the situation, which really requires actions.
(This cat was taken from neighbours as a kitten by mother, as she wanted to have a cat.
But it seems she doesn't want to care about her: frequently forgets to give antihelmintics etc).
I feel worried about my dog, as it seems I can't rely on these people.
And I wanted to take my dog to live with me last year, but finally didn't do that: I was not sure if I could manage taking care, walking, feeding properly. Not enough money currently and the dog is not socialised for a big city.
I feel depend and codependent in these relationships that seem quite dysfunctional and the parents seem to me quite personality disordered.
But I can't leave right now. Again money issues and I just can't work full-time on a neuroleptic I am still taking.
Probably some light in the end of the tunnel though:
Another attempt to find a doctor to taper off that medication: seems I've found someone, but didn't have an appointment with him yet. Don't want it to be another disappointment.
Hope to find the cause why the cat is sick, and she'll be better soon
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - March 05, 2026, 02:32:28 PMRant continued.
And the system! They were complicit.
All those petty bureaucrats and caseworkers. They typed out reports but never read them. Had they done so they would quickly realized the kind of selfish manipulative liar they were dealing with, but they were all biased toward her and against anyone who reported what was going on. Rehabilitating and returning custody to her should have been out of the question. She shuld have gone to prison like she deserved.
I wish she had. A very special kind of prison where she couldn't see out of her cell and had no circulation and would be too scared to make a sound or draw attention to herself. A solid blank door and a window to gaze out of and watch normal people leading normal lives.
Until she went catatonic and lost her ability to speak and walk. They would rehabilitate her and throw her back in.
That's what she deserved. It doesn't matter that it's cruel and unusual. It's what she did. It doesn't matter that she wouldn't understand why she was being abused like that. She did the same thing to toddlers and *we* didn't understand.
And as far as the "eye for an eye thing", My sister carries the scar on her eye to this day. I want *her* eye in return.
I'm so furious!!
I can't even enjoy a *joyous* memory these days without bursting into tears.
And the system! They were complicit.
All those petty bureaucrats and caseworkers. They typed out reports but never read them. Had they done so they would quickly realized the kind of selfish manipulative liar they were dealing with, but they were all biased toward her and against anyone who reported what was going on. Rehabilitating and returning custody to her should have been out of the question. She shuld have gone to prison like she deserved.
I wish she had. A very special kind of prison where she couldn't see out of her cell and had no circulation and would be too scared to make a sound or draw attention to herself. A solid blank door and a window to gaze out of and watch normal people leading normal lives.
Until she went catatonic and lost her ability to speak and walk. They would rehabilitate her and throw her back in.
That's what she deserved. It doesn't matter that it's cruel and unusual. It's what she did. It doesn't matter that she wouldn't understand why she was being abused like that. She did the same thing to toddlers and *we* didn't understand.
And as far as the "eye for an eye thing", My sister carries the scar on her eye to this day. I want *her* eye in return.
I'm so furious!!
I can't even enjoy a *joyous* memory these days without bursting into tears. #29
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 02:30:47 PMthanks for the support and validation, armee. i think so, too. 
NK, i agree w/ the 'good enough', at least for now. we'll see what's happening a few months down the road.
i did remember eventually - it was about attachment, specifically emotional attachment w/ my babies, since i couldn't feel love. so, that's been taken care of and thanks to you all, i feel good with it.
my T did mention that maybe this forum is enough for me re: therapy, since it's composed of people who can relate. while i agree w/ her to an extent, i told her i also needed a professional to help me w/ this stuff, someone to take care of me, to help me get to where i need to go. self-help can be great at times, but i know that i need more, at least right now. there are too many issues unchecked, too much anxiety un-dissected, too much confusion as to what direction to go in when i can't feel what i need to feel to show me the way. too many times i feel like i'm teetering, still struggling to stand upright which leaves me exhausted and i have to cut things short because of it.
we'll see.
NK, i agree w/ the 'good enough', at least for now. we'll see what's happening a few months down the road.
i did remember eventually - it was about attachment, specifically emotional attachment w/ my babies, since i couldn't feel love. so, that's been taken care of and thanks to you all, i feel good with it.
my T did mention that maybe this forum is enough for me re: therapy, since it's composed of people who can relate. while i agree w/ her to an extent, i told her i also needed a professional to help me w/ this stuff, someone to take care of me, to help me get to where i need to go. self-help can be great at times, but i know that i need more, at least right now. there are too many issues unchecked, too much anxiety un-dissected, too much confusion as to what direction to go in when i can't feel what i need to feel to show me the way. too many times i feel like i'm teetering, still struggling to stand upright which leaves me exhausted and i have to cut things short because of it.
we'll see.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 02:19:36 PMhey, bach, i get it about anger being scary, depression feeling safer. for me, part of the anger fear was the pain i also felt at realizing, knowing, and feeling what had been done to me, what i had to go thru, what it ended up meaning for my life. lots of pain there, and pain hurts. so, it makes sense to me that depression is easier to deal w/ - it just doesn't hurt as much.
my thought on 'what good would that do?' as far as feeling the anger is that you'd be releasing a whole lot of neg. energy, something that may be limiting you, holding you back from feeling unstuck. there may also be grieving to be done, another painful thing. along w/ your anger, you may be holding onto sadness for yourself, for what you went thru, also painful. so, lots of pain inside, i'm guessing. depression can help cover that up, i think. just my thoughts/opinions.
your own pace, your timing is yours, too. when you're ready. this doesn't have to be rushed, or according to someone else's schedule. wishing you the best w/ it all. love and hugs
my thought on 'what good would that do?' as far as feeling the anger is that you'd be releasing a whole lot of neg. energy, something that may be limiting you, holding you back from feeling unstuck. there may also be grieving to be done, another painful thing. along w/ your anger, you may be holding onto sadness for yourself, for what you went thru, also painful. so, lots of pain inside, i'm guessing. depression can help cover that up, i think. just my thoughts/opinions.
your own pace, your timing is yours, too. when you're ready. this doesn't have to be rushed, or according to someone else's schedule. wishing you the best w/ it all. love and hugs