Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 28, 2026, 09:58:06 PMChart and TheBigBlue, thank you for commenting and being soggy with me 
the BigBlue maybe you're right... the tools that are left. Sometimes run out of tools. SanMagic7, thank you for the virtual rainbow blanket you sent! Very warm and rainbow-y. You reminded me of something important.
I used to use a lot of imagery. I am going to return to that. I was very afraid of giving birth, and I am afraid of doctors. So I needed to use a midwife at home, and that meant no pain medication. And for various reasons birth was a little more risky for me. So I had to get the baby out smoothly so I could stay home and avoid going to the hospital. So I had to learn how to be unafraid and manage the pain. And self-hypnosis worked very well. I did hours a day of guided imagery on how to have a rainbow waterfall of main medication, how to have a pain dial, how to ride through pain. And I had no pain in either labor, both babies born healthy, both a natural high. The high of my life. I know imagery works for me. When the first baby came out I said, "That was easy, let's do it again!" LOL. And....we did.
I am going to work on that "internal dial" to manage the intensity of my experience Slashy and I were talking about. I'm going to reimagine the safe spaces I used to use. And the rainbow waterfall. And add this rainbow blanket from SanMagic7. And I used to have a black bear. A mama bear. I had a thermometer where I could turn pain up and down. Not dissociate, not turn off my senses entirely. Just turn pain up and down. I had one therapist who helped me create all kinds of internal resources during the infernal EMDR, which I do not recommend EMDR for us.... but the internal resources really helped. Since my external resources are a bit shaky right now, this will help. It's also much more productive to do imagery than to just space out, and it's only a small step. It's one I can do.
Meanwhile I'm trying to make strides. Went to my kid's horse clinic today, they rode SO WELL. it was amazing to see every time they adjusted their body, the horse responded and went rounder. Every time they opened the hand, loosened their back, dropped their heel, the horse moved out bigger, dropped its head lower. In the same way if I make small adjustments, my horse, my soul, will drop its head and breathe and go. more forward, more round, more bend. I can keep making small adjustments. It's not a big dramatic move, most people wouldn't see the small shifts my kid was making. Small.
Came home from the horse clinic, small steps. Did not get into bed. Did some dishes, rotated laundry, picked up my room, repacked my hiking suitcase. 4 weeks to go. Resting now for 20 minutes, I'm going to stay up and moving today.
After talking with some friends I am considering more seriously what I wrote yesterday. Ok I don't believe in a sky daddy and I don't believe in therapy mommy. I'm fifty. Maybe I need to believe more in myself. Myself. Me. I know some of my experience is "outside the realm of normal", that's what "trauma" is defined as. And so I'm a little outside the realm of typical in some ways. Most people don't notice it. It's a small difference overall. And, I'm still good. I can do. I can be. I don't need to hand over so much authority to others. I can author my life and make it fit me. I'm scared, I'm scared of the responsibility, what if I run my life off into the ditch, what if I mess up. But that's dependency. I need to shoulder my own life.
I will have to be aware of falling into the trap of comparison. I will have to be leery of my inner critic who tears me down. I will have to notice when old tapes start playing. I will have to trust myself. If I once trusted a therapist, surely I can trust myself. If I once believed in God, surely I can believe in me.
And I can make small adjustments. I can feel. I feel my body, my horse, my soul, wants to move forward. Wants to breathe, drop its neck. It's not actually afraid... it got spooked but it's ready to move. If I can let go a little in my hands and find balance, if I can loosen my back and look up where I want to go, it will move. I don't need to be on a leash, I'm in a safe arena here, just my little house, little town, little life. Sunlight through the white curtains. Forward into the future. My resting time is over. Back in the saddle.
the BigBlue maybe you're right... the tools that are left. Sometimes run out of tools. SanMagic7, thank you for the virtual rainbow blanket you sent! Very warm and rainbow-y. You reminded me of something important. I used to use a lot of imagery. I am going to return to that. I was very afraid of giving birth, and I am afraid of doctors. So I needed to use a midwife at home, and that meant no pain medication. And for various reasons birth was a little more risky for me. So I had to get the baby out smoothly so I could stay home and avoid going to the hospital. So I had to learn how to be unafraid and manage the pain. And self-hypnosis worked very well. I did hours a day of guided imagery on how to have a rainbow waterfall of main medication, how to have a pain dial, how to ride through pain. And I had no pain in either labor, both babies born healthy, both a natural high. The high of my life. I know imagery works for me. When the first baby came out I said, "That was easy, let's do it again!" LOL. And....we did.
I am going to work on that "internal dial" to manage the intensity of my experience Slashy and I were talking about. I'm going to reimagine the safe spaces I used to use. And the rainbow waterfall. And add this rainbow blanket from SanMagic7. And I used to have a black bear. A mama bear. I had a thermometer where I could turn pain up and down. Not dissociate, not turn off my senses entirely. Just turn pain up and down. I had one therapist who helped me create all kinds of internal resources during the infernal EMDR, which I do not recommend EMDR for us.... but the internal resources really helped. Since my external resources are a bit shaky right now, this will help. It's also much more productive to do imagery than to just space out, and it's only a small step. It's one I can do.
Meanwhile I'm trying to make strides. Went to my kid's horse clinic today, they rode SO WELL. it was amazing to see every time they adjusted their body, the horse responded and went rounder. Every time they opened the hand, loosened their back, dropped their heel, the horse moved out bigger, dropped its head lower. In the same way if I make small adjustments, my horse, my soul, will drop its head and breathe and go. more forward, more round, more bend. I can keep making small adjustments. It's not a big dramatic move, most people wouldn't see the small shifts my kid was making. Small.
Came home from the horse clinic, small steps. Did not get into bed. Did some dishes, rotated laundry, picked up my room, repacked my hiking suitcase. 4 weeks to go. Resting now for 20 minutes, I'm going to stay up and moving today.
After talking with some friends I am considering more seriously what I wrote yesterday. Ok I don't believe in a sky daddy and I don't believe in therapy mommy. I'm fifty. Maybe I need to believe more in myself. Myself. Me. I know some of my experience is "outside the realm of normal", that's what "trauma" is defined as. And so I'm a little outside the realm of typical in some ways. Most people don't notice it. It's a small difference overall. And, I'm still good. I can do. I can be. I don't need to hand over so much authority to others. I can author my life and make it fit me. I'm scared, I'm scared of the responsibility, what if I run my life off into the ditch, what if I mess up. But that's dependency. I need to shoulder my own life.
I will have to be aware of falling into the trap of comparison. I will have to be leery of my inner critic who tears me down. I will have to notice when old tapes start playing. I will have to trust myself. If I once trusted a therapist, surely I can trust myself. If I once believed in God, surely I can believe in me.
And I can make small adjustments. I can feel. I feel my body, my horse, my soul, wants to move forward. Wants to breathe, drop its neck. It's not actually afraid... it got spooked but it's ready to move. If I can let go a little in my hands and find balance, if I can loosen my back and look up where I want to go, it will move. I don't need to be on a leash, I'm in a safe arena here, just my little house, little town, little life. Sunlight through the white curtains. Forward into the future. My resting time is over. Back in the saddle.
#22
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hello (again)
Last post by wintersnow - February 28, 2026, 09:57:26 PMHi, I'm Winter. 
I actually joined this forum a couple of years ago, but I made one post then didn't stick around for whatever reason. Now I'm looking for support again and have re-found you.
I have CPTSD from both my childhood (witnessing domestic violence) and adulthood (emotional abuse). I've fallen into a pattern of keeping people at a distance because I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I'm trying to get un-stuck because I do want to have people in my life.
Looking forward to getting to know you all.
I actually joined this forum a couple of years ago, but I made one post then didn't stick around for whatever reason. Now I'm looking for support again and have re-found you.
I have CPTSD from both my childhood (witnessing domestic violence) and adulthood (emotional abuse). I've fallen into a pattern of keeping people at a distance because I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I'm trying to get un-stuck because I do want to have people in my life.
Looking forward to getting to know you all.
#23
About Complex PTSD / Re: What is Complex PTSD & How...
Last post by Blueberry - February 28, 2026, 09:19:42 PMThanks for posting! Useful presentation.
#24
Physical Abuse / Re: "I'll give you something t...
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 28, 2026, 08:58:27 PMmy heart goes out to you, slash. here's a gentle hug, if that's ok. 
#25
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by Teddy bear - February 28, 2026, 06:25:07 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 28, 2026, 12:36:08 PMI am very grateful to people who are prepared to take part in such studies. Thank you.
I'm glad you have been able to reduce your neuroleptic dosage.
Thank you
#26
Physical Abuse / "I'll give you something to cr...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 28, 2026, 06:17:53 PM All, trigger warning. Do not highlight the text unless you are in a good place.
I have been mulling over what was most psychologically damaging during my first experience of abuse, which required rehab to relearn how to engage with my environment and speak. The interminable months locked or trapped in a stifling room with no human interaction, the physical/ emotional abuse, the neglect, or the abandonment.
I have landed on the physical abuse. Not just being beaten into mere "compliance" or "obedience", but beaten into *silence*. Beaten into fear of making any sound whatsoever. The only way to avoid that punishment amidst all of the other factors is to just shut down completely and dissociate; go catatonic and just... sit there. Silent, listless, unaware. For months. It's the last ditch effort to survive.
My apologies if this is in the wrong place. I didn't know where else to put it.
Best,
-Slashy
I have been mulling over what was most psychologically damaging during my first experience of abuse, which required rehab to relearn how to engage with my environment and speak. The interminable months locked or trapped in a stifling room with no human interaction, the physical/ emotional abuse, the neglect, or the abandonment.
I have landed on the physical abuse. Not just being beaten into mere "compliance" or "obedience", but beaten into *silence*. Beaten into fear of making any sound whatsoever. The only way to avoid that punishment amidst all of the other factors is to just shut down completely and dissociate; go catatonic and just... sit there. Silent, listless, unaware. For months. It's the last ditch effort to survive.
My apologies if this is in the wrong place. I didn't know where else to put it.
Best,
-Slashy
#27
Family / Re: Left out
Last post by Gromit - February 28, 2026, 06:01:10 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 28, 2026, 12:44:28 PMMy guess would be that your mother has decided her policy of sending cards has not worked in her favour and is now using silence to see if that makes a difference. Especially since the suggestion from your cousin's wife that you reach out to her - which your mother might have had something to do with, maybe. Or it could be because her brother encouraged her, as you have suggested. I hope her change of behaviour is not too bothersome for you.
That is a good guess. Her change of behaviour does not bother me, but it bothers my husband, who was all for trying to find out if she was ok. I did ask my niece, but my niece has had nothing to do with her since 2021 and, as my sister did not tell me about my uncle I am not asking her. My husband does not understand any of this, but he leaves it up to me now, thankfully.
G
#28
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 28, 2026, 05:41:26 PM I just want to add that a street address is a wonderful tool for rekindling lost memories. Plug it into Google maps, go to street view, and and look at the house from various angles. It will rekindle all sorts of memories.
In my case, it was also useful in reverse. Confirming or refuting speculative addresses of places that were crystal clear in my mind's eye, but I didn't have a precise address for. "The body remembers". It's how I was able to find my foster parents' house (it was RFD when I was there) and my precise unit and apartment in Northview Heights in 1972. Additionally, it sparked recall of places that I had no previous memory of or had forgotten/ confabulated into different locations.
Street view. Look at the house. Wander the neighborhood. If you were there, you will remember. If you weren't there, you will instantly know.
Best,
-Slashy
In my case, it was also useful in reverse. Confirming or refuting speculative addresses of places that were crystal clear in my mind's eye, but I didn't have a precise address for. "The body remembers". It's how I was able to find my foster parents' house (it was RFD when I was there) and my precise unit and apartment in Northview Heights in 1972. Additionally, it sparked recall of places that I had no previous memory of or had forgotten/ confabulated into different locations.
Street view. Look at the house. Wander the neighborhood. If you were there, you will remember. If you weren't there, you will instantly know.
Best,
-Slashy
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 28, 2026, 05:01:58 PMThere were only two traumatic stretches during that 15 month blackout period.
The neglect/ imprisonment phase at the hands of my mother (approx. 5 months) and the physical/verbal abuse phase at the hands of Miss Pat (approx. 7 months). The intervening time was not stressful or abusive in any way.
I now have a clear recollection of the abuse I had suffered. I remember enough to know what it was like. I can deal with it.
I now understand why my time in McIntyre (It was indeed McIntyre) was so traumatic and I have discovered a new trigger; Closed doors.
The neglect/ imprisonment phase at the hands of my mother (approx. 5 months) and the physical/verbal abuse phase at the hands of Miss Pat (approx. 7 months). The intervening time was not stressful or abusive in any way.
I now have a clear recollection of the abuse I had suffered. I remember enough to know what it was like. I can deal with it.
I now understand why my time in McIntyre (It was indeed McIntyre) was so traumatic and I have discovered a new trigger; Closed doors.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Chart - February 28, 2026, 02:44:59 PMThe dark night of the soul is just that... the descriptive absence of any spark of luminosity doesn't come even close. Just before falling into the pit I called out how once I'd been blind...