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#21

Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...

Last post by Chart - January 28, 2026, 10:16:55 AM

 

#22

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026

Last post by Chart - January 28, 2026, 10:08:29 AM

Thank you Hope, for your kind hosting of this exchange. Me too I was highly stimulated by what TheBigBlue outlined. And it energized me too. PapaCoco often speaks to the power of our exchanges. It is really astounding and helps immensely. Things are making more and more sense. It's like we're constructing our general model of healing relativity. Each person encounters specific elements and has individual circumstances, but a general concept is taking form which seems to be making real sense. I've learned absolutely the greatest insights and understanding from the info related and shared by people on this forum. It's such a complicated issue, but so many highly sensitive, intensely experienced, and profoundly understanding people are pooling together... it's incredibly hopeful. We're all looking for hope... and here you are! Thankyou again.
Gros bisou !

#23

Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...

Last post by dollyvee - January 28, 2026, 10:06:22 AM

The discussion about whether the scapegoat is weak or strong is interesting. I'm not even sure if a FOO would view it in those terms, were they to analyse it. After all, most of the time it is in their interests for the scapegoat to continue to be the scapegoat.

This is interesting NK and I do think in my family there were very much ideas around weak and strong --what is to be done and not done. I think scapegoats have to absorb the family story where to not be identified as weak, they have to be "strong," which is perhaps the very denial of those empathetic characteristics that their family saw in them and wanted to reconstrue because they couldn't handle the truth or the tension of what was happening in the family system. I'm also hesitant to identify with those empathetic characteristics I think because I was caught in a double bind --those characteristics made me strong, and I was supposed to be the saviour of the family, using my strength to help them, which is the part of the "story" that I feel like I have to be careful with. Scapegoats are very willing, according to Scapegoating in Families, to fulfil their role as saviour to keep the family together, and subconsciously take on that "bad" behaviour.

Any dynamic goes into imbalanced chaos when one of its balancing components either changes or falls away. It's always been so easy for me to think of the family as villains versus victims, but what if it's more of a partnership of imbalanced behaviors driven by a family of imbalanced emotions? What if they need me to heal from their "abuse" as much as I need me to heal from it? What if it's more like if I heal, they heal too?

I wrote about this in my journal, but the Scapegoating in Families book goes into more detail about how the family functions as a system and scapegoating is used to provide an outlet for tensions in the family, which is meant to help the survival of the family. So, the child takes it all on as the saviour (but also the burden bearer) where they are IMO acutely aware of their own annihilation for not doing these things. I would be curious about healing yourself to heal others as it perhaps it is more of the same and that by doing this you are then "saving" your family and still trying to fulfil the scapegoat role?

When I combine that sentiment with Chart's, Dolly's and NarcKiddo's thoughts on how the whole family falls into the trap of putting their blame onto someone willing to hold it for them, I see how the less willing I am to take their blame, the more chances we all have at learning how to be accountable for our own dysfunctional feelings.

To me, this is a great way to look at it PC. I know for a long time I felt like I had to prove that I was "right" and my family was "wrong," but it left a big gap for my understanding and ego where I knew that I couldn't be "right" all of the time, and I did/do make mistakes along the way. I was perhaps acting out the dysfunctional ways too that I was shown growing up, but I learned that I have to take responsibility for the things I do along the way too. I want to keep my side of the fence clean; it's much better that way. Not to prove other people wrong, but because it is much less emotionally messy, and I have spent a lifetime carrying other peoples' emotions thinking I had to sort it out for them, to save them.
 

This feels so much more real to me. So any time I allow someone to put their own shame onto me, Both of us, me and them, stop learning how each of us can be accountable for our own emotions and fears and shame and peace and love, etc

I think this sounds like a great boundary to have with someone where maybe you are more free to allow your self space to come out, and be the authentic you. I would also say that in my experience (and from the Fawning book) that it's not always a comfortable experience. Being more authentic is going to make some people uncomfortable.
 

I fear depression far more than I fear anxiety. I've been a Nervous Ned since the day I was born. Anxiety has saved me many times by keeping my guard up. Hypervigilance keeps me aware of danger. Any time I relaxed around my Catholic family or friends, I was vulnerable to their exploitations. So I'm terrified of being relaxed.

Perhaps this is the old scapegoat story though? Or a part of you is still living with that story of who you are?


PC, I also feel a lot to be able to engage in a discussion like this and explore what is going on for each of us. To me, this is relational healing, getting to explore what I never had a context for and a chance to explore growing up.
 

#24

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026

Last post by Hope67 - January 28, 2026, 09:27:21 AM

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you said 

Hi Chart, Thanks for the hug you gave me 

Hi TheBigBlue, Wow, huge thanks for sharing all that very helpful information - it feels so validating and valid in its entirety - so clearly written and I will definitely be coming back regularly to re-read it.  It feels like an exciting 'gift' that you shared it with me - thank you very much!!!   

Hi again Chart, Thank you for adding to what TheBigBlue said, because that is also incredibly helpful, and feels like another exciting 'gift' - thank you so much! 

No need for either of you to move your posts - I very much want you to keep them there, as I will find them invaluable to look back on and process further.  Thank you so much 

**********
28th January 2026
I feel excited by the information shared so generously - it honestly feels invaluable, because it's from people I know are experiencing these things and forging a way forward to work towards integration and it feels very positive and I feel ever more hopeful.

I am grateful to you for sharing it.  Thank you     

#25

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Mostly out of the storm

Last post by Teddy bear - January 28, 2026, 09:22:23 AM

Hey Pelicantown, 👋 and welcome!

Cool list of interests — I share most of them! Although, I have to admit I've barely watched any movies in recent years. Might be a trigger thing.

I'm working through some stuff in therapy, so it's likely just a temporary phase.

Personality-wise, I'm more of a solitude seeker — secluded spots and solo activities are my jam.

And yes, dogs are absolutely amazing! 💯

#26

Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...

Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 28, 2026, 05:12:59 AM

I totally feel this. I feel like a muted person, someone who cannot express emotions. I call it emotionally constipated, though that describes mostly when I know I'm feeling something but it just doesn't come out. I want to feel, but yet...

Depending on one's background, I imagine we get it from being pushed down in our vulnerable days: we showed the wrong emotions and thus learned over time to be more muted. Or maybe its just a manifestation of a remaining sadness or grief, even though times are good.

I do miss the times when I was happy. I at least feel the great relief of sadness and crying sometimes (its so bad to not be able to let that out) but without the polar opposite, its a very dull gray life.

#27

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Trauma survivor's partner ...

Last post by Kizzie - January 28, 2026, 12:45:12 AM

LucasLu do you have a reference for this so we know where you got the original, compare your version to it and see how you've updated it?

Tks,

Kizzie, Forum Administrator 

#28

Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…

Last post by HannahOne - January 27, 2026, 11:00:42 PM

I feel you on the preverbal trauma, Chart. It's a can of worms. You're finding your way.

 

#29

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by HannahOne - January 27, 2026, 10:55:01 PM

Thrilled to read that you have a T for now! 

#30

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by TheBigBlue - January 27, 2026, 10:23:35 PM

Yes, water (preferably sparkling) no ice. Nothing else really.