Recent posts
#21
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by Teddy bear - February 14, 2026, 04:22:02 PMThank you! 
I'm not sure whether it's ok to share, or probably some kind of NDA.
I'll try to find out.
Actually I think everyone can take part in something like that in case of a relevant experience 😉
I'm not sure whether it's ok to share, or probably some kind of NDA.
I'll try to find out.
Actually I think everyone can take part in something like that in case of a relevant experience 😉
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 14, 2026, 03:46:44 PM💛 💛 💛
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 14, 2026, 03:38:17 PMthank you everyone - just so you know, i know everyone's thoughts came from a place of caring. i was beyond the point of being able to take it in. and today/last nite, the crash came. it was inevitable, but i'm glad i was able to hang on till she was over the hump and now on her way to getting better. i can relax now a bit. this is just how it goes in my life. i do till i drop, then i rest until i can do again.
i love you all for your care and concern.
i love you all for your care and concern.
#24
Letters of Recovery / Imaginary conversation with mo...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 14, 2026, 02:59:06 PMThis isn't a letter because I would never write him a letter. I do fear a variant of this conversation may one day be had. I hope not. I'm not even sure I would have the heart or the guts to tell A all of this in real life. But it's a good illustration of how Ns work.
..................
A: I've noticed you don't really do anything much for your mother. I do so many things for her. Willingly because she is such a lovely person. So's your father. But you're her daughter and you seem to ignore her most of the time.
Me: There's a reason for that, A. But I don't think it would benefit you or her for you to know why. How about you just take her as you find her and enjoy your relationship?
A: Because I think you are really unfair and horrible and I want you to justify it. She's a lovely friend, so kind and caring. And such fun to be with. You don't even come to her parties and I know she's sad about that. Surely you could attend a party even if you don't want to do any of the running around that I do.
Me: I don't owe you any explanation.
A: Maybe not, but I'm doing so many things that a daughter could and should be doing. I want to know why you're not, when she's your mother and loves you so much.
Me: OK. But before I start on my reasons I'm going to address your friendship. You're basing your view of what I should do on what you believe her to be like. I expect you're not aware of how she likes to gossip behind your back. She's told me all sorts of things about you. She totally disapproves of you being gay, by the way. You should hear the vile things she says about gay men. And she's been encouraging the affair R (A's husband) has been having with MG (a neighbour).
She first got the information from MG who was boasting about it to her. And she told him she wasn't surprised, because you've confided in her about your low sex drive. You told her you would rather think about cheese than sex. She is very keen for your marriage with R to end. Because then you won't have to run around after R at all. You can spend all your time looking after her instead. So she's been telling MG he shouldn't feel guilty. That MG is doing you a favour by having the affair with R. R is, after all, a hot-blooded young man, she says, and it's quite understandable he has physical needs. And she's been telling MG about all your health issues causing your lack of libido. Oh, and telling me too, obviously. You were telling her in confidence were you? Oh well.
She's also been encouraging MG to arrange those group holidays you hate. She's pointed out to MG that a group holiday would give him and R lots of opportunities to slip away for assignations. And she's going to encourage you to go on the holidays, even though you hate them and you have to pay for them, because she'll remind you that R is always wanting holidays. And she'll advise you that you should go on these holidays with R or he might get unhappy and leave you. Especially since you're so woeful in the bedroom. You'll think she's giving you advice to keep your marriage intact. She thinks there's a good chance of you uncovering the affair on one of these holidays and then you'll get rid of R. Job done.
So, now we've got that out of the way, shall I move on to what she's done to me along the way? Where are you going? I've got plenty to tell you. You did ask...OK. Bye, then...
..................
A: I've noticed you don't really do anything much for your mother. I do so many things for her. Willingly because she is such a lovely person. So's your father. But you're her daughter and you seem to ignore her most of the time.
Me: There's a reason for that, A. But I don't think it would benefit you or her for you to know why. How about you just take her as you find her and enjoy your relationship?
A: Because I think you are really unfair and horrible and I want you to justify it. She's a lovely friend, so kind and caring. And such fun to be with. You don't even come to her parties and I know she's sad about that. Surely you could attend a party even if you don't want to do any of the running around that I do.
Me: I don't owe you any explanation.
A: Maybe not, but I'm doing so many things that a daughter could and should be doing. I want to know why you're not, when she's your mother and loves you so much.
Me: OK. But before I start on my reasons I'm going to address your friendship. You're basing your view of what I should do on what you believe her to be like. I expect you're not aware of how she likes to gossip behind your back. She's told me all sorts of things about you. She totally disapproves of you being gay, by the way. You should hear the vile things she says about gay men. And she's been encouraging the affair R (A's husband) has been having with MG (a neighbour).
She first got the information from MG who was boasting about it to her. And she told him she wasn't surprised, because you've confided in her about your low sex drive. You told her you would rather think about cheese than sex. She is very keen for your marriage with R to end. Because then you won't have to run around after R at all. You can spend all your time looking after her instead. So she's been telling MG he shouldn't feel guilty. That MG is doing you a favour by having the affair with R. R is, after all, a hot-blooded young man, she says, and it's quite understandable he has physical needs. And she's been telling MG about all your health issues causing your lack of libido. Oh, and telling me too, obviously. You were telling her in confidence were you? Oh well.
She's also been encouraging MG to arrange those group holidays you hate. She's pointed out to MG that a group holiday would give him and R lots of opportunities to slip away for assignations. And she's going to encourage you to go on the holidays, even though you hate them and you have to pay for them, because she'll remind you that R is always wanting holidays. And she'll advise you that you should go on these holidays with R or he might get unhappy and leave you. Especially since you're so woeful in the bedroom. You'll think she's giving you advice to keep your marriage intact. She thinks there's a good chance of you uncovering the affair on one of these holidays and then you'll get rid of R. Job done.
So, now we've got that out of the way, shall I move on to what she's done to me along the way? Where are you going? I've got plenty to tell you. You did ask...OK. Bye, then...
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 14, 2026, 01:54:42 PMYou are loved too.
#26
SOT - Sense of Threat / What is this feeling
Last post by blue_sky - February 14, 2026, 01:51:32 PMI dont know if this post goes under "Sense of threat" but I couldn't fit it anywhere else.
Victim of CSA here. Perpetrator was sibling who was 2 years older than me. CSA went on for over a decade.
Now he has a daughter. Im NC with him but mid-to-low contact with FOO. Recently came across the toddler's photo in some family group chat.
The toddler resembles my childhood pictures. I guess I wasn't expecting that at all and it sort of shocked me. I guess I forgot all about genetics. Here I was, foolish me, thinking... now that I'm NC with him, there's nothing left; there's no connection.
My husband doesn't see the resemblance. Am I imagining it then? Is it about perception? And what if she does resemble me? Poor girl has no choice, we do share genes i guess as an aunt and a niece. But how do I ignore these feelings in me?
There's tears, hurt, "I dont want his kid to look like little Blue Sky". But there's also a tiny bit of feeling of "oh she's a cute baby, just like I was".
What do I do with this confusion?
Victim of CSA here. Perpetrator was sibling who was 2 years older than me. CSA went on for over a decade.
Now he has a daughter. Im NC with him but mid-to-low contact with FOO. Recently came across the toddler's photo in some family group chat.
The toddler resembles my childhood pictures. I guess I wasn't expecting that at all and it sort of shocked me. I guess I forgot all about genetics. Here I was, foolish me, thinking... now that I'm NC with him, there's nothing left; there's no connection.
My husband doesn't see the resemblance. Am I imagining it then? Is it about perception? And what if she does resemble me? Poor girl has no choice, we do share genes i guess as an aunt and a niece. But how do I ignore these feelings in me?
There's tears, hurt, "I dont want his kid to look like little Blue Sky". But there's also a tiny bit of feeling of "oh she's a cute baby, just like I was".
What do I do with this confusion?
#27
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 14, 2026, 01:49:39 PMI'm really glad to hear that you are able to be part of an exciting and interesting project. I'll be very interested to hear more about it as the research proceeds if it feels comfortable for you to share.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 14, 2026, 01:32:32 PMI think it is a really huge thing when adult you is trusted enough that a part does not fully take over, and gives you a chance to see them properly. It's also really weird the first time it happens. I remember it happening one night with Little NK who was desperately crying but adult NK was present enough to start trying to comfort her. In my experience different parts have very different levels of trust, though. Teenage NK shows up very little these days but when she does she will brook no opposition and generally takes over completely if at all possible.
I'm glad you have now discovered a way to communicate with Little Dalloway and love her. I am sure you have what it takes. I've had horrible doubts about my ability to look after Little NK. But just as our brains won't let us process trauma until we are ready (though I wish they would let us be part of that decision because brains can pick really inconvenient times) I also think that our parts don't show up until we are up to the task.
I'm glad you have now discovered a way to communicate with Little Dalloway and love her. I am sure you have what it takes. I've had horrible doubts about my ability to look after Little NK. But just as our brains won't let us process trauma until we are ready (though I wish they would let us be part of that decision because brains can pick really inconvenient times) I also think that our parts don't show up until we are up to the task.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 14, 2026, 01:32:14 PMAnd now I'm realizing that there was no point where I haven't been dissociating. Spring 1974 at 3 years old clear through to today. It never stopped.
There was never any single traumatic event or even cluster of them that caused me to be this way. I was *always* like this.
My only distinction between dissociation and "normal" is whether I form narrative memories or not. That's past- tense and I can't tell the difference in real time.
I lived a full life "in the moment", but also one where I wasn't. How would I even begin to approach that?
There was never any single traumatic event or even cluster of them that caused me to be this way. I was *always* like this.
My only distinction between dissociation and "normal" is whether I form narrative memories or not. That's past- tense and I can't tell the difference in real time.
I lived a full life "in the moment", but also one where I wasn't. How would I even begin to approach that?
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Dalloway - February 14, 2026, 01:18:32 PMI realized something the other day and it was one of those rare aha-moments that change a bit of who you are forever. I´ve been familiar with the IFS for a longer time now but it seems that I never fully embodied what does it mean to have different parts, functioning independently, with their own perception of time and space. Until a few days ago when I suddenly went into flashback-mode for a reason yet unknown to me. I was having a fine couple of days before, enjoying the small things that bring me joy and just being okay-ish with my life when this sudden wave of sadness and desperation hit. My thoughts were as always "nothing will ever get better" and "you will never get out of this" and just very strong emotions like sadness, grief and fear. So I let it out, cried to release the pressure which helped me a little bit but what was more interesting was that this time I didn´t feel this to be universal. While I was crying and thinking these catastrophizing thoughts, a different voice in me was also present and also crying but for a different reason. It was weeping because it was sorry and heartbroken that the other part cannot see how wonderful human being I was. And that´s when the realization hit. I asked myself who this voice belonged to. And why do I hear two different voices at the same time. Before that I thought that when I´m in a mood, it belongs to me as a whole. That if I feel depressed and think that nothing´s ever going to change, me as a whole system thinks that. But in this particular moment, I realized that I have parts that struggle, parts that are depressed and parts that are hopeful and believing in myself. And that these parts are more or less active based on what triggers them in the outside world or even inside as a result of and emotion or a memory that I can´t process.
This particular part I identified is a child, me at the age of eight or nine but it could be basically whichever age from my entire childhood. But it´s definitely a child, a little girl. And this girl is stuck in the past, in an endless circle of abuse and neglect. She feels trapped and this is absolutely a reality to her, exactly as it happened, as she experienced it. Every time something bad happened to her, she was utterly alone. Not once anyone came to her rescue, so she gradually came to understand that she is totally alone in this world, that no one cares enough to help her. The world has forgotten her, she is not important, she is worthless, unloved because unlovable. And this was her absolute every day reality for almost two decades. No wonder that she is trapped in this parallel universe, unable to find her way out of this labyrinth of scary memories. And every now and then when something reminds her of those memories, something triggering, she rings the bell and cries out so loud that I can´t ignore it even if I wanted to. This is her speaking: this frightened little girl who by the age of eight is absolutely convinced that she is absolutely alone in this whole world. The world has forgotten about her. She is just a grain of sand in the deserted world she only knows.
But knowing now that she is a part of me, I can talk to her and be with her as with something separate but also equal to me. I can take a step back to observe her situation better, but give her all my love because we are one. I can take her hand, hug her and tell her that I love her to the moon and back and she´ll understand me even without words. And that´s what I´m trying to do these days: just be with her so that she can feel that she´s not alone anymore. I´m here, not going anywhere, not letting anyone to hurt her again. I can be the parent she never had and also my own best friend with that notion. I don´t want to fix her. She is perfect the way she is and is here for a reason. She´s a messenger trying to show me that there´s something needing my attention if I´m willing to listen and watch. And I´m willing and committed to love myself as I would love my child from my flesh and blood. May I have what it takes.
This particular part I identified is a child, me at the age of eight or nine but it could be basically whichever age from my entire childhood. But it´s definitely a child, a little girl. And this girl is stuck in the past, in an endless circle of abuse and neglect. She feels trapped and this is absolutely a reality to her, exactly as it happened, as she experienced it. Every time something bad happened to her, she was utterly alone. Not once anyone came to her rescue, so she gradually came to understand that she is totally alone in this world, that no one cares enough to help her. The world has forgotten her, she is not important, she is worthless, unloved because unlovable. And this was her absolute every day reality for almost two decades. No wonder that she is trapped in this parallel universe, unable to find her way out of this labyrinth of scary memories. And every now and then when something reminds her of those memories, something triggering, she rings the bell and cries out so loud that I can´t ignore it even if I wanted to. This is her speaking: this frightened little girl who by the age of eight is absolutely convinced that she is absolutely alone in this whole world. The world has forgotten about her. She is just a grain of sand in the deserted world she only knows.
But knowing now that she is a part of me, I can talk to her and be with her as with something separate but also equal to me. I can take a step back to observe her situation better, but give her all my love because we are one. I can take her hand, hug her and tell her that I love her to the moon and back and she´ll understand me even without words. And that´s what I´m trying to do these days: just be with her so that she can feel that she´s not alone anymore. I´m here, not going anywhere, not letting anyone to hurt her again. I can be the parent she never had and also my own best friend with that notion. I don´t want to fix her. She is perfect the way she is and is here for a reason. She´s a messenger trying to show me that there´s something needing my attention if I´m willing to listen and watch. And I´m willing and committed to love myself as I would love my child from my flesh and blood. May I have what it takes.