Recent posts
#21
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by Teddy bear - January 30, 2026, 09:00:14 AMQuote from: pelicantown on January 29, 2026, 03:07:55 PM@TeddyBear Oh man, I don't know what I'd do without my dog. He gets me out of bed in the morning!! It sounds like you've got many great ways to cope and are prioritizing the right things.
I can absolutely understand you, Pelicantown! My Teddy wakes me up too, though lately I started letting her sleep on my bed, so she just sneaks in after her early morning walk. And we happily go back to sleep, the three of us — me, Teddy, and our cat — for another couple of hours.
So I have a funny wake-up dilemma: part of me would rather sleep in (with Teddy!) 😀
#22
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by Teddy bear - January 30, 2026, 08:16:47 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on January 29, 2026, 09:08:28 PMQuote from: Teddy bear on January 29, 2026, 12:23:48 PMI do have a dog now — my first ever! 🦮 She's my main therapist ☺️.
Baloo 🦮 is such an important anchor for me. He's my certified mobility-assistance service dog, and he does that job beautifully — but just as importantly, he's a huge source of emotional grounding and safety for me. I'm incredibly grateful that he can be with me everywhere; his presence makes a real difference in how regulated and steady I can be.
Hey TheBigBlue and Baloo! 👋 And to all the dog lovers and their beloved pups here.
Sounds like Baloo is such a huge help. I'm really glad you have such a professional and friendly partner.
My Teddy is just a mixed breed — no certifications here — though we did take some puppy classes at a "dog school" in her first year.
So I guess it's true what they say: most dogs are freelancing 😉
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 30, 2026, 03:55:50 AMThank you all for interacting with my journal. In thinking more about what everyone has been sharing here and in their own journals I've been trying something new in the mornings.
All my life when I first wake up, I feel calm and peaceful. Clear. But immediately, I remember "oh yeah, my life is ruined." the past hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel, "someone who's been through what I've been through can never succeed or be happy." This is obviously a toxic belief from the past, when I would wake in the morning and remember whatever abuse had happened the previous day or night. It's like every morning I realize it all over again and have some kind of emotional flashback of intense doom. It's like being sucker punched every morning.
The last few mornings I've been trying something new. I've been trying to "hold on" to the peace I initially wake up with. I don't know how I'm doing it. It's not denial, I'm aware that I have a difficult past, but I just insist that my mind stay in the calm at the same time as knowing that. Like walking a horse, where I just insist we not walk through the puddle, or with Frank, I just insist that he not jump out of my arms until I've lowered him enough to not break a leg. I don't squeeze or grip Frank, that would make him leap even more. I just mentally insist, hold firm and he gets the message, "this is for your good" and he relaxes and waits to be lowered. With the horse I can't pull him around the puddle, he's 2000 lbs and I'm 150. But I can mentally "hold" my space. I'm sure energetically that my "holding" affects my musculature and nerves and that's what the animals are responding to. It's pretty cool to see that somehow I can do the same with myself. It takes focus and attention and intention.
I don't know if this will keep working but I"m intrigued. If I can hold off the negative belief and rush of despair and self-recrimination for a few hours, I seem to be over it and it never descends. When I first wake up I'm probably more vulnerable to it. By the time I've done my, AHEM, "morning routine," I'm more in the present and have more inner resources.
I keep working on my clothes. I am experimenting with brighter colors lately. Red pants and a blue denim swing top, snakeskin Mary janes. Red and white striped button up under a bright blue sweater, camo pants. Pine green sweater, white pants, green sneakers. I am drawn to the intense color contrasts and pattern mixing but I can't quite handle the contrast, I end up washed out, the clothes are wearing me. The way to deal with this is wear makeup. I can't quite cross that bridge and don't know if I will. My family had extremely conservative beliefs that outlawed makeup, yet it was applied to me unpleasantly for other people's enjoyment. Such a toxic stew. So I may have to steer back to more monochrome outfits for less contrast, and more browns, blues and grays. I'm trying to see if I can get the contrast I want through texture instead of color. I'm torn what to do about my face. In painting, it' like putting on makeup, you blush the cheek, fill in the lip. It never looks garish. I would like to be able to "paint" my face, to highlight, to add color to balance my garments like I do in a painting. It's just so scary, I know I will feel all manner of disgust, feel clownish. Anyway I'm thinking about it which is step one of exposure.
I'm pretty psyched because I've started PT and while it's tough, I am already getting stronger. After a few years of lying in bed too many hours a day, I'm very deconditioned. I am angry at myself for becoming so depressed. Whenever my kids were not at home, I was in bed, and that may have led to my illness and certainly led to my torn knee ligament. I'm happy that already all my muscles are waking up, I"m moving without pain, getting my arm mobility back after surgery, and my knee seems to be healing. It feels amazing to be more in my body, to feel strong like I used to with the horses, to feel myself moving through space solidly.
I have some difficulty at times, looking in the mirror at the gym is difficult. I have some kind of dysmorphia not about my size/shape but more about ME, I don't feel I look like "me." But looking in the mirror will help me get past that. I am hopeful about this next step, not just clothes but also my body in the clothes, how I inhabit not just the clothes but my body. Can I make peace with my past, can I stay aware of my past without thinking "someone like me can't exist," can I move through time and space in the present moment as the adult I am? Can I find peace? Can I learn to live as all of me?
All my life when I first wake up, I feel calm and peaceful. Clear. But immediately, I remember "oh yeah, my life is ruined." the past hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel, "someone who's been through what I've been through can never succeed or be happy." This is obviously a toxic belief from the past, when I would wake in the morning and remember whatever abuse had happened the previous day or night. It's like every morning I realize it all over again and have some kind of emotional flashback of intense doom. It's like being sucker punched every morning.
The last few mornings I've been trying something new. I've been trying to "hold on" to the peace I initially wake up with. I don't know how I'm doing it. It's not denial, I'm aware that I have a difficult past, but I just insist that my mind stay in the calm at the same time as knowing that. Like walking a horse, where I just insist we not walk through the puddle, or with Frank, I just insist that he not jump out of my arms until I've lowered him enough to not break a leg. I don't squeeze or grip Frank, that would make him leap even more. I just mentally insist, hold firm and he gets the message, "this is for your good" and he relaxes and waits to be lowered. With the horse I can't pull him around the puddle, he's 2000 lbs and I'm 150. But I can mentally "hold" my space. I'm sure energetically that my "holding" affects my musculature and nerves and that's what the animals are responding to. It's pretty cool to see that somehow I can do the same with myself. It takes focus and attention and intention.
I don't know if this will keep working but I"m intrigued. If I can hold off the negative belief and rush of despair and self-recrimination for a few hours, I seem to be over it and it never descends. When I first wake up I'm probably more vulnerable to it. By the time I've done my, AHEM, "morning routine," I'm more in the present and have more inner resources.
I keep working on my clothes. I am experimenting with brighter colors lately. Red pants and a blue denim swing top, snakeskin Mary janes. Red and white striped button up under a bright blue sweater, camo pants. Pine green sweater, white pants, green sneakers. I am drawn to the intense color contrasts and pattern mixing but I can't quite handle the contrast, I end up washed out, the clothes are wearing me. The way to deal with this is wear makeup. I can't quite cross that bridge and don't know if I will. My family had extremely conservative beliefs that outlawed makeup, yet it was applied to me unpleasantly for other people's enjoyment. Such a toxic stew. So I may have to steer back to more monochrome outfits for less contrast, and more browns, blues and grays. I'm trying to see if I can get the contrast I want through texture instead of color. I'm torn what to do about my face. In painting, it' like putting on makeup, you blush the cheek, fill in the lip. It never looks garish. I would like to be able to "paint" my face, to highlight, to add color to balance my garments like I do in a painting. It's just so scary, I know I will feel all manner of disgust, feel clownish. Anyway I'm thinking about it which is step one of exposure.
I'm pretty psyched because I've started PT and while it's tough, I am already getting stronger. After a few years of lying in bed too many hours a day, I'm very deconditioned. I am angry at myself for becoming so depressed. Whenever my kids were not at home, I was in bed, and that may have led to my illness and certainly led to my torn knee ligament. I'm happy that already all my muscles are waking up, I"m moving without pain, getting my arm mobility back after surgery, and my knee seems to be healing. It feels amazing to be more in my body, to feel strong like I used to with the horses, to feel myself moving through space solidly.
I have some difficulty at times, looking in the mirror at the gym is difficult. I have some kind of dysmorphia not about my size/shape but more about ME, I don't feel I look like "me." But looking in the mirror will help me get past that. I am hopeful about this next step, not just clothes but also my body in the clothes, how I inhabit not just the clothes but my body. Can I make peace with my past, can I stay aware of my past without thinking "someone like me can't exist," can I move through time and space in the present moment as the adult I am? Can I find peace? Can I learn to live as all of me?
#24
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Greetings from the storm- ...
Last post by Stussy7 - January 30, 2026, 03:41:26 AMThe marine iguana's are awesome 🦎
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by HannahOne - January 30, 2026, 03:30:28 AMSenseOrgan, I was happy for you that you were able to reschedule your housing appointment, and not over-explain! Hooray for being direct and clear about what you want and need and self-advocating!
I'm glad you were able to ride out your somatic response and stay with the call. It sounds like the group is being careful with your safety and wanting to ensure you have the support you need to participate. It makes sense that you'd be triggered by it possibly not working out. It's courageous to take this risk. And it's something you really want, you want an in-person context to be yourself. Holding hope that it will be good for you and bring you what you are looking for.
I'm glad you were able to ride out your somatic response and stay with the call. It sounds like the group is being careful with your safety and wanting to ensure you have the support you need to participate. It makes sense that you'd be triggered by it possibly not working out. It's courageous to take this risk. And it's something you really want, you want an in-person context to be yourself. Holding hope that it will be good for you and bring you what you are looking for.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by HannahOne - January 30, 2026, 03:23:10 AMSanMagic7, may they be healing tears. By you witnessing the baby's pain, healing can happen retroactively. The baby is still inside us and can receive our love, compassion, and care even now. I know that to be true. I'm so sorry for the neglect you experienced and all you did not receive when you needed it. Babies should be carried, held, cuddled, and responded to. It's not hard to strap the baby to your back while you clean so it can feel your heartbeat and be held close and safe and I can't imagine continuing to sweep when the baby was crying. I'm so sorry you experienced such neglect.
It's not that hard to say hooray!, to celebrate with someone, to share a supportive hug emoji or acknowledge sadness, or reflect back how you are feeling.... it's simple, what people here are trying to give you and simple what we all need as humans. It feels strange to receive, and, it's your birthright to receive simple validation.
It's not that hard to say hooray!, to celebrate with someone, to share a supportive hug emoji or acknowledge sadness, or reflect back how you are feeling.... it's simple, what people here are trying to give you and simple what we all need as humans. It feels strange to receive, and, it's your birthright to receive simple validation.
#27
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 29, 2026, 09:08:28 PMQuote from: Teddy bear on January 29, 2026, 12:23:48 PMI do have a dog now — my first ever! 🦮 She's my main therapist ☺️.
Baloo 🦮 is such an important anchor for me. He's my certified mobility-assistance service dog, and he does that job beautifully — but just as importantly, he's a huge source of emotional grounding and safety for me. I'm incredibly grateful that he can be with me everywhere; his presence makes a real difference in how regulated and steady I can be.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 29, 2026, 08:23:29 PMSan, I am also sending you supportive hugs. 
#29
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by Chart - January 29, 2026, 08:22:30 PMSince
Hope hugs are okay!
Quote from: pelicantown on January 29, 2026, 03:07:55 PM@Chart I like that idea of treating mood like a scale. I think there are times where I can be quite black-and-white about mood, even though I'm not that way about other things.Since I came to understand the autistic spectrum, I see things more and more on that type of scale. Things blend from one end to the other. I try to pay attention to the sliding. Often I find my behavior radically changes depending where I'm at. Identifying patterns is key, imo, then once identified, I try something different (if I'm not satisfied with the current situation (emotional or otherwise).
Hope hugs are okay!
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Chart - January 29, 2026, 07:59:12 PMSan, when all this starts coming up, it hurts. I'm literally crying with you. The infant is just a spark of light and joy reaching out with its heart and eyes and soul. How can they not be loved? It's incomprehensible to me too.
And now we know what we missed. It hurts, it hurts in a deep down way that got stuffed for decades. But now it's out, like a second birth. This time we are giving birth to ourselves. This time it's double-the-pain, as we are both mother AND child. It's crazy. This life is such a roller coaster. I'd never in a million years have guessed where I'd be now.
But for all the pain, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I found this pain. This pain is the little Chart. I found him... finally. And we're gonna take care of our little infant selves now. They're gonna get the Love they deserve. It's never too late.
And now we know what we missed. It hurts, it hurts in a deep down way that got stuffed for decades. But now it's out, like a second birth. This time we are giving birth to ourselves. This time it's double-the-pain, as we are both mother AND child. It's crazy. This life is such a roller coaster. I'd never in a million years have guessed where I'd be now.
But for all the pain, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I found this pain. This pain is the little Chart. I found him... finally. And we're gonna take care of our little infant selves now. They're gonna get the Love they deserve. It's never too late.