Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 14, 2026, 01:54:42 PMYou are loved too.
#22
SOT - Sense of Threat / What is this feeling
Last post by blue_sky - February 14, 2026, 01:51:32 PMI dont know if this post goes under "Sense of threat" but I couldn't fit it anywhere else.
Victim of CSA here. Perpetrator was sibling who was 2 years older than me. CSA went on for over a decade.
Now he has a daughter. Im NC with him but mid-to-low contact with FOO. Recently came across the toddler's photo in some family group chat.
The toddler resembles my childhood pictures. I guess I wasn't expecting that at all and it sort of shocked me. I guess I forgot all about genetics. Here I was, foolish me, thinking... now that I'm NC with him, there's nothing left; there's no connection.
My husband doesn't see the resemblance. Am I imagining it then? Is it about perception? And what if she does resemble me? Poor girl has no choice, we do share genes i guess as an aunt and a niece. But how do I ignore these feelings in me?
There's tears, hurt, "I dont want his kid to look like little Blue Sky". But there's also a tiny bit of feeling of "oh she's a cute baby, just like I was".
What do I do with this confusion?
Victim of CSA here. Perpetrator was sibling who was 2 years older than me. CSA went on for over a decade.
Now he has a daughter. Im NC with him but mid-to-low contact with FOO. Recently came across the toddler's photo in some family group chat.
The toddler resembles my childhood pictures. I guess I wasn't expecting that at all and it sort of shocked me. I guess I forgot all about genetics. Here I was, foolish me, thinking... now that I'm NC with him, there's nothing left; there's no connection.
My husband doesn't see the resemblance. Am I imagining it then? Is it about perception? And what if she does resemble me? Poor girl has no choice, we do share genes i guess as an aunt and a niece. But how do I ignore these feelings in me?
There's tears, hurt, "I dont want his kid to look like little Blue Sky". But there's also a tiny bit of feeling of "oh she's a cute baby, just like I was".
What do I do with this confusion?
#23
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 14, 2026, 01:49:39 PMI'm really glad to hear that you are able to be part of an exciting and interesting project. I'll be very interested to hear more about it as the research proceeds if it feels comfortable for you to share.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 14, 2026, 01:32:32 PMI think it is a really huge thing when adult you is trusted enough that a part does not fully take over, and gives you a chance to see them properly. It's also really weird the first time it happens. I remember it happening one night with Little NK who was desperately crying but adult NK was present enough to start trying to comfort her. In my experience different parts have very different levels of trust, though. Teenage NK shows up very little these days but when she does she will brook no opposition and generally takes over completely if at all possible.
I'm glad you have now discovered a way to communicate with Little Dalloway and love her. I am sure you have what it takes. I've had horrible doubts about my ability to look after Little NK. But just as our brains won't let us process trauma until we are ready (though I wish they would let us be part of that decision because brains can pick really inconvenient times) I also think that our parts don't show up until we are up to the task.
I'm glad you have now discovered a way to communicate with Little Dalloway and love her. I am sure you have what it takes. I've had horrible doubts about my ability to look after Little NK. But just as our brains won't let us process trauma until we are ready (though I wish they would let us be part of that decision because brains can pick really inconvenient times) I also think that our parts don't show up until we are up to the task.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 14, 2026, 01:32:14 PMAnd now I'm realizing that there was no point where I haven't been dissociating. Spring 1974 at 3 years old clear through to today. It never stopped.
There was never any single traumatic event or even cluster of them that caused me to be this way. I was *always* like this.
My only distinction between dissociation and "normal" is whether I form narrative memories or not. That's past- tense and I can't tell the difference in real time.
I lived a full life "in the moment", but also one where I wasn't. How would I even begin to approach that?
There was never any single traumatic event or even cluster of them that caused me to be this way. I was *always* like this.
My only distinction between dissociation and "normal" is whether I form narrative memories or not. That's past- tense and I can't tell the difference in real time.
I lived a full life "in the moment", but also one where I wasn't. How would I even begin to approach that?
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Dalloway - February 14, 2026, 01:18:32 PMI realized something the other day and it was one of those rare aha-moments that change a bit of who you are forever. I´ve been familiar with the IFS for a longer time now but it seems that I never fully embodied what does it mean to have different parts, functioning independently, with their own perception of time and space. Until a few days ago when I suddenly went into flashback-mode for a reason yet unknown to me. I was having a fine couple of days before, enjoying the small things that bring me joy and just being okay-ish with my life when this sudden wave of sadness and desperation hit. My thoughts were as always "nothing will ever get better" and "you will never get out of this" and just very strong emotions like sadness, grief and fear. So I let it out, cried to release the pressure which helped me a little bit but what was more interesting was that this time I didn´t feel this to be universal. While I was crying and thinking these catastrophizing thoughts, a different voice in me was also present and also crying but for a different reason. It was weeping because it was sorry and heartbroken that the other part cannot see how wonderful human being I was. And that´s when the realization hit. I asked myself who this voice belonged to. And why do I hear two different voices at the same time. Before that I thought that when I´m in a mood, it belongs to me as a whole. That if I feel depressed and think that nothing´s ever going to change, me as a whole system thinks that. But in this particular moment, I realized that I have parts that struggle, parts that are depressed and parts that are hopeful and believing in myself. And that these parts are more or less active based on what triggers them in the outside world or even inside as a result of and emotion or a memory that I can´t process.
This particular part I identified is a child, me at the age of eight or nine but it could be basically whichever age from my entire childhood. But it´s definitely a child, a little girl. And this girl is stuck in the past, in an endless circle of abuse and neglect. She feels trapped and this is absolutely a reality to her, exactly as it happened, as she experienced it. Every time something bad happened to her, she was utterly alone. Not once anyone came to her rescue, so she gradually came to understand that she is totally alone in this world, that no one cares enough to help her. The world has forgotten her, she is not important, she is worthless, unloved because unlovable. And this was her absolute every day reality for almost two decades. No wonder that she is trapped in this parallel universe, unable to find her way out of this labyrinth of scary memories. And every now and then when something reminds her of those memories, something triggering, she rings the bell and cries out so loud that I can´t ignore it even if I wanted to. This is her speaking: this frightened little girl who by the age of eight is absolutely convinced that she is absolutely alone in this whole world. The world has forgotten about her. She is just a grain of sand in the deserted world she only knows.
But knowing now that she is a part of me, I can talk to her and be with her as with something separate but also equal to me. I can take a step back to observe her situation better, but give her all my love because we are one. I can take her hand, hug her and tell her that I love her to the moon and back and she´ll understand me even without words. And that´s what I´m trying to do these days: just be with her so that she can feel that she´s not alone anymore. I´m here, not going anywhere, not letting anyone to hurt her again. I can be the parent she never had and also my own best friend with that notion. I don´t want to fix her. She is perfect the way she is and is here for a reason. She´s a messenger trying to show me that there´s something needing my attention if I´m willing to listen and watch. And I´m willing and committed to love myself as I would love my child from my flesh and blood. May I have what it takes.
This particular part I identified is a child, me at the age of eight or nine but it could be basically whichever age from my entire childhood. But it´s definitely a child, a little girl. And this girl is stuck in the past, in an endless circle of abuse and neglect. She feels trapped and this is absolutely a reality to her, exactly as it happened, as she experienced it. Every time something bad happened to her, she was utterly alone. Not once anyone came to her rescue, so she gradually came to understand that she is totally alone in this world, that no one cares enough to help her. The world has forgotten her, she is not important, she is worthless, unloved because unlovable. And this was her absolute every day reality for almost two decades. No wonder that she is trapped in this parallel universe, unable to find her way out of this labyrinth of scary memories. And every now and then when something reminds her of those memories, something triggering, she rings the bell and cries out so loud that I can´t ignore it even if I wanted to. This is her speaking: this frightened little girl who by the age of eight is absolutely convinced that she is absolutely alone in this whole world. The world has forgotten about her. She is just a grain of sand in the deserted world she only knows.
But knowing now that she is a part of me, I can talk to her and be with her as with something separate but also equal to me. I can take a step back to observe her situation better, but give her all my love because we are one. I can take her hand, hug her and tell her that I love her to the moon and back and she´ll understand me even without words. And that´s what I´m trying to do these days: just be with her so that she can feel that she´s not alone anymore. I´m here, not going anywhere, not letting anyone to hurt her again. I can be the parent she never had and also my own best friend with that notion. I don´t want to fix her. She is perfect the way she is and is here for a reason. She´s a messenger trying to show me that there´s something needing my attention if I´m willing to listen and watch. And I´m willing and committed to love myself as I would love my child from my flesh and blood. May I have what it takes.
#27
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 14, 2026, 01:06:26 PM
(If that's ok)
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Dalloway - February 14, 2026, 12:33:05 PMHannah, I think that it is absolutely normal and fine to have days like this, even if it doesn´t feel good, what I am sincerely sorry for. Being with that, recognizing and acknowledging it is in my opinion the best gift you can give to yourself for Valentine´s day. Thinking about you and hoping you feel that you´re not alone. Hang in there
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by SenseOrgan - February 14, 2026, 11:36:12 AMThe serenity prayer is a beautiful one. It speaks to me too.
Right from your start here, your writing has been emanating a raw, no nonsense kind of strength I really appreciate. I like that you know the things you listed to be true about you. It takes courage to own that and to show up like that. Especially when you grew up in an environment that demanded you to adopt views you know to be fantasy. Messengers are often shot at, even if they are innocent children who aren't into fooling themselves. IMHO you are choosing love over fear. And love ain't for the faint of heart. I don't know to what degree it's a challenging idea to you, but there are people who actually like your company because of what makes you you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing.
'It Is No Measure of Health To Be Well-Adjusted to a Profoundly Sick Society' Jiddu Krishnamurti
Right from your start here, your writing has been emanating a raw, no nonsense kind of strength I really appreciate. I like that you know the things you listed to be true about you. It takes courage to own that and to show up like that. Especially when you grew up in an environment that demanded you to adopt views you know to be fantasy. Messengers are often shot at, even if they are innocent children who aren't into fooling themselves. IMHO you are choosing love over fear. And love ain't for the faint of heart. I don't know to what degree it's a challenging idea to you, but there are people who actually like your company because of what makes you you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing.
'It Is No Measure of Health To Be Well-Adjusted to a Profoundly Sick Society' Jiddu Krishnamurti
#30
Books & Articles / Re: Gisèle Pelicot - A Hymn to...
Last post by dollyvee - February 14, 2026, 09:38:05 AMThe sad thing is is that there is also a city councillor in the UK that has also been accused of doing this.
I admit I have been on somewhat of a doom spiral trying to process all the information coming out of the Epstein files recently, and I also agree that the shame has to change sides. So brave of her for doing this.
I admit I have been on somewhat of a doom spiral trying to process all the information coming out of the Epstein files recently, and I also agree that the shame has to change sides. So brave of her for doing this.