Recent posts
#21
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by Kizzie - March 02, 2026, 08:50:20 PM
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - March 02, 2026, 08:20:10 PMTherapy is SO depressing lately. I'm so tired of going over the same old crap again and again with no answer, no way to progress. I feel utterly stuck, like maybe I've already dealt with all the things I can deal with, and the rest I'll just have to live with forever.
I've been terribly unhappy for the past few days and nothing is helping. Not drugs, not accomplishing useful things, not swimming, not comforting routines with My Person. I'm full of regretful thoughts about my life. I think the truth of the matter is that I'm angry, furiously angry at many people about many things, but I won't let myself feel it because depression is safer. And even if I did feel it, what good would that do? I can't do anything about any of it. Which brings me back to depressing therapy: My therapist says that I feel that I have no power because I don't want to believe that I have any power. She might be right, I don't know. I'm not even sure exactly what she means by "power". It feels like just another no-answer, another thing that I should be able to do something about, but don't know what.
I've been terribly unhappy for the past few days and nothing is helping. Not drugs, not accomplishing useful things, not swimming, not comforting routines with My Person. I'm full of regretful thoughts about my life. I think the truth of the matter is that I'm angry, furiously angry at many people about many things, but I won't let myself feel it because depression is safer. And even if I did feel it, what good would that do? I can't do anything about any of it. Which brings me back to depressing therapy: My therapist says that I feel that I have no power because I don't want to believe that I have any power. She might be right, I don't know. I'm not even sure exactly what she means by "power". It feels like just another no-answer, another thing that I should be able to do something about, but don't know what.
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by SenseOrgan - March 02, 2026, 07:51:02 PMI'm speechless after reading this. Your dedication to your children moves me deeply. I'm in awe of what you provide(d) for them, carrying such a heavy load yourself. And growing so much while at it. I love that you give yourself the credit you deserve, and that the next chapter of your life is arriving. Your life is a work of art. What a ride! ❤️
#24
General Discussion / Re: Managing Multiplicity
Last post by LaylaDalal - March 02, 2026, 07:20:17 PMAny people who can relate? :-) Im really struggling finding community...
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - March 02, 2026, 07:18:57 PMNarcKiddo, SanMagic7, thank you for reading. Yeah I think that's it, maybe a tribute of sorts to the me who did it. 4 stars out of 5 for me 
And I can move on. I'll always be their mom, but they don't need me the same way. There's no graduation for moms, no certificate of completion. Maybe I needed to process and mark it and let All of Me know that I'm safe, they're safe, mission complete in terms of their childhood and not freaking it up too bad. There were very hard times, conflicts, stress, problems, disappointments, failures, that's life. But they're not traumatized. They had safe parents. And I did it the way I wanted to do it, in integrity with what I wanted. I was lucky to be able to pull that off and have a partner who made it possible in the ways they could. I need to let it sink in, so I can adjust my focus and find my feet again. Need to pause and recognize how I got from there to here. And keep letting them go. They will go more easily the happier I am. They will be more free the more engaged I am in my own life. They will be safe to need me if I don't need them to need me. So I guess this is my graduation speech. And now, I commence!
And I can move on. I'll always be their mom, but they don't need me the same way. There's no graduation for moms, no certificate of completion. Maybe I needed to process and mark it and let All of Me know that I'm safe, they're safe, mission complete in terms of their childhood and not freaking it up too bad. There were very hard times, conflicts, stress, problems, disappointments, failures, that's life. But they're not traumatized. They had safe parents. And I did it the way I wanted to do it, in integrity with what I wanted. I was lucky to be able to pull that off and have a partner who made it possible in the ways they could. I need to let it sink in, so I can adjust my focus and find my feet again. Need to pause and recognize how I got from there to here. And keep letting them go. They will go more easily the happier I am. They will be more free the more engaged I am in my own life. They will be safe to need me if I don't need them to need me. So I guess this is my graduation speech. And now, I commence! #26
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Armee - March 02, 2026, 02:44:49 PMI'll be thinking of you today. I almost always forget nearly all of what went down in therapy week to week and also forget to write it down or forget to read it...forget, forget, forget...That's dissociation for you. It isn't your fault, it isn't wrong, and honestly it's probably pretty protective and ingenious. Plus you have 2 weeks between appointments so it's even harder to remember. I agree with NK...you are in control of what gets discussed in a healthy therapy...if something is saying "no" then going slow in returning to that topic is probably essential. Slow is fast, and all that.
I recall that this was about love and that I had a theory or gut-level feeling about that that I wanted to share with you. But if your mind is telling you "no," you can ignore it and not read it. I'll treat it like a potential trigger warning just in case and will use white font. I hope it isn't upsetting if you read it. I will delete this if you want or need me to.
But my theory is that you loved your Ds very strongly and they felt that love. But it was too powerful an emotion that your mind had to protect you from perceiving it, because somewhere along the lines you were taught that you had to block out emotions to survive...alexythymia... whether that's autism, CPTSD, or both. But I don't think you don't have emotions, I'm guessimg you just don't perceive them when they are over-powering. The love you felt for that cat was probably just the right amount of love that it didn't overwhelm you. So your mind let you feel it.
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 02, 2026, 01:59:22 PMthank you, NK. i'm already getting worked up about it, and it's not going down for several hours. we'll see. at least this is an example of how very fragile i am, and she can see it in living color, so to speak. thanks for the support. truly appreciated.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by NarcKiddo - March 02, 2026, 01:54:10 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on March 02, 2026, 01:44:44 PMit makes me nervous that this will be brought up again and i'm going to react overwhelmingly again.
Maybe that is a sensible starting point for the session. Just because something is on the schedule does not mean it has to happen.
I hope the session is helpful, whatever you end up discussing.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - March 02, 2026, 01:50:39 PMI'm not sure words can describe my feelings about reading your latest posts. They encapsulate so much. Happiness, sadness, hope, vulenerability, strength. The list is endless. I wish my mother had been like you. Even just a bit.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 02, 2026, 01:44:44 PMindeed, hannah1, it does feel like a win. thank you!
therapy today. we're slated to process what happened 2 weeks ago, but honestly, and i was afraid this was going to happen, i don't remember what it was about, only the aftermath. i know, take notes, but i don't remember to do that either. hopefully she'll have notes. it makes me nervous that this will be brought up again and i'm going to react overwhelmingly again.
i've had a lot of that lately, it seems. i'm finding it's still jarring, upsetting to talk to my D about her F and S. these are the 2 people who are 2 of the biggest abusers in my life for the longest time, and who still have me by the neck. i worked really hard w/ my previous T to help this not be so, and the impact has lessened, but it's still there. they're the ones who will prevent me from going back to sleep in the middle of the night. still haunted by them.
my D and i were talking about him the other day - he's moving into assisted living now - and i did something nice for him, and she relayed the messages back and forth for him and me, and he was grateful, etc.
but i discovered later that it still landed badly with me. at one point he wanted to make amends to me, but that got botched, and i've thought about urging him to try again, that i might be ready now (i got a lot of anger out in my reply to him last time, and he backed away, so it never happened) but just after that little chat about him, i could feel my insides roiling around and remembered that amends are not to be made if they would provide pain/suffering, and i'm afraid i'm in that category.
i'd love to hear some heartfelt apologies from him, but i don't believe i can take it. so goes the damage.
therapy today. we're slated to process what happened 2 weeks ago, but honestly, and i was afraid this was going to happen, i don't remember what it was about, only the aftermath. i know, take notes, but i don't remember to do that either. hopefully she'll have notes. it makes me nervous that this will be brought up again and i'm going to react overwhelmingly again.
i've had a lot of that lately, it seems. i'm finding it's still jarring, upsetting to talk to my D about her F and S. these are the 2 people who are 2 of the biggest abusers in my life for the longest time, and who still have me by the neck. i worked really hard w/ my previous T to help this not be so, and the impact has lessened, but it's still there. they're the ones who will prevent me from going back to sleep in the middle of the night. still haunted by them.
my D and i were talking about him the other day - he's moving into assisted living now - and i did something nice for him, and she relayed the messages back and forth for him and me, and he was grateful, etc.
but i discovered later that it still landed badly with me. at one point he wanted to make amends to me, but that got botched, and i've thought about urging him to try again, that i might be ready now (i got a lot of anger out in my reply to him last time, and he backed away, so it never happened) but just after that little chat about him, i could feel my insides roiling around and remembered that amends are not to be made if they would provide pain/suffering, and i'm afraid i'm in that category. i'd love to hear some heartfelt apologies from him, but i don't believe i can take it. so goes the damage.