Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - November 01, 2025, 02:38:44 PMSan.
I'm going to totally get on board with your comments that maybe it's not worth figuring out which fears come from which source. We are who we are because of everything we've been through. Whether we remember going through it or not, we went through it and it shaped us and now we are who we are.
A bunch of today's most current authors on trauma are starting to teach that we need to stop dividing our internal parts within ourselves, and to love and embrace every part of ourselves, even the broken parts. My IFS parts, even the ones that give me trouble, want to be loved. And if I can love everything in my life, even the pain and suffering, then I'm gaining the love I need for my healing.
So I try to catch myself now whenever I get down on myself for dropping something, or losing something, or breaking something by remembering to love my clumsiness as a part of who I am. The holistic feeling of loving even the parts of myself I didn't used to love, is reeeeealy empowering. The love grows quickly. Even through my Autumn Anxiety, I suffer, but I love my suffering-self as much as I love any other part of my Self, and it seems to be giving me a new sense of inner strength and stability.
It feels like I've been broken into pieces my whole life, and those pieces are starting to come back together. I feel like I'm becoming less fractured, more like I'm being put back together.
I'll talk more about this as I get comfortable with it. I'm only just getting started on self-love. I need some time to practice it and see if it lasts or if it's temporary. But I will say this: If someone like me can learn to love myself holistically, then that's a powerful statement on the power of love. Up to now I couldn't even muster up enough self-love to be able to stand looking at myself in a mirror.
I'm going to totally get on board with your comments that maybe it's not worth figuring out which fears come from which source. We are who we are because of everything we've been through. Whether we remember going through it or not, we went through it and it shaped us and now we are who we are.
A bunch of today's most current authors on trauma are starting to teach that we need to stop dividing our internal parts within ourselves, and to love and embrace every part of ourselves, even the broken parts. My IFS parts, even the ones that give me trouble, want to be loved. And if I can love everything in my life, even the pain and suffering, then I'm gaining the love I need for my healing.
So I try to catch myself now whenever I get down on myself for dropping something, or losing something, or breaking something by remembering to love my clumsiness as a part of who I am. The holistic feeling of loving even the parts of myself I didn't used to love, is reeeeealy empowering. The love grows quickly. Even through my Autumn Anxiety, I suffer, but I love my suffering-self as much as I love any other part of my Self, and it seems to be giving me a new sense of inner strength and stability.
It feels like I've been broken into pieces my whole life, and those pieces are starting to come back together. I feel like I'm becoming less fractured, more like I'm being put back together.
I'll talk more about this as I get comfortable with it. I'm only just getting started on self-love. I need some time to practice it and see if it lasts or if it's temporary. But I will say this: If someone like me can learn to love myself holistically, then that's a powerful statement on the power of love. Up to now I couldn't even muster up enough self-love to be able to stand looking at myself in a mirror.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 01, 2025, 01:58:44 PMPC, i totally get the 'times it's safer to drive' thing! where i live, it seems most accidents happen at intersections, so those are the places, especially in the afternoon when work's getting out, i'm more cautious than ever before. and more scared. and, yep, i have those fears you mentioned as well. driving, especially on the road, so to speak, was my 'safe' place, and that's taken away now. it doesn't leave us w/ a lot, does it.
i hate that we have to go thru this. fyi.
as far as what's trauma based and what's natural, i'm not sure either. maybe they're intermixed for us now. my ex had terrible road rage, and i know there are others out there like that, for no reason except what was in his mind and how he perceived some perfectly normal (to me) lane-changing or whatever. he took it completely personally, like they were doing it to him on purpose to make a fool out of him or something. so, yeah, i think some of it is mixed. my reflexes aren't as quick as they used to be, so i'm going to make some inadvertent mistakes once in a while, but how those might be perceived by others? well, who knows? fingers crossed and prayers flyin', for the most part.
we'll figure it out, or it won't really be worth figuring out, and we'll just do the best we can with what we've got. or so i want to believe. love and hugs
i hate that we have to go thru this. fyi.
as far as what's trauma based and what's natural, i'm not sure either. maybe they're intermixed for us now. my ex had terrible road rage, and i know there are others out there like that, for no reason except what was in his mind and how he perceived some perfectly normal (to me) lane-changing or whatever. he took it completely personally, like they were doing it to him on purpose to make a fool out of him or something. so, yeah, i think some of it is mixed. my reflexes aren't as quick as they used to be, so i'm going to make some inadvertent mistakes once in a while, but how those might be perceived by others? well, who knows? fingers crossed and prayers flyin', for the most part.
we'll figure it out, or it won't really be worth figuring out, and we'll just do the best we can with what we've got. or so i want to believe. love and hugs
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 01, 2025, 01:47:05 PMhey, D.A.G, i get it about the therapist thing - i don't have one right now for the same reasons. so, we do what we can with what we have. thanks for sharing, for not hiding - as i've come to believe, we've taken on the shame for others, that they're the ones who deserve to feel ashamed. whatever happened to us, it is not on us. we didn't do it, it was done to us, no matter the circumstances. their fault, their shame, guilt, all of it. i think it's ok to let them have what's rightfully theirs, so we don't have to carry it around anymore.
not that it's easy to do that. no, it's not. it takes practice, mistakes, learning, more practice. just know you're not alone in this. we're all practicing together. i'm smiling now at that notion - it's nice to feel the extra energy. i hope you get to feel it as well. sending love and a gentle hug for all you're going thru, even w/ scrambled egg brain.
not that it's easy to do that. no, it's not. it takes practice, mistakes, learning, more practice. just know you're not alone in this. we're all practicing together. i'm smiling now at that notion - it's nice to feel the extra energy. i hope you get to feel it as well. sending love and a gentle hug for all you're going thru, even w/ scrambled egg brain.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - November 01, 2025, 05:09:57 AM10/31/2025
For a rabbit hole .. Randall Carlson on the origins of the day of the dead / All Hallows Eve. Really eye opening. Also makes one wonder about how accurate the history that is held up by a narrative. And who is best served by that narrative.
The poop show around the sister that has passed, Had some interesting conversations over the last few days about end of life stuff. Been wondering about aspects of when I'm burning in, which folks are "worthy" of the bits and bobs that I've collected over the years. Tools, hand drums, high school diploma (giggle) watches, and I really don't know right now. There's no nieces / nephews, there is my daughter however she's not into the drum stuff. Maybe some of the tools.. Even then though..
Ugh.
Much to ponder.
Wishing all here all the best
For a rabbit hole .. Randall Carlson on the origins of the day of the dead / All Hallows Eve. Really eye opening. Also makes one wonder about how accurate the history that is held up by a narrative. And who is best served by that narrative.
The poop show around the sister that has passed, Had some interesting conversations over the last few days about end of life stuff. Been wondering about aspects of when I'm burning in, which folks are "worthy" of the bits and bobs that I've collected over the years. Tools, hand drums, high school diploma (giggle) watches, and I really don't know right now. There's no nieces / nephews, there is my daughter however she's not into the drum stuff. Maybe some of the tools.. Even then though..
Ugh.
Much to ponder.
Wishing all here all the best
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Papa Coco - October 31, 2025, 07:04:31 PMSan,
I'm glad you got your bison. My mom was like yours. She'd rummage through my room while I was at school and throw away my possessions. When I'd find them missing, I'd ask. She'd say "You didn't need those anymore." If I ever argued back (which I only did once, then learned not to bother arguing ever again), she'd laugh at me like I was an idiot.
So I resonate with how your bison gives you comfort AND with your scars from losing the doll you once loved.
Even though they were our mothers, I still call it bullying. Bullying is when we use whatever advantage we have, (age, size, authority, wealth) do something to someone without their permission. And the one thing I hate most about bullying is that it works. They win. Bullies win. and I HATE THAT!
I'm glad your D loved you enough to give you a bison and I'm very happy to hear your spirit animal is with you physically now at slumber time.
PC
I'm glad you got your bison. My mom was like yours. She'd rummage through my room while I was at school and throw away my possessions. When I'd find them missing, I'd ask. She'd say "You didn't need those anymore." If I ever argued back (which I only did once, then learned not to bother arguing ever again), she'd laugh at me like I was an idiot.
So I resonate with how your bison gives you comfort AND with your scars from losing the doll you once loved.
Even though they were our mothers, I still call it bullying. Bullying is when we use whatever advantage we have, (age, size, authority, wealth) do something to someone without their permission. And the one thing I hate most about bullying is that it works. They win. Bullies win. and I HATE THAT!
I'm glad your D loved you enough to give you a bison and I'm very happy to hear your spirit animal is with you physically now at slumber time.
PC
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Papa Coco - October 31, 2025, 06:53:19 PMDark.Art.Girl,
Wow. I'm feeling your post in every fiber of my being. This got strongest when you said "...It's like I'm constantly making connections to that time period now. Has anyone ever experienced that? A song, a familiar looking person, the way the air feels around you, a smell, and it's just brings you back to the same spot? Constantly? Kind of like a loop."
Yes, YES! I've experienced it. Big time. When I first started remembering my CSA, I was in my late twenties, and as we come into the time of year when my abuse happened, I started losing my ability to know what year it was. It still happens to me on a smaller scale now. When I'm in an EF about what happened in 1967, I start to be unsure of what is memory and what is current. One day, I was alone in my bedroom and I heard my wife talking to our kids in the kitchen. I suddenly wasn't sure if that was my wife in 1989, or it was my mother in 1967 talking. The past and the present seemed to be occupying the exact same space in my head for a few moments.
it still happens now. Sometimes, as you say, it's a song or a physical reminder that brings the past back to life, other times it's the pain today that feels exactly like the pain of the past.
In a novel I'm reading right now, the author starts one of his chapters with the quote: "Walking through peaceful grounds, years after the battle, the soldier can still hear the cannons." Bingo! That's me, and it sounds like it's where you're at right now. You can still hear the cannons.
I am mortified when I read how you've just discovered justice was never served. That is triggering for me too. (Don't fret: I like feeling triggers that prove I am resonating with a fellow soul). there never was any justice in my case. My abuse in the 1960s was never reported, and the abusers are all dead now. BUT I felt some joy when you said yours had all been convicted, and then I felt your pain when you said you just found out they weren't.
I am of the belief that the one thing that did the most damage to anyone with trauma disorders is the sense of being alone with the trauma. Having the abusers convicted didn't erase what they did, but conviction does give some sense that someone cared enough to punish them and take them off the streets. To find out that never happened feels like being hit in the head with a shovel. It just makes us feel like nobody really cared what was done to us, and that's where trauma gets its traction. It's been said that a child isn't traumatized by abuse. The child is traumatized by dealing with abuse alone.
But here on OOTS, we're not alone. When we open up to each other we find the friendship and support that we've been craving.
I hope the loving responses you're getting from the other OOTS members here helps soften the trauma.
I've learned to not panic when the past is brought back into the present and I get confused as to what year it is. It plays itself out and eventually goes back to its corner of my brain. I think it's okay to feel it. Love the younger version of yourself. Be the adult who cares for her. Imagine her in your arms, hugging you. Maybe sobbing on your shoulder and be the person who loves her back and promises that everything will turn out okay.
Younger you wants to be loved and you want to love her. I'm finding that to be the place where healing starts. The one thing all of us want is to be loved and accepted. That's true for our IFS parts too. The magic is in the love we give to each other and to ourselves.
I'll be thinking about you all day today.
PC.
Wow. I'm feeling your post in every fiber of my being. This got strongest when you said "...It's like I'm constantly making connections to that time period now. Has anyone ever experienced that? A song, a familiar looking person, the way the air feels around you, a smell, and it's just brings you back to the same spot? Constantly? Kind of like a loop."
Yes, YES! I've experienced it. Big time. When I first started remembering my CSA, I was in my late twenties, and as we come into the time of year when my abuse happened, I started losing my ability to know what year it was. It still happens to me on a smaller scale now. When I'm in an EF about what happened in 1967, I start to be unsure of what is memory and what is current. One day, I was alone in my bedroom and I heard my wife talking to our kids in the kitchen. I suddenly wasn't sure if that was my wife in 1989, or it was my mother in 1967 talking. The past and the present seemed to be occupying the exact same space in my head for a few moments.
it still happens now. Sometimes, as you say, it's a song or a physical reminder that brings the past back to life, other times it's the pain today that feels exactly like the pain of the past.
In a novel I'm reading right now, the author starts one of his chapters with the quote: "Walking through peaceful grounds, years after the battle, the soldier can still hear the cannons." Bingo! That's me, and it sounds like it's where you're at right now. You can still hear the cannons.
I am mortified when I read how you've just discovered justice was never served. That is triggering for me too. (Don't fret: I like feeling triggers that prove I am resonating with a fellow soul). there never was any justice in my case. My abuse in the 1960s was never reported, and the abusers are all dead now. BUT I felt some joy when you said yours had all been convicted, and then I felt your pain when you said you just found out they weren't.
I am of the belief that the one thing that did the most damage to anyone with trauma disorders is the sense of being alone with the trauma. Having the abusers convicted didn't erase what they did, but conviction does give some sense that someone cared enough to punish them and take them off the streets. To find out that never happened feels like being hit in the head with a shovel. It just makes us feel like nobody really cared what was done to us, and that's where trauma gets its traction. It's been said that a child isn't traumatized by abuse. The child is traumatized by dealing with abuse alone.
But here on OOTS, we're not alone. When we open up to each other we find the friendship and support that we've been craving.
I hope the loving responses you're getting from the other OOTS members here helps soften the trauma.
I've learned to not panic when the past is brought back into the present and I get confused as to what year it is. It plays itself out and eventually goes back to its corner of my brain. I think it's okay to feel it. Love the younger version of yourself. Be the adult who cares for her. Imagine her in your arms, hugging you. Maybe sobbing on your shoulder and be the person who loves her back and promises that everything will turn out okay.
Younger you wants to be loved and you want to love her. I'm finding that to be the place where healing starts. The one thing all of us want is to be loved and accepted. That's true for our IFS parts too. The magic is in the love we give to each other and to ourselves.
I'll be thinking about you all day today.
PC.
#27
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Here - Hello!
Last post by Dark.art.girl - October 31, 2025, 06:07:49 PMWelcome DoggieWoof!!!! I'm another fellow (almost) 25 y/o and ironically no-contact with my mother also. You should feel so proud for making that leap, it's hard but I felt it was so worth it.
Man, I couldn't relate with this more. Same with the dreams that Kizzie mentioned, wow. We're all in the same boat lol Looks like you've found a home here!
Quote from: DoggieWoof123 on September 29, 2025, 04:47:39 AMI still feel very sensitive whenever my partner is stressed or if I ever have to bring up my feelings to him (luckily he is an extremely emotionally mature man and the sweetest person ever) but the triggers are crippling. I've been with him for 6.5 years but still all my trauma seems to project onto him. I will spend an entire week being terribly nervous about how to bring something up to him... then when I finally bring it up, and it goes fine, I feel depleted and pathetic.
Man, I couldn't relate with this more. Same with the dreams that Kizzie mentioned, wow. We're all in the same boat lol Looks like you've found a home here!
#28
Therapy / Re: Therapy directly on a core...
Last post by Blueberry - October 31, 2025, 06:04:15 PMQuote from: Kizzie on October 29, 2025, 04:30:56 PMHey BB, what helped me and I think I've posted about it and talked about it in the Zoom groups is that I kept asking myself the question "Am I that bad?" for a period and one day I had an epiphany, almost a bolt of lighting that "No, I am actually a good person, decent, kind, honest, etc" because when I asked the question I would then compare myself to my abusers, the abusers I read about on this forum and in the news and I was nowhere near that. I had value and worth despite or maybe because of my abuse.
I think of you as a really decent person (e.g., look at all the time and effort you've put into helping me with this forum over the years
Anyway, I just had that wonderful, freeing thought one day that it's ridiculous (and sad) that I or any of us should feel less than, bad, etc. Challenging those kind of thoughts was a great strategy for getting rid of them.
Hope this is helpful!
Thank you so much Kizzie!
Unfortunately that's a little too head-based to get thru to me at certain times.
I've kind of answered my own question just this week. I ended up doing pretty deep stuff on what I'd see as a core wound with my OT. Inner Child work + somatic stuff I was aware of.
So it's probably not so much the method as how much I'm able to work on a core wound. I know I said during the work that I'd been there before just not at such a deep level.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - October 31, 2025, 05:35:10 PMSan,
Thank you for your kind words, I will absolutely accept hugs! Unfortunately, I'm not in the financial position to have a therapist nor do I feel like I have the mental capacity to start over with a new one lol But I wanted to tell you, I believe you're correct when you say I've gotten to the deeper part of this. It's bringing out a lot of the early childhood things I never explored/dealt with that must have needed some attention and never really got it. But it's leaving me with a lot of questions, too.
And Francis, thank you and congratulations to you as well. It was extremely terrifying to talk about. I discussed things I never shared with anyone in my entire life. There's a few things you brought up that I'd like to touch on here in this journal: shame and hiding things.
Besides the abuse, I now remember hiding nearly everything in my personal life from adults around me. Numerous times I genuinely could not verbalize feelings to parents--literally couldn't even open my mouth to speak. I'm glad you talked about this, because in my current relationship, I wondered why it was so hard for me to share basic feelings or why I felt the need to hide things that didn't need to be hidden. There's a constant feeling of shame or embarrassment that it carries.
I'm currently putting together pieces of information that I feel is most likely to validate the early childhood abuse. Such as atypical behaviors I exhibited that went completely neglected by adult figures, i.e. my mother (my father was working a lot). It's painful, but it's allowing me to verify the experiences that are more foggy in my memory. My mother demonstrated a lot of predatory behaviors herself that I now recognize as inappropriate and I question her involvement further and further every day--except I'm sure there's a point where it becomes unhealthy to continue speculating rather than just accepting. She facilitated some very serious instances later in my life. But in early childhood, she did things that made me uncomfortable with my body around both her and my father--he wanted nothing to do with her antics; in fact, he was very embarrassed and shy around sexual topics with me. I felt uncomfortable with physical contact with either of them for a long time. Even now I feel weird hugging my dad. It's so sad and so wrong.
There was an interview of a woman who talked about how her mother took the position of a "vicarious" predator, one who abused her through the actions of others. My mother, in her own way and by her own motivations, was that kind of predator. I find it difficult to tackle one piece of this at a time--the acceptance of it, how to approach this topic with others, my attachment to her and so-on. My brain is a scrambled egg.
Thank you for your kind words, I will absolutely accept hugs! Unfortunately, I'm not in the financial position to have a therapist nor do I feel like I have the mental capacity to start over with a new one lol But I wanted to tell you, I believe you're correct when you say I've gotten to the deeper part of this. It's bringing out a lot of the early childhood things I never explored/dealt with that must have needed some attention and never really got it. But it's leaving me with a lot of questions, too.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 31, 2025, 02:33:58 PMit sounds like you've gotten to a deeper part of all this perhaps? i'm very sorry you're going thru it at all, altho i'm very glad for you that your partner is there by your side, not letting go. do you have a therapist? i think this may be something to speak to them about, work on resolving these issues so the triggers fade. it's rough, tho, when no matter what you do, where you go, something reaches out and sends you spiraling.
i do hope you find justice and closure. best to you with this. sending a gentle hug, if that's ok.
And Francis, thank you and congratulations to you as well. It was extremely terrifying to talk about. I discussed things I never shared with anyone in my entire life. There's a few things you brought up that I'd like to touch on here in this journal: shame and hiding things.
Quote from: Francis5 on October 31, 2025, 02:54:03 PMHiding things is something I am working though and writing about right now. The more you can share with the right people/person, I strongly believe the better
The loop you speak of really resonates. It seems some days (or months/years) every action, conversation instantly traces back to my trauma, to that fear, shame, like a gut punch. It does ease some times as I can say the past little while it hasn't been so noticeable. I wish for you that easing and for lots of peaceful moments today.
Besides the abuse, I now remember hiding nearly everything in my personal life from adults around me. Numerous times I genuinely could not verbalize feelings to parents--literally couldn't even open my mouth to speak. I'm glad you talked about this, because in my current relationship, I wondered why it was so hard for me to share basic feelings or why I felt the need to hide things that didn't need to be hidden. There's a constant feeling of shame or embarrassment that it carries.
I'm currently putting together pieces of information that I feel is most likely to validate the early childhood abuse. Such as atypical behaviors I exhibited that went completely neglected by adult figures, i.e. my mother (my father was working a lot). It's painful, but it's allowing me to verify the experiences that are more foggy in my memory. My mother demonstrated a lot of predatory behaviors herself that I now recognize as inappropriate and I question her involvement further and further every day--except I'm sure there's a point where it becomes unhealthy to continue speculating rather than just accepting. She facilitated some very serious instances later in my life. But in early childhood, she did things that made me uncomfortable with my body around both her and my father--he wanted nothing to do with her antics; in fact, he was very embarrassed and shy around sexual topics with me. I felt uncomfortable with physical contact with either of them for a long time. Even now I feel weird hugging my dad. It's so sad and so wrong.
There was an interview of a woman who talked about how her mother took the position of a "vicarious" predator, one who abused her through the actions of others. My mother, in her own way and by her own motivations, was that kind of predator. I find it difficult to tackle one piece of this at a time--the acceptance of it, how to approach this topic with others, my attachment to her and so-on. My brain is a scrambled egg.
#30
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: CPTSD and healthy partners...
Last post by Kizzie - October 31, 2025, 05:04:59 PM