Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 03:48:39 AMIt's ok to push back if something I say isn't helpful. I have no way of knowing what anyone "should" do and yes, sometimes even encouragement can feel like pressure, a demand, or a criticism. Sometimes people caring for us can feel like too much, or like control, or just not validating. I'm glad you spoke up and said what you think is true, that you know where your boundaries are and right now you think you're doing what's within your means to do. It really is up to only you how you live your life! Only you know what makes sense to do in the moment. I know I've extended myself for my kids in ways other people criticize sometimes. Sometimes that's part of being a parent, I get that aspect of it for sure.
Hooray for speaking up and saying what you feel!
Hooray for speaking up and saying what you feel!
#22
Letters of Recovery / Re: to the ones that raised me...
Last post by asdis - Today at 01:34:02 AMD-
I can't escape what's all over the news and the internet. Going offline leaves me genuinely, 100% alone for 10-12 hours a day. Unfortunately, staying online means I am still mostly alone and left to process things on my own. And in trying to navigate finding a middle ground where I'm not inundated with retraumatizing materials but also not 100% alone, I've had some new questions pop up.
I know that you were sexually abusing me. I know that your D did too. I know that the neighbors were.
I know that you, bare minimum, allowed me to be trafficked. I know that both you and M had to work hard to keep it under wraps. Your image was (is) everything. This is where most of my questions are.
What happened to my g-d father? It feels weird to call him that now, but I've always wondered why he disappeared and all contact was ceased. I don't remember how old I was, but I know I was 7 or younger. He was your best friend. I think I still have the shelf he made for me that you never hung. But he was such a big part of our lives before he disappeared. You refused to talk about it, about him in general.
I know you had a lot of hobby friend groups while I was growing up. I know there were lots of people with secrets and that those secrets were regarded more as "jokes" when certain company (usually M) wasn't present. I remember your CIA friend. I remember your "secret society" friends. I remember your secret phones and never ending cash. I remember how you'd switch up between having all these hobby friends and having "no friends". I want to know what really happened. I want to know why you had those friends. Why did I always know about your CIA friend? Why did you have so many "secret society" friends? Why was I "part of it" until suddenly I wasn't? Were the cop friends yours? Or M's? Were they the neighbors friends?
You were the one pushing me into sports. I did dance for what, two, three years? I did t-ball. I did gymnastics. Was money really the reason I was pulled? We never seemed to be hurting for money, but we were always "too poor" for anything you didn't deem immediately necessary or a good investment. Or when you'd give us apology gifts.
This all ties back in to the abuse I experienced in religious spaces and school as well. Because the common theme amongst all of them is you pushing me into these spaces, vocally praising and building them up, only to turn around and vocally hate and distrust them.
I want to know why. I want to know why my brain can't separate these things now that I can know them all at the same time. And I want to know why it all stopped. What happened? How did I get out?
I've been trying my whole life to understand your constant 180s, contradictions, and hypocrisy. To understand how you could go so smoothly between extreme invasions of privacy and a refusal to acknowledge my existence. To understand why nothing I do or don't do matters, why you can only see me through a lens I can't access. I have so many questions for you, if you could just be honest with me. If you could just stop being so reactive and defensive.
I don't want any of you in my life anymore. But if things were different, if I could talk to you, really, actually talk to you openly and honestly, maybe it'd be different. I know it sounds crazy. Even if that was the only change, even if being able to talk to you that way confirmed everything, even if it meant knowing worse things than I know now. Being able to talk to you that way is a luxury I've never had. It was always the rest of the family against me unless I was the one keeping us together. My honesty regarded as lies and exaggerations, my feelings regarded as threats or impositions. Is it really too much for me to ask for the truth?
Don't you see this is killing me? Not knowing, not being able to ask. I can't remember a time where my trust in you wasn't rooted in a fear of something worse than you. Do you even know how many times you've admitted the physical abuse to me? That you still swear never happened?
When I'm forced to process my flashbacks, my childhood, I can't separate you or M from what happened. Because what happened to me was done by your hand, ignored by your eyes, covered by your words and lies. I know I'm not lying. My body remembers more than my brain and I refuse to shut it out again. It always comes back to you two. You "didn't know" so you punished me for nothing? You "weren't aware" so you called me a liar for bringing it up? You "never did anything" but only respect my physical boundaries in the presence of my husband? You'll "do anything" for me, so long as it suits your story.
I just wish you were capable of seeing me. Really, truly seeing me. Maybe then you'd answer all these questions.
I can't escape what's all over the news and the internet. Going offline leaves me genuinely, 100% alone for 10-12 hours a day. Unfortunately, staying online means I am still mostly alone and left to process things on my own. And in trying to navigate finding a middle ground where I'm not inundated with retraumatizing materials but also not 100% alone, I've had some new questions pop up.
I know that you were sexually abusing me. I know that your D did too. I know that the neighbors were.
I know that you, bare minimum, allowed me to be trafficked. I know that both you and M had to work hard to keep it under wraps. Your image was (is) everything. This is where most of my questions are.
What happened to my g-d father? It feels weird to call him that now, but I've always wondered why he disappeared and all contact was ceased. I don't remember how old I was, but I know I was 7 or younger. He was your best friend. I think I still have the shelf he made for me that you never hung. But he was such a big part of our lives before he disappeared. You refused to talk about it, about him in general.
I know you had a lot of hobby friend groups while I was growing up. I know there were lots of people with secrets and that those secrets were regarded more as "jokes" when certain company (usually M) wasn't present. I remember your CIA friend. I remember your "secret society" friends. I remember your secret phones and never ending cash. I remember how you'd switch up between having all these hobby friends and having "no friends". I want to know what really happened. I want to know why you had those friends. Why did I always know about your CIA friend? Why did you have so many "secret society" friends? Why was I "part of it" until suddenly I wasn't? Were the cop friends yours? Or M's? Were they the neighbors friends?
You were the one pushing me into sports. I did dance for what, two, three years? I did t-ball. I did gymnastics. Was money really the reason I was pulled? We never seemed to be hurting for money, but we were always "too poor" for anything you didn't deem immediately necessary or a good investment. Or when you'd give us apology gifts.
This all ties back in to the abuse I experienced in religious spaces and school as well. Because the common theme amongst all of them is you pushing me into these spaces, vocally praising and building them up, only to turn around and vocally hate and distrust them.
I want to know why. I want to know why my brain can't separate these things now that I can know them all at the same time. And I want to know why it all stopped. What happened? How did I get out?
I've been trying my whole life to understand your constant 180s, contradictions, and hypocrisy. To understand how you could go so smoothly between extreme invasions of privacy and a refusal to acknowledge my existence. To understand why nothing I do or don't do matters, why you can only see me through a lens I can't access. I have so many questions for you, if you could just be honest with me. If you could just stop being so reactive and defensive.
I don't want any of you in my life anymore. But if things were different, if I could talk to you, really, actually talk to you openly and honestly, maybe it'd be different. I know it sounds crazy. Even if that was the only change, even if being able to talk to you that way confirmed everything, even if it meant knowing worse things than I know now. Being able to talk to you that way is a luxury I've never had. It was always the rest of the family against me unless I was the one keeping us together. My honesty regarded as lies and exaggerations, my feelings regarded as threats or impositions. Is it really too much for me to ask for the truth?
Don't you see this is killing me? Not knowing, not being able to ask. I can't remember a time where my trust in you wasn't rooted in a fear of something worse than you. Do you even know how many times you've admitted the physical abuse to me? That you still swear never happened?
When I'm forced to process my flashbacks, my childhood, I can't separate you or M from what happened. Because what happened to me was done by your hand, ignored by your eyes, covered by your words and lies. I know I'm not lying. My body remembers more than my brain and I refuse to shut it out again. It always comes back to you two. You "didn't know" so you punished me for nothing? You "weren't aware" so you called me a liar for bringing it up? You "never did anything" but only respect my physical boundaries in the presence of my husband? You'll "do anything" for me, so long as it suits your story.
I just wish you were capable of seeing me. Really, truly seeing me. Maybe then you'd answer all these questions.
#23
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: My Story
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 01:25:57 AMWelcome Dandelion 
Reading this felt uncomfortably familiar to me. High-functioning on the outside, while growing up as the scapegoat of a narcissistic father and a mother who leaned on me as her regulating container (parentification/horizontal enmeshment). Like you, it was much easier for me to recognize the overt abuse - the neglect and parentification took far longer to really see, even though it likely had more impact.
I minimized a lot of it to survive. From the outside, my life looked successful and intact; inside, there was no internal safety, no solid sense of self, and a lot of shame I assumed was my fault.
Coming to consciousness about this in the late 50s (for me that was less than a year ago) is disorienting - grieving what didn't happen while realizing how much was carried alone for decades.
Wanting to be around people who get this - without having to explain or justify it - makes complete sense. I'm glad you found your way here, and I hope this space helps you live more fully.
Reading this felt uncomfortably familiar to me. High-functioning on the outside, while growing up as the scapegoat of a narcissistic father and a mother who leaned on me as her regulating container (parentification/horizontal enmeshment). Like you, it was much easier for me to recognize the overt abuse - the neglect and parentification took far longer to really see, even though it likely had more impact.
I minimized a lot of it to survive. From the outside, my life looked successful and intact; inside, there was no internal safety, no solid sense of self, and a lot of shame I assumed was my fault.
Coming to consciousness about this in the late 50s (for me that was less than a year ago) is disorienting - grieving what didn't happen while realizing how much was carried alone for decades.
Wanting to be around people who get this - without having to explain or justify it - makes complete sense. I'm glad you found your way here, and I hope this space helps you live more fully.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 12:57:35 AMThat sounds like a truthful, embodied vent - not dramatic, just honest. Getting an unwanted "gift" like that can reopen the exact wound you're trying to protect yourself from, and it makes complete sense that your body reacted first. You're not wrong for needing distance, and you're not wrong for grieving what you never got. Take care of your nervous system now - the feelings make sense.
And part 2 (because I started my reply to your previous post a while ago :-):
This is a really beautiful follow-up.
You took something that landed as pain and turned it into agency, care, and choice - on your own terms. Donating it so someone else can receive it simply as kindness (without the history attached) is quietly powerful. Good for you.
Also: a bath, jambalaya, the zoo, learning photography, and a marriage license? That's not "just surviving." That's building a life. Practical, grounded, loving, and very real. And very much "we're taking care of each other in the world as it is." 💍
"Keep it on" feels exactly right. You're doing that - keeping it on, moving forward, choosing warmth where you can. Thanks for sharing the arc of the day; it matters to witness the shift.
And part 2 (because I started my reply to your previous post a while ago :-):
This is a really beautiful follow-up.
You took something that landed as pain and turned it into agency, care, and choice - on your own terms. Donating it so someone else can receive it simply as kindness (without the history attached) is quietly powerful. Good for you.
Also: a bath, jambalaya, the zoo, learning photography, and a marriage license? That's not "just surviving." That's building a life. Practical, grounded, loving, and very real. And very much "we're taking care of each other in the world as it is." 💍
"Keep it on" feels exactly right. You're doing that - keeping it on, moving forward, choosing warmth where you can. Thanks for sharing the arc of the day; it matters to witness the shift.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Armee - Today at 12:47:28 AMTelling you to put on your oxygen mask first was advice-y and dismissive and I'm sorry. I messed that one up! You know how to handle all this, you always have. I was just feeling protective of you which is not really my place.
I care about you, San, but my delivery was off.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - February 13, 2026, 11:29:46 PMLater on in the day now. Home. Currently in the bath.
It is over. I decided to deliver the plushie and sundry to a community food bank we have in our building due to the ICE activity threatening our city, though thankfully they're now leaving soon. Someone will take it and only know a kind gift on behalf of a stranger for Valentine's day. My mother would've scoffed at such acts.
My partner is making jambalaya for dinner. Tomorrow we're going to the Zoo and they're teaching me more advanced photography techniques to help add to my resume of skills.
And, a secret, we got our marriage license yesterday. Not doing a Valentine's wedding or any sort of fancy thing yet either, but we're like, treating the marriage as a government marriage. Socially we aren't yet. Just want my beau on my sweet medical insurance. Yay America.
Keep it on.
It is over. I decided to deliver the plushie and sundry to a community food bank we have in our building due to the ICE activity threatening our city, though thankfully they're now leaving soon. Someone will take it and only know a kind gift on behalf of a stranger for Valentine's day. My mother would've scoffed at such acts.
My partner is making jambalaya for dinner. Tomorrow we're going to the Zoo and they're teaching me more advanced photography techniques to help add to my resume of skills.
And, a secret, we got our marriage license yesterday. Not doing a Valentine's wedding or any sort of fancy thing yet either, but we're like, treating the marriage as a government marriage. Socially we aren't yet. Just want my beau on my sweet medical insurance. Yay America.
Keep it on.
#27
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: I think I may have found m...
Last post by MiaBailey - February 13, 2026, 09:40:19 PMI've written 3 replies and had 3 power outages. Haha 
Yeah, neglect is hard to explain. Like I said, we live in a world that can wrap it's head around "well, what happened to you . . . " and not so much the absence of love and nurturance. I remember a law professor of mine explaining that proving negative evidence is far more difficult than proving positive evidence -- of what did happen versus what didn't happen.
I did EMDR and when it is death by a thousand cuts, as mentioned by Kizzie and BigBlue, which one of the 12 million little things do you focus in on? There aren't enough EMDR sessions to address all of the micro-abuses exacted upon me by the neglect and the slights and the snears and the blah blahs blahs.
She would always say the most bizarre things to me. When Roe v. Wade was first being litigated back in 1970, I was 6 years old. My mother told me that had abortion been legal sooner she would have had only 2 children. What you need to know for this little story is that I was her third child. Lovely little gems like this were planted in my head.
Anyway, the woman is 88 years old and still a terror. I have only have only spoken with her 2 times in 10 years. That is really hard for me as I am very much a loyal and loving family person. I just cannot have the tiniest bit of contact with her as she just sends me into an orbit.
Oh yeah, mom didn't do medical. I broke my arm once and begged her to take me to the hospital. I begged her for 5 hours and she finally took me. On the way to the hospital, she slammed the car into drive and turned around and looked at me and told me that it that GD arm isn't broken I will break it. The emergency room doctor was pissed that it took her that long to get me to the hospital. I can remember hearing him lecture her and I can remember feeling kinda of satisfied that someone was setting her straight. I wore that cast for several months. I had a compound fracture.
Yeah, neglect is hard to explain. Like I said, we live in a world that can wrap it's head around "well, what happened to you . . . " and not so much the absence of love and nurturance. I remember a law professor of mine explaining that proving negative evidence is far more difficult than proving positive evidence -- of what did happen versus what didn't happen.
I did EMDR and when it is death by a thousand cuts, as mentioned by Kizzie and BigBlue, which one of the 12 million little things do you focus in on? There aren't enough EMDR sessions to address all of the micro-abuses exacted upon me by the neglect and the slights and the snears and the blah blahs blahs.
She would always say the most bizarre things to me. When Roe v. Wade was first being litigated back in 1970, I was 6 years old. My mother told me that had abortion been legal sooner she would have had only 2 children. What you need to know for this little story is that I was her third child. Lovely little gems like this were planted in my head.
Anyway, the woman is 88 years old and still a terror. I have only have only spoken with her 2 times in 10 years. That is really hard for me as I am very much a loyal and loving family person. I just cannot have the tiniest bit of contact with her as she just sends me into an orbit.
Oh yeah, mom didn't do medical. I broke my arm once and begged her to take me to the hospital. I begged her for 5 hours and she finally took me. On the way to the hospital, she slammed the car into drive and turned around and looked at me and told me that it that GD arm isn't broken I will break it. The emergency room doctor was pissed that it took her that long to get me to the hospital. I can remember hearing him lecture her and I can remember feeling kinda of satisfied that someone was setting her straight. I wore that cast for several months. I had a compound fracture.
#28
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: My Story
Last post by Blueberry - February 13, 2026, 09:22:37 PMWelcome to the forum, Dandelion22!
I like your name because I like dandelions and the name reminds me of the rabbit Dandelion in "Watership Down".
I hope you find this forum supportive.
I like your name because I like dandelions and the name reminds me of the rabbit Dandelion in "Watership Down".
I hope you find this forum supportive.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - February 13, 2026, 08:47:52 PMVery very bothered today on what should be a nice beginning to Valentine's day weekend. Or, an expected outcome to Friday the 13th perhaps.
I apologize in advanced for my words in this post as I debrief to myself and to you all.
I just received a text from my partner. A package. I haven't ordered anything. I questioned, assuming first it was from some account stuff I've been dealing with for work, blah blah... But then they said where it was from: a company I know of. My body drained of all its blood, that's what it felt like. I knew what it was.
They took a picture of the information and I found it. The phone number listed on the order was not mine. It was my one of parents, and knowing what it was from and who my parents are, I knew it was from my mother. A Valentine's day gift, presumably.
I would love to live my life free of these people! I am DONE with them. And most importantly, PLASTIC JUNK does not heal ANYTHING. It feels as if certain types of people beginning from the boomer generation onward feel as if consumerism and excess is a gift and fine enough an excuse to abuse and berate others. It feels so ingrained in a capitalistic society, in the american consumerism way. We are not religious, but it is as giving a tithe away is an excuse for all the rest of it.
A stupid plastic plushie is not going to soothe my wounds. I wanted a damn mommy. I wanted to hug someone I didn't revile and who loved me for me. Stop sending me trash. Stop sending me anything. I do not want things. I have an OCD tendency to hate things because of you mom, because of our damned hoarder house full of storage for your work. I have illnesses and weakness because of your ignorant choices.
A stupid, stupid plushie doesn't heal anything. In fact, it makes me run harder.
This has been a vent. I have to crisis control my body now and continue to work. Happy Valentine's day.
I apologize in advanced for my words in this post as I debrief to myself and to you all.
I just received a text from my partner. A package. I haven't ordered anything. I questioned, assuming first it was from some account stuff I've been dealing with for work, blah blah... But then they said where it was from: a company I know of. My body drained of all its blood, that's what it felt like. I knew what it was.
They took a picture of the information and I found it. The phone number listed on the order was not mine. It was my one of parents, and knowing what it was from and who my parents are, I knew it was from my mother. A Valentine's day gift, presumably.
I would love to live my life free of these people! I am DONE with them. And most importantly, PLASTIC JUNK does not heal ANYTHING. It feels as if certain types of people beginning from the boomer generation onward feel as if consumerism and excess is a gift and fine enough an excuse to abuse and berate others. It feels so ingrained in a capitalistic society, in the american consumerism way. We are not religious, but it is as giving a tithe away is an excuse for all the rest of it.
A stupid plastic plushie is not going to soothe my wounds. I wanted a damn mommy. I wanted to hug someone I didn't revile and who loved me for me. Stop sending me trash. Stop sending me anything. I do not want things. I have an OCD tendency to hate things because of you mom, because of our damned hoarder house full of storage for your work. I have illnesses and weakness because of your ignorant choices.
A stupid, stupid plushie doesn't heal anything. In fact, it makes me run harder.
This has been a vent. I have to crisis control my body now and continue to work. Happy Valentine's day.
#30
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by Armee - February 13, 2026, 08:35:48 PMYeah that's true Teddy Bear. I do wonder what causes one person to head toward a CPTSD presentation, one toward personality disorder, one toward schizophrenia, and one toward psychopathy.