Recent posts
#21
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / What is Joy?
Last post by gcj07a - November 29, 2025, 01:58:32 PMMy wife likes to ask people what has brought them joy lately. And most people actually have an answer! I don't understand that. I don't know if I have ever felt joy. Or, if I have, I don't remember it. At best there are moments of contentment, when active pain is still for awhile. But the emotional suffering is always waiting for me. Growing up the best I could hope for was to be left alone, but I work and have a family and can't be left alone. Which is why there is always pain. I have recently spiraled back into major depression (it comes and goes depending on how well managed my CPTSD is) just in time for the holidays.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - November 29, 2025, 01:48:05 PMHey Chart, "yeah, that" and thank you too. No need to apologise at all, I totally get it.
I do see the good work as well.
Take care you too.
I do see the good work as well.
Take care you too.
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - November 29, 2025, 01:23:55 PMHey Ran, take your time with the Forum. It is many things, but always striving towards healthy interactions and positive relationships, even when things are really really hard. I totally agree with TheBigBlue. Take your time here and everywhere. You are very brave. I'm trying to get away from expecting my life to begin when I finally reach a certain level of healing. I'm trying to realize that I am living my life right now. Sometimes that's depressing because I imagine that since it's always been this way, it's also likely to not change. But I know that's false. But pain is so dominating, but things are changing.
Sending support and hugs if that's ok, Chart.
Sending support and hugs if that's ok, Chart.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Chart - November 29, 2025, 12:32:39 PMHey DF, you describe so very well the Cptsd experience. I can relate, it's like just when you manage to "survice" one stressful experience, WHAM! another comes right along right behind it. Hardly a beat to catch our breath.
Very cool you are anticipating circumstances that are difficult and stressful and letting others know what and how you are going to deal with the situation. I was recently 45 minutes late for a social services appointment (which as their fault because the "politicians" in France are always changing the names of the public services; The Employment Center is now called France Services...) When I finally arrived I was so extremely stressed that I was completely unable to keep my feelings and emotions internalized. I didn't go too far, but I definitely let them know that things were WAY beyond my capacity to deal with and that I was at my absolute maximum and that THEY were actually making things worse and not helping me in the slightest. I've also started getting up on the "high horse" especially with folks who SHOULD KNOW about Cptsd... Anyway, I'm ranting, sorry :-)
I sense good work getting done in what you relate in your journal. I hope you see and feel it too.
Sending support.
Very cool you are anticipating circumstances that are difficult and stressful and letting others know what and how you are going to deal with the situation. I was recently 45 minutes late for a social services appointment (which as their fault because the "politicians" in France are always changing the names of the public services; The Employment Center is now called France Services...) When I finally arrived I was so extremely stressed that I was completely unable to keep my feelings and emotions internalized. I didn't go too far, but I definitely let them know that things were WAY beyond my capacity to deal with and that I was at my absolute maximum and that THEY were actually making things worse and not helping me in the slightest. I've also started getting up on the "high horse" especially with folks who SHOULD KNOW about Cptsd... Anyway, I'm ranting, sorry :-)
I sense good work getting done in what you relate in your journal. I hope you see and feel it too.
Sending support.
#25
Eating Issues / Re: Why “Morbid Obesity” Still...
Last post by Dalloway - November 29, 2025, 11:10:02 AM
your post TheBigBlue #26
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Outside my own head
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 10:53:03 AMWelcome to the forum. 
I'm so sorry about the loss of your cat. Pets are family and loss of something that offered you a lifeline is shattering. 
I'm so sorry about the loss of your cat. Pets are family and loss of something that offered you a lifeline is shattering. #27
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 10:47:00 AMWelcome to the forum.
#28
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member Intro
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 10:45:04 AMWelcome to the forum.
#29
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 10:43:58 AMWelcome to the forum.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - November 29, 2025, 10:01:38 AMHi Blueberry, I'm glad you understand. And the others, thank you too.
And we shouldn't be comparing, should we, although it's difficult not to sometimes.
Maybe I have been dealing with more in real life but I've not been doing so well underneath either. I'm very good at keeping up appearances, too good for my own good.
I now sent some messages to different people to cut down my activities again, at my Buddhist group, at work, with my friends to make some room for me.
Last week held a few BIG triggers for me:
At work, we're conducting an inspection atm and we had an important meeting for that, somewhere in the middle of the country. This involved driving and I have a bit of a fear of driving. I had already told my colleagues I would not be able to pick any of them up and drive them because that would be too much for me - very good yay. And I had checked the night before and google maps had told me it would be a 45 min drive. And so I allowed for one and a half hour, just to be sure with morning traffic and all. And then I checked again in the morning, and google maps now said it was one and a half hours drive so that completely freaked me out because I thought I would never have enough time to get there and I completely didn't grasp that google maps is allowing for traffic already. So I started driving in the middle of an EF. And then when I got there, I couldn't find the place, more EF, and I told my colleague because I was on the verge of tears (shame). So on with the actual meeting. And then one of the speakers, completely out of the blue, mentioned they had a special database of people with PTSD and 'how to handle them'. That just completely blew me away but I stayed composed. Well, another persona had taken over already of course. I should be in their f***ing database!!! And driving back, I had forgotten my sunglasses and the sun was shining right in my face the whole time, I just barely made it back home.
And another one that was entirely unexpected happened at this new yoga place I had been trying. The room was really nice and the time suited me well (I have to organise around the children's schedules). And the teacher was okay although a little disorganised. The biggest problem so far had been that it was located in an industrial area very well known for its drugs dealing activities etc. and the parking place was underneath the freeway and these places freak me out. And then - trigger - when she started the final relaxation, the teacher went through all the chakras (all right then) and for each chakra she asked a number of questions to reflect on: are you taking enough time to feel this, taking enough space for yourself etc. etc., four questions for every chakra so that's 28 questions and my answers (internally) were NO NO NO. Not very relaxing after all. Blaming myself for not taking better care of myself instead of the yoga being the better care of myself. Not going there again, needless to say.
I'm looking into starting some more therapy with the trauma sensitive yoga person, as she seems to know her stuff.
Big hugs for all of you and me
And we shouldn't be comparing, should we, although it's difficult not to sometimes.
Maybe I have been dealing with more in real life but I've not been doing so well underneath either. I'm very good at keeping up appearances, too good for my own good.
I now sent some messages to different people to cut down my activities again, at my Buddhist group, at work, with my friends to make some room for me.
Last week held a few BIG triggers for me:
At work, we're conducting an inspection atm and we had an important meeting for that, somewhere in the middle of the country. This involved driving and I have a bit of a fear of driving. I had already told my colleagues I would not be able to pick any of them up and drive them because that would be too much for me - very good yay. And I had checked the night before and google maps had told me it would be a 45 min drive. And so I allowed for one and a half hour, just to be sure with morning traffic and all. And then I checked again in the morning, and google maps now said it was one and a half hours drive so that completely freaked me out because I thought I would never have enough time to get there and I completely didn't grasp that google maps is allowing for traffic already. So I started driving in the middle of an EF. And then when I got there, I couldn't find the place, more EF, and I told my colleague because I was on the verge of tears (shame). So on with the actual meeting. And then one of the speakers, completely out of the blue, mentioned they had a special database of people with PTSD and 'how to handle them'. That just completely blew me away but I stayed composed. Well, another persona had taken over already of course. I should be in their f***ing database!!! And driving back, I had forgotten my sunglasses and the sun was shining right in my face the whole time, I just barely made it back home.
And another one that was entirely unexpected happened at this new yoga place I had been trying. The room was really nice and the time suited me well (I have to organise around the children's schedules). And the teacher was okay although a little disorganised. The biggest problem so far had been that it was located in an industrial area very well known for its drugs dealing activities etc. and the parking place was underneath the freeway and these places freak me out. And then - trigger - when she started the final relaxation, the teacher went through all the chakras (all right then) and for each chakra she asked a number of questions to reflect on: are you taking enough time to feel this, taking enough space for yourself etc. etc., four questions for every chakra so that's 28 questions and my answers (internally) were NO NO NO. Not very relaxing after all. Blaming myself for not taking better care of myself instead of the yoga being the better care of myself. Not going there again, needless to say.
I'm looking into starting some more therapy with the trauma sensitive yoga person, as she seems to know her stuff.
Big hugs for all of you and me