Recent posts
#21
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by Blueberry - February 26, 2026, 10:06:57 PMQuote from: Seeking to survive on February 23, 2026, 07:24:52 PMIt was like I was brainwashed against reaching out for help or even expressing my feelings.
That's what I felt growing up in my FOO.
Welcome to the forum
I hope this can become a supportive place for you where you can make further steps out of isolation. Baby steps count when healing from cptsd! So even if you just read posts and don't respond for a while, you're making steps out of that isolation.
#22
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi everyone
Last post by Blueberry - February 26, 2026, 10:02:43 PMWelcome to the forum, bluejayway! Sorry you need us, but glad you found us.
It's good to hear you have therapy, art, music, poetry, nature and animals! Those are all good strengths to have onside while healing. If you're like me, you maybe had to work at getting those strengths on board? If so, good job on that.
I hope to see you more around the forum when you feel able to share more.
It's good to hear you have therapy, art, music, poetry, nature and animals! Those are all good strengths to have onside while healing. If you're like me, you maybe had to work at getting those strengths on board? If so, good job on that.
I hope to see you more around the forum when you feel able to share more.
#23
SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: Visceral revulsion when ar...
Last post by Blueberry - February 26, 2026, 09:55:50 PMI feel revulsion around M and there were times during my healing when I refused any physical contact. Or other times I put up with it by half-dissociating, when I didn't feel emotionally strong enough to set a boundary.
My M was the one who did CSA to me from I presume infancy onwards till I was about 10. So I figured the revulsion was to do with that combined with maybe a general feeling that she went over my boundaries in other ways too. I remember saying in therapy that she didn't know where she ended and I started. (Tho it's likely she did, she just didn't care or want to acknowledge that I had boundaries too.) Anyway, I wonder if you might feel visceral revulsion around your M because of some (early?) boundary violations, whether physical or emotional?
My M was the one who did CSA to me from I presume infancy onwards till I was about 10. So I figured the revulsion was to do with that combined with maybe a general feeling that she went over my boundaries in other ways too. I remember saying in therapy that she didn't know where she ended and I started. (Tho it's likely she did, she just didn't care or want to acknowledge that I had boundaries too.) Anyway, I wonder if you might feel visceral revulsion around your M because of some (early?) boundary violations, whether physical or emotional?
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 26, 2026, 09:52:03 PM I tracked down my foster parents' house back in 1975 and was able to see it from street view. 
That was the first place where I felt safe and loved since "Hingepin Manor". My heart just about burst seeing it again!
And now I'm off to '80s throwback night. cheesy '80s movie with poutine, then roller disco.
I'm spending the rest of this day happy in the moment.
That was the first place where I felt safe and loved since "Hingepin Manor". My heart just about burst seeing it again!
And now I'm off to '80s throwback night. cheesy '80s movie with poutine, then roller disco.
I'm spending the rest of this day happy in the moment.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Blueberry - February 26, 2026, 09:46:20 PMI hear you, Bach! I feel like dealing with proper meal prep about once every 2 weeks. I live alone...
#26
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi everyone
Last post by Kizzie - February 26, 2026, 05:23:29 PMHi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm BlueJayWay And well done you for the recovery work you've been doing! I hope being here will help you get further along. 
And well done you for the recovery work you've been doing! I hope being here will help you get further along. #27
SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: Visceral revulsion when ar...
Last post by Kizzie - February 26, 2026, 05:19:47 PMHey NK, I hear you on the revulsion to your NM in particular. As I was reading your post I remembered a poster who said she would actually feel sick around her NM and that light went off as it often does here. I felt the same but also realized I felt quite guilty, as though I couldn't bear to clearly see her as she was. That was the moment, however, that I felt those feelings rise to the surface. I could see how broken, cruel and manipulative she was and that was hard because she was my M.
It wasn't something I wanted to feel about her but looking back I think feeling sick being near her helped me to be able to step away from her. Prior to that I had been very enmeshed and afraid of pulling back. I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps the revulsion means you are seeing her as she is and that is so hard to do when it's your own M. And maybe the revulsion will help you shield yourself so she doesn't poison you and/or your life? It is one of those very difficult things in recovery--feeling those things about our parents that are so hard to acknowledge. We do hunger for our parents love and when we finally realize we've never had that and never will have it, it's profoundly sad and even a bit frightening, or so I found.
As always, just my thoughts of course but I wish you well in figuring this out with your T
It wasn't something I wanted to feel about her but looking back I think feeling sick being near her helped me to be able to step away from her. Prior to that I had been very enmeshed and afraid of pulling back. I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps the revulsion means you are seeing her as she is and that is so hard to do when it's your own M. And maybe the revulsion will help you shield yourself so she doesn't poison you and/or your life? It is one of those very difficult things in recovery--feeling those things about our parents that are so hard to acknowledge. We do hunger for our parents love and when we finally realize we've never had that and never will have it, it's profoundly sad and even a bit frightening, or so I found.
As always, just my thoughts of course but I wish you well in figuring this out with your T
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 26, 2026, 04:02:20 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on February 26, 2026, 03:05:12 PMi think a lot of us here didn't get the amount nor the type of compost we've needed to grow up strong and healthy.
Ain't that the truth! We just got manure. Which is all very well for plants but for little humans not so much.
#29
SOT - Sense of Threat / Visceral revulsion when around...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 26, 2026, 03:59:41 PMMy feeling of revulsion around family, M in particular, has been coming up a lot in therapy recently. So I thought I'd post here to see if anyone else has similar experience, or thoughts on it.
I do not want to be physically close to M. I avoid the perfunctory greeting peck on the cheek or hug as much as humanly possible without being outright rude.
My family often talk about things I object to. Their political views, thoughts on women etc are very unpleasant. But my T has pointed out that while their views are not exactly mainstream they are not total outliers either. Do I feel the same physical revulsion at anyone else expressing such things? Generally I don't unless it is someone who directly brings my family to mind due to being an obvious narcissist. But when FOO starts going on about such things I really boil up inside and want to get them far, far away from me.
I kind of liken it to a tarantula. I can objectively admire a tarantula and I can see that my FOO has some decent attributes. But that does not mean I want a tarantula wandering around in the same room as me!
We ran out of time in therapy today and undoubtedly I will discuss it more with T. My visceral reaction feels like a child reaction. I guess triggered by a feeling of danger. Interestingly, many years ago when FIL first met my M he pulled H aside and said "Be careful. That is a very dangerous woman."
I'm reading Mother Hunger at present. At one point the book invites the reader to remember a time they felt safe as a child and explore where they were and who was there. I have never, ever, not once, felt safe around my M. Does that mean she was dangerous or just that I did not feel safe? If she was dangerous, how was she dangerous? Clearly that's for me to ponder on and process.
But that revulsion? Where does it come from? I don't have children and I sometimes find myself actively thinking that it's a good job neither my sister nor myself has procreated. It's not a gene pool that needs perpetuating.
I do not want to be physically close to M. I avoid the perfunctory greeting peck on the cheek or hug as much as humanly possible without being outright rude.
My family often talk about things I object to. Their political views, thoughts on women etc are very unpleasant. But my T has pointed out that while their views are not exactly mainstream they are not total outliers either. Do I feel the same physical revulsion at anyone else expressing such things? Generally I don't unless it is someone who directly brings my family to mind due to being an obvious narcissist. But when FOO starts going on about such things I really boil up inside and want to get them far, far away from me.
I kind of liken it to a tarantula. I can objectively admire a tarantula and I can see that my FOO has some decent attributes. But that does not mean I want a tarantula wandering around in the same room as me!
We ran out of time in therapy today and undoubtedly I will discuss it more with T. My visceral reaction feels like a child reaction. I guess triggered by a feeling of danger. Interestingly, many years ago when FIL first met my M he pulled H aside and said "Be careful. That is a very dangerous woman."
I'm reading Mother Hunger at present. At one point the book invites the reader to remember a time they felt safe as a child and explore where they were and who was there. I have never, ever, not once, felt safe around my M. Does that mean she was dangerous or just that I did not feel safe? If she was dangerous, how was she dangerous? Clearly that's for me to ponder on and process.
But that revulsion? Where does it come from? I don't have children and I sometimes find myself actively thinking that it's a good job neither my sister nor myself has procreated. It's not a gene pool that needs perpetuating.
#30
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi everyone
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 26, 2026, 03:42:45 PMI'm glad you found us, and that you have had the courage to make your first post. I know how tough that is, so very well done.