Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 05, 2025, 01:34:29 PMDF, thank you for that. it brought a smile to my heart. i'm glad you're here, too. 
yeah, chart, thanks. it was a good night of rest and much appreciated.
i had a bad turn 2 nites ago - wrote about it in my other journal. thank god this forum is here - once again, it helped me not do something bad to myself. i wonder if all those good feelings about the beatles, that time in my life, kind of overwhelmed my brain, like too many endorphins or something, and my brain blew its tires out, left my mind flying on its own thru the air, nothing solid holding it together, but absolutely full to bursting. all i wanted to do was relieve the pressure. it was so awful. i haven't felt like doing something like that in a very long time - at least, not to that extent. it was terrifying.
feeling better today. thanks to one of the dearest people here, i was able to calm down, go to the porch and relax for a bit. i'm forever grateful to her.
yeah, chart, thanks. it was a good night of rest and much appreciated.
i had a bad turn 2 nites ago - wrote about it in my other journal. thank god this forum is here - once again, it helped me not do something bad to myself. i wonder if all those good feelings about the beatles, that time in my life, kind of overwhelmed my brain, like too many endorphins or something, and my brain blew its tires out, left my mind flying on its own thru the air, nothing solid holding it together, but absolutely full to bursting. all i wanted to do was relieve the pressure. it was so awful. i haven't felt like doing something like that in a very long time - at least, not to that extent. it was terrifying.
feeling better today. thanks to one of the dearest people here, i was able to calm down, go to the porch and relax for a bit. i'm forever grateful to her.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 05, 2025, 01:26:02 PM
good to see you! love and hugs #23
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 05, 2025, 10:41:05 AMAnd I think something happened yesterday. The alarm system hypervigilance usually appears as a red wide beam scanning, but it turned off and now it turned on and it's a white narrow beam scanning. Maybe due that I've been resting?
Medication my gp wrote has been okay. I'm not overly sensitive to it, so yay and it seems to be working.
Medication my gp wrote has been okay. I'm not overly sensitive to it, so yay and it seems to be working.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 05, 2025, 10:36:53 AMQuote from: Chart on December 05, 2025, 09:53:18 AMQuote from: Ran on December 04, 2025, 11:38:13 PMI'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.I think this feeling is common among Cptsd survivors. For me it is difficult to perceive reality one way and observe others around me who clearly are perceiving things very differently. That dissonance is very disturbing. Were it not for a few friends who support me I'd probably be in much worse straits. Friends help immensely, though I have far fewer now than my younger days.
I've been dissassociating since I was 5 years old and it went away a bit with huge identity crisis and now it comes back time to time. Sometimes it's like watching your life from far away, other times it's surreal surroundings and this time it was different, because the memories felt surreal. When I realized some trauma stuff I dissassociated after a long time again, then the surroundings felt surreal.
It is disturbing, but in ways what has helped me are distractions, grounding and knowing that yes this is dissassociation and sometimes I can bring myself out of it. I don't have people who'd help.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - December 05, 2025, 09:53:18 AMQuote from: Ran on December 04, 2025, 11:38:13 PMI'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.I think this feeling is common among Cptsd survivors. For me it is difficult to perceive reality one way and observe others around me who clearly are perceiving things very differently. That dissonance is very disturbing. Were it not for a few friends who support me I'd probably be in much worse straits. Friends help immensely, though I have far fewer now than my younger days.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 04, 2025, 11:38:13 PMI'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 04, 2025, 10:37:39 PMI thought about my childhood a lot and in ways I still feel like a child, but I wouldn't want to be treated as one. I think that if I wouldn't be pushed into a caregiver role, then I'd be children's art teacher. Though I wanted to become marine biologist, so if I'd have learned swimming, then I'd problably could have gone to that route.
#28
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today - ...
Last post by Blueberry - December 04, 2025, 05:21:07 PM1) I'm selling some stuff on the Internet classifieds and got 2 inquiries today from people who are definitely interested and even tho they haven't collected yet, just them contacting me brings a spark of joy and energy into my life
2) I felt the motivation to do some vacuuming, which was long overdue. I went outside my apartment door to vacuum there too and found:
3) a parcel from my godson. It's an Advent calendar consisting of little presents for each day until the 24th. Of course he and possibly his mum chose them specially for me. That's a really nice personal set of gifts for Advent. A reason to get out of bed each morning too to go and find out what the next little pressie is
2) I felt the motivation to do some vacuuming, which was long overdue. I went outside my apartment door to vacuum there too and found:
3) a parcel from my godson. It's an Advent calendar consisting of little presents for each day until the 24th. Of course he and possibly his mum chose them specially for me. That's a really nice personal set of gifts for Advent. A reason to get out of bed each morning too to go and find out what the next little pressie is
#29
General Discussion / Re: progress notes nov 25
Last post by Kizzie - December 04, 2025, 04:22:03 PMI'm blown away by your insights James and I truly hope others will benefit from what you've shared about your journey to understanding and compassion for yourself. We need to hear stories like yours - bravo to you!
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 04, 2025, 01:05:30 PMI often feel like a child, but dislike being treated as one. I feel many issues come due to not developing properly in my childhood.
As a child your emotional regulation is underdeveloped if no one helps you with it or teaches you. And to a child what family says tends to be the law and if you're hypervigilant, then you will do everything you can to protect that space, even if it's toxic, because you don't know other ways and if that family turns against you it's like everything shatters beneath your footing, because to you it was a safe space, but now you had none of it. And it's a monumental loss. The child becomes a crieving child. Finding that balance in it all is so hard, especially at times, when unable to control your emotions.
At first everything feels foggy, but after you get clarity and this happens with many things constantly. It's like each time you will be reborn.
As a child your emotional regulation is underdeveloped if no one helps you with it or teaches you. And to a child what family says tends to be the law and if you're hypervigilant, then you will do everything you can to protect that space, even if it's toxic, because you don't know other ways and if that family turns against you it's like everything shatters beneath your footing, because to you it was a safe space, but now you had none of it. And it's a monumental loss. The child becomes a crieving child. Finding that balance in it all is so hard, especially at times, when unable to control your emotions.
At first everything feels foggy, but after you get clarity and this happens with many things constantly. It's like each time you will be reborn.