Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 06, 2026, 01:31:48 PMwell, i agree w/ you, blueberry, about the debilitating part. however, even as you mention 'well, you did this and that so you *should* be able to do that and this, i know there's really no connection there. just cuz we manage one thing doesn't mean we have the will, energy, or mindspace to do something different. just before coming here i did my door stretches, and as i'm writing, i'm wiggling my feet. lol! doesn't mean i'll go out and walk today. that wish is flying away from me right now. we'll see about later.
good luck getting to your cancer screening eventually. i don't know how important you think it is, or if it's of any interest to you, but i do know even those reasons aren't always enough to motivate us to go do it. a lot of times those things feel like work to me, and i'm just not up for it. you've got my support whatever you decide. love and hugs
good luck getting to your cancer screening eventually. i don't know how important you think it is, or if it's of any interest to you, but i do know even those reasons aren't always enough to motivate us to go do it. a lot of times those things feel like work to me, and i'm just not up for it. you've got my support whatever you decide. love and hugs
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - March 06, 2026, 01:00:14 PMI don't know how much of this needs to get the "spoiler" treatment. So out of an abundance of caution I will block all of it. Trigger warning.
I almost got into an altercation with a homeless guy yesterday.
I was so filled with anger and rage.
I was leaving a convenience store with a pack of Newports and this guy spotted me carrying it, made an obvious move to block my path, make himself appear as an obvious threat, and "ask" (really a thinly veiled demand) for a cigarette.
Something in me popped. Normally I would defuse the situation but not yesterday.
I issued a polite but resolute "no, Sir". Squared up with him just in case he wanted to find out how far I was willing to take it. I had perfect clarity in the moment. I was aware of the razor- sharp knife I carried clipped in my back pocket which I regularly disassemble, clean, reassemble, and sharpen to a mirror finish as a self- soothing exercise. The feel of its exact location in my pocket, the mechanical "snick" of opening it and locking it in place, and the exact location of his jugular. "Columbia River Knife & Tool. Carson Design". AKA my "Cricket".
I was ready. Stared him down, silently daring him to escalate. Until he stood aside, gazing sullenly at me like *I'm* the problem instead of him.
It wasn't his fault, but it wasn't exactly not his fault either. He had instigated the confrontation, not me. I was just some old dude with a pack of smokes who wanted to be left alone. This isn't my normal behavior. I'm not "confrontational", I'm avoidant". He was the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time and I was in the wrong mood. I *wanted* him to escalate. I was ready for it. I was looking forward to it. Not fearful, but *furious*. I wanted him to give me a reason to take it out on him.
He never did anything but try to intimidate me. He's not who I wanted to dismantle, but he was available. He had shopped for an * whuppin' and had found a bulk rate bargain. The person who deserved my wrath was inaccessible. Dead. Beyond retribution. But he would do in the meantime.
I am not that guy, but I was yesterday. I understand in that moment how my brother felt his entire life. The rage, the "behavioral issues", the violence. The ultimate crashout. He did not dissociate as I had. He remembered all of it and he was *pissed*. I was reminded of it half a century later and now *I* remember and I'm pissed too.
My brother spent his life trying to find peace and tranquility and found occasional refuge in flying kites; a hobby he taught me and I share with my son. For me it's "roller disco". A throwback to when I was a carefree and unfettered kid gliding around a rink to cheezy disco and funk in 1979.
I know it's just an emotional phase in a process, but for that one brief moment I was not "me". I was "Derek". I don't want to be "Derek". It's jarring and upsetting.
I almost got into an altercation with a homeless guy yesterday.
I was so filled with anger and rage.
I was leaving a convenience store with a pack of Newports and this guy spotted me carrying it, made an obvious move to block my path, make himself appear as an obvious threat, and "ask" (really a thinly veiled demand) for a cigarette.
Something in me popped. Normally I would defuse the situation but not yesterday.
I issued a polite but resolute "no, Sir". Squared up with him just in case he wanted to find out how far I was willing to take it. I had perfect clarity in the moment. I was aware of the razor- sharp knife I carried clipped in my back pocket which I regularly disassemble, clean, reassemble, and sharpen to a mirror finish as a self- soothing exercise. The feel of its exact location in my pocket, the mechanical "snick" of opening it and locking it in place, and the exact location of his jugular. "Columbia River Knife & Tool. Carson Design". AKA my "Cricket".
I was ready. Stared him down, silently daring him to escalate. Until he stood aside, gazing sullenly at me like *I'm* the problem instead of him.
It wasn't his fault, but it wasn't exactly not his fault either. He had instigated the confrontation, not me. I was just some old dude with a pack of smokes who wanted to be left alone. This isn't my normal behavior. I'm not "confrontational", I'm avoidant". He was the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time and I was in the wrong mood. I *wanted* him to escalate. I was ready for it. I was looking forward to it. Not fearful, but *furious*. I wanted him to give me a reason to take it out on him.
He never did anything but try to intimidate me. He's not who I wanted to dismantle, but he was available. He had shopped for an * whuppin' and had found a bulk rate bargain. The person who deserved my wrath was inaccessible. Dead. Beyond retribution. But he would do in the meantime.
I am not that guy, but I was yesterday. I understand in that moment how my brother felt his entire life. The rage, the "behavioral issues", the violence. The ultimate crashout. He did not dissociate as I had. He remembered all of it and he was *pissed*. I was reminded of it half a century later and now *I* remember and I'm pissed too.
My brother spent his life trying to find peace and tranquility and found occasional refuge in flying kites; a hobby he taught me and I share with my son. For me it's "roller disco". A throwback to when I was a carefree and unfettered kid gliding around a rink to cheezy disco and funk in 1979.
I know it's just an emotional phase in a process, but for that one brief moment I was not "me". I was "Derek". I don't want to be "Derek". It's jarring and upsetting.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Hope67 - March 06, 2026, 12:03:20 PMHi Papa Coco,
I am really happy that you are finding so many helpful resources at the moment, and also that you are sharing your experiences, as it is very motivating and I agree with NarcKiddo that the latest updates are lovely to read.
I am really happy that you are finding so many helpful resources at the moment, and also that you are sharing your experiences, as it is very motivating and I agree with NarcKiddo that the latest updates are lovely to read.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - March 06, 2026, 10:12:39 AMI like it when you're a happy puppy, Papa C. I've seen you being one and your joy is infectious.
I'm interested, and glad, to read the AI tool interpreting your suicidal thoughts as a desire to escape from overwhelm. I've read criticism of AI for encouraging suicidal behaviour so it is good to read that your personal experience of its commentary is very different. It also sounds like a really workable aspect to consider.
These latest updates are lovely to read.
I'm interested, and glad, to read the AI tool interpreting your suicidal thoughts as a desire to escape from overwhelm. I've read criticism of AI for encouraging suicidal behaviour so it is good to read that your personal experience of its commentary is very different. It also sounds like a really workable aspect to consider.
These latest updates are lovely to read.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - March 06, 2026, 10:11:26 AMIt's ok san don't worry. I'm moving my feet all the time these last days while curled up in bed, so it's nice if I'm inspiring you to similar! But unfortunately even 'must' or 'have to' are not managing to propel me out of the house this morning for my cancer screening.
This sort of reminds me that cptsd is actually an illness or at least pretty debilitating and statements towards myself like "you did your duolingo this morning and yesterday so obviously you can get on the bus and go to the cancer screening today" don't always pan out even though they 'should'. Should simply does not work for me anymore. Full stop.
Moving back to my Member Journal for a bit.
This sort of reminds me that cptsd is actually an illness or at least pretty debilitating and statements towards myself like "you did your duolingo this morning and yesterday so obviously you can get on the bus and go to the cancer screening today" don't always pan out even though they 'should'. Should simply does not work for me anymore. Full stop.
Moving back to my Member Journal for a bit.
#27
General Discussion / Re: Triggering event: our cat'...
Last post by Teddy bear - March 06, 2026, 09:57:20 AMAn update:
Seems the cat feels better, and it's such a relief, though still some injections and tests to be done.
It lessens tension with parents for now.
Hopefully the cat will be completely fine soon
Seems the cat feels better, and it's such a relief, though still some injections and tests to be done.
It lessens tension with parents for now.
Hopefully the cat will be completely fine soon
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - March 06, 2026, 04:25:15 AM I thought it would be impossible to find the motel we were holed up in from January 24th through 27th, 1974. But I found it!
https://www.thirdstopontheright.com/penn-irwin-motel/
It turns out that there were so many unique and distinct details I could recall that they converged (once again) to only one possible place. The honeymoon suite in the Penn-Irwin Motel. US-30 in Irwin, PA.
Looking at the photos is jarring. Exactly as I remember when I was 2, down to the concrete stoop at the entrance and the salmon pink heart shaped jacuzzi. That's why the carpet in the living room was crimson red shag. It was the honeymoon suite.
I've actually tracked down everywhere I've been during that 15 month blackout, including somewhere I didn't have any immediate recollection of.
I took a random stab at an address in my record and checked it out. 1211 Wood St, Wilkinsburg, PA.
Nuthin'. Didn't recognize the house at all. But once I panned around, I was stunned. I was in this *exact spot*! I quickly realized that it wasn't the house that was my vantage point, it was the church!
The daycare I lived in for a month was in the basement of that very church. Bathroom and crib upstairs. Looking at the church, all of the memories came flooding back to me. A month of memories I had lost.
When the Wilkinsburg police sent someone to take us to McIntyre Shelter that first time the experience was the opposite of what happened in Northview Heights. They sent a single unmarked sedan with a man in a suit. We all went together. It was very calm and friendly.
Northview Heights was traumatic. A sedan and 2 paddywagons. We 3 were ripped apart at the scene and I made the trip in the back of a paddywagon, terrified and screaming.
https://www.thirdstopontheright.com/penn-irwin-motel/
It turns out that there were so many unique and distinct details I could recall that they converged (once again) to only one possible place. The honeymoon suite in the Penn-Irwin Motel. US-30 in Irwin, PA.
Looking at the photos is jarring. Exactly as I remember when I was 2, down to the concrete stoop at the entrance and the salmon pink heart shaped jacuzzi. That's why the carpet in the living room was crimson red shag. It was the honeymoon suite.
I've actually tracked down everywhere I've been during that 15 month blackout, including somewhere I didn't have any immediate recollection of.
I took a random stab at an address in my record and checked it out. 1211 Wood St, Wilkinsburg, PA.
Nuthin'. Didn't recognize the house at all. But once I panned around, I was stunned. I was in this *exact spot*! I quickly realized that it wasn't the house that was my vantage point, it was the church!
The daycare I lived in for a month was in the basement of that very church. Bathroom and crib upstairs. Looking at the church, all of the memories came flooding back to me. A month of memories I had lost.
When the Wilkinsburg police sent someone to take us to McIntyre Shelter that first time the experience was the opposite of what happened in Northview Heights. They sent a single unmarked sedan with a man in a suit. We all went together. It was very calm and friendly.
Northview Heights was traumatic. A sedan and 2 paddywagons. We 3 were ripped apart at the scene and I made the trip in the back of a paddywagon, terrified and screaming.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - March 06, 2026, 04:16:16 AMI parented in such an intense way. Because I had to, for myself, I wanted it to be me and to give All of Me to the task. Because my partner could not. And because one of my kids had a lot of extra needs. In the last five years, I gave up everything to care for that child, 24-7 for months, and then on end for years through crises. I had to do a yearslong legal battle to get what was needed for schools. And my partner had a crisis during the pandemic as well. The pandemic itself was a crisis for our family with deaths and unemployment. The last five years were *.
I don't regret what I did, but I do regret some of the losses. Like lost time with friends, not going to see them the last five years. That all the stress ended me in bed so depressed and chronically exhausted, the toll that being so flattened took on my health, not exercising, not eating well, not seeing doctors. I have a lot of cleanup work to do on my health. I have two specialists left to see and hoping I can repair some of the damage. Thank goodness I got my screenings when I did.
Progress report from February 20 goals:
Hire the PT to do personal training once PT runs out. DONE. I joined the gym, it's only 50$ per month! When I finish PT he will work with me till surgery, and then help post surgery. I'm so thrilled with my progress. Exercise is changing how I feel in my body. How I walk. How I move. How I sleep. How I eat. I do PT twice a week and twice a week I go and workout on my own. It's a kind of community, too.
Go to new art studio and see what happens. Studio located, haven't attended yet.
Continue "Swedish death cleaning" to take charge of my space and so that we can relocate once kid graduates. IN PROGRESS
Find a mentor to continue painting training. I reached out to someone online. Unsure if I actually want to keep painting. It was a social activity, not sure I like doing it by myself.
Find a context in person to be with other people at least weekly. DONE. I will be reading poetry at an open mic coming up, and joined a hiking group to try. I was curious that I'm no longer interested in spirituality. I used to attend every yoga, meditation, or New Age class I could. For now, I seem to be done with that quest. I like this change for me. I feel more rooted, more free, more grounded and focused. I'm no longer seeking, in that sense, and that feels good after a fifty year quest. What interested me was nature, books, animals, and art. I also applied to go to a camp this summer for breast cancer folks.
Find a volunteer opportunity in person. DONE I am volunteering at an animal rescue farm. This is a new farm, not the one where Frank was found. I'm really excited about it. they want to also start programs for special needs kids to come to the farm and that's right up my alley. We'll see what comes of it.
Figure out what to do with my small business and find a new career goal if I want to close it. Partly done: Redid the budget and I've decided to stop taking new clients for now. I have to focus on my health for the next foreseeable months. The work was making my stomach hurt, I'm just not happy in it. Being so detail oriented was requiring me to hyper focus for hours on end for days. I no longer want to operate on that kind of adrenaline and cortisol.
I am working my way through the medical appointments. The pathologist review does not agree on my exact situation, apparently there's a fine line, but surgery will resolve it either way. And further scans and tests show two new problems, both of which rule out the medication route for treatment, which confirms surgery is the plan. Clarity is helpful. The new problems can improve with exercise, perfect. And diet, which is a new goal. I eat very well but I would like to spend a little more energy making meals and have more regular meals. I tend to eat randomly throughout the day and I need more of a schedule. I don't like to eat at a table, I do it with the kids but it's hard. I would like to overcome this trauma trigger and am thinking about creative ways to make eating at a table, and eating regularly, more pleasant.
Additional new goal: travel to see all my far-flung friends this year. I am going to see one special friend in June depending on surgery schedule, and I have at least one and maybe two other friends I need to make travel plans to see. Before 2020 I traveled to them yearly. It's been five years, and I deeply regret that gap. I couldn't leave my kid at the time. But I need to go see them now.
Final new goal for now: Consider the possibility that self-hatred is no longer needed. "To love someone else is easy, but to love what you are, the thing that is yourself, is just as if you were embracing a glowing red-hot iron; it burns into you and that is very painful. Therefore, to love somebody else in the first place is always an escape which we all hope for, and we all enjoy it while we are capable of it. But in the long run, it comes back on us. You cannot stay away from yourself forever, you have to return, have to come to that experiment to know whether you really can love. That is the question---whether you can love yourself, and that will be the test." Carl Jung. The idea that loving others can be a kind of escape rings true. And yet, I cannot stay away from myself. I am returning. I have to experiment to know if I can really love---which means loving myself. What does that look like, through illness, through recovery. What does it look like not to despise my life, my experience? What does it look like not to experience my life as a punishment? I would like to find out.
I don't regret what I did, but I do regret some of the losses. Like lost time with friends, not going to see them the last five years. That all the stress ended me in bed so depressed and chronically exhausted, the toll that being so flattened took on my health, not exercising, not eating well, not seeing doctors. I have a lot of cleanup work to do on my health. I have two specialists left to see and hoping I can repair some of the damage. Thank goodness I got my screenings when I did.
Progress report from February 20 goals:
Hire the PT to do personal training once PT runs out. DONE. I joined the gym, it's only 50$ per month! When I finish PT he will work with me till surgery, and then help post surgery. I'm so thrilled with my progress. Exercise is changing how I feel in my body. How I walk. How I move. How I sleep. How I eat. I do PT twice a week and twice a week I go and workout on my own. It's a kind of community, too.
Go to new art studio and see what happens. Studio located, haven't attended yet.
Continue "Swedish death cleaning" to take charge of my space and so that we can relocate once kid graduates. IN PROGRESS
Find a mentor to continue painting training. I reached out to someone online. Unsure if I actually want to keep painting. It was a social activity, not sure I like doing it by myself.
Find a context in person to be with other people at least weekly. DONE. I will be reading poetry at an open mic coming up, and joined a hiking group to try. I was curious that I'm no longer interested in spirituality. I used to attend every yoga, meditation, or New Age class I could. For now, I seem to be done with that quest. I like this change for me. I feel more rooted, more free, more grounded and focused. I'm no longer seeking, in that sense, and that feels good after a fifty year quest. What interested me was nature, books, animals, and art. I also applied to go to a camp this summer for breast cancer folks.
Find a volunteer opportunity in person. DONE I am volunteering at an animal rescue farm. This is a new farm, not the one where Frank was found. I'm really excited about it. they want to also start programs for special needs kids to come to the farm and that's right up my alley. We'll see what comes of it.
Figure out what to do with my small business and find a new career goal if I want to close it. Partly done: Redid the budget and I've decided to stop taking new clients for now. I have to focus on my health for the next foreseeable months. The work was making my stomach hurt, I'm just not happy in it. Being so detail oriented was requiring me to hyper focus for hours on end for days. I no longer want to operate on that kind of adrenaline and cortisol.
I am working my way through the medical appointments. The pathologist review does not agree on my exact situation, apparently there's a fine line, but surgery will resolve it either way. And further scans and tests show two new problems, both of which rule out the medication route for treatment, which confirms surgery is the plan. Clarity is helpful. The new problems can improve with exercise, perfect. And diet, which is a new goal. I eat very well but I would like to spend a little more energy making meals and have more regular meals. I tend to eat randomly throughout the day and I need more of a schedule. I don't like to eat at a table, I do it with the kids but it's hard. I would like to overcome this trauma trigger and am thinking about creative ways to make eating at a table, and eating regularly, more pleasant.
Additional new goal: travel to see all my far-flung friends this year. I am going to see one special friend in June depending on surgery schedule, and I have at least one and maybe two other friends I need to make travel plans to see. Before 2020 I traveled to them yearly. It's been five years, and I deeply regret that gap. I couldn't leave my kid at the time. But I need to go see them now.
Final new goal for now: Consider the possibility that self-hatred is no longer needed. "To love someone else is easy, but to love what you are, the thing that is yourself, is just as if you were embracing a glowing red-hot iron; it burns into you and that is very painful. Therefore, to love somebody else in the first place is always an escape which we all hope for, and we all enjoy it while we are capable of it. But in the long run, it comes back on us. You cannot stay away from yourself forever, you have to return, have to come to that experiment to know whether you really can love. That is the question---whether you can love yourself, and that will be the test." Carl Jung. The idea that loving others can be a kind of escape rings true. And yet, I cannot stay away from myself. I am returning. I have to experiment to know if I can really love---which means loving myself. What does that look like, through illness, through recovery. What does it look like not to despise my life, my experience? What does it look like not to experience my life as a punishment? I would like to find out.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 06, 2026, 04:12:32 AMsorry, blueberry, i misunderstood. it sounds much more intense and difficult than what i was thinking, and i didn't mean in any way to diminish what you were saying or needing to do.
best to you, tho, with getting everything you need unblocked. i don't like the thought that this conversation is bringing up FOO dynamics. that's not good for you, for certain. I do understand the personal need at times to go against someone else's wishes in order to bring order to your own house. i support you all the way. love and hugs
best to you, tho, with getting everything you need unblocked. i don't like the thought that this conversation is bringing up FOO dynamics. that's not good for you, for certain. I do understand the personal need at times to go against someone else's wishes in order to bring order to your own house. i support you all the way. love and hugs