Recent posts
#21
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi, I'm mo and I'm new...
Last post by Blueberry - January 04, 2026, 10:28:56 AMWelcome to the forum 
I'm sorry for all you've been through, in your early childhood and then in the past couple of years too and everything in between. It's a lot.
I'm sorry for all you've been through, in your early childhood and then in the past couple of years too and everything in between. It's a lot.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Chart - January 04, 2026, 10:20:46 AMHere it is:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15819.0
I'm gonna try and reread it out of curiosity... but my daughter's making a cake right this instant... :-)
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15819.0
I'm gonna try and reread it out of curiosity... but my daughter's making a cake right this instant... :-)
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Chart - January 04, 2026, 10:15:09 AMHey HannahOne, your description of evenings in bed make me think of my mornings. There's a thread on the forum, Mornings and Fear, will try to find it. A constant trigger for me is the waking moments of the day. I know now it has to do with being horizontal and the bulk of the trauma I experienced as a baby. This connection has been "in my face" my entire life, but when I finally put everything together with Cptsd, I suddenly had the understanding that has changed all sorts of things around my morning fears. Funny, what you described sounds so similar to my morning experience. I'll try to find that thread and post it below. Thankyou for sharing all that, it does really help.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Marcine - January 04, 2026, 05:44:03 AMHi fellow human being, from me in my den on this rainy, blustery winter night to you, in your den. May we be safe and warm and dry, resting well.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 04, 2026, 04:11:59 AMI had a good day, hanging out with fellow OOTS'ers here, getting some housework and cooking done, taking kids to appointments. For the last few years I spent too much time lying down in bed in a freeze, if the kids weren't home I was flattened on the comforter. In the last six months I've been putting all my strength into getting up, dressed, and out of the house, and staying out of bed until night.
Still once I get in bed at night, anxiety descends. It's physiological. I don't feel upset emotionally, but physically the anxiety is intense. I am itchy, I can't be still, I'm too hot, my teeth are clenched, my muscles tense. Inside I have way too much energy and my stomach is in a knot. It hurts. I writhe around and sigh.
Nothing seems to help. I can't focus to read, TV is inane, the internet is dark. Suddenly I regret every choice I ever made and the future seems doomed. I feel certain that my life will reveal the horrible truth about me, that I'm cursed, that I shouldn't have been born, that my FOO was broken and I'm the evidence of that brokenness. That someone with a childhood like mine can never be happy or successful. That my life will end in tragedy and reveal that I am incurably flawed. Of course, all life ends in the tragedy of death, or old age and death if we're lucky, so this metric makes no sense. If my life doesn't end with me eternally young, fabulously rich, saintly generous and contributing lasting gifts to human culture, then I'm fatally flawed and everyone will know I am the crime of being an abused neglected child? Ok, HannahOne. LOL.
I'm physically uncomfortable and want to crawl out of my skin. I feel like I'm suffocating, which is just panic. I feel like there is not enough air, but of course air is all around me. Sometimes I go outside at times like these, even in the freezing winter. My dog used to trot after me. Now she's older and pokes her head out from under the covers, and just waits for me to come back. The cold air is one thing that almost always helps. The night sky. The moon. The tree branches click-clacking in the wind. The neon eyes that trot across the yard, probably a fox. He's living out his fox life, looking for food, staying warm, resting, traveling, deciding in the moment when to change his state. If he gets tense, he shakes from nose to tail. If he feels anxious, he rearranges his shoulder blades and sighs. If he has stomach pain, he curls around the pain and waits. If he feels like screaming, he yowls into the dark.
I'm trying to live more in the moment, more naturally, more instinctively. The places I feel the best the last few months are walking in small towns, hiking, and the forum. The more time I spend in these places, the more in the moment I seem to be. I was only reading without posting on the forum until a few days ago. It was incredibly helpful to read that others also experience these kinds of struggles. So thank you to all, even though I didn't respond, I was reading.
It's important to remember, especially in painful moments, that this is part of the human experience. I'm a human. So I'm having human experience, suffering is part of the human experience. The fact that I'm suffering right now doesn't mean I've done anything wrong or that I need to do anything to change my experience. I can just wait for it to pass, without effort and stress. Or I can travel, move. Or I can look for food, nourishment. Or I can curl up with my tail over my nose and wait for it to pass. I blink my eyes in the dark, rearrange my shoulder blades, and twitch my ears to listen to the tree branches click clacking in the wind.
Still once I get in bed at night, anxiety descends. It's physiological. I don't feel upset emotionally, but physically the anxiety is intense. I am itchy, I can't be still, I'm too hot, my teeth are clenched, my muscles tense. Inside I have way too much energy and my stomach is in a knot. It hurts. I writhe around and sigh.
Nothing seems to help. I can't focus to read, TV is inane, the internet is dark. Suddenly I regret every choice I ever made and the future seems doomed. I feel certain that my life will reveal the horrible truth about me, that I'm cursed, that I shouldn't have been born, that my FOO was broken and I'm the evidence of that brokenness. That someone with a childhood like mine can never be happy or successful. That my life will end in tragedy and reveal that I am incurably flawed. Of course, all life ends in the tragedy of death, or old age and death if we're lucky, so this metric makes no sense. If my life doesn't end with me eternally young, fabulously rich, saintly generous and contributing lasting gifts to human culture, then I'm fatally flawed and everyone will know I am the crime of being an abused neglected child? Ok, HannahOne. LOL.
I'm physically uncomfortable and want to crawl out of my skin. I feel like I'm suffocating, which is just panic. I feel like there is not enough air, but of course air is all around me. Sometimes I go outside at times like these, even in the freezing winter. My dog used to trot after me. Now she's older and pokes her head out from under the covers, and just waits for me to come back. The cold air is one thing that almost always helps. The night sky. The moon. The tree branches click-clacking in the wind. The neon eyes that trot across the yard, probably a fox. He's living out his fox life, looking for food, staying warm, resting, traveling, deciding in the moment when to change his state. If he gets tense, he shakes from nose to tail. If he feels anxious, he rearranges his shoulder blades and sighs. If he has stomach pain, he curls around the pain and waits. If he feels like screaming, he yowls into the dark.
I'm trying to live more in the moment, more naturally, more instinctively. The places I feel the best the last few months are walking in small towns, hiking, and the forum. The more time I spend in these places, the more in the moment I seem to be. I was only reading without posting on the forum until a few days ago. It was incredibly helpful to read that others also experience these kinds of struggles. So thank you to all, even though I didn't respond, I was reading.
It's important to remember, especially in painful moments, that this is part of the human experience. I'm a human. So I'm having human experience, suffering is part of the human experience. The fact that I'm suffering right now doesn't mean I've done anything wrong or that I need to do anything to change my experience. I can just wait for it to pass, without effort and stress. Or I can travel, move. Or I can look for food, nourishment. Or I can curl up with my tail over my nose and wait for it to pass. I blink my eyes in the dark, rearrange my shoulder blades, and twitch my ears to listen to the tree branches click clacking in the wind.
#26
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hi, I'm mo and I'm new...
Last post by highimpedance - January 04, 2026, 12:25:51 AMHi, I joined OOTS because I could really use some peer support; It wasn't on my 2026 bingo card that my emotional regulation would get worse, but after everything I've been through, as the hyper vigilance is dissipating, it is starting to make sense the more I learn, which is also why I am here. I don't want to trigger anyone, so I'll just say there was alot of trauma that compounded before I was 10. My father is an emotionally abusive stage parent; piano 4 hours a day from the age of 4, conducting orchestras by the time I was 7. My mom was a saint who helped me cultivate my gift as an HSP rather than exploit it, but she also survived abuse as a child so she was a workaholic, and in our house there was no love between them and no excuse for not picking yourself up again quickly. It was a survival mode dichotomy.
I had my first panic attack during my Julliard tryout when I was 8, my uncle saw I was suffering and stepped in and built me my first synth, and made me two mixtapes for my 9th birthday to go with my first walkman. We got close until he took his own life when I was 10. Another uncle tried to step in with his harsh repetoire of substance abuse, and grooming me to be a workaholic as well. By 13 I was chasing that feeling in those mixtapes with 150+ gigs a year as a touring dj, and I did that until I hit the pandemic with yet another habit, and not knowing what I wanted to do that didn't involve a crowd. There obviously was so much that happened in those 32 yrs compounding my conditions, but I can't take any more trauma dumping just to stop falling through the cracks of the mental health system, and I don't want to start that way here. Trauma did continue through my teens and adulthood, in different forms.
The important part is the last two years leading up to now. The panic attacks again escalated, I was in a relationship that had turned toxic before we moved in together, my mom and my dog had passed 3 months apart, I was spiraling just trying hold on to everything at once, not making great decisions and isolating. I was hospitalized in April for the panic disorder, came out ready to conquer the world, but I came home to my car repossessed and an eviction notice on the door. Social anxiety quickly became agoraphobia, and in July, I left everything material behind except for a few of my important pieces of studio gear, because I found a nonprofit that would foster my ESA Gia while I was in treatment. I figured if I had her and my music, I could start over anywhere as long as I worked to get better and find a simpler lifestyle.
I did inpatient, and php she was supposed to join me but they changed their mind devastatingly last minute because people were abusing the ESA rule. I stuck with it, journaling every day, therapy, mediation and meetings. I went to a recovery house that I interviewed with and called back saying that Gia joining me there was perfectly ok once I got settled. I did everything I was supposed to and more for 3 months, I was working for the owner of the house but was supposed to start a job away from him the following week when in short, he changed his mind about Gia before she even got there and dumped us at a motel on Thanksgiving eve with no warning and no money, leaving us homeless on Thanksgiving for the first time in my life. We spent the next week sleeping where ever we could, in an area I didn't know, until a friend who is a social worker, picked us up, dropped me at the hospital and is currently still watching Gia while I build a safe and stable life for us. I am truly grateful. He had done this to others, and I see how I missed the red flags now; I was just trying to get back to my girl against the clock.
I am living in another recovery house, in a much nicer area, starting a new job on Monday, but I am really questioning whether this is a healthy living situation, yet my muscle memory says to suck it up. The guys in the house are passive aggressive at best, downright rude borderline hostile, setting boundaries you will cross just for a reason to pick a fight. My case is so layered I kept on falling through the cracks, so I've learned to advocate for myself, but still this is all new to me. My first therapist/psychiatrist in my 20s was abusive, had his license yanked, so my primary was the only doctor I trusted for years, but now I am back in therapy finally. I've put down roots and have appointments with all the local specialists I need, plus nonprofits and some leads for organizations that can help me with mental health, and find safe and stable housing. I have shift work sleep disorder from the years on the road which can mimic alot of the misdiagnoses, and spent 9k+ gigs crowd reading crowds to the point of, what my therapist calls, expertise driven neuroplasticity. I love playing for crowds, but from piano prodigy to rockstar they weren't really a great fit with my sensitivities though I made it work for years; I really enjoy the humble, slightly normal life, I just want to be back with Gia and keep working on this album. I understand the money flows toward addiction but I am actively trying to find a living situation that is better for my mental health that will also allow an emotional support dog.
I was diagnosed with PTSD over the summer, though the night terrors alone had started a long time ago, and over the past few months with therapy it became apparent to her that I have CPTSD. I've had alot of incorrect diagnoses over the years, but I definitively suffer from Panic disorder and OCD as well, and with prolonged stress my executive function just quits. I'm learning all I can, trying to practice only healthy coping skills, and actively trying to find housing that isn't so brutal on my senses with Gia. She really grounds me and is also a neurodivergent little HSP. I've enjoyed reading your posts so far, and have read the rules, I apologize for the length of my introduction. I'm just hoping to feel a little less alone, and learn from what worked for others in their journey to heal. Yesterday was six months since I left my old life behind, and I'm really happy I found this forum.
I had my first panic attack during my Julliard tryout when I was 8, my uncle saw I was suffering and stepped in and built me my first synth, and made me two mixtapes for my 9th birthday to go with my first walkman. We got close until he took his own life when I was 10. Another uncle tried to step in with his harsh repetoire of substance abuse, and grooming me to be a workaholic as well. By 13 I was chasing that feeling in those mixtapes with 150+ gigs a year as a touring dj, and I did that until I hit the pandemic with yet another habit, and not knowing what I wanted to do that didn't involve a crowd. There obviously was so much that happened in those 32 yrs compounding my conditions, but I can't take any more trauma dumping just to stop falling through the cracks of the mental health system, and I don't want to start that way here. Trauma did continue through my teens and adulthood, in different forms.
The important part is the last two years leading up to now. The panic attacks again escalated, I was in a relationship that had turned toxic before we moved in together, my mom and my dog had passed 3 months apart, I was spiraling just trying hold on to everything at once, not making great decisions and isolating. I was hospitalized in April for the panic disorder, came out ready to conquer the world, but I came home to my car repossessed and an eviction notice on the door. Social anxiety quickly became agoraphobia, and in July, I left everything material behind except for a few of my important pieces of studio gear, because I found a nonprofit that would foster my ESA Gia while I was in treatment. I figured if I had her and my music, I could start over anywhere as long as I worked to get better and find a simpler lifestyle.
I did inpatient, and php she was supposed to join me but they changed their mind devastatingly last minute because people were abusing the ESA rule. I stuck with it, journaling every day, therapy, mediation and meetings. I went to a recovery house that I interviewed with and called back saying that Gia joining me there was perfectly ok once I got settled. I did everything I was supposed to and more for 3 months, I was working for the owner of the house but was supposed to start a job away from him the following week when in short, he changed his mind about Gia before she even got there and dumped us at a motel on Thanksgiving eve with no warning and no money, leaving us homeless on Thanksgiving for the first time in my life. We spent the next week sleeping where ever we could, in an area I didn't know, until a friend who is a social worker, picked us up, dropped me at the hospital and is currently still watching Gia while I build a safe and stable life for us. I am truly grateful. He had done this to others, and I see how I missed the red flags now; I was just trying to get back to my girl against the clock.
I am living in another recovery house, in a much nicer area, starting a new job on Monday, but I am really questioning whether this is a healthy living situation, yet my muscle memory says to suck it up. The guys in the house are passive aggressive at best, downright rude borderline hostile, setting boundaries you will cross just for a reason to pick a fight. My case is so layered I kept on falling through the cracks, so I've learned to advocate for myself, but still this is all new to me. My first therapist/psychiatrist in my 20s was abusive, had his license yanked, so my primary was the only doctor I trusted for years, but now I am back in therapy finally. I've put down roots and have appointments with all the local specialists I need, plus nonprofits and some leads for organizations that can help me with mental health, and find safe and stable housing. I have shift work sleep disorder from the years on the road which can mimic alot of the misdiagnoses, and spent 9k+ gigs crowd reading crowds to the point of, what my therapist calls, expertise driven neuroplasticity. I love playing for crowds, but from piano prodigy to rockstar they weren't really a great fit with my sensitivities though I made it work for years; I really enjoy the humble, slightly normal life, I just want to be back with Gia and keep working on this album. I understand the money flows toward addiction but I am actively trying to find a living situation that is better for my mental health that will also allow an emotional support dog.
I was diagnosed with PTSD over the summer, though the night terrors alone had started a long time ago, and over the past few months with therapy it became apparent to her that I have CPTSD. I've had alot of incorrect diagnoses over the years, but I definitively suffer from Panic disorder and OCD as well, and with prolonged stress my executive function just quits. I'm learning all I can, trying to practice only healthy coping skills, and actively trying to find housing that isn't so brutal on my senses with Gia. She really grounds me and is also a neurodivergent little HSP. I've enjoyed reading your posts so far, and have read the rules, I apologize for the length of my introduction. I'm just hoping to feel a little less alone, and learn from what worked for others in their journey to heal. Yesterday was six months since I left my old life behind, and I'm really happy I found this forum.
#27
New Members / Re: What's in a Name - Part 3
Last post by highimpedance - January 03, 2026, 11:41:30 PMI picked highimpedance because it's an audio term that reminds me of old sound systems with quater inch inputs that are a bit more sensitive, noiser, and easier to overload and blow if you push them too hard... but they can work beautifully when matched correctly with the right amp, warmed up, and pushed with a little patience and delicacy. Music is my passion and my best coping tool; that analog reference always resonated with me because it's similar to the way my nervous system works. With a little bit of care and grounding i can keep going.
#28
Books & Articles / Re: Fawning
Last post by Marcine - January 03, 2026, 10:46:58 PMWow, thanks for the recommendation, folks. I've requested Clayton's Fawning from the library. Looking forward to reading it.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 03, 2026, 09:42:51 PMThank you so much for commenting, SenseOrgan!
The clothing thing is a kind of therapy I think! There's a term I learned "visual cultural criticism", studies how images shape identity and culture. And thats kind of what I'm doing, I'm learning another language to use to shape my own identity. That's a very powerful thing, to shape, to express, to be visible, to be participating in the culture. I feel that as a neglected traumatized child I struggled to participate in the world, did not want to be visible, didn't feel I could shape interactions and struggled to learn social rules, social interaction, human culture. I felt like a lone wolf, a wild beast in exile! I had a recurring dream that I showed up at a party wearing a Cookie Monster suit, a blue furry thing with google eyes... LOL. I was both hidden within the suit, safe, and also completely inappropriately dressed, not very comfortable. So it's really exciting to feel like I'm learning the language of fashion/clothes. Also since this is something I eschewed and downplayed all my life as "silly" or "not me", it's interesting midlife to turn around and embrace it as "part of me" and "worth spending time on if I enjoy it."
I agree, being strong and independent was a survival strategy--a mental strategy as much as physical. I needed to think of myself as that "lone wolf" in order to tolerate the isolation of no one knowing what was going on. It can be scary to not be independent and I'm definitely scared to feel weak. And this is something I'm working on becoming more comfortable with or just embracing the fear of it! Thank you for the invitation to try out different ways of being.
The clothing thing is a kind of therapy I think! There's a term I learned "visual cultural criticism", studies how images shape identity and culture. And thats kind of what I'm doing, I'm learning another language to use to shape my own identity. That's a very powerful thing, to shape, to express, to be visible, to be participating in the culture. I feel that as a neglected traumatized child I struggled to participate in the world, did not want to be visible, didn't feel I could shape interactions and struggled to learn social rules, social interaction, human culture. I felt like a lone wolf, a wild beast in exile! I had a recurring dream that I showed up at a party wearing a Cookie Monster suit, a blue furry thing with google eyes... LOL. I was both hidden within the suit, safe, and also completely inappropriately dressed, not very comfortable. So it's really exciting to feel like I'm learning the language of fashion/clothes. Also since this is something I eschewed and downplayed all my life as "silly" or "not me", it's interesting midlife to turn around and embrace it as "part of me" and "worth spending time on if I enjoy it."
I agree, being strong and independent was a survival strategy--a mental strategy as much as physical. I needed to think of myself as that "lone wolf" in order to tolerate the isolation of no one knowing what was going on. It can be scary to not be independent and I'm definitely scared to feel weak. And this is something I'm working on becoming more comfortable with or just embracing the fear of it! Thank you for the invitation to try out different ways of being.
#30
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi everyone
Last post by Teddy bear - January 03, 2026, 06:08:49 PMThanks NarcKiddo and Kizzie,
Unfortunately in my country of origin and current residence is almost impossible to find a such specialist.
So I am looking online now (as noted in my another post re psychosis). Any recommendations are very welcome
Unfortunately in my country of origin and current residence is almost impossible to find a such specialist.
So I am looking online now (as noted in my another post re psychosis). Any recommendations are very welcome