Recent posts

#21

Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts

Last post by sanmagic7 - March 08, 2026, 05:18:39 PM

Early memories may often be traumatic, but it doesn't mean they ALL are.

i agree, mia. I have a wonderful memory of walking with my M to a store about 2 blocks from our house. I must've been quite young, maybe 3 or 4, and she bought me the most beautiful doll i'd ever seen.  that was a happy memory, one that i can still picture, including the doll sitting on the shelf in the store.  there's a trauma memory about that doll at a later point in my life, but having my M buy her for me, something i chose for myself, always has an inner smile to it.

i also have one from when i was younger, probably around 2.  we had a record-making machine at the time, and my folks allowed me to record my voice. i still recall what i said, which was really nearly pre-verbal, and i can still hear my little girl voice saying my made-up words, and i remember feeling very grown up doing that.

so, yeah, not all family memories have to be traumatic.  i think it's good to find some of these that made us smile when we were so very young, whether they were FOO-related or not. at least it's one thing we can look back on and feel something pos. about in our life.  love and hugs

#22

Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...

Last post by GoSlash27 - March 08, 2026, 02:17:10 PM

 Frustrations...
 While I have the obituaries and faces of Mrs. Norma- Jean "Mama" Davis and her daughter Apostle Marilynn Davis, I have no recollection of them as people. They took us in. Nurtured and cared for us when we were abandoned. Sheltered and took care of us in the back of a church out of the kindness of their hearts. But I don't remember them at all. I don't have the excuse of "I was too young". Just "I was dissociated". I wish I did have memories of them. She stated in her testimony that she loved us like her own grandchildren. Judging from her biographical information I do not doubt her sincerity. But I do not love her in return. I don't remember her at all. I wish I did.

 "Bob Dad"'s anonymity hurts more. He was a paternal figure for me throughout the 1970s. Kind, doting, never showed impatience or frustration. He adored us and we adored him. I think his relationship with my mother was more about us than her.
 But I never knew his last name. He's simply "Bob Dad". I have seen his driver's license and can describe it in detail but I never read it. Same with his license plate. I have been to his house (I wouldn't call it a "home") but I don't know the address.
 Despite the mountains (years) of information and details I can recall about him, which should easily be enough to positively identify one man, none of it is easily tagged "metadata".
 He's the opposite of "Mama" Davis. I remember him very fondly, but I don't know who he is.

#23

Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself

Last post by Blueberry - March 08, 2026, 01:10:16 PM

Quite a bit of motivation today for housework and even yardwork but not going to manage it all. Still, I've done a bit of tidying in odd small places and finally loaded the dishwasher and put it on. Loaded it with saucepans and other things I normally do by hand. I've worked on dishwasher in OT so I'm realising today that it's not so surprising I was feeling blocked and couldn't set it in motion. But now I have.

I'm going to a friend's to play board games in an hour and then going straight to the bus stop to head to the farm, so have to get organised for both of those now. I'm happy I have the wherewithal to do both today in addition to what's already done because there are days when it's hard to do the absolute basics like get up and take my meds.

#24

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction

Last post by dollyvee - March 08, 2026, 10:02:21 AM

Hi Erec,

Welcome to the forum 

I hope you find what you need here.

Like you, I have been dealing with genetic and health issues that often mimic cptsd anxiety, and/or can set off cptsd symptoms. I'm sorry that being overlooked as a child has led to a more prolonged health issues and a lost 25 years. That is a lot to contend with. For me, I grew up in an NPD household where a lot of my health issues were viewed as a nuisance, or extraneous problem, and I adopted that attitude as well until it came to the point where I *knew* that something was wrong in the body, and it wasn't in my mind, as I'd been told by doctors, or something that I could talk my out of in therapy.

I'm glad you've found something that is helping you and I hope you're able to process what has happened with enough space.

Sending you support,
dolly

#25

Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...

Last post by GoSlash27 - March 08, 2026, 01:36:58 AM

 It's amazing how "plastic" toddlers are under duress. They "forget" whatever or whoever they need to when they need to. They adapt to any situation, traumatic or therapeutic.
 When mom suddenly disappears, they don't ask where she went or when she will be back. When their care is transferred to total strangers, they don't question it. When they're dropped into a new situation, they don't ask why. You would *think* they would, but they don't.
 They just adapt. They "go with the flow". And if they have to "shut down" and dissociate in order to survive, they will.
 And most adults have no direct memory of it ever having happened! They carry forward "triggers", cPTSD, emotions... but no memory of the events that caused it or how they responded in the moment.

 Many adults picture toddlers as miniature adults. Projecting their own adult thought patterns and responses on little kids. It's logical but a false empathy. You cannot simply "put yourself in their shoes". You have to remember what it was like to *be* a toddler yourself.
     

#26

Self-Help & Recovery / Re: Not being able to ask for ...

Last post by Saluki - March 07, 2026, 11:49:09 PM

Thank you for understanding, and for the useful suggestions, NarcKiddo.
I'm glad it's not just me who can't cope with video game sound effects! I thought it was just me. Not that I'm glad anyone else suffers them...
I'm useless at playing video games. I used to play them with my kids when they were younger but I never did get any good at them. Most of the games these days seem to be single player, which makes it boring. I used to really enjoy Lego games with my kids. They always beat the bosses though. I didn't stand a chance!

I think another reason I'm scared to ask is because I hate being criticised because all I ever experienced was criticism before and my partner experienced a lot of criticism previously too, so I'm quite desperate not to make him feel bad equally as I am desperate not to be criticised myself. But I also have to acknowledge that I'm not scared of my partner so I don't think he'd mind me asking in the slightest. I just close the living room door and put on music sometimes but the feeling of helplessness is still there. Also I refuse to let him do things for me even if I find them difficult sometimes because I was treated like a slave by my ex and I have a massive problem with feeling like someone is doing something for me. Oh dear, it's really silly because I actually love doing things for people who do things for me too ie) there's a good balance. I've never had that balance before and now I have it, I don't know what to do with it...

#27

Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...

Last post by GoSlash27 - March 07, 2026, 10:39:28 PM

 I bought the most obnoxiously "pimpin" roller skates I could find today. Gold. All gold, mirror finish. Mirror gold patent leather boots. Gold frame. Gold trucks, Gold bushings. Sparkly gold laces. Light-up gold flake wheels. If that doesn't scream "funk" then I don't know what will. It made me happy in the moment and I hope the skates work well for me.
 I would have preferred the David Bowie "Starman" skates. Iconic red and turquiose lightning bolts on silver, but sadly they didn't make them in my size. "Solid Gold" will have to do.

#28

Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself

Last post by Blueberry - March 07, 2026, 10:17:12 PM

'well, you did this and that so you *should* be able to do that and this, i know there's really no connection there.  just cuz we manage one thing doesn't mean we have the will, energy, or mindspace to do something different. just before coming here i did my door stretches, and as i'm writing, i'm wiggling my feet.  lol!  doesn't mean i'll go out and walk today. that wish is flying away from me right now. 

Thanks for the validation, san. I know it, too. "You did this, so you should be able to do that" is coming from my ICr speaking in the voice of M. That was a very common refrain in my childhood, in fact often with "obviously" thrown in, so "You did this, so obviously you can do the other."

I really don't know what the difference was between today and yesterday, but today I got up in the morning, before 10AM in fact and finally, finally had a shower and washed my hair. That's been on the to do list for about 3 weeks. Then I went down into the town centre in the warm sunshine and did some shopping especially at the farmer's market. I always see people I know to say 'hello' to or exchange a few words with when I'm in the town centre on Saturday morning, which is good for ending my isolation. I also stuck a load of washing in the machine before I went out, which was also very overdue. Need to finish hanging it up.

I did have more jobs planned, but this still was a real step up from yesterday and I feel much better for having managed these few but big things.   

#29

Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts

Last post by Blueberry - March 07, 2026, 09:58:31 PM

I said that actually, I had been so neglected that witnessing someone acknowledge that I existed, acknowledge that there was something that I may want or need that could bring a smile to my face, was wonderful -- I absolutely cherish that memory.

I have a memory sort of like that too, from about the same age. I would've been almost 3yo. It's always stuck with me. A Greyhound bus driver lifted me down from the bus steps onto the sidewalk. I'm not sure what I felt at the time, all I can say is: no fear, no pain, no sadness. Maybe a little happiness? I think it was something about the fact that he lifted me down without me having to ask or plainly state I needed help. That wasn't actually the worst phase of my life back then, but I do have memories also from a couple of years later that my parents just seemed so clueless. Me, terrified of fireworks on the ground, trying to get my dad's attention to pick me up to save me from these fireworks jumping all over the place and he just continued chatting to somebody oblivious till he finally cottoned on and picked me up out of the way of the fireworks. We'd just moved countries and fireworks were new to me.

Anyway just want to validate that I too have some good memories from way, way back, and because we moved and/or spent only particular time at our grandparents overseas, I can place these memories to a pretty exact year and even month or two. Early memories may often be traumatic, but it doesn't mean they ALL are.

#30

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction

Last post by Erec - March 07, 2026, 07:34:04 PM

I hoped that identifying the probable origin of my problems would lead to an improvement. Instead, I find myself counting the damage inflicted by psychiatrists: I have severe osteoporosis, unheard of for a man of my age; atrophied muscles; abnormal hormonal levels; and a likely permanent sterility. The psychiatrist stated that a quarter-century of psychiatric therapies was probably a mistake, and that my original problem was organic. Twenty-six years of illness, the nature of which no one ever investigated. No one ever even considered the symptoms I was describing. Myriads of drugs, in the most diverse combinations, with changes every three weeks. A desert in the past, a desert in the future. No one by my side, except for my mother. A colossal error.