Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - January 13, 2026, 07:26:05 PMQuote from: Chart on January 13, 2026, 12:03:10 PMQuote from: Ran on January 11, 2026, 10:24:29 AMI have actually started dating him. It just happened. I can tell that I do have genuine feelings, but he is a massive troll as he pushes my cptsd attachment buttons deliberately. I don't hate it all, but I just fear that once things are over as long distance relationships last rarely, then it will hit me hard also I got overwhelmed too, but that part might be too triggering, soOuf... Ran, your post hits me right square where I am suffering... now and for two years... and since forever...
Trigger warning: flashback, claustrophobia, trapped, panic attack!!!
I started feeling claustrophobic, because I was suddenly put into a wife role, with no ceremonies and I had an I think it was flashback of people's faces around me watching, so I felt trapped. I got even a bit of an panic attack. I'm over it now, but it was something new.
My core trauma is Attachment... my research has revealed a long family history of father/child abandonment. The men were abandoned, were all subsequently raised by mothers who had in their own trauma emotional or physical abandonment. It's a web of failed relationships from the past, the inability of each to recognize their pain as the parental dysfunction. The scenario seems to be always the same: a woman suffering abandonment who then has a male child, thus demanding their sons to fulfill their emotional needs which in turns causes trauma in the sons... who grow up to abandon their children. Somehow this six-wheel wobble-machine has moved forward through the decades advancing like a drunken sack of aluminum cans.
I am in extreme pain at the moment. It sounds like you are experiencing painful symptoms?
For me, this deep deep core wound that occurred in-utero and I endured directly for the first four years of my life, is what keeps rising up inside me as depression and mental pain. It gets pretty severe. I'm also experiencing physical breakdown, as various parts of my body are ceasing to function without mild to severe pain on a regular basis. I think pain can trigger further pain. The pain I'm experiencing in my body is triggering fear and insecurity in my psyche... because it's now extremely painful to "work" as I've been doing the past ten years. I'm now in a very scary place. This is awakening violently that primal wound of insecurity and absence of safety. It's not the same, but it's enough to trigger my old deep wound.
When these things get triggered, we have to listen to them. Pain in the present is leading us back to the wound that was never healed. It's really really hard, but I have to "go back" and sense what the core situation was and then stumble forward in a manner that allows to come into the light... and resolve... but it's hard... it was sooooo long ago.
Crazy situation, but that's how I understand it. What you are describing sounds quite a bit similar. If not, feel free to ignore what I wrote. It's just what struck me now in this moment.
Sending support
I guess in my case it's the men abandoning the women, so women are expected to be strong as my households have always been run by women. Even if those men don't abandon us deliberately, then I've noticed this pattern, but I've never deeply thought about it.
My body is breaking apart. I was born weak already and it all has progressed over the years, with analyzes made in the doctors showing nothing.
I have gastritis and duodenitis and issues with kidneys. Inflammation, where the antibiotics don't help at all. I have a lot of pain due to the scoliosis and I'm not sure if it's pinched nerve. I get migraines and tinnitus. I also have hypermobility or possible heds, but it isn't figured out wich one.
It all seems to be something neurological as systematic issues were all ruled out.
I tend to be very harsh on myself and I hate everything about myself. I want to hide away and not see my body what is breaking down.
I experience panic attacks, flash backs, body convulsions and body just trembling, shaking and have high bloodpressure with dizzyness.
Also migraine aura, tension headaches and just sharp pain on top of my head, when I've been through an intense period of my life.
Not to mention depressive episodes, intrusive imagery and thoughts. I've been passivley suicidal since 2021.
I'm not sure how I am standing. It's a complete miracle while also having born weak.
#22
New Members / Re: What's in a Name - Part 3
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 13, 2026, 07:22:06 PMQuote from: Desert Flower on July 04, 2024, 09:47:39 AMOkay, I'm new here and I'm finding it really difficult to introduce myself somehow. Well, I never was supposed to speak about any of this of course. So, I'll start with 'what's in an name?'. I chose Desert Flower because I'm trying to blossom while I grew up in such a barren place. I just need a little water every now and then. And I'll be fine hopefully. I've been holding back the tears for so long, I can't believe it. Sometimes I just can't believe I'm still here, I'm still standing (sort of). It's been so rough and lonely. I'm just so glad you're here and I'm not alone with this anymore.I loved it right away when we met
Exactly the association I had with it [very similar to what I so adore about plants growing in abandoned buildings, especially in impossible places] #23
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 13, 2026, 07:19:38 PMReading this, I'm really struck by how much awareness and regulation you are building, especially around anger, bodily signals, and nighttime safety. 
One small thing that came to mind (feel free to ignore if it doesn't fit) - maybe adding something like:
* "practicing kindness toward myself when things are messy"
or
* "allowing myself to go at my own pace."
Not as another task, just as a stance.
(If that's ok)
One small thing that came to mind (feel free to ignore if it doesn't fit) - maybe adding something like:
* "practicing kindness toward myself when things are messy"
or
* "allowing myself to go at my own pace."
Not as another task, just as a stance.
(If that's ok)
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 13, 2026, 07:10:03 PMChart, that sounds incredibly hard. Reading this, I don't hear failure or fault - I hear a nervous system that lost its external anchor and is now in free fall. I'm wondering if what is happening right now could be a disorganization phase after the loss of borrowed regulation? Not because anyone did something wrong, but because the safety that was carried in the relationship disappeared.
It sounds like she had become an external stabilizer for you, and when that attachment was activated and then ruptured, it lit up very old wounds: abandonment, humiliation, aloneness. Not because you're weak, but because what you carry is deep, and it may simply have been more than she could hold.
This phase you are describing: the panic, the collapse, the body pain, the exhaustion, the shame, the sense of being stranded, that all fits with what disorganization feels like I think (own experience). It is terrifying. It is painful. It is profoundly lonely. And it often shows up somatically, not just in thoughts. I want you to know: even if it feels like you're lying in the trough between rogue waves, you are not unseen here. We can hear you, and we can sit with the pain and dysregulation without asking you to be different.
What really stood out to me was your last line. Despite everything, there is a note in it that feels different - not resolved, not healed, but aware. Almost like part of you already senses that something more integrated exists, even if you can't feel it yet. That doesn't erase the suffering you're in right now, but it does make me think you might already be moving, however painfully, toward something truer than what came before.
I'm really glad you wrote this. It makes a lot of sense to me.
Sending
It sounds like she had become an external stabilizer for you, and when that attachment was activated and then ruptured, it lit up very old wounds: abandonment, humiliation, aloneness. Not because you're weak, but because what you carry is deep, and it may simply have been more than she could hold.
This phase you are describing: the panic, the collapse, the body pain, the exhaustion, the shame, the sense of being stranded, that all fits with what disorganization feels like I think (own experience). It is terrifying. It is painful. It is profoundly lonely. And it often shows up somatically, not just in thoughts. I want you to know: even if it feels like you're lying in the trough between rogue waves, you are not unseen here. We can hear you, and we can sit with the pain and dysregulation without asking you to be different.
What really stood out to me was your last line. Despite everything, there is a note in it that feels different - not resolved, not healed, but aware. Almost like part of you already senses that something more integrated exists, even if you can't feel it yet. That doesn't erase the suffering you're in right now, but it does make me think you might already be moving, however painfully, toward something truer than what came before.
I'm really glad you wrote this. It makes a lot of sense to me.
Sending
#25
New Members / Re: What's in a Name - Part 3
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 13, 2026, 07:09:20 PMQuote from: Marcine on May 23, 2025, 03:58:12 AMancestral courageAmazing family history! You made me realize that not only trauma often didn't start with us. Imagine how our personal "choices" affect so many lives. Not only our own children if we have them. We're all connected.
#26
New Members / Re: What's in a Name - Part 3
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 13, 2026, 07:01:59 PMQuote from: Desert Flower on January 11, 2026, 04:14:48 PMQuote from: Desert Flower on January 11, 2026, 04:14:48 PMI had been wondering SenseOrgan, about your name, and I love it!
I had been wondering SenseOrgan, about your name, and I love it!
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 13, 2026, 03:46:25 PMSan, I'm really glad you wrote this, and I want to say this clearly and simply:
You're not "too sensitive."
What you're describing is good judgment and reclaimed agency.
I see exactly what you mean about the red flags feeling too basic to overlook. When someone doesn't listen to how you name yourself, doesn't adjust after you correct them, and then overrides clearly stated limits in-session - that's not a subtle rupture. That's a pattern of not taking your reality seriously.
I also understand the distinction you're making between human mistakes and dismissiveness. Those are not the same. You've done repair before. You know what "oops, I missed that" feels like versus "I'm proceeding with my agenda anyway." What you're naming here sounds like the latter, and it makes sense that it landed as unsafe.
If I add one small thing - just as something to hold, not a direction - it's this:
I've read (and experienced with my own T) that when a rupture is actually met with listening, accountability, and slowing down, the repair itself can be somatically healing. Not because we owe anyone another chance, but because being taken seriously after saying "this hurt" can rewire something deep.
That said: repair only heals when the other person is genuinely capable of it. You're already doing the right thing by giving yourself time, considering your options, and not rushing to override your own knowing.
Whatever you decide - clean break, explanatory email, or seeing how she responds - you are choosing from agency now, not pressure. And that matters. You sorted through this with clarity and self-respect. That's not small at all. 💛
You're not "too sensitive."
What you're describing is good judgment and reclaimed agency.
I see exactly what you mean about the red flags feeling too basic to overlook. When someone doesn't listen to how you name yourself, doesn't adjust after you correct them, and then overrides clearly stated limits in-session - that's not a subtle rupture. That's a pattern of not taking your reality seriously.
I also understand the distinction you're making between human mistakes and dismissiveness. Those are not the same. You've done repair before. You know what "oops, I missed that" feels like versus "I'm proceeding with my agenda anyway." What you're naming here sounds like the latter, and it makes sense that it landed as unsafe.
If I add one small thing - just as something to hold, not a direction - it's this:
I've read (and experienced with my own T) that when a rupture is actually met with listening, accountability, and slowing down, the repair itself can be somatically healing. Not because we owe anyone another chance, but because being taken seriously after saying "this hurt" can rewire something deep.
That said: repair only heals when the other person is genuinely capable of it. You're already doing the right thing by giving yourself time, considering your options, and not rushing to override your own knowing.
Whatever you decide - clean break, explanatory email, or seeing how she responds - you are choosing from agency now, not pressure. And that matters. You sorted through this with clarity and self-respect. That's not small at all. 💛
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 13, 2026, 02:32:21 PMfirst, thank you, all you fine people for your thoughts on this.
thebigblue, that 'letter' was so well-thought out, it really was on the mark. if i tend to go that route, i could almost use it word for word! thanks for your kindness and care. it felt really good.
DF, i thought so, too, about how much she dismissed what i'd said about not wanting to do IFS right from the start. thanks for picking up on that, cuz that's what really ticked me off. i so appreciate your warmth, recognition, and love, too. that felt wonderful to read that. and thanks for validating that my anger is warranted. much appreciated.
SO, you made me smile so hard! thanks for all the power recognition - i am feeling powerful right now. all your words just stirred me up in a good way! love it!!!
i am so grateful for all your insights here. i also talked to me D about it this morning, and she immediately said, 'well, you can cross her off the list'. she remembered that i'd mentioned red flags in my first phone call w/ her, when i introduced myself w/ my name, and when she responded, she used a diminutive of it. when it happened again, i told her 'people usually call me san', but it was a small red flag already that she didn't listen and also that she went along w/ her own agenda re: how to address me.
so, my D is ready to let her go via email, in the most efficient way possible - dear T, this isn't going to work, i won't be seeing you again' kind of thing. but i really do like the idea of giving her my reasons, give her a chance to respond, see if she has any referrals that could be useful. and, now that i think of it, this way i won't have to pay for another session. so, i'll think on this for a day or so, but i want to tell you all again how much this meant to me.
o, and as far as what you said, tbb, therapists are human, i understand that, and can make mistakes, and i went thru that w/ my former T several times w/o a problem, but here, to me, the idea that she wouldn't listen to some very basic requests was more dismissive of what i'd asked for than just making a mistake. so, maybe we have a little different view on that, or maybe i'm more sensitive cuz it's happened too often.
at any rate, thank you for your responses. you really helped me sort thru this.
thebigblue, that 'letter' was so well-thought out, it really was on the mark. if i tend to go that route, i could almost use it word for word! thanks for your kindness and care. it felt really good.
DF, i thought so, too, about how much she dismissed what i'd said about not wanting to do IFS right from the start. thanks for picking up on that, cuz that's what really ticked me off. i so appreciate your warmth, recognition, and love, too. that felt wonderful to read that. and thanks for validating that my anger is warranted. much appreciated.
SO, you made me smile so hard! thanks for all the power recognition - i am feeling powerful right now. all your words just stirred me up in a good way! love it!!!
i am so grateful for all your insights here. i also talked to me D about it this morning, and she immediately said, 'well, you can cross her off the list'. she remembered that i'd mentioned red flags in my first phone call w/ her, when i introduced myself w/ my name, and when she responded, she used a diminutive of it. when it happened again, i told her 'people usually call me san', but it was a small red flag already that she didn't listen and also that she went along w/ her own agenda re: how to address me.
so, my D is ready to let her go via email, in the most efficient way possible - dear T, this isn't going to work, i won't be seeing you again' kind of thing. but i really do like the idea of giving her my reasons, give her a chance to respond, see if she has any referrals that could be useful. and, now that i think of it, this way i won't have to pay for another session. so, i'll think on this for a day or so, but i want to tell you all again how much this meant to me.
o, and as far as what you said, tbb, therapists are human, i understand that, and can make mistakes, and i went thru that w/ my former T several times w/o a problem, but here, to me, the idea that she wouldn't listen to some very basic requests was more dismissive of what i'd asked for than just making a mistake. so, maybe we have a little different view on that, or maybe i'm more sensitive cuz it's happened too often.
at any rate, thank you for your responses. you really helped me sort thru this.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 13, 2026, 02:09:26 PM
really nice start to this journal, hope.it struck me what you said about the terror being mostly gone, but it left room for feelings of abandonment now. it sounds to me like you've grown emotionally, which i'm not surprised due to all the hard work you keep doing. well done for the progress you've made!
keep up the good work. i hope your new books are as helpful as the others have been for you. love and hugs
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 13, 2026, 02:04:54 PMyes we are, PC, and i'm together with you. everyone here gives me the strength i need to keep going. it is a real connection that i've hung onto for over a decade. so glad i found this place, these people.
i've chosen to hand forgiveness over to some higher power who will take care of it for me. it does similar for me as you spoke about - lets the poison out. i've only hated one person, actually felt the hatred, and it was horrid but it also felt natural at the time, organic in a sense that i didn't set out to feel that way, it just came over me. it's finally left me somehow, but i know it was there for a time and i hope i don't have to feel it again.
i'm glad your day has started out well, you're feeling pretty good. i hope you have more days like this. love and hugs
i've chosen to hand forgiveness over to some higher power who will take care of it for me. it does similar for me as you spoke about - lets the poison out. i've only hated one person, actually felt the hatred, and it was horrid but it also felt natural at the time, organic in a sense that i didn't set out to feel that way, it just came over me. it's finally left me somehow, but i know it was there for a time and i hope i don't have to feel it again.
i'm glad your day has started out well, you're feeling pretty good. i hope you have more days like this. love and hugs