Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 01:36:27 PMA few updates and personal notes.
The experience of cPTSD vs the popular misconceptions...
-You cannot describe the symptoms of dissociation to someone who's dissociated most or all of the time. What does "not in the moment" even mean to someone who's never in the moment in the first place?
The big tell of dissociation is amnesia. That is relatable. "Proximal dissociative amnesia" means a gap in time that was very messily removed. For me that's the summer of '85 (more on that later). "Generalized dissociative amnesia" is spans of years or even decades where memories are like a collage that was ripped apart and then taped together at random. No coherent timeline or context.
-"Hypervigilance" isn't Uncle Ted hiding in the corner with a 12 gauge freaking out because "Gomer's in the wire". It's adopting the persona of the "Slavic girl" trope. I love you and want to trust you, but I can't. I can do a fair impression of trust for a while, but I can never be someone who even wants you in my house. "I'm sorry you have feelings. Must be exhausting".
-"Triggers" aren't people saying things that piss you off. They are much more subtle and random. The smell of pennies, the sound of a snippet of a specific song from 1974, a certain pattern of linoleum or shade of mauve, the toot of a switching locomotive in the night. The response is somatic, but not "you made me mad so now I'm going to act childish".
-"Flashback" isn't a terror sequence where Uncle Ted suddenly goes spastic. A flashback is where a previous memory suddenly resurfaces and you don't merely "remember" it, but fully experience it for the first time. It may be a happy memory, innocuous, or traumatic. It may be total-recall or emotional. But there is only ever one "flashback" per repressed memory. After that, it's just a memory like all the rest. The somatic response isn't violence, but rather stunned silence.
-"Hyperarousal" isn't sitting in the corner weeping, shaking and twitching. I mean... It kinda is, but it's not that over- the- top caricature of it. It's more like a slow adrenaline leak that continues for weeks. You're vibrating like a string, suffering from insomnia and non- restful sleep, jumpy. In my case, it comes with fibromyalgia. It's exhausting and impairs your ability to function. Unlike hypervigilance, it's not always there.
The experience of cPTSD vs the popular misconceptions...
-You cannot describe the symptoms of dissociation to someone who's dissociated most or all of the time. What does "not in the moment" even mean to someone who's never in the moment in the first place?
The big tell of dissociation is amnesia. That is relatable. "Proximal dissociative amnesia" means a gap in time that was very messily removed. For me that's the summer of '85 (more on that later). "Generalized dissociative amnesia" is spans of years or even decades where memories are like a collage that was ripped apart and then taped together at random. No coherent timeline or context.-"Hypervigilance" isn't Uncle Ted hiding in the corner with a 12 gauge freaking out because "Gomer's in the wire". It's adopting the persona of the "Slavic girl" trope. I love you and want to trust you, but I can't. I can do a fair impression of trust for a while, but I can never be someone who even wants you in my house. "I'm sorry you have feelings. Must be exhausting".
-"Triggers" aren't people saying things that piss you off. They are much more subtle and random. The smell of pennies, the sound of a snippet of a specific song from 1974, a certain pattern of linoleum or shade of mauve, the toot of a switching locomotive in the night. The response is somatic, but not "you made me mad so now I'm going to act childish".
-"Flashback" isn't a terror sequence where Uncle Ted suddenly goes spastic. A flashback is where a previous memory suddenly resurfaces and you don't merely "remember" it, but fully experience it for the first time. It may be a happy memory, innocuous, or traumatic. It may be total-recall or emotional. But there is only ever one "flashback" per repressed memory. After that, it's just a memory like all the rest. The somatic response isn't violence, but rather stunned silence.
-"Hyperarousal" isn't sitting in the corner weeping, shaking and twitching. I mean... It kinda is, but it's not that over- the- top caricature of it. It's more like a slow adrenaline leak that continues for weeks. You're vibrating like a string, suffering from insomnia and non- restful sleep, jumpy. In my case, it comes with fibromyalgia. It's exhausting and impairs your ability to function. Unlike hypervigilance, it's not always there.
#22
Books & Articles / Gisèle Pelicot - A Hymn to Lif...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 01:31:25 PMTW/mention of sexual abuse
The extraordinarily powerful memoir by a heroine of our times, whose story inspires change, compassion and courage.
One November day, Gisèle Pelicot was called to a local police station and life as she knew it ended. Her husband of fifty years had been caught by a supermarket guard filming up women's skirts. But on his computer was shattering evidence: for nearly a decade, he had been secretly drugging and raping her and inviting dozens of strangers into their home to abuse her.
Four years later, he and fifty other men were put on trial and Gisèle's courage in waiving her right to anonymity made global headlines. 'Shame must change sides,' she declared, giving voice and hope to millions. Her words became a rallying cry and her decision marked a turning point in public feeling about sexual violence.
For the first time, and with unwavering honesty and grace, she describes a difficult childhood, first love, her career and motherhood. It is a life in determined search of happiness, both before and after her devastating discovery. She is an ordinary person who faces extraordinary catastrophe, whose example changes the world.
A Hymn to Life is an unforgettable testament and a promise. Its message is one of defiance and renewal – that victims have no reason to feel ashamed; that even after unimaginable betrayal we can go on; that the colour can come back to life. Ultimately, Gisèle Pelicot emerges with a renewed passion and reverence for living, and for love.
Source: https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/475698/a-hymn-to-life-by-pelicot-gisele/9781847928962
The extraordinarily powerful memoir by a heroine of our times, whose story inspires change, compassion and courage.
One November day, Gisèle Pelicot was called to a local police station and life as she knew it ended. Her husband of fifty years had been caught by a supermarket guard filming up women's skirts. But on his computer was shattering evidence: for nearly a decade, he had been secretly drugging and raping her and inviting dozens of strangers into their home to abuse her.
Four years later, he and fifty other men were put on trial and Gisèle's courage in waiving her right to anonymity made global headlines. 'Shame must change sides,' she declared, giving voice and hope to millions. Her words became a rallying cry and her decision marked a turning point in public feeling about sexual violence.
For the first time, and with unwavering honesty and grace, she describes a difficult childhood, first love, her career and motherhood. It is a life in determined search of happiness, both before and after her devastating discovery. She is an ordinary person who faces extraordinary catastrophe, whose example changes the world.
A Hymn to Life is an unforgettable testament and a promise. Its message is one of defiance and renewal – that victims have no reason to feel ashamed; that even after unimaginable betrayal we can go on; that the colour can come back to life. Ultimately, Gisèle Pelicot emerges with a renewed passion and reverence for living, and for love.
Source: https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/475698/a-hymn-to-life-by-pelicot-gisele/9781847928962
#23
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 12:57:43 PMRegarding empathy, IMO traumatised people are not always empathetic. Probably some other factors influence it.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 12:46:49 PMBach, I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing self-hatred. It's good to hear you have the insight to know that it's a backlash and that you aren't worthy of hatred. I know I've experienced backlash. Just being aware the cause of the feelings can help defuse from them. I hope you find some relief soon.
#25
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: opening up to support
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 12:42:21 PMWelcome here, Moshi 
It resonates with me: not too many friends and periods of distance from others along with attempts to be friendly. I don't like relationships based on trauma bonding either.
Often I feel myself unappreciated and no real reciprocity.
It resonates with me: not too many friends and periods of distance from others along with attempts to be friendly. I don't like relationships based on trauma bonding either.
Often I feel myself unappreciated and no real reciprocity.
#26
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: I think I may have found m...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 10:02:56 AMOh wow. You were struck by other people writing your story. I am struck by you writing large parts of mine.
For those of us who had no Big T Trauma that the world would recognise as such it is really hard to come to terms with the fact that we have trauma at all. I think that's maybe why it can take so long. We are also of a similar generation, and of course so much was brushed under the carpet back then that tends to get aired a little more these days. I'm glad about that - if I had only twigged earlier what might have been at the root of my problem I would be a lot further along the road of healing by now.
Mine was different from yours in that she did do some of the things, when they suited her. Medical trips meant public martyrdom. Our birthday parties were fun for her. Not so much for me, as I recall. She took over everything. But the basic principle is that it is all about THEM. Never, ever about us.
I'm glad you found us and look forward to getting to know you more.
For those of us who had no Big T Trauma that the world would recognise as such it is really hard to come to terms with the fact that we have trauma at all. I think that's maybe why it can take so long. We are also of a similar generation, and of course so much was brushed under the carpet back then that tends to get aired a little more these days. I'm glad about that - if I had only twigged earlier what might have been at the root of my problem I would be a lot further along the road of healing by now.
Mine was different from yours in that she did do some of the things, when they suited her. Medical trips meant public martyrdom. Our birthday parties were fun for her. Not so much for me, as I recall. She took over everything. But the basic principle is that it is all about THEM. Never, ever about us.
I'm glad you found us and look forward to getting to know you more.
#27
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: opening up to support
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 09:54:24 AMWelcome. I'm glad you found us.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Starting my journal
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 09:51:41 AMYay for the new jigsaw. I like that analogy very much. It's good to see that approach already helping you.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Starting my journal
Last post by holidayay - Today at 08:54:34 AM13.02.26
2 days ago, I did nothing. I stayed at home and did nothing. And doing nothing turned out to be everything. Everything my nervous system needed. I felt the familiar pull initially, of 'so what are you doing today? look, you haven't even planned for career progression...How old are we again? And you also haven't been to the gym in ages and you've put on lots of weight! Everything is terrible!' and then I stopped it and said yes I understand all that but now can you tell me how my body feels? And the answer was clear: exhausted. Muscles fatigued and tense from sress. Stomach in knots.
So I made a cosy spot on the sofa and sat down. A few hours passed and I felt a bit better. Did some gentle cleaning and an easy-to-make meal. Then went back to the sofa. The whole day passed and I didn't traverse the usual route of feeling worse. I started noticing small things too. Like how my instinct is to RUSH through tasks. Rush through brushing my teeth, rush through cleaning, rush through errands, rush through cooking, rush through eating.
My helpful medical education makes this lesson an easy one: the feedback loop of my mind urging me to rush through things comes from a dysregulated place, and the adrenaline released causes more feelings of false fear/anxiety/urgency. So I slowed down. I noticed my breathing; either holding my breath whilst doing things, or breathing too quickly. I also amended that, too.
What a difference. It all comes together, in a perfect jigsaw, when you stop and look at the individual pieces properly. The pieces fit in together, to form the overall picture. And that picture can be changed when you choose different pieces. Throw the old jigsaw out; all its old, withered, worn out pieces that corroborate together to form the picture you no longer want. Grab the new jigsaw wjth the end picture that you now want; it will take you time as you examine the new pieces and learn where they go.
So I'm building my new jigsaw. And sometimes you need time to just sit and examine the pieces. Other days are for the stage where you start putting them together.
That was yesterday. I went to work. A bit less anxious, a bit more confident. I noticed in my communication, I said things that were more in line with how I really felt/thought. For example, instead of assuming I was the dumb, stupid one when asked a question I did not know the answer to, I said I don't know. Turned out the senior doctor I was working with did not know too! I chuckled internally at the vast change in course of action that occurred: I did not just go quiet and crumble and spend the rest of the shift berating myself, instead I felt confident and we searched for the answer together. AI received their support (and automatic validation) and I came home not feeling broken with the Inner Critic going beserk in the evening....AND I HAD DIFFERENT DREAMS. I dreamt my MIL was trying to humiliate me and break me down, and I stuck up for myself and told her 'NOPE, you will not do this to me' and I walked away. She received reprimand from my partner, BIL and her wife and she rang me to apologise. See how it all fits together...? True self allowed to show up, true self not attacked, inner critic not activated prior to sleeping, conscience in my dreams shows up differently, nervous system not activated as a result of the dream sequence...and I did not wake up feeling sick, anxious, terrified and full of shame. I feel quite OK actually. Dare I say it, I feel just...regular. I'm having a morning coffee and waiting for my therapy session at 9.30.
So simple yet so astonishingly HUGE.
2 days ago, I did nothing. I stayed at home and did nothing. And doing nothing turned out to be everything. Everything my nervous system needed. I felt the familiar pull initially, of 'so what are you doing today? look, you haven't even planned for career progression...How old are we again? And you also haven't been to the gym in ages and you've put on lots of weight! Everything is terrible!' and then I stopped it and said yes I understand all that but now can you tell me how my body feels? And the answer was clear: exhausted. Muscles fatigued and tense from sress. Stomach in knots.
So I made a cosy spot on the sofa and sat down. A few hours passed and I felt a bit better. Did some gentle cleaning and an easy-to-make meal. Then went back to the sofa. The whole day passed and I didn't traverse the usual route of feeling worse. I started noticing small things too. Like how my instinct is to RUSH through tasks. Rush through brushing my teeth, rush through cleaning, rush through errands, rush through cooking, rush through eating.
My helpful medical education makes this lesson an easy one: the feedback loop of my mind urging me to rush through things comes from a dysregulated place, and the adrenaline released causes more feelings of false fear/anxiety/urgency. So I slowed down. I noticed my breathing; either holding my breath whilst doing things, or breathing too quickly. I also amended that, too.
What a difference. It all comes together, in a perfect jigsaw, when you stop and look at the individual pieces properly. The pieces fit in together, to form the overall picture. And that picture can be changed when you choose different pieces. Throw the old jigsaw out; all its old, withered, worn out pieces that corroborate together to form the picture you no longer want. Grab the new jigsaw wjth the end picture that you now want; it will take you time as you examine the new pieces and learn where they go.
So I'm building my new jigsaw. And sometimes you need time to just sit and examine the pieces. Other days are for the stage where you start putting them together.
That was yesterday. I went to work. A bit less anxious, a bit more confident. I noticed in my communication, I said things that were more in line with how I really felt/thought. For example, instead of assuming I was the dumb, stupid one when asked a question I did not know the answer to, I said I don't know. Turned out the senior doctor I was working with did not know too! I chuckled internally at the vast change in course of action that occurred: I did not just go quiet and crumble and spend the rest of the shift berating myself, instead I felt confident and we searched for the answer together. AI received their support (and automatic validation) and I came home not feeling broken with the Inner Critic going beserk in the evening....AND I HAD DIFFERENT DREAMS. I dreamt my MIL was trying to humiliate me and break me down, and I stuck up for myself and told her 'NOPE, you will not do this to me' and I walked away. She received reprimand from my partner, BIL and her wife and she rang me to apologise. See how it all fits together...? True self allowed to show up, true self not attacked, inner critic not activated prior to sleeping, conscience in my dreams shows up differently, nervous system not activated as a result of the dream sequence...and I did not wake up feeling sick, anxious, terrified and full of shame. I feel quite OK actually. Dare I say it, I feel just...regular. I'm having a morning coffee and waiting for my therapy session at 9.30.
So simple yet so astonishingly HUGE.