Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 14, 2025, 12:50:52 PMQuote from: Little2Nothing on December 13, 2025, 08:34:48 PMEvery year that childish hope rises and that feeling of hope mocks my longing. It all relates to the past.
I will say I have a loving family. Wife, kids and grandkids. My Christmas with them is pleasant and rational. No false expectations, but that disillusioned kid surfaces and will not be comforted. He can't be because he's longing for a fictional past.
Wow. That resonates so much with me. "Pleasant and rational." Why can't that be enough? It is for adult me - I craved it when engulfed in FOO madness on the day - but it's totally not good enough for little NK. She wants all the Hollywood trappings and can't accept that they belong in Hollywood. I'm not sure that unremitting joy and wonder is anyone's reality, but our realities were so far away that we've clung onto the hope the joy and wonder exists and we will one day experience it.
I have no answers, but I hope adult L2N can enjoy the pleasant and rational holidays, even if little L2N is disappointed. Maybe you can find something a bit silly or over the top or indulgent to see if that makes little L2N feel a bit more cheerful.
#22
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 14, 2025, 12:30:33 PMQuote from: Abitbroken on December 13, 2025, 11:38:57 PMI wish I could offer some support back that was meaningful
Just being here and sharing is actually supporting others. I did a fiction writing course many years ago. Part of the deal was that we all shared pieces of work and then everyone would offer feedback. At the start of the course we all thought we would learn most from what others had to say about the pieces we had written. By the end we all realised we learned most from critiquing the work of other people - from seeing both the good and the problematic and from finding kind and supportive ways to comment on both. Then we could take that experience and more easily apply it to our own work.
So, thank you for being here and for allowing us to share some of your concerns. I'm glad you don't feel so alone now you've found this place.
I hope you slept well.
#23
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by Blueberry - December 14, 2025, 07:42:41 AMDo thank your daughter for baking enough for us too, Chart!
#24
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 14, 2025, 02:38:31 AMThank you for sharing all of this so honestly. I'm really glad our replies helped even a little; feeling understood can make such a difference when everything feels this hard. What you describe sounds incredibly exhausting, and it makes sense that things intensified after such a major loss and change. I'm really glad you're here, and I hope you get some rest tonight. 💛
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Marcine - December 14, 2025, 02:09:08 AMHi SO,
Travel requires such courage, to venture outside one's comfort zone—
plus, to navigate CPTSD-related challenges adds entire new layers to the notion of adventure...
It sounds like you stayed connected with yourself through the recent journey, ups and downs, which is always a positive accomplishment.
A phrase you wrote captured my imagination: "this hatch in my subconscious"... somehow I thought of a hatch in a submarine that opens at the surface, then seals when the sub sinks into the depths and disappears.
I am tracking the elusive subconscious activity in myself, and I never quite know what's going to vent out when the vessel surfaces and the hatches open.
Best to you.
Travel requires such courage, to venture outside one's comfort zone—
plus, to navigate CPTSD-related challenges adds entire new layers to the notion of adventure...
It sounds like you stayed connected with yourself through the recent journey, ups and downs, which is always a positive accomplishment.
A phrase you wrote captured my imagination: "this hatch in my subconscious"... somehow I thought of a hatch in a submarine that opens at the surface, then seals when the sub sinks into the depths and disappears.
I am tracking the elusive subconscious activity in myself, and I never quite know what's going to vent out when the vessel surfaces and the hatches open.
Best to you.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Armee - December 14, 2025, 12:00:21 AM I had a hard time with it too and resisted. It sets better with me than other forms of imagining or "rescripting" because it doesn't paper over the past or try to imagine it not existing, it just helps update the brain circuits to the present. Like the parts that are stuck in the past not just the intellectual knowledge that things are better now. I think it helps rewire things over time.
#27
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - December 13, 2025, 11:55:50 PMQuote from: Blueberry on December 13, 2025, 02:15:53 AMA warm welcome to the forum, abitbroken!
Thank you Blueberry
#28
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - December 13, 2025, 11:38:57 PMThank you both for your lengthy and considerate responses. It's overwhelmed me that you have both taken the time to offer support and insight.
To actually have people who understand / relate to what I am living inside, is incredibly helpful. I have been lost with trying to explain myself and not feeling totally and utterly alien to every other human, even my poor therapist - she hasn't once dismissed or made me feel bad for anything - but I do get the voice telling me "she's just being kind, it's her job, she secretly thinks X, Y, Z" I try to ignore it as much as possible as the evidence is that she is a safe person, but it get's me and adds to the list of "unhelpful" thoughts that I am continually batting away.
I am 46 and have I think I have always been this way, but recently after I ended an 18.5 year relationship (which my Therapist says was unhealthy for me and says "Coercive Control" - which as before.. I can see logically but nothing has landed emotionally yet) and have finally got my own place again, after selling the house etc. etc. It has all gotten worse, crippling in fact. I genuinely feel like every hour (sometimes minute is a fight with whatever this is and it is exhausting). It has impacted my ability to do my job, I have had to have a lot of time off sick and am now having to work from home as the drive and all the people really are just too much. It is hard to explain to most people how flipping hard existing is living like this.
BigBlue - a lot of what you wrote really resonated, and NarcKiddo - thank you - I am not sure I have ever actually even processed that loss, so maybe that is part of it. I will check out the books, each and every one of them. Maybe an audible for bedtime.
The Death by a Thousand Cuts is eye opening.. and sad...
I appreciate all of your insights, kindness and for making me feel suddenly a lot less alone with this, thank you, deeply.
I have had a nosey around the rest of this site, and it is shockingly sad how many people are suffering, and to have somewhere to discuss any of this is incredible.
Looks like there is a long road ahead..
I wish I could offer some support back that was meaningful - but I feel like this is so new and I am undereducated. I hope that you both know you made a difference to me with your responses so thank you.
Now to "attempt" sleep xxx
To actually have people who understand / relate to what I am living inside, is incredibly helpful. I have been lost with trying to explain myself and not feeling totally and utterly alien to every other human, even my poor therapist - she hasn't once dismissed or made me feel bad for anything - but I do get the voice telling me "she's just being kind, it's her job, she secretly thinks X, Y, Z" I try to ignore it as much as possible as the evidence is that she is a safe person, but it get's me and adds to the list of "unhelpful" thoughts that I am continually batting away.
I am 46 and have I think I have always been this way, but recently after I ended an 18.5 year relationship (which my Therapist says was unhealthy for me and says "Coercive Control" - which as before.. I can see logically but nothing has landed emotionally yet) and have finally got my own place again, after selling the house etc. etc. It has all gotten worse, crippling in fact. I genuinely feel like every hour (sometimes minute is a fight with whatever this is and it is exhausting). It has impacted my ability to do my job, I have had to have a lot of time off sick and am now having to work from home as the drive and all the people really are just too much. It is hard to explain to most people how flipping hard existing is living like this.
BigBlue - a lot of what you wrote really resonated, and NarcKiddo - thank you - I am not sure I have ever actually even processed that loss, so maybe that is part of it. I will check out the books, each and every one of them. Maybe an audible for bedtime.
The Death by a Thousand Cuts is eye opening.. and sad...
I appreciate all of your insights, kindness and for making me feel suddenly a lot less alone with this, thank you, deeply.
I have had a nosey around the rest of this site, and it is shockingly sad how many people are suffering, and to have somewhere to discuss any of this is incredible.
Looks like there is a long road ahead..
I wish I could offer some support back that was meaningful - but I feel like this is so new and I am undereducated. I hope that you both know you made a difference to me with your responses so thank you.
Now to "attempt" sleep
xxx #29
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Little2Nothing - December 13, 2025, 11:38:37 PMThanks Armee, I'm just beginning to learn about creating safety for those emotions. I'm not very good at it but am making progress.
I do see the value of doing what you mention. I still have an internal resistance to the process. Like I said I'm working on it.
That was not too advice-y. On the contrary I appreciate it deeply.
I do see the value of doing what you mention. I still have an internal resistance to the process. Like I said I'm working on it.
That was not too advice-y. On the contrary I appreciate it deeply.
#30
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by Armee - December 13, 2025, 11:27:14 PM I think your title says it all. And that all sounds really bad and I am so sorry you went through and are going thru all that.
Yes retraumatisation of the type you experienced in this relationship causes major PTSD flare ups. Its pretty much the definition of retraumatization...something that reactivates past trauma and PTSD.
For the next time you have to interact something that has helped me when encountering things I know will be triggering is to remind myself that is will be triggering and to identify as many points of potential triggers as I can. And then afterwards to name my reactions as the result of triggering. It helps me stay slightly more in the present. Not completely but it does help more than not doing that. For me at least.
Wishing you safety and eventual peace.