Recent posts
#21
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 08:54:28 PMGood for you, Teddy bear! I've taken part in a couple of studies and felt that I was at least contributing lived experience with cptsd. It being a field that needs more research. Sometimes it was a little destabilising for me. I hope you don't experience that.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 08:43:39 PMQuote from: Bach on February 15, 2026, 06:17:18 PMI wish I wasn't a black hole of neediness and dysfunction.
I read this right next to the picture of a parrot in your avatar. I'm wondering if that parrot thinks you're so needy and dysfunctional. I bet they don't.
(Although I do unfortunately understand where you're coming from with that wish.)
#23
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introducing myself - hi, m...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 08:39:16 PMWelcome to the forum Layla 
You're very welcome to go step by step here, only opening up as much as you personally can.
You're very welcome to go step by step here, only opening up as much as you personally can.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 08:14:48 PMHugs PapaCoco 
#25
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 08:11:58 PMQuote from: Teddy bear on February 16, 2026, 06:09:54 PMThis may result in higher BMI and cholesterol.
Just to add: my cholesterol levels used to be worse when I was not overweight. My doctor thought it was because my whole metabolism wasn't working well due to trauma. My trauma used to play out physically a lot. My body was wracked in pain that no doctor could find a reason for - probably my emotional pain was making itself known physically. Etc etc etc. This isn't to say noone with trauma should believe their doctor when the doc discovers overly high levels of whatever but the emotional and physical body aren't as separate as we would like to think, maybe?
#26
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 17, 2026, 08:08:30 PM🗣💬 ❌ ➡️ 🚜 📢 
Awesome
Awesome
#27
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 08:03:53 PMHi Teddy bear,
I'm certainly sensitive to comments on my body size and have body dysmorphia, altho I have experienced a lot of healing in both. I used to be a bit underweight apparently, or maybe it was just I looked that way because I was always trying to disappear psychologically. I didn't want to exist. For a number of years now, I've been mostly okay about existing and have swung the other way. I'm fat, keep growing out of jackets and trousers etc. My size and looks actually bother me a lot less than they would have say 10-20 years ago, it's just the present inconvenience of no longer fitting into my rain gear... and not replacing because difficult to find and expensive.
FOO told me I was fat throughout my childhood, teens and on into my twenties, thirties, forties, although I wasn't. I have very low contact with all of them so no video calls or anything and they haven't seen me for 10 years. I would say my body dysmorphia developed in childhood, I mean how was I meant to know that what my FOO referred to as fat was actually muscle?? I did figure out at some point that my calves were fairly muscular from cycling but as for the rest of my body? It shouldn't have existed is the message I got.
They actually seemed to think I was fat so idk if they had body dysmorphia about me?? idk if that exists? They were ashamed of themselves or me or?? And projected that onto me. Anyway sorry to keep rambling on, but with trauma in your background eating disorder and body dysmorphia are not exactly rare. Maybe you need to figure out how it developed in your case in order to heal? idk.
There is actually a whole Eating Issues board on here https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=234.0. It's maybe a lot to read but could also be interesting to read about others' problems and even some healing too.
I'm certainly sensitive to comments on my body size and have body dysmorphia, altho I have experienced a lot of healing in both. I used to be a bit underweight apparently, or maybe it was just I looked that way because I was always trying to disappear psychologically. I didn't want to exist. For a number of years now, I've been mostly okay about existing and have swung the other way. I'm fat, keep growing out of jackets and trousers etc. My size and looks actually bother me a lot less than they would have say 10-20 years ago, it's just the present inconvenience of no longer fitting into my rain gear... and not replacing because difficult to find and expensive.
FOO told me I was fat throughout my childhood, teens and on into my twenties, thirties, forties, although I wasn't. I have very low contact with all of them so no video calls or anything and they haven't seen me for 10 years. I would say my body dysmorphia developed in childhood, I mean how was I meant to know that what my FOO referred to as fat was actually muscle?? I did figure out at some point that my calves were fairly muscular from cycling but as for the rest of my body? It shouldn't have existed is the message I got.
They actually seemed to think I was fat so idk if they had body dysmorphia about me?? idk if that exists? They were ashamed of themselves or me or?? And projected that onto me. Anyway sorry to keep rambling on, but with trauma in your background eating disorder and body dysmorphia are not exactly rare. Maybe you need to figure out how it developed in your case in order to heal? idk.
There is actually a whole Eating Issues board on here https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=234.0. It's maybe a lot to read but could also be interesting to read about others' problems and even some healing too.
#28
Physical Issues / Re: Constantly t i r e d. Shou...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 07:25:14 PMI don't know what is best for you and your body, but do know that healing from trauma can be absolutely exhausting, so if you can fit in time/space for breaks or naps as necessary that could be more useful than adding energy? But idk for sure. Even with cptsd we're all a bit different.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Blueberry - February 17, 2026, 07:17:03 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 17, 2026, 04:35:56 PMThis is a classic example of how something so small and simple can bring up so many CPTSD complications. Not only in the agony of whether or not to press that wretched button, but in the aftermath. Was I right? Protecting myself? Wrong? Mean? Petty? Vindictive? Probably all those things on some level or other. Sigh.
I soooo get that, NK.
fwiw I think you were protecting yourself by not pressing. Then all that buzzing in your brain (EF?), you eventually did press. I react that way too. I get in a quandary, second guess myself and then decide to do whatever after all. I don't know if that's quite how it went down for you but I'm sensing something along those lines. I have read you've been facing a whole load of FOO shenanigans recently and you're making a lot of progress deciding differently now, taking different steps. Pressing that button after all is maybe a little back-step in among all these huge forward steps but it won't stop your forward movement.
#30
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by Kizzie - February 17, 2026, 07:01:07 PMIt is difficult Big Blue, or at least it was for me. I pretty much had to stop myself each time for a long while and figure out if I was other referencing. If I did not feel like I/my needs were being taken into account, either by me or the other person I would make a real effort to pull back inside my body and end the one-sided dialogue ASAP.
When my NM was alive she would talk right over top of me (and I let her because if I didn't she would do the hurt thing) until one day I could see very clearly she was making me invisible in the process and it really hurt every time she did it). I just up and calmly and firmly said something to the effect of "Wait a minute please, I didn't finish what I was saying" and it stopped her cold. The next time she did it I out and out told her she needed to stop talking over top of me, that it was rude and made me feel bad. She was very much taken aback but she finally learned I had boundaries, that I was not just a set of ears put on this earth to listen to her prattle on and on.
A bit of a chuckle - my H is awesome at dealing with people who hog the stage. We had a neighbour some time back who would talk endlessly and had me caught one day. My H just started up the lawnmower near where we were talking and that gave me an out. Can't talk over that!
When my NM was alive she would talk right over top of me (and I let her because if I didn't she would do the hurt thing) until one day I could see very clearly she was making me invisible in the process and it really hurt every time she did it). I just up and calmly and firmly said something to the effect of "Wait a minute please, I didn't finish what I was saying" and it stopped her cold. The next time she did it I out and out told her she needed to stop talking over top of me, that it was rude and made me feel bad. She was very much taken aback but she finally learned I had boundaries, that I was not just a set of ears put on this earth to listen to her prattle on and on.
A bit of a chuckle - my H is awesome at dealing with people who hog the stage. We had a neighbour some time back who would talk endlessly and had me caught one day. My H just started up the lawnmower near where we were talking and that gave me an out. Can't talk over that!