Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Marcine - March 09, 2026, 07:16:02 PMDalloway, my friend.
You wrote,
"I don´t like this story I´ve been told. My reactions are not disproportionate. They are aligned with what I´m going through and experiencing at the moment. There´s nothing untrue about it."
This powerful awareness belongs to you.
No one can take away your truth.
Your voice is beautiful, sister.
You wrote,
"I don´t like this story I´ve been told. My reactions are not disproportionate. They are aligned with what I´m going through and experiencing at the moment. There´s nothing untrue about it."
This powerful awareness belongs to you.
No one can take away your truth.
Your voice is beautiful, sister.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Marcine - March 09, 2026, 07:04:48 PM"New now"
Yes!
Yes!
#23
Self-Help & Recovery / Re: Not being able to ask for ...
Last post by Kizzie - March 09, 2026, 04:31:01 PMSaluki, I wonder if being reluctant to ask him is not only because you need to be fiercely independent, but maybe because you're also afraid of how he will react. And by this I mean it's an in either case I'll be triggered kind of way. If he reacts by helping you are no longer as independent, it feels like you are being dependent and for us that can be quite triggering, especially for you given what you went through with your ex. And if he does something like sigh and get up reluctantly, then he is not the person you think he is - "loving and caring and reasonable and kind" and instead a throw back to your ex.
I can hear the frustration in your post and the sadness about life not being simple and kinder and less confusing and I 'm so sorry you are dealing with that. CPTSD sucks. In my experience understanding why I feel the way I do in certain situations and being compassionate with myself has helped and given me the emotional wherewithal to try to do things differently. Maybe it's what will help you.
I can hear the frustration in your post and the sadness about life not being simple and kinder and less confusing and I 'm so sorry you are dealing with that. CPTSD sucks. In my experience understanding why I feel the way I do in certain situations and being compassionate with myself has helped and given me the emotional wherewithal to try to do things differently. Maybe it's what will help you.
#24
Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Re: Undiagnosed Autistic Mothe...
Last post by Whobuddy - March 09, 2026, 04:15:34 PMThank you for your reply. I have been thinking about it a lot.
My recent discovery of my M's likely Undiagnosed Autism in some ways changes my whole life story and in some ways changes nothing. As you point out: motives may not be conscious. How much were our Ms in control of their motives and actions. If a narcissist cannot act any other way is their behavior actually their fault? Same with BPD and autism.
There is a disconnect between their actions and the damage they did/do to us. Were they purposefully hurtful?
I had previously believed that M's actions were at least partially conscious, at least partially based on something I did, said, didn't do, didn't say but now I am processing that her outbursts and insensitivity were solely a result of overwhelm that she didn't plan nor could she control. And then she didn't remember what she had done - at least not with clarity.
There will always be the fact that she could have made an effort to be a better parent but in her generation that wasn't as much of a thing as it is now. Parents could be mean to their kids and little or no notice was taken.
My recent discovery of my M's likely Undiagnosed Autism in some ways changes my whole life story and in some ways changes nothing. As you point out: motives may not be conscious. How much were our Ms in control of their motives and actions. If a narcissist cannot act any other way is their behavior actually their fault? Same with BPD and autism.
There is a disconnect between their actions and the damage they did/do to us. Were they purposefully hurtful?
I had previously believed that M's actions were at least partially conscious, at least partially based on something I did, said, didn't do, didn't say but now I am processing that her outbursts and insensitivity were solely a result of overwhelm that she didn't plan nor could she control. And then she didn't remember what she had done - at least not with clarity.
There will always be the fact that she could have made an effort to be a better parent but in her generation that wasn't as much of a thing as it is now. Parents could be mean to their kids and little or no notice was taken.
#25
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by Kizzie - March 09, 2026, 04:11:16 PM
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Dalloway - March 09, 2026, 03:47:30 PMMy whole experience is telling me that something´s wrong with me. This has been the narrative all my life. It´s not something that I consciously keep telling to myself. It´s deeper than that. It´s the internalized, inherited, deeply embedded belief that my way of reacting to things, talking about my experience, living in this world is not acceptable. I don´t even know why. I never got an answer or an explanation of what am I doing wrong or not quite right. Nothing. I was never told how to do things right and yet from very early on I knew that I was not doing the right things. It´s so deeply rooted that it took me decades to realize that it might not be true and even now I act most of the time as if it WAS the one universal truth that can´t be questioned. It´s so painful to live like this. To see myself constantly, in every sense and context as a failure. But I can´t help it. I look around and there are too many things that remind me of something I failed doing, achieving, pursuing. So many things I could have done, so much wasted time I can´t get back. It´s hard not to be overwhelmed by the pain of it all. It´s almost impossible to keep hanging in there. You can´t help but drown when there´s nothing you could grab and hold on to.
All my life I´ve been missing compassionate witnesses to my pain and suffering. This is why I keep isolating myself more and more. Every time I try to reach out, I meet with ignorance, misunderstanding or people trying to fix me, at very best. There´s this repeating narrative of my not being okay or being something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. People are trying to give me advice that doesn´t resonate or try to talk me out of feeling this way. It never lands, just reinforces the notion that a) there´s indeed something wrong with me and b) people will never ever understand or see me. Pathologizing my lived experience is denying my very sense of self, everything I am, my core being, my whole life. I am not nature´s mistake and neither is my life. I was being hurt, physically and emotionally, and in a sense I continue to be by the burden I´m carrying. My existence is not a mishap and my reactions are not pathological. They are the reason I´m still here, surviving.
I´m tired of having to explain myself to the world and of having to feel different. I´m not the odd one out. I´m not ill. Whoever the * is trying to convince us that we are, is so wrong. I am perfectly healthy. Show me one trait of mine or reaction that wasn´t perfectly valid and understandable in the context of what I was going through and I will declare my illness proudly. What if I was perfectly normal all along? What would happen if the world stopped looking at us as if we weren´t? I´m tired of carrying the burden of literally everything in the world.
From the very beginning of my life I received a clear message: I am not good/acceptable/tolerable the way I am. How I feel, what I think, what I do, how I do it, how I don´t, is just simply wrong. I don´t know what´s going on but I don´t like this story I´ve been told. My reactions are not disproportionate. They are aligned with what I´m going through and experiencing at the moment. There´s nothing untrue about it.
No one ever told me that what I was experiencing and how I was reacting, was perfectly normal and understandable. Instead I´ve been told that I´m different, not meeting the criteria and the norms or I was just simply made to feel that way. This behavior was further shaming and invalidating me. I don´t want to believe that anymore. I don´t want to believe that my experience is not real or that it´s abnormal.
All my life I´ve been missing compassionate witnesses to my pain and suffering. This is why I keep isolating myself more and more. Every time I try to reach out, I meet with ignorance, misunderstanding or people trying to fix me, at very best. There´s this repeating narrative of my not being okay or being something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. People are trying to give me advice that doesn´t resonate or try to talk me out of feeling this way. It never lands, just reinforces the notion that a) there´s indeed something wrong with me and b) people will never ever understand or see me. Pathologizing my lived experience is denying my very sense of self, everything I am, my core being, my whole life. I am not nature´s mistake and neither is my life. I was being hurt, physically and emotionally, and in a sense I continue to be by the burden I´m carrying. My existence is not a mishap and my reactions are not pathological. They are the reason I´m still here, surviving.
I´m tired of having to explain myself to the world and of having to feel different. I´m not the odd one out. I´m not ill. Whoever the * is trying to convince us that we are, is so wrong. I am perfectly healthy. Show me one trait of mine or reaction that wasn´t perfectly valid and understandable in the context of what I was going through and I will declare my illness proudly. What if I was perfectly normal all along? What would happen if the world stopped looking at us as if we weren´t? I´m tired of carrying the burden of literally everything in the world.
From the very beginning of my life I received a clear message: I am not good/acceptable/tolerable the way I am. How I feel, what I think, what I do, how I do it, how I don´t, is just simply wrong. I don´t know what´s going on but I don´t like this story I´ve been told. My reactions are not disproportionate. They are aligned with what I´m going through and experiencing at the moment. There´s nothing untrue about it.
No one ever told me that what I was experiencing and how I was reacting, was perfectly normal and understandable. Instead I´ve been told that I´m different, not meeting the criteria and the norms or I was just simply made to feel that way. This behavior was further shaming and invalidating me. I don´t want to believe that anymore. I don´t want to believe that my experience is not real or that it´s abnormal.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 09, 2026, 03:43:02 PMTBB, thanks for your thoughtful post. it's amazing, isn't it, how easily/quickly we can go to a place we didn't expect, but it can be so difficult to leave it. as far as clarity and calm, i didn't recognize that, but thank you for doing so and mentioning it. that kind of thing seems quite automatic to me - get into a tight spot, figure out what needs to be done to get out of it and what's needed not to get into it again. i think i've had a lot of practice w/ that in my life, so i never recognized it as something to be recognized! i appreciate you pointing that out.
thank you, as always, for your support, NK. much appreciated.
seems that for several weeks now that 'shift' that i've felt has taken hold and is doing its thing in a good way. i seem to have more energy, less exhaustion, and very much less feeling miserable. don't know exactly why or how this has happened, but it seems like something that hasn't happened before, not since i began feeling sick-y most of the time. this feels rare but good and i'm trying not to look at it as waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of thing, but just go with it as if it's simply my new now, rather than a tiny break from my old then.
therapy today. i may talk to my T about this, see if she has any thoughts. i know she's really scared of pushing me, so doesn't want to do too much. i also want to talk to her about my yearning to be taken care of.
thank you, as always, for your support, NK. much appreciated.
seems that for several weeks now that 'shift' that i've felt has taken hold and is doing its thing in a good way. i seem to have more energy, less exhaustion, and very much less feeling miserable. don't know exactly why or how this has happened, but it seems like something that hasn't happened before, not since i began feeling sick-y most of the time. this feels rare but good and i'm trying not to look at it as waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of thing, but just go with it as if it's simply my new now, rather than a tiny break from my old then.
therapy today. i may talk to my T about this, see if she has any thoughts. i know she's really scared of pushing me, so doesn't want to do too much. i also want to talk to her about my yearning to be taken care of.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 09, 2026, 03:32:44 PMhope you had a lovely time w/ your friends, blueberry.
and yes! yay! for your mastery over the dishwasher. well done! just fyi, i use mine for storage - have never liked the things, used them a couple times in the past but they just never did it for me. but i think it's wonderful that you are now able to use it. you've worked hard to be able to do that.
keep it up! love and hugs
and
yes! yay! for your mastery over the dishwasher. well done! just fyi, i use mine for storage - have never liked the things, used them a couple times in the past but they just never did it for me. but i think it's wonderful that you are now able to use it. you've worked hard to be able to do that.keep it up! love and hugs
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - March 09, 2026, 12:13:43 PMHannah, if you do Facebook I can, if you are interested, link you to a very supportive private art community page. It has just been set up by 2 tutors from an online site that I totally loved. The site owners overreached themselves and have gone bust which is a big shame as there were loads of wonderful tutorials on there that have gone to waste. But the tutors were supportive and responsive and the community is lovely. The tutors are not teaching on there, but they are offering feedback on work. Anyway, you could join and take a look even if you decide it's not for you and never share anything on there. Drop me a PM if that appeals and I will link you to the page.
I think you are doing really well with your goals. 
I think you are doing really well with your goals.