Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 29, 2026, 01:45:33 PMWell done for recognising what you needed and rescheduling the meeting with the housing agency.
As to the support group - I hope you are able to attend the three test meetings. Although you are likely correct in thinking that you are a good fit, to me it bodes well that they are being very careful about letting you in. They have an existing group to protect, after all, and it is also good that they are concerning themselves with what support system you might have, even though you are not part of the group yet. I have not been to an in person group but I have experience of an OOTS zoom group. It was very hard and scary for all of us when we started the group. That much is obvious, of course. But we had quite a big hurdle when a group member left and there was a space for one more. Because the existing group felt a lot of conflict. On the one hand we of course wanted to be able to help other members and let someone into the group. On the other hand there was a very real fear that the group dynamic would be heavily disrupted. I think we all felt it would be temporarily disrupted - how could it not? But the fear was that there would be a permanent shift and maybe existing members would not feel safe any more. We did not want any new member to feel they had inadvertently made someone feel unsafe. Lots to think about. I think because we gave it so much thought, and took our time about admitting a new member, it worked out as well as it possibly could have done. Because it was an OOTS group we had the benefit of seeing the post history of the person who wanted to join, which helped. I am sure you are fully aware of all these considerations on the other side of the fence. But I wanted to type them here just in case there is a small part of you feeling rejected because you felt an instant "yes" and they didn't.
As to the support group - I hope you are able to attend the three test meetings. Although you are likely correct in thinking that you are a good fit, to me it bodes well that they are being very careful about letting you in. They have an existing group to protect, after all, and it is also good that they are concerning themselves with what support system you might have, even though you are not part of the group yet. I have not been to an in person group but I have experience of an OOTS zoom group. It was very hard and scary for all of us when we started the group. That much is obvious, of course. But we had quite a big hurdle when a group member left and there was a space for one more. Because the existing group felt a lot of conflict. On the one hand we of course wanted to be able to help other members and let someone into the group. On the other hand there was a very real fear that the group dynamic would be heavily disrupted. I think we all felt it would be temporarily disrupted - how could it not? But the fear was that there would be a permanent shift and maybe existing members would not feel safe any more. We did not want any new member to feel they had inadvertently made someone feel unsafe. Lots to think about. I think because we gave it so much thought, and took our time about admitting a new member, it worked out as well as it possibly could have done. Because it was an OOTS group we had the benefit of seeing the post history of the person who wanted to join, which helped. I am sure you are fully aware of all these considerations on the other side of the fence. But I wanted to type them here just in case there is a small part of you feeling rejected because you felt an instant "yes" and they didn't.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 29, 2026, 12:32:25 PMTheBigBlue, HannahOne, Chart, NarcKiddo, sanmagic7, Desert Flower
Thank you very much for your support and for reading! Right on Chart!
Important day yesterday. Woke up quite dysregulated. Couldn't really regulate. Two important appointments that day. The first with the housing agency with regards to the noise issue from other tenants. I was totally ready for that before it got rescheduled. Yesterday, I wasn't.
First I went for a run, in the hope of shedding some stress and sleep funk. The run went better than it did the past month or so. That was nice to notice. The stress and sleep funk didn't leave me alone though. The more I thought about the appointment, the less I felt up for it. The stress was increasing and I drifted into overwhelm waters. Not good. After some wrestling with it, it occurred to me that I had the option to propose to reschedule. I could definitively go to the appointment, but the other one was much more important to me, and I didn't want to mess it up with this one. So finally I made the decision to cancel. It felt like the right thing to do when I allowed myself to have that option. I called and was put on hold. I wasn't going to wait indefinitely and only gave it a minute or so. That's out of character for me. I switched to e-mailing, which isn't ideal a few hours before the appointment. But I stopped caring about how it would be received. Out of character, again. I briefly explained that I have a sleep disorder and aren't in a good space at the moment, asking to reschedule. Nothing overly dramatic or explanatory. Still honest. As soon as I had sent it, it was no longer my problem, no matter the reception.
The other appointment was a zoom call with two people from the local CPTSD support group I hope to join. I was pretty nervous for that. It felt like a lot was at stake there for me. A while ago I had sent them an e-mail in which I introduced myself. I had expected that they thought I would be a good match for the group, but I got a reply which surprised me a bit. They had leads that I was, and also a few that I may not be a match for the group. As per normal procedure, they proposed to have a zoom call to figure this out together. Their hesitation had immediately triggered despair, even though I understood that I either am or ain't a fit for the group, they didn't refuse me, and this is normal procedure for them. It should match both ways too. Fair enough. But it was a pretty significant trigger for me. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys to bits and this community is dear to my heart. But in person meetings are different from online communication. I'd have two a month with this group.
I was a lot more nervous than I thought I would be during the call. After a while, my whole body began to tremble. I had involuntary muscle contractions all over. This is something that began happening sometimes several years ago. Usually when I'm interacting with people and revealing things about myself. Mostly in situations where I feel safe enough, but not entirely safe either. I used to be able to keep all of that stress hidden inside. For decades. That isn't an option anymore. It's probably for the better, but it does make me feel exposed and vulnerable. And it makes it harder to concentrate and be present. That went well enough, considering my somatic response. The two people were very kind and open, and I think I did a relatively okay job giving them an impression of who I am. I was pretty chaotic, but I think I managed to communicate the most important things and take away some of the concerns they had. The latter seemed to be mainly about my support system, and having to do a bit of traveling to and from the meetings. I see no issues there myself, but it's a good sign they are taking this into account. The two people came across really professional, despite it being entirely a non-professional self-help group. We're going to let it rest for a couple of days and e-mail how we think about it. I already know this isn't going to change for me. It's a clear yes.
If we all agree, I'll be attending three group meetings to test the waters irl, after which we can all really know if I'm a match. So a lot of caution built in, which speaks for them. I have a lot of experience with support groups and group therapy. I'd be surprised if this wouldn't work out. But there aren't any guarantees, off course. I don't think I'll get rid of all my nerves around this until I know if I can or can't attend the first three meetings.
Thank you very much for your support and for reading! Right on Chart!
Important day yesterday. Woke up quite dysregulated. Couldn't really regulate. Two important appointments that day. The first with the housing agency with regards to the noise issue from other tenants. I was totally ready for that before it got rescheduled. Yesterday, I wasn't.
First I went for a run, in the hope of shedding some stress and sleep funk. The run went better than it did the past month or so. That was nice to notice. The stress and sleep funk didn't leave me alone though. The more I thought about the appointment, the less I felt up for it. The stress was increasing and I drifted into overwhelm waters. Not good. After some wrestling with it, it occurred to me that I had the option to propose to reschedule. I could definitively go to the appointment, but the other one was much more important to me, and I didn't want to mess it up with this one. So finally I made the decision to cancel. It felt like the right thing to do when I allowed myself to have that option. I called and was put on hold. I wasn't going to wait indefinitely and only gave it a minute or so. That's out of character for me. I switched to e-mailing, which isn't ideal a few hours before the appointment. But I stopped caring about how it would be received. Out of character, again. I briefly explained that I have a sleep disorder and aren't in a good space at the moment, asking to reschedule. Nothing overly dramatic or explanatory. Still honest. As soon as I had sent it, it was no longer my problem, no matter the reception.
The other appointment was a zoom call with two people from the local CPTSD support group I hope to join. I was pretty nervous for that. It felt like a lot was at stake there for me. A while ago I had sent them an e-mail in which I introduced myself. I had expected that they thought I would be a good match for the group, but I got a reply which surprised me a bit. They had leads that I was, and also a few that I may not be a match for the group. As per normal procedure, they proposed to have a zoom call to figure this out together. Their hesitation had immediately triggered despair, even though I understood that I either am or ain't a fit for the group, they didn't refuse me, and this is normal procedure for them. It should match both ways too. Fair enough. But it was a pretty significant trigger for me. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys to bits and this community is dear to my heart. But in person meetings are different from online communication. I'd have two a month with this group.
I was a lot more nervous than I thought I would be during the call. After a while, my whole body began to tremble. I had involuntary muscle contractions all over. This is something that began happening sometimes several years ago. Usually when I'm interacting with people and revealing things about myself. Mostly in situations where I feel safe enough, but not entirely safe either. I used to be able to keep all of that stress hidden inside. For decades. That isn't an option anymore. It's probably for the better, but it does make me feel exposed and vulnerable. And it makes it harder to concentrate and be present. That went well enough, considering my somatic response. The two people were very kind and open, and I think I did a relatively okay job giving them an impression of who I am. I was pretty chaotic, but I think I managed to communicate the most important things and take away some of the concerns they had. The latter seemed to be mainly about my support system, and having to do a bit of traveling to and from the meetings. I see no issues there myself, but it's a good sign they are taking this into account. The two people came across really professional, despite it being entirely a non-professional self-help group. We're going to let it rest for a couple of days and e-mail how we think about it. I already know this isn't going to change for me. It's a clear yes.
If we all agree, I'll be attending three group meetings to test the waters irl, after which we can all really know if I'm a match. So a lot of caution built in, which speaks for them. I have a lot of experience with support groups and group therapy. I'd be surprised if this wouldn't work out. But there aren't any guarantees, off course. I don't think I'll get rid of all my nerves around this until I know if I can or can't attend the first three meetings.
#23
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by Teddy bear - January 29, 2026, 12:23:48 PMHi Pelicantown,
I can relate to what you're saying, though my life isn't perfect now. But I do have a dog now — my first ever! 🦮 She's my main therapist ☺️.
I sometimes think back to when I was travelling the world: eating street food, swimming in the ocean, seeing volcanoes, crossing the Andes... those kinds of adventures.
It makes me a bit sad, knowing I probably won't have chances to travel like that again for a few years.
Another factor is that I'm still on a neuroleptic, so the numbness I feel might be coming from that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on pleasurable and healthy things — keeping up with my diet, staying active, enjoying my hobbies, and so on.
I can relate to what you're saying, though my life isn't perfect now. But I do have a dog now — my first ever! 🦮 She's my main therapist ☺️.
I sometimes think back to when I was travelling the world: eating street food, swimming in the ocean, seeing volcanoes, crossing the Andes... those kinds of adventures.
It makes me a bit sad, knowing I probably won't have chances to travel like that again for a few years.
Another factor is that I'm still on a neuroleptic, so the numbness I feel might be coming from that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on pleasurable and healthy things — keeping up with my diet, staying active, enjoying my hobbies, and so on.
#24
Depression / Re: Back to black
Last post by Chart - January 29, 2026, 11:42:34 AMQuote from: Rizzo on September 12, 2024, 01:35:00 PMI feel like sometimes getting out of bed is the hardest task there is.I know this thread goes quite aways back... right around the time I joined this Forum. That too triggers me a little. I'm wondering how much progress I've actually made, cause that quote from Rizzo really hit me. I feel like I'm lugging a palette of bricks every morning I try to get out of bed... still...
Hope you are doing well, Dina... and everyone, everywhere, trying to unload ourselves of the bricks of our trauma...
#25
Depression / Re: Feeling depressed
Last post by Chart - January 29, 2026, 11:29:42 AMA little late, but I hope some hugs are okay...
#26
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by Chart - January 29, 2026, 11:24:05 AMInteresting, Pelicantown and everyone. I guess Cptsd encompasses all types. I have had many positive emotional experiences in my life. I swing back and forth, from general intense sadness/depression to about three days a month feeling quite good and then pushing that limit with something exciting and adventurous. My objective is to pull these massive emotional swings down to a more reasonable middle, especially the deep sadness. I would like to shift the "average" and slide the scale more towards the positive. I don't usually go manic. When I do I usually get myself in trouble or do something inappropriate. That swing has calmed a lot over the past six years.
I'm sorry to disagree with you, LucasLu. My personal experience with therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists has been a total zero in effecting emotional change or stabilization. And I've seen quite a boat-load in my life. Nope, therapy for me has been a relative dead-end in effecting the deep neuronal change that I know needs to happen to pull me upwards towards a more stable and regulated nervous system state. I've had some pretty empathic therapists, and that feels good, but talk-therapy to change my brain..? personally I've never experienced it, and often quite the reverse. But that's just me.
Hugs all around if everyone's ok with that.
:-)
I'm sorry to disagree with you, LucasLu. My personal experience with therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists has been a total zero in effecting emotional change or stabilization. And I've seen quite a boat-load in my life. Nope, therapy for me has been a relative dead-end in effecting the deep neuronal change that I know needs to happen to pull me upwards towards a more stable and regulated nervous system state. I've had some pretty empathic therapists, and that feels good, but talk-therapy to change my brain..? personally I've never experienced it, and often quite the reverse. But that's just me.
Hugs all around if everyone's ok with that.
:-)
#27
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by LucasLu - January 29, 2026, 09:33:53 AMI suggest you discuss this matter with a professional psychologist. It could be somatic numbness or impaired emotional empathy. Based on my personal experience, you should not only seek individual counseling but may also require couples counseling later on. The reduction in your emotional responsiveness might make it difficult for you to empathize with your partner at times, which could potentially affect the intimacy between you.
#28
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 28, 2026, 10:17:45 PMGlad you like the term! Welcome to this cursed club 
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by HannahOne - January 28, 2026, 09:24:32 PMI was rereading and saw the assertion of self--- "I do." That clarity is important. And the courage to act on it.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 28, 2026, 09:23:02 PMI'm sorry about the picture. If you search "Bugs Bunny saying No" it will come up and I find it so funny! 
NO.
SenseOrgan I really appreciated your response. Yes," knowing the other person has a good intention doesn't prevent the response" I have. I'm so frustrated with myself about this. It's happening everywhere right now. I feel self-hatred. And I know that's another part. Part of me acquiesces, another part objects and criticizes me for acquiescing. The self-hatred was actually trying to preserve my sense of self and self-respect by objecting to fawning, by reminding me I was not only an object for the use of other people. The self-hatred is intense! Thanks all parts, I guess. LOL.
I'm struggling to find my intuition. When I look inside I feel like there's nothing. I know that's not true and I haven't felt that way in the past. I think that I am quieting and calming a lot of internal noise, which is great. And, I was very identified with the noise, stories, inner conflict, waves of feelings. So with all of that quieter, I feel .... quiet It feels like "nothing." I have to wait for my intuition or instincts to come into awareness, they're quieter than the fears. But I did smack into it! NOT tea. WATER. My Self is the one who has preferences. You dont have preferences in a war zone. But I'm not in a war zone. I can have preferences. I can have boundaries. I can have water, or tea, I can make a morning routine or not. If I focus on what I want for myself, I feel my self come more into presence, I can feel there's "something" in there. If I'm focused on what the other person thinks or wants, I look inside and feel there's "nothing." As you said, "I erase myself."
Chart, I loved what you said "For me, the whole idea of therapy is to simply find these limits and bring them into consciousness." I guess that's what happened. I didn't realize I had such strong preferences about drinks in the morning... and that I had a different agenda in that moment... some more passive part of me had taken over and I was just along for the ride, sure, morning routine, uh huh uh huh, until I had to make a few decisions and realized WAIT A MINUTE I don't even want to be doing this! LOL. Limit firmly brought into consciousness!
NO. SenseOrgan I really appreciated your response. Yes," knowing the other person has a good intention doesn't prevent the response" I have. I'm so frustrated with myself about this. It's happening everywhere right now. I feel self-hatred. And I know that's another part. Part of me acquiesces, another part objects and criticizes me for acquiescing. The self-hatred was actually trying to preserve my sense of self and self-respect by objecting to fawning, by reminding me I was not only an object for the use of other people. The self-hatred is intense! Thanks all parts, I guess. LOL.
I'm struggling to find my intuition. When I look inside I feel like there's nothing. I know that's not true and I haven't felt that way in the past. I think that I am quieting and calming a lot of internal noise, which is great. And, I was very identified with the noise, stories, inner conflict, waves of feelings. So with all of that quieter, I feel .... quiet
It feels like "nothing." I have to wait for my intuition or instincts to come into awareness, they're quieter than the fears. But I did smack into it! NOT tea. WATER. My Self is the one who has preferences. You dont have preferences in a war zone. But I'm not in a war zone. I can have preferences. I can have boundaries. I can have water, or tea, I can make a morning routine or not. If I focus on what I want for myself, I feel my self come more into presence, I can feel there's "something" in there. If I'm focused on what the other person thinks or wants, I look inside and feel there's "nothing." As you said, "I erase myself." Chart, I loved what you said "For me, the whole idea of therapy is to simply find these limits and bring them into consciousness." I guess that's what happened. I didn't realize I had such strong preferences about drinks in the morning... and that I had a different agenda in that moment... some more passive part of me had taken over and I was just along for the ride, sure, morning routine, uh huh uh huh, until I had to make a few decisions and realized WAIT A MINUTE I don't even want to be doing this! LOL. Limit firmly brought into consciousness!