Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 24, 2026, 02:15:53 PMIt's good to notice changes and watch cautiously rather than jumping to a conclusion in any direction. But the shift does sound like it is a good direction which is great news. I hope you enjoy the luncheon today.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 24, 2026, 01:53:03 PMfeeling pretty good today. there seems to be a shift that has happened, and i'm not sure about it yet. w/ all that happened the past 2 weeks, my level of exhaustion has not been where i expected it to be - much lower - and after everything w/ my therapy breakdown and my D being sick, and me running around, chores, errands, driving here and there to pick up medicine and such for her, cooking, (that's a biggie) to make it easier for her, i did not get stress flu. very unusual, and something that hasn't happened in a very long time. i'm not sure about this yet, just cautiously watching myself. it feels different, tho.
today is the girls' luncheon. we'll see how that goes. haven't done something like this is many ages, especially w/ there being someone present who i don't know.
today is the girls' luncheon. we'll see how that goes. haven't done something like this is many ages, especially w/ there being someone present who i don't know.
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 24, 2026, 01:47:41 PMhey, hannah1, as to your question 'whose fault is it?', i'd always say it's not the victim's fault. we've been victims of others' behaviors, examples, words - not saying we have stayed in the victim mode - and the victim is not to blame. blame and shame and guilt all belong to the perpetrator(s). we've acted in a way always to protect ourselves from further harm. even if it was a passive stance, such as fawning or freezing, it was an action we undertook to keep ourselves safe. that's my take on it anyway.
also, the way i see it, our feelings (i learned this somewhere along the way, and it made sense to me) are directed by our experiences. if we've experienced love, we feel love, we can give love, we can accept love. if we were shamed, if shame was put on us by others for our actions, words, thoughts, whatever, we adopted it as part of ourselves, even tho it wasn't ours to begin with. we had no choice - we had to live w/ the people who shamed us so to make ourselves more worthy of their care, we brought it into ourselves as a way, once again, to protect ourselves.
didn't i once hear that shame comes from conscience? that people w/o a conscience don't feel shame? or guilt, for that matter? but if we were manipulated w/ shame/guilt and it was equated to us being 'bad', we didn't have the logic, perspective, knowledge about ourselves as humans to say 'NO'! i think there is a natural shame built into us, like when we begin being aware of our bodies and don't want them to be on display. that's an instinctual boundary, tho, isn't it? not as a way to think of ourselves as bad, somehow, but to protect our rights to our own bodies.
there's so much here, and i just rambled some of the stuff i've heard about these things, that make sense to me. if this doesn't sit well with you, please let me know. love and hugs
also, the way i see it, our feelings (i learned this somewhere along the way, and it made sense to me) are directed by our experiences. if we've experienced love, we feel love, we can give love, we can accept love. if we were shamed, if shame was put on us by others for our actions, words, thoughts, whatever, we adopted it as part of ourselves, even tho it wasn't ours to begin with. we had no choice - we had to live w/ the people who shamed us so to make ourselves more worthy of their care, we brought it into ourselves as a way, once again, to protect ourselves.
didn't i once hear that shame comes from conscience? that people w/o a conscience don't feel shame? or guilt, for that matter? but if we were manipulated w/ shame/guilt and it was equated to us being 'bad', we didn't have the logic, perspective, knowledge about ourselves as humans to say 'NO'! i think there is a natural shame built into us, like when we begin being aware of our bodies and don't want them to be on display. that's an instinctual boundary, tho, isn't it? not as a way to think of ourselves as bad, somehow, but to protect our rights to our own bodies.
there's so much here, and i just rambled some of the stuff i've heard about these things, that make sense to me. if this doesn't sit well with you, please let me know. love and hugs
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 24, 2026, 01:24:11 PMi agree w/ hannah1 - you gave the original idea to your M, now it's hers to do with as she thinks best. i had a good friend who once told me there were 2 problems between people - one is there's, the other is yours. and if we sort out which is which, we can live a healthier life (or words to that effect). i've found that philosophy extremely helpful at times when stuck w/ thinking i had to fix someone else's problem. nope, it's not mine to fix, and what a relief that was.
just some thoughts. i hope you can continue to know and hold your boundaries, NK. you're on your way. love and hugs
just some thoughts. i hope you can continue to know and hold your boundaries, NK. you're on your way. love and hugs
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 24, 2026, 12:46:21 PM Mom brought me down to the school and urged them to take me in at age 4. She demonstrated that I was far too precocious to be sitting at home. She had me demonstrate mastery of all the things they teach in kindergarten. Numbers, shapes, colors, etc. I knew my street address, home phone number, My mom and grandmother's full names, etc. Then she pulled off her favorite party trick: She'd pull out a book from her purse, open it to a random page, and have me read it aloud.
On this day it was "A Day No Pigs Would Die".
The school relented on the grounds that while I was too young to enroll, I technically would be old enough before the end of the school year.
I realize now that part of her motivation to get me in school was to get me out of her hair. Which I mainly wasn't anyway.
My grandmother did most of the heavy lifting back then. My mom was mostly asleep. I spent all day exploring the neighborhood, visiting with the neighbors, playing outside or in the basement.
I would only come home for lunch and when the streetlights were on. I wasn't a burden to begin with, but even *that* was too much for her! I was too noisy and too much of a hassle and really should be in school at that time of day.
On this day it was "A Day No Pigs Would Die".
The school relented on the grounds that while I was too young to enroll, I technically would be old enough before the end of the school year.
I realize now that part of her motivation to get me in school was to get me out of her hair. Which I mainly wasn't anyway.
My grandmother did most of the heavy lifting back then. My mom was mostly asleep. I spent all day exploring the neighborhood, visiting with the neighbors, playing outside or in the basement.
I would only come home for lunch and when the streetlights were on. I wasn't a burden to begin with, but even *that* was too much for her! I was too noisy and too much of a hassle and really should be in school at that time of day.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 24, 2026, 12:27:22 PM All the pieces are falling into place.
The strange man in the cowboy hat at the door in the motel. He brought mom food and news. Fast food in a bag, only enough for two. Probably McDonald's but I'm not certain. "He's still looking for you".
She was very deliberate to not let us see him or him see us, but I caught a glimpse.
That had to be her other husband.
And my dad... I don't know where he was, but I *do* know that he had an alias and was a bigamist himself. I have more research to do to pin that down.
Wherever he was, he wasn't home. Miss Pat would call home and never get an answer and then take it out on us.
I always wondered who called CYS. I always assumed it was a neighbor who could hear her yelling, hitting, and us crying. But now I think it's more likely it was her.
So that's it. Our mom cared enough to bring us with her when she fled, but not enough to keep us when forced to choose between us and her other family. She absolutely 100% abandoned us. Didn't even have the decency to drop us off at a church orphanage or with my grandparents or something.
And then when her husband kicked her out, suddenly we became important enough to track down. How completely selfish of her! She should've left us where we were. Our foster families were better.
The custody battle for my sister dragged on for years and she should have lost. Even my dad testified on behalf of the foster family at the hearing. My mother was unfit, but she won custody anyway.
It reads like a bad Victorian horror story.
I have an appointment with my T today. We have a lot to talk about.
The strange man in the cowboy hat at the door in the motel. He brought mom food and news. Fast food in a bag, only enough for two. Probably McDonald's but I'm not certain. "He's still looking for you".
She was very deliberate to not let us see him or him see us, but I caught a glimpse.
That had to be her other husband.
And my dad... I don't know where he was, but I *do* know that he had an alias and was a bigamist himself. I have more research to do to pin that down.
Wherever he was, he wasn't home. Miss Pat would call home and never get an answer and then take it out on us.
I always wondered who called CYS. I always assumed it was a neighbor who could hear her yelling, hitting, and us crying. But now I think it's more likely it was her.
So that's it. Our mom cared enough to bring us with her when she fled, but not enough to keep us when forced to choose between us and her other family. She absolutely 100% abandoned us. Didn't even have the decency to drop us off at a church orphanage or with my grandparents or something.
And then when her husband kicked her out, suddenly we became important enough to track down. How completely selfish of her! She should've left us where we were. Our foster families were better.
The custody battle for my sister dragged on for years and she should have lost. Even my dad testified on behalf of the foster family at the hearing. My mother was unfit, but she won custody anyway.
It reads like a bad Victorian horror story.
I have an appointment with my T today. We have a lot to talk about.
#27
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 24, 2026, 10:35:15 AM
Welcome.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 24, 2026, 10:27:52 AMWow. That's quite a discovery to process. 
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 24, 2026, 05:05:22 AM I started this thread with a comment about feeling like an "imposter".
I officially rescind that. The cruel punchline is that this story, horrifying and shocking as it is, isn't the "bad part". It's just the preamble. Things would get MUCH worse later on.
Yeah, this is where I'm supposed to be.
Best,
-Slashy
I officially rescind that. The cruel punchline is that this story, horrifying and shocking as it is, isn't the "bad part". It's just the preamble. Things would get MUCH worse later on.
Yeah, this is where I'm supposed to be.
Best,
-Slashy
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 24, 2026, 02:54:03 AM