Recent posts
#21
Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Undiagnosed Autistic Mother?
Last post by Whobuddy - March 06, 2026, 02:34:39 PMI have been a member of OOTS since 2015 but I haven't posted for years. Looks like a whole new crew here now, of course. Hi to all and especially Kizzie and anyone else who might remember me.
I wanted to post today because I don't know where else to turn. I had determined that I have CPTSD over 12 years ago and began my healing journey. My parents have passed and also one of my two sisters so I don't have family to discuss this with.
Through a ton of reading and research the best I could figure was that my mother was BPD but none of the PDs seemed to fit her exactly.
Recently, I learned about the symptoms of autism and I can see her plainly in almost the entire list. What I thought was emotional neglect may well have been an autistic lack of empathy, lack of appropriate social skills such as eye contact, facial expression, and conversational skills. I thought she was ignoring me.
Her random tantrums which were usually aimed at me were likely autistic meltdowns when she felt overwhelmed.
I grew up frightened of her and I tried to make myself invisible so she wouldn't attack me. So the abuse was real. But her motives are so very different from what I thought.
It seems that autistic people are not usually violent toward others so there may have been a comorbidity also.
I can't find any information about growing up with an undiagnosed, untreated autistic parent. So I was wondering if anyone here has had a similar experience or just wants to comment on this. I would love to hear from you.
I wanted to post today because I don't know where else to turn. I had determined that I have CPTSD over 12 years ago and began my healing journey. My parents have passed and also one of my two sisters so I don't have family to discuss this with.
Through a ton of reading and research the best I could figure was that my mother was BPD but none of the PDs seemed to fit her exactly.
Recently, I learned about the symptoms of autism and I can see her plainly in almost the entire list. What I thought was emotional neglect may well have been an autistic lack of empathy, lack of appropriate social skills such as eye contact, facial expression, and conversational skills. I thought she was ignoring me.
Her random tantrums which were usually aimed at me were likely autistic meltdowns when she felt overwhelmed.
I grew up frightened of her and I tried to make myself invisible so she wouldn't attack me. So the abuse was real. But her motives are so very different from what I thought.
It seems that autistic people are not usually violent toward others so there may have been a comorbidity also.
I can't find any information about growing up with an undiagnosed, untreated autistic parent. So I was wondering if anyone here has had a similar experience or just wants to comment on this. I would love to hear from you.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 06, 2026, 01:59:37 PMi realized that the idea of wanting someone to take care of me must come from not having that feeling from a very young age, and i want to ask my T about that, see if there's anything we can do to mend that. it feels like a rift in my being. on the one hand i've taken care of myself my entire life, getting very little in the way of support or healthy/helpful encouragement from my folks or, later on, from significant others in my life. i've done some remarkable things, some of which are very adult, yet that statement came out and i could feel myself regressed as i said it to her.
so, i'm guessing there needs some mending to be done. a rift. the more i play w/ that word for this, the more it feels right. a tear in my personality. no, i can't picture a chasm, that's too big for this. a rift feels right.
so, i'm guessing there needs some mending to be done. a rift. the more i play w/ that word for this, the more it feels right. a tear in my personality. no, i can't picture a chasm, that's too big for this. a rift feels right.
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 06, 2026, 01:52:37 PMholey schmoley, hannah1, soooo much! congrats to you for either beginning things, finishing things, or having a direction to go to for more things to do. very impressive! best to you with all of this. i think it's amazing! love and hugs 
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 06, 2026, 01:47:56 PMhey, PC, i'm glad for the shift as well. simply a better sense of being, more energy somehow, i don't know, but i wrote about feeling that shift a week or so ago in my journal. maybe it's a shared something that's hit us all at the same time. maybe it's as you say a deflection of the chaos that is the world today. maybe we've had so much of our own stuff to deal w/ that the rest of it is overload so we've just decided to power down for a bit. maybe it's simply a shift w/in us cuz we have been working hard at this and we are now reaping the fruits of our efforts. i don't know, but i like it.
since i was 15, suicide has always seemed like a problem solver to me, something to either make my parents sit up and acknowledge me or just, like you say, to get out from under the overwhelm, the great amounts of pain we've carried for so long that we just can't bear anymore, rather than simply a wish to die. i'm glad you've had that turned around for you.
NK, a side note - i've also heard those reports, read about the kids that died because of them. it may be that age difference, an interpretation by an unformed mind, that causes those kids to get something different out of their AI chats than what PC has gotten. i don't know, just guessing, but i'm leery of kids and the internet to begin with, and this just adds another highly elevated level to that. my opinion only. and a pretty biased one at that!
PC, i'm glad for you to find anything that helps, especially when it can change a neg. perspective into something more positive for you. you so deserve that. love and hugs
since i was 15, suicide has always seemed like a problem solver to me, something to either make my parents sit up and acknowledge me or just, like you say, to get out from under the overwhelm, the great amounts of pain we've carried for so long that we just can't bear anymore, rather than simply a wish to die. i'm glad you've had that turned around for you.
NK, a side note - i've also heard those reports, read about the kids that died because of them. it may be that age difference, an interpretation by an unformed mind, that causes those kids to get something different out of their AI chats than what PC has gotten. i don't know, just guessing, but i'm leery of kids and the internet to begin with, and this just adds another highly elevated level to that. my opinion only. and a pretty biased one at that!
PC, i'm glad for you to find anything that helps, especially when it can change a neg. perspective into something more positive for you. you so deserve that. love and hugs
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 06, 2026, 01:31:48 PMwell, i agree w/ you, blueberry, about the debilitating part. however, even as you mention 'well, you did this and that so you *should* be able to do that and this, i know there's really no connection there. just cuz we manage one thing doesn't mean we have the will, energy, or mindspace to do something different. just before coming here i did my door stretches, and as i'm writing, i'm wiggling my feet. lol! doesn't mean i'll go out and walk today. that wish is flying away from me right now. we'll see about later.
good luck getting to your cancer screening eventually. i don't know how important you think it is, or if it's of any interest to you, but i do know even those reasons aren't always enough to motivate us to go do it. a lot of times those things feel like work to me, and i'm just not up for it. you've got my support whatever you decide. love and hugs
good luck getting to your cancer screening eventually. i don't know how important you think it is, or if it's of any interest to you, but i do know even those reasons aren't always enough to motivate us to go do it. a lot of times those things feel like work to me, and i'm just not up for it. you've got my support whatever you decide. love and hugs
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - March 06, 2026, 01:00:14 PMI don't know how much of this needs to get the "spoiler" treatment. So out of an abundance of caution I will block all of it. Trigger warning.
I almost got into an altercation with a homeless guy yesterday.
I was so filled with anger and rage.
I was leaving a convenience store with a pack of Newports and this guy spotted me carrying it, made an obvious move to block my path, make himself appear as an obvious threat, and "ask" (really a thinly veiled demand) for a cigarette.
Something in me popped. Normally I would defuse the situation but not yesterday.
I issued a polite but resolute "no, Sir". Squared up with him just in case he wanted to find out how far I was willing to take it. I had perfect clarity in the moment. I was aware of the razor- sharp knife I carried clipped in my back pocket which I regularly disassemble, clean, reassemble, and sharpen to a mirror finish as a self- soothing exercise. The feel of its exact location in my pocket, the mechanical "snick" of opening it and locking it in place, and the exact location of his jugular. "Columbia River Knife & Tool. Carson Design". AKA my "Cricket".
I was ready. Stared him down, silently daring him to escalate. Until he stood aside, gazing sullenly at me like *I'm* the problem instead of him.
It wasn't his fault, but it wasn't exactly not his fault either. He had instigated the confrontation, not me. I was just some old dude with a pack of smokes who wanted to be left alone. This isn't my normal behavior. I'm not "confrontational", I'm avoidant". He was the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time and I was in the wrong mood. I *wanted* him to escalate. I was ready for it. I was looking forward to it. Not fearful, but *furious*. I wanted him to give me a reason to take it out on him.
He never did anything but try to intimidate me. He's not who I wanted to dismantle, but he was available. He had shopped for an * whuppin' and had found a bulk rate bargain. The person who deserved my wrath was inaccessible. Dead. Beyond retribution. But he would do in the meantime.
I am not that guy, but I was yesterday. I understand in that moment how my brother felt his entire life. The rage, the "behavioral issues", the violence. The ultimate crashout. He did not dissociate as I had. He remembered all of it and he was *pissed*. I was reminded of it half a century later and now *I* remember and I'm pissed too.
My brother spent his life trying to find peace and tranquility and found occasional refuge in flying kites; a hobby he taught me and I share with my son. For me it's "roller disco". A throwback to when I was a carefree and unfettered kid gliding around a rink to cheezy disco and funk in 1979.
I know it's just an emotional phase in a process, but for that one brief moment I was not "me". I was "Derek". I don't want to be "Derek". It's jarring and upsetting.
I almost got into an altercation with a homeless guy yesterday.
I was so filled with anger and rage.
I was leaving a convenience store with a pack of Newports and this guy spotted me carrying it, made an obvious move to block my path, make himself appear as an obvious threat, and "ask" (really a thinly veiled demand) for a cigarette.
Something in me popped. Normally I would defuse the situation but not yesterday.
I issued a polite but resolute "no, Sir". Squared up with him just in case he wanted to find out how far I was willing to take it. I had perfect clarity in the moment. I was aware of the razor- sharp knife I carried clipped in my back pocket which I regularly disassemble, clean, reassemble, and sharpen to a mirror finish as a self- soothing exercise. The feel of its exact location in my pocket, the mechanical "snick" of opening it and locking it in place, and the exact location of his jugular. "Columbia River Knife & Tool. Carson Design". AKA my "Cricket".
I was ready. Stared him down, silently daring him to escalate. Until he stood aside, gazing sullenly at me like *I'm* the problem instead of him.
It wasn't his fault, but it wasn't exactly not his fault either. He had instigated the confrontation, not me. I was just some old dude with a pack of smokes who wanted to be left alone. This isn't my normal behavior. I'm not "confrontational", I'm avoidant". He was the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time and I was in the wrong mood. I *wanted* him to escalate. I was ready for it. I was looking forward to it. Not fearful, but *furious*. I wanted him to give me a reason to take it out on him.
He never did anything but try to intimidate me. He's not who I wanted to dismantle, but he was available. He had shopped for an * whuppin' and had found a bulk rate bargain. The person who deserved my wrath was inaccessible. Dead. Beyond retribution. But he would do in the meantime.
I am not that guy, but I was yesterday. I understand in that moment how my brother felt his entire life. The rage, the "behavioral issues", the violence. The ultimate crashout. He did not dissociate as I had. He remembered all of it and he was *pissed*. I was reminded of it half a century later and now *I* remember and I'm pissed too.
My brother spent his life trying to find peace and tranquility and found occasional refuge in flying kites; a hobby he taught me and I share with my son. For me it's "roller disco". A throwback to when I was a carefree and unfettered kid gliding around a rink to cheezy disco and funk in 1979.
I know it's just an emotional phase in a process, but for that one brief moment I was not "me". I was "Derek". I don't want to be "Derek". It's jarring and upsetting.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Hope67 - March 06, 2026, 12:03:20 PMHi Papa Coco,
I am really happy that you are finding so many helpful resources at the moment, and also that you are sharing your experiences, as it is very motivating and I agree with NarcKiddo that the latest updates are lovely to read.
I am really happy that you are finding so many helpful resources at the moment, and also that you are sharing your experiences, as it is very motivating and I agree with NarcKiddo that the latest updates are lovely to read.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - March 06, 2026, 10:12:39 AMI like it when you're a happy puppy, Papa C. I've seen you being one and your joy is infectious.
I'm interested, and glad, to read the AI tool interpreting your suicidal thoughts as a desire to escape from overwhelm. I've read criticism of AI for encouraging suicidal behaviour so it is good to read that your personal experience of its commentary is very different. It also sounds like a really workable aspect to consider.
These latest updates are lovely to read.
I'm interested, and glad, to read the AI tool interpreting your suicidal thoughts as a desire to escape from overwhelm. I've read criticism of AI for encouraging suicidal behaviour so it is good to read that your personal experience of its commentary is very different. It also sounds like a really workable aspect to consider.
These latest updates are lovely to read.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - March 06, 2026, 10:11:26 AMIt's ok san don't worry. I'm moving my feet all the time these last days while curled up in bed, so it's nice if I'm inspiring you to similar! But unfortunately even 'must' or 'have to' are not managing to propel me out of the house this morning for my cancer screening.
This sort of reminds me that cptsd is actually an illness or at least pretty debilitating and statements towards myself like "you did your duolingo this morning and yesterday so obviously you can get on the bus and go to the cancer screening today" don't always pan out even though they 'should'. Should simply does not work for me anymore. Full stop.
Moving back to my Member Journal for a bit.
This sort of reminds me that cptsd is actually an illness or at least pretty debilitating and statements towards myself like "you did your duolingo this morning and yesterday so obviously you can get on the bus and go to the cancer screening today" don't always pan out even though they 'should'. Should simply does not work for me anymore. Full stop.
Moving back to my Member Journal for a bit.