Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by dollyvee - January 23, 2026, 02:15:37 PMQuote from: Papa Coco on January 23, 2026, 01:56:41 PMDolly, I'm expecting the book about scapegoating to arrive from Amazon today.
That comment you made, that fawning, and that for whatever reason we do it, it separates us from our authentic self is a good eye opener for me today. I can suddenly see how I am not living my life to be what I was created to be, but rather to serve others in order to feel safe. I spend most of my energy trying to feel safe, not so much from wild animals or storms, but from people. And not as much from strangers, but I mostly feel like I need to feel safe from the people I know; Family. Friends and peers.
Talk about a lose/lose dichotomy: I yearn for attachment, while being afraid of attachment. How does one find peace when he is afraid of what he wants?
Exactly, and I feel the same way. It's like a little dance I do with people, they can get close, but not TOO close. Ingrid Clayton describes the experience as fawning where you keep that little bit of Self for you when there is danger coming at you (paraphrasing). In essence, why do I think there is danger coming at me from "safe" people? I think this is maybe where the scapegoating and Betrayal Trauma (that Mandeville talks about in the scapegoating book) come in. No one was ever safe in my family, just the illusion of safe, so how do I know that that looks and feels like when I never had it? I guess knowing is one of the first steps to working to heal it.
Interestingly, she talks about Betrayal Trauma as also including institutions, and made me think of your comment about the church.
Hope you get something out of the book.
Sending you support
dolly
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 23, 2026, 02:09:28 PMNarcs. The gifts that just keep on giving. 
I've been doing well and I need to hold onto that because it is very easy to lose sight of my real progress when my FOO continue with their antics. I may do an entry in the private journal area with the specifics. Suffice to say here that my M continues with hoovering and discards such that I am not actually sure which is which! I know that sounds peculiar but some things feel like one and the other at the same time. I wrote about Schrödinger's jealousy elsewhere on the forum and right now it seems Schrödinger is taking over my life.
The latest is a holiday she is taking to a place that I like and never would have thought she would go. It was a reliable safe space and now it is not. She tried to get me to go with her because she knows I like it. Is that a hoover? Could be. Though she denied all knowledge that I am going there myself later this year so maybe it's a discard. She knows I am going there because my husband told her at Christmas. I tell her nothing if I can possibly help it and then try to keep it to after the event.
Really, what does it matter? Hoover or discard, it's all stuff I need to keep away from.
What does matter is that Little NK has taken it very badly. She thinks the place will be infected by M having been there months earlier. I found myself seriously thinking about the cleaning protocols. Like a little kid worrying about cooties. But she has also noted that M specifically chose a place she knows I like and then asked me to accompany. So maybe M wants me there. Adult NK knows perfectly well she wants me there to glorify her and carry her bags and keep the FOO show on the road. That the venue was chosen precisely because it is a place I like and therefore would be more tempting.
I got unexpectedly upset during the session with T. It seems there is some sort of yearning for a loving mother even though as far as I can tell every single part of me loathes and fears my actual mother and wants nothing to do with her.
I've been trying to work out when the different parts of me gave up on ever getting anything worthwhile from my M. I am pretty sure that whatever any of them wants, it is not her. And I wonder whether teenage NK could ever have held out hope for something from M when a younger part had already written her off. Do older parts evolve from younger ones? It's a mystery.
What was really noticeable was that I had a FOO visit yesterday, the day after my difficult session with T and the first time I would see M face to face to hear all about her holiday plans. The young parts were nowhere to be seen and the visit was actually quite pleasant. I felt that adult NK was totally in charge. I didn't feel the usual enormous rush of relief when I left and I didn't think I would need to decompress. And I didn't, in the usual way where I clearly understand I have to be mindful of my emotions. I just suddenly found myself feeling utterly exhausted, physically and mentally, half way through the evening. Clearly I did have some sort of need to decompress, and I was being careful, but the need manifested in a very different way yesterday. Today I have had various minor disruptions and irritations and they are taking a lot out of me, so the visit took its toll, just not in quite the usual way.
I find it amazing how she manages to infiltrate and spoil everything. She has done it for ever. Like a great mould fungus. Next thing I know she will be taking up a gym habit so I can't even be sure I would never find her in a gym. Sigh.
I've been doing well and I need to hold onto that because it is very easy to lose sight of my real progress when my FOO continue with their antics. I may do an entry in the private journal area with the specifics. Suffice to say here that my M continues with hoovering and discards such that I am not actually sure which is which! I know that sounds peculiar but some things feel like one and the other at the same time. I wrote about Schrödinger's jealousy elsewhere on the forum and right now it seems Schrödinger is taking over my life.
The latest is a holiday she is taking to a place that I like and never would have thought she would go. It was a reliable safe space and now it is not. She tried to get me to go with her because she knows I like it. Is that a hoover? Could be. Though she denied all knowledge that I am going there myself later this year so maybe it's a discard. She knows I am going there because my husband told her at Christmas. I tell her nothing if I can possibly help it and then try to keep it to after the event.
Really, what does it matter? Hoover or discard, it's all stuff I need to keep away from.
What does matter is that Little NK has taken it very badly. She thinks the place will be infected by M having been there months earlier. I found myself seriously thinking about the cleaning protocols. Like a little kid worrying about cooties. But she has also noted that M specifically chose a place she knows I like and then asked me to accompany. So maybe M wants me there. Adult NK knows perfectly well she wants me there to glorify her and carry her bags and keep the FOO show on the road. That the venue was chosen precisely because it is a place I like and therefore would be more tempting.
I got unexpectedly upset during the session with T. It seems there is some sort of yearning for a loving mother even though as far as I can tell every single part of me loathes and fears my actual mother and wants nothing to do with her.
I've been trying to work out when the different parts of me gave up on ever getting anything worthwhile from my M. I am pretty sure that whatever any of them wants, it is not her. And I wonder whether teenage NK could ever have held out hope for something from M when a younger part had already written her off. Do older parts evolve from younger ones? It's a mystery.
What was really noticeable was that I had a FOO visit yesterday, the day after my difficult session with T and the first time I would see M face to face to hear all about her holiday plans. The young parts were nowhere to be seen and the visit was actually quite pleasant. I felt that adult NK was totally in charge. I didn't feel the usual enormous rush of relief when I left and I didn't think I would need to decompress. And I didn't, in the usual way where I clearly understand I have to be mindful of my emotions. I just suddenly found myself feeling utterly exhausted, physically and mentally, half way through the evening. Clearly I did have some sort of need to decompress, and I was being careful, but the need manifested in a very different way yesterday. Today I have had various minor disruptions and irritations and they are taking a lot out of me, so the visit took its toll, just not in quite the usual way.
I find it amazing how she manages to infiltrate and spoil everything. She has done it for ever. Like a great mould fungus. Next thing I know she will be taking up a gym habit so I can't even be sure I would never find her in a gym. Sigh.
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - January 23, 2026, 01:56:41 PMDolly, I'm expecting the book about scapegoating to arrive from Amazon today.
That comment you made, that fawning, and that for whatever reason we do it, it separates us from our authentic self is a good eye opener for me today. I can suddenly see how I am not living my life to be what I was created to be, but rather to serve others in order to feel safe. I spend most of my energy trying to feel safe, not so much from wild animals or storms, but from people. And not as much from strangers, but I mostly feel like I need to feel safe from the people I know; Family. Friends and peers.
Talk about a lose/lose dichotomy: I yearn for attachment, while being afraid of attachment. How does one find peace when he is afraid of what he wants?
HannahOne; I homed in on your comment that simulators do teach the body cognitive reactions to keep the plane in the air, but that accountability is absent. I hadn't thought it through that far. Simulations are excellent cognitive teaching skills, but without the accountability, they are only one leg of a three-legged stool. As an example, simulation video games do a lot to remove accountability from the act of shooting simulated people, and running them over with simulated cars, teaching the skills but not the emotional bond we have that should make us want to do no harm to others.
AI is a soulless therapist. It knows all the words but doesn't feel the music. One of the key components to modern day trauma-informed therapy, is that the true masters of the art become partners with their clients in the healing process. My therapist sits close to me, facing me, intently watching my eyes and body movements, and caringly adjusts his presence based on watching my reactions and "feeling my vibes". He knows the truth, that the one thing my traumatized self needs the most is that I need to feel "felt" by another human soul. Proving to me that he can feel what I'm feeling is how he expresses true care for me, and for his other clients, and that's what separates him from all the CBT therapists I'd had for the first 20 years of my searching for one that could actually help.
I live for soul-to-soul connection. A good human therapist who cares gives me that. AI is a research tool. It's helpful, but that's all it is. It doesn't smile at me. I find myself tempted to thank it when it helps, but that's where I feel the disconnect. How stupid is it to thank a machine for saying the right words?
San, Yup. Safety. The more I learn about myself from this credit card robbery, the more I see how many of my thoughts and actions would be far less burdensome if I could just feel safe. I spend more money and energy on insurances, locks, surveillance and backup supplies as I do on just living the life I would live if I felt safe. Ever since the robbery, I've been on edge. I'm feeling a lot more control now, but still not sleeping. All night long, I'm in dreams and nightmares that I'm being accused of things I didn't do, or that I'm being trapped and crushed under trees, and stuff like that. I wake up almost as tired as when I went to bed. If I could feel safe, I could feel free. And if I could feel free, I could do great things.
I am still buried under a mountain of past events and fears. I am still tyring to declutter my home, my files, my mind...and I'm still frustrated beyond reason by the pain and torture I do to myself when I try and try and try to declutter and organize my life. Everything I want to give away or sell or dispose of calls out to me "Papa Coco, you used to want me. Don't abandon me! You might need me some day. You'll be ashamed of yourself if you give me away and then find out you need me again."
I have recently begun to try to focus on the journey, and not the end result. It may take 10 years to declutter my home and garage. I have to stop being frustrated that the 10 years isn't done yet. I need to feel a small success at the end of each small release, rather than finish cleaning out a box and then focusing on the thousand boxes still in the pile.
My clutter is a security blanket that I'm suffocating under. I feel safer when I have more than I need, rather than living on the edge of trusting that I'll have what I need when I need it. Most animals live freely, eating when they find food and moving on. I can't feel safe doing that. I don't trust that there will be food tomorrow, so, to feel safe, I buy two of everything and store it wherever I can find a few inches of empty space.
My clutter issue is about feeling vulnerable and not ready for anything and not trusting that life will provide what I need when I need it. Deep down, I'm still that little boy who can't keep up with the other kids, because I'm being lied to and lied about and whatever is mine, is up for grabs when I can't lock it up or hide it from my own family and friends.
That's where I need healing. Feeling safe. If I can feel safe, I can live more in the moment, and less in what I call "PRE-Traumatic Stress Disorder". I'm locked into past fears that I use to prove I need to be afraid that I won't survive tomorrow. I'm so focused on the past and future that I'm not enjoying today.
That comment you made, that fawning, and that for whatever reason we do it, it separates us from our authentic self is a good eye opener for me today. I can suddenly see how I am not living my life to be what I was created to be, but rather to serve others in order to feel safe. I spend most of my energy trying to feel safe, not so much from wild animals or storms, but from people. And not as much from strangers, but I mostly feel like I need to feel safe from the people I know; Family. Friends and peers.
Talk about a lose/lose dichotomy: I yearn for attachment, while being afraid of attachment. How does one find peace when he is afraid of what he wants?
HannahOne; I homed in on your comment that simulators do teach the body cognitive reactions to keep the plane in the air, but that accountability is absent. I hadn't thought it through that far. Simulations are excellent cognitive teaching skills, but without the accountability, they are only one leg of a three-legged stool. As an example, simulation video games do a lot to remove accountability from the act of shooting simulated people, and running them over with simulated cars, teaching the skills but not the emotional bond we have that should make us want to do no harm to others.
AI is a soulless therapist. It knows all the words but doesn't feel the music. One of the key components to modern day trauma-informed therapy, is that the true masters of the art become partners with their clients in the healing process. My therapist sits close to me, facing me, intently watching my eyes and body movements, and caringly adjusts his presence based on watching my reactions and "feeling my vibes". He knows the truth, that the one thing my traumatized self needs the most is that I need to feel "felt" by another human soul. Proving to me that he can feel what I'm feeling is how he expresses true care for me, and for his other clients, and that's what separates him from all the CBT therapists I'd had for the first 20 years of my searching for one that could actually help.
I live for soul-to-soul connection. A good human therapist who cares gives me that. AI is a research tool. It's helpful, but that's all it is. It doesn't smile at me. I find myself tempted to thank it when it helps, but that's where I feel the disconnect. How stupid is it to thank a machine for saying the right words?
San, Yup. Safety. The more I learn about myself from this credit card robbery, the more I see how many of my thoughts and actions would be far less burdensome if I could just feel safe. I spend more money and energy on insurances, locks, surveillance and backup supplies as I do on just living the life I would live if I felt safe. Ever since the robbery, I've been on edge. I'm feeling a lot more control now, but still not sleeping. All night long, I'm in dreams and nightmares that I'm being accused of things I didn't do, or that I'm being trapped and crushed under trees, and stuff like that. I wake up almost as tired as when I went to bed. If I could feel safe, I could feel free. And if I could feel free, I could do great things.
I am still buried under a mountain of past events and fears. I am still tyring to declutter my home, my files, my mind...and I'm still frustrated beyond reason by the pain and torture I do to myself when I try and try and try to declutter and organize my life. Everything I want to give away or sell or dispose of calls out to me "Papa Coco, you used to want me. Don't abandon me! You might need me some day. You'll be ashamed of yourself if you give me away and then find out you need me again."
I have recently begun to try to focus on the journey, and not the end result. It may take 10 years to declutter my home and garage. I have to stop being frustrated that the 10 years isn't done yet. I need to feel a small success at the end of each small release, rather than finish cleaning out a box and then focusing on the thousand boxes still in the pile.
My clutter is a security blanket that I'm suffocating under. I feel safer when I have more than I need, rather than living on the edge of trusting that I'll have what I need when I need it. Most animals live freely, eating when they find food and moving on. I can't feel safe doing that. I don't trust that there will be food tomorrow, so, to feel safe, I buy two of everything and store it wherever I can find a few inches of empty space.
My clutter issue is about feeling vulnerable and not ready for anything and not trusting that life will provide what I need when I need it. Deep down, I'm still that little boy who can't keep up with the other kids, because I'm being lied to and lied about and whatever is mine, is up for grabs when I can't lock it up or hide it from my own family and friends.
That's where I need healing. Feeling safe. If I can feel safe, I can live more in the moment, and less in what I call "PRE-Traumatic Stress Disorder". I'm locked into past fears that I use to prove I need to be afraid that I won't survive tomorrow. I'm so focused on the past and future that I'm not enjoying today.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 23, 2026, 01:55:31 PMooops, lost my page.
armee, thanks so much for the phrase 'without disabling' me. i didn't have those words before, but yes, that's exactly what happens when i have/expel such strong emotions/feelings. i do become disabled, just never thought of that term before. it would be nice to find someone who will take that seriously when i tell them about it. slower/smaller really is better for me.
hannah1, thank you for that validation. i do believe it affects all those little goodies we have inside, down to the cellular level. whew! that's a lot!
NK, i agree, now that you mention it, that it is very easy to overlook if we aren't at a funeral, something tangible, that we have losses to grieve. i like your comparison. thanks so much for that.
in a few hours a chat w/ a new T. i have a good feeling about her. and next Mon., a whole session w/ another one. we'll see how it goes, 2 down, 2 out so far. as my D was reading a list of candidates she'd found, one mentioned she was trained in EMDR Level 1. i had to immediately nix her off our list. there are 2 levels of EMDR basic training, (i've gone thru both of them), and for someone w/ complex trauma, i don't think Level 1 is enough experience and knowledge to deal with dissociation, DID, the complexities that come w/ my alexithymia.
so, i've been culling the herd in this manner as well. i'm watching out for 'parts' people, too. maybe someday, but not now. i think the one on mon. is big on attachment theory, and i can go along w/ that, except for the experience i had w/ the first T i contacted, where he was trying to guess and label my attachment levels. so, i don't know. there's so much stuff out there that wasn't around or being looked at when i was in practice, such as c-ptsd itself, i guess i'll have to wait and see. as always.
armee, thanks so much for the phrase 'without disabling' me. i didn't have those words before, but yes, that's exactly what happens when i have/expel such strong emotions/feelings. i do become disabled, just never thought of that term before. it would be nice to find someone who will take that seriously when i tell them about it. slower/smaller really is better for me.
hannah1, thank you for that validation. i do believe it affects all those little goodies we have inside, down to the cellular level. whew! that's a lot!
NK, i agree, now that you mention it, that it is very easy to overlook if we aren't at a funeral, something tangible, that we have losses to grieve. i like your comparison. thanks so much for that.
in a few hours a chat w/ a new T. i have a good feeling about her. and next Mon., a whole session w/ another one. we'll see how it goes, 2 down, 2 out so far. as my D was reading a list of candidates she'd found, one mentioned she was trained in EMDR Level 1. i had to immediately nix her off our list. there are 2 levels of EMDR basic training, (i've gone thru both of them), and for someone w/ complex trauma, i don't think Level 1 is enough experience and knowledge to deal with dissociation, DID, the complexities that come w/ my alexithymia.
so, i've been culling the herd in this manner as well. i'm watching out for 'parts' people, too. maybe someday, but not now. i think the one on mon. is big on attachment theory, and i can go along w/ that, except for the experience i had w/ the first T i contacted, where he was trying to guess and label my attachment levels. so, i don't know. there's so much stuff out there that wasn't around or being looked at when i was in practice, such as c-ptsd itself, i guess i'll have to wait and see. as always.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 23, 2026, 01:16:58 PMhey, hope, i know you take breaks away from here, maybe from all things digital every so often, and it seems that when you return you're always glad you did it. good for you. and well done picking and choosing about your books. if it made you feel lighter, it must've been a good thing,
it seems to me you've become quite adept at knowing what you need and don't need. excellent work you've done to reach that point. keep it up, ok? love and hugs
it seems to me you've become quite adept at knowing what you need and don't need. excellent work you've done to reach that point. keep it up, ok? love and hugs
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - January 23, 2026, 11:59:21 AMHi Dollyvee, Thanks so much Wishing you all the best for 2026 as well.
********
23rd January 2026
I had been feeling a bit overwhelmed as I had so many books out from the library and intended to read them - plus I'd bought a few books as well - anyway - I've returned ALL my library books and have decided just to focus on the books I've bought - and I am also considering potentially having a digital break for the whole of February - but not sure whether I'll definitely do that or not. I'm finding it liberating to make decisions - almost as if I feel more 'adult' for making those decisions. Now that I no longer have a large pile of books - and instead have a more manageable list of books that I'd like to read - I feel like it's already feeling lighter and more manageable!
I also think that a digital break for February would stop the algorithm thing that seems to happen - i.e. taking me down various rabbit warrens with regard to content that I end up reading online - having that digital break means I can then focus my brain on things I actively choose to look at in the non-digital world. Maybe buy a newspaper, or magazine, or book, rather than seemingly randomly reading social media content etc.
I am relieved that there are less temptations around food-wise (now that the festive period is over) - because it means I can re-focus on trying to eat heathily and lose some of those extra kilos/pounds that have re-joined me!
Wishing you all the best for 2026 as well. ********
23rd January 2026
I had been feeling a bit overwhelmed as I had so many books out from the library and intended to read them - plus I'd bought a few books as well - anyway - I've returned ALL my library books and have decided just to focus on the books I've bought - and I am also considering potentially having a digital break for the whole of February - but not sure whether I'll definitely do that or not. I'm finding it liberating to make decisions - almost as if I feel more 'adult' for making those decisions. Now that I no longer have a large pile of books - and instead have a more manageable list of books that I'd like to read - I feel like it's already feeling lighter and more manageable!
I also think that a digital break for February would stop the algorithm thing that seems to happen - i.e. taking me down various rabbit warrens with regard to content that I end up reading online - having that digital break means I can then focus my brain on things I actively choose to look at in the non-digital world. Maybe buy a newspaper, or magazine, or book, rather than seemingly randomly reading social media content etc.
I am relieved that there are less temptations around food-wise (now that the festive period is over) - because it means I can re-focus on trying to eat heathily and lose some of those extra kilos/pounds that have re-joined me!
#27
Conferences/Courses / Re: Free AVAIYA course, Healin...
Last post by Hope67 - January 23, 2026, 11:52:18 AMThanks Blueberry, I haven't looked at their courses for a while, but I remember some good ones in the past. I might take another look.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 23, 2026, 02:45:44 AMThank you SanMagic7! I need to remember that accomplishment. I had to give up a lot of other goals in order to be the best parent I could but being the best parent I could was the most important thing, nothing else would matter if I didn't give it everything I had. I have to remember how important it was and why.
for feeling emotions!
for feeling emotions! #29
Conferences/Courses / Re: Free AVAIYA course, Healin...
Last post by Blueberry - January 22, 2026, 09:14:40 PMI still get notifications from Avaiya. I don't have the wherewithal atm to do more than bump this old thread, but if you google Avaiya, you'll find that they now offer I think it's 12 freebie courses a year on a whole bunch of stuff, most of which is probably useful for people with cptsd. Anxiety, depression, overcoming trauma in some form etc etc.
For general info on freebie conferences/courses, check my second most recent thread on Conferences/Courses.
For general info on freebie conferences/courses, check my second most recent thread on Conferences/Courses.
#30
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today - ...
Last post by Blueberry - January 22, 2026, 09:01:02 PM1) I finally phoned a friend today to thank her for a little birthday prezzie that came my way, and just to have a chat. We had a nice long chat.
2) The sun was shining - I enjoyed it through the closed window. It's a different, nicer kind of warmth than the heater warmth
3) I'm keeping going at my language-learning on duolingo - today I practised one bout in the morning and one in the evening
2) The sun was shining - I enjoyed it through the closed window. It's a different, nicer kind of warmth than the heater warmth
3) I'm keeping going at my language-learning on duolingo - today I practised one bout in the morning and one in the evening