Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 04:33:36 AMi just need to put this here first, been thinking about it for hours already, have been grieving, feeling shame - rather new for me, and i don't like it, don't like to admit it - but my T asked how i was w/ my children, told her that i held both babies on my hip all the time till they were 2, she mentioned, ok, that's physical attachment, and i admitted, cuz it just came out, that i never felt joy for having my babies, never felt that rubbing of my big belly that i see women do all the time, never felt love for my babies (once, when in mex., my hub and i had a cat, and it was sitting in my lap, purring as i was petting it, and it came into my mind that i felt love for that cat, and then right afterward the realization that i never felt that same love for my babies. i was so confused. i told her that i loved my children fiercely, would kill for them, but did not feel the love, the joy, so i guess i had no real attachment for them, either, altho my D1 once told me that that was the safest she ever felt was when i was holding her on my lap.
and i cried tonite, grieved my lack of feelings. my babies were my responsibility, were a chore for me, and i saw the look in my T's eye, that meant something when i said that, but i don't know what, and we ran out of time, so i don't know. but tonite i was so upset about admitting all that and i began crying and crying that i didn't have the capacity to love my babies, and what a shame that was, and i feel ashamed even tho i know in my head that i just didn't have it in me, but still . . .what a frickin' shame it all was. not to be able feel love for one's own children when they were what i lived for? how does that make sense? i don't know, am just typing as fast as i can to get this out here, get this down, i weep for myself, for the deprivation my babies experienced because of me. and i'm crying agin just thinking about it when i've been writing about my own deprivation all week and here i did it to my own. please, god, i wish i could've given them what i didn't get, but maybe that's why, cuz i didn't get that feeling from my folks, how could i pas it along?
how awfu for them, i know they must've felt it, i know D1 felt it for sure, and there's nothing i can do now except grieve and grieve and cry my eyes out for what i couldn't do, what i didn't do and i'm so very sorry
and i cried tonite, grieved my lack of feelings. my babies were my responsibility, were a chore for me, and i saw the look in my T's eye, that meant something when i said that, but i don't know what, and we ran out of time, so i don't know. but tonite i was so upset about admitting all that and i began crying and crying that i didn't have the capacity to love my babies, and what a shame that was, and i feel ashamed even tho i know in my head that i just didn't have it in me, but still . . .what a frickin' shame it all was. not to be able feel love for one's own children when they were what i lived for? how does that make sense? i don't know, am just typing as fast as i can to get this out here, get this down, i weep for myself, for the deprivation my babies experienced because of me. and i'm crying agin just thinking about it when i've been writing about my own deprivation all week and here i did it to my own. please, god, i wish i could've given them what i didn't get, but maybe that's why, cuz i didn't get that feeling from my folks, how could i pas it along?
how awfu for them, i know they must've felt it, i know D1 felt it for sure, and there's nothing i can do now except grieve and grieve and cry my eyes out for what i couldn't do, what i didn't do and i'm so very sorry #22
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 04:32:14 AMMarcine, NarcKiddo, SanMagic, 7, Chart, SenseOrgan, TheBigBlu, thank you for reading and commenting! Yes NarcKiddo to making lemonade! 
It's important for me to stay focused on what matters. Reasons for living, to go on, what makes life worth it, what lights me up, what brings meaning, what feels good. Grey pants! Rabbits! Daughter who swims in sweet cool lemonade.
I am going through a tough time. I had a falling out with my therapist and I'm on one hand incredibly focused on protecting myself, and on the other hand I'm numb. As a defense mechanism I seem to have turned on the ice machine, a la Frozen, or Narnia. Inside it's a deep freeze. Everything quiet, just the hiss of the wind. It doesn't feel bad or wrong, I think it's fine and I've done it before. I just know that thawing will hurt like heck and I'm really sad that I've had to freeze everything again. I'm dreading the emotional storm that will come once the thawing starts.
I'm sad.
I'm filled with self doubt. Why don't I know who to trust?
I feel despair about being able to be myself safely, et tu, Brute? Is there nowhere I can be understood? I feel that the nature of my trauma is itself a stumbling block to seeing me clearly and yet you can't see my clearly if you have no clue about my trauma.
But that's what I'm working on here. Being myself. Being All of Me, complete with clues.
Maybe being oneself just isn't "safe" the way I hoped it would be. Maybe being oneself involves conflict, confusion, as part of the process. Boundaries, elbows out, self-definition, here I stand, NO. Maybe all of that is part of being oneself. I find boundaries, conflict very stressful, painful and even triggering. But maybe boundaries, taking a stand, NO are essential parts of being oneself, parts of me.
I wish it wasn't. I hate conflict. Like Frank, I'd simply rather turn cotton-tail and run. But I am not a rabbit I'm half prey but half predator, my eyes are in the front of my head. So it's part of me run but also part of me to NOT turn tail, it's also part of me to crouch and bare my teeth. I have to be able to stand up for myself in order to be myself. That too has to be part of the All of Me. Even though I'm scared.
And sad.
It's important for me to stay focused on what matters. Reasons for living, to go on, what makes life worth it, what lights me up, what brings meaning, what feels good. Grey pants! Rabbits! Daughter who swims in sweet cool lemonade. I am going through a tough time. I had a falling out with my therapist and I'm on one hand incredibly focused on protecting myself, and on the other hand I'm numb. As a defense mechanism I seem to have turned on the ice machine, a la Frozen, or Narnia. Inside it's a deep freeze. Everything quiet, just the hiss of the wind. It doesn't feel bad or wrong, I think it's fine and I've done it before. I just know that thawing will hurt like heck and I'm really sad that I've had to freeze everything again. I'm dreading the emotional storm that will come once the thawing starts.
I'm sad.
I'm filled with self doubt. Why don't I know who to trust?
I feel despair about being able to be myself safely, et tu, Brute? Is there nowhere I can be understood? I feel that the nature of my trauma is itself a stumbling block to seeing me clearly and yet you can't see my clearly if you have no clue about my trauma.
But that's what I'm working on here. Being myself. Being All of Me, complete with clues.
Maybe being oneself just isn't "safe" the way I hoped it would be. Maybe being oneself involves conflict, confusion, as part of the process. Boundaries, elbows out, self-definition, here I stand, NO. Maybe all of that is part of being oneself. I find boundaries, conflict very stressful, painful and even triggering. But maybe boundaries, taking a stand, NO are essential parts of being oneself, parts of me.
I wish it wasn't. I hate conflict. Like Frank, I'd simply rather turn cotton-tail and run. But I am not a rabbit
I'm half prey but half predator, my eyes are in the front of my head. So it's part of me run but also part of me to NOT turn tail, it's also part of me to crouch and bare my teeth. I have to be able to stand up for myself in order to be myself. That too has to be part of the All of Me. Even though I'm scared. And sad.
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 04:17:42 AMSO, survivor's guilt is real.
It's a particular kind of pain to watch helplessly or to feel like a witness to pain you can do nothing to prevent.
And the choices of others affect us. It's one thing if people want to create chaos in their own lives but it spills over onto their children, and then onto you--and while you're on the Camino! (Sometime I must hear about that, I've always wanted to do it!). We are in a way traumatized again and again when those close to us suffer similar ways we did.
I have struggled to find words, too. I don't know if these thoughts will land, everyone is different and our stories are similar yet unique, particular. Something that helped me was to start by speaking to the particularity of my experience. The context, the specifics, the details, are where the devil is. With our kind of trauma it seems to me that the trauma is as much in the CONTEXT as it is in the CONTENT. It's not that our parent yelled at us once, it's how that related to our father, sibling, what happened before and after, the meaning the words had to us....And that context takes some words to describe. It's the context that delivers the emotional "punch" we received as much as the specific cruel words that were said to us.
The speechlessness is part of the trauma, we are struck dumb by their emotional abuse and manipulation just as much as if we were physically struck; a physical strike is often actually easier to take and manage as it has a beginning middle and end, whereas emotional abuse is the water we swim in. The relationship itself becomes a traumatizing environment, not just an incident of abuse. And how does a fish describe water? as the late great David Foster Wallace said.
Our words are part of what was taken, twisted, torn away from us. So it's a process to find the words. You're in that process now.
It's a particular kind of pain to watch helplessly or to feel like a witness to pain you can do nothing to prevent.
And the choices of others affect us. It's one thing if people want to create chaos in their own lives but it spills over onto their children, and then onto you--and while you're on the Camino! (Sometime I must hear about that, I've always wanted to do it!). We are in a way traumatized again and again when those close to us suffer similar ways we did.
I have struggled to find words, too. I don't know if these thoughts will land, everyone is different and our stories are similar yet unique, particular. Something that helped me was to start by speaking to the particularity of my experience. The context, the specifics, the details, are where the devil is. With our kind of trauma it seems to me that the trauma is as much in the CONTEXT as it is in the CONTENT. It's not that our parent yelled at us once, it's how that related to our father, sibling, what happened before and after, the meaning the words had to us....And that context takes some words to describe. It's the context that delivers the emotional "punch" we received as much as the specific cruel words that were said to us.
The speechlessness is part of the trauma, we are struck dumb by their emotional abuse and manipulation just as much as if we were physically struck; a physical strike is often actually easier to take and manage as it has a beginning middle and end, whereas emotional abuse is the water we swim in. The relationship itself becomes a traumatizing environment, not just an incident of abuse. And how does a fish describe water? as the late great David Foster Wallace said.
Our words are part of what was taken, twisted, torn away from us. So it's a process to find the words. You're in that process now.
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 04:00:52 AMI love the quote by Hecato, Marcine! The Stoics got me through many a time. Being a friend to oneself. I have continued to think about this, beginning, becoming.
Hooray for direct experience!
Hooray for direct experience!
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 03:59:05 AMLove it for the hair! And yes, it is NEVER too late! We only get more marvelous as we age!
I love robins, such a lovely bird. We have one huddling by our front porch as it creates a corner. He's all puffed up with the cold and sheltering there most mornings. A special friend. He was expecting warmer times here already! Spring is coming.
And yes, it is NEVER too late! We only get more marvelous as we age!I love robins, such a lovely bird. We have one huddling by our front porch as it creates a corner. He's all puffed up with the cold and sheltering there most mornings. A special friend. He was expecting warmer times here already! Spring is coming.
#26
Self-Help & Recovery / Tough Time
Last post by Mamatus - February 16, 2026, 11:43:15 PMIve experienced what feels like a full collapse after many years of high-functioning, nonstop work in the creative arts. I was always someone who coped by pushing harder, achieving more, and staying productive.I never really relaxed - my favourite past time involved adrenaline and socialising always involved heavy drinking to overcome social anxiety I was unaware of. I had to give away drinking some years ago now. That mode of life worked for a long time until it didn't.
I grew up with intense and chronic emotional abuse from my mother (who has since passed). I don't think I ever properly processed the trauma even with weekly therapy. Over the past year, major life stressors — family, financial pressure, responsibility — seem to have fused with that earlier trauma, and everything has started to feel existential. I now feel permanently stuck just getting through each day but without the tools to solve the looming problems.
My hardest part is the inner critic. I wake most mornings around 4:30am with intense, unbearable thoughts. By midday it usually eases somewhat. I train physically most afternoons, partly because it helps regulate me and gives me a bit of mental quiet later in the day.
I'm very interested in hearing from others who've had similar experiences. What helped? What didn't? Any perspective or lived experience would be appreciated.
It's been tough at times to keep going, but I am still here and still trying.
I grew up with intense and chronic emotional abuse from my mother (who has since passed). I don't think I ever properly processed the trauma even with weekly therapy. Over the past year, major life stressors — family, financial pressure, responsibility — seem to have fused with that earlier trauma, and everything has started to feel existential. I now feel permanently stuck just getting through each day but without the tools to solve the looming problems.
My hardest part is the inner critic. I wake most mornings around 4:30am with intense, unbearable thoughts. By midday it usually eases somewhat. I train physically most afternoons, partly because it helps regulate me and gives me a bit of mental quiet later in the day.
I'm very interested in hearing from others who've had similar experiences. What helped? What didn't? Any perspective or lived experience would be appreciated.
It's been tough at times to keep going, but I am still here and still trying.
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - February 16, 2026, 10:39:28 PMThanks you three 
. I really liked our outing. I felt very present at the zoo and learned a lot of photography techniques. One of my best photos was of my partner which made them happy since they're usually behind the camera.
. I really liked our outing. I felt very present at the zoo and learned a lot of photography techniques. One of my best photos was of my partner which made them happy since they're usually behind the camera. #28
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by Marcine - February 16, 2026, 09:46:46 PMFrom Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, in the chapter called "Silver Linings", page 80.
"We live in an emotionally impoverished culture, and those who stick with a long term recovery process are often rewarded with emotional intelligence far beyond the norm. This is somewhat paradoxical, as survivors of childhood trauma are initially injured more grievously in their emotional natures than those in the general population.
"...Those who work an effective recovery program not only recover significantly from emotional damage, but also evolve out of the emotional impoverishment of the general society."
Pete goes on to write in that chapter about the silver linings in recovery— building relational intelligence, creating authentic and reciprocal relationships, ongoing learning, inner wisdom, self respect, resilience.
Yes to being on the right and good path, BigBlue.
And yes to being in such good company here on the forum
"We live in an emotionally impoverished culture, and those who stick with a long term recovery process are often rewarded with emotional intelligence far beyond the norm. This is somewhat paradoxical, as survivors of childhood trauma are initially injured more grievously in their emotional natures than those in the general population.
"...Those who work an effective recovery program not only recover significantly from emotional damage, but also evolve out of the emotional impoverishment of the general society."
Pete goes on to write in that chapter about the silver linings in recovery— building relational intelligence, creating authentic and reciprocal relationships, ongoing learning, inner wisdom, self respect, resilience.
Yes to being on the right and good path, BigBlue.
And yes to being in such good company here on the forum
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - February 16, 2026, 08:52:18 PMStrategy for managing my self-hatred: Find one little useful thing I can cope with doing, no matter how small, and do it. Then if I can, find another little useful thing and do it. Then if I can, another. Etc. If at any time I start feeling like I can't cope with whatever I'm doing, STOP. Find something else to do, or rest. When possible, go see the river.
#30
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introducing myself - hi, m...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 16, 2026, 08:10:07 PMWelcome, Layla. 
I'm glad you're here, and you're welcome to move at your own pace - there's no rush and no obligation to share more than feels right. 💛
I'm glad you're here, and you're welcome to move at your own pace - there's no rush and no obligation to share more than feels right. 💛