Recent posts
#21
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 06, 2026, 06:34:12 PMmy dear friends, your responses touched me, brought tears out. this whole idea of deprivation, altho i've written about some of my experiences w/ it in my journals, this was the first time it came together as a whole, as an entity relating to trauma. i'd struggled w/ this for years after reading of the physical horrors some people have gone thru, which i hadn't. how could non-physical anything be as bad?
and, i'm not comparing, but i broached that subject w/ my former T, and she told me that it's often what's done/not done that can't be seen, that can leave wounds even more difficult to resolve and heal. it took a while for that to sink in, years, actually, until the word 'deprivation' came out of my mouth during my last session. i think it struck me so hard cuz it was an entire concept, not just an incident here or there, but an ongoing wave of 'not' - not getting, not having, not knowing. as TBB said, it is like missing an entire layer of being human.
So, at least now it's in front of me. and, yes, kizzie, some of it i can know, get, or do for myself, like my clogs. some of it has been mostly dealt with (altho someday i may have to drag a guy off a barstool and bring him home w/ me - there are things i can't do myself, after all!
) and, like Dalloway said, some absences will simply linger cuz it's too much to try to fix. besides, i don't have that much time, i'm guessing. as far as 'unnatural treatment' which marcine was able to see and label as such, i never thought of it that way, but it is true, isn't it. emotional connection is natural, comfort is natural, attachment is natural - babies are born w/ the need to suckle for sustaining their lives. it's natural to connect physically as well.
so, moving on and taking no hostages. i have been deprived but i will continue to do my best not to deprive myself, not of my love, not of my caring, i'll hug anyone who lets me to get some touch in my life. i will wear sleeveless dresses during the summer no matter what anyone thinks of my 'grandma' arms cuz they're cool and floaty and remind me of me. i am good. thank you all for your responses - you're the best! love and hugs all around.
and, i'm not comparing, but i broached that subject w/ my former T, and she told me that it's often what's done/not done that can't be seen, that can leave wounds even more difficult to resolve and heal. it took a while for that to sink in, years, actually, until the word 'deprivation' came out of my mouth during my last session. i think it struck me so hard cuz it was an entire concept, not just an incident here or there, but an ongoing wave of 'not' - not getting, not having, not knowing. as TBB said, it is like missing an entire layer of being human.
So, at least now it's in front of me. and, yes, kizzie, some of it i can know, get, or do for myself, like my clogs. some of it has been mostly dealt with (altho someday i may have to drag a guy off a barstool and bring him home w/ me - there are things i can't do myself, after all!
) and, like Dalloway said, some absences will simply linger cuz it's too much to try to fix. besides, i don't have that much time, i'm guessing. as far as 'unnatural treatment' which marcine was able to see and label as such, i never thought of it that way, but it is true, isn't it. emotional connection is natural, comfort is natural, attachment is natural - babies are born w/ the need to suckle for sustaining their lives. it's natural to connect physically as well.so, moving on and taking no hostages. i have been deprived but i will continue to do my best not to deprive myself, not of my love, not of my caring, i'll hug anyone who lets me to get some touch in my life. i will wear sleeveless dresses during the summer no matter what anyone thinks of my 'grandma' arms cuz they're cool and floaty and remind me of me. i am good. thank you all for your responses - you're the best! love and hugs all around.
#22
Friends / Re: Sensitivity to any ups and...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 06, 2026, 04:07:33 PMThis really resonates. I don't have a clean solution either, but I want to share how I've come to understand this in myself - in case any part of it helps you feel less alone with it.
With complex relational trauma, many of us adapted very early by softening, shrinking, or erasing our authenticity in order not to endanger connection. Back then, connection wasn't just emotional - it was survival. When disagreement, difference, or even mild dissent once led to rupture, rejection, or emotional fallout, the nervous system learns: don't go there. So when a present-day interaction suddenly feels charged or unsafe, it can hit that old alarm system hard.
For me, what's helped a bit isn't forcing myself to "hold my line" or push through those conversations, but understanding why my system reacts the way it does. Sometimes I consciously choose not to engage or not to pursue a point - not because I'm erasing myself, but because I see the limits of the other person and decide it's not worth the cost for me. That choice, when it's truly mine, seems to reduce the rumination and self-doubt afterward.
You're not broken for wanting to protect yourself from those dynamics. And the fact that you're noticing this pattern and questioning it already tells me you're listening to yourself more than you maybe ever were allowed to. That matters.
(If that's ok)
With complex relational trauma, many of us adapted very early by softening, shrinking, or erasing our authenticity in order not to endanger connection. Back then, connection wasn't just emotional - it was survival. When disagreement, difference, or even mild dissent once led to rupture, rejection, or emotional fallout, the nervous system learns: don't go there. So when a present-day interaction suddenly feels charged or unsafe, it can hit that old alarm system hard.
For me, what's helped a bit isn't forcing myself to "hold my line" or push through those conversations, but understanding why my system reacts the way it does. Sometimes I consciously choose not to engage or not to pursue a point - not because I'm erasing myself, but because I see the limits of the other person and decide it's not worth the cost for me. That choice, when it's truly mine, seems to reduce the rumination and self-doubt afterward.
You're not broken for wanting to protect yourself from those dynamics. And the fact that you're noticing this pattern and questioning it already tells me you're listening to yourself more than you maybe ever were allowed to. That matters.
(If that's ok)
#23
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 06, 2026, 03:47:46 PMSan, thank you - and thank you to everyone in this thread. I'm crying as I write this and feeling a bit overwhelmed, because saying "this resonated" doesn't even begin to touch how deeply this landed in me. Tomboy, deprivation of touch and more, unlovable, silenced - this went straight to my core. It feels like I am missing a whole layer of being human.
I needed to hear others put this into words. I needed to see others brave enough to face it, name it, and not turn away. "Deep breath, and into the breach I go" — that line is staying with me. I suspect I'll be repeating it to myself today and in the days ahead. Thank you for giving shape and language to something so profound. 💛
I needed to hear others put this into words. I needed to see others brave enough to face it, name it, and not turn away. "Deep breath, and into the breach I go" — that line is staying with me. I suspect I'll be repeating it to myself today and in the days ahead. Thank you for giving shape and language to something so profound. 💛
#24
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 06, 2026, 03:08:46 PM
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 06, 2026, 03:03:46 PMQuote from: HannahOne on February 06, 2026, 12:39:18 AMStill don't know what to do with the two trash bags of love.
I have no words.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 06, 2026, 03:01:17 PM"Start with what you know.".
I love that.
I also have to accept that what I know is not very much at all because I am still swamped with so much false narrative from the past. But, hey. That is knowing something, and that is a start.
Your statement about the dangers of seeing and speaking truth when young resonates. I'm sorry you had to deal with that too.
I love that.
I also have to accept that what I know is not very much at all because I am still swamped with so much false narrative from the past. But, hey. That is knowing something, and that is a start.
Your statement about the dangers of seeing and speaking truth when young resonates. I'm sorry you had to deal with that too.
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 06, 2026, 05:30:24 AMMarcine, thank you for sharing this. It feels grounded, honest, and deeply earned. I really appreciate the way you hold both grief and clarity together, without rushing either one. There's a calm truthfulness here that feels safe to be near.
"Start with what you know" is such a gentle, solid anchor - and what you name that you know about yourself speaks to a life lived with care, values, and love. I'm really glad you shared this with us. It matters, and so do you. 💛
"Start with what you know" is such a gentle, solid anchor - and what you name that you know about yourself speaks to a life lived with care, values, and love. I'm really glad you shared this with us. It matters, and so do you. 💛
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Marcine - February 06, 2026, 04:08:08 AMHannahOne, a reflection of your words, offered with respect:
A shot glass.
Keep the poisoned secret.
Secrets.
Tricycle.
Little you.
Piles of picked flowers in the driveway.
No surprise, they got stuffed right into garbage bags.
Not your fault.
Never was.
Truth.
Grief.
A shot glass.
Keep the poisoned secret.
Secrets.
Tricycle.
Little you.
Piles of picked flowers in the driveway.
No surprise, they got stuffed right into garbage bags.
Not your fault.
Never was.
Truth.
Grief.
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 06, 2026, 12:39:18 AMWorking on grief.
A year ago I unintentionally revealed a trauma to my therapist, somehow I thought she knew, and so I said something rather awful, with zero preparation. she was a little shocked although she tried not to show it. I was really upset. I was upset that I hadn't known what she knew, that I had been a bearer of bad news. I felt that I had hurt or betrayed her.
Of course, she is not my mother.
I brought her a few flowers in a little glass as an apology. She took it. The glass has remained in her office.
"Grief is only love that has no place to go."
Age 5, showing my dad a drawing. He doesn't look. A little glass in hand. A secret. "It would kill your mother." I won't tell.
"Grief is only love that has nowhere to go."
What to do when you can't use words? I spent the next day bicycling my tricycle a few doors down to a vacant lot. Picked flowers, dandelions, thistle, Queen Anne's lace, filled my basket, tricycled them back home. Piled them on the driveway. How many trips? The pile of flowers, erm, weeds, was as tall as my head as I recall. The flowers filled two trash bags. I know because when I called my mother out to see my "surprise," she stuffed them into trash bags immediately.
Grief is only love that has nowhere to go.
This week I realized that little glass is a shot glass.
This week I realized I didn't need to bring my therapist flowers. She's not betrayed that I know what I know, not hurt that I feel what I feel.
Still don't know what to do with the two trash bags of love. Or the empty glass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n952KsQg6M
A year ago I unintentionally revealed a trauma to my therapist, somehow I thought she knew, and so I said something rather awful, with zero preparation. she was a little shocked although she tried not to show it. I was really upset. I was upset that I hadn't known what she knew, that I had been a bearer of bad news. I felt that I had hurt or betrayed her.
Of course, she is not my mother.
I brought her a few flowers in a little glass as an apology. She took it. The glass has remained in her office.
"Grief is only love that has no place to go."
Age 5, showing my dad a drawing. He doesn't look. A little glass in hand. A secret. "It would kill your mother." I won't tell.
"Grief is only love that has nowhere to go."
What to do when you can't use words? I spent the next day bicycling my tricycle a few doors down to a vacant lot. Picked flowers, dandelions, thistle, Queen Anne's lace, filled my basket, tricycled them back home. Piled them on the driveway. How many trips? The pile of flowers, erm, weeds, was as tall as my head as I recall. The flowers filled two trash bags. I know because when I called my mother out to see my "surprise," she stuffed them into trash bags immediately.
Grief is only love that has nowhere to go.
This week I realized that little glass is a shot glass.
This week I realized I didn't need to bring my therapist flowers. She's not betrayed that I know what I know, not hurt that I feel what I feel.
Still don't know what to do with the two trash bags of love. Or the empty glass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n952KsQg6M
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 06, 2026, 12:29:34 AMThank you, SanMagic. I'm getting lots of practice LOL. Still sick.
When I get overwhelmed with caretaking I just go to my room and rest. No one seems to mind, they carry on their activities.
I feel so vulnerable when sick. I imagine Mr. Frank must feel that way too. He hides his illness. You can only tell because he doesn't flop stretched out when he's sick, he sits only in a "loaf" with his feet tucked under him and you can see a little tension in his cheeks. So maybe it's just a mammalian nervous system to feel scared that I'm not 100%.
When I get overwhelmed with caretaking I just go to my room and rest. No one seems to mind, they carry on their activities.
I feel so vulnerable when sick. I imagine Mr. Frank must feel that way too. He hides his illness. You can only tell because he doesn't flop stretched out when he's sick, he sits only in a "loaf" with his feet tucked under him and you can see a little tension in his cheeks. So maybe it's just a mammalian nervous system to feel scared that I'm not 100%.