Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 18, 2026, 02:57:49 PMSo I'm coming to realize that coming out of the EF is, for me, a period of incredible insights and revelations. I just walked my daughter to a "play-date" afternoon with one of her friends. As I was walking back I passed through the Parc de l'Archevêché (in case you want to google it :-) AND! I had the memories of two years ago when I met with my ex-g for the last time, where she told me she had met someone new, where she drove the long-sword of my trauma to the very hilt of my attachment wound. It was a meeting from which I literally ran for my life. In my car I began screaming at the top of my lungs to keep my sanity, to keep myself from accelerating, to find a new pain, any new torture that would keep me from feeling what was actually inside me... that's the park I walked through. I have been back there, tempting chance and EFs and deep pain. I have entered and breathed and called my support group on the phone to distract me, aid me, help me through that place, which is and always will remain an enormous risk.
I walked across the gardin, classic French style, everything orderly, rectilinear, hedges perfect squares, trees clipped into boxes, bushes cut into pointed cones... I stared at the pointed cone... it was the object of nightmare I had dreamed of as a child. It was the figure of the moment when I did something so horrible, I have been running from it my entire life. It happened when I was one... maybe two years-old... It was the sacrifice of my spirit, in order to survive.
I stared at that tree like the Christmas trees in Charlie Brown's Christmas special. You whack it and it rings hollow metal...
Things come, it's all there, the mind of the baby, is still in me. I'm totally amazed... Pain IS healing. We are all trying to heal so as to reduce pain... but I now believe, Pain is the catalyst to heal. Pain IS healing. Maybe this is old news for most, but for me it is a revelation. The Pain in my shoulder, the Pain in my body, the Pain in my soul... the PAIN IS HEALING. When I am in pain, I am healing. When I abandon myself by lying in bed, I am healing. When I decide to stay inside, I am healing. When I avoid a party because I am too scared, I am healing. I have always looked down on myself, always judged myself for the things "I didn't do". But I think now that all those things I didn't do, were part of healing. I'm not "worse" or behind in my "healing schedule" because I didn't do those things. I'm very simply VERY MUCH CLOSER to doing those things because I "healed" in the past.
The proof?
I can do MORE today than I could in the past. I feel less pain in my shoulder than last month. Could I have done things to have "sped it all up"
? Almost certainly not. Or I could have amputated my arm altogether... that would have gotten rid of the pain for sure... But I want to keep my arm. I want to continue living.
Two years ago, in the Parc de l'Archevêché I was provided with the opportunity of my life... to feel in it's near entirety the full sum of pain I experienced when I was one year old... I was blessed with it's return... because this wound wants to heal... an it's going to heal... and to heal I have to hug it close to me, know it, get inside it as it is inside of me, I have to love this gift no mater how excruciating it seems. A psychic wound is timeless. It lives on as if time never moved forward, that's why I'm still suffering from it today. But as such, the wound is fresh, the intervention can happen in real-time at the instant it happens. Like the paramedics awaiting you the bottom of the cliff you just drove over. Every time I have an EF and re-plunge into that Pain, I can instantly go to my own aid. I can be my own Jesus and lay hands upon myself... Self-Savior... auto-salvation...
I want to change how I feel about the next EF. (Not least of which I KNOW it's gonna come... ("I ain't dead yet!" said my grandma :-) I want to walk right up to the thing and shake its hand... "Hello EF, where do we go today? What do I need to see? What do I need to understand? Is it possible to go deeper? How many levels of the Soul exist? Infinite, you say? Ok, lead on, I will follow, though the valley be black as death, I'll follow you. I know where you lead me now... you lead me to myself, and there, in my own arms, I will know a love that encompasses the universe. I will melt entirely with that Love and therewith know my self.
I walked across the gardin, classic French style, everything orderly, rectilinear, hedges perfect squares, trees clipped into boxes, bushes cut into pointed cones... I stared at the pointed cone... it was the object of nightmare I had dreamed of as a child. It was the figure of the moment when I did something so horrible, I have been running from it my entire life. It happened when I was one... maybe two years-old... It was the sacrifice of my spirit, in order to survive.
I stared at that tree like the Christmas trees in Charlie Brown's Christmas special. You whack it and it rings hollow metal...
Things come, it's all there, the mind of the baby, is still in me. I'm totally amazed... Pain IS healing. We are all trying to heal so as to reduce pain... but I now believe, Pain is the catalyst to heal. Pain IS healing. Maybe this is old news for most, but for me it is a revelation. The Pain in my shoulder, the Pain in my body, the Pain in my soul... the PAIN IS HEALING. When I am in pain, I am healing. When I abandon myself by lying in bed, I am healing. When I decide to stay inside, I am healing. When I avoid a party because I am too scared, I am healing. I have always looked down on myself, always judged myself for the things "I didn't do". But I think now that all those things I didn't do, were part of healing. I'm not "worse" or behind in my "healing schedule" because I didn't do those things. I'm very simply VERY MUCH CLOSER to doing those things because I "healed" in the past.
The proof?
I can do MORE today than I could in the past. I feel less pain in my shoulder than last month. Could I have done things to have "sped it all up"
? Almost certainly not. Or I could have amputated my arm altogether... that would have gotten rid of the pain for sure... But I want to keep my arm. I want to continue living.Two years ago, in the Parc de l'Archevêché I was provided with the opportunity of my life... to feel in it's near entirety the full sum of pain I experienced when I was one year old... I was blessed with it's return... because this wound wants to heal... an it's going to heal... and to heal I have to hug it close to me, know it, get inside it as it is inside of me, I have to love this gift no mater how excruciating it seems. A psychic wound is timeless. It lives on as if time never moved forward, that's why I'm still suffering from it today. But as such, the wound is fresh, the intervention can happen in real-time at the instant it happens. Like the paramedics awaiting you the bottom of the cliff you just drove over. Every time I have an EF and re-plunge into that Pain, I can instantly go to my own aid. I can be my own Jesus and lay hands upon myself... Self-Savior... auto-salvation...
I want to change how I feel about the next EF. (Not least of which I KNOW it's gonna come... ("I ain't dead yet!" said my grandma :-) I want to walk right up to the thing and shake its hand... "Hello EF, where do we go today? What do I need to see? What do I need to understand? Is it possible to go deeper? How many levels of the Soul exist? Infinite, you say? Ok, lead on, I will follow, though the valley be black as death, I'll follow you. I know where you lead me now... you lead me to myself, and there, in my own arms, I will know a love that encompasses the universe. I will melt entirely with that Love and therewith know my self.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 18, 2026, 02:04:38 PMThank you TheBigBlue!
Yes, it's always funny to hear things that you know cognitively, yet still have not integrated to the deeper levels because of Trauma. It takes the time it takes, I guess. But it does helps so much when positive messages get repeated. I need to hear these things, despite the side of me that "knows" it "knows"...
Thank you
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 18, 2026, 02:51:04 AMhere, amazingly enough, there are a bunch of honest, caring people who, as far as i've known, do not lie when they give out compliments. for me, it's been part of the reprogramming, getting pos. stuff over and over until it finally finds its way to sinking in, even if only an inch at first, but eventually all the way to the heart, cells, and soul.Thank you, San!
we wouldn't say these things if we didn't mean it. with our experiences, we know what pos., healthy parenting looks like, and i, for one, absolutely want to celebrate it. you deserve it, chart. i hope you can begin taking it in as real. this is what we all wish we had.
Yes, it's always funny to hear things that you know cognitively, yet still have not integrated to the deeper levels because of Trauma. It takes the time it takes, I guess. But it does helps so much when positive messages get repeated. I need to hear these things, despite the side of me that "knows" it "knows"...
Thank you
#23
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 18, 2026, 01:51:49 PMthank you so, chart, for the love and care you send me. it helps so much.
on another note, i read in one of your posts about feeling/not feeling pain and how it may be connected to healing. it brought up the memory of not too long ago when i finally felt the pain of having my doll disappeared from me by my mother, and how, 70 yrs. later i finally felt the pain of it. and awful it was, too, several days of it. it may just be, tho, as you suggested, that w/o feeling that pain, it simply stayed inside, causing a ruckus w/ my innards in some way, maybe down to a cellular level. now i've felt it, it's come out of me, even tho the feeling of it caused major stress responses, i do think there may be a healing element to it. thank you for bringing that up.
finally had a good night's sleep. i think i'll be able to continue writing on my third myth and magic book - i've got 2 done, and this whole writing thing is feeling like the third iteration of my life. hairdresser, therapist, now author. besides, of course, wives and mother along the way, college, trade school, work, while the rest were happening. i guess i've had a pretty busy life. a great life, actually.
and coping, struggling, confused - all that went along w/ the c-ptsd, learning about that, about myself in relations to it, the other issues that have caused me pain, anxiety, floatiness, following others in order to know where to go and how to be. bucking the 'norm', battling to be me w/o even knowing who i am. weird by wonderful in some ways. lots of adventures, lots of stories, a life fully lived. a belief system no one else can quite follow, even i can't follow it sometimes. people afraid of me cuz i'm spontaneous and unpredictable. can't be controlled, i guess, as someone once told me.
just some reflecting. sometimes it's good for me to look back, see where i've come from, what i've come thru. i think it's a grounding thing.
still thinking about parts. some responses to one of my posts mentioned my parts, how they're feeling. i truly don't know if i have parts, except the gray lady, who is the one who endures whatever situation i'm in that i want to run from but know i have to stay, see it through. i'm definitely not aware of any part like i've heard so many people talk about here. i feel rather nebulous most of the time, do things w/o much thought or planning, couldn't ever answer that job application question - where do you see yourself in 5 yrs.? never had a clue how that could even apply to me.
i can relate to having inner children, can see them when i look inside. at least, can connect them to certain incidences throughout my life. but parts? nope, can't pinpoint anything like that. i just don't see them.
on another note, i read in one of your posts about feeling/not feeling pain and how it may be connected to healing. it brought up the memory of not too long ago when i finally felt the pain of having my doll disappeared from me by my mother, and how, 70 yrs. later i finally felt the pain of it. and awful it was, too, several days of it. it may just be, tho, as you suggested, that w/o feeling that pain, it simply stayed inside, causing a ruckus w/ my innards in some way, maybe down to a cellular level. now i've felt it, it's come out of me, even tho the feeling of it caused major stress responses, i do think there may be a healing element to it. thank you for bringing that up.
finally had a good night's sleep. i think i'll be able to continue writing on my third myth and magic book - i've got 2 done, and this whole writing thing is feeling like the third iteration of my life. hairdresser, therapist, now author. besides, of course, wives and mother along the way, college, trade school, work, while the rest were happening. i guess i've had a pretty busy life. a great life, actually.
and coping, struggling, confused - all that went along w/ the c-ptsd, learning about that, about myself in relations to it, the other issues that have caused me pain, anxiety, floatiness, following others in order to know where to go and how to be. bucking the 'norm', battling to be me w/o even knowing who i am. weird by wonderful in some ways. lots of adventures, lots of stories, a life fully lived. a belief system no one else can quite follow, even i can't follow it sometimes. people afraid of me cuz i'm spontaneous and unpredictable. can't be controlled, i guess, as someone once told me.
just some reflecting. sometimes it's good for me to look back, see where i've come from, what i've come thru. i think it's a grounding thing.
still thinking about parts. some responses to one of my posts mentioned my parts, how they're feeling. i truly don't know if i have parts, except the gray lady, who is the one who endures whatever situation i'm in that i want to run from but know i have to stay, see it through. i'm definitely not aware of any part like i've heard so many people talk about here. i feel rather nebulous most of the time, do things w/o much thought or planning, couldn't ever answer that job application question - where do you see yourself in 5 yrs.? never had a clue how that could even apply to me.
i can relate to having inner children, can see them when i look inside. at least, can connect them to certain incidences throughout my life. but parts? nope, can't pinpoint anything like that. i just don't see them.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 18, 2026, 01:26:53 PMPC, i was so moved by all you talked about. i know about things being taken from me when i was young - they were disappeared and i had to make up fairy stories to explain it to myself because not to do so . . . well, my little mind could not fathom or cope w/ such a reality.
yeah, using illness as an excuse to be non-productive, as if we need one. we have all the excuse we ever need, no, not excuse, reason, we have a verifiable reason to take time for ourselves, read, play on the computer, read, watch tv, whatever it is that helps calm and soothe those frayed and fragile nerves. they were ravished in the worst way, and thank the stars you have been able to now know that.
this isn't on you, never was, never will be. the people who did this are the ones who deserve the shame, blame, guilt, all the bad gunk we carry ourselves on their behalf. what you deserve is peace, comfort, love, and caring, all the things you didn't get but have always deserved. i have no doubt that 8% is a testament to you taking care of you the way you've always needed, and w/o an excuse. it's just because that's what is best and healthiest for you. standing by you thru it all. love and hugs
yeah, using illness as an excuse to be non-productive, as if we need one. we have all the excuse we ever need, no, not excuse, reason, we have a verifiable reason to take time for ourselves, read, play on the computer, read, watch tv, whatever it is that helps calm and soothe those frayed and fragile nerves. they were ravished in the worst way, and thank the stars you have been able to now know that.
this isn't on you, never was, never will be. the people who did this are the ones who deserve the shame, blame, guilt, all the bad gunk we carry ourselves on their behalf. what you deserve is peace, comfort, love, and caring, all the things you didn't get but have always deserved. i have no doubt that 8% is a testament to you taking care of you the way you've always needed, and w/o an excuse. it's just because that's what is best and healthiest for you. standing by you thru it all. love and hugs
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 18, 2026, 12:58:03 PMPapaCoco, I'm really glad you're here and that you shared this. I want you to know how much care, thoughtfulness, and heart come through in your words. Even in the middle of something this painful, you're showing so much awareness and compassion toward yourself - that matters more than you probably realize. You're allowing yourself rest, letting Coco support you, and giving your body permission to slow down without shame. That is not giving up, that is learning a new kind of safety. The way you are noticing even small shifts, like being 8% better than yesterday, that's huge when you face tsunami waves.
You matter, PapaCoco, far more than the world ever reflected back to that little boy who had to survive so much. What you went through wasn't fair, and it never should have been yours to carry alone. And yet, here you are, with a 43-year partnership built on love and loyalty, with a depth of kindness and insight that didn't come from nowhere. That says something real about who you are.
You're not alone. It's okay to take this day exactly as it is: to rest, to be unproductive, to hide in the dark for a while, to breathe. We're really glad you're part of this community, and we're holding you with a lot of warmth and care.
You matter, PapaCoco, far more than the world ever reflected back to that little boy who had to survive so much. What you went through wasn't fair, and it never should have been yours to carry alone. And yet, here you are, with a 43-year partnership built on love and loyalty, with a depth of kindness and insight that didn't come from nowhere. That says something real about who you are.
You're not alone. It's okay to take this day exactly as it is: to rest, to be unproductive, to hide in the dark for a while, to breathe. We're really glad you're part of this community, and we're holding you with a lot of warmth and care.
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 18, 2026, 12:21:40 PMQuote from: Hope67 on January 17, 2026, 02:26:39 PMIt's probably just a coincidence that it happened. I'm not too worried about it.
This is so great. I am really sorry that you had a night terror after such a long break. But what I quoted there is a completely rational and adult reaction to this. It's very easy for all our child parts to get really upset and think it is our fault. We dared to talk about a night terror and BAM we have summoned one from the deep to punish us. My M was terrible for that sort of superstition. She really drummed it into me and I found myself feeling personally responsible for all manner of things that were nothing to do with me. The most dramatic was when the gas oven we had back in the 70s ignited strongly and singed her eyebrows. A few minutes before I had been quoting from a cartoon show where a character was saying "Oh no, somethings gonna HAPPPEN!" I thought it was funny because the character had a silly voice but got fiercely told off for my doom predictions. So of course I believed the oven issue was totally my fault.
I also agree with you that it is better to talk about things than not. I'm really glad your partner has been so good about supporting you when they happen.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Blueberry - January 18, 2026, 12:02:23 PM to you PapaCoco. You made it! You married Coco! Your FOO didn't win that one. #29
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Chart - January 18, 2026, 09:40:22 AMYou're in my thoughts this weekend, San. Take care. Sending love.
#30
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: The individual Healing Coo...
Last post by Marcine - January 18, 2026, 08:17:06 AMHi Chart,
I love your idea of sharing healing recipes.
Here are the ingredients for my daily nourishment:
- morning t'ai chi
- evening yoga and meditation
- aerobic exercise outdoors (hike, bike, swim, snowshoe, xc ski— as seasons and mood allow)
- emotional literacy
* I've practiced for the past 4+ years actively noticing and naming my feelings in the moment, writing them each as single words in circles, then with 3 lines from each circle, writing 3 related feelings under each main one. I do this with paper and pen. And when I am done noting them, I say I am feeling all this and it's ok.
(This was a Richard Grannon exercise originally.)
I found it to be the key to unlock the vault where I had had to hide my self long ago. It amazes me to see the kaleidoscope of my emotions! I sometimes have seemingly conflicting feelings at any given moment—- calm and terrified... hopeful and depressed.
And I always gain insights into my self... and eventually compassion. Especially during a flashback or stress.
It was hard to start because I didn't know how to find my feelings or identify them. Wasn't sure I was worthy of feeling them.
But I just began. With rudimentary feeling words at first, then I got more literate and built up to being able to smoothly and accurately describe my feelings to myself.
It really helped me thaw out and connect with myself. I still find it useful on a daily basis as I continue my adventure of being a good friend to myself.
I love your idea of sharing healing recipes.
Here are the ingredients for my daily nourishment:
- morning t'ai chi
- evening yoga and meditation
- aerobic exercise outdoors (hike, bike, swim, snowshoe, xc ski— as seasons and mood allow)
- emotional literacy
* I've practiced for the past 4+ years actively noticing and naming my feelings in the moment, writing them each as single words in circles, then with 3 lines from each circle, writing 3 related feelings under each main one. I do this with paper and pen. And when I am done noting them, I say I am feeling all this and it's ok.
(This was a Richard Grannon exercise originally.)
I found it to be the key to unlock the vault where I had had to hide my self long ago. It amazes me to see the kaleidoscope of my emotions! I sometimes have seemingly conflicting feelings at any given moment—- calm and terrified... hopeful and depressed.
And I always gain insights into my self... and eventually compassion. Especially during a flashback or stress.
It was hard to start because I didn't know how to find my feelings or identify them. Wasn't sure I was worthy of feeling them.
But I just began. With rudimentary feeling words at first, then I got more literate and built up to being able to smoothly and accurately describe my feelings to myself.
It really helped me thaw out and connect with myself. I still find it useful on a daily basis as I continue my adventure of being a good friend to myself.