Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 01:33:29 PMi hope so, too, hope, that the sunshine lasts awhile in as many forms as possible. love and hugs 
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 01:31:52 PMPC, i've also only lately been gently cuddled by a sense of relaxation several times. it always surprises me, but it's very welcome at the same time. i'm not sure why it's appearing now, but i'll take it. at the same time, i've become motivated to do more physical things to get my body engaged in something good for it. activated, as blueberry has mentioned. that's been feeling good as well. it may all be tied together, a shift, like you said. if that's what it is, i'll take it!
so very glad for you that you're experiencing something positive like this. we've got this! these connections, of which you've so often spoken, are real, i believe, and are gathering together around us, holding us up, providing the safety net we never had. sending love and a hug filled w/ the necessary to keep these connections going.
so very glad for you that you're experiencing something positive like this. we've got this! these connections, of which you've so often spoken, are real, i believe, and are gathering together around us, holding us up, providing the safety net we never had. sending love and a hug filled w/ the necessary to keep these connections going.
#93
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 01:14:22 PMlike many others here, i, too, have many, many incidents in my background of abuse and neglect that might not qualify as traumatic to some, but, yes, the wise words ' if you have symptoms of c-ptsd, it was bad enough', and i questioned it from time to time. i've gotten better at accepting, but it takes practice sometimes.
as far as 12,000 different troubling events, something i've come to realize is that they often can be huddled under one umbrella or another. for example, how many times were my feelings dismissed (many preverbal, i imagine)? each may have its own situation, but they were generally in the same category. that might take care of a few hundred examples. and so on. EMDR can often deal w/ puddles like that of similar instances w/o having to go thru each one individually.
just a thought. love and hugs
as far as 12,000 different troubling events, something i've come to realize is that they often can be huddled under one umbrella or another. for example, how many times were my feelings dismissed (many preverbal, i imagine)? each may have its own situation, but they were generally in the same category. that might take care of a few hundred examples. and so on. EMDR can often deal w/ puddles like that of similar instances w/o having to go thru each one individually.
just a thought. love and hugs
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - March 05, 2026, 12:48:42 PM Heavy spoiler warning. I'm in an evil mood.
I'm sitting here this morning filled with impotent rage.
My mother died peacefully in her sleep, oblivious not only to what she did to her own children, but unaware of the fact that she ever even had any.
She died alone and unloved and it's not enough for me. I don't want explanations or reconciliation. I want revenge.
People will give me excuses for her behavior or defend her or even attack *me* for being unforgiving, but I'm having none of it. She was a manipulative duplicitious selfish * who literally took her own children hostage. Abused and held us captive for months for the crime of merely existing as helpless toddlers. Children who were tortured and ruined for the crime of being offspring of a woman who didn't want us and was enraged by any reminder of our existence but also didn't want to let anyone else take us away from her. And she got away with it.
I was ruined to the point of needing rehabilitation just to walk and speak again and suffered lifetime cPTSD and a bizarre infallible memory that I can't access at will. A literal silent witness to her crimes.
My baby sister, I can't even rate the damage to her. But my brother... He lived his life filled with the same anger I feel now. He never dissociated. He lived a lifetime of anger and behavioral problems. He passed on the abuse to his children and hung himself in a closet. It was her fault.
It is not enough. If I could I would bring her back to life and force her to suffer eternal torment, unable to escape or deny her guilt for what she had done to us. Locked away all alone in a stuffy room in a tower while I'd be off partying pretending She had never been born.
She deserves far worse than she got and the tragedy is I can't change it. There's no justice.
I'm sitting here this morning filled with impotent rage.
My mother died peacefully in her sleep, oblivious not only to what she did to her own children, but unaware of the fact that she ever even had any.
She died alone and unloved and it's not enough for me. I don't want explanations or reconciliation. I want revenge.
People will give me excuses for her behavior or defend her or even attack *me* for being unforgiving, but I'm having none of it. She was a manipulative duplicitious selfish * who literally took her own children hostage. Abused and held us captive for months for the crime of merely existing as helpless toddlers. Children who were tortured and ruined for the crime of being offspring of a woman who didn't want us and was enraged by any reminder of our existence but also didn't want to let anyone else take us away from her. And she got away with it.
I was ruined to the point of needing rehabilitation just to walk and speak again and suffered lifetime cPTSD and a bizarre infallible memory that I can't access at will. A literal silent witness to her crimes.
My baby sister, I can't even rate the damage to her. But my brother... He lived his life filled with the same anger I feel now. He never dissociated. He lived a lifetime of anger and behavioral problems. He passed on the abuse to his children and hung himself in a closet. It was her fault.
It is not enough. If I could I would bring her back to life and force her to suffer eternal torment, unable to escape or deny her guilt for what she had done to us. Locked away all alone in a stuffy room in a tower while I'd be off partying pretending She had never been born.
She deserves far worse than she got and the tragedy is I can't change it. There's no justice.
#95
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 05, 2026, 03:54:11 AM
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 02:27:03 AMblueberry, i love the idea of doing some cleaning up in the garden. the weather for doing that isn't always going to be ideal, whereas, indoor chores have no weather circumstances to worry about. they'll be there, waiting, but good weather won't necessarily be so. isn't there a phrase 'make hay while the sun shines'?
as far as communicating w/ someone, may i just reiterate that your activation stance has been staying w/ me. it was too cold to walk outside this morning, so i walked up and down hallways and stairs instead for a few hundred steps. nothing big, but it was something. and since you brought 'activation' up, i have done something physical every day. so, thank you again. love and hugs
as far as communicating w/ someone, may i just reiterate that your activation stance has been staying w/ me. it was too cold to walk outside this morning, so i walked up and down hallways and stairs instead for a few hundred steps. nothing big, but it was something. and since you brought 'activation' up, i have done something physical every day. so, thank you again. love and hugs
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - March 04, 2026, 11:55:08 PMActivating myself is difficult when I don't feel any intrinsic motivation.
I finally listened to one of the Tapping Things in the 10 day tapping course I linked somewhere on the forum. The ninth day is coming to an end, but better late than never...
Anyway the topic today was motivation, or lack thereof, and the lack meaning that something's blocked rather than that you can pull the motivation out of a hat. It was useful in showing me what my big blockage is atm. Not that I have got on with dealing with it, maybe tomorrow... (1) It's communicating with somebody, where the communication is going to be a little difficult.
It also showed me what little job I could be doing that might actually help a bit with motivation - that would be going outside and doing some clean-up - there is grit from winter to sweep up, some bits of lawn and under-trees need to be raked. Well, I suppose I mean the tapping showed me that this particular job or even parts of it could be fun / slightly enjoyable as opposed to all sorts of other things I think I 'should' be doing which I cognitively classify as more important like cleaning up in the kitchen. But I've been putting of the latter for days and days, so yeah, while the weather's nice and sunny for me it would make sense to allow myself to do some garden clear-up instead of apartment clear-up. A couple of days ago in OT I was finger-painting because that helps when things get stuck and one of the first sentences to burst out of me was: "I don't want to clean!" So why try and force myself?? Much more sensible to (2) do some garden work and then see.
And (3), even more low-hanging fruit - at least get out of bed in the morning and stay up. Even if I then come onto the computer. Tomorrow is another day of tapping, I can write here on OOTS (more easily than on smartphone in bed), start with the communication under (1), it's easier to go into garden if I'm already up etc etc.
I finally listened to one of the Tapping Things in the 10 day tapping course I linked somewhere on the forum. The ninth day is coming to an end, but better late than never...
Anyway the topic today was motivation, or lack thereof, and the lack meaning that something's blocked rather than that you can pull the motivation out of a hat. It was useful in showing me what my big blockage is atm. Not that I have got on with dealing with it, maybe tomorrow... (1) It's communicating with somebody, where the communication is going to be a little difficult.
It also showed me what little job I could be doing that might actually help a bit with motivation - that would be going outside and doing some clean-up - there is grit from winter to sweep up, some bits of lawn and under-trees need to be raked. Well, I suppose I mean the tapping showed me that this particular job or even parts of it could be fun / slightly enjoyable as opposed to all sorts of other things I think I 'should' be doing which I cognitively classify as more important like cleaning up in the kitchen. But I've been putting of the latter for days and days, so yeah, while the weather's nice and sunny for me it would make sense to allow myself to do some garden clear-up instead of apartment clear-up. A couple of days ago in OT I was finger-painting because that helps when things get stuck and one of the first sentences to burst out of me was: "I don't want to clean!" So why try and force myself?? Much more sensible to (2) do some garden work and then see.
And (3), even more low-hanging fruit - at least get out of bed in the morning and stay up. Even if I then come onto the computer. Tomorrow is another day of tapping, I can write here on OOTS (more easily than on smartphone in bed), start with the communication under (1), it's easier to go into garden if I'm already up etc etc.
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: Of course it's worth it!
Last post by Blueberry - March 04, 2026, 11:36:56 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 18, 2026, 01:14:05 PMAlso that you were given that advice by the inpatient trauma place. Did you find it helpful? It strikes me as well-meaning but potentially challenging unless it was accompanied with sensible and potentially actionable suggestions of how you might go about doing that.
Yes, it was helpful at the time, not overwhelming, because I had quite a lot of acquaintances and groups of people I knew where I was welcome to go and did go quite a lot. So at the time it was about focussing more on these people and really learning maybe that I do live in this foreign country and it's OK to make it my home, and of course focussing less on FOO in my mind. I didn't really need actionable suggestions from the inpatient place.
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Marcine - March 04, 2026, 11:34:36 PMAhoy, kindred spirit 
I'm fascinated by what you wrote about the two main tools you're using and how effective they are for you!
I am going to look up Ruper Spira.
And for now, the concept of being "connected with the peace of eternity"...
well, that's going to assure a good send off into sleep for me tonight.
I'm fascinated by what you wrote about the two main tools you're using and how effective they are for you!
I am going to look up Ruper Spira.
And for now, the concept of being "connected with the peace of eternity"...
well, that's going to assure a good send off into sleep for me tonight.
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by Papa Coco - March 04, 2026, 11:03:15 PMMarcine,
What great posts. I've been moving into a spiritual understanding in a slow progression that started at birth. I believe I've been living in an existential crisis since the day I was born 65 years ago. As of late, I'm learning more than in all the 64 years before now.
Reading your posts gives me the impression that we are onto some similar healing paths.
I've been working toward authenticity for several months now. I've recently finally understood that fawning is the opposite of authenticity. All I can say now is, "Duhhhh. Of course it is! How could I have not seen that before now?"
I like reading your notes about how you are living authentically. I have a ways to go with that.
But it's encouraging to read your posts and see you are working to feel something similar to what I'm working to fill. We're social beings. Actually, we're one race of beings with 8 billion personalities, so in the reality of oneness, it always feels good to know other people are feeling or thinking similar things to me. I'm not so alone this way.
I have recently finally stopped hating myself also. I like reading your posts where you talk of loving yourself too. That holds a lot of meaning for me. The old saying is "Love your neighbor as yourself", not "Love your neighbor instead of yourself" which is the instruction I was raised to follow.
I hope the absolute best for you and also for myself and for anyone else working toward finding our authentic selves and living the lives we were originally born to live before our narcissistic families altered our courses.
What great posts. I've been moving into a spiritual understanding in a slow progression that started at birth. I believe I've been living in an existential crisis since the day I was born 65 years ago. As of late, I'm learning more than in all the 64 years before now.
Reading your posts gives me the impression that we are onto some similar healing paths.
I've been working toward authenticity for several months now. I've recently finally understood that fawning is the opposite of authenticity. All I can say now is, "Duhhhh. Of course it is! How could I have not seen that before now?"
I like reading your notes about how you are living authentically. I have a ways to go with that.
But it's encouraging to read your posts and see you are working to feel something similar to what I'm working to fill. We're social beings. Actually, we're one race of beings with 8 billion personalities, so in the reality of oneness, it always feels good to know other people are feeling or thinking similar things to me. I'm not so alone this way.
I have recently finally stopped hating myself also. I like reading your posts where you talk of loving yourself too. That holds a lot of meaning for me. The old saying is "Love your neighbor as yourself", not "Love your neighbor instead of yourself" which is the instruction I was raised to follow.
I hope the absolute best for you and also for myself and for anyone else working toward finding our authentic selves and living the lives we were originally born to live before our narcissistic families altered our courses.