Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - December 18, 2025, 01:07:18 PMHey San, this is just wonderful. I'm enjoying that you shared that the Canto "doesn't jive" with you. I believe this vital part of authentic connection can be difficult to practice here at OOTS, due to the sensitivities involved. Not sure if this is difficult for you, but I really appreciate it. Too bad you can't do tai chi and other stuff. Another layer of complexity, sigh. "Ligconcert" means "lying down concert" in Dutch. I imagine this facilitates immersion, even forgetting where you are. The repetitiveness/minimalism is something I'm sensitive to. I think it silences my mind, and perhaps even shifts me into a bit of a non-ordinary state of consciousness. The Canto is definitely heart opening for me. It goes very deep.
So cool road trips are your thing, and you have good memories of them. Certainly something I won't forget any time soon.
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It's been over a week since I got back home. I anticipated a bit of landing time, and then getting active in some way. That didn't happen. I've been stuck inside. It turns out I contracted COVID. I thought the tiredness I felt was due to working so hard, and/or transitioning into ketosis, and/or tapering off benzo's. But when I got a fever, the penny dropped. I'm probably lucky to be in ketosis right now, due to the cytokine storm, and the consequent emotional instability. It got challenging nonetheless. It landed me in a desolate, desperate place. Especially when I pretty much had to stay in bed. It was really bleak. Right into the non-connection and no way out of it of way back when. I'm still partially into it, but it's getting better quite quickly now. It's no longer absolute, which makes all the difference. Being so isolated isn't really helping at all with this. The loneliness is becoming harder to bear. I think it's literally going to kill me if I don't find a way to change that aspect of my daily life.
I've been wanting to go check on the community garden. I'm really curious to see what it looks like. I think it's been six weeks since I've been there. Right now I'm not up to it yet, and I notice a significant social anxiety around going there. Tomorrow I'll see my shrink, which is a 10 km bike ride away. So that'll be enough for the day with this bug. Maybe this weekend... I'm not going to do any work, just gonna check. Later, I'll transplant some berry shrubs that don't like my backyard very much.
So cool road trips are your thing, and you have good memories of them. Certainly something I won't forget any time soon.
********************************
It's been over a week since I got back home. I anticipated a bit of landing time, and then getting active in some way. That didn't happen. I've been stuck inside. It turns out I contracted COVID. I thought the tiredness I felt was due to working so hard, and/or transitioning into ketosis, and/or tapering off benzo's. But when I got a fever, the penny dropped. I'm probably lucky to be in ketosis right now, due to the cytokine storm, and the consequent emotional instability. It got challenging nonetheless. It landed me in a desolate, desperate place. Especially when I pretty much had to stay in bed. It was really bleak. Right into the non-connection and no way out of it of way back when. I'm still partially into it, but it's getting better quite quickly now. It's no longer absolute, which makes all the difference. Being so isolated isn't really helping at all with this. The loneliness is becoming harder to bear. I think it's literally going to kill me if I don't find a way to change that aspect of my daily life.
I've been wanting to go check on the community garden. I'm really curious to see what it looks like. I think it's been six weeks since I've been there. Right now I'm not up to it yet, and I notice a significant social anxiety around going there. Tomorrow I'll see my shrink, which is a 10 km bike ride away. So that'll be enough for the day with this bug. Maybe this weekend... I'm not going to do any work, just gonna check. Later, I'll transplant some berry shrubs that don't like my backyard very much.
#92
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by DD - December 18, 2025, 09:36:25 AMAs I was processing this quite deeply I had a new thought about this that I want to share. I've been looking at this from the wrong perspective, the thought of if it was bad enough.
If we look at when things go wrong, we can look at the consequences of it. F.ex. it was a bad car accident if people got hurt. It was a bad financial crash if it hurt peoples savings and livelihoods. What if we use this same thought to think about our hurt and trauma? What if we look at the impact of the event or thing and base the determination of "bad enough" on that instead of how we feel about it or how well we can justify it for the benefit of the other?
So here, I can firmly say that it had very bad consequences on me. I have nightmares, I felt very unsafe for months, I had to self-abandon to keep things going. it impacted my kids by proxy but they also heard some of the shouting. They also had less resources from me as I needed them to survive this. So in a way it does not matter how I think about if it was justified based on his previous life or anything. I can just look at the outcome and effects on me and the people around me. And that helps me take that small step back from myself, that I don't yet know how to keep safe well enough, and say that it was bad, because the consequences were bad, because it hit multiple people in bad ways, and it will take time to heal from. The intent of him doesn't really matter here like it does not matter if a drunk driver just had the intention to drive home but he hits someone on the way. I think I will start to determine how bad something is/was based on the consequences of it and not on the intention of the other.
If we look at when things go wrong, we can look at the consequences of it. F.ex. it was a bad car accident if people got hurt. It was a bad financial crash if it hurt peoples savings and livelihoods. What if we use this same thought to think about our hurt and trauma? What if we look at the impact of the event or thing and base the determination of "bad enough" on that instead of how we feel about it or how well we can justify it for the benefit of the other?
So here, I can firmly say that it had very bad consequences on me. I have nightmares, I felt very unsafe for months, I had to self-abandon to keep things going. it impacted my kids by proxy but they also heard some of the shouting. They also had less resources from me as I needed them to survive this. So in a way it does not matter how I think about if it was justified based on his previous life or anything. I can just look at the outcome and effects on me and the people around me. And that helps me take that small step back from myself, that I don't yet know how to keep safe well enough, and say that it was bad, because the consequences were bad, because it hit multiple people in bad ways, and it will take time to heal from. The intent of him doesn't really matter here like it does not matter if a drunk driver just had the intention to drive home but he hits someone on the way. I think I will start to determine how bad something is/was based on the consequences of it and not on the intention of the other.
#93
Sexual Abuse / Re: Self-abandonment since CSA
Last post by DD - December 18, 2025, 09:30:08 AMThank you all and 
to everyone who finds comfort and strength in it. I firmly believe it was a betrayal so deep and profound I can only process it a bit at a time. Thank you all for witnessing it, and me as a survivor of it.
Dolly: I totally agree with this point. I used to state it as "I've been broken to serve others". Part of it is intentional and relates to religious trauma. I'd like to propose another way to look at this, if it also would help someone else: What if it isn't selfishness at all? What if doing that is an integral part of being a healthy human being? My mind runs from any hint at selfishness as dangerous due to my past. So I am learning to think that it is not that but the fundamental right of human beings to notice their limitations, boundaries, resources, and needs. And to communicate them in a respectful way to others. As well as then limiting the access of anyone who does not agree to them.
Because to ignore my needs and boundaries, isn't it to ignore my humanity and my value? And anyone repeatedly doing this would then inherently be unsafe to be around if they do not stop and repair? What do you all think?
I did some profound trauma releasing this week and am having these kinds of brand new thoughts on the topic.
to everyone who finds comfort and strength in it. I firmly believe it was a betrayal so deep and profound I can only process it a bit at a time. Thank you all for witnessing it, and me as a survivor of it.Quote from: dollyvee on December 16, 2025, 09:26:55 AMFor me, it's so hard to shake the idea that I have to be a nice person. Like it just throws my world off if I do not adhere to this, and healthy selfishness is something I'm working on. But I get how something so normal for others can be so outside my sphere of relating.
Dolly: I totally agree with this point. I used to state it as "I've been broken to serve others". Part of it is intentional and relates to religious trauma. I'd like to propose another way to look at this, if it also would help someone else: What if it isn't selfishness at all? What if doing that is an integral part of being a healthy human being? My mind runs from any hint at selfishness as dangerous due to my past. So I am learning to think that it is not that but the fundamental right of human beings to notice their limitations, boundaries, resources, and needs. And to communicate them in a respectful way to others. As well as then limiting the access of anyone who does not agree to them.
Because to ignore my needs and boundaries, isn't it to ignore my humanity and my value? And anyone repeatedly doing this would then inherently be unsafe to be around if they do not stop and repair? What do you all think?
I did some profound trauma releasing this week and am having these kinds of brand new thoughts on the topic.
#95
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 18, 2025, 05:23:57 AMstill reeling in pain so i want to pick a pear and eat it w/ some muenster cheese while i sit in a rocking chair near the fire and just wait till the pain goes away. thanks for the cookies - i'll have one of those as well. what kind are they? just curious. or i can make them be choco chip w/ nuts just cuz i love those. i'm babbling, really brain dead right now.
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 18, 2025, 12:40:12 AMChart, thank you for writing this so honestly. Seeing someone I admire - someone who often seems much more put together than I feel - name the fear, doubt, and ongoing work behind it all really matters. It reminds me that progress doesn't mean being untouched by CPTSD; it means staying present and living anyway.
Your 51% goal feels real, humane, and possible. I'm glad you shared this, and I'm really glad you're here. 🌤
Your 51% goal feels real, humane, and possible. I'm glad you shared this, and I'm really glad you're here. 🌤
#97
Announcements / Re: Thank You
Last post by Kizzie - December 17, 2025, 08:31:26 PMTks Sense Organ, I appreciate the appreciation 
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Little2Nothing - December 17, 2025, 04:35:47 PMChart, I think you're right that this is a form of grief. It is encouraging to read about you're connection with your younger self and how healing it has been.
I'm sure I will get there eventually. I was just able to see myself at 10 years old as being a 10 yr old. I have been disconnected from that part of my life. I'm learning to give 10 year old me some slack. When I looked back I despised that part of me for being weak.
I would not be that harsh on any other 10 yr old I know. I can look with empathy on any child (not me) suffering abuse. Intellectually I know that is absurd. But, I guess intelligence and trauma are two different things. It has been a struggle making the connection.
Anyway, I'm working on it and hope I will get to where you are.
Thanks for sharing, by the way. It is an encouragement to me
I'm sure I will get there eventually. I was just able to see myself at 10 years old as being a 10 yr old. I have been disconnected from that part of my life. I'm learning to give 10 year old me some slack. When I looked back I despised that part of me for being weak.
I would not be that harsh on any other 10 yr old I know. I can look with empathy on any child (not me) suffering abuse. Intellectually I know that is absurd. But, I guess intelligence and trauma are two different things. It has been a struggle making the connection.
Anyway, I'm working on it and hope I will get to where you are.
Thanks for sharing, by the way. It is an encouragement to me
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 17, 2025, 04:29:52 PMinteresting, SO, about the vitamins. some people can tolerate some things, others can't at all. we're marvelous as being different. i'll let her know. thank you for the info.
thanks for your support, chart.
thank you, NK - you made me smile!
the phone consult didn't go cuz it turned out she was in a different state. the other T i contacted doesn't take insurance/medicare so that was also done before it began. i emailed 2 other T's, in state, who, if i read it right, do take medicare, so we'll see what happens. fingers crossed! it's helpful now that a lot of them do zoom calls/televisists or whatever it's called. hopefully, someone will check in with me.
thanks for your support, chart.
thank you, NK - you made me smile!
the phone consult didn't go cuz it turned out she was in a different state. the other T i contacted doesn't take insurance/medicare so that was also done before it began. i emailed 2 other T's, in state, who, if i read it right, do take medicare, so we'll see what happens. fingers crossed! it's helpful now that a lot of them do zoom calls/televisists or whatever it's called. hopefully, someone will check in with me.
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 17, 2025, 04:23:58 PMhey, SO, so glad you got a road trip under your belt at one point - those are my thing, or were, before the anxiety took over. but i'll never forget. and i'm sure you won't either.
i listened to part of this 'canto', but couldn't get all the way through. i noticed the people lying on the floor, and her first notes reminded me of those 'singing' bowls people use to adjust their chakras or something. unfortunately, they do not resonate w/ my energy at all. and his repetitiveness also went against my grain, so i had to stop. i'm sure this is a wonderful piece for a lot of people, and thanks for placing it here. it reaffirmed my problems w/ these kinds of energy works. can't do tai chi, or others like that, either.
good for you for lining up connections for yourself. i'm smiling for you right now. well done! love and hugs
i listened to part of this 'canto', but couldn't get all the way through. i noticed the people lying on the floor, and her first notes reminded me of those 'singing' bowls people use to adjust their chakras or something. unfortunately, they do not resonate w/ my energy at all. and his repetitiveness also went against my grain, so i had to stop. i'm sure this is a wonderful piece for a lot of people, and thanks for placing it here. it reaffirmed my problems w/ these kinds of energy works. can't do tai chi, or others like that, either.
good for you for lining up connections for yourself. i'm smiling for you right now. well done! love and hugs