Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 19, 2026, 02:01:37 AM I've figured out the root of my heightened anxiety these past few weeks. It's my decision to request the records from my time in foster care in '74. It ramped up when they e-mailed me back and said they had retrieved them.
Sleeplessness, unrestful sleep, loss of appetite, gimpiness, jumpiness, emotional instability, loss of focus, tremors...
I'm not afraid of what I may find in that file. I have enough episodic memories to know basically what happened. I'm excited to learn the details and fill in some blanks. Names, dates, addresses, circumstances.
But my subconscious is *terrified* that I'm asking questions, actively digging, and finding answers. I'm not supposed to do this. I'm supposed to drop this matter and carry on, stop being so nosey. After all, my subconscious screwed up my memories for my own protection.
My T told me that "letting it go" is what a lot of people do. They hang onto the memories they retain, heal, grow, and move forward. But perhaps due to my innate inquisitiveness or fractured sense of "self", I cannot.
I've been living with cPTSD since I was a teenager and my adult life was pretty much normal (for me) up until 3 years ago. I had all the hallmarks of it, but I didn't know. It wasn't until I found out that I had it that it got really bad.
It's like a scab that won't heal because I won't stop picking at it. I don't know what will happen from here. Maybe I'll get my answers, maybe I'll crash out.
Sleeplessness, unrestful sleep, loss of appetite, gimpiness, jumpiness, emotional instability, loss of focus, tremors...
I'm not afraid of what I may find in that file. I have enough episodic memories to know basically what happened. I'm excited to learn the details and fill in some blanks. Names, dates, addresses, circumstances.
But my subconscious is *terrified* that I'm asking questions, actively digging, and finding answers. I'm not supposed to do this. I'm supposed to drop this matter and carry on, stop being so nosey. After all, my subconscious screwed up my memories for my own protection.
My T told me that "letting it go" is what a lot of people do. They hang onto the memories they retain, heal, grow, and move forward. But perhaps due to my innate inquisitiveness or fractured sense of "self", I cannot.
I've been living with cPTSD since I was a teenager and my adult life was pretty much normal (for me) up until 3 years ago. I had all the hallmarks of it, but I didn't know. It wasn't until I found out that I had it that it got really bad.
It's like a scab that won't heal because I won't stop picking at it. I don't know what will happen from here. Maybe I'll get my answers, maybe I'll crash out.
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by HannahOne - February 19, 2026, 01:35:45 AMHooray for activation! 
I've recently joined a gym while doing PT and it is making a big difference. Being grounded in the here and now, the body, while music plays, and with others in the same space. Here's to forty days of active living!
I've recently joined a gym while doing PT and it is making a big difference. Being grounded in the here and now, the body, while music plays, and with others in the same space. Here's to forty days of active living!
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by HannahOne - February 19, 2026, 01:34:12 AMI've been following your posts and so glad to read both sides of the coin you're carrying PapaCoco. The loneliness in all its layers and complexity, and also the connections, secure, identity-giving, worth living for. Thank you for posting on the forum.
#95
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - February 19, 2026, 12:08:29 AMThanks! You are all giving me great hugs and some really good conversation.
This is me hugging you all back:
I agree with everything you all wrote. I really liked reading in TheBigBlue's response about how loneliness has many types, and that the type of loneliness that haunts me is mostly caused by feeling unsafe around people. I feel alone, even when I'm sitting face to face with someone I don't trust.
When I joined this forum I was on my own death row. I was so close to ending my own life that I found this forum out of desperation. When the forum guided me to create a name for myself, I chose Papa Coco because that's what my wife, kids and grandkids call me, and they were the very reason I didn't want to sink any lower. I wanted to live for them. So I named myself Papa Coco to remind me every single day of why it was important that I connect with others who understand life the way I do. Birds of a feather, as it were.
This forum Itself isn't the magic, it's the people who subscribe to it that do the magic.
I feel a lot better today. I'm feeling like writing on the forum today, and I'm grateful to have this community of beautiful souls to share that with. Some days I just can't get my head to formulate words, but today, I'm feeling a bit better.
Thanks for helping to fix the loneliness I struggle with. I DO trust the people here. I DO trust my wife, kids and grandkids. To heck with the rest of the world. I have my friends here.
Much love to everyone.
PC
This is me hugging you all back:
I agree with everything you all wrote. I really liked reading in TheBigBlue's response about how loneliness has many types, and that the type of loneliness that haunts me is mostly caused by feeling unsafe around people. I feel alone, even when I'm sitting face to face with someone I don't trust.
When I joined this forum I was on my own death row. I was so close to ending my own life that I found this forum out of desperation. When the forum guided me to create a name for myself, I chose Papa Coco because that's what my wife, kids and grandkids call me, and they were the very reason I didn't want to sink any lower. I wanted to live for them. So I named myself Papa Coco to remind me every single day of why it was important that I connect with others who understand life the way I do. Birds of a feather, as it were.
This forum Itself isn't the magic, it's the people who subscribe to it that do the magic.
I feel a lot better today. I'm feeling like writing on the forum today, and I'm grateful to have this community of beautiful souls to share that with. Some days I just can't get my head to formulate words, but today, I'm feeling a bit better.
Thanks for helping to fix the loneliness I struggle with. I DO trust the people here. I DO trust my wife, kids and grandkids. To heck with the rest of the world. I have my friends here.
Much love to everyone.
PC
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - February 18, 2026, 09:38:54 PMQuote from: Armee on February 18, 2026, 08:27:13 PMI agree that with dissociation activation is so much a huge huge key.
Thanks for the validation! I hadn't even thought of that, in so many words. (Thank you for giving me words for what's going on within me.)
Quote from: Armee on February 18, 2026, 08:27:13 PMI wonder if singing is an activator for you?
If I were to sing, even just a line or two or a snatch of something, that would definitely be a form of activation. So would going to choir practice or even church. Singing is not easy atm, not sort of dropping into my lap sort of thing. Yesterday an exercise from voice lessons suddenly dropped into my mind, so that was something I suppose.
I'm not sure what your question means though. Are you wondering if I were to sing, if that would further activate me? I don't know about that, for the moment it would be putting the bar too high and in a way it would be kind of sneaky and likely to set off an inner child/teen making one of them feel coerced. I don't want to wake up anything like that atm.
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - February 18, 2026, 09:31:06 PMQuote from: SenseOrgan on February 18, 2026, 05:39:39 PMQuote from: Blueberry on February 18, 2026, 09:33:22 AMBut I have started.Small things can be big. I hope that makes sense.
It does, yes, thank you!
Somehow I didn't even realise that I put this on Recovery Journals! But that's good because I retain more of the "just for now, just for today, just for 24 hours" sorta thing. In my mind, it was more a thing for Lent rather than my doing an act of kindness to myself every day, which I have done in other years.
Now with trying to activate myself in some way daily, it feels like I'm adding something rather than restricting myself. Restricting myself feels triggering and is just not easy to do for a week never mind the whole of Lent.
#98
Therapy / Re: Body reactions and somatic...
Last post by LaylaDalal - February 18, 2026, 08:54:00 PMHi BB and NK,
Thank you so much for your responses and for the validation. Its good to read that you appreciate the integrative approach as well.
And also interesting to read NKs descriptions of dissociation during a session. It makes me think of how grateful I am by now to be sometimes co-conscious like that, so I can witness what another part is doing or saying. 2 years ago, I would just not remember everything. It reminds me of what change did indeed happen already...
So great that you NK, could let teenage NK take over willingly by sharing her needs. To me it feels like such moments are so incredibly prescious.
I also feel a lot of freeze state in a sense, like you, BB described, despite shaking and fainting. Its like it goes forth and back between flight-freeze-collapse, its such an insane mixture. But in this utter chaos, there are parts coming out (in a sense, cause they cant talk) who know all the truth. Its horrible but validating at the same time...
Thank you so much for your responses and for the validation. Its good to read that you appreciate the integrative approach as well.
And also interesting to read NKs descriptions of dissociation during a session. It makes me think of how grateful I am by now to be sometimes co-conscious like that, so I can witness what another part is doing or saying. 2 years ago, I would just not remember everything. It reminds me of what change did indeed happen already...
So great that you NK, could let teenage NK take over willingly by sharing her needs. To me it feels like such moments are so incredibly prescious.
I also feel a lot of freeze state in a sense, like you, BB described, despite shaking and fainting. Its like it goes forth and back between flight-freeze-collapse, its such an insane mixture. But in this utter chaos, there are parts coming out (in a sense, cause they cant talk) who know all the truth. Its horrible but validating at the same time...
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Armee - February 18, 2026, 08:27:13 PM Welcome to a new journal and a promising new approach! I agree that with dissociation activation is so much a huge huge key. I wonder if singing is an activator for you?
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Armee - February 18, 2026, 08:23:29 PM I'll say more when I have the time to express my thoughts clearly. Or as clearly as I am able. But that love is your favorite thing...it says so much dear.
Take care