Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 26, 2026, 03:51:36 AMChart, I hear you. Sitting with pain without dissociating or pushing it away is brutally hard work, even when it doesn't feel like work at all. Feeling empty, fake, or unable to respond doesn't mean you are those things though. It often just means you are right in the middle of it.
Thank you for the Schore video. For me too, understanding what is happening in the nervous system can sometimes create just enough steadiness to stay present.
Even if the duck video failed tonight 🦆💛, you're still here, and we are staying with you; and that counts more than it feels like right now.
Thank you for the Schore video. For me too, understanding what is happening in the nervous system can sometimes create just enough steadiness to stay present.
Even if the duck video failed tonight 🦆💛, you're still here, and we are staying with you; and that counts more than it feels like right now.
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 26, 2026, 02:42:16 AMChart, SenseOrgan, TheBigBlue, thank you for commenting!
SenseOrgan, "the dog doesn't know it's a dog."
That IS astute! How to carry knowing with some equanimity and less suffering is the ongoing question. Compartmentalizing/pretending didn't work. How can it be ok to know what I know, how can I be ok with knowing? Or be ok with not being ok with knowing? An attitude to cultivate. I can create the conditions, and give time and energy for equanimity to grow. Pulling it out every five minutes to yell at the roots "ARE YOU GROWING YET?!" is probably not going to work
SenseOrgan, "the dog doesn't know it's a dog."
That IS astute! How to carry knowing with some equanimity and less suffering is the ongoing question. Compartmentalizing/pretending didn't work. How can it be ok to know what I know, how can I be ok with knowing? Or be ok with not being ok with knowing? An attitude to cultivate. I can create the conditions, and give time and energy for equanimity to grow. Pulling it out every five minutes to yell at the roots "ARE YOU GROWING YET?!" is probably not going to work #93
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 26, 2026, 01:08:06 AMQuote from: Chart on January 25, 2026, 06:36:54 PMQuote from: lowbudgetTV on January 23, 2026, 11:56:20 PMI try to remember the bad things to avoid the guilt. I still just want loving parents sometimes, though.It's sad, really sad. But that's how it is.
Yeah. I love writing and being creative, so I tend to harness the need to be my own parent into actual characters.
...
It has been hard since I live in Minnesota currently, which if you know you know what I mean. There are more present problems than parents. We are safe though! My head (migraines) has been bad recently but I am getting through.
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 26, 2026, 12:32:09 AM 🦆 🦆 🦆 🦆 🦆
#95
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 25, 2026, 07:40:36 PMIt's so brave to share this here HannahOne. Your mind seems to be giving you a hard time at the moment. You're not responsible for the hand you were dealt. For none of the domino's that were set in motion. I have a hunch you did more than your best to play the game as best as you possibly could. That's good enough. Even if the fruits of your efforts aren't edible right now.
Today I heard one of my teachers talk about her dog. She said the dog doesn't even know she's a dog. Astute. I presume the absence of mind-identification equals non-duality. That's full-on. No filter. No escape. No trips into what's not happening [aka thoughts]. Intense emotions that leave the system rather quickly compared to what lingers in ours. What I've observed is a correlation between openness to difficult emotions, their intensity, and how long they stick around. It boils down to what Shinzen Young said: "Suffering = Pain × Resistance. Purification = Pain × Equanimity". That's not a switch that can be flipped at will. Especially not for traumatized people. Rather an attitude that can be cultivated, which does seep into deeper layers over time. Deconditioning/reconditioning is a messy, non-liniar process. Feeling intense emotions, or being hijacked by the mind doesn't necessarily mean that something is going wrong, or that you are. It happens. And there's Frank.
We share Frank's beingness in our equally mammalian systems. We're just dealing with an extra layer of distraction from it that we identify with much more than is helpful. The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master, as they say.
Much love
"Still a good duck". That's priceless Marcine
Today I heard one of my teachers talk about her dog. She said the dog doesn't even know she's a dog. Astute. I presume the absence of mind-identification equals non-duality. That's full-on. No filter. No escape. No trips into what's not happening [aka thoughts]. Intense emotions that leave the system rather quickly compared to what lingers in ours. What I've observed is a correlation between openness to difficult emotions, their intensity, and how long they stick around. It boils down to what Shinzen Young said: "Suffering = Pain × Resistance. Purification = Pain × Equanimity". That's not a switch that can be flipped at will. Especially not for traumatized people. Rather an attitude that can be cultivated, which does seep into deeper layers over time. Deconditioning/reconditioning is a messy, non-liniar process. Feeling intense emotions, or being hijacked by the mind doesn't necessarily mean that something is going wrong, or that you are. It happens. And there's Frank.
We share Frank's beingness in our equally mammalian systems. We're just dealing with an extra layer of distraction from it that we identify with much more than is helpful. The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master, as they say.
Much love
"Still a good duck". That's priceless Marcine
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by Chart - January 25, 2026, 06:36:54 PMQuote from: lowbudgetTV on January 23, 2026, 11:56:20 PMI try to remember the bad things to avoid the guilt. I still just want loving parents sometimes, though.I believe that is normal and healthy. Was just writing about that to NarcKiddo...
But the truth is we have to take care of ourselves now. No more guilt for parents who totally messed me up. I took care of my mother long enough, was never my job, and now I'm stumbling around and trying to straighten myself out.
It's sad, really sad. But that's how it is.
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Chart - January 25, 2026, 06:30:24 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on January 23, 2026, 02:09:28 PMIt seems there is some sort of yearning for a loving mother even though as far as I can tell every single part of me loathes and fears my actual mother and wants nothing to do with her.It's the contrast between the primal attachment need which is universal and unconditional, and what you ended up actually getting...
I explicitly reject nearly EVERYTHING my mother is interested in. I don't even feel bad about it anymore. I KNOW... if mom's into it, it's toxic... or dumb. Might sound infantile, but 57 years of reinforced direct experience doesn't lie.
I think keeping distance and barriers is totally healthy. And Safety is compromised when toxic people access our "safe geographic zones". Plain as a pikestaff!
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 25, 2026, 05:53:09 PMThanks SO and San!!!
Well, if dysregulation indicates "not broken" I'm as whole as an apple tonight. Just sitting here with my pain. Breathing, trying to not push it away or dissociate. It's really hard... but you know that already. I'm trying to read and visit around the Forum. That's hard too. Finding that I want to reply, in fact have things I'd like to contribute... but I feel fake and false and empty and, and all that crap... Even the duck video didn't help me. You know your in the dung when even the duck video fails to bring any light into the gloom...
Well, if dysregulation indicates "not broken" I'm as whole as an apple tonight. Just sitting here with my pain. Breathing, trying to not push it away or dissociate. It's really hard... but you know that already. I'm trying to read and visit around the Forum. That's hard too. Finding that I want to reply, in fact have things I'd like to contribute... but I feel fake and false and empty and, and all that crap... Even the duck video didn't help me. You know your in the dung when even the duck video fails to bring any light into the gloom...
#100
Successes, Progress? / Re: Post-Traumatic Joy
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 25, 2026, 04:45:00 PMToday I took a two-hour walk in a wooded area. It was just above freezing and the sun was out. An ideal winter day for the sunlight deprived. On my way back home, I walked to the super market to pick up some coconut milk for cooking. I often have at least a little anxiety when I enter a store. It had been a while since I walked in without any of that. I felt totally normal now. That's the word that came up. No different than any of the other customers [it was crowded]. I belonged there just as much as the next person. And there it was again. Post-traumatic joy. I really enjoyed being there, completely free of anxiety. I wasn't looking for it, or didn't plan anything. It just happened. Normally I get what I need and get out of there asap. Today I took my sweet time looking around, savoring the moment.