Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Armee - January 27, 2026, 03:26:14 PM
Keep up all the good work Chart...
I like your new-found French voice in speaking up.
Preverbal trauma...yup. there from birth, you are absolutely right...
Dysfunctional parents aren't somehow in some functional bubble of bliss postpartum. In these families it stretches all the way back.
In my case drugs, alcohol, in-utero violence, and a mom who praised me for being such a good baby that she could leave me alone in my crib for hours and I'd never cry. Even a note in a baby book to ask the doctor "she never cries...is that normal?" I already gave up on help coming. Already deploying dissociation.
They did the best they could, no? [Insert maniacal laughter]
You are doing a phenomenal job figuring this stuff out, absorbing it, accepting it, and stopping the cycle. You should be incredibly proud.
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 27, 2026, 03:23:13 PMwell done to both of you, SO and chart! inspiring examples of taking your place and space on this earth. SO, standing up for yourself, for what you need, was definitely taking back and owning your power. very glad for you! love and hugs
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 27, 2026, 03:16:15 PMhey, chart, i agree w/ you about the whole can of worms that can be pre-verbal trauma. the idea that our parents didn't wait till we had some form of logical brains made a whole lot of sense. that put a whole 'nother layer on it for me. it really could mean there's a lot more preverbal trauma than we had ever thought of. that's a frickin' scary thought. whew!
glad you were able to get back to work, even if you're not 100% today. i don't know if that feels like an accomplishment for you or a necessity in order to pay the bills.
i totally relate to the idea of my boundaries not being a priority for anyone - not only my parents, but my sister as well. dang, we've survived a whole lot of crapola - the gift that keeps on giving, right?! love and hugs
glad you were able to get back to work, even if you're not 100% today. i don't know if that feels like an accomplishment for you or a necessity in order to pay the bills.
i totally relate to the idea of my boundaries not being a priority for anyone - not only my parents, but my sister as well. dang, we've survived a whole lot of crapola - the gift that keeps on giving, right?! love and hugs
#95
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - January 27, 2026, 03:11:15 PMHi SenseOrgan,
I just saw your reply - thank you!
I love that you've got some good vibes from my posts 
I hope the Unshaming book arrives soon for you. I am so glad to have bought it - very grateful for your mentioning it.
I just saw your reply - thank you!
I love that you've got some good vibes from my posts I hope the Unshaming book arrives soon for you. I am so glad to have bought it - very grateful for your mentioning it.
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - January 27, 2026, 03:09:13 PMThank you SanMagic - I very much appreciate what you said
Thanks TheBigBlue - I also try to leave some space and opportunity for my anger to surface, as I do think it is protective. Thanks for what you said.
*********
27th January 2026
I've been dreaming lately - really realistic dreams. I've been waking up from those dreams with very tense muscles, as if I've been in a state of fight/flight in the dreams. Some of the dreams have been based in my early childhood settings - but I think I've been an adult, rather than a child. I think I've been taking a more 'active' role in the dreams - i.e. rather than being a passive person, I've been actively involved in 'actions' - so this feels quite good to me, when I reflect on it. It's like I'm actively taking some steps towards some independence and actively making some differences in the dreams, rather than running away/being scared/feeling terror.
I haven't been doing any bilateral stimulation for the past fortnight - I had been doing it daily before that - listening to the binaural beats music - but for some reason I felt like it had integrated something for me, and I just didn't need to do it in the past couple of weeks! I think that's amazing really.
I've also noticed that I've been getting some flashbacks of memories relating to my teenage years and early 20's - just now and then, but they feel as if they're correctly placed in time and place - which is interesting as before I wasn't able to pinpoint such things - it felt so much more fragmented - it's like it's beginning to link together and make some grounded sense. I don't think I can convey this appropriately in words, but just writing this will remind me of what I'm thinking of.
I've started reading the book about Shame called 'Unshaming' - but I've noticed that I can't read much of it in one go - I need to pace it in very short chunks - which is ok - I suspect I am then able to process it more. But I also recognise that there's something 'stopping' me from reading it for long. I am respectful of that - I'll try to pace it at the level it seems to want to be.
Thanks TheBigBlue - I also try to leave some space and opportunity for my anger to surface, as I do think it is protective. Thanks for what you said.
*********
27th January 2026
I've been dreaming lately - really realistic dreams. I've been waking up from those dreams with very tense muscles, as if I've been in a state of fight/flight in the dreams. Some of the dreams have been based in my early childhood settings - but I think I've been an adult, rather than a child. I think I've been taking a more 'active' role in the dreams - i.e. rather than being a passive person, I've been actively involved in 'actions' - so this feels quite good to me, when I reflect on it. It's like I'm actively taking some steps towards some independence and actively making some differences in the dreams, rather than running away/being scared/feeling terror.
I haven't been doing any bilateral stimulation for the past fortnight - I had been doing it daily before that - listening to the binaural beats music - but for some reason I felt like it had integrated something for me, and I just didn't need to do it in the past couple of weeks! I think that's amazing really.
I've also noticed that I've been getting some flashbacks of memories relating to my teenage years and early 20's - just now and then, but they feel as if they're correctly placed in time and place - which is interesting as before I wasn't able to pinpoint such things - it felt so much more fragmented - it's like it's beginning to link together and make some grounded sense. I don't think I can convey this appropriately in words, but just writing this will remind me of what I'm thinking of.
I've started reading the book about Shame called 'Unshaming' - but I've noticed that I can't read much of it in one go - I need to pace it in very short chunks - which is ok - I suspect I am then able to process it more. But I also recognise that there's something 'stopping' me from reading it for long. I am respectful of that - I'll try to pace it at the level it seems to want to be.
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 27, 2026, 02:59:36 PMA productive/constructive first month of this year for you, isn't it? I'm getting good vibes from your posts Very much looking forward to the unshaming book. Almost there... Your earlier quote from the book is profound. Little overt violence needs to happen in order to install toxic shame in a child. Chronic misattunement/emotional neglect is a solid pathway for that.
Very much looking forward to the unshaming book. Almost there... Your earlier quote from the book is profound. Little overt violence needs to happen in order to install toxic shame in a child. Chronic misattunement/emotional neglect is a solid pathway for that. #98
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Hope67 - January 27, 2026, 02:55:41 PMHi NarcKiddo,
I really related to you saying that you experienced 'rage attacks when cooking was involved' (relating to your experiences when young and your M was cooking). It reminded me of my own M, and her 'rages' about having to cook. When I read that you had been called a traitor just for staying with your F, instead of following your M, and that you were just six years old - that made me feel angry towards your M for her calousness and for her egocentricity.
I also relate to what you said about how your M infiltrates your spaces and doesn't give you much space to have them for yourself - I feel like I'm on Little NK's side - cheering her along that she is right to feel maligned by those things. Wow, when you labelled your M as a 'great mould fungus' - that made me laugh, but only in terms of how crazy it is that someone can impact so much on our lives and on parts of ourselves - to feel like there's a fungal infection - I wish there was some anti-fungal treatment that could be magically sprayed around all areas, so that her spores could be erased from impacting any further.
Please disregard anything that feels 'over the top' in my words - I am literally just writing as I was thinking, and didn't really think through what I've written.
Sending you a big hug and another one for Little NK
I really related to you saying that you experienced 'rage attacks when cooking was involved' (relating to your experiences when young and your M was cooking). It reminded me of my own M, and her 'rages' about having to cook. When I read that you had been called a traitor just for staying with your F, instead of following your M, and that you were just six years old - that made me feel angry towards your M for her calousness and for her egocentricity.
I also relate to what you said about how your M infiltrates your spaces and doesn't give you much space to have them for yourself - I feel like I'm on Little NK's side - cheering her along that she is right to feel maligned by those things. Wow, when you labelled your M as a 'great mould fungus' - that made me laugh, but only in terms of how crazy it is that someone can impact so much on our lives and on parts of ourselves - to feel like there's a fungal infection - I wish there was some anti-fungal treatment that could be magically sprayed around all areas, so that her spores could be erased from impacting any further.
Please disregard anything that feels 'over the top' in my words - I am literally just writing as I was thinking, and didn't really think through what I've written.
Sending you a big hug
and another one for Little NK #99
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Hope67 - January 27, 2026, 02:44:03 PMI hope your session went smoothly, thinking of you
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 27, 2026, 02:26:47 PMI'm not sure if I'm interpreting your entry correctly. Please ignore if I'm missing the mark. And perhaps I'm too direct, so a bit of a TW there. Reading your words, I was taken back to an experience in which there was no bs'ing myself possible. What I saw clearly, is that deep down, I don't want to be alive. Because this existence is so painful. It that it? Does your therapist skip over this by insisting on you reaching certain goals? Does your therapist allow you to have these feelings? Does (s)he make space for that to be real and validated in connection?
Generally, people seem to flip out on me drinking water. Hot water in particular. Except for tea in the morning, it's about all I drink. Because I like it. My therapist found it a little odd too when I started with it. He didn't push me like yours did though. There were just the facial expressions and perhaps a few remarks indicating it's a little odd to him. After a while, he started asking me if I'd like some hot water. It didn't feel like therapy for me, but these things can be.
Generally, people seem to flip out on me drinking water. Hot water in particular. Except for tea in the morning, it's about all I drink. Because I like it. My therapist found it a little odd too when I started with it. He didn't push me like yours did though. There were just the facial expressions and perhaps a few remarks indicating it's a little odd to him. After a while, he started asking me if I'd like some hot water. It didn't feel like therapy for me, but these things can be.