Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - October 08, 2025, 11:26:13 AM10-8-25
Still waiting for the coffee to get done for my first cup. BP is 129/66. I had known that current medical attitudes aren't towards finding root cause(s) that it's " all about the chemicals baby " and also come to find out that the interactions between the 3 different BP meds is depression, agitation, general pissed off type attitude. There's more, I figured though I'd stick with the stuff that I've been dealing with. Not to mention that the blue light that every screen (including TV's) / most lighting LED's put out, also impacts mental health and jacks up circadian rhythm ... Fer F's sake. And trying to find incandescent blubs for home use? Yeah, I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to get some through non-official channels. It's starting to be come apparent to me that "official" narrative is absolutely garbage. ( to put it nicely ). I'd like to use stronger language however after the scripts get done it would be nothing more than a series of *******.
sigh.
Well, need to get myself put together to go to the day job. I'm grateful for it while at the same time being totally "over" it. Even now, with all the experience I've had with things going sideways, and for some reason I'm responsible for it getting straightened out, one would think that those instances wouldn't stick in my craw. They still do though.
Wishing all here all the best
Still waiting for the coffee to get done for my first cup. BP is 129/66. I had known that current medical attitudes aren't towards finding root cause(s) that it's " all about the chemicals baby " and also come to find out that the interactions between the 3 different BP meds is depression, agitation, general pissed off type attitude. There's more, I figured though I'd stick with the stuff that I've been dealing with. Not to mention that the blue light that every screen (including TV's) / most lighting LED's put out, also impacts mental health and jacks up circadian rhythm ... Fer F's sake. And trying to find incandescent blubs for home use? Yeah, I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to get some through non-official channels. It's starting to be come apparent to me that "official" narrative is absolutely garbage. ( to put it nicely ). I'd like to use stronger language however after the scripts get done it would be nothing more than a series of *******.
sigh.
Well, need to get myself put together to go to the day job. I'm grateful for it while at the same time being totally "over" it. Even now, with all the experience I've had with things going sideways, and for some reason I'm responsible for it getting straightened out, one would think that those instances wouldn't stick in my craw. They still do though.
Wishing all here all the best
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by NarcKiddo - October 08, 2025, 11:03:24 AM
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - October 08, 2025, 10:26:16 AMQuote from: NarcKiddo on September 29, 2025, 11:56:20 AMI find that putting a load of freshly ground black pepper on hard boiled eggs helps to liven them up in the absence of salt.Found that thyme is also good on eggs
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - October 08, 2025, 10:08:49 AMI let my mom know I need distance at the moment, and it doesn't feel right for me to come and help (which she asked me to). It's now obvious something's up, and the seven year period of mostly relating to each other in a kind, yet superficial way is over. Looking back, I think it's been a helpful period of relative normalcy that followed five years of no contact and everything before that. My mom has helped me a great deal in recent years, and has been caring and respectful towards me. Who she is hasn't fundamentally changed. How this permeates our relationship has. I think she has been holding back a lot in order not to lose me. Guilt may be a factor too.
I noticed it's a big deal for me to break the modus operandi we have developed. It's the kind of bond a lot of parents and adult children would be happy to have. It most likely is the best possible way to still connect for us too. So in a sense we have already arrived at the end point. I do not necessarily want to change this. Speaking my mind is more important to me though. It for sure is going to disrupt how we relate. What I'm about to do is going to have a lot more impact than setting a simple boundary like I just did.
At least I now have created the space for myself to pick my moment to communicate what I want to. I can prepare for this moment and we'll see what'll happen after I've said my piece. My mom's crisis is related to what she asked my help for. It tells me that is now most likely over. I feel okay to go ahead whenever I've determined what it is exactly that I want to say. I'm scared. But this is the right thing to do.
I noticed it's a big deal for me to break the modus operandi we have developed. It's the kind of bond a lot of parents and adult children would be happy to have. It most likely is the best possible way to still connect for us too. So in a sense we have already arrived at the end point. I do not necessarily want to change this. Speaking my mind is more important to me though. It for sure is going to disrupt how we relate. What I'm about to do is going to have a lot more impact than setting a simple boundary like I just did.
At least I now have created the space for myself to pick my moment to communicate what I want to. I can prepare for this moment and we'll see what'll happen after I've said my piece. My mom's crisis is related to what she asked my help for. It tells me that is now most likely over. I feel okay to go ahead whenever I've determined what it is exactly that I want to say. I'm scared. But this is the right thing to do.
#95
Books & Articles / Re: Fawning
Last post by SenseOrgan - October 08, 2025, 06:13:36 AMClayton shares five key insights from her book here.
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Blueberry - October 07, 2025, 10:43:54 PMHappy Birthday san
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Hope67 - October 07, 2025, 12:47:13 PMWishing you a Very Happy Birthday SanMagic 
Also a very big hug too
Also a very big hug too
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - October 07, 2025, 12:07:02 PMsanmagic7
Ah, too bad about the response you wrote. Thanks for putting in the effort anyway, and for your support.
.......................................................
TW/religion & cults
I've had very little contact with my mother in the past couple of months. I had started to write down the things I could never voice, when an intense anger got triggered by some things she said. My emotions made it very clear to me that it's important to speak my mind to her about the way she has affected me. It doesn't feel right anymore that I never articulated just how hard my life is due to who she was/is. I feel like I'm betraying myself if I don't say this to her. Explicitly this time. Regardless of how she responds.
At the same time I don't want to just vent my anger. That doesn't feel right either. I want to be careful about what I say, and I want to mean every word of it. It started to dawn on me that this means I have to capture the depth of the trauma that affects every aspect of my life into words. That's not an easy thing to do, even though it went very well initially. The momentum faded, and I started being lost for words again.
Our relationship changed after a 5 year NC period. The kind of relationship we had the seven years since has been limited in depth. It was vastly different from previous years in a positive way. This isn't just nullified by recent events. It was also painful to only relate on such a superficial level, while so much has been left unspoken.
There's a difference between how my mom used to be and how she is now. The same goes for myself. And off course we haven't become two completely different people. All of it is part of us. My mom resorted back to her old ways a couple of times. She was her old, overly emotional, self centered self again when I visited her on her birthday a month ago (which I hesitated doing to begin with). I felt repulsion. A part of me wanted to walk away and never come back. It wasn't the right time to bring any of this up. Not on her birthday, not when I'm not clear on what I have to say, and not while she is in some sort of a crisis already. But I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm internally torn and I'm carrying this heavy burden that doesn't belong to me in the first place.
I don't need to hurt my mother. But my gloves need to come off in order for me to say what I need to. My silenced inner child isn't having the new status quo anymore. I'm going to honor him. I'm going to speak on his behalf. Finally. And I want to remain an adult while I do so. I did mention parentification and emotional abuse to my mother in the past. Years ago we had a therapy session together that I arranged, in which I was way too accommodating. I remember that the main thing I said was that her unfulfilled needs had landed on me. Even though she sort of apologized later on and she clearly isn't happy with my suffering, it's evident I didn't do myself justice there. The contrast between what I did say and living a miserable life is just too big. I can't not speak my mind before she passes. I owe it to me. I owe it to the little one who suffers in silence till this day.
When push came to shove, my mother always "chose" her coping mechanisms over my wellbeing. She chose fear over love, and wasn't willing or aware enough to face her shadow. The reason doesn't matter for the child that I was. The devastation is the same.
I don't think she will ever be able to hear me. What I have to say is an existential threat to what she holds on to for dear life. She's willing to sacrifice everything for a sense of certainty. Her belief system has been her God for as long as I can remember. I can see the same basic dynamic in religious fundamentalists. Their fanaticism is a measure of their insecurity. They can't bear other points of view, because they are not certain about their belief. They feel threatened by people who don't share their convictions. Therefore everybody else needs to believe the same or be silenced. It's a fundamentally aggressive, disrespectful, and arrogant attitude. This is what my mother's contempt and all that stems from that comes from. Whenever I hear cult survivors speak, I can relate just a little too well. Only my mother's cult doesn't have a name or other members. It's who she is to a great degree.
I'm gonna need to wrap up this entry. What I wanted to say is that I haven't spoken to my mother since her birthday and very little a couple of months before that. Because I'm still not clear on what I want to say exactly, and I don't feel okay to interact with her like we used to before I have spoken my mind on this matter. She does not know what I've been processing. She only knows that I needed more space after some issues in the family happened a few moths ago. It weighs on me to be in limbo, but I can't force this process. She just texted me. As soon as I read it, she'll know I've seen it. I'm stressed. This puts me on the spot. I'm not sure how to respond. I probably need to say I basically need space at the moment and not explain anything. If I tell her I'm working on something I want to say that creates a lot of anxiety and pressure.
Ah, too bad about the response you wrote. Thanks for putting in the effort anyway, and for your support.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 22, 2025, 02:27:12 PMour time and energy belong to usAmen to that!
.......................................................
TW/religion & cults
I've had very little contact with my mother in the past couple of months. I had started to write down the things I could never voice, when an intense anger got triggered by some things she said. My emotions made it very clear to me that it's important to speak my mind to her about the way she has affected me. It doesn't feel right anymore that I never articulated just how hard my life is due to who she was/is. I feel like I'm betraying myself if I don't say this to her. Explicitly this time. Regardless of how she responds.
At the same time I don't want to just vent my anger. That doesn't feel right either. I want to be careful about what I say, and I want to mean every word of it. It started to dawn on me that this means I have to capture the depth of the trauma that affects every aspect of my life into words. That's not an easy thing to do, even though it went very well initially. The momentum faded, and I started being lost for words again.
Our relationship changed after a 5 year NC period. The kind of relationship we had the seven years since has been limited in depth. It was vastly different from previous years in a positive way. This isn't just nullified by recent events. It was also painful to only relate on such a superficial level, while so much has been left unspoken.
There's a difference between how my mom used to be and how she is now. The same goes for myself. And off course we haven't become two completely different people. All of it is part of us. My mom resorted back to her old ways a couple of times. She was her old, overly emotional, self centered self again when I visited her on her birthday a month ago (which I hesitated doing to begin with). I felt repulsion. A part of me wanted to walk away and never come back. It wasn't the right time to bring any of this up. Not on her birthday, not when I'm not clear on what I have to say, and not while she is in some sort of a crisis already. But I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm internally torn and I'm carrying this heavy burden that doesn't belong to me in the first place.
I don't need to hurt my mother. But my gloves need to come off in order for me to say what I need to. My silenced inner child isn't having the new status quo anymore. I'm going to honor him. I'm going to speak on his behalf. Finally. And I want to remain an adult while I do so. I did mention parentification and emotional abuse to my mother in the past. Years ago we had a therapy session together that I arranged, in which I was way too accommodating. I remember that the main thing I said was that her unfulfilled needs had landed on me. Even though she sort of apologized later on and she clearly isn't happy with my suffering, it's evident I didn't do myself justice there. The contrast between what I did say and living a miserable life is just too big. I can't not speak my mind before she passes. I owe it to me. I owe it to the little one who suffers in silence till this day.
When push came to shove, my mother always "chose" her coping mechanisms over my wellbeing. She chose fear over love, and wasn't willing or aware enough to face her shadow. The reason doesn't matter for the child that I was. The devastation is the same.
I don't think she will ever be able to hear me. What I have to say is an existential threat to what she holds on to for dear life. She's willing to sacrifice everything for a sense of certainty. Her belief system has been her God for as long as I can remember. I can see the same basic dynamic in religious fundamentalists. Their fanaticism is a measure of their insecurity. They can't bear other points of view, because they are not certain about their belief. They feel threatened by people who don't share their convictions. Therefore everybody else needs to believe the same or be silenced. It's a fundamentally aggressive, disrespectful, and arrogant attitude. This is what my mother's contempt and all that stems from that comes from. Whenever I hear cult survivors speak, I can relate just a little too well. Only my mother's cult doesn't have a name or other members. It's who she is to a great degree.
I'm gonna need to wrap up this entry. What I wanted to say is that I haven't spoken to my mother since her birthday and very little a couple of months before that. Because I'm still not clear on what I want to say exactly, and I don't feel okay to interact with her like we used to before I have spoken my mind on this matter. She does not know what I've been processing. She only knows that I needed more space after some issues in the family happened a few moths ago. It weighs on me to be in limbo, but I can't force this process. She just texted me. As soon as I read it, she'll know I've seen it. I'm stressed. This puts me on the spot. I'm not sure how to respond. I probably need to say I basically need space at the moment and not explain anything. If I tell her I'm working on something I want to say that creates a lot of anxiety and pressure.
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by NarcKiddo - October 07, 2025, 10:31:54 AMUgh. I am still in contact with my mother but I remember when she tried to friend me on Facebook. The feeling was utterly awful. I'm glad you blocked and also made that report.
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by SenseOrgan - October 07, 2025, 05:43:06 AMHappy Birthday San! 78 circles around the sun on spaceship earth, yet 27 forever!
I know only a little about your background, and from that alone I can tell it's quite an achievement to go through life with such a positive attitude still. If there's one thing I'd wish for you this year, it's proper sleep. So hopefully the new doc can help with that. It's great your D's mammo came out clean by the way!
I know only a little about your background, and from that alone I can tell it's quite an achievement to go through life with such a positive attitude still. If there's one thing I'd wish for you this year, it's proper sleep. So hopefully the new doc can help with that. It's great your D's mammo came out clean by the way!