Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by Chart - December 23, 2025, 09:51:50 PMYeah, me too Hope, thanks for that binaural link. I actually downloaded that exact one ans listen to it on a little mp3 player I have. 40 minutes a might? Most nights I listen. Serious experimentation. The only (pretty) clear sign is my irritated bowel syndrome has "gotten worse". Not 100% sure there's a link, but it's pretty noticeable. Anyway, all that's me. Sounds like you're pretty zen at the moment and the awareness is strong, but not overwhelming. Good place to be. Ps. I love libraries too. :-)
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - December 23, 2025, 07:16:29 PMAnother thing, I feel my brain is recalibrating or something. Like the lid went off and I am now allowed to feel everything and now it's up to me to decide what is 'normal' and what is not, when to relax and when to panic, when there is no danger (most of the time, I'm told) and when there is (most of the time according to my trauma brain). So I'm very cautiously starting to feel what side I'm on at any given moment. I feel very vulnerable and volatile.
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - December 23, 2025, 06:12:43 PMNot sure where to start now. I'm still in limbo it feels. I'm okay, but very very easily triggered. Or maybe, I'm just as easily triggered as I was before, but now I'm much more conscious of it. I don't know, maybe both.
Some practical facts. I spoke to the GP again, she now says I can see her whenever I need, which puts the initiative and responsibility back into my hands, she apparently thinks I can handle it. And the visit to the mental health practitioner at the GP's turned out to be awful, this lovely person just out of psych school saying: "I can image that would be hard." and me thinking: "Yes, that's what you're supposed to say but No, you cannot, you haven't the faintest idea." Not going there again.
The Trauma Sensitive Yoga that I'm supposed tot start in January may not start for lack of participants. The uncertainty of this does not feel so trauma sensitive to me. The waiting list for the specialised mental health care turns out to be approx six months ... and I'm not at all sure anymore this will be so helpful because it will be more of the same that I had already. But then again, what I had was good, but not enough. So I'm staying on the waiting list for now. In the meantime I plan to start Parts Work and Brainspotting in February or March next year and I am very confident that will help (this is outside 'regular care' over here and it is privately funded but usually faster). I spoke to the therapist on the phone and she seems to know her stuff. So hang on till then I will.
I did the ultimately important (to my mind) Christmas shopping in the busy town and made it through. I cannot tell you how. I also did the packing to go to our holiday home. As some point I had misplaced my mobile and I noticed and said out loud: "My brain now wants to panic but I don't". That impressed me. But I don't know how I would have handled all the organising AND work as well. It felt as if my schedule was quite full without work. Probably was my mind that was full.
Now that I've had a little rest at last at our holiday place, I do not think work is of the utmost importance anymore. Meaning, I think it is important for me to do something to contribute and keep myself occupied, but it does not necessarily need to be this job. And while I was very worried about having to start work again after the holidays and I was thinking "How on earth am I ever gonna do that without derailing again?" (that was trauma brain talking), at this point, I do not mind if I start again real slow and pace myself and if that means changing tasks or whatever, I don't mind anymore. I just want to stabilise and take better care of myself. If that means I won't 'perform' like I did before, so be it.
So now the Christmas days are almost here. We'll be spending those with just our little bunch: husband, kids and me. I'm really enjoying our time here, it's so nice and quiet. (Even if I did get a little worried today when my husband stayed away doing some chores a little too long to my liking.) And my brother will be visiting and that's fine. No in laws fortunately. And no mother to upset me either. Part of me thinks I should feel guilty about that but I don't feel it. It feels as if I may just be me. No dressing up, no fancy dinner, just chicken and fries will do just fine. And I told my bunch I will not be stepping outside to see the fireworks (explosions) at New Year's because I'm too afraid. That's fine as well.
Thank you friends, for being here
Some practical facts. I spoke to the GP again, she now says I can see her whenever I need, which puts the initiative and responsibility back into my hands, she apparently thinks I can handle it. And the visit to the mental health practitioner at the GP's turned out to be awful, this lovely person just out of psych school saying: "I can image that would be hard." and me thinking: "Yes, that's what you're supposed to say but No, you cannot, you haven't the faintest idea." Not going there again.
The Trauma Sensitive Yoga that I'm supposed tot start in January may not start for lack of participants. The uncertainty of this does not feel so trauma sensitive to me. The waiting list for the specialised mental health care turns out to be approx six months ... and I'm not at all sure anymore this will be so helpful because it will be more of the same that I had already. But then again, what I had was good, but not enough. So I'm staying on the waiting list for now. In the meantime I plan to start Parts Work and Brainspotting in February or March next year and I am very confident that will help (this is outside 'regular care' over here and it is privately funded but usually faster). I spoke to the therapist on the phone and she seems to know her stuff. So hang on till then I will.
I did the ultimately important (to my mind) Christmas shopping in the busy town and made it through. I cannot tell you how. I also did the packing to go to our holiday home. As some point I had misplaced my mobile and I noticed and said out loud: "My brain now wants to panic but I don't". That impressed me. But I don't know how I would have handled all the organising AND work as well. It felt as if my schedule was quite full without work. Probably was my mind that was full.
Now that I've had a little rest at last at our holiday place, I do not think work is of the utmost importance anymore. Meaning, I think it is important for me to do something to contribute and keep myself occupied, but it does not necessarily need to be this job. And while I was very worried about having to start work again after the holidays and I was thinking "How on earth am I ever gonna do that without derailing again?" (that was trauma brain talking), at this point, I do not mind if I start again real slow and pace myself and if that means changing tasks or whatever, I don't mind anymore. I just want to stabilise and take better care of myself. If that means I won't 'perform' like I did before, so be it.
So now the Christmas days are almost here. We'll be spending those with just our little bunch: husband, kids and me. I'm really enjoying our time here, it's so nice and quiet. (Even if I did get a little worried today when my husband stayed away doing some chores a little too long to my liking.) And my brother will be visiting and that's fine. No in laws fortunately. And no mother to upset me either. Part of me thinks I should feel guilty about that but I don't feel it. It feels as if I may just be me. No dressing up, no fancy dinner, just chicken and fries will do just fine. And I told my bunch I will not be stepping outside to see the fireworks (explosions) at New Year's because I'm too afraid. That's fine as well.
Thank you friends, for being here
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 23, 2025, 04:12:10 PMDF, yep, i will continue to take next steps. for some reason, i can't not. my spirit won't allow it. sorry, tho, that you could relate to getting so upset. that sucks, but thank you for your support.
hey, chart, i think i'm just so on the edge right now that the prospect of getting therapeutic help may be blinding my good sense. or stirring up my anxiety greatly. or both. but thank you for your kindness and care. much appreciated.
my D is helping me find a T on a different site, and this morning she showed me 2 possibilities, one of which emphasized mindfulness, and my anxiety kicked in full bore at the idea of asking her to call me, do an evaluation. my chest got tight, my hands began wringing, i stiffened up. my D noticed it all and reassured me she would make contact, set up a phone call for me.
i think when i had my mini-breakdown the other week, told her about never having anyone help me, having to figure it all out by myself, that she decided she wanted to help me w/ this. which was a little strange to me, cuz just a few days before she told me she wanted to help but was so stressed out herself she just didn't have anything else to give out. at any rate, she's showing me in real time that she's got my back, which is weird. feels weird.
and there's a little voice in the back of my head from when she once told me that she wouldn't be able to take care of me if i needed that certain level of care-giving, and she'd put me in a home and would visit every week. and i think that reminds me of when my F told me that if i got pregnant by my boyfriend, he'd send me away to another city in this state that had a home for girls 'in trouble'. at that time, i asked a friend's mom a few weeks later if i could stay w/ their family if that happened, and she immediately said of course. (the kicker of this is that when my S and i were older, and i told her this story, she said he told her the exact opposite, that if she got pregnant, not to worry, the family would be there for her.)
so, people wanting to get rid of me if i'm too problematic is a theme both past and future. thinking about that, is it any wonder i can't let go, can't take the time to just be, must keep moving ahead, stay productive? not get in anyone's way, not be a burden, worry about my body breaking down, hospitals, surgeries, all that jazz, not only financially but what it might mean for my future way of life? on my own again is what it feels like.
hey, chart, i think i'm just so on the edge right now that the prospect of getting therapeutic help may be blinding my good sense. or stirring up my anxiety greatly. or both. but thank you for your kindness and care. much appreciated.
my D is helping me find a T on a different site, and this morning she showed me 2 possibilities, one of which emphasized mindfulness, and my anxiety kicked in full bore at the idea of asking her to call me, do an evaluation. my chest got tight, my hands began wringing, i stiffened up. my D noticed it all and reassured me she would make contact, set up a phone call for me.
i think when i had my mini-breakdown the other week, told her about never having anyone help me, having to figure it all out by myself, that she decided she wanted to help me w/ this. which was a little strange to me, cuz just a few days before she told me she wanted to help but was so stressed out herself she just didn't have anything else to give out. at any rate, she's showing me in real time that she's got my back, which is weird. feels weird.
and there's a little voice in the back of my head from when she once told me that she wouldn't be able to take care of me if i needed that certain level of care-giving, and she'd put me in a home and would visit every week. and i think that reminds me of when my F told me that if i got pregnant by my boyfriend, he'd send me away to another city in this state that had a home for girls 'in trouble'. at that time, i asked a friend's mom a few weeks later if i could stay w/ their family if that happened, and she immediately said of course. (the kicker of this is that when my S and i were older, and i told her this story, she said he told her the exact opposite, that if she got pregnant, not to worry, the family would be there for her.)
so, people wanting to get rid of me if i'm too problematic is a theme both past and future. thinking about that, is it any wonder i can't let go, can't take the time to just be, must keep moving ahead, stay productive? not get in anyone's way, not be a burden, worry about my body breaking down, hospitals, surgeries, all that jazz, not only financially but what it might mean for my future way of life? on my own again is what it feels like.
#95
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 23, 2025, 03:49:39 PMhey, SO,
when reading your post i thought about an exercise i used to do w/ couples - what did one say and what did the other hear? it was quite amazing how mis-heard we might be based on triggers from tone or word usage. an example my D discovered was when she lived w/ 2 other people, and she asked one the, supposedly, simply question - 'do you want to take the garbage out?' this lead to an extreme discussion from the other about how manipulative that question is, passive-aggressive way of mandating something in the form of a question.
when she brought it up to me, totally confused about what had been said to her, i explained that a lot of people are brought up with the idea of a question hiding an order. do you want to do *whatever* is often used in the workplace, in relationships of all kinds, by teachers, in churches - i don't know of a place where it isn't used regularly (from my limited perspective). she didn't know that at all (i'd never used that on my kids) so she was unaware that it is prevalent in the world, and many many people are familiar with it. to her, it was a simple question, and if you don't want to, just say so and someone else will.
so, perspectives being created by background, learning, teaching, yes, i totally agree. and i think emotions extend from those perspectives, ultimately from what we learned and were taught. trigger emotions based on our original experience that are still hanging around, waiting in the wings, so to speak, for that perspective to rear its head.
when i lived in mexico, i learned about the culture of poverty. since i'd always had a roof over my head and food on the table, it wasn't something i was familiar with. living there, tho, in the midst of it (i didn't live in an american compound/gated community, but in town w/ my mex. husband) was eye-opening. and mind-opening, for that matter. here were people who existed on beans and corn tortillas, literally. many lived in a flood zone in town, and the powers that be determined that providing electricity for them would be useless, so they lived without every day. (i think of this when i hear about disasters and people having to go w/o electricity for several days, and how awful it is for them)
and i'm not putting anyone down here, but due to life experience, teaching, learning, their perspectives have been formed far differently than mine were. the idea of long-term planning doesn't exist. there is no 'vision' for the future. these people worry about getting enough beans and corn daily to feed their kids. they kill the golden goose cuz they see something bright and shiny in front of them and can only think how it will relieve the pain in their bellies for a few days.
i saw my husband work 10 to 12 hr. days, 7 days a week. if you don't work, you don't get paid. there is no sick leave, no vacation days, no mental health days. nothing about self-care. so, their perspectives are completely different from someone like me, w/ pale skin, a minority person in their country coming from across the border - a border i could cross at will but my husband wasn't allowed. they have no sense of personal power, no agency, as it were, are dictated to by the catholic church - which means no birth control - and make it thru each day as it comes. their emotions are often tied up with despair. there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
this experience changed me profoundly. i made many friends while i was there, good, decent people no matter their financial status. all they want to do is make enough money to feed their families, literally in many cases. so, the idea of perspective being different for each individual rings true to my mind. we are all products of not only our learnings, but of our race, our religions, our educational levels, and each has its own perspective. we hear other people thru our own perspective filter, which can make communication go off the rails from a different experience with a word, gesture, tone of voice, eye contact.
and that's why i think learning about cultures is important, learning about perspectives is important, learning how individuality is important. whew! i guess i kind went off the rails there, but i've witnessed the assumptions, had a lot of them myself until i moved into a different culture and learned differently. it's a wonder any of us can be made to understand each other at all!
when reading your post i thought about an exercise i used to do w/ couples - what did one say and what did the other hear? it was quite amazing how mis-heard we might be based on triggers from tone or word usage. an example my D discovered was when she lived w/ 2 other people, and she asked one the, supposedly, simply question - 'do you want to take the garbage out?' this lead to an extreme discussion from the other about how manipulative that question is, passive-aggressive way of mandating something in the form of a question.
when she brought it up to me, totally confused about what had been said to her, i explained that a lot of people are brought up with the idea of a question hiding an order. do you want to do *whatever* is often used in the workplace, in relationships of all kinds, by teachers, in churches - i don't know of a place where it isn't used regularly (from my limited perspective). she didn't know that at all (i'd never used that on my kids) so she was unaware that it is prevalent in the world, and many many people are familiar with it. to her, it was a simple question, and if you don't want to, just say so and someone else will.
so, perspectives being created by background, learning, teaching, yes, i totally agree. and i think emotions extend from those perspectives, ultimately from what we learned and were taught. trigger emotions based on our original experience that are still hanging around, waiting in the wings, so to speak, for that perspective to rear its head.
when i lived in mexico, i learned about the culture of poverty. since i'd always had a roof over my head and food on the table, it wasn't something i was familiar with. living there, tho, in the midst of it (i didn't live in an american compound/gated community, but in town w/ my mex. husband) was eye-opening. and mind-opening, for that matter. here were people who existed on beans and corn tortillas, literally. many lived in a flood zone in town, and the powers that be determined that providing electricity for them would be useless, so they lived without every day. (i think of this when i hear about disasters and people having to go w/o electricity for several days, and how awful it is for them)
and i'm not putting anyone down here, but due to life experience, teaching, learning, their perspectives have been formed far differently than mine were. the idea of long-term planning doesn't exist. there is no 'vision' for the future. these people worry about getting enough beans and corn daily to feed their kids. they kill the golden goose cuz they see something bright and shiny in front of them and can only think how it will relieve the pain in their bellies for a few days.
i saw my husband work 10 to 12 hr. days, 7 days a week. if you don't work, you don't get paid. there is no sick leave, no vacation days, no mental health days. nothing about self-care. so, their perspectives are completely different from someone like me, w/ pale skin, a minority person in their country coming from across the border - a border i could cross at will but my husband wasn't allowed. they have no sense of personal power, no agency, as it were, are dictated to by the catholic church - which means no birth control - and make it thru each day as it comes. their emotions are often tied up with despair. there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
this experience changed me profoundly. i made many friends while i was there, good, decent people no matter their financial status. all they want to do is make enough money to feed their families, literally in many cases. so, the idea of perspective being different for each individual rings true to my mind. we are all products of not only our learnings, but of our race, our religions, our educational levels, and each has its own perspective. we hear other people thru our own perspective filter, which can make communication go off the rails from a different experience with a word, gesture, tone of voice, eye contact.
and that's why i think learning about cultures is important, learning about perspectives is important, learning how individuality is important. whew! i guess i kind went off the rails there, but i've witnessed the assumptions, had a lot of them myself until i moved into a different culture and learned differently. it's a wonder any of us can be made to understand each other at all!
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Marcine - December 23, 2025, 01:39:41 PMSO, this is really interesting stuff you are diving into and dare I say (in a good way) playing around with to see what fits with you.
Cognitive v experiential
Heart/feeling v mind/thoughts
Time during therapy session v life outside
And how synthesize it
Alchemize it
"I barely knew how to handle the safety in connection, because it was so alien to me. A mild version of this happens here on this forum. Every time I have another wonderful exchange."
I completely relate with that.
The word "community" is overused in our world. We all long for it and it is our birthright. Feeling seen and appreciated and reciprocally connected... that naturally allows the integration of safety and closeness.
There is a small sacrifice of individual independence to being
part of a group.
But the benefits of connection hopefully outweigh that.
I always appreciate the thought-provoking that your posts set off in me— thank you!
Cognitive v experiential
Heart/feeling v mind/thoughts
Time during therapy session v life outside
And how synthesize it
Alchemize it
"I barely knew how to handle the safety in connection, because it was so alien to me. A mild version of this happens here on this forum. Every time I have another wonderful exchange."
I completely relate with that.
The word "community" is overused in our world. We all long for it and it is our birthright. Feeling seen and appreciated and reciprocally connected... that naturally allows the integration of safety and closeness.
There is a small sacrifice of individual independence to being
part of a group.
But the benefits of connection hopefully outweigh that.
I always appreciate the thought-provoking that your posts set off in me— thank you!
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - December 23, 2025, 11:51:51 AMQuote from: Ran on December 20, 2025, 07:01:42 PMI'm trying to differentiate what are actual signals of being in love vs CPTSD attachment.That sounds very very wise Ran. Go slow, take your time. Cptsd demands our attention first and foremost.
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by SenseOrgan - December 23, 2025, 10:24:15 AMNo need to apologize Marcine! For me it's really perfectly OK to write what you did without a TW. Even more so because this is your journal.
#99
Therapy / Pesso Boyden System Psychomoto...
Last post by SenseOrgan - December 23, 2025, 10:18:17 AMWHAT IS PBSP?
Created in 1961 by Albert Pesso and Diane Boyden-Pesso, Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor (PBSP) is the most advanced therapeutic system available for emotional re-education or reprogramming. PBSP heals past emotional deficits using unique processes called 'Structures' and 'Microtracking™' that help clients to identify emotional deficits and create 'new memories'. These 'new memories' provide symbolic fulfillment of the basic developmental needs of place, nurture, support, protection and limits. With the inclusion of 'Holes and Roles,' the latest innovation in PBSP theory and technique, therapists learn how to provide a highly effective and streamlined approach to reducing resistance, negative transference, and physical overload. Many aspects of PBSP theories and techniques have close parallels in recent neuroscience findings about mirror neurons, empathy, morality, and the impact of language on the theory of mind.
Source + more info: https://pbsp.com/
Created in 1961 by Albert Pesso and Diane Boyden-Pesso, Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor (PBSP) is the most advanced therapeutic system available for emotional re-education or reprogramming. PBSP heals past emotional deficits using unique processes called 'Structures' and 'Microtracking™' that help clients to identify emotional deficits and create 'new memories'. These 'new memories' provide symbolic fulfillment of the basic developmental needs of place, nurture, support, protection and limits. With the inclusion of 'Holes and Roles,' the latest innovation in PBSP theory and technique, therapists learn how to provide a highly effective and streamlined approach to reducing resistance, negative transference, and physical overload. Many aspects of PBSP theories and techniques have close parallels in recent neuroscience findings about mirror neurons, empathy, morality, and the impact of language on the theory of mind.
Source + more info: https://pbsp.com/
#100
Therapy / Re: Website for Experiential T...
Last post by SenseOrgan - December 23, 2025, 10:15:17 AMTwo therapies I suspect need to be on this list are PSIP and what I knew as Pesso therapy. The latter seems to now be called Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor [PBSP]. Both are aimed, at least in part, at creating "correctional experiences", that are relational in nature.