Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - February 20, 2026, 04:41:51 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on February 20, 2026, 02:25:23 PMfyi, reading this activated me to do my door stretch
This kind of knock-on effect, I remember they called it something like 'contagious healthy steps' back in my first couple of inpatient stays instead of the usual contagious illness etc.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 20, 2026, 02:25:23 PMsomatic release, isn't this?Yes, I think so.
So important. #92
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 20, 2026, 03:02:45 PMthanks, NK. the smile is mostly still there. actually, 'the girls' thing got cancelled, which enabled me to get medicine for my D and go to the food bank, which i'm glad of cuz we needed it, but it is a hassle nonetheless, and would've been too much next to the drive to my galpal's place. i have a Rx waiting, but that'll wait till tomorrow. 'the girls' are now scheduled for next tues. and i think that timing will be better all the way around. so, things work out sometimes, right? 
thank you blueberry, for your support - always appreciated. the hair and makeup is quite new, and in fact, i've even added foundation now - it seems that as we get older our complexions change!!! i've kind of been noticing but ignoring the blotchiness on my face, but now i'm smoothing it out a bit more, and that feels good. i couldn't wait to wear makeup when i was in high school, but wasn't allowed (part of not letting me be a girl, which i wanted to be, which i was but not allowed to express very much). so, the hair and makeup is me reclaiming my girl-ness. never too late, right?
PC, thank you so for the support. my D IS a real sweetheart, and because of that i've been able to learn to lean on someone, finally, which feels really nice.
i've been so activated by what i've read this morning that i did my door stretch, moved my feet back and forth, and lifted weights. i can feel the movement my muscles have gone thru and it feels really good.
and suddenly there's a feeling inside, in my gut area, like something wants to be vomited out. where did that come from?
thank you blueberry, for your support - always appreciated. the hair and makeup is quite new, and in fact, i've even added foundation now - it seems that as we get older our complexions change!!! i've kind of been noticing but ignoring the blotchiness on my face, but now i'm smoothing it out a bit more, and that feels good. i couldn't wait to wear makeup when i was in high school, but wasn't allowed (part of not letting me be a girl, which i wanted to be, which i was but not allowed to express very much). so, the hair and makeup is me reclaiming my girl-ness. never too late, right?
PC, thank you so for the support. my D IS a real sweetheart, and because of that i've been able to learn to lean on someone, finally, which feels really nice.
i've been so activated by what i've read this morning that i did my door stretch, moved my feet back and forth, and lifted weights. i can feel the movement my muscles have gone thru and it feels really good.
and suddenly there's a feeling inside, in my gut area, like something wants to be vomited out. where did that come from?
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 20, 2026, 02:39:32 PMi like your cheer and encouragement at the end, hannah1 absolutely! sounds like you've made a lot of progress, even if at times it doesn't seem that way to you.
keep going, my friend. i'm being inspired all over the place from people here. love and hugs
absolutely! sounds like you've made a lot of progress, even if at times it doesn't seem that way to you.keep going, my friend. i'm being inspired all over the place from people here. love and hugs
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 20, 2026, 02:32:24 PMblueberry, i like the idea of strands converging. something about that hit me. in a good way. i like that image, want to hang onto it. it fits w/ the idea of so many different strands of abuse/trauma that have been dangling inside us, scaring us, jumping out and spooking us when we had no idea they were there. to be able to allow those strands to converge, either to wipe each other out or meld into each other, or whatever else strands might do could very much be a recovering possibility.
so glad you mentioned it. thanks. love and hugs
so glad you mentioned it. thanks. love and hugs
#95
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 20, 2026, 02:25:23 PMQuote from: Blueberry on February 20, 2026, 01:48:39 PMTHE ANSWERS ARE IN ME, STORED IN MY BODY.
i think this is quite the revelation, blueberry! could that, then, be extrapolated to most of us? many of us? me? fyi, reading this activated me to do my door stretch - painful but i know it's good for me cuz my muscles are so scrunched up from ongoing tension/stress. so, thank you for that.
i also like the foot wiggles, the sewing machine movements. i have actually done those randomly, but this inspired me to do them more intentionally, especially after sleeping. we'll see if i remember, but i think it's a great idea.
somatic release, isn't this? yeah, i can definitely use more of that. i don't know about finding answers in my body yet, but who knows what might turn up? thanks for writing about this. love and hugs
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More ...
Last post by Blueberry - February 20, 2026, 02:19:09 PMQuote from: Blueberry on February 18, 2026, 04:46:34 AMI'm wondering what those exhaling exercises were I learned from T? Maybe if I go back far enough in my mind, I will remember. It was probably somatic stuff.
I don't know atm what they were either, but I've just been doing other mouth, jaw, tongue exercises that came spontaneously, so atm I can believe that I'll find those exhaling exercises when I need them because the trigger for them (and I don't mean 'trauma trigger'! but rather whatever-it-is that gives rise to them) is stored somatically. And/or stored with other similar memories from my time with T-of-8-years or my time with therapist U.S. Just a note for myself because I'm seeing images of her doing jaw loosening exercises with us to release emotional tension and probably physical tension during retreats. So yes, the answers are in me, I don't need to go to some therapy to learn new methods or... But I would like some direction, I think to myself. What's the next step? How long do I have to keep going with these mouth exercises? I think back to T-of-8-years saying that these are the sorts of things nobody can know, it's a case of trying whatever it is I want to do (in this case my duolingo lesson) and then going back to mouth/jaw loosening or whatever comes spontaneously including whole body shakes (I just saw that in my mind's eye and did it too). See-sawing back and forth. And I think back to what a fellow patient wrote in my book during an inpatient stay, something like it's the movement back and forth between two fixed points of 'healthy' and 'unhealthy' or 'good' and 'bad' or whatever exactly that brings healing. I interrupted my writing to go and get said book and saw blue on white that that inpatient stay was 25 years ago. A quarter of a century ago! Such is my life. I didn't find the quote, it must've been written somewhere else. Maybe by someone else. It doesn't matter, a perfect memory of 'stuff on the side' (can't remember the word in English) is over-rated.
I know, I seem to be writing on multiple journals of my own atm. It's a feeling of multiple strands coming together... to lead to something whole and... dare I say? healthy? That feels too daring. But then the answer is above - it's the seesawing back and forth, that movement that provides momentum to keep going and not get stuck.
Plus going back to the basics - the day-to-day grounding stuff like emptying the dishwasher, because it's fairly easy and involves standing both feet on the floor and taking things in my hands. And making space for the next load of dirty dishes. Basic but necessary.
A lot of the above just came out free-flow. I notice how much of it came as a result of my starting/continuing my journal on Activating. But it's all me, all mine, all flows together. That's the image I have. Streams, rivers converging.
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - February 20, 2026, 01:48:39 PMToday I activated myself still lying in bed - I moved my feet, especially toe curls-and-stretches and the sewing machine pedal movements, the latter an exercise I learnt last time inpatient as a good way out of impending dissociation as well as a general wake-up not to mention quite useful physically - gets blood circulating again. While writing that out, I note I'm still doing toe curls-and-stretches. That was all rather late in the day though - it's afternoon now. I ambled into the kitchen and started emptying the dishwasher, just doing one thing after another and seeing what leads to what.
I thought to myself: Wouldn't it be nice if I could just do something normal and harmless like my duolingo lessons without that bringing up a whole load of crap?? Then I started making spontaneous mouth movements like chewing, mouth opening and shutting, jaw movements, tongue hanging out... Just letting that part of my body do what it wants. Remembering back to trauma T-of-8-years, this was the kind of thing he suggested and probably even did with me / had me do during appointments. Like yawning, those kinds of facial movements are kind of 'catchy'. Earlier today I was thinking "Wouldn't it be nice if it were so easy as to just know what trauma T exercise would be useful when?" Like when I was in the hospital briefly in the summer, I just knew what I needed to do to calm things down and not get additional medical trauma. But partly I just started and let things flow from one 'exercise' to another. BINGO. That's what I was doing in the kitchen with my mouth movements. THE ANSWERS ARE IN ME, STORED IN MY BODY.
I thought to myself: Wouldn't it be nice if I could just do something normal and harmless like my duolingo lessons without that bringing up a whole load of crap?? Then I started making spontaneous mouth movements like chewing, mouth opening and shutting, jaw movements, tongue hanging out... Just letting that part of my body do what it wants. Remembering back to trauma T-of-8-years, this was the kind of thing he suggested and probably even did with me / had me do during appointments. Like yawning, those kinds of facial movements are kind of 'catchy'. Earlier today I was thinking "Wouldn't it be nice if it were so easy as to just know what trauma T exercise would be useful when?" Like when I was in the hospital briefly in the summer, I just knew what I needed to do to calm things down and not get additional medical trauma. But partly I just started and let things flow from one 'exercise' to another. BINGO. That's what I was doing in the kitchen with my mouth movements. THE ANSWERS ARE IN ME, STORED IN MY BODY.
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 20, 2026, 08:13:43 AMDepersonalization? Yes, clearly. I can't stand to look into my own eyes, whether in a mirror or taking a selfie. I feel like my reflection is a stranger. Deeply unsettling. Haven't looked in a mirror in years. I often feel like a "scribe" in my own life; following myself around and filming "me" in real time.
Derealization? Yes. Most of the time my experiences and memories have a dreamy "this isn't real" quality about them. It's part of what makes my memories so difficult to pin down and contextualize. The moment itself is real, but the surrounding circumstances are sort of a blur.
Dissociative amnesia? Yes, both types. Proximal (this event and surrounding period have been removed due to ToS violation) and generalized (this memory has been recorded, but with context blurred out). Ironically, my adaptation to this amnesia is what enables me to access memories from such ridiculously early ages. My normal M.O. is "sift through whatever memories happen to pop up at random" and try to catalogue/ make sense of them later. Surprise: There isn't a mere handful of them from toddler era, there are dozens or even hundreds of them! Thus, my general recall of events is notoriously bad, It gives rise to very vivid recall of other events that I shouldn't be able to remember.
But definitely not Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have no memory or sense of multiple personalities. I'm not living "Fight Club" IRL over here.
3 years on. I'm still learning the terms; what applies and what doesn't.
Best,
-Slashy
Derealization? Yes. Most of the time my experiences and memories have a dreamy "this isn't real" quality about them. It's part of what makes my memories so difficult to pin down and contextualize. The moment itself is real, but the surrounding circumstances are sort of a blur.
Dissociative amnesia? Yes, both types. Proximal (this event and surrounding period have been removed due to ToS violation) and generalized (this memory has been recorded, but with context blurred out). Ironically, my adaptation to this amnesia is what enables me to access memories from such ridiculously early ages. My normal M.O. is "sift through whatever memories happen to pop up at random" and try to catalogue/ make sense of them later. Surprise: There isn't a mere handful of them from toddler era, there are dozens or even hundreds of them! Thus, my general recall of events is notoriously bad, It gives rise to very vivid recall of other events that I shouldn't be able to remember.
But definitely not Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have no memory or sense of multiple personalities. I'm not living "Fight Club" IRL over here.
3 years on. I'm still learning the terms; what applies and what doesn't.
Best,
-Slashy
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 20, 2026, 03:03:13 AMToday I made seven medical appointments for testing in preparation to guide my treatment. Every day for the next month I have either PT, a lab test, or a doctor appointment. Yay, I guess. It took me this long to be able to do it. I still feel disoriented. I hope I will be able to do the appointments. Whenever I open the patient portal I feel like I'm going to lose control of my bowels. My heart flip flops. I don't want to look at it. Tomorrow morning I will talk to an old friend about my current thinking and get some perspective. I wish I had parents I could ask. Or even internal parents I could trust, that I could check in with. I have no ballast, no rudder in the storm. HannahOne, face to the wind.
Here I am. I am surprised to come to late midlife and realize the continual drag... thirty years ago I imagined that by this age, all the trauma would be resolved, I'd be free. Heh heh. Instead I find everything sling and arrow seems to add to the overall trauma load and I'm somehow, after all this work and healing, weaker than I was at age ten. Less able to perform, more easily unsettled, more full of self doubt, more confused. As a ten and twenty year old I was wild with hope. Now, nope. Weird.
But as a middle aged adult, I have some options. I'm planning a hiking and camping trip. I want to be just me in the wilderness. Well, me and my sibling. And a big pit bull from the streets of Santa Clarita. Yeah. I want to just have what I can carry on my back. A spork. A water bottle. A tent. A sleeping bag. Some freeze dried curry lentils and a collapsible water bowl for the dog. I want to lay on the ground with a high R value pad between it and me for my old bones and with the dog between me and the door of the tent. I want to move through a landscape under my own power. I'm working really hard in PT and every other day adding a few pounds to the weights. My body is changing. I feel stronger. The knee pain is much less. Another 6 weeks for full potential ligament healing.
The therapist wants to reconsider my treatment plan. Ok. I'm thinking about my goals. Two years ago when I Started this therapy my goal was to get out of bed. Half the sessions had to be zoom because when the time came I couldn't get up. Now I show up fabulously attired if I don't say so.... now my life is so much better. But I'm still really isolated. COVID did a number. I still cry every day, I feel so un-centered, lost, confused. What is the point? Why am I here? How can I make it worth it? What am I even doing? What should I be doing? I dont know what to do....
I don't know where to go. It's a luxury to have such a problem. I don't have to punch a clock, partner can carry us. Which is good, because while I can show up to therapy, I can't be under a boss, and can't seem to use my brain to work right now, brings up too many issues. And my body can't do labor. Lucky me. My whole family worked in the steel mill, took in laundry, farmed turnips in the backyard, lived without running water. I stretch and yawn. Lucky, lucky me. Right? Right? It's a privilege to have the time and money and energy to unravel the trauma they carried and invested in me. A privilege to think about "my goals for treatment." Right?
My goals so far:
Hire the PT to do personal training once PT runs out. He can also help post surgery.
Go to new art studio and see what happens.
Continue "Swedish death cleaning" to take charge of my space and so that we can relocate once kid graduates. I can't have things I can't move or manage myself. I want a lighter life. Unload stuff.
Find a mentor to continue painting training.
Find a context in person to be with other people at least weekly. A hiking group, a book group... ?
Find a volunteer opportunity in person.
Figure out what to do with my small business and find a new career goal if I want to close it.
These are my personal goals to continue finding some happiness and making a life worth living. I don't know what her treatment goals for me will be. TBD. Hope it won't become a fight. Sometimes therapists get fascinated. Or invested in their own ideas. Or scared. C'mon lady. If I can do it, you can do it.
Here I am. I am surprised to come to late midlife and realize the continual drag... thirty years ago I imagined that by this age, all the trauma would be resolved, I'd be free. Heh heh. Instead I find everything sling and arrow seems to add to the overall trauma load and I'm somehow, after all this work and healing, weaker than I was at age ten. Less able to perform, more easily unsettled, more full of self doubt, more confused. As a ten and twenty year old I was wild with hope. Now, nope. Weird.
But as a middle aged adult, I have some options. I'm planning a hiking and camping trip. I want to be just me in the wilderness. Well, me and my sibling. And a big pit bull from the streets of Santa Clarita. Yeah. I want to just have what I can carry on my back. A spork. A water bottle. A tent. A sleeping bag. Some freeze dried curry lentils and a collapsible water bowl for the dog. I want to lay on the ground with a high R value pad between it and me for my old bones and with the dog between me and the door of the tent. I want to move through a landscape under my own power. I'm working really hard in PT and every other day adding a few pounds to the weights. My body is changing. I feel stronger. The knee pain is much less. Another 6 weeks for full potential ligament healing.
The therapist wants to reconsider my treatment plan. Ok. I'm thinking about my goals. Two years ago when I Started this therapy my goal was to get out of bed. Half the sessions had to be zoom because when the time came I couldn't get up. Now I show up fabulously attired if I don't say so.... now my life is so much better. But I'm still really isolated. COVID did a number. I still cry every day, I feel so un-centered, lost, confused. What is the point? Why am I here? How can I make it worth it? What am I even doing? What should I be doing? I dont know what to do....
I don't know where to go. It's a luxury to have such a problem. I don't have to punch a clock, partner can carry us. Which is good, because while I can show up to therapy, I can't be under a boss, and can't seem to use my brain to work right now, brings up too many issues. And my body can't do labor. Lucky me. My whole family worked in the steel mill, took in laundry, farmed turnips in the backyard, lived without running water. I stretch and yawn. Lucky, lucky me. Right? Right? It's a privilege to have the time and money and energy to unravel the trauma they carried and invested in me. A privilege to think about "my goals for treatment." Right?
My goals so far:
Hire the PT to do personal training once PT runs out. He can also help post surgery.
Go to new art studio and see what happens.
Continue "Swedish death cleaning" to take charge of my space and so that we can relocate once kid graduates. I can't have things I can't move or manage myself. I want a lighter life. Unload stuff.
Find a mentor to continue painting training.
Find a context in person to be with other people at least weekly. A hiking group, a book group... ?
Find a volunteer opportunity in person.
Figure out what to do with my small business and find a new career goal if I want to close it.
These are my personal goals to continue finding some happiness and making a life worth living. I don't know what her treatment goals for me will be. TBD. Hope it won't become a fight. Sometimes therapists get fascinated. Or invested in their own ideas. Or scared. C'mon lady. If I can do it, you can do it.
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 20, 2026, 02:53:31 AM After my last memory of "Hingepin Manor", my memories become much darker and sporadic. We (my 2 siblings, grandmother, and mother) are holed up in a garishly decorated motel room. Red shag carpet, curtains closed, a linoleum area at the other end of the room. Mom is injured and we're not allowed to go outside. A strange man comes to the door and brings us food and says "He's out looking for you".
*Snip*
Living with our babysitter Miss Pat, our next door neighbor from our (currently unknown) residence prior to Hingepin Manor. Mom and Grandma are gone and Miss Pat shouted and hit us a lot.
*Snip*
The night they took us to the shelter and my experiences in the shelter related above.
*Snip*
Life with my foster family, some of which I've related previously.
*Snip* back with Mom, my Grandma, and my brother (sister is gone).
Hingepin Manor, the previous residence, and my foster home hold a lot of positive memories for me. I'm looking forward to learning more about them. The shelter had many unhappy or neutral memories, but I'm curious to learn more about that too.
After Foster care, I clearly remember the addresses and appearance of every house I lived at.
*Snip*
Living with our babysitter Miss Pat, our next door neighbor from our (currently unknown) residence prior to Hingepin Manor. Mom and Grandma are gone and Miss Pat shouted and hit us a lot.
*Snip*
The night they took us to the shelter and my experiences in the shelter related above.
*Snip*
Life with my foster family, some of which I've related previously.
*Snip* back with Mom, my Grandma, and my brother (sister is gone).
Hingepin Manor, the previous residence, and my foster home hold a lot of positive memories for me. I'm looking forward to learning more about them. The shelter had many unhappy or neutral memories, but I'm curious to learn more about that too.
After Foster care, I clearly remember the addresses and appearance of every house I lived at.