Recent posts
#91
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by Erec - March 07, 2026, 07:34:04 PMI hoped that identifying the probable origin of my problems would lead to an improvement. Instead, I find myself counting the damage inflicted by psychiatrists: I have severe osteoporosis, unheard of for a man of my age; atrophied muscles; abnormal hormonal levels; and a likely permanent sterility. The psychiatrist stated that a quarter-century of psychiatric therapies was probably a mistake, and that my original problem was organic. Twenty-six years of illness, the nature of which no one ever investigated. No one ever even considered the symptoms I was describing. Myriads of drugs, in the most diverse combinations, with changes every three weeks. A desert in the past, a desert in the future. No one by my side, except for my mother. A colossal error.
#93
Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Re: Undiagnosed Autistic Mothe...
Last post by NarcKiddo - March 07, 2026, 06:25:20 PMIf a better understanding of her position allows you to process what happened to you better, then that must be all to the good. Now she has passed there is no danger of you endangering yourself emotionally by giving her too much leeway in light of what you now think she was dealing with.
I am pretty sure my parents are not neurodivergent but some traits could be argued to affect them. My M is basically NPD, possibly also BPD and goodness knows what else besides. She has a horrible trauma history. When she claims she loves me I believe she does, as much as she is capable of. Which is not much and she loves herself more. I am sure she had/has all sorts of motives of self-interest but I do not believe many of them (if any) are conscious.
I agree with Kizzie that the main thing that matters is what happened to you and how it affected you. New information may help your healing process and I hope it does.
I am pretty sure my parents are not neurodivergent but some traits could be argued to affect them. My M is basically NPD, possibly also BPD and goodness knows what else besides. She has a horrible trauma history. When she claims she loves me I believe she does, as much as she is capable of. Which is not much and she loves herself more. I am sure she had/has all sorts of motives of self-interest but I do not believe many of them (if any) are conscious.
I agree with Kizzie that the main thing that matters is what happened to you and how it affected you. New information may help your healing process and I hope it does.
#94
Self-Help & Recovery / Re: Not being able to ask for ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - March 07, 2026, 06:16:58 PMMuch of what you write resonates hugely.
A practical thought that might be of use in a similar cooking situation - might noise-cancelling earbuds work for you to drown out the TV noise and play something calming? Or could you ask him to use headphones when he plays games, given those noises are objectively annoying to anyone who is not engaged in the game?
I often find that timing my requests can make me feel better about it. For example in the the situation you describe, when partner is already engaged in a game I would find it impossible to ask him to stop and come help me cook instead. I might, however, be able to ask how long he will be playing for. And then go on to suggest that it might be nice to eat x and perhaps you could prepare it together when he has finished.
You perhaps could to give some thought to typical scenarios and how you might manage them to work in your favour. Enough examples of that happening should help you to feel stronger about asking outright, rather than always feeling you have the manage the situation first. And maybe give some thought to how you might occupy yourself while waiting to ask for help, because the more worked up you get the worse asking for help will feel and it all turns into a vicious cycle. For example there are various situations or places which I find challenging, and a particular coffee bar where there are no bad associations for me. I find it a really helpful place to make requests or suggestions when I am not triggered. Plus it is a place where he is not engaged in anything other than having coffee and a chat, so I know he is receptive. In an ideal world of course we would just ask for and receive help - but baby steps should make it far easier.
A practical thought that might be of use in a similar cooking situation - might noise-cancelling earbuds work for you to drown out the TV noise and play something calming? Or could you ask him to use headphones when he plays games, given those noises are objectively annoying to anyone who is not engaged in the game?
I often find that timing my requests can make me feel better about it. For example in the the situation you describe, when partner is already engaged in a game I would find it impossible to ask him to stop and come help me cook instead. I might, however, be able to ask how long he will be playing for. And then go on to suggest that it might be nice to eat x and perhaps you could prepare it together when he has finished.
You perhaps could to give some thought to typical scenarios and how you might manage them to work in your favour. Enough examples of that happening should help you to feel stronger about asking outright, rather than always feeling you have the manage the situation first. And maybe give some thought to how you might occupy yourself while waiting to ask for help, because the more worked up you get the worse asking for help will feel and it all turns into a vicious cycle. For example there are various situations or places which I find challenging, and a particular coffee bar where there are no bad associations for me. I find it a really helpful place to make requests or suggestions when I am not triggered. Plus it is a place where he is not engaged in anything other than having coffee and a chat, so I know he is receptive. In an ideal world of course we would just ask for and receive help - but baby steps should make it far easier.
#95
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by MiaBailey - March 07, 2026, 05:22:58 PMOne thing that I found interesting was that I have strong memories of witnessing the kindness of others when I was little. I have a very distinctive memory from when I was 2-1/2 years old and it was from the man from the moving company that moved our company from Alabama to Missouri. He saw me standing at the back of the moving truck and he climbed all the way back into the back of the moving truck and grabbed my red tricycle. It is probably my first memory in life. A positive memory. I attempted to share that first memory with a therapist and she insisted that early memories such as this usually were from trauma. She didn't like that fact that I disagreed with her. I said that actually, I had been so neglected that witnessing someone acknowledge that I existed, acknowledge that there was something that I may want or need that could bring a smile to my face, was wonderful -- I absolutely cherish that memory. I thought it was odd that she tried to say that it was probably related to trauma. Maybe someone whose life is full of neglect grabs these examples as mental life rafts, I'm not sure. I know that I did. I know that I'm 62-1/2 years old and I still smile about it 60 years later.
#96
Self-Help & Recovery / Not being able to ask for help...
Last post by Saluki - March 07, 2026, 05:18:44 PMI'm not sure where to put this.
This happens a lot.
Please note I am NOT having a grumble about my partner here. I'm trying to figure out how to ask for help.
For example, the other day I said to my partner "would you eat x?" And he said sure why not. He was playing an online game. I didn't say "Shall we cook x together?". I know 100% he would have come cooked with me. But I didn't.
So I started preparing the vegetables etc.
The sound effects from the online games he plays drive me crazy. The living room door opens into the kitchen.
I know exactly why I get triggered by the sounds from the TV. It's because my psychopath ex husband used to command me to cook clean etc from his "throne" on the sofa. The TV was always on, watching something he chose. I was never allowed to choose the programme. Ever. He never cooked, cleaned or tidied. (Except when people came over. He'd put on a big display of cooking and washing up and people would say what a wonderful husband he was 🤮) He never cooked for the children either. Ever. I was his slave. So I get horrible flashbacks when I'm trying to cook here and now which are worse if the TV is on next to the kitchen. That's not my partner's fault and maybe I'm torturing myself by even considering cooking when he's playing online games or watching TV. I have a choice now.
I'm not sure what my problem is: I know I can just ask him to come cook with me.
So I was getting really stressed out cooking. I am trying to reclaim the kitchen after years of domestic abuse and servitude with my ex. It was years ago now. It bothers me immensely that my brain and body can't enjoy cooking. I used to love cooking before that marriage ruined it for me.
So I was almost crying with frustration. My body was shaking and hurting so much with tension. I have fibromyalgia and chronic pain. I am DETERMINED to conquer my cooking trauma, so that's one of the reasons I don't ask for help, because I'm proud and stubborn and determined that I "don't need help" when actually I do and if I was living on my own it's highly likely I would just snack on junk food and get even more unhealthy. Some days I don't even realise I haven't eaten. My partner reminds me and offers to cook me food and more often than not I say no, I don't want to eat. It's very unusual for me to even know I'm hungry until I get dizzy.
The other day when I was trying to cook I was getting more and more distressed and I just wanted my partner to come into the kitchen and cook with me.
All I have to do is ask. I can't ask. That's not his fault.
He did eventually. He finished cooking what I'd prepared and it was fine.
I don't know why I want him to read my mind.
I guess it's little me crying and crying in my childhood bedroom as a toddler and no-one came.
I guess it's baby me being put in the garden in the snow so my mother could get some sleep, a break from the stiff tantrumous baby who never slept and never stopped crying.
I guess it's wife and mother me completely bewildered as to how my helpful fiancé turned into a slave master after I married him.
I don't even know what I want from posting this.
I just wish I could live in the present and that the past didn't make now so impossible.
My partner is loving and caring and reasonable and kind.
I've spent my whole life looking after other people - my mentally ill mother who didn't want me, my mentally unstable psychopath ex husband who didn't want me except for a sex object toy and a slave, my children, my eldest of whom couldn't cope with growing up and who has cut me out of her life...
...Now I STILL have this "I want to take care of people" thing inbuilt.
Trying to learn to take care of me or to allow my partner to take care of me is almost impossible.
This happens a lot.
Please note I am NOT having a grumble about my partner here. I'm trying to figure out how to ask for help.
For example, the other day I said to my partner "would you eat x?" And he said sure why not. He was playing an online game. I didn't say "Shall we cook x together?". I know 100% he would have come cooked with me. But I didn't.
So I started preparing the vegetables etc.
The sound effects from the online games he plays drive me crazy. The living room door opens into the kitchen.
I know exactly why I get triggered by the sounds from the TV. It's because my psychopath ex husband used to command me to cook clean etc from his "throne" on the sofa. The TV was always on, watching something he chose. I was never allowed to choose the programme. Ever. He never cooked, cleaned or tidied. (Except when people came over. He'd put on a big display of cooking and washing up and people would say what a wonderful husband he was 🤮) He never cooked for the children either. Ever. I was his slave. So I get horrible flashbacks when I'm trying to cook here and now which are worse if the TV is on next to the kitchen. That's not my partner's fault and maybe I'm torturing myself by even considering cooking when he's playing online games or watching TV. I have a choice now.
I'm not sure what my problem is: I know I can just ask him to come cook with me.
So I was getting really stressed out cooking. I am trying to reclaim the kitchen after years of domestic abuse and servitude with my ex. It was years ago now. It bothers me immensely that my brain and body can't enjoy cooking. I used to love cooking before that marriage ruined it for me.
So I was almost crying with frustration. My body was shaking and hurting so much with tension. I have fibromyalgia and chronic pain. I am DETERMINED to conquer my cooking trauma, so that's one of the reasons I don't ask for help, because I'm proud and stubborn and determined that I "don't need help" when actually I do and if I was living on my own it's highly likely I would just snack on junk food and get even more unhealthy. Some days I don't even realise I haven't eaten. My partner reminds me and offers to cook me food and more often than not I say no, I don't want to eat. It's very unusual for me to even know I'm hungry until I get dizzy.
The other day when I was trying to cook I was getting more and more distressed and I just wanted my partner to come into the kitchen and cook with me.
All I have to do is ask. I can't ask. That's not his fault.
He did eventually. He finished cooking what I'd prepared and it was fine.
I don't know why I want him to read my mind.
I guess it's little me crying and crying in my childhood bedroom as a toddler and no-one came.
I guess it's baby me being put in the garden in the snow so my mother could get some sleep, a break from the stiff tantrumous baby who never slept and never stopped crying.
I guess it's wife and mother me completely bewildered as to how my helpful fiancé turned into a slave master after I married him.
I don't even know what I want from posting this.
I just wish I could live in the present and that the past didn't make now so impossible.
My partner is loving and caring and reasonable and kind.
I've spent my whole life looking after other people - my mentally ill mother who didn't want me, my mentally unstable psychopath ex husband who didn't want me except for a sex object toy and a slave, my children, my eldest of whom couldn't cope with growing up and who has cut me out of her life...
...Now I STILL have this "I want to take care of people" thing inbuilt.
Trying to learn to take care of me or to allow my partner to take care of me is almost impossible.
#97
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by Kizzie - March 07, 2026, 04:45:01 PM
#98
Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Re: Undiagnosed Autistic Mothe...
Last post by Kizzie - March 07, 2026, 04:44:32 PMIt is a lot to process Who Buddy 
#99
General Discussion / Re: Triggering event: our cat'...
Last post by Kizzie - March 07, 2026, 04:40:59 PMGlad to hear Aysa is on the mend. I love when cats purr!
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 07, 2026, 04:40:51 PMHi San,
I think you're handling this with a lot of clarity and calm. The way you're observing your own reactions, listening to what the lessening of the internal struggle is telling you, and still giving your T room to figure things out - that takes a lot of awareness.
Reading your post reminded me of one of my sessions, my T merely mentioned that there are other therapy modalities (like psychodynamic) in case I ever felt I needed something beyond CBT. My system instantly went into a full preverbal freeze - a 5-year-old hiding under the table feeling abandoned. For almost the entire 1 hr session I couldn't come out of it. She must have said a dozen times "I'm not abandoning you. I'm here. We have twenty sessions scheduled." But my nervous system just couldn't hear it (yet).
So reading how thoughtfully you're navigating this with your T really struck me. It sounds like you're both trying to move carefully and not overwhelm the system - which in itself is a good sign.
I'm glad you're paying attention to what actually helps your system settle. That feels like important information.
💛
I think you're handling this with a lot of clarity and calm. The way you're observing your own reactions, listening to what the lessening of the internal struggle is telling you, and still giving your T room to figure things out - that takes a lot of awareness.
Reading your post reminded me of one of my sessions, my T merely mentioned that there are other therapy modalities (like psychodynamic) in case I ever felt I needed something beyond CBT. My system instantly went into a full preverbal freeze - a 5-year-old hiding under the table feeling abandoned. For almost the entire 1 hr session I couldn't come out of it. She must have said a dozen times "I'm not abandoning you. I'm here. We have twenty sessions scheduled." But my nervous system just couldn't hear it (yet).
So reading how thoughtfully you're navigating this with your T really struck me. It sounds like you're both trying to move carefully and not overwhelm the system - which in itself is a good sign.
I'm glad you're paying attention to what actually helps your system settle. That feels like important information.
💛