Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 21, 2026, 03:01:24 AMI wish I could cry and grief right now.
#93
Physical Issues / migraine tips?
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 21, 2026, 01:59:54 AMI get horrid migraines and they're just getting worse sonetimes. I figured I'd see if anyone here had tips or experiences. Migraines are the worst pain imaingable so I figure its good to vent.
Im not going to type very good because migraine. Im going to talk to a doctor next week. Maybe ill detail the horrid weird symptoms i get with them later. Ow!
Im not going to type very good because migraine. Im going to talk to a doctor next week. Maybe ill detail the horrid weird symptoms i get with them later. Ow!
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 09:59:23 PMCharlie Brown always cried, "Good grief!" Funny, I just thought of that. Yeah, it's good. I've started crying three times today, two on reading things here on the forum. How bad was your Trauma? Well, no matter how bad... grief is one of the ways in which reconciliation has come to me. Every time I cry, I see, feel, hear, sense, love, know and embrace that little baby that I was. It's part of my healing. A big part. I am still reading Lisa Feldman Barrett. But beyond that, I am very slow on therapy books. I am highly dubious of my prefrontal cortex. I now believe in Emdr, nervous system re-regulation (will continue learning about that), abdominal strengthening (realized today that my irritated bowel syndrome has pretty much gone away, its been a long time since I have felt intestinal pain. Hernia pain has also reduced.) Where was I?
I want to mention, I feel there's a link between Emdr and Grieving. When I do Emdr with my therapist, it is intense. Each time (twice now) I have cried my guts out. (I think I scared my therapist the first time, that's how intense it was.) Not that it "should" be intense. I also listen to binaural sounds, and I never cry with that. But I do cry when I watch children. And I watch them often. There's a group of school kids that often pass underneath my window certain mornings. And I love watching them. There's also a church in front of my apartment, and for some reason passing kids love to climb the steps up to the church. Today, I watched a little boy, maybe five, pick up his little brother (three?) and carry him down the steps like a sack of potatoes. It was cute as heck. No tears there, but a few days ago I saw a kid crying in the street and his mother picked him up and that brought tears to my eyes.
Crazy, yeah. I miss the love I had in my relationships. That loss makes me sad, reminds me of something.
No, I think Grief is pretty high up there in importance for me. I really stuffed it down for those years of daily trauma, and then even after. Something about crying makes it all make sense... like something that makes no sense whatsoever, and just letting go to the unknown and impossible to conceive and letting the stress pour out through the tears... it somehow lightens after, starts to break apart. Yeah, I'm glad San brought up Grief. Funny how you can already know something, but hearing it again changes it somehow, augmentation of a Truth.
I love you all. Thank you.
I want to mention, I feel there's a link between Emdr and Grieving. When I do Emdr with my therapist, it is intense. Each time (twice now) I have cried my guts out. (I think I scared my therapist the first time, that's how intense it was.) Not that it "should" be intense. I also listen to binaural sounds, and I never cry with that. But I do cry when I watch children. And I watch them often. There's a group of school kids that often pass underneath my window certain mornings. And I love watching them. There's also a church in front of my apartment, and for some reason passing kids love to climb the steps up to the church. Today, I watched a little boy, maybe five, pick up his little brother (three?) and carry him down the steps like a sack of potatoes. It was cute as heck. No tears there, but a few days ago I saw a kid crying in the street and his mother picked him up and that brought tears to my eyes.
Crazy, yeah. I miss the love I had in my relationships. That loss makes me sad, reminds me of something.
No, I think Grief is pretty high up there in importance for me. I really stuffed it down for those years of daily trauma, and then even after. Something about crying makes it all make sense... like something that makes no sense whatsoever, and just letting go to the unknown and impossible to conceive and letting the stress pour out through the tears... it somehow lightens after, starts to break apart. Yeah, I'm glad San brought up Grief. Funny how you can already know something, but hearing it again changes it somehow, augmentation of a Truth.
I love you all. Thank you.
#95
Emotional Abuse / Re: grief
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 09:30:34 PMYeah, it was that bad. I think it's especially important to realize that a developing brain cannot put things into proper context. All children need and deserve: Safety, respected Boundaries, and Love. If any of that is missing in the child's life, and for the entirety of their development, there will be difficulties. There is a fundamental reality of good parenting, and when things go against that, it's very hard (impossible) for a child to understand. So the obvious answer is: It's not that bad... and probably my fault...
As the baseline standard, this is hard to fight against.
But we are, and we do. It WAS that bad...
As the baseline standard, this is hard to fight against.
But we are, and we do. It WAS that bad...
#96
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by Erec - January 20, 2026, 09:23:47 PMTW
I want to thank everyone who responded, but a lot has happened since I last logged into this site. A series of tests I underwent on my own initiative, based on data from many years ago, led me to discover a significant metabolic component of genetic origin behind my issues. It was a revelation, but I was still too fragile to handle it; I had an explosion of emotional dysregulation and ended up in the emergency room for the first time in my life (my mother was frightened and called emergency services).
This triggered many other problems, but in the meantime, a new psychiatrist has agreed to reduce my medication, and I am feeling better. I am taking supplements for the metabolic issue, though the psychiatrist is proceeding with great caution, so the treatment isn't optimal yet. The doctors who saw me when I was very young never asked about my history, so they overlooked the traumatic aspects, and for twenty-five years they failed to perform relatively simple diagnostic tests.
I know now that nothing that happened was my fault, but I have ended up on the radar of social services and I will have to face another massive trauma: I have almost certainly lost twenty-five years of my life to a problem that could have been identified with simple blood tests and resolved with supplements. On one hand, I feel extremely weak; on the other, I am doing better. However, I don't know what my future holds, nor if I will ever find someone in real life capable of understanding my experience and my pain, and of staying by my side.
I want to thank everyone who responded, but a lot has happened since I last logged into this site. A series of tests I underwent on my own initiative, based on data from many years ago, led me to discover a significant metabolic component of genetic origin behind my issues. It was a revelation, but I was still too fragile to handle it; I had an explosion of emotional dysregulation and ended up in the emergency room for the first time in my life (my mother was frightened and called emergency services).
This triggered many other problems, but in the meantime, a new psychiatrist has agreed to reduce my medication, and I am feeling better. I am taking supplements for the metabolic issue, though the psychiatrist is proceeding with great caution, so the treatment isn't optimal yet. The doctors who saw me when I was very young never asked about my history, so they overlooked the traumatic aspects, and for twenty-five years they failed to perform relatively simple diagnostic tests.
I know now that nothing that happened was my fault, but I have ended up on the radar of social services and I will have to face another massive trauma: I have almost certainly lost twenty-five years of my life to a problem that could have been identified with simple blood tests and resolved with supplements. On one hand, I feel extremely weak; on the other, I am doing better. However, I don't know what my future holds, nor if I will ever find someone in real life capable of understanding my experience and my pain, and of staying by my side.
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 09:06:36 PMDalloway... Your post has brought tears to my eyes. I so very much understand that broken child. You ask what to do with the pieces? Pick them up. Put them together, no matter how broken, and hold them in your arms. Love those pieces. Love that little girl who never had a mother. She's alive and well and needs love. No one else can give it to her now, except you.
I've found my prefrontal cortex, rational and conscious, is good for very little, but does excel at one thing in particular. It's capable of stopping the voice of my past, my mother, my uselessness, my existence... I say NO to all that. It feels false, wrong, dumb, totally against what I am feeling. But I've learned... on this ONE thing, my prefrontal conscious mind is actually right.
Dalloway, your philosophy teacher is not wrong. Take that information and force it on yourself. That is the beginning. It takes a Loooooooooooong time to believe the message, the message that goes to the depths of our souls. But the New Word is that we are okay, we are good, we are lovable. We just never got what EVERY child deserves...
I go to playground and watch the children. The younger the better for me. I watch kids fall and see their mothers run to them and pick them up and talk to them and sooth them. I watch other kids hug each other. Sometimes they push, sometimes they laugh, but they are all beautiful and I rejoice in their joy at being. I watch how it was "supposed" to be for me, and often I cry like a madman. Like now. It hurts so much. It goes so deep. I make sense of it all through my tears. And slowly, ever so slowly I feel put back together, I feel more an more whole. I've still a long way to go. I'm still terrified. But day after day, week upon week, it gets easier. I start to believe what was inconceivable two years ago: I am loved. Now by many, and especially by me.
Love yourself Dalloway. You absolutely deserve it.
Sending love, lots of love, Chart
I've found my prefrontal cortex, rational and conscious, is good for very little, but does excel at one thing in particular. It's capable of stopping the voice of my past, my mother, my uselessness, my existence... I say NO to all that. It feels false, wrong, dumb, totally against what I am feeling. But I've learned... on this ONE thing, my prefrontal conscious mind is actually right.
Dalloway, your philosophy teacher is not wrong. Take that information and force it on yourself. That is the beginning. It takes a Loooooooooooong time to believe the message, the message that goes to the depths of our souls. But the New Word is that we are okay, we are good, we are lovable. We just never got what EVERY child deserves...
I go to playground and watch the children. The younger the better for me. I watch kids fall and see their mothers run to them and pick them up and talk to them and sooth them. I watch other kids hug each other. Sometimes they push, sometimes they laugh, but they are all beautiful and I rejoice in their joy at being. I watch how it was "supposed" to be for me, and often I cry like a madman. Like now. It hurts so much. It goes so deep. I make sense of it all through my tears. And slowly, ever so slowly I feel put back together, I feel more an more whole. I've still a long way to go. I'm still terrified. But day after day, week upon week, it gets easier. I start to believe what was inconceivable two years ago: I am loved. Now by many, and especially by me.
Love yourself Dalloway. You absolutely deserve it.
Sending love, lots of love, Chart
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Dalloway - January 20, 2026, 06:57:06 PMToday my philosophy teacher complimented me on a seminar paper I wrote about the importance of social work in modern world. I hated the text I sent him. I didn´t think it was good enough, I didn´t even think it was enough to pass the exam. But then he told me that this was a brilliant work and he liked it very much. At first, I was shocked and relieved that I passed the exam, and honestly, I couldn´t believe my ears. My strongest belief was that everything I do is at best average. I was happy for a moment, I could feel the joy spreading in my body, it made me smile. But then the bad stuff hit in.
The disbelief that it can be true was massive. There´s no way he´s right. There needs to be an explanation other than I really deserved the praise. He´s wrong. He´s exaggerating. The other works were so bad that mine looked better in that light. He doesn´t know what he´s talking about. I refused to let in the idea of simply being sufficient and good enough. I believe that every single person in this world is wrong about me when they attribute me some positive qualities. I´m an impostor and soon they´ll know that. And then I´ll be shamed and punished cause that´s what liars like me deserve. Or what´s even worse than punishment, I won´t live up to their expectations, and I´ll have to face the terrible fact that I let down everyone. Because I´m a disappointment, that´s what I am.
I took the train home and as I settled, tears welled up in my eyes. That´t when I understood that I was grieving for that little girl who never once got positive attention in her life, who was never told how precious she was and was always gaslit into believing that she´s a damaged good. I was uncomfortable hearing the compliments because I never got one from my own mother. And I felt heartbreak hearing this random teacher say those kind words to me because my mom never even got close to be this kind to me. I was crying for the child that was lied to about her not being good enough that led to her adult self questioning even the smallest things she does.
At this point, I´m equally heartbroken and helpless. It´s a lot to take in. It´s hard to comprehend how can someone destroy their own child´s self-esteem at the very core. And it´s even harder to understand how huge of an impact it had on my life. It´s literally everywhere. My very core was injured, the part that was supposed to make me a whole person with a clear sense of self. How could I function as a whole and healthy person when I was betrayed this bad? My whole world fell apart once upon a time when I was a little kid. Now the adult found those pieces but doesn´t know what to do with them.
The disbelief that it can be true was massive. There´s no way he´s right. There needs to be an explanation other than I really deserved the praise. He´s wrong. He´s exaggerating. The other works were so bad that mine looked better in that light. He doesn´t know what he´s talking about. I refused to let in the idea of simply being sufficient and good enough. I believe that every single person in this world is wrong about me when they attribute me some positive qualities. I´m an impostor and soon they´ll know that. And then I´ll be shamed and punished cause that´s what liars like me deserve. Or what´s even worse than punishment, I won´t live up to their expectations, and I´ll have to face the terrible fact that I let down everyone. Because I´m a disappointment, that´s what I am.
I took the train home and as I settled, tears welled up in my eyes. That´t when I understood that I was grieving for that little girl who never once got positive attention in her life, who was never told how precious she was and was always gaslit into believing that she´s a damaged good. I was uncomfortable hearing the compliments because I never got one from my own mother. And I felt heartbreak hearing this random teacher say those kind words to me because my mom never even got close to be this kind to me. I was crying for the child that was lied to about her not being good enough that led to her adult self questioning even the smallest things she does.
At this point, I´m equally heartbroken and helpless. It´s a lot to take in. It´s hard to comprehend how can someone destroy their own child´s self-esteem at the very core. And it´s even harder to understand how huge of an impact it had on my life. It´s literally everywhere. My very core was injured, the part that was supposed to make me a whole person with a clear sense of self. How could I function as a whole and healthy person when I was betrayed this bad? My whole world fell apart once upon a time when I was a little kid. Now the adult found those pieces but doesn´t know what to do with them.
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 06:34:17 PMQuote from: Papa Coco on January 20, 2026, 03:33:13 PMChart: Sorry I sort of hijacked your journal. I'm moving my comments over to mine, but thank you for giving me and Dolly and San a place to reflect on the values and dangers of AI "therapists."PC, as an incredibly wise and intelligent person once said to me, "Mi casa es su casa" And I'd like to add how honored I am at your presence. :-)
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 06:18:07 PMI agree with everything you've described, PC. I think there is a place for Everything we're doing. But we need to understand the impact of each modality, AND just how far it can take us. We all need (slightly) different things, or the same things in different measure. AND we need to understand how it all fits together, which is not exactly the same for everybody either...
Finally, we have to understand things on a relatively cerebral (prefrontal) level... AND THEN experience it in our bodies... and finally begin sensing it through our very SOUL.
Ha! There's a lifetime of learning in all that :-) Alice went through it too. Getting out is nowhere near the same as how we got in.
I think San's observation about grief is a good one. But I'd add, grief can't be forced. It has to come when our bodies are ready. But too, my personal experience has been, once I opened the spigot, the frickin' dam literally burst. I sense there's a whole lot more to come out.
Finally, we have to understand things on a relatively cerebral (prefrontal) level... AND THEN experience it in our bodies... and finally begin sensing it through our very SOUL.
Ha! There's a lifetime of learning in all that :-) Alice went through it too. Getting out is nowhere near the same as how we got in.
I think San's observation about grief is a good one. But I'd add, grief can't be forced. It has to come when our bodies are ready. But too, my personal experience has been, once I opened the spigot, the frickin' dam literally burst. I sense there's a whole lot more to come out.