Recent posts

#91

Depression / Re: Feeling depressed

Last post by Chart - February 03, 2026, 01:58:11 PM

Sorry for all the pain, Ran. I think I know how you feel. It varies, and seems to be improving very very slowly for me, but there's still a lot of pain.
Thinking of you and sending support.
 

#92

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by sanmagic7 - February 03, 2026, 01:18:29 PM

NK, for me it was like a shot of adrenaline!  thank you so for your support.  the session w/ my T went very well.  we're in the 'getting to know you' stage.  i think she's just right for me right now.

chart, of course.  anytime, you can picture me there w/ that ol' bazooka.  happy to take him on! 

the T session was great.  didn't really get any answers for what's been driving me crazy, but maybe i don't need them right now.  i talked a lot about how my body reacts to having to always hold those emotions inside, like losing my legs, and she was amazed - never heard of anyone having that problem before.  she said she looked up alexithymia, so i think she understands it a bit more, but i also explained as best i could about how the brain parts having to do w/ emotions/feelings aren't connected.

i think she's going to be learning a lot.

i just feel calmer, which is a good thing.

also had a bit of a dust-up at the pharmacy - seems the directions for my xanax prescription went wonky, but will now be rectified.  i'll be getting more than i knew, which sent a wave of relief through me.  i've been toughing it out most of the time w/ my anxiety or some of the physical stuff, and now i can just take some meds and feel better.  that's going to be different but wonderful, i think.  like i won't have to be gritting my teeth all the time just to get thru the day.

#93

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by sanmagic7 - February 03, 2026, 01:07:52 PM

hannah1, congrats to you for allowing yourself to feel weak, for learning how to rest.  2 things so many of us weren't taught, didn't learn, weren't allowed.  shame, guilt, humiliation - so much bad was heaped upon us    for not being strong all the time.  those are bricks of expectation to always do, do, do.  i'm so glad to hear you were able to sing a love song to your little hannah.  it brought the sweetest picture to my mind.   

and very glad your family can take care of themselves for this bit - that's the best!  keep taking care of you, ok?  you deserve it.  love and hugs

[other right]

#94

Symptoms - Other / left–right processing weakness

Last post by TheBigBlue - February 03, 2026, 06:01:04 AM

Question for the group: does anyone else mix up left and right, especially under pressure? 🤔

I've noticed that unless I slow down and reason it out, my first instinct is often incorrect. It doesn't feel intuitive for me - it feels like something I have to calculate.
A typical comment from my driving instructor: "Turn right here ... the other right!" 😅

Just wondering how common this is here.

#95

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...

Last post by Armee - February 03, 2026, 05:34:45 AM

Definitely, Blueberry. I always thought I just had bad hand/eye coordination but then I participated in a trauma workshop that incorporated yoga and I noticed how strong the connection was between whether I could follow simple movements and how triggered and dissociated I was.

#96

Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Forum technical difficulties F...

Last post by Blueberry - February 03, 2026, 12:38:39 AM

Kizzie, will you please let us know when the technical difficulties are sorted? I feel a bit wary of writing long posts atm in case they disappear, as has sometimes happened in the past when technical updates were done by OOTF. Or maybe these technical difficulties are different and will not cause irreversible disappearance of recent posts?

Thank you for all your work on and for OOTS,
Blueberry

#97

Depression / Re: Feeling depressed

Last post by Ran - February 03, 2026, 12:19:51 AM

I get that. Words don't automatically reach the place that's hurting - especially after trust has been ruptured or a space that once felt safe suddenly turns against you. When support doesn't land, it can make the loneliness feel sharper, not softer.
I'm really glad you said all this here. It makes sense that you'd want to feel genuinely seen, not told to "just journal" or "move on." What you're describing is something many of us here recognize in our bones, which is why it doesn't feel shallow in this space. You're not alone in this. 

A little late, but I hope some hugs are okay...
 

Thank you both. Hugs.

I haven't really updated, but right now I'm trying to deal with my attachment issue. I get attached to people and spaces that show me a lot of care and love, something that I didn't get much in real life. It's really hard to deal with, because it tells and shows me all sorts of bad stuff.

I fell in love with someone online, but I told him I deal with my attachement stuff myself as he was worried about it. We haven't talked much as he is busy in university.

I also left a server for a little bit, because my mind was noisy with things that I am unimportant, no one loves or cares for me and such just from reading people chatting each other and now it's a bit quieter. Just needed a break from it.

I do feel very much lonely and depressed still and having hand pain contributes a lot to it.

#98

Other / Re: Psychosis as a result of t...

Last post by TheBigBlue - February 02, 2026, 10:07:12 PM

Sending support! 

#99

Other / Re: Psychosis as a result of t...

Last post by Teddy bear - February 02, 2026, 09:14:20 PM

Thanks a lot, Chart 💚
This support does mean a lot

#100

Employment / Re: "Picking" a career

Last post by Teddy bear - February 02, 2026, 09:10:46 PM

I'm glad to hear you are recovering Teddy Bear, it sounds like you went through quite a bad period. Are you recovering on your own or do you have a therapist?

I'd personally be interested to hear about the mental health system where you live as Russia still remains a mystery in many ways. It seems odd that there is an acceptance of the ICD-10 but not the ICD-11 which does have CPTSD as a diagnosis. Is this something you could ask for from a therapist/the health system (i.e., that you be evaluated for CPTSD according to the ICD-11)? And may I ask what is "F20"?

Also, there is a guide we developed as part of a project a team of us completed recently which is for healthcare professionals and does cover complex relational trauma and complex PTSD, as well as trauma informed care, etc. It's here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/healthcare-project. It's only in English though so that may be prohibitive. If there is a T who does speak English though, it likely would be quite helpful.

I do hope you are able to carve out a career in the near future, it sounds like you have some ideas about what you'd like to do 

Hey Kizzie,

Thanks a lot. Yeah, I keep trying and, well, getting some results sometimes, which is motivating. For example, today I got an email confirming my place on an online illustration course. I'm really glad 😊 as the tutor is quite a well-known professional in Russia. Anyway, it should be fun 🙃

The mental health system in Russia is still punitive by its very nature. It's based on the Soviet system, which oppressed dissidents and non-conforming people. 
It's similar today: there are many political prisoners here, and psychiatry is again being used against some of them.

The system basically has an entrance but no exit path. That's the norm. 
Although some fortunate individuals manage to get rid of their diagnoses and supervision, or get their driving licence back, etc., it's extremely rare. Nevertheless, I know of a few such cases.

About the diagnosis: F20 is "paranoid schizophrenia". 
As I read just yesterday (and have noticed over the last ten or more years), they use it as a "rubbish bin" diagnosis for anyone who has experienced psychosis. No one ever clarifies whether it was caused by trauma. (Honestly, I now believe that most F20 cases are. The chemical imbalance theory sounds more and more made-up and unbelievable to me.)

Most psychiatrists belong to the "old Soviet school", so their methods include: haloperidol, chlorpromazine (known here as aminazine), restraint with straps, involuntary hospitalisations, and so on...

The Serbsky Institute remains a frightening place (it's where Professor Snezhnevsky worked and invented the "sluggish schizophrenia" diagnosis, which means it can be schizophrenia even without psychosis. It's was used against dissidents widely.
Officially they can't use it anymore, but I've noticed it's used even by some doctors still). 
While I've heard of some people who undergo medical examinations and see doctors at this institution (probably they don't know the history well enough), I would never do it. Currently, it functions mainly for court-ordered psychiatric expertise.

Apart from psychiatric hospitals, we also have dispensaries (диспансеры), which is what I have to visit periodically, and the saddest part—psycho-neurological internats (ПНИ)—where people with "serious mental illnesses" live in horrible conditions.

The laws regarding psychiatric help are, in short, as follows: you can be sectioned (detained involuntarily) in three cases: 
- you represent a danger to yourself, 
- a danger to others, 
- or you are unable to take care of yourself. 

In fact, the rules are often abused. For example, I have an F20 diagnosis, which means I can easily be hospitalised (and I was) even when the criteria aren't truly met. The words of relatives, neighbours, and doctors all carry more weight than the patient's.

Probably, in rare cases, they do something necessary (like when I had a suicide attempt in 2016, leading to my first hospitalisation and first psychotic episode), but I've had no attempts since then. 
Ironically, I had suicidal thoughts AFTER the hospitalisations. The hospital is basically like a prison, I suppose. (But as Soviet dissidents said, it's even worse: in prison you know your sentence, but in a psychiatric hospital, you never do.) 
I've been hospitalised four times, roughly two months each. I understand it's not the worst-case scenario, but certainly not the best; some are lucky to be discharged in a few weeks.

Psychiatric patients are people with restricted rights, even when they are legally competent (дееспособны), like me. There's a lot of stigma and discrimination (like yesterday at the doctor's iffice, but it can happen anywhere), prejudice, myths, etc. 
Even self-stigma, I suppose, in many people, which is of course caused by the system.

Lately, I tried to join a democratic organisation with the desire to advocate for my rights (as a patient) and the rights of others in the same boat, but I fairly quickly understood that almost no one actually cares, even in such organisations. 
Anyway, there's a war on now, and that's the first priority. Not psychiatric patients.