Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by HannahOne - February 17, 2026, 04:17:42 AMSO, survivor's guilt is real.
It's a particular kind of pain to watch helplessly or to feel like a witness to pain you can do nothing to prevent.
And the choices of others affect us. It's one thing if people want to create chaos in their own lives but it spills over onto their children, and then onto you--and while you're on the Camino! (Sometime I must hear about that, I've always wanted to do it!). We are in a way traumatized again and again when those close to us suffer similar ways we did.
I have struggled to find words, too. I don't know if these thoughts will land, everyone is different and our stories are similar yet unique, particular. Something that helped me was to start by speaking to the particularity of my experience. The context, the specifics, the details, are where the devil is. With our kind of trauma it seems to me that the trauma is as much in the CONTEXT as it is in the CONTENT. It's not that our parent yelled at us once, it's how that related to our father, sibling, what happened before and after, the meaning the words had to us....And that context takes some words to describe. It's the context that delivers the emotional "punch" we received as much as the specific cruel words that were said to us.
The speechlessness is part of the trauma, we are struck dumb by their emotional abuse and manipulation just as much as if we were physically struck; a physical strike is often actually easier to take and manage as it has a beginning middle and end, whereas emotional abuse is the water we swim in. The relationship itself becomes a traumatizing environment, not just an incident of abuse. And how does a fish describe water? as the late great David Foster Wallace said.
Our words are part of what was taken, twisted, torn away from us. So it's a process to find the words. You're in that process now.
It's a particular kind of pain to watch helplessly or to feel like a witness to pain you can do nothing to prevent.
And the choices of others affect us. It's one thing if people want to create chaos in their own lives but it spills over onto their children, and then onto you--and while you're on the Camino! (Sometime I must hear about that, I've always wanted to do it!). We are in a way traumatized again and again when those close to us suffer similar ways we did.
I have struggled to find words, too. I don't know if these thoughts will land, everyone is different and our stories are similar yet unique, particular. Something that helped me was to start by speaking to the particularity of my experience. The context, the specifics, the details, are where the devil is. With our kind of trauma it seems to me that the trauma is as much in the CONTEXT as it is in the CONTENT. It's not that our parent yelled at us once, it's how that related to our father, sibling, what happened before and after, the meaning the words had to us....And that context takes some words to describe. It's the context that delivers the emotional "punch" we received as much as the specific cruel words that were said to us.
The speechlessness is part of the trauma, we are struck dumb by their emotional abuse and manipulation just as much as if we were physically struck; a physical strike is often actually easier to take and manage as it has a beginning middle and end, whereas emotional abuse is the water we swim in. The relationship itself becomes a traumatizing environment, not just an incident of abuse. And how does a fish describe water? as the late great David Foster Wallace said.
Our words are part of what was taken, twisted, torn away from us. So it's a process to find the words. You're in that process now.
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by HannahOne - February 17, 2026, 04:00:52 AMI love the quote by Hecato, Marcine! The Stoics got me through many a time. Being a friend to oneself. I have continued to think about this, beginning, becoming.
Hooray for direct experience!
Hooray for direct experience!
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by HannahOne - February 17, 2026, 03:59:05 AMLove it for the hair! And yes, it is NEVER too late! We only get more marvelous as we age!
I love robins, such a lovely bird. We have one huddling by our front porch as it creates a corner. He's all puffed up with the cold and sheltering there most mornings. A special friend. He was expecting warmer times here already! Spring is coming.
And yes, it is NEVER too late! We only get more marvelous as we age!I love robins, such a lovely bird. We have one huddling by our front porch as it creates a corner. He's all puffed up with the cold and sheltering there most mornings. A special friend. He was expecting warmer times here already! Spring is coming.
#94
Self-Help & Recovery / Tough Time
Last post by Mamatus - February 16, 2026, 11:43:15 PMIve experienced what feels like a full collapse after many years of high-functioning, nonstop work in the creative arts. I was always someone who coped by pushing harder, achieving more, and staying productive.I never really relaxed - my favourite past time involved adrenaline and socialising always involved heavy drinking to overcome social anxiety I was unaware of. I had to give away drinking some years ago now. That mode of life worked for a long time until it didn't.
I grew up with intense and chronic emotional abuse from my mother (who has since passed). I don't think I ever properly processed the trauma even with weekly therapy. Over the past year, major life stressors — family, financial pressure, responsibility — seem to have fused with that earlier trauma, and everything has started to feel existential. I now feel permanently stuck just getting through each day but without the tools to solve the looming problems.
My hardest part is the inner critic. I wake most mornings around 4:30am with intense, unbearable thoughts. By midday it usually eases somewhat. I train physically most afternoons, partly because it helps regulate me and gives me a bit of mental quiet later in the day.
I'm very interested in hearing from others who've had similar experiences. What helped? What didn't? Any perspective or lived experience would be appreciated.
It's been tough at times to keep going, but I am still here and still trying.
I grew up with intense and chronic emotional abuse from my mother (who has since passed). I don't think I ever properly processed the trauma even with weekly therapy. Over the past year, major life stressors — family, financial pressure, responsibility — seem to have fused with that earlier trauma, and everything has started to feel existential. I now feel permanently stuck just getting through each day but without the tools to solve the looming problems.
My hardest part is the inner critic. I wake most mornings around 4:30am with intense, unbearable thoughts. By midday it usually eases somewhat. I train physically most afternoons, partly because it helps regulate me and gives me a bit of mental quiet later in the day.
I'm very interested in hearing from others who've had similar experiences. What helped? What didn't? Any perspective or lived experience would be appreciated.
It's been tough at times to keep going, but I am still here and still trying.
#95
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - February 16, 2026, 10:39:28 PMThanks you three 
. I really liked our outing. I felt very present at the zoo and learned a lot of photography techniques. One of my best photos was of my partner which made them happy since they're usually behind the camera.
. I really liked our outing. I felt very present at the zoo and learned a lot of photography techniques. One of my best photos was of my partner which made them happy since they're usually behind the camera. #96
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by Marcine - February 16, 2026, 09:46:46 PMFrom Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, in the chapter called "Silver Linings", page 80.
"We live in an emotionally impoverished culture, and those who stick with a long term recovery process are often rewarded with emotional intelligence far beyond the norm. This is somewhat paradoxical, as survivors of childhood trauma are initially injured more grievously in their emotional natures than those in the general population.
"...Those who work an effective recovery program not only recover significantly from emotional damage, but also evolve out of the emotional impoverishment of the general society."
Pete goes on to write in that chapter about the silver linings in recovery— building relational intelligence, creating authentic and reciprocal relationships, ongoing learning, inner wisdom, self respect, resilience.
Yes to being on the right and good path, BigBlue.
And yes to being in such good company here on the forum
"We live in an emotionally impoverished culture, and those who stick with a long term recovery process are often rewarded with emotional intelligence far beyond the norm. This is somewhat paradoxical, as survivors of childhood trauma are initially injured more grievously in their emotional natures than those in the general population.
"...Those who work an effective recovery program not only recover significantly from emotional damage, but also evolve out of the emotional impoverishment of the general society."
Pete goes on to write in that chapter about the silver linings in recovery— building relational intelligence, creating authentic and reciprocal relationships, ongoing learning, inner wisdom, self respect, resilience.
Yes to being on the right and good path, BigBlue.
And yes to being in such good company here on the forum
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - February 16, 2026, 08:52:18 PMStrategy for managing my self-hatred: Find one little useful thing I can cope with doing, no matter how small, and do it. Then if I can, find another little useful thing and do it. Then if I can, another. Etc. If at any time I start feeling like I can't cope with whatever I'm doing, STOP. Find something else to do, or rest. When possible, go see the river.
#98
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introducing myself - hi, m...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 16, 2026, 08:10:07 PMWelcome, Layla. 
I'm glad you're here, and you're welcome to move at your own pace - there's no rush and no obligation to share more than feels right. 💛
I'm glad you're here, and you're welcome to move at your own pace - there's no rush and no obligation to share more than feels right. 💛
#99
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Introducing myself - hi, my na...
Last post by LaylaDalal - February 16, 2026, 07:21:50 PMHi,
My name is Layla and I'm glad to have landed here. My journey is still very hard to talk about so I prefer to take it step by step but I wanted to say hello here already. I'm only now figuring out how strongly my life is impacted by dissociative states, amnesia and chronic pain. I also believe that these "issues" are my gifts and my road to recovery. I've come a long road from getting sober from alcohol and being in recovery with sex addiction and codependency. These groups help me a lot but I do feel that they cannot hold the severity of my traumatic past. And eventhough I struggle to speak (or even write, only some parts have access) about it, I do feel, I need to find groups who specifically share awareness around their very traumatic experiences, to feel safe enough to open up. Hoping, that this can be a space here at some point. Thank you for reading! ❤️
My name is Layla and I'm glad to have landed here. My journey is still very hard to talk about so I prefer to take it step by step but I wanted to say hello here already. I'm only now figuring out how strongly my life is impacted by dissociative states, amnesia and chronic pain. I also believe that these "issues" are my gifts and my road to recovery. I've come a long road from getting sober from alcohol and being in recovery with sex addiction and codependency. These groups help me a lot but I do feel that they cannot hold the severity of my traumatic past. And eventhough I struggle to speak (or even write, only some parts have access) about it, I do feel, I need to find groups who specifically share awareness around their very traumatic experiences, to feel safe enough to open up. Hoping, that this can be a space here at some point. Thank you for reading! ❤️
#100
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 16, 2026, 07:11:36 PM
to both of you.Teddybear, I hear you. There are the active shamers and then the more indirect shaming that comes from "helpers," even when they think they're being reassuring. Both can land as being put under a microscope, especially when you're already tired and vulnerable.
If you haven't seen this thread yet, you might find it interesting.
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17004.0�
Especially the science behind the connection between CPTSD and obesity.
Quote from: TheBigBlue on December 01, 2025, 02:26:42 PM[...] Multiple independent meta-analyses (i.e., studies that pool data from many original studies) report that Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) exposure is associated with higher odds of obesity. [...]Given that context, it makes complete sense that comments about body size - even "neutral" or reassuring ones - can be activating. Your reaction isn't over-sensitivity; it's an understandable response to having your body treated as a topic rather than you being met as a person. I'm glad you're listening to yourself and getting support around this. 💛