Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 06, 2026, 07:11:40 PMI'm so sorry Dalloway. It breaks my heart you are suffering so much. This is torture.
Not all of you has accepted the abusive messages you got in various ways. There's a part of you who wrote this. You are voicing your excruciating experiences here because you care about you. The one who seems to be almost crushed under the weight she carries. I'm rooting for her. I'm rooting for you.
It's brave to share the rawness of it like you did. Your deserve other people to acknowledge your suffering. And you deserve to be free from all of it. The part that happens in silence, in utter loneliness, is the heaviest burden to carry. I don't know what it's like to be you. I can only ask you to consider the possibility that I recognize a lot of what you describe. And many others here too. I've spent most of my life there. This is why I feel great compassion for you.
Today I wrote an e-mail to a CPTSD support group I want to join. It's name is called "my voice". In the e-mail I said that to me, everyone with complex trauma is already complete and lovable, and that we need others to be able to experience that and embrace it ourselves. This is also how I see you. Our minds are like a bad neighborhood. We better not go there alone.
Your loneliness is calling you to become the person you already are deep down. Because you know that the shadow of youself you had to become to survive is nowhere near your potential. It hurts, because you care. And you care, because on some level you know you deserve much better than this. You're right.
Gabor opened my eyes to what self love actually means in the video below. I couldn't love myself at the time, but he planted a seed that has taken root.
Much love
Dr Gabor Maté 'value' 2nd Clue
Not all of you has accepted the abusive messages you got in various ways. There's a part of you who wrote this. You are voicing your excruciating experiences here because you care about you. The one who seems to be almost crushed under the weight she carries. I'm rooting for her. I'm rooting for you.
It's brave to share the rawness of it like you did. Your deserve other people to acknowledge your suffering. And you deserve to be free from all of it. The part that happens in silence, in utter loneliness, is the heaviest burden to carry. I don't know what it's like to be you. I can only ask you to consider the possibility that I recognize a lot of what you describe. And many others here too. I've spent most of my life there. This is why I feel great compassion for you.
Today I wrote an e-mail to a CPTSD support group I want to join. It's name is called "my voice". In the e-mail I said that to me, everyone with complex trauma is already complete and lovable, and that we need others to be able to experience that and embrace it ourselves. This is also how I see you. Our minds are like a bad neighborhood. We better not go there alone.
Your loneliness is calling you to become the person you already are deep down. Because you know that the shadow of youself you had to become to survive is nowhere near your potential. It hurts, because you care. And you care, because on some level you know you deserve much better than this. You're right.
Gabor opened my eyes to what self love actually means in the video below. I couldn't love myself at the time, but he planted a seed that has taken root.
Much love
Dr Gabor Maté 'value' 2nd Clue
#92
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi, I'm mo and I'm new...
Last post by Blueberry - January 06, 2026, 07:09:24 PMHugs Highimpedance 
I often lack the bandwidth myself to write much to others, but I do validation, because it is so important! I've needed it myself for years, still do at times. And I send when I know people are OK with that. For some people especially new members it could be overwhelming, so I'm careful that way.
This forum has been so so good for me, so supportive, a place I come almost daily, despite my mostly having therapy of some type. I hope it can be a great suppportive place for you too!
I don't understand some of your original post, like ESA and php, I probably don't live in the same country as you. No stress though, I'm sure most other people understand them.
I often lack the bandwidth myself to write much to others, but I do validation, because it is so important! I've needed it myself for years, still do at times. And I send
when I know people are OK with that. For some people especially new members it could be overwhelming, so I'm careful that way.This forum has been so so good for me, so supportive, a place I come almost daily, despite my mostly having therapy of some type. I hope it can be a great suppportive place for you too!
I don't understand some of your original post, like ESA and php, I probably don't live in the same country as you. No stress though, I'm sure most other people understand them.
#93
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi, I'm mo and I'm new...
Last post by Kizzie - January 06, 2026, 05:35:43 PMWelcome to Out of the Storm Highimpedance 
So sorry for all that you have been through and are dealing with at present. I'm always happy when survivors manage to find their way here and begin to feel the relief of not being so alone anymore.
So sorry for all that you have been through and are dealing with at present. I'm always happy when survivors manage to find their way here and begin to feel the relief of not being so alone anymore. #94
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by HannahOne - January 06, 2026, 04:21:02 PMDalloway, I'm glad you're here on the forum and were able to write about your experience and share it here. We want to hear your voice, what you share is valuable to all of us with CTPSD as we are all trying to understand what cPTSD is and how it shaped us. Writing and speaking is the opposite of staying silent, and it's an instinct you have, to write in a journal, share, an instinct you're trying to follow even though some parts of you think it's pointless.
I really related to this: "You are not a valuable human being with a shape and form, boundaries and a real existence. You are just a shapeless entity, made to serve other people´s needs and desires. You don´t have your voice, it was all given to you and one day, when you decide to give it back, you´ll have nothing left." Your loneliness is familiar to me.
I also related to thinking about your inner child in the third person. I think of my inner children as "parts of me" and I find that helpful. Because that IS me, I am that broken child, and also, that is not aLL of me, I'm also an adult, with power and choices. I'm so sorry for the ways your trauma has shaped you, and impressed at your perseverance and strength to own your pain and work with it.
I really related to this: "You are not a valuable human being with a shape and form, boundaries and a real existence. You are just a shapeless entity, made to serve other people´s needs and desires. You don´t have your voice, it was all given to you and one day, when you decide to give it back, you´ll have nothing left." Your loneliness is familiar to me.
I also related to thinking about your inner child in the third person. I think of my inner children as "parts of me" and I find that helpful. Because that IS me, I am that broken child, and also, that is not aLL of me, I'm also an adult, with power and choices. I'm so sorry for the ways your trauma has shaped you, and impressed at your perseverance and strength to own your pain and work with it.
#95
Successes, Progress? / Re: Post-Traumatic Joy
Last post by Kizzie - January 06, 2026, 03:53:36 PMI absolutely love the term "post-traumatic joy" SO 
There is nothing quite so wonderful than feeling that connection and understanding with other survivors that can bring about a sense of belonging and joy. Pass the champagne please 
There is nothing quite so wonderful than feeling that connection and understanding with other survivors that can bring about a sense of belonging and joy. Pass the champagne please #96
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Dalloway - January 06, 2026, 03:49:59 PMTW for the whole text - mention of abuse
I get jealous of people who are cared for all the time. The presence of other people in each other´s lives makes me feel my utter loneliness and pain even more. I dream about similar things almost every night: the scenario is always me being around a bunch of people who are getting along very well, but seemingly unaware of the fact that I´m also part of the group. The pain I feel every night is very real because it´s the same pain I feel constantly when I´m awake. So during the day, in those hours of sleepwalking and actively trying to stay sane enough to do the things I´m supposed to as an adult, my whole existence is about profound and omnipresent loneliness. People´s interactions, understanding of each other and connections remind me of my being an outsider, far-far away from the human society. And every missed connection, each skipped conversation, every laughter and chitchat I´m not a part of, is telling me the decades long story that I´ve already memorized when I was a child. "You are not a valuable human being with a shape and form, boundaries and a real existence. You are just a shapeless entity, made to serve other people´s needs and desires. You don´t have your voice, it was all given to you and one day, when you decide to give it back, you´ll have nothing left."
The person I was made into never got to experience what true love is. She never once heard that she´s loved and frankly, that the people around her are really glad that she´s there. She has no qualities that she could give in exchange for love from others. She doesn´t even expect anyone to love her, because she understands that that´s impossible, since she´s unlovable. That´s what she learned with every breath, with every word and every glance from her mother, every time she was yelled at, called names and hit. "You only get what you deserve and deep in your heart you know that´s because you deserve nothing more than that."
It´s a person that was made to suffer. I´m not wondering why. I only know that she doesn´t for a second believe that she deserves the love she´s yearning for. Just like in her dreams - or should I at this point start to call them nightmares - of every night: no one´s there to validate her existence and if someone does, it´s in a so pitiful way that getting nothing feels better than that. "You are a burden to people, can´t you see that?" And she knows that and knows that she was indeed made to suffer. Dreaming or awake, her shadow is following her everywhere. The shadow made of tears, blood and silent cries, cause no one comes to help anyway.
But now this person is a sweetheart, smiling at the terrible world that made her suffer. She doesn´t know better than to smile. Crying is not an option - it´s totally useless and also totally dangerous. If she´s nice all the time, she can maybe get some affection at least. Attention that is faked or illusory, she has no doubt about that. There´s no way people are capable of giving true, unconditional love to her. Her mother didn´t do that, why would they? Everyone wants something in return. Be silent, be a good girl, listen to all the names they are calling you, stay still when they accuse you of things you didn´t do, feel you rage boiling in your chest and then swallow it. Forget the natural instincts you were born with: stay quiet when you want to scream, stay in your place when you want to run away and hide. Freeze, again and again and again.
I need to talk about her in third person sometimes. This person can´t be me. She´s so broken and full of scars, who would like to be her? To think about all the things she went through is scary as *. And yet, it´s me carrying the memories that haunt me in my dreams. I can´t get rid of them, can´t push them away, send them to the end of the world. I have to live with all that happened and continues to happen day by day. It never ended because it lives inside me for the rest of my life.
I get jealous of people who are cared for all the time. The presence of other people in each other´s lives makes me feel my utter loneliness and pain even more. I dream about similar things almost every night: the scenario is always me being around a bunch of people who are getting along very well, but seemingly unaware of the fact that I´m also part of the group. The pain I feel every night is very real because it´s the same pain I feel constantly when I´m awake. So during the day, in those hours of sleepwalking and actively trying to stay sane enough to do the things I´m supposed to as an adult, my whole existence is about profound and omnipresent loneliness. People´s interactions, understanding of each other and connections remind me of my being an outsider, far-far away from the human society. And every missed connection, each skipped conversation, every laughter and chitchat I´m not a part of, is telling me the decades long story that I´ve already memorized when I was a child. "You are not a valuable human being with a shape and form, boundaries and a real existence. You are just a shapeless entity, made to serve other people´s needs and desires. You don´t have your voice, it was all given to you and one day, when you decide to give it back, you´ll have nothing left."
The person I was made into never got to experience what true love is. She never once heard that she´s loved and frankly, that the people around her are really glad that she´s there. She has no qualities that she could give in exchange for love from others. She doesn´t even expect anyone to love her, because she understands that that´s impossible, since she´s unlovable. That´s what she learned with every breath, with every word and every glance from her mother, every time she was yelled at, called names and hit. "You only get what you deserve and deep in your heart you know that´s because you deserve nothing more than that."
It´s a person that was made to suffer. I´m not wondering why. I only know that she doesn´t for a second believe that she deserves the love she´s yearning for. Just like in her dreams - or should I at this point start to call them nightmares - of every night: no one´s there to validate her existence and if someone does, it´s in a so pitiful way that getting nothing feels better than that. "You are a burden to people, can´t you see that?" And she knows that and knows that she was indeed made to suffer. Dreaming or awake, her shadow is following her everywhere. The shadow made of tears, blood and silent cries, cause no one comes to help anyway.
But now this person is a sweetheart, smiling at the terrible world that made her suffer. She doesn´t know better than to smile. Crying is not an option - it´s totally useless and also totally dangerous. If she´s nice all the time, she can maybe get some affection at least. Attention that is faked or illusory, she has no doubt about that. There´s no way people are capable of giving true, unconditional love to her. Her mother didn´t do that, why would they? Everyone wants something in return. Be silent, be a good girl, listen to all the names they are calling you, stay still when they accuse you of things you didn´t do, feel you rage boiling in your chest and then swallow it. Forget the natural instincts you were born with: stay quiet when you want to scream, stay in your place when you want to run away and hide. Freeze, again and again and again.
I need to talk about her in third person sometimes. This person can´t be me. She´s so broken and full of scars, who would like to be her? To think about all the things she went through is scary as *. And yet, it´s me carrying the memories that haunt me in my dreams. I can´t get rid of them, can´t push them away, send them to the end of the world. I have to live with all that happened and continues to happen day by day. It never ended because it lives inside me for the rest of my life.
#97
Successes, Progress? / Re: Post-Traumatic Joy
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 06, 2026, 12:12:54 PMCheers Marcine! 
Part of we is me.
Part of me is we.
Ubuntu.
Part of we is me.
Part of me is we.
Ubuntu.
#98
Conferences/Courses / Re: FREE, Decode your trauma, ...
Last post by Chart - January 06, 2026, 06:39:23 AMI listened to tye replay last night. Kinda unenthusiastic at the beginning, but I did get two ideas out of the whole thing that I find very valuable.
One is the definition of Trauma. I'm gonna explore that a bit.
The second were the core needs of children: Love, Safety and Boundaries. It was very good for me to hear this explicitly.
Anyway, thanks again BB!
One is the definition of Trauma. I'm gonna explore that a bit.
The second were the core needs of children: Love, Safety and Boundaries. It was very good for me to hear this explicitly.
Anyway, thanks again BB!
#99
Other / Re: Psychosis as a result of t...
Last post by Armee - January 06, 2026, 05:43:57 AMHi I don't have much helpful to share. Kizzie covered the resources and the reassurance that it is 100% ok to ask here.
I've had symptoms that a less calm therapist might have jumped to conclusions about with psychosis. I was lucky that he understood them to be trauma symptoms and not true psychosis and never was placed on medications.
Mostly it was "hallucinations" that were auditory, visual, and sensory flashbacks made much much worse by the lack of sleep from ptsd. I'm guessing your symptoms are much more disruptive and wish you luck with settling them slowly as you heal.
I've had symptoms that a less calm therapist might have jumped to conclusions about with psychosis. I was lucky that he understood them to be trauma symptoms and not true psychosis and never was placed on medications.
Mostly it was "hallucinations" that were auditory, visual, and sensory flashbacks made much much worse by the lack of sleep from ptsd. I'm guessing your symptoms are much more disruptive and wish you luck with settling them slowly as you heal.
#100
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi, I'm mo and I'm new...
Last post by highimpedance - January 06, 2026, 04:41:46 AMThanks so much for the warm welcome, all of you. It can be especially difficult to leave everything behind to find sanity in simplicity as a matter of life and death. I feel a little isolated just in the fact it's hard to share anything about my past; I haven't been called anything but my stage name in years so sometimes I don't even answer people when they're addressing me. Tbh, just in the past 2 weeks did I really start to learn about the link between my sensitivities and the cptsd, so being here even just to lurk and learn slowly that there are so many others that struggle with the same issues has made me feel a little less misunderstood, and a lot more hope. Just the validation from Blueberry that it is a lot even leaving so much out, and the kind words from NarcKiddo, Chart, and TheBigBlue mean the world. Especially the hugs