Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 20, 2026, 02:37:48 AMSanMagic, thank you for seeing the whole of me 
NarcKiddo, thank you for reading and commenting. Solidarity.
NarcKiddo, thank you for reading and commenting. Solidarity.
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - February 20, 2026, 01:14:51 AMQuote from: Blueberry on February 19, 2026, 11:54:35 PMI did notice that sounding out the sentences repeatedly, for improving listening skills and pronunciation, seemed to lead to exhaustion (?) in my mouth and throat.
Quote from: Blueberry on February 19, 2026, 06:28:04 PMSo now I notice my attention wandering, probably time I looked back into what was going on during my language lesson? what did I overlook? what self-soothing would I have needed then? what do I or Parts need now?
There's nothing like going back to actually doing part of a lesson to start figuring things out...
I now have some pain in my throat and ears, which is a psychosomatic reaction I know very well. It's not so common these days. One reason during my language lesson seemed to be: I felt happy at the improvement I made / or just noticing I got something right
and then this pain as a backlash because BB is not allowed to be good at something. Thanks FOO. Not a new concept for me, not surprising that this is what came up. I also notice tension in my body, especially my chest (breathing apparatus?) and a hollow feeling when I'm about to check my response, because it could be wrong. This is obviously something I need to work on Parts with, even 'just' explaining that it's OK to make mistakes.
Also it feels new and scary (not so approved in FOO?) for me to be deducing answers from context or... This is actually an aspect of learning this particular language from Duolingo which I find good. Deduce the grammar rules thru your own work during the lessons, you're more likely to actually learn for keeps than if you read the rule. But I suppose that's my head plus what I taught myself professionally rather than any kind of past emotion from an IC
FOO was big on deducing answers, but not so big on my doing so. They were more keen on putting me down for being 'stupid'. So I suppose it could feel scary for a Part or two if I'm able to deduce now? Tightening in chest + hollow feeling while writing that down. Exhale, big sigh.
To state the obvious, it's more important for me to work with these IC topics coming up than to forge ahead with the duolingo. Even if I'm high up the weekly chart rn and that does feel good. Keeping going regularly with a task i.e. practising is a goal, but equally important to find out what kind of hurdles are in the way. Grrr. Don't want hurdles, was glad there were so few, glad to get so far w/o encountering many but now they're coming and otoh that's like a 'gift' because now I'm not in the dark so much anymore about why activating myself can be so difficult. On the cusp of big progress, probably.
Learning this particular language does make me think of FOO a bit. Not because they spoke it or learnt it or wanted me to or anything. Just other reasons. Plus learning it especially the pronunciation reminds me how much especially my parents always took for granted that the way they speak is the correct way. And the way they ridiculed people who spoke English a different way from what they viewed as acceptable. Some dialects were acceptable to them, even though my parents didn't use those dialects. Very weird and confusing for me growing up. I suppose it might feel alarming to some Part of me to realise that I know more than M does about this particular language and how it affects pronunciation of geographical features etc in my parents' home country
It seems also that a Part feels the remembered disapproval of FOO about newer methods in education and/or language learning. Again, a bit like deducing. I can look for the answer to a sentence or just a word or two in Duolingo before I click to Check. And I do do that. Basically so I don't lose so many points that I can't continue learning, but also so that I don't continually misspell or use wrong words and get them stuck in my memory. The methods I'm using seem to actually work for me. But that's scary. Forget to breathe etc.
So, that gives me quite a bit to work on.
#93
Recovery Journals / Hingepin Manor! (def no trigge...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 20, 2026, 01:02:42 AMI found "Hingepin Manor"!
Searching through newspaper archives for legal notifications related to properties and then translating the "lot/parcel/etc" to a street address revealed... An empty lot. But going back in time on Google Street view showed the house before it was demolished.
I'm hoping that the picture will trigger some new memories, because all of my memories of this place are happy.
My dad brought me with him once when I was 2 years old while he was fixing it up. I have many memories from that day. I woke up on a PCC trolley. It was very weird, the only time I've ever been inside one. Dim round lights in the ceiling, wooden seats, all the grownups (mostly men) dressed very smartly. The ride had a rattly, bumpy quality.
We got off the trolley downtown and it was only then I realized it was a trolley. The steel wheels rattling as it turned the corner, commutator sparking in the dark.
I asked my dad what time it was, and he said it was 9:00! It looked like nighttime and the streetlights were on, but this was normal for downtown Pittsburgh in 1973. We got on a bus and I was disappointed. I really liked the trolley. Apparently I was used to riding buses.
My dad sat me in the kitchen, told me not to go anywhere, and went off to do some work...
The door to the basement was missing, and I got to playing with random stuff, including a couple hinge pins I found near the doorway. There was a gap between the stairs and the wall, so I played "bombardier".
Dad came back later and asked me what happened to the hingepins. I blinked (I had no idea what hingepins were). Where are the hingepins?
"Hingepins" is a hilarious sounding word. I didn't know what it meant, but it sounded funny. I started giggling, then doubled over in gales of laughter, tears streaming down my face. "Where are the hingepins"? "Hinnnngepinnns"!
And the more I laughed and squealed "hingepins", the angrier and more frustrated he got. He went off and came back with another pair of hingepins, but they didn't look like the ones I had dropped.
So he put me in a high chair and gave me some cheerios so I'd stay put. The high chair was *very* high and unstable and I was afraid to move for fear it'd fall over. I sat there quietly and watched Dad work. He did find the pins in the basement and hang the door.
On our way home we stopped in a bar (definitely a bar) and dad got me a slice of pizza to eat. while he talked with his friends. I asked about the pepper flakes and he told me they were hot. I put them on my pizza and sat there in a booster seat on a high backed barstool and munched on my pizza. It was spicy, but I ate it all anyway. Not out of fear of dad being gruff, but because I didn't want to admit that I'd used too much pepper.
-------------------------
I have many "random polaroid" memories in that house. No signs of DV or anything like that. Mom and Dad seemed very happy with each other. We were there from Summer '73 to at least January '74. I know this because I remember my baby sister and I ruined my brother's brand new drum set playing "diner" in the basement. The drum heads were made out of paper and my sister and I had been placing cups of water on them pretending we were serving customers. "more water, they need more water"! It was a busy shift at the diner...
So we destroyed his brand new drum set, which he would have gotten either for Christmas or his birthday (end of December).
That's my last known memory of "Hingepin Manor".
Searching through newspaper archives for legal notifications related to properties and then translating the "lot/parcel/etc" to a street address revealed... An empty lot. But going back in time on Google Street view showed the house before it was demolished.
I'm hoping that the picture will trigger some new memories, because all of my memories of this place are happy.
My dad brought me with him once when I was 2 years old while he was fixing it up. I have many memories from that day. I woke up on a PCC trolley. It was very weird, the only time I've ever been inside one. Dim round lights in the ceiling, wooden seats, all the grownups (mostly men) dressed very smartly. The ride had a rattly, bumpy quality.
We got off the trolley downtown and it was only then I realized it was a trolley. The steel wheels rattling as it turned the corner, commutator sparking in the dark.
I asked my dad what time it was, and he said it was 9:00! It looked like nighttime and the streetlights were on, but this was normal for downtown Pittsburgh in 1973. We got on a bus and I was disappointed. I really liked the trolley. Apparently I was used to riding buses.
My dad sat me in the kitchen, told me not to go anywhere, and went off to do some work...
The door to the basement was missing, and I got to playing with random stuff, including a couple hinge pins I found near the doorway. There was a gap between the stairs and the wall, so I played "bombardier".
Dad came back later and asked me what happened to the hingepins. I blinked (I had no idea what hingepins were). Where are the hingepins?
"Hingepins" is a hilarious sounding word. I didn't know what it meant, but it sounded funny. I started giggling, then doubled over in gales of laughter, tears streaming down my face. "Where are the hingepins"? "Hinnnngepinnns"!
And the more I laughed and squealed "hingepins", the angrier and more frustrated he got. He went off and came back with another pair of hingepins, but they didn't look like the ones I had dropped.
So he put me in a high chair and gave me some cheerios so I'd stay put. The high chair was *very* high and unstable and I was afraid to move for fear it'd fall over. I sat there quietly and watched Dad work. He did find the pins in the basement and hang the door.
On our way home we stopped in a bar (definitely a bar) and dad got me a slice of pizza to eat. while he talked with his friends. I asked about the pepper flakes and he told me they were hot. I put them on my pizza and sat there in a booster seat on a high backed barstool and munched on my pizza. It was spicy, but I ate it all anyway. Not out of fear of dad being gruff, but because I didn't want to admit that I'd used too much pepper.
-------------------------
I have many "random polaroid" memories in that house. No signs of DV or anything like that. Mom and Dad seemed very happy with each other. We were there from Summer '73 to at least January '74. I know this because I remember my baby sister and I ruined my brother's brand new drum set playing "diner" in the basement. The drum heads were made out of paper and my sister and I had been placing cups of water on them pretending we were serving customers. "more water, they need more water"! It was a busy shift at the diner...
So we destroyed his brand new drum set, which he would have gotten either for Christmas or his birthday (end of December).
That's my last known memory of "Hingepin Manor".
#94
Therapy / Re: Craniosacral Therapy (CST)...
Last post by Blueberry - February 20, 2026, 12:08:05 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on February 19, 2026, 06:19:50 AMWhat I'm taking from this isn't that one modality is "better," but that my nervous system responds best to:
- stillness over intensity
- broad, non-demanding contact
- feeling supported rather than worked on
I'm still learning what helps and what doesn't. But noticing these differences - and allowing myself to keep searching - feels like progress in itself. Sometimes it's the smallest moments of safety that show us what we needed all along.
I found it very moving reading your whole post here and the process you went through.
#95
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - February 20, 2026, 12:00:53 AMThank you Papa Coco 
Thank you Bach. You're welcome to borrow and expand the concept if helpful for you
Thank you Bach. You're welcome to borrow and expand the concept if helpful for you
#96
Successes, Progress? / Re: Putting the brakes on / li...
Last post by Blueberry - February 19, 2026, 11:54:35 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 19, 2026, 06:49:43 PMbut my own FOO forbade us from talking about family unless FOO curated what was said
That was the case in my FOO too especially regarding 'airing the family laundry in public' but the sentences I was coming up with are I think too basic to have caused anything like that. Plus, it doesn't resonate. But it's a useful idea for me to feel into.
I did notice that sounding out the sentences repeatedly, for improving listening skills and pronunciation, seemed to lead to exhaustion (?) in my mouth and throat. I was actually enjoying sounding out while also thinking that's not what I'm so skilled at. :Lightbulb: that felt like a FOO criticism, the sort of thing B1 would have pointed out. I was also told that at school in my first year learning French. I'd changed schools and everybody else had been learning longer. I must have said a sentence or read a sentence in the break and two fellow pupils mentioned in passing that I had an awful accent. A fairly standard remark of the sort I'm sure I've made to people in the past, especially back then, with no malice intended. But nonetheless it made a little jab. Like remarks people including FOO but other pupils at school too made about the quality of my singing.
Quote from: NarcKiddo on February 19, 2026, 06:49:43 PMI do know that Little NK who is probably between 5 and 8 is often satisfied by having a toy to hold and will then be content for me to read on. I think you have used that approach too?
You're right. Good reminder, thanks. Another possibility for me if I can find out which Parts are involved is to put them in their Safe Places before doing anymore duolingo especially pronunciation exercises. Also to interrupt the lesson right away and ask the Part(s) what's up and/or what would help them. That's basically what I do when I'm doing trauma-processing with OT.
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Bach - February 19, 2026, 07:56:08 PMBlueberry, I love your concept of activating yourself. Lately I have been thinking a lot about something like what you are describing, and I haven't had a word for it. I like activation, especially with the idea that it can be a small thing, a low-key thing, does not have to be doing a big project or even completing all the parts of a particular task, and in particular, does not have to be strenuous physical exercise! This is good stuff and I wish you the best with it!
#98
Letters of Recovery / Re: to the ones that raised me...
Last post by asdis - February 19, 2026, 07:55:29 PMM, D-
We're moving this year, twice. First in June, then again sometime between June and November. We won't have our own place anymore but we won't need your help as much. We shouldn't be moving too far, but we really don't know anything about the second move yet. We don't know when to tell you.
We're going to have surgery this year too. A laparoscopy, to look for endometriosis, and a hysterectomy. We don't know when we'll tell you. We don't know when it'll happen. The surgery center called before we woke up this morning, they want to start scheduling appointments and everything. We're not calling them back yet. We don't know what timeline to put this on beyond before the end of the year. We want to come visit the dogs a couple more times before it happens. We'll be down for a minimum of six weeks afterwards and we promised them we'd see them more this year.
We're scared. But we know we can't be too scared. One day, before these things happen, you'll know. You'll need to know about the surgery, we'll need your help paying for it. We're still not telling you yet. We don't want to be talked out of our decisions or talked into alternative ones. We wish we could talk to M about the surgery, maybe we will, but definitely not yet. M won't understand our doctor's urgency or concern until it's her only choice. We wish we could talk to D about moving, about the fact that we still have things at a house we haven't lived in in three years, but you'll just want us to move back in with you two. So we'll wait until it's safer.
We're moving this year, twice. First in June, then again sometime between June and November. We won't have our own place anymore but we won't need your help as much. We shouldn't be moving too far, but we really don't know anything about the second move yet. We don't know when to tell you.
We're going to have surgery this year too. A laparoscopy, to look for endometriosis, and a hysterectomy. We don't know when we'll tell you. We don't know when it'll happen. The surgery center called before we woke up this morning, they want to start scheduling appointments and everything. We're not calling them back yet. We don't know what timeline to put this on beyond before the end of the year. We want to come visit the dogs a couple more times before it happens. We'll be down for a minimum of six weeks afterwards and we promised them we'd see them more this year.
We're scared. But we know we can't be too scared. One day, before these things happen, you'll know. You'll need to know about the surgery, we'll need your help paying for it. We're still not telling you yet. We don't want to be talked out of our decisions or talked into alternative ones. We wish we could talk to M about the surgery, maybe we will, but definitely not yet. M won't understand our doctor's urgency or concern until it's her only choice. We wish we could talk to D about moving, about the fact that we still have things at a house we haven't lived in in three years, but you'll just want us to move back in with you two. So we'll wait until it's safer.
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Papa Coco - February 19, 2026, 07:52:07 PMBB,
Good for you, for focusing on your own stuff today. And good on the dishwasher!!!! You've conquered that monster
Good for you, for focusing on your own stuff today. And good on the dishwasher!!!! You've conquered that monster
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Papa Coco - February 19, 2026, 07:48:13 PMSan,
I agree. It's nice that you are able to let yourself handle just what needs to be done and let the rest slide a day or two. Your D sounds like a real sweetheart to be so concerned about all you're doing for her. I always get a sense that there is a great deal of love between the two of you.
I agree. It's nice that you are able to let yourself handle just what needs to be done and let the rest slide a day or two. Your D sounds like a real sweetheart to be so concerned about all you're doing for her. I always get a sense that there is a great deal of love between the two of you.