Recent posts
#91
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 10:43:58 AMWelcome to the forum. 
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - November 29, 2025, 10:01:38 AMHi Blueberry, I'm glad you understand. And the others, thank you too.
And we shouldn't be comparing, should we, although it's difficult not to sometimes.
Maybe I have been dealing with more in real life but I've not been doing so well underneath either. I'm very good at keeping up appearances, too good for my own good.
I now sent some messages to different people to cut down my activities again, at my Buddhist group, at work, with my friends to make some room for me.
Last week held a few BIG triggers for me:
At work, we're conducting an inspection atm and we had an important meeting for that, somewhere in the middle of the country. This involved driving and I have a bit of a fear of driving. I had already told my colleagues I would not be able to pick any of them up and drive them because that would be too much for me - very good yay. And I had checked the night before and google maps had told me it would be a 45 min drive. And so I allowed for one and a half hour, just to be sure with morning traffic and all. And then I checked again in the morning, and google maps now said it was one and a half hours drive so that completely freaked me out because I thought I would never have enough time to get there and I completely didn't grasp that google maps is allowing for traffic already. So I started driving in the middle of an EF. And then when I got there, I couldn't find the place, more EF, and I told my colleague because I was on the verge of tears (shame). So on with the actual meeting. And then one of the speakers, completely out of the blue, mentioned they had a special database of people with PTSD and 'how to handle them'. That just completely blew me away but I stayed composed. Well, another persona had taken over already of course. I should be in their f***ing database!!! And driving back, I had forgotten my sunglasses and the sun was shining right in my face the whole time, I just barely made it back home.
And another one that was entirely unexpected happened at this new yoga place I had been trying. The room was really nice and the time suited me well (I have to organise around the children's schedules). And the teacher was okay although a little disorganised. The biggest problem so far had been that it was located in an industrial area very well known for its drugs dealing activities etc. and the parking place was underneath the freeway and these places freak me out. And then - trigger - when she started the final relaxation, the teacher went through all the chakras (all right then) and for each chakra she asked a number of questions to reflect on: are you taking enough time to feel this, taking enough space for yourself etc. etc., four questions for every chakra so that's 28 questions and my answers (internally) were NO NO NO. Not very relaxing after all. Blaming myself for not taking better care of myself instead of the yoga being the better care of myself. Not going there again, needless to say.
I'm looking into starting some more therapy with the trauma sensitive yoga person, as she seems to know her stuff.
Big hugs for all of you and me
And we shouldn't be comparing, should we, although it's difficult not to sometimes.
Maybe I have been dealing with more in real life but I've not been doing so well underneath either. I'm very good at keeping up appearances, too good for my own good.
I now sent some messages to different people to cut down my activities again, at my Buddhist group, at work, with my friends to make some room for me.
Last week held a few BIG triggers for me:
At work, we're conducting an inspection atm and we had an important meeting for that, somewhere in the middle of the country. This involved driving and I have a bit of a fear of driving. I had already told my colleagues I would not be able to pick any of them up and drive them because that would be too much for me - very good yay. And I had checked the night before and google maps had told me it would be a 45 min drive. And so I allowed for one and a half hour, just to be sure with morning traffic and all. And then I checked again in the morning, and google maps now said it was one and a half hours drive so that completely freaked me out because I thought I would never have enough time to get there and I completely didn't grasp that google maps is allowing for traffic already. So I started driving in the middle of an EF. And then when I got there, I couldn't find the place, more EF, and I told my colleague because I was on the verge of tears (shame). So on with the actual meeting. And then one of the speakers, completely out of the blue, mentioned they had a special database of people with PTSD and 'how to handle them'. That just completely blew me away but I stayed composed. Well, another persona had taken over already of course. I should be in their f***ing database!!! And driving back, I had forgotten my sunglasses and the sun was shining right in my face the whole time, I just barely made it back home.
And another one that was entirely unexpected happened at this new yoga place I had been trying. The room was really nice and the time suited me well (I have to organise around the children's schedules). And the teacher was okay although a little disorganised. The biggest problem so far had been that it was located in an industrial area very well known for its drugs dealing activities etc. and the parking place was underneath the freeway and these places freak me out. And then - trigger - when she started the final relaxation, the teacher went through all the chakras (all right then) and for each chakra she asked a number of questions to reflect on: are you taking enough time to feel this, taking enough space for yourself etc. etc., four questions for every chakra so that's 28 questions and my answers (internally) were NO NO NO. Not very relaxing after all. Blaming myself for not taking better care of myself instead of the yoga being the better care of myself. Not going there again, needless to say.
I'm looking into starting some more therapy with the trauma sensitive yoga person, as she seems to know her stuff.
Big hugs for all of you and me
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 09:31:14 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on November 29, 2025, 04:00:46 AMYour story truly belongs here, and nothing you wrote is "too small" or invisible. What you lived through: the neglect, the violence, the dissociation, the loneliness - was real, and the weight it left on you is real too. You deserve to be heard and cared about, not used or ignored.
Thank you for saying that. For some reason I keep getting scared that I'll get told that this don't belong as I don't have official dignosis yet and I wouldn't be allowed to participate.
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 29, 2025, 04:00:46 AMYour story truly belongs here, and nothing you wrote is "too small" or invisible. What you lived through: the neglect, the violence, the dissociation, the loneliness - was real, and the weight it left on you is real too. You deserve to be heard and cared about, not used or ignored.
#95
Eating Issues / Re: Why “Morbid Obesity” Still...
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 29, 2025, 03:36:33 AM
#96
Friends / Re: Dropping Everyone Like Fli...
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 29, 2025, 03:34:57 AMHi Blueberry,
I hear so much tenderness and conflict in what you wrote. That push-pull between longing for connection and needing distance is something so many of us with CPTSD know well. It makes complete sense that you're withdrawing - shame, exhaustion, and shutdown aren't choices, they're nervous-system states. And noticing others' unhealthy behavior isn't you being "picky"; it's your trauma history protecting you from more hurt.
Feeling lonely and unable to tolerate certain people is a sign of how hard you've worked to survive. You're not dropping people; you're trying to stay safe in the only ways your system knows how. I'm really glad you shared this. You're not alone with it.
I hear so much tenderness and conflict in what you wrote. That push-pull between longing for connection and needing distance is something so many of us with CPTSD know well. It makes complete sense that you're withdrawing - shame, exhaustion, and shutdown aren't choices, they're nervous-system states. And noticing others' unhealthy behavior isn't you being "picky"; it's your trauma history protecting you from more hurt.
Feeling lonely and unable to tolerate certain people is a sign of how hard you've worked to survive. You're not dropping people; you're trying to stay safe in the only ways your system knows how. I'm really glad you shared this. You're not alone with it.
#97
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 29, 2025, 03:14:35 AMHi and welcome. 
I'm really glad you found your way here, and I'm so sorry for how much you've had to carry on your own.
You're not alone here anymore. Many of us know what it's like to feel unheard for years and to finally discover the framework of CPTSD much later than we should have. I'm glad you have a therapist now who sees the trauma underneath everything. I hope being in this community gives you a small sense of connection.
I'm really glad you found your way here, and I'm so sorry for how much you've had to carry on your own.
You're not alone here anymore. Many of us know what it's like to feel unheard for years and to finally discover the framework of CPTSD much later than we should have. I'm glad you have a therapist now who sees the trauma underneath everything. I hope being in this community gives you a small sense of connection.
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 12:59:00 AMPlease take care, when reading. I mention suicide and sexual abuse. Nothing hopefully graphic, just mentioning things.
There are things I do feel sorry about and think I could have handled these situations differently, but it's really hard, if no one hears you. It's like you're being invisible the same way you've always been and there is absolutely no one who cares about your side of things. You give others everything, yet don't get the same care back. It's like you don't exist. Might as well unalive as feeling worthless enough. Just someone to be used for others benefit. No one valued me for who I was and these patterns just keep repeating.
The only time where I actually felt like someone showed concern towards me was when I ended up having to talk to a self helpline person to report being worried about someone else's suicidality.
For me the events that caused CPTSD were childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse and violence (alcohol consumption).
They affect me more than I want to admit due to these events feeling like less than what other people go through. It's why I react very strongly to different things and these reactions are beyond something I can control. I saw nightmares all the time and dissassociated since I was 5 years old up to 30 years old, when my identity crisis started. I was also frail due to poor health, because of genetics and spent alot of time in hospital, withouth my parents present. I think I have a memory block due to this about it, but I'm not there yet, where I can unravel it.
Some things feel like an imprint you carry around all the time. It's heavy, heavier than a thousand bricks on your shoulders. It tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity.
There are things I do feel sorry about and think I could have handled these situations differently, but it's really hard, if no one hears you. It's like you're being invisible the same way you've always been and there is absolutely no one who cares about your side of things. You give others everything, yet don't get the same care back. It's like you don't exist. Might as well unalive as feeling worthless enough. Just someone to be used for others benefit. No one valued me for who I was and these patterns just keep repeating.
The only time where I actually felt like someone showed concern towards me was when I ended up having to talk to a self helpline person to report being worried about someone else's suicidality.
For me the events that caused CPTSD were childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse and violence (alcohol consumption).
They affect me more than I want to admit due to these events feeling like less than what other people go through. It's why I react very strongly to different things and these reactions are beyond something I can control. I saw nightmares all the time and dissassociated since I was 5 years old up to 30 years old, when my identity crisis started. I was also frail due to poor health, because of genetics and spent alot of time in hospital, withouth my parents present. I think I have a memory block due to this about it, but I'm not there yet, where I can unravel it.
Some things feel like an imprint you carry around all the time. It's heavy, heavier than a thousand bricks on your shoulders. It tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity.
#99
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member Intro
Last post by SelfReflectionPhobic - November 28, 2025, 11:46:56 PMThank you for the welcome Big Blue.
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Blueberry - November 28, 2025, 10:43:17 PMQuote from: Desert Flower on November 27, 2025, 08:08:47 AMI really just wanna hybernate.I really get this, DF!
to you. On the surface you seem to be dealing with more IRL than I am too. Tho I know that comparing isn't specially helpful, especially not towards myself in this instance. In fact, I have been doing a lot of hibernation recently.