Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 28, 2026, 05:01:58 PMThere were only two traumatic stretches during that 15 month blackout period.
The neglect/ imprisonment phase at the hands of my mother (approx. 5 months) and the physical/verbal abuse phase at the hands of Miss Pat (approx. 7 months). The intervening time was not stressful or abusive in any way.
I now have a clear recollection of the abuse I had suffered. I remember enough to know what it was like. I can deal with it.
I now understand why my time in McIntyre (It was indeed McIntyre) was so traumatic and I have discovered a new trigger; Closed doors.
The neglect/ imprisonment phase at the hands of my mother (approx. 5 months) and the physical/verbal abuse phase at the hands of Miss Pat (approx. 7 months). The intervening time was not stressful or abusive in any way.
I now have a clear recollection of the abuse I had suffered. I remember enough to know what it was like. I can deal with it.
I now understand why my time in McIntyre (It was indeed McIntyre) was so traumatic and I have discovered a new trigger; Closed doors.
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Chart - February 28, 2026, 02:44:59 PMThe dark night of the soul is just that... the descriptive absence of any spark of luminosity doesn't come even close. Just before falling into the pit I called out how once I'd been blind...
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 28, 2026, 02:41:29 PMfeeling pretty ok this morning. i'm just gonna ride this wave and enjoy it. gives me a chance to write, read, play games, sit back and relax. i'll take it.
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 28, 2026, 02:39:58 PMwell, that's 3 soggy humans, hannah1 (thanks for the visual, TBB). i think we do the best we can at any given moment. yeah, age does change some things - physically and emotionally. physically, well, how do i count the ways? emotionally - we've seen so much more now than 20 yrs. ago, we've experienced more, we've tried more, we've fallen more, we've gotten ourselves back up more - for better or worse, we're on the treadmill of life.
as i've heard many times here on the forum, this, too, shall pass. as we go thru it, it often seems like it really won't, but i've discovered it always does. just get thru it as best you can. sending you a warm blanket filled with healing color to help absorb some of the worst of it. the fact that you are still mothering, still being there for your kids says a lot. don't ever count that out, ok? it's huge. and it's doing a lot. love and hugs
as i've heard many times here on the forum, this, too, shall pass. as we go thru it, it often seems like it really won't, but i've discovered it always does. just get thru it as best you can. sending you a warm blanket filled with healing color to help absorb some of the worst of it. the fact that you are still mothering, still being there for your kids says a lot. don't ever count that out, ok? it's huge. and it's doing a lot. love and hugs
#95
Family / Re: Left out
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 28, 2026, 12:44:28 PMMy guess would be that your mother has decided her policy of sending cards has not worked in her favour and is now using silence to see if that makes a difference. Especially since the suggestion from your cousin's wife that you reach out to her - which your mother might have had something to do with, maybe. Or it could be because her brother encouraged her, as you have suggested. I hope her change of behaviour is not too bothersome for you.
I'm glad the funeral and wake went OK.
I'm glad the funeral and wake went OK.
#96
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 28, 2026, 12:36:08 PMI am very grateful to people who are prepared to take part in such studies. Thank you.
I'm glad you have been able to reduce your neuroleptic dosage.
I'm glad you have been able to reduce your neuroleptic dosage.
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 28, 2026, 12:33:36 PM My memories from the locked down period have been releasing over the past couple days. Yes, I definitely had a speech impediment at LawnVue and yes, I can handle the memories.
I will need some DBR and talking it out, but it's not overwhelming.
My first remembered experience at LawnVue was when I was sitting in my crib (low set, kinda cheap Ikea faux ash), trying to explain to my caregiver that I did not need a diaper because I was already potty trained. I genuinely had difficulty speaking properly and much of it came out as "babble".
She was very kind and attentive and put in real effort to understand me.
She showed me where the bathroom was and I demonstrated that I knew how to use it unsupervised.
Later, I was able to communicate that I didn't like having the rails on my crib up and she left it down for me. I could crawl out of my crib at night and go to the potty without assistance, but I needed assistance to get back in my crib. I never wet my bed or fell out.
Thankfully there was no door to my wing. I think they understood that many of the kids coming to them had a negative reaction to closed doors.
I also have a couple of memories of my dad's place in Avalon. I was not transported directly to Marchand St. from foster care, for a couple of months I lived in another place. Enormous double storefront under renovation. We slept upstairs and the main living area was the left storefront. The right was under renovation. Dusty, full of floorboards and nails behind a door with frosted glass windows.
I did not remember my brother when we were reintroduced. He showed me where everything was. He had an enormous area in the left- hand storefront area with toys and a big wheel.
My dad was there and also another woman I called "Miss Robin". I must research her. Mom and Miss Robin were usually in the back of the left storefront. Immense kitchen area.
My mom took me and my brother to Marchand St. to live with my grandmother and that's where my "normal" memory (such as it is) resumed.
I also remember leaving there with my dad one morning. Just the two of us. I don't remember where we were going.
I will need some DBR and talking it out, but it's not overwhelming.
My first remembered experience at LawnVue was when I was sitting in my crib (low set, kinda cheap Ikea faux ash), trying to explain to my caregiver that I did not need a diaper because I was already potty trained. I genuinely had difficulty speaking properly and much of it came out as "babble".
She was very kind and attentive and put in real effort to understand me.
She showed me where the bathroom was and I demonstrated that I knew how to use it unsupervised.
Later, I was able to communicate that I didn't like having the rails on my crib up and she left it down for me. I could crawl out of my crib at night and go to the potty without assistance, but I needed assistance to get back in my crib. I never wet my bed or fell out.
Thankfully there was no door to my wing. I think they understood that many of the kids coming to them had a negative reaction to closed doors.
I also have a couple of memories of my dad's place in Avalon. I was not transported directly to Marchand St. from foster care, for a couple of months I lived in another place. Enormous double storefront under renovation. We slept upstairs and the main living area was the left storefront. The right was under renovation. Dusty, full of floorboards and nails behind a door with frosted glass windows.
I did not remember my brother when we were reintroduced. He showed me where everything was. He had an enormous area in the left- hand storefront area with toys and a big wheel.
My dad was there and also another woman I called "Miss Robin". I must research her. Mom and Miss Robin were usually in the back of the left storefront. Immense kitchen area.
My mom took me and my brother to Marchand St. to live with my grandmother and that's where my "normal" memory (such as it is) resumed.
I also remember leaving there with my dad one morning. Just the two of us. I don't remember where we were going.
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 28, 2026, 11:31:49 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on February 26, 2026, 01:35:52 PMReading this, I want to share something from my own history - not to compare or interpret, just to put it alongside.I understand. No explanation necessary.
Best,
-Slashy
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 28, 2026, 11:14:53 AMTrigger warning.
My baby sister just had her first flashback last night. I was relating to her the environmental details of our shared captivity from my perspective. The color of the walls in my room, items, the layout of the kitchenette and bathroom, etc.
That's when it happened. She became distressed and started blurting out additional details from her perspective. She suddenly remembered it. "Oh God, no!"
It mirrored her experience of inadvertently triggering *my* first flashback 3 years ago.
Her trauma during that period was similar to my own. Better in some ways, worse in others.
It affected me deeply enough to cause complete dissociative withdrawal and speech regression. She was already deaf, so it's difficult to judge the impact on her.
The effect on my older brother was the worst. He hadn't fully dissociated like we had. He carried the scars of those experiences with him throughout childhood. We went to kinder environments, he bounced around in the system with learning, anger, and behavioral problems.
He remembered all of it the entire time, and that's what ultimately broke him.
My baby sister just had her first flashback last night. I was relating to her the environmental details of our shared captivity from my perspective. The color of the walls in my room, items, the layout of the kitchenette and bathroom, etc.
That's when it happened. She became distressed and started blurting out additional details from her perspective. She suddenly remembered it. "Oh God, no!"
It mirrored her experience of inadvertently triggering *my* first flashback 3 years ago.
Her trauma during that period was similar to my own. Better in some ways, worse in others.
It affected me deeply enough to cause complete dissociative withdrawal and speech regression. She was already deaf, so it's difficult to judge the impact on her.
The effect on my older brother was the worst. He hadn't fully dissociated like we had. He carried the scars of those experiences with him throughout childhood. We went to kinder environments, he bounced around in the system with learning, anger, and behavioral problems.
He remembered all of it the entire time, and that's what ultimately broke him.
#100
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by Teddy bear - February 27, 2026, 08:57:55 PMHi Seeking to Survive 👋
Welcome here 🤝
I'm a fairly new member too, so I had some similar feelings at first—but I quickly found my way around the forum by using the search function for topics that are most relevant to me at the moment (or in general).
Hope you like it here
Welcome here 🤝
I'm a fairly new member too, so I had some similar feelings at first—but I quickly found my way around the forum by using the search function for topics that are most relevant to me at the moment (or in general).
Hope you like it here