Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 23, 2026, 02:35:19 PMblueberry, different days, different needs, indeed! so glad you followed where you needed to go instead of where you thought was right. sometimes our minds can fool us, for sure, but there's something else, gut? sense? a knowing? that also speaks to us, and to my mind it takes a special something to be able to change course and follow it instead. well done! love and hugs
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 23, 2026, 02:30:58 PMhannah1, it sounds as if you are truly making progress, recognizing roles, how they impacted your 'self', finding your 'self' in spite of the roles you were pushed into, and coming to the realization that this wasn't your fault, isn't your fault, isn't the soul of you. great work! love and hugs 
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by dollyvee - February 23, 2026, 12:55:48 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 23, 2026, 12:07:42 PMQuote from: dollyvee on February 23, 2026, 12:01:29 PMNK, I'd be interested in commenting on this as a couple of interesting things have come up while reading Mother Hunger, but I'm getting the error that the post is missing or off limits to me.
It's a pinned to the top (I think) thread in the Co-Morbidities / Memory and Cognitive Issues section of the forum about memory and trauma. At any rate it should be easy enough to spot as there is quite a bit of recent activity on there now. Hopefully that gives you enough info to find it.
Thanks Nk and sorry to take up your journal Slashy! Funnily enough the sub section memory and cognitive issues doesn't show up for me, but Kizzie mentioned it might be a cache issue as I've had it elsewhere.
#94
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 23, 2026, 12:45:24 PMTheBigBlue,
Yeah, that all seems to check out. While my personal autobiographical memories are a box full of random puzzle pieces from different puzzles (with some deliberately locked away), it never impacted my intellectual pursuits or ability to maintain and access an encyclopedic memory of scientific, technical, or historic facts. That stuff is all neatly organized on the shelves and cross- referenced in the card catalog.
Best,
-Slashy
Yeah, that all seems to check out. While my personal autobiographical memories are a box full of random puzzle pieces from different puzzles (with some deliberately locked away), it never impacted my intellectual pursuits or ability to maintain and access an encyclopedic memory of scientific, technical, or historic facts. That stuff is all neatly organized on the shelves and cross- referenced in the card catalog.
Best,
-Slashy
#95
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 23, 2026, 12:07:42 PMQuote from: dollyvee on February 23, 2026, 12:01:29 PMNK, I'd be interested in commenting on this as a couple of interesting things have come up while reading Mother Hunger, but I'm getting the error that the post is missing or off limits to me.
It's a pinned to the top (I think) thread in the Co-Morbidities / Memory and Cognitive Issues section of the forum about memory and trauma. At any rate it should be easy enough to spot as there is quite a bit of recent activity on there now. Hopefully that gives you enough info to find it.
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by dollyvee - February 23, 2026, 12:01:29 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 22, 2026, 06:19:57 PMhttps://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10108.0;topicseen
I've added a few comments to this thread on how trauma affects memory
NK, I'd be interested in commenting on this as a couple of interesting things have come up while reading Mother Hunger, but I'm getting the error that the post is missing or off limits to me.
Slashy/John, I don't want to write in your journal when you're already anxious by what's going on. So, will save for another time.
#97
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 23, 2026, 12:01:11 PMMy dissociation is very much "I'm not all here" as opposed to being taken over completely by a different part, which I understand can happen in people with DID. Fro me the left brain/right brain split makes sense in connection with my dissociation. My left brain continues with the functional activities of resembling a normal and capable human adult. I am able to respond apparently normally and appropriately - but can barely remember afterwards what was going on. The one time I actively know I dissociated during a therapy session is a case in point. I felt the dissociation starting and told my T. We did what we thought was enough to bring adult NK fully back, but it didn't happen. My T kept checking in that I was fully present and I lied convincingly. What I remember of the session was the experience of being there but not there, but I instantly and completely forgot the content when I went to write it up immediately after the session. It is possible T may have noticed more if our sessions were in person rather than Zoom, but I kind of doubt it.
Like Hannah I have a very good short term academic memory and was quite easily able to retain enough knowledge to pass exams at a decent grade, only to forget it all afterwards. Although that is actually not quite fair because I now find myself remembering quite a lot of random information from my schooldays that has been firmly buried for years. I think I dissociated through most of my time at boarding school so whatever memories were being formed were locked down, whether academic or not, I suppose. My academic progress stalled noticeably when the subjects I took stopped being "learn the right answer and you will pass" to "what do you think about this? or How would you apply the knowledge to this situation?"
I actually kind of like situations where I can dissociate more fully without having to appear functional. Which probably sounds weird. But I had to have some MRI scans a while back. The first one was difficult because I dissociated to get through it. However they had put headphones on me with a radio station and I found it bothersome because of the voice of the announcer cutting in periodically. I dissociated more to get rid of the voice and then found myself totally ignoring instructions from the MRI operator, who was getting a bit stressed by my lack of response. The next time I refused any music or radio, which meant I could just float around in dissociation knowing that any voice I heard would require a response. It was much easier and actually quite relaxing.
Like Hannah I have a very good short term academic memory and was quite easily able to retain enough knowledge to pass exams at a decent grade, only to forget it all afterwards. Although that is actually not quite fair because I now find myself remembering quite a lot of random information from my schooldays that has been firmly buried for years. I think I dissociated through most of my time at boarding school so whatever memories were being formed were locked down, whether academic or not, I suppose. My academic progress stalled noticeably when the subjects I took stopped being "learn the right answer and you will pass" to "what do you think about this? or How would you apply the knowledge to this situation?"
I actually kind of like situations where I can dissociate more fully without having to appear functional. Which probably sounds weird. But I had to have some MRI scans a while back. The first one was difficult because I dissociated to get through it. However they had put headphones on me with a radio station and I found it bothersome because of the voice of the announcer cutting in periodically. I dissociated more to get rid of the voice and then found myself totally ignoring instructions from the MRI operator, who was getting a bit stressed by my lack of response. The next time I refused any music or radio, which meant I could just float around in dissociation knowing that any voice I heard would require a response. It was much easier and actually quite relaxing.
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by dollyvee - February 23, 2026, 09:47:26 AMQuote from: GoSlash27 on February 22, 2026, 03:41:28 PMIt was really upsetting me to consider the notion that my early memories might not be real, but I've corroborated too many of them.
Now that I better understand the mechanism and see that other sufferers of dissociative amnesia have reported a similar experience, I feel better about the whole thing.
I think I understand what's going on a bit better now.
I'm sorry that having this stuff come up causes anxiety. I'm guessing that was the part that you were hoping to "fix" by recovering everything. I used to think my t was saying a canned response, or didn't really believe it, when she would tell me that it's really hard to do this work, and commend me for trying. It is really hard to grapple with these things, and I hope you can give yourself some space to process what's coming up.
Sending you support,
dolly
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 23, 2026, 09:24:19 AMHannah, thank you so much for this reply - it really moved me. What you wrote about that new sense of objectivity stood out to me too. That shift from "this is me, something is wrong with me" to "this is a situation some people grew up in" feels profound - and also strangely destabilizing at first. I remember that mix of relief and distance, like finally being able to see the landscape, but not yet knowing where I am in it.
I also really recognize what you said about compassion seeping outward first and then, slowly, back toward yourself. That is still a work in progress for me; it feels easier to have clarity and respect for others than for myself. Letting that turn inward - I think - comes from repeated moments of recognition like this one.
That question you ended with - how to let life today be about you, coming from inside rather than from roles - feels so central. When so much of growing up wasn't about us at all, it makes sense that even having space can feel foreign rather than freeing. I don't have answers either, but I really appreciate you naming the question. I'm glad we can sit with it together here.
Thank you for sharing so openly. I appreciate you and your reflection very much. 💛
I also really recognize what you said about compassion seeping outward first and then, slowly, back toward yourself. That is still a work in progress for me; it feels easier to have clarity and respect for others than for myself. Letting that turn inward - I think - comes from repeated moments of recognition like this one.
That question you ended with - how to let life today be about you, coming from inside rather than from roles - feels so central. When so much of growing up wasn't about us at all, it makes sense that even having space can feel foreign rather than freeing. I don't have answers either, but I really appreciate you naming the question. I'm glad we can sit with it together here.
Thank you for sharing so openly. I appreciate you and your reflection very much. 💛
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 23, 2026, 08:38:06 AMGS27, I really resonate with parts of what you're saying, even though my own path has unfolded a bit differently.
For the past 11 months I've also been intensely exploring my history - largely alone, since my FOO doesn't know about my diagnosis or my struggles. For me, there was real relief at certain milestones: a narrative that finally made sense starting very early (even in the womb), and later the difficult realization that the "loving" parent likely hurt me more than the overtly narcissistic one - through parentification, horizontal enmeshment, causing self-erasure. That reframing mattered a lot.
I also recognize something you describe very clearly: the role of being the historian. In my case, no one in my family is asking for that history - but I can feel how different (and heavier) it is when someone else depends on you to reconstruct it. Carrying not only your own continuity, but also helping your sister fill in gaps that no one else can fill, adds an ethical weight to the task. That makes the drive to keep going feel like responsibility.
At the same time, I've had a couple of moments where something shifted in my journey. One was when I stopped counting individual Big-T events (in addition to the 1000 little cuts). I had reached 28, and it became clear that counting them wasn't actually adding understanding. What mattered more was recognizing that my upbringing left me fundamentally unprotected - and that the accumulation and pattern shaped my adaptations far more than any single event.
Another was de-idealizing my mother. Once that clicked, new memories did come up - but interestingly, they didn't carry the same weight. They didn't feel like "missing pieces" anymore. They fit into a pattern I already understood, rather than changing the picture.
So for me, the work has gradually shifted from finding more to seeing the structure: how those early conditions shaped my nervous system, my coping strategies, my sense of responsibility, and the life I built. I don't know yet whether I'm "done" with reconstructing - I suspect I'm not - but I've noticed that coherence sometimes comes less from adding details and more from understanding impact and adaptation.
I wanted to share that as another angle - not to contradict your approach, but to stand alongside it. I recognize the drive to restore continuity and authorship. I've just found that at certain points, the task subtly changes - from filling gaps to understanding what the whole system did to survive.
(if that's ok)
For the past 11 months I've also been intensely exploring my history - largely alone, since my FOO doesn't know about my diagnosis or my struggles. For me, there was real relief at certain milestones: a narrative that finally made sense starting very early (even in the womb), and later the difficult realization that the "loving" parent likely hurt me more than the overtly narcissistic one - through parentification, horizontal enmeshment, causing self-erasure. That reframing mattered a lot.
I also recognize something you describe very clearly: the role of being the historian. In my case, no one in my family is asking for that history - but I can feel how different (and heavier) it is when someone else depends on you to reconstruct it. Carrying not only your own continuity, but also helping your sister fill in gaps that no one else can fill, adds an ethical weight to the task. That makes the drive to keep going feel like responsibility.
At the same time, I've had a couple of moments where something shifted in my journey. One was when I stopped counting individual Big-T events (in addition to the 1000 little cuts). I had reached 28, and it became clear that counting them wasn't actually adding understanding. What mattered more was recognizing that my upbringing left me fundamentally unprotected - and that the accumulation and pattern shaped my adaptations far more than any single event.
Another was de-idealizing my mother. Once that clicked, new memories did come up - but interestingly, they didn't carry the same weight. They didn't feel like "missing pieces" anymore. They fit into a pattern I already understood, rather than changing the picture.
So for me, the work has gradually shifted from finding more to seeing the structure: how those early conditions shaped my nervous system, my coping strategies, my sense of responsibility, and the life I built. I don't know yet whether I'm "done" with reconstructing - I suspect I'm not - but I've noticed that coherence sometimes comes less from adding details and more from understanding impact and adaptation.
I wanted to share that as another angle - not to contradict your approach, but to stand alongside it. I recognize the drive to restore continuity and authorship. I've just found that at certain points, the task subtly changes - from filling gaps to understanding what the whole system did to survive.
(if that's ok)