Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Desert Flower - December 01, 2025, 01:31:15 PMQuote from: Bach on December 01, 2025, 02:49:15 AMI used to cry too easily and now I cannot cry at all. I think it would help if I could cry.
Me too, Bach. Right there with you.
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - December 01, 2025, 01:29:35 PMThank you Chart, for rambling in my journal, which is actually validation. It's helping me feel better.
I was just thinking, apart from this forum, do I know anyone IRL who can really understand how this feels, and the answer is no. So that is what this forum is to me, validation.
I was just thinking, apart from this forum, do I know anyone IRL who can really understand how this feels, and the answer is no. So that is what this forum is to me, validation.
#93
SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: How twisted is this?
Last post by Chart - December 01, 2025, 01:25:57 PMHey, gcj07a, I was obsessed with the Lord of the Rings when I was young. I would read it non-stop, finishing the last line of the third book and then picking up the first one to read it again. It was my escape for about ten years. I've read the books at least a hundred times 
For me it was the struggle of "little people" of which I identified immensely. Being given a horrible horrible burden that is not yours (the Ring)... for me that is the quintessence of Trauma, and metaphorically very similar to what I experienced as an infant.
In a very literal sense, I do not believe your avoidance behavior is "twisted". No doubt you are absolutely correct in judging it this way. But as we know very well now, there is another element that supersedes and modifies this evaluation: Survival. You describe it yourself with your siblings, it's a question of survival, the one who gets "selected" is in extreme danger of death. This is the horror of Trauma: the very thing we need most, attention/love, becomes the very thing that is most threatening to our survival. This neuronal pattern is catastrophic. Children need, deserve and crave Love. That that natural need should be twisted into meaning danger and destruction is the ultimate tragedy of Trauma. But understanding what it is and why, and where it comes from is the beginning of reversing it's impact. Fighting trauma is the hardest thing that we know. We are literally fighting our own neuronal wiring that is in place to keep us safe. And now we have to struggle counter to those signals telling us that we are going to die. There is nothing more difficult for a human to endure (imo).
But now we know it, now we can begin the small steps to changing it. For me, personally, it serves little purpose anymore that I judge myself. This has not really helped me in the past, aside from becoming a beacon as to something that I needed to examine something more closely. I am lazy, haven't showered in over a week, engage in dissociative behavior, etc etc. All it tells me now is that I have Cptsd. And since I know that already, I can work to breaking down what these behaviors in me are actually trying to accomplish. They are STILL trying to keep me safe. That known, I can slowly start making little changes to work counter to my early developmental childhood neuronal programming. It's slow as frozen molasses, but in two years work I have seen solid progress. I still re-lapse (and often) but the inexorable forward progress continues. Every day the unhealthy connections get slightly weaker, and the joy and energy connections get "slightly" stronger. I do not see it as a Herculean task, I see it as an extreme and profound understanding of Patience and growth that seems imperceptible. I've lately become obsessed with Sherlock Holmes stories, especially the original ones of Doyle. I notice "the details" more and more. They fascinate me and I stay with them and let them mull about my brain. Then I take a nap, and observe the guilt I'm feeling, but do it anyway. :-) Sorry, I've just rambled myself near to oblivion!
Sending love and support, chart
For me it was the struggle of "little people" of which I identified immensely. Being given a horrible horrible burden that is not yours (the Ring)... for me that is the quintessence of Trauma, and metaphorically very similar to what I experienced as an infant. In a very literal sense, I do not believe your avoidance behavior is "twisted". No doubt you are absolutely correct in judging it this way. But as we know very well now, there is another element that supersedes and modifies this evaluation: Survival. You describe it yourself with your siblings, it's a question of survival, the one who gets "selected" is in extreme danger of death. This is the horror of Trauma: the very thing we need most, attention/love, becomes the very thing that is most threatening to our survival. This neuronal pattern is catastrophic. Children need, deserve and crave Love. That that natural need should be twisted into meaning danger and destruction is the ultimate tragedy of Trauma. But understanding what it is and why, and where it comes from is the beginning of reversing it's impact. Fighting trauma is the hardest thing that we know. We are literally fighting our own neuronal wiring that is in place to keep us safe. And now we have to struggle counter to those signals telling us that we are going to die. There is nothing more difficult for a human to endure (imo).
But now we know it, now we can begin the small steps to changing it. For me, personally, it serves little purpose anymore that I judge myself. This has not really helped me in the past, aside from becoming a beacon as to something that I needed to examine something more closely. I am lazy, haven't showered in over a week, engage in dissociative behavior, etc etc. All it tells me now is that I have Cptsd. And since I know that already, I can work to breaking down what these behaviors in me are actually trying to accomplish. They are STILL trying to keep me safe. That known, I can slowly start making little changes to work counter to my early developmental childhood neuronal programming. It's slow as frozen molasses, but in two years work I have seen solid progress. I still re-lapse (and often) but the inexorable forward progress continues. Every day the unhealthy connections get slightly weaker, and the joy and energy connections get "slightly" stronger. I do not see it as a Herculean task, I see it as an extreme and profound understanding of Patience and growth that seems imperceptible. I've lately become obsessed with Sherlock Holmes stories, especially the original ones of Doyle. I notice "the details" more and more. They fascinate me and I stay with them and let them mull about my brain. Then I take a nap, and observe the guilt I'm feeling, but do it anyway. :-) Sorry, I've just rambled myself near to oblivion!
Sending love and support, chart
#94
SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: How twisted is this?
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 01, 2025, 01:24:26 PMThat resonates. 
#96
Successes, Progress? / Re: Setting boundaries
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 01, 2025, 01:22:18 PMSaying "no" gets easier with time. Especially as you start to realise the sky will not fall in when you say it, even if the other party does kick off. In my experience the other person starts to get a bit more careful with their demands once they know you are capable of saying "no" and meaning it, but there can be a period of adjustment first where you need to stand firm. You may even choose to soften a "no" in future, but then the decision will be yours, and not a conditioned behaviour. The first few straight-out "no"s are really tough and you were brave. Well done.
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - December 01, 2025, 12:59:47 PMYou're not alone, Ran. Thank you for sharing your story.
#98
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: What is Joy?
Last post by Chart - December 01, 2025, 12:54:50 PMI agree with NarcKiddo, I think the word joy means different things to different people. This is actually something that deeply annoys me, when people don't get the complexity of the language and words they are using. (Not this topic, I mean, what annoys me is in every day life when people throw words around without really thinking about what they mean and could imply.) I think the definition of joy would be quantitatively different for the Dali Llama as to a drug dealer in a favela in Brazil (but maybe not, actually).
But where joy might be contextual, depression is much more commonly agreed upon (is this due to the frequency of the latter and the rarity of the former?)
I'm sorry to hear your are struggling with depression, gcj07a. I experience mild to severe depression pretty much every morning, which can last from a couple hours to over a week. Things have been better since I discovered Cptsd and began working on my own inner health. The word Joy is perhaps more complex than we realize.
Imagine a child falls on the sidewalk and begins crying in pain. I watch as his parent comes to him and picks him up and hugs him and soothes him with their voice. I watch this from a distance, a stranger on the street. But this circumstance actually brings me joy (this sort of thing happens to me all the time). I am out in the world and see things happening and I feel inside my being that it is good and just and loving. Being witness to the workings of the Universe on this level definitely bring me joy. Saturday last I got out into the town and ran into a group of Brazillian-style drummers performing in the streets. I stayed with them for twenty minutes and was so touched and joyful that I began crying.
For me anyway, joy is found in the little things, the small occurences and events of existence as I witness them around me. The stillness of the forest can descend upon me like a waterfall, and the sun through the branches awaken an intense pleasure... Is that joy? In the end, maybe, it's I who determines what is joy or not... And if I determine it, then I can also encourage the Universe to send me more. As I start to see it I can (and have) realize that it's there all around me all the time. I see horror too. But then I can choose how far I need "go" into one or the other. It's not always a choice, most of the time not at all. My depression is not something I (yet) have much control over. But I get hints... relatively often, that I am not just a useless extra in this drama of existence. And then I run into people who feel similarly and we can relate... and boy o boy that feels good.
No, no, it's an EXCELLENT question (in my opinion :-)
And your question has brought me some joy reflecting on it. So thank you, gcj07a,from the bottom of my heart.
I am sending you some of the joy you have given me right back to you. Joy is, after all, ten times more potent when shared, thank you.
But where joy might be contextual, depression is much more commonly agreed upon (is this due to the frequency of the latter and the rarity of the former?)
I'm sorry to hear your are struggling with depression, gcj07a. I experience mild to severe depression pretty much every morning, which can last from a couple hours to over a week. Things have been better since I discovered Cptsd and began working on my own inner health. The word Joy is perhaps more complex than we realize.
Imagine a child falls on the sidewalk and begins crying in pain. I watch as his parent comes to him and picks him up and hugs him and soothes him with their voice. I watch this from a distance, a stranger on the street. But this circumstance actually brings me joy (this sort of thing happens to me all the time). I am out in the world and see things happening and I feel inside my being that it is good and just and loving. Being witness to the workings of the Universe on this level definitely bring me joy. Saturday last I got out into the town and ran into a group of Brazillian-style drummers performing in the streets. I stayed with them for twenty minutes and was so touched and joyful that I began crying.
For me anyway, joy is found in the little things, the small occurences and events of existence as I witness them around me. The stillness of the forest can descend upon me like a waterfall, and the sun through the branches awaken an intense pleasure... Is that joy? In the end, maybe, it's I who determines what is joy or not... And if I determine it, then I can also encourage the Universe to send me more. As I start to see it I can (and have) realize that it's there all around me all the time. I see horror too. But then I can choose how far I need "go" into one or the other. It's not always a choice, most of the time not at all. My depression is not something I (yet) have much control over. But I get hints... relatively often, that I am not just a useless extra in this drama of existence. And then I run into people who feel similarly and we can relate... and boy o boy that feels good.
No, no, it's an EXCELLENT question (in my opinion :-)
And your question has brought me some joy reflecting on it. So thank you, gcj07a,from the bottom of my heart.
I am sending you some of the joy you have given me right back to you. Joy is, after all, ten times more potent when shared, thank you.
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 01, 2025, 12:40:50 PMI really appreciate everyone who have replied to me. All of this is very valuable for me, so thank you so much everyone.
#100