Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 06, 2026, 09:13:45 PMThank you HannahOne, Marcine, Armee...
And so I let them roll now. I've searched my entire life for these memories. I've begged god for them as only an unbeliever can beg a usesless god of whom he's never bought into. I revel in the stories that now float into my left brain... and boy are they coming. Not in mass, but more the subtle waftings of piano heard through an open window. But my ear is trained and I listen and pick up on it straight. I remember what was said, and more importantly, what was not said. I remember his tone of voice, and now understand why certain men have terrified me all my life, why I've never liked the actor Jack Nicholson, why ignorance coupled with insensitivity brings forth often severe anger.
But I need to say something else. The understanding I have found in the past two years has cost me a great deal. I am EXTREMELY low energy. I have a hernia now. I can no longer tolerate many many foods. Sugar plunges me into depression. My body hurts. I no longer have full strength in either of my arms and am currently in a bad way because I threw tiles up on a roof for two days. My wrists are currently out of service.
Realizing the extent of my trauma has been incredibly debilitating. I'm managing to work, but it is just the minimum possible. And I do very little else besides work, take care of my kids, and do my nervous system exercises, emdr and write on the Forum. (Is that in order of priority? maybe...)
And now I'm pooped :-) And one more thing... Every single time I write on the Forum, I feel a little voice in me that tells me I'm wrong, bad, egotistical and selfish. It's incredible. It's there every time. I overcome it, but it's still there.
Healing is the path, not the goal...
I deeply truly madly love you all.
Quote from: Armee on January 05, 2026, 02:37:46 AMI'm in awe of your ability to cry and feel, Chart!I have always felt... Only recently have I begun to cry. But I find the word "cry" inappropriate. I don't believe that's what I'm actually doing. For all appearances it's crying, but I'm slowly slipping towards an understanding that the tears are not only water, they are truth-understanding coming and settling into their rightful place. I am a (mostly) Pre-verbal Trauma survivor. There are no personal memories. I have stories and the amazingly off-cuff memories of my mother... I also have an older sister (who probably went a long way to dramatically minimizing my trauma, but she couldn't be the parent I actually needed, and she was as terrorized by him as I was). No, tears are the lenses through which I see more and more clearly what actually happened.
And so I let them roll now. I've searched my entire life for these memories. I've begged god for them as only an unbeliever can beg a usesless god of whom he's never bought into. I revel in the stories that now float into my left brain... and boy are they coming. Not in mass, but more the subtle waftings of piano heard through an open window. But my ear is trained and I listen and pick up on it straight. I remember what was said, and more importantly, what was not said. I remember his tone of voice, and now understand why certain men have terrified me all my life, why I've never liked the actor Jack Nicholson, why ignorance coupled with insensitivity brings forth often severe anger.
But I need to say something else. The understanding I have found in the past two years has cost me a great deal. I am EXTREMELY low energy. I have a hernia now. I can no longer tolerate many many foods. Sugar plunges me into depression. My body hurts. I no longer have full strength in either of my arms and am currently in a bad way because I threw tiles up on a roof for two days. My wrists are currently out of service.
Realizing the extent of my trauma has been incredibly debilitating. I'm managing to work, but it is just the minimum possible. And I do very little else besides work, take care of my kids, and do my nervous system exercises, emdr and write on the Forum. (Is that in order of priority? maybe...)
And now I'm pooped :-) And one more thing... Every single time I write on the Forum, I feel a little voice in me that tells me I'm wrong, bad, egotistical and selfish. It's incredible. It's there every time. I overcome it, but it's still there.
Healing is the path, not the goal...
I deeply truly madly love you all.
#93
Other / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by Chart - January 06, 2026, 08:34:36 PMQuote from: Blueberry on January 05, 2026, 05:35:00 AMI'm with you on the horrible memory Chart, and it being a handicap in professional and financial life
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Chart - January 06, 2026, 08:29:05 PMDalloway, I so wish I could take your inner child in my arms and hug her... she deserves all the love and support and attention and caring... that she never got. It truly breaks my heart. My biological father made one single attempt at contact and that was to try and end my existence. There is no comprehension of this kind of behavior, of our parents and caregivers who did nothing parental nor giving of care... And so we have to hold ourselves, we have to hug ourselves, we have to care for ourselves. I refuse to let my father win. I have promised my inner child that he will have love and care and attention... from me. I see him for what he is. I see him for what he suffered. I know the injustice that nearly crushed out his life. And I've stated clearly and explicitly that all that was wrong. I tell him over and over and over. I hug him over and over and over. I think about him, talk to him, love him. "We" are working together now. It took us a long time, he was scared, he was hurt, he was jealous and confused... But slowly, ever so slowly, he has raised his little head and looked at me, and I felt his trust growing. It was not desperation, it was love through understanding. I understand what my child-self experienced. And now, he understands what I have to tell him. He's getting better. He still doesn't laugh. But he suffers less. He cries more, but now it is tears of release as opposed to anguish. We are holding each other. Nothing in the world could move me to let go of his being, his essence, that which is the best part of me. I love me, and will never stop. Our inner children deserve so much. I'm still learning, but the start is now behind me and I'll never stop. Love will have no end.
#95
Other / Re: Psychosis as a result of t...
Last post by Chart - January 06, 2026, 08:02:22 PMQuote from: Teddy bear on January 06, 2026, 01:39:56 AMBy the way, I've read about Rufus May's views on psychosis, and they seem very explanatory and assertive. It seems very natural that the content of psychotic episodes is deeply connected to the trauma. Unfortunately, he has experienced it himself.
This made me think of a supposed quote by John Briere:
"If Complex PTSD were ever given its due, the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) would shrink from its dictionary like size to the size of a thin pamphlet."
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 06, 2026, 07:11:40 PMI'm so sorry Dalloway. It breaks my heart you are suffering so much. This is torture.
Not all of you has accepted the abusive messages you got in various ways. There's a part of you who wrote this. You are voicing your excruciating experiences here because you care about you. The one who seems to be almost crushed under the weight she carries. I'm rooting for her. I'm rooting for you.
It's brave to share the rawness of it like you did. Your deserve other people to acknowledge your suffering. And you deserve to be free from all of it. The part that happens in silence, in utter loneliness, is the heaviest burden to carry. I don't know what it's like to be you. I can only ask you to consider the possibility that I recognize a lot of what you describe. And many others here too. I've spent most of my life there. This is why I feel great compassion for you.
Today I wrote an e-mail to a CPTSD support group I want to join. It's name is called "my voice". In the e-mail I said that to me, everyone with complex trauma is already complete and lovable, and that we need others to be able to experience that and embrace it ourselves. This is also how I see you. Our minds are like a bad neighborhood. We better not go there alone.
Your loneliness is calling you to become the person you already are deep down. Because you know that the shadow of youself you had to become to survive is nowhere near your potential. It hurts, because you care. And you care, because on some level you know you deserve much better than this. You're right.
Gabor opened my eyes to what self love actually means in the video below. I couldn't love myself at the time, but he planted a seed that has taken root.
Much love
Dr Gabor Maté 'value' 2nd Clue
Not all of you has accepted the abusive messages you got in various ways. There's a part of you who wrote this. You are voicing your excruciating experiences here because you care about you. The one who seems to be almost crushed under the weight she carries. I'm rooting for her. I'm rooting for you.
It's brave to share the rawness of it like you did. Your deserve other people to acknowledge your suffering. And you deserve to be free from all of it. The part that happens in silence, in utter loneliness, is the heaviest burden to carry. I don't know what it's like to be you. I can only ask you to consider the possibility that I recognize a lot of what you describe. And many others here too. I've spent most of my life there. This is why I feel great compassion for you.
Today I wrote an e-mail to a CPTSD support group I want to join. It's name is called "my voice". In the e-mail I said that to me, everyone with complex trauma is already complete and lovable, and that we need others to be able to experience that and embrace it ourselves. This is also how I see you. Our minds are like a bad neighborhood. We better not go there alone.
Your loneliness is calling you to become the person you already are deep down. Because you know that the shadow of youself you had to become to survive is nowhere near your potential. It hurts, because you care. And you care, because on some level you know you deserve much better than this. You're right.
Gabor opened my eyes to what self love actually means in the video below. I couldn't love myself at the time, but he planted a seed that has taken root.
Much love
Dr Gabor Maté 'value' 2nd Clue
#97
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi, I'm mo and I'm new...
Last post by Blueberry - January 06, 2026, 07:09:24 PMHugs Highimpedance 
I often lack the bandwidth myself to write much to others, but I do validation, because it is so important! I've needed it myself for years, still do at times. And I send when I know people are OK with that. For some people especially new members it could be overwhelming, so I'm careful that way.
This forum has been so so good for me, so supportive, a place I come almost daily, despite my mostly having therapy of some type. I hope it can be a great suppportive place for you too!
I don't understand some of your original post, like ESA and php, I probably don't live in the same country as you. No stress though, I'm sure most other people understand them.
I often lack the bandwidth myself to write much to others, but I do validation, because it is so important! I've needed it myself for years, still do at times. And I send
when I know people are OK with that. For some people especially new members it could be overwhelming, so I'm careful that way.This forum has been so so good for me, so supportive, a place I come almost daily, despite my mostly having therapy of some type. I hope it can be a great suppportive place for you too!
I don't understand some of your original post, like ESA and php, I probably don't live in the same country as you. No stress though, I'm sure most other people understand them.
#98
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi, I'm mo and I'm new...
Last post by Kizzie - January 06, 2026, 05:35:43 PMWelcome to Out of the Storm Highimpedance 
So sorry for all that you have been through and are dealing with at present. I'm always happy when survivors manage to find their way here and begin to feel the relief of not being so alone anymore.
So sorry for all that you have been through and are dealing with at present. I'm always happy when survivors manage to find their way here and begin to feel the relief of not being so alone anymore. #99
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by HannahOne - January 06, 2026, 04:21:02 PMDalloway, I'm glad you're here on the forum and were able to write about your experience and share it here. We want to hear your voice, what you share is valuable to all of us with CTPSD as we are all trying to understand what cPTSD is and how it shaped us. Writing and speaking is the opposite of staying silent, and it's an instinct you have, to write in a journal, share, an instinct you're trying to follow even though some parts of you think it's pointless.
I really related to this: "You are not a valuable human being with a shape and form, boundaries and a real existence. You are just a shapeless entity, made to serve other people´s needs and desires. You don´t have your voice, it was all given to you and one day, when you decide to give it back, you´ll have nothing left." Your loneliness is familiar to me.
I also related to thinking about your inner child in the third person. I think of my inner children as "parts of me" and I find that helpful. Because that IS me, I am that broken child, and also, that is not aLL of me, I'm also an adult, with power and choices. I'm so sorry for the ways your trauma has shaped you, and impressed at your perseverance and strength to own your pain and work with it.
I really related to this: "You are not a valuable human being with a shape and form, boundaries and a real existence. You are just a shapeless entity, made to serve other people´s needs and desires. You don´t have your voice, it was all given to you and one day, when you decide to give it back, you´ll have nothing left." Your loneliness is familiar to me.
I also related to thinking about your inner child in the third person. I think of my inner children as "parts of me" and I find that helpful. Because that IS me, I am that broken child, and also, that is not aLL of me, I'm also an adult, with power and choices. I'm so sorry for the ways your trauma has shaped you, and impressed at your perseverance and strength to own your pain and work with it.
#100
Successes, Progress? / Re: Post-Traumatic Joy
Last post by Kizzie - January 06, 2026, 03:53:36 PMI absolutely love the term "post-traumatic joy" SO There is nothing quite so wonderful than feeling that connection and understanding with other survivors that can bring about a sense of belonging and joy. Pass the champagne please 
There is nothing quite so wonderful than feeling that connection and understanding with other survivors that can bring about a sense of belonging and joy. Pass the champagne please