Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by NarcKiddo - November 20, 2025, 10:56:02 PMIt makes sense to monitor what you are eating for sure. But I often find myself stressed at meal times for no obvious reason. It is something I need to discuss with my T. I have no conscious memory of FOO meal times being especially hard but I think they were and I just dissociated. If your family had regular sit down family meals I would guess there was stress there even if it was an undercurrent. So if that was the case for you it might pay to work on that aspect, since clearly we cannot simply stop eating.
I'm glad you felt good at least for a while. Every good experience helps rewire the circuits.
I'm glad you felt good at least for a while. Every good experience helps rewire the circuits.
#92
Depression / Feeling depressed
Last post by Ran - November 20, 2025, 09:58:50 PMFor context one thing I am diagnosed with is generalized anxiety and depression disorder.
I guess I wanted to just I don't even know what. I don't have any support with any of this right now. I even lost a place that was my support, so I guess I'm in grief too. I have been crying a lot and generally down.
At first at times this all didn't affect me as much. The older I got the more my past started to affect me.
I have no energy. My body hurts and I have tremors. I'm pretty sure my health is detoriating, though I'm trying to get all the help what is hard.
I'm advocating for my physical and mental health and not only my own. I'm doing always too much, but keeping busy is a distraction.
Everything just feels too much. I feel like I don't matter at all. I feel worthless and not like a human at all.
All I can hope for is get a good therapist, because otherwise I can't talk about none of it. I don't trust people very much.
I am in great pain.
I guess I wanted to just I don't even know what. I don't have any support with any of this right now. I even lost a place that was my support, so I guess I'm in grief too. I have been crying a lot and generally down.
At first at times this all didn't affect me as much. The older I got the more my past started to affect me.
I have no energy. My body hurts and I have tremors. I'm pretty sure my health is detoriating, though I'm trying to get all the help what is hard.
I'm advocating for my physical and mental health and not only my own. I'm doing always too much, but keeping busy is a distraction.
Everything just feels too much. I feel like I don't matter at all. I feel worthless and not like a human at all.
All I can hope for is get a good therapist, because otherwise I can't talk about none of it. I don't trust people very much.
I am in great pain.
#93
General Discussion / Re: I wish I had a personality...
Last post by kilroyinco - November 20, 2025, 09:36:53 PMHi,
I read your subject line differently. I thought for years that I had depression. I didn't want something to be wrong with me. I just knew I was suffering. Since I was a small child. It wasn't until three different therapists told me "you know you have PTSD, right?" that I found my way to complex trauma. The problem with all of this, which is sort of what I connected with from your subject, is everything seems to fall between the cracks. Without an actual, recognized diagnosis, I don't fit in anywhere, which is part of the problem to begin with. There aren't clear paths forward. I have spent the last three years finding my own treatment practice, having to find a path on my own, as I have done since I was very young. What I have concluded after a lot of introspection and deep research is there are loads of people who are impacted by trauma without any awareness.
I read your subject line differently. I thought for years that I had depression. I didn't want something to be wrong with me. I just knew I was suffering. Since I was a small child. It wasn't until three different therapists told me "you know you have PTSD, right?" that I found my way to complex trauma. The problem with all of this, which is sort of what I connected with from your subject, is everything seems to fall between the cracks. Without an actual, recognized diagnosis, I don't fit in anywhere, which is part of the problem to begin with. There aren't clear paths forward. I have spent the last three years finding my own treatment practice, having to find a path on my own, as I have done since I was very young. What I have concluded after a lot of introspection and deep research is there are loads of people who are impacted by trauma without any awareness.
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - November 20, 2025, 09:16:32 PMThank you for the hugs and good wishes, friends. Lately it feels like every day is a tough day, but I wanted to share that I felt good for a little while this morning after I worked out. It didn't last for very long, but it was a distinct feeling of happiness and optimism. I think it went away while I was eating breakfast, which makes me wonder whether a supplement I'm taking or something I'm eating for breakfast isn't agreeing with me. I'll have to pay some attention to that going forward. In any case, I want to make sure that I take notice when I have these clear moments of positive feeling so that I can hope for them with remembering that they do happen.
#95
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Definitely still out in the st...
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 20, 2025, 08:15:05 PMHi everyone. I'm in my mid-50s living with Complex PTSD rooted in early attachment trauma, chronic emotional neglect, and long-term parentification/enmeshment with one of my parents. My attachment style is primarily anxious–preoccupied with some disorganized features, especially around separation, abandonment, and identity.
I experience many of the classic CPTSD patterns: hypervigilance, deep shame (including around body image and disability), emotional self-erasure, fawning, overfunctioning, isolation, and a "lost self" that never felt allowed to form. Until recently, I truly believed I "grew up protected." A retraumatization at the end of 2023 broke through that narrative and led me to seek mental health care. I was initially diagnosed with major depression disorder December 2024, started CBT in late February 2025, and by mid-April received a full CPTSD diagnosis.
Most days I'm grateful I took the "red pill" and finally lifted the veil of amnesia around how much my childhood shaped and hurt me. I do believe this work will eventually allow me to live more freely. But right now I'm in the difficult in-between phase - some integration, but also a lot of floating, dysregulation, sadness, and spikes of panic. The emotional pain of the past nine months has been intense, and it has affected my professional work more than I ever expected.
I'm currently working through what feels like an existential attachment collapse. i.e. the fear that losing my primary attachment figure means losing myself. I'm in active therapy (CBT twice a week), focusing on stabilization, psychoeducation, and the early steps of identity reconstruction. I'm trying to understand my attachment wounds, soften old protector/survival strategies, and build a sense of self that feels safe and separate.
A rough stretch over the past ten days left me exhausted and lonely, and yesterday I ended up oversharing my life story with a "safe-enough" stranger at the dog park. Nothing unsafe happened, but afterwards I felt embarrassed and regretful. I recognize that I was likely in a vulnerable "after-insight" dip and longing for co-regulation. That moment made me search for a space where I could reach out without fear of burdening anyone, and that's how I found OOTS. I'm hoping that when I feel the need to "spill" again or need support, I can do it here anonymously, safely, and among people who understand what CPTSD feels like from the inside. Thank you for letting me join. I'm glad to be here.
I experience many of the classic CPTSD patterns: hypervigilance, deep shame (including around body image and disability), emotional self-erasure, fawning, overfunctioning, isolation, and a "lost self" that never felt allowed to form. Until recently, I truly believed I "grew up protected." A retraumatization at the end of 2023 broke through that narrative and led me to seek mental health care. I was initially diagnosed with major depression disorder December 2024, started CBT in late February 2025, and by mid-April received a full CPTSD diagnosis.
Most days I'm grateful I took the "red pill" and finally lifted the veil of amnesia around how much my childhood shaped and hurt me. I do believe this work will eventually allow me to live more freely. But right now I'm in the difficult in-between phase - some integration, but also a lot of floating, dysregulation, sadness, and spikes of panic. The emotional pain of the past nine months has been intense, and it has affected my professional work more than I ever expected.
I'm currently working through what feels like an existential attachment collapse. i.e. the fear that losing my primary attachment figure means losing myself. I'm in active therapy (CBT twice a week), focusing on stabilization, psychoeducation, and the early steps of identity reconstruction. I'm trying to understand my attachment wounds, soften old protector/survival strategies, and build a sense of self that feels safe and separate.
A rough stretch over the past ten days left me exhausted and lonely, and yesterday I ended up oversharing my life story with a "safe-enough" stranger at the dog park. Nothing unsafe happened, but afterwards I felt embarrassed and regretful. I recognize that I was likely in a vulnerable "after-insight" dip and longing for co-regulation. That moment made me search for a space where I could reach out without fear of burdening anyone, and that's how I found OOTS. I'm hoping that when I feel the need to "spill" again or need support, I can do it here anonymously, safely, and among people who understand what CPTSD feels like from the inside. Thank you for letting me join. I'm glad to be here.
#96
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Emotional neglect. Possibl...
Last post by Kizzie - November 20, 2025, 06:08:49 PMI hope being here will be of help to you 
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - November 20, 2025, 03:25:02 PMI'm really glad you found that app and that it is helping you.
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Chart - November 19, 2025, 07:11:17 PM
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 19, 2025, 03:05:00 PMthanks, hope. as a matter of fact, i finished the big load yesterday, now all that's left is a quick read-through for small errors. the book gets uploaded tomorrow, so we're good to go. whew! big relief
going for my ultrasound in a couple hours. i know the procedure should be no big deal, but i hate it all the same. plus, the anticipation of the results. ugh. my gut is clenching at the thought!
going for my ultrasound in a couple hours. i know the procedure should be no big deal, but i hate it all the same. plus, the anticipation of the results. ugh. my gut is clenching at the thought!
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 19, 2025, 03:02:03 PM
i think it's always a plus when we can connect w/ someone who can make us laugh! love and hugs