Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by dollyvee - January 21, 2026, 08:51:28 AMDalloway, I feel like I was listening to a lot of Beatles at a particular time in my life where I think I felt along the lines of where you are now. I was unhappy in university, "being" (and failing at that --almost literally and metaphorically) who my FOO wanted me to be, working hard to pursue a degree that I didn't really feel connected to because I didn't know who I was. I had a hint of something that I wanted to do, but didn't feel "ready" to do it yet, and made the decision to leave that school for another, which caused an outrage with FOO. I didn't come out of that experience "perfect" and the image of everything I ever wanted, but it was a step along the way to uncovering all of this.
So, I feel for you, but also sometimes these "hopes" can be anchors that keep us tethered to a certain place. I had to accept that I didn't (and don't) have all the answers, and I didn't (don't) know how it is all going to work out, just that I was going to try and do it for myself and not what FOO wanted. Of course, there are/were many different strings to this anchor in feelings, patterns, etc but I kept trying to move forward and lessen its weight.
Sending you support,
dolly
So, I feel for you, but also sometimes these "hopes" can be anchors that keep us tethered to a certain place. I had to accept that I didn't (and don't) have all the answers, and I didn't (don't) know how it is all going to work out, just that I was going to try and do it for myself and not what FOO wanted. Of course, there are/were many different strings to this anchor in feelings, patterns, etc but I kept trying to move forward and lessen its weight.
Sending you support,
dolly
#92
Physical Issues / Re: migraine tips?
Last post by dollyvee - January 21, 2026, 08:06:28 AMHey lowbudgettv,
I have a different approach to migraines. I never got them, but my dad had them repeatedly.
I think that a lot of my dad's health issues were environmental/genetic. I have been looking into my genetics for a while and there's a history of lots of IL-6/inflammatory markers in my family. I have had my own problems with histamine recently, and know that peanuts and my dad didn't mix (tho not an allergy), even though doctors say that peanuts don't precipitate migraines. Anyways, I think, like me, my dad was also suffering from mold/mycotoxin exposure after renovating our musty basement, and one of the symptoms of mold exposure are migraines. Some people have genetics which don't allow the body to detox mycotoxins and they can build up in the system causing problems and/or trigger existing inflammatory/sensitive genetics (chronic inflammatory response syndrome/CIRS and mast cell activation syndrome/MCAS).
With MCAS, stress is also a factor and yes my dad did have his own mental health struggles, but I feel like this was probably exacerbated by other environmental factors.
I hope you find some relief with it though.
Sending you support,
dolly
I have a different approach to migraines. I never got them, but my dad had them repeatedly.
I think that a lot of my dad's health issues were environmental/genetic. I have been looking into my genetics for a while and there's a history of lots of IL-6/inflammatory markers in my family. I have had my own problems with histamine recently, and know that peanuts and my dad didn't mix (tho not an allergy), even though doctors say that peanuts don't precipitate migraines. Anyways, I think, like me, my dad was also suffering from mold/mycotoxin exposure after renovating our musty basement, and one of the symptoms of mold exposure are migraines. Some people have genetics which don't allow the body to detox mycotoxins and they can build up in the system causing problems and/or trigger existing inflammatory/sensitive genetics (chronic inflammatory response syndrome/CIRS and mast cell activation syndrome/MCAS).
With MCAS, stress is also a factor and yes my dad did have his own mental health struggles, but I feel like this was probably exacerbated by other environmental factors.
I hope you find some relief with it though.
Sending you support,
dolly
#93
Physical Issues / Re: migraine tips?
Last post by Marcine - January 21, 2026, 03:04:46 AMAw lowbudgetTV,
I really feel for you. I too have experienced migraines.
The worst of them would start during the night and wake me in full fledged inferno pain. I found it very difficult/ impossible to get ahead of it at that point and just had to hang on for dear life until the vice grip on my head loosened after several hours. Excruciating.
Whenever I could sense it creeping up during awake times, that allowed me to try oral pain relievers and cold exposure (ice packs or cold water plunge), which sometimes reduced the intensity and/or duration.
Talking about the migraine's existence with loved ones who understand has helped me too.
But truthfully the breakthrough came when I started methodically tracking what happened in my life during the 24 hours prior to each migraine.
And for me, the pattern became crystal clear. When I did something fun or liberating on my own terms— boom a migraine.
When I saw truth clearly and accepted it— boom a migraine.
When I spoke up for myself and held a boundary— you get the gist.
Like an epic clash between the titans of old, established neuron pathways and the current, vibrant neuroplastic growth.
A while ago I jotted this in my journal from the internet:
"Migraines and emotional flashbacks are closely linked as both stem from trauma where intense feelings (fear, shame) from past events resurface unexpectedly alongside severe headaches.
"These aren't just headaches— they're complex neurological/emotional responses."
(sorry that I didn't keep the source of that citation)
If indeed it resonates with you that migraines and emotional flashbacks are related, then it would suggest that reducing emotional flashbacks would reduce migraines.
I have found this to be true for myself. After a long time struggling.
As Pete Walker writes, reducing the frequency and intensity of emotional flashbacks is progress. They may never completely go away.
I still get migraines from time to time, less frequently and less intensely than before, still requiring me to slow down and heal the pain that is commanding my attention.
I sincerely hope migraine pain will become less intense and less frequent for you. My empathy and healing thoughts are with you.
I really feel for you. I too have experienced migraines.
The worst of them would start during the night and wake me in full fledged inferno pain. I found it very difficult/ impossible to get ahead of it at that point and just had to hang on for dear life until the vice grip on my head loosened after several hours. Excruciating.
Whenever I could sense it creeping up during awake times, that allowed me to try oral pain relievers and cold exposure (ice packs or cold water plunge), which sometimes reduced the intensity and/or duration.
Talking about the migraine's existence with loved ones who understand has helped me too.
But truthfully the breakthrough came when I started methodically tracking what happened in my life during the 24 hours prior to each migraine.
And for me, the pattern became crystal clear. When I did something fun or liberating on my own terms— boom a migraine.
When I saw truth clearly and accepted it— boom a migraine.
When I spoke up for myself and held a boundary— you get the gist.
Like an epic clash between the titans of old, established neuron pathways and the current, vibrant neuroplastic growth.
A while ago I jotted this in my journal from the internet:
"Migraines and emotional flashbacks are closely linked as both stem from trauma where intense feelings (fear, shame) from past events resurface unexpectedly alongside severe headaches.
"These aren't just headaches— they're complex neurological/emotional responses."
(sorry that I didn't keep the source of that citation)
If indeed it resonates with you that migraines and emotional flashbacks are related, then it would suggest that reducing emotional flashbacks would reduce migraines.
I have found this to be true for myself. After a long time struggling.
As Pete Walker writes, reducing the frequency and intensity of emotional flashbacks is progress. They may never completely go away.
I still get migraines from time to time, less frequently and less intensely than before, still requiring me to slow down and heal the pain that is commanding my attention.
I sincerely hope migraine pain will become less intense and less frequent for you. My empathy and healing thoughts are with you.
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 21, 2026, 03:01:24 AMI wish I could cry and grief right now.
#96
Physical Issues / migraine tips?
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 21, 2026, 01:59:54 AMI get horrid migraines and they're just getting worse sonetimes. I figured I'd see if anyone here had tips or experiences. Migraines are the worst pain imaingable so I figure its good to vent.
Im not going to type very good because migraine. Im going to talk to a doctor next week. Maybe ill detail the horrid weird symptoms i get with them later. Ow!
Im not going to type very good because migraine. Im going to talk to a doctor next week. Maybe ill detail the horrid weird symptoms i get with them later. Ow!
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 09:59:23 PMCharlie Brown always cried, "Good grief!" Funny, I just thought of that. Yeah, it's good. I've started crying three times today, two on reading things here on the forum. How bad was your Trauma? Well, no matter how bad... grief is one of the ways in which reconciliation has come to me. Every time I cry, I see, feel, hear, sense, love, know and embrace that little baby that I was. It's part of my healing. A big part. I am still reading Lisa Feldman Barrett. But beyond that, I am very slow on therapy books. I am highly dubious of my prefrontal cortex. I now believe in Emdr, nervous system re-regulation (will continue learning about that), abdominal strengthening (realized today that my irritated bowel syndrome has pretty much gone away, its been a long time since I have felt intestinal pain. Hernia pain has also reduced.) Where was I?
I want to mention, I feel there's a link between Emdr and Grieving. When I do Emdr with my therapist, it is intense. Each time (twice now) I have cried my guts out. (I think I scared my therapist the first time, that's how intense it was.) Not that it "should" be intense. I also listen to binaural sounds, and I never cry with that. But I do cry when I watch children. And I watch them often. There's a group of school kids that often pass underneath my window certain mornings. And I love watching them. There's also a church in front of my apartment, and for some reason passing kids love to climb the steps up to the church. Today, I watched a little boy, maybe five, pick up his little brother (three?) and carry him down the steps like a sack of potatoes. It was cute as heck. No tears there, but a few days ago I saw a kid crying in the street and his mother picked him up and that brought tears to my eyes.
Crazy, yeah. I miss the love I had in my relationships. That loss makes me sad, reminds me of something.
No, I think Grief is pretty high up there in importance for me. I really stuffed it down for those years of daily trauma, and then even after. Something about crying makes it all make sense... like something that makes no sense whatsoever, and just letting go to the unknown and impossible to conceive and letting the stress pour out through the tears... it somehow lightens after, starts to break apart. Yeah, I'm glad San brought up Grief. Funny how you can already know something, but hearing it again changes it somehow, augmentation of a Truth.
I love you all. Thank you.
I want to mention, I feel there's a link between Emdr and Grieving. When I do Emdr with my therapist, it is intense. Each time (twice now) I have cried my guts out. (I think I scared my therapist the first time, that's how intense it was.) Not that it "should" be intense. I also listen to binaural sounds, and I never cry with that. But I do cry when I watch children. And I watch them often. There's a group of school kids that often pass underneath my window certain mornings. And I love watching them. There's also a church in front of my apartment, and for some reason passing kids love to climb the steps up to the church. Today, I watched a little boy, maybe five, pick up his little brother (three?) and carry him down the steps like a sack of potatoes. It was cute as heck. No tears there, but a few days ago I saw a kid crying in the street and his mother picked him up and that brought tears to my eyes.
Crazy, yeah. I miss the love I had in my relationships. That loss makes me sad, reminds me of something.
No, I think Grief is pretty high up there in importance for me. I really stuffed it down for those years of daily trauma, and then even after. Something about crying makes it all make sense... like something that makes no sense whatsoever, and just letting go to the unknown and impossible to conceive and letting the stress pour out through the tears... it somehow lightens after, starts to break apart. Yeah, I'm glad San brought up Grief. Funny how you can already know something, but hearing it again changes it somehow, augmentation of a Truth.
I love you all. Thank you.
#98
Emotional Abuse / Re: grief
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 09:30:34 PMYeah, it was that bad. I think it's especially important to realize that a developing brain cannot put things into proper context. All children need and deserve: Safety, respected Boundaries, and Love. If any of that is missing in the child's life, and for the entirety of their development, there will be difficulties. There is a fundamental reality of good parenting, and when things go against that, it's very hard (impossible) for a child to understand. So the obvious answer is: It's not that bad... and probably my fault...
As the baseline standard, this is hard to fight against.
But we are, and we do. It WAS that bad...
As the baseline standard, this is hard to fight against.
But we are, and we do. It WAS that bad...
#99
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by Erec - January 20, 2026, 09:23:47 PMTW
I want to thank everyone who responded, but a lot has happened since I last logged into this site. A series of tests I underwent on my own initiative, based on data from many years ago, led me to discover a significant metabolic component of genetic origin behind my issues. It was a revelation, but I was still too fragile to handle it; I had an explosion of emotional dysregulation and ended up in the emergency room for the first time in my life (my mother was frightened and called emergency services).
This triggered many other problems, but in the meantime, a new psychiatrist has agreed to reduce my medication, and I am feeling better. I am taking supplements for the metabolic issue, though the psychiatrist is proceeding with great caution, so the treatment isn't optimal yet. The doctors who saw me when I was very young never asked about my history, so they overlooked the traumatic aspects, and for twenty-five years they failed to perform relatively simple diagnostic tests.
I know now that nothing that happened was my fault, but I have ended up on the radar of social services and I will have to face another massive trauma: I have almost certainly lost twenty-five years of my life to a problem that could have been identified with simple blood tests and resolved with supplements. On one hand, I feel extremely weak; on the other, I am doing better. However, I don't know what my future holds, nor if I will ever find someone in real life capable of understanding my experience and my pain, and of staying by my side.
I want to thank everyone who responded, but a lot has happened since I last logged into this site. A series of tests I underwent on my own initiative, based on data from many years ago, led me to discover a significant metabolic component of genetic origin behind my issues. It was a revelation, but I was still too fragile to handle it; I had an explosion of emotional dysregulation and ended up in the emergency room for the first time in my life (my mother was frightened and called emergency services).
This triggered many other problems, but in the meantime, a new psychiatrist has agreed to reduce my medication, and I am feeling better. I am taking supplements for the metabolic issue, though the psychiatrist is proceeding with great caution, so the treatment isn't optimal yet. The doctors who saw me when I was very young never asked about my history, so they overlooked the traumatic aspects, and for twenty-five years they failed to perform relatively simple diagnostic tests.
I know now that nothing that happened was my fault, but I have ended up on the radar of social services and I will have to face another massive trauma: I have almost certainly lost twenty-five years of my life to a problem that could have been identified with simple blood tests and resolved with supplements. On one hand, I feel extremely weak; on the other, I am doing better. However, I don't know what my future holds, nor if I will ever find someone in real life capable of understanding my experience and my pain, and of staying by my side.
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Chart - January 20, 2026, 09:06:36 PMDalloway... Your post has brought tears to my eyes. I so very much understand that broken child. You ask what to do with the pieces? Pick them up. Put them together, no matter how broken, and hold them in your arms. Love those pieces. Love that little girl who never had a mother. She's alive and well and needs love. No one else can give it to her now, except you.
I've found my prefrontal cortex, rational and conscious, is good for very little, but does excel at one thing in particular. It's capable of stopping the voice of my past, my mother, my uselessness, my existence... I say NO to all that. It feels false, wrong, dumb, totally against what I am feeling. But I've learned... on this ONE thing, my prefrontal conscious mind is actually right.
Dalloway, your philosophy teacher is not wrong. Take that information and force it on yourself. That is the beginning. It takes a Loooooooooooong time to believe the message, the message that goes to the depths of our souls. But the New Word is that we are okay, we are good, we are lovable. We just never got what EVERY child deserves...
I go to playground and watch the children. The younger the better for me. I watch kids fall and see their mothers run to them and pick them up and talk to them and sooth them. I watch other kids hug each other. Sometimes they push, sometimes they laugh, but they are all beautiful and I rejoice in their joy at being. I watch how it was "supposed" to be for me, and often I cry like a madman. Like now. It hurts so much. It goes so deep. I make sense of it all through my tears. And slowly, ever so slowly I feel put back together, I feel more an more whole. I've still a long way to go. I'm still terrified. But day after day, week upon week, it gets easier. I start to believe what was inconceivable two years ago: I am loved. Now by many, and especially by me.
Love yourself Dalloway. You absolutely deserve it.
Sending love, lots of love, Chart
I've found my prefrontal cortex, rational and conscious, is good for very little, but does excel at one thing in particular. It's capable of stopping the voice of my past, my mother, my uselessness, my existence... I say NO to all that. It feels false, wrong, dumb, totally against what I am feeling. But I've learned... on this ONE thing, my prefrontal conscious mind is actually right.
Dalloway, your philosophy teacher is not wrong. Take that information and force it on yourself. That is the beginning. It takes a Loooooooooooong time to believe the message, the message that goes to the depths of our souls. But the New Word is that we are okay, we are good, we are lovable. We just never got what EVERY child deserves...
I go to playground and watch the children. The younger the better for me. I watch kids fall and see their mothers run to them and pick them up and talk to them and sooth them. I watch other kids hug each other. Sometimes they push, sometimes they laugh, but they are all beautiful and I rejoice in their joy at being. I watch how it was "supposed" to be for me, and often I cry like a madman. Like now. It hurts so much. It goes so deep. I make sense of it all through my tears. And slowly, ever so slowly I feel put back together, I feel more an more whole. I've still a long way to go. I'm still terrified. But day after day, week upon week, it gets easier. I start to believe what was inconceivable two years ago: I am loved. Now by many, and especially by me.
Love yourself Dalloway. You absolutely deserve it.
Sending love, lots of love, Chart