Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 02:19:36 PMhey, bach, i get it about anger being scary, depression feeling safer. for me, part of the anger fear was the pain i also felt at realizing, knowing, and feeling what had been done to me, what i had to go thru, what it ended up meaning for my life. lots of pain there, and pain hurts. so, it makes sense to me that depression is easier to deal w/ - it just doesn't hurt as much.
my thought on 'what good would that do?' as far as feeling the anger is that you'd be releasing a whole lot of neg. energy, something that may be limiting you, holding you back from feeling unstuck. there may also be grieving to be done, another painful thing. along w/ your anger, you may be holding onto sadness for yourself, for what you went thru, also painful. so, lots of pain inside, i'm guessing. depression can help cover that up, i think. just my thoughts/opinions.
your own pace, your timing is yours, too. when you're ready. this doesn't have to be rushed, or according to someone else's schedule. wishing you the best w/ it all. love and hugs
my thought on 'what good would that do?' as far as feeling the anger is that you'd be releasing a whole lot of neg. energy, something that may be limiting you, holding you back from feeling unstuck. there may also be grieving to be done, another painful thing. along w/ your anger, you may be holding onto sadness for yourself, for what you went thru, also painful. so, lots of pain inside, i'm guessing. depression can help cover that up, i think. just my thoughts/opinions.
your own pace, your timing is yours, too. when you're ready. this doesn't have to be rushed, or according to someone else's schedule. wishing you the best w/ it all. love and hugs
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 01:50:08 PMhannah1, as a mom of grown children, and living w/ one of them, i don't know that they never don't need their mom. not in the same ways, for sure, as when they were coming up, learning about themselves, who they are, how they fit in this world, in their lives. but, on some level, at some time, there is a change. isn't our job as parents to teach our kids, help them know they're safe and loved, give them the reassurance they need to be able to explore the world as it keeps getting larger and larger for them? and then, yes, allowing them to live their lives on their own. you can feel secure in the knowledge you gave them what they needed when they needed it, and as you said, the less you need them to fulfill your life, the easier it is for them to get on w/ their own in the best way possible.
i don't see parenthood as an ending, but rather we simply move to a different chapter in our book of life. just as they don't need to have us hold their hand as they cross the street anymore, it's a new chapter for them as well. you've done so well as a mom, and what sounds beautiful to my ears is that you haven't forgotten yourself as a person, which i think is extremely important. at this stage in life, i think there's more room now for who you are, what you want, how you want it. you've carried the heaviest part of the load of parenting, and deserve the rest of your time for you as much as you want.
i guess i'm talking to myself a bit here as well. just my opinions, tho. if anything doesn't sit w/ you, please ignore. love and hugs
i don't see parenthood as an ending, but rather we simply move to a different chapter in our book of life. just as they don't need to have us hold their hand as they cross the street anymore, it's a new chapter for them as well. you've done so well as a mom, and what sounds beautiful to my ears is that you haven't forgotten yourself as a person, which i think is extremely important. at this stage in life, i think there's more room now for who you are, what you want, how you want it. you've carried the heaviest part of the load of parenting, and deserve the rest of your time for you as much as you want.
i guess i'm talking to myself a bit here as well. just my opinions, tho. if anything doesn't sit w/ you, please ignore. love and hugs
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 01:33:29 PMi hope so, too, hope, that the sunshine lasts awhile in as many forms as possible. love and hugs
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 01:31:52 PMPC, i've also only lately been gently cuddled by a sense of relaxation several times. it always surprises me, but it's very welcome at the same time. i'm not sure why it's appearing now, but i'll take it. at the same time, i've become motivated to do more physical things to get my body engaged in something good for it. activated, as blueberry has mentioned. that's been feeling good as well. it may all be tied together, a shift, like you said. if that's what it is, i'll take it!
so very glad for you that you're experiencing something positive like this. we've got this! these connections, of which you've so often spoken, are real, i believe, and are gathering together around us, holding us up, providing the safety net we never had. sending love and a hug filled w/ the necessary to keep these connections going.
so very glad for you that you're experiencing something positive like this. we've got this! these connections, of which you've so often spoken, are real, i believe, and are gathering together around us, holding us up, providing the safety net we never had. sending love and a hug filled w/ the necessary to keep these connections going.
#95
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 01:14:22 PMlike many others here, i, too, have many, many incidents in my background of abuse and neglect that might not qualify as traumatic to some, but, yes, the wise words ' if you have symptoms of c-ptsd, it was bad enough', and i questioned it from time to time. i've gotten better at accepting, but it takes practice sometimes.
as far as 12,000 different troubling events, something i've come to realize is that they often can be huddled under one umbrella or another. for example, how many times were my feelings dismissed (many preverbal, i imagine)? each may have its own situation, but they were generally in the same category. that might take care of a few hundred examples. and so on. EMDR can often deal w/ puddles like that of similar instances w/o having to go thru each one individually.
just a thought. love and hugs
as far as 12,000 different troubling events, something i've come to realize is that they often can be huddled under one umbrella or another. for example, how many times were my feelings dismissed (many preverbal, i imagine)? each may have its own situation, but they were generally in the same category. that might take care of a few hundred examples. and so on. EMDR can often deal w/ puddles like that of similar instances w/o having to go thru each one individually.
just a thought. love and hugs
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - March 05, 2026, 12:48:42 PM Heavy spoiler warning. I'm in an evil mood.
I'm sitting here this morning filled with impotent rage.
My mother died peacefully in her sleep, oblivious not only to what she did to her own children, but unaware of the fact that she ever even had any.
She died alone and unloved and it's not enough for me. I don't want explanations or reconciliation. I want revenge.
People will give me excuses for her behavior or defend her or even attack *me* for being unforgiving, but I'm having none of it. She was a manipulative duplicitious selfish * who literally took her own children hostage. Abused and held us captive for months for the crime of merely existing as helpless toddlers. Children who were tortured and ruined for the crime of being offspring of a woman who didn't want us and was enraged by any reminder of our existence but also didn't want to let anyone else take us away from her. And she got away with it.
I was ruined to the point of needing rehabilitation just to walk and speak again and suffered lifetime cPTSD and a bizarre infallible memory that I can't access at will. A literal silent witness to her crimes.
My baby sister, I can't even rate the damage to her. But my brother... He lived his life filled with the same anger I feel now. He never dissociated. He lived a lifetime of anger and behavioral problems. He passed on the abuse to his children and hung himself in a closet. It was her fault.
It is not enough. If I could I would bring her back to life and force her to suffer eternal torment, unable to escape or deny her guilt for what she had done to us. Locked away all alone in a stuffy room in a tower while I'd be off partying pretending She had never been born.
She deserves far worse than she got and the tragedy is I can't change it. There's no justice.
I'm sitting here this morning filled with impotent rage.
My mother died peacefully in her sleep, oblivious not only to what she did to her own children, but unaware of the fact that she ever even had any.
She died alone and unloved and it's not enough for me. I don't want explanations or reconciliation. I want revenge.
People will give me excuses for her behavior or defend her or even attack *me* for being unforgiving, but I'm having none of it. She was a manipulative duplicitious selfish * who literally took her own children hostage. Abused and held us captive for months for the crime of merely existing as helpless toddlers. Children who were tortured and ruined for the crime of being offspring of a woman who didn't want us and was enraged by any reminder of our existence but also didn't want to let anyone else take us away from her. And she got away with it.
I was ruined to the point of needing rehabilitation just to walk and speak again and suffered lifetime cPTSD and a bizarre infallible memory that I can't access at will. A literal silent witness to her crimes.
My baby sister, I can't even rate the damage to her. But my brother... He lived his life filled with the same anger I feel now. He never dissociated. He lived a lifetime of anger and behavioral problems. He passed on the abuse to his children and hung himself in a closet. It was her fault.
It is not enough. If I could I would bring her back to life and force her to suffer eternal torment, unable to escape or deny her guilt for what she had done to us. Locked away all alone in a stuffy room in a tower while I'd be off partying pretending She had never been born.
She deserves far worse than she got and the tragedy is I can't change it. There's no justice.
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 05, 2026, 03:54:11 AM
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 05, 2026, 02:27:03 AMblueberry, i love the idea of doing some cleaning up in the garden. the weather for doing that isn't always going to be ideal, whereas, indoor chores have no weather circumstances to worry about. they'll be there, waiting, but good weather won't necessarily be so. isn't there a phrase 'make hay while the sun shines'?
as far as communicating w/ someone, may i just reiterate that your activation stance has been staying w/ me. it was too cold to walk outside this morning, so i walked up and down hallways and stairs instead for a few hundred steps. nothing big, but it was something. and since you brought 'activation' up, i have done something physical every day. so, thank you again. love and hugs
as far as communicating w/ someone, may i just reiterate that your activation stance has been staying w/ me. it was too cold to walk outside this morning, so i walked up and down hallways and stairs instead for a few hundred steps. nothing big, but it was something. and since you brought 'activation' up, i have done something physical every day. so, thank you again. love and hugs
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - March 04, 2026, 11:55:08 PMActivating myself is difficult when I don't feel any intrinsic motivation.
I finally listened to one of the Tapping Things in the 10 day tapping course I linked somewhere on the forum. The ninth day is coming to an end, but better late than never...
Anyway the topic today was motivation, or lack thereof, and the lack meaning that something's blocked rather than that you can pull the motivation out of a hat. It was useful in showing me what my big blockage is atm. Not that I have got on with dealing with it, maybe tomorrow... (1) It's communicating with somebody, where the communication is going to be a little difficult.
It also showed me what little job I could be doing that might actually help a bit with motivation - that would be going outside and doing some clean-up - there is grit from winter to sweep up, some bits of lawn and under-trees need to be raked. Well, I suppose I mean the tapping showed me that this particular job or even parts of it could be fun / slightly enjoyable as opposed to all sorts of other things I think I 'should' be doing which I cognitively classify as more important like cleaning up in the kitchen. But I've been putting of the latter for days and days, so yeah, while the weather's nice and sunny for me it would make sense to allow myself to do some garden clear-up instead of apartment clear-up. A couple of days ago in OT I was finger-painting because that helps when things get stuck and one of the first sentences to burst out of me was: "I don't want to clean!" So why try and force myself?? Much more sensible to (2) do some garden work and then see.
And (3), even more low-hanging fruit - at least get out of bed in the morning and stay up. Even if I then come onto the computer. Tomorrow is another day of tapping, I can write here on OOTS (more easily than on smartphone in bed), start with the communication under (1), it's easier to go into garden if I'm already up etc etc.
I finally listened to one of the Tapping Things in the 10 day tapping course I linked somewhere on the forum. The ninth day is coming to an end, but better late than never...
Anyway the topic today was motivation, or lack thereof, and the lack meaning that something's blocked rather than that you can pull the motivation out of a hat. It was useful in showing me what my big blockage is atm. Not that I have got on with dealing with it, maybe tomorrow... (1) It's communicating with somebody, where the communication is going to be a little difficult.
It also showed me what little job I could be doing that might actually help a bit with motivation - that would be going outside and doing some clean-up - there is grit from winter to sweep up, some bits of lawn and under-trees need to be raked. Well, I suppose I mean the tapping showed me that this particular job or even parts of it could be fun / slightly enjoyable as opposed to all sorts of other things I think I 'should' be doing which I cognitively classify as more important like cleaning up in the kitchen. But I've been putting of the latter for days and days, so yeah, while the weather's nice and sunny for me it would make sense to allow myself to do some garden clear-up instead of apartment clear-up. A couple of days ago in OT I was finger-painting because that helps when things get stuck and one of the first sentences to burst out of me was: "I don't want to clean!" So why try and force myself?? Much more sensible to (2) do some garden work and then see.
And (3), even more low-hanging fruit - at least get out of bed in the morning and stay up. Even if I then come onto the computer. Tomorrow is another day of tapping, I can write here on OOTS (more easily than on smartphone in bed), start with the communication under (1), it's easier to go into garden if I'm already up etc etc.
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: Of course it's worth it!
Last post by Blueberry - March 04, 2026, 11:36:56 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 18, 2026, 01:14:05 PMAlso that you were given that advice by the inpatient trauma place. Did you find it helpful? It strikes me as well-meaning but potentially challenging unless it was accompanied with sensible and potentially actionable suggestions of how you might go about doing that.
Yes, it was helpful at the time, not overwhelming, because I had quite a lot of acquaintances and groups of people I knew where I was welcome to go and did go quite a lot. So at the time it was about focussing more on these people and really learning maybe that I do live in this foreign country and it's OK to make it my home, and of course focussing less on FOO in my mind. I didn't really need actionable suggestions from the inpatient place.