Recent posts
#91
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 13, 2025, 03:48:31 PMQuote from: Abitbroken on December 13, 2025, 03:26:07 PMMy mum also died when I was 13 - so I feel guilty saying I don't feel like I was loved and never felt safe or held when I know she was a good person
I'm sorry for your loss.
Lots for you to unpack with your therapist. But I just wanted to jump in and mention another book that might be of interest. "The Myth of Normal" by Gabor Mate. It deals a lot towards the latter part of the book with societal issues and the author is not shy of sharing his views on capitalism and politics, which may or may not bother you. But the start of it deals with many aspects of how trauma can arise even within a loving family. He is very particular about focusing not on blame but on understanding cause and effect.
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 13, 2025, 03:37:49 PM
#93
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 13, 2025, 03:31:32 PMHi abitbroken,
Reading your reply felt like looking into a mirror. The way you describe moving through the day on logic and autopilot, holding it together, and then bracing for that wave of pain at the end - that's been very familiar to me. Especially the loneliness inside those waves.
I don't want to hijack your post with my story, but I introduced myself here a few weeks ago - maybe it resonates with you too:
I want to answer your question directly: yes, slowly allowing myself to take in "if I have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad" has helped me. But it has not been quick, easy, or linear. Intellectually, I understood it long before I could feel it. For a long time it stayed exactly where you describe it: "that makes logical sense" ... and then it didn't land any deeper. For me, the absorption has come/is still coming in small fragments, not as a single realization. Sometimes it lands for a few minutes, sometimes for a day, sometimes not at all. And honestly, when it does land, it can initially make things harder before it makes them easier. There was/is grief, anger, sadness, and a kind of shock at how much I had minimized and pushed through. So if therapy feels like it's "opened something" and made things worse, that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. For many of us, it means the numbness is cracking before there's enough safety, containment, or integration yet. That is exhausting.
What has helped me over time is learning that the part of me that says "I'm being a big baby, I should handle this better" is not truth - it's a trauma adaptation. It's the voice that kept me functioning for decades when there was no room for need, fear, or overwhelm. That voice - a protector formed to help me survive - isn't bad, but it's not a fair or accurate judge of the weight I've been carrying.
You also asked whether it got easier once things sank in. I'd say: different, not instantly easier. There's less self-blame now, even when the pain is still there. And that alone has been meaningful.
One thing I found on this forum that really resonated with me early on was the essay "death by a thousand cuts."
Nothing you wrote sounded silly or repetitive to me. It sounded like someone at the very beginning of making sense of something that has been running their nervous system for a long time. I'm really glad you reached out, and I'm grateful you wrote back so openly.
You're not alone in this - even when it feels utterly lonely inside the waves
Reading your reply felt like looking into a mirror. The way you describe moving through the day on logic and autopilot, holding it together, and then bracing for that wave of pain at the end - that's been very familiar to me. Especially the loneliness inside those waves.
I don't want to hijack your post with my story, but I introduced myself here a few weeks ago - maybe it resonates with you too:
Quote from: TheBigBlue on November 20, 2025, 08:15:05 PMHi everyone. I'm in my mid-50s living with Complex PTSD rooted in early attachment trauma, chronic emotional neglect, and long-term parentification/enmeshment with one of my parents. ...
I want to answer your question directly: yes, slowly allowing myself to take in "if I have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad" has helped me. But it has not been quick, easy, or linear. Intellectually, I understood it long before I could feel it. For a long time it stayed exactly where you describe it: "that makes logical sense" ... and then it didn't land any deeper. For me, the absorption has come/is still coming in small fragments, not as a single realization. Sometimes it lands for a few minutes, sometimes for a day, sometimes not at all. And honestly, when it does land, it can initially make things harder before it makes them easier. There was/is grief, anger, sadness, and a kind of shock at how much I had minimized and pushed through. So if therapy feels like it's "opened something" and made things worse, that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. For many of us, it means the numbness is cracking before there's enough safety, containment, or integration yet. That is exhausting.
What has helped me over time is learning that the part of me that says "I'm being a big baby, I should handle this better" is not truth - it's a trauma adaptation. It's the voice that kept me functioning for decades when there was no room for need, fear, or overwhelm. That voice - a protector formed to help me survive - isn't bad, but it's not a fair or accurate judge of the weight I've been carrying.
You also asked whether it got easier once things sank in. I'd say: different, not instantly easier. There's less self-blame now, even when the pain is still there. And that alone has been meaningful.
One thing I found on this forum that really resonated with me early on was the essay "death by a thousand cuts."
Quote from: Kizzie on December 07, 2023, 07:13:22 PM... emotional abuse in relational trauma is that it does not necessarily have to involve horrific, negative abuse, but can often be more covert or as I like to say mine was, death by a thousand cuts. ... good article ...It helped me understand why I couldn't point to one clear "trauma event" - and why the impact could still be so severe over time, through a thousand small injuries. What NarcKiddo also wrote about here:
https://www.complextrauma.org/complex-trauma/death-by-a-thousand-cuts/ ...
Quote from: NarcKiddo on December 13, 2025, 01:26:41 PM... what a lot of people refer to as "small t trauma" as opposed to the more obvious "capital T trauma" ...It gave language to something I had always felt but never had words for.
Nothing you wrote sounded silly or repetitive to me. It sounded like someone at the very beginning of making sense of something that has been running their nervous system for a long time. I'm really glad you reached out, and I'm grateful you wrote back so openly.
You're not alone in this - even when it feels utterly lonely inside the waves
#94
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - December 13, 2025, 03:26:07 PMHi NarcKiddo - thanks so much for your reply and for the information you have shared.
My therapist has said that at the minute we are focussing on the here and now, and we will have to start looking at things in the "wardrobe" at some point once things are more settled. She uses TF-CBT and we have touched on some stuff from the past, not feeling safe as a child... or ever in fact, I didn't feel loved as a kid which is weird as my brother says he did, which makes me feel worse... but glad for him of course. My mum also died when I was 13 - so I feel guilty saying I don't feel like I was loved and never felt safe or held when I know she was a good person, and I know my brother did, but that's another story.
Emotional Flashbacks - I haven't heard of that - I will certainly read up more - thanks for sharing. They are awful, I have these horrible episodes where I feel like this darkness is trying to break out of me through my whole body, and it's so bad I just would give anything, including my life for it to just stop, as it is so overwhelming and painful. (I am not suicidal - it's just the only way I can describe how bad it is when it happens) It does of course eventually go, but in the moment it is pure *. I am learning to try and tell myself, it will pass. I "think" it helps a bit.
Yes, safe to say I am just at the beginning of what (by the looks of it) is going to be a long road.
It helps to see that other people might actually understand what is going on as I feel like I in a 24/7 battle inside myself.
I feel able to share a lot with my therapist about what is going on inside me. then get scared afterwards, and feel like I wish I could retract it all because it sounds ridiculous and stupid etc. Then fear she will think I am too much for her, stop working with me etc.
It's also really good to hear someone else understand the logical sense thing - I can totally get things on an intellectual level, but it sits there and there is a barrier / wall between that and any feeling. I also struggle to describe negative emotions, to me it is just pain - and it's difficult for me to distinguish or distill it down any further.
I will certainly read the book you have recommended and have a proper look around.
Thank you again for taking the time to respond, I deeply, deeply appreciate it.
My therapist has said that at the minute we are focussing on the here and now, and we will have to start looking at things in the "wardrobe" at some point once things are more settled. She uses TF-CBT and we have touched on some stuff from the past, not feeling safe as a child... or ever in fact, I didn't feel loved as a kid which is weird as my brother says he did, which makes me feel worse... but glad for him of course. My mum also died when I was 13 - so I feel guilty saying I don't feel like I was loved and never felt safe or held when I know she was a good person, and I know my brother did, but that's another story.
Emotional Flashbacks - I haven't heard of that - I will certainly read up more - thanks for sharing. They are awful, I have these horrible episodes where I feel like this darkness is trying to break out of me through my whole body, and it's so bad I just would give anything, including my life for it to just stop, as it is so overwhelming and painful. (I am not suicidal - it's just the only way I can describe how bad it is when it happens) It does of course eventually go, but in the moment it is pure *. I am learning to try and tell myself, it will pass. I "think" it helps a bit.
Yes, safe to say I am just at the beginning of what (by the looks of it) is going to be a long road.
It helps to see that other people might actually understand what is going on as I feel like I in a 24/7 battle inside myself.
I feel able to share a lot with my therapist about what is going on inside me. then get scared afterwards, and feel like I wish I could retract it all because it sounds ridiculous and stupid etc. Then fear she will think I am too much for her, stop working with me etc.
It's also really good to hear someone else understand the logical sense thing - I can totally get things on an intellectual level, but it sits there and there is a barrier / wall between that and any feeling. I also struggle to describe negative emotions, to me it is just pain - and it's difficult for me to distinguish or distill it down any further.
I will certainly read the book you have recommended and have a proper look around.
Thank you again for taking the time to respond, I deeply, deeply appreciate it.
#95
Self-Help & Recovery / Re: Has anyone experienced inv...
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 13, 2025, 01:35:57 PMI've not experienced that but maybe others will be able to weigh in.
Given you only do in in private in the company of people who seem to be safe I do wonder whether you might think a little more about why you feel embarrassed and want to reduce it. I guess part of the answer may lie in how the other people have responded to this. On the face of things it seems like quite a helpful way of self-soothing. It also feels to me like maybe it is coming from a child place. The first thing I would try in such a situation if I wanted to stop the verbalising is to have something like a cuddly toy or soft blanket near to hand when thinking about difficult subjects. That might provide a level of comfort. If you are alone in the room and feel comfortable you might even try speaking softly to the toy, telling it your thoughts, since saying them quietly before you feel a need to call out might mean the calling is not necessary every time.
Given you only do in in private in the company of people who seem to be safe I do wonder whether you might think a little more about why you feel embarrassed and want to reduce it. I guess part of the answer may lie in how the other people have responded to this. On the face of things it seems like quite a helpful way of self-soothing. It also feels to me like maybe it is coming from a child place. The first thing I would try in such a situation if I wanted to stop the verbalising is to have something like a cuddly toy or soft blanket near to hand when thinking about difficult subjects. That might provide a level of comfort. If you are alone in the room and feel comfortable you might even try speaking softly to the toy, telling it your thoughts, since saying them quietly before you feel a need to call out might mean the calling is not necessary every time.
#96
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 13, 2025, 01:26:41 PMHello, and welcome. I'm in the UK too.
It sounds from what you have posted that there is trauma in the mix. Since you say you don't know what that trauma is, it could well be what a lot of people refer to as "small t trauma" as opposed to the more obvious "capital T trauma" such as violence, disasters accidents, war and so forth. When we suffer the former type of trauma, and when it comes from unexpected places (in my case a supposedly loving family), it is easy to overlook when thinking about trauma.
It might be worth discussing with your therapist exactly what approach they are using in your sessions. As you are concentrating on the present and how to manage that it is possible they are using a CBT approach. That has its place but many people here with long-standing CPTSD have not found it all that helpful. Once the healing process is well under way it probably is helpful for certain aspects but it sounds like you are right at the start and not yet clear on exactly what is going on. Don't worry - that's quite normal! There's other approaches, such as psychodynamic, that may be more suitable. Most good therapists will use a range of approaches to fit the client.
I'd recommend you maybe read a bit about CPTSD. Pete Walker's book "Complex CPTSD: from surviving to thriving" is the main book that switched on lightbulbs for loads of us here. That would be a good place to start if you have not yet read it. Have a good look around the forum and website here, too, as there is lots of information that might help you or strike a chord. Your description of your emotional experiences sounds very much like they are Emotional Flashbacks (called EFs around the forum) and those certainly stem from trauma. They are horrible and overwhelming but there are ways of managing them once you know how to recognise them. Pete Walker's book has a lot of helpful strategies.
I also want to say I totally understand your situation of things making logical sense but not making emotional sense. The number of times I have said this to my therapist are too many to count. That's OK. With persistence they will eventually make emotional sense, too, but if you don't currently have the emotional circuits necessary then they can't possibly make sense now. Building new circuits takes time and you need to be kind to yourself.
It sounds from what you have posted that there is trauma in the mix. Since you say you don't know what that trauma is, it could well be what a lot of people refer to as "small t trauma" as opposed to the more obvious "capital T trauma" such as violence, disasters accidents, war and so forth. When we suffer the former type of trauma, and when it comes from unexpected places (in my case a supposedly loving family), it is easy to overlook when thinking about trauma.
It might be worth discussing with your therapist exactly what approach they are using in your sessions. As you are concentrating on the present and how to manage that it is possible they are using a CBT approach. That has its place but many people here with long-standing CPTSD have not found it all that helpful. Once the healing process is well under way it probably is helpful for certain aspects but it sounds like you are right at the start and not yet clear on exactly what is going on. Don't worry - that's quite normal! There's other approaches, such as psychodynamic, that may be more suitable. Most good therapists will use a range of approaches to fit the client.
I'd recommend you maybe read a bit about CPTSD. Pete Walker's book "Complex CPTSD: from surviving to thriving" is the main book that switched on lightbulbs for loads of us here. That would be a good place to start if you have not yet read it. Have a good look around the forum and website here, too, as there is lots of information that might help you or strike a chord. Your description of your emotional experiences sounds very much like they are Emotional Flashbacks (called EFs around the forum) and those certainly stem from trauma. They are horrible and overwhelming but there are ways of managing them once you know how to recognise them. Pete Walker's book has a lot of helpful strategies.
I also want to say I totally understand your situation of things making logical sense but not making emotional sense. The number of times I have said this to my therapist are too many to count. That's OK. With persistence they will eventually make emotional sense, too, but if you don't currently have the emotional circuits necessary then they can't possibly make sense now. Building new circuits takes time and you need to be kind to yourself.
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - December 13, 2025, 12:33:18 PMAnd a friendly reminder to myself:
I am not mentally ill. I am having perfectly normal reactions to an abnormal upbringing.
There is nothing wrong with me. I can do this.
I am not mentally ill. I am having perfectly normal reactions to an abnormal upbringing.
There is nothing wrong with me. I can do this.
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - December 13, 2025, 12:31:08 PMQuote from: SenseOrgan on December 11, 2025, 07:58:10 PMOne question, if you don't mind. Is there really anything to forgive for being sensitive?That was a good point too, SO, thank you.
#99
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - December 13, 2025, 09:46:44 AMQuote from: Blueberry on December 13, 2025, 02:15:53 AMA warm welcome to the forum, abitbroken!
Thank you Blueberry
#100
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - December 13, 2025, 09:46:00 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on December 12, 2025, 08:54:34 PMHi, welcome.
What you describe resonates with a lot of people here. Feeling emotions primarily in the body, switching between a logical autopilot and overwhelm, and spending enormous energy managing thoughts and emotions are very common trauma adaptations, especially when emotions weren't safe, welcomed, or supported earlier on.
Something about your screen name stood out to me too. "Abitbroken" sounds like someone who knows something hurts, but is also minimizing it: not broken, just a bit. I used to say (and still sometimes do), "it wasn't that bad," "others had it worse," "I should be able to cope." That kind of minimizing is itself very common in trauma. One thing I read on this forum that really landed for me was this: if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad. Trauma isn't defined by what happened objectively, but by what the nervous system had to do to survive it.
I'm still learning about this myself, so I'm not trying to give advice, but from what you wrote, I recognize and resonate with many of the patterns you describe.
You're not broken. It sounds more like your system learned very effective ways to function under pressure or adverse conditions - logic, control, distraction - and now those strategies are exhausting you. The fact that this feels hard doesn't mean you're failing; it may mean you've been carrying too much for too long, largely on your own.
I'm really glad you reached out and found this forum - this community. You're not alone here.
Hi TheBigBlue - thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long response. It is incredibly helpful to hear that I am not the only one who feels like this - I find that every day is like a constant battle between feeling nothing, literally nothing, doing tasks, (logic / autopilot) pushing the "unhelpful" thoughts out of my head, trying to distract, be mindful (I struggle a lot with that), trying to hold it all together at work and then bracing for the "emotion" which is usually - well, the only word I can find to describe it is pain. Sometimes it feels annihilating and trying to label it as unexpressed emotion as I have been advised to - maybe lessens the duration - but it is still horrific and inside those waves it is so utterly lonely.
I am trying to accept that I have "trauma" (I don't know what) but I do feel like I am being a big baby and should be handling myself a lot better than I am - I think I am at the beginning of understanding any of this!
Hearing that I am not alone in experiencing some of these problems is relieving.. and also so terribly sad, as I would never wish anyone to EVER feel like this or have to live like this. It is exhausting and soul destroying.
I have started therapy - which I think has made things worse, almost like it has opened up something - and we haven't talked much about my life - just how I am feeling now, and trying to find ways to manage. It is just so tiring!
May I ask, has your experience of allowing this to land "if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad." helped you and how difficult / easy was it for it to actually be fully absorbed? I struggle with logically understanding things when they are explained by my therapist (oh ok that makes logical sense) - but they don't seem to sink in any further.
Also if it has sunk in, did that make things easier for you?
Sorry if the questions are silly and my post is repetitive, and thank you again for your reply
back at you