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#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 04:43:37 PMToday I'm thinking that me not feeling fery well and feeling faint after walking less than a 100m and having to sit down every little bit of walking is all stress induced 100% and having a weak heart to begin with, due to getting banned from the support forum for the conflict I created, because my system was already overloaded. I was already warned by gp to avoid overextortion and my system just couldn't take it and conflict at first cave me those sharp head pain on right side and it envolved into humming sound and having to hold the wall, so I wouldn't fall, when I bowed down to reach heater to turn it off. Pain stings happen each time I try to reach something farther away. I'm putting myself on bedrest for the time being and I have my gp appointment on the 2nd. I will call an ambulance if I feel any worse, but for now I'll rest.
Just in case. I don't belittle the other support forum I was in, in any way. I think it's just not the kind of place that is equipped to help people with cptsd. It's otherwise a wonderful forum and I'm forever grateful to them, even with this conflict due to how much they helped me to stay afloat.
This is what I wrote to the helpline person.
I think mostly what helped me cope was the forum itself, because I was afraid that when that support gets cut off, then I'll have to be by myself with my thoughts and the thought of that felt maddening.
Trauma tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity. For me the forum became a caring family and home, when no one else was there for me and why it became an important piece of my identity, when I didn't know who I was at all due to trauma blurring everything. You can't heal from trauma all alone. You need support, even if it's built on a shaky foundation.
It was accessible, anonymous and available 24/7. I wasn't a forum person before this at all as I barely was able to talk to others like I am now. I had such big anxiety that I couldn't even talk to staff withouth thinking that everything I say makes them hate me and I admired them very much. I started participate more, advice people and felt connected to them as they were going through similar things to me around identity. They asked me to become a forum moderator and at first being dissapointed that it was a moderator role as I mostly saw advisors giving advice in the forums, what I was doing too, then I become to love the role and seeing how important this role is, though I became a bit rigid with rules. I knew them by heart and it was hard to adjust lets say other place with bunch of younger people and being a co owner eventually there due to gaining so much trust. The rules and it all overall was chaotic, but I learned that I just have to go with the flow there.
Forum was my lifeline. Loosing the forum made me go through grief. I was feeling how my lips were tingling, it felt wrong to eat and I was crying a lot, but at the same time cutting that line helped me see my real identity better.
I often felt very alienated and different from other people and I had no in real life friends at least not in the same sense as there is online.
Recently though talking to the Discord friends feels like it's all akward and tense and I think it's just me. It's due to depression. I left one common server as it became overwhelming with so many kids for for some reason I couldn't relate to and it felt lonely.
Just in case. I don't belittle the other support forum I was in, in any way. I think it's just not the kind of place that is equipped to help people with cptsd. It's otherwise a wonderful forum and I'm forever grateful to them, even with this conflict due to how much they helped me to stay afloat.
This is what I wrote to the helpline person.
I think mostly what helped me cope was the forum itself, because I was afraid that when that support gets cut off, then I'll have to be by myself with my thoughts and the thought of that felt maddening.
Trauma tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity. For me the forum became a caring family and home, when no one else was there for me and why it became an important piece of my identity, when I didn't know who I was at all due to trauma blurring everything. You can't heal from trauma all alone. You need support, even if it's built on a shaky foundation.
It was accessible, anonymous and available 24/7. I wasn't a forum person before this at all as I barely was able to talk to others like I am now. I had such big anxiety that I couldn't even talk to staff withouth thinking that everything I say makes them hate me and I admired them very much. I started participate more, advice people and felt connected to them as they were going through similar things to me around identity. They asked me to become a forum moderator and at first being dissapointed that it was a moderator role as I mostly saw advisors giving advice in the forums, what I was doing too, then I become to love the role and seeing how important this role is, though I became a bit rigid with rules. I knew them by heart and it was hard to adjust lets say other place with bunch of younger people and being a co owner eventually there due to gaining so much trust. The rules and it all overall was chaotic, but I learned that I just have to go with the flow there.
Forum was my lifeline. Loosing the forum made me go through grief. I was feeling how my lips were tingling, it felt wrong to eat and I was crying a lot, but at the same time cutting that line helped me see my real identity better.
I often felt very alienated and different from other people and I had no in real life friends at least not in the same sense as there is online.
Recently though talking to the Discord friends feels like it's all akward and tense and I think it's just me. It's due to depression. I left one common server as it became overwhelming with so many kids for for some reason I couldn't relate to and it felt lonely.
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 04:24:29 PMQuote from: Chart on November 29, 2025, 04:14:30 PMRan, finding connection and understanding here on the forum was a game-changer. I believe this place has been the single most important element of the progress I've made over the last two years. I'm so very grateful. I think I understand exactly what you're also experiencing and I deeply deeply empathize.
It seems to me you are doing good honest work. I agree that this is the best path to change and ultimate healing. It's long, too long, and far far too hard. But I also believe we can do it. Having you and others around on this journey is helping beyond words.
Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and positive thoughts!
I'm glad it's helping. Reading other people's experiences here is very much helping me as well. I think it's because of being able to relate to it all. It makes me feel less invisible.
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - November 29, 2025, 04:14:30 PMRan, finding connection and understanding here on the forum was a game-changer. I believe this place has been the single most important element of the progress I've made over the last two years. I'm so very grateful. I think I understand exactly what you're also experiencing and I deeply deeply empathize.
It seems to me you are doing good honest work. I agree that this is the best path to change and ultimate healing. It's long, too long, and far far too hard. But I also believe we can do it. Having you and others around on this journey is helping beyond words.
Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and positive thoughts!
It seems to me you are doing good honest work. I agree that this is the best path to change and ultimate healing. It's long, too long, and far far too hard. But I also believe we can do it. Having you and others around on this journey is helping beyond words.
Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and positive thoughts!
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: Allie's Archives: a recov...
Last post by Chart - November 29, 2025, 04:08:58 PMAlliematt, Cptsd kicks my butt. I've basically done nothing all week. I've "rested". I too feel guilty. My daughter went off to school yesterday morning and I didn't even get out of bed. Trauma is an "energivore" it takes our little surplus energy and devours it like a ravenous monster. I've yet to find ANY short-term solution for this. For long-term healing work and energy related issues I believe in vagus nerve work. It's slow. But for me, it's having an effect. Just my two-cents. So sorry you're struggling. Sending support and hugs.
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - November 29, 2025, 03:59:49 PMIt's amazing Chart, how much you understand. Yes, we've had to learn the hard way. (And I had a relationship with a decent man way back when I just didn't have the faintest idea of what was going on with me so that sadly didn't work out at all either.) And we just didn't know any better back then. But we're learning, that's what's most important.
And my brother definitely has a good heart and lots of good traits like honesty, loyalty, remarkable observational skills, marvellous creativity etc.
And my brother definitely has a good heart and lots of good traits like honesty, loyalty, remarkable observational skills, marvellous creativity etc.
#97
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Outside my own head
Last post by Desert Flower - November 29, 2025, 03:51:38 PMHi Ladyboar, I just wanted to say I can totally understand you being so triggered by losing your beloved cat (let alone your M behaving the way she does). Not so long ago, I had to let our guinea pig go and that triggered me big time as well.
I hope the support of the people here will help you like it is helping me.
Take care
I hope the support of the people here will help you like it is helping me.
Take care
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Chart - November 29, 2025, 03:49:37 PMMy ex was(is) solidly autistic. She'd own up to it herself, but boy I sure couldn't point it out to her... I've learned that any relationship with someone on the autistic spectrum is going to entail a certain amount of "drawbacks". Yet I also find a LOT of positives in autistic/asperger personality types. When I come to think about it, this goes for pretty much everyone, only autistic spectrum folks are easily categorized because of the commonality of their behaviors. But every relationship have elements that are easier or harder for me to deal with so I actually regret a lot of the things about my ex that I didn't adapt to with the time I had. Looking back, I think if I'd been aware of my trauma I might've been able to distinguish and adapt far better than I ended up doing. Sadly it was just an insanely intense learning experience. Such is life...
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 03:17:40 PMQuote from: Chart on November 29, 2025, 01:23:55 PMHey Ran, take your time with the Forum. It is many things, but always striving towards healthy interactions and positive relationships, even when things are really really hard. I totally agree with TheBigBlue. Take your time here and everywhere. You are very brave. I'm trying to get away from expecting my life to begin when I finally reach a certain level of healing. I'm trying to realize that I am living my life right now. Sometimes that's depressing because I imagine that since it's always been this way, it's also likely to not change. But I know that's false. But pain is so dominating, but things are changing.
Sending support and hugs if that's ok, Chart.
Thank you Chart. Hugs are always okay with me.
I'll try my best. I'm still very much in the beginning, but I want to get better as it affects my relationships and it's one thing that helps me cope with everything. If I didn't found my own support places, then it would have been much more difficult.
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: Allie's Archives: a recov...
Last post by alliematt - November 29, 2025, 02:59:03 PMToday it is all about the guilt. My son has just hauled out the Christmas tree.
I've eaten too many carbs already (I'm type 2 diabetic and am having a hard time lately with my blood sugar)
Both husband and i are on the screens too much.
He's doing the dishes, which he does not mind doing. I feel guilty because when he does stuff like doing the dishes, it makes me think that I'm not doing my share.
I'm still in bathrobe and PJs. Lazy.
I need to put away the laundry. It's still down here in the living room.
And I need to plan meals but meal planning when you're already exhausted and overwhelmed is just too hard. EVERYTHING IS TOO HARD.
I've eaten too many carbs already (I'm type 2 diabetic and am having a hard time lately with my blood sugar)
Both husband and i are on the screens too much.
He's doing the dishes, which he does not mind doing. I feel guilty because when he does stuff like doing the dishes, it makes me think that I'm not doing my share.
I'm still in bathrobe and PJs. Lazy.
I need to put away the laundry. It's still down here in the living room.
And I need to plan meals but meal planning when you're already exhausted and overwhelmed is just too hard. EVERYTHING IS TOO HARD.