Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by Hope67 - July 03, 2025, 02:42:49 PMHi StartingHealing,
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.
I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.
Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.
I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.
Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - July 03, 2025, 01:15:30 AMJuly 2 2025
I had a whole thing I was going to write and poof! Guess maybe that means I should just wing it? Long weekend ahead which is nice. Not really gonna go anywhere or do anything. I do have some steaks tho. I think I have a pair of binoculars if I want to see the various municipalities fireworks. At the moment I'm enjoying a nice tipple and considering what else I should / need to do this evening.
My mentor mentioned that another layer {lordy I hope it's more than one} of that onion peeled off. Frustrated with disparate things, like the hanging situation in regards to former spouse and alimony. She could go back into court to demand more $$. The other section of that is I co-signed on a car with her 1st born. Which I think.. well without going back through my older posts, lets just say he has a LOT of his momma in him. While his momma is active BPD [at least], he's more of the quiet type. Many of the same behaviors which has not held him in good stead. He's got him a gf and moved in with her in a different state. The bozo is .. hang on have to math .. 40 this year. Seems in some ways as a continuation of f-ery from the former spouse because she was the one that pressured me into co-signing for that digit. I could go in to my bank and refi that rig today no problem. Him on the other hand.. yeah playing the victim doesn't work real well with financial matters. ahem. Long long long history of bad decisions. He's also "moving" in stages. which really chafes.
Then add in the realization of the crapola I went through as a wee one with the whole situation around that...
I know that I will get through. I do pretty good at keeping my air addiction going. It will get better.
Wishing all here all the best
Then, there is f-ery from work. In Nov 2024, big meeting, had folks from high up in the org, let us know that the plan is to shut down the site in X months yada, yada, yada, they then offered me retention pay, paid quarterly after the quarter was over, with the understanding that I would ride the thing into the ground. Basically I'd be almost the last one out. Fine, I'm taking the $$$ which basically makes up for the alimony that is garnished from my regular check. So that's good equalization there. Then another meeting last week (no higher ups) in which the shut down got extended for another 9 months. Tell me you don't know what your doing without telling me you don't know what your doing. Sheesh.
Then there is what I believe to be the physical aftereffects of the stress / strain that I was under from the former spouse. Speaking of I prolly should check my BP again. My back is still not cooperating in going back into place and staying there. Next year I will have outlived my genetic parents by a decade. How's that for messed up? Yeah well, maternal drank herself to death and paternal all that I can find is heart issues. Course back in the late 1960's didn't have the forensics that exists today on the actual cause for the paternal burning in as early as he did. According the information I have access to, both his parent's lived well into their 90's, and he was maybe 1/2 way there.
I had a whole thing I was going to write and poof! Guess maybe that means I should just wing it? Long weekend ahead which is nice. Not really gonna go anywhere or do anything. I do have some steaks tho. I think I have a pair of binoculars if I want to see the various municipalities fireworks. At the moment I'm enjoying a nice tipple and considering what else I should / need to do this evening.
My mentor mentioned that another layer {lordy I hope it's more than one} of that onion peeled off. Frustrated with disparate things, like the hanging situation in regards to former spouse and alimony. She could go back into court to demand more $$. The other section of that is I co-signed on a car with her 1st born. Which I think.. well without going back through my older posts, lets just say he has a LOT of his momma in him. While his momma is active BPD [at least], he's more of the quiet type. Many of the same behaviors which has not held him in good stead. He's got him a gf and moved in with her in a different state. The bozo is .. hang on have to math .. 40 this year. Seems in some ways as a continuation of f-ery from the former spouse because she was the one that pressured me into co-signing for that digit. I could go in to my bank and refi that rig today no problem. Him on the other hand.. yeah playing the victim doesn't work real well with financial matters. ahem. Long long long history of bad decisions. He's also "moving" in stages. which really chafes.
Then add in the realization of the crapola I went through as a wee one with the whole situation around that...
I know that I will get through. I do pretty good at keeping my air addiction going. It will get better.
Wishing all here all the best
Then, there is f-ery from work. In Nov 2024, big meeting, had folks from high up in the org, let us know that the plan is to shut down the site in X months yada, yada, yada, they then offered me retention pay, paid quarterly after the quarter was over, with the understanding that I would ride the thing into the ground. Basically I'd be almost the last one out. Fine, I'm taking the $$$ which basically makes up for the alimony that is garnished from my regular check. So that's good equalization there. Then another meeting last week (no higher ups) in which the shut down got extended for another 9 months. Tell me you don't know what your doing without telling me you don't know what your doing. Sheesh.
Then there is what I believe to be the physical aftereffects of the stress / strain that I was under from the former spouse. Speaking of I prolly should check my BP again. My back is still not cooperating in going back into place and staying there. Next year I will have outlived my genetic parents by a decade. How's that for messed up? Yeah well, maternal drank herself to death and paternal all that I can find is heart issues. Course back in the late 1960's didn't have the forensics that exists today on the actual cause for the paternal burning in as early as he did. According the information I have access to, both his parent's lived well into their 90's, and he was maybe 1/2 way there.
#23
General Discussion / Re: Autism or CPTSD?
Last post by Kizzie - July 02, 2025, 07:57:20 PMI read up on this and found this one sentence kind of says it best: "Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that presents in early childhood, whereas CPTSD is a mental health condition that emerges after exposure to complex trauma".
This is not to say you don't have autism though, the two can co-occur according to what I read. Just Google something to the effect "Are autism and CPTSD the same thing?" and lots of info will pop up.
This is not to say you don't have autism though, the two can co-occur according to what I read. Just Google something to the effect "Are autism and CPTSD the same thing?" and lots of info will pop up.
#24
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: self-hatred and annoyed wi...
Last post by Kizzie - July 02, 2025, 07:51:04 PMIt may be that your current therapist is not the one for you. It does happen and you are well within your rights to look for another one that sits you better and that you feel you are making progress with.
It could also be that you are irritated with yourself and them because there is something big bubbling up. If you have a think or I guess a feel of what's going on and that might be it then maybe you should stay and see if you can get to the bottom of things?
IMO it's about you helping you find the help you need, whatever that may be.
It could also be that you are irritated with yourself and them because there is something big bubbling up. If you have a think or I guess a feel of what's going on and that might be it then maybe you should stay and see if you can get to the bottom of things?
IMO it's about you helping you find the help you need, whatever that may be.
#25
Emotional Abuse / Re: grief
Last post by Kizzie - July 02, 2025, 07:46:41 PMEverything you have written tells me what happened to you was not in any way "small". Abuse is abuse no matter how seemingly innocuous or small it seems. If the actions of another tells you you are not worth much, that you can be treated as nothing, that you are shameful, and so on, it was abusive. I suspect if you go back over what you wrote about and try to see the underlying messages, you'll see what I'm saying.
Something we often say here because newcomers often feel like it wasn't that bad is "If you have the symptoms of Complex PTSD, it really was that bad". You did not get what you needed and deserved as a child, the same as the rest of us here.
Something we often say here because newcomers often feel like it wasn't that bad is "If you have the symptoms of Complex PTSD, it really was that bad". You did not get what you needed and deserved as a child, the same as the rest of us here.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by sanmagic7 - July 02, 2025, 08:32:33 AMyeah, it sounds like a lot 
NK. dang. i do hope he gets an air tag (i just looked it up, sounds like it would be perfect for this situation). seems like you've been living w/in no sense of safety, which, in my mind, completely warrants that 'tantrum' - a lot of feelings associated w/ feeling unsafe. EF sounds just about right for the situation as well. and then you had to be the responsible one, do a search and find the keys in order to restore a sense of safety, take care of it all yourself. there's a lot there to process.
i do hope he gets one and it eases this problem.
and, congratulations on your therapy progress. the fact that you can now manage some things you weren't able to before is wonderful. keep up the good work, ok? love and hugs
NK. dang. i do hope he gets an air tag (i just looked it up, sounds like it would be perfect for this situation). seems like you've been living w/in no sense of safety, which, in my mind, completely warrants that 'tantrum' - a lot of feelings associated w/ feeling unsafe. EF sounds just about right for the situation as well. and then you had to be the responsible one, do a search and find the keys in order to restore a sense of safety, take care of it all yourself. there's a lot there to process.i do hope he gets one and it eases this problem.
and, congratulations on your therapy progress. the fact that you can now manage some things you weren't able to before is wonderful. keep up the good work, ok? love and hugs
#27
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / self-hatred and annoyed with t...
Last post by em87 - July 02, 2025, 12:49:05 AMTwo things, I still kind of hate myself and I'm annoyed with therapy.
- these things feed into each other a bit. just that thought of why am I even in therapy if I'm not really learning anything new. and my therapist today completely disengaged at some point.
- my therapist talked about how I don't have to seek external validation, but then how do I make meaning of my experience without sharing it? because it's deemed 'small' in the context of trauma. what's the point of making myself miserable if I'm still not 'fixed'?
and no, I don't expect my therapist to fix me. I feel like I'm close to remembering something but I'm stuck.
- these things feed into each other a bit. just that thought of why am I even in therapy if I'm not really learning anything new. and my therapist today completely disengaged at some point.
- my therapist talked about how I don't have to seek external validation, but then how do I make meaning of my experience without sharing it? because it's deemed 'small' in the context of trauma. what's the point of making myself miserable if I'm still not 'fixed'?
and no, I don't expect my therapist to fix me. I feel like I'm close to remembering something but I'm stuck.
#28
Medication / Re: considering starting meds ...
Last post by Kizzie - July 01, 2025, 08:02:24 PMSo sorry to hear it's taking some time for the psychiatrist to respond, I know how difficult that is.
#29
Medication / Re: considering starting meds ...
Last post by asdis - July 01, 2025, 07:13:26 PMIt is really hard to get in to see one. We've had a lot of bad luck with psychs, the first one we had retired as we graduated high school and that was the first time we went off meds after starting them. After that, a lot of psychs just trying to medicate the trauma away. Theoretically if we found another telehealth psych company we might see one sooner, but we can't use several of those services (or a handful of in-person ones) due to insurance revoking coverage once the sessions added up to $1000-ish, and every time we confirmed prior to starting services that insurance would cover them. It's one of the reasons we were dropped by our last psych.
It's been a week since we reached out to the psych our therapist found, and we're getting nervous because we haven't even received a waitlist or rejection email/call/text. We know it hasn't been very long, but it's still giving us a lot of anxiety.
It's been a week since we reached out to the psych our therapist found, and we're getting nervous because we haven't even received a waitlist or rejection email/call/text. We know it hasn't been very long, but it's still giving us a lot of anxiety.
#30
General Discussion / Re: Getting Worse The Older I ...
Last post by storyworld - July 01, 2025, 06:22:33 PMI wonder if, also, the weight of your current life phase might be contributing to your feelings of overwhelm. Transitioning from college to the career world can be incredibly overwhelming, for all people. Therefore, I'd expect it to feel even more challenging for someone with CPTSD. This is a really, really big transitional period. That said, congrats on nearing the end of your academic career! That's an accomplishment!