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#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Forging New Paths
Last post by Blueberry - March 24, 2024, 06:23:48 PM
Thank you NK and Armee!

Yes, I might share how it's going for me, Armee, though a lot of that may also end up on real paper in my notebook. Wrote 5 or 6 pages yesterday. But yes I may write general trends and progress on here or maybe in my mbr journal. I'll see.

______________

The following maybe belongs in Sleep or Medication but as I think it's more self-reflection than discussion, I'm putting it here.

I'm back on Quetiapin half-dosage, so about 12mg, for sleep problems. Now instead of lying awake half the night reading in bed/doing crosswords or sitting at computer and then not being able to get up in the morning due to 3-4 hours sleep, I take my dosage anytime between 8 and 10pm, fall asleep shortly after (certainly before midnight), tend to wake up round about 7am but really groggy and fall asleep again and get up sometime in the afternoon. I'm so tired and sleepy, I don't know if I got up and took my 2 different day meds or not. My brain is too fuzzy to even know what those are.

One of the reasons psych doc put me back on Quetiapin (after I gave up on them myself after misunderstanding that they were only for really bad phases - they're not, they're for every night) was the amount of depression I feel - no goals, no reason to get up, no reason to live, no reason to do anything, except lie in bed and doze and read. But it seems I'm doing that with these meds too, just a lot more dozing and sleeping than reading. On top of that, my anxiety is up and my dreams are more anxiety-filled than normal. In my dream a couple of nights ago I had somebody spending the night who couldn't look after herself and it is somebody I care about tho not FOO, she disappeared and instead of looking for her properly and/or letting the police/SAR know, I went back to bed and thought I'd deal with it in the morning and by then it was too late :aaauuugh:   The dream is following me around now, sequels.

I'm wondering if it's worth it. My anti-deps Citalopram seem to have no bad effects on me, nor do my pills for low thyroid. So it's worth taking them obviously, though I'm not sure if I did today. I'm just not big on putting chemicals in my body especially since sometimes the side-effects are what the drugs are supposed to get rid of. At least, that was my experience with an itchy skin medication - it was so bad on a public holiday I had to go to Emergency. Yes, it's not very scientific to base my idea on side-effects on one example. There are other side-effects to Quetiapin, for me anyway, like shaking a little. On Friday I did get up in the afternoon and do some stuff like go to a funeral and I was weak on my feet and a bit shaky. Not because the deceased person was so close to me, she wasn't.

Anyway, I'm going to try to get hold of my previous GP who is more or less retired and see if he can't suggest something better for me, something natural, which I could then discuss with psych doc. My previous GP would also find it very important to discuss why I'm not sleeping, why I don't seem to want to fall asleep. Much bigger picture than throw some medicine down the hatch. If necessary, yes! - like my thyroid meds. He will probably remember that my body reacts overly-strongly to some stuff. When I was inpatient the psych nurses regularly handed out 20 drops of something I've forgotten the name of or maybe just 10 drops to try out - something soothing for when you're agitated. I felt pushed into taking it once actually and more or less fell into bed after taking it. I did sleep but with full-on nightmares. I would rather have been awake and sorting through what had happened in my head. They did put a note in my file about not giving me much again. I took it once more when I really couldn't sleep but said - 2 drops max. Those 2 drops worked. Here they try and stop me sorting things through in my head - ruminating, brooding. But maybe that's just part of who I am rather than something to be got rid of? I started really early as a child due to what was happening in FOO - wondering "Why me? Why don't my parents want me?" etc. Nowadays I think I often do ruminate myself into a solution of sorts, so it's not so bad really. Especially better than taking psycho chemicals with unhelpful side-effects.

Anyway, enough on that. My thinking processes are slowed down too. But I will go and do today's course work. I suppose it's possible that the course work is having an affect on me already and that's tiring.
#92
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2024
Last post by Papa Coco - March 24, 2024, 06:01:12 PM
Hope,

I'm happy to hear you've gotten some energy to accomplish some things. That's great news.

#93
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Papa Coco - March 24, 2024, 05:54:41 PM
NarcKiddo,

I apologize for this, but I was laughing through most of this post. Not maliciously, but in agreement. OH MY GOSH!  You are describing a typical Narcissistic Den of thieves.

In Basic Narcissism 101 (No such college course: But I've read several books on how Narcissists work and this is true in every book I've ever read on the topic), that how it works is a narcissist sits at the top. That N then builds a team by testing people until they know who will be snitches and who won't. The snitches are then called "Flying Monkeys" who confuse fear with loyalty. They're so afraid of being victimized by their leader that they become undyingly loyal to them as a way of being safe. Maybe this is sort of like fawning? What happens next is these Flying Monkeys, and the victims that they lord over, live lives of pointing fingers, making excuses, and just simply doing EVERYTHING in their power to shield their Narcissistic authority figure from having to take any blame for their behaviors. The most common attributes in a Narcissist-led community are: Chaos; Finger Pointing; Tattling; Lying; Betrayal; Starting and fostering a lifelong treadmill of little sub-wars within the group.

I'm sorry that your FOO is like it is, but mine was the same way, so I truly know how it feels. I'm impressed by your stance. You are taking it in stride. Nothing they've done has surprised you. I was given no choice but to go 100% No Contact with my FOO, but I didn't have the healthy understanding of who they are like you have with your family.

You are someone I look up to because of your ability to see the truth and deal with it. I see a stability in you that I didn't have when I was still connected with my FOO.

So I laughed as I read. Mostly because I'm impressed by you. My laughter was a compliment to you.

Keep up the good work, my friend!
#94
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - March 24, 2024, 05:30:42 PM
Dolly and NarcKiddo,I've used your calorie counting post to begin paying attention again. I have had great success with calorie counting. Three times I've lost 60 pounds in 60 days by doing 5 things:
    1) Limiting myself to 1,800 calories per day,
    2) Eating very little white carbs and zero sugar
    3) Eating 0 anything with High Fructose ANYTHING in its ingredient list
    4) Limiting sodium to the maximum daily intake of 1/4 teaspoon (2000 MGs) per day (As is recommended by the experts) and
    5) Walking 10,000 steps at 5 mph each day.(Knee arthritis has taken this off the list, but that's okay. Walking only accounted for about 2% of my weight loss)

I'm using your posts as a reminder that I can do this again. The problem for me is...I gain it all right back when I lose the mood to care anymore. The trick, for me, is finding a purpose in life that makes me feel like I'm valued and connected. If I feel valued, I feel like taking care of myself. When I feel like I'm unwelcome on the earth, I grab for ice cream and chocolate and high calorie fatty meats.

Hope and Woodsgnome, Yes. The IFS is the most helpful thing I've found yet. Woodsgnome, I do believe that each of us responds differently to different therapies, so I totally get what you're saying about how IFS doesn't resonate with you. There are so many roads to travel, that finding the one that's right for you is the one to follow.

IFS is working for me, so I'll keep on with it until something better comes along.

The books I've begun reading lately are highly enlightening. The Artist's Way, The Seat of the Soul, The Body Keeps the Score, An Intro to IFS, and now the newest book, The Others Within Us are making a powerful change in how I see the world. And I'm feeling more open to new concepts and new realities all the time.

I just finished The Others Within Us. I'm absolutely dumbfounded. I'm a fresh new believer now in energy work. I thought it was just a novelty up until now--even though I have been told by people all my life long that my touch brings them peace and healing.

As a person with CPTSD it's easy for me to say that a thousand compliments mean nothing while one insult destroys me. It didn't help me to know that I could bring peace to people by simply putting a hand on their back or forehead. My ability to ignore positive information made sure that no matter how many people told me I had value, I continued to believe I had none.

But the research and long history of success by these writer/teachers like Falconer, Schwartz, van der Kolk and Zukav have finally gotten through to me that residual trauma can be dealt with. Falconer really brought home the use of energy work. I'm finally a believer in something I have been practicing for decades. Finally. 

The trick for me today is I want to find a genuine energy worker who puts their gift ahead of their ego so that their energy work is more potent and actually works. I'm checking in with my massage therapist who is always learning about energy work. We'll talk next week. She says she has three or four skills that might help me. We need to talk about what I'm hoping to accomplish, and then we'll decide on which skill to try on me. She's a gifted massage therapist, and she's always been able to feel my energy while performing massage. It's time I give her the chance to forgo the massage and focus only on the energy work. Can't hurt to try, right?

Falconer said a few things that really made sense. One is about addiction. He and several other experts have come to believe that the opposite of addiction is not so much sobriety as; the opposite of addiction is connection. This is something I'll study and research now, but it makes sense: SOME people are born with the addiction gene, but most of us who fall into addictions do so because we feel lonely and disconnected. He has experienced many healings in his decades of IFS work that proved to him that when patients work through their IFS parts, and start to feel the bonding again within their parts and then out in the world that their sense of loneliness diminishes and with it, their addictions fall away also.

I'll work on this concept for a while, but after reading this, I feel like it really makes sense.  When I was in AA I could see the difference between the alcoholics who were born with the gene and those who, like me, just drank out of self pity until we finally became addicted. It was far easier for those of us with emotional addiction to quit drinking. Those who were from long lines of genetic alcoholics struggle a lot more with sobriety. For people like me, I can easily see that it was the feeling of loneliness and being unwelcome on Earth that lead me to self-medicating through cigarettes, then alcohol, then TV, sugar, fat, and Amazon shopping.

I'm pretty happy to keep going with this parts work because it's really helping me feel like I'm becoming whole. I'm not so fragmented within myself anymore. As I feel whole within, I'm starting to feel connected on the outside too. As I feel more and more connected, which is the same as less and less lonely, maybe my addictive search for love in sugar, fat, and TV will diminish in its power over me.

I've decided to go crazy:
Because of my newfound understanding of energy work, and of parts work, especially the parts that came into us at birth or through other means, like sexual abuse, humiliation, and a life of being dissociated, I'm making a new statement for myself. As of right now, I'm open to anything. Tell me you're an alien. I'll believe it. Tell me you have a Sasquatch living in your basement. I'll believe it. No more putting my self-image into the box of physical science only. I've been a believer in a loving Universe that connects all of us, but I've held back on things that open me up to ridicule. Physical science can't explain far too many things I've witnessed and felt throughout my life, so why do I limit myself to believing physical science can answer anything?

Science wasn't working for me anyway. I think that after 8 therapists, all the various medications I've been given, all the talk therapy and massage and Ketamine Infusions and self-help books and science, science, science I've been participating in have NOT fixed me, so why do I keep believing they will? I'm like the gambling addict who has lost everything but still believes the next roll of the dice will fix him. Einstein's description of insanity is in play here. He's the one who said that the act of doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result is insanity. Science and psychotherapy and medication sustained me but didn't cure me. So, do I just keep doing it? No. I'm going to change directions and try some new, less culturally safe, practices. I'm opening myself up to public ridicule, but perhaps that's just the price to pay for not doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

I've lived my entire life holding secrets about my beliefs and private experiences because I was so terrified of public ridicule. Public ridicule imprisoned me and I want out. I just want to finally be ME!

I'm officially open to all ideas now. Aliens. Sasquatch. Demon possession. God. All these things I've been foofooing for decades are now on the table and I'm exploring them. What have I to lose that I haven't already lost through science?
#95
Advocacy / Re: Continuation of Repairing...
Last post by Lakelynn - March 24, 2024, 04:03:00 PM
Quote from: Dante on March 18, 2024, 03:35:41 AMWhen I make a mistake, I own it. I don't let them think it's their fault when I'm messed up.

This right here is the answer going forward with our families and ourselves. We have in our homes a whole new generation that is forming their view of the world.

I suspect as adults we will continue to struggle with expectations, apologies and repair, the consequences of their harm and the way it continues to show up unexpectedly or the way we try to contain it by changing OUR behavior. It is a different issue entirely to view our children and grandchildren. A true opportunity. 

#96
Family / Re: Hate them? Love them?
Last post by Lakelynn - March 24, 2024, 03:26:03 PM
Quote from: woodsgnome on March 19, 2024, 06:24:59 PMhave come to regard my time with them as just a temporary journey where we somehow ended up on the wrong bus together.

I really like that perspectve woodsgnome.

Blueberry, I am always gratified when people laugh at my invented words.

NarcKiddo, I agree that indifference is the opposite of love. A true disconnection and separation. Hatred still binds.
#97
General Discussion / Grief: Angering out felt abusi...
Last post by Cascade - March 24, 2024, 02:35:36 PM
Hi Group,
Has anyone else felt like an abuser while healthily angering out?

In From Surviving to Thriving, Pete Walker outlines grieving as healing through four practices:
  • angering
  • crying
  • verbal ventilating
  • feeling

During my first deliberate, structured attempt at this yesterday (on my own), all four of these processes occurred.  Yay!... that's a good thing, right?  I angered using a rolled up towel on some propped-up pillows.  It was more physically demanding than expected, lol.  I beat the * outta those pillows, imaging them as my father and hitting them as he once hit me.  I felt a little bit "bad," though, doing that "to him."  I didn't want to be doing the same thing as he did.  In the moment, I pushed that sensation away and kept going.

Walking up this morning, I still felt shameful about my "physically abusive" actions.  I don't want to feel better by doing abusive things, thinking abusive thoughts.  Logically, I know I wasn't being abusive to anyone or even to him.  It was a towel on pillows, for cryin' out loud!  I'm still left with a sense of "perpetrating," though.  To my body, it felt that way.

On the flip side, I also woke this morning with the ball of anxiety in my gut nearly completely gone.  Maybe something "good" did happen.  Has anyone else been through anything similar?

So confused,
   -Cascade
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - March 24, 2024, 01:14:03 PM
I see I haven't posted in this particular journal this year. I've mainly been posting about medical issues in the more private journal area, but for some reason I felt I wanted to post here today.

I've been having medical investigations since October for symptoms that could be put down to any number of issues. I now have a diagnosis for a serious condition that could have been life-threatening if left to fester. And the symptoms were such that it could fairly easily have been left. I am lucky that it is actually curable with drugs and that I discovered it in time. It will take a while but I will get there.

I have kept the medical investigations secret from my parents (supposedly) but did tell a sibling. Those who have seen my other journal will know that my sibling broke my confidence and told our parents. Sibling denies having done so and FOO is going through a big round of arse covering right now, since all parties know they are not supposed to know.

I would never tell my sibling anything that I was not prepared to have the family know. So it was a test, really, which sib failed. I expected that outcome and knew my mother would never in a million years be able to keep fully quiet. She did quite well, actually, but the length of time the investigations were taking meant she tipped her hand eventually.

I kept the investigations secret partly because I could not face the constant questioning of progress and barrage of "oh, my life is over" from mother. Telling sib was stupid of me because I got a full barrage of questioning from sib. I told sib because there is some serious illness going on in FOO and I was hoping for some support as I did not attend every FOO summons. Silly me. Sib was the worst of all in pushing demands on me. Probably at instigation of mother, but still.

I have now made the diagnosis public to FOO. I toyed with the idea of not telling them, but my treatment will take a long time and I will possibly have to drop things at short notice for hospital summonses. Plus I just want to feel able to take care of myself with an explanation that even FOO will understand. Constantly fending off demands on me without an obvious "excuse" is just too hard. So I took the opportunity to make it clear I have boundaries around my ongoing health situation and that I will be enforcing them.

So far the reaction has been OK. I expected that. Past experience tells me that the reaction will likely get more tiresome as time passes, which is why I made it clear there are boundaries. When they are challenged I will have a document I can point to, saying "you were told xyz will/will not be happening".

What has been quite amusing is some of the family arse covering. Sib took the opportunity to deny, again, that my confidence was broken and to clarify that sib would not be telling parents that sib knew all along. FOO is clearly planning to hold the line. Mother has not so far confirmed in terms that sib broke  my confidence but I think that will happen in time. And it does not matter to me whether the truth comes out or not. What was interesting is that father seemed to feel the need to hold the family line by telling me the news was not a huge surprise because I have been looking ill for some time. I think this was meant to cover up the slip my mother made a couple of weeks ago which alerted me that my sibling had broken my confidence. She asked me on a very flimsy pretext if I was having medical appointments. I ignored the question and sib rushed to cover up.

The thing is that I have not been looking ill at all. Nor have I been acting ill around FOO. It is simply not safe to do so and I have since early childhood avoided giving any signal of vulnerability I am able to suppress. I have in the past been out to lunch with them in a restaurant while having a gallbladder attack and heart palpitations and hidden it completely successfully!

If my mother had the slightest chance of saying I looked ill she would have taken it in order to push me to admit to the medical investigations. Every time I have seen my father he has commented on how well I look. He may have hoped this would nudge me to say "oh, well, actually I am not all that well..." but it is a bit bonkers now to claim they all thought I looked ill but didn't like to say anything. Surely it would be quite normal and acceptable to say "Hey, NK, I don't think you look all that well. Are you OK?" Except of course they were burdened with knowledge of the investigations they were not supposed to know about and probably thought that is not a question they should ask. Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

And yes, on that note, I am the one who started the deception. It was not purely for my own benefit, though. The reason I asked sib not to tell parents was not purely to test loyalty. That was already firmly in doubt. It was to spare me the constant angst but also to spare them the constant angst of what was going on with me given my father's major health issues.

I'm not really sure why I wanted to write all of that, and write it here. Make of it what you will!
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: Forging New Paths
Last post by Armee - March 24, 2024, 12:27:20 PM
I won't discuss my agreement with you about sharing paid content. 😉

But I will say whatever you feel like sharing about how it's going personally for you, I'd love to read and gain inspiration from. Gentle support, no judgement or shoulds here. Your "why not!" card made me smile.   
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: dollyvee's recovery journa...
Last post by dollyvee - March 24, 2024, 12:18:52 PM
Thanks NK - it's funny to think how much of a protection mechanism it is to "work hard," and not even realize that that's what it is. It was such a prized attribute in my family too. But I guess I can see it as a form of control too, the always having to do something to (maybe) be a step ahead for whatever impending doom is about to come, in relationships and life. I can also see how maybe that "impending doom" is generational though I'm not entirely sure how to handle that yet. Well, I tried in my IFS before I think but maybe I need to build my trust in Self first. I hope you're enjoying the sunshine too.
____________________
It did come down to me feeling like the "stuff" wasn't all mine when we discussed the feeling of the knot and the caged animal metaphor came up. I said that this sort of frozen feeling, or being stuck (?), is when I start feeling like this has to do with other people in my family and goes back to their views of how unsafe the world is/was etc. I guess maybe I'm carrying that too. When I had the reaction to this person the other day, there were people around that I don't see as "safe," or are competitive and I think maybe that had something to do with wanting to push someone away.

What's interesting too, is that this zoomer part had to take on, or there was an element of men thinking she was stupid, dumb blonde etc. So, maybe this competitive 'guy' energy triggered that part as well? I'm not really sure how people don't get triggered by blatant sexism/wanting freedom and independence from that, but I think that's a theme in my life and the women in my FOO's as well. They were in controlling, jealous relationships and I'm trying to avoid that at all costs. Maybe this is another theme that I'm playing out, and or projecting. Am I testing this person to see if they're going to be jealous and controlling, and not telling them that I've been on my phone because of work etc as they had done with me? (I wrote that and got the sensation of likmaid (how do I even remember that name?) which is a sugar/candy thing I used to eat all the time when I was young (7 and younger). It reminds me very much of the time I lived with my m and probably pre sf where I was on my own a lot and used to ride to the 7-11 to buy candy. Maybe when we lived at sf's house too, which was only a street away from our old house. I very rarely have visceral memories of that time. If I think about it, this is probably around the time I really had to start shutting down my emotions because of my m's behaviour and then because of my sf's. Enjoying this was probably a treat. Maybe it was from an even younger age as well.)

I would like to feel compassion for this person beyond whatever stuff is going on with me too.