Exploring Shame

[Hope67]

I've been meaning to read a book I have called 'Unshame' by Carolyn Spring - I think that's the name and the author, and I had the book for a while.  But I have found it difficult to start the book. 

Now, I try to find the book, and I can't even find where I've put it.

I'm wondering if there is a part of me that is reluctant for me to look at and explore my shame.  I know I carry shame, and I do feel it sometimes, very heavily.  But I also acknowledge that there's a part of me that tries not to let me feel it, or even look into it.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this now, just to say this.  I hope to find the book.  I hope to read and explore the concept of shame, and explore my own shame.

If anyone has read this book, I'm hoping it was helpful - please do comment if you want to.  I hope to read it - when I finally find it.

I feel exasperated not to even know where to start looking.  It's so hot (weather-wise) at the moment as well. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Whilst I was in this section of the forum, writing this, I noticed that I'd written this in reply to SharpandBlunt, in another part, and I wanted to quote it here:

I am aware that I have tried to put forward what must seem like a 'shiny' side of myself in many situations in my life, but that underneath I feel as if I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself at many levels - I carry shame and I carry dislike with me - and therefore I wonder how authentic I can be, when carrying those things.  But I try not to show those things to other people, because I am ashamed of them.  So I guess that is feeling 'exposed' but trying to carry on anyway.

You mentioned that in order to survive you have had to develop a large measure of denial - I think that's a protective thing, and I've done that too.

If I find the book I'm seeking about 'Shame' I hope to write more in this thread - if it feels ok to do so, when the time comes, but it was interesting to see what I'd written here about shame and feeling ashamed - as a starting point.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you bringing up the topic of shame.  It has been on my mind as I've been living in it all summer. 

I haven't heard/read the book you referenced.  The reading I've done on shame has mostly been through Brene Brown. 

I can relate to what you say about feeling a bit stuck in facing shame.  It is a sensitive part within me and it often doesn't take much for me to go there. 

Sometimes reaching out to others has been supportive to me.  Not always though.  I think that there are things just very deep in me that I feel shame for that I haven't found a way to express and thus they stay in the dark. 

I am really working to change my relationship to myself because I think shame ultimately gets me disconnected from myself and thinking I am too flawed. 

[Armee]

I also appreciate you bringing up this difficult topic, Hope. Shame has been a tricky one for me. It's almost like it is protective so when we've tried working on it in therapy it has backfired quite a bit. For instance it triggered some new SH behaviors I had never had before. It's getting better though.

[Gromit]

I found this book as an ebook on Amazon, it was on special offer. I have read it and it is good. She also has a podcast.

G

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary, Armee & Gromit,
Thank you for your replies here and comments about Shame.  I want to say more in reply to each of you, but I think I've just caused myself to dissociate a bit by having just written some things in my journal - but I hope to return here sometime and say more - especially as I've been reading the book (having managed to find it) and I have found it incredibly helpful, and also emotive to read it. 

Gromit, I agree that it's a good book - I've also bought some of her courses, which I have found really helpful too - I've not tried her podcast, but I will look out for it.  Thank you.

Hope 

[Gromit]

Gromit, I agree that it's a good book - I've also bought some of her courses, which I have found really helpful too - I've not tried her podcast, but I will look out for it.  Thank you.

Which courses helped? I get emails about all kinds of courses but haven't tried any of the ones you have to buy, I guess I wonder if they are worth it.

G

[Hope67]

Hi Gromit,
I bought the webinar courses when they were on a half-price offer - I think Carolyn Spring does that offer now and again, so would be worth looking out for, as it makes it more affordable.

I like the courses as it means I can listen and watch them again - I found the one about Child Sexual Abuse really helpful, and also one about Dissociation and DID, and I also really found the 'Working with Relational Trauma' one very helpful.  I have discovered that I started doing the 'Working with Shame' one - but haven't finished viewing it - that was some time ago, and so I think maybe I found that one more challenging to work through - but I intend to go back, and view it again and continue with it to the end, particularly now I've just read her book 'Unshame'.

She offers free clips of each course so you can see what's involved, and decide if you think it's for you or not.

Hope 

[Cascade]

Hope,
Thanks so much for your bravery in starting this thread (nearly three years ago).

I've been meaning to read a book I have called 'Unshame' by Carolyn Spring ...

Now, I try to find the book, and I can't even find where I've put it.

I'm wondering if there is a part of me that is reluctant for me to look at and explore my shame.  I know I carry shame, and I do feel it sometimes, very heavily.  But I also acknowledge that there's a part of me that tries not to let me feel it, or even look into it.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this now, just to say this.  I hope to find the book.  I hope to read and explore the concept of shame, and explore my own shame.

If anyone has read this book, I'm hoping it was helpful - please do comment if you want to.  I hope to read it - when I finally find it.

I feel exasperated not to even know where to start looking.  It's so hot (weather-wise) at the moment as well. 

Hope 

... I hope to return here sometime and say more - especially as I've been reading the book (having managed to find it) and I have found it incredibly helpful, and also emotive to read it. 

Gromit, I agree that it's a good book ...

Rainydiary's comment really resonated, too, especially the part about the "relationship to myself."  With my new therapist, I am immediately addressing two big things:  healing my wounded self-worth, and improving the relationship I have with me.

I can relate to what you say about feeling a bit stuck in facing shame.  It is a sensitive part within me and it often doesn't take much for me to go there. 

Sometimes reaching out to others has been supportive to me.  Not always though.  I think that there are things just very deep in me that I feel shame for that I haven't found a way to express and thus they stay in the dark. 

I am really working to change my relationship to myself because I think shame ultimately gets me disconnected from myself and thinking I am too flawed. 

Hope, I haven't read the book you mentioned.  I'm here now because it's time for me to start bringing together the pieces that are starting to click about shame.  You phrased it beautifully:

I hope to ... explore the concept of shame, and explore my own shame.

So, I'll write now about what I've learned about the concept of shame, and begin to explore my own shame.


TW
Shame is so insidious that exploring it can bring up more shame.  I believe a tremendous support system, whatever that might be for each of us, is necessary to do this.  I am doing this with my trauma-informed therapist.  I feel safe with her and I wouldn't be ready to do this without her.  And as Armee so bravely revealed:

I also appreciate you bringing up this difficult topic, Hope. Shame has been a tricky one for me. It's almost like it is protective so when we've tried working on it in therapy it has backfired quite a bit. For instance it triggered some new SH behaviors I had never had before. It's getting better though.

I've always struggled with the relevance of shame in my life.  I don't have anything to be ashamed of, and cognitively I could always understand that.  I didn't feel guilty about anything, so why should I feel ashamed?  There was such a disconnect between what I was thinking and what I was feeling.  I couldn't cognitively identify with shame, so that served as a block to letting me feel the shame.  Getting to the feeling of it became an immediate activity in therapy.

First, she shared a video file (mp4) of a John Bradshaw seminar about shame.  (Note:  Neither she nor I are able to find this video published online.  She said she believes it would be okay to post it here if we can find a host for the file.)  If I was able to, my homework was to watch the video and journal about it.  So I did.  Some of my notes, in different font, are below.


Two Types of Shame

• Healthy Shame:  humility, permission to be human, lets us know we have limits (so be careful), gives us emotional power.
• Toxic Shame:  state of being such as "I am a mistake," (Note: Blame is about doing), submit to control, perfectionism, criticism, abandonment, neglect.

Cycle of Shame

	Shame-Based Identity	→	Distorted Thinking
	↑		↓
	Life-Damaging Consequences	←	Acting Out Cycle

Healing Shame Through Externalization

Shame hates exposure.  It keeps ourself from other people and from ourself.

The Externalization Process

• Surrender:  Release and give up control.
• Socialization:  Participate in a group.
• Self-disclosure:  Uncover yourself; become vulnerable.
• Sensitive to the system you came from:  Awareness of roles.
• Self-talk:  Use affirmations; stop negative thoughts.
• Self-love:  Choose to ask for what we want.
• Spirituality:  Reach the silence; sense inner life.

The inner self cries out to be given the gift of loving ourself.


Well, now Pandora's box is open.  Once I saw an explanation, took notes about it, reviewed the notes, reviewed the notes again and again, it finally clicked.  I could see how the Cycle of Shame played out in my own life, from big moments and decisions to relatively small ones.  Now, my homework is to journal about how shame gets triggered for me, how it manifests in my reactions, and how it feels in my body.

Everyone please feel free to comment and/or extend any of this.
   -Cascade

[Cascade]

I'll add that Carolyn Spring has a blog article (2021):
Why is shame such a central experience of child sexual abuse?

I'll bet most of the article is also relevant in cases of neglect and other abuse.
   -Cascade

[Hope67]

Hi Cascade,
Wow I am very interested in what you've written here about shame.  I shall hope to come back and read it later in the week - because I am definitely interested in everything here.  Thanks also for sharing Carolyn Spring's blog article, I haven't read that, but I hope to look later.  I'm reluctant to read it today - as I'm feeling quite chilled out currently, and don't want to trigger myself today.

But I just wanted to say that I wish you the best with the homework you mentioned - and hope it goes well.
Hope 

[Cascade]

 Sounds good, Hope!
Certainly no pressure.  I'm glad you're still interested in exploring this whenever the time might be right for you.  I'm not too excited myself about next steps with my homework, lol. 

Enjoy your chill and take things as they come for yourself.  Thanks for the well wishes!
   -Cascade

[Chart]

Just wanted to chime-in a Thanks for this thread. VERY illuminating and dynamic implications for me. I've got John Bradshaw's book Healing The Shame That Binds... but still haven't read it. I'll be careful not to misplace it either

[Dalloway]

So funny, I was searching in my google drive today and found John Bradshaw´s book about shame that I forgot about (I downloaded it some time ago, planned to read it, then forgot about it  ).

[Blueberry]

I'll add that Carolyn Spring has a blog article (2021):
Why is shame such a central experience of child sexual abuse?

I'll bet most of the article is also relevant in cases of neglect and other abuse.
   -Cascade

Thanks for this link. I've read it just now, but I'll need to go back to it and re-read to take more in.