Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I love the story of the artist.  That sounds like an experience  to treasure. 

I also appreciate what you are saying about light.  I am fair skinned, my eyes are really sensitive to light, and I am at risk for skin cancer especially with where I live at altitude and constant sun.  I love homes and spaces with a lot of natural light but also now am battling how to keep my eyes and skin protected even when I am indoors near light.  I imagine this will continue to shift over the years too.  But it's been uncomfortable and makes me feel vulnerable in a way that is disconcerting.  I think it's that it makes me not trust my own judgment of what my body needs. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy, thanks for sharing the joy about the photo! Yes, bringing his work into my space will be transformative!

you said something here:

I think it's that it makes me not trust my own judgment of what my body needs.

I used to feel the same way, but now I'm taking a new path. As I grow older, my body doesn't stay the same, although I was absolutely sure it would. I expected it to. Kind of like the comfort of certainty and things never changing. If I buy a pair of pants or shirt I LOVE, I expect it will last decades. When it rips, or I gain weight, true loss and sadness. Now I'm noticing changes for the better (and worse). Taking a long time to fall asleep no longer bothers me. Resting during the day doesn't bother me. I don't schedule myself too heavily, preferring to see how I feel daily instead. The light thing surprises me, but considering now it's just a protective stance, and since I've done so little protecting myself it feels weird and strange.

August 15

I am learning the value to flexibility and starting to make serious progress on shelving perfectionism. My "go to" strategy for dealing with upheaval has been to go places and do things at certain times. That's reasonable overall, but that's been undo-able in the current health climate. All the existential questions I've had moved from semi-conscious to front burner. That precipitated an "episode" in which I lost my zest for living and felt like I moved backward 20 years.

It's interesting to note that this inner turmoil had also released something I didn't know still living....a tiny determined piece/part that was really set on cleaning up and figuring out how to rid myself of baggage. I suppose it's always been there, but the desire really grew in the last 7 months. 

Now I want to come out of my dark cave, really decide what and who is worth bringing along for the life ride. And, surprise, surprise some other desires are appearing too. I've learned lessons from my 33 days of July-August. I know I can make good choices. I can relax and care for myself in ways which are totally foreign to my IC. I can think about past experiences without criticizing, judging harshly and feeling shamed. I'm giving myself compassion and.......it works!   

[Armee]

I love hearing abour your self discoveries and journey out of the dark cave. I love that you are trusting yourself and knowing you can make good decisions to protect yourself. 

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Armee,  it's such a relief to be acknowledged. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel and wonder if I'm going anywhere....

August 16

I've been absolutely in awe of the comments made in response to a new member lately. It feels like the floodgates opened and I have a much better understanding of all the people who are active in the forum. Previously I was drowning so much in my own stuff, I couldn't really appreciate and take in others' lives. Now I'm able to take in more information and attach "stories" to names. I'm very grateful that members have opened up and allowed themselves to be known, even if in bits and pieces. That's all it takes to make a connection. Thanks for everyone who takes that risk here, many things have helped me in ways I never expected. 

Yesterday was pretty balanced, and I decided to make a beading pattern from 8 years ago.  I ended up with something reasonably OK. That's not the point. The point is that I approach tasks, goals and desires with a mindset. Do or die, perfection or forget it. This time, I said, how about a combo? The after-accomplishment feelings were familiar: dang, I "should have", "how could I?" "you knew something was wrong from the start..."

In the past,
I rejected all efforts which didn't yield the vision

I shamed myself for being stupid/ignorant.
I lamented at how far I've fallen from my ideal
I got mad that I've let my skills get rusty



All this? Over a bunch of tiny beads sewn together in a 1 inch circle?

So I spent some time with my inner tribe. One by one I answered their objections. And I found this little 7-8 year old kid who loved going to camp (because it was away from home!) and was absolutely thrilled at getting her hands on clay, yarn, glue, shells, jewelry  That's the kid that loves to bead and make stuff. She wears a uniform and sweater over the top, with the buttons mismatched, and holding a little flower, squinting into the camera. She's smiling shyly.

So, today I got up and finished off the second experiment, just like the first to match it. Switched out ear wires and wore them with pride today!

[Armee]

Your story of the little girl who loves to get away from home and go to camp and craft brought this weird combo of happy and sad tears to my eyes. Yes! To letting that little girl play with beads and fabrics to bring her joy, not perfection. I'm so happy you are letting her play!

[BeeKeeper]

yeah!!!  thanks Armee

Afternoon update:

The almost end of the air conditioner story happened this afternoon. I put in a request to have the existing non-functioning unit removed and a solid insulation cap put over the "sleeve". Lo and behold, within one hour, it was half way done! The unit was taken out and put on a cart and hauled away. I was left with a mess inside the cabinet, (which by rights, was not my mess) but decided to clean up anyway. Flying stinging insects had made a great home beneath the unit, with years of accumulations. Paper towels dripping with H2O, brushes and vacuum finished the job. I had a bit of insulating tape left over from the door (smokers here) and used it to cover the small holes. (ha, ha, ha, as if!) but feeling good just the same.

Next I went all Marie Kondo on one of my bedroom drawers. I have oodles of foam core which I got originally to make cheap cornices. Now I can use it for other stuff since I've scored perfect size cardboard boxes from college. I measured twice, cut once, and still a mm off. Went back and did it again, then placed 5 dividers vertically in my drawer to separate camisole tops (I'm a maniac for them) undies, lingerie, belts, etc. Then I was so pleased, I took a pic and sent it to my D. She raved of course. The funny part of this story is a couple hours later I had forgotten all about it, went in the drawer to put something away and was greeted by my work!  Uh, who did that?!? Just a small illustration of how we can so easily forget our efforts.

I've been working on cleaning up my computer for a couple weeks. I got serious last week and printed out all my contacts from multiple accounts. Today, I labeled them, and consolidated folders on my mail account, trashing about 150 mails in the process. Google will not make money off of me.

This morning, I made a cold call to a car dealer after getting a referral. I'm looking for a small dealer to get me into my next set of wheels. 13 years is fine for a vehicle-the time is right now to move on. I hung out and waited for 2 people, then sat down and did my pitch. Surprisingly, I was met with gracious kindness. It turns out my mechanic and he are buddies and I definitely got a good vibe. I've learned however, I tend to bask in the glow, and assume it will all work out. This time, I'm going to hang back and see what happens. Lesson from the 33 days. 

I decided to take a small risk with my sister, who I've held at arms length for a while now. I invited her by e-mail to go to a photography show at a cousin's gallery-by email. The kicker is, she has to respond in 2 days or the deal is off. If she can't live with it, too bad.

The conclusion involves a jar of molasses.  So, I have a serious, serious weakness for molasses cookies made by a specific retailer 30 miles away. I pay in gas, calories and all kinds of other ways. I normally buy 5, they are HUGE, and store them in the freezer, making them last for weeks.  Today I decided I must make my own, which would be just as "good" and save myself major hassles. I chose the "wholesome" organic brand and  when it got to the price, there's a quarter tank of gas! (exaggerating really, but still.) Bought it and now feel very righteous. Will update when I feel like making the first batch.

[CactusFlower]

Wow, Bee, sounds like you've gotten a lot accomplished lately! I'm so glad the car thing worked out. That can be awful if they get the sense that someone can be walked on, but that connection sound like it benefited you.  Sometimes, it really is "who you know".

Gosh, those cookies sound awesome... LOL I have to admit, I have some treats that I consider worth the trip too.

[BeeKeeper]

Hey Sage,

The pendulum swings back and forth-yesterday, awesomeness, today, cave dwelling.  What's good is I accept it and just go with it now. Glad to know there are hard-core foodies out there that will burn the gas to get the treat. I was pleasantly surprised by the dealer, and concluded the same as you-it's who you know.

August 17
I suspect that my  dormant fearful, depressed self which took over for more than a year, can't entirely handle this new way of being.  I ended up spending 4 hours in bed before I fell asleep. I got up, read some, accomplished some tasks, and then thought I'd just lay down to sort myself out. 4 hours, 3 dreams later, I'm up, putting dinner in the oven. Curious.

These little regressions may be the result of 3 discrete things. First, I'm now on the 3 week mark of not hearing from my last 2 FOIL requests. Second, I'm continuing on purging my email contacts and that inevitably brings up long forgotten turmoil, relationships gone by the wayside with attending grief. Third, I'm reading about IFS and the Body.

Schwartz's book is feeling like Pete Walker's book. very, very tough. Part of me is mad about the seemingly effortless access to parts in his dialogue examples, part of me is skeptical, because I was raised in a religious cult and some of the ideas come close to those, part of me is distressed because I thought I'd made a LOT of progress, and it turns out, I still feel I'm at the start of those thousand miles again. 

In keeping with my preferred Self/persona/mask whatever, I'm the professional academic, or scientist in my white coat, with my clipboard, hair contained, sensible shoes, calculator at the ready, water bottle handy, with fully charged digital devices nearby. I dispassionately observe each encounter, and mark it in the appropriate column. (complete with time stamp! ) Then I very efficiently care for any part that seems to need attention. Stinky? Check shower. Hungry? Check food. Financial? Check status. Organized? Check data file update. I lived like that for years, got stuff done, was employed, raised small people, kept pets, and plants. Now, the only thing I keep (care for) is myself.

― Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 BC – 65 AD) was a Roman Stoic philosopher who wrote: "It takes the whole of life to learn how to live..."

[Armee]

I trust you to know what's good for you and what needs to be shelved because you've done that consistently. And if this IFS book needs to be shelved I know you'll listen to yourself. 

[sanmagic7]

i completely agree with armee.  you'll do what's best for you.

that quote makes a lot of sense to me.  thanks for sharing.  love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

Yup Armee and san, thanks for voting for my ability to listen to myself and make the right decisions. 

It occurred to me today that I'd like to become aware of my "breaking" points, because right now, they just fly right on by. The goal of course is to reduce those cave days and spend more time outside. Literally and figuratively. However! I also allow a nuance here, which is different from my black/white thinking-most days are a mix, and it's not bright sunshiny functioning or dark stupefied unconsciousness. It doesn't even have to go to either extreme, my hope is more middle ground, with gently rocking.

August 18

I've joined the land of the living, and with it have identified some thoughts which are holding me back. The all or nothing routine, and searching for a way to forge a path to "big girl" steps, which are different from baby steps, and not quite to Self or impinging on IC steps. We'll see.

During my extended unconsciousness yesterday, I encountered a lot of dreaming re-enactments of family and work drama. Time is not a constraint for the unconscious! It's all still there, like a stew. But, in the last month, since my efforts towards lucid dreaming, some call it "night school" I've found tiny slices of reality within the dream, although it's not great enough to deliver me from it, but it's enough to keep the memory the next day, and to recall the event which caused it. I intentionally tell myself each night to be open to lessons from my inner self and whether that is affecting me, I don't know. Something is.

I'm choosing to back off Schwartz and Steven Pinker for the moment. I'm thinking through my desires to connect with "old friends." I've cleaned up my office and studio. I've stopped making "to do" lists.  Temporarily I'm sure. The goal is to enjoy whatever functioning I have, without pushing it to the point of collapse.

For now, I've decided the way to move ahead on my contacts is to treat it like I do my closet. I use 97% of space for clothes that fit me NOW, and pack or hang the "others" away. So, even though just seeing a name brings me warm & fuzzy feelings of connection, the fact is, I've let that relationship go, and remember the valuable or invaluable lesson(s). I can still keep it, dedicated to an archival spot, but not within the main drag of current life resources.

I got rid of 6 glass jars; 3 big, 3 small. In the last 5 years or so, I decided my massive collection of BPA infused plastic containers needed to be discarded. So, I've recycled the jars. Keep in mind I was raised by depression era parents, that taught me by example to SAVE (string, paper bags) Although I've come out of it pretty well, there are some residuals that hang on. I've bought my fair share of glass jars, and feel a great sense of satisfaction just gazing in my cupboards.

There's no way I can be called a hoarder, but that word makes me shrink and tremble. My sister is, and I've worked for years to "cull." Speaking of her, she rose to the occasion and replied to my mail. We have a social event on September 3, in which each of us will see someone else that's important to us.

A note about Journals:

As I read other member's journals, I see a lot going on for everyone. Sometimes, it's too close to home for me to comment, because I'm afraid that by illustrating a point with my own life, I'd be taking the focus off the member's. I do read a lot of journals and can relate to the suffering, confusion, frustration, even joy and victories that come through. If I step on or close to a boundary, I apologize in advance. I don't mean to.

Last thoughts here. I've noticed in the last 2 months how people seem to be allowing themselves to be known in a way they haven't before. That's really critically important to me because I see my thinking and behaviors over a lifetime, or just even adulthood, in a new way. I "knew" theoretically I wasn't "alone" but thought there was just a small population that had experienced drama/trauma and still thought I was in the absolute minority.

Now I see I have so much in common with others, regardless of childhood or adulthood experiences, we have certain patterns, strategies, behaviors which may be maladaptive, but served us at a particular time. We've all decided to "heal" whatever that means to each of us, and to be the best we can under the present life circumstances. We're determined to treat ourselves better, be families to those who never had them, and to be kind, generous and loving towards others. What a nice place! 

[CactusFlower]

Bee-

Thinking of contacts like cleaning a closet is a great analogy! I'll have to try that sometime.

I was raised by Baby Boomers (I'm gen x), but my mom totally had the "save containers" concept, especially after becoming a single parent, so I have it too. It just feels so wasteful to toss glass jars. I also try not to put too much plastic into the environment, but sometimes convenience for my health wins out. I suppose I could have worse habits.

And i agree, it's so helpful to see that I am not alone in my issues/problems. Not that I would wish anything on anyone, but I don't feel so alone when I see I'm not the only one struggling with an EF or shame or whatever. This forum really has been a real treasure to find.

[BeeKeeper]

Glad to see some environmentalists out there Sage. As time goes on, plastic is a big problem, everywhere.Yes, convenience and price sometimes win over conscience. Sounds like you got the parking permit. Nice, isn't it?

August 19

After 6 years of therapy with my current T, I trusted her enough today to voice some dreams and memories which were still raw and carried quite a charge. I dumped it all on her in the last 12 minutes. Afterwards, I went back to my cave, and stayed there the day. It's apparent I have been feeling more and more and this impacts my daily functioning. Just reading a book review last night caused me vividly dream about the subject waking myself up by furiously scratching imaginary creatures on my body. I think I'm regressing.

[Armee]

Take it gentle Bee. Lots of light stuff. Take a break from the heavy stuff, if you can and it feels right. Though reading a book review seems pretty light!

Ugh I'm sorry things feel so intensely right now. Progress often comes with temporary repercussions.

[rainydiary]

Bee, I feel the heaviness of dreams and memories with you.