Rainy Diary 2021

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

probably small comfort, but just the same:

This validates me and makes me feel better.  It isn't me.

Applying for another job is a great way to handle everything.  I like your spirit! 

Healing thoughts and figuring out what the allergy is sooner rather than later with your beloved cat.

[Armee]

Oh wow your perseverance is going to help your kitty get better...now you have a possible answer and can make it better hopefully. I know having your cat better would really be a huge relief and mental load taken off.

I'm sorry your new colleague is already feeling the toxic behavior at work. It does show it's not you. Hold onto that.

Im so sorry for the loss in your circle and how painful that is for you. When I asked about the death affecting you I meant how it went from something sad (a very reasonable emotional response) to you feeling ashamed about yourself. You dont need to answer, of course, but it really struck me that your reaction was shame. It struck me because I have those same reactions and they serve the purpose of keeping me from feeling stuff other than shame and self-hatred and fear, which I rock like a champ.

I saw that someone I knew in college had a family member die unexpectedly while hiking.  That made me feel ashamed for being wrapped up in the problems I am having.

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, thank you.  I've also been sitting in a spot that is mine but isn't and it is near the rooms where social studies are taught.  Almost every teacher has come in and said hello.  My team often implies that I am not friendly........my interactions with these teachers makes me see it isn't me but them.

..........

Armee, I appreciate the clarification.  I think shame came up as it does in comparison.  I feel shame for being overwhelmed by my cat and work when people experience loved ones dying unexpectedly.  My experience is still important and comparing these things doesn't make sense. 

.........

I'm not sure about this day.  Not enough sleep again because of the cat and my schedule.  She goes to the vet tomorrow and I hope we can make steps toward being done with the cone. 

I focused on my needs at work today and worked in the space that is and isn't mine.  I was glad to be in here today because a student I am familiar with was injured and needed help.  I was able to do my best to support him. 

I am looking forward to going home.  I hope to relax with my cat and enjoy the evening.  I am still trying to figure out my next steps.  I feel like I need more rest before that will be possible. 

[rainydiary]

Waiting at the vet.  My cat is having sutures removed and hopefully I can bring home a different type of food for her.  It's annoying to have a prescription diet because I can't easily get a new one without the vet's approval. 

I called in for a bit of work today to bring my cat here.  I really want to call in for the whole day.  I know that today is going to be annoying.  I also want to spend time applying for jobs in the town my husband and I want to move to.  But I think it would be best to go to work once the vet is done and brace myself for the annoying parts.

[rainydiary]

The vet removed her bandage and said her paw is healed.  They gave me permission to stop using the cone.  I haven't been able to get new kidney food yet as I have to order online. 

I decided to stay home with her as she does have some bare spots on her hind leg that she is over-licking.  I also wanted to stay home to care for myself.

I plan to do some work on my resume and apply for jobs at colleges in the area I want to move to.  I am also going to make a cake for my husband's birthday. 

I am feeling really emotional today.  I am thinking about the students I work with, especially the seniors.  I would love to see them graduate in May but am not sure I can mentally hang on in my job until then.  I am sad at the thought of leaving them.  And yet I would want them to take care of themselves in the future if they ever got into a situation that wasn't good for them.  They are a part of my heart which is why when my colleagues are such jerks to me it hurts that they don't see how much I care for the growing humans we are educating. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy Diary,
Glad to hear that your cat's paw is healed, and that you and your cat are having some time at home today.  You mentioned feeling really emotional today, and I could hear the care you have for your students.  I wanted to send you a hug of support, if that's ok 

I hope your husband's birthday cake goes well.  You are very thoughtful to do that for him. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate your words and support.   
..........

I got a full night of sleep for the first time in so long.  I am disoriented today as a result.  My cat seems ok but I am experiencing anxiety that she will relapse.  She seems more content to be left to herself. 

It feels like a new world today.  My husband is getting really into our idea of moving to a new city.  I applied for some jobs outside of my current field in the new city.  Job searching can take a while and since I am seeking outside of my field, I am not sure what to expect. 

My husband and I both told our parents of our plans.  Both sets are unsupportive in passive aggressive ways.  I have come a long way but the disapproval and disappointment of my parents still stings.  I hope to find a way to move past that because this isn't their choice.  This is a choice my husband and I are making for ourselves. 

I feel disoriented in general.  I think a new start in a new city is what is needed.  But for now it is making due with what I have where I am. 

[Armee]

Regardless of what happens with a move I'm so happy you and your H ate making plans together and feel on the same page.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you, it feels good to be on the same page and to be making plans together in a common direction. 
..........

I'm feeling ok but not ok.  I have had a good weekend with my husband.  The thought of this week is what makes me not ok.  And also worry that my cat's paw will get worse again (even though it does seem like she is ok - the paw isn't showing redness and inflammation like before).  For now I am giving my cat space to find her routine again and rest. 

In terms of work, I really have lost all desire to show up.  No matter what I do it will not be enough for some folks whose voices are heard over mine.  That pressure is heavy.  Right now I need the financial stability so that my husband and I can move.

I applied for more jobs over the weekend in the place we want to move.  I am feeling incredibly vulnerable about it because I'm not sure I can get a job outside of my current field.  One thing at a time.  I will see if anything comes of these jobs I've applied for and then make plan B if I need to. 

I mostly just feel stuck right now.  I am going to try to feel ease the rest of today and deal with tomorrow when it gets here. 

[rainydiary]

I think I feel relatively calm right now. 

Getting more sleep is helping.

My hip has been extremely uncomfortable of late.  A lot of it is running but that spot also tends to feel tension as a signal.

This morning I considered what that tension was telling me.

I recalled when I was a child being at the pool and a kid I knew trying to throw me in the pool.  I did not want that happen and I resisted and resisted.  In the effort, my hip was smacked on the side of the deck. 

I also recalled all the jobs I've had beginning around that same time.  I helped with swim lessons, was a babysitter, was a lifeguard, worked in a writing center, worked in an ROTC office, worked in healthcare IT, taught swimming lessons, worked for agency that supported adults with disabilities in their homes, and am a speech language pathologist.

In all of these jobs, I have felt like a fraud and in over my head.  I have always felt separate from others and unable to connect or function or feel good in the way others did.  I always manage to burn myself out and get on the "naughty" list of people that aren't "good" at their job for reasons I do not understand. 

At the start of each week I set goals for myself.  This week one of my goals is to show up for work each day.  Just show up.  Once I'm there things will go the way they will.  Right now I need the income.  I will do my best to care for myself especially since my school isn't doing much to protect against the virus that is still impacting so many. 

[sanmagic7]

hey rainy,

just sending a lot of support for all you're doing - planning to move, setting your goals, having taken such great care of both you and your kitty.  so glad she's better.

i related to the idea of being out of sorts with colleagues when i worked as a therapist at a day school program.  my approach was different than other T's there, my philosophy, my perspective.  they worked in the residential section, and to me it was a very different therapeutic dynamic between them and their charges and me and mine.  never saw eye to eye, and i was perceived by my supervisor as kooky and flaky. 

if i may, i hope you stick to your guns and know that what and how you do what you do is the right way for you.  i don't think you're the 'cookie cutter' kind (like i'm not) and we aren't always going to 'fit in', but that doesn't make us bad or wrong.  keep having faith in yourself and your perspective, ok?  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate these words.  That is exactly my experience - given my trauma history and perspective I do approach my work very differently than others and it is perceived as "wrong."  I do my best to stay with what I believe is right and will continue to do so.

..........

Today is already proving more challenging than I anticipated. 

I have been selecting where to sit for my well-being.  I was approached by an administrator today and indirectly told I need to sit where I was assigned.  I have pushed too far apparently. 

I also feel even more like my colleagues are watching me.  That is based on that feedback I was given and that we were all asked to provide a copy of our schedules. 

None of this feels ok to me.  I don't think I am imagining that all of this is somewhat targeted to me. 

I'm not upset per se but each day I feel less and less willing to work here.  My goal of showing up each day will be difficult.  At this point I know I will be quitting and need to just do enough to keep my job.  Really it seems nothing I do will be considered right but I can do my best to show that I am responsive to feedback.

I think the injustice of all of this is what eats at me.  I have been bullied and bullied and bullied and yet am the one being punished for doing what I can to take care of myself. 

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Rainy,

I've been reading but not posting. Just wanted to give you a huge  for the possible move, the commitment to live your life separate from your parents and in-laws wishes. It's a lot to rise above and keep on track. The work situation sounds horrible, but I think you've dealt with it in a healthy way. You're still showing up, still being responsible and still planning your exit. I'm glad to hear that you and your husband had a good weekend.

[rainydiary]

Bee, thank you for the  and support.  I'm not feeling great right now but know I am moving in the direction I want to.
..........

I am feeling deeply sad and hurt and ashamed.

Work gets worse and worse. 

I am trying so hard but am in a broken system. 

It makes me feel so badly about myself.  I feel like I have done something dreadfully wrong. 

I am doing a training for yoga and a question today asked was how can I change my relationship to what is happening? 

I keep thinking I find an answer to that and then work ups the ante. 

[sanmagic7]

i don't think you've done anything wrong.  in fact, i think you've done a lot right to have survived and made it this far, to have such introspection, and to keep moving forward step by step.  to my mind, that's a lot of 'right'.  i wish work would not be so horrible for you.  we are here, with you and for you.  lean on us if you can.  love and hugs