Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

Armee, agreed, a book review "should be" light! I've decided my imagination maybe a little TOO active. Definitely temporary repercussions.

rainy, thanks for hearing the essence. 

August 20

Made a trek to my dermatologist to reassure myself about a couple of "spots." I'm reassured! We've been together 6 years now and I'm starting to see her "age" gracefully. She's always been kind, and I love her so much. She and her husband left  my monolithic medical center to open their own practice. It's $50 a shot to see her, but so worth it.

On the way home I stopped to stock up at a store 10 miles away which has 2 critical foods. A specific canned peach and fresh English peas. Once I discovered the peas, I was hooked! They provide a nice little green crunch in salads.

My big accomplishment of the week was doing a wash and dry in my building. The secret ingredient, VINEGAR  

Yes folks, you got it right, vinegar in the wash, but most importantly in the dryer to quell those sickly sweet, dryer "fresheners" and residuals scents that are rampant here. (gagging...) So the process is: I swab the inside of the dryer with a sopping wet sponge soaked in vinegar. Then, I pour another 1 or so on two towels, and throw them in with my clean wet clothes. SUCCESS! OK, Truth in journaling here, there is a faint, faint odor of vinegar on my stuff.   Will now experiment with just the right ratio! When I think about all the public laundromats I've used in the last 13 years, I've never been so strongly affected by this issue, I guess it's part of being the Red Hat Old Lady crowd.

Made my molasses cookies and got only one part right-texture. I've bought different ingredients and will now start experimenting with mixing coconut oil and unsalted butter. Brown sugar for half the sweetener removes the bright bite, so will go full hog with Florida Crystals. Will increase the spices and maybe even buy fresh! (I can get it in bulk, so whew...) I keep my ginger, cloves, and nutmeg in two zip lock bags in the freezer.They are good in a pinch, but

I'm going to discard the remainder of the batter.  I never, ever used to do that, but what the h3ll!

[BeeKeeper]

August 23

After 6 months, I'm ready to discontinue my SSRI med. I've learned through experience not to go cold turkey, so will abide by the prescriber's recommendation. My library came up with Janina Fisher's book Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors. I've read a sample online, and it agrees with me so far.

I'm jumping from the frying pan into the fire again. Contacted my former professor to ask about his online course, which he explained and agreed to let me audit next week. I did learn from my "vivid dreams" brought on my the book review, that certain subjects are likely to be difficult. So, contrary to everything I've done in the last 3 years, I'm going to embrace my status and not pretend I'm an A student. That means skipping topics, maybe not taking exams, or not posting responses when "due." If the SSRI was good for one thing, it was to dial those perfectionism traits and behaviors way back. I'm under no illusions that anything is going to be easier or better, just minus some side effects which showed themselves after 5 months.

[rainydiary]

Best wishes as you navigate a transition from the medication.   

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Rainy. I'm expecting some stuff, but want to think maybe it won't be that bad.

Update: Molasses cookies!

So, with about $13 of fresh ingredients, the second batch was better. Palm oil shortening should be used within 6 months. I tweaked the ratio of shortening to butter, and that did it. Also doubled all the spices and added some maple syrup. That did it too. One casualty center top as I moved everything horizontal. No problem. Already gone! 

[sanmagic7]

good for you for listening to your mind and body about those meds.  i hope the transition goes smoothly.  i've found that weaning slowly really helped keep effects to a minimum.

and, your cookies sound great!  yum!!!   

[BeeKeeper]

san,

it takes a while to "listen" to the body, but the more I pay attention, the better it gets.  As I've aged, strange food allergies appear in the form of hives. Really drastic, itchy red welty things which stick around for a week or more! Preventing those experiences lead me to being very observant and aware of everything.

August 24

Last night I was able to think about my down mood and discover a way out. I felt the old victim mindset coming on and decided to look more closely. It was about wanting someone to "know" me and share all kinds of intimate information which is not warranted within the relationship at this time. I was able to separate out what kinds of things I wanted known, which was my history in overcoming obstacles. In divulging that, peripheral things would come out.

I decided to use a technique which is to give myself what I wanted the other person to have, evidence of my strength and accomplishments. I started to think about the ways I've pushed through adversity and to just leave those feelings of gratitude and pride with my inner self and not "prove" my worth to another person. How I act daily is proof enough.

That allowed me to sleep about 15% better, and gave me the energy to take care of college registration issues, which went smoothly. I uncharacteristically cooked quinoa for breakfast and ate some while warm. I hope to learn how to toast it for a crunch to my salads.

Over the weekend, I switched out furniture in two rooms, separating the beads from the sewing. That helped me spend Sunday experimenting on a pendant. It's better for me to divide and conquer. I soaked my experiment in floor wax and am pressing it under weights as it dries now which I will post that in a couple days in the art forum.

Wednesday I FINALLY have my PT evaluation. Misunderstandings about referrals delayed that for 3 weeks, fortunately, symptoms have remained small. Friday is implant surgeon follow up, and I'm happy to report that wearing my processor a lot less has proportionally decreased my scalp pain. A tiny silver lining of C19.

Update:

I'm reading Janina Fisher's book, which is  . That's better than good, better than great-just mind blowing.  A nod to Hope here for mentioning her. Even her introduction is soothing and steady. But I still have to stop reading every second paragraph to gaze in the distance and see how it all comes together. She's describing my life on seemingly every page. The one thing which stopped me in my tracks was that people with Dissociative Identity Disorder have an average of 7 years of (unsuccessful) treatment, before they get to her, with an average of 3.6 incorrect diagnoses and no one had a clue! At that I had to stop for the day.

Today happened to be a welcome back to school day at college with a big catered luncheon spread. My favorite place is on the 4th floor overlooking the yard and how interesting it was to see how many people I recognized from that distance. About a dozen! I moseyed over to the tables as they were cleaning up, got a container of food, ate it immediately and felt really good. Caffeine free day!

I printed out my 17 page syllabus (in color!) and rented  my primary text book at $48. I came home, rested, threaded my serger and am ready to overlock 16 edges!. Then after that measuring for top casements and dreaming of having so much money that I could order it all out of a catalogue. 

[BeeKeeper]

August 25

And the hits keep coming is a cultural idiom and what I'm feeling today metaphorically. A little irony and a touch of sarcasm intended. I'm allowing myself to acknowledge that, without guilt or pushing it further.

Last night I was reading through the online course syllabus when I came to a "requirement" of the first week; "contribute one post to the Discussion Forum introducing yourself to your classmates."

I don't want to!  This is what happened internally 

We really need some eye rolling emoticons here. But since they're missing, I have to explain. I'm getting good at learning about my inner parts now. These thoughts went through my mind:

Oh **expletive deleted*
Can I do this?
Genre type? Flippant, humorous, serious, authentic, chronological, mask-like?

That lead down the garden path to a life memory review. OK, so after I exhausted all the possibilities with examples from life experiences, I discovered that this  mundane, ordinary task had set off an avalanche of feelings with several parts vying for dominance. Naturally, the inner critic oversaw all the turmoil and issued the "ticket" of rumination. Payment? Several hours of sleep lost. On the plus side, I saw what was happening, although couldn't effectively stop it, so there's that awareness. 

The medication NP agreed to allow a taper from the SSRI, but I had to jump through some hoops to explain why. And wouldn't you know it? I forgot the most important issue! I send a message later to amend my thoughts. Even though I'm just at the 6 month mark, the protocol is 6-12 months of "stability." That's OK because I've never, ever had that in my entire life. I'm now going for "good enough."

Janina Fisher talks about "stuckness" and calls it terminal ambivalence. Wow! I had to stop reading and mull. She references her work being focused on trauma theory and Richard Schwartz's work being focused on parts theory. The light went on when I read that, since parts are created/developed and maintained by ongoing trauma. So, I thought I was starting at the beginning with Schwartz, but I shouldda started with Fisher. This reminds me of my favorite quote: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

In an uncharacteristically bold and transparent mood, I texted my D and referenced Janina Fisher's book

Me:  " I found a very powerful book today and feel like I truly have access to every answer I need."
Her:  a gif "I'm so freakin' 'effin EXCITED."
Me:  Photo attachment of book cover
her:  "Ah, OK."
Me:   "very specific stuff, but perfect for me."

It's all good too! 

In conclusion, I'm grateful for the village here and the ways I've found resources and support. Learning from other's lessons has been the missing piece of my recovery story. Thanks for sharing authentically; without masks and filters. 

[sanmagic7]

wow!  you put a lot more thought into that discussion forum post than i would ever think to do.  when i first read it, what came to mind was something short and non-committal, like, ' love to garden' and a little something about my fav flowers.  i was struck by your attention to detail when you spoke of genres.  that would have never crossed my mind.  amazing how different people can be in their approach to something.  not wrong or right, better or worse, just different.  but, that's just me.  i give all kinds of credit to people who think things thru like that.  it's never been my forte.

amazing, isn't it, how something that could be perceived as innocuous by others can hold that avalanche of feelings for those of us who have been traumatized.  another reminder of how c-ptsd  can present an entirely different perspective on 'ordinary' occurrences.

i'm grateful for you and everyone else here as well.  it feels so good to be respected and heard.   love and hugs, bee

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper,
I am excited also that you've got that book, and you're already finding it to be helpful.     I think it's the book that has helped me the most of anything I've read, and I have re-read it and always find something more there.

I was interested to hear what you said about the introduction in the online course.  I signed up for an online course a few months ago, and I just couldn't bring myself to write anything in the introduction post, so I decided that they wouldn't miss me if I didn't write anything - and sure enough, noone ever spotted or commented that I'd not done that part.  Parts of me would balk at the thought of putting anything personal there, so I'd feel unable to do so.  I found it interesting to hear the contrast between what you said, and what SanMagic said, and I agree with SanMagic that it's 'amazing how different people can be in their approach to something'.  Just different, and thankfully there's no 'rights' and no 'wrongs' - or at least I don't think so. 

I wanted to send you a hearty and supportive hug, too, if that's ok 
Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

advance disclaimer to my readers:

I do proofread my posts, multiple times. Despite my efforts, at any time of day, I see typos and glitches after the fact. Please ignore this. I know the difference between lead and led, but that slipped by. 

san, thanks for noticing the turmoil about the intro post. You're right, I've been blessed and cursed by attention to detail! My paternal GrF was a prolific writer and I think I got an extra dose of his DNA. When I was very young, 8 or 10, I used to write in a blank book about the adventures of twin boys, Clay and Cliff. I would hide out in my closet and have a whole scenario of adventures there. Reading and writing has been my safe haven, libraries continue to be "home."

Hope, yes, I totally agree. Fisher's book has been more helpful and I see myself purchasing it. What is most surprising is that I previously thought I was defective from childhood and my social skills and coping mechanisms were utter failures of will and intelligence. In my adolescence and early adulthood I took serious risks with my life, and put myself in incredibly dangerous situations. Those experiences and memories still haunt me, but now I'm able to put it in perspective of structural dissociation. Even though I can't grasp all the nuances yet, what I've read fits me perfectly! Just a textbook case!  I can look at that two ways; one of setting me apart from normal, untraumatized society and the reverse is being part of a specific cohort which now has discrete biologically based treatment modalities which work. Western medicine is slow to discover and accept certain ideas, and even slower to do something with them. I'm glad I live in a time where these things are not woo-woo, but gaining ground in the mainstream. (That's part of the reason I'm keen for history class!)


August 26

Well, interesting times. Yesterday 3 things happened. I halved my dose of the SSRI, I went to the rehab evaluation, I am now enrolled in my online course.

Consequence of #1: felt deflated for the latter part of the day.
Consequence of #2:  DX. rotator cuff impairment and bone spurs in my upper neck, estimated treatment time, 4-6 weeks.
Consequence of #3: warm, fuzzy, comforting feelings, relief and a tiny bit of fear.

So, I have friends in the registrars office, and I got access to my course 12 hours early. This time around, I see that the media does not rotate on my phone like it did previously, which only means I can't lie in bed and "do homework." If I want to squint and strive, I can, but I think I'll pass.

I discovered the exact parameters of the Introductory post, which was hidden in the first week's content online. The answer must include what I want to get from this course and why the study of Western Civilization is important. There's an option to upload a photo, and I have two choices. One with "wild hair" all squiggly and happy. The other more subdued, an outside shot of me looking like I usually do, kind of road weary.

So, despite writing up a flippant/humorous version, I am now going for professional, neutral and slightly opinionated. It's good to notice all this because eventually I hope to shorten the reaction time, and say, "Oh, yeah, I remember this, I'll just wait and see." San picked up on the main point here which is seemingly innocuous tasks in every day life have unspoken, intense meaning for people who've been through trauma.

I thought previously I was living an "examined" life in which I was aware of my choices and their consequences. I thought I knew myself by now. Wrong! What I know is my symptoms and the way I manage them. I'm still functioning good enough, but I feel half of me is missing in action. This has been true for a while and might have something to do with my being separated from my oldest grandchildren. Before I could just drop several hundred $$ and go jump on a plane.

The other reason is I recently went through the 4th decompensation episode of my life, just before I came back to the forum, early spring. There always seems to be a precipitating event, and this one was MOHS surgery for skin cancer on my nose. It was incredibly painful, more so that my other facial surgeries and I don't do well with chronic pain, especially since it impacted wearing glasses and face masks.

I used to be very critical and judgmental towards my sister. The same things I've criticized her for, I did too! It took me 8 months to overcome my serger fears and thread the freaking thing and step on the "gas." She left a new sewing machine untouched for a over a year. My T would comment about being judgmental and critical of myself. DANG.

OK,  see this is getting a bit long, I've chilled out in a 70 degree store now after waking up in an 82 degree apartment, sweat dripping everywhere.

Stay well, be happy.

[sanmagic7]

hey, bee,

interesting realization about the difference in knowing your self and knowing your symptoms.  it pinged with me, so i may have a connection to that dynamic as well.

i still am, for the most part, very aware of my spelling and grammar here, usually also reread and edit what i write.  i'm an author/editor as well so it's something that rings 'important' in my brain.  i kind of admire, tho, people who write here and those technical things aren't always perfect.  writing what they're thinking/feeling is most important, with technicalities being not so much.  many, many days i've wished i could do that - it seems it would be a lot simpler, easier, and would contain less pressure/expectations.  i struggle with that perfectionist part.

i'm glad you brought it up.  it's a reminder to me, once again, that i don't have to be perfect, especially here.  sending love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

thanks san!  As a child my M corrected my speech, volume, etc. seemingly on a daily basis. When I re-read a typo later, it rankles me. But that's just her old tapes in my brain. I'm made progress on the hyper critical stuff.

Update:

Wow, wow, wow! I am totally "flabbergasted" by the student introductory posts in my course. 7 so far, I make 8. What a wild variety of ages and life experience! (obviously I'm not struck dumb!)

I came up with a very polished post, referencing my time at school, past degree, past employment, and covered all the "why's" easily. I ended with a poem by Lao Tse about Peace in the World. I thought mine was long, however, my classmates like to write! Zippetty Doo Dah! I took out the book that gave me nightmares and will test out if I experience that again. Might be an aberration, if not, will permanently reject.

Dang if I don't feel all normal. It's been a nice day without drama of any kind. I took my 7 yards of fabric to school and used a vacant conference room table to square up my 62 inch pieces. Tomorrow, I drive to the "big city" to visit my ear surgeon. This is the first time I don't have complaints in 4 years! It will be a short one. 

[sanmagic7]

sounds good, bee.  so glad to hear you had a day w/o drama     even one day can be a relief from everything before.   love and hugs 

[BeeKeeper]

hey san, yes, it was a relief and badly needed. Thanks for the continued support. 

So, oopsie. I just read another post in the forum where Kizzie mentioned the 3 paragraph "standard." I missed that.  after all these years.   Now that I know, I'll amend.

A tiny bit of sadness today finding out that my implant surgeon is phasing himself out of practice. He's probably in his late 70's so realistic, even so. This is the second time in 2 weeks I've found out a prior surgeon was leaving, or left. The 71 mile round trip seemed really long this time. I picked up a name brand sleeveless top at the Salvation Army to wear at the photo gallery next Friday.  Already planning to make matching earrings in black and white.

Day 3 of withdrawal is going well. I'm feeling better than I thought I would. My thinking cycles between observation, memory review, analysis and enjoyment. I'm able to "put things down." So, there's hope. Naturally I woke up before 6 AM, but used that time to trim my last curtain piece to match the 3 others. Now I can serge blissfully, then iron, and finish it all up.

After reading the posts from my classmates, I'm struck by the experiences and opinions they share. My in person classes fell far, far short of the sophistication and thoughtfulness that I'm reading now. I feel a twinge of sadness that I don't have personal relationships with others that rise to the level of "wholeness", but that's like allowing myself to notice intact, even semi-healthy families where caring is the norm. The pity party then beckons. I'm concentrating on what's good or great about my life, and how I am appreciating the things I do have and the people that I value in it. 

[BeeKeeper]

August 28

Day 4 SSRI taper. I guess I've made some progress that I didn't realize. I'm learning to pace myself and ration my energy supply.
I made a horrendous mess with my beads and it took me 4 whole days to figure out how to clean up. By "mess" I mean different bead sizes, shapes, styles, where each one has their own storage area. Even though I've confined everything to 10 trays in my bedroom now, any particular tray contains from 30-75 different "tiny containers" where similar beads call home. I have an old Dymo labeler and use that a lot. The point being that each time I make something, and put away the materials, I'm nudged over and over to re-organize to make it streamlined and allow room for new purchases. I did a little work transferring and labeling for that purpose today and called it quits after a couple hours.

I'm not sure how this happened, but the ideas from Janina Fishers book and the ideas of radical compassion are starting to "kick in." There are predictable parts to each day that feel unsettled and push me towards compulsive eating or going out when I really don't want to. Today I felt that whole cycle coming on and decided I was going to stay calm and see what came up. I don't know how to explain it coherently, but in order to re-focus, I turned to different ways to "clean up" clothes, kitchen stuff, office stuff, library stuff. I switched back and forth until the "urge" passed to be mindless. Then I got down to business of creating a clear homework, reading surface. I collected my syllabus, texts and put them all in a fabric bag I'd made previously. When I rent textbooks, I'm especially careful since they are paperbacks. I'm allowing myself to feel the challenge of the task, the satisfaction of addressing it in part and the room to ask myself, what should I do now? And the morning is gone!