Rainy Diary 2021

[Armee]

Waiting to get in trouble almost sounds a little like an EF? I hope the inner critic takes a break soon. You deserve a lot of props for what you did and how you did it, not criticism.

[owl25]

Hi rainy, I hope you're doing okay. I am glad you have been able to get out of that unhealthy environment (your workplace). I'm sorry though for the students you have had to leave behind, I know that can't be easy and it sucks you've had to make that decision. I know you meant a lot to them and have helped them with their own difficult situations. I am glad you were able to leave your email address with some of them. I hope they'll reach out to you.

I can relate to the sense of doom/feeling that you're going to be in trouble with some kind of authority figure. I noticed a little while a go a feeling that I am a grown up now and I can do whatever the heck I please. There is no one there to disapprove or make me feel bad for anything. I still tend to experience my life as if there are still these old rules that need to be followed, but they don't. I can really do as I please in my life. All these unspoken rules just simply don't apply anymore. I can pursue any interest I may have. I can stay out as late as I want. I can be as social or unsocial as I want. I don't have to ask anyone for permission for anything. If I wanted to, I could quit my job and it wouldn't matter one bit in the sense of being judged for it (the loss of income is another matter but that's not what I'm getting at). I think what I'm getting at is that I am in charge of my life now, and I am free to make any decision I want, and it's totally up to me. No one else gets to have a say, only me. There's a sense of freedom with this that I have started to feel, although this has faded a bit in the last few weeks. But your situation kind of made me think of this. You are in charge of your life. Your old co-workers have no say about your decisions. I hope you can maybe catch a wisp of this feeling, that your life's yours and you get to decide. You already have when it comes to your work environment. 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, thank you.  It doesn't feel like it is going all that well, but each day brings up more than I was expecting.  Today I was introduced to the idea that gentle means meeting one where they are at.  I really liked that and am reflecting on that in terms of how I treat myself. 

Armee, it is possible I am in an EF.  I am having trouble getting myself oriented.  I notice that a routine of sorts would be helpful, but I feel stuck because I don't want to continue to stay attached to where I currently living.  I think I am keeping myself from feeling some things (like how sad I am to be leaving this state). 

Owl, I appreciate your message.  I am still growing my practice and understanding that I am an adult.  I think right now my biggest struggle continues to be how great I feel when I am completely alone (even away from my husband) and how I feel so terrible in relationship to others and in groups. 

.........

I am feeling sadness and other parts of my grief today. 

I tried to start running again last week and think it was too soon after my big run.  My body is not happy and it makes me scared.  I think my body just needs rest from running.  My body also has been feeling uncomfortable generally and I am struggling to find easeful ways of being in my body.  It makes me sad and angry that my body continues to hold so much tension.  Taking steps back and trying to be more gentle with myself is really tough right now. 

Yesterday my husband and I went to a corn maze.  I had fun for a while but then became incredibly disregulated because hunger, being too hot, and not knowing how much longer we would be in the maze tipped me over the edge.  After we got out of the maze and I had some food, I watched many children around me melting down.  I felt so foolish - I didn't learn good regulation tools as a child and am still reacting like one at times.  I would say that I handled it relatively well in that I communicated with my husband and we took steps to resolve....and yet I still feel so foolish for getting so overwhelmed.

Tonight I did my yoga training.  My group did a yoga sequence that triggered me.  And then our group spent time discussing consent and co-regulation and things that I care a lot about but struggle with every day.  The format of the training makes it difficult for me to process my experience with others. 

I also heard from two former coworkers today.  They are both folks I don't mind keeping some contact with...but contact with them is also difficult I am finding.  Given that they both reached out today it made me wonder what happened with my former most difficult coworker. 

I have been wondering of late how I am ever going to function around others.  My wounds are so deep and kept somewhat fresh by that most recent job.  And an upcoming move.  And a lot of uncertainty.  I am caught off guard by how sad I feel right now. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Larry]

Hi Rainy,  i hope things are better today

[dollyvee]

I am feeling grumpy.  Today a lot of memories my Inner Critic associates with being a "failure" are coming up. 

I keep waiting for some unnamed authority figure to come in and tell me I'm in huge trouble. 

Hi Rainy,

I'm just catching up on your diary and it sounds like you are doing well, even if it doesn't feel that way. Like you say change can be scary and bring up a lot of things for people with traumatic backgrounds. Your dream sounded very positive though, that you are able to swim away from the sludge.

This stuck out and resonated with me. So many times when I did something that I wanted to do, or that I felt was good for me, I would have this voice that would come up and bring me back down. I just wanted to send support and say to keep supporting yourself, recognise that you have good intentions, that you are doing the best you can and that you are capable of handling everything. Sometimes when we let go of all those expectations we have of ourself and that others have of us, we're also letting go of a kind of love that we think we need (or maybe needed as a child) but where we're not really seen. I don't know if that's applicable to your situation but just what I was thinking.

dolly

[Not Alone]

Yesterday my husband and I went to a corn maze.  I had fun for a while but then became incredibly disregulated because hunger, being too hot, and not knowing how much longer we would be in the maze tipped me over the edge.  After we got out of the maze and I had some food, I watched many children around me melting down.  I felt so foolish - I didn't learn good regulation tools as a child and am still reacting like one at times.  I would say that I handled it relatively well in that I communicated with my husband and we took steps to resolve....and yet I still feel so foolish for getting so overwhelmed.

My therapist has said to me, "You already hold so much." This analogy came to me. Suppose you were running a race and many other runners finished the race well before you did. You might ask yourself, "Why  couldn't I have finished sooner?" But you were running 20K and others were running 10K and others 5K. You weren't given good regulation tools as a child. Good job communicating with your husband and taking steps to resolve your distress. It's okay that it was hard for you. You are carrying a lot.

I am caught off guard by how sad I feel right now. 

Your decision to leave your job was kind and healthy. It was a loss so your sadness makes sense.

[rainydiary]

San, 
.....

Larry, I appreciate it.  I think I am finally starting to feel and process some things.  I also tend to notice anxiety in myself but not depression.  I think I have been depressed and that is what I am facing.  Thank you for your support.
.....

Dolly, your words are so powerful today.  I have done something that is right for me and my brain is trying to create drama.  I'm still working on it but I appreciate you saying this as it helps a lot.
.....

Not Alone, I appreciate the reminder of all that I carry.  I think that stuff is always there and I have been carrying it "better" of late.  But it is still heavy and all of these changes are bringing up more things that are pushing it out of balance.  I appreciate your support.
..........

I never really think of myself as a depressed person but I would say I have been depressed the past several weeks since I left my job......and I think depression is part of my story that I don't readily recognize. 

I have felt bad not coming to the forum of late.  I haven't known what to say or how to process what has happened.  I think I am starting to process some.

I have left a lot of jobs in my life and this was the first one I left with complete understanding of why I was going and with the decision to take care of myself.  That has put me in a place I don't know how to be in and that feels scary. 

Older parts of myself want to blame me for what happened.  I keep having flashes of my most difficult colleagues and their hurtful words.  I mostly feel anger and it makes my stomach hurt.  Yet, a newer, wiser part of myself says that leaving was a tremendous lesson for them.  I was teaching them things each day that deeply unsettled them and their reaction was harsh, mean, unkind, and unfair.  I know I didn't do anything wrong....I just wasn't with my people. 

I don't want to get a "regular" job when I move.  I want to create my own job and make work and money on my terms.  But that scares me and I don't really know how to do that.  I have so many ideas and want to build a community and fulfill my vocation but I am afraid.  I am afraid of failing.

I watched a presentation about anatomy for my yoga training and it was an anatomy conversation like I've never heard before.  It made me cry because a lot of the conversation was about safety and I often still don't feel safe in my own body.  The instructor was someone I hope to keep learning from.

The conversation of safety made me unsettled though and I think I generally don't feel safe right now because so much is unclear and uncertain.  Deep down I know it will work out....but it will take time and one step at a time. 

[owl25]

It sounds like there is a wiser part of you present that is offering you perspective and support. You are right, you didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like you have a sense that your most difficult colleague may be having to realize a few things about herself due to you leaving. If so, hopefully she'll learn from this experience.

It sounds like there's a lot of turmoil, but it also looks to me like you are on your way to a better future. I think self-employment is going to make a big difference for you, as hard and scary as it may seem right now. I think you will do well for yourself.

Things are unsettled now but they will get better and things will become clearer and less unknown. You'll get there. 

[Larry]

 

[dollyvee]

Dolly, your words are so powerful today.  I have done something that is right for me and my brain is trying to create drama.  I'm still working on it but I appreciate you saying this as it helps a lot.

Hi Rainy - wanted to send support and hope that you are gentle with yourself...your old programs/parts are trying to keep you safe. Hoping too that you can find some distance from those feelings around your colleague. Dealing with confrontation brings up all sorts of intense feelings. I've been trying to deal with stuff at work by putting up boundaries and reminding myself that I'm being professional. I'm doing my best at the job, I'm being polite but firm etc all things that are appropriate for work. This has been good for me, but not sure what's would work for you.

Even though it's difficult stuff, it does sound like you're processing some of the things that have happened to you 

[rainydiary]

Owl, I appreciate the reminders and support.  I've been going and going and going for so long.  This time of slowness is difficult but also needed I think. 
......

Larry, 

......

Dolly,  I appreciate your words and support.  My old programs are definitely trying to run and I am doing my best to create new ones.
..........

I am feeling worn out right now.  My husband hasn't been feeling well this weekend and when he gets sick it sets me back.  I fall into old patterns of trying to anticipate his needs and plan all around him.  Today I tried to remember that if he needs something I can give him the chance to express that on his own.  It's hard because I have compassion for him - he didn't receive care for being ill growing up.....but I can't undo that.  Today I ended up telling him I notice that I'm trying to guess his needs and left it at that.

I realized another way I had been triggered at work without realizing it - my colleagues knew that they were a cause in my difficultly and instead of acknowledging their role they put the blame on me.  My parents did the same thing.  A wiser part of myself knows that this happened with my colleagues and my parents for a lot of reasons that reflect their own unmet needs....but it still hurts a lot. 

Something that has been on my mind a lot this weekend is touch.  I didn't receive a lot of positive touch growing up, especially in difficult times.  And I don't get a lot of positive touch now.  I am sure I am touch deprived.  Sometimes I feel so sad that I married someone whose upbringing left such gaps.  Touch is a difficult discussion with my husband and I hope to find a way to discuss with him. 

[Armee]

Hi rainy,

I know this is a difficult time of year for you even without the added stress of leaving work, planning a future move, and your husband being sick. I think you are handling everything with a lot of insight and maturity. I hope you can find a way to address touch needs with your husband and to have more emotional intimacy.

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I echo what Armee said and am sorry it's a difficult time for you right now.

I noticed in your post that you are saying you were the difficulty at work and that you're trying your best to create new ones (programs). It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself for things that aren't your fault. I don't think anyone would label you as difficult for trying to put up boundaries with competitive, catty collegues who refused to address your need to have clearer scheduling guidelines and find a way (and space) that worked for everyone. That sounds very reasonable and it's also reasonable that you are still that child who had to put up boundaries to survive. No one would fault them. You're doing well!

dolly

I had written the above but realize I misunderstood what you wrote. Your colleagues recognized they caused you difficulty but didn't offer support and put the blame on you. I have also been in the same situation...it's so difficult and it has nothing to do with you. It left me with despair but doing the work we're doing has helped me to find some strength in that and realize that like you said, those aren't the ppl for you. Hope your next situation is more supportive.

d.

[Hope67]

You said "my colleagues knew that they were a cause in my difficultly and instead of acknowledging their role they put the blame on me.  My parents did the same thing.  A wiser part of myself knows that this happened with my colleagues and my parents for a lot of reasons that reflect their own unmet needs....but it still hurts a lot. "

Sorry, I tried to quote you, but missed out the first part so put quotations instead...

Hi Rainydiary,
I really resonate with what you wrote here, and I agree, that it does hurt a lot.  But you have considered and noticed the trend/tendency and your wiser part is indeed wise to acknowledge those things. 
Hope