Accepting Myself

[CactusFlower]

Good luck today with your interpreting and congrats on eating better lately. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you CactusFlower

The interpreting went well, much better than last time. Last time the clients were happy with me though too, but it was harder somehow.

I knew better how to prepare and what to prepare for today. I put off continuing my prep this morning by going back to bed and falling asleep for 2 hours, during which time there were a few FOO dreams in which my T also appeared and was trying to convince me not to take up contact again. So it's also possible that long nap wasn't just me running away from my prep work. Nonetheless once I got up again, I was able to quickly eat some breakfast and then get on with prep w/o distracting myself or otherwise running away from it.

I also made things easier for myself by pulling some clothes on top of my nightgown etc rather than forcing myself through shower and getting dressed before prep. To the casual observer it would have looked as if I was dressed, but I wasn't. I think it's possible that had I forced myself to shower et al. before prep work, I might have gone back to bed. So really good decision to act otherwise - got all my prep work done before showering   Then I didn't have much time for the latter so just quick wash and into my more respectable clothes and off I went.

At some point in my travels to get there, I remember feeling both purposeful and professional. It was a good feeling that I don't think I've ever had before interpreting, possibly because up until now I've been consumed by anxiety combined with feeling self-conscious about my appearance (Thanks, FOO. Not.). Possibly because of my T appointment last week or possibly just because of the way recovery is going atm, I'm shedding more of this ICr. stuff.

About a year or two ago I bought myself something like a cross between a thin briefcase and a zip-up folder to go to an interpreting appointment. I bought it because I didn't really have any suitable and smart-looking bag in which to carry my papers and various things. Just backpacks and cycling paniers etc. Today I could hear  M in my head saying that it's cheap and nasty. It's not leather, it's some sort of plastic or vinyl but not the cheapest, ugliest kind either. But that's a typical put-down from her - not that she has ever seen this particular piece of equipment or ever will - but 'cheap and nasty' if it's not the real thing, e.g. also for costume jewellery (spelling doesn't have to be perfect on here ). Pretty much a put-down for anybody in poverty. When I bought this zip-up folder/briefcase thing, it really felt like splurging so no way could I have bought something of a higher quality. It was good today that I dismissed M's imaginary remark right off the bat rather than taking ICr. on board. 

I've come back home today thinking I did well instead of cringeing and apologising in my head and thinking I'll never do that again. 

[Not Alone]

 

[Armee]

Wow Blueberry! This whole ENTIRE post is amazing. I'm so happy feeling reading all this. You did amazing today!

And translating is notoriously stressful work. Wow good job, Blueberry!

My favorite part is this:

I've come back home today thinking I did well instead of cringeing and apologising in my head and thinking I'll never do that again. 

[CactusFlower]

sometimes it's amazing how insidious that programmed commentary can be, so good on you for dismissing the putdown she would have used! 

[Blueberry]

Just as a side note, translating is written work and I do have a degree in it and a couple of years on the job before I crashed completely. Interpreting, which I do occasionally, consists of listening and speaking. Aside from being more or less bilingual and having or gaining an understanding of the relevant subject matter, the necessary skills as well as the hurdles you come across are different. I did just the one compulsory course in interpreting at university and 'knew' it wasn't my thing.

Now that I'm changing, gaining in confidence, and I suppose that my brain is changing e.g. blockages are unblocking, I'm finding that I can interpret. Not simultaneous! But consecutive, yes. One skill required is quick-thinking, which isn't easy when your brain switches off in panic under stress. Because of the way I was treated by FOO, having to make decisions on language e.g. correct word, terminology, correct meaning, correct interpretation - that's all high stress. I did actually choose this profession myself, strangely enough. But the amount of self-doubt about my own work that I carried in me was certainly part of the reason I collapsed due to exhaustion less than 3 years after graduating from university and getting a full-time position. Today I look back on what I achieved just yesterday and think 1) it's as if up until now in translation and interpreting I've been really struggling and only just barely surviving whereas yesterday I was thriving, at least by my standards - there is still room for improvement, but I'm not beating myself up about it, and 2) it's as if a switch flipped - it's not because I practised or whatever - it's just suddenly I managed to start preparing bit by bit over several days and suddenly I was able to mostly keep the anxiety at bay in the hours before the actual interpreting and suddenly I was able to listen and retain the content in my mind without blanking out, while more information was still coming and then this time it was much easier to present it in English.
Magic (in the world of Harry Potter, witches do magic)

It's my birthday today. Yesterday I got an invitation from the farm where I sometimes help to head up there today for a meal, which I did. I was very happy to get an invitation because I hadn't organised anything for myself! They even offered to pick me up by car but I felt good enough to cycle it and enjoyed doing that for the first time in about 2 weeks. The children were really sweet - they'd decorated a special seat for me at the table, before they went to school in the morning, and the two youngest kept me occupied most of the afternoon - one of them was teaching me how to make various origami animals and I was reading picture books to the very little one. The parents of the littlest ones apologised, but they didn't need to at all. I enjoyed spending the time with the children. Anyway their parents were in the room part of the time too doing various jobs. It's not as if I was babysitting or anything. Just fun time with little ones, no responsibility.

I also went off to visit the pigs, who weren't visible at first. So I was wondering what had happened to the pigs?? But then they started coming out of their sties. Then they were hilarious - I've never seen such crazy, active pigs there! They were play-fighting like young dogs, even rolling around on their backs and play-snapping at each other. Since I don't actually work with the animals when I'm there, I somehow often don't get round to visiting and observing them either.

I had a sudden idea on Sunday on the way home from choir at church: Why don't I convert to Catholicism? I was christened as a child into a different church (which doesn't exist in this country), but here I go to the Catholic church and am learning more and more about Catholic beliefs and growing and developing spiritually, so why not officially join? It really feels to me as if that would be a good next step for me. It also occurred to me that, surprisingly somehow, partially FOO prejudices have been clouding my perception, or maybe more now that some FOO prejudices or ICr. stuff have suddenly dropped away and a real part of me has emerged. "Surprisingly" because I hadn't realised up until now how prejudiced FOO is and how much that has affected me. FOO hides it in 'humour' and mockery. They'd make jocular remarks about Catholics 'genuflecting all over the place' and 'crossing themselves right, left and centre'. Why?? It's just part of their belief or how they express that belief. And actually involving concrete gestures and not just your thoughts and your head is actually a Good Thing - I know that from teaching. There are good reasons not to join the Catholic church or any church and there are good reasons to leave any church, especially if you've been abused in it, but I never have been. It has become a good support for me.

So a lot of progress just the past few days

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate you sharing the information and clarification about translation and interpretation.  In my work, I have worked with both and really value their work.  Your reflections and experience also give me space to consider both my relationship to bilingual individuals I work with as well as when an interpreter is involved.  The more I learn about trauma the more I see it present in my work in so many nuanced ways. 

[Not Alone]

Happy birthday, Blueberry. It put a smile on my face to think of you with the children and also of you laughing at the pigs.

[woodsgnome]

Hearty birthday greetings, Blueberry     

It was especially heart-warming to sense the heightened mood you seem to be in of late, bursting forth like a fresh ray of long-needed sunshine 

Interesting, your comments re interpretation and translating. Especially the quick mindedness sometimes required. I experienced this sort of thing in an improv acting gig I was involved with for several years. I was part of a troupe interpreting another era's history and culture for a variety of modern audiences. I'd never envisioned doing anything remotely like that, following on the heels of years of trauma, but I found that I could do it, fairly successfully even, despite that. And in spite of the quick-mindedness involved. So not quite the same sort of interpretation/translation you speak of, but I feel akin to the notion of 'translating' other ideas via quick turn-around dialogue.

The best part, though, was discovering that being surprised, as I was in falling into that sort of vocation, helped me open to new horizons, even ones that seemed impossible.

Being open to surprise also shifted my take on where and how I could develop my spiritual life. That this ever happened for me was another huge surprise, given that some of my major traumas resulted from years of religious abuses. That's a lengthy story, though, and I'd rather not go into it within your journal. My main point is to, again, be open to being surprised along these odd trails we end up travelling.

Thanks for being here, Blueberry, and sharing so openly. 

[Armee]

Happy Birthday Blueberry!!!

[sanmagic7]

 

happy birthday, blueberry!  i hope it was a good day for you.  love and a hug filled with lovely birthday wishes.  

[Hope67]

Happy Birthday for yesterday Blueberry 

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Happy Belated Birthday!!!

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much Armee, san, Hope and CactusFlower 

________________

Progress   I went to a cinema to see a documentary film I really wanted to see but which I knew might be a little difficult to watch. I knew there was going to be some violence because it was about 3 young people in 3 different non-European/non-N.American countries engaged in protest movements right on the front line - protest for democracy and that kind of thing. I knew there was going to be police violence etc.

I always take a little worry egg with me to the cinema to hold in my fingers, so this time too. I did so well this evening! I didn't have to close my eyes for a while or look away, I didn't hold my breath. I did yawn a few times under my mask but that's one semi-automatic way I have of releasing stress. It just sort of happens. Occasionally I made a small voluntary movement with my body similar to shuddering, but it being voluntary meant I was doing it on purpose and it seemed to help! Along with yawning I did a fair amount of exhaling, though quietly to not disturb others. Since it was a documentary I couldn't even remind myself, as I have done in the past, that none of it's real, that's just an actor, not real life, just looks as if they're injured but they aren't etc. What's more, I didn't even need to!

Big step forwards

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I admire that you anticipated what you might need to watch the film and found ways to care for and support yourself so that you could watch a film you wanted to see.