still digging

[Armee]

San,

I'm sorry the picture is so painful. It does show your love that you wanted to try. I'm glad you noticed how it was affecting you and put it away. Those seemingly little things can have a big effect on how we feel,, so good for you for noticing and then honoring that gut feeling. I have the same reactions to photos of my mom, even baby photos of her. Heebie jeebies!

Sending you some get stuff done (safely) vibes so you can get your room set up in a way that feels settled and healing.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, i totally understood about having to move to another bedroom.  i hope that's settled somewhat.  i've never thought too much about the phrase 'creature comforts', but to me, this moving stuff takes us out of our comfort zones and having to set up our little nest again (for the creature that is us) takes time, effort, and work.  and thank you, too, for the validation about my D1's pic.   

thanks, armee, for the caring.  it was her eyes that were bothering me.  she's been judging me with her eyes since she's been 4 - later, when she had the words, she used them in the same way.  heebie jeebies, indeed! 

a little unsettled today.  we talked about my feeling of being alone all my life, especially at bedtime (which is when i invariably have a bout of anxiety after my D leaves the room to go to her own room.  as my T and i discussed it, it went along with the entire feeling of having had to take care of myself on all levels.  i'm seeing more and more how this began when i was very little, has affected me, my judgments, my perspective, and my decision-making throughout the years. 

i can take responsibility for my decisions, but they were made from a skewed world-view, and a nearly non-existent me-view. that concept just became concise and concrete in my consciousness as i've been writing - the power of the pen!  right now it's too big to follow, so i'll stop.

[sanmagic7]

another major realization this morning. i related, again, the memory of my parents' responses to the time i went to them in terrible distress, crying, telling them how alone i felt (had just begun a new school where i knew no one), how my mom stood there, not saying a word, no touch of comfort, and my dad asking me if i was mental, what's wrong with me, did i need to see a shrink? all said in a quite demeaning way because in those days mental health issues were ignored for the most part, and, yeah, only the 'mentals' went for professional help.

i told her i stopped crying after that, didn't cry again until i began therapy, about 25 yrs. later.  she said she thought it was quite a shaming thing for them to do, like it was shameful for me to have emotions.  i felt it in my gut, like i'd been punched.  thought that came to mind, and that i was able to speak aloud were that i had been shamed away from being human, having emotions.  shamed into being a robot w/o feelings.

since i've never really felt ashamed before, this was a revelation to me.  however, i can see the alexithymia written all over it.  i didn't go to my mom's memorial service cuz i didn't want to let anyone see me cry - i had to be strong, and i was afraid i wouldn't be able to.  it's why i could have no empathy for others.  why i was confused so much of the time, why i never felt heartbreak all those times my heart had been broken, never felt the pain, humiliation, none of it during my life.

i've been struggling with this all day, and not doing well.  it's so huge.  i was able to flash thru a bit of it focusing on the image of my nurturing angel to comfort me, get me away from them, take me to a cloud where she embraced me and said soothing words (but not before flipping my parents off with one of her feathers!), told me there's no shame to being human, no guilt to being human, and no weakness to being human.  it was lovely to have help with this - it took no energy out of me.

however, it's been a disturbing concept to me all day.  the idea that i was shamed for being human is huge to me - it denies my entire self as a valid entity.  tonite i still can't settle.  it's nearly unbelievable something like this could happen, but in my gut i know it's true.  my T said she'd like to talk to my 13-yr. old self next time, and i think she included my folks in that conversation as well.  i told her i can't see it, but i'm willing to give it a shot.

this memory has been worked on several times during the years, including w/ emdr, but for some reason it never 'took'.  maybe i wasn't ready, or maybe, no, for sure no one had connected it to shaming before.  i know i should (should?) be glad of this breakthrough, but i'm in such distress and pain right now, i don't know if it's worth it. 

my T had thought of 3 specific topics for working on today, i picked this one cuz it seemed the most concrete and the easiest, since i'd already done work on it before.  little did i know!  once again, i find myself in a dark place, not wanting to do this anymore, just disappearing, running away, just having the pain stop, the disturbance roiling inside me to leave.  as i sat outside later, i felt my brain sort of untangling somehow, as if something tightly wound had loosened.  i began fearing for my sanity, which has been on my mind all day.  losing that would be worse than death to me.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, san. That does sound like a very big thing to work through. Wishing you peace and the energy to work on this.
(btw, I love the mental image of the angel flipping "the bird" to them)

[rainydiary]

What a big and tremendous thing to uncover and connect.  I hope your angel brings you comfort.

[sanmagic7]

CF and rainy - thank you both.

altho i feel a bit more put together today, i still feel fragile.  tried to respond on someone's post, couldn't.  can't talk about this anymore right now.

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you for that lovely hug, notalone. 

going downhill, talked to my T today, she said she/we have to do something more for me.  after next week she'll be gone 2 1/2 weeks.  i'm glad for her but scared to be w/o her cuz of all these dam triggers and what they do to me.  i feel like i'm saying the same things over and over, but they keep getting darker and darker.  thank god for my D - she's keeping me alive.  it's very dark where i live right now.

don't know if i should be saying these kinds of things here.  i'm not suicidal, but . . . i continue to be more and more miserable with each memory/experience/situation from my past that i explore.  each realization, each new emotion, every memory that has shredded me, they all take turns coming up and slapping me down.  i've struggled to keep myself alive and sane all my life, and now i have to do it thru my recovery.  i'm supposed to be feeling better for doing this, but each new issue brings it's own stultifying issues to deal with on top of the original ones. 

there have been some improvements but having to recognize and feel what was beyond my scope before is overwhelming me.  i'm doing what i can to make it to tomorrow.  how many times have i said that?  seems like every other week now.  my T wants to build up my resilience to these emotional bombshells, but i don't see how.  i've built brick walls, bulletproof windows, a pressure cooker image - nothing stays, nothing keeps protecting me, nothing allows me to feel safe for more that an hour or so.  i'm living on fumes.  give me strength.  please.

just had to vent.  maybe i'll feel better tomorrow.

[paul72]

hi sanmagic

Just wanted to let you know that you are cared for so much here. I hope tomorrow is better and that some joy and peace visit you today somehow.
Gentle hugs and wishes for you to be less overwhelmed. You are incredibly strong even if you don't feel it right now 

[CactusFlower]

Hugs from me as well, san. Here's wishing you some peace and less overwhelm.

[Not Alone]

San, I really get it. I wish I could offer answers or comfort. My T will be gone for 2 weeks and that isn't for a few months, and I already feel anxiety about that, so I understand about being scared about your T being gone 2 1/2 weeks. I care about you, San.

[Armee]

Sending tons of strength to you, along with softness. And gentle reminders it is ok to take a break from processing. You shouldn't have to relive these things so close together. It's OK to just focus on pulling back together and gaining strength for the things you love.

[Larry]

 

[dollyvee]

Hi San,

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I often feel like things "get" to me and I can't protect myself. I feel like I've felt this way my whole life which is maybe why I'm so sensitive around other people. Since I started experimenting with different vitamins and amino acids, I've noticed that some make me feel more susceptible and "weak" and others give me a bit more resilience. I did the Braverman Assessment and there apparently are different states related to dominant neurotransmitters in the brain. I don't know if it is proven etc just that when I took substances that increased my serotonin and GABA (?) (5-HTP/L-theanine), I became more susceptible and not in a good way.

Braverman's opinion is that "producing too much GABA may ratchet up your nurturing tendencies to the point where you ignore your own needs or end up getting hurt. You may spend too much energy looking for love, and then relying too heavily on you mates. You may look too much to authority figures for advice and continuously craving and following the advice of others." I'm just a person experimenting and forming opinions based on my own experiences but perhaps it might be a starting point. Given what we discussed elsewhere about addiction and DRD2 receptors,  this might be of interest on how dopamine and a lack of dopamine can hinder our response to conditioned fear: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30179855/

Sending you support  ,
dolly

[sanmagic7]

phil, thank you for your kind words.  they made me smile. 

hey, CF, i appreciate your well wishes a lot.  thank you. 

notalone, your caring about me touched me warmly.  thank you.

hey, armee,  thanks for the reminder of taking a break.  part of the reason i haven't been here in a while was just that.  things were settling, and i didn't want to write or read about more pain cuz it felt like it would stir it up inside me, and i just wanted to rest. 

and a  back atcha, larry.

dolly, thanks for all the info and the support.  i may look more closely into it at a later time, but right now my brain doesn't have the energy.  still, i appreciate it.

as i said above, things seem to have settled with me the past few days.  today in therapy we did a bit of flash tech. on a memory of me saying good-bye to my first mex. love when i was leaving mexico.  it was hurtful, dismissive, and full of denial, but for some reason i hadn't let it go yet.  working on it today, i was able to understand it's one of those things i couldn't change, couldn't have said anything to change his mind or his words, but was just another man-child i'd gotten involved witj.

cowards is how i see them.  so, i've still been in pain, still been crying, but it seems to have a focus and clarity that wasn't there before.  mostly it's a profound sadness that i'll just need to get thru.  time will help (even tho some of this is from decades ago - i guess time isn't always the answer to traumatized minds).

still, i never properly grieved anyone who left my life, nor parents who weren't there for me, or even the people i've eliminated.  not even sure if i've grieved the NC for my D1 enough.  too much to think about now, tho.  i'm making my way thru, even if it's slow.  i'm only consciously realizing lately how much pain and hurt i never felt thru all those experiences.  it sucks that i have to feel it now, but i guess it needs to be felt.  seems like enough recovery has occurred to make room for these next chapters.  tired.