still digging

[Armee]

 

I'm glad you took a break, though I miss you when you are gone.

[CactusFlower]

Wishing you energy and hugs through all this. Grief does seem to be the topic lately, doesn't it? I get it when you talk about not feeling grief at the time. It's like our bodies are saying, "ok, now you are able to deal with this." You are not alone in dealing with postponed grief.

[sanmagic7]

armee, the truth is that i miss me, too, when i can't be here, besides missing all of you.  it's kind of a horrible feeling to have to isolate myself, even from everyone here, in order for my brain to cool off, settle down, allow me some stability that continuing to dig into my own pain or witnessing the pain of what others here are going thru doesn't help me.  it's a lesson i'm slowly learning - to put myself first for self-care.  it's a tough one, tho, cuz i want to be here for everyone, but am realizing it's not always best for me.  thank you for your kindness and caring, as always, my dear.

hey, CF, yeah, i've read several grief entries here lately.  i think you hit it on the head when you said our bodies (and brains/minds) are finally able to deal with this.  thanks so much for your support.

woke up feeling pretty good today.  we'll see what the next trigger brings, but i'll deal with it when/if it happens.  i think that's always been the strongest thing about me is the faith i've held that whatever happens i'd deal with it.  i held onto that faith thru all my adventures.  on the other hand, i don't remember having hope for the future, didn't plan for the future, didn't fear the future (at least not that i could feel) so i think faith took the place of all those entities.

i did some small processing yesterday on the ending of another important relationship in my life i haven't been able to let go of.  i may need a bit more to shrink the picture that's been 'haunting' (the idea of hauntology just came to mind) me, again for years and years.  this particular good-by happened as i was about to leave mexico with my first mex. love.  unfortunately, altho i could see the nature of our past relationship, he denied, dismissed, and demeaned both it and me.

i'm now able to acknowledge the pain and hurt of what he said to me, and that it's time i let that go.  even as i was processing, i realized i couldn't change his mind, his way of thinking, or his perspective and need to accept it for what it was - another man who couldn't act like an adult, who was too afraid to speak the truth.  another realization was he needed to protect himself for some reason.  as i was processing, i watched myself let him be with all his own issues before turning and walking away.  and as i was walking, i raised my fist in the air and gave him a one-finger salute.

while i may have more tears to shed about these 2 men i've been working on, i'm not so afraid of being overwhelmed.  it seems something shifted with the whole 'shame' thing and my parents not allowing me to have feelings.  it was a huge realization.  along w/ general shaming, i talked about being ashamed to be female, feminine, or acknowledging my body parts as something to enjoy and be proud of.  so much repression (plus it was the 50's, when everything was repressed).  to this day i wear baggy tops, but now i realize all that bagginess thru the years was probably a result of being ashamed of my feminine attributes. 

and so it goes . . .   

[Armee]

I love the part about the one finger salute. Well earned delivery!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  it brought a smile to my face as i pictured myself doing it, too.  as always, your support is appreciated.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, san, sounds like you're making progress on this issue. I too love the one finger salute sendoff!

[sanmagic7]

thanks for another smile, CF, and for your support. 

still feeling more solid this morning.  it's kind of a wonderment - after feeling so miserable for so long, this is a little difficult to trust.

[sanmagic7]

well, my time off from therapy has begun - i won't have another session till may 6.  my T did ask me to email her while she's gone, tho.  she said she'll be thinking of me and wants to hear, good or bad, how i'm doing.  very sweet. 

so far i'm feeling ok, but honestly, it's difficult to judge anymore just what 'ok' means for me.  i'm able to exist with less feelings of distress than at other times, less meds, less cigs.  it's hard to gauge anymore.  maybe it's more like i feel less miserable than i have.  there have been so many layers of how i've felt physically and mentally, i just can't tell.

writing about this made me anxious.  there's a clue.

[CactusFlower]

  I know we're not therapists, but we're here to listen to you!

[Armee]

Sending big hugs. Sometimes long breaks have been helpful for me just to put all that on the back burner and decompress, but it's also usually accompanied by a bit of a feeling of desperation too. Let us knownwhat you need. 

[sanmagic7]

CF, such a sweet offering.  thank you for that.

hey, armee, i believe you're right.  we'll see which way this one goes, or if it takes more than one turn.  thanks.

for the past few days, i have to admit i've continued to feel ok.  walked 2x today, lifted yesterday, felt less dependent on cigs and meds today.  each day counts, i know, and hooray for small victories. 

i watched a QE episode tonite about a woman who took care of special needs animals on a rescue farm, and how overworked she was taking care of everyone and everything else.  when the fab five came, she nearly collapsed in sobs.  they were all concerned about her display of emotion, but i thought i'd do exactly the same if they were to come to take care of me and my D like that.

one thing i couldn't relate to, tho, was the idea that in just 2 days, she was joyful, happy, having unadulterated fun.  i could not imagine that happening to me, and i immediately thought of my traumatized background not allowing that to happen.  not just in a couple days.  i can remember happy, fun-filled times in my life, but never that joyful, hopeful feeling.  dang, this crapola interferes so much.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,

Firstly, I want to send you a big hug 

I'm glad that you've continued to feel ok for the past few days.  I agree that each day counts, and very much say 'hurray' for small victories.  I think they're big victories.

That QE episode you watched, you mentioned that the person became 'joyful, happy, having unadulterated fun' - and that happened in just 2 days - I thought to myself that they've probably edited that programme to depict that, and even if she did feel that way, or appear to feel that way, then maybe she might get a dip in her mood after the cameras and stuff go away.  So really it's not authentic that she changed so quickly, but they made a programme.  I am sorry, it sounds a bit critical to say that, but I think TV tends to show what they want to, rather than necessarily showing what is 'real'.  What I'm trying to say is that I hope you don't let it get you down too much.   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, hope, for your perspective.  i really appreciated it.  you're absolutely right - we have no idea what is happening a month or a year after the cameras stop filming.  maybe i might've been the same way, caught up in the moment of loveliness.   

still feeling ok today, but i'm noticing that future worries are creeping in.  we may have the possibility to lease a car next month, but it's not for certain, and i can't get excited about it.  don't know if credit scores are high enough, that kind of thing.  it would be wonderful because it would allow us to go to farmers markets in the area to sell our books (we've had great success with that in the past) and to go to various conventions as well. so, a lot is riding on whether this can actually happen.

i can feel myself pushing these concerns down. i want to let them out here rather than with my D cuz she's very excited about the prospect and is looking forward to having transportation again.  it would be wonderful, for sure, as i know i'm going to need to get into the doc's office soon, get all that bloodwork done, have them talk to me about my weight, whether i'm diabetic or not (my blood sugar has run high for at least 45 yrs.) and get referrals for both a dermatologist and an ophthamologist. 

the possible medical problems i might be facing have been put on the back burner for years cuz i just couldn't afford looking into them.  still pushing them down, but they are beginning to insist on being heard.  just thinking about it ramps my anxiety up to the roof.  i do have access to a disability transport to wherever i need to go, but i'd much rather be able to go by car.  so, yeah, getting a car would be nice.

[Armee]

I can completely understand not wanting to get hopes up about the car. It sure would be nice to have one. So much freedom and opportunity. And disability transports are inconvenient. I'm so glad we are anonymous on this site, but the down side is not getting to do things like read your books, or order jewelry from Bee, etc.

I feel so sad that finances and transportation have had to prevent you from checking on those medical concerns. It's just not right and I'm angry it's so costly.

[rainydiary]

San, it is unfair when systems work in ways that aren't supportive to people.  I hope that all unfolds in a manageable way.