The Next Version Of Me

[Bach]

There's an entity down there in my gut, and he is not happy.  He's not exactly part of me and doesn't exactly belong in there.  He belongs with me but he's not supposed to be trapped in my body.  When I realised that what was down there wasn't another child-me, I thought it might be a pet, a companion (A pibble doggy! With pretty eyes! Who could protect me and keep me from getting hurt!).  But now I think he's a boy twin, unformed, unborn, undeveloped, always meant to be part of me but also separate, trying to grow in there when he should be out here where we can love and help each other.  No wonder he hurts all the time.  But I am trying to learn that he loves me and I don't have to be afraid of him

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I found what you wrote to be very strong in a positive way - it's hard to put words to the emotion that came up in me when I read what you wrote, but I related to what you wrote, and I think that it's huge that you're making contact with that entity inside your gut, and you recognise him as a boy twin.  I am so sorry that he hurts all the time, I wish there was a way to help him feel safe.  You said 'I am trying to learn that he loves me and I don't have to be afraid of him' - I hope that you can do this, and wish you strength or whatever you need to do that.   

Hope 

[Bach]

Thank you for your reply, Hope    I'm trying to learn how to make him feel safe.  His name is Solomon.  Not Sol or Solly.  Solomon.  I can feel him in there right now, scared of being named and scared of being loved.  I am telling him it's okay.  It's hard for him to believe me.  He's like Other that way.  I love him.  I hope that's enough. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach, thanks for sharing this.  i hope you can find resolution, comfort, and care for solomon.  lovely name, and it always brings to mind the wisdom of king solomon.  being you, i have no doubt your love for and patience with him will eventually help him not be scared.  sending love and a hug filled with the best of everything you both need.

[CactusFlower]

Hey Bach, gentle hugs for you if you want them. It was very powerful to read about Solomon and I totally resonate with names being specific.  Wishing you both peace and affection.

[Bach]

I've been undone by the move and by selling the old house. The sale closes this week but I did not make it all the way through without getting ill. I have regressed 20 years in my self-care and emotional regulation. Eating poorly, doing too many drugs, blubbing, having emotional outbursts, staying up too late at night reading or messaging or surfing the internet in bed, because I feel safe in bed but only when I'm awake entertaining myself in those mostly meaningless but comforting ways. My Person is also massively stressed, which makes him uncharacteristically snappish and impatient with my need for understanding and reassurance. He does his best and I know that he needs space to be dealing with a full-time job, an arduous physical task and a laborious emotional transition because although he may not suffer from cptsd, he is still human. So I support and encourage him the best I can and don't lean on him any more than I have to, but that takes a toll on my health as well. I'm now at that point where I really MUST try to sleep, give myself a help with some klonopin or melatonin or something but I'm reluctant to face the insides of my eyelids.

Solomon says Hello to our friends here

[paul72]

Hi Solomon  Happy to meet you!!

I hope your day improves Bach and that you find some moments of peace and joy today ... just wanted to send a gentle supportive hug if you want it   

[sanmagic7]

hey, solomon.  glad you're here.

bach, my heart goes out to you as you're going thru all this.  i can relate to so much of what you've written, and i know it sucks.  self-care has also been a tough one for me - i've gotten by utilizing the same things you talked about.  some of it i've been able to let go of now, but that's only been after years of working on my issues.  you'll get there, my dear, of that i have no doubt.  please don't beat yourself up about it.  we've all done what was necessary to get thru.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Solomon is unsettled.  He is tired of all the bad habits.  Tired of me not taking care of myself.  He feels helpless because he's stuck way down there inside me with all the worst stuff that life threw at us during my infancy and early childhood years.  He knows what I need to be doing for myself, for us, and he wants to help me but I am somehow not able to let him. 

[CactusFlower]

*says hi to Solomon*  Habits are not easy to change, it takes time. Have you thought about asking Solomon if there are other ways he could help you, see what might be suggested? Just a thought.  Thinking positive for you, Bach.  gentle hugs if you want them.

[Bach]

san, I was thinking about you mentioning the wisdom of Solomon, and it's apt even though the name comes not from there but from one of the weird old stories my mother used to tell about how I got my name. (I wonder which story is true.)

Cactus, he says I can ask, but since I'm the one on the outside it's up to me to heed. He's right, of course.

I've been making myself ill with food, probably because I'm just too morbidly fearful of actually getting on with my life in my new house. I am too afraid of evolving. It's been too easy to use the continuing house sale saga as an excuse to be ill and stressed, to behave badly and put off the upcoming project of discovering who I'm going to be in this new environment. But that saga will conclude today. The sale is closed. My Person has to go back today for a few items from the deck, but I don't have to go with him. There will be a crew in the house redoing the living room and kitchen floors for the new owners. The ones we often talked about redoing but never did. I hope the floors are beautiful and that the new owners love them, and love my house, the house that after 24 years is not my house anymore. I can't wrap my head around the TIME.

[Hope67]

 

Bach, it's such a huge thing to have moved home and have those things happen regarding the house you were in previously.    I also hope that the new owners appreciate the house and love it.

Time is such a strange thing - how it passes, and what happens within it. 

I hope you can be kind to yourself, and that your time in your new home is something that will evolve and be ok. 

Hope 

[Bach]

I have transplant shock. I've been dug up and moved and replanted, and I've dropped all my leaves and am looking unhealthy as my roots try to find their way into unfamiliar soil. But perhaps yesterday with its explosion of leaning in to the sickness was rock bottom. I did a little better today at looking after myself than I did yesterday. So I will build on that. I will start by doing a tapping meditation in the morning.

[paul72]

hi Bach ....
That is quite a powerful analogy. I hope your day got better with the tapping meditation.
That reminded me of something else I read once about when you're feeling buried maybe it's simply your time to bloom. (forgive me if that's cheesy)
I hope your new place becomes familiar and you keep feeling better each day... and that it feels like home before you know it 

[Bach]

Thank you, phil  I needed that kind word.  I'm afraid I did not do a tapping meditation this morning.  I don't know why.  Because self-care is hard, I guess.  And I have a hard time getting started in the morning.  But I did do an okay job of taking care of myself today, took a nice walk, had a chat with a friend, put away another two things, and didn't overdo it with drugs and food.  So I'll try again tomorrow with the tapping.  It's such a good idea in theory.

My household continues its run of bad luck in employment, in that once again, My Person's job went away through no fault of his own.  That happens sometimes in our industry, but twice in a row so close together is a notably bad run.  This is especially difficult right now because we'd had a run of great luck with that for a few years before this past December, and we had such great luck with finding our new house and selling the old one, and this makes child-me who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop feel like we must have used up all our good luck and now everything is going to be hard and scary and overwhelming again forever and ever.