Accepting Myself

[sanmagic7]

it sounds so good to me about feeling that anger, blueberry.  it sounds like it's helping you, too.  very glad for you.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, blueberry! I'm impressed you're channeling that anger  to get stuff done. Sounds like lots of progress there.

[Blueberry]

Thanks    It's tons of progress. And what's more, it's happening of its own accord so to speak. This is not the type of thing I can force. It's like a dam burst this week. All of a sudden I can type way faster and better, I can write on here or an email w/o second-guessing myself on every third word, I walk quickly around town w/o thinking about it or pushing myself to do so. Today I have been rushing partially b/c so much going on today, but the big thing is: I can rush w/o it triggering a trauma response. For decades it triggered a trauma response - I realise this now. I did realise before now that rushing didn't do me any good and that as of some point during my years of reacovery and therapy I haven't been able to do it, but now - boom! Rushing has caused a trauma response since some time in childhood or teens. And today! Big reduction in that.

I've just been cooking up food that's been lying around needing to be used for quite a while - it hasn't gone bad yet but definitely needed to be used. Previously food used to sometimes go to waste (even tho that's totally against my green/eco thinking) because I was given it by someone from their garden or picked it myself and didn't have the wherewithal to even wash it never mind prepare or preserve in some form. It's not because I realise I need to budget better b/c of FOO shenanigans and LL shenanigans (rent going up in Oct. and next year, additional costs) and also because of rising utilities (see war in Europe and upcoming global environmental concerns) since that cognitive stuff doesn't bring me progress. Cognitive stuff leads to "I should" which not only doesn't work but usually sends me skidding onto my nose.

Aside from cooking - I also washed the dishes, ate of course, and had a full day at my online lit. translation workshop and between that and cooking/eating, I mowed the rest of the lawn and cut back some undergrowth LL had been complaining about and also managed to wrap the long electric cable from teh lawnmower back on the cable drum, a type of activity which is very difficult for me for some trauma-related reasons I'm not clear on. It's 11 pm, I will be turning in for the night shortly but wow! And these changes have been going on since Tuesday and I have no reason to think I will collapse tomorrow either.
Although I say it myself:

                                                                         

[sanmagic7]

right along w/ you, blueberry.      pretty amazing!  love and hugs

[Armee]

Yay Blueberry!!! I'm so inspired by your parts work. But just blown away by the strength in this:

And to go back to Inn.Cr. - somebody else with a different past and/or pace of healing probably could've reacted (somewhat?) differently toward LL, FOO etc. but I'm not that person! I'm me, with all that entails. Quite probably with strengths and talents that this fictional person has never even heard of. I'm not by nature defective. I'm ME! Growing, developing and turning into somebody far 'more' than FOO could ever imagine and far more than I ever envisaged either. I'm interested to see how far I can develop and in what direction(s) - emotionally, intellectually, psychologically.

Yes!!!!! X 1000

Also thanks for mentioning the self compassion workbook. My sister-in-law  gave me two self compassion workbooks for my birthday. I think I was triggered by that and shoved them under a pile somewhere but your posts make me need to admit I need to pull them out and do the work. Grumble.

But really phenomenal work Blueberry. I agree that as frustrating as it is, trauma work sometimes needs to come first. We just can't quite do the other stuff in life without healing first, and deserve to heal. It's why I left my job too. I couldn't really do both and I couldn't manage work without healing anymore.

[CactusFlower]

Absolutely wonderful!        Sounds like you are doing so well lately. hugs to you!

[Blueberry]

  as I read all your responses.

Today another inspiring, uplifting and final day at the lit. translation summer school! Towards the end I suddenly conked out. Complete brain block and 10 mins of grounding skills didn't help. But a quick email to the instructor did: "Pls give me an idea how I could use the remaining time to get something out of it for me"! He made a suggestion and it worked! Not only did it help me unblock but I came up with a draft translation of the short piece we had been working on, read it to the group when we re-convened, felt happy about it myself and wasn't ashamed or embarrassed or anything FOO-related like that.

[CactusFlower]

  Awesome, Blueberry!  I never would have thought about asking the teacher that. Congrats and gentle hugs!

[Armee]

 

Congrats on finding a way to speak up for your own needs with the teacher!

And good job completing the course and masterfully pulling yourself out of a difficult EF. Enjoy the day Blueberry!

[Blueberry]

Thank you both Armee and CF!

__________
Another T appt today, same T as last time. I'm pretty much good to stay with her, although we do have a few more trial appts.

From something she said about diss. diagnoses, in particular my one which is called "mixed dissociative disorders" and has its own ICD 10 code number, I had an aha! moment. Or several maybe. I understand now at a deeper level why it has been so important to me up to now to keep working in my profession for money. The other options would be: try and get some sort of p/t thing in some capacity as disabled person, e.g. re-shelving at one local supermarket, or occasionally teach for cash (but that is illegal and I don't want to work illegally actually ) but mostly give up, or teach and arrange for my students to pay to a local charity I like to support where I could maybe get products from them that they 'sell' on a by-donation basis to raise funds, e.g. pots of jam and stuff like that, but basically it would be me not earning what I need, and not trying to get any new students, it would be me enabling 1 or 2 students to continue.

The important thing I realised today is that keeping my little business going - which would include having an office + teaching space outside my personal space (apt) - means supporting my professionally-working Adult of today. It also means supporting the Parts of me (including younger ones) that are bookish and intellectual, but also creative, talented, good-at-my-job, empathetic, interested in the young people I work with and how they develop and how I can help them develop their potential. It includes supporting the Adult of today as she/I integrate/s the talents and interests and growth of younger Parts. There's still a lot of growth going on! Growth that normally would be championed by caring FOO mbrs with average to above average emotional intelligence. T of the past 5 years agreed that I grew up in a family with high intellectual intelligence, but explained that they were way below average in emotional intelligence. They certainly didn't champion my growth (!), and they still don't because it would rock the FOO boat too much.

All this growth is going on - normally growth that would happen in early and later childhood, in early teens, late teens and on up into your 20's and even early 30's maybe. It's all a few decades later-than-normal. But. It would be a good idea to keep going with that and not 'throw in the towel' as far as my working life goes - even though at least Part of me wants to, but I think several Parts for differing reasons. Especially one Part that still feels very close to FOO in the sense that this Part still agrees with a lot of what certain FOO mbrs have said or intimated in the past. For this Part even SIL2 counts as a FOO mbr. - unfortunately SIL2 is treated as one in FOO, she has far more say than she ought to, but also she speaks out different aspects of what M, F, B1 and B2 all agree with, which includes slamming me down. (Wow, more and more became clear while I was writing, esp. about SIL2's influence.)

Another thing which occurred to me today after T appt: I remember in the years after I'd gone back into contact with FOO, B1 used to sometimes make jocular remarks about how I'm similar to M in ways e.g. I appear wary of modern technology. And hahaha isn't that funny that I criticise M and don't get on with her. Today :lightbulb: it's pretty likely that M has a diss diagnosis on top of having what I presume is cptsd. Narc on top of it all probably. So the similarity B1 was seeing is a symptom, it's not the real ME. Might not even be our real M - but the problem in her case is, no one knows who/what the real M is! She hasn't looked at herself, she hasn't worked on herself,  there's no growth!

And it's still important for me to write on here because in doing so I move forwards! I realise things about myself faster than I would otherwise. Somehow, writing on here enables me to make connections in my head. Thanks OOTS.

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ you, blueberry, about how enlightening it can be to write here.  i'm glad you are able to see your way thru the entire employment thing, and what will be in your own best interest.  great insight!  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

And to go back to Inn.Cr. - somebody else with a different past and/or pace of healing probably could've reacted (somewhat?) differently toward LL, FOO etc. but I'm not that person! I'm me, with all that entails. Quite probably with strengths and talents that this fictional person has never even heard of. I'm not by nature defective. I'm ME! Growing, developing and turning into somebody far 'more' than FOO could ever imagine and far more than I ever envisaged either. I'm interested to see how far I can develop and in what direction(s) - emotionally, intellectually, psychologically.

I feel flabbergasted at what all has just flowed partially from my subconscious. But I am leaving it up. And not adding the spooked icon, b/c just a tiny bit of me wants to put that in, not most of me.

Blueberry, I just want to shout, "Yahoo!!!"


                                      


                                    

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much notalone! It did me a whole load of good to see that quotation from my previous post with your added fireworks and cheerleader and party and everything!

And it continues: today I noticed again how much easier and faster basic meal preparation for myself is. It's often not till something changes for the better that I notice how debilitating my previous state-of-being was. And with meal preparation being so much easier and faster, I notice that my craving for none too healthy food has decreased! Wow. I'd thought that was something I was really going to have to work on sometime. Maybe I still will, but for past few days it's been incredible how those cravings are much reduced.

Yesterday a new adult student inquired about language lessons and today another one did. Things are looking up. I also got a translation inquiry but turned that down Both interested language students are coming this week - sometimes people inquire but they're hesitant - not really interested. These two are though. Not the best time at all to be moving my business back into my apt.

Had a little break there when I went outside to check on the after-effects of some loud vandalism. It's late evening here and something of my business neighbour's has been pretty much broken. I even phoned the police for him! I'm not such a terrible person after all.

Today's been a long day in a good way. I was just thinking (before the vandalism) how it really was just this morning that I was at occup. T! It was much better this time than last time. I have lots of papers and mementoes and pictures - all good stuff, no bad memories - that I want to stick somewhere more permanent such as in a photo album. For some reason, it's very difficult for me to sort them and put them there. Today I was able to do a big lot of sorting at occup. T, some papers I decided were non-keepers and threw them out directly, some I thought I wanted to but started yawning, which means there's a feeling that needs to be looked at, so I kept those too. The other things are mostly also all divided up into different themes. My occup. T said he had the impression I'd managed a lot in the space of time.

Actually before all that I told him what had all been going on these past 10 days or so. In his opinion, it is really important that I keep going with my little business and also to have a long-term goal in mind: literary translation. For everybody in fact, not just me. I used to have rather broad goals like "get healthy", "work again" but I have since discovered that I need much more concrete goals and intermediary goals too (those baby steps). Otherwise if I have no concrete goals, I have no hope! I have no reason to keep going.

[sanmagic7]

I'm not such a terrible person after all.

no you're not, not by any stretch of my imagination.  this isn't the only good deed you've done, blueberry.  so much more to you than you might realize.  it's prominent to me, tho.

i really like the idea of specific, concrete goals.  it makes total sense to me.  hope it helps you hang one - you're very valuable.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I'm not such a terrible person after all.

no you're not, not by any stretch of my imagination.  this isn't the only good deed you've done, blueberry.  so much more to you than you might realize.  it's prominent to me, tho.

Thank you san     I did mean it a bit tongue-in-cheek though because business neighbour thinks I'm such a terrible person, a constant pain in the neck etc. But still good for me to hear that it's prominent to you that there's more to me! I guess I am beginning to realise it because I wrote above somewhere that I'm turning into someone way more than FOO ever imagined (or I ever imagined for that matter).