The Next Version Of Me

[rainydiary]

Bach, it resonates so deeply with me to notice the energy shift in another person when we show emotion - I have a lot of those snapshots of looks on the faces of others that run through my mind and leave me feeling like it is better to not show any emotion.  I wish it wasn't this way.  I am thinking of you as you navigate this time.

[Papa Coco]

Bach,

I certainly know the social pressure to not cry. I think it's a shame we do this to each other. I spent a lot of years without shedding a tear. Mostly I never cried from childhood to when my little sister died when I was 48. But then I cried. For two solid years I cried almost every single night. Sometimes for well over an hour. Even today, 14 years later, if I talk or write about her for more than a minute, I start crying again. It feels good. I wish I could cry for myself sometimes, but I can't.

I can only cry for my little sister, or when my wife, kids or grandkids are in pain. But, no matter who I might sob for, when I can actually produce emotional tears...it just feels good. To me, love is only a word until I can find some proof that it's real. And when I can really produce genuine tears, I feel like they are the proof I needed that love was really there. If I could cry for myself, maybe then I'd have the proof I need that I love myself as much as I love my family.

This is going to sound really backwards, but...I hope you can cry soon. (Never thought I'd ever say that to someone). But, you, me, and a lot of other people need to physically feel the love we have for ourselves. We deserve it. We've fought a long, hard battle, and we deserve to feel the appropriate emotion around it.

(Also: I yawn and belch a lot during therapy. I keep apologizing, but my T says that those yawns and belches are good. He says the yawning is another form of releasing energy. The belching that I do during therapy is me releasing anxiety from the gut, and the itchy skin I deal with during therapy is the release of nervous energy through the skin. Tears are good, but according to my T, so are yawns, belches and itchy skin. He calls them sympathetic and parasympathetic releases).

Anyway, I'm pulling for you! Let's all let ourselves yawn and cry and belch and scratch our way to sweet release.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Bach, we're here for you. The tears will come and maybe where you don't expect them, but they'll be there to wash stuff out. I used to not cry at things, even to the point where major disasters and such on the news were horrible, but I didn't cry. My reasoning back then was "It's terrible, but it's not like I knew anyone involved." The past couple years since I've started this work, though... Movies, news articles, you name it. Even some firefighter saving a kitten article can make me cry. I just let it happen, but it's so hard. At least, if anyone else is around. I definitely got that "don't let them see you cry" message growing up.  We're here for you, to cry on and cry with.   

[sanmagic7]

it was a revelation to me, bach, about the info you found on crying.  being told not to cry because it doesn't do any good was one of the biggest lies i'd been told by my F.  thank you so much for this.  the differentiation in what our tears contain was fascinating to see.  having read this, i hope it helps me when i know i need to cry.  and i certainly hope it helps you.  if you can feel them at the brink, i have no doubt they'll eventually show themselves.  love and hugs

[Armee]

I hope you can cry, too. I also cannot and know I need to, and want to.

[Bach]

Friends, thank you for your comments on my post about crying.  It's been on my mind for a long time, and it's very difficult for me to write about.  Much like the various simulations of crying I occasionally manage to achieve, there was satisfaction in finally expressing it, and a temporary feeling of progress, but now I'm feeling as stagnant as ever.  I suppose I'm not surprised by that, nor particularly discouraged, but I'm certainly frustrated.

The following is a bit rambling and messy.  I'm trying to not to obsess about expressing myself perfectly and precisely and instead focus on just getting it out.  Words, as complicated and unsatisfying as yawn-generated tears when all I want is for them to flow freely and be what they need to be rather than what I'm trying to force.

I spent the night with Other last Wednesday and it was really nice to see him.  We got along fine, and I felt really good about the mindful decision I made to relax and have a good time and not try to say anything about how hurt I was by his 8 weeks of silence.  I did gather, through his casual answers to my casual questions about what he's been up to this summer, that exactly what I thought happened happened: He became overwhelmed with stress and didn't know how to ask for space.  I still have anger about it and I'll address it at some point in the future, but when we visited last week, I was able to take the time to read his energy and think carefully about mine instead of plunging right in. I wondered whether I would be letting him get away with it, so to speak, if I didn't say anything, and I considered possible ways that I could bring it up so that it would be at least somewhat a part of a natural conversation and not send him straight to the defensive, but I decided that it just didn't feel like a time that I wanted to make it a thing, and that my not saying anything about right away doesn't automatically mean that I "forgive", i.e., forfeit my right to say something in the future.  The important thing is that it was my conscious choice and neither a matter of me having something I wanted to say but being afraid to say it, or of feeling compelled by insecurity and angst to try to have a conversation when it wasn't what I wanted.  I think I might finally be learning at least a little bit how to tolerate difficult feelings while I think them through, without them making me feel so fearful and uncomfortable that I take impulsive action which backfires.

Although it was a good visit in all the ways I wanted it to be, I hit a low on Thursday morning when we were getting ready to leave.  I sat with that, just accepted it and let it be, and then I had a great deal to say to my therapist that afternoon.  While I was on my way home from the visit, I was thinking about my life and my relationships, and feeling really angry at the fact that, because of the weak father and the psychopath mother and the way I grew up, my relationships are difficult and few and always will be no matter how much I improve my general level of mental health and executive function.  Along with the anger about that came anger about how much work I put into making those improvements, and how limited are the results that I can ever expect to achieve.  On top of all that, anger at the cultural narrative that "your parents loved you and did they best they could, you have to take responsibility for your own life and can't just keep blaming them for things that happened X-years ago."  I AM taking responsibility for my own life, every chance I get.  And it's not a matter of blaming my parents for my problems in a childish or responsibility-evading way. It's working out how to be sane when what I grew up with was literally crazy. Everything I was taught about everything, values, beliefs, coping methods, self-concept, all of it literally crazy.  I have absolutely no foundation for sanity.  I've had to spend my entire life first coming to understand that absolutely everything I learned as a child about how to live my life, take care of myself, interact with others, get along in the world was warped, and then figuring out what all those things are and how to correct them.  Every little thing about my life, EVERY little thing.  Things I don't even know that I'm doing or thinking or feeling until something (usually unpleasant) happens that forces me to notice them.  I've actually done quite well with it, all things considered.

My therapy session on Thursday felt very healthy.  I felt that I was seeing progress in my efforts to feel my feelings, recognise them, understand them, sit with them, not be afraid of them, not try to run away from them, etc.  Also, progress in my efforts to understand the actual nature of feelings, particularly what it means that they don't only come from my mind and conscious thoughts, but also from physiological and neurological things that happen in my body, and how much contradiction is involved in that.  My therapist even said "That was very productive" at the end of our session.  So, good for me.  But yesterday I realised that I've been quite depressed since then.  I fret about whether it's this physical thing or that physical thing, what have I been eating, what drugs have I been taking, do I have some kind of illness, blah blah blah.  But in truth, it's probably a backlash of feeling so mentally healthy.  So healthily angry, so in touch with the entire range of my real and reasonable and valid feelings, so fundamentally sane.  It's probably my entire being telling me "NO.  No, that is not allowed.  You will not feel mentally healthy and angry and sane.  You will feel sick and depressed and * up.  Ever has it been and ever will it be thus.  HOW DARE YOU?"

[sanmagic7]

bach, i relate to so much of what you've written.  sending love and a hug full of compassion and support.

[CactusFlower]

Seconding san, I resonated to a lot of it as well. hugs for you and the energy you need as you process. 

[paul72]

hi Bach
I relate a lot to what you've said too... congrats though on feeling healthily angry.

I've actually done quite well with it, all things considered.

This is my favourite thing I relate with. 

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I related to many things that you said, and I admire your progress - I wish I could find the right words to say more, but I will send you a hug of support and care 

Hope 

[Bach]

Being me feels just unbearable right now.  I visited my mother on Friday and it was a bit of a fiasco, but it was very productive because I got some clarity on how I feel about the question of whether or not she will sell the family house and go live in a retirement community.  This is a question that she's been holding over the heads of myself and my brother for the past several months, and I realised that afternoon that I'm ready to let it go.  The house itself and her drama of cogitating over the decision. 

Ready to let it go.  What a glorious wonderful thing!  Friday evening after we came home, and most of the day on Saturday I felt terrific.  Calm and at peace, sane and healthy and free.  But then on Saturday evening, I exploded into a backlash of self-destructiveness that I was weirdly helpless to stop even though I was fully aware it was happening.  I was almost but not quite able to stop it from continuing on Sunday, and then into today.  So I have to just accept my sickness for a while, try to relax.  Not make it any worse, wait for it to pass.  I'm not going to feel better tonight.  I'm probably not going to feel better tomorrow.  But I will feel better eventually.

[CactusFlower]

HUGS   wishing you peace and energy until the better day comes.

[Hope67]

Dear Bach,
That is a lot to have experienced, and I hope you're doing ok today.  Sending you a hug of support 

I wish you some moments when you feel better - and I agree with you that eventually they will come. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

my dear bach, i can so relate to that feeling of knowing i'm doing something harmful to myself, but not being able to stop it.  it's a weird place to be, almost like looking at myself from the outside.  just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Thank you, friends  I'm a little horrified to see that I last wrote in here three weeks ago and I still haven't properly regained my equilibrium.

(Have I ever really had it?)

The thing is, my mother is a problem no matter what I do.  She’s a problem when I don’t communicate with her.  She’s a problem when I do communicate with her.  Everything about her existence is a problem for me, and there's nothing I can do that will make her stop being a problem.  I don't regret ending my no-contact because I was really stuck in my healing, and I feel that having contact with her has enabled me to move forward, but now I'm here with the inescapable reality of her. She's a problem. Continuing to have contact with her presents difficulties. Cutting off contact would present different difficulties. All the choices are bad. Everything hurts.

At least I can stand up for myself with her now. She wants me to call and visit, but I've set a boundary that we communicate via text. And the other day she gave me one of her infuriating conditional apologies and I told that her conditional apologies are eloquent of her lack of concern for anything except letting herself  off the hook. That was incredibly satisfying. I know saying that stuff doesn't make any difference to HER, but it does make a difference to me.  I've spent my life keeping my mouth shut, which has always permitted her to assume that I accept her version of my life. The one in which every way that she failed me is understandable and forgivable because she was a loving mother who tried her best but had circumstances beyond her control against her, and anyway it was a long time ago and I was an inherently defective child for whom nothing could be done. I know she will never accept responsibility for anything, but I'm done being complicit in her spin and cover up. I wish I didn't feel the need to swim in these waters. Hopefully soon it will pass and I'll be able to let it go once and for all. Not forgive. But let it go.