Kizzie's Journal

[sanmagic7]

it would definitely be great, kizzie.  here's hopin'!!!  love and hugs

[Kizzie]

Tks San. 

I realized yesterday I am far more depressed than I realized, crying a lot. Maybe it's the withdrawal from the SSRI and feeling things so much deeper.  I finally let a lot of how afraid I am of a lot of things these days to my H.  Scared him and me and now I know I must let my GP and therapist know how truly awful I am feeling.  I tend to try and look/sound as functional as possible no matter what - goes to feeling I have to do everything on my own from my past I guess.

I do have an appointment today with a psychiatrist - finally managed to get one after months of my GP and I trying to find one.  I will talk to him about all the anxiety and now depression, about withdrawing off the SSRI and about going for Ketamine treatment soon hopefully and see what he says.  I hope he is one of the good ones and not determined to make me go through the * I've been thru with SSRIs already.  I sent him a list of everything (meds) my GP and I have tried since Jan so hopefully he will see we've given it a good go and it's not working.

I am so tired.  I really hope I can get to the Ketamine and that it does help lift me up out of this darkness so I can do whatever I need to to feel better.  And I hope this psychiatrist is good, helpful, knows what he's doing.

[sanmagic7]

so sorry, kizzie, for all you're going thru.  what you describe could very well be w/drawal - maybe the shrink can give you a reality check for that.  just get thru today, ok?    sending love and a hug filled w/ hope.

[Papa Coco]

Thinking about you all the time Kizzie,

I remember being hopeful and afraid before my first Ketamine infusion. I hoped it would work, but afraid it might not. If it didn't work, then that meant my depression was just plain incurable. I remember on the morning of the first infusion, the emotions were so high that all the way into Seattle in the back of the uber I was wearing my COVID mask and mouthing the words "thank you, thank you, thank you" out into the universe for the fact that the day had finally come, and I was minutes away from the experience. My fears were dashed at the first visit. It helped more than I'd even hoped it would. Now I'm hoping you find that same relief. I'm excited to hear about your experiences when they begin. I participated in the treatment because of crushing depression. You're going in with anxiety. So I'm interested in comparing our notes about the experience.

A note about dissociation: I don't dissociate easily anymore either and I also miss it at times. Sometimes I try to dissociate but it's like I just can't anymore. My brain won't do it anymore. But my T reminds me that it's because my brain is healthier now than it was. I understand my past now, so I'm more grounded than I used to be. Dissociation doesn't kick in anymore.

But dissociation was the devil I know, so sometimes I forget the 95% hardships and miss the 5% good that I got from it. I'm also a recovering alcoholic, so sometimes I miss being able to forget my problems in a bottle too, but in both cases, alcohol and dissociation, I took them too far and now they're no longer available to me at all. Now I'm left to live only in reality, and I'm not well trained on how to handle reality. It's too...real.

Dissociation was a hiding place from chronic anxiety. But like with alcohol, it worked but it wasn't the best solution. Now that I can't dissociate anymore, I have to find healthier ways to deal with real world.

Distraction. I think distraction is the healthy version of dissociation. It's the healthier way to not think about reality.

I've learned to distract myself away from the news. It's too real. I can't do anything about any of it, so why force myself to read the articles and watch the TV coverage of things that scare me?

I distract myself with physical things like reading a good book, watching comedy movies that don't have too much evil in them, cooking a complicated meal, putting together jig saw puzzles, pulling weeds by hand in the garden...stuff like that. I struggle with the fact that I don't have any hobbies. Music didn't work out for me in my lifetime so I can't play piano either. Some guys fish, or play golf, or collect coins, or build model railroads. I can't say that I have a hobby. So distractions have to be simpler than hobbies. A jig saw puzzle isn't a hobby, but it's an easy distraction. I can get lost for hours in a good puzzle. And living in the Pacific Northwest, I can find an endless supply of weeds that need pulling. I bought myself a little gardening stool to sit on, and if I don't wear gloves, I'm connecting my body to the earth. The coolness of the dirt and the contact with the earth seem to really calm me down.

And if you haven't watched it yet, remember the documentary video "Happy" is a really, really good video that puts real life into perspective. It's very helpful for me to watch that video at least once a year, sometimes more. It's too easy for me to start down the rabbit hole by thinking I don't have what is needed in order to be happy. The documentary shows how happiness really is within reach. It doesn't require excessive money, or good looks, or fame, or any of the other things the world says it does, but that I don't have. Whew! That's a relief.

[Kizzie]

OMG Papa, you have no idea how much I needed to hear (or rather read) this:

I remember being hopeful and afraid before my first Ketamine infusion. I hoped it would work, but afraid it might not. If it didn't work, then that meant my depression was just plain incurable. I remember on the morning of the first infusion, the emotions were so high that all the way into Seattle in the back of the uber I was wearing my COVID mask and mouthing the words "thank you, thank you, thank you" out into the universe for the fact that the day had finally come, and I was minutes away from the experience. My fears were dashed at the first visit. It helped more than I'd even hoped it would. Now I'm hoping you find that same relief. I'm excited to hear about your experiences when they begin. I participated in the treatment because of crushing depression. You're going in with anxiety. So I'm interested in comparing our notes about the experience.

I am also going in with a lot more depression than I realized, either because the anxiety has been masking it and tapering off the SSRI is revealing it or I am tired and depressed from all the medication switches -     

Whatever the case I hope I am as fortunate as you and it helps lift me out of this anxiety and depression by igniting/tapping into parts of me that are sunk underneath and struggling for air. 

[Kizzie]

Tks San 

[Hope67]

Dear Kizzie,
I know it's been a tough time for you lately - and I wanted to send you a supportive hug    I really hope that you get some positive things from the infusion, and I want to give a gentle hug to the parts of you that are feeling sunk underneath and struggling for air, I really want to help them be buoyant and breathe easily - they and you deserve to breathe and live and thrive. 

Hope 

[Kizzie]

So lovely Hope, thank you   

[Kizzie]

In terms of the Ketamine assisted therapy I am on track for, the blood pressure medication has done its job and so my GP will be sending over my readings on Tues after she and I talk.  After that I have an interview with the psychiatrist and if that's all good two prep sessions with the therapist, then a trial dose following by the infusions (4-6). 

I hope (fervently) this helps me to lift myself out of the anxiety and depression I've been fighting for so long because of this blasted CPTSD, that it helps me to feel better and live better.  I deserve it and at 66 I don't want to wait for talk therapy anymore.  I want to live a more positive and healthy life starting now. 

[Armee]

 

Oh I so hope this helps!

[sanmagic7]

   fingers crossed, kizzie.  love and a hug filled w/ the prospect of living better 

[Kizzie]

Tks you so much San and Armee, I really appreciate the support.  I will of course keep you all posted, good or bad.  We need to know how this whole Ketamine assisted therapy rolls out for us - no doubt there will be some good, some not so good but cumulatively  what we record here helps us to make informed decisions for ourselves.

When (if?) I am ever well again to go back volunteering with the Complex Trauma Special Interest Group at the International Society for Studies in Traumatic Stress org, I fully intend to write about this whole experience with medications in general, SSRIs and Ketamine.  There are a lot professionals who treat/support us need to know more about this subject that's for darn sure!!  And we need to be more informed as well.

[Kizzie]

Apropos of nothing in particular other than we moved to Alberta to get away from the wild fires in BC, yesterday driving home from the doc's we see a big plume of smoke right about where our town is. 

Sure enough as we get closer we see a huge grass fire on the southeastern edge of the town bumping right up to where the houses are.  Fortunately our house is on the south western edge but geez, Mother Nature chases you down no matter where you live. 

No-one lost a house, just a few trailers and outbuildings, but the whole of the pasture which was fairly large was burned and a small herd of cattle had quite the scare.   

[Armee]

That's anxiety-producing! I'm glad your home and town were safe. The fires are getting more common even where they typically aren't a risk. I live on a wooded lot in a severe fire danger and severe drought area and there's a low grade anxiety June thru Oct every year.

And thanks for looking for ways to use your experience with ketamine to support the broader knowledge base about cPTSD treatment. You're a good one.

[Kizzie]

Yikes Armee, that would be hard to live with.  I know we felt the same way when we were in BC. The wildfires there can be really bad.  The year we decided to move here we had fires on three sides of us.  Yup, that's it for us, outta here. 

Right now as I type this it looks like dense fog outside with a blood red sun - smoke from wild fires in BC that has drifted here. Still can't get away from them entirely 

I've heard the term "eco-anxiety" to describe the fear many of us are starting to experience because Mother Nature is starting to some pretty nasty weather to places she pretty much left alone before.