Accepting Myself

[Blueberry]

Thanks CF and san

No crises, no emergencies, most everything is going well with GS. He just feels a little 'hassled' when we're out zooming along - me on my bike and him on a non-motorised scooter. Sometimes I have to tell him to slow down or stay very close to me at night because he has no back light, just a reflective vest from me. He doesn't notice how much car drivers won't see him when they're turning across his path at an intersection - he's on the sidewalk and I'm on the road. But I remember at that age too - I had no idea how drivers would see me or not. He doesn't like being corrected on that but I know I'm doing it from a good place - I don't want anything to happen to him!

It's fun spending time with him and I do notice how much easier it is for me than last year so that's really cool.

I'm still noticing some of my post-Corona symptoms like shortness of breath and general physical tiredness, but it feels so much different from emotional tiredness, even tho emotional tiredness affects my body too - makes it tired. Wow. It's so interesting feeling this difference. Emotionally doing well atm and feel just physical tiredness. I'm flabbergasted at the difference.

[Papa Coco]

Hey BB,

What a great post. Having fun with the GS!  They're so special.  I believe the reason our grandchildren get along so well with us grandparents is because we have a common enemy. (LOL).

Enjoy your GS!

[Armee]

It's so awesome that you went up to sing. I'm so proud of you!!!
And really thrilled for you that you were able to have GS visit.

I like reading about your parts work and the question about EF vs parts is interesting to me, too.


.

[Blueberry]

Papa Coco, GS is usually Grandson but in my case it's Godson. I have no children of my own.

Thank you Armee for all you said.

Today I wanted to get on with confronting my parents, but then I didn't. So accepting myself for it not being the day to do so, not quite strong enough emotionally or...? I think when I finally do it, it will bring a lot of forwards movement, possibly/probably preceded by a huge downswing. I'm not too enthralled about the downswing but heyho this is cptsd.

I note how much easier it was to do things for me and my godson than just for me: go to bed at a reasonable time, get up and get on with day, clean, tidy, wash dishes, prepare meals. GS helped a lot with meal prep but obviously needed somebody in charge and that was me. It helped me to realise that he can't get along totally w/o me. This might sound stupid, but, well obviously, ok some Part of me is worried about him being better / more than    than me. This is presumably a Part of me about his age or younger or maybe even a bit older who is not ... Well, I know in my head, I just can't write it down.
So I have less energy than when GS was here. But it was a really good visit. We did lots of fun things together!

[sanmagic7]

so glad the visit went well, blueberry.  interesting how someone in our midst can generate energy for us.  i believe the conversation w/ your parents will come when it's time for it.  until then . . . please be gentle w/ yourself, ok?  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you san

[Armee]

Oh absolutely BB. I'm not sure I'd be hanging on if it weren't for my kids and husband to need to really be there for. I'm glad GS was able to get some energy into your system. And you are just as important to take care of, in whatever way that care looks like at the moment.

I'd be tempted to take a healthy wait period for your system to reset from the visit before taking on the step of confronting your FOO. I think you're right it will both lead to some major progress but also will come with some huge internal backlash too. Hugs and strength. You got this. Build up your reserves and go for it. 

[CactusFlower]

congrats on a happy visit! That's the good kind of tired. Hugs if you want them

[Blueberry]

I haven't been on here for a few days. I did round about zero today, except for putting out a number of items for bulk refuse collection tomorrow. At least that's got rid of a few items.

GS helped a lot with meal prep but obviously needed somebody in charge and that was me. It helped me to realise that he can't get along totally w/o me. This might sound stupid, but, well obviously, ok some Part of me is worried about him being better / more than    than me. This is presumably a Part of me about his age or younger or maybe even a bit older who is not ... Well, I know in my head, I just can't write it down.

I was able to tell my occup. T about it yesterday though. Also about feeling 'less than' many other people including GS' parents, mostly in practical ways. But when I got on to telling OT why GS' mother is no-longer-friend, OT pointed out how in many ways esp. psychological/emotional, I'm way ahead of her.

But at least she is allowing and even encouraging contact between GS and me, which can't be said for B2 about his daughter, my god-daughter.

Today might have been a day to confront parents, whether by phone or email, but I didn't. I think I'm going to be and feel paralysed till I do so. Though I am getting on with appts if I have them, including teaching.

congrats on a happy visit! That's the good kind of tired. Hugs if you want them

Thank you CF hugs are always great  back at you.

[Armee]

I agree with OT that you may not be giving yourself enough credit! A day getting stuff out for reuse pickup is huge to me. That is a really hard task and I usually let that day slide by because I can't face it.

But I also relate to feeling like everyone is more capable, even children. I feel that way about my D a lot. We see our struggles without seeing our strengths. You have a lot of strengths, BB, not to minimize your struggles of course those are very real and debilitating too. But we have many facets and while the struggle is real....there are shiny special rainbow parts too.

[sanmagic7]

   don't sell yourself short, blueberry, ok.  you are remarkable.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you san and Armee. It's hard to believe those sorts of things, really believe deep down.
______________________

I'm quite surprised today to feel a little sadness that the Queen has died. I wouldn't call myself a monarchist, in fact the more I learn about the powers of the monarchy in getting around laws others have to follow e.g., the less I like, but still there's that little tinge of sadness.

I continue doing round about zero, fortunately I had 2 teaching appts today so I at least did them.

[CactusFlower]

HUGS Blueberry. I'll be posting in a moment here about the Queen as well. it's the end of an era, no matter how we felt.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I wanted to share that I am checking in on your journal and appreciate you continuing to share your journey.

[Armee]

 

2 teaching jobs are not close to zero, in my book at least. But I understand feeling unproductive compared to what it feels like you should be capable of, and it sucks.