Accepting Myself

[sanmagic7]

i got tired just reading about all the things you accomplished, blueberry!  that's more than i'm able to do in a day.  way to go!  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

I agree, that's a productive day! Hugs and energy to you.

[Blueberry]

Thanks all for pointing out that I got quite a lot done yesterday, wow, it always seems so little and that I have this huge list of things still to do etc etc and that other people all manage far more. Yes, OK, I know, I know, comparing isn't helpful. 

I have so much bubbling below the surface but can't face writing tho doing so would probably help. It's mostly stuff about the present - trying to move office or not; clearing things out or not; need to ask LL something - my heart sinks at the prospect;

So on Thursday, a mere 2 days later, I wrote a little list and phoned LL Got several things cleared up. Thursday an additional problem had cropped up to do with the workmen who were setting up to start renovations and it had to be dealt with for my peace of mind, so that's why I phoned. Yay for me for managing that because 'have to' is often a big problem for me, like 'should'!

The thing I'd really been dreading bringing up and which had been weighing me down for 2 months was his misunderstanding of an important letter I sent him. He probably skim-read because I know my written statement was totally clear. A friend who is a legal secretary read the letter for me before I sent it, made a couple of little changes but said: "Wow, impressive, lots of native-speakers can't write like that!" Anyway so LL misread that I was going to relinquish my right to use the business toilet since business neighbour and I can't 'agree' on usage. Whereas actually I wrote that I was going to relinquish any expectations of the toilet being left in an appropriate state after each usage. (I won't go into details of what the inappropriateness has been over the past few years.) I had to clear up this misunderstanding because in LL's response to my letter he said he'd alter my rental agreement to reflect the change. (In his head anyway, I haven't been given an amended agreement to sign.) Surprisingly, he did hear me out on my explanations of what I had actually written and why. Even though he could definitely hear that I was annoyed - mostly about business neighbour, but also a little about LL himself taking business neighbour's side w/o knowing the facts. One of the things I did say is that business neighbour needs the law laid down a bit and said to LL that he tells me what's what, so he could tell bus.neighbour too! LL says it's a "cultural problem" to which I answered that as a foreigner you sometimes have to fit in a bit yourself and do what the locals do - I did too when I moved here - and that bus.neighbour needs a MAN to tell him what's what. (Unfortunately he's from a culture where women don't have much say.) LL said he would say something to bus.neighbour. Idk if he actually will, but at least he allowed me to speak my mind w/o interrupting and threatening me with huge costs which he did last time.

I had pschotherapy not to confuse with my occupational therapy on Thurs. morning which certainly helped me gather up the courage and strength to phone LL. I don't have a new psycho T but until I do, I'll be able to go to my old one 2-3 times per quarter. See, finding a new T is just one of about 35 things - big and small - I 'ought' to be doing in the next 3 months. So that's one reason I often feel I'm not doing enough - constant list of important things to be doing.

[Blueberry]

It's really positive in my opinion that you stood up for your boundaries and said essentially that you matter. 

Yes, thank you for giving me the words for what I was doing.    It's basically what my T said on Thursday too.

Of course it's so difficult for me, so many people over the years have showed me that they don't think that I matter, starting in infancy - that's the &%!?§ trauma.

Good on you for setting this boundary, regardless of size. You have just as much right for people to see the board as they do a window.

Thank you for saying that. It helps.

Ugh, some people are just jerks.

Yes, I guess so. You know I've really been wanting to write that my bus.neighbour (the messy toilet one) is a total jerk but as per the Guidelines we're not meant to name-call on here and I used to be a Mod and quite strict on that kind of thing    But increasingly I've been realising that for some people there just is no other word.

My T said that why other people behave the way they do towards me is not something I should be puzzling over, the thing is to keep setting my boundaries, even though it's really strenuous for me. But when I pressed him a little on the issue, he agreed with what I've heard before in inpatient places, 12 Step groups etc: There are people out there who sense that people like me don't have strong boundaries (or in some situations no boundaries at all) and those that so desire try to take advantage of it. Those who desire: present LL, previous LL, bus. neighbour, all other neighbours in bldg to some degree, various people in neighbouring building on one side (tho fortunately not on the other side), and more I'm sure but I don't want to think up any additions for that list atm.
So it's a result of my childhood, FOO, cptsd? Yup. $%§!% trauma. Yup.
So that's one reason why it's so important I get into weekly psycho-T again, so I can progress in my healing? Yup.

[Armee]

Wishing you much energy and luck for finding your new T. You're right...it IS important...and also a very difficult task.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Blueberry.  And yes, I'm familiar with that focus on self thing in programs. I'm in Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. They have a version of the serenity prayer I actually prefer to the original.

(Higher Power), grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.

It's a lot of work to remember, but I've found it very helpful to keep hearing that I can't be responsible for other's actions and thoughts. That's on them.
Wishing you care and energy.

[Blueberry]

CF, actually I always misunderstood the serenity prayer to mean that I have to accept people the way they are and so I'm not allowed to set limits, speak my mind etc. That I understood it that way has to do with FOO of course... It was more like in after-meetings that this thing was mentioned about certain people sensing you didn't have boundaries and taking advantage of it. Once a T even said so in inpatient therapy. A mother talked about her 12 yo daughter's behaviour and T said: "She's acting up because she can't sense any boundaries."

_______________

I had been thinking of applying for a little p/t job for November and December. It would be shelving products in a local department store, probably in the toy dept. I did it once before. Decided against it today because applying for it would be one extra task for me at a time when I have a whole load of tasks waiting to be done including finding a new T, finally getting my tax docs from 2021 in and sorting thru and clearing out papers, but atm also my storage space in the bldg which will probably include having to ask around to see if I can find somebody to store my spring-fall bike over the winter. As with applying for a job, these are almost all tasks that involve phoning/emailing people to inquire about...

Also the building site is right outside my office windows and will be loud - I'll probably have to move some of my students to early evening so it doesn't make any sense whatsoever to take on an evening job elsewhere. Also, I am noticing that trying for that job has a bit of an escape aspect to it. Flight.

I have a head-ache today which makes writing bills difficult, especially totting up lessons so that I can write the bills and/or teaching contracts, so I decided to do different things - now to get on with those things

[Armee]

 

That seems smart to me to not apply for the job for all the reasons you listed.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I have always found the Serenity prayer to be a bit triggering, as my FOO used to mention it sometimes, as if it was a way to prescribe boundaries - and minimise things that meant something to me - so I related to what you said to CF about the Serenity prayer.

I hope that your head-ache goes away soon.   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee and Hope 

Had quite a productive day again, despite my head-ache.
Apart from teaching one hour and bringing some late garden flowers into my apartment and into my office, I phoned a T in my town to see if she would be suitable for me, but I don't think she is. She said things like she needs to hear a therapy goal from me, she doesn't want people in 'permanent therapy'. Generally I would talk about goals in the first session, not on the phone with the initial inquiry. I was caught off-guard and blanked and couldn't remember any goals apart from 'not being triggered so much' but I didn't even say that. I'm basically in permanent therapy. But at least I inquired. There are a further 4 Ts to try, all in the town where my T of the past 5 years is. Since there's a network of trauma Ts in his town and he recommended me 3 of the 4, I'm sure they all know him. That will probably help with my inquiry. They won't start out with "But what do you expect from me that you haven't got so far in therapy?"

A very annoying thing happened today: I need to sell my recumbent bike. Partially we have to clear all the storage areas in the bldg by Oct. 3rd. Partially I can't ride it properly anymore, my hips have got too stiff. Well, I can ride it actually but I can't get off it w/o laying it on its side on the ground and then stepping away. Not very feasible in traffic. I can't do shoulder checks properly anymore either, so riding would be dangerous. It has taken me till this summer to be able to consider parting from it from an emotional point of view. I put it on Internet classifieds 5 weeks ago but have had only one person seriously interested in it. For 10 days now he's been coming to get it and then not coming. Always something happened and he had to change his plans. So unreliable On Sat he promised he was going to come Mon evening, come what may. But then this afternoon he emailed me that he'd injured his foot so he couldn't come. He did offer to send me €10 compensation for all the run-around he gave me. I think that's very cheap and said €20 would be more appropriate. I also suggested that maybe a friend of his could come by and collect it. But I don't suppose he's going to do that. But man was I steaming!

The good thing tho is that I finally joined a recumbent riders forum so I can try and sell it there. Theoretically, I could've joined it in the summer but I wasn't able to for whatever cptsd-related reason. But I managed tonight    I'm generally not very good at IT stuff. They don't have a newbies thread but I found a place where I could introduce myself because I felt that's what I wanted to do. It does take me courage to write on a new forum or sometimes even on a not so new one so  to self. I was also able to upload a couple of pics of my old recumbent. This is something I have trouble with - from the IT perspective - but I managed after a couple of tries. I can still feel nervousness in my gut but I managed Before that I put up an ad on my professional forum and then after the big accomplishment of adding a pic on the recumbent forum I went back to professional forum and added one there as well. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is for me.

[CactusFlower]

Hey, Blueberry, gentle hugs if you want them. I would have a serious red flag from that therapist you talked to. "permanent therapy" sounds very dismissive and like she absolutely doesn't understand our kind of trauma.  I hope you find someone better. My T and I both agreed when I said "He had the first 11 years of my life to do what he did, it's not going to get fixed quickly."

Sucks that you also found a real flake on the bike front. 10 days is more than enough to put up with excuses. if he wanted it that bad, he'd find a way. I hope putting the pics on the specific groups will help. Crossing my fingers for ya.

[sanmagic7]

i didn't like that 'permanent therapy' bit, either.  there was actually a discussion about it one time on the emdr forum i belong to, and some therapist just think it's a waste of time!  i was shocked!  i voiced my opinion as a client how just cuz i'm not 'processing' something during a session, that doesn't mean i'm not getting something meaningful (such as stability, being heard, validated, accepted - things that might not sound important to others, but to me are extremely important).  i also asked my t about it, she didn't like that attitude, either.

c-ptsd is so much of a gray area, rather than a black and white 'i've got a goal of not washing my hand 15x/day' and when that goal is reached, i don't need therapy anymore.  ugh!  so much bad therapy going around, it's disheartening.  hope you find someone you can work w/ to your best advantage.

sorry about the bike situation.  i agree w/ CF that those are excuses, not reasons, and seem very disrespectful to you.  ugh!  sending love and a hug full of best wishes w/ all you've got going on.

[Blueberry]

Thanks CF, gentle hugs are good! backatcha.

My psych doc agreed that the T I spoke to doesn't sound good for my masses of trauma. I mentioned the situation to occup. T as well, adding that therapy with me can seem a little slow. He didn't speak to that directly and said instead that seeing/ hearing/ sensing the changes in me can bring a T satisfaction and even joy. At least in the local lingo it means 'joy'. It sounds kind of weird and OTT in English, to me. But yeah a T or other helper who can step back and watch me go thru stuff, supporting me when I need it and then stepping back a bit and being patient when I quite simply need time, is the kind of person I need. There have been helpers like this over the years and then others who would eventually get frustrated with me, or sometimes pretty much right away. They're not for me. I know that now. I have enough therapy under my belt to know I need to keep looking.

My psych doc found me a social worker who's going to come once every two weeks for about an hour and help me with whatever needs doing. I had an appt with her earlier this week and said what I most need help doing is sorting thru things, especially papers and throwing out or filing. Sometimes I know cognitively that I could throw something out but I can't somehow. The SW knows of this kind of problem and says sometimes I might need to talk about the piece of paper or more especially what's written on it in order to be able to let go. My impression of the SW is good. She asked if there is anything she shouldn't do or say. There is: putting me under pressure is a bad plan. She went one step further than I had even thought of and said there might be some appts when it would be better for us to go for a little walk or sort thru things for half an hour instead of a full hour, to really let the pressure off.

Today I have been doing some clear-out from the back storage area where I keep bicycles, gardening stuff and DIY stuff. Some of it is in my back office, lots in my apt (eek) but some I've thrown out or given away. Now my apt is quite full again. Managing to throw out or give away some stuff however    The week feels quite productive.

[Blueberry]

i didn't like that 'permanent therapy' bit, either.  there was actually a discussion about it one time on the emdr forum i belong to, and some therapist just think it's a waste of time!  i was shocked!  i voiced my opinion as a client how just cuz i'm not 'processing' something during a session, that doesn't mean i'm not getting something meaningful (such as stability, being heard, validated, accepted - things that might not sound important to others, but to me are extremely important).  i also asked my t about it, she didn't like that attitude, either.

I'd say "weakness" on the part of the Ts who think being heard, validated etc is a waste of time. Sometimes we cptsd-ers know more than the Ts. If they're not willing to hear us and learn from us, then that's to their disadvantage!

c-ptsd is so much of a gray area, rather than a black and white 'i've got a goal of not washing my hand 15x/day' and when that goal is reached, i don't need therapy anymore.  ugh!  so much bad therapy going around, it's disheartening.  hope you find someone you can work w/ to your best advantage.

I have so many goals! Just having one T appt last week with T-of-the-past-5-years where we weren't actually processing anything helped me get back on my feet a little and it especially helped me finally send a letter to my parents. Somehow that required an additional step of courage, in addition to sending them the email. I also sometimes work on xyz and pqr improves, so yeah, cptsd is not black and white.

sorry about the bike situation.  i agree w/ CF that those are excuses, not reasons, and seem very disrespectful to you.  ugh!  sending love and a hug full of best wishes w/ all you've got going on.

Someone w/o my particular brand of cptsd might have said "Enough already!" earlier than I did. However now that I'm on the recumbent-riders forum I've been told I was trying to sell it way too cheap. And some people suggested ways I could maybe alter it a bit to be able to ride it again. So the fact that I could possibly get a few hundred euros more for it means it's good that guy never came. As for riding it again, hm, idk, though the idea is somewhat appealing. It's a better quality of bike than my new second-hand recumbent but I'm unlikely to be able to sell it before next spring now anyway. Need to think and ask around whether anyone I know has room for it in their storage area till the renovations are done in this bldg. These steps seem manageable atm Not too long ago they would have felt unmanageable.

[Armee]

You are truly amazing Blueberry finding and getting help, setting boundaries, standing up for yourself. That T sounds like a terrible fit. Not open.