Accepting Myself

[Blueberry]

Sleepless night. Maybe I should have taken my night meds, but I took them last night and they left me feeling hung over yesterday. Now I have a raging head-ache, did most of yesterday too. It made going to sleep difficult. It was one of the things anyway.

This early a.m. I was remembering that when I stopped moderating on here, the Guidelines and general things you look for as a Mod disappeared from my mind within a short time - I think just days, tho could have been a week. Anyway really fast. I have the feeling that it's going to be like that for me with translation/interpreting - that the terminology I have in my head and other aspects of the profession will be gone soon, really soon. Or at the latest when I've wound all the admin stuff up. A lot of it esp. terminology I never managed to keep in my mind anyway, I always had to look things up again, which made translating pretty time-consuming. Now I'll just be able to let it all go. And if it does all go really fast and doesn't come back, then that'll be further proof that the decision is the right one. Without that it's the right one anyway. If that makes sense.

[Armee]

It makes sense Blueberry and is something I experience too. Like as soon as I leave one role or stage of my life I cleave it off, it's just gone.

I hope your headache feels better soon. 

[sanmagic7]

perfect, sense, blueberry.  many an exam i pulled an all-nighter for, got all that info into my head for the express purpose of passing, went right out again as soon as the exam was over.  i think we keep what we need when we need it, then it's just not as important to retain it further - we've got new and different things to focus on and retain.  keep up the good work, and, i agree, it's the right decision for you cuz it feels right. period.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

i think we keep what we need when we need it, then it's just not as important to retain it further - we've got new and different things to focus on and retain. 

Actually it's a little different than cramming for an exam and then forgetting everything. I try and teach my students in ways which help them retain the stuff forever lol because they need in order to progress. But what your comment helped me realise is that what I tend to retain is what is emotionally important to me rather than intellectually or rather than something I feel I should be able to retain. Oh there's that 'should' again, which is never good for me. So I 'should' be able to retain all that terminology I look up for legal translations, vital stats translations etc but I can't. That's part of my cptsd-brain problems. I won't forget my teaching methodologies and even materials (some created by me) and my students - including their successes (which are of course partially my success in teaching them well), even though once I stop teaching, I won't need to retain that for any reason but I will.

Today after teaching a 13-14 yo with my brain clear, I wondered if there isn't some way I could continue to teach the 3 students I currently have. (An adult student came for the last time today. I found somebody to take her on and she's switching right away. It's a relief for me.) School students esp. up to the stage of 16yo school-leaving exams are much easier for me to teach. I've been told before that these decisions I make totally and definitely(!!) and then go back on is connected to my Parts, which are not quite DID but getting that direction. There is definitely a side to Blueberry that doesn't want to give up, a side that tries and tries to find a way to keep going. I don't know if that's a Part but I suspect so. Anyway keeping going after all would involve speaking to the Pension people, my health care/medical insurance people and my tax accountant.

I don't think I've ever openly written here on OOTS about where I live in case FOO reads it and figures out who I am. FOO can take a running jump. They'll never read anything on here anyway. So, I live in Germany which apparently has the world's most complicated income tax system. I can't do my own bookkeeping and taxes. And although there are tax-aid groups, they're only for employed people, not self-employed. Of course that makes sense generally but I earn so little that my annual bill for bookkeeping and taxes is about 2 months' profit. On top of that, both the Pension people and medical insurance demand that my taxes are done by a professional, or at least they did a long time ago when my earnings were really really low. I wasn't allowed to just 'tot them up' and say: "Turnover was €800 last year and I'm not deducting expenses, so this is really easy". No. They said: "That looks like an estimate, you need to go to an accountant." It wasn't an estimate though, it really was my turnover!! There is this issue that sometimes red tape or similar prevents you from earning a little bit. It's better for me to earn a little bit rather than nothing. Yeah so I don't want to give up so easily. 'Easily'?? No, my decision to give up my freelance work was not giving up easily at all. So how can I describe what's going on? I guess, I don't give up. I keep going, despite all difficulties and set-backs and, yeah, despite longish emotional flashbacks of the kind that make my professional work almost impossible for days at a time, but I also sometimes keep going despite my better judgement which is something for me to watch.

If my discussions with Pension people, med. ins., accountant etc can provide me with a different way of handling all the admin or that is to say they change their tune a little on what they require and if I were then to continue, I'd a) have to really watch it in general and b) be very clear on what type of work I would do / what jobs I would accept and stick to that aka Boundaries!! I'm definitely giving up my office which will make the accounting etc easier since my overheads will be greatly reduced. So those are all things to consider. I'm open to suggestions or especially comments from others on here. Especially comments about me and work and my struggles and your impressions - rather than ideas based on what would work in your countries but not necessarily in Germany! My case is doubly complicated because of my disability pension on top of very p/t self-employed. Most Germans have no clue about all the red tape difficulties involved in my case either.

[Blueberry]

So much going on Managing OK and surprised at offers of help from the most unlikely of places - vague acquaintances etc

Fortunately I don't need to move out yesterday or even in the next 2 days. The place will only be in danger of dropping things all over my apartment or on my head if the renovation continues in that one tricky spot. Fortunately they have to wait with that till the 2 of us with apts in the risk-zone move out.

It's all pretty daunting but I'm doing a lot better than would've been the case just a few months ago. It's been heartening to read all the posts with hugs and good wishes over on my Enforced break post. Thanks everybody

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
Hope that it all goes ok for you, and sending you a big hug of support   
Hope 

[Armee]

I'm relieved to know you have a bit of time and that it feels though not pleasant at least manageable. You are remarkable Blueberry! Oh my goodness you really are!!!!

You sent that note to your FOO and everything....YOU...are still OK! I'm sitting here doing a little happy dance for you. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee Your words are so helpful to me, so uplifting and this little voice in me is even saying "So true" Some part of me agrees with you on me being remarkable. Gulp. But I've leaving it up.

____
I'm continuing to do well in the circs. Coming onto my computer to write some stuff out for appt at Tenant's Rights in an hour or so is causing stress. Writing things, making sure 'everything' is on my list nothing forgotten, coming onto PC to do it - all that seems to be a little triggering.

A lovely sunny day. I cycled over to the other part of town (uphill and downhill both ways) for my occup.T appt. In the end I didn't actually do anything (with my hands), I just talked about all the energy I have atm and what all is going on and how I'm managing. OT has never seen me with this amount of energy and go-getter whathaveyou. It is NOT because I 'have to' move because 'have to' is like 'should' for me. It doesn't work. It triggers in fact, leaves me emotionally paralysed. Something has changed internally, some trauma thing has dissolved or something like that. I think that's a sign that my setting FOO a limit and especially finally expressing some of my feelings towards them esp. anger, well I think that's partly what's allowing this release of energy.

I'm managing to compartmentalise things more than ever before previously.

Today on the way over to OT I realised that exercise of whatever sort is good for me as long as I'm emotionally capable of it, which I have been so far today. That other guff like: "do exercises regularly, go for a swim 3x a week, it'll help your trauma recovery" is not applicable to me. May well be for lots of other on here, but not for me     Nor is the idea of things like 'just go for a walk, you'll feel better.' No not necessarily. In fact mostly not, more likely to cause a physical and emotional collapse shortly afterwards.

For me atm:


                                                                           

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Blueberry, that's wonderful! 

Not only having a lovely wave of energy, but figuring out what works for you, that's just wonderful. I am so happy for you! Congrats and wishing you more lovely days of biking and energy.

[Armee]

I'm glad you left it up.  and can feel it as true. It is true.

[Blueberry]

Tenant's Rights were wonderful! I won't have to move tomorrow or even next week. LL is legally required to provide much more help than he has so far offered. In fact, he has to pay for the whole moving out and moving back in and pay for the rent whereever I end up. He also has to submit this info to me in writing and signed. Tenant's Rights will write to him in a day or two reminding him of a few of these sorts of things. On account of that alone, it's going to take longer for me to move out than LL had hoped.

I'm super tired today. The stress I'd been holding down in order to function is coming up and the tiredness is making itself felt.

I'm also really really relieved.

[Armee]

That's wonderful news. Rest well and guilt free, Blueberry. You deserve that.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee   I was actually at choir practice this evening, which did me good. Sometimes it's not 'doing nothing' / 'lying on the sofa' that I need so much as doing some other particular inspiring thing, or doing something artistic or musical, or just going for a tiny little walk and enjoying trees and flowers. So that's the 'resting up'

But I do note that I obviously need to take things more slowly than I would have been able to if LL had got his way. But fortunately he doesn't get his way. He has to act in accordance with Tenant Rights. He will get a surprise in a couple of days in the form of a letter from a lawyer at Tenant's Rights Assoc-n! I presume he was just trying it on, trying to see what he could get away with. Ha! He didn't realise that after the initial shock Blueberry here is capable of getting help from the TRA no less

Also there's no point in me moving out before my upstairs neighbour does and she's a Messie so I don't think it's going to be super fast in her case. He can't just throw her out. If she doesn't get her act together, then he'd have to bring lawyers in. He probably has lawyers, but even so that's going to take a while too. Correspondence back and forth and refusals and what not. So who knows exactly but I imagine I have at least another month here, probably more. I am continuing with sorting and throwing things out, which is good preparation for a move.

[CactusFlower]

wishing you energy to continue sorting stuff. Also glad to hear you have more rights than LL led you to believe. Gentle hugs and hoping this process goes as smoothly as you need it to.

[Armee]

This is all amazing Blueberry. The LL situation and your healing.