Accepting Myself

[sanmagic7]

glad for you that FOO came thru financially, blueberry.  actually, i think you're doing a great job of maintaining a balance w/ them as well as w/ others in your life.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

They have come through financially but just this once. They're still not giving me what I asked for: long-term information. 
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Had a hard weekend. I actually had a number of things semi-planned from Fri eve till Sunday eve. Only made Sun eve - choir. That did perk me up a bit. Before that sometime on Sun I suppose I realised that part in me that suggests removing myself from the earth would be best made itself felt. No wonder it's been a hard weekend.  The good thing, the progress is that I was able to reach that knowledge that these phases pass and I managed to move out of that state pretty fast .

Now I just feel dopey again and I really don't want to finish my translation. It's time I stopped taking these jobs on at all. I often think I can after all, looks easy etc, it isn't. Or I'm not capable of deciding what the exact meaning is in the original far less finding the correct term in English. It's time I got back into trauma therapy so that I can work on my OSDD with help. Since that's part of the problem. Part of me wants to give up translating because it's so strenuous, another part wants to keep going because?? etc Then there's the part that suggests removing myself from the earth for being such a failure as not being able to translate. fwiw I've just posted on holidayay's Journal that she's not a failure. Neither am I but some part of FOO I believe(d) thinks or thought so.

I think I need to promise someone irl like my doc that I won't take on any more translations till the end of this year anyway.

[milkandhoney11]

Blueberry,
I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you in these difficult times and that I appreciate how hard it is what you are going through.
My self-worth has always been linked to my ability to work and contribute something to others' lives and unless I am slaving away every day doing something "helpful" I feel like I am a complete failure. But I am starting to see that this is just my trauma voice speaking and that it is okay to take care of yourself sometimes. It is hard to accept that you need a break for sometime and I understand that you are struggling to give up the translations for the time being, but to me it seems like you are doing the right thing when you are allowing yourself a little break.
My humble advice would be to take a little time off to recover and focus on your healing, so when the time comes and you feel ready to start with your translation again, you will be full of strength and will find it easier to concentrate.
I don't know, this is just my experience and maybe you'll find that you don't resonate with this at all, but I'm just trying to say that your feelings matter and that I I hope you can find a way to get through this.
You are such a kind, caring person I wished I could help you in any way. I'm glad your are in this world because you keep bringing so much kindness and understanding to others despite everything that happened in your past and that is worth so much more than any translation...
Take care of yourself
Gentle hugs if you want them

[Blueberry]

Thank you milkandhoney for your kind and thoughtful comment.

If I finally take a break it will be for a long while, not a little while. Probably a couple of years, but maybe for ever. But you are right - I agree with what you say, at least I agree most of the time. The very fact that this is all so difficult is connected to the Dissociative diagnosis I got in inpatient stay this year. I just came across OSDD today here on the forum and that's what it seems to be. So of course it makes more sense to try and clear up some of this OSDD stuff - recover, unify myself in some way - than keep struggling. Especially since FOO is actually sending money. That makes even less reason to keep struggling to earn money.

Since the title of my Journal is Accepting Myself - that's the other thing: accepting myself as having OSDD and that making life really difficult, especially working life.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, once again, a plate full of acceptance, instability (FOO and financial assistance), battling against that certain part, to work or not to work - it's so much.  i do understand about how difficult translation can be - in mex. i often helped my hub with it for others.  i also watch lots of tv w/ translated subtitles, and when you talk about which meaning goes w/ which word, and even how sometimes you just have to get close cuz a word might not be translatable in another language - it's very hard work.  i think you'd be very good at this, conscientious about what you put out, but i've come to accept that just cuz i'm good at something doesn't mean i have to do it.

i'm honestly glad you have choir.  i know how much you enjoy it, how much it does for you.  i have no doubt you'll discover the answers that work for you.  love and hugs 

[Armee]

 

It's really hard. I'm sure I have OSDD too, BB. Accepting it has been a long road...I mean not even accepting it just being able to say it.

The conflicts it causes...work, not work...sing, don't sing...hide don't hide

Probably short term jobs might be ok? Ones you can take and finish in a day or two before the switch happens?

[Blueberry]

It's really hard. I'm sure I have OSDD too, BB. Accepting it has been a long road...I mean not even accepting it just being able to say it.

The conflicts it causes...work, not work...sing, don't sing...hide don't hide

Underlined by me. I had to lol when I read this. You obviously get it!

I ought to have finished the present job in 2 days, even by my standards. It really is time to give this translation stuff up for a good while. Yeah, give up... don't give up, do something more hands on eg. shelving at grocery store...do no paid work at all, hey you can translate so do it...no this is way stressful so give up. ad nauseam.

[Blueberry]

Been roaming around on the Internet for hours, esp. on websleuths. Don't do much sleuthing lol but other random things with my attention to detail.
_________

Realise I've fallen into the same 'trap' again of allowing somebody to help me with logistical stuff e.g. place to store some of things temporarily as well as place to have warm shower. And then suddenly this person seems to think she knows more than I do about traumatising and gaslighting parents. That was on Friday. I couldn't defend myself as usual or more likely say 'Stop. Not up for discussion' so ended up justifying my actions somewhat but also spacing out / dissociating so that I couldn't justify very well.  Well, at least I caught the situation before it got out of hand and have since emailed to put kind of a stop to it.
I also watched one of the many Patrick Teahan youtube videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF8UPCQGv6A and would put this person in the codependent agent role. Helpful to watch.

Then this evening I got a call from B2 who's at my parents. I don't have a modern phone so I can't see who's calling. He wanted to know if I'd seen his emails of the past few days, instead of emailing me to ask or sending an email with a request to send a Read notice. Being a dope no an abandoned inner child, I clung on to the line briefly to ask a few questions about parents instead of saying: my boundary is - email me. It was obvious B2 didn't want to stay on the phone. Just wanted information for my parents, probably M who doesn't have the patience to wait for a reply from me though expects me to have a huuuuuge amount of patience when she doesn't respond. 

[Blueberry]

Today I went to T appt and talked about the missive I'm attempting to write to my parents and to my sibs. My T asked what would  speak against telling my parents some home truths before I go NC along with giving them a last chance for saving contact with  me which there is 0.0000000001 % chance of them taking: if you want any contact with me at all before your dying day, act now. Tell me the truth about family money. Start treating me like your daughter rather than something you wipe your feet on.
That kind of thing. It's really hard. Tho I think the hardest is accepting that they have been lying to me for about 6 years, at least, and that they just don't care. So writing that letter to them and knowing it is the end. What's preventing me sending it asked T. Two things: one tiny little bit in me that's still hoping they might help financially after all. And then something like a conscience I suppose, but a conscience in the wrong place, wrong time, wrong situation.

Bolded by me.
Now I'd say maybe it's too much internal upheaval after all? Better to do a fade-out to NC rather than announce it. It is good for me to know I'm getting money, that really does help. Also B2 being there with parents doesn't help me saying anything. Also I do know that nothing reaches my FOO, they just gaslight. Whether they do that towards me or behind my back among each other is probably irrelevant to me at this juncture. Not irrelevant in the sense that what I don't know doesn't hurt me, but rather the opposite - me frightened of repercussions. Repercussions / punishment was a biggie in one of Teahan's youtubes on what might happen when you do a FOO cut-off, also a biggie in the sense of this-might-be-a-reason-to-be-careful, in how you do the cut-off, rather than doing it at all. My FOO is big on repercussions and punishment.

No wonder I don't have the wherwithal to concentrate on my translation or even the impetus to get out of bed atm and get on with anything. High time I looked for more trauma therapy. I do have a trial appt on Friday with a T with a 12-month waiting list. The trial appt is to see if we could work with each other. Getting into adequate trauma therapy (including therapy on my type of somewhat-less-than DID is so much more important than trying to force my way through another translation. In fact not getting on with it is undoubtedly some inner rebellion going on, saying - you have to look at this other stuff first, finally, now!!

[Armee]

Just sending along hugs to deal with any aftermath of talking to FOO. 

And yeah, I do get it for sure. I deal with the same mind boggling conflicts.

Looking for a T with experience with this is probably a great idea and definitely more important than translation.

[dollyvee]

Hey BB,

I get what you're going through with wanting to give the family a last chance. A lot of the time when we want closure it's more about the unhealed parts in ourselves that, like you said, will hope they see this as their last chance to love their daughter. It's an idea that's really hard to grasp - that they don't/can't love you. At the end of the day though, you can love you even if it isn't "fair" etc, it's what you have to do. I often went back to my family hoping somewhere inside for a response that they just weren't able to give. I thought I had to be "fair" etc. I hope you do what's best for BB and put yourself first whatever action that may be.

dolly

[Blueberry]

dollyvee, thank you. I appreciate your comment. I think the last chance I was going to give them was coming up with the money due to all 3 of us adult kids despite me saying my piece. Now they have paid w/o me saying anything. Which kind of took the wind out of my sails and/or makes me think it's maybe better to lie low than say anything. otoh that would mean I haven't cut FOO off / gone NC the way it seemed necessary to me to even heal. idk. Clarity will come on that I guess.

The past few days I've been doing more or less nothing. Lying around reading and dozing. Had another Corona scare  - was in the immediate proximity of someone else for a couple of hours who turned out to have Corona. I cancelled everything this week to not turn into a Corona-spreader and to not get anything myself from anywhere else. I have a trial trauma T appt tomorrow. Didn't want anything to sabotage that.

[Armee]

Wishing you luck with the trauma T tomorrow. Hope it is a good fit.

[dollyvee]

Hi Blueberry,

Hopefully your family paying you is some sort of resolution for what was happening for you and you can have peace and go on your way after it, in whatever way. In my family, money was used as a means to control and a surrogate for love. Growing up issues became about money for me, I needed my mom to take me school shopping, I needed underwear, she was buying my brother more expensive Christmas gifts etc, but underneath it I think it was why aren't you loving me or caring about me? It was also used to control as my gf had the money and we had to do whatever to keep him happy.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Blueberry]

Trial T appt last week was good. Waiting list up to 12 months though. Yikes. otoh better somebody competent with a waiting list than somebody incompetent with next to no waiting list like I experienced in the summer.

Last week in occup. T I made a contract for myself that I won't be taking on any more translations till the end of this year, which is fast approaching. I did intend to finish the translation I was working on. Still not finished. I did a fair bit of terminology work today on about 5 words. I even asked for help on my professional forum - and got some too with no snarky remarks. Haven't managed to turn the information into a sentence though. It really is just one sentence I can't do. Well so far. There's a bit at the end of a page too, but not complete sentences. Anyway, my brain is total mush. Time I gave up. Really time I gave up. Have to accept that... Unfortunately I don't seem to be able to accept that I can't. Or some part of me can't accept it. Anyway, try to get this thing in by tomorrow (after working on it for about 3 weeks - off and on. More off than on). Then invoice. Then no translation for however long it takes. Two years? For ever?

Been sitting here doing SH (pulling my hair out) for quite a while instead of finishing my translation. Well, at least I got help on professional forum    Often very difficult for me.   Somebody collected a chair off me this evening. I'd been advertising for weeks, now it's gone.    Good to get rid of stuff.