Not Alone: 2022

[sanmagic7]

sitting with you, enjoying a coffee by your side, just letting you know you're not alone. 

i've rented a room in a stranger's house, and i understand about the pros and cons.  if needed, it may be a way to get your feet under you until you can move on.  of course, it just may not work, either.  best to you with this.

as far as your H and his hug go . . .

still sitting w/ you, notalone, while you go thru all this.  love and hugs

[Armee]

I'm so sorry, Not Alone. This is so sad and not fair. My heart is breaking for you. I don't understand why he is allowed to give so little and take so much. 😪

Being alone in a home or condo would feel very strange after a whole life of living with the family you raised. It's been a long time for me but the time I spent living alone I really enjoyed the freedom and comfort of just getting to be myself.



This is a really shocking change to have to get through. All parts of it.

[Not Alone]

Thanks, San. I appreciate your words and like the thought of you having coffee with me. I hope you don't mind the cat curled up on the bed!

Armee, "shocking change" is a really good way to put it.

The things that I need to do today:
- spend some time on the class I'm taking for work
- visit the house that my friends are buying, who invited me to rent a room
- spend some time doing something with my son
- small group Bible study tonight

I spent 30 minutes on my class. I want to work on it for an hour, but my anxiety is increasing. I'm going to take a break.

[Not Alone]

The things that I need to do today:
- spend some time on the class I'm taking for work
- visit the house that my friends are buying, who invited me to rent a room
- spend some time doing something with my son
- small group Bible study tonight

I spent 30 minutes on my class. I want to work on it for an hour, but my anxiety is increasing. I'm going to take a break.

When I think of other things that I need to do, I feel a shot of panic. I'm trying to stick to my list and do other things that bring a little calm to my system.

I finished another 30+ minutes of my class.

[Not Alone]

I received a phone call saying that my application for the small condo was accepted. I felt a punch to my stomach and panic. I said that I would let him know by tomorrow morning. It was the opposite feeling of "I hope I get this place!"

I visited the house that my friends are buying, where they said I could rent a bedroom. I still don't know, but it felt better there. I could see myself sitting at the kitchen table, doing my work. The bedrooms are a good size and bright.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, the cat is more than welcome. 

one of my favorite phrases is 'go with your gut'.  it's served me well over the years when i've had big changes/decisions to make.  i also know the times i ignored my gut, and it ended up badly for me.

i'm glad, on one hand, that you got the offer.  however, from what you're saying, it seems like there's a little something 'off' to you, especially if you're already feeling better about staying w/ your friends.  maybe you don't need to live alone right now - it could be anything.  you're in transition, for sure, so please be careful and gentle w/ you and your thought processes.  love and hugs, my dear

[Not Alone]

San, thank you for your input.

I did go with my gut and texted the realtor and said no to the condo.

I saw my T yesterday. He encouraged me to talk to mediator & husband about me keeping (buying) the house we live in. From the start of H saying he wanted a divorce, he has said he wants the house. My therapist said he's had many people say to him, "I wish I had. . . " With his help, I wrote a letter to H asking him to consider selling me the house. His initial response was that he didn't want to move. He also said he wants to be by our son, who lives at the house. There's a whole lot that I could say about both of those things, but for now I'll just leave it there. He did say he would think about it. I can't imagine him changing his mind.

This morning my H told me he was going to look at a townhouse that a friend of a friend was selling. He saw it and wasn't crazy about it, but he is seriously considering buying the townhouse and me buying/staying in our house.

We see the mediator tomorrow.

It feels like an earthquake inside of my body. So much stress and now the possibility that I won't have to find a place to live. That is good, but still ramps up my feelings. I took a walk in an effort to regulate. Even though good to get out in the sun and move, my anxiety hasn't gone down at all.

I just read what I wrote. It is like I have been in earthquake after earthquake for the last nine months. I started thinking of everything that I've had to deal with, but it is too much to write down. The earth is still moving. There are still huge unknowns, decisions, difficult and new roads ahead. No wonder my body isn't calming down. Our bodies were not meant to feel calm in the middle of crisis. The divorce crisis has been months long and I'm still in the middle of it. Yikes.

[Blueberry]

I did go with my gut and texted the realtor and said no to the condo.

Good on your for trusting your gut.

I'm sorry it feels as if you're in an earthquake and have been so for the last 9 months. I hope for there to be a resolution soon for you.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Blueberry.

[sanmagic7]

still with you, notalone.  i hope resolution comes soon for you.  i agree, we are not meant to feel calm in the middle of a crisis.  all systems alert.  pile one earthquake of crisis after another, and it's truly difficult to find a means of calm. you're going thru it wi/ determination and perseverance, and i applaud you for that.  the little things, you know?  one step in front of the other. love and hugs. 

[Not Alone]

This morning my H told me he was going to look at a townhouse that a friend of a friend was selling. He saw it and wasn't crazy about it, but he is seriously considering buying the townhouse and me buying/staying in our house.

We see the mediator tomorrow.

Today has been beyond horrible and crazy-making.

Yesterday my H gave me hope that I would be able to stay in the house. This morning he said how far the townhouse was from MY work. In other words, I should buy the townhouse. I reminded him that I can't get a loan until I have a month of paychecks from my job that starts in July. I cannot move and be starting my new job. IT IS TOO MUCH!!!!

Then he said, "Neither of us want a divorce. Maybe we should take a couple years and work on our marriage." What!!!!!!!! You are saying this now!? After the * of the last nine months? An hour before our last mediator session?

Crazy-making

Then we had session with the mediator. I won't go into all those details, but my H acts all nice. It was difficult, to say the least.

Yesterday, H wanted me to see the townhouse. We went after the session. He did such a turn around, I was confused. He asked what I thought. For me or for you? He wants ME to buy it. He didn't like it, but he wants me to buy it. Several times he has said that he wants our house and to stay with our son. Well, I want that too. I have no legal recourse. If we took it to the judge, he would order the house sold, then we all lose.

I am really confused and upset. I still don't have a place to live. As I look at what he did to me today, not even including the last 27 years, I need to get away from him. He is manipulative and selfish. To do what he did today shows zero care for me, despite how he says things that appear caring.

I still can't believe what he did to me; gave me some hope then totally flipped and manipulated me. It was cruel.

[sanmagic7]

  all over the place about what your H has done. 

just a side thought - is it an absolute that you wouldn't be able to stay in the house w/ your son?  has that been verified as yet?  just looking for a way out of this nightmare.  i could use a hot cup of coffee right now, warm blanket, cuddle pillow to just sit w/ or chat about silly things.  care to join me?  love and hugs

[Armee]

It was cruel and manipulative and I am so sorry he is putting you through these mind benders. I'll join you and San with a hot beverage and warm blankets.

[Mandox]

oh goodness, so painful and stressful sounding.  Is it possible for you to ask your H clearly for something specific?  Can you tell him what you would like to happen/need to happen?  It sounds so confusing and rollercoaster !  Is it decided that you are definitely parting for you?  Sorry, I hope I'm not asking too many questions and being personal ?  You don't need to answer, I think what I'd like to say is that for cptsd, confusion and circular stuff is so difficult.  Take personal advantage of the mediator and see them alone if you can.  I hope you soon find a happy home where you can feel more stable.

[Not Alone]

I was very specific w/ H that I want the house. I've been told my several people that if we both want the house, the judge will order it to be sold and the money split. That leaves three of us homeless. I won't do that to my son.

I did not get out of bed until 10:30. I don't think I stayed in bed that long since I was a teenager. I really cannot cope. Family is coming over tomorrow for Easter. Too much to clean. Too much to cook. I just can't.

TW

I keep telling myself that I need to not abandon my children. The new job, the divorce, not having a place to live; it is all way too much. Just opening my laptop to type this took a lot of effort. I don't know how to get through this day, let alone tomorrow with company and the next day at work. I just can't.