Rainy Journey 23

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, offering a shoulder for you to lean on.  all this stress can only be exhausting.  plus that incident at work.  i totally get why it would cause those tears to flow.  here's hoping for some restful sleep.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Sending wishes for restful sleep and a calm tomorrow 

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I appreciate the care and support.  It was helpful. 
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San, thank you.  I appreciate your support and understanding....I may need some more of it after sharing my update.   
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Bach, I appreciate the wish.   
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I survived the day and feel less overwhelmed.  I am realizing it is relatively new for my husband to actually tell me when he is having a hard time.  So I am needing to learn some new ways of being in relationship to that.

I am feeling shame too.  Sometimes to fit in at work, I join in talking crap about other people.  It is mean and I wish I had held my tongue today.  It is important that I noticed that and hopefully can extend some kindness to myself and be more mindful next time.

Tomorrow we are meeting with our realtor to discuss how we want to respond to our inspection.  There are a few things eating at us that aren't necessarily deal breakers.  But there is so much uncertainty with this process even though folks will act like it is a done deal. 

What a week it's been.

[Armee]

Home buying is very stressful as is navigating gossip and relationships.

[Moondance]

Hi Rainy,

You are dealing with a lot and although it feels difficult and stressful, it serms to me you are adapting, you are learning and you are doing it, your going through it which I admire you for and I think it's amazing.

Please give yourself a lot  of credit, okay well give yourself some credit if a lot is too much.   

My intention is definitely not too minimize what you are going through.  Just want to recognize how brave you are whilst going through it.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee and Moondance. 
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I did sleep a little better last night.  I am fading as the day goes on.

We have a meeting with our realtor later so I am trying to just take it easy to save energy.

Something different is eating at me.  My school district has some summer classes and one of the classes this year will be about autism.  I signed up for it because I am curious to hear what will be said.

I am also already deeply stressed about it.  Given what I know about the person leading the class, I have serious misgivings about it because of her specific training and perspective.  I think the way she is going to talk about autism is going to be very harmful.  It upsets me so much that she is leading this. 

So I'm trying to decide if I actually want to go.  Part of me thinks it could be helpful to hear and use it as a starting point.  But if it is just going to upset me, why would I do that myself? 

I posed this question in a Facebook group I'm in and regret doing so.  I imagine no one is going to respond and I worry I will come across as lame. 

Also just feeling a bit overwhelmed and triggered by some things I've seen happen to students today.  Seriously making me question why I work where I do.

[Not Alone]

Your feelings about the autism class are valid. You have some time to process and decide if attending is best for you.

Congratulations on the house. I know that buying the house comes with a lot of stresses though.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Not Alone.  Even though I feel foolish for the post I made on social media, I think it made me see that if I feel this terrible about something that hasn't happened yet and that deep down I know is going to be too upsetting to be part of, I should choose a different class.  There aren't many that appeal to me, but there is one that may be a good option.  I would potentially learn something new. 

If I am honest, some of what is upsetting is that I feel like some of the course offerings are a direct result of some of my openness and honesty.  I would be happy to run a class, but won't be asked.  It eats at me even though I know that my perspective isn't the only perspective.  But, if I am making an impact, then I can continue to do so in my way. 
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Today my husband and I met with our realtor to respond to the inspection we had done.  There were some things that need to be done by law and some that are important to address.  The seller has three days to respond.  Hopefully we will continue to reach agreement.

I have no interest in going to work tomorrow.  I'm not clear what my current balance is (my workplace is so old school and doesn't have online systems that work to show us our leave balances) and want to save some time for closer to the end of the school year when I really don't need to be there.  I like my Friday student schedule so will try to focus on that.

[rainydiary]

Another night of not enough sleep.

I can only find temporary relief.  I'm not sure what I can do to care for myself better right now.

[Blueberry]

 

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, Rainy. Wishing the best for you regarding the realtor and that class topic. May things go as smoothly as possible.

[Not Alone]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you BB. 
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Thank you CF - I wasn't able to change it today like I thought I would be.  I had added the class I thought of switching to before and deleted it.  Hopefully I can figure out how to make the switch. 
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Thank you Not Alone. 
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Well, I made it today.

I am exhausted and have huge bags under my eyes.  I hope I can get my sleep back on track.

What's been happening is I'll fall asleep ok and then I will wake up around 2 a.m. and my brain will not stop.  With the pressure to get up before work to exercise, I then haven't been able to relax enough into sleep or to feel rested.  My brain is also processing all the things going on and that will come.  Our apartment airflow is not great so it is too warm for me to sleep.  And the house buying process doesn't help.

Today was ok.  I realized I only have 5 more Fridays with the kids I see on Fridays.  That made me a little sad.  7 more weeks and then I hope for a fresh start.

We are waiting to hear what the seller made of our requests following our inspection.  It's annoying because some parts of this process are putting pressure on when the deal could fall through still.  It seems like the seller wants to sell their house as they are moving out of state.  Hopefully they will take care of it.  Waiting to hear is difficult. 

[Not Alone]

I hear and relate to the stress of work and housing waking you in the middle of the night and not being able shut your brain off. I also don't sleep well when I'm too warm. You really need a break and it is so hard when you aren't even getting that at night.

[sanmagic7]

the shoulder is still here, rainy, whenever you want to use it.

a lot has happened since i've been here.  so very sorry about the sleep thing - i hope that gets resolved and you can get some rest.  you do have a lot of stuff on your mind, which might be interfering. 

i did the 'office politics' things, too, and got called on it by my supervisor.  i also thought it would help me 'fit in', but, like you, i ended up w/ a bad taste in my mouth about it.  it was a learning experience in the end.  sometimes we have to make mistakes in order to learn from them.

i think the dynamics you're experiencing about the autism class seem to come from various angles - you don't trust the speaker, you think this may be a product of you speaking up about it, and you think you may be distressed by what you hear.  i've been to seminars re: my own professional work, have spoken up when i didn't agree w/ what was being said, was talked down on the subject, but held my ground in my head, and continued to work w/ my charges the way that worked best for them.  by the by, surprisingly, after the seminar, another participant came up to me and thanked me for speaking up, said she believed the same as i, and it was good for her to hear it from me.

unfortunately, since my perspective clashed w/ the speaker's perspective, i didn't get a whole lot out of it except for required CEU's.  but i did get validation for my perspective from the other participant, so that felt really good and helped me know i wasn't nuts for thinking the way i did.  so, i agree, rainy, do what you think is best for you.  love and hugs