Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

@rainydiary I agree.  *hug* Thank you for holding space for me while I vent.

In about an hour, I have a talk that I requested from an online community I joined in January. So I'm going to see how much of this story I can get out before I have to go.  I tend to word vomit, then cut and paste all of it here a few days after I've had time to process my thoughts, so instead, I'm going to try real time, and see how it goes...*

The talk I am going to have is on Loneliness and how it affects the brain.  In it, there's this line that goes something like, "we figured a support group for lonely people would make the most sense, but it didn't work"  Only...the reasons he cited....didn't resonate with me, and I'll tell you why*. 

Something that boggles the minds of my co-workers* - despite being so incredibly burnt out and conditioned by abusive workplace conditions that I can no longer get my basic needs met - My life consisted of waking up at 7am, logging into work, sitting in front of my computer until it was time to go to bed...to the point that even if I was able to log out at a decent hour, I would just go straight to bed...I wasn't recognizing it was my brain protecting me from the lack of psychological safety....I wasn't able to go for walks, I wasn't able to go to the store...not because she said I couldn't, but every time I tried, she'd need me to do something.  When I was transparent about where I would be - as in, "I am going to need to go to the office" it was never...NEVER "ok, cool" and she knew she could go to ANOTHER FRIGGIN ADMIN - it was, "why do you need to go in?" and then a pause and a judgment of whether or not she deemed the reason APPROPRIATE - such as, "well I AM the only point of contact for the ENTIRE office, and we are being audited, or I need to ensure covid standards are met"  But what she didn't get was, I wasn't ASKING HER PERMISSION - but she was treating me like, "well I decide whether or not this is important enough", and that made me feel like a kid.  But..this is the way I'm always treated at work.  By every boss I've ever had.  And trust me, she's NOT the worst.   The worst was the woman that made me DYE MY HAIR to a more TONED DOWN shade, because my red - the one that made me feel attractive for the FIRST time in my life was, "inappropriate" for the workplace.  And my clothes? Well, I couldn't wear anything that didn't have a sleeve, and I had to only wear clothes with no patterns*. 

The most ironic part of all that - her son had sensory processing disorder - so my requests of, "it's too cold, can I go outside for a walk to warm up?" were denied because then I wouldn't be able to get my work done.  And being told by the owner at 7pm that I needed to get a hold of an admin in NYC (that's 8pm EST) and change a meeting - "can I do it in the morning, it's 7pm?" No, stay and do it now.  But then they leave.  So you know, this current one would have me clear her calendar to go get her hair done, and then have me sit and wait in front of my computer at 9pm on a Friday because she had a whim. 

It made me sooo mad, I'd point it out, how is it not obvious to everyone what she's doing? She's testing my boundaries, she's seeing how much I can take and I can't take it, I keep SAYING I can't take it, just like I couldn't take it when my abuser would gaslight me and I had to SUPPORT the both of us with this horrible toxic job that was killing me - just to stay alive.  Because I had nowhere to go, no friend that said, "stay with us" - no, all these friends just saw every time I'd raise my voice because I felt threatened or invisible.  When I said what I was going through, people would just tell me that was the way a relationship was...I never experienced a different type of manager, how was I supposed to know this was abuse? I just had to do what she said, because she was my manager, that's what everyone kept telling me, keep my head down, keep my job - I knew what was out there....I could tolerate it, besides, it was a mostly remote job, and she didn't push me needing to go into the office, when every other company was/is doing return to work. 

And that's what happens when I try to tell a story.  EVERY time.  One thing, leads to another, leads to another and I didn't even start telling the thing I tried to say*.  This is what I am afraid will happen when I try to go back to work.  When I attempt to tell HR what happened, and so I've been trying to WRITE it, but soo much comes up, and I say, Hey, can you come over and sit with me, because too much is coming up, I need you to hold space for me so I can get it out.  But, that isn't what I say...or, it kind of is.  I try to frame it to a reasonable for their capacity situation.  My one friend, I said, can you just call me on the phone like you used to and tell me about your day?  She said, "no, because I called you when I went shopping, and I have food delivered to the house now". 

Um....Thanks.  So I have to be all, I understand.  Because I do - she's telling me she doesn't have the capacity.  But what I'm hearing is, "I would if you were family, but you're not"  and then I feel like the crazy girl in the movies/tv shows - like if I react emotionally they are going to think I'm a psycho.  Because that's what all the literature says I will do.  Which is why, when I got fired from M, they had security escort me out.  They said they were afraid I would throw a chair through the server glass.  Um...why? 

Here's the reality of what happened:  I was being harassed by the mail clerk.  He would trigger me so much.  I'd be walking down the hallway pushing a cart and he'd come up behind me and put one arm on either side of the cart outside of my hands and press up against me.  I'd get stiff and say, please don't do that, but he would say, come on, you like it. 

I rarely if ever got a lunch break (a trend throughout my career - and one that contributes to an eating disorder now) I could barely ever even go to the bathroom, someone had to be sitting at the desk.  No one would sit at the desk (not no one, but really verrrry few) so anyone that walked by, I'd beg, can you just sit here a moment, please? and I'd either run to the bathroom, or run to shovel some food down my throat in the coat closet that was like 100 ft from where I sat.  I was reprimanded any time someone caught me with food hidden at my desk.  So occasionally this mail clerk would cover me so I could have an actual break.  I would take this opportunity to hide somewhere, so I wouldn't be asked to do something if someone saw me. 

When I'd come back to my desk, he'd have changed my wallpaper to pictures of him and his cat....and he would...do things to trigger me that would remind me of the abuse from my FOO.  So I'd say, Leave me alone, get away, just stop, I can't leave the front desk, so I can't get away, and I'd feel so trapped, so one day I raised my voice....when my friend was sitting on the couch with me, as I was telling him this story....it was like I was there, so he heard the exact pitch and tone in which I said it.  He could see I was visibly shaking, with tears welling up in my eyes and just the terror of needing to be out of that situation...so I went to HR and shortly after, I was terminated.  I was called into a room with someone on speakerphone that said, I think we all know why you're here and a woman handing me cobra information.  I was hysterical crying, I cried for days, and after that I couldn't get one reference, not one person to say what a good job I did....and shortly after that, I was in a car accident, and my car was totaled.  So I had no job, no car, no insurance, no income, no support. no references. 

And it's about to happen again.  So forgive me if I am afraid to leave my bed some days. 

I didn't even get to the story I started telling you about, so I'll hit Post and try again

[Blueberry]

@Blueberry - thank you for that. I do feel bad I'm not in a place that I can read other's journals yet and it's hard for me

Please don't feel bad!    The most important thing on this forum is recovery and looking after yourself. When you manage that self-care by not reading other people's journals when it's too much (or too 'something else') for you then

It's good you've found somebody whose videos or conferences or whatever help - Gabor Maté.

Where you are rn is really really tough and I'm sorry it's so hard. I feel helpless reading the posts of yours I have read. I wouldn't have been able to go back to work in the situation you are in. In fact, I still have disability. I'm very lucky to be in a country where it might be easier to get that than in some countries. idk. I wish I could say 'slow down' to you   But of course there are then 10,000 questions on "how do I survive?", "how do I earn money?", "Where do I get the money to pay for further therapy?" e.g. if insurance won't pay trauma-informed T. I get it. But I don't have an answer other than what I've given or sometimes what other people have suggested. 

You wrote your M came in the room. So that means you have the added difficulty of FOO (family-of-origin) around. If they don't understand, that tends to not help. This is not a criticism of you because there are many reasons why you might still be living with FOO.

To that Easter Egg hunt or similar, I would add "No" in front of the "Thank you." But please know and be assured that none of this is easy. Just because I can do that now doesn't mean you ought to be able to do it now or that I could before (I couldn't and in some situations still can't). Anyway you questioning the wisdom of that person suggesting you say "thank you" means some part of you knows that's not the answer for you. So it sounds to me as if everything is way, way, way too much atm but part of you does know some of the way out of this. That's good. You have an inner wisdom.

To articles or people who say "Feel lucky!", "Feel glad that...."    They don't know. They're not dealing with cptsd. Or if you got that idea on here like from me, then I expressed myself badly. Same thing if somebody contradicts you on a statement like you're self-isolated - but "Wait a minute! You said you talked to a friend yesterday, so you're confused." I've been contradicted like that including by therapists and my reaction was for years. Now not so much, but that's been because of slow bit by bit healing and a whole lot of therapy.

I used to have conversations with other people in my head too. You're not alone with that, if that helps you to know. I also talk to the birds and the squirrels I see around since I no longer have furbabies to talk to.

I hear you're lonely and you're desperate for touch. Maybe you can feel just a bit from 

We are here and we care.

P.S. My posts always take a while so I wrote it while you were writing your latest. Sorry mine might well not be up-to-date.

[Eireanne]

Despite all my work trauma, I managed to found and co-lead an ERG for people with disabilities.  I'm completely doing it for selfish reasons, but I'm transparent about it and both other founders of this group both know and support my reasons.  In fact, they know exactly how I'm treated at work, and one of them has been really helpful...aside from pushing towards education and advocacy for people with disabilities, each month we showcase a particular disability - and one month we did CPTSD and PTSD - I was told by doctors, and understood to have PTSD, which made sense to me, except I had so many traumas that I thought that meant I had CPTSD meaning - more than one bad thing has happened.  I was told I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship, that my parents were narcissists and I needed to learn how to set boundaries.  The structure of our meetings is the first part is the presentation of the facts and the second is, to tell the personal story.  The girl that shared her personal story and I became friends.  She'd call me, and every time we'd talk, I'd tell her I felt like she was only calling me because she knew I had no other friends, but I didn't want her to call just because she felt obligated, rather, because she wanted to talk to me.  She would say, trust me, if I didn't want to talk to you, I wouldn't.  But all our conversations would be about her, and her work, and how well it was going, and how she had to choose between several different promotions but her life was so hard, and how she's so good at getting jobs, and she could help me get a job, in fact, she was exactly where I was last year, she felt hopeless, she didn't have any support either, but what she DID have was the ability to BS her way through any system designed to keep her resume from being seen, and she could help me with that to, in fact it was her side hustle, I said, great - but first I need to talk to you about my job trauma, because I'm so afraid I'm about to be eliminated that it's triggering my PTSD, she says, oh trust, me you're going to get eliminated, but it's ok, because you have me.  So she had my resume and didn't work on it for 2 months.  But every day she'd call me and tell me how work wasn't giving her anything to do, and she was so bored, but she had to look like she was doing something.  And one day I finally said, Well then why don't you take a look at my resume? And she said, I told you I will.  And I said, Look, I'm going to say something that's really hard for me, but I am hoping you can hear me and when I'm done, I need you to repeat back to me what I said.  So I said....and when I finished, I said, what did you hear me say?  She paused....took a deep breath...paused some more....said, sounds like you're really depressed.  And I know because my my deals with depression, so maybe you should be medicated....I said again, only this time louder, and I even said to her, I'm feeling triggered now, and it's not your fault, but this is what happens when I feel like I'm not being heard, and so I really need you to hear me because this is really triggering that I'm not going to be able to say the right thing and I don't know how to make this stop, but I really need to be heard and I repeated what I had said originally.  Again, I asked, what did you hear? And she said, I understand that you want me to work on your resume but I'm not going to do it until you learn to calm down, and hung up on me.  So I called her, and calmly explained again, this is what I was saying, and I was asking for her to repeat what she heard, she wouldn't do that for me either time, so I hope she will listen to the voicemail once she had calmed down, because I no doubt was triggering her CPTSD as well (which I also stated to her when I was talking) and she never called back and never called again and *shrug* will never help me with my resume. 

Oh and by the way, the exact thing I was saying to her was, "I am not saying now, because I understand you are at work, but could you really prioritize working on my resume, I gave you a job I wanted to apply for and I told you the exact help I needed with the resume was changing how my duties and responsibilities were worded to show that I have the transferable skills necessary to do the job, even though I don't have the experience - this job is a mix of all of my strengths and the best parts of myself - and I really want an opportunity to apply, I just need help with the wording" and so you can see why the response of, "you sound depressed" was really triggering for me.  And coupled by, "I'm not going to help you until you calm down" when I was not only being as calm as I could, but I was expressing clearly what my needs were....and they were ignored.  As usual.   Easter Egg Hunt.  Ugh, time for my....lecture talk....wish me luck.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

Good luck. I hope the lecture talk went OK. I'm really sorry what happened at work. That sounds clearly like sexual harassment or even assault and you should not have been terminated for reporting that. I apologize if I got some of those details incorrect. But it sounds like an extremely upsetting situation and one that would make anyone feel unsafe.

[Eireanne]

I have a LOT to unpack and I'm trying to be systematic about it, but...of course I'm not. 

The "friend" I had texted me the other day, with an invalidating message that she hopes I'm feeling better.  That things are "improving" and I'm like...how could they?  I had sent her an email explaining what social isolation is, what it feels like, what it does to the body and mind and what people can do to help.  Completely ignored.  I said, nothing about my situation has changed, so how could I feel "better"?

So today, she sent out a newsletter.  In it are parts from everyone in her collective and I had requested she put the email I sent her into her newsletter.  She declined and instead reposted one I sent a year ago that is entitled, "you are not alone".  She said she did this because it was "more in line with the theme" of the current newsletter.  Great.  Thanks. 

In it, I say, "Start with self-love and self-compassion.  When you begin to understand how important it is for your needs to be met, your eyes open to the needs of others and you have the energy to extend a helping hand. Many of us feel overwhelmed at the amount of needs we see. When you're taking care of yourself and staying grounded, you'll be a better judge of how you can give your energy without depleting your cup. (No one is helpful when they've run completely dry!)"

So I responded to her and said, "Thank you so much for choosing the email you did.  I forgive you and understand you do not have the capacity beyond taking care of yourself.  I respect that you've judged you cannot hold space for me.  I wish you well in your journey for your own healing."

*shrug*  I'm sure people will say, "oh you shouldn't have said that, you sound bitter, resentful, angry, blahblahblah" but seriously, how am I supposed to feel? 

[Eireanne]

I recognize that a lot of my behaviors are not understood by people, by that I mean...I will ask a question, and I will get a response that on the surface seems like an answer, but then after I process it (processing delay is not understood - and it's like something I don't recognize WHEN it's happening...duh, because I'm not PROCESSING it yet).  So someone will give me a suggestion, and I won't understand how to put into words why I KNOW something won't work, I just know it's not working...and I've been told my entire life that I'm just not trying hard enough.  I always felt like everyone else had this manual, and they understood how to DO stuff, and all these do stuff people look at me like, "well, why can't you do it too??" So I'm made to feel shame around feeling like I want to experience life the way other people do? I'm told that's jealousy, and I shouldn't feel that either.  I have to be more grateful for what I have, I have to be mindful and only think about others...and society is so big on correcting my behavior, but no one has ever stopped to question WHY I'm behaving the way I am...so many things makes sense to me now, but at what point is that behavior a crutch and something I should have "unlearned" by now? 

Well it would have been a * of a lot easier to unlearn if I had a different experience than the only thing I've ever experienced...sigh.

[Eireanne]

I had another journal that I've been meaning to go through and process, only hadn't had the capacity since I've been living in a constant trauma state for the past 3 years...but I received an email the other day where one of my posts was flagged for violating...something, which doesn't make sense, because there's NOTHING in the post that violates anything....so I just deleted it (as opposed to requesting it be reviewed and republished) and I'm putting it here...recognizing that I should just start working through all of those posts and moving them here anyway....so while I'm not going to start in on that any time soon, I AM going to put that one post here...

And I still need to go back and review the past 9 pages I've left here...lots to go through. 

Not to mention I'm once again behind on responding to all of your kind words and hugs.

This was written in 2020, during the pandemic when I was trapped in an abusive relationship under quarantine, so I had no way of escaping (other than to press a bookcase against the door of the room I hid in).  Any time I left the room he would gaslight me and no matter how hard I tried not to react, he would keep at me until I broke down. Rinse and repeat. 

He never understood that I didn't want to be associated with any of her energy, I didn't want to be walking in the footsteps of her ghost.  I wanted something that was ours, something that I could call my own, not just something you once did with her and now you're doing it with me, then you'll do again with the next girl.  I wanted you to hear ME, my needs, my desires, which I told you over and over again - the need to feel heard, acknowledged, connected...I needed that connection so desperately but you firmly held on to YOUR perspective of events, no matter how much energy I divested into trying to get you to change that perspective, even if I managed to for a glimmer, your brain immediately pulled you back into your safe zone...that place where I'm obviously a suicidal crazy girl that is doing things intentionally just to hurt you, because you can't see your own part in this.  You can't see how you are making it clear you have no respect for my boundaries, that my existence is incidental to you, and therefore was never considered. 

I'm the one that has to focus on my own well being and not interacting with you until I have time to process and the simple fact that you take advantage of your knowledge of my processing disability proves to me you have no kindness left in you where I am concerned. 

The sheer amount of rationalization that occurs to aide you in justifying your behavior towards me is astounding. I HAVE to protect myself from it because you keep causing me setbacks, which I can then turn around and use you as a mirror to further my own healing.

I don't know how to find a healthy relationship.  The insecure part of me is afraid I'm just attracting someone toxic to my life.  It might just be another game, look how obvious D's games are to me now.  The whole breakthrough epiphany - I'm going to be ok, yes, it means a change of plans, a change in timeline, but I will just pivot.  It's going to be ok, I"M going to be ok. 

A note to someone I was talking to at the time (I never sent it to them, but I think it's important as I'm still saying the same exact thing 3 years later)

There's stuff I'm going through that you want me to tell you about, and I haven't yet, mostly because I need to understand it myself first before I can put it into words for you.  Not because I'm trying to avoid talking to you about them.  That's stuff I'm working through currently...while also dealing with work stress, while also dealing with trying to heal past trauma and PTSD.  In the middle of a pandemic that triggered a PTSD episode...but I'm going though the steps I need, only it's hard f-ing work.  There's such a stigma involved with mental health that most people just assume it's stuff you keep quiet about, and you just put on a happy face and suck it up.  To be able to openly say, no, I have a disability, and these are my symptoms is HUGE for me.  I was taught to feel so much shame for it, and now I'm like, no, you know what? This is a medical condition and if you don't get that, then you don't get me. 

I am insecure that people will assume I'm having a meltdown or a temper tantrum, because that's how I've always been treated.  For the first time I understand that if someone regards my disability like that, then they aren't someone I need to have around me anyway...well that, and I should hide it at work (but I am slowly introducing it at work as an advocate)...and you haven't treated me like that.

So, for the awesome thing I did? A major old trauma was triggered the other day, so I've been working through a major anxiety attack, all while my work was stressful and I lost Office for 24 hours, MAJOR things that would have "caused a meltdown" in me previously.  Instead, I did all the things I have been practicing doing, and for the first f-ing time, I was able to defuse my anxiety attack within 24 hours of being triggered. Which means for the first time I have proof all the work I've been doing is working

It's what I'm doing now to get over the trauma so I don't bring it to a relationship...I need a healthy relationship with me first. 

[Eireanne]

I wrote this in 2013...to my family of origin.  2013...and I still haven't healed Not even a smidge.

I am not avoiding talking to you out of some immature, attention seeking behavior because I want to cause you worry. You have said things that have beyond hurt me, because you are upset. I understand, everyone does it, even me. When you're upset you just say things, not realizing how the person listening will internalize it, because you're so wrapped up in yourself and what is going on with you that you don't see how hurtful your words are to someone else.

However, I do realize it, and being as I am the one hurting right now, I cannot think of anything I can say to you right now that won't either hurt you, or cause you to start a fight, either with me, or each other, and I am in no mood to escalate anything. I am not doing well, and I don't have the energy for any of this. Nor do I deserve it. So I am distancing myself from it, and from you, until I can be sure of my ability to talk to you without being triggered. If you are offended that I am sticking up for myself and for once putting myself and my own mental health first, then I apologize that you don't understand how very much this is hurting me, and if you choose to take these words and use it to blame each other for anything, it only strengthens my resolve not to speak to you until I am ready. I hope you can take this time to work out whatever issues you are having, as that is what I will be doing. I'm truly sorry we don't have the kind of relationship with each other that we want, but I am not going to take all the responsibility for it any more. Please do not reply to this, and know that I love you, and don't want to cause you additional hurt, but I also do not want any additional hurt. I hope you can try to understand.

[Eireanne]

Working on the anecdotal notes again for work...I'm not sure why I keep calling them that, I just don't know what to call them.  I recognize now (not sure if I mentioned this already) that the reason this has been so hard for me was there was still betrayal I was not consciously aware of, and every time I tried re-telling the story I would get retraumatized by both the awareness and the feeling that I don't know how to successfully navigate this without support. 
 
The only reason L likes me is because I have to remain so hypervigilant.  She knows that I will drop everything to try to get her what she needs that she intentionally asks me to do things when she knows I can't.  I would document it and then tell E what she was doing.  I kept believing E was reporting this to HR on my behalf, and she kept telling me to be patient, I thought it was to get me the help I needed, and she'd repeatedly come back with telling me of some made up reason L was upset to justify why she couldn't get me to be moved. I disclosed the conversations I had with L claims that me being triggered by her repeatedly to the point where I asked my colleagues for help, because I wasn't getting it through the normal routes. 

I kept on thinking, if I could just figure out a way to communicate effectively with her that she would gain empathy or understand and I realized earlier that wasn't going to happen because she is a narcissistic abusive woman and I grew up in a narcissistic abusive household and I am predisposed to understand how to respond and mirror their behavior because they're not going to verbalize their expectations and that is so triggering for me but I do my best and sometimes I mess up and she gets so mad and I'm so afraid of her but everyone says that's just the way she is and you have to understand and you have to be you know and I don't like no I don't I do understand that's the thing and they won't hear me when I'm asking for help so I try framing it in a way that won't disclose that I'm in crisis and I say things ...

But due to the fact that I've been so isolated I don't ever get to work through what subconsciously she's triggering me and I wasn't seeing that I was seeing that...I am in such isolation and crave human connection so badly that when I finally have someone to talk to...it's too hard to explain via text.

I was in a traumatic situation the first year I was employed here.  I wrote a blog post about it.  I pretty much lost everything that first year, and have been struggling to start over ever since.  I need to be in a work environment where I can heal from the trauma that occurred.  However, my present situation mirrors that abusive situation, and I'd repeatedly ask what I could do to align with a different leader, but was told to just keep doing what I'm doing and I'll be fine...only what I was doing was unsustainable.  I said as much, but was threatened with reducing my duties and responsibilities to ONLY interacting with the individual that is triggering the trauma I haven't had time to process or heal from.  I disclosed everything to my manager in September, and since then, this woman has retaliated against me in little ways.  It's not obvious thing, it's like death from 1,000 papercuts, so that when I say, "she requested this" it doesn't seem that bad and I'm reminded to consider her perspective and the strain she's under and what a good leader he is, and like the good little traumatized girl who suffered from childhood abuse, I'll do anything to make her happy. 

I understand I can't expect the HR of my company or my manager to be trauma informed.  I can't even find a primary care physician that is trauma informed.  But you're asking the person in crisis to educate the individuals she's asking for help for WHY she needs the help.  Regardless of the documentation, taking the emotions out of it, trying to be patient, at the end of the day you are asking the individual in the abusive situation to tolerate remaining in that situation because I'm good at it and no one else wants to do it.  And it's the ONLY thing I'll ever be allowed to do here, even though I have dreams, even though I want to have a career path, I'm told I need to be quiet or it's going to be taken all away from me.  I'm asked to list out my job titles and I list them by hierarchy and accomplishments – the things I cling to, to be able to tolerate this toxic, hostile work relationship I have with LD, and I manage it with as much grace and dignity as I can muster, but it's so challenging when LD discovers I'm doing something that builds my confidence, or should be acknowledged as an achievement, a way to add value and promote our company in a good light, LD says, "Why are you doing that? You shouldn't be doing that, I'm going to tell them to take that away from you."  Further trapping me with my abuser.  I disclose to my manager what she's doing, and my manager tells me LD needs me to have the most important thing be her.  So I can no longer stop working evenings and weekends.  So I have to be available to LD whenever she has a whim, until she gets COMFORTABLE with the idea that I should be allowed to not respond.  Because the moment I don't respond, regardless of what I may be doing, if LD feels I should have answered faster, she tells my manager I am unresponsive. 

At SKO, AOA explained to me that from an outsider's perspective, I was acting like a victim.  And I now have the awareness that I AM a victim.  People keep correcting me and telling me to say I'm a survivor, but I'm not, I'm a victim, asking for support and being denied it from every avenue.  I'm completely isolated, I do not have the support I need to survive, and I'm being invalidated and ignored at every turn.  I completely relate to people with suicidal ideation because my entire life has felt like this. I have never felt safe, I have never had anyone to depend on.  I've always taken care of myself, and I have done a poor job of it because I literally have never had anyone to teach me,  I needed that modeling and I have had so few opportunities because I'm constantly alone. 

I lost everything during the pandemic, I was in an abusive relationship, I was in fear for my life, aggravated by a global pandemic where people all around me were dying and I was immunocompromised with no car, no safety, no social support. I called the police and they invalidated my experience, and did not provide any support.  My landlord wouldn't change the locks, allowed my abuser to keep the key and have mail still be sent that he could "pick up any time" I didn't have a friend I could stay with, "friends" all turned a blind eye to what was going on because my abuser was FUN and I would often have my amygdala hijacked.  I've never had anyone listen to me about my trauma before, so I held it all in, because no one would hold space for me, and everyone told me the only person qualified to hold space for me was a therapist.  But all I needed was conversation, and if in talking, I could piece together some part of my past so that it didn't have power over me anymore, then that would be a beautiful thing – but I have no one in my life that has ever done that for me before. 

[Eireanne]

A partial vent to an ex friend that turned into awareness...

This is where everyone gets it wrong.  I'm not talking to A because I have low self-esteem.  Or whatever people assume, I don't understand...if I LITERALLY had ONE other person to talk to about intimate things, I wouldn't be asking him.  And the thing is, I DID ask him, and...he didn't hear the question. In that moment I reevaluated our entire relationship and recognized I was making a healthy choice for myself, but doesn't much help bc I was using him as one of my tools to mitigate the trauma. I tried a number of different ways to explain this, but you don't seem to get it, and it's frustrating, it makes me focus on the trauma, which is great, but it brings up the longing to connect with another human being on an intimate level...once I had the awareness that I've never once experienced that in my life, someone...a PERSON that actually cared about MY needs? 

Like you have friends that come to you for...or you have people you can go to when you don't know how to do something, you recognize that you don't have to be the expert in everything.  Here's the trigger.  That I've NEVER experienced that in MY ENTIRE LIFE and I'm aching to know what that feels like,...desperate, longing, that if ANYONE shows me the slightest bit of attention it's....intoxicating...it's the closest thing I have to being touched in some way, that there's a TETHER....a person that sees me...knows I have needs? 

I long to find someone curious about what those needs are, and wants to help me with them.  I want to know what that feels like.  When SCA hugged me, I felt....held.  I felt...I can't put it into words, because I can't remember it clearly.  I can't hold onto that memory because it's been too long since I felt that....that trauma I never healed from.  And so I thought to write him.  Tell him how I felt.  But to do that, I would need to put it into words, and there was a block there, I didn't know what it was, but something....I kept starting the letters over and over...I have no conscious awareness of what they say, and don't have the capacity to do that right now. 

[Eireanne]

Getting to the heart of the current trauma and need to just put this here.

You take away my worth and power.

L consistently wants to talk to me "about how I'm doing" when my nervous system is stuck in a sympathetic response,  which is an an autonomic reaction and instead of respecting me enough to allow me to work through it, she pits me up against my greatest fears when I'm already in a mindset that I feel helpless to change my situation, which is aggravated by the fact she will not allow me to get out of survival mode long enough to thrive here.  When I ask for the simple solutions I have come up with to allow me to feel success, she threatens to remove everything I have that gives me confidence and makes me feel like I am adding value. 

I was not consciously aware of what I said, but I know I shared that I felt I was in a toxic workplace condition that was triggering my disability, the way she has to find something wrong all the time, and the amount of strain it takes to try to anticipate what she might get upset about, that I'd work around the clock past the state of exhaustion trying to anticipate her every need, and make sure I' was responsive on Sundays? and at 5am? more than once, and ONLY when I was doing something that didn't directly involve her.  When I do things that give me a sense of autonomy she threatens to take them away from me.  To the point I'm afraid to do 50% of the job I was hired to do.  And I try explaining this to my manager, and she tells me the only part of my job that matters is making L happy.

I cannot do that job, she tells me then I have to make a choice, I can be office manager or I can be L's admin, but I can't do both.  I don't understand my options, one has me out of a job at the end of the year and the other has be trapped with my abuser.  I don't understand why that's the only option being considered.  but that's just the problem, she doesn't like me.  She doesn't like anything about me.  I know from the way she treats me.  She says she invites me to her team meetings so now I'm hypervigilant about taking notes.  I ask, can I record them, I really am afraid I'm going to miss something, recalling the time she was displeased I couldn't catch any of the numbers fast enough, so I left them out.  Which K said was perfectly fine and she said absolutely not, and I just had to pay better attention.  So each Tuesday, I'm in tears when I'm either too tired, or have a headache or processing because all of my symptoms are exacerbated when I'm dysregulated, and I'm never not dysregulated to the point I now have chronic stress and inflammation to the point my immune system is compromised.  So now I'm in a panic how to get my health under control when I can't get away from her?

L would only ever talk to me once my amygdala was hijacked, so like this woman that absolutely hates emotions, and I mean I'm not judging her for it I just don't have a word for it, she only ever calls me when I'm sobbing hysterical over something and then I'm trying so hard not to and I can't even think straight and she's asking me questions and I get so dysregulated that I can't even think and I start to panic and then like I'm stuck in this trauma loop.

And I know the accommodations I need, I know they're reasonable, I keep asking for them, but because these neurotypical people decide for me that it's not necessary, they won't even listen to me asking for them they just dismiss it.  L keeps telling me I'm too sensitive, and I just can't handle that she's too direct.  I feel Completely helpless. Because no one will validate what I'm saying, they all say it's me even E who was Supposed to be advocating for me.  I told her all of this and she told me it was my fault because I talked about L at SKO.
And I couldn't understand how, because I don't know what I might have said when my amygdala was being hijacked. It was the first time in three years I had ever even been around other people in public.

I literally risked my immunocompromised condition for the opportunity to be able to work an event, because I had felt so chronically isolated that I was losing my mind. And all I was asking for was to be allowed to hang out with other people, that I felt connections with not like going to happy hours – but a real, genuine, authentic connection to my colleagues. 

[Moondance]

  to you Erieanne if okay

[Eireanne]

The more things change, the more they remain the same.  I wrote this in October 2019...I feel like I haven't learned how to self-sooth, regulate, or have confidence when I'm talking to people that I don't understand. I still feel like a trapped kid trying to survive in a world that wasn't set up for me to live.  I am still in this space, just struggling and not getting the support I need. 


Nothing has really changed.  I haven't made any progress or gotten out of my funk, if anything, it's getting worse.  I haven't read any of the books I said I was going to read, I haven't been able to find a job, I didn't even get a follow up regarding that study.  I just don't know how to get out of this overwhelming depression.  Everything makes me cry, even people that mean well.  Like M, suggesting that I find a job at Costco or Sam's club.  Or S, that sent me a list of all the "best companies to work for" and I looked through the list and was like, oh yeah, those are all the companies I couldn't even get an interview at, just an instant rejection letter after applying.  Which reminded me of when I was a teacher, none of the "good" schools were interested in hiring me, just the crappy poverty poor neighborhood schools.  But somehow M has it in her head that things were fine for me when I was a teacher and only got hard for me when I left teaching. 

I hate how poor my health is, how poor my posture is, how deflated I feel all the time.  At this point, I feel as if I'm coming across as angry and defensive, so I haven't been applying to any new jobs.  A recruiter called me up the other day, asking if I want a 4 month temp job that is literally in the building that (the last job that fired me) is in, so I'd for sure run into all of them at some point in the elevator, but I was like, whatever, sure...and then she called back to complain that my resume doesn't have dates on it, and I need to provide dates, I told her I couldn't, I physically was not in front of my computer, and wouldn't be again before end of business, and she's like, well if it's too much of a hassle for you...and I was like, it's NOT a hassle, I literally cannot get that to you, there is no way, so I did, late at night and she just said "thanks" in response, but when I asked, "does this mean it was submitted, or are you passing on submitting it?" she hasn't responded.  (update, I still haven't heard from her and I wrote this in December).  Nor has the recruiter that got me that stupid temp job I hated and stayed at for 6 months.  I wrote her and said, "I agreed to represent (temp agency) for the temp admin assignment.  I haven't heard from you since it ended.  Perhaps you've been busy and I've just slipped through the cracks, but I'm hoping that with the new year approaching you'll have new opportunities for me." yeah, no response.  I mean, whatever. 

I f-ing hate recruiters and they always lie and set me up to do these menial jobs but then won't ever follow up.  There are so few that consider me worth working with to actually be an advocate for me in finding a job.  So then I just start thinking that I'm completely unhireable.  I get so many rejection letters a day, and it seems the momentum I had a few months ago when I made it to the final 2, and they chose the other candidate? It's all just been downhill from there.  Now I'm applying to jobs I can't even see myself happy at.  (I've literally applied to almost 100 jobs since the new year, like literally the past 2 weeks).

I keep thinking of the questions they ask that I don't understand how to answer, like the "how do I" questions.  How do I maintain confidentiality in the workplace? Um, by not ever talking about s** I read or hear?  How do I show I'm inclusive/diversified? Um, because I've always been the minority and I don't judge people? Like how do I f-ing even answer that? I just AM.  What do you want me to say, how am I not racist? *rolls eyes*  How do I anticipate a person's needs? I have no idea, it's intuition, it just comes naturally to me.  I've never thought much about HOW I do things, I just do it.  I also don't think about how sausages are made, ya know?  And I get it, I know WHY they are asking, but I wish I could get down to the, I know what you are asking and here's the answer you really want to know, but I feel broken, like I can't think, and I don't know, and I get so caught up in my own head I just give non-answers, so of COURSE no one is ever going to hire me again.  The only way at this point I'm going to get a job is if someone else gets offered the job, and they turn it down and I'm the consolation... Which by the way, is how I even got the job at (last temp job), the girl they did pick only lasted 4 days and walked out, so they picked me...consolation

And I know this is just sending all this negative thought into the universe so nothing is going to change until I change, but I just don't have anything left.  I've been running on empty so long I don't even know how to refill.  I just need to go through the motions of cleaning my house, doing stupid affirmations, trying meditation and yoga again...ugh. 

[Eireanne]

Kelsey's List
Suggestions of things we could do together to distract my panic. (Don't tell me what I need/should do - and listen when I say no to something)."

5. "For dissociative panic, remind me that this has happened before and this too shall pass! It always does, but it's scary when it's happening so maybe tell me some fun facts about me or our life together that will make me smile or laugh."

6. "Sips of water can be helpful but don't tell me I need to eat or drink because trust me like I'm going to vomit."

7. "Keep breathing with me!"

8. "If we can leave where we are - take me home!"

9. "Please be really really nice to me. I'm not feeling like myself and I'm embarrassed. Feeling guilty already for putting you through this so please don't get frustrated with me."

10. "Sometimes a really long big, loose, long hug will make me feel safe."

11. "Helping me breathe will be hard but so key!"

12. "If it's really bad - call my mum or sister or BFF on the phone for me!"

13. "Tell me not to fight it - rather, let it pass through me. The more I try to control it, or for you to try and control it, the worse it will be."

14. "Empathise with me! You may not get it, but you get me!"

15. "Once it passes (like hours later), open up a dialogue with me about it. How'd you do? What can we do next time?"

Since I don't have anyone to help me with this, it's going to be things I do for myself.  WHILE I'm panicking.  Fun.