Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

This is my frustration when someone says, "I've already seen how much you've grown" because I wrote this in 2020, and might as well have written it today.  what's changed since the day I wrote this?  There really hasn't been growth. 

I see things in my past that trigger current events. I feel if I dissect everything until I can heal from it...like, if I explain to you, the reason I respond like this to this is because xyz happened in the past and made me feel like this then, so when it happens now it brings up all those old feelings - what do I DO about those feelings so they have no power over me now?

I have had a very distorted view of myself, for the entirety of my life, caused by being born into a toxic environment that skewed my understanding of acceptable behavior.  By the time I got to college, I was so beaten down, I didn't know who I was, who I wanted to be, or what made me happy, all I knew is to put my own feelings aside and attempt to make others happy, do for others, be what other people wanted me to be and cry out in anguish when I was feeling a disconnect between the authentic self hidden underneath and how I was allowing myself to be treated by others.  I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, I thought if I made my needs clear then there shouldn't be any misunderstandings, but time and time again there were, and it led to more and more disconnect, hiding who I wanted to be in favor of who others told me I was. 

I allowed my fears to get the better of me, and to stay with people who manipulated those fears in a way that mirrored my controlled and toxic childhood. The saddest part of all of this, I was not conscious of any of this going on, because I didn't have a model for any alternative, I just assumed this was what life was, and the more I fought against it, the more discontented I became, I assumed I just needed to allow these things to happen without complaint, so I could find happiness. 

I wasn't aware that my behavior, and the way I talked to myself in my own head were perpetuating a cycle of negativity that affected the way I spoke out loud, the way I presented myself...the way I continuously allowed myself to be treated, and I would find myself in situations that I didn't have the understanding to get out of in a way that didn't destroy everything in its wake. 

I lost myself in my attempt to be the person I thought would be more likeable, one who would fit in, get along, succeed, but there was always something off and I didn't see what it was.  I felt everyone around me could see it, and they were all waiting for me to figure it out, but I couldn't and for that I couldn't forgive myself.  I spoke to myself in my head the way the people who didn't have my best interests at heart spoke to me, people that for whatever reason could not see the damage they inflicted, perhaps due to their own pain. 

[Eireanne]

Most people feel the same way today as they felt yesterday.  Their bodies seek to recreate the same emotional state - which has become your homeostasis.  In order to become a new person and create a new future - you need to act in ways that produce new emotions, and strategically generate the emotions you seek to feel.

Top 4 needs - to have peace, to be heard, to be loved, to be accepted.  These have been my goals/needs for as long as I can remember, however when I try to insist? I receive these from another person, I am told things like I'm acting "co-dependent" which I never understand.  Coupled with a lot of the YouTube videos that discuss c-ptsd as having issues with co-dependency.
Is it really that wrong to not want to have to do EVERYTHING for yourself, but to depend on another person to help out occasionally?

I came across this one bit: I asked D about 3 different ways today that I was feeling upset, and I wanted to do an activity with him to get out of my own head.  He's spent all day in the living room playing video games and chatting with his friends.  I eventually brought him lunch to which he thanked me and ate, and he hasn't said one word to me since.  I might as well be living by myself.  I can't get him to understand what it's like for me and he almost intentionally finds loopholes to get out of actually understanding me.  I tried talking to AV and she just thinks I'm pessimistic and literally everyone I know is over being in quarantine and acting like everything is fine.

I've tried to get him to understand why I have issues with money/security.  There are moments where he acts like he gets it, or at least he's listening, but then he reverts back to this....unfeeling, uncaring "what does this have to do with me" individual that makes it so hard for me...
I delegate something to him, and without doing it, he finds a way to lob it back to my court, and with all common sense decides this is something I need to work on. When I say I need his help, he doesn't get it, and he's right, I shouldn't need his help, but it's triggering, and it'll put me in a bad head space, so in order to keep...going? I avoid doing stuff I know that will trigger me, which means I'm not growing.
_______________________________________________

Then there's this:

*Past emotional pains awakening up, which you thought had healed - refuse tormenting yourself with the past, look at the future with confidence and optimism.  Don't push yourself too hard

Rest and relax whenever you can.

*Some of your faults will be amplified and will irritate others, but most of the time you'll be surprised at this because you're not aware of it at all.

Sum total of your life - satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, happy

Mind - clarify, ability, health

We are meant to feel what we feel when we feel it, then let it go.

There's that invalidating message again, any time past trauma comes up I want to process it "irritates others" and I need to "let it go"  but to sit with me while I go through it so I can heal?  Pfft.  Unheard of. 

[Eireanne]

I'm so close to the trauma now.  I can feel it in my arms and my head.  A tightening of the chest.  I remember to breathe deeply. I did some EFT tapping.  I wrote down everything I thought about in the anecdotal notes.

At work, and what led to me putting myself on medical leave: Although I did not understand at the time what was happening, I knew that this was affecting my cognitive ability I was having increasing difficulty performing my duties and responsibilities causing me to need to work extra hours to complete tasks I felt should have been done already.

I had no frame of reference (since I was isolated from all other admins and we did not work as a team) to understand what other admins even work on.  When I would ask them questions about how long a task should take, I didn't know anyone else who even had the same duties and responsibilities as me. And it was confusing and lonely for me.

I feel I am not being seen or heard.  I feel I have to be compliant.  My abandonment issues are triggered.  I feel a sense of desperation that this is somehow my fault, perhaps I am the things the other people are telling me, and I have to go along with what they say.

I get dysregulated in my mind and body and search for a distraction to escape these sensations because it's an uncomfortable place to be. 

Multiple things are triggered at the same time and I try to stay linear but too many things pop up.

Despite these challenges I advocate for myself and push to find the support I need.  When I reach a dead end down one path, I find another.  I champion fixing broken processes and have achieved small wins.

I haven't been able to heal from the trauma I experienced in the abusive relationship I got myself out of in 2020.  I completely lost all social support and I knew that was the cost of my freedom.  I also lost most of my belongings, as he took mostly everything that I wasn't able to pack up into one room – none of our rooms had locks, so I had to pile up a ton of things against the door.  He tried to push his way in anyway, breaking everything he could reach, taking things that weren't even his, and I lived in terror for several weeks.  I haven't been able to sleep in years.  I'm just trying to get back on my feet.  I need self care.  I need wellbeing.  I need to get my basic needs met.  I don't know how to do that under these conditions.   Still I persist.  Still I advocated for myself, because I am re-parenting myself. I am being my own advocate, but at the cost of my ability to care for myself. 

[Eireanne]

I did a chunk more of work on the anecdotal records for work and pulled out a ton...leaving it here. 

How else am I going to learn how to navigate if LD refuses to let me interact with anyone?  Any time I try, she makes up unreasonable tasks so she can complain I'm not doing my job.

I advocated for myself by forming the colleague lead community and co-leading the group to try to build awareness and education for my colleagues and HR, whose understanding of PTSD means that it's a mental illness and I could get the day off with a doctors note as the only accommodation available. So I have been doing that doing the work of advocating for myself while fully enmeshed in the trauma response to the point that my amygdala was continuously hijacked, needing medical leave that I had asked for since September, however my manager did not take action on any of my requests.

LD started to request unreasonable things, then tells my manager any time I failed to deliver within an unreasonable time frame.  I am told I should have figured it out, I should have tried harder, I should have done it sooner.

increasing amounts of anxiety and confusion to the point that I was dealing with autistic burn out (the only thing online that came close to what I was experiencing) and not making sense of the world has caused me such anguish that I can no longer function or do daily tasks

* I was sick - physically ill - my hair was falling out, I have chronic stress symptoms and chronic inflammation which led to becoming immunocompromised.

Coming back to work, I also want to add I do not need to have teams/outlook on my phone.  They are very triggering and IF IT IS URGENT – LD can text me and I can let her know when I can assist her.  No matter how many times I tell her this, she insists on emailing me outside of office hours then penalizing me if I am not on top of it, which means I was conditioned to monitor my emails 24/7 – I cannot do that any longer. 

I asked for the opportunity to do more.  I want to work for a company who will support my career goals.  I have ambitions...I started out my career as a professional educator.  I was an advocate for my students, but I quickly learned that administration is far too political, and I was repeatedly warned not to rock the boat while I'm sitting in it. 

I was in a traumatic situation the first year I was employed here.  I wrote a blog post about it.  I pretty much lost everything that first year and have been struggling to start over ever since.  I need to be in a work environment where I can heal from the trauma that occurred.  However, my present situation mirrors that abusive situation, and I'd repeatedly ask what I could do to align with a different leader, but was told to just keep doing what I'm doing and I'd be fine...only what I was doing was unsustainable.  I said as much, but was threatened with reducing my duties and responsibilities to ONLY interacting with the individual that is triggering the trauma I haven't had time to process or heal from. 

I disclosed everything to my manager in September, and since then, this woman has retaliated against me in little ways.  It's not obvious thing, it's like death from 1,000 papercuts, so that when I say, "she requested this" it doesn't seem that bad and I'm reminded to consider her perspective and the strain she's under and what a good leader he is, and like the good little traumatized girl who suffered from childhood abuse, I'll do anything to make her happy. 

I'm asked to list out my job titles and I list them by hierarchy and accomplishments – the things I cling to, to be able to tolerate this toxic, hostile work relationship I have with LD, and I manage it with as much grace and dignity as I can muster, but it's so challenging when LD discovers I'm doing something that builds my confidence, or should be acknowledged as an achievement, a way to add value and promote our company in a good light, LD says, "Why are you doing that? You shouldn't be doing that, I'm going to tell them to take that away from you."  Further trapping me with my abuser.  I disclose to my manager what she's doing, and my manager tells me LD needs me to have the most important thing be her.  So I can no longer stop working evenings and weekends.  So I have to be available to LD whenever she has a whim, until she gets COMFORTABLE with the idea that I should be allowed to not respond.  Because the moment I don't respond, regardless of what I may be doing, if LD feels I should have answered faster, she tells my manager I am unresponsive. 
______________________________________________________________________

There's equally strong evidence the human beings just have natural psychological needs - you need to feel you belong, you need to feel your life has meaning and purpose you just feel that people see you and value you, you need to feel you've got a future that makes sense.

A LOT of my issues are not a thing I can openly discuss in my current life.  True, America is, in general, more progressive, but my reality is that I cannot disclose to my manager I have a disability without being afraid of losing my job, same as how several years ago, gay people could not disclose.  I can't tell my boss when she yells at me it triggers my C-PTSD - she will respond that I should get a thicker skin. 

No one understands that I have been working longer hours because I have a processing disorder that prevents me from understanding things at times, and so it takes me longer to comprehend what is being asked of me, then longer again to comprehend HOW to do it. Especially when my asks for context are ignored/denied.  So, when I am asked to do something I've never done before at the last minute, it causes me anxiety. 

No one seems to understand when I ask a question, "can you show me how to do this" doesn't mean "do it for me" because then I'm still not learning, and handing me a job aide only creates more work - the lesson I get is "don't bother asking".  The few people I reached out to don't understand what my needs are, and they are guessing at what the solution is, instead of just hearing me.

People suggest I should take time off. In their head they think the time off is the solution, and I will come back after a few days fully rejuvenated and ready to go.  When I try to explain that is NOT the solution because it won't make the systemic issue to go away, and again that's just me "being difficult" "not taking advice". 

I can't understand in a company that prides itself on wellness and employee wellbeing, mental health and inclusion that I am being asked to suffer in this unspeakable horror.  I lost all my social support. I have been chronically isolated and in an abusive situation.  I NEED to heal, and I don't know how I'm expected to do that if I'm about to lose my job, my health insurance, my income, my ability to provide for myself, and in short, will not be able to get my basic needs me, which is all I've been asking to do since the day I was hired. 

I feel as if I have to mask all the time.  I have to keep silent. 

To be allowed accommodations I needed to get a doctor's note. However, my disability is relatively new (and isn't even listed as a disability), so professionals haven't had a chance to get training because the research is just beginning to accumulate on both the diagnosis and treatment.

Combined with the fact and the symptoms of my disability would come out often, only I was misdiagnosed and didn't recognize them – I wasn't making sense of what I was feeling in relation to the situation.

When I cannot find any time that works for a meeting and I come back with the ask; Who is necessary to the meeting and who can be optional, and you respond "all of them are necessary, I wouldn't have listed them if they weren't absolutely necessary, just figure it out."  I don't have the tools, I start to become dysregulated.  It's harder for me to process, make sense of the world around me, I get overstimulated, people are pinging me asking me for things, I try getting to as many asks as I can, because I can't risk anyone being disappointed, or having to wait for an answer, LD starts making requests at all hours, I stop being able to sleep, I can't eat, I'm afraid to be away from my computer for long periods of time.  I stop showering, because she'll call me when I'm in the shower, and then tell me I didn't answer her.  I ask if I can go for walks in the mornings and she says yes, so she starts calling me in the mornings, asking me to find IT guys for her.  People don't understand the amount of fawning I do, or how conditioned I am. 

She'll decide to change her travel last minute
She decided she wanted me to create a new banner at 5:38pm on a Friday night 10 minutes before I was about to board a plane. 
I was terrified to ask her if I could have time off, so afraid she'd take it away from me, and I need it, it's the only thing I have that keeps me going, I'm so starved for human interaction. 
Didn't have her car pick her up
Flipped out because I asked for the afternoon off and she couldn't find another admin after hours
Asks for the car to pick her up with two hours notice
Hotel in Chicago
Response to retaliation is to send and email that something in 5 weeks is something I can only take care of and tasked me with tracking the budget
And acting like nothing has happened
I can only expect no one has given much thought to how much I've been asked to handle on my own with absolutely no support
So why isn't anyone worried about the strain this has had on me?
It's a shame work policy doesn't protect the colleague that is disclosing a workplace violations Instead it is being seen as a breach of code of conduct and my job and reputation are allowed to be threatened because of the position she holds in the company vs mine. 
LD projects this image. 

I continue to do things to increase my own sense of wellbeing, with the constant anxiety that LD will discover what I am doing and force me to stop. – This is the OPPOSITE of everything that my company says it is.   

BG, RN, Audit, Wellness, Security, MH, M (examples of the positive changes I have implemented/worked on)

Each time I expressed how I needed autonomy in any way, I was reminded that at her level, LD was entitled to a certain level of support.  That I had to be more mindful of the strain she was under, how much pressure, that I shouldn't...

I keep saying, but I don't know what to say, explain to me how to say it so she'll understand, our communication styles are too different, and people would say, don't say anything, say as little as possible, they aren't really advocating for you, and so I wouldn't know who to talk to.  I was dealing with feelings of acute isolation. 

It's too much of a strain to have to educate my manager whilst I'm in crisis begging for help and her response is to tell me LD is writing me up for telling others I'm being bullied.  Which states CLEARLY that (whatever) sharing with others my workplace conditions and the affect it's had on me.  I was asking for help, I was asking for what my rights were, I just didn't know how (insert crisis symptoms) Instead of recognizing this, as always, people just tell LD what I've said and in retaliation, LD.... I requested repeatedly if she would do them the night before, and then I can enter the documentation where she said don't get used to it it won't happen again. With her...

because the fear of me not holding my phone filled me with such anxiety. Society does not understand this, they say everybody holds their phones. But I didn't I needed desperately to disconnect. However, I was required to have my teams and my email on my phone at all times.

In addition to being on the planning committee for the Global Wellness initiative, I implemented several suggestions to alleviate my feelings of isolation, which benefited the company by increasing engagement, but upon discovery, LD consistently tells me I should not continue to do stuff like that. 

There's something about the culture of the company that made me feel I couldn't complain. The truth matters and I'm being made to feel that my truth is not reality, I feel like everyone knew and no one would say anything.  More than that, I was TOLD no one would say anything that it was accepted. 

It wasn't until the conversations at X did I become consciously aware that this was taking place.  That awareness triggered a crisis.  I repeatedly let my manager know I was in crisis.  I expressed to her the importance of me being able to have a career path at my company, assistance with navigating the career portal, advocacy for me to get the accommodations I needed.  Each time this crisis occurred I was made to rationalize it.  Told that she would look into it.  Told that RK said I can't be anywhere else, told that LD was starting to note me acting out, pushing back, being non-responsive.  Each time I felt institutional betrayal and it would trigger my C-PTSD.  I may have verbalized this, I have no conscious recollection.  I immediately went into active trauma.  I talked to the people around me because I needed to get it out of I was going to go insane. In fact I felt adrenaline surging throughout my body, inability to form conscious thoughts, executive function all that stuff from the research.  It's the research that sustained me.  The forming of A, the belief that I could be the change I wanted to see.  I thought I was working through my trauma, I wasn't consciously aware...

ET calling me and telling me that unless I can figure out how to make LD happy and not say anything then my position would be eliminated? Which isn't what she said but I can't see it right now because that's where the bad part is

I was discussing how I can improve communication style because I don't understand how to make it stop and somebody mentioned having a reasonable accommodation of just transferring me away from L and I said that I tried that as well and my request was denied because RK says that the only thing I'm allowed to do is support LD more but I recognize that I said that in mixed company, so I quickly said, I don't wanna talk about it anymore I love my job I don't want to be eliminated but the even the thought had already triggered a trauma response and I spent the rest of the day in a heightened level of hyper awareness and amygdala hijacking. 

I understand that this is a difference of communication style and have tried to address this on a professional level so many times that even the thought of asking her for some thing that means getting my own needs met causes me to become highly dysregulated which CM witnessed on our current phone call  I became aware that LD was told exactly what I said to CM because she reiterated it to me on a phone call that she made to me just prior to submitting my code of conduct violation because she repeated it verbatim.

I was immediately filled with a sense of institutional betrayal and all of the research that I was doing to try to figure out what was happening to me was found under articles of workplace violation - PTSD caused by workplace abuse and institutional betrayal - this is not my intent, this is not what I want - I want accommodations for my disability. I have repeatedly asked for them in various ways and I've had them denied because neurotypical people do not understand their necessity - because although we are a company that has... we are not where we need to be and we can do better to solve for this problem I found it and lead able to try to build awareness because when I contacted HR they said that PTSD was a mental illness and the only accommodation that would be provided would be having the day off with a doctors note

However, I had been alerting my manager ET of this situation and my needs since September. 
https://autisticscienceperson.com/2023/03/06/neurotypical-accommodations-and-unwritten-rules/ LD creates unwritten rules.  Her perspective is that she is "too direct" and I am "too sensitive"  In reality she won't answer my f-ing need for context. 

Because I disclosed my working conditions to colleagues during a moment of crisis, I was having a full blown amygdala hijack – again, if you're not trauma informed, you won't know what this means, but look it up!!!

I made a mistake by asking for help when I was in crisis. I was warned of the risks, but at the time I wasn't thinking clearly,

I feel I am in an abusive and toxic work environment and that I am being bullied what are my rights? What course of action do I take? I am told consistently to work with my manager.  I am told not to speak out against my manager, I am told that the only thing I can do to keep my job is to make her happy, and to make her happy I must....My current manager told me I must tolerate these workplace violations until she can figure out how to get the help I need. 

While I desperately could use a friend, speaking about your leader is against code of conduct and I cannot risk further retaliation.  If you truly want to be a friend, I would appreciate a letter of recommendation. 

If given autonomy, support and encouragement, I could thrive. 

When I share these wins with you, I do not feel supported.

When I tell you I finally was able to work out my pain points with security and find a way to automate some of my processes, you tell me it sounds like I'd rather be an office manager than an EA

I made it clear that I do not want to be a career admin, I wanted an opportunity to learn other areas of the business, but am repeatedly told there is no path for an admin here at my company.  I'm already at the top tier and there is no room for growth, I shouldn't have any ambition, I should not have my own basic needs met, because LD says I am "her person" that means I cannot be my own person without her saying I am "acting out".

I expressed to her the importance of me being able to have a career path at Alight, assistance with navigating the career portal, advocacy for me to get the accommodations I needed.  Each time this crisis occurred I was made to rationalize it.  Told that she would look into it.  Told that RK said I can't be anywhere else, told that LD was starting to note me acting out, pushing back, being non-responsive.  Each time I felt institutional betrayal and it would trigger my C-PTSD. 

In one of the first conversations we had you asked me to choose between being an admin or an office manager – both of which is a dead end for me.  Office manager I can devote to wholeheartedly and commit to getting the office where I want, and what happens at the end of the year when the office closes?

LD's messaging suggests that my way of doing things are wrong and I am broken, and therefore must be corrected – that the traits I have I am most proud of are broken/wrong and must be molded to be more palatable to her.  This harms my sense of pride and identity.

Not allowed to bring my full self to work.  This is an atmosphere I cannot thrive in. LD's responses to my inquiries lack curiosity or compassion and cause me to shut down.  She consistently spoke to what I consider values, they are perceived as flaws. 

I list my duties and responsibilities in order of hierarchy
Location Leader – global position, at a leadership level, connecting for the entire organization to cascade down new company initiatives.
Location Liaison- supposed to be another individual I partner with, but I am tasked with both roles
Office Ambassador – running an entire office by myself with no support from anyone else in the organization
EA – toxic, abusive, unreasonable expectations of my availability
EA – means not having autonomy, not being able to get my basic needs met, not being treated like I'm part of a team or an actual person, just an asset like an app in a phone.

that their own needs are less important than pleasing and making people around them comfortable. Making us overly compliant, leaving us more vulnerable.


LD's ideal admin
Is proactive but also doesn't take any action unless LD is aware and approves
Reads her inbox and alerts her to things she needs to respond to without asking any clarifying questions
Never declines any meeting or counters an alternative time for a conflict unless LD says it's ok

I believe when I remarked that I find her behavior toxic, abusive and I feel demeaned on a daily basis, someone told LD I was talking about her and LD told the ppl I was working with that I needed to correct my behavior and they were not to ask me to help them again.  My manager called me and told me I needed to watch my step, and repeated I should stop speaking to everyone except her.   

It wasn't until these conversations at X did I become consciously aware that this was taking place.  That awareness triggered a crisis*.  I repeatedly let my manager know I was in crisis.  I expressed to her the importance of me being able to have a career path at Alight, assistance with navigating the career portal, advocacy for me to get the accommodations I needed.  Each time this crisis occurred I was made to rationalize it.  Told that she would look into it.  Told that RK said I can't be anywhere else, told that LD was starting to note me acting out, pushing back, being non-responsive.  Each time I felt institutional betrayal and it would trigger my C-PTSD.  I may have verbalized this, I have no conscious recollection.  I immediately went into active trauma.  I talked to the people around me because I needed to get it out of I was going to go insane. In fact I felt adrenaline surging throughout my body, inability to form conscious thoughts, executive function all that stuff from te research.  It's the research that sustained me.  The forming of able, the belief that I could be the change I wanted to see.  I thought I was working through my trauma, I wasn't consciously aware.

....which says all this stuff about being protected from retaliation...but they were retaliating against me.  I felt so trapped, I needed support and all I could see was betrayal.  Everyone has told me my position will be eliminated because of this.  And that I have no rights.  Because I don't have an advocate I feel like a victim and I haven't been able to get out of bed for months.  Now my leave is almost up and I don't even understand the process or how long I have after I return before they can eliminate me.  The paperwork implies immediately, and everyone says I should be working on my resume, but I can't understand why my position is being eliminated because I was set up to fail in the first place. 

[Armee]

I'm sorry you've been in such abusive and triggering situations, EA. Do the domestic violence hotlines have any helpful suggestions or resources to help you get out of the living situation and find a less abusive job that will allow you to get your feet under you?

 

I'm sorry, it's a lot to be going through.

[Eireanne]

Thank you Armee, no I have not found a hotline that is willing to listen to me.  I tried work rights hotline, they insisted I call legal.  Legal insists that this isn't a legal matter, but a work rights matter.  They refer and refer and refer and all the numbers I call just refer me to someone else.  I feel like a pinball being bounced around.  Not one person in 3 months has said, ok, yes, I can hear your story, let me see what you are experiencing and help you with some of the wording so you don't feel alone in all of this.  I haven't been able to find one resource, one advocate, one organization that says, "yes, you've come to the right place, we can help".

Also, just for clarities sake, I am not currently living with my abuser.  That situation took place in 2020, but I am only now attempting to process it.  Since I have to do all my processing in isolation, it helps to write it here....apologies if it's confusing to understand now v. then, but I try to make it clear in my posts...sometimes my inner child mentions things...because when I'm having an emotional flashback, it feels as if I am still in it...all of the things I've experienced feel like they are happening at the same time.  So this work experience brings up all the other times I was eliminated, and I still don't see how I'm supposed to save myself. 

Appreciate you reading.

[Eireanne]

I'm not co-dependent.  I'm in an abusive relationship. 

The person who's in the relationship often doesn't know they are in a narcissistic relationship, they just don't know it's a thing, they don't know that narcissism doesn't really change, they don't know that it's not their fault, they don't know what gaslighting is.  In my experience, in the vast majority of narcissistic abuse survivors, until they've read or heard about what it was they just simply assumed that they were the problem. that these are just relationship problems and there were just good enough.

if a person will be stigmatized by their entire Community, lose all of their support or be rejected by their the only things that they know - that's a big ask. 
There ain't a day that goes by in which they see it clearly, grieve the Injustice, hope for the day they may not be stuck in it and do the best they can.  - Dr. Ramani

[Armee]

I'm really relieved to hear you are out of that dangerous living situation, EA.

Thanks for clarifying. Sometimes I find when I am writing, my inner child also comes out too. Usually when that happens I am triggering myself and need to take a step away from writing or processsing for awhile to focus on core needs like eating, drinking water, sleeping, laughing, and getting a walk. Sometimes unfortunately we can trigger ourselves and it's important to be gentle with ourselves.

[Eireanne]

Some more work thoughts...

Me disclosing my workplace conditions and their adverse affects on me during crisis is a breach of code of conduct. 

Her rewarding me for "acceptable behaviors" – working all hours and being immediately responsive but penalizing me for setting boundaries such as not having to responded to an email sent over the weekend for something that was non-urgent by telling my manager that I am "unresponsive".

She interacts with me in a way I find dehumanizing.

It was Albert Einstein who said, "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the level of thinking that created them".

I don't understand why we have DE&I and prize those values and overlook the needs of the differently abled

I Recognized I was damaging my wellbeing and kept telling authority figures that this was unsustainable.  I attempted multiple times to improve my work/life balance and to set boundaries to give me the space I needed to remain healthy.

I was desperate to prove myself and work as many hours as the others around me.

Denmark's ideal work-life balance, where staying late is a sign of being unorganized, not something that's impressive.

Personal growth and achievement are not selfish, they are necessary aspects of life.  Nurturing and developing your creativity allows you to work more efficiently, become more successful and even reduce stress in your life

I keep coming to this: you're asking the person in crisis to educate the individuals she's asking for help for WHY she needs the help.  Regardless of the documentation, taking the emotions out of it, trying to be patient, at the end of the day you are asking the individual in the abusive situation to tolerate remaining in that situation because she's good at it and no one else wants to do it. 

And it's the ONLY thing I'll ever be allowed to do here at X even though I have dreams, even though I want to have a career path, I'm told I need to be quiet or it's going to be taken all away from me.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Eireanne]

Something I told him in July 2020

There was so much gaslighting and him making me feel that normal reactions to his actions were a failing on my part.  Making me feel like I was crazy, having doctors tell me I had depression.  Believing everything everyone says about me.  Because I've heard the same messages my entire life, from everyone, so how could I help but accept that if everyone thought it, if everyone was a witness to my reactions, then it MUST be something wrong with me. 

My entire life I've just wanted someone to attend to me, validate me, make me feel seen, heard, accepted.  That I can be loved.  Just as I am.  I get so many messages that conflict with this that I don't know what's right and what's wrong and what's real and what's not.  I feel so lost in it all, all the time.

I need you to understand that I'm still not ok.  I'm not saying this so you'll feel bad or guilty, but I need for you to understand the course of events and I need you to understand the reasons why I've done things before you jump to conclusions. 

I want you to know that I'm still very fragile.  I'm still dealing with my depression, but I've done everything I can think of to help me get out of it because it's not fair to you for me to always deal with my trauma/being so triggered. But I'm so afraid you're going to hold me to this standard where you won't make an effort to really understand my trauma is real, and not something to just dismiss.  I know it's hard for you when I lash out at you or hold you accountable for so many things all at the same time, constantly.  I know I'm asking a lot, but you also need to understand it takes years for some people to heal from the stuff I get anxious about.  I'd really like it if you made an effort to hear my reasons for reacting the way I do and not just make me feel like I'm "picky" or "hallucinating" or  making a big deal out of nothing.   You can't expect me not to be triggered if you don't take the time and make the effort to understand why, you you do things a certain way causes these reactions, but respect me enough to understand that even though it may not be a big deal to you even if you can't understand/like because it's not a big deal to you it's a big deal to me and not must think my reaction is appropriate or that my reaction isn't on par with the circumstances.

Why wasn't there anyone who sat me down and said, THIS ISN"T YOUR FAULT.  This is something being done to you, this is abuse.  This is gaslighting. This is something that has NOTHING to do with you.

[Eireanne]

@Blueberry - thank you for that. I do feel bad I'm not in a place that I can read other's journals yet and it's hard for me

You wrote your M came in the room. So that means you have the added difficulty of FOO (family-of-origin) around. If they don't understand, that tends to not help. This is not a criticism of you because there are many reasons why you might still be living with FOO.

@Blueberry, sorry for the delay in responding to your kind note.  I appreciated everything you said so much.  Just one clarification - since I'm processing several layers of trauma at once, my inner child remembers a triggering/inciting incident and mentions it.  I do not live with my FOO - I cut ties with them over 13 years ago.  But that memory of her asking, when I was 16/17 - "how long are you planning on being miserable for" lingers in my head every day.  This is my own fault.  My suffering is because I am "feeding" it.  That this is my own doing. That my choices have led me to have everyone give up and abandon me. That I will never have anyone who cares....it's all there, and how could it not be when it's all I've ever experienced?  Then when I say, "this is all I've ever experienced" I'm told I'm negative, and pessimistic, and depressed.  *throws up hands* 

I appreciate you, and all of you who are reading my journal.  Sorry I still am not clear on how to "quote" and respond. Sending a direct message would be easier for me, but I am told not everyone is comfortable with that, so I'm doing  my best etiquette-wise. 

[Eireanne]

Has anyone read Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker?  Is it worth the read?

[sanmagic7]

hey, EA, i have not read walker's book, but i know many people here have and have found it very helpful.

the idea that we're told our suffering is our own fault is abusive in itself, to my mind.  same w/ 'too sensitive'.  i once heard of someone replying to that 'i'm as sensitive as i need to be for me'.  i liked that because i'm also very sensitive and often wish i weren't but there it is.  in that way i am who i am.  you are who you are as well.  trauma is a beast whose jaws and teeth get under our skin, constantly gnawing at us. (until it gets resolved, which is often small piece by small piece).  of course we're sensitive.  who wouldn't be when they're constantly distressed by being gnawed at!  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

Things are starting to pile up again, and I'm becoming more anxious, but instead I'm just doing ME and not being hard on myself for not creating a more orderly, disciplined life. 

I've had a pile of books in my possession for several years, and absolutely no attention span to get through them...also a lot of them no longer seem relevant to me as I now frame everything through my trauma lens. 

So I have this book, Change Your Life in 30 days.  Day 2.  She makes the comment, "You are doing better than you think you are" and asks what is your immediate response, then proceeds to tell you what your immediate response says about you.  Much like being quizzed for having depression, if there is no context about the trauma and WHY I am responding the way I do, then...it's really not accurate, is it? 

So I decided to take these thoughts to my journal.  The first filter is, "the author doesn't know me".  You have problems with intimacy and the feeling that the person you aren't attempting intimacy with won't go away.  In short, you have abandonment issues, right? Well, being as I've been abandoned by everyone, and I've never known trust or what it is like to truly depend on someone....yeah, it's easy to see that anyone that just writes, "you are doing better than you think you are" doesn't know me.  Especially since I haven't fully recovered and the traumatic incident that necessitated me needing to go on leave still hasn't been processed, I'm still triggered by it, and I didn't develop any skills or have any treatment that would allow me to return to this abusive situation with any "tools" other than what I've done myself.  So yes, in one hand, I am doing well...I am still extremely vulnerable and traumatized and clearly not doing "better". 

But no one would know that, would they? 

Next.  "I haven't done enough"  You put yourself last and work harder and longer than anyone else.  I've had to.  Going back to "I have no one to trust or depend on" means I need to be a subject matter expert in EVERY area, and I can't seem to find anyone to help, support or advocate for me.  This creates an issue with processing and knowing how to navigate abusive situations, recognizing when I'm being gaslit, used, lied to....I haven't had any experience building up the muscle where I am ALLOWED to put myself first.  So...yeah.  Next.

Deserving success is a major challenge because you focus on what you don't do well rather than what you do well....actually, I've been told my whole life what I don't do well.  I could clean every inch of my house and it would be pointed out the one thing I didn't get to yet.  So all I know how to see is what I didn't get to yet.  At work, I could do 100 things, and improve, create processes, be on top of everything, yet I'm called out for things that I wasn't even involved with...which creates me needing to remain hypervigilant....

It goes on to say other things that also don't....really work.  "If you don't believe it, you haven't had the confidence to change your life"  "You are committed to "fixing" yourself no matter what"...well yeah, if I've been told my entire life that the things that are happening to me are my fault and if I'd just change, then they'd stop happening....um....when that is framed as a lifetime of abuse, and reiterated by everyone...how am I NOT supposed to assume that I somehow didn't deserve these things because I'm not enough?  To have the understanding now that I really AM NOT enough, that I can't do this alone, without support, and I have to figure out a way to do it anyway...and to have all of that disregarded as the context necessary to understand why I respond the way I do...then how am I supposed to "acknowledge myself". 

I give myself a lot of credit...but I also am extremely self-aware at all the things I still don't know how to navigate.  I still don't know how I'm going to be able to survive and keep my mental state intact by returning to my abuser.  How I'm not going to get emotional, when even re-telling what happened to a coworker I trust 3 months after the incident had me reduced to tears and terror, causing the story to come out in a non-linear fashion, all the while my conscious awareness narrating what is taking place. 

Being told I can control how I react...is putting a lot of pressure on me, when I still haven't learned any tools on how to respond correctly to being manipulated and gaslit. 

So the exercise for today is to list 25 things I acknowledge I have done for the past year, to "give me more courage to take risks in the present".  So here goes

Today, I acknowledge myself for:

1 putting myself on medical leave
2 being adamant about not being misdiagnosed 
3 educating myself about how chronic isolation has been aggravating my situation
4 having compassion for myself and my parents for creating this condition
5 I don't have the tools or support I need to get out of survival mode, and that also aggravates the situation
6 I will no longer accept being told that this is my fault
7 Me being told I am too sensitive, too emotional, too anything has more to do with the other person, and my "too" are my strengths, not weaknesses
8 I've been doing all the work to process my trauma and reparent myself in isolation
9 Just because my trauma is "little t" doesn't mean it's any less valid
10 my brain has done it's best to protect me the only way it knew how
11 my inner child deserves love and attention too
12 I didn't know what I didn't know, and I still don't know.  Society is not set up to protect people like me.  That does not mean something is wrong with me.
13 I am raw, vulnerable and have no defenses.  I have been a target for bullies my entire life. 
14 I am now going to be the parent I wish I had. 
15 I am going to remind myself that the trigger is a natural response to being bullied, gaslit and manipulated. 
16 I can take all the time I need to process what is being said, and learn how to frame my response from a place of curiosity. 
17 I have a right to an opinion, and I deserve to feel validated. 
18 being allowed to grieve all that I have never experienced
19 being allowed to be scared, being allowed to feel my feelings without being told they are wrong
20 letting go of people who make me feel bad about myself
21 not being hard on myself for not knowing what to say or how to respond to people
22 understanding that recovery (and grief) is non-linear, messy and complicated and there are no "shoulds".
23 doing the best I can with what I have
24 every micro-step I take in the right direction is still a step
25 without resources or support, I am still kicking *, and it's everyone else's loss if they can't see that. 

Not going to lie, that's hard.  These are not "accomplishments" and the book wants me to do it another 25 times.  Pass.  It says,
In what area would you like to acknowledge yourself more?

At work, I did amazing things, I gained confidence and started to make company-wide changes.  I acknowledged the work I did and expected to be supported.  I was retaliated against and told to "watch my step" - I would like the courage (not confidence) to stand up to my abusers and hold on to the understanding that I am right, and they are just bullies protecting themselves

What could happen if you gave yourself more credit?
If I gave myself more credit, people would be quicker to kick me, as they only enjoy bullying me when I am down.  If I do not crumple, they will kick me harder and harder until I fail (this is what has always happened in the past).  If I continued to stand firm in my understanding of how I want to be treated, I will most likely lose my job and my health insurance even quicker.  Saying this sounds like a "self fulfilling prophesy" yet I must accept and prepare for the inevitable, as there is no evidence in my favor, and to be forewarned is forearmed - again, cognitive rehearsal and hypervigilance, my superpowers.

Are you willing to give yourself more credit?
Yes, I am willing to reparent myself and stand up to my abusers.  I just wish I had the language to navigate the system.